The Donahues Episode 184

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan begins college with numerous conflicts, Mayor Sarandon is defeated in the primary and Kimberly suffers from Empty Nesting syndrome

Submitted: August 28, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 28, 2014









“However, you may hear a distant cawing when mom starts to get the ‘empty nest syndrome’ (which is really more myth than fact), but when you do hear that caw in the distance, pick up the phone. Your momma needs you”

  • Roxanne Byrne


(We start with Ryan in a large college classroom, with ascending rows. The Professor is an older woman, who is speaking to the class)


PROFESSOR: Welcome to American History, 1776 to 1865. I am Doctor Jacqueline Carr. In this course we will cover American History up until the end of the Civil War. Because everything after that is just a drag. Let me tell you something, in History class twenty years from now, the easiest question on the test will be “Why did the US feel obligated to again involve themselves in the Middle East”? (A student raises his hand) Yes?


STUDENT: Why is that an easy question?


DOCTOR CARR: Because we screwed up the Middle East so badly that we felt guilty about it and decided to involve ourselves again! You’ve gotta catch up if you want to see success in this class!


(The student nods)




DOCTOR CARR: Now if you’d please take out your syllabi. (Everyone looks around, confused) It’s plural for syllabus.


RYAN: Yeah, but I don’t think anyone got a syllabus.


STUDENT: I certainly didn’t.


DOCTOR CARR: I air-dropped syllabi to all my studentia. (They all look around confused even more) It’s plural for student.


RYAN: No, it isn’t.


DOCTOR CARR: Well, if you really need a syllabus, feel free to go to my page on Cool? Cool. Now, let’s discuss tests. Tests are tentatively scheduled in the syllabus-


(Cut to Ryan sitting next to a guy who is playing League Of Legends on his laptop while Ryan takes notes on his)


RYAN: (Whispering) Dude, seriously?


STUDENT: (Whispering) What? Am I supposed to listen to this lying bitch drone on about how Columbus didn’t discover America? I got better things to shoot.


RYAN: (Whispering) Don’t say stuff like that in a college, also, If you’re just gonna not pay attention, why even bother coming here?


STUDENT: (Whispering) Attendance.


RYAN: (Whispering) She doesn’t take attendance.


STUDENT: (Whispering) Then I come here for the tail.


RYAN: (Whispering) Yeah, nothing turns the ladies on like League Of Legends.


DOCTOR CARR: Excuse me! (Ryan directs his attention to Doctor Carr) I would rather you pay attention than visit with your neighbor.


RYAN: I was just-


DOCTOR CARR: No more! Just pay attention and stop visiting with your neighbor, in fact, take some pointers from him! He’s clearly taking notes very vigilantly.


STUDENT: Yeah, Ryan, Jesus, get typin’.


RYAN: Oh, come on! He’s-


DOCTOR CARR: Better, than, you!


RYAN: …Harsh!


DOCTOR CARR: What’s your name, son?


RYAN: Ryan-




STUDENT: Milo, Doctor.


DOCTOR CARR: Favorite student.


RYAN: Oh my God.


DOCTOR CARR: Now, like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I do not curve, I do not drop the lowest grade, I do not even count the highest grade. That’s too easy to hang onto. You don’t bring your bazooka to the bar fight. This is college!


(Ryan puts his head on his keyboard. Cut to Ryan in his dorm room, lying on his bed while Faith is on his computer. Faith turns to him, he is wearing African clothing)


FAITH: Ryan, what’s your opinion on black girls wearing weaves?


RYAN: …I don’t even…


FAITH: Pardon?


(Ryan sits up)


RYAN: I don’t…I have no opinion. Nor do I want to form one.


FAITH: I don’t like it. I think black girls should be proud of their authentic African hair.


RYAN: …I’m just gonna stop thinking about this before I bother forming an opinion about it.


FAITH: Why are you so pissy?


RYAN: Because my car is in the shop, and I’ve had to use my bike to get around campus, my Professors have been mostly assholes so far, they’ve assigned a lot of work, and our RA is useless.


FAITH: Yeah, the toilet has not worked recently, I’ve had to go downstairs.


RYAN: Yeah, it’s frustrating as hell, but you approach Nick about it, and he just half-heartedly promises to look into it before going off to, I don’t know, half-heartedly promise things to other people.


FAITH: Well, talk to the other RA.


RYAN: That’s even less effective, she tells me it’s not her problem.


FAITH: Talk to the college. (Ryan stares at Faith) Yeah, you’re right. They’re a college.


RYAN: Uh-huh. My options seem to be- (Ryan puts his feet on the floor of the dorm) wait a fucking second. (Ryan looks down to see there is water on the floor, seeping from the walls) Fucking hell.


FAITH: Oh wow. We’re flooded.


(Faith stands on his chair)


RYAN: You should get down off that thing, it’s dangerous!


FAITH: Is that a fat joke?!


RYAN: No, it’s a fat statement, get on your bed!


(Faith jumps on his bed)


FAITH: What are we going to do? Should we throw my toaster in there? I heard electricity cancels out water!


RYAN: Where did you hear that from!?


FAITH: Nigerian School.


RYAN: Make sense. I’m talking to Nick, this is the final straw.


(Ryan quickly runs across the water and into the hallway. Cut to Ryan knocking on Nick’s door. Deidra comes out of the dorm room right behind Ryan)


DEIDRA: Looking for Nick?


(Ryan turns to Deidra)


RYAN: Yeah, is he not in there?


DEIDRA: No, he’s in his car outside smoking, so now is actually the perfect time to catch him.


RYAN: Thank God! (Ryan runs downstairs. Cut to Nick in his car, smoking a cigarette with the windows down. Ryan walks over to his car) Hey, Nick!


NICK: Dude, you should wait until I’m done.


RYAN: Nick, it can’t wait, my dorm room is flooded!


NICK: Oh, is it?


RYAN: Yeah, it is!


NICK: Well, that was bound to happen. You picked the worst dorm building.


RYAN: I didn’t pick this! You have to get this shit repaired, Nick! I can’t live in a flooded dorm!


(Nick takes a drag)


NICK: Then don’t.


RYAN: Oh, that’s your solution? Where do you suggest I live?


NICK: You have a car, right?


RYAN: No! My car’s in the shop! I’ve been using a bike to get around campus!


NICK: You have a bike, right?


RYAN: Yeah, I just told you I did.


NICK: As long as you can keep balance, you should be fine.


(Ryan stands up and rubs his eyes)


RYAN: I have never met a person who gives less of a fuck than you.


(Nick throws his cigarette on the ground, gets out and squashes it with his foot)


NICK: Then you’ve never met my father.


RYAN: I don’t want to hear about your family life, Nick.


NICK: Wow. You are way less personable than you make yourself out to be.


(Nick walks away as Ryan gets a phone call. He answers it)


RYAN: Hello?


MECHANIC: Hi, this is Jon from Brown Auto Parts, are you Ryan Donahue, the owner of the 2004 Toyota Corolla?


RYAN: Yes, that’s me. What’s going on?


JON: Yes, we accidentally burned your car to the ground.



JON: Yeah, we burned it down, and then we tried to put out the fire with some, milk we had lying around. So, now your car is milk and ash.


RYAN: You’ve gotta be kidding me!

JON: It’ll be ready tomorrow morning.


RYAN: How did the prognosis not change there?!


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office with his sleeves rolled up and his jacket swinging around on a fan above him. He is on the phone while Ethan is in the corner, also on the phone)


MAYOR SARANDON: Listen Rambo, you’ve gotta keep your bitches in line! If they lose their place, they might not be able to vote for me in time! We have promises from each one of them, right? What’s that? I have the wrong number? We’ve been talking for like five minutes! I know, I know, sometimes I drone on, but, why didn’t you just hang up? (Dial tone) Hello?


ETHAN: You think he makes a dial tone noise with his mouth?


MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, are you there?! Talk to me!!


ETHAN: Hang up!


(Mayor Sarandon hangs up)


MAYOR SARANDON: Son of a bitch hung up on me!


ETHAN: You wanted him to!


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, this is not going well! Who are you on the phone with?


ETHAN: I’m on hold with DirecTV. They’re not explaining why I can’t get the #EverySimpsonsEver channel on my TV.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, hang up!


(Ethan hangs up)


ETHAN: Brian, we’re down in the polls. We’re behind Emily Peyton, Scott Milne and we’re only a few points above Dan Feliciano, and his last name sounds like fellatio! We have one day to go!


MAYOR SARANDON: One day to turn this around. Maybe we should start an ad saying that Dan Feliciano “sucks”. You think people will catch on?


ETHAN: No, but I have an idea, check this out.


(Ethan takes out his phone and shows Mayor Sarandon a video of Steve Berry, an older, mustached Republican candidate for Vermont Governor standing in front of a barn)


(Cut to Ryan in his speech class, which is a High School-sized college class, with wooden, disconnected desks. A middle-aged female professor is instructing)


STEVE BERRY: Hi, everybody, I’m Steve Barry, Republican candidate for Vermont Governor. And this is Jackass.


OFF-SCREEN VOICE: No, Steve, it’s the Ice Bucket Challenge.


STEVE BERRY: I thought kids were into jackass- (Cut) I’m Steven Berry and this is the ice puck challenge. (Someone throws an ice puck at Steve’s face, and he starts bleeding from his mouth) Don’t even hurt-AHHHHh!!




(Cut to Steve with a bandage on his face)


STEVE: Just do the ice bucket thing. (A bucket of ice water falls over Steve) OH MY GOD! THAT HURTS I’M OLD! I BROKE A BONE! (He falls to his knees) I nominate MAYOR BRIAN SARANDON to do the ice bucket challenge!


(Ethan puts his phone away)


ETHAN: If you do the Ice Bucket Challenge, that will put you on the map as being someone who can handle anything!

MAYOR SARANDON: But if I do the ice bucket challenge, that means I’m not donating to ALS relief.


ETHAN: Yes, but you’re raising awareness! And you’re doing something that only certain politicians have done, including your arch-enemy Senator Cory Booker.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, that guy.


ETHAN: Yeah. And he did it wearing only a speedo and he rubbed his nipples like this- (Ethan starts rubbing his nipples) ooh, I’m so wet! I’m soaking! I bet Brian Sarandon couldn’t do this!


MAYOR SARANDON: How hard did his nipples become?


ETHAN: Hard as the hate-boner you have for him right now.


(Mayor Sarandon leans back in his chair)


MAYOR SARANDON: …I’ll do this ice bucket challenge. Lou Gehrig’s disease is too important to not hurt myself for.


ETHAN: There we go!


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon standing in his drive-way wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Ethan is manning the camera)


MAYOR SARANDON: Hello, fellow Vermonters! For the past several months you’ve been reading about the bad poll numbers I have got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. I have been in politics for twenty-two years and have never received anything but kindness, encouragement and bullets from my constituents.


ETHAN: Brian, we should hurry this along.


MAYOR SARANDON; Alright, fine. Evan, you ready?


(Pan up to reveal Evan is holding the ice bucket on Sarandon’s balcony)


EVAN: Yep.


(Pan down)


MAYOR SARANDON: GO! (Evan pours an ice bucket all over Mayor Sarandon) OHhH MY GOD! That’s cold! (Mayor Sarandon shakes himself off) Man, that is-woo! I, uh, wow! I’m dying over here. Could someone throw me a towel? (Someone throws a hockey puck at him, but he ducks to avoid it) WHAT THE FUCK?!


(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury reporting the news)


PATRICK: Welcome to the News. I’m Patrick White.


FIONA: And I’m Fiona Cadbury, and here are tonight’s top stories.


PATRICK: #TopStories.


(Fiona looks at Patrick)


FIONA: This isn’t trending anywhere, jackass. (Fiona looks at the camera) After the shooting of death of unarmed black man Michael Brown in Ferguson two weeks ago and the subsequent protests and riots, the FBI has ordered a federal autopsy to be performed on Mr. Brown’s cadaver.


PATRICK: Oh okay, so they want to make sure he’s not armed?


(Fiona looks at Patrick again)


FIONA: I honestly think the only reason you still work here is because this station makes money off of YouTube hits.


(Patrick turns toward the camera)


PATRICK: In other news, Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted for alleged intimidation and coercion of a public official. Back in 2013, the head of an Corruption-cleansing Task Force was arrested for having an open bottle of vodka in her car.


FIONA: As a result, Governor Perry called for her resignation and threatened to veto a bill funding the task force if she did not step aside. She refused to step aside, and Governor Perry vetoed the bill.


PATRICK: You see, Governor Perry has a moral objection against supporting drunk drivers for public office. Unless that office happens to be President. Twice.


FIONA: Many on the right and some on the left are calling the charges against Perry ridiculous, claiming that Perry was simply using his constitutionally guaranteed veto power. Many are calling this a witch hunt for someone who isn’t even a witch and is more of a grown man wearing a traffic cone on his head.


PATRICK: In horrible, horrible, horrible news, American journalist James Foley was beheaded on video by the Iraqi terror group ISIS last week, and the nation is still reeling from it. We’re not going to show the entire video, only the good bits.


FIONA: We shouldn’t show it at all-stop the footage!


(Cut to footage of Patrick standing underneath a tree)


PATRICK: it’s time for the ice bucket challenge!! (Water is poured all over Patrick) Brrr!!


(Cut back to Fiona and Patrick)


FIONA: …Luckily, that was not the James Foley beheading footage.


PATRICK: Yeah, luckily. We had the wrong footage in there.


FIONA: However, I was there at that ice bucket challenge and I can tell you, that water was hot.


PATRICK: She’s lying! Anyway, an earthquake registering at 6.0 rocked California on Sunday morning, causing a billion dollars in damages and 200 injuries. This is the strongest quake to hit California since 1989, when 63 people were killed. Apparently God has not given up on destroying California, after all these years.


FIONA: In other news, Mayor Brian Sarandon took on the Ice Bucket Challenge testerday to raise awareness for Lou Gehrig’s disease, however, he is widely projected to lose in the Vermont Republican Primary race tonight.


PATRICK: This brings us to our coverage OF Vermont’s Choice 2014… (A big graphic with grand music comes up, showing a flashy logo reading “Vermont’s Choice 2014…Doing This Every Two Years is Kind Of Ridiculous, Right?”) doing this every two years is kind of ridiculous, right?


FIONA: That’s the name of the segment?


PATRICK: Yeah, because having a gubernatorial election every two years is kind of ridiculous-


FIONA: Right.


PATRICK: I’m glad we’re on the same page. The polls have opened, and preliminary results are flooding in.


(Cut to Ethan, Evan, Valerie and Mayor Sarandon watching TV in Mayor Sarandon’s house)


MAYOR SARANDON: This ice bucket challenge thing better put me over the top.


ETHAN: I would temper your expectations, we only did it yesterday.


MAYOR SARANDON: It’s our last hope.


PATRICK: We cannot tell you very much right now, although we can tell you the Mayor of our city, Brian Sarandon, is in third place so far.


MAYOR SARANDON: These are just preliminary results, relax.


VALERIE: I believe in you.


(Valerie puts her hands on Sarandon’s shoulder and Brian holds her arms)


ETHAN: (Quietly, to himself) …Why…


EVAN: What?


ETHAN: What do you mean?


EVAN: Huh?




PATRICK: Mayor Sarandon lost. Badly.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his public speaking class. A middle-aged female teacher is speaking to the class)


PROFESSOR: Good morning class, welcome to Public Speaking, I am Professor Lepicier. And who, are you? (All the students look around, confused) It’s a pronoun for a person.


RYAN: Yeah, we got that, who are you asking?


PROFESSOR: Exactly. Next class we will answer that question with an introduction speech to be recited by each of you. However, you will not be writing these speeches word for word, you will more or less be going off of a rough outline which you will refer to periodically. And that will be the case for all the speech assignments you see outlined in your syllabus, throughout the year. (Ryan raises his hand) Yes sir?


RYAN: So, we HAVE to do it off of an outline, we can’t write it down?


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: That’s correct. Because if you’re up there, just looking down and reading, it’ll get real boring, real fast.


RYAN: What if you’re good at giving speeches? And maintaining eye contact, and being engaging?


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: Well, if you’re good at being boring, be my guest!


RYAN: Are you-


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: Nobody wants to watch you read. Alright?


RYAN: What about the Gettysburg Address? Do you think that was just an improv jam?


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: Let me show you all something. (Professor Lepicier pulls up something on her computer, which she then projects onto the board. It is a picture of a piece of parchment that shows scribblings reading “Four score and how long ago? Check on that” and “something about men being equal” and “Mary Todd needs milk and a coffin for Robert (just in case)”) That was all Lincoln had going into the Gettysburg address, folks.


RYAN: There’s no way.


STUDENT: Hey man, she’s the professor!

PROFESSOR LEPICIER: And you are the student. Let me teach you the right way to do it.


RYAN: But, there’s not a right and a wrong way-


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: You’re RIGHT! He’s right, everyone. There’s MY way, and then…there’s your way.


RYAN: …Uh-


PROFESSOR LEPICIER: Learned ya somethin’ there.


(Cut to Kimberly in front of her TV. The TV screen is blue, and she is trying to mess with the remote to fix it)


KIMBERLY: …Come on…goddamnit, work! Just work! DO what you’re supposed to do! Son of a bitch! (Kimberly throws the remote down and picks up a remote and starts dialing buttons on it. She puts the remote to her ear) Come on, answer… (She looks at the remote) FUCK! It’s a remote again! Remotes are ruining my life!


(Kimberly throws the remote to the side and picks up her phone and dials a number, and then waits. Cut to Ryan walking around campus. He hears his phone ring, and picks up a remote and puts it to his ear)


RYAN: Hello? (The phone still rings, and he realizes it’s a remote) Fuck. Well, I hope one of my friends is calling, that’d be nice. (Ryan throws the remote away and picks up the phone to see the caller ID showing a picture of Kimberly with the words “How About Mom?” under it) Ugh.


(Ryan puts his phone back in his pocket. Cut to Kimberly on the phone at her house. Ryan’s phone goes to voicemail)




(Kimberly hangs up and dials another number. Cut to Madeline in a shopping mall with Oliver. Oliver is showing Madeline hemp lingerie. Madeline’s phone rings and Madeline picks it up)




KIMBERLY: Madeline! Do you know what happened to my TV?!


(Oliver holds up the hemp lingerie some more. Madeline mouths “no”)


MADELINE: Mom, how could I know what happened to your TV?


(Oliver puts the hemp lingerie back)


KIMBERLY: Somebody messed with my TV and now it won’t work! Inputs, HDMIs, the whole kit and ka-boodle has been screwed up the ka-boodle. What did you do, and who did it?!


MADELINE: Those two questions are conflicting, listen mom- (Oliver holds up a necklace with a large squash on the end of it. Madeline shakes her head at Oliver, who then puts it back) I live in Oregon! Okay?! I don’t know what happened to your TV, I don’t know how to fix it, how does this pertain to me?!


KIMBERLY: Did Ryan tell you any captivating stories about how he wanted to hurt his mother, so he messed with her TV? Or maybe even Jacob?


MADELINE: Mom, why don’t you ask Ryan about that- (Oliver holds up a bear-skin dress) is that a bear skin dress?!



OLIVER: It was a free-range bear!


MADELINE: I don’t want it! (To Kimberly) Sorry mom, I have to go!


KIMBERLY: Madeline Donahue, I want answers-


(Madeline hangs up. Cut to Kimberly on the phone at home)




(Kimberly turns around to see Luke)


LUKE: What are you so flustered about, love?


KIMBERLY: God, sorry, I’m glad you’re back, Ryan and his friends must’ve messed with my TV so now it doesn’t get to the mode I want it to be in.


LUKE: I’ll take a look at it.


(Luke goes over and grabs the remote and starts pressing buttons)


KIMBERLY: I don’t know how Ryan is going to survive on his own if he can’t even manage to not screw up a perfectly good TV!


LUKE: What did he do?


KIMBERLY: I don’t know but he won’t answer me, and every time he does, it never sounds like he’s studying diligently or anything, I don’t know if he’s ready for college, Luke.


(Luke puts down the remote and stands up)


LUKE: You’re right he doesn’t have enough game with the lassies.


KIMBERLY: I hope he’s not screwing dogs.


LUKE: Lassies, meaning women.


KIMBERLY: Wow, foreign slang is sexist.


LUKE: All slang is sexist.


KIMBERLY: But no, I mean he’s not ready, academically speaking, for college.


LUKE: And thus begins the classic tale of the empty nester.


KIMBERLY: The what?


LUKE: You have empty-nest syndrome, you’re grabbing at anything to get your last child to come back, or get a replacement for your last child.


KIMBERLY: I am not!


LUKE: Then why were you feeding pigeons the other day?


KIMBERLY: I like feeding pigeons!


LUKE: Why did you break a pigeon’s leg, and then take it in to care for it?


KIMBERLY: It broke its own leg by flying into a trap I had set up!


LUKE: Point is, it’s dead now.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, it sucks, but it’s not like I’m acting like I lost a child!


LUKE: You’re wearing a black arm band!

(Pan out to see Kimberly is wearing a black arm band)


KIMBERLY: Birds are beautiful creatures!

LUKE: What about this, Kimmy, who put the labels on Ryan’s binders?




LUKE: Who audited a class dressed a TA yesterday?


KIMBERLY: He didn’t even notice.


LUKE: That doesn’t matter! You have to let him be his own man! He’s in college now, let him have his fun without momma stalking his every move.


KIMBERLY: How could he not recognize his own mother?


LUKE: So now you’re mad at him for not noticing you were there?


KIMBERLY: Luke, look at what he did, or didn’t do, rather, in high school! If he’s gonna be successful in college he’s going to need the guidance and nurturing in college that he didn’t get in high school. I mean-fuck.


LUKE: Yeah. Fuck is right.


KIMBERLY: Listen, I know what’s best for Ryan! You don’t know him as well as I do! And I know him well. Sometimes through spying.


LUKE: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: Somebody messed with my TV! Who’s going to nurture and guide me through this?


(Luke walks behind the TV, unplugs a few things, plugs a few things in and then walks out from behind the TV as images appear on it of Patrick White reporting the news)


PATRICK: Unarmed black male. And that was-


(Kimberly turns off her TV)


KIMBERLY: Thank God it’s now fixed!


LUKE: What? American racism?


KIMBERLY: No, the TV. Now if you’ll excuse me. I have somewhere to be.


LUKE: Where is that?


KIMBERLY: Ethan is bringing Ryan a spare microwave he had lying around, and I’m going to oversee the move.


(Kimberly clears her throat)


LUKE: Doesn’t sound like your presence there is vital.


KIMBERLY: it’s vital. It’s Dick Vitale. So I’m gonna go.


(Kimberly begins to turn around)


LUKE: Am I not going to get a kiss?


(Kimberly turns back to Luke and kisses him on the forehead)


KIMBERLY: We’ll work our way down as my mood progresses.


LUKE: How far down?




(Kimberly begins to head toward the door. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting mournfully in front of his TV with Ethan, Evan and Valerie sitting near him)


PATRICK WHITE: (In background) Yes, we are projecting that Scott Milne has won, defeating Steve Berry, Emily Peyton and Brian Sarandon with a whopping 84% of the vote.


MAYOR SARANDON: Can someone get me a whiskey challenge?


EVAN: We ran a good campaign, Brian.


(Evan puts his hand on Brian’s shoulder)


ETHAN: Yes, WE did.


(Ethan puts his hand on Brian’s other shoulder)


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God. (Mayor Sarandon stands up and shakes their hands off of him) Where is my whiskey challenge?!


VALERIE: I’ll get it, honey.


(Valerie goes to his kitchen)


EVAN: Sir, this is just a gateway to 2016.


MAYOR SARANDON: The Presidency?!


EVAN: No, of course not!


MAYOR SARANDON: Then what, running for Governor again?


EVAN: Well, I mean, one step at a time, maybe a comptroller position or something.


ETHAN: You’re on drugs, I’m sure he could win at least the nomination in 2016. I mean, Mr. Milne certainly won’t win.


EVAN: Yeah, because he’s a Republican. (Mayor Sarandon glares at Evan) And, and he’s not you!


(Valerie brings over a glass of whiskey)


VALERIE: You guys are such kiss-asses. (To Brian) Do you want this Whiskey challenge over your head, or-?


MAYOR SARANDON: Give me that. (Valerie gives him the whiskey) Thanks, babe. Now listen you two, I’m gonna go out there and give my concession speech, and then I’m going to come in here, and you two are going to make your best cases as to why I shouldn’t fire you!

EVAN: Fire us?! Ethan doesn’t even work for the Mayor’s office!



EVAN: And I didn’t do anything to be fired!


MAYOR SARANDON: Both of you have stabbed me in the back before! So I need a damn good reason to hire Ethan, and keep you on the payroll!


ETHAN: I have numerous references.




(Mayor Sarandon kisses Valerie and then heads outside)


VALERIE: …If I were him, you two would’ve been homeless long ago.


ETHAN: …If you were him, you would’ve killed your own husband.


VALERIE: And then I would’ve fucked me. And it would’ve been wonderful.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon giving his concession speech in front of his house, behind a podium. He looks out onto his darkened cobblestone driveway to see no one is there)




(Cut to Mayor Sarandon walking back into his house to see Ethan and Evan arm wrestling on his coffee table while Valerie tries to break it up)




ETHAN: Why are you freaking out, we’re arm wrestling!!





(Ethan and Evan stand up)


ETHAN: Sir, remarkably short speech, love the succinctness of how you delivered it, very memorable!

MAYOR SARANDON: There was no speech, dumbass. No reporter cared enough to show up. They all went to the Scott Milne coke and booze party. We really should’ve used the cocaine and DUI thing against him more.


EVAN: He disclosed it himself, it took all the punch out of it.


MAYOR SARANDON: Then we should’ve put the punch back INTO it, by punching him.


ETHAN: I like it.


EVAN: He’s just being a yes man.


MAYOR SARANDON: Listen! I’m going to look for an honest second opinion. And you what kind of people are more honest than any kind of people?


VALERIE: What kind of people?


MAYOR SARANDON: People who are on their death beds.


ETHAN: Morbid. But true.


MAYOR SARANDON: I want you two to visit my grandmother, she’s pushing 100, and soon she’ll be pushing up daisies.


EVAN: Wait, why?


MAYOR SARANDON: Because she’s on her death bed, and she’ll give me a very honest appraisal of who she liked better. Because I expect her to give me a full report after the visit.


ETHAN: But what if she’s dead by that time?


MAYOR SARANDON: Then I’ll ask the nurse. Oh, and here’s the catch.


EVAN: This seems like it’s already nothing but catch.


MAYOR SARANDON: One of you has to pretend you are me. And another one of you has to pretend you are my younger brother Bruno.


ETHAN: You have a brother?


EVAN: And his name is Bruno?!


MAYOR SARANDON: He’s a mechanic from Maryland, he’s a nobody, now get over there!

ETHAN: Why are we pretending to be you and your brother?


MAYOR SARANDON: Because…I’ve lost too many people in my time. My father. My wife. I can’t handle looking into Gandma’s eyes and saying “goodbyes”.


(Valerie puts her arm around Mayor Sarandon’s shoulder)


ETHAN: I know you’ve suffered loss, but, do you really call her “Gandma”?


MAYOR SARANDON: She’s my Ganny…and she’s far gone enough that she’ll believe you two as long as you say you’re me and my brother.


EVAN: And then she’ll be honest when she tells you who she liked better?


ETHAN: I call Bruno Sarandon!


MAYOR SARANDON: Trust me, I’ve always been the favorite.


ETHAN: Still betting safe on Bruno.


EVAN: Damn you.


(Cut to Ryan and Faith in their dorm room, on their beds, as water remains on their floors. Ryan and Faith are both on their laptops)


FAITH: My laptop just died.


RYAN: Don’t plug it in, or we’re really screwed.


(Faith puts his laptop to the side)


FAITH: Damn. What to do now? (Ryan shrugs. Faith takes a nearby rock, and skips it across the water, and it flies into the wall near Ryan, who flinches) Sorry!


RYAN: Fuck. Did you just skip a rock across the puddle?


FAITH: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?


RYAN: Pretty egregious! We deserve better than this! I know what’ll get Nick’s attention!


(Ryan gets up and walks out of the room, splashing along)


FAITH: Where are you going?


(Ryan goes into the hallway and nears the fire alarm. He looks around, then pulls it, and walks back into his dorm room as the alarm goes off. Cut to everyone evacuating the dorm building. Ryan, Faith, Ted and others are funneling out of the building)


TED: So, who burned popcorn?


RYAN: Who dropped the microwave into a pool of standing water?


TED: Oh, so you’re in that part of the building?


RYAN: The marsh part? Yeah, I am.


(They go to stand at the far end of the parking lot. Nick walks over to them)


NICK: Do you guys have any idea what might’ve caused this?!


RYAN: I think it had something to do with the flood in my dorm room, Nick! I don’t know!


NICK: Water doesn’t cause fire alarms, Ryan! And less there was an oil slick on the water, was there?


TED: Has that happened before?!


NICK: Once. Just once.


RYAN: No, Nick, water is also a conductor of electricity, it could’ve caused any machinery to shorten, and then fume. Get it taken care of!


NICK: …I suppose we could find it in the budget to get that looked at.


RYAN: Implying you’re in charge of the budget.


NICK: No, I just have to…walk to the University Center. And it’s far.


FAITH: Don’t you have a car?


NICK: It’s in the shop, I didn’t maintain it very well.


RYAN: Well, that’s a surprise.


NICK: Unfortunately, it’s milk and ash now.


RYAN: Goddamn, you too?


(Michelle walks over)


MICHELLE: What’s going on here?


RYAN: Michelle!


(Ryan and Michelle hug and kiss)


RYAN: How’re you feeling?




NICK: Who’s this?


(Ryan turns to Nick)


RYAN: This is my girlfriend Michelle. She’ll be going here, starting in January.


NICK: Oh, cool. Hi, I’m Nick, Ryan’s RA.


(Nick shakes Michelle’s hand)


MICHELLE: Nice to meet you. Why are you guys out here?


NICK: Summer team-building activity, we have a slip and slide coming if you’d like-


RYAN: Fire alarm.


MICHELLE Oh, okay.


NICK: But, you can still use a slip and slide, I will personally see to it.


RYAN: She’s fine.


MICHELLE: Don’t speak for me, but yes, I’m fine.


(Deidra comes over)


DEIDRA: Hey, we’re cleared to go in.


NICK: But it’s such a beautiful day out here- (Everybody starts walking towards the dorm) fine! Don’t even listen! I’M A PEOPLE PERSON!!


(Cut to Ryan practicing his introductory speech in front of Michelle and Faith in his dorm room. Ryan is reading off of a piece of paper)


RYAN: Hark! What have you seen before you? Is it the tangled ivy of an emo castle, resting on a translucent European shore on an overcast day? “Donahue” is etched into the side in a campy, edgy, dark way that makes you think perhaps this castle is less tortured than what it puts on display-


MICHELLE: isn’t this supposed to be off-the-cuff?


RYAN: FUCK! (Ryan throws down the paper) How am I going to make that sound off-the-cuff?


FAITH: I don’t think you go with that. Personally.


MICHELLE: That sounds overblown. And this is supposed to be short.


RYAN: Then what do I do? “Hey everybody, I’m Ryan, I’m a freshman, I’m nineteen and my major is broadcast communication, I’m completely boring, add me on XBOX Live, my account name is RyanDonahue1995 because that’s when I was born”, NO! I need something better than that!

MICHELLE: Be natural about it. Especially since that speech you just gave me seems really self-aggrandizing.


FAITH: Yeah, you’re a castle?


RYAN: A dark fortress of sorts. Where I keep all my skeletons in a series of closets.


MICHELLE: Yeah, I think that would alienate people.


RYAN: Well, that’s what I do best.


(Ryan sits down)


FAITH: What is your XBOX Live name?


RYAN: RyanDonahue1995, but that’s only because RyanTriesToBleedAndNothingComesOut was already taken.


MICHELLE: Let’s try getting the basics down about you. Because anybody can tell on first glance, you’re not a basic kid. Let’s do it interview-style.


RYAN: Alright, thanks for having me. Should Faith do the lighting, or…get me water or something?


FAITH: Why can’t I be the executive producer?


RYAN: You can be live in Central Africa covering the Ebola outbreak.


FAITH: That’s fine, I’d rather live there anyway.


MICHELLE: So, Ryan, tell me about yourself.


RYAN: Well, I’m Ryan, I’m nineteen years old, my major here at UVM is broadcast communications, and I want to be a musician someday, wait, I’m already a musician-


MICHELLE: Then tell them that!

RYAN: Okay, so I’m a musician, I have two albums out, I can sing a song from one of them if you’d like.


MICHELLE: Doesn’t make sense without instruments, right? Plus I wouldn’t assume your audience is in that scene.


RYAN: Fine, fine, I’ll leave out the part about me being a musician-


MICHELLE: No, you can still say that!

RYAN: No, because then they’ll be curious and want to hear it and it’ll be awkward! What if they don’t like it!

MICHELLE: Ryan, when’s the last time someone told you about their band and you were like “man, I really want to hear this!”


RYAN: Good point, I’ll mention it. Next.


MICHELLE: Alright. Friends? Family?


RYAN: Pass.


MICHELLE: Seriously? Want to talk about your girlfriend?


RYAN: She’s great.


MICHELLE: …Faith, how are things in Liberia?


FAITH: (Thick African accent) Always bright and sunny here in Liberia! Back to you, Michelle!

MICHELLE: Thanks, Faith. Keep us updated. Ryan, what about your girlfriend? Tell us MORE.


RYAN: She’s cute, she’s smart, she needs to press charges against her parents and she’s very artistic.


MICHELLE: See, that’s what I wanted to hear. Let’s take a small break though.


(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly walking towards the dorm building on some other day. Ethan is carrying a microwave)


ETHAN: Haven’t seen you since the divorce.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, like two weeks ago.


ETHAN: Feels like I’ve died four times since then.


KIMBERLY: Does that mean I get half your money in the will times four?


ETHAN: You don’t get shit.


(Ryan opens up the front door of the dorm)


RYAN: Hello, happy family! Come in.


(Ethan and Kimberly come in and Ethan sets the microwave down on the ground)


ETHAN: Ugh, my back. Need to rest for a second.


(Nick comes over)


NICK: You can’t have microwaves on the floor, sir!


ETHAN: Excuse me?


RYAN: He’s just putting it down for a second.


NICK: Oh, okay. Sorry about that.


ETHAN: That’s fine. Are you Ryan’s RA?


NICK: Yeah. Nick.


(Nick and Ethan shake hands)


ETHAN: Nice to meet you. Do you want to help us bring this up?


NICK: Uh…no. But thanks for offering.


RYAN: My dad wasn’t offering you a favor- (Nick walks away) he’s walking away…


ETHAN: Come on, help your old man.


(Ryan grabs the other side of the fridge and the two start hauling it upstairs. Cut to Faith in the dorm room, on his computer, wearing headphones. There is no more water on the floor. Faith hears a large bang against the door, as if somebody ran into it, so he quickly takes off his headphones and turns around)


RYAN: (Offscreen, muffled) It is not that heavy!


ETHAN: (Offscreen, muffled) Let’s batter her in!


(Faith stands up and opens the door to see Ryan and Ethan holding the microwave while Kimberly stands behind them, looking annoyed)


RYAN: Thanks, Faith.


(They move the microwave in)


ETHAN: Where do you want me to put it?


RYAN: On top of the fridge!


ETHAN: Seriously?!


RYAN: There’s no other room!


ETHAN: Do you want me to put a Geiger counter in the fridge too?!


RYAN: Just put it there! (Ethan and Ryan put the microwave there) Perfect. (Ryan puts a Keurig on top of the microwave) Even better.


ETHAN: Alright then.


RYAN: When are we getting a full sized fridge in here?


ETHAN: We’re not.


RYAN: Then where’s the foosball table going to go? It might stick us in the middle of the night, but it would attract cool dudes to my room.


FAITH: I’m Faith, by the way.


ETHAN: Of course, sorry, yes, I am Ethan, Ryan’s father.


(Ethan shakes Faith’s hand)


FAITH: Nice to meet you.


KIMBERLY: Kimberly.


(Kimberly and Faith shake each other’s hands)


FAITH: Pleasure.


ETHAN: How’s college life been for you boys? Crazy?


RYAN: Eh. Not really. My High School years were crazier.


(Cut to June 13, 2013. Ryan is driving his car really quickly as the police chase him. He is clearly high)


POLICE OFFICER: (Over megaphone) Pull over sir! It’s the Burlington PD!


(Ryan pulls out a PA talkie thing which he uses to speak through a megaphone attached to the top of his car)


RYAN: (Slurred speech) How many stars do I have, San Andreas PD?!!


POLICE OFFICER: Why do you have a megaphone?!?!


(Cut back to present day)


RYAN: Yeah, nowhere near as crazy.


ETHAN: Well, that’s a good thing. But as I was driving up here, I passed a frat house that I actually had a party at back in the day.




RYAN: No way?


ETHAN: Yeah. I partied there in the summer of ’84. I attended Waterbury, but a friend of mine, George LaRue, had a frat here, so he invited me. And that party was nuts. I’m pretty sure I have a legacy around here.


RYAN: What, so now I have to uphold it?


ETHAN: Yeah, I think you do.


(Ryan laughs)


KIMBERLY: Don’t dare him, Ethan.


ETHAN: Just don’t act like a dork or anything around me, that’s all I ask.


RYAN: You say his name was George LaRue?


ETHAN: Yeah.


RYAN: I’ve seen him around!

ETHAN: Really?!


RYAN: Yeah, he still hangs out here. Still has his toga on and everything. What did he say to me the other day?


(Cut to Ryan walking towards his dorm. Some curly-haired middle aged man comes over wearing a toga)


GEORGE: Hey Ryan my man! Wanna go and get faded at Klappa Klappa Herpe House?!


RYAN: Nah, man, I gotta hit the books.


(George throws his hands and turns away in disappointment)


GEORGE: Aoughhh!!


(Cut back to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly and Faith in Ryan’s dorm room. They are laughing)


ETHAN: I knew he’d never grow up.


KIMBERLY: Well. Luckily, neither do you, Ryan.


RYAN: Pardon?


(Kimberly takes out a binder)


KIMBERLY: I printed all the sylabbi you need, all the e-mails from UVM that you haven’t been checking, and- (She opens the binder to reveal a to-do list) even put a to-do list for you to check every day to see if I’ve snuck into your dorm room and updated it.


RYAN: Mom.


(Kimberly puts it on Ryan’s desk)


KIMBERLY: You’re welcome.


RYAN: This is, literally too much.


KIMBERLY: Ryan, it’s not gonna get down if I don’t do it for you.


ETHAN: What do you think that teaches him?


KIMBERLY: He wouldn’t have even gotten enrolled in time if it weren’t for me, trust me, Ryan, I’m your agent-


RYAN: Then you’re fired!


KIMBERLY: You can’t fire me! I’m taking- (Kimberly takes the binder) this back!

RYAN: Go ahead!

KIMBERLY: No, you need this.


(Kimberly puts it on Ryan’s desk. Faith sits back down at his computer)


ETHAN: Kimberly, you are going to drive him crazy, he needs to learn to be his own person and not have some helicopter parent do everything for him.


KIMBERLY: I’m only doing the beginning stuff! It’s up to him to see this college thing through! That being said, I do always have my hand on the “revoke tuition” button which I have had symbolically installed in my office, and car, for when I’m on the go. SO IF YOU FUCK UP-


RYAN: Mom! Enough! I think it’s time for you to ske-daddle!


KIMBERLY: I pay for this dorm.


RYAN: Stay if you like! But I’m about to have an Afro-pop dance party with Faith! Faith, give me that beat!


(Faith takes his headphones off)


FAITH: The weather in Liberia is tip-top! Gotta go!

(Faith runs out of the room, leaving Ethan, Ryan and Kimberly confused)


ETHAN: …Strange kid.


RYAN: It’s a long story.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his speech class on Friday. Mrs. Lepicier is speaking)


MRS. LEPICIER: Alright, it’s speech day, everyone. We’re going in alphabetical order. So naturally we’ll start with the As.


RYAN: (Whispering to himself) Okay, okay, you can do this.


MRS. LEPICIER: Apparently, there’s no one with an A last name in here. Interesting. No Bs either. No Cs. I guess we’ll start with you, Ryan.


(Ryan just stares in disbelief. Cut to black)





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