The Donahues Episode 175

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Luke commissions a painting of Kimberly for her 47th birthday, Ethan and Omar go to "rescue" Jacob from The Congo and Ryan deals with a break-in at Michelle's apartment

Submitted: July 11, 2014

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Submitted: July 11, 2014









“Oh! Thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand between their loved home and the war's desolation! Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land praise the power that hath made and preserved us a nation”

-Francis Scott Key


(We start with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at their news desks)


PATRICK WHITE: President Obama has recently sent a cavalcade of three-hundred US Army advisors to Iraq in an attempt to aid the Iraqi government’s efforts to beat back ISIS, otherwise known as ISIL, if you’re nasty. And they are. This cavalcade of three-hundred advisors have already run into ISIS’ walls of dead bodies- (Cut to footage of Spartan soldiers finding a wall of dead bodies from the movie “300”) and the strategy involves using a whip- (Cut to footage, from 300, of a soldier sitting on a throne about to whip a wall of dead bodies as a man jumps from behind in slow motion wielding a sword) for some reason.


(Cut back to Patrick and Fiona)


FIONA: This is madness!


PATRICK: It is indeed.


FIONA: It’s madness, Patrick!


PATRICK: Yes. Yes, I agree.


FIONA: …You’re supposed to say-oh, fuck it. Anyway, ISIS is already setting up government functions in the area of Iraq that they control. Such as directing traffic.


PATRICK: They even set up a speed camera….which is actually just a guy standing on the side of the road wielding a scoped automatic rifle.


FIONA: And they make sure everyone is wearing their seat belts while sitting in the bed of their pick-up trucks or riding their camel on the morning commute. The punishment for flouting this law is the removal of your hands and a small fine.


PATRICK: Former Vice President Dick Cheney is saying words about the situation in Iraq other than “hope it turns out okay” and this is making people angry, even Megyn Kelly of the FOX News, who asked him how he could criticize President Obama for being wrong about Iraq when he was wrong about Iraq in nearly every regard besides its geographical location, name and arid climate.


FIONA: It’s hot, right?




FIONA: Got it.


PATRICK: Let’s see what Cheney had to say.


(Cut to Dick Cheney and Lynn Cheney being interviewed by Megyn Kelly)


FORMER VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Listen, Megyn, now that President Obama has screwed up Iraq by pulling out troops, it is the responsibility of the United States to fix the problem. I’ve been leaving incessant voicemails on the New York Times’ machine, but they don’t listen to me as much as they used to. And I keep mailing Colin Powell this vile of- (Cheney takes out a vile of prop anthrax) fake anthrax, but it never gets to him because Obama’s gestapo keeps sending men in HAZMAT suits to inspect it. So I don’t know how else to say it, other than, we’ll be greeted as liberators in Iraq, Megyn.


(Cut back to Patrick and Fiona)


FIONA: Wouldn’t the world be better off if Cheney had died of his first heart attack in the late seventies?


PATRICK: It would indeed. In other news, a new jobs report from the Department of Labor Statistics shows that 275,000 jobs were added last month, and the unemployment rate has gone down to 6.1%, which economists say is nearly a healthy level of unemployment.


FIONA: In response, millions of Republicans volunteered to quit their jobs just to make President Obama look bad. We’ll see what effect that has next month.


PATRICK: Moving on, IRS employees called to testify before the US House of Representatives have said that all of Lois Lerner’s e-mails relating to the IRS scandal have been lost due to a corrupted disk drive.


FIONA: In fact, one IRS employee says they don’t really keep their records for more than six months at a time. Meanwhile, I still have records of all the allowance money my parents gave me when I was an eight-year old girl. You know why? Because the IRS told me to fucking SAVE EVERYTHING!

PATRICK: Hey, this is a professional news organization. Relax.


FIONA: Sorry.


PATRICK: In election news, rage is brewing amongst Tea Party conservatives over the fact that Chris McDaniel, the tea party candidate in the Mississippi Senate Primary, narrowly lost to incumbent Senator Thad Cochran due mostly to support from black Democrats who voted for him in the June 24th run-off election. Black Democrats voted for Cochran mostly because his opponent re-tweeted white supremacists and has said controversial things about race and racism, liked some Nazi Facebook posts, re-pinned some swastika cakes on Pinterest and is a racist.


FIONA: Proving this further, McDaniel supporters hacked a conference call Senator Cochran was having with his campaign, and asked him why he “harvested black votes” like “black people harvest cotton”.


PATRICK: Racists are sometimes very poetic like that. “Republicans are red, Democrats are blue, but you bathed in black and absorbed heat, and now nigger reflects off of you” was another one they were gonna use.


FIONA: I want confirmation on that. Otherwise I think you’re fired.


PATRICK: You don’t have that authority.


FIONA: In a tragic end to this story, a Mississippi Tea Party leader and McDaniel supporter by the name of Mark Mayfield, has committed suicide after being charged with alleged involvement in a photograph taken by a blogger of Thad Cochran’s bed-ridden wife in an attempt to embarrass the Senator.


PATRICK: Jesus, that is the second person involved in these 2014 midterm elections to drop dead so far. First it was the guy Clay Aiken was running against, Keith Crisco, and now this guy! This election is like Karoshi.


FIONA: That Japanese thing where people work so hard that they just drop dead suddenly?


PATRICK: Yeah, this election is exhausting! Especially with this next story, apparently, definite 2016 Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton defended an accused child rapist nearly forty years ago and was captured on tape in the 1980s bragging about how she knew the man was guilty, but got him convicted on a lesser charge and had his sentence reduced to time served.


FIONA: These tapes were unearthed recently from the Clinton Library Archives and have been causing a firestorm of criticism. Hillary Clinton told reporters that she was appointed to the case as a public defender and that she tried to get off of the case, but was not allowed to. The only problem with this tale of Ms. Clinton the Reluctant Lawyer is that she has never said that she was “appointed” to this position. Not in her book, not on the tapes, not in any lawyer jokes I’ve ever heard.


PATRICK: In fact, she seemed to imply in the tapes that she did it “as a favor”. To whom this favor was owed to, is unclear. Maybe Jimmy Saville, but many are asking how can Hillary Clinton stand up for women, or, human beings, or animals in general, when she engages in something this craven, callous, cold, calculated, uncaring, unthinking, indifferent, cruel, heartless, deceitful and hypocritical? Especially considering the man’s sentence was reduced because Clinton suggested the victim “lead him on” or “exaggerated the events” in question. I mean, Jesus Christ.


FIONA: In other, even sadder news, Governor Perry has rejected President Obama’s offer to greet him on the tarmac when he arrives in Austin, Texas on Wednesday, saying they should instead meet in private to have a lengthier discussion of the humanitarian crisis developing at the border, where thousands of unaccompanied children are crossing the border illegally, and where border security personnel are having a hard time figuring out how to properly house these minors. Plus, Governor Perry wants to show the President his baseball card collection. Governor Perry has recently suggested that President Obama might be behind the influx of these children, saying that because they’re Hispanic, they could be used as future voters to keep Democrats in office. The children responded to these allegations of collusion with the President by asking if they could please have a soft surface to sleep on and a glass of water.


PATRICK: Recently, buses full of undocumented women and their children were turned away by protestors in California, near the border. The protestors yelled things like “go back home” and “Let America be America Again” held up signs that said things like “secure our borders” and “how do you spell hipsanic? I really don’t want to look like an idiot”. These buses were turned around and the immigrants were taken to another facility. This incident really highlights the fact that the immigration issue is a Civil Rights issue.


(Fiona turns to him)


FIONA: I’m so proud of you.




(Cut to Ethan watching this on the TV in Jacob’s apartment. He is hunched forward, nervously rubbing his hands together)




(Omar comes in with a notebook)


OMAR: I found it!


(Ethan turns off the TV and walks over to Omar and grabs the notebook and looks at it)


ETHAN: Okay, this appears to be his diary.


OMAR: Yeah, he mentions what mission Renee is working for in this entry.


ETHAN: Yeah, after he lists his favorite UFC fights, maybe his boss was right.


OMAR: About what?


ETHAN: Nothing.


OMAR: Just, what is the mission?


ETHAN: Our Lady of Infernal Salvation Mission Base in the outskirts of Kinshasa, The Congo.


OMAR: I suppose that’s who you need to call.


ETHAN: Okay. Hold on. (Ethan looks up the number on his phone) Okay, they have a number. I’m calling it.


(Ethan calls the mission. It rings for a while)


VOICEMAIL: (On phone) Thank you for calling Our Lady of Infernal Salvation Mission Base. We either cannot come to the phone right now because we are busy or have been raptured. Please leave a message and consider the following question: could God set a bail price so high that even HE could not pay it?




ETHAN: I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking to make my son stay in a crime-ridden shithole for the rest of the summer, I can tell you I do not like it. At all. What I do like, is God. And God loaned me a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long and recently failed political career. Skills of cajolery and manipulation that sicken people like you. If you order Jacob to fly back to America now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you. I will find you. And I will- um, I’ll take my son back to the United States. Call me back. Thanks. (Ethan hangs up) No time to wait for them to call back.


OMAR: You just told you would wait.


ETHAN: And yet there’s no time!


OMAR: Sure there is, you haven’t waited even one minute.


ETHAN: I’m going to The Congo to find Jacob and rescue him from whatever weird fucking cult he’s gotten involved in, or whatever truck full of Barkhad Abdis have kidnapped him.


OMAR: Well, good luck with it.


ETHAN: Where are you from?


OMAR: …Sorry?


ETHAN: Where are you from?


OMAR: I’m originally from Libya, I was born there, but I moved to the United States at the age of five.


ETHAN: So it’s safe to say you have a keen knowledge of Africa?


OMAR: No, it is not SAFE to say that.


ETHAN: You’re from Africa.


OMAR: I barely remember it.


ETHAN: …I just need someone to come with me and help me find Jacob.


OMAR: Why, in the hell, would I do that for you?


ETHAN: It’s summer, you have nothing to do, and quite frankly, since the separation, I’ve been really lonely.


OMAR: Wow, sad.


ETHAN: Yes. Come with me?


OMAR: …I do have a great aunt who lives in The Congo. Better go check if she’s still pretending to be polio-stricken to get spare change. But you have to pay for my ticket, lest we both suffer the same fate.


ETHAN: Alright, grab your coat and we’ll go.


OMAR: Yeah, all I’ll need is a coat to go to another continent. Especially one with a climate like Africa’s.


ETHAN: Fine, go pack.


OMAR: Are you going to call your ex-wife about it?


ETHAN: Current wife. And no, I wouldn’t want to ruin her birthday. I’ll tell her once Jacob is home safely.


OMAR: Your son being missing in a dangerous country is not like the cat being run over by a car, it’s not news you just save until someone’s vacation is over.


ETHAN: You’re making me reconsider taking you.


OMAR: Okay, fine, I can stay-


ETHAN: NO! It’s fine! You can come!


(Cut to Omar and Ethan on a plane. Ethan is looking out the window)


OMAR: I told you I should’ve packed more! A one-way ticket to The Congo with almost no luggage for a guy named Omar?! Did you see the way they looked at me? That one TSA guy manually wrote new prohibited materials on the sign in sharpie right in front of me, that’s why they took my DS!


ETHAN: Oh, boo-hoo, my wife left me and my son is missing.


OMAR: …Sorry.


ETHAN: You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to spend the rest of the flight in the bathroom crying.


(Ethan raises his hand)


OMAR: What are you doing?


ETHAN: I’m going to ask the pilot if I can use the restroom.


OMAR: This isn’t third grade, just go!


ETHAN: I don’t know this airline’s policy! (Ethan stands up, squeezes past the guy seated right next to him, an overweight guy with a mustache) Excuse me.


(Ethan walks down the aisle)


OVERWEIGHT GUY: Tell him he rest his head on my belly if he gets sleepy at or depressed at any time during the flight.




OVERWEIGHT GUY: I can also be used as a floatation device.


OMAR: You’d sink like a stone.


OVERWEIGHT GUY: But we’d go down together, as the light shimmers through the water’s surface, illuminating our coral graves.


OMAR: That was beautiful. But I’m still not into guys. And since you’re going to The Congo, I would advise against saying things like that while you’re there.




(Cut to Ethan standing in the airplane’s bathroom looking into the mirror as a tear streamed down his cheek. The cheek was sucked into the toilet)


ETHAN: Now my tears water the Earth below. Oh my God, I’ve become my own son. It’s as if we’re all emo on the inside.


(Cut to a stewardess outside the bathroom)




ETHAN: What?


STEWARDESS: You’ve been in there for eleven minutes, and there are other people who want to go.


ETHAN: Just a few more minutes please.


STEWARDESS: You know you’re abusing this privilege! Coach bathrooms don’t have a door, they have a CURTAIN!!


(Cut to Ethan and Omar walking through the Kinshasa airport. Ethan is looking at a map)


ETHAN: Alright, where are we? Oh, we’re in the Kinshasa airport. Well, that’s the first mystery solved. Second one, where is the nearest church?


OMAR: More like, where is the nearest bathroom?


ETHAN: Don’t use the restrooms here, it’s not sanitary.


OMAR: I would’ve used them on the plane, but someone was in there the whole time.


ETHAN: Focus, we need to find a directory. (Ethan and Omar walks over to a concierge booth) Hi, we’re religious tourists, and we are looking for a church in the area. A Methodist one.


CONCIERGE: (French accent) We’re mostly Catholic here, but yes, there is a heathen church downtown.


ETHAN: Could we get directions? (The concierge points east) Could we get more, specific directions?


CONCIERGE: What, like, this? (The concierge holds up a bible) The Catholic version?


OMAR: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.


(Cut to Michelle in her living room with Ryan who is holding the Titan plush doll)


MICHELLE: And that’s what’s great about America, Ryan. The diversity, of this country, when you look at an American, you’re basically seeing…a world.


RYAN: Maybe it’s because they’re round?


(Michelle laughs)


MICHELLE: Goddamnit, you’re a commy!


RYAN: I’m an honest. (Ryan squeezes the plush titan) I think he’s going to become my new band manager or something.


MICHELLE: Maybe band mascot? Although you might have to pay royalties to Wit Studio.


RYAN: I’ll pay royalties to whatever Asian child stitched this thing together for me. And then she can get unlimited free passes to shows for life.


MICHELLE: What if he’s more into rap metal?


RYAN: Then fuck him.


(Michelle laughs)


MICHELLE: Yeah…so, we still have a few hours left in the Fourth. What do we do?


RYAN: I don’t know, catch up on Attack On Titan?


MICHELLE: Or, fireworks? That’s normally what people do on America’s birthday.


RYAN: America sucks though, Attack On Titan on the other hand, doesn’t. Plus, I’m all tuckered out, walking around that park all day, I got blisters on my feet and my beautifully pale skin was violated by the sun’s UV rays.


MICHELLE: Yeah, now you don’t look like you’ve been dead for four hours.


RYAN: And it’s wrong! So let’s just kick back, huh?


MICHELLE: But Ryan, it’s the fourth of July.


RYAN: But Michelle! Relax and have a Dorite!


(Ryan holds up a bag labeled “Dorites”)


MICHELLE: Why would that relax me?


RYAN: Dorites have a soothing component, I’m sure of it.


MICHELLE: They have cheese dust, salt and disodium phosphate.


RYAN: Dorites.


(Cut to Michelle using a Keurig to make coffee in her kitchen the following morning. She is wearing pajamas and looks tired. Rachel comes in wearing a party dress, heels and with flawless hair)




(Michelle turns to Rachel)


MICHELLE: How are you looking this great at six in the morning?


RACHEL: I slept in this. I was so drunk last night when I got home, I just crashed.


MICHELLE: Went right to sleep, huh?


RACHEL: No, look I crashed my car outside the building because I was so drunk.


MICHELLE: Jesus, Rachel, you shouldn’t be driving drunk!


RACHEL: Tell that to the person whose car I ran into.


MICHELLE: He would probably agree!

RACHEL: How was your night? I heard you fucking Ryan.


MICHELLE: Oh, Rachel, you’re so tactful. (Michelle presses a button on the Keurig several times) Brew, damnit! Brew!


RACHEL: You have to lift the lid, and then clamp it down again.


(Michelle lifts the lid and clamp it down again and presses the button)


MICHELLE: No, it’s not doing anything! (Michelle presses some more buttons) And now it’s saying I have to download Flash Player 8!


RACHEL: Just exit out of it.


MICHELLE: Okay. (She presses some more buttons) Now what? It’s asking me if I’m making popcorn or pizza. It knows it’s a coffee machine right?


RACHEL: Wait for it! (The Keurig makes three clicking noises) That means it’s ready to go!


MICHELLE: So, click the button?




(Michelle clicks the button, and toast pops out of the top of the machine)




RACHEL: I don’t know how to help you.


MICHELLE: Just forget it.


(Michelle leans on the counter)


RACHEL: So yeah, how was your time with Ryan?


MICHELLE: It was fun. At the amusement park especially, when I won him that plush doll. But then instead of lighting off fireworks later that night, he just insisted we watch Attack On Titan together, even though I wanted to blow shit up.


RACHEL: You should have insisted.


MICHELLE: Well, I didn’t want to do something he wasn’t going to enjoy.


RACHEL: Isn’t that what you were doing?


MICHELLE: No, I enjoy Attack On Titan. It just seems like Ryan isn’t the typical guy when it comes to, adrenaline pumping things like sports, roller coasters and blowing shit up.


RACHEL: Well, maybe he just recognizes that blowing shit up can be dangerous. Hell, I almost burnt down a county once while using fireworks.


MICHELLE: You almost burnt down a county?


RACHEL: Yeah. Well, Alameda County.


MICHELLE: Oh, well, that’s whatever-


RACHEL: Right.


MICHELLE: As long as we’re safe with the fireworks, I mean, I don’t know, maybe it’s a petty complaint.


RACHEL: Let me ask you something Michelle, does Ryan love his mother?


MICHELLE: Uh, yeah, of course. What are you-


RACHEL: No, I mean like, REALLY love his mother, like, an Oedipus complex?


MICHELLE: No. Although I’m sure he wants to kill his father like Oedipus did.


RACHEL: Has he ever sought maternal tendencies elsewhere? Like, I don’t know, from girlfriends? That’s just the first thing that came to my mind.


MICHELLE: ...Yeah, from his last girlfriend. From what she tells me. Also, from when we dated briefly two years ago.


RACHEL: Hmm. Yeah, I wouldn’t cater to that. I wouldn’t prepare Totino’s pizza rolls when he comes over or let him play with your toes after a long day. Otherwise you’ll be in a weird situation.


MICHELLE: Damnit. Not this again. I can’t baby him, you’re right! I shouldn’t have gotten him that Plush Titan or let that Plush Titan be involved in our foreplay!

RACHEL: Well, I need to go to work.


MICHELEL: It’s Saturday.


RACHEL: So it is. I need to go somewhere else, then.


(Rachel leaves the apartment as Michelle sighs and shakes her head. Cut to Kimberly asleep in her bed one morning. She opens her eyes to check her phone, and it says “Sunday, July 6, 2014”. Kimberly turns to the other side of the bed, but there’s no one there. Kimberly gets up and watches the light shine through her window as she hears a lawn mower blaring in her neighborhood. She looks out the window to see some white guy in boat shoes and a polo shirt pushing a lawn mower across her side yard)


KIMBERLY: Who is that?


(The guy waves. She waves back, somewhat ambivalently. The guy walks up to the window and puts his face against it, causing Kimberly to step back)


LAWNMOWER GUY: (British accent) When are you going to install the outhouse back here?!


KIMBERLY: Who are you!?


LAWNMOWER GUY: We’re the mowers you hired.


KIMBERLY: I didn’t hire you!


LAWNMOWER GUY: Then your husband did. The chubby one with curly hair and surprisingly no drinking problem?


KIMBERLY: Oh, he’s not my husband, he’s my boyfriend. I’ll go talk to him! But you don’t need an outhouse, you can just come inside and use our bathroom!


LAWNMOWER GUY: No, no, no. (The lawnmower guy backs off from the window) Absolutely not. It’s not appropriate.


(The lawnmower guy keeps on mowing and walks away)


KIMBERLY: What in the hell…?


(Kimberly leaves her bedroom to see Luke, Neil, Cliff and Rose sitting around in the living room, all reading newspapers which they simultaneously put down to look at Kimberly)


LUKE: Morning, Kim.


NEIL: Morning.


KIMBERLY: Morning, what-


CLIFF: Morning.


KIMBERLY: …Yes, good morning. When did you hire lawn guys, Luke?


LUKE: Oh, just the other day. No big deal. I’m paying for them.


KIMBERLY: But why do they expect to use an outhouse in the backyard?!


CLIFF: Where do you expect them to relieve themselves? A hole in the ground out there? If he’s been flippant, then I’ll dig one, but otherwise I think it’s unseemly.


KIMBERLY: No, I expect him to use the restroom in OUR house!

LUKE: Jesus, Kimmy, he’s not to be trusted! As my mother said, “You don’t let the help inside the home unless they’re made of flesh and bone!”


KIMBERLY: They are made of flash and bone!

ROSE: This is definitely a cultural gap right now.


LUKE: Yeah, let’s get off the subject of the help. Happy Birthday, Kimberly!

KIMBERLY: Thanks, everybody.


(Luke, Cliff, Rose and Neil stand up)


NEIL: We have a surprise for you. But we can’t show it to you, because it’s a surprise.


KIMBERLY: I’ll still be surprised if you show it to me. That’s how surprises work.


NEIL: No, no, we can’t show It to you today because you’ll be expecting a surprise, because it’s your birthday. Let’s give it a few months, or years. Whenever you least expect it-


LUKE: Shut up, Neil. Here’s your surprise! COME OUT!

(A mustached man with an easel and paintbrushes comes in)


ARTIST: Surprise!

LUKE: I got you an artist, he’s going to paint a portrait of you!




ARTIST: I will do your likeness justice. If you’d just please, sit down and pose for me.


LUKE: We’re not doing Kate Winslet stuff, though.


ARTIST: No, of course not, I’ll paint your girlfriend naked.


LUKE: What? That’s exactly what I meant when I said “Kate Winslet stuff”!


ARTIST: Oh, my bad, I thought you were asking me if your girlfriend was Kate Winslet. (Luke shakes his head in disbelief as he stares at the artist) My name is Julio by the way.


KIMBERLY: Nice to meet you. Where should I pose? This is exciting.


JULIO: Pose near-


CLIFF: The kitchen.


KIMBERLY: Fuck you.


(Cliff smiles)


JULIO: Let’s have you on the carpet near the fireplace.


(Kimberly goes over and stands on the carpet)


KIMBERLY: Like this?


JULIO: Uh, no. Not like that. Let’s have a more interesting pose. Mind you, you’ll have to stay in this position for some time.


KIMBERLY: Okay, how about I sit down comfortably in a chair then?


JULIO: Because that wouldn’t be visually interesting.


KIMBERLY: Then what interesting thing could I do for several hours?


JULIO: You could plank.


KIMBERLY: No. I’m not planking. That wouldn’t be comfortable. Let’s go to the backyard to do this.


LUKE: Good idea.


(Kimberly, Luke and Julio get their stuff and head to the backyard. Kimberly sits on a rock)


KIMBERLY: Is this good?


(Julio sets up his easel and his stool)


JULIO: That’s perfect, stay there.


KIMBERLY: Alright.


LUKE: Can I watch you work your magic?


JULIO: No, that makes me uncomfortable, sorry. Especially since I feel like you’re undressing her with your eyes.


LUKE: I mean, she is my girlfriend.


JULIO: What do her nips look like?


LUKE: Uh, you don’t need to know that.


JULIO: Well, they’re going to show through her shirt a little bit, I need to account for that.


LUKE: Kim! Put a sweater on!

KIMBERLY: It is, 86 degrees out here. This portrait is for us, who cares if he draws my incredibly supple nipples?


(Luke sighs)


LUKE: Hey, it’s your birthday, whatever.


JULIO: Thank you. Now, leave me to my work.


LUKE: Alright-


JULIO: BUT FIRST! Get me a Fresca.


LUKE: We don’t have Fresca.


JULIO: In Vermont, you don’t have Fresca?


(Luke stares at him, and then stares at Kimberly. Kimberly nods and then Luke stares back at Julio with contempt, but takes his car keys out)


LUKE: I’ll be back I suppose.


(Luke walks out the backyard’s gate towards the front yard. We cut to Ethan and Omar walking into an empty church in Kinshasa. A black priest comes from his office, talking on his cell phone)


PRIEST: Ecoute, Dieu, je sais que vous avez été sur la bouteille beaucoup depuis votre fils est mort, mais on ne peut pas s'en prendre à Brésil comme ça. Je suis désolé, je dois y aller.


(SUBTITLES: Listen, God, I know you’ve been on the bottle a lot since your son died, but you can’t lash out at Brazil like that. I’m sorry, I have to go)


(The priest hangs up)


PRIEST: Can I help you two?


ETHAN: May we approach the bench of the Lord?


PRIEST: Do not call the Lord such awful names!


ETHAN: No, I said “bench”.


PRIEST: Oh. I thought you called him a cocksucker.


OMAR: How do you mis-hear that badly?


PRIEST: You may approach and be the Lord’s bitch.


(Ethan and Omar shrug their shoulders and approach)


ETHAN: I’m looking for a mission somewhere outside of Kinshasa, would you know where one is? It’s a Methodist mission, so I thought you might know, Father.


PRIEST: Call me dad.


ETHAN: …No. Listen, do you know where one is?


PRIEST: Yes, there’s one just outside Kinshasa, where all the poor folks are. You know, the really poor folks. I’ll have God send you the address.


OMAR: Just go ahead and give it to us.


PRIEST: Yeah, that’s better, he’s notoriously unreliable.


(Ethan takes out his phone)


ETHAN: Go ahead.


(Cut to Ethan and Omar driving a rented car outside of Kinshasa)


OMAR: Wow, this rent-a-car has a nice scent, what is this? (Omar looks at the evergreen scent thing hanging from the mirror) Blood Diamond? That seems like poor taste-


ETHAN: Would you stop talking and navigate, please!? I have a navigator for a reason and you’re not doing your job!

(Omar picks up Ethan’s phone)


OMAR: Relax! The destination is on your RIGHT HERE!


(Ethan stops to see a building with little African children playing American football outside of it)


ETHAN: Oh what, now that WE like soccer, it’s not cool anymore?


(Ethan parks his car and they get out of the car and walk towards the building. Ethan knocks on the door. Cut to inside the building. Jacob, Renee, some other organizers and some African children are sitting in a circle, praying. They all lift their heads and the head organizer takes out a gun and aims it at the door)




HEAD ORGANIZER: Who’s there?


ETHAN: (Through the door) It’s your father!


(The Head organizer puts his gun down and gets all starry-eyed)




JACOB: Wait. No, it couldn’t be. (Ethan opens the door and enters with Omar) Oh my God, it is. And my roommate?!


ETHAN: Jesus Christ, Jacob.




RENEE: This is a Methodist mission, so. Keep it PG-13.


OMAR: I thought it was PG.


RENEE: God upped it to PG-13 because he said he didn’t want to be raising 2 billion “pussies”.




ETHAN: Well, you see, Jacob, I went off of DaVinci’s design for a peddle-operated helicopter, and-I TOOK A PLANE, DUMBASS!


JACOB: How’d you know I was here?! Did Omar snitch?


OMAR: Maybe? And I only went because your dad said he was lonely.


ETHAN: That is NOT a direct quote.


JACOB: It sounds like it is.


ETHAN: What the hell are you doing here, Jacob?! How could you afford this trip?!


JACOB: It was MY money!



JACOB: Wow, thanks, Omar, did you also show him my search history?


OMAR: Your dad figured that out on his own. He called your boss.


JACOB: So you told my BOSS my search history?


OMAR: You’re confused.


JACOB: What are you-oh, okay, I get it now.


ETHAN: YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T! You may have paid for this with what little money you have, but you’ve blown it all! Can you even afford to get back to the US without me?


JACOB: Yes, tell him, Randy!


RANDY: We cover their return fee as long as they do the entire three weeks’ worth of work.






ETHAN: Oh! Well, that’s… (Ethan drops the angry demeanor somewhat) kind of you. However, I still think this is dangerous, and, I mean, yes, you’re spreading religion, and I like that, but, those, those kids out there! Playing football!

RENEE: What about them?


ETHAN: They’re going to get concussions! And depressions! And be considered student athletes!


RANDY: Hey, we feed these children MUCH better than colleges feed their football players! So don’t even!


JACOB: Yeah, we make sure they’re safe. Dad, not that I need your permission, it’s just that I don’t see what the big deal is with letting me help out some African kids for a few weeks with my girlfriend.


OMAR: Maybe because she’s the only reason you’re doing it.


(Jacob smiles and turns to her)


JACOB: She’s the only reason I do anything.




OMAR: I second that.


ETHAN: But you aren’t actually a Christian, right Jacob?


(Jacob smiles and turns to Renee)


JACOB: I’m a closet nihilist with love for a woman and a soft spot for kids.


(Renee furrows her brow)


OMAR: See? He’s in the closet with love for kids. Can we go home?


ETHAN: Yeah, let’s go home, we’ve been in the Congo for all of two hours, let’s just go home after a twelve-hour flight. Listen Jacob…you can stay here.


JACOB: Don’t need your permission.


ETHAN: On ONE condition!


JACOB: Don’t need your permission! No conditions!


ETHAN: That Omar and I are able to help out you and the kids today.


JACOB: …Feel free.


ETHAN: Thanks. Don’t need your permission, though.


RENEE: We get it, you don’t need each other’s permission. Don’t dick measure in front of the children.


OMAR: Yeah, go into the closet to do that. I mean, you have a soft spot for them, don’t you?


(Everybody in the room looks shocked that he said this)


JACOB: You sick fuck.


(Cut to Ryan walking into Michelle’s apartment on July 11th carrying a grocery bag in his hand)


RYAN: Hey Michelle! I’m home! My luggage bags are missing, so I had to use this grocery bag, and now everyone in your apartment complex thinks I’m a pedophile! Michelle?! (Ryan walks further into the apartment and notices the balcony sliding door is open) Michelle, are you here? (Ryan walks into her room to see some of her dresser drawers open, with panties strewn everywhere) Oh God. (Ryan walks over to the kitchen counter and grabs a two-liter of Sunkist) Prepare to be kissed by the sun, stalker! (Ryan moves into a defensive position as he goes into the spare bedroom to see Delaware come into that very room) AHH! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!


DELAWARE: Visiting Michelle’s new house. And her new lover. With my new friend.


(The homeless man from Six Flags in TDEP174 comes in the room)


HOMELESS MAN: Barn burner’s are a real bad time.


DELAWARE: That’s true, Michelle does have a very keen taste.


RYAN: You two need to leave, before I bash your brains in with high-fructose corn syrup.


DELAWARE: Don’t talk to Sirhan like that.


SIRHAN: I’ll light some candles. (Sirhan walks over to a lamp and takes out a stick lighter and lights the lampshade on fire) Burning lamp shade flavor!

DELAWARE: Scent, Sirhan. Scent.


SIRHAN: Lick it!



(Sirhan blows it out)


SIRHAN: Fine! Take a nap! I’ll leave the light on for ya. (Sirhan turns the lights off, but then goes and opens the closet door and turns the lights on in there) See? Not scary no more.


(Sirhan goes into the closet and stares at Ryan from the crack in the door)


RYAN: Okay, now it’s scarier! OUT!


DELAWARE: Let’s go, Sirhan. We’ve gotten everything we need.


(Sirhan comes out of the closet)


SIRHAN: Just remember how much good the purge does.


(Delaware and Sirhan walk into the next room and Ryan follows them. They leave out the front door, and he closes and locks it and starts breathing heavily)


RYAN: Fuck…I need to call 911. (Ryan takes out his phone. Cut to Ryan sitting in the living room on his laptop while “King Park” by La Dispute plays on his computer. He is singing along) CAN I STILL GET INTO HEAVEN IF I KILL MYSELF?! CAN I STILL GET INTO-


(Michelle comes in)




(Ryan puts the laptop down and stands up)


RYAN: Don’t worry, I won’t! I was just singing a song!


MICHELLE: Christ, you scared me!


RYAN: You scared me!


MICHELLE: Oh, Ryan. I’m scared. (Michelle purses her lips and closes her door and walks over to him) There’s a guy at my work who keeps being a jerk to me.


RYAN: What does he do?


MICHELLE: He asks me questions about how the office works, and where deadlines are posted, and if he can have a piece of candy from my candy bowl, and I’m thinking “I’m a receptionist, why would I know all these things! Back off!” Right?


(Ryan looks confused)


RYAN: What-what are you doing? Why are you acting weirdly? That is not a person being a jerk. He sounds like a guy who’s trying to make friends in his new workplace, and, you know what, it doesn’t matter, there was a break-in today.




RYAN: Yeah, Delaware and that homeless guy we saw at Six Flags broke in! And they were going through your wardrobe! I’m concerned, I don’t think we should go out tonight like you wanted to, it’s too risky, they could still be stalking the apartment building! I called the police, they said they have a “no chase” policy and hung up.


MICHELLE: Yeah, they’re under-funded.


RYAN: Well, it’s dangerous out there. Let’s stay in, tonight. We’ll test the waters tomorrow. Remember, I don’t have to go back until my freshman orientation until Monday the 14th.


MICHELLE: …Wait a minute. Are you tricking me?


RYAN: What?


MICHELLE: Are you just telling me that to keep me inside and get your way? Like Delaware used to do? I mean, you told me the two most terrifying people I’ve known in the past year broke in, and you expect me to just believe that? Why didn’t you go ahead and throw Bashar Al-Assad and Dirk Jameson’s ghost in there while you’re at it?


RYAN: Bashar Al-Assad is friends with ghosts?


MICHELLE: It’s about as likely as Delaware knowing that random homeless guy we saw at Six Flags!


RYAN: Michelle, I can only tell you what I saw! You want to see the burn mark on the lamp in the spare bedroom? Or the panties strewn across your bedroom floor? Or the engraving in the wall that Delaware wrote, it says “Remember Paris”. Did you guys ever go to Paris?


MICHELLE: No, but these all sound like things you could’ve done!

RYAN: Jesus, Michelle, do you not trust me at all? Why would I manipulate you like Delaware did when I was the one who saved you from that relationship?


MICHELLE: Because you’re all over the place, Ryan! One minute you’re acting like a kid who HAS to have his way-


RYAN: With you.


MICHELLE: Yes, that too, and before that you were “rescuing” me, like you said, and now you’re “saving” me again, I don’t know what to make of it!

RYAN: Why make anything of it? You’re making a mountain out of a much, much smaller mountain. Just trust that I know when to protect you and vice versa. Our relationship isn’t black and white, not one of us is the protector and not one of us is the helpless child. Except for later tonight when that will be exactly the case for about twenty-two minutes, tops.


MICHELLE: You’ve gotta improve that run time.


RYAN: With commercials, it should be an even thirty minutes.


(Michelle laughs and Ryan smiles)


MICHELLE: Ugh…yeah, maybe I’m over-thinking this whole thing.


RYAN: Yeah. You’re just afraid of this relationship failing, because your last relationship failed, and the last time we were in a relationship, it-you know what? Come here. (Ryan pulls Michelle close to his chest) There we go. Shhh.


MICHELLE: You know what we should do?


RYAN: Delaware-proof the house by installing stadium lights in every room and maybe some bat poison?


MICHELLE: Yes, but we should also compose some music together.


(Ryan looks at Michelle)


RYAN: Like a John Lennon and Yoko Ono thing?


MICHELLE: Are you comparing yourself to John Lennon?


RYAN: No, I’m comparing your ass to Yoko Ono’s.


MICHELLE: Thank you.


RYAN: And just like John Lennon and Yoko Ono did, I’m just going to assume that everyone cares about our relationship.


MICHELLE: Let’s do it. Go get your computer.


(Ryan slaps Michelle’s ass and runs out of the apartment as Michelle runs into her room. Cut to a seemingly frustrated Julio, as he paints Kimberly in the backyard. Kimberly continues to sit on the rock, looking increasingly tired. Luke comes outside)


LUKE: Wow, it’s been quite a while, huh?


JULIO: Yeah.


LUKE: Almost done?


JULIO: Um…maybe…


LUKE: Sorry, maybe?


JULIO: Oh, damn it! Damn it all to hell!


(Julio rips his canvas in half and throws it to the side)


LUKE: Whoa!


KIMBERLY: What are you doing?


JULIO: It wasn’t good enough! I can’t seem to get it right! This woman is as beautiful as the sea! NAY! That is an insult to her!


LUKE: Whoa, you just insulted my lass?


KIMBERLY: That was obviously a compliment, Luke.


JULIO: She is more beautiful than the sea, she’s as beautiful as, what is that painting called?


LUKE: Which one?


JULIO: The one with the smile?


LUKE: The Scream!


JULIO: No, there’s a smile, you know, she has a green dress on, and it’s daytime-


LUKE: Starry Night!


JULIO: This isn’t word association!


KIMBERLY: You’re thinking of the Mona Lisa?


JULIO: BINGO! There it is.


KIMBERLY: You’re a painter, and you couldn’t think of the most widely recognized painting ever?


LUKE: American Gothic!

JULIO: This woman of yours, Mr. Sugar Daddy- (Luke furrows his brow) is so beautiful in such a subtle way, a portrait of her could be the next Mona Lisa. I need to get this, perfectly. So give me a few more hours.


LUKE: Wow. Um…Kim?


KIMBERLY: I’d be fine with being the next Mona Lisa. It’s about time somebody filled her shoes, it’s been 500 years. And honestly, she’s sort of a butter face.


LUKE: Wow, one compliment turned you so stuck-up that you’re now talking shit about the Mona Lisa’s attractiveness.


(Kimberly laughs and Luke smiles)


KIMBERLY: I’ll be another couple hours, babe.


LUKE: Alright then.


(Luke walks back inside as Julio sets up a new canvas)


JULIO: Alright, don’t try to look like the Mona Lisa, just have your own style. Let’s make it a separate masterpiece. (Kimberly smiles and tilts her head) Okay, but don’t make it like an online dating profile picture either.


KIMBERLY: I find humor in everyday life!


(Cut to Ethan, Jacob, Renee, other volunteers, the African Kids and Randy standing outside the missionary, near a pile of bricks and a hole in the ground)


RANDY: Alright, everyone. We’re here to not only feed these kids, clothe these kids, and make sure God doesn’t abandon them-because he’s getting impatient- we’re also here to make sure they are self-sufficient. Which is why we are building them a well.


ETHAN: A well?


RANDY: Did I stutter? Pick up a brick and whip that suburban ass into shape. This isn’t, wherever you’re from…anymore. And with our help, it never will be.


AFRICAN KID: Stop, talking.


RANDY: Let’s go!


(Ethan, Jacob, Renee, Randy and the other volunteers start lifting bricks. Cut back to Kimberly’s backyard. Kimberly is still sitting on the rock as Julio sketches away)


KIMBERLY: Can I not use the restroom?


JULIO: Do you want me to get confused and start sketching what’s behind you?


(Luke comes outside)


LUKE: We actually have birthday dinner reservations at The Salem Sandwich Trial in half an hour, can you hurry this up?


JULIO: Worry not, Lucas, it is done!


LUKE: Great, let me see it!


(Kimberly gets up and walks over to Luke. Julio turns his canvas around and shows a kitschy, cartoony, fair-style caricature of Kimberly, complete with a massive head, in running shorts and a running shirt, with her nipples poking through, as she is about to run into the finish line at a race. Luke and Kimberly look shocked)


KIMBERLY: Are you kidding me?!


JULIO: What? Are the nipples not prominent enough?


KIMBERLY: They’re TOO prominent! And you just spent five hours making a goddamn caricature, this is nowhere NEAR the Mona Lisa, what kind of hack are you?!


JULIO: You said you liked running, right?


LUKE: Yeah, but this is kitschy as shit! It isn’t even a painting! Why did you even bring those paint brushes in?!


JULIO: Well, I’m sorry if you don’t appreciate my art! But I still demand to be paid!

KIMBERLY: We are NOT paying you as much as we would usually, considering how misleading the last five hours have been! I WANTED TO BE THE MONA LISA, BUT HOTTER!

LUKE: Kimberly, relax. Listen, our original agreed upon price was $800, but, this is shoddy work. I’m not paying you more than $150, and that’s, generous.


JULIO: You ass! You short me 650 dollars!


KIMBERLY: His math’s way off.


JULIO: I’ll spread the word through my art that you two are liars and cheats! Soprano brothers!


LUKE: Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? Like, do they register up there?


JULIO: I go in an out!


KIMBERLY: How about this? Take the goddamn sketch with you, we’re set here. That way, you don’t get any money.




LUKE: WAIT! Kimmy, I know you’re mad, but if we don’t buy this, we just wasted five hours on your birthday. And plus, it is sort of a nice, silly picture with a pretty hilarious story behind it.


JULIO: Which is exactly why I am upping the price to 950 dollars, for the sentimental value of it.


LUKE: Go fuck yourself.


JULIO: 7500?


LUKE: Deal.



LUKE: It’s my money, Kimmy.


(Luke hands Julio a wad of cash)


JULIO: Thank you. (Julio hands Luke the picture) Enjoy.


(Julio takes his easel, paints, pens and brushes and walks out of the backyard. Luke smiles and shows Kimberly the picture)


LUKE: I think the nipples could’ve actually used more definition.


(Kimberly smiles and begins making out with Luke as “…Like Clockwork” by Queens Of The Stone Age begins playing. We cut to Ryan and Michelle in her apartment. Ryan is busily typing away on his laptop as the two talk about song and lyric ideas. Cut to Ethan and Jacob applying glue to rocks that are stacked around the hole where the well is going to be. Renee walks in carrying a brick, and Ethan tries to help her with it, but Jacob stops him, and Renee successfully brings it to where it needs to be. Ethan then looks inside the deep dark hole they’ve dug. Cut to Luke hanging the sketch up on the wall in their house as Kimberly, Cliff, Rose and Neil look on. Luke comes down from hanging it up and they all applaud. Neil takes out a dart and tries to throw it at the painting, but it ends up hitting Luke’s head. Neil panics, as everyone is shocked, and he goes over to pull it out as Luke collapses to the floor. Cut to Ryan and Michelle standing out on Michelle’s balcony, overlooking the apartment complex. They are admiring the area, but then Michelle notices a big stack of apple boxes going all the way up to her bedroom window, which she lets Ryan know of the existence of. Ryan and Michelle look at each other in awe. Ryan throws a rock at the structure, and the apple boxes fall over, and many of them smash. Cut to Kimberly, Luke, Neil, Rose and Cliff sitting around the table at a dinner place, laughing it up as Luke mimes the dart going into his forehead. Neil gesticulates wildly with a fork while describing something, and the fork flies out of his hand and right into Luke’s forehead, causing him to collapse again as Kimberly, and others rush to his aid. Cut to Ethan, Jacob and Renee sitting down in the dirt, sweaty and exhausted in the glowing sun as the song ends. They are sipping on water bottles)


ETHAN: Wow, I am thirsty.


JACOB: Yeah, I haven’t been this thirsty in forever.


(Pan over to an African kid sitting near them. He has a blank expression)


AFRICAN KID: Yeah. Doesn’t that suck?


ETHAN: You want some? (Ethan offers the kid the water bottle. The kid takes it and starts drinking from it) Sorry about being so quick to judgment, Jacob. I’m just…gonna miss you.


JACOB: I’ll be back.


ETHAN: I know…it’s just been really hard to find company since the separation. It seems like my whole family’s leaving me.


JACOB: Don’t worry dad, we’re not divorced.


RENEE: You can visit as often as you want.


ETHAN: Oh, I won’t bother you guys too much. But I’ll be glad when you’re back. And I won’t ever seek Omar’s company again.


JACOB: Where is he?


ETHAN: I sent him to the car. To think about what he’s done.


RENEE: Did you roll up the window for him? It’s ninety degrees out.


ETHAN: There’s no window in the trunk.


(Jacob and Renee laugh)


JACOB: Just a question, what about mom?


ETHAN: Fuck, I probably have to call her about this.


(Cut to black)



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