The Donahues Episode 19

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Madeline attends the prom with Kyle, Ethan and Madeline frantically prepare for Madeline’s High School Graduation ceremony, Ryan runs into an old flame on a bus, Ethan and Kimberly argue about how Madeline’s life will be affected by President Obama’s policies, Madeline breaks up with Kyle and then Madeline graduates from High School.

Submitted: June 15, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 15, 2012










“Last one leaves the nest as transition revisits lives of the parents”

  • Rick Hamrick


(We start with Madeline and Kyle slow dancing at the senior prom. Madeline is wearing a blue dress and Kyle is wearing a suit. Madeline looks bored. Behind them are Adam and Britney also slow-dancing along with Josh and Courtney. The song playing is very slow and wistful)


MADELINE: I think I have gum in my shoes.


KYLE: You mean on your shoes?


MADELINE: No, in them.


KYLE: How-how does that happen?


(Cut to Ethan sleeping in bed. He is nudged awake by Kimberly)




(Ethan wakes up)


ETHAN: Wha? Oh, hey, Kim.  Jesus, what time is it?


KIMBERLY: It’s 10:30 AM.




(Ethan springs out of bed)




ETHAN: My god, I must have mono.


KIMBERLY: What? Relax, you overslept, we went out last night.


ETHAN: No, I’ve never slept past 7AM, I have legit mono. Schedule an appointment.


KIMBERLY: You can’t be so punctual all your life!


ETHAN: God, my foot itches. (He sits on the side of the bed and starts itching his foot) Is that a side effect of mono? Itchy feet?


KIMBERLY: No, that’s a side effect of itchy feet.


ETHAN: Jesus.


KIMBERLY: Listen, Madeline’s graduation is today.


ETHAN: Oh yeah. Where’s my suit?


KIMBERLY: It’s not for a couple hours, don’t worry, just go and make breakfast.


ETHAN: It’s dinner!


KIMBERLY: What?  No, it’s definitely breakfast.


ETHAN: God, I woke up so late, it might as well be a midnight snack.


KIMBERLY: Just go!


(Ethan leaves the room and Madeline saunters in)


MADELINE: Good morning.


KIMBERLY: Morning, Maddie. Graduation girl. Are you excited?


MADELINE: Of course.  I can’t wait for some guy I’ve never heard of to spout clichés at me.


KIMBERLY: He’s the Attorney General of Vermont, William Sorrell.


MADELINE: I still haven’t heard of him.


KIMBERLY: C’mon, most high schools can’t even get important commencement speakers; those are usually reserved for colleges.


MADELINE: Yeah, I know. I’m excited.


KIMBERLY: Great. Now let’s fit you into your graduation gown. Remember, it has to be exactly right or you don’t participate in the ceremony.




(Kimberly takes out a manual)


KIMBERLY: Yes. The fabric is egg shell white with a brown zig zag insignia representing “hope”, and then the cap is broidered with thylacine fur.




KIMBERLY: Then, we had to dip the shoes in a vat of liquid gold and make sure that the tassel is not “too gay”, although it doesn’t specify what the definition of “too gay” is.


MADELINE: Wow, they have incredibly specific, and quite frankly damn near impossible instructions.


KIMBERLY: But no worries, we got the gown, the insignia, and I sent Ethan to Tasmania last week to hunt the thylacine for its fur, which was a bitch, because they’ve supposedly been extinct 76 years.


MADELINE: Are you serious?


(Cut to Ethan in safari gear walking through the jungle of Tasmania with a shot gun. Suddenly, a Thylacine, which is a supposedly extinct dog-like creature with stripes on its back, an arched back, a pouch and a huge jaw, comes out of the thickets)


ETHAN: COME HERE, TASMANIAN MOTHERFUCKER! (As the Thylacine begins to flee, Ethan shoots it dead) This’ll go great with my dodo feather cap.


(Cut back)


MADELINE: Well, at least we re-discovered an extinct species!


KIMBERLY: Actually, the other fathers trying to get their children to participate in the graduation ceremony hunted the Thylacines to extinction again, sorry.


MADELINE: Jesus Christ.




MADELINE: Hey, where’s Ryan?


KIMBERLY: I dropped him off in Burlington; he’s picking up a graduation present for you.


MADELINE: How’s he getting back?


KIMBERLY: He’s taking the bus.




(Cut to Ryan at a bus stop in Burlington. He is empty-handed and is standing next to a straggler asleep on the bench, along with a clearly unhappy couple. The bus pulls up and three of them board, leaving the straggler behind. Ryan goes to a seat near the back of the middle, and sits in one of the only empty seats on the bus. There, he finds a pair of skinny jeans on the seat)


RYAN: What the hell? (Ryan goes into the back pocket and takes out a wallet. He looks through the wallet and sees a learner’s permit card that reads as the following)





UNDER 21 UNTIL 11/21/2016


DL 93759204

DOB 11/21/1995

Eric Sullivan

4a lss 1/25/2011 Exp 11/21/2013







S DD 70757207502874502875203752037502375


(Cut back to Ryan looking at the learner’s permit)


RYAN: What the hell? Eric?


(Eric, a skinny emo kid with straightened blonde hair and dark clothing and skinny jeans walks over with another kid behind him, who is a little bit bigger and taller and is wearing a dark red and black plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves and loose jeans)


ERIC: Ryan?


(Ryan looks up)


RYAN: Eric?


(They both get up and embrace in a hug)


ERIC: Oh my God! It’s been forever!


RYAN: I know! How are you?


ERIC: I’m –


RYAN: Before you even answer that, why are your pants on this bus seat, and why does it have your wallet in them?


(Ryan and Eric sit next to each other while Ryan holds Eric’s pants. The other kid sits directly in front of them and turns around to talk to them)


ERIC: Oh, I guess I must’ve left my pants here when we got off to go to the mall, silly me.


RYAN: But, you’re wearing pants, right now!


ERIC: Ryan, you remember my brother Trevor.


RYAN: Of course, hello Trevor.


TREVOR: Hello.


(The bus starts moving)


RYAN: So Eric, when did you get released?


ERIC: Oh, I was released in April.


RYAN: Wow, are you better now?


ERIC: It’s debatable.


TREVOR: He’s not, but he had been thrown around the institutional circuit like a closet, so they got sick of him and let him free.


RYAN: Wow, that’s good.


ERIC: I don’t know if it’s good for society, but it’s good for me!


RYAN: (Laughs) Right. So, I saw on your permit that you live in Burlington?


ERIC: Yeah, we just moved here.


TREVOR: Moving here was harder than a comb, and we sweated like cats out there.


RYAN: Wow, you’re not very good at similes.


ERIC: He’s working on it.


RYAN: Yeah, so do you have a phone number?


ERIC: Um, the court ordered me not to have a phone, but I have a Facebook.


RYAN: Great, well what’s your Facebook?


ERIC: Eric Sullivan?


RYAN: Right, of course.  Well, I’ll Facebook you, maybe we can meet halfway in Shelburne.


ERIC: The court banned me from Shelburne, Vermont.


RYAN: Alright, I’ll just come to Burlington. We can get a coat! (Laughs)


ERIC: The court ordered-


RYAN: That you not go to Burlington Coat Factory.


ERIC: Yeah.


RYAN: Got it.


ERIC: But we should meet in the city sometime.


RYAN: Definitely.


ERIC: So, how’s your family?


RYAN: Well, my sister’s graduating today, my brother’s still a douche, you know.


ERIC: Is your dad still into archery?


RYAN: No, he moved onto Thylacine hunting.




RYAN: Yeah.


(Cut to Ethan in the kitchen drinking a Coors Light™®©. Kimberly comes in with the fully concocted graduation gown, except for the Thylacine fur)


KIMBERLY: Ethan, where’s the thylacine fur?


ETHAN: I made a coat with it for you.


KIMBERLY: Ethan, what the hell? That fur was supposed to be for Madeline’s graduation gown!


ETHAN: Relax, I caught another Thylacine, it’s upstairs locked in the bathroom.




ETHAN: Don’t yell at me, but yes, I did.


(Cut to Jacob walking to the bathroom door. He is about to grasp the handle when a loud roar is heard. He jumps back and runs downstairs, into the kitchen, where he jumps around frantically)


JACOB: Agh! Jiga-du-brennana!


ETHAN: What?


JACOB: There’s a monster in the bathroom!


ETHAN: Oh, calm down, it’s just a once-thought extinct creature whose mouth can open at a 120 degree angle.




ETHAN: Because it’s for Madeline’s graduation gown. They’re very anal about these types of things.


KIMBERLY: Can you just go kill it for its fur?


JACOB: Isn’t it endangered?


ETHAN: Yeah, and it needs to go back to being extinct. That thing’s evil and can claw through doors.


JACOB: I’m going to Ross’.




(Jacob exits stage right)


KIMBERLY: Kill it for its fur, please.


ETHAN: Yeah, I will later.




ETHAN: You know that “Life of Julia” animation President Obama had on his website, detailing the socialist paradise that awaits every woman if President Obama gets re-elected?




ETHAN: It pains me to think what socialist hellscape awaits Madeline when she graduates if Obama gets re-elected.


KIMBERLY: Oh, does it pain you? What exactly will happen?


ETHAN: Well…


(Cut to Madeline in a college class room filled with other college students taking notes. A professor in a brown jacket with patched elbows is at the head of the classroom and a hammer and sickle is drawn on the board. A picture of President Obama is hung in the corner and an American Flag with the Obama symbol instead of the fifty stars is hanging in the corner)


PROFESSOR: Let’s review. The rights of the proletariat and the working man are sacrosanct to the hope and change that Chairman Obama is instituting. You must sacrifice your income for the good of the state and the welfare of all people. Especially to Chairman Obama’s golf games, which are for the entertainment of the people. Remember kids, capitalism is a disgusting and evil system, and that’s why Chairman Obama takes the wealth and spreads it around to the people, who work at AIG, Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan Chase.


(Cut back)


KIMBERLY: Ethan, you know that that’s stupid, right?


ETHAN: Don’t interrupt.


(Cut to Madeline sitting in a waiting, surrounded by dead people in chairs. She’s holding her stomach)




(A nurse walks over)


NURSE: Sorry Ms. Donahue, but this is a state-run hospital, so you have to wait in line! Looks like these other folks didn’t make it! MU HA HA HA HA HA HA! (She morphs into a demon) MU HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!


(Cut back)


KIMBERLY: You realize that contraceptives are covered under Obamacare and those can cure ovarian cysts, right? I mean, you specifically chose ovarian cysts as Madeline’s ailment in this fabrication, which is weird because it’s so easy for me to rebut. Plus, there is no provision in Obamacare mandating state-run hospitals, long lines for treatment or nurses being demons.


ETHAN: Let me finish.


(Cut to Madeline sitting on the couch next to another woman with a short haircut and a lip ring. Both of them are wearing wedding rings and smoking pot and watching television)


MADELINE: This show is so funny because of doobies and pot-weed. I like to smoke bong.




MADELINE: I love you, wife. Later we should assault a straight couple for not being gay.


LESBIAN PARTNER: Legit, straight-up.


MADELINE: Good thing we can just smoke pot and watch TV all day, because we received unlimited welfare checks from the United States government.




(They both cough profusely. Cut back)


KIMBERLY: It seems like that’s a harsher reflection on Madeline than on Obama. Do you really think she’s a lazy stoner lesbian who likes to beat up straight couples?


ETHAN: Hey, she had a liberal professor!


(Kimberly sighs. Cut to Madeline as an old woman before a panel of men in suits in a poorly lit room)


CHAIRMAN: You disgust me. You vile, vile old woman. Wasting precious Medicare resources, you serpent! Smelling strangely after emerging from a shower, complaining about how your grandson doesn’t call you, well I hope you enjoy calls from your grandson in HELL, YOU VILE WITCH! All in favor of throwing this bitch in the fire?




CHAIRMAN: Goodbye, now!


(The chairman presses a button and Madeline is catapulted into a vat of fire. Cut back)


KIMBERLY: Jesus, Ethan, I have things to do.


ETHAN: I do too. I have to skin that thylacine and then meet up with Ryan to get him a car.


KIMBERLY: Okay, get on those two things.


(Cut to Ryan and Eric talking on the public bus)


RYAN: So it turns out bactine is not good lubricant!


ERIC: (Laughs) I never would’ve guessed!


RYAN: Yeah. So, it’s been good seeing you, man.


ERIC: Likewise. I’ll Facebook you.


RYAN: I will Facebook you as well. See ya!


ERIC: Bye.


(The bus stops and Ryan gets off at a Hansbay bus terminal. The bus speeds off as Michelle approaches)




RYAN: Hey.


(They kiss)


MICHELLE: Who was that guy you were talking to on the bus?


RYAN: Oh, no one.


MICHELLE: Okay, well, your dad should be here at any moment.


RYAN: Okay.


(Ethan walks over with a thylacine on a leash, much to the shock of Ryan and Michelle)


ETHAN: Hello, Ryan. Hello, Michelle.


(Cut to Ryan, Ethan and Michelle outside a car dealership talking to a man in a cheap suit with a name tag reading “Dylan Wheeler”)


RYAN: So, I want something classy, but understated, flashy, but unassuming, big, but not huge.


DYLAN: So, like average-sized?


RYAN: Average, but above average.


DYLAN: Okay, so not average.


RYAN: Black, but white. Strong, but weak. Paper, but plastic.


DYLAN: Okay, now you’re just naming opposites!


ETHAN: Shut up, Ryan. We’re looking for something cheap, so I don’t have to drive Fags Domino here around to all his fag-stinations.


MICHELLE: Such a stretch.


ETHAN: Yeah, well what do you suggest?


DYLAN: Well, sir, power windows have existed since the 1960s, but I think we can sacrifice those-


(Dylan’s speech becomes incomprehensible as the camera zooms in on Ryan, whose mind is clearly elsewhere.  It goes into a flashback sequence to early March 2011. 45-year old Ethan is on his laptop in the kitchen and 43-year old Kimberly is sitting across from him, drinking coffee)


ETHAN: This Libya thing is not going away. Still don’t think we need to bomb Libya?


KIMBERLY: Well, what if President Obama did bomb Libya?


ETHAN: I think that would be an illegal act of war at a time we can least afford it.


KIMBERLY: Okay, what if President Romney bombed Libya?


ETHAN: I think that would be a bold act of courage done by a true leader.


KIMBERLY: Jesus. Do you ever listen to yourself?


(15-year old Ryan comes with his back pack on)


RYAN: Hey, I’m going.




KIMBERLY: Bye honey, love you.


RYAN: Love you, too. (Ryan goes out the door and sees 15-year old Eric sitting on the curb at the side of the road. He furrows his brow and goes over to Eric and sits next to him) Who are you?


ERIC: What does it matter to you?


RYAN: You’re sitting in front of my house, and you look like a blonde version of me, that’s why.


ERIC: (Chuckles) Yeah, I just…my parents kicked me out. They had a fit.


RYAN: Jesus. Where are you from?


ERIC: I live in the neighborhood.


RYAN: Okay. What happened?


ERIC: I failed a test.


RYAN: So they kicked you out?


ERIC: They said, “If you can fail a test, then you must be able to live on your own.”


RYAN: That makes absolutely no sense.


ERIC: Yeah.


RYAN:  Well, they sound like bad parents.


ERIC: Yeah. My brother said I was being “stupider than a turtle”.


RYAN: Bad simile.


ERIC: (Laughs) I know. My entire family thinks I’m fucked up, but they fail to look at themselves.


RYAN: Same. But my parents wouldn’t kick me out like that. Where do you go to school?


ERIC: McShane High.


RYAN: Christ. Do you have some way of protecting yourself?


ERIC: I have an automatic switchblade.


RYAN:  Aren’t those illegal?


ERIC: Well, so is murder, but that doesn’t stop me from doing it. (Ryan goes wide-eyed) …I’m kidding.


RYAN: (Laughs) Oh, okay, shit, you scared me.


ERIC: Yeah.


RYAN: Hey, do you have a place to stay tonight?


ERIC: No. I usually sleep in the enclosed slide at the park.


RYAN: That sounds uncomfortable.


ERIC: Yeah, you have to constantly push yourself upwards.


RYAN: Well, how about you sleep at a straight angle tonight?


ERIC: Okay.


(Ryan brings Eric to the front door and they both go inside. Cut to Ethan, Michelle and Ryan walking through the front door in modern day. Ryan shuts the door)


ETHAN: Okay! T-an hour for Madeline’s graduation! Let’s go, people! (Ethan takes out a knife) I have to go skin a thylacine!


(Ethan runs upstairs. Madeline comes out of a room wearing her gown)


MADELINE: Hey, Ryan, Michelle.


MICHELLE: My god, Madeline, you look darling!


MADELINE: Thank you.


MICHELLE: I like those earrings.


MADELINE: Thank you. I got them at The Container Store.




(You suddenly hear stabbing and anguished thylacine yelps from upstairs)


RYAN: Jesus Christ.


(The noises stop, and Ethan brings down a handful of thylacine fur for Madeline. He hands it to her)


ETHAN: There you go.


MADELINE: Thank you, daddy.


ETHAN: You’re welcome, precious.


(Ethan kisses Madeline on the cheek and leaves the hallway area. Jacob and Ross come in through the front door)


JACOB: Hello, Maddie.


MADELINE: Hey, Jacob, Ross.


ROSS: Wait, is she graduating today?


MADELINE: No, I was just appointed as a Supreme Court justice, and I thought my robe could use sprucing up.


(Ryan, Jacob and Michelle chuckle)


ROSS: Alright, well if you’re graduating, I should probably mosey.


JACOB: Nonsense, come with me, this is probably the only graduation you’ll ever see.


(Madeline, Michelle and Ryan laugh)


ROSS: I wish one of you were minorities so I could have a comeback for that.


MADELINE: Well, Kyle is going to be here any-(ding dong) now.


(Madeline goes to open the door and Kyle is there in his graduation gown)


KYLE: Hey!



(Kyle stands wide-eyed)


KYLE: Okay, then. Can I come in?


MADELINE: Of course.


(Kyle comes in and Madeline shuts the door)


KYLE: Hello, Jacob, Ryan, Michelle and Ross.


(Ethan comes in wearing a suit)


ETHAN: Hey, Jew. Listen, we should go. KIMBERLY! WE’RE GOING!


(Kimberly comes in with the exact same graduation gown as Madeline)


KIMBERLY: …Goddamnit, I’ll change.


(Kimberly walks away. Cut to a huge football stadium. Ethan, Kimberly, who is dressed in her thylacine fur coat, Ryan, Jacob, Michelle and Ross take their seats when a man in a white shirt comes over)


MAN: Excuse us, we’re from a high-level WASP family, and we have this entire row reserved for our family.


ETHAN: You can’t reserve an entire row, are you serious?


MAN: Well, I have a very important document there, can you hand it to me if you guys are going to be assholes and sit in our row?


(Kimberly sits up and sees a napkin on the seat. She picks up the napkin)


KIMBERLY: You mean this napkin?


MAN: Yes, I’d like that important document.


KIMBERLY: This is not a document, and all it has written on it is “Reminder: Get more napkins”.


MAN: Just give it to me!


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: Listen, buddy, we’ll give you you’re napkin, but don’t yell at my wife like that.


BUDDY: How’d you know my name?


ETHAN: Your name is Buddy?


(Kimberly hands him the napkin)


BUDDY: Thanks.


(Buddy’s wife comes over)


BUDDY’S WIFE: Buddy, what’s going on?


BUDDY: Nothing, Katie. Just a bunch of rude low-lives stealing the row that we reserved.


ETHAN: What entity did you supposedly register this reservation of an entire row stretching across this entire stadium for your family of five?


BUDDY: The Buddy Powell registry, jackass.


KATIE: You people are sick!




RYAN: Okay, can we cool down?


KATIE: You people disgust me. Everybody’s here to watch my precious Adriana graduate, and you’re ruining it!


MICHELLE: No, only you people are here to see that.


BUDDY: What are you people here to see?


JACOB: The Avengers, what the fuck do you think?


ETHAN: We’re here to see Madeline Donahue graduate.


ROSS: Will everybody just sit down?


(Everybody sits down)


BUDDY: What are we going to do, that woman is sitting where my document should be.


KATIE: I don’t care, I have an umbrella, I’ll beat the crap out of her.


(Ryan’s face gets red)


RYAN: Okay, now you’re threatening on inflicting physical violence upon my mom, so how about you not fucking do that?


ETHAN: Good for you, Ryan.


RYAN: Thank you, dad.


KATIE: She started it!


ROSS: So we’re in kindergarten?


(Cut to Madeline taking her seat on the field, with Kyle sitting next to her)


MADELINE: Kyle? What are you doing here? You’re not after me alphabetically.


KYLE: I know, I legally changed my name to Kyle Donaberg so I could sit next to you.


MADELINE: (Laughs) Very funny, but seriously, go to your row.


KYLE: I am serious. Look!


(Kyle shows Madeline a legal document showing he changed his name)


MADELINE: (Shocked) Are you serious?


KYLE: Yeah, I wanted to be near you!


MADELINE: My God, Kyle, you changed your name so you could be close to me for a few hours? What the hell is wrong with you?


KYLE: Don’t yell at me, what’s wrong with wanting to be close to your girlfriend?


MADELINE: Nothing, but you went to huge lengths to do that! Do you realize how fucked this is?


KYLE: I don’t see the big deal.


MADELINE: You never see ANYTHING! You’re a weird person!


KYLE: That’s my charm.


MADELINE: No, that’s your harm!


KYLE: Okay, Mr. Seuss.


MADELINE: Doctor Seuss.


KYLE: Listen, I’ll change it back later, but for now, let’s just enjoy the ceremony. They’re going to read the names soon.


MADELINE: No. Kyle, I’ve been thinking recently, I think we should break up.


KYLE: …What?




KYLE: I can’t believe this!


MADELINE: Really? Because I’ve been dropping hints that this might happen for like, two weeks!


KYLE: But you accepted my invitation to the prom!


MADELINE: Yeah and when we were there, I spiked the punch with ruffelin so you would drink it and fall asleep so I wouldn’t have to listen to you anymore!


KYLE: Jesus, that’s cold.  But I’m Jewish, I can’t drink punch!


MADELINE: Are you sure about that?


KYLE: Ugh, whatever, fine. We’re broken up. Can we still be friends?


MADELINE: Sure. As much as ex-couples can be friends.


KYLE: How much is that?


MADELINE: Not at all.


(Cut to the commencement speaker, Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell)


GENERAL SORRELL: Hello, ladies and gentleman. Boys and girls.  I am Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell. You might remember me from C-SPAN 3. No one? Okay.  In this audience I see future doctors, lawyers, politicians and student loan debt holders.  Mostly student loan debt holders. Remember kids, the low interest rate on student loans expires in July, and the House is controlled by Republicans and the Senate by Democrats, so. Look out!


(Cut to Ryan watching the speech next to Michelle, holding her hand. He sees Eric a couple of rows in front of him)


RYAN: Eric?




RYAN: Nothing.


(Ryan goes to a flashback to that same day in March 2011. 15-year old Ryan leads 15-year old Eric into his room)


ERIC: Wow.


RYAN: This is my room.


ERIC: This is very nice.


(Ryan turns to him)


RYAN: Yes it is. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in here alone, dreaming of you?


ERIC: You just met me.


RYAN: It doesn’t matter. I’ve always known you. One version or another.


(Ryan closes the door and begins making out with Eric. After a little while, Eric stops him)


ERIC: Why are we doing this?


RYAN: Doesn’t this feel right?


ERIC: …Yeah.


(They continue making out. Cut to June 2011. 16-year old Ryan and 15-year old Eric are sitting across from each other at a table at the park)


ERIC: Happy birthday.


RYAN: Thanks, Eric. What’d you want to see talk to me about?


ERIC: Well…I have to go away for a little while.


RYAN: …What do you mean?


ERIC: I have to go to a mental institution in Utah.


RYAN: Why?


ERIC: I’m sick, Ryan.


RYAN: So am I, but I’m not going to an institution!


ERIC: You don’t have my parents. I’m sorry, Ryan.


RYAN: No… (Tears well up) no….


(They get up and hug each other, both of them crying. Cut back. Ryan’s mind is still elsewhere)


MICHELLE: Ryan, pay attention, they’re about to call Madeline’s name!


RYAN: Oh. Okay.


ETHAN: You know Kimberly; forget all that stuff I said. Madeline’s going to have a very bright future.


KIMBERLY: Yes she is. Unless Romney gets elected. (Ethan glares at her) Kidding!


(Ethan smiles and kisses her on the cheek. Cut to the man reading off all the names on stage)


READER: Alexander Greathouse-Donagee the third,


(Cut to the family of that guy in the stands, they start blowing blow horns and cheering)






READER: Courtney Donahell, Madeline Donahue,


(Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Ross and Michelle stand up and cheer, smile and clap as Madeline walks up the stage, is handed her diploma, shakes hands with Principal Maxell, and then is lead off the stage. The Donahues, Michelle and Ross then sit down)


READER: Kyle Donaberg,


(Cut to Kyle’s family, they stand up, make animal noises, then sit down)


ROSS: Did those people make animal noises?


RYAN: (Laughs) I don’t know, but I’m damn proud of Madeline.


MICHELLE: Yeah, she’s really going to make it in something.


RYAN: Hey, I have to go to the bathroom.




(Ryan gets up and walks past his family and up the steps. Cut to the line to the bathrooms. It consists of several adults and Eric, at the end. Ryan walks up to Eric)


RYAN: Eric!


ERIC: Ryan!


RYAN: Wow, I thought I saw you a couple rows in front of me.


ERIC: Yeah, I’m here.


RYAN: So, who do you know that’s graduating from Hansbay High?


ERIC: My brother. They had me in a different school than him due to my…”circumstances”.


RYAN: Right.


ERIC: Hey, let’s talk in private.


RYAN: Okay.


(Eric walks Ryan over to a nearby janitorial closet, and they go in and Eric turns on the light)


ERIC: Nothing more romantic than the smell of ammonia.


RYAN: (Laughs) Yeah. Wait, wha- (Eric leans in to kiss Ryan, but Ryan stops him) Eric.


ERIC: What?


RYAN: I have to tell you something. I…I have a girlfriend.


ERIC: Oh. Why didn’t you mention that before?


RYAN: I…guess I didn’t want to upset you.


ERIC: I see. What’s her name?


RYAN: Michelle Reed.


ERIC: Ah. How long have you been dating her?


RYAN: Two weeks.


ERIC: Okay. So I’m no longer the one you were dreaming of?


RYAN: Eric. You were gone for a year. What was I supposed to do?


ERIC: I don’t know, you had Brennan!


RYAN: Yeah, and we messed around a few times, but it was never serious like us!


ERIC: Anybody else?


RYAN: A guy named Michael Bingaman.


ERIC: Did you leave him for Michelle?


RYAN: …Yes.


ERIC: Well, that’s a great sign for her, huh? You’ll just leave anybody at any time for any reason.


RYAN: Eric.


ERIC: Bye, Ryan.


(Eric leaves the janitorial closet. Ryan sighs and puts his head in his hands.  After a few seconds, a janitor with a nametag reading “Cameron” enters)


CAMERON: Well, you’re not the broom.


RYAN: No, I’m not the broom.


(Fade to black)



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