The Donahues Episode 167

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan, Michael, Eric and Brennan go to the Senior Picnic, Mrs. Stem becomes batshit mad at Davis for several reasons and the Drive 2 Excellence drawing occurs as Ethan and Kimberly work out the details of their divorce

Submitted: May 28, 2014

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Submitted: May 28, 2014









“What does it mean when the sun’s shining rays land gently on your lizard brain, spewing memories of your worst days and creating more uncertainty? Why does the sun render me vaguely despondent, what coward from my past did spoil its solar bestowal? And why, like a dog of Pavlov, do I pant in its embrace and hope for a synthetic cocoon?”

  • Sean Byrne


(We start with Ryan, Bailey and Davis in the KDGM room. Ryan is on the computer)


RYAN: Oh my God.




RYAN: You know that mass shooter in Isla Vista? Elliot Rodger?


BAILEY: I haven’t gotten into him yet.


RYAN: What? He’s not a musician, he’s a mass shooter.


BAILEY: Oh, I thought he “Mass Shooter” was his musical alias or something.


RYAN: Well anyway, apparently police were sent to his house for a welfare check almost a month ago-


DAVIS: Wow, Obama even sends welfare checks to the mass shooters. Of course.


RYAN: No, you don’t get it at all. Anyway, when they want to his house to check on his well-being, he wrote in his journal that he was concerned he had been found out and they were going to take away his guns and prevent him from carrying out his plans.


DAVIS: He thought US authorities were going to take guns away from a crazy person and prevent a mass shooting? How insane was this guy?!


RYAN: I don’t know, but speaking of drive-bys, did you guys hear what Tupac Shakur’s last words were?


BAILEY: Yeah, I did. Even at the end, he still was all about “fuck the police”.


DAVIS: What were the last words?


RYAN: He told the cop that was asking him who shot him “fuck you” and then went into a coma for a few days before dying.


DAVIS: I always thought his last words were “please make a hologram of me someday and make tons of cash on it”.


RYAN: Those were his second to last words.


DAVIS: Oh, okay.


RYAN: Well, anyway I should probably head to the buses for the Senior Picnic thing.


DAVIS: Yeah, and I need to use one of these cameras to film a project for math.


RYAN: Thanks for letting me know. You know, I’m pretty much responsible for how many people signed up for this senior picnic thing, with that promo I made for KDGM.


DAVIS: Oh, you mean this one?


(Davis turns the monitor and plays a video depicting a bus traveling along the road. Text is on screen reading “Buses will transport students to the Senior Picnic” and then the bus crashes into another vehicle and then it shows the words “No, you cannot drive your own car”)


RYAN: Yeah, that one. It was a huge success. Anyway, I’ll see you guys tomorrow.


DAVIS: Alright then.


(Ryan takes his back pack and leaves the room. Cut to Michael and Ryan standing in the parking lot of Hansbay High. A bunch of other people are waiting around near them as well)


RYAN: So I finally took everyone’s advice and had my parking space painted.


MICHAEL: You made it pretty three-edgy.


RYAN: I know, right? I saw this space right here- (Cut to a parking space in front of them reading “GOD IS GOOD’ Psalm, 13:61”. Then pan over to Ryan’s space, right next to that space, which reads “’God, what is it good for?’ Absolutely Nothing, 19:69’”) and decided I needed to make a statement.


MICHAEL: Too bad you’ll only be able to use it for the next…week.


RYAN: Yeah, shit. Goddamn, we’re graduating in a week.




(Buses start arriving)


RYAN: What bus are you on?


MICHAEL: I’m on bus one.


RYAN: Bus three. Shit.


MICHAEL: We’ll meet up.


RYAN: ‘Kay.


(Ryan and Michael part ways and board different buses. Cut to Ryan sitting next to a stranger on the bus. He is listening to his iPod and looking out the window. The girl he is sitting next to is talking to other people on the bus)


GIRL: Yeah, I’m not even gonna walk for my graduation, I’m gonna wear my gown, but sit in the stands, and when they call my name, I’m just gonna stand up and yell “holla”.


GUY: Why?


GIRL: Because of reasons! Hey, wait a minute- (The girl turns to Ryan, who takes his headphones out) you’re the guy from KDGM, right?


RYAN: Yeah.


GIRL: Your last name is Donahue, why are you on the E-F bus?


RYAN: Uh…I don’t know, I think I’m on the wrong bus.


(The bus stops. The bus driver stands up)


BUS DRIVER: Alright, we’re here, at Hansbay Ranch. We’re going to need to unload. Please grab your personal belongings and use the emergency exits to de-board because the door over here is broken, which is technically speaking, an emergency. Also, one of the wheels on this bus goes the wrong way, kind of like a grocery cart. Don’t you hate that?


RYAN: I’m surprised I wasn’t right about that bus crash. (Cut to Ryan de-boarding the bus. Multitudes of students are also un-boarding their buses. Ryan starts walking toward the building, and is actively looking for Michael, by standing on tip toes and peeking over crowds. He takes out his cell phone and calls Michael as he walks toward the building and enters to see a dining hall, bar full of non-alcoholic refreshments and an entrance to an outside area. Michael does not answer the phone) Fuck.


(Ryan calls Michael again)


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: God, you look like such a fucking loser, by yourself, trying to find your one friend here because you have no one else to go to. Everyone is literally pointing and laughing at you right now. (Ryan looks around to see no one is doing that) They would be if they weren’t too busy silently making fun of you. (Ryan calls Michael again as he walks outside, to an area where there is a balcony-like area, and then a stone set of stairs leading down a tree-heavy area near a small lake, and behind that a forested area) I bet you wish they served alcohol at that bar, don’t you?


(Ryan hangs up his phone again)


RYAN: Shut up, Ryan! (Some people look at him) Fuck. (Ryan heads down the stone stairs to the tree-heavy area) Fucking Michael, won’t answer his phone, we won’t be friends after this, I’m too mad at him, he doesn’t even consider how I feel-OH THERE HE IS!


(Ryan sees Michael, Saami-ye, Marcus, Sarah and two other people near the lake, laying down a blanket. Ryan heads down there)


MICHAEL: Oh, hey.


RYAN: What’s going on here? Are we having a picnic?


SAAMI-YE: No, ants would just carry our picnic basket away. This happened 12,000 times in 2013 alone, according to the FDA.


RYAN: Interesting.


SARAH: We’re gonna take a hike, actually.


MICHAEL: Well, I have to use the restroom.


RYAN: So do I. Why don’t we catch up with you guys?


OTHER PERSON: Sounds good.


(Ryan and Michael walk towards the building as the rest of them walk towards the forested area)


RYAN: I didn’t know Josh and Derek were going to be here.


MICHAEL: Why wouldn’t they? They’re seniors.


RYAN: Right, I just didn’t think about it.


MICHAEL: You know, they’re good friends of mine, I think you would like them.


RYAN: I like them already, don’t worry about that.


MICHAEL: Good- (Michael and Ryan enter the building) because I think they would be a cool addition to your birthday party next week.


RYAN: Shit, my birthday, that’s right. My birthday falls on the same day as graduation, you know.


MICHAEL: Oh yeah, I guess it does.


RYAN: You guys better bake strippers into a cake for my birthday party.


MICHAEL: You want us to…cook strippers?


RYAN: Yes.


MICHAEL: I’ll get on that.


(Ryan and Michael walk into the building’s bathroom and then almost immediately walk out, rubbing their eyes)


RYAN: Jesus Christ.


MICHAEL: Why must I always walk into the bathroom when the Life Skills kids are using the urinals?


RYAN: There’s no escape from it. Not even here.


MICHAEL: Let’s just go piss in the bus.


(Mrs. Brady walks over)


MRS. BRADY: Ryan Donahue.


RYAN: Oh, hi Mrs. Brady.


MRS. BRADY: You were supposed to be on MY bus. What bus did you take?


RYAN: Oh, sorry, yeah, I got on bus three.


MRS. BRADY: You were supposed to be on Bus two! Why’d you get on bus three?


RYAN: I remember seeing bus three on the sheet yesterday, I guess I mis-remembered, sorry.


MRS. BRADY: Well, be sure to get on bus two when we go back.


RYAN: Yes ma’am.


MRS. BRADY: Or we’re withholding your diploma.


RYAN: Damn, really?


MRS. BRADY: We strict!


(Cut to Ryan and Michael walking down a sandy path near the forested area of the ranch, towards a bridge)


RYAN: Where did Saami-ye and the rest say they were going?


MICHAEL: Don’t ask me, where’s Brennan by the way?


RYAN: He’s being deposed.


MICHAEL: Oh yeah. Shit, that sucks.


RYAN: Do you think Simon did it?


MICHAEL: I don’t know Simon that well. All I know is that I’m sure as shit glad that we didn’t go to that party and went to #TheProject.


RYAN: No kidding, every attendee at that party has now gathered a legal team. Seems as though the entry fee was a lot more than five bucks.


(They walk onto the bridge and come across Brandon and Paul)


BRANDON: Oh hi, Ryan.


RYAN: S’up Brandon? Paul.


(Brandon points to Ryan’s Bring Me The Horizon shirt)


BRANDON: Bring Me The Horizon? More like Gay Me The Horizon. Because you like it up the butt.


(Brandon makes a heart with two of his hands. Michael laughs and Ryan smiles)


RYAN: Do you just have one joke for every person you know?


BRANDON: Makes it easier to keep track of everyone.


PAUL: Mitch Lucker is dead.


(Brandon and Paul start to walk away)


RYAN: Yeah, I’m aware. Good luck at Yale.


BRANDON: Thank you.


(Brandon and Paul continue walking away as Ryan and Michael continue walking forward)


MICHAEL: He’s a funny guy.


RYAN: Yeah, he is. I kind of wished I had gotten to know him better over the last two years.


MICHAEL: Well, unlike Mitch Lucker, he’s not dead, so you can still talk to him on Twitter or Instagram or something.


RYAN: Eh. I guess.


MICHAEL: You gotta grow a sack of balls if you want to survive college, kid.


RYAN: I have plenty.


MICHAEL: Oh, really? You see Natalie over there?


(They stop in their tracks as Ryan looks to see Natalie and her group of friends talking)


RYAN: Yeah, I see her.


MICHAEL: Go up to her, without me, and start talking to her and her group of friends.


RYAN: …She looks busy.


MICHAEL: No, you look pussy.


RYAN: Dude, it’s been awkward ever since I asked her out to prom.


MICHAEL: Dude, you have been super self-conscious since you got sober.


RYAN: Are you suggesting I give up sobriety? Because I experimented with that idea about two weeks ago.


MICHAEL: I’m not suggesting that-


RYAN: And by the way, I’ve always been self-conscious, I used drugs to escape from that.


MICHAEL: I get it, but just, get high on confidence.


RYAN: I haven’t heard of that, is it from Mexico or like, Afghanistan?




(Cut to Davis in a girl’s wig outside of the KDGM room holding addition and subtraction flash cards while another student films him)


DAVIS: Forget those ol’ flash cards! (Davis rips up the flash cards and starts dancing) Move to the rhythm of the arithmetic samba and you’ll learn everything you need to know!

(Mrs. Stem walks by and stops when she sees this)


MRS. STEM: This will NEVER air on KDGM!


DAVIS: I know, it’s for a math project.


MRS. STEM: Let me see THAT!


(Mrs. Stem takes the camera out of Davis’ friend’s hand and starts walking away)


DAVIS: Whoa, Mrs. Stem! I was using that!


STUDENT: Did you rip up addition and subtraction flash cards?


DAVIS: Yeah, I got them out of the remedial math classes, can you believe they still use this shit? (Cut to Mrs. Stem in her office. Davis walks in, wearing normal clothes this time, except for the girl wig which is still on his head) Hey, why did you-


MRS. STEM: Davis.


DAVIS: Oh, shit. (Davis takes off his wig) Sorry, I forgot that was there. Anyway, why did you take my camera? I was just filming a math project.


MRS. STEM: You were dancing sexually and you were cross-dressing and you were, you were, parading without a permit! And you were inciting a riot! I have reported all of this to Principal Maxell and you will be disciplined!


DAVIS: I was not dancing sexually, and I’ve cross-dressed on KDGM before-


MRS. STEM: You will not argue with me, Davis. And another thing, I heard about that little party you promoted on KDGM last week. And how it got busted? Yeah. Great call.


DAVIS: ...I thought-


MRS. STEM: Enough! Leave me now. Go to the office for the rest of class.


DAVIS: …’Kay.


(Davis walks out of her office and runs into Ryan)


RYAN: Hey, what’s up?


DAVIS: You were right.


RYAN: About what?


DAVIS: Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust.


RYAN: Oh. She found out?


DAVIS: Not only that, but she caught me using a KDGM camera to film a-


RYAN: Porno?


(Davis laughs)


DAVIS: No, a math project. And I danced in said math project. So it might as well have been pornography to her.


RYAN: Yeah, it gave her an opportunity to lash out at you.


DAVIS: Ugh…when are we going to go to the Drive 2 Excellence drawing?


RYAN: Shit, is that today?


DAVIS: Yeah, aren’t you supposed to film it?


RYAN: Supposed to. Well, I guess I’ll go get a camera-


(Mrs. Stem walks out of the classroom with a camera)


MRS. STEM: Ryan, this is your camera for Drive 2 Excellence, and Davis, what are you even doing here?


DAVIS: The office told me to go back to class because we were all about to get on buses to go to the middle school for the Drive 2 Excellence drawing.


MRS. STEM: Well, I think you’re supposed to go on the bus that the office goes on.


RYAN: They don’t have one bus for the entire office staff, the office staff are supposed to chaperone students on numerous buses.


DAVIS: Yeah, and Mrs. Locker told me to come back here and board with you guys, so…


MRS. STEM: Well, she is not in charge of discipline, now is she?


DAVIS: No, but I do have sneaking suspicion she’s a dominatrix.


RYAN: Davis was just telling me he tried to find Mr. Maxell, to no avail. What bus are we going on?


(Mrs. Stem sighs)


MRS. STEM: Bus seven.


RYAN: Cool.


INTERCOM: This is Principal Maxell. At this time, all seniors, juniors, sophomores and freshmen should start boarding buses to go to the Middle School for the Drive 2 Excellence drawing-Jesus, how are we going to pull that off?


RYAN: That’s a valid question.


MRS. STEM: Let’s go.


(Ryan, Davis and Mrs. Stem start walking out the door towards buses that are lined up. They board the buses and Ryan and Davis sit next to one another and Mrs. Stem sits in the seat right next to Ryan and Davis’ seat)


RYAN: So, Davis, got any human being stuff going on?


DAVIS: Sorry?


RYAN: Are you doing any sympathetic things as of late? Like being a living, breathing person with thoughts, emotions, ambitions, flaws and feelings?


(Mrs. Stem looks over to Ryan, perplexed)


DAVIS: …I don’t…what?


RYAN: Got a girl in your life?


DAVIS: Oh! Um, sort of. She goes to another school, her name is Larkin.


RYAN: Oh, that’s nice. Larkin’s a good, strong name. Must be Vikings.


DAVIS: I had never heard it before.


RYAN: Larkin’s not a name you hear a lot anymore. Not even back in 1996 or whatever, when she was born.


DAVIS: I’ve heard it’s actually a popular name among newborns.


RYAN: Yeah, but they won’t be dateable for another ten, or twelve years. Oh, I mean eighteen. (Davis and Ryan laugh as Mrs. Stem looks over) Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Um- (Ryan glances at Stem) wow, that probably didn’t help.


DAVIS: What didn’t help?


RYAN: Nothing.


DAVIS: Hey, is anybody filming that dragon baseball game later tonight?


RYAN: I don’t know. Bailey’s not here, so I didn’t ask her.


DAVIS: I’ll ask Stem, excuse me, Mrs. Stem- (Mrs. Stem looks over) is Bailey filming the baseball game tonight for her IP?


MRS. STEM: I don’t even know if you’re going to be in this class next year, Davis, so don’t ask me any questions.


(Mrs. Stem turns away. Ryan looks over at Davis, who looks offended, caught-off guard and concerned)


DAVIS: So I guess this was more serious than I thought.


RYAN: And I suppose my “human being” strategy didn’t work.


DAVIS: That’s what that weird shit was?


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Micah and Sue sitting in the Altmire Racquetball conference room)


ETHAN: Did we have to use your office’s conference room?


KIMBERLY: Do you have you own conference? An inflatable one in your pocket?


MICAH: Okay, who gets that idea in the divorce agreement?


ETHAN: You can keep that fucking idea, Micah.


MICAH: Thank you.  (He writes it down on a legal pad) Alright, so, the preliminary work that Kimberly and I have done together seems to indicate Kimberly would get primary custody of child A.


ETHAN: Ryan? He’s going to college in August.


MICAH: Fair enough, then Ryan may live where he chooses. But Kimberly wants the house.


ETHAN: And why would she get the house?


KIMBERLY: Because I have a limited income. I haven’t broken even on this company yet.


ETHAN: You’re about to get half my shit and you want my den too? Plus, I have no income! I’m taking a LOSS every day until I put my hand on that bible and become Governor!


KIMBERLY: You know you have enough money saved up from your years working with Sarandon. We were always very prudent with our finances.


ETHAN: Except when I was pissing away my money on your living expenses!

SUE: Okay, let’s just, all chill down here. I know it’s a divorce, but let’s remain professional.


ETHAN: I don’t even want a divorce! You’re pushing this so fast and makes me think you’re after someone!


KIMBERLY: Yeah, there’s no way I just want to take my life in a different direction or anything. Screw self-actualization and finding meaning in my life, why don’t I just settle with something that’s not working?


MICAH: Okay, we don’t actually get to the self-actualization and life-meaning part until section three, so why don’t we just focus on the house part, first.


ETHAN: Fine, she can have the goddamn house. It’s not like a court would side with a man.


KIMBERLY: Especially a man running for Governor.




SUE: Okay, shall we get to the actual, net worth of you two?


ETHAN: Yes, I’d like to know what that is.


SUE: You have about 489,000 dollars in assets, Mr. Donahue, and combined with Mrs. Donahue’s assets, that comes out to… (She looks like she’s doing the math in her head) carry the two, okay, 465,000 dollars.


ETHAN: So, Kimberly has -24,000 dollars in assets?


SUE: That’s correct. So half of your assets would come out to a grand total of 244,500 dollars, which is what Mrs. Donahue would get, and Mr. Donahue, you would get half of Kimberly’s assets, or negative 12,000 dollars.


ETHAN: So that means Kimberly just gets an additional 12,000 dollars? From me?


MICAH: Yeah.


ETHAN: Oh my God, do you realize you are RUINING my campaign for Governor?! RUINING IT?!


KIMBERLY: He doesn’t need to give me the additional 12,000 dollars.


(Sue writes that down)


ETHAN: How selfless of you. You’re only taking my house AND half my money, but you’re throwing me a nice shiny doubloon for me to play with.


MICAH: The cash is going to be in American currency, not pirate currency, just to be clear.


ETHAN: You don’t need to be that clear.


MICAH: Trust me, people in the legal profession have pulled that shit before.


KIMBERLY: How about this? You don’t need to pay me the money in one lump sum, you can pay it in small increments over the course of the next, let’s say, two years.


MICAH: That’s just over 10,000 dollars a month until the summer of 2016.


ETHAN: But I’ll be in the midst of my presidential run at that point!

KIMBERLY: Are you serious?


ETHAN: No. But still, 10,000 dollars a month is a big hit for someone with no job running for the Governor of Vermont. Just saying.


KIMBERLY: Consider it a campaign expense, keeping me quiet about your shameful divorce. You’re good at keeping people quiet, right?


ETHAN: I never realized this before, but I hate you.


KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean that, I’m just, I’m in a bad mood, I want to get this over with.


ETHAN: You know how we could make this go really quickly? Just standing up, going back home, and starting over. We don’t have to do this.


KIMBERLY: Ethan, how many times do we have to have this conversation?


ETHAN: I’m sorry, but this is all so fast! I’m just saying think about it, for Ryan, Jacob and Maddie! They’ve always needed stability, the last thing they need is this! (Kimberly looks to the side and bites her upper lip) …I’ll let you talk it over with your boyfriend, and then you can get back to me.


(Ethan stands up and leaves the room. Cut to Kimberly in her office. Luke walks in and closes the door)


KIMBERLY: Ever heard of knocking?


LUKE: Ever heard of not holding your divorce negotiations mere feet from my office?


KIMBERLY: It was a last minute decision, certainly, but-


LUKE: But it made me feel uncomfortable! I mean, I feel like I’ve caused this divorce!


KIMBERLY: Trust me, the person I’m divorcing caused this divorce. Also, the kids. It’s their fault too.


LUKE: Well, yeah, that’s the case in any divorce, but I feel like, I don’t know, bad.


KIMBERLY: Don’t. (Kimberly stands up and comes over to the other side of the desk) This is a difficult time for me too, and I need someone to get me through it. Maybe I shouldn’t have slept with you, but…it already happened. We’re about to embark on something that’ll be liberating for both of us.


LUKE: …We still have to win my immigration case, though.


KIMBERLY: I know. We have Micah for that.


LUKE: You also have Micah for the divorce.


KIMBERLY: And my husband’s campaign.


LUKE: I don’t envy his job.




LUKE: Have you told your kids yet?


KIMBERLY: Yeah. Jacob and Madeline reacted in a pretty volatile manner, especially when we told them they could have two Christmases.


LUKE: Or one Christmas, provided your lawyer is present.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: Yeah. Jacob was mostly upset because he wanted three Christmases. But on the other hand, Ryan, it…didn’t seem to affect him as much. Either that or he just did a better job of not showing how upset he was.


LUKE: Maybe he saw it coming.


KIMBERLY: That didn’t make my parent’s separation any easier.


LUKE: Your parents got separated?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, for a bit. I never told you that?


LUKE: No, we’ve never talked about your childhood that much.


KIMBERLY: Well, Kimberly Altmire was born on- (Cut to b-roll of a grain field) July 6, 1967 in Boston, Massachusetts-


LUKE: Why a grain field then?


KIMBERLY: We have grain in Massachusetts! Just listen to the story!


LUKE: Alright. Sorry. Go ahead.


(Cut to Ryan and Michael in a big line in the building of the property where the Senior Picnic is being held)


RYAN: Are we almost there?


MICHAEL: You see the line in front of us? Does it look like we’re almost there?


RYAN: What is this, the depression? They’re selling sloppy Joes up there. What a great send-off gift for us hard-working seniors.


MICHAEL: I don’t know, I don’t feel like I worked that hard this year. I’m surprised they let me come here, considering how much credit recovery I still have to do.


(Principal Maxell comes over)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Get on the correct bus when we’re goin’ back, Ryan, you hear?


RYAN: Yes sir.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: The buses were clearly labeled by numbers, kid.


RYAN: Well I don’t have any numbers in my name.


MICHAEL: What about that time you tried to make your middle name 666?


RYAN: Ugh, don’t remind me.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I don’t want to talk to you guys anymore, so, goodbye.


(Principal Maxell walks away)


RYAN: Damn, I am just getting the business from all directions today.


MICHAEL: You’re getting the business?


RYAN: Yeah, the administration is just giving me the business, and I personally don’t want any of it.


MICHAEL: Speaking of being given the business, look over there.


(Ryan looks off-screen and we cut to a villain with a handlebar mustache wearing a dice-checkered costume riding in on a motor cycle)




(Officer Cortez walks over and pistol whips the guy in the face, knocking him off of his motor cycle)




(Principal Maxell walks over)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Jesus Christ, that was dinner theatre, Julian!


OFFICER CORTEZ: No one told me there would be dinner theatre!!


(The villain stands up holding his bloodied nose)


DICE-CHECKERED VILLAIN: I deserve a free sloppy Joe for this.


(Pan back over to Michael and Ryan)


MICHAEL: Though that was interesting, I was actually referring to the other situation going on over there.


(Michael points behind Ryan)


RYAN: Was that villain’s catch phrase “winner winner, chicken dinner”!?


MICHAEL: Just look.


(Ryan looks behind to see Mrs. Brady yelling at some kid with a beard)






MRS. BRADY: Yeah, sir, you mean.


BEARDED STUDENT: Uh…you want to be called sir?


MRS. BRADY: It’s a sign of RESPECT! Like calling a black person WHITE! Do you understand THAT?!




MRS. BRADY: That’s what I thought! Go.


(The bearded student shuffles off. Cut back to Ryan and Michael in line)


RYAN: What the hell?


MICHAEL: What a bitch.


RYAN: That’s so weird, she’s usually really sweet. Like a grandmotherly figure to me.


MICHAEL: Then your grandmother must be a massive cunt.


(Pan to the right to reveal people behind Ryan and Michael in line, including Zach)


ZACH: You guys do realize that the line ahead of you has moved considerably, right?


(Michael and Ryan look to the left to see a huge gap between the next person in line and where they are)


RYAN: Oh, fuck.


(They catch up and close the gap, and the line moves forward. Cut to Ryan, Michael, Saami-ye, Josh and Derek sitting at a table, eating Sloppy Joes and drinking sodas)


MICHAEL: So, I heard your parents are getting a divorce, Ryan.


RYAN: Yeah…they are.


JOSH: Sorry to hear that.


RYAN: It’s whatever. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows. I’m leaving home in August anyway.


MICHAEL: To Burlington. It’s not exactly Shanghai, like where Chance is going.


RYAN: Yeah, well I can avoid people pretty well. Remember Eric? Me neither.


JOSH: You know what I remember? When your parents first separated, Michael-


RYAN: Wait, the most recent time or the first time?


MICHAEL: The first time, back in 6th grade.


RYAN: Oh, I didn’t know you then, what did he do?


DEREK: He lamented that his dad was leaving and taking all his money with him.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Yeah, why would Wanda divorce her husband’s money?


(Michael smiles)


MICHAEL: I had this big house, and all this cool stuff. I had one of those gumball dispensers in my room, and I wouldn’t let my sister have any, so she once tied it to her Barbie mobile and tried to drag it across the house, but I held onto it for dear life, ended up cracking a rib as it careened down the stairs.


(Ryan, Saami-ye, Derek and Josh laugh)


JOSH: Holy shit, I remember that!


RYAN: That’s hilarious, you risked your life for a gumball machine!


SAAMI-YE: And so did your sister!!


(They all laugh)


MICHAEL: Yeah, it was pretty XD.


(Ryan smiles and takes a sip of his soda as he looks over to Brandon and Paul, who are outside in the sunlight, enjoying sodas while talking and laughing. Ryan looks at this, and then chuckles to himself, and puts his hand over his eyes)


RYAN: God, this is so stupid.


MICHAEL: Pardon?


(Ryan looks up)


RYAN: What? Nothing. Go ahead with your story.


SAAMI-YE: Let’s finish this down at the lake, actually. It’s a sunny day.


RYAN: But the sun is so over-rated. We invented indoors so we wouldn’t have to deal with it.


MICHAEL: I’ll carry your pale ass there.


RYAN: Would you really?


(Ryan smiles)




(Cut to Ryan, Davis and a big crowd of fellow students gathered around a car and a stage behind the car, where Principal Duron stands holding a microphone. A banner behind him reads “DRIVE 3 EXCELLENCE”. Ryan is filming the event with his camera)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Alright, students and ladies, it is time for the first annual Drive 2 Excellence- (Principal Duron turns around to look at the banner) Seriously?! Who screwed up the banner?!




(Everybody laughs)


PRINCIPAL DURON: Okay, well I don’t know who said that, in this crowd, so I guess I’ll have to punish all of you.



(The crowd laughs and cheers)


PRINCIPAL DURON: ENOUGH! Let’s just do this Drive to Excellence thing already! Okay, you know how it’s worked so far, kids. The higher your grades, the fewer absences and tardies you have, the more tickets you get in this wheel of tickets. (Duron indicates to a wheel full of tickets) Thus, the higher chance you have of getting your ticket drawn. We draw twenty tickets from this here thing, and if your ticket is drawn, you automatically receive a tablet from one of four approved off-brand tablet companies such as Timex, (Duron lifts up a tablet with the “Timex” logo on the back) and Ample Incorporated.


(Duron lifts up a tablet with “Ample Inc” on it along with the silhouette of a pear)


DAVIS: I’d prefer a Zune.


PRINCIPAL DURON: However, all twenty people whose tickets are drawn will be given car keys. Whoever can start this car right here- an Infiniti, from what I’m told- will win the CAR!! (People cheer and applaud) For a year.




PRINCIPAL DURON: For one year. After that you have to either return it, or pay for it. Also, during this year, you can’t take it out of the state of Vermont. Otherwise it’s stealing.


RYAN: We live near the border of New York and Canada!


DAVIS: And what about people going to college out of state?!


PRINCIPAL DURON: Uh, I guess change your college plans. Also, if you do get this car for a year, you don’t get the tablet.


RYAN: It sounds like it’s better to get the tablet.


PRINCIPAL DURON: It would be, but this tablet is a piece of shit. But this car, you can do donuts in, right in front of the school. You deserve it. Anyway, shall we draw the first name? Well, we will, but first, let’s introduce the person who will draw the names, please welcome Lucy Marion Edwards, otherwise known as Miss Vermont!


(Miss Vermont climbs on stage as people applaud)


MISS VERMONT: Hello, everyone!


PRINCIPAL DURON: Miss Vermont, I heard your boyfriend was a graduate of Hansbay High.




PRINCIPAL DURON: Well, where did you go to high school?


MISS VERMONT: I didn’t go to high school!


PRINCIPAL DURON: …Uh, alright then, let’s just draw the names out of the hopper.


(Miss Vermont pulls a name from the hopper)


MISS VERMONT: First up, Fred Thune?


PRINCIPAL DURON: Fred Thune! Come on up!


MISS VERMONT: Is Fred Thune here- (Horrible microphone feedback) oh, wow.



PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh, darn. That’s too bad. Move on. Next name.


(Miss Vermont reaches in and grabs another slip of paper)


MISS VERMONT: This one says “Hot air balloons instead of water fountains”.


PRINCIPAL DURON: THIS WAS NOT A SUGGESTION BOX! Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, just move on.


MISS VERMONT: That’s a weird suggestion, but I think I’m on board.


(Cut to Ethan at home, on the couch, watching television news with Patrick White)


PATRICK WHITE: There has been a coup in Taiwan.




PATRICK: Pretty sure it’s Taiwan.


FIONA: It’s not. Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra was elected in 2011, but she was quickly discovered to be a corrupt abuser of power. (Patrick makes a cat noise) You’re a pig.


PATRICK: She’s a dominatrix of power, huh?


FIONA: So General Prayuth Chan-ocha organized a coup against her, had her arrested and detained, and now he controls the Government, the media, dissent, and everything, you know, we have a teleprompter showing all of this information for you to read.


PATRICK: Mine just says to make a cat noise.


(Fiona sighs. Cut back to Ethan watching it. Ethan turns the TV off)


ETHAN: God damnit…


(Ethan rubs his eyes and stands up as Ryan walks in)


RYAN: Hey dad.


(Ethan turns around)


ETHAN: Oh, hi Ryan.


RYAN: You okay?


ETHAN: I’m fine. I’m just tired.


RYAN: You know, I’ve been in break-ups before as well.


ETHAN: Did those relationships last twenty-two years?


RYAN: No, but you remember being a teenager, eleven months seemed like twenty-two years.


ETHAN: Yeah, it did seem like it took a lot longer. But that doesn’t mean it’s comparable. Your mother and I have kids, assets and a long-term bond.


RYAN: But also, history. A lot of heartache, right? I mean, this divorce must be caused by something. You know, besides the fifty-fifty probability.


ETHAN: Yeah, we flipped a coin. And it’s not a divorce. It’s a separation.


RYAN: Marriages never survive separation, ultimately. Even if you get back together. All it does is put things on hold until you’re reminded why you love each other, and then the bubble inflates again, and bursts once you’re reminded why you hate each other. Remember your first separation?


ETHAN: Vaguely.


RYAN: Well, the bubble’s burst again. Simple as that.


ETHAN: What would you know about it?


RYAN: Because Sarah and I broke up for three months, got back together, and broke up again six months later. We weren’t meant for each other. Now I realize, I don’t have feelings for her anymore, romantically. And she doesn’t have feelings for me. She’s dating Logan’s identical twin, and I’ve realized, I don’t care anymore. It took a lot longer for your guys’ bubble to burst because of how much you have with each other, but it still came falling down. Sometimes, you have to take what you need, and leave the rest behind.


ETHAN: …I’m forty-eight, Ryan, do you see this on the dating scene?


RYAN: There’s always


(Ethan laughs, as does Ryan)


ETHAN: Oh God, I’m not too far away.


RYAN: There are plenty of divorced people at your age, looking for other divorced people to share their pain, dad. It might take a rebound marriage or two, but you’ll get there eventually.


ETHAN: Yeah, well, in the meantime, I have to make the public aware of the split.


RYAN: You’re really going through with it?


ETHAN: It’s not my choice. I have to let Kimberly make that decision. It’s not like good ol’ days, where the woman had to have the husband’s consent to get divorced, the ex-husband’s consent to re-marry and the new husband’s permission to do anything.


RYAN: Yeah, I guess it’s not.


ETHAN: Thanks, Ryan.


RYAN: Really? This helped?


ETHAN: …In a weird way, yes. Part of the reason, I think, is that you seemed to react so calmly to this news. Which is more than I can say for Jacob and Madeline.


RYAN: Yeah, I think they were the real emos in this situation.


(Ethan smiles)


ETHAN: God, I love you.


RYAN: …How did that happen?


ETHAN: I don’t know. I think you’ve matured as of late. Especially since getting clean.


(Ryan looks to the left)


RYAN; Yeah, I think so too.


(Kimberly walks in carrying her bag)




ETHAN: Hi, Kimberly.


KIMBERLY: What are you doing here?


ETHAN: I was just, talking to my son.


KIMBERLY: What, are you trying to get him on your side?


ETHAN: My side?


RYAN: What?


KIMBERLY: Trying to make me seem like a monster tearing this family apart?


ETHAN: No, I was just congratulating him.


RYAN: On what?


ETHAN: Well, I meant to congratulate him- (Ethan takes out an envelope) on getting into the University of Vermont at Burlington.


RYAN: I got in?!




KIMBERLY: Oh my God, that’s amazing! Congratulations!!


(Kimberly hugs Ryan and they jump up and down, and after he detaches from Kimberly, he hugs Ethan)


ETHAN: Proud of you.


RYAN: You too.


(Ryan detaches from Ethan)


KIMBERLY: Alright, now we can apply for housing. You have to stay in UVM housing for at least your first semester.


ETHAN: Just so you can strengthen your immunities after all the sickness you’ll endure in dormitories. For example, scurvy and tuberculosis.


RYAN: Fun.


KIMBERLY: This will be a really interesting opportunity to live an impoverished lifestyle without actually being poor. Also, there’s an overnight orientation thing scheduled for June. You can meet a lot of new friends there. Maybe even a future girlfriend?


ETHAN: …Can I stay there overnight as well?


(Cut to Miss Vermont pulling another ticket out of the hopper)


MISS VERMONT: Ashley Gibbs? Is there an Ashley Gibbs here?


RYAN: She went home a few minutes ago!

MISS VERMONT: Goddamnit, alright, here we go, (Miss Vermont pulls out another ticket) let’s see here, Al Coholic. Come on people!


(A kid comes on stage)


KID: That’s me.


MISS VERMONT: Get off the stage, kid.


PRINCIPAL DURON: No, that’s his real name.


MISS VERMONT: Oh. Okay. Congratulations.


AL: Thank you.


MISS VERMONT: Next. (Miss Vermont pulls a ticket) Alexa Merkin? (Everybody starts laughing) Where is Alexa Merkin?


PRINCIPAL DURON: Come on, it’s obviously a joke.




PRINCIPAL DURON: A merkin is a pubic wig.


MISS VERMONT: Ugh. (She throws the ticket back in the hopper and then reaches into grab another one) Alright, Alexa Merkin-I just grabbed the same one I threw in. (Everybody laughs as she throws the ticket to the side. He draws another ticket) Alright, Scott Renacci.


(Scott Renacci gets on stage. He is a rich-looking kid with a sweater tied around his waist. Cut to Ryan filming, with Davis behind him)


DAVIS: What?! That kid owns a Tesla, what the hell does he need an Infiniti GQ for?!


(Scott grabs Miss Vermont’s microphone)


SCOTT: I’m hoping to add this baby to my collection.


(Scott winks as people boo)


RYAN: Did the WWE organize this?! (Cut to Ryan and Davis on the bus, going back to the school) I think we got some good footage.


DAVIS: Yeah, although, I’m pissed that guy with Tesla won.


RYAN: Yeah, look at him right now!

(Cut to Scott Renacci driving the Tesla, towing the Infiniti behind him while flipping off everybody on the bus)


SCOTT: I’m never gonna drive this thing! HA! I’LL USE IT AS A CUP HOLDER FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR!

(Everybody starts booing and throwing paper at him through the bus windows. He laughs and drives ahead of the bus)


RYAN: How is he towing an Infiniti with a Tesla?


DAVIS: The Infiniti is attached via his preppy sweater.


(Ryan looks ahead of the bus to see that is the case)


RYAN: Those preppy sweaters are stronger than you’d think, damn.


DAVIS: Yeah.


RYAN: So, now that Stem is all the way at the front of the bus, do you want to talk about our game plan here?


DAVIS: What game plan? She’s not going to let me in next year.


RYAN: It wasn’t your fault that people came to the party drunk and high!

DAVIS: I know it wasn’t, but honestly…I can’t deal with her bullshit anymore.


RYAN: Hey! You’re talented, that talent can’t go to waste.


DAVIS: It’s going to waste already. Right here. Honestly, I think I’ll just take to making YouTube videos. Where I’m not constricted. I’ll make them over the summer, and build up a fan base, and I can focus on that instead of having to live up to her impossibly inconsistent standards.


RYAN: …So do you not want me to vouch for you?


DAVIS: …Well, I do like vaping in the KDGM room. Go ahead and do it, but just know I’ll be fine either way. You won’t be letting me down.


RYAN: …Okay. I’ll do that. I love you-


(Distant crashing sound)



(Davis points to Scott’s Tesla and Infiniti crashed on the side of the road as the bus stops at a red light. They all look out the window to see Scott crawling out of the wreckage and taking out his cell phone. Everybody starts applauding)




RYAN: The car was still wasted!


DAVIS: But he might have to see a chiropractor now! FUCK YEAH!


(Cut to black)



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