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Ethan goes after Sarandon for his controversial “Ghost Adventures” episode, Kimberly tries to stop her neighbor from spreading libel about a neighborhood kid and Brennan begins using the app Yik Yak for illicit purposes, to the condemnation of Ryan







“I am losing ground. Well you know how this world can beat you down. I am made of clay. I fear I am the only one who thinks this way. I’m always falling down the same hill. Bamboo puncturing the skin. And nothing comes bleeding out of me like the waterfall I’m drowning in”

  • Trent Reznor


(We start with Ryan driving to school in his car, listening to “The Final Episode” by Asking Alexandria)


RYAN: OH MY GOOOOD! IF ONLY HE KNEW! IF ONLY HE KNEW! IF HE ONLY HE KNEW ABOUT THE WORLD WITHOUT THE BULLSHIT AND THE LIES!! WE COULD’VE SAVED HIM!! THEY COULD’VE SAVED ME!! (Ryan pulls into the school parking lot) BUT INSTEAD I’M HERE DROWNING IN MY OWN FUCKING MIND!! (Cut to Ryan sitting in forensics class, next to Kelly. They are watching a video and the room is dark. Ryan has one earphone in and looks at people behind him, who are almost all staring at their phones with a dark light reflecting on their faces) Kelly?


KELLY: Yeah?


RYAN: Did Twitter or Instagram get green redesigns or am I on drugs? (Kelly looks behind her) Don’t answer that.


KELLY: No, they’re all on Yik-Yak.


RYAN: …What the hell is Yik-Yak?


(Pan to Coach Dobbs)


COACH DOBBS: In my day, they called it “Rip-Rap”.


RYAN: What are you talking about?


COACH DOBBS: You guys are talking about table tennis, right?


KELLY: No, we’re talking about an app.


COACH DOBBS: Oh. Nevermind. Carry on then.


(Coach Dobbs walks away)


RYAN: So, still not knowing what Yik-Yak is.


(Chance walks over and sits down behind Ryan with his phone)


CHANCE: It’s basically what would happen if you combined 4Chan, Twitter and Foursquare into one glorious application.


RYAN: Then why isn’t it called SquareChanner?


CHANCE: Because that would be fucking stupid.


RYAN: And “Yik-Yak” isn’t fucking stupid?


CHANCE: No, it’s mascot is a yak, so, naturally, yik-yak.


RYAN: I’m guessing they probably came up with the mascot after they came up with name of the app.


CHANCE: Look at some of these.


(Chance shows Ryan a yik-yak)


RYAN: “I would ask Jordan DeFazio for her number, but I’m afraid she would give me herpes instead”. Jesus Christ, that’s awful.


CHANCE: And yet it’s out there! Who said it?! We don’t know! Now it’s her challenge to disprove it!


RYAN: This app makes me sick.


CHANCE: Come on, it has the short, staccato, meaningless nature of Twitter with the locality of Foursquare and the anonymity of 4Chan! What’s not to like?


RYAN: Those are the worst things about all of those apps combined into one! They’ve created a monster! I just hope it doesn’t spread… (Cut to Ryan in the KDGM room, speaking with Davis and Bailey. Davis is on his phone, using Yik-Yak) WHERE DID THIS PIECE OF SHIT APP COME FROM!?


DAVIS: I don’t know, but it’s hilarious.


RYAN: I just WOKE UP this morning and suddenly, it existed! And I was like, I don’t know what to do with this information!


DAVIS: Someone just posted “I could do a better job at KDGM by smacking my dick against a keyboard”.


(Davis laughs)


RYAN: You realize he’s talking about us, right? And by extension, you? I mean, did I wake up in a different universe or something?! This Yik-Yak shit is tantamount to a bullying app!


DAVIS: Yeah, I don’t like the bullying part, but there are people being pretty clever on here.


RYAN: Really?! (Ryan takes out his phone and looks at it) Someone just yik-yaked as Principal Duron, saying “Throwback Thursday to when I was a Calvin Klein model”. (Ryan chuckles) That’s actually pretty good. But this one is awful. “Kylie Hoagland is chubby”. Straight-up.


DAVIS: I’ll down-vote it, don’t worry.


RYAN: Holy shit, now they’re borrowing things from Reddit? What other app features are they borrowing?


DAVIS: Well, no pictures are allowed, so they’re leaving snapchat and Instagram alone. However, it does have some elements of the Bullyr app.


RYAN: Bullier App?!


DAVIS: That’s B-U-L-L-Y-R.


RYAN: Well of course, apps don’t believe in vowels.


(Cut to Brennan in his environmental science class, using the Yick-Yack app. Ryan walks in and puts his back-pack down)


BRENNAN: So this yick-yack thing-


RYAN: Of course.


BRENNAN: For sure.


(Ryan sits down)


RYAN: Are you on it?


BRENNAN: Is that even a question? It’s the best thing ever.


RYAN: Well, what are you posting?


BRENNAN: This Yik-Yak for instance- “I would ask Jordan DeFazio for her number-“


RYAN: “But I’m afraid she would GIVE ME HERPES-




BRENNAN: You saw it?!


RYAN: YEAH, I SAW IT! Dude, what the fuck?


BRENNAN: It’s good, right?


RYAN: No! It’s bad! It’s mean! It’s bullying!


BRENNAN: Nah, nuqqa, I’ve been bullied, this is not bullying.


RYAN: Yes, I remember when you were bullied. They buried you in wood chips. Like, for real. They had a priest give you last rights.


BRENNAN: I’m still pulling wood chips out of my ass to this day. But, I learned from that experience.


RYAN: Obviously not! You’re saying awful things on Yick-Yack!


BRENNAN: But the thing is, they don’t know who said it. So it’s like, at least Kylie Hoagland doesn’t know Brennan Sanford thinks she’s chubby.


RYAN: Jesus, that was you too.


BRENNAN: If it makes you feel better, I said Ryan Marcy was a stabby diva.


RYAN: Only slightly. You’re still probably hurting people’s feelings, and for real, it’s not cool.


(Brennan smiles and looks up)


BRENNAN: Yep, I’m totally a mean guy for this.


RYAN: Yeah, you are.


(Brennan looks to the side and nods)


BRENNAN: Oh yeah, definitely scum of the Earth.


RYAN: Dude. Don’t do the thing where you try to joke it off like it’s nothing-


BRENNAN: God, just strike me dead! For I am a sinner! (Brennan grabs Ryan’s hand) But I’m taking you down with me- (Brennan’s hand is zapped by static electricity) ow! (He lets go of Ryan’s hand) Ass!


RYAN: Sorry, we had a “Dance in Socks on Carpet” project due in Forensics this morning. Actually, I’m not sorry, you totally deserved that and even more.


BRENNAN: Don’t be salty. (Brennan takes out his phone) This is a harmless app for people to make their opinions known, and- what the fuck?!


RYAN: What?


BRENNAN: It says “it looks like you’re trying to use this app in a High School or Middle School, sorry, it will not connect”. Goddamnit, they geo-locked it! Also they used the Microsoft paper clip to tell me that, how did they even secure the rights to it?


RYAN: Haven’t you talked about how you wanted your band’s music to make beleaguered teenagers feel better about themselves? Isn’t this hugely hypocritical?


BRENNAN: Maybe I’m trying to create a generation of damaged people, so I can heal them with my music later. It’s a good business plan.


(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury on the TV reporting the news)


PATRICK WHITE: The annual White House Correspondent’s dinner was held on Saturday. And the entire nation said they would get around to watching Joel McHale’s performance at some point.


FIONA CADBURY: Moving onto 2014 Midterm Election news, we have our new segment!


(They run a graphic depicting an Elephant and a Donkey sword fighting, and then they show block letters that say “The USA Votes 2014- Sure. Whatever. Them.”)


PATRICK WHITE: Tonight, we’re projecting a win for the establishment Republicans in a midterm primary race for a Senate seat in North Carolina currently occupied by first-term Senator Kay Hagan. Thom Tillis, the North Carolina House Speaker and establishment favorite, has won the primary, defeating TEA Party favorite Greg Bannon by a wide margin.


FIONA: Although it does seem like the North Carolina TEA Party allowed themselves to be tread on in this race, they were outspent massively and barely put up a fight.


PATRICK: Establishment Republicans truly wanted to run a moderate against Senator Hagan, a very vulnerable Democratic Senator, in November. This is of course to prevent radical TEA Party candidates that might not appeal to independent voters in the general election.


FIONA: Radical candidates who ruined the Republican Party’s chances of taking the Senate back in 2010 and 2012. Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin, Richard “Rape is a gift from God” Mourdock and of course, the nation’s would-be first witch Senator Christine O’Donnell


PATRICK: So the establishment has declared victory in this race, but will this Civil War in the Republican Party come to an end in time for them to unite by November and take the Senate?


FIONA: Or will they all murder one another until we somehow have Universal Healthcare by the end of the year?


PATRICK: Only time will tell. Meanwhile, in more local news, the 2014 Vermont Race for Governor is heating up, after an episode of the Travel Channel’s paranormal reality show “Ghost Adventures” featured Republican Gubernatorial candidate Brian Sarandon. Our Mayor.


FIONA: It stirred up controversy especially when it depicted how Sarandon treated one of his workers. Sarandon’s opponent, Ethan Donahue, had this to say.


(Cut to Ethan Donahue speaking to reporters outside his house)


ETHAN: Sarandon’s appearance on this show was not only unbecoming of a Gubernatorial candidate, it revealed just how wantonly he treats his workers. That kitchen pharmacist was forced to stand there, all night, for no reason other than to hand Sarandon pills he could’ve gotten himself anyway. His lifestyle is decadent, trust me, I’ve seen it first-hand. He’s spoiled. And-


(Jacob peaks his out the door behind Ethan)


JACOB: Dad, once you’re done with your press conference, I wanted to talk to you about getting me an XBOX One for my birthday-




JACOB: ‘Course. Sorry.


(Jacob goes back inside. Cut back to Patrick and Fiona)




FIONA: Here’s what Mayor Sarandon had to say in response.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon speaking to reporters outside city hall)


MAYOR SARANDON: I do regret allowing the Ghost Adventures team into my household, however, I will defend to the grave my decision to have her stand out there in the kitchen all night. She’s building character in there! And plus, since she’s not allowed to have her phone, she’s probably thinking a lot instead, unlike this generation.


(Cut back to Fiona and Patrick)


PATRICK: Needless to say, Mayor Sarandon has generated much controversy with these remarks. I sat down with Mr. Donahue for an exclusive interview, so as to get his reaction. (Cut to Ethan being interviewed by Patrick) This Ghost Adventures episode has some pretty compromising stuff in it, the mistreatment of laborers, the creepy little panty dungeon Sarandon has under his walk-in closet, but ignoring all that, what is your reaction to the paranormal evidence they collected?


ETHAN: Uh, (Ethan laughs) I don’t believe in ghosts, I’m quite sure it’s all faked. But in regards to the-


PATRICK: Are you sure about that, Mr. Donahue? Check out this footage from Ghost Adventures’ investigation of the house where two Hansbay teenagers died of heroin overdoses.


(Cut to footage of Zak, Aaron and Nick in the house where Logan and Peter expired in TDEP88. The footage is in night vision. An SB-7 Spirit box is on the coffee table)


ZAK: What we do here sometimes on Ghost Adventures is use trigger objects to inspire the dead to come at us, bro. So, Logan and Peter loved heroin, there we go, (Zak takes out a needle full of heroin) heroin! And just to be safe, I’ll take some too, just to relate to the ghost.


NICK: Um, Zak-


(Zak rolls up his sleeve)


ZAK: What, Nick? I’m Ghost Adventuring.


(Zak sticks the needle in his arm)


AARON: Oh my God!


ZAK: What’d you hear, footsteps?


AARON: Pardon?


ZAK: Oh my Gosh… (Zak sits down, clearly strung out) come out, ghosties!


SPIRIT BOX: That was too much.


NICK: Holy s**t!


ZAK: Too much!


AARON: Maybe he’s warning us Zak is taking too much!


ZAK: Nah, you can’t just conclude s**t like that based on nothing, ass.


(Cut back to Patrick and Ethan)


PATRICK: Your response?


ETHAN: I have no response. Why would I have a response? This is about Mayor Sarandon’s inability to govern. He can’t govern Hansbay, he certainly can’t govern Vermont, especially when he treats his workers like that, and when he hides a virtual shrine to his sexual prowess in his basement.




(Cut to Paul Donahue watching this interview from Detective Loera’s apartment)


PAUL: …Fucking bastard…if he becomes Governor, I’ll just be, another fuckin’, Roger Clinton, Billy Carter or George Obama. A problem relative who needs to be kept out of view. Oh wait, that’s what I already am! (Paul stands up) I have got to-


(Detective Loera walks in)




PAUL: Hi, Joaquin.


DETECTIVE LOERA: You know, I’ve been putting you up here for about two months now. It’s time you took out the trash every once and again.


PAUL: You can’t release me until the campaign is over, otherwise you don’t get paid. So, I can do what I want.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Sounds logical, until you consider this. (Detective Loera steps forward and speaks right into Paul’s ear) YOU CAN’T LEAVE, EITHER.


PAUL: …Sure I can. Unless my brother is a kidnapper all of a sudden.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Oh, he isn’t. But where the hell are you gonna go? With your criminal record, credit score and overall look, you’re not going anywhere. You should thank your lucky meth crystals that you have loose shoes, a tight pussy and a warm place to shit.


PAUL: I don’t have either of those things. Your toilet is cold and unwelcoming. I feel like you spray it down just to freeze my ass off.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Maybe I do. Does that make me, (Loera looks around manically and smiles) CRAZY?!


PAUL: A bit, yeah.


(Detective Loera takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth and lights it)


DETECTIVE LOERA: Whatever. Just keep it down out here, I’m taking a shower.


(Detective Loera walks out of the room. Paul sits down and flips channels, until he gets to Ghost Adventures on the travel channel. Zak Bagans is addressing the viewer)


ZAK BAGANS: If you have a location with reportedly paranormal activity that you’d like us to investigate, contact the Ghost Adventures hotline at 206-905-9415.


(Paul stands up, struck with an idea)




(Paul takes out his phone and starts dialing. Cut to Brennan and Ryan walking toward the cafeteria after class. The cafeteria seems relatively sparse and full of jocks, popular kids and the like)


RYAN: Where is everyone?


BRENNAN: Yeah, this place seems emptier.


(Ryan and Brennan arrive at the area in the corner of the cafeteria where they usually eat lunch, to see no one there)


RYAN: We don’t even have our usual corner group. No Stephanie, no Michael, because he’s in DEAP, but still, no-oh my God.




RYAN: Stephanie, she’s fat, they were probably talking about her on Yik-Yak!


BRENNAN: Yeah, probably. What’s your point?


RYAN: My point is, Yik-Yak has taken her now. (Dramatic music plays as Ryan turns around to see just how sparse the cafeteria is) Humiliated, she’s retreated into solitude. Swallowed by Yik-Yak, like a creature of the black lagoon.


(Pan to a bunch of overweight, homely and slutty-looking girls sitting at a lunch table. Black masses begin to emanate from the phones of other students and begin consuming the students at this table as they scream. Cut to Brennan snapping in front of Ryan)



RYAN: What? (Brennan continues snapping) Stop it, I’m attentive again!


(Brennan puts his hand down)


BRENNAN: What are you even talking about?


RYAN: This Yik-Yak thing is picking off our alleged “sluts” and “losers” like Nigerian girls.


BRENNAN: That was in bad taste.


RYAN: You have NO place to say anything is in “bad taste”, Brennan!


(Brennan and Ryan sit down)


BRENNAN: Listen, I don’t want to talk about this anymore, but I do have a question for you. Are you going to the Letlive concert with me this weekend, like we planned?


RYAN: Letlive?


BRENNAN: Yeah, they’re a pretty sweet post-hardcore band from Los Angeles, that sort of a funky side to it. It’s pretty sweet, they’re playing in Burlington.


RYAN: …I don’t know, man, I’m still pretty pissed at you about all this…but I guess I’ll go…


BRENNAN: Goddamned right you are. (Brennan stands up) I’m gonna go get food, you can, swallow your saltiness and call it a meal, I guess.


RYAN: Half the lunch ladies are gone, man.


BRENNAN: Whoa, who’s picking on the lunch ladies?


RYAN: Just endless anonymous pussies.


(Brennan looks at Ryan and then walks away. Cut to Brennan at Devil’s Tacos, a taco joint in Hansbay. He is behind the register, in uniform, speaking to Bennie Lofgren)


BRENNAN: Thank you for choosing Devil’s Tacos in Hansbay, how can I help you?


(Brennan’s manager walks over)


BRENNAN’S MANAGER: You’re not on phone duty, Sanford.


BRENNAN: Sorry. Hi there sir, what can I get for you?


(The manager walks away)


BENNIE: I’m hungraaay. I was looking to get a Mexican burger around here.


BRENNAN: Well…we have tacos.


BENNIE: I suppose that’ll do. Anyway, I’ll have the Paradise Taco, please. With no onions.


(Brennan writes down “Paradise Taco- no onions” on a sheet of paper)


BRENNAN: Alright.


BENNIE: And I want to emphasize that- NO ONIONS!


BRENNAN: Got it.


BENNIE: Underline it. (Brennan sighs and underlines it) Three times. (Brennan underlines it three times) Circle it.


(Brennan circles it)


BRENNAN: Can I get you anything else?


BENNIE: Yes, a small Coke.


BRENNAN: Great. Please drive around-goddamnit, I’m not on window duty. Please pay.


(Bennie takes out his debit card and swipes it. Cut to the chefs making tacos in the kitchen. An order slides down a pneumatic tube in a container, which the chef opens and takes out)


CHEF: One Paradise Taco, no onions.


CHEF 2: I’m not a fan of the pneumatic tube system we have.


CHEF 3: Also, the Paradise Taco doesn’t come with onions.


(The manager walks over)


MANAGER: Sorry, what did I just hear?


CHEF 3: Brennan just told us to not put onions on the Paradise Taco even though it doesn’t come with Onions.


MANAGER: Why is this guy even working here? He doesn’t even know our menu! Even!


(Pan to Brennan, who is standing quite close by)




MANAGER: Hold on a second, Brennan, I’m managing others at the moment.


BRENNAN: So you know I’m standing here?


(The Manager turns to Brennan)


MANAGER: Brennan, I’ve decided you need to take a test over our menu.


BRENNAN: A test?


MANAGER: A taco test, if you will. And you have to.


BRENNAN: I guess I will then, Raul.


RAUL: Good luck.


(Raul hands Brennan the taco test and Brennan looks concerned)


BRENNAN: Uh, can I not have time to study?


RAUL: Why? Do you not know our menu?


BRENNAN: …’Course I do…


RAUL: Then bombs away. (Raul hands Brennan a pencil) This is a good pencil, so treat it well. And I want it back, don’t make it dull.


BRENNAN: Is there a chance I might?


RAUL: It’s a long test.


(Brennan looks at it)


BRENNAN: Holy shit, it is.


(Cut to Ryan walking out of school that day to see a girl driving in the parking lot, crying)


RYAN: Jesus…


(Principal Duron runs out of the school, crying)




(Principal Duron runs down on through the parking lot)


RYAN: …Christ. (Cut to Ryan getting into his car. He starts it, but then takes out his phone and opens up Yik-Yak. He searches “Ryan Donahue” and gets a lot of results. Results like “ryan donahue listens to his earphones so loud its almost like hes trying to get attention or something…but NAH” and “ryan Donahue= attention whore fag goat” and “can someone remind ryan Donahues wardrobe that its no longer 8th grade?” and “ryan Donahue is literally a devil worshipper” and “wow ryan Donahue, your life is so fuckin emo and hard, that’s why you live in an affluent area in one of the wealthiest states in the country #givemeafuckinbreak” and “despite ryan donahues Mormonism, hes still drinking a lot more than just coffee, I guarantee you of that” and “ryan Donahue has fucked everyone in that little emo kingdom circle in the corner there. Except Stephanie, and who can blame him?” as well as “im convinced ryan Donahue doesn’t even like Asking Alexandria and bring me the horizon and shitty metalcore like that, I think he just loves peoples reaction to the idea of liking those groups” and “ryan Donahue is a total asshole disguised as a cute emo kid youre supposed to feel bad for. And I don’t” and “remember when ryan was rescued from iraq? Anybody sort of wish he had just stayed there?” and “why did those rehab fools bother salvaging ryan Donahue? I would just sell him for parts”. Cut to Ryan looking at these Yik-Yaks. He’s welling up) …Fuck. (Ryan starts crying. And as he looks at the app while still crying, a new Yik-Yak result comes up. It says “look, ryans now crying like a total puss wagon. #intheparkinglot”. Ryan then looks up to see Trey in the distance, on his phone. He sees Ryan looking at him and then runs away) Yeah, I’m the fucking PUSSY!


(Ryan throws his phone down to the floor of his car and rests his head on the steering wheel. Cut to Brennan sitting at a table at Devil’s Tacos, taking the taco test. He seems stressed)


BRENNAN: Oh my God, I don’t know any of this! (Brennan puts down his pencil and leans back) Ugh…fuck it. (Brennan circles a few more things and then gets up to go turn in the test) Raul, I have the test done!

(Brennan walks into the back room, but the camera shot stays in the front area of Devil’s Tacos. Ryan comes in to the store and goes up to the register to talk to the register operator)


RYAN: Excuse me, Brennan Sanford’s still working at the moment, right?


REGISTER OPERATOR: Yes, I think he’s talking to the manager right now.


(Brennan walks out of the backroom with Raul’s pencil lodged in his eye with an onion hanging around said pencil)




RYAN: Oh, hi-what the fuck?


BRENNAN: It’s fine. (Brennan pulls the pencil out of his eye, which is now swollen and bloody) Time heals all wounds.


RYAN: You’re blind in one eye.


BRENNAN: No, I dulled the pencil pretty well on that test.


RYAN: What happened?!


BRENNAN: I didn’t do well on my taco test.


RYAN; Taco test?


BRENNAN: It’s a long story.


(Raul walks out of the back room and stands a few feet behind Brennan)


RAUL: I asked you BRENNAN, what comes on a no-onion taco?! I gave you ONE chance for redemption! And you blew it!


(Raul walks into the back again)


BRENNAN: So, that happened. (Brennan opens his eye and Ryan sees it is simply bloodshot) Alright, I’m re-gaining sight in this one.


RYAN: I don’t understand how, but whatever, listen, I came here for one purpose and one purpose only.


BRENNAN: To buy a taco?


RYAN: …No. I’m telling you this. I cannot make it to the Letlive concert on Saturday.


BRENNAN: Oh, why’s that?


RYAN: Unless that pencil pierced your brain a bit, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.


(Ryan walks away)


BRENNAN: Ryan, where are you-? (Brennan walks after him, but Ryan continues walking into the parking lot as Brennan pokes his head out the door) I’m still on my shift! Come back!


(Ryan gets in his car and drives away. Cut to Elementary school kids waiting for the bus on a neighborhood street corner one morning)


ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KID: Matt, Thank Gosh those yik-yak people only- (The kid takes out his phone) geo-locked yik-yak against use on Middle and High School campuses.


MATT: Right, Steven? I heard Melissa totally kissed Ivan…in his bad parts.


STEVEN: His butt?


MATT: His butt.


STEVEN: Too bad, that kid had his whole life ahead of him. Now she’s pregnant.


(A car pulls up and parks near where the kids are. Some teenager is behind the wheel. Pan over to a woman in a house opening her blinds and looking very concerned)



MATT: That’s your mom?


STEVEN: Yeah, isn’t she fucking crazy?


MATT: Looks that way.


(The teenager looks uncomfortable, but then looks around a little bit and starts tapping on the steering wheel as Steven’s mom closes the blinds. Cut to her inside her house on her cell phone)


STEVEN’S MOM: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up-


(Cut to Ellen Alexander sitting on her couch wearing a turtle neck. Her phone rings and she immediately picks it up)


ELLEN: Hello?


STEVEN’S MOM: I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but there is definitely a child stalker outside.


ELLEN: How do you figure, Arletta?


ARLETTA: This teenager is just…parked outside our children. And they don’t have a permit to be doing that business.


ELLEN: Just keep a close eye on it, I will certainly look into this. Have you taken all the appropriate pre-cautions?


ARLETTA: Yes, I put chips into the foot of my child when he was born, but I have no reason to believe it hasn’t run out of batteries in the eight years since I installed it.


ELLEN: Yeah, check on that.


ARLETTA: Besides that, I have a literal helicopter over him, so it should be fine as long as the Doppler weather guy holds up his end of the divorce agreement.


ELLEN: Alright, good. I’ll call some folks. Take video.


(Cut to Arletta filming through a bathroom window. She is standing on a toilet)


ARLETTA: Five steps ahead of you.


ELLEN: Good. Send a picture of the perp to my phone.


ARLETTA: Got it.


ELLEN: ‘Kay. Bye.




ELLEN: Oh, and Arletta?




ELLEN: …God speed.


ARLETTA: And to you.


(Arletta hangs up, as does Ellen. Cut to Ellen on her computer, looking at a photo on her phone of the teenager in question)


ELLEN: Oh, I know this one. (Ellen searches through the Hansbay High School directory) Alright, now, zoom and enhance! (Somehow, the screen zooms and enhances and matches Ellen’s phone photo, which is now on the computer, with a yearbook photo of a kid named Keaton Holmes) Thank God I got that CSI program installed. And here we have our little pervert. It’s time to start printing up posters, huh?


(Ellen opens a Word document, as the Microsoft Paper Clip pops up on screen with a speech bubble reading “It looks like you’re trying to slander an innocent teenager, can I help?”. She exits out of that and writes “CHILD STALKER” in big, bold letters. Cut to Kimberly sitting on a chair in front of her front door)


NARRATOR: That very same day, Kimberly Donahue was sitting on her front porch-


KIMBERLY: I don’t have a front porch! This is literally just me, blocking people from using the front door.


(Pan to Ethan)


ETHAN: Exactly! You’ll have a front porch when I’m the Governor. But in the meantime, those people you have to block from using the front door are Sarandon operatives and stalkers.


KIMBERLY: Yes, the stalker’s obsession with Vermont Gubernatorial candidates. Ranks right up there with rock stars and school shooters.


ETHAN: …So you’re saying you’ll be my body guard pro bono then?


KIMBERLY: No, I am not saying that.


(Jacob walks over to Ethan and Kimberly holding a flyer in his hand)


JACOB: Hey, have you seen this flyer that seems to be all over the neighborhood?


KIMBERLY: A flyer?


JACOB: Yeah, check it out.


(Jacob hands Kimberly the flyer and it shows a picture of Keaton Holmes in his car and above that it reads “BEWARE! A CHILD STALKER HAUNTS THE STREETS! He lies in wait as your children await transport! THEN HE POUNCES!”)


KIMBERLY: Showcard Gothic was an odd font choice.


ETHAN: At least it wasn’t Comic Sans. Then we’d have to put up another “Beware!” poster for that.


JACOB: The weird thing is, I know that kid.




JACOB: Yeah, he’s a great kid who would never do anything like that-he certainly doesn’t “stalk” children. Or, you know, “haunt” children. He’s not a fucking ghost. And he’s especially not a child stalker.


KIMBERLY: Then what the hell is this about?


JACOB: Yeah, I don’t know. There’s something written on the back.


(Kimberly turns it over to see “For more info contact Ellen Alexander at 802-347-3480” is printed there)


KIMBERLY: Son of a Bitch.


ETHAN: And she used Comic Sans too!


(Kimberly stands up)


KIMBERLY: I’m gonna talk to her.


ETHAN: Wait, how do you know that this kid’s not a child stalker?


KIMBERLY: He’s Jacob’s friend!


JACOB: Sort of. He’s a casual acquaintance.


ETHAN: You have to make sure she has no evidence of it, though!


KIMBERLY: I’ll do it, don’t worry. You just keep focusing on kicking Sarandon’s ass.


ETHAN: Sounds good.


(Kimberly kisses Ethan and leaves)




ETHAN: How old are you?


JACOB: Twenty, next week.


(Cut to Zak Bagans addressing the camera outside an apartment in Burlington)


ZAK: Alright, we received an anonymous tip that this apartment complex is haunted, and after consulting with an incoherent homeless man in the parking lot, we concluded that it’s entirely possible. So let’s do this.


(Zak knocks on the door and Paul opens the door)


PAUL: Oh, hello there.


ZAK: Hello, you are Jesse Swagger, I presume?


PAUL: That’s me. Come in, Mr. Bagans. I’m a big, uh, watcher of your Ghost Hunters show.


(Zak, Aaron and Nick come in)


ZAK: Please don’t confuse us with those fat plumbers who call themselves “scientists” on Ghost Hunters.


PAUL: Sorry.


ZAK: Now, tell me, what is all haunted about this place?


PAUL: Sometimes when I’m getting up at night, I hear footsteps go across the floors, and stuff.


ZAK: Right, right.


PAUL: Also, sometimes I see a straight-up charred corpse talking to me through the window over there.


ZAK: Excuse me. (Zak puts on a respirator) Sorry, I have asthma, and I almost just had a f**king panic attack, A CHARRED GODD**N CORPSE?!


PAUL: Yeah. He just popped around for a “how do-ya do”. Urged me to avenge his death.


ZAK: Who does he say killed him?


PAUL: Why do you still have the respirator on?


ZAK: There’s demonic energy in here, I can’t let that get into my weak, asthmatic lungs.


PAUL: Well, there’s also asbestos in the ceilings. So be weary of that too.


ZAK: I can control asbestos exposure, I can’t control demonic forces.


(Detective Loera comes in, wearing a towel)


DETECTIVE LOERA: What the hell is going on here?!

PAUL: Oh, I just had some guys from Ghost Adventures come by to check out the ghost that lives here.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Ghost? There’s no godd**n ghost here-and you can’t have those cameras on in here!


ZAK: We don’t mean any harm, Mr. Ghost, we communicate-


NICK: Zak, he’s not a ghost, he’s a person.


ZAK: Sorry, I took a lot of heroin before this. That last investigation really f**ked up my s**t.




ZAK: Do we really have to go?


PAUL: He owns the apartment.


ZAK: Alright. Stay in touch.


PAUL: Yes.


(Zak, Nick and Aaron are shown the door by Detective Loera. Loera promptly slams the door shut)


DETECTIVE LOERA: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! You just brought television cameras into this house! I mean, what if they use that footage and someone recognizes you on it?! (Paul smiles) …Oh, son of a bitch!


(Cut to Ethan and Detective Loera sitting in Ethan’s living room)


ETHAN: What’s the problem, Loera, I just had dinner.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Well, you might want to save the dinner for later- (Ethan looks perplexed) because you’re about to vomit on your good bag and your cheap shoes, because your brother-a rube-fucked us over.


ETHAN: How so?


DETECTIVE LOERA: He used your own weapon against you. You know, the weapon you never directly employed but worked to your advantage anyway?


ETHAN: Ghost Adventures?


DETECTIVE LOERA: Yes. Well, he managed to get Ghost Adventures cameras into my apartment while I was taking my customary two hour shower, and he appeared on camera before I kicked them out!


ETHAN: Shit, are they gonna use the footage?!


DETECTIVE LOERA: I don’t know! That’s exactly why it’s a precarious situation!


ETHAN: Well, what are we going to do about it?


DETECTIVE LOERA: I don’t know, just hope they don’t use the footage, I guess. Honestly though, I wouldn’t count on it, the evidence they get on that show is sometimes so fleeting that they have to put in a bunch of filler just to spend the show’s runtime.


ETHAN: Oh, perfect. Well, how do we prevent that?


DETECTIVE LOERA: Short of having Zak Bagans killed? I don’t know.


ETHAN: We can’t have him killed, he could just communicate to the media in the afterlife.


DETECTIVE LOERA: I thought you didn’t believe in ghosts.


ETHAN: I don’t, but it’s a good fucking show.


DETECTIVE LOERA: Well, we need to damage control, this thing.


ETHAN: Stop using words like “we”! Okay? I hired you to do ONE job! And you failed! There is so second job for you!


DETECTIVE LOERA: I’m a detective, aren’t I? Can’t I, take the footage from them?


ETHAN: Who am I, Nixon?! (Ethan turns to the camera holding the “Phlebitis” perfume from TDEP157) Because if I were, I would use “Phlebitis” by Nixon to keep me smelling like fresh butter. Side effects may include Vietnamese people always being able to tell when you’re coming, and also, phlebitis. “Phlebitis” by Nixon. Aroo.


DETECTIVE LOERA: What the hell are you doing?


ETHAN: I have to pay for this campaign somehow! And Julie Nixon pays healthily.


DETECTIVE LOERA: I’m just saying, you want to prevent the Bagans from airing the footage, I can make it happen.


ETHAN: Let me consult with my lawyers. (Ethan turns to Sue Farenthold) Oh yeah. It’s just you.


SUE: Yep.


ETHAN: Because Micah is helping out Luke.


SUE: Yep.


ETHAN: Alright, well, what’s your advice?


SUE: Don’t try to suppress the footage, it’ll only make it worse. It’ll make them wonder why you’re trying to prevent it from being aired. Which’ll make it air, because, knowing that idiot, he’ll think you’re trying to suppress evidence of ghosts somehow.


ETHAN: That’s a good point. Loera, don’t do anything to prevent the footage from airing. We’ll just hope to our lucky Gods that it doesn’t air. For the two months you were able to keep him at bay, you will be compensated even if this does footage does air. In the meantime, keep Paul at your apartment-wait, who’s watching him right now?


DETECTIVE LOERA: A teenage girl down the street.


ETHAN: …Oh my God, leave.


DETECTIVE LOERA: I guess we’ll see what happens.


(Detective Loera leaves. Cut to Brennan in his room, wearing his “Devil’s Tacos” uniform. He looks at his two “Letlive” tickets. He then looks at the Yik-Yak app on his phone. “Fiend” by American Head Charge begins playing in the background. Cut to Ryan in his room, crying. He takes his finger nail and makes a big scratch mark down his wrist. Cut to Saami-ye, Brennan and others in the hallway, showing one another Yik-Yaks. Cut to Brennan sitting on the side of his bed. He looks at a poster on the wall depicting Joel Faviere sitting on a park table holding a guitar with a quote right next to him “They call you stupid, worthless, tell you you're not worth it. Now you're walkin' back, to a place you call home, but you feel so alone. The same hurtful hits, it's your darker place. In your virgin ears, the remarks they make. And if they, if they really knew all of those things that you do in your room, to hide the pain. I bet their minds would change”. Cut to Ryan pacing around his room, yelling at someone on the phone. Cut to Michael on the other end, in Eric’s house smoking weed with Eric. Michael hangs up as Ryan continues yelling. Cut to Brennan looking at his phone and deleting the Yik-Yak app. He then jumps on his bed multiples times in a fit of anger. Cut to Ryan texting Michael furiously, typing “How the fuck does this not matter?! Making people feel worthless doesn’t matter?! These people are fucking pussies! They’ll talk shit anonymously so there’s no repercussions! You talk about standing up for yourself in the face of bullying, well you can’t really do that when you don’t even know who’s bullying you! I’m not gonna apologize for standing for something”. As the song ends, cut to Ryan in Winslow’s recording studio doing vocals while their guitarist Oleander plays acoustic guitar behind him)


RYAN: (Singing) I would isolate myself to the ends of this Earth, to its very core, if it meant I could separate myself from my friends and their deeds I abhor! BECAUSE I KNOW THAT BEING ALL ALONE IS BETTER THAN BEING EXPOSED TO THE CRUEL OZONE OF THE SURFACE, you aren’t worth it, you aren’t worth it, and don’t you ever forget that they aren’t worthless. And- (Ryan notices Winslow and Brennan are looking at him through the glass) Brennan?


BRENNAN: Hey. Can I come in?


RYAN: Sure.


(Brennan walks in)


BRENNAN: I know you’re mad at me.


RYAN: Yes. That song sort of indicated that.


BRENNAN: Yeah, I could tell. So I just wanted to say, that I deleted Yik-Yak, because I thought about what you said. And I think we should do a KDGM thing about it.


RYAN: Dude! That’s incredible! (Ryan puts his hands on Brennan’s shoulders) I knew you’d come around!


OLEANDER: Congratulations. What’s Yik-Yak?


(Ryan takes his hands off Brennan’s shoulders)


RYAN: So, what were you thinking we should do on KDGM about it?


BRENNAN: Well, I would like to apologize. It would be awesome if you could have me apologize, but it would be have to be more serious.


RYAN: Um, like, a big, political scandal type apology?


BRENNAN: Yeah, I want all my bullying victims standing by me, looking sad.


RYAN: I mean…I don’t think Stem would be too keen on that. She would think it as being too “self-conscious” and too much, like, about you. As opposed to the problem itself.


BRENNAN: I already bought the podium, though.


RYAN: Brennan. Why don’t we do like a PSA thing? You know, in the vein of, “I smoked for eighty years and now I have a hole in my throat” ads, but you know, with Yik-Yak.


BRENNAN: No, that’s dumb.


RYAN: Wow, thanks.


BRENNAN: I think an apology would works the best because it would make people really think about what they are saying and knowing that someone can say “sorry” and be real about what they are doing, it would really shed light on the situation. It would cause people to want to apologize and realize that what they are saying hurts and it isn’t nice and it isn’t a joke.


RYAN: Wow, that was, well-said. But it almost felt like you wrote that for a teen court assignment or something.


BRENNAN: I’m just eloquent as fuck, is all.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Well, I still think Stem wouldn’t go for it. You can help if you want, but I don’t think it should be a public apology, from you.




RYAN: Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sorry. This business is rough, and there are yik yaks out there about me to prove it.


BRENNAN: Really?


RYAN: All I did today on KDGM was the announcements and I got shit on anyway, all over yik-yak. I didn’t even make any jokes, I just straight-up said announcements and people were all like “can anyone else not stand the KDGM guy??”


(Brennan laughs)


BRENNAN: Oh my God, that’s so XD.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Yep, my only crime is existing.


BRENNAN: That’s so sad…


RYAN: Oh well, I don’t care that much. I’ve learned to stop listening to them.


BRENNAN: Exactly, that’s what you have to do. You just have to learn to be you, unapologetically. You do you.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: Right. Unless you’re Jordan DeFazio, and you just do everybody. Goddamnit.


(Brennan laughs)


BRENNAN: That was good.


RYAN: It was, but I feel like an ass for saying it.


BRENNAN: As long as we don’t broadcast it.


RYAN: Right, exactly. Well, want to help with this song? That could be your contribution to the fight to end Yik-Yak bullying.


BRENNAN: Sounds awesome. Am I on scream or growl duty?


RYAN: Screaming. I’ll do clean vocals and growling. But we need to get Chance and Michael down here. And Michael might be pissed at me for a text I sent him the other night, so…


BRENNAN: I’ll contact my bassist Cody if need-be.


RYAN: Alright, here’s the lyric sheet.


(Ryan hands Brennan the lyric sheet)


BRENNAN: Which parts are screamed?


RYAN: The parts written in blood.


BRENNAN: They’re all smudged.


RYAN: You try writing in blood!


(Cut to Kimberly knocking on Ellen’s door. Ellen opens up)


ELLEN: Kimberly!


KIMBERLY: Ellen! My former ex-enemy!


ELLEN: What?


(Kimberly takes out the ‘CHILD STALKER’ fliers)


KIMBERLY: Just what in the hell are these?


ELLEN: Oh, I’m trying to raise awareness about a young man stalking our nation’s children.


KIMBERLY: First off, you describe him like he’s a nineteenth century swamp monster, secondly, my son knows this kid and he is NOT a child stalker!


ELLEN: Well, how do you know that?


KIMBERLY: How do YOU know he is?!


ELLEN: He was waiting in his car, outside a bus stop for far too long. Kimberly.


KIMBERLY: THAT IS NOT EVIDENCE! Jesus, you’re slandering this poor kid!


ELLEN: Did I tell you that he left AFTER the kids got on the bus?


KIMBERLY: Why does that change anything?


ELLEN: Maybe he went home to plan his next, perverse little move.


KIMBERLY: I can’t believe you. You will not get away with this, Ellen.


(Keaton Holmes walks up to the door)


KEATON: YOU’RE HER! What the hell?!


ELLEN: There he is! That’s the one stalking our children!


KEATON: I was waiting for a friend goddamnit!


ELLEN: So he could join you in spying on our children?


KEATON: You took pictures of me and put them up everywhere, you’re the spy! Now everyone at school thinks I’m a creep! Including the creeps!


KIMBERLY: My husband’s running for Governor, so you’re shit out of luck on this one.



(Ellen shuts her door)


KEATON: Oh my God…thanks for looking out for me.


KIMBERLY: Of course. Name’s Kimberly Donahue.


KEATON: Pleasure. (Kimberly and Keaton shake hands and then complete the handshake) So could you help me take her down?


KIMBERLY: Uh, let’s have this conversation NOT on her front porch.


KEATON: ‘Course, sorry.


(Kimberly and Keaton walk off of her front porch and onto the sidewalk)


KIMBERLY: Listen, I’m totally on your side about this whole thing, and that’s why I’m telling you this. Call this- (Kimberly takes out a business card reading “Sue Farenthold- Attorney at Law CALL 1-800-877-ATTORNEY-AT-LAW”) woman and she will aid you in whatever way she can.


(Keaton takes the business card)


KEATON: Thank you so much. Gosh, you have no idea, I haven’t been able to go to school in recent days, just due to the shame.


KIMBERLY: I understand, she’s awful. I’ve had to deal with her before. Just contact Sue-wait, what do your parents do?


KEATON: My mom’s a Doctor and my dad is the President of all Starbucks locations in the Northeast.


KIMBERLY: PERFECT! Pay Sue whatever she wants. Good luck.


(Kimberly begins to walk away)




(Kimberly turns around)




KEATON: This number has too many letters at the end to be an actual number.


KIMBERLY: Lawyers use special amounts of numbers so they can communicate without being spied on by the NSA. Just call it.


KEATON: Okay, thanks.


(Kimberly nods and gets in her car. Cut to Zak, Nick and Aaron in a hotel room in Burlington)


ZAK: I think we caught some really solid evidence during our days here in Burlington, guys.


AARON: For sure, and once we finally get to investigate the White House, we can be content with our lives.


NICK: Yeah, that’d be sick. But, President Obama doesn’t return our calls even though we know people feel William Howard Taft sit on them once in a while.


AARON: I think we should use a psychic when we conduct that investigation.


ZAK: No, last time we used a psychic she started blabbering a bunch of personal stuff about my life that we couldn’t air on the show. It was, just awkward.


NICK: But then how can we communicate with the dead slaves who built the White House? We need a black psychic so we don’t have to speak in their dialect and then be accused of racism!


ZAK: Right, but then he might start talking about the personal stuff that I don’t want to be on the show! Like about the time my girlfriend fucked that ghost. (Someone knocks on the door) Whoa, did you hear that?


AARON: Yes, someone knocked on the door, not every noise is a ghost, Zak.


ZAK: I’ll try to debunk it.


(Zak goes and opens the door to see Detective Loera in a mustache, dressed like a bell hop with a cart)


DETECTIVE LOERA: (Asian accent) It is check-out time, sirs.


ZAK: What part of Asia are you from?


DETECTIVE LOERA: …The white part.


ZAK: Oh, okay. Load up the camera equipment, guys.


(Aaron and Nick grab their camera equipment and luggage and place it on the cart and get out into the hallway. They walk towards the elevator and Zak clicks on the elevator button and they all get into the elevator. The elevator starts going down)


DETECTIVE LOERA: Have you enjoyed your time here in Burlington?


ZAK: Very much so. Thank you for asking.


AARON: Does he look familiar to you, Zak?


(Loera looks nervous)


ZAK: Hmm. Not really. Unless…did you go to Oxford?




ZAK: Okay, because I didn’t either. That begins to narrow it down.


AARON: Oh, whatever.


(The elevator hits the first floor and the door opens. Loera lets them go first)




ZAK: Thank you.


AARON: Thanks.


(Zak, Aaron and Nick walk out first, and while their backs are turned to Loera, he grabs one of their camera bags and leaves it in the elevator and then quickly walks out and follows them to the front desk, where they grab all of their bags and stuff)


ZAK: Thanks so much.


DETECTIVE LOERA: You are welcome. (Detective Loera goes to the elevator and quickly presses the button, anxiously waiting for the elevator to arrive as Zak, Aaron and Nick leave the building behind him. The elevator arrives and the door opens to reveal the camera bag is still there. Loera smiles and hops in and presses the “close-door” button and the door closes. He picks up the camera bag and hugs it) FUCK YEAH!


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Cody, Oleander and Chance in Winslow’s recording studio. Ryan and Brennan are on vocals, Cody is on bass, Oleander is on guitar and Chance is on drums)


RYAN: One, two, three- (They go right into the song, which is at first soft and melodic. Eventually, Ryan starts singing) One day, I woke up, and I, realized that I should’ve stayed asleep, my, connections came undone into a heap, and, I wondered what part I could POSSIBLY keep, and, then I found out it didn’t matter. They weren’t what I could have at all, so I, couldn’t have any more AND  I would isolate myself to the ends of this Earth, to its very core, if it meant I could separate myself from my friends and their deeds I abhor! (Breakdown) BECAUSE I KNOW THAT BEING ALL ALONE IS BETTER THAN BEING EXPOSED TO THE CRUEL OZONE OF THE SURFACE, you aren’t worth it, you aren’t worth it, and don’t you ever forget that they aren’t worthless! (Soft) It’s no wonder I cannot get through, you have a disparate point of view, and I cannot reason with you,  I EXPECTED THIS out of everyone else, but I thought we EMBALMED ourselves from that ill-earned wealth, and you, SUSPECTED I’D GET OVER IT, BUT I (GROWLED) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON’T!!!!!






BRENNAN: (Screaming) MYSELF!!!


















BRENNAN AND RYAN: (Brennan is screaming, Ryan is growling) WORTH IT!!!!




BRENNAN: (Clean vocals) EVER FORGET!!!


RYAN: THAT THEY AREN’T (Growling) WORTHLESS!!!!! (Songs gets quieter and Ryan returns to clean vocals) I’ll make friends with the mantle while you remain on the surface, superficial, then initial all the tits you want to know, I’m not the alien, you can remember when you were picked on, so why are you that low?






BRENNAN: (Screaming) MYSELF!!!












BRENNAN: (Screaming) YOU’RE NOT WORTH IT!!!! (Ryan sc

Submitted: May 10, 2014

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