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Mayor Sarandon’s administration receives surplus military equipment from the federal government, Ryan finds himself in a mad rush to prepare for a test and ends up doing poorly and Madeline has to choose whether to quit her job to get an AFL-CIO job that may not last past November or keep her job and pass up the opportunity

THE DONAHUES

 

“UNDEFINED”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“Times have make a choice of what to keep and what to throw away. Everything engrained comes to a point so sharp could cut a piece a day. And it bleeds on the ground, keep your knees on the ground where they belong”

  • Daveed Diggs

 

(We start with Ryan on his computer in his dorm. Faith is speaking with some black student on the other side of the room. The guy is holding microwave mac and cheese bowls)

 

BLACK STUDENT: Alright, I’ll trade one of these mac and cheeses for two of your Ramens.

 

FAITH: Come on, Purus, two Ramens are easily worth two of your mac and cheeses.

 

PURUS: Nigga, you trippin’.

 

FAITH: Nigga.

 

PURUS: Nigga, though. I’ll give up this mac and cheese and this pack of Saltines- (He holds up a pack of saltines) for those two Ramens, then.

 

FAITH: Shit, that’s not a meal!
 

PURUS: Nigga, none of this is a meal! Did you know you’re not even supposed to microwave those Ramens?

 

FAITH: Shit, why?

 

(Ryan stands up and walks over holding deli-style turkey in his hand)

 

RYAN: Because the Styrofoam could melt and leak into the food.

 

FAITH: Shit, that’s what my mom would call a secret ingredient!

 

PURUS: What do you got there, Ryan?

 

RYAN: Some deli meat.

 

FAITH: Why do you have all the good stuff and I have this Ramen shit?

 

RYAN: It’s how the other half lives, Faith, don’t hate!

 

PURUS: SHIT! He went there!
 

(They laugh)

 

FAITH: I’m serious about that mac and cheese though, gonna need more than you’re offering.

 

PURUS: Fine, mac and cheese and, the entire box of saltines!

 

(Purus holds up a box of saltines)

 

FAITH: Deal!

 

(Faith and Purus shake hands. Ibrahim opens the door to the dorm and is holding a Cup Noodles)

 

IBRAHIM: Faith, I’ll give you a better brand of Mac And Cheese for them noodles!
 

(Purus turns around and puts his hand out at Ibrahim)

 

PURUS: Whoa, stop hornin’ in on my deal!

 

(Loud arguing and cross-talk begins as Ryan tries to referee both sides by holding his hands out and yelling at both of them, but eventually, Faith interrupts the madness)

 

FAITH: Wait! WAIT! WAIT!!

 

(They stop talking and look at him)

 

PURUS: What?!
 

FAITH: What kind of mac and cheese is it?

 

IBRAHIM: It’s Annie’s Mac and Cheese.

 

RYAN: You go with the Annies!

 

FAITH: Obviously, right?

 

PURUS: No, no, no, be a real nigga and go with Kraft, it’s been with you this long.

 

RYAN: Dude, you’ve lost. Be at peace with it.

 

PURUS: Whatever, I don’t need this college food stock market shit. Peace out.

 

(Purus walks out of the room)

 

IBRAHIM: Okay, now that he’s gone, I can reveal my real intentions. This Annie’s Mac and Cheese is the shit, it’s the cock on the block, I won’t accept anything less than six Ramens for it.

 

RYAN: Take it.

 

FAITH: Whoa, six? I’m gonna need something more. A nigga’s gotta eat. And my stepmom couldn’t put money in my account today because the bank was closed by the time she got a chance.

 

RYAN: Your mom couldn’t put money in your account because the bank was closed?

 

FAITH: Yeah.

 

RYAN: In the year 2014?

 

FAITH: Yes! She had a literal bag of cash all ready to put on a teller’s desk to be hand-delivered to me, but the bank was locking up its door as soon as she pulled up.

 

RYAN: Has she ever heard of online banking?

 

FAITH: Dude, we’re not talking about SimPoints, here, goodness!

 

RYAN: Wha-

 

IBRAHIM: I’ll give you access to my water heater, it makes the Ramen taste better.

 

FAITH: It’s a deal!

 

IBRAHIM: Great!
 

(Faith and Ibrahim shake hands)

 

FAITH: I’ll bring it over as soon as I can.

 

IBRAHIM: ‘Kay.

 

(Ibrahim walks back to his dorm room. Cut to Ryan, who is lying sandwich meat on two pieces of bread)

 

RYAN: This food trade thing is pretty hilarious, but I do need to study for my math test, so…

 

FAITH: Yeah, of course, I won’t involve you in this any longer. That being said, I need to involve you in this longer.

 

RYAN: What? Why?

 

FAITH: Well…

 

(Cut to Ibrahim coming out of his dorm and facing the camera)

 

IBRAHIM: Uh…what is this?

 

(Cut to Faith standing on the other side of the hall, with Ryan standing behind him, wearing sunglasses)

 

FAITH: Don’t worry about it. Where’s the Annie’s? (Ibrahim tosses Faith the Annie’s macaroni and cheese) Thanks, homie. Ryan.

 

(Ryan throws a duffel bag at Ibrahim’s feet, and Ibrahim kneels down to inspect it. He opens it, sees the Ramens and starts counting)

 

IBRAHIM: One, two, three, for, five, six. Okay. Pleasure, doing business with you.

 

FAITH: You as well.

 

IBRAHIM: Just know that I don’t appreciate your homie back there throwing that shit at my FEET!

 

FAITH: Don’ worry about him.

 

(Ryan takes off his sunglasses and smiles. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Conan, Valerie and Evan in a meeting)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Alright everyone, thank you taking time out of work to come to this budget meeting.

 

ETHAN: What do you mean “time out of work”? This is work!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Not when I make it this fun.

 

CONAN: Don’t, try to make things fun, someone always either gets hurt, cries or is forced to stick his head through one of those Carnival Funny Photo cut-outs.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Those have a great sense of fun!

 

CONAN: No they don’t.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Honey, back me up.

 

VALERIE: No. Can we talk about the budget?

 

ETHAN: I’d like to.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. I know everybody is pumped for budgeting time, we’re gonna submit budget requests to the City Council for fiscal year 2015. Any items you think we’re in need of?

 

ETHAN: The library is in need of repairs. The playground we tore down last year needs to be fenced off, because kids are playing on the wreckage of the playground, and are cutting themselves on sharp wood.

 

CONAN: I’d suggest we go ahead and just haul the wreckage away.

 

ETHAN: I second that.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I see your points, and I’ll take them into consideration, however, there are other potential events on the horizon we need to consider. The Department of Defense called me.

 

EVAN: Like, a person at the Department of Defense, or-?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Nope, the main guy, Secretary Chuck Hagel. He told me that the DoD has surplus weaponry it doesn’t need and that since Hansbay had a riot nine months ago, we qualify for receiving these surplus weapons!

 

CONAN: Whoa, why would we need military-grade weapons?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: To control obstreperous crowds, silly!

 

CONAN: Don’t call me silly, we don’t have any obstreperous crowds!

 

ETHAN: The only reason that riot happened is because you were shot.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: You really don’t think there’s a chance I’ll be shot again?

 

ETHAN: Good point. What about the politics of surplus weapons for cops? It’s a sketchy topic, with strong feelings.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Who cares about the politics of it? I’m retiring after 2016, and Governor Shumlin can easily beat that idiot Scott Milne. That dude doesn’t even know where he was born! “Oh, I was born and raised in Vermont, I take that back, I was born in Brooklyn, and raised by wolves, whoopsie-daisy, they were coyotes-“ he’s the shittiest candidate we could’ve chosen.

 

ETHAN: And another good point from Mayor Sarandon.

 

CONAN: Not a good point! Have you guys learned any lesson from Ferguson?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: From what?

 

CONAN: Okay, so you haven’t learned the name of Ferguson.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: What is he saying to me?

 

VALERIE: Ferguson, Missouri, the place where the race riots happened a couple months ago, because of the shooting of a man named “unarmed teenager Michael Brown”.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh yeah! I remember, that was before Ebola became the hottest trend.

 

CONAN: Hey, Ferguson residents are still holding peaceful protests, to this day.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: That’s the point, we don’t want that here, that’s why we need these weapons.

 

CONAN: We don’t want peaceful protests?!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No, we don’t want peaceful protests that have the potential to turn into violent protests.

 

CONAN: So we don’t want peaceful protests?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Who wants to see the weapons we might get?

 

(Ethan, Evan and Valerie raise their hands)

 

CONAN: Unbelievable!
 

ETHAN: I like weapons! They’re cool! How can I judge before I see the gadgets? It’d be like rating the attractiveness of Inspector Gadget before I see his gadgets!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I’ve heard his gadget is a retractable five inches.

 

ETHAN: That’s not that big.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: BUT it can get anyone pregnant.

 

ETHAN: Is that a feature or a bug?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No condom can hold it back! Go-Go-Gadget break-through!

 

VALERIE: Okay, we’ve definitely gone off the rails here, we’re talking about Inspector Gadget’s dick. That was not on the agenda.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: You’re right, that was not scheduled until next week. So, we already have volunteers to go see the weapons, so we’re going to postpone deciding on this request until they’ve seen them.

 

CONAN: I mean, if everybody’s going, I should go to, maybe then I can talk some sense into you guys.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Alright! Conan’s taggin’!

 

(They all stand up. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Evan, Valerie and Conan standing outside the Air National Guard base in South Burlington, Vermont. They are all wearing coats in front of a warehouse)

 

VALERIE: Isn’t this a National Guard installation?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: It’s the only place they could think of to stash this stuff in Vermont. Until it’s in my basement, of course.

 

(A military General walks over)

 

GENERAL: These will under no circumstances be stored in your basement.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t worry, I have a padlock on my basement.

 

ETHAN: That’s kind of, disturbing.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: My privacy is very important to me.

 

(A general scans his card and the garage door opens, revealing a tank, numerous AK-47s, AR-15s, bazookas and an F-22)

 

ETHAN, BRIAN, VALERIE, CONAN AND EVAN: Whooaaa!!!

 

GENERAL: Congress appropriates way more defense spending than we need. And due to budget cuts, we have even less use for this shit.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: You can’t use it against ISIS, General Williams?

 

GENERAL WILLIAMS: It’s not a ground war. We have all the Tomahawk missiles we need.

 

CONAN: The question we should be asking is, why in God’s name would we need any of these things?!
 

MAYOR SARANDON: To suppress rioting, Conan, how many times must I explain?

 

CONAN: Explain it until it makes sense, we need a bazooka to break-up some rock-throwing teenagers?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Maybe we could save the bazooka for a rainy day. We’ll take it!
 

(Cut to Madeline at the register at the grocery store she works at. A damn-near toothless man is setting won frozen foods on the conveyor, and Madeline is scanning them)

 

MAN: Man, I need me a woman to cook me some food!

 

(Madeline is immediately annoyed and fake smiles while glaring)
 

MADELINE: Ohh.

 

MAN: I got all this frozen stuff, because I ain’t got a woman to cook me nothin’! (The man chuckles as Madeline looks down and starts bagging the food) Would you cook me something?

 

MADELINE: No.

 

MAN: That’s right, you probably got a boyfriend at home you cookin’ for.

 

(Madeline sets the bags of food on the Lazy Susan as the man hands Madeline cash. Madeline gives him change)

 

MADELINE: Have a nice day.

 

MAN: Happy Cookin’!

 

(The man takes his bags of groceries and walks over to a bench in the store. He puts the grocery bags under the bench and then lies down on it and starts sleeping)

 

MADELINE: Is he…? Somebody should do something about that!

 

(Cut to Madeline, Aspen, Ed, Lou, Reid, Tina and ten others in a meeting in the break room)

 

ASPEN: Okay, it’s been over a month since I told you guys to change the image of this place. Can I get a status report?

 

LOU: Yes sir, so far, the re-imagining of this place has been coming along nicely, for starters, we started selling frozen foods like our competitor, and we also put sharp tacks on the letters that make up the store’s title on the front of the store to make sure birds don’t land there and make nests.

 

REID: As you might remember, beforehand, we put nests there to invite the birds to stay on the sign, but now that we have to compete with cold, heartless corporations, we must sacrifice our warm and welcoming image.

 

MADELINE: Can I interrupt?

 

ASPEN: Please do.

 

MADELINE: We’ve gone about this image transformation in the most cynical way possible. This is Portland! People are supposed to be idealistic here! And there’s still a niche market for that! Also, we need to not let homeless people sleep in the store anymore.

 

ASPEN: I thought that’s what we wanted to retain about our progressive image.

 

MADELINE: No, they smell and they’re sexists!

 

LOU: Here’s an idea, a sign that says “no smelly sexists”.

 

ASPEN: We are inclusive here! Alright? Now this re-branding has been a failure, you guys let me down.

 

REID: We won’t let you down, Aspen!

 

ASPEN: You guys already let me down, LISTEN! Okay? Now, despite the fact that you have let me down and our sales are lower than they used to be, we have stabilized our financial situation.

 

MADELINE: Really?

 

ASPEN: Yes. We have enough cash flow to last us for years as long as we already fired everyone except the people in this room.

 

LOU: Wait, what?

 

ASPEN: I fired everyone except you guys.

 

LOU: So we only have fifteen employees now?

 

ASPEN: Yeah. It’s a huge help. I kept you guys on because you tried. And now thanks to all the people I fired, we live to fight another day.

 

MADELINE: Can we still get rid of the homeless people?

 

ASPEN: Well, honestly, it’s hard to tell which ones are homeless and which ones are-

 

MADELINE: Hipsters, that’s true.

 

ASPEN: Yeah, and I just created a dozen or so new homeless people, so, if you see signs of life in their eyes, just poke then away with a broom. Otherwise, tackle them.

 

(Cut to Madeline walking out of the meeting. Oliver walks over holding a bag of groceries)

 

OLIVER: Where are all the employees?

 

MADELINE: All but fifteen people got fired today.

 

OLIVER: Damn. That’s rough.  Luckily, you might get to leave as well.

 

MADELINE: Why?

 

OLIVER: The AFL-CIO visited the campaign office today, and they have positions open for people who want to work with labor organizations and get their vote for November 4th.

 

MADELINE: Is that right?

 

OLIVER: Yes, and I could get you a job.

 

MADELINE: Wow, that’d be great! Better than working at this Godforsaken place.

 

OLIVER: No kidding. I just bought dog food, and the cashier made all these comments about how processed it was. I mean, man was not meant to endure this kind of abuse.

 

MADELINE: Yeah.

 

OLIVER: The catch is, though, the job may not last past November 4th.

 

MADELINE: What?

 

OLIVER: It MAY last past November 4th if you stand out and they want to put you on other AFL-CIO projects, but, if you don’t, then you’d lose it.

 

MADELINE: But if I quit here, then lost the AFL-CIO job in TWO weeks, that would be a disaster, I’d be jobless after two weeks of pay!

 

OLIVER: That’s why you have to stand out! I believe in you, Madeline, that woman who stayed at our house tricked me, but she didn’t trick you. That means something.

 

MADELINE: What are they going to do on election night? Pop champagne and tell us we’re fired?
 

OLIVER: No, they’ll pour bourbon and tell us we’re fired, because Democrats might lose the Senate. OR they’ll continue to employ us because we’re effective at what we do!

 

MADELINE: How are we going to stand out? Are we going to put two fans under Governor Khitzaber’s balls during a debate? Are we going to, put an industrial fan to the side of him so his hair can flow freely in the wind and he can hold up a sword?

 

OLIVER: That’s one idea, but then Representative Richardson might refuse to show up like Rick Scott refused to show up to his debate with Charlie Crist.

 

MADELINE: So what? Richardson has no chance of winning anyway. The concern is our jobs!

 

OLIVER: This is true, which is why you should take this risk! You gotta take risks in life, Maddie. Whether it’s starting a small business or visiting Dallas for the weekend!

 

MADELINE: …I need to think about it.

 

OLIVER: Fine. I’ll see you tonight.

 

MADELINE: Okay.

 

(Madeline kisses Oliver. Cut to Madeline at her cash register. A guy walks up and puts a bouquet of flowers on the conveyor, as well as assorted groceries)

 

GUY’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Maybe she’ll see the bouquet and ask me who it’s for, then I can talk about my girlfriend!  (Madeline scans the bouquet and puts it in a bag, and then starts canning other things) She’s not saying anything, do something to indicate that you want to talk about the flowers and the romance it represents! (The guy raises his eyebrows twice and smiles, and Madeline furrows her eyebrows, clearly creeped out) Shit, that probably just came off as creepy.

 

(The guy stops smiling)

 

MADELINE: …Cash or card?

 

GUY: Card.

 

(The guy swipes his card and Madeline runs her fingers through her hair in frustration. Cut to Ryan sitting with a tutor in the central library at UVM. The tutor is a young, skinny, mousy kind of girl)

 

RYAN: Twenty-one.

 

TUTOR: No, you’re dividing, remember?

 

RYAN: Would that have been right if I was multiplying though?

 

TUTOR: …No, it wouldn’t have been. But that’s okay!
 

RYAN: Ugghh…

 

TUTOR: That’s fine, Ryan, you have trouble with math, lots of people do.

 

RYAN: I don’t know times tables though, and I’m nineteen years old!
 

TUTOR: I know numbers confuse you right now, but some day, you’ll wake up and realize you have cuberty. And a math spurt will follow.

 

RYAN: I don’t see it happening, mathematics just, is not interesting to me!
 

TUTOR: You know what? Let me show you something, it might pique your interest in mathematics a bit.

 

(The tutor takes out her laptop and opens it up. The tutor brings up a video on YouTube showing an animated yellow ball. Every time one of the narrators describe something to be done to the ball, it is done to the ball)

 

MALE NARRATOR: Nancy, I’ve read somewhere that mathematicians have figured out a way to turn a ball inside out.

 

NANCY: Yes, they have Greg.

 

GREG: What’s the big deal? Just poke a hole through it and pull it through.

 

NANCY: Sure, but the point is to do it without making a hole.

 

GREG: But then it seems impossible!
 

NANCY: You’re right, you cannot do it with an ordinary sphere, like a basketball. (The ball momentarily turns into a basketball, but then changes back) You must understand the rules of the game. This sphere is an elastic material that can stretch and bend and pass through itself.

 

RYAN: Huh?

 

TUTOR: Just be open-minded.

 

NANCY: But you cannot rip or puncture the material or it will evaporate. And you cannot crease it, or bend it sharply, lest the same will happen.

 

GREG: If the material can pass through itself, what’s the problem?

 

NANCY: Do you think allowing self-intersections makes it easy? Try it.

 

GREG: I’ll push the two halves right through each other.

 

(As he does that, a ring forms around the equator of the ball that makes it crease, and then evaporate)

 

NANCY: Remember, you cannot tear or crease it, or it will destroy it.

 

GREG: Errgh. Let me try again.

 

(He tries again with a new ball)

 

NANCY: That’s no good either, you’re pinching it infinitely tight.

 

(The ball is pinched tight and explodes again)

 

GREG: ERRGH! Goddamnit!
 

NANCY: Woah, calm down.

 

GREG: There’s no way, it’s impossible!

 

NANCY: To the contrary-

 

GREG: YOU’RE impossible!
 

NANCY: …Anyway, it is surprising, but there’s a way you can do this without creasing, pinching or tearing. Watch this.

 

(The ball goes through confusing phases of stretching, inversion and I don’t even know what to turn inside out)

 

GREG: Is this it? Is this turning a sphere inside out?

 

NANCY: You bet. That was hard to follow, huh?

 

GREG: Yeah, because I’m SO dumb, right?

 

NANCY: Okay, you don’t have to get defensive-

 

GREG: I’m gonna turn it outside in, watch me!
 

(He tries to turn it outside in)

 

NANCY: Greg, don’t mess with it-

 

(Greg creases it and it explodes)

 

GREG: Fuck!

 

NANCY: Jesus Christ Greg, stop that! These theoretical balls are expensive as hell! A shipment is almost as expensive as one of those euthanasia roller coasters!
 

GREG: I’d rather be on one of those right now!

 

NANCY: Oh my God, can we just continue with the demonstration?

 

GREG: Fine, whatever. Just do it.

 

NANCY: Alright, we’ll take it step by step. To turn a sphere inside out under these rules, you have to-

 

(The tutor pauses it)

 

TUTOR: There’s like nineteen minutes of this left, so we don’t have to time to get into it, but you should check this out on your own time, it really makes math interesting to play with these kinds of things.

 

RYAN: But, the substance they’re talking about isn’t real!

 

TUTOR: That’s true, but the ability to figure out how to work with such a substance has real-world applications. And that’s all I’m saying, if you want to do better at math, it’ll be easier if you find something to appreciate about it, for instance, the entire universe can be quantified.

 

RYAN: Oh really? Can you measure happiness?

 

TUTOR: You can measure dopamine levels.

 

RYAN: Damnit.

 

TUTOR: Hit me with another one.

 

RYAN: No, I’m done with this math shit.

 

(Cut to Ryan walking down a hallway with a number 2 pencil in hand, while listening to “Plowing Into The Field of Love” by Iceage. A girl walks out of a nearby room)

 

GIRL: Screw this!
 

(Ryan takes his headphones out)

 

RYAN: What?

 

GIRL: That test-IS THE DEVIL!
 

RYAN: How so?

 

GIRL: I got a forty on it. We didn’t even go over some of the stuff on it in class. Some of it’s not even math, some of it has letters! (Ryan furrows his brow and looks around) All I’m saying is, good luck.

 

(The girl walks away. Ryan shakes his head and walks into the testing room, which is a room full of computers, and people sitting at them taking the test. Professor Kester stands in the corner of the room, overlooking people while proctors assist students. A woman is behind a computer in front of Ryan)

 

WOMAN: Are you here for the test?

 

RYAN: Yeah.

 

WOMAN: May I see your ID?

 

RYAN: Sure.

 

(Ryan takes out his ID and shows it to her)

 

WOMAN: Alrighty, you’ll be at computer 3E.

 

RYAN: Thanks.

 

(Ryan walks over there and sits down. One of the proctors speaks up)

 

PROCTOR: Alright, please sign in and begin the test. You have two hours to complete this. Begin.

 

(Ryan logs in. The first question is “X-3X-X= What now?”)

 

RYAN: …Is it asking me, or asking itself?

 

PROCTOR: Shh!

 

RYAN: Sorry. (Cut to Ryan leaving that room two hours later with a grave look upon his face) Oh, why couldn’t I have had that nice lady from the YouTube video to help me?

 

(Cut to Sheriff Warren in his office, on his computer)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Get off the internet, noob!

 

(Sheriff Warren’s secretary chimes in)

 

SECRETARY: Sir, Mayor Sarandon is here to see you.

 

(Sheriff Warren sits up)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: Oh. Okay. Um… (Sheriff Warren taps his fingers) send him in, I guess.

 

(Mayor Sarandon comes in as Sheriff Warren stands up and extends his hand. Mayor Sarandon takes it and shakes it)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Great to see you, Sheriff.

 

SHERIFF WARREN: You as well, Mr. Mayor.  Sit. (Mayor Sarandon and Sheriff Warren sit down) What can I do for you, sir?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I have a present for you out back. (Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Sheriff Warren standing in the lot behind the police station. Nothing is there) WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?!
 

(Cut to a tank driving down a street in Hansbay. Cars are pulled over to the sides of the road, many are getting out to see what is going on. Cut to Jordan DeFazio getting out of her car to see what’s going on)

 

JORDAN: Dear God, ISIS is invading! And that tank probably shoots Ebola!

 

(Some crazy meth-head comes out of the tank’s hatch)

 

METH-HEAD: MY NAME IS VIVIAN SCALISE, AND I EXIST! ALSO, DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FIRE THIS THING?! (He turns the tank toward people on the sides of the street) WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS?!

 

(People on the sides of the street start running away, screaming. Cut to Mr. Pannell teaching his history class at Hansbay High School)

 

MR. PANNELL: On May 17, 1995, Shawn Nelson, a retired army Veteran and former plumber, stole a tank from a San Diego armory and went on a rampage through the city, costing thousands in property damage before getting caught on something, and then shot by police.

 

(Mrs. Stem comes in)

 

MRS. STEM: We’re going on lockdown, Mr. Pannell.

 

MR. PANNELL: And why’s that? (The lights go off. You see mud spattering against the window as a tank engine roars) GET DOWN, KIDS!
 

(They all get under their desks, including Mr. Pannell. Chris Hayes walks in)

 

CHRIS HAYES: What’s going on?

 

MR. PANNELL: Get down, Chris!
 

CHRIS HAYES: I was in the bathroom.

 

MR. PANNELL: I know! Just get down!

 

CHRIS HAYES: If class is cancelled, then my swag-ass is out of here!

 

(Chris Hayes turns around)

 

MR. PANNELL: No, the school’s on- (Chris Hayes leaves) oh my God, what an idiot.

 

(Cut to Chris Hayes walking outside the school and being on his phone)

 

CHRIS HAYES: Get to go home, but first! Let me take a selfie. (Chris Hayes starts to take a selfie with him making a stupid face. Then once he’s done, he goes to Instagram) Time to Instagram that shit. My caption will be, “derp derp school’s out early”. People will eat it up. I love how writing comedy doesn’t require effort anymore. Send. (Chris Hayes presses send, but then happens upon police pointing guns at the tank, which is stuck in a ditch, trying to revv itself out. Chris Hayes drops his phone) What the…

 

POLICE OFFICER: GET OUT RIGHT NOW OR WE SHOOT THAT ARMORED TANK!
 

POLICE OFFICER 2: Yeah, what are we doing?! We have to open it ourselves, the insides of tanks can survive fire!
 

POLICE OFFICER: Fine, have it your way!

 

(The officers approach the tank with guns drawn and open the hatch. The meth-head comes out with his hands up)

 

METH-HEAD: Hands up! Don’t shoot! #Ferguson!

 

POLICE OFFICER: SHUT UP! (The officer arrests him) You’re under arrest for theft, countless traffic laws, resisting arrest, wanton property damage and from what I can tell- (The Officer pulls out a teenth of meth from his pocket) possession of a teenth of meth!

 

METH-HEAD: The government has PLANS for me, MAN!
 

POLICE OFFICER: Yeah, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you by the state. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?

 

METH-HEAD: I don’t want to hear your poem, JUST GET ME TO A JAIL CELL!

 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting in his office with his head in his hands. Sheriff Warren, Ethan and Valerie are standing in his office)

 

ETHAN: THIS IS A FUCKING DISASTER!
 

(Mayor Sarandon looks up)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: YOU THINK SO?!

 

ETHAN: DON’T! You left a tank back there!
 

SHERIFF WARREN: Sir, anyone could’ve stolen that thing.

 

VALERIE: And, someone did!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: In order to start a tank, you need experience! How was I supposed to know an Iraq veteran would mosey on by?!

 

ETHAN: Does it matter?! You don’t leave a tank unattended in the back of a police station, ever! Goddamnit, we shouldn’t have even taken that surplus weaponry!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t say that! (Mayor Sarandon stands up) This was an investment for the city, I won’t let ANYBODY take that away from me!
 

ETHAN: What about the Federal Government of the United States? They’re taking back all the surplus weaponry as we speak!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: SHIT! (Mayor Sarandon kicks his rolly chair to the wall) …To the window-

 

VALERIE: Don’t. Really? Not now. For a split second, the entire nation’s attention is on you, and this town, and not Ebola or ISIS. And that’s not a good thing!
 

ETHAN: People are going to start asking questions, Brian!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: It’s a failure of the federal government, they gave me the tank! They can’t pin this on me! We can spin it that way!

 

ETHAN: Yeah, that damn Federal Government, giving a MADMAN like Brian Sarandon surplus weapons! Great spin!
 

SHERIFF WARREN: That doesn’t put you or the Federal Government in a positive light.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, God…

 

(Mayor Sarandon sits down. Valerie walks over and starts massaging him)

 

SHERIFF WARREN: You’re lucky no one was hurt.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No ONE except for, (squeaky, whiny voice) me-e!

 

(Mayor Sarandon pats his chest)

 

ETHAN: You’ve gotta be kidding me.

 

VALERIE: Just go out there and apologize. And don’t use the squeaky voice.

 

ETHAN: Put on my sexy face.

 

VALERIE: Enough with your sexy face!

 

ETHAN: Listen, people are going to start demanding resignation.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No, we are not bringing up the R-word!
 

ETHAN: Well, what you did WAS retarded.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: That’s not what I mean by R-word!
 

ETHAN: I know. Listen, this tank ended up stuck outside a high school, could you imagine what might’ve happened to those kids if he hadn’t gotten stuck?

 

(Valerie takes her hands off Mayor Sarandon)

 

VALERIE: Ethan makes a good point.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not resigning. Period.

 

ETHAN: I wouldn’t become acting Mayor if you resigned, Brian. Valerie would.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: But you’d run, wouldn’t you?

 

ETHAN: No. I’ve got no stomach for Mayoral politics.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: WELL I DO! (Mayor Sarandon stands up) And I’m going to go out there to hordes of reporters and make this right!
 

(Mayor Sarandon walks out of the office)

 

ETHAN: Brian, NO!
 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon going out on the front steps of the Mayor’s office, where hordes of reporters are clustered as cameras flash and journalists chant questions. Brian is followed quickly by Ethan, Valerie and Sheriff Warren. Brian takes a microphone)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: QUIET! (The crowd goes silent, and Mayor Sarandon clears his throat) When I saw what happened with that man stealing the tank, I thought “that man is a cowardly, drug-addled, monster!” And when I thought about how the government gave it to me, I thought “the Government is irresponsible for handing out surplus weapons to cities like candy!” And when I realized that I left the tank out there unattended, I realized that I was also at fault for what happened. And I realize that now.

 

(Cut to Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel in a press conference in the Defense Department briefing room)

 

SECRETARY HAGEL: Mayor Sarandon is entirely to blame for what occurred in Hansbay earlier today!

 

REPORTER: But Mr. Secretary, why did the government provide him with these surplus weapons, especially after Ferguson?

 

SECRETARY HAGEL: Just in case of…Ebola!
 

(All the reporters go “ooh”, shake their heads and write that down. Cut to Mayor Sarandon at his press conference)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: To reiterate, I am deeply, DEEPLY sorry.

 

(Mayor Sarandon goes back inside, and is followed by Ethan, Valerie and Sheriff Warren, who meet him inside)

 

ETHAN: Do you really think that’ll work?

 

(Mayor Sarandon smiles)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.

 

(Cut to Anderson Cooper on AC 360)

 

ANDERSON COOPER: To me, Mayor Sarandon seemed way more apologetic than Secretary Hagel did.

 

(Cut to Bill O’Reilly discussing this incident with feminist activist Nina Warren over satellite)

 

BILL O’REILLY: I think the administration is derelicting responsibility here, and I think MY MAN Mayor Sarandon looks like the most responsible and honest one in this whole ordeal! YOU HEAR ME?!

 

NINA: This isn’t even a feminism issue, why’d you invite me here to talk with you about it?!
 

BILL O’REILLY: I JUST LIKE TO YELL AT FEMINISTS SOMETIMES, ALRIGHT?! CUT HER MIC! (Bill turns to another camera) Next up, should we take stool samples at airports from anyone who is black and makes less than 60,000 dollars a year, so as to prevent Ebola from entering the country? We’ll discuss this with feminist activist Nina Warren.

 

(Cut to Wolf Blitzer speaking with John King on CNN)

 

WOLF BLITZER: Some are asking, “couldn’t that tank have been used against ISIS instead of given to some mid-sized town Mayor?”

 

JOHN KING: People are asking that, all over Twitter, and despite some recent major setbacks for ISIS, they are right. Tanks could really put a dent in those guys.

 

WOLF: But then we’d need to commit to a ground war.

 

JOHN: Well, Ferguson, Missouri was a ground war for a while, why not one over there?

 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Valerie, Evan and Conan watching the news coverage in the break room at the Mayor’s office)

 

ETHAN: …Oh my God, you might survive this.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Isn’t it great? There’s nothing like a narrative to save ass.

 

(Cut to Madeline walking into her house. Oliver comes out of the kitchen wearing a leather apron and leather gloves)

 

OLIVER: Hey sweetie!
 

MADELINE: Wow, who are you dismembering right now?

 

OLIVER: Oh- (He looks down at his leather apron) this? No, I was just cooking us some dinner. And this is the only apron we had.

 

MADELINE: Why do we have that-

 

OLIVER: It was a gift from Governor Khitzaber’s office for all the campaigning, everyone got one.

 

MADELINE: Weird gift.

 

OLIVER: Yeah. So do you want to help me with this meatloaf?

 

MADELINE: Before I do that, I’d like to discuss what we talked about earlier today.

 

OLIVER: Okay. (Oliver puts his leather apron to the side and removes his leather gloves and crosses his arms) What’s up, Maddie?

 

MADELINE: I was thinking about what you said, and I have to say, I am tired of working at that grocery store. People say Portlanders are so nice and polite, well, some did not get the memo.

 

OLIVER: People are human no matter where you go, I suppose. Unless it’s Wall Street.

 

MADELINE: Well, anyway, I’m just thinking that this job might be my best bet, and I shouldn’t let it go by.

 

OLIVER: I’m glad you think that way.

 

MADELINE: But we need insurance just in case it goes away after November 4th.

 

OLIVER: And how do you suggest we do that?

 

MADELINE: I have no idea.

 

OLIVER: You just have a concept of maybe we should have insurance, perhaps?

 

MADELINE: Yeah. Kind of a rough outline of an idea.

 

OLIVER: I mean, hey, our landlords are our friends, we could negotiate with them to lower our rent a bit so we can save up for any joblessness we may find in the future.

 

MADELINE: There’s an idea. I mean, it’s not like I’ll be long-term unemployed, I could get another job after November 4th, I mean, it didn’t take long for me to find that grocery store job.

 

OLIVER: Exactly, we should be fine. And hey, if all else fails, we can always join the over-crowded market of roadside t-shirt sellers that makes up 80% of Portland’s economy.

 

MADELINE: This is true, I’m thinking a shirt that shows a lowercase g and then an uppercase G, and it says “That’s the life of a G, I guess”.

 

OLIVER: That’s terrible.

 

MADELINE: I know, it’ll sell like mad.

 

(Cut to Madeline and Oliver sitting on their couch, across from Helen, Britney, Bryce, Will and Britney’s dog, Loyal)

 

OLIVER: Hey guys! Thanks so much for comin’ over. Really appreciate it. I also really appreciate how you’ve been treating us as tenants, you don’t seem to mind if we’re a day or two late with our rent, or anything like that. And I appreciate that.

 

MADELINE: And I like how you guys still come over to hang out, and I also love how you feel at home here, because technically you are, at home here. And you take advantage of it by eating our food, drinking our alcohol and pissing on the toilet seats, it’s endearing.

 

BRYCE: Thank you.

 

OLIVER: That being said, we are in a weird situation right now. (Loyal barks) And-(Oliver looks at Loyal for a second) um, anyway, Madeline is about to take a temporary job with the AFL-CIO to campaign for Democratic candidates who are pro-labor, but we’re not sure if she’ll be able to keep it past November 4th, but she might, however, we do want some insurance in case she doesn’t, so, we might need a temporary reduction in rent if that’s alright with you guys.

 

BRYCE: We need to have a landlord meeting real quick.

 

MADELINE: By all means,

 

(Bryce, Helen, Britney and Will all whisper to one another, and then turn back to Madeline and Oliver)

 

WILL: We are more than willing to reduce your rent if you allow us to get more trashed, more faded and more turnt than ever here.

 

MADELINE: …Okay, it’s not like it’s up us, but alright.

 

WILL: Hey, trust me, we were being polite by drinking only as much as we did, as opposed to even more.

 

OLIVER: That’s all fine, guys.

 

WILL: …Alright then. Let’s talk numbers.

 

(Loyal barks)

 

BRITNEY: Sorry, Loyal does not have a good sense of comedic timing.

 

(Cut to Ryan sitting in his dorm on his laptop. Faith comes in)

 

FAITH: Ebola is now only 5 and a half hours away from us!
 

RYAN: They confirmed that doctor had Ebola?

 

FAITH: In New York City! I mean, that’s a dense city. And that guy went bowling in Brooklyn!

 

RYAN: I guess they’ll have to round up all the people he went bowling with, and all the people who participated in the Doctors Without Borders orgy that occurs every time a Doctor returns from West Africa.

 

FAITH: Are you serious?

 

RYAN: No, I’m fucking with you.

 

FAITH: So they don’t have an orgy?

 

RYAN: No, dude. They’re called Doctors Without Borders, but they don’t have orgies. As far as I know. Listen, we live very far away from the virus, it’s closer to us than before, but whatever, it’s still far away.

 

FAITH: You know what’s closer, though? Ottawa. And the madman who just shot up Canadian Parliament. That’s three and a half hours from here!
 

RYAN: I don’t understand, why do people feel compelled to mention their proximity to news stories? Like, how does it give you a special perspective unless you’re there?

 

FAITH: Because we live in Vermont and NOTHING ever happens here!
 

RYAN: Fair point. But what I would like to worry about is the, horrendous grade I got on my math test.

 

FAITH: What did you get?

 

RYAN: A forty.

 

FAITH: Oh, wow. That’s, bad.

 

RYAN: Yeah. Really bombed the thing.

 

FAITH: Maybe you need a tutor.

 

RYAN: I have a tutor.

 

FAITH: Maybe you need a therapist.

 

RYAN: I have a shrink.

 

FAITH: Maybe you need God.

 

RYAN: Alright.

 

(Ryan puts his headphones on and starts staring at his computer. Faith sits down on his bed)

 

FAITH: You and your atheism, jeez.

 

RYAN: I’m not an atheist, I’m an agnostic. (Someone knocks on the door) Come in!
 

(Ibrahim walks in)

 

IBRAHIM: What are you boys doing?

 

RYAN: Nothin’.

 

FAITH: I was talking about Ryan’s atheism-

 

(Ryan throws a sock at Faith)

 

RYAN: Shut up, dude!
 

IBRAHIM: Now, now, boys. What is all this about?

 

RYAN: I got a forty on my math test, that’s what it’s about!

 

IBRAHIM: Ryan, you can do better than that.

 

RYAN: Math is hard, man!

 

IBRAHIM: Math can be interesting, though, if you dig a little deeper.

 

RYAN: People keep telling me that, but I don’t see it.

 

(An Indian dude walks in)

 

INDIAN GUY: (Indian accent) Hey.

 

RYAN: Hi, Shivendu.

 

SHIVENDU: What are you guys talking about?

 

RYAN: Math, and how it sucks.

 

FAITH: I kind of see Ryan’s perspective though, there are some parts of math I don’t get either, like why does one divided by zero equal undefined?

 

(Ibrahim and Shivendu sit down)

 

IBRAHIM: Because you can’t divide anything by zero, there’s no possible answer to that question.

 

FAITH: Wouldn’t it just be zero?

 

RYAN: No, because you can’t split something in half and get nothing, that makes no sense.

 

FAITH: Oh, I’m supposed to trust Ryan the mathematician over here then, huh?

 

SHIVENDU: He’s right in this case, just not in most cases. And I’m speaking generally, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Right, so not just math.

 

SHIVENDU: Yeah.

 

RYAN: Thanks.

 

IBRAHIM: The point is, you can’t take something, like, this apple- (Ibrahim takes an apple from a bowl Ryan has on his fridge) if you split this apple in two, you’d get two halves of an apple. But you can’t divide by nothing, so the answer is undefined.

 

FAITH: What? No. I refuse. It can’t be undefined, how can an answer to an equation be a word?

 

RYAN: You can’t refuse math, Faith!

 

FAITH: I refuse!
 

IBRAHIM: It’d be like, trying to take this apple and share it with two different people, that’s easy, just cut it in half, but if I wanted to share it with zero people, then I couldn’t do that, that makes no sense.

 

FAITH: Then wouldn’t the answer just be the original number? Or one?

 

SHIVENDU: No, it’d be undefined.

 

FAITH: How?!

 

IBRAHIM: The Law of Conservation of Mass dictates that matter can neither be created nor destroyed, therefore, you cannot divide SOMETHING into NOTHING.

 

(Ryan looks down, in deep thought)

 

FAITH: So no action has taken place, so it’s not undefined.

 

IBRAHIM: Allah Ackbar, this is going nowhere.

 

RYAN: You can’t just deny math, Faith, aren’t you going into aerospace engineering?

 

FAITH: I will send men into space with an apple and force them to cut it in half and throw it into a black hole just to prove you guys wrong.

 

SHIVENDU: That still wouldn’t prove us wrong, but, whatever.

 

RYAN: At least he’s passionate.

 

FAITH: I think differently than others.

 

RYAN: Sure. (Cut to Ryan outside his math class, standing there. He takes a deep breath, and then walks in. He attempts to avoid eye contact with Profesor Kester, and he goes and sits next to some brunette dude) Hey, Jim.

 

JIM: Hey. How was the test?

 

RYAN: Oh, Lord.

 

(Jim laughs)

 

JIM: Apparently a lot of people failed it.

 

(Professor Kester turns to the class)

 

PROFESSOR KESTER: Attention, class. (They all turn their attention toward him) So, the midterm was an absolute disaster. (They all laugh, including Ryan) A lot of people bombed it. Apparently there were some questions on there that we did not go over in class. That is our bad. I am prepared to add fifteen points to everyone’s grade as reparation for that, or you can opt out and instead take this 15% off gift card for- (Kester pulls out a Gift Card) Kester’s Model Airplane Emporium. Any takers? (No one says anything. Kester puts the gift card on the desk) I’ll leave that there in case your change your mind. Alright, so if you’re having trouble with math, please, go to the Math clinic. It is an invaluable tool to have at your disposal. Or get tutoring. Or come to class. Or at least read the syllabus, I have been getting e-mails today asking me “is it too late to take the test?” and- (People laugh) “since when is there a midterm?” So, do keep up. And if you need help from me, see me after class and I’ll let you know where you are in the class and whether or not you should go up to the roof, jump off and get it over with.

 

(The class laughs. Cut to Ryan exiting the building, later, with his backpack on. He is listening to “The Lord’s Favorite” by Iceage. He walks towards the research building while this song plays over the episode. Cut to Ethan, Evan and Valerie standing by on the front steps of the Mayor’s office. Mayor Sarandon is shaking hands with Principal Maxell while cameras flash before them. Ethan looks down at his feet, furrows his brow and licks his lips with disbelief. Cut to Madeline walking into an AFL-CIO office. She shakes hands with Blardo “The Machine” Cantankerbot from TDEP114. He has her sit and they begin the job interview. As Blardo is talking, he sees the Grim Reaper in his window, pointing at him, holding a picture of Harry Reid. He notices this, but then it disappears. He pauses and quickly takes Madeline’s application and puts a stamp of approval on it and shakes Madeline’s hand. Madeline is surprised. Cut to Ryan walking out to the parking lot one night. Michelle gets out of her car to greet him, and they hug as the camera zooms out, the song wraps up, and we fade to black)

 

THE END


Submitted: October 24, 2014

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