The Donahues Episode 187

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan has trouble with school work, dorm politics and the social scene, Mayor Sarandon and Valerie celebrate his 53rd Birthday and Madeline's new job is more difficult thank she thought it would be

Submitted: September 15, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 15, 2014









“There’s a 187! Break yourself, Bubs! I knew I shouldn’t have flashed my lights at that hooptie full of gangsters”

  • Coach Z


(We start with Ryan sitting in his dorm, on his laptop. Faith is also on his laptop on the other side. Ryan stands up and goes down to his mini-fridge to grab a cold soda from it. He stands up and thinks for a second)


RYAN: Hey.


FAITH: What?


RYAN: Didn’t they say they were going to fumigate the dorms on Wednesday?


FAITH: …I think so…


RYAN: What time did they say?


FAITH: I don’t know.


RYAN: We should go, (Ryan stumbles a bit and grows sleepy-looking) we should go check about thaaaa-


(Ryan passes out on the floor. Cut to Faith, who is already slumped over, passed out. Cut to a POV shot of Ryan waking up in the middle of his dorm hallway, seeing Faith throwing herbal remedies all over him)


RYAN: Wha, what is…


FAITH: Awake, Ryan! Awake! In the name of God, resurrect this child!

(Cut to a regular shot. Nick the RA comes over)


NICK: What is going on?


FAITH: You fumigated our dorms without telling us, that’s what’s going on!


NICK: It said on the flyers, Wednesday at four.


FAITH: And you don’t give us an extra reminder, or hell, an evacuation?


NICK: You’re in college now. We don’t always “remind” you of things like tests, or fumigations or fires, especially since we removed the fire alarm batteries after the sixth “burnt popcorn” evacuation.


FAITH: That’s not safe!


NICK: So, is he alive?


(Ryan sits up)


RYAN: (Groggy) Yeah, I’m alive, dickhead.


FAITH: Oh, I did it! I resurrected him!


RYAN: And Nick poisoned us!

NICK: Butt hurt.


RYAN: No! Brain hurt! As in I passed out from fumes! This dorm is shit!

NICK: THE shit you mean.


(Faith helps Ryan up)


RYAN: You know, I keep waking up with spider bites.


NICK: You guys know that if you need anything, my door’s always open. And I have a “thank me” box just waiting to be filled.


(Nick takes out a box labeled “Thank Me”)


RYAN: It’s gonna have to wait longer.


NICK: You know she wants it.


FAITH: Are the dorms safe to go back into?

NICK: Yeah, the fumigation is over. You may return to your hovels.


RYAN: You’ll be hearing from our lawyers.


(Ryan and Faith turn back to go to their dorm suites. They walk inside those dorm suits)


FAITH: Do you have a lawyer?


RYAN: Not yet. But I’ll get around to suing him after my midterm. (Ryan and Faith walk into their dorm) What was that stuff you threw all over me?

FAITH: Oh, those were just some herbs I had on me to resurrect people in case it comes to that.


RYAN: Resurrection?


FAITH: Yeah.


RYAN: Has it been three days?


(Faith laughs)


FAITH: No, it’s just, it’s a voodoo thing.


RYAN: Voodoo?

FAITH: Yeah, voodoo. You’ve heard of it?


RYAN: Yes, I’ve heard of it, but do you-


FAITH: It’s kind of a trendy new celebrity religion, like scientology or kabbalah.


RYAN: I don’t see celebrities rockin’ the snake-head stick.


FAITH: That’s because only voodoo priests use that shit! Celebrities don’t have what it takes to be religious leaders, they’re too busy with their sex, they are and always will be trendy religious followers!

RYAN: Voodoo is not a trendy religion, it’s been around since before we were born.


FAITH: So has Scientology.


RYAN: I thought South Park made scientology up.


(Faith thinks for a second)


FAITH: I don’t know, maybe they did. The point is, voodoo is real, and I’ve seen it.


RYAN: Really?!


FAITH: Yes! I saw a saw them put a large straw cone over an inanimate object, and it started moving around under there. It made the cone dance around the circle, and got a little tipsy, and even flirted with some girl that night, and totally got laid. We hung out a few times.


RYAN: Faith.


FAITH: I asked if I could look under his cone, and he called me a “faggot” and ran off into the desert, never to be seen again.


RYAN: Faith, come on. You can’t believe in this stuff, it’s all smoke and mirrors.


FAITH: I saw it! How do you explain something like that?


RYAN: I saw a guy cut my aunt in half once! How do you explain something like that?


FAITH: Was he arrested?


RYAN: No! He put her back together!

FAITH: If you sew her back together-


RYAN: Oh my God-


FAITH: Does it not count as murder? I’m just trying to understand!

RYAN: It was a magic trick, okay? Sleight of hand! Listen, I know, you were very entrenched in your culture, but you shouldn’t be going by blind faith, for lack of a better term.


(Faith laughs)


FAITH: I mean, I don’t know, I’ve just always been, superstitious. Black cats. Blocked paths. Spilling salt. Walking under ladders. Saying “bloody Mary” three times into a mirror and turning the lights off and on will cause her to appear behind you, kill you and stuff you. Stuff like that.


RYAN: Seriously? You know what? I’m going to prove you wrong right here and now!


FAITH: How so? (Ryan walks out of his dorm and opens the door to the bathroom, and is followed by Faith, who is laughing) What are you doing?!


(Ryan turns on the light and looks into the mirror as Faith follows behind)


RYAN: Watch this!

FAITH: Don’t!


RYAN: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.


(Ryan turns off the light and turns it back on, and nothing appears in the mirror, but then the camera pans to a guy who is sitting on the toilet)



(Ryan and Faith scream and then run out of the bathroom, before cracking up in the hallway)


FAITH: Oh my God!


RYAN: Scared the hell out of me!


FAITH: Did you hear that guy object when we came in?!


RYAN: No...


FAITH: …We’re sure he was there the whole time, right?


RYAN: Yes!

(Cut to President Obama on TV addressing the nation from the White House)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: First, we will conduct a systematic campaign of airstrikes against these terrorists. Working with the Iraqi government, we will expand our efforts beyond protecting our own people and humanitarian missions, so that we're hitting ISIL targets as Iraqi forces go on offense. Moreover, I have made it clear that we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are. That means I will not hesitate to take action against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq. This is a core principle of my presidency: if you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon watching this address on his TV in his mansion while holding a glass of brandy)


MAYOR SARANDON: What about the White House? OhhhhH!!


(Valerie comes in and high-fives Mayor Sarandon)


VALERIE: Nice. (Valerie sits down) You think his strategy will work?

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, considering two weeks ago he didn’t have a strategy, I have my doubts that a couple of all-nighters he pulled produced a very good one. Especially since the government has known about ISIS for longer than the NFL knew there was a video of Ray Rice puncha-punching his fiancée out.


VALERIE: Those bastards, it came out today they were sent a copy of that video. It’s a total cover-up.


MAYOR SARANDON: They suspended him, terminated his contract and then said “but maybe he can come back”. And they hoped the best for that relationship. “Hey don’t worry, he’s gonna be a real nice guy for at least a couple more weeks. Stay strong, Maureen!”


VALERIE: Cycle of abuse, there it is. I’m surprised you know that much about it. Ray Rice needs to go to prison. The NFL can’t just stroll into the interrogation room and be like “okay boys, we’ll take it from here”.


MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah. And we can’t have a jury of football fans. What they need to do is fire Roger Goodell, and get someone in there who will fire Ray Rice’s sorry ass indefinitely, not ifs ands or butt pats.


(Cut to Coach Z from (COMING BACK THIS FALL) yelling at Ray Rice in a locker room)


COACH Z: You ain’t gonna have jorb here anymore, Rice!

RAY: Sorry…what?


COACH Z: What are you, deaf? I say there’s not gonna be no jaerb here for you!


RAY: What are you saying, Mr. Z? What are you?


COACH Z: I’m sayin’ you’re fearearearearararararareaarareOOOreeed!


(Ray squints with confusion. Cut to Ray Rice being interviewed by members of the media in an outdoor setting)


RAY: Uh, I’m not sure if I just got fired, or I just got a new show with Guy Fieri.


(Guy Fieri walks over with a plate of hot wings)


GUY FIERI: It’s both, brother! We’re going to cook some SIZZLIN’ and ZAZZLIN’ hot wings together to watch during the game! Together!

RAY: Why can’t I work with Rachael Ray?


GUY: …So many reasons! Oh my God!


(Cut back to Mayor Sarandon and Valerie)


MAYOR SARANDON: Weird, I seemed to day dream for a second there. I’m not sure what about.


(The words “HOMESTAR RUNNER RETURNS THIS FALL!!!! <3 <3 <3” flash on the bottom of the screen for a few moments)

VALERIE: Well, you should get some rest. I heard a certain person’s birthday is tomorrow.


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s right…


(Mayor Sarandon and Valerie kiss)


VALERIE: Fifty-three is an impressive age.


MAYOR SARANDON: Why? Because I lived this long?


VALERIE: Considering you got shot, yeah, this day was in jeopardy for a little while.


MAYOR SARANDON: If I had died, you would’ve made sure no one else with a September 11th birthday would celebrate it, right?


VALERIE: Of course.


(Mayor Sarandon smiles and they start making out. Cut to Mayor Sarandon walking into work with Valerie on the morning of the 11th. Evan and Ethan walk over holding cups of coffee)


ETHAN: Happy Birthday, sir.


EVAN: What are you, forty-three now?


MAYOR SARANDON: Wow, you don’t even know my age.


EVAN: No, I was just, I was makin’ a joke-


ETHAN: Sounds like you just don’t know his age, Evan.


EVAN: Yeah I do! He’s fifty-three!

MAYOR SARANDON: NO I am not! I’m forty-seven.


ETHAN: Way to say he looks old, Evan.


EVAN: Oh my God, I can’t win! We all know he’s in his fifties!


VALERIE: Get back to work, gentlemen.


(Mayor Sarandon kisses Valerie)


MAYOR SARANDON: You heard her.


VALERIE: Happy birthday, sweetie.




(Mayor Sarandon walks into his office, and Valerie walks over to hers)


ETHAN: God, I hate that she’s my boss. Not because she’s a woman or anything-


EVAN: Of course not, it’s just the fact that she thinks she’s better than me.


ETHAN: Right, you’re not a sexist, you just have an inferiority complex.


EVAN: Well why do you hate her?

ETHAN: Because she’s unqualified for her job, she’s only there because Mayor Sarandon is fucking her. She’s like Lana Del Rey.


EVAN: Dude, he’s gotten Lana?


ETHAN: Trust me, it’s no impressive.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Valerie having dinner at some fancy restaurant)


VALERIE: So…are you going to run for Governor in 2016?


MAYOR SARANDON: No, I’m done with that. Clearly, Vermont doesn’t deserve me.


(A waitress walks over)


WAITRESS: What could I get you to drink, sir?

MAYOR SARANDON: You don’t deserve me.




MAYOR SARANDON: Uh, sorry, Miller Lite please.


VALERIE: Me as well.


WAITRESS: Okay, sounds good. My name is Sidney and I’ll be serving you tonight. If you need anything, just let me know.


MAYOR SARANDON: Great. Thanks. (The Waitress nods and walks away) But yeah, I’m not running for Governor in 2016. No way.


VALERIE: Are you running for a fifth term as Mayor?


MAYOR SARANDON: Do you want me to?


VALERIE: …No, I do not.


MAYOR SARANDON: Then I won’t. But you know what that means, right?


VALERIE: Donahue will try and take it?




VALERI: You’ve been grooming him all this time, haven’t you?


MAYOR SARANDON: He’s been working for me. That doesn’t mean I’ve been grooming him. He’s a back-stabbing son of a bitch. But he’s my back-stabbing son of a bitch. And I intend to stab back.


VALERIE: How so?


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know. Maybe by stabbing him?


VALERIE: Too much risk involved there. And we’re not Mr. and Mrs. Underwood.


(Mayor Sarandon turns to the camera)


MAYOR SARANDON: Like a Mississippi beaver making a dam out of tooth picks, it’s gonna break as soon as the first rain of the season breaks through the clouds.


(Pan to the waitress, who is standing in front of Mayor Sarandon while he makes this speech. She is holding Miller Lites)


SIDNEY: …’Kay, I don’t know what that was about, but I have your Miller Lites.


MAYOR SARANDON: Set them down, please.


(Sidney puts them down on the table)


SIDNEY: Have you guys decided on what looks good?


MAYOR SARANDON: …You know what looks good to me?


SIDNEY: Three more beers?


MAYOR SARANDON: A- (He looks at Sidney, then he looks at Valerie) no- (Mayor Sarandon stands up and gets down on knee and takes out a box and opens it to reveal an engagement ring. Valerie gasps and stands up) To spend the rest of my life with you, Valerie Sessions.


(Valerie covers her mouth in shock)


VALERIE: Oh my God!!


MAYOR SARANDON: Will you marry me?


VALERIE: YES! Oh, of course!

(Mayor Sarandon stands up and kisses Valerie, and then hugs her)




VALERIE: I love you too.


(They detach from one another, and with big smiles, they face the waitress)


SIDNEY: …Sooo, have you guys decided, or..?


(Cut to Madeline at her Whole Foods job, stocking shelves with kale chips)


MADELINE: Wow, these are…not Cheetos.


(Another female employee of the store walks over)


EMPLOYEE: And they’re not Kettle Chips either. Those hacks take natural chips and drown them in enough sea salt to choke a dolphin.


MADELINE: Yeah, you guys have really eliminated every vice imaginable from your shelves.


EMPLOYEE: Oh, no we haven’t, we still have guilty pleasures, like the cough drops at the check-out.


MADELINE: Oh, man.


(Madeline puts the last bag of kale chips on the shelf)




(Madeline looks at her pager)


MADELINE: Shit, I forgot to unload the hybrids. You know, Tina, it would be more efficient if you guys used trucks to deliver the goods that you sell, instead of small-ass hybrids!


TINA: What, and destroy the environment?


(Madeline sighs)


MADELINE: I’m just saying-


TINA: You don’t know how things work here, I get it! You’re new to Portland. But luckily, you’ve got a friend in me.




TINA: Yes. (Tina gets on the walkie talkie) I’ll have that hybrid unloaded for you in a fast second, Darrel.


DARREL: (Over the walkie talkie) Roger that.


MADELINE: Why don’t I have the walkie talkie?


TINA: Because you have to earn the walkie talkie. Just use your pager for now.


MADELINE: Pagers are so out of date!

TINA: It’s called downshifting! You downshift to old technology in order to live a simpler life. You’ll learn everything if you just come with me.


(Tina starts leading Madeline somewhere)


MADELINE: Alright…


(Cut to Tina leading Madeline into the back room, where a bunch of Whole Foods employees are playing cards. Some of them have beards, some of them are wearing beanies, or both)


TINA: Hey guys. You know Madeline, right?


(One of the guys turns to them)


GUY: Oh yeah, the new girl!


OTHER GUY: Darrel, you ass, she’s clearly a gender fluid transvaginal mesh-man.


MADELINE: No, I don’t ascribe to any weird gender identities, I’m just a woman.


DARREL: I thought so too.


MAN: All I can tell you is she’s a wild animal! Rawwr!


(They all nod their heads in polite agreement)




MAN: You think so? I mean, I am a great swimmer.




TINA: They were speculating about who your spirt animal is, not being sexist.


MAN: I was positing that your spirit animal is a wild animal because you seem to have a free spirit, and you appear very individualistic.


MADELINE: Oh…so you guys aren’t just talking about my looks?


DARREL: What? No! That would be inappropriate. Plus, half of us are gay.


MADELINE: Okay. (Madeline laughs) Sorry, I’m just not used to the culture of this town yet.


TINA: That’s totally fine. When half these men moved here, they were straight.


GUY: This is true.


DARREL: My apologies, we should introduce ourselves. My name is Darrel, this is Ed, Reid and Lou.


ED: Hi there.


MADELINE: Hi, I’m Madeline.


LOU: We were playing pinochle, do you want to join in?

MADELINE: Aren’t I, on duty?


LOU: Oh, Tina’s going to unload he hybrid anyway, get over here.



(Madeline goes over and sits down)


TINA: I’ll be back.


(Tina walks away)


LOU: Thank you, Tina!


TINA: (Off-screen) You’re welcome!


ED: Hold on.


(Ed throws her a beanie)


MADELINE: What is this for-


ED: You can’t be a Northwestern laborer without wearin’ a beanie, sportin’ a beard, or both. And considering you can’t do both-


MADELINE: But it’s 79 degrees outside…


ED: Just go with it.


(Madeline shrugs her shoulders and puts the beanie cap on. Lou starts dealing cards for pinochle. Cut to Ryan in his history class, taking notes on his laptop while Doctor Carr lectures)


DOCTOR CARR: In 1754, the Virginia legislature received word that the French had moved into the Ohio Valley. Word was that the French were building forts. Seven of them. The assumption is that they are going to go beyond that, past the Mason-Dixon line, and would threaten British-held territory. The Virginia legislature sends a young militia colonel named George Washington to intervene. He was also interested in buying some land there, because military operations are a great time to scope out a crib, kind of like how David Petraeus owns a vacation house in Fallujah.


(A student raises their hand)


STUDENT: When was Washington sent?


DOCTOR CARR: Uh, 1754.




DOCTOR CARR: Yeah. So, Colonel Washington sauntered on over to Fort Duquesne twirling a pocket watch and, he observes everything. He comes back and says “yes indeed, the French are taking the Ohio River Valley”. He is sent back with more troops and his accountants and real estate agents, but he runs into some French soldiers, and shots are exchanged after he offers them twelve dollars for the land. Washington doesn’t do well in that firefight and he heads back, clutching some of the lead bullets that were fired, hoping he can pawn them.


(The same student raises his hand)


STUDENT: And when was this?


(Doctor Carr stars at the student)


DOCTOR CARR: Same year. 1754.




(He continues typing notes)


DOCTOR CARR: And that is why, in 1763, things between England and the colonies experienced a turning point. England abandoned a policy of salutary neglect because the colonies were evading their taxes, and during the Seven Year’s War, they traded with the French. So to them, it was time to get harsh, and impose a direct tax on the people of the colonies, which is something they haven’t ever been subject to before-


STUDENT: And what year was that?




(The student freezes. Cut to Ryan in his math class as his elderly Professor writes an equation on the board. The Professor turns to the class. “Professor Kester” is written on the board)


PROFESSOR KESTER: Let me tell you boys and girls something. This equation will feel like nothing in a few months. You’ll be able to roll through it, no problem. It just takes work. And practice. You see, I’m an engineer. And I worked for Bell Helicopter for ten years. During that time, I tested out helicopters, unmanned helicopters, and I crashed two of ‘em. Each had a 100,000 dollar deductible on them. How much does that make? (Everybody takes out their calculators) Oh my Gosh, it’s 200,000. (They all put their calculators down) So I owed them 200 grand. And let me tell ya, that is the reason I am working here today.


RYAN: Ouch.


PROFESSOR KESTER: But it’s worth it. I might not be able to retire until I’m ninety-five, but it’ll feel good once I do. (Ryan raises his hand) Yes?


RYAN: Could you explain negative exponents real quick?


PROFESSOR KESTER: ‘Course. (As Kester speaks, he starts writing stuff on the board) A negative exponent means you may not have a negative exponent in your answer. You take the negative reciprocal, turn it upside down and change it from a negative to a positive. Make sense?


(Ryan gives a blank stare)


RYAN: …Complete sense. Thanks.


PROFESSOR KESTER: Good. Any more soft balls?


(Pan to a balding black man sitting in a tiny pink pre-school desk in the back of the class)


BALDING BLACK MAN: I’m here to finally get myself an EDUCATION!


PROFESSOR KESTER: That desk…where did you get it?


(Cut to Ryan trying to complete a math quiz in his dorm that night. But he is just staring at it. Ryan then gets a text. He checks it, and it’s from Davis and it is in response to a text Ryan sent several hours prior, reading “hey did you ask bailey about dinner this weekend?” and Davis’ response was “yeah I asked her and she didn’t seem terribly interested anymore, idk why”. Ryan looks disappointed. He texts “really? That’s odd. :((((((( well ok do you just wanna have dinner then?” Ryan puts his phone down. Someone knocks on the door. Ryan gets up and opens it, and Faith walks in)




(Ryan cringes at the loudness of Faith’s response)


RYAN: …Hi.


(Faith sits down)


FAITH: What’s up, my nigga?


RYAN: Hey.


FAITH: Let’s get that Fela going. (Faith starts playing “Unknown Soldier” by Fela on his computer) O-LAY! OLAY, OLAY, OLAY! (Ryan looks annoyed) O-LAY, OLAY, OLAY, OLAY!


RYAN: Did Fela write the “O-lay” soccer chant?


FAITH: No, it’s just that this doesn’t have vocals so I’m adding my own. O-LAY, OLAY, OLAY, OLAY!


RYAN: Cool.


(Ryan gets a text from Davis and it says “I have a debate tournament this weekend and next”. Ryan puts his head on his desk, and then stands up and takes his math sheet towards the door)


FAITH: Where ya goin’, boss?


RYAN: Elsewhere.


(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan walking down the hallway. Nick comes out of his dorm while Ryan is walking and looks at him)


NICK: Hey man.


RYAN: Hey.


NICK: How are you doin’?


RYAN: …Good. Are you feeling okay?


NICK: Why do you ask?


RYAN: You seem more chipper than…ever.


NICK: Just had a smoke.


RYAN: In your room?


NICK: Yeah, don’t tell the RA. Well, the other RA.


RYAN: ‘Kay.


NICK: I also slept through all my classes.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: You’re a great example to the floor.


(Nick chuckles)


NICK: Yeah. What do you got there?


(Ryan holds up the math sheet)


RYAN: A math sheet. I’m awful in math, so I was going to do it in the study room. Plus, my dorm mate was being…disruptive.


NICK: You don’t like him?


RYAN: No, I like him, it’s just that when you’re forced to spend that much time with someone, you get annoyed by certain things after a while.


NICK: Yeah, I understand that. That’s how I am with my girlfriend when I visit her every other weekend.


RYAN: Why am I talking to you like you didn’t poison me earlier?


NICK: You need help with that arithmetic?


RYAN: Uh, yeah. Are you actually offering to-?


NICK: Yeah, come in. (Nick opens the door to his suite of dorms) Like I said, my door’s always open. Mostly because I kicked it in out of anger when my girlfriend and I had a fight and the University refuses to replace it. But still.


RYAN: …Alright, sure.


(Ryan comes into the suite of dorms and Nick closes the door. Cut to Nick and Ryan walking into Nick’s dorm, which does not have a door. A cigarette is still emitting smoke in an ash tray on his desk. He sits down at his desk)


NICK: Pull up a seat.


(Ryan pulls up a seat and sits down)


RYAN: Your roommate won’t mind?


NICK: My roommate moved across the hall, he sleeps in the closet of another dorm in this suite now.


RYAN: Why?


NICK: We don’t get along, I guess. It’s weird, because I’m very personable.


RYAN: Right.


(Nick takes out his iPod, which is connected to an iHome)


NICK: What do you like to listen to? I have Travis Scott, and…U2, Songs of Innocence, the fuck did that get there?


RYAN: I’m into metal, mostly.


NICK: Code Orange? Fallujah? Disturbed? Opeth?


RYAN: Why don’t we just go without music?


NICK: Alright, alright.


(Nick puts down his iPod)


RYAN: Right. Um, so, adding fractions. What’s that about?

NICK: Yeah, let me see. (Nick takes Ryan’s paper) Okay, you have to multiply the number by the reciprocal. Then you have to simplify the resulting fraction, if possible. Lastly, you have to check your answer by multiplying the result you got by the divisor and be sure it equals the original dividend. Understand?


RYAN: …You’re assuming I know how to multiply, what a reciprocal is, how to simplify, and what a dividend is.


(Nick looks at him and sighs. He takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights one in his mouth)


NICK: Okay, obviously we need to get a little more basic here. (Nick puts the pack aside and exhales smoke) Do you know your times tables?


RYAN: That’s where you carry the two?


(Nick puts another cigarette in his mouth and lights it with the burning end of his other cigarette)


NICK: Yeah, this is going to be a slog.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Valerie sitting in front of a suited agent at a Hot Air Balloon Rental company)


AGENT: Hello, folks. I’m Adaryan Kendzior, which is my name.


(He stands up and shakes their hands)




(The agent sits down)


ADARYAN: You’re the Mayor, aren’t ya?


MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, yes I am.


ADARYAN: I wasn’t aware you were engaged.


VALERIE: Yep. We’re in love.


ADARYAN: Well, that’s great. How far along are you?


VALERIE: Pardon?


ADARYAN: Your baby.


MAYOR SARANDON: She doesn’t-


VALERIE: I’m not pregnant.


MAYOR SARANDON: She’s not marrying me to avoid a birth-out-of-wedlock scandal!


ADARYAN: I am so sorry for assuming, Mr. Mayor, that was wrong. I also apologize to you, ma’am.


VALERIE: That’s…whatever.


MAYOR SARANDON: Just get to our options.


ADARYAN: Balloon ride rentals are $185 dollars for each adult person, meaning that would be-


(Cut to Ryan and Nick in Nick’s dorm)


RYAN: …1,185?


(Cut back)


ADARYAN: About $370 dollars. Although we charge extra if you want to throw pennies off of the balloon while you’re up there.


VALERIE: I think we’re fine on that. How does that sound, Brian?


MAYOR SARANDON: Sounds great. Would we be touring New England?


ADARYAN: Yes. You’ll pace over boat clubs, fisheries and Puritan settlements, and that is generally why people want to throw pennies.


MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, no throwing pennies!


ADARYAN: Very good then. Let’s find you a hot air balloon operator.




ADARYAN: We need someone to operate the hot-air balloon, you know, fire it up.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, can’t they just teach me to fire it up? I don’t want some stranger in our private hot air balloon ride.


ADARYAN: I apologize, but strangers are required on all hot air balloon rides to fire up the balloon and ensure safety throughout, but worry not, Carl will not bother you.


VALERIE: Yeah, Brian, it’s fine, we can ignore him. Pretend he’s your butler.


MAYOR SARANDON: …Alright, whatever.


(Mayor Sarandon, Valerie and Adaryan stand up. Mayor Sarandon and Adaryan shake hands)




(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Valerie and Carl the operator on the hot air balloon)




(Carl fires up the balloon as they slowly start taking flight)


VALERIE: Oh my Gosh.




(Valerie starts nervously giggling)


VALERIE: Oh my Gosh, hold me.


(Mayor Sarandon holds Valerie)


MAYOR SARANDON: Daddy’s here.


VALERIE: Holy crap.


MAYOR SARANDON: We’re getting up there.


CARL: About 700 feet above the ground.


MAYOR SARANDON: Just keep an eye towards the sky, Valerie.


VALERIE: Oh, it’s pretty.


MAYOR SARANDON: You see all that over there?


VALERIE: Uh-huh.


MAYOR SARANDON: We own that.


VALERIE: Yes we do.


CARL: (Mockingly, while putting arms in the air) OOooh!!!


(Mayor Sarandon and Valerie look at him)




CARL: Give me a break, is what I mean.


MAYOR SARANDON: Do you want to take this outside?


CARL: Outside the, hot air balloon?


MAYOR SARANDON: I didn’t say I’d be joining you.




(Carl takes out a cigarette and lights it in his mouth and exhales smoke)


CARL: I’m quaking in my boots.


MAYOR SARANDON: Should you be smoking on a hot air balloon?


CARL: Oh, don’t worry, the engine’s not on. It’s being powered by YOUR hot air.




CARL: You know how many hot air balloons I’ve been in with couples that ended the relationship during the ride? A lot! People need space from others. It’s the only way to stay sane.


MAYOR SARANDON: Did we ask you?! Put out the cancer stick, you rancid dick!

CARL: (Mockingly, with gesticulations) Oooh, such flow.


(Carl throws the lit cigarette off of the hot air balloon)


MAYOR SARANDON: What the- are you serious? That’s dangerous!


CARL: So is love. So, is, love.


VALERIE: (Mockingly, with gesticulations) OOoh!


(Cut to Madeline, Ed, Reid, Lou and others at the pinochle table at work)


LOU: Well, that’s another round won by Madeline.


MADELINE: Hell yeah! (Madeline rakes in tomatoes) I get all the tomatoes!


ED: I grew those myself, you know. It was hard work.


MADELINE: And now I can take the seeds and grow MORE! And it’ll be hard work for ME!


REID: Selfish.


(Aspen comes in)


ASPEN: What is the meaning of this? This is highly unorthodox!


(Madeline stands up)


MADELINE: Yes, sorry sir, I’ll return to work immediately-


LOU: HOLD UP!  (Everyone looks at Lou) It ain’t a big deal. Ever think about that?


ASPEN: We have customers out there who need assistance, come on, guys, don’t be a bad influence on our new employee. This puts you guys on thin ice.


(Reid and Ed stand up)


REID: Alright, back to the salt mines, guys.


ASPEN: The sea salt mines.


REID: Right, sorry.


(Lou stands up)


LOU: Hold on.


(Lou walks over to Aspen)


REID: Whoa, Lou, relax.


LOU: Just do it, Aspen.


ASPEN: Do what?


LOU: You’re laying off one of us, right? We’re losing money like a wildfire in a forest made of…money, and suddenly you hire someone? A beautiful female, that you don’t have to pay as much, no less?

MADELINE: Wait, what?

ASPEN: I pay all my employees the same, okay? And yes, times are tough for us, but this is a worthy investment.


MADELINE: We’re losing money?


ASPEN: Yes, a store opened across the street that is driving us out down the K-Hole.


MADELINE: The K-Hole?!


ED: It’s the term for when you’re using ketamine and you drift into a dissociative state.


ASPEN: That’s literally our financial situation right now. Business is as slow as a stumbling junkie on horse tranquilizers, which are also the people I used to pay to put grocery carts back.


MADELINE: Well, what does the store across the street have that we don’t? Kale butter? Kale cocoa butter? Kale lube?!

ASPEN: No, they have Doritos, Coca-Cola, veal and ketamine, behind the store. Even Portlanders have weaknesses, and these bastards are exploiting them.


MADELINE: So what, you’re going to lay one of these nice people off to save money?


ASPEN: Well, none of them, with the exception of Tina, are really proving their value right now.


LOU: Well, how about this ASPEN?! We’re going on strike until we are guaranteed our jobs!

ASPEN: Guaranteed?! There are no guarantees in this economy!


LOU: Well we’re all in the union, so we can strike and you can fire us, or you can give us a month to turn the image of this place, on its ass.


(The other employees look around at each other in agreement)


MADELINE: That sounds good to me.


ASPEN: I can have marketing guy do that.


MADELINE: Aren’t marketing guys going to be, expensive?


ASPEN: …I have female marketing guys.


MADELINE: Tread lightly.


LOU: Come on, Aspen. We can’t let this place go down the K-hole. Your father built this place with his flesh and blood.


ASPEN: My father’s an accountant and I’ve managed this place for a year.


LOU: Aspen, let us try.




ASPEN: …Alright. One month.



(They all cheer and high-five one another as Tina comes in)


TINA: The Hybrid is out of gas, do we have any?


MADELINE: What are the odds?


(Cut to Ryan and Nick in his dorm, still working on the paper)


RYAN: Okay, so, the 12, we can just forget about it?


NICK: No, we can’t!


RYAN: Well I don’t want to deal with it!

NICK: You need to, in order to get the correct answer!

RYAN: Fug. (Ryan puts his head on Nick’s desk) My brain doesn’t work this way…


NICK: Okay, how does it work?


(Ryan lifts his head up)


RYAN: Creatively. That’s my scene.


NICK: Have you joined a creative writing or, music club or something?


RYAN: People keep telling me to join a club, and I keep meaning to join one, but-


NICK: But what? It’s too hard?


RYAN: It’s not that, it’s just like, it’s another thing I have to do. It feels like a chore. Sometimes I just want to go into my dorm, shut off the lights, and pretend I don’t exist.


NICK: …Well, that’s what I’ve been doing, pretending you don’t exist. But I figured it was about time I reflected this “open-door policy” of mine.


RYAN: Right.


NICK: But listen, you sound depressed. Do you see a psychologist?


RYAN: Yes.


NICK: Are you taking medications?


RYAN: Does self-medicating count?


NICK: Yes.


RYAN: Then yes.


NICK: You know what helps depression better than self-medication?


RYAN: What?


NICK: Exercise.


RYAN: Yes, I know-


NICK: It says on the biography posted outside this suite that I like to work out, and people should ask to work out with me. So, I’ll ask you this. Do you want to work out with me?


RYAN: …Really?


NICK: Yeah.


RYAN: Where?




RYAN: Yes please!


NICK: No, not the cock, the C-A-C. Catamount Activities Center. Homo.


RYAN: Oh, okay. That works too.


(Nick breaks out of his stoic demeanor and laughs a bit, as does Ryan)


NICK: Now don’t just say you’re gonna do this and not do it, like with the “join a club” suggestion.


RYAN: Okay, I won’t.


NICK: See?! Right there! That was a noncommittal promise!


RYAN: Well, how do I make it a committal promise?


NICK: Swear on this- (Nick pulls a bible out of his trash can) Holy Bible!


RYAN: Why was that in the trash can?


NICK: My grandma sent it in a care package and I only kept the M&Ms, so swear on it!

RYAN: I don’t really believe in that kind of thing, but, okay, I’ll do it. (Ryan puts his hand on Nick’s bible and raises his right hand) I swear I’ll work out with you, I swear I’ll join a club, hallelujah, amen, alright, alright, alright.


NICK: Good. In the name of the Son, Father and The Holy Spirit.


(Nick throws the bible away again)


RYAN: Wow. What are we going to do about my math skills?

NICK: I can’t fix that shit, here, let me get you a- (Nick takes out his phone) tutor’s number.


RYAN: One of your tutors?


NICK: An ex-girlfriend of mine, too.


RYAN: Wow, and you don’t mind her tutoring me?


NICK: Nah, I left her. She kept trying to make me a better person, and, I don’t know, I thought it was kind of annoying. What’s your number? I’m gonna text you Larkin’s number.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Valerie and Carl up in the sky, in the hot air balloon. Mayor Sarandon and Valerie are looking upon the clouds)


MAYOR SARANDON: This is just, such a pristine day to be doing this.


VALERIE: Yeah, definitely. You know what I was thinking?


MAYOR SARANDON: What’s that, honey?


VALERIE: Since we might not get the 2024 Olympics to be here in Hansbay, I just say we build a goddamn zoo right in the middle of the city. We’ll get tourists that way for sure, even though it’s not as much as the Olympics.


MAYOR SARANDON: Valerie, we need that money for the Olympics, what makes you think we’re not getting it?


VALERIE: Honey, you fought the good fight, but, we’re not in the running! They have a short list of candidate cities from the US, Boston, LA, San Francisco, DC, but no Hansbay. They had a meeting two months ago about the logistics of bidding for the 2024 Olympics as well.


MAYOR SARANDON: If we can’t get the 2024 Games, we’ll get the 2028 games! Or the 2032 games! And there’ll be laser tag! And horse racing! And that soccer thing everyone was freaking out about a few months ago! Assuming it’s still trendy by that point.


VALERIE: Brian, I’m just trying to make you think practically!


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t need someone to crush my dreams, Valerie! I get that enough at work-oh wait, you work with me!

VALERIE: Oh, give me a break, your delusions are exactly what get you into trouble, Brian! Do you think the Mayor of Biloxi, Mississippi bids for Olympics? No! Because that city’s main attraction is a non-operational light house!




VALERIE: But still, what? Face it, Brian. You’re never going to be taken seriously until you get your feet firmly planted on the ground.


(Carl laughs)


MAYOR SARANDON: Fuck you laughing about?


(Carl turns around)


CARL: It’s always the same. Something about beautiful skies and a tranquil calm makes couples anxious to fill it with screaming.


VALERIE: Oh my God this is- (Valerie acts as if she smells something) do you smell that?


MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, it smells like burning.


(Carl looks down)


CARL: Oh, shit.


(They look to see a burning forest. Mayor Sarandon points at Carl)





(Carl quickly starts landing the hot air balloon)


MAYOR SARANDON: Do police have hot air balloons on patrol?


(Carl lands the balloon and jumps out, running away. Mayor Sarandon and Valerie get out as well and look the way he went)


VALERIE: He’s gone!

(Mayor Sarandon and Valerie turn to this raging fire. Cut to black as the fire’s crackling intensifies)









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