The Donahues Episode 196

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Oliver is offered a long-term job and must consider his future with Madeline, Rob is infuriated by Ethan and Jamie’s relationship and Ryan is intrigued by an offer from a fellow dorm resident







“Confusion in her eyes that says it all. She's lost control. And she's clinging to the nearest passerby, she's lost control. And she gave away the secrets of her past and said I've lost control again, and of a voice that told her when and where to act, she said I've lost control again”

  • Ian Curtis


(We start with Oliver walking into the lobby of the Kitzhaber campaign office. He is stopped in his tracks when he sees a man lying down on the lobby’s couch, eating bologna. He walks over to him)


OLIVER: Is this real life?


GUY ON COUCH: This is real Chad. I’m Chad.


OLIVER: Chad, you need to, move on. You’re loitering, and I’m pretty sure you’re high.


CHAD: Whatever, fascist! The law says you can eat bologna on a couch in Oregon now!

OLIVER: I know, but-wait, no, the law says you can smoke marijuana in Oregon legally, but that doesn’t mean you can loiter! Also, that law doesn’t even go into effect until July 2015.


CHAD: Bologna is a human right.


OLIVER: Are you even high?


CHAD: I tried to get weed from the Oregon Pro-legalization people on Tuesday, but they blew through all their weed the week before and had nothing but residue to smoke once the measure passed.


OLIVER: Of course they did. Get out of here!

(Blardo walks over to Oliver)


BLARDO: Mulvaney!


(Oliver turns to Blardo)


OLIVER: Mr. Cantankerbot, good morning.


BLARDO: Where’s Madeline?


OLIVER: She works at the AFL-CIO building, sir. So do you.


BLARDO: Then why do I spend so much time here?

OLIVER: Because you heavily influence Governor Kitzhaber, although, you really shouldn’t, I’m pretty sure your involvement is illegal.


BLARDO: Not since Citizens United, Oliver.


OLIVER: Are you sure about that?


BLARDO: Listen, kid, I just spoke to-I mean, I just, telepathically communicated with the Director of Kitzhaber’s campaign, and he wants you to work on Senator Wyden’s re-election campaign in 2016.


OLIVER: Wow, really?


BLARDO: Yes. But we can’t take anything for granted. Democrats got cock-punched last Tuesday. Who knows if they’ll even exist in 2016. My bet is on yes, but, they said that about the Anti-Federalists too.


OLIVER: Those guys all died in duels.


BLARDO: Exactly, and Democrats aren’t fans of guns. One Democrat running for Senate, who I will not name, did an ad where he shot a gun, and the blowback from shooting the gun hurt his shoulder so much, he couldn’t campaign for a week.


OLIVER: Yeah, we really need to stop pretending we’re something we’re not.


BLARDO: Point is, we need people like you. Even though the Kitzhaber election was too close, I don’t blame you for that anymore, you did the best that you could. It was lazy-ass Oregon liberals who couldn’t be bothered to put down the joint, buy an automatic, organic cat-feeder, step away from their obscure record collection and go vote.


OLIVER: Exactly, and I thank you for putting in a good word for me, but what about Madeline?


BLARDO: She will be thanked for her work for the AFL-CIO, but, we have no money to, pay her to do much of anything else, into the future.


OLIVER: Wait, you’re letting her go?


BLARDO: Yes, we are, I apologize for that-


OLIVER: You expect me to jump on board the ship when you put my girl on the plank?


BLARDO: LISTEN, Mulvaney! You think you’re crucial to this operation?! You think we “need” you?! Do you expect me to get down on my knees and gyrate in front of your crotch as if I’m sucking your dick because I don’t actually want to suck your dick but I would simulate doing it to mock you?! We’re giving you a CHANCE to be that important to us, you don’t have that importance already, so we’re not going to take DEMANDS from you! This campaign is time-consuming, you won’t be able to see much of your bae in the next two years! BUT this is a stepping stone to working in D.C. or perhaps a swing state like Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania or apparently Illinois! So either go up there and accept that job or fuck off and never work in Oregon politics again because of how you almost lost Kitzhaber the Governorship!


(Blardo walks away from a shocked and contemplative Oliver. Cut to Ryan in his dorm room, wearing a beanie and lighting a bong on his bed and taking a puff. Faith comes in)


FAITH: Dude, what the fuck?


RYAN: What?


FAITH: I can smell that from the hallway!


RYAN: It’s fine, the RA and I are bros. And he smokes cigarettes in his room!


FAITH: Right, but he’s the RA! And nobody gives a shit about cigs, but weed is illegal and has a very strong smell, come on man, put it out. What are you even doing drugs for, aren’t you a former addict?


RYAN: You can’t be addicted to weed, Faith. I wish I lived in Washington DC.


(Ryan puts his bong on his desk)




(Faith sits at his desk)


RYAN: Because voters approved a weed legalization initiative in DC on Tuesday.


FAITH: Are you serious?


RYAN: Yeah.


FAITH: Wow. The President can get high.


RYAN: And he should! He deserves to relieve some of the stress from the dismal night Democrats had on Tuesday. Maybe he could put some Adventure Time on C-SPAN and let everyone relax and forget about this political shit for a while.


(Faith laughs)


FAITH: Was the Governor’s election in Vermont decided?


RYAN: Weirdly enough, because neither Governor Shumlin nor Scott Milne got 50% of the vote, the Vermont legislature has to decide who becomes Governor in January. And even oddlier, that’s a word-


FAITH: No it’s not-


RYAN: Chittenden County voted Republican. This country is so red now, it’s like it’s embarrassed, and it SHOULD BE! The Committee on Science in the Senate will be chaired by Global Warming Denier James Inhofe come January. He’ll probably blame Mexican drug gangs for killing our polar bears to keep them quiet.


FAITH: Gosh. Who are they going to choose for Governor?


RYAN: The Vermont legislature is controlled by Democrats, and Shumlin got slightly more votes than Milne, so they’ll pick Shumlin. But still, if my dad didn’t drop out of the Governor’s race months ago, Shumlin would’ve done a lot better.


FAITH: Your dad ran for Governor?


RYAN: Yeah, I never told you that?


FAITH: Yeah, you never completed the story about your time in Iraq either!


RYAN: Maybe someday.


FAITH: Seriously?


(Someone knocks on the door)


RYAN: Come in!

(Michelle comes in)


MICHELLE: I’m back from WHAAA?!


(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: It’s not what you think! Faith and I are just friends!

FAITH: We’re fully clothed.


MICHELLE: I’m talking about the bong, Ryan!

RYAN: Oh. (Ryan sits down) It’s been a stressful week.


MICHELLE: It’s Monday.


RYAN: Fine, Princess Literal, last week was stressful.


MICHELLE: Why? Because of the midterms?


RYAN: Not only that, not even mostly that, mostly because I can’t get better at math and I don’t feel like I’m going to graduate unless I get better at math.


(Michelle sits on Ryan’s bed, and Ryan sits down as well)


MICHELLE: Don’t be discouraged. You’re just setting yourself up for failure.


RYAN: I was setting myself up for failure by being born.


MICHELLE: Are you going to shed a single, black tear now? (Ryan chuckles) Why all this doom and gloom?


RYAN: Because I’m not good at changing!


MICHELLE: You got off drugs! Sort of.


FAITH: I’m going to play Call Of Duty.


(Faith gets on his computer and puts on a headset)


MICHELLE: I should take you somewhere, to cheer you up. I think you’re just depressed.


RYAN: Probably.


MICHELLE: Have you been taking your pills?


RYAN: I don’t have pills.


MICHELLE: …Wow, we need to change that. (Ryan grabs his bong and lights it and inhales, then exhales) You better hope the fire alarm doesn’t go off.


RYAN: I’m not smoking popcorn, so I’ll be fine.


MICHELLE: Wow, you are high.


(Ryan laughs. Cut to Ryan and Michelle at an iHop)


RYAN: This, is the ultimate college place to eat. Other than, literally anywhere cheaper.


MICHELLE: They don’t even sell food here, they sell salt, sugar and fat.


(Pan to a waitress near them writing something down on her pad)


WAITRESS: Okay, and what’ll you have, sir?


MICHELLE: You thought I ordered “salt, sugar and fat”? Where did you come from?


WAITRESS: I’ve been here. What can I get for ya, sir?


RYAN: I’ll have the blueberry crepes.


WAITRESS: And for you, ma’am?


MICHELLE: I’ll have eggs, toast and bacon.


WAITRESS: Wonderful!


(The waitress takes their menus)


RYAN: She was nice.


MICHELLE: Ryan, what’d you do to your hand?


(Ryan holds up his hand to see a bandage still there)


RYAN: Oh yeah, that’s still there. I cut it.


MICHELLE: On what?


RYAN: Your heart?


MICHELLE: I really hope that’s not a lyric of yours.


RYAN: I think Fantano would give my next album a light to decent 3 if that were the case.


MICHELLE: The cut, Ryan! The cut!

RYAN: I did it.


MICHELLE: Oh, God. You were doing so well!

RYAN: It was just once, I’m over it, I had an off day.


MICHELLE: You’re having an off day now! You’re stoned and bleeding!


RYAN: Like Jesus!

(Ryan snaps his finger and the waitress comes over)




RYAN: What’d I tell ya? I’m a miracle worker.


MICHELLE: This is blasphemy.


RYAN: Luckily neither of us believe in Jesus, so I can say that!


WAITRESS: Sorry, do you need assistance?


RYAN: You can go. Thanks for being so close, though.


(The waitress smiles and walks away)


MICHELLE: She’s nice.


RYAN: Yeah. Anyway, you don’t need to worry about me. Worry about your job at the gym. Worry about your parents coming to kill you in the middle of the night. Considering where you live, worry about anyone coming to kill you in the middle of the night.


MICHELLE: Is this supposed to make me feel better?


RYAN: I thought so, but I’m kind of high.


MICHELLE: I do worry about you, Ryan. I can’t help it, considering your history.


RYAN: Do we want to spend our time worrying? Or living? I choose to live. So what do we want to do today?


MICHELLE: I mean, I can’t do anything besides this, today, really, I have to work. But tomorrow we should do something.


RYAN: Alright! What should we do?


MICHELLE: …Well, there’s Casino Night on campus tomorrow. We’ll go to that.


RYAN: Awesome, get a nice gambling addiction going.


MICHELLE: It’s all for charity.


RYAN: Which charity?


MICHELLE: Carter Blood care. They take your blood at each craps table and then steal your wallet once you pass out from the lack of blood. For charity.


RYAN: Hmm. Do you want to have breakfast that morning too?




RYAN: Cool. I’ll see ya then. Love you, bae.


MICHELLE: Love you too.


(Ryan hangs up. Cut to Ryan in his dorm, on his computer. He is eating some Doritos and watching something on his computer and laughing) It’s a new twist on an old classic!! (He laughs some more, but the suddenly stops laughing) Oh wait. It’s just a video of the Star Wars Kid upside down and inverted. Wow, I’m high. And shit, you do not have to put effort in to get views on YouTube. (Ryan pauses the video and puts his laptop aside) I probably have another twenty minutes until my roommate gets back from whatever he’s doing. So, I guess I could… (Ryan unzips his pants and takes out his dick and starts rubbing it. But then, he hears some ringtone going off through the wall, in the other room, and he stops rubbing) What the….? (The ringtone goes off for a bit longer before stopping) Huh. Well, anyway. (Ryan keeps rubbing) Oh. Ohhhh…OH! (He starts cumming) EURRRGHH!!! (Cut to Ryan with his pants on holding a jizz rag and pulling the trash can out from under his desk to see it overflowing) Fuck. If I put anything else in there it’ll create like a black hole. Uhhh… (Ryan goes over to Faith’s trash can and throws the cum rag in there. He hears the ringtone go off again in the room next to him) Goddamn, that’s like the sixth time in a row that’s gone off. Somebody calls you that many times, you should be sure as shit someone close to you is dead. Also, it’s annoying, so I should go stop it. (Ryan walks out of his dorm suite and goes to the dorm suite next to him. He walks in and goes to room 114 A. He knocks on the door) Hello? (He waits, and then knocks some more) Hello?!


(He waits, and then looks around. The ringtone goes off again. Ryan opens the door to see it is dark in there. He sees the phone going off on the bed. Ryan tries to go for it, but the light suddenly come on, and a white, blonde, curly-haired college student is revealed to be sitting in a chair in the room)


STUDENT: Hello there.


RYAN: AHH! I’m so sorry, I thought this was my room, I’m high as fuck, I don’t know!

STUDENT: Not as high as you could be.


RYAN: What?


STUDENT: I see my ringtone lure worked.


RYAN: Your what?


STUDENT: My ringtone lure. I put that ringtone on repeat in a dorm right next to a potential customer’s dorm, and I see if I can lure them to the room to do business with me. You see, I don’t even live in this dorm.


RYAN: Then how-


STUDENT: I figured out when this guy has class and I know he doesn’t lock his door. Plus, you seemed like the kind of person who might appreciate my product.


RYAN: Which is…? (The student pulls a baggie of ecstasy out of his pocket and throws it on the table) Wow. It’s weird that you went to such convoluted lengths to get me to speak to you when you could’ve just asked me if I wanted X.


STUDENT: I’m more careful than that. The school’s been known to plant druggie-looking students on campus to catch people like me.


RYAN: Really?


STUDENT: Yeah, they’re sneaky like that. So, you want drugs?


RYAN: Uhh…(Ryan’s lip quivers) I-I-I have weed in the other room, I’m…fine.


STUDENT: Weed is for 8th graders, dude. You should partoke in a bit of X, I mean, surely you’ve had it before.


RYAN: …I’m not even at a party or a rave or anything, though.


STUDENT: Well, surely we can change that, (The student picks up his phone) do you have a boner right now?


RYAN: I just jerked off, so…


STUDENT: So it should be flaccid.


RYAN: I really want drugs.


(Cut to Ethan sitting on his couch, holding his head in his hands)


ETHAN: I don’t know why you insist on doing this, Jamie!

(Jamie comes in)


JAMIE: On doing WHAT?! Being proud of our relationship?!


(Ethan lifts his head up)


ETHAN: Giving Kimberly what she wants! She CLEARLY wants Rob to try to interfere with our relationship so she can assure I have no chance of being happy.


JAMIE: She seemed like she just didn’t want Rob to find out, but I don’t want her to boss me around!

ETHAN: Well, she is your boss!

JAMIE: She’s not the boss of my personal life! She’s not Henry Ford, sending social engineers to make sure I live my life correctly! But honestly, do you really think Rob is going to travel ALL the way across the country just to screw with our relationship?


(The doorbell rings)


ETHAN: If that’s Rob or Kimberly’s social engineers, I’m gonna flip a shit.


JAMIE: Hold on a hot second.


(Jamie walks over to the door and looks through the peephole to see Rob standing there. She backs up from it in shock. Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: What?


JAMIE: SHH! (Jamie walks over to Ethan, and starts whispering) It’s Rob.


ETHAN: Oh my God.


JAMIE: What do we do?


ETHAN: We don’t answer the door, that’s my solution. And I like my solution! I think it’s one of the better solutions I’ve come up with this year.


(Rob starts knocking on the door)


ROB: (Through the door) Hot dog, here! Get your hot dog, here!

ETHAN: That’s his cover? He wants us to believe he’s a door-to-door ball park Hot Dog vendor?


ROB: (Through the door) Jehovah ’s Witness here, open up!

JAMIE: Wow, that’s even less effective. Call Kimberly, see if she can’t talk some sense into this cat.


(Ethan takes out his phone and calls Kimberly. Cut to Kimberly on her back porch. She is sipping tea and is wrapped in a blanket)


KIMBERLY: I live for moments like this. (Kimberly gets a phone call and takes out her phone and answers) Hello, everything else?


ETHAN: (On the phone) Kimberly, Rob is at the door of my apartment right now, you need to call him and tell him to FUCK OFF.


KIMBERLY: Jesus, is he really?




KIMBERLY: Well, you know Jamie is responsible for this, right?


ETHAN: I don’t care, just call him!


KIMBERLY: Alright, and don’t worry, he won’t really use the bat.


ETHAN: The what?


KIMBERLY: Nothing. Bye.


(Kimberly hangs up. Kimberly calls Rob. Cut to Rob outside Ethan’s apartment, knocking on the door)


ROB: This is the police, I know you have drugs in there, open up! (Long pause, and then he knocks again) I am a vacuum salesman, I only need one moment of your time- (Rob gets a phone call, and he answers it) Hello, this is vacuum salesman.


KIMBERLY: Go home, Rob.


ROB: What are you talking about? I’m in Los Angeles with some biatches.


KIMBERLY: Everything else, I mean, Rob, I know you’re not in Los Angeles with some biatches. You’re in Hansbay, outside of Ethan’s door and you NEED TO FUCKING LEAVE!


ROB: Kimberly, (whispering) he stole my girl! Would you be okay if somebody started dating Ethan?


KIMBERLY: Somebody IS dating Ethan! And it’s Jamie! And yes, I’m okay with it, because Ethan is my ex. And Jamie is your ex. So you should be okay with it too, you don’t own her. Not when you were married, not now.


ROB: He called you, didn’t he?!


KIMBERLY: He doesn’t want you to do anything rash!



ROB: Will he pay for my plane ticket back?


KIMBERLY: Did you really fly here?


ROB: No! I strapped on a diaper and drove here, I left on Friday.


KIMBERLY: That’s…insane!


ROB: All I want to do is talk to Jamie! That’s all!


ROB: I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT, SIS SCUM! (Rob throws his phone aside and kicks in the door and runs in) JAMIE!! (He sees no is in the apartment, and there’s an open window. He runs out onto the balcony and he sees Ethan’s car pulling away, and going onto the road) SHIT! I lost her. Again. I could chase after them by jumping into the front window of a car while it’s moving to steal it, but, that’s too hard to do in real life. Also, I’ve spent too much time thinking about it, so it’d be no use anyway, they’ve already escaped. UNTIL NOW!

(Rob runs out of the apartment. Cut to Ethan driving his car with Jamie in the passenger seat)



ETHAN: Where?!

JAMIE: Anywhere! Away from the madness! The drama! The straight man-strange man dynamics!



JAMIE: What?!

ETHAN: My dad had this old cabin up in New Hampshire, I wanna see if it’s still there.


JAMIE: Can I play TF2 online there?


ETHAN: No, Jamie, you can’t.


JAMIE: Let’s find a B and B with Wi-Fi then.


ETHAN: We’re going to this cabin, Jamie! This’ll be great. I’ll show you the wonders of nature.


JAMIE: How do you figure it’s still there? Or it’s not owned by someone else now?


ETHAN: Even if it is, it’s a summer home, so no one will be there.


JAMIE: So we’ll be squatters?


ETHAN: YES! Because we need to escape so-called civilized society!


JAMIE: What the hell are you talking about, Ethan?! You shave every ten hours, since when are you a minimalist hippie?


ETHAN: I guess since I met a gamer indoorsman like you.


JAMIE: Indoorswoman.


ETHAN: Sorry.


JAMIE: Yeah.


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: You’re ready for this?


JAMIE: Yeah.


ETHAN: Did you pack your hiking boots?


JAMIE: I don’t have, hiking-


ETHAN: I’m sure they have them at this 7-11 coming up.


(Ethan turns into a 7-11. Cut to Oliver sitting in his car outside his house. He looks nervous and is tapping on the steering wheel. He gets out of the car and walks towards the house. He opens the door and walks in to see Madeline sitting on the couch, reading A Portrait of Dorian Gray)


OLIVER: Hi, Maddie.


(Madeline puts the book down)


MADELINE: Blardo fired me.


OLIVER: I’m so sorry, Maddie.


(Oliver goes and puts his arm around her and sits next to her)


MADELINE: He fired me by telling me “you’re done in this business, kid!” and then threw the coffee he just made me out the window. He then told me it was nothing personal.


OLIVER: Oh God, Blardo.


MADELINE: Did you get fired too?


OLIVER: Um…not exactly.


MADELINE: What do you mean?


OLIVER: What is the opposite of getting fired?


MADELINE: Getting frozen?


OLIVER Yes. They’re cryogenically freezing me until the 2016 primaries. I’m gonna be working for them, Maddie, they promoted me.


MADELINE: Oh. Wow. Congratulations.


OLIVER: Thanks.


MADELINE: Then why did I get canned?


OLIVER: I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s fair.


MADELINE: Yeah, me neither! Are you going to talk to Blardo?


OLIVER: Being an employee of the Oregon Democratic Party, I am not legally allowed to speak to Blardo. Nor is he allowed to speak to me.


MADELINE: I wish that rule applied to me, Blardo’s ex-wife and his children, but why is that the case anyway?


OLIVER: He’s in the AFL-CIO and if they coordinated with a campaign, that would be a crime, due to its corruptive nature.


MADELINE: He was at the election party, wasn’t he?!

OLIVER: He shouldn’t have been. We could get in a lot of trouble for that, I don’t wanna risk it.


MADELINE: Yeah, we wouldn’t survive a day in prison.




MADELINE: Crushing rocks all day, getting in choreographed knife-fights with born-again, off-again Muslims and Nazi skin-heads, it would just not be good-


OLIVER: I mean-


MADELINE: Plus, the butt rape, OH, the butt rape!

OLIVER: You don’t get, prison time, for this crime, you get…fined.


MADELINE: Wow. Election law in this country is out of whack.




MADELINE: So what are your hours going to be like? It’s two years until the next election, they can’t be that bad.


OLIVER: I wish you were right about that.




OLIVER: We’re preparing well in advance to try to get the Senate back, to keep the Presidency, to make sure the Governor’s race isn’t as close as it was on Tuesday.


MADELINE: Maybe take back the House?


(Oliver chuckles)


OLIVER: That’s cute, Maddie. But demographically speaking, the Democrats have little chance of taking back the House until you are twenty-nine years old, at the earliest. But don’t worry. Our problems don’t need to be solved that urgently.


MADELINE: Wait, how would you be working on national campaigns? You’re working for the Oregon Democratic Party, right?


OLIVER: For now. But they say they’re going to test me out with some of the off-year elections in 2015, and see how I do. If I do well, I’m well on my way to national politics in 2016.


MADELINE: But you’re my age!


OLIVER: It doesn’t seem to matter to them. They see something in me.


MADELINE: Despite how you failed their weird little test last month?!


OLIVER: Kitzhaber still won, in a year where the guy running for Governor of Massachusetts lost. So I must’ve done something. And the hours are long, and grueling. I will have to buff up more smiles and deliver more white babies for candidates to kiss than I’ve ever done in my lifetime.


MADELINE: God, but the hours were long as hell during the campaign, now they’re going to be longer?! We barely saw each other during the campaign!


(Oliver leans forward)


OLIVER: I know, I know, Maddie, but this is how it needs to be, this is my dream! This is something I love doing!


MADELINE: What about our dream of moving to Portland and being with each other, HERE?!


OLIVER: We’ll make time together!

(Madeline stands up and walks to the other side of the room and then faces Oliver)


MADELINE: JESUS, you never even saw your daughter in Seattle!

(Oliver stands up)


OLIVER: THAT IS NOT MY FAULT, THAT PSYCHO BITCH WON’T LET ME SEE HER! She tried to pencil me in, but Alexa has all these toddler in tiaras events to go to, and my ex keeps putting her on the phone, and trains her to blow me off. Her first words were “rain check, daddy”.


MADELINE: Oh my God. I’m sorry.




MADELINE: But still, I don’t know anybody here, and I can’t handle being ALONE all the time!


OLIVER: You have your friends at work!



OLIVER: Oh yeah. Sorry.


MADELINE: Jesus Christ, we’ve lived here for seven months and we’re NOWHERE! This isn’t the goddamn fantasy land you made it out to be!




MADELINE: I was paying my fair share, I got that AFL-CIO job! Hell of a gig to get before I even got a degree from anywhere!


OLIVER: I just don’t think you’re mature enough for this, honestly, I, I don’t see it.


(Madeline starts welling up)


MADELINE: What are you saying? You regret moving here?!






OLIVER: Well, sometimes I have bad ideas! But I know what ISN’T a bad idea, taking this opportunity, so that’s what I’m going to do, and if you don’t like it, then maybe it’s better off that we put this relationship out of its misery. (Madeline sits on the couch and starts bawling) Jesus, Maddie, I-


(Oliver goes over to try and comfort Madeline, but she pushes him away)




OLIVER: Why? Do you have a sunburn?




OLIVER: Maddie, this for the best, we can’t live like this! I love you, but, this situation is not fair to you!



(Madeline runs into their room and slams the door and Oliver stands there, clearly feeling like shit)


OLIVER: Oh, God… (Oliver sits down and holds his head with his hands) the feels just won’t stop…




OLIVER: And I’m giving up a girl with ears of steel.


(Cut to Ryan walking out of his dealer’s suite. His dealer follows behind)


STUDENT: I hope you enjoy.


(Ryan turns to the dealer)


RYAN: I didn’t catch your name.




RYAN: Really?


DION: No. But that is what you’ll call me.


(Dion puts his phone number in Ryan’s pants pocket)


RYAN: Dude, you very nearly touched my dick there.


DION: Just call me anytime you want to party.


RYAN: Will you party with me?


DION: No, I’m busy.


RYAN: This is just a one-time thing, you know.


DION: (Sarcastically) Oh, of course.


(Dion walks back into his dorm suite. Ryan turns around and takes out an address in his pocket. “188 Main Street, Burlington, Vermont 0541” is written on it. He puts it back in his pocket. Nick comes out of his dorm and sees Ryan)


NICK: Hey Ryan.


RYAN: Hey Nick.


(Nick tries to walk past Ryan, but Ryan puts his hand on Nick’s shoulder, and Nick turns around)


NICK: What the fuck?


RYAN: Sorry.


NICK: If you want to get my attention, just speak, okay?


RYAN: Sorry! Listen, do you want to go somewhere with me right now?


NICK: Like, Target?


RYAN: No, like a club! An 18+ club in Burlington, I just got tickets and I have one more!


NICK: Dude, I do like partying, but I have a test tomorrow. (Cut to Ryan driving Nick in his car while “Endless Corpse” by Black Breath blasts on his stereo. Ryan is driving quickly and is head-banging while Nick is air drumming with a cigarette in his mouth. Cut to Ryan and Nick waiting in line at this club) So where are the tickets?


RYAN: Our tickets are- (Ryan takes out two baggies, both of them have two tabs of ecstasy each) these.


NICK: Whoa, what the hell are those?


RYAN: Four tabs of ecstasy. My dealer said that if you give the bouncers two tabs per person, then they won’t get you in trouble for taking ecstasy in the building. Also, you don’t have to pay.


NICK: Wait, you’re taking those tabs of ecstasy?


RYAN: Nah, man, we’re taking them!

(They move up in line)


NICK: Jesus, dude, I’ve never taken ecstasy before!


RYAN: Well, do you want to babysit me, or do you want to experience the magic for yourself?


NICK: Why didn’t you bring Michelle with you to do the drugs?


RYAN: She’s working, and she doesn’t really, do drugs.


NICK: Does she know you do drugs?


RYAN: She doesn’t think I do them, so just, shhh. And if you don’t tell her, I won’t tell he dorm you management you smoke in your room.


NICK: Dude, you didn’t need to threaten me, I’m not going to snitch you out. It’s not like you have a drug addiction or anything, right?

RYAN: …Wright.


NICK: …Why do I get the sense that “right” was spelled with a W?


RYAN: Rite, so are you going to take it? You don’t have to, I’m just wondering.


NICK: …Doesn’t it make people really touchy-feely with one another?


RYAN: …Uhhh…


(Cut to Nick sitting at the bar of the club, smoking a cigarette, completely sober. The club is noisy, and is playing a har-ass house banger. A bartender comes over)


BARTENDER: Can I see some ID?


NICK: We gave the bouncer three tabs of ecstasy.


BARTENDER: What can I get for you?


NICK: A-uh, I don’t-alcohol? I don’t know how to order alcohol, I guess give me a martini or whatever.


BARTENDER: One pleb-tini coming up.


(The bartender shakes a martini together and hands it to Nick, who takes a sip and gulps it down)


NICK: Ugh, that never gets any easier.


(Ryan runs over, hyped up on ecstasy)



NICK: You seem to be having a pretty good time with your drug buddies out there, you should, keep doing that.



NICK: It sounds beautiful, go out there and let loose. But remember, check back with me every fifteen minutes so I can make sure you’re okay. Because as a dorm resident, we bear responsibility if you’re injured or killed.


RYAN: Only if it’s on campus though right?!


NICK: Oh. Yeah, you’re right, well, whatever, I still don’t want to make a memorial shrine for you, I already have floor meeting posters to make, so be careful.



(Ryan runs out onto the dance floor and gets into a group of boys and girls on ecstasy. Ryan takes a few glow bracelets off of some girl’s arm and puts them around his arms as he jumps up and down to the beat. He goes over and starts jumping with some blue-haired girl as he holds hands with her)





(Ryan hugs the girl as they continue to jump up and down. Cut to Nick seeing this from the bar. He exhales smoke)


NICK: Are they engaged in a jumping hug?


(Cut to Ryan crashing into what appears to be a black bean-bag chair just off of the dance floor. He starts feeling the bean bag and rubbing his face against it, and is smiling like a pig in shit)


RYAN: OH, THE TEXTURES OF THIS BEAN BAG CHAIR, THEY FEEL SO NICE!! THESE MUST BE GOD’S BEANS! I WANT TO GROW A BEANSTALK WITH THESE BEANS AND GO FIND ATLANTIS IN THE SKY! (Someone clears their throat) Huh? (Ryan looks up to see he is not on a bean bag chair, but is lying on the belly of an extremely overweight black man wearing a black turtleneck, a gold chain, black pants and a black beret. He appears to be a club owner) AHHH!!


(Ryan jumps off of the man’s belly, and the man stands up)








(The Black fat man lifts Ryan like a baby as he flails his arms)




(The black man stars carrying Ryan towards the front. Nick sees this)


NICK: Oh, Christ. (Nick puts out his cigarette and runs over to the black man holding Ryan) Sir, sir, that’s my friend, whatever he did, I can fix it!


RYAN: We’re friends?!


NICK: Shut up!


BLACK FAT MAN: He embarrassed me, and no one can fix that. It’s gonna take years of therapy to mend these wounds.


NICK: Can we put that in a dollar amount?


BLACK FAT MAN: Just get him the fuck out of here, and you two are banned from this club!



NICK: That’s probably for the best, just give him here


(The black fat man throws Ryan over to Nick, but Nick obviously doesn’t catch him and Ryan falls to Nick’s feet, as Nick holds his hands up and stares at the black man with a deadpan “WTF” face)




BLACK FAT MAN: Y’all can leave anytime now.


(Nick kneels down to Ryan)


NICK: You okay?


RYAN: JUST GET ME BACK TO THE DORM!! (Cut to Nick and Ryan walking out of the club. Ryan has his arm around Nick’s back, and Nick is guiding the strung-out Ryan to a bench, where they both sit) God, I haven’t had that feeling in forever…


NICK: The feeling of being thrown by a 400-pound black club owner?


RYAN: No, the feeling of sensory enhancement, love for all creatures, lack of inhibitions, it’s all so vivid when you’re where I am, Nick…


(Ryan is bleeding from his nose)


NICK: You’re bleeding from your nose by the way, kid.


RYAN: Weird? I don’t feel it. I only feel the happy.


NICK: Give me your keys. (Ryan hands Nick his keys) You know, there’s addiction counseling at the UVM clinic.


RYAN: I don’t have a drug problem, this is just a one-time thing, just, shh! Okay? Let me enjoy this. This drug, it boosts colors and makes them more vivid, it’s like, drinking Clorox.


NICK: Well, I don’t think we can allow Clorox on campus anymore. Let’s go.


(Ryan and Nick get up and get into Ryan’s car. Cut to Ethan and Jamie getting out of Ethan’s car, at the site where this old dilapidated lodge is)


ETHAN: There it is. And here we are. Far from civilization. Far from any drama about you, me, Kimberly or Rob. Far from news about the Virgin Galactic Space-plane disaster, the United Nations warning about climate change being irreversible, none of that here.


JAMIE: Except for that beaver over there that’s choking on one of those six pack rings.


ETHAN: Well, that’s not climate change, that’s just littering, we can deal with that.


JAMIE: So, where do you want to go? Want to check out the cabin?


ETHAN: …Not yet.


JAMIE: Oh. Really? Why?


ETHAN: It’s just not time. Come. (Ethan starts walking past the cabin, and Jamie follows along) I hope you like your boots.


(Pan down to reveal ugg boots with timberland spikes at the bottom)


JAMIE: They’ll do, as long as I keep my canteen of- (Holds up a canteen) Pumpkin Spiced Latte stays full.


(Ethan laughs)


ETHAN: If you’re not a valley girl yet, this trip will turn your gamer ass into a valley girl.


JAMIE: (Mock valley girl voice) I can’t even! I’m just done! I can’t, on a scale of one to even, I’m can’t!


(Ethan laughs and takes Jamie by the hand as they venture into a nearby forest, where they’re walking on an upward trail)


ETHAN: I loved hiking with my old man, back in the day. He would point out when bears were nearby, and we’d take a couple of pictures, and then he’d make himself big and we’d run away laughing.


JAMIE: Sounds dangerous.


ETHAN: I swear, your generation is so coddled.


JAMIE: It’s pretty peaceful out here, even though it’s so cold.


ETHAN: Yeah. It is. I remember we would be out here for hours, and just, forget about the temperature. We’d come back with red hands that couldn’t move, but we’d be smiling and laughing and covered in bear saliva. It was a blast.


JAMIE: How close did you get to these bears?


ETHAN: It was great. And feast your eyes on this.


(Ethan and Jamie get to the top of the hill and they observe a beautiful landscape before them, and the sun is setting)




(Ethan puts his arm around Jamie’s shoulder)


ETHAN: Isn’t it immaculate? I painted a picture of a sunset on the wall in my cabin when I was younger, I called it “Starry Day”, because the sun is a star, and I thought it was clever.


JAMIE: What did Paul think?


ETHAN: He moved his bed just to cover it up. And convinced my dad that some kid who lived there before us had drawn it.


JAMIE: God, Ethan.


ETHAN: My dad is still unconvinced that I hone any artistic skill. It’s why I gave up on my dream of becoming an artist.


JAMIE: You did art?


ETHAN: A little bit, here and there. Ryan tells me that’s probably where he got his artistic edge from. However, listening to his “art”, I would say Ryan got his artistic edge from my schizophrenic aunt.


JAMIE: I want to see your art!


ETHAN: Follow me.


(Ethan takes Jamie down the hill. Cut to them confronted with a very muddy area they have to cross)


JAMIE: This is like four feet of mud. And we can’t get around it without doubling back.


ETHAN: And we can’t jump it. So I guess we have to take off our shoes and walk through it.


JAMIE: And end up on one of those “The Monster Inside Me” shows? Fuck that!

ETHAN: Oh, you’ll end up on one of those later tonight anyway.


JAMIE: Fuck off.


(Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: Jamie, you can’t live your life so safe and, overly-cautious all the time. Throw your shoes to the other side. I’ll do it too. And we’ll walk through the mud together.


JAMIE: …Alright.


(Jamie takes off her shoes and throws them to the other side, as does Ethan. Ethan extends his hand as they both step in the mud)


ETHAN: Feel that?


JAMIE: Oh my God, it’s like wading through pudding!


ETHAN: Yeah!


(Ethan and Jamie continue to wade through it)


JAMIE: It tickles!


ETHAN: Do you feel your brain being tickled by the hook worm yet?


(Jamie laughs)


JAMIE: Shut up! (Ethan and Jamie make it out of the muddy trench and fall onto the grass laughing. They start making out. Cut to Ethan and Jamie in the old abandoned cabin. Ethan and Jamie begin moving his brother’s old bed to reveal a young Ethan’s rendering of a sunset with the title “A starry day” underneath it, next to the date “6-30-75”) It’s beautiful.


ETHAN: I can’t believe it’s held up like this over the years.


JAMIE: Yeah. (Ethan looks at it, and then kicks a hole in the wall where the drawing was, and the actual sun’s light shines through) WHOA! Why’d you-


ETHAN: Now we got the real thing….you can’t beat the real thing.


JAMIE: …I guess not. How are we going to sleep here now?


ETHAN: This thing is still more secure than a tent. And bears know me, they won’t harm me.


JAMIE: What about me?


ETHAN: They know I like you, just stay by my side.


JAMIE: Okay, good.


(Jamie hugs Ethan as we pan out. Cut to Kimberly and Rob meeting in front of Kimberly’s house)


ROB: I only been a good nigga for a minute though!

KIMBERLY: You haven’t been a good nigga at all-oh my God, why did you make me say that vile word?


ROB: I was quoting Wu-Tang.


KIMBERLY: Go back to Los Angeles, Rob. I will not let you harm my ex-husband.


ROB: I just wanted to talk.


KIMBERLY: You seriously need help.


ROB: I’m sorry Hollywood culture has inflated my ego!


KIMBERLY: You should be!

ROB: Ugh. I’m going back to LA, fuck this!


KIMRLY: You’re saying that like it’s not what I wanted, but that is precisely what I wanted!

(Rob walks away. Kimberly throws up her arms and walks into her house. Cut to Nick and Ryan walking into Ryan’s dorm suite. Ryan sulks over to his dorm door and sinks down to the floor)


RYAN: Oh, I feel like shit.


NICK: Yeah, that usually happens on the come-down.


RYAN: I appreciate you comin’ out with me, Nick.


NICK: …Whatever.


(Nick walks away, and Ryan looks upset about it. He sighs and walks into his room and collapses onto the bed, waking Faith up, who looks around and then quickly goes back to bed. Cut to Ryan waking up later that day. Someone is knocking at the door)


RYAN: Who is it?!


MICHELLE: (Through the door) It’s me!

RYAN: Michelle?!


(Michelle comes in as Ryan jumps out of bed)


MICHELLE: What the hell, Ryan?!

RYAN: What?! It’s not casino night yet, right?


MICHELLE: It’s 5pm! I guess you forgot we were supposed to have breakfast this morning,


RYAN: Shit, oh my God, you’re right, I totally forgot, that’s my fault, I’m sorry, I overslept, I was studying all night last night, really cramming.


MICHELLE: Cramming?


RYAN: Yeah.


MICHELLE: For a test that you, obviously did not show up for. Considering you’ve been sleeping this whole time.


RYAN: …Yeah, I guess I fucked up on that too.


MICHELLE: Why are your eyes so bloodshot?


RYAN: Like I said, I was up all night.


MICHELLE: Wait, you only had English, government and speech today, and you said your tests for those weren’t until next week and the one after that.


RYAN: I, uh-


MICHELLE: You’re lying to me!

RYAN: No! No I’m not! They pushed the tests!


MICHELLE: Bullshit! Did you do drugs last night?! Tell me the truth!


(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Michelle, please don’t do this, please don’t cry, I’m sorry!

(Michelle starts crying and gets on her knees)


MICHELLE: Goddamnit, Ryan!!


RYAN: I made a mistake! I’m sorry!


(Ryan tries to touch her, but Michelle stands up)




(Michelle storms out of the room as Ryan stands there heartbroken. Ryan gets a call, and he reluctantly answers it)


RYAN: Hello? Yeah, Madeline, I can’t really-wait, WHAT?!


(Cut to black)



Submitted: November 13, 2014

© Copyright 2021 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

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