“Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday. Happy birthday.”
(We start with Ethan making coffee in the kitchen in the morning, fully dressed for work. Kimberly comes in in a nightie)
ETHAN: Good morning.
KIMBERLY: Good morning. Listen, I just looked at the calendar, and it’s Ryan’s birthday today.
ETHAN: Fuck. It’s June 6th already?
ETHAN: I wish he was like other kids, and constantly annoyed us about his birthday. He’s turning seventeen, right?
ETHAN: Okay, well I’ll order a personalized cake at work and then pick it up on my way home, then I’ll use my hour-long lunch break to get him presents, what does he want?
KIMBERLY: It doesn’t matter what he wants, the question is, what are we going to get him?
ETHAN: You’re right, I still don’t feel comfortable getting devil music posters or faggot clothes.
KIMBERLY: I have no HOA meeting today, so I’ll do most of the shopping.
ETHAN: Damn, this day is already stressful. (Ethan pours his coffee and takes a sip) Ack, what is this? Instant?
KIMBERLY: Yes, you just made it!
ETHAN: Whatever. I’m stressed and late for work. You know what? I’m going to loosen my tie.
(Ethan loosens his tie)
(Ethan kisses Kimberly and leaves. Cut to Madeline and Jacob outside Ryan’s bedroom door)
JACOB: This is Jacob Donahue, and we’re about to pull the sickest prank ever on this emo bitch’s birthday.
MADELINE: You do realize there are no cameras here, right?
JACOB: Let’s do it!
(Madeline and Jacob open Ryan’s door, to reveal Ryan sleeping in his bed, and they take out bottles of Gatorade and pour them on Ryan, causing him to jump out of bed)
RYAN: WHAT THE FUCK??!
JACOB: HA HA! Happy Birthday bitch!
MADELINE: You just won the Super Bowl of being a birthday bitch!
RYAN: Ugh…Jesus, guys, it got on my bed.
JACOB: Oh, clean your sheets then. I bet your used to it, anyway! BOOM!
(Jacob and Madeline high-five)
RYAN: That’s disgusting, and why would you pull a prank on me on my birthday?
JACOB: At least I remembered your birthday, Ryan.
RYAN: Well, June 6th is an easier date to remember than May 14th. I remember June 6, 2006 when I turned eleven, dad tried to save my soul from Satan by holy water boarding me.
JACOB: Well, Ryan’s bitch is out of town, right now, on his birthday! And he’s sooo sad!
MADELINE: Stop talking like you’re on Jackass!
JACOB: Doesn’t Michelle have exams?
RYAN: She’s exempt from all of them. She’s basically the polar opposite of me, I have to do well on these exams or I fail for the year.
JACOB: Sounds like your birthday sucks so far. No girlfriend and a lot of studying.
RYAN: I have a girlfriend, she’s just in Colorado.
MADELINE: You know what? I think this is the first time we’ve all had significant others at the same time.
JACOB: Yeah, you’re right about that.
MADELINE: The only problem is, my other is becoming less significant every day.
JACOB: Why is that?
MADELINE: I don’t know, he’s just boring me.
RYAN: Well this conversation is boring me.
JACOB: Me too. Good luck with that, sis.
(Jacob pats Madeline on the back and leaves, followed by Ryan. Cut to Madeline in her car, pulling up to Kyle’s house. Kyle emerges from his doorway and goes around to the other side and gets in Madeline’s car on the passenger side)
KYLE: Hey, Maddie.
MADELINE: Hey, Kyle.
KYLE: So…I have a nickname for you, why don’t you have one for me?
MADELINE: Um…I don’t know, Kyle, what nickname do you want?
KYLE: I don’t know, I want you to come up with it!
MADELINE: Fine. How about…Ky-Ky?
KYLE: Jesus, not that. What about…Kylo?
MADELINE: You just said you wanted me to come up with it.
KYLE: Well, I changed my mind!
MADELINE: I’m not calling you Kylo.
MADELINE: How was your morning?
KYLE: It was good. I got up, I had cereal, (Madeline starts the car, and drives off) I watched the news, I showered and shaved, you know, morning stuff.
KYLE: You know, my dad’s coworker at the bank said the funniest thing the other day, he said…
(His voice trails off as the camera zooms in on a clearly bored Madeline. Cut to Ethan sitting at his desk typing on his computer. Mayor Sarandon walks over to him, clearly drunk)
MAYOR SARANDON: How is my main man, Ethan…Dan?
(Ethan stands up)
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry, I tried to rhyme. Danahue?
ETHAN: Sir, the mineral rights problem is not going away.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I am going away. (Chuckles) I’m going on a vacation with my sluts to a destination unfettered by all this mineral rights bullshit.
ETHAN: Sir, you just took a vacation to Florida two weeks ago!
MAYOR SARANDON: And boy, am I shat!
ETHAN: Sir, there is a stack of city council vacancies on your desk, a plethora of budget requests to be approved or rejected, bills from the city council to be signed or vetoed, including several pertaining to mineral rights, education and the police force. Our departments are underfunded, our debts are high, there’s like twenty buildings with ribbons in front of them, just waiting to be cut by your ceremonial oversized scissors!
(Ethan holds up a big pair of scissors. Cut to an office building with a ribbon in front of it at daytime. There are several people in business suits waiting patiently outside the building)
MAN: I hate waiting here every day, this place was built like three months ago, Andrew.
ANDREW: The Mayor will get around to it soon, I’m sure.
ETHAN: You need to work; going on vacation is not a goddamn option right now!
MAYOR SARANDON: Tell you what, I’ll go into that office, and do all that shit today! And then I can go on my vacation.
ETHAN: I would like to say that you should both do the paperwork and not go on vacation, but I feel like this is the best I’m going to get.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s correct.
ETHAN: Okay, buzz me when you’re done.
MAYOR SARANDON: Cool.
(Mayor Sarandon walks into his office as Ethan sits down and puts his head in his hands. Cut to Counselor Vammberg sitting at her desk, playing the knife game, a game wherein a person places the palm of his or her hand down on a table with fingers apart, using a knife, or sharp object, the person attempts to stab back and forth between their fingers, moving the object back and forth, trying to not hit their fingers. She stops once Ryan knocks on her door)
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Come in!
(Ryan enters and sits down)
RYAN: You wanted to speak with me?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Yes, I did. Have a seat.
RYAN: I’m sitting.
(Counselor Vammberg rises from her desk and sits near Ryan)
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Listen, Ryan. We need to discuss your grades.
RYAN: Oh, Jesus.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: How do I put this lightly? They suck big Hitler balls.
RYAN: That was the exact opposite of light.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: If you want to graduate tenth grade, you’re either going to have to do a stellar job on the exams or drop some deutschmarks on these teachers of yours.
RYAN: Like, bribery?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: I didn’t say that! All I’m saying is, commit bribery.
RYAN: So you did say that?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Now I did!
RYAN: Listen, you put me in SPIHC, so I don’t even see these teachers that often anymore anyway!
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: But they send you the work! So, you have to make an impression. Study or cheat, your choice.
RYAN: You are a terrible counselor; you tackled Logan the other day!
COUNESLOR VAMMBERG: That Jew stole my car!
RYAN: He’s not a Jew, and yeah, you could’ve let the police handle it. But now, Logan and Brennan are in the same hospital room.
(Cut to Logan and Brennan sitting in different beds in the same hospital room)
BRENNAN: I get to use that bathroom, okay? You have to go down the hall.
LOGAN: C’mon, dude, that’s hardly fair!
BRENNAN: Fair? I was shot in the chest by a cop, and what happened to you?
LOGAN: I was tackled by a German woman.
BRENNAN: Yeah! I think I have superiority here.
LOGAN: Yeah, you’re right.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: The point is, you need to take a long look in the mirror and decide what you want to be in your life. You can’t go on with this. Fix it!
(Counselor Vammberg gets up and leaves the room)
RYAN: THIS IS YOUR OFFICE!
(Cut to Kyle leaving a class. He immediately sees Madeline and grips onto her hand. She lets go and stops him)
MADELINE: Do you have to do that?
KYLE: What? Hold your hand?
MADELINE: Yes, why do we have to show it off to everybody that we are in a relationship?
KYLE: Because we are! And I want to show it off, because you’re beautiful and smart and funny,
MADELINE: Yes, yes, I know! I appreciate that, but we don’t need to flaunt it.
KYLE: Look at Jacob and Kirsten! (Cut to Jacob and Kirsten making out in the hallway)That’s pornographic!
MADELINE: He doesn’t have a pizza.
(Cut to Jacob holding a pizza box while making out with Kirsten)
MADELINE: Now it’s pornographic.
MADELINE: (Sighs) Fine, maybe I overreacted, let’s go.
(They continue walking. Cut to them at lunch with Jacob, Kirsten, Britney, Ross, Beckett, Lilly and Adam)
JACOB: And then we ate the pizza.
KIRSTEN: It was delicious.
BRITNEY: Oh, I love pizza. After all, I’m eating for- (Adam nudges her) one now.
BECKETT: Why would you need to mention you were eating for one person?
ADAM: THE METS! Man, that no-hitter was crazy.
KYLE: I know! Madeline and I watched it on television together in our house together.
LILLY: You said together twice, right?
KYLE: We were so excited that when the game was finished we drank root beer floats until we couldn’t see!
BRITNEY: Oh, I love root beer floats! After all, I’m drinking for-(Adam nudges her again) one now.
ROSS: What is wrong with you?
KYLE: Maddie, tell them how awesome that Mets game was.
MADELINE: (Flatly) It was awesome.
KYLE: It was awesome! Maddie, tell them how awesome it was.
MADELINE: I just did!
KYLE: Maddie, I have some exciting news.
KYLE: Madeline Courtney Donahue, will you be my prom date?
(Kyle hugs Madeline from the side as she sits there, expressionless. Cut to the rest of the people at the table, looking at them, perplexed. Cut to Ethan at a “United States Eagle store” counter, with a helpful woman in a green vest standing behind it. Ethan goes up to her)
ETHAN: Hi, I need some really bright and loose clothes for my son that wears really dark and tight clothes.
WOMAN: Why would you get him something he doesn’t want?
ETHAN: It doesn’t matter what he wants, it only matters what I want him to want. I’m not going to feed his fagginess like some hungry serpent coiling itself around my neck, ready to strangle me to death as I think of my failures as a father to raise him correctly. Now, get me to the bright, happy and loose section before I burn this store to the ground!
WOMAN: (Nervous) Right this way.
(The woman leads Ethan to the young adults section, specifically to an area with a lot of bright polos and blue jeans)
ETHAN: Thank you, this is perfect.
(Ethan starts flipping through clothes)
WOMAN: If you need me, I’m Christie, and I’m helpful. (Chuckles) They call me helpful Christie. (Chuckles) I help people out when they need help for them because I’m helpful. (Chuckles) I won the 2011 Helpful Award for helping people. (Chuckles) My favorite movie is “The Help”. (Chuckles) I like to help-
ETHAN: Jesus, shut up.
(Cut to Kimberly at “Good Buy”. She is standing in the video game section looking through the glass when a guy in his 20s with a half-beard, a beanie, blonde hair, shorts, a shirt, a nametag and VANS slipper shoes comes over)
(Kimberly turns around)
KIMBERLY: Ah, Jesus. Hi.
MAN: I’m Harrison.
KIMBERLY: Yeah. Do you…work here?
HARRISON: Yeah. They assigned me to the video game aisle. (He takes out a Monster™®©™ and starts drinking it)
KIMBERLY: Okay. Hey, you look kind of pale, are you okay?
HARRISON: Yeah, dude, I’m fine, it’s just that I don’t get much sunlight. Pretty much only when I walk to my car to drive to work, then walk in to work, then walk out, back to my car, then back to my apartment, then back in, for ten hours of gaming before I pass out at 3am and wake up at eight.
KIMBERLY: Christ. That does not sound healthy.
HARRISON: I can’t feel my…I can’t feel my thumbs sometimes.
KIMBERLY: Right. Well, you should be the person to talk to, what is the hottest game right now?
HARRISON: Dude, the hottest game comes out June 12th, and it’s called “Lollipop Chainsaw”.
KIMBERLY: Come again?
HARRISON: Dude, the hottest game comes out-
KIMBERLY: No, I heard you; I just want to know what the fuck “Lollipop Chainsaw” is.
HARRISON: It’s about a teenage cheerleader girl in a high school killing zombies with a chainsaw to “Lollipop” by the Chordettes.
KIMBERLY: Wow, the totally not-getting-old at all zombie fetish in this country combined with a completely nonsensical premise. Nice.
HARRISON: Listen dude, this game is all the rage. I got an advanced copy and played online with my mom, and I got so worked up over it, that I called her a cunt.
KIMBERLY: Wow, not okay. It seems as though you’ve been rendered a social retard by the video game industry.
HARRISON: You’re one to talk, you stupid cunt.
(Kimberly punches Harrison in the face, goes through his pockets, grabs “Battleship: The Game” and runs away. Cut to Ryan talking to Mr. Jack Daniels while no one is in class)
MR. DANIELS: What are you doing out of SPIHC?
RYAN: Mr. Menendez let me out so I could troll for better grades. But for real, my grades smell of piss and I need to jack them up or I do summer school.
MR. DANIELS: Well, your grades in here are fine.
RYAN: I’m not in this class.
MR. DANIELS: Yeah, but I don’t have a single person failing this class.
RYAN: This is a sports marketing class. It’s a made-up course, like “Team Leadership”, “Planned Synergy” or “Historical Art Appreciation”.
MR. DANIELS: Yeah, those classes don’t mean anything, but let me tell you what you have to do to get those grades higher.
(Mr. Daniels whispers in Ryan’s ear, and Ryan nods affirmatively. Cut to Mr. Daniels, Ryan’s History teacher. He is writing at his desk as students funnel out of his classroom, when Ryan walks in)
RYAN: Mr. Daniels.
MR. DANIELS: Ah! Ryan, if it isn’t the first time you’ve talked to me two and a half months.
RYAN: Why are you keeping track, man? Listen, my grades are not as stellar as I’d like them to be, they certainly aren’t the best a man can do, they aren’t the best grades in the world, God certainly would not add them to the bible, egh-
MR. DANIELS: Oh my God, stop with the euphemisms! Your grades suck! They are bad. They are bad grades. Listen, you’re going to have to do very well on the exams tomorrow if you want to have a ghost of a chance of passing. Unless of course, you can do me a little favor…
(Ryan gets on his knees, and then stands back up again holding a fruit basket)
MR. DANIELS: YAY! Fruit!
RYAN: There you go!
(Ryan hands the fruit basket to Mr. Daniels, who graciously accepts)
MR. DANIELS: You pass, kid.
RYAN: Thank you, Mr. Daniels. I think I’ve learned my lesson.
MR. DANIELS: What’s that?
RYAN: If you’re too lazy to do well in life, just bribe people.
MR. DANIELS: ‘Atta boy. Now get the fuck out.
(Ryan leaves the room. Cut to Madeline in her room, after school. She is on her bed using her laptop)
MADELINE: New York City banned soda sixteen ounces and above? Thank God alcohol doesn’t have sugar. (Someone knocks on the door) Ryan, go-
KYLE: I’M NOT RYAN!
(Madeline rises from her bed and opens the door, to see Kyle)
MADELINE: Hello, Kyle. What do you want?
KYLE: You know what I want.
(Kyle comes in and closes the door. He walks over to her and starts making out. She stops him)
MADELINE: Do we have to do this now?
KYLE: When else?
(Kyle keeps making out with her. They get on the bed and start undressing. Madeline stops Kyle for a second)
MADELINE: We don’t have to do this.
KYLE: Yes we do, we’re teenagers, now grab the Vodka and pot and let’s fornicate explicitly!
MADELINE: But not as many teenagers have sex as the media portrays,
KYLE: Well, we’re eighteen, so let’s rabbits like fuck.
KYLE: Fuck like rabbits I said!
(They continue removing clothes and Kyle begins thrusting. Cut to Mayor Sarandon asleep in his office. Ethan enters carrying a liquor bottle with a bow on it)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hmm?
(Mayor Sarandon gets up)
MAYOR SARANDON: WHA? Oh. Hey, what’s-hi? Hey.
ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, did you finish any of the work that I gave you?
MAYOR SARANDON: YES! I didn’t, though.
ETHAN: So the first thing you said was a lie.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah. Listen, I’m pretty stressed. What’s the bottle about?
ETHAN: Um, it’s actually a gift from my Lawyer, David Merkely, you know, the one that’s helping us sue the trampoline company.
MAYOR SARANDON: Right.
ETHAN: I just don’t know that it’s appropriate to give the gift to you right now.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nonsense. Bring it over
(A woman barges in, livid)
WOMAN: MISTER MAYOR! WE PASSED AN ORDINANCE BANNING PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF NUDITY TWO MONTHS AGO! YOU HAVE YET TO PROVIDE THE POLICE DEPARMENT WITH THE AUTHORITY OR GUIDELINES TO ENFORCE IT!
MAYOR SARANDON: What’s the big deal?
WOMAN: There are opportunistic streakers all around the city, a bunch of them filled a local pizza joint and, let’s just say that they threw out all the dough.
MAYOR SARANDON: How do you even know I ever signed that, Ms. Edelman?
MS. EDELMAN: Because you did!
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, (Mayor Sarandon stands up to reveal he is not wearing pants or underwear, causing an extremely visceral reaction from both Ms. Edelman and Ethan) I don’t think we need to be caught up in these non-issues.
ETHAN: OH NO!
MS. EDELMAN: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!
MAYOR SARANDON: Ms. Edelman, lower your voice, the baby is sleeping.
ETHAN: What baby?
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re a baby.
ETHAN: I didn’t call you a baby, I asked you “What baby?”.
MAYOR SARANDON: Your baby.
(Mayor Sarandon faints)
ETHAN: ….Jesus. Ms. Edelman, I want you to know that your role on the city council is vital, and that Mayor Sarandon apologizes for his actions.
MS. EDELMAN: He can’t stand, he can’t work and now he can’t even apologize, everyone’s doing everything for him. He’s unfit for office, you know.
ETHAN: I don’t know about that…
MS. EDELMAN: Really?
ETHAN: Okay, maybe you’re right, but Mayor Sarandon isn’t going anywhere. He’s not getting fired, quitting or dying.
MS. EDELMAN: He’s bleeding from his head profusely.
(Cut to Ryan in Counselor Vammberg’s office. They are sitting in chairs, talking)
RYAN: So I bribed all the teachers of classes I’m failing with fruit baskets, like you said.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Good. I am glad you have taken initiative.
RYAN: Well, I did have to work hard to get that fruit. I had to go all the way to the cafeteria.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: And the baskets?
RYAN: I stole them from some gardening competition out back.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: I see.
RYAN: The point is, I am kind of upset about this year. It seems like all the teachers are just teaching to the test, and that they don’t really care about whether we comprehend the information that is being injected into our brain holes.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Well, that’s how public education works. Welcome to the real world.
RYAN: Yeah. You know, it’s my birthday today.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Is it? Well, happy times, then.
RYAN: No, you’re supposed to say “happy birthday”.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: No, there’s only one birthday I celebrate, and it’s on April 20th.
RYAN: Jesus, you mean Hitler’s birthday?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: No, Joey Lawrence’s birthday.
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: I also celebrate November 9th.
RYAN: Oh, you mean Allison Wolfe’s birthday?
COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: No, Kristallnacht.
(Cut to Kyle and Madeline on the bed, after having had sex. Madeline looks bored while Kyle looks satisfied)
MADELINE: Nothing, I just feel like I was raped.
KYLE: Raped with pleasure.
(Kyle laughs, then gets out of the bed)
MADELINE: Sure. (Madeline gets out of bed and starts putting clothes back on, Kyle does the same. Once they are done, a knock is heard) KYLE, NOT NOW!
KYLE: I’m right here!
MADELINE: Oh, then it must be Jacob.
RYAN: It’s me, Ryan!
(Madeline opens the door to see Ryan)
RYAN: Hey, it’s my birthday, come down, we’re celebrating.
MADELINE: Oh yeah. Kyle, you should leave.
KYLE: I can stay for your little brother’s birthday-
(Kyle walks past both of them and goes downstairs, and leaves)
MADELINE: Happy birthday, Ryan.
(They go downstairs. They walk into the living room where Ethan, Kimberly and Jacob are seated on the couch, waiting for something that will never come, until it does when they walk in)
ALL EXCEPT RYAN: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RYAN!
ETHAN: I never thought my boy would turn fifteen!
RYAN: You’re both wrong, I’m turning seventeen.
RYAN: You must’ve heard me!
JACOB: Enough talk! Let’s open presents!
(Cut to earlier, when Ethan has an ice pack against Mayor Sarandon’s head while he is sitting in his office, holding a bottle of whiskey)
ETHAN: Sir, I think you need to cut down on your drinking.
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t drink.
ETHAN: You’re holding a bottle of whiskey right now.
MAYOR SARANDON: This is milk.
ETHAN: Do you honestly believe you can convince me that’s milk? It’s brown and transparent.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think transparency is an important value of government, Ethan.
ETHAN: Wrong context, right?
MAYOR SARANDON: I think I may have over done it.
ETHAN: You definitely over did it. You flashed the vice chair of the city council.
MAYOR SARANDON: I had forgotten my pants were off, okay? Plus, she’s a dumb bitch.
ETHAN: She’s also the second most powerful member of the city council.
MAYOR SARANDON: Whatever.
ETHAN: No, not whatever, listen, maybe you should take a leave of absence and I’ll act as Mayor for a little while.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m gonna take a leave of absinthe.
(Mayor Sarandon takes out a bottle of absinthe and begins chugging it)
ETHAN: Isn’t absinthe illegal in the United States? (Mayor Sarandon finishes the whole thing) Christ almighty.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, it’s illegal, but…fuck ya.
ETHAN: I paid off Ms. Edelman to keep quiet about the flashing incident, and now I think you should take a leave of absence and allow me to run the city as Mayor pro tempore.
MAYOR SARANDON: HELL NAW! I’m going to sleep.
(Mayor Sarandon passes out on his desk. After waiting a few moments, Ethan exits the room. Cut to Michelle in her grandparent’s living room in the mountains of Colorado. She is sitting on a chair, and the grandma and grandpa are also sitting on chairs)
MICHELLE’S GRANDPA: Well, sweetie, how do you like it up here?
MICHELLE: Well, Grandpa Luke, I like it, but I wish I hadn’t my missed my boyfriend’s birthday.
(Michelle’s dad Frank comes in)
FRANK: Are you kidding me? You can leave that fella behind for a few days, right?
MICHELLE: Of course, I just wish I could tell him happy birthday from up here.
GRANDPA LUKE: Can’t you use one of those newfangled cellular telephones?
MICHELLE: There’s no service up here, only rabid bears and descents of death.
MICHELLE’S GRANDMA: Neil was telling me about how passenger pigeons can carry cell phone signals around the world!
MICHELLE: Grandma Clara, Neil is dead and passenger pigeons are extinct.
GRANDMA CLARA: What?! The pretty FOX News lady didn’t tell me that!
MICHELLE: That’s because they went extinct in 1914.
GRANDPA LUKE: She’s pretty.
MICHELLE: Yeah, you mentioned that.
(Cut to Ryan sitting on the fire place, with presents all around him, as well as his family)
RYAN: Wow, so many presents for my fourteenth birthday.
RYAN: Damnit, even I’m getting it wrong now. Anyway, I’ll open the one from Maddie first. (Ryan picks up Madeline’s gift and reads the card to himself) Aw, thank you.
MADELINE: You’re welcome. Are you going to read it out loud?
RYAN: Naw. (He opens the gift to reveal an ice sculpture of a woman singing) Wha?
MADELINE: It’s an ice sculpture! Enjoy that quickly, because it’s already melting.
RYAN: How did it not melt when the Postal Service shipped it?
MADELINE: I used Federal Express.
ETHAN: I see.
JACOB: That makes sense.
(Ryan brings the ice sculpture to the kitchen and comes back)
RYAN: Who’s next?
JACOB: Open mine!
RYAN: Okay. (Ryan takes his present and opens it to reveal roller blades) Umm…what?
JACOB: I thought maybe I could teach you how to roller blade, and we could roller blade together.
RYAN: (Laughs) Dude, you roller blade?
JACOB: NO! It was a joke gift! Ha ha!
(Jacob gets up and roller blades away)
RYAN: Okay, that was…weird. Next gift!
ETHAN: Open mine, big tine.
RYAN: Big tine?
(Ryan takes Ethan’s gift and opens it, revealing a yellow polo and a pair of Levi’s blue jeans)
(Ryan throws it in a pile of other yellow polos and Levi’s blue jeans from previous years)
KIMBERLY: Open mine!
RYAN: You mean the tall and physically imposing one right over there?
(Pan to a very tall present)
(Ryan takes off the top of the present, and Mallart Bond of Devil’s Niece comes out)
MALLART BOND: HEY RYAN! IT’S MALLART BOND OF DEVIL’S NIECE!
RYAN: OH MY GOD! MALLART I AM THE BIGGEST GODDAMN FAN IN THE ENTIRE NATION I WANT TO TALK TO YOU AND HANG OUT WITH YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND YOU’RE AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU AND-
MALLART BOND: Stop talking, Ryan Donahue! Let’s go get ice cream and write in journals together!
(Cut to reality, Ryan is daydreaming after he opened Ethan’s present)
KIMBERLY: Ryan. RYAN!
RYAN: AHH! Yes?
KIMBERLY: My present, please. Open it.
RYAN: Okay. (Ryan grabs Kimberly’s present and opens it, revealing “Battleship” the game) Wow.
KIMBERLY: I know! It’s the video game based on the movie based on the board game!
RYAN: Thanks, mom, thanks, everybody.
(They all take turns hugging. Then, “Mad World” by Gary Jules begins to play. The scene cuts to Ethan, sitting at his desk filling out paper work while the “daily races” part plays. A drunk Mayor Sarandon stumbles carrying a bottle of ABSOLUT vodka, leans the on the desk for a second, then goes into his office. Ethan puts his head down on his desk. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, sitting in his office, looking at a picture of him and his dead wife getting married during the “drown my sorrows” part. Cut to Ryan, laying wide awake in his bed in the dark, during the “dreams in which I’m dying” part, then cut to Michelle laying wide awake in her grandparent’s guest bed in Colorado while her parents fight in the kitchen downstairs. During the “people run in circles” part, it cuts to Ethan at his desk, Mayor Sarandon at his desk, Madeline and Kyle walking together and Ryan sitting up in his bed very rapidly. It goes between these characters in rapid succession during the “Mad World” part. During the “happy birthday” part, we cut to Ryan about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake, and then he does, prompting his family to clap. Then, during the “sit and listen” part, it cuts to Ryan listening to Mr. Daniels when he is about to take his exam. Then it cuts to Ryan walking through the hallway during passing period, clinging to a bracelet with Michelle’s name on it. During “dreams in which I’m dying” it cuts to Mayor Sarandon, drunk, trying to get his key in the door at his mansion. Then, during “people run in circles” it cuts to Kyle and Madeline making out on a park bench, with Madeline’s mind clearly on something else. During “Mad World”, it alternates between scenes of Ryan knocking on Jacob’s door, then opening it to see he’s not there to scenes of Ethan getting home, kissing Kimberly, then going to lay down on the couch to scenes of Mayor Sarandon sitting alone in a massive living room with a glass of alcohol watching television to scenes of Madeline lying in bed, ignoring the small rocks that are being thrown at her bedroom window by Kyle. Then it ends with quick close-ups of Ryan, Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Madeline, Michelle and Kyle’s expressionless faces. The song ends, then cut to Ryan sitting in his room, on his computer. Ethan walks in and leans against the wall)
ETHAN: Hey, champ.
RYAN: You’ve never called that before.
ETHAN: Listen, I had girlfriends that broke up with me, too.
RYAN: Michelle didn’t break up with me, she just went to Colorado.
ETHAN: Great, because I was not looking forward to consoling you. See ya.
(Ethan leaves. Cut to Kimberly loading the dishwasher when Ethan comes in. She turns around)
KIMBERLY: Hey, Ethan. How was work?
ETHAN: Ugh, awful. Mayor Sarandon is a drunk who’s unfit for office. I tried to convince him to take a leave of absence so I could take over as Mayor pro tempore, but he took a leave of vodka and rejected my request.
KIMBERLY: You mean a leave of absinthe?
KIMBERLY: You mean, I could’ve been married to the Mayor?
ETHAN: Pro tempore. But he said no.
(Kimberly comes over and starts kissing Ethan)
KIMBERLY: If you get him drunk enough, maybe he’ll say yes.
ETHAN: How could you get him more drunk? Germ-X?
KIMBERLY: You have to think like a teenager, yeah.
(Ethan chuckles and the screen fades to black)
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