The Donahues Episode 200

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob and Renee are forced to reveal Renee’s pregnancy to Ethan and Kimberly after Kimberly and Luke demand rent from them and Ryan attends Brennan’s Battle Of The Bands and Kyle goes on a misadventure

Submitted: December 14, 2014

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Submitted: December 14, 2014









“In all one thousand days. Just a thousand. Strange. And of those thousand, one when we were both in love, only one, when our loves met and overlapped and were both mine and his. And when I no longer hated him, he began to hate me. Except for that one day”

  • Bridget Boland


(We start with Kimberly in her office on Wednesday, December 3rd, reading the news on her computer. Luke comes in)


LUKE: Hey.


KIMBERLY: Did you hear about this Eric Garner thing?


LUKE: Oh, was justice served? Did they hang Daniel Panteleo in the city square for all to see?


KIMBERLY: No, they decided not to indict him.


LUKE: Fuck.


KIMBERLY: Apparently you can put a black guy in a chokehold on camera and have him die and it’s okay. Even though the NYPD are not supposed to use chokeholds. I mean, even the BIBLE says that beating a slave so hard that the slave dies is an affront to God. The NYPD apparently doesn’t even operate on the morals of the era before Christ.


LUKE: Are there riots?


KIMBERLY: I hope there won’t be. That didn’t help last time. Did you see the Saint Louis Rams do that “Hands Up” thing at the game?


LUKE: Yeah. And then the Saint Louis Police Association demanded an apology. An apology?! Where do they get off demanding an apology for people expressing their opinions? What a bunch of babies, somebody needs to call the WAAAHmbulance.


KIMBERLY: Maybe if they had called a WAAAHmbulance for Eric Garner, he might be alive today.


LUKE: No, they reserve WAAHmbulances for wiping tears from their butt-hurt butts.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, I guess so.


(Doyle runs in and papers fly everywhere)




KIMBERLY: Holy shit.



LUKE: It’s big and bad?


DOYLE: IT’S SAD! LOOK! (Doyle holds up a chart showing racquetball sales trending downwards from October to December 2014) Our sales are trending downward due to cold temperatures! People won’t want to play racquetball, they want to watch Netflix and bathe themselves in artificial light!


KIMBERLY: We get lower sales this time of year every year since we started, but we’ve survived.


DOYLE: Yes, but in the Winter of 2012, sales dropped only 12%. In the Winter of 2013, sales dropped 10%. But now it’s the Winter of 2014, and we’re closing in on a 20% drop in sales, technically, 19.777777%.


KIMBERLY: Shit, that’s serious! Why such a steep drop?


LUKE: Well, it is 33 degrees and rainy outside.


KIMBERLY: Kids are such pussies nowadays.


LUKE: What are we gonna day?


DOYLE: You guys could start selling snowboards! Or toboggans! Or, Zambonis!


LUKE: I, uh, I think that would put a dent in our budget considering we have a 20% drop in sales.


DOYLE: Well I’m out of ideas.


KIMBERLY: What we need to do is scrape along until the harsh winter dies down, or spring comes. We just need to cut back. Maybe fire a few people who don’t have any worthwhile ideas to contribute.


(Doyle gulps)


LUKE: Got something in your throat there, mate?


DOYLE: I just vomited in my mouth a bit, so I swallowed it back up. And now I feel it coming up through my nose.


LUKE: How did that, happen?


DOYLE: I have serious problems.


LUKE: Was it all that cum you swallowed? (Luke grabs Doyle’s head and starts giving him a nougie) Come on you scrawny bastard, you know I’m giving you a hard time.


(Luke pushes him away, and Doyle sneezes)


KIMBERLY: Did you just sneeze vomit in my office?


DOYLE: Perhaps.


KIMBERLY: I’ll see you in my office later, Doyle. (Doyle gulps again) Stop, doing that.


(Doyle nods and leaves the room)


LUKE: That’s a serious situation he brought to our attention. What are we going to do to tighten our belts?


KIMBERLY: I have one idea.


(Cut to Kimberly walking into Jacob’s room at the house. Jacob is in there on his computer)


JACOB: Hey mom.


KIMBERLY: Hi, Jacob. Listen, we need to talk about your living situation here.


JACOB: What about it?


KIMBERLY: Well, I mean, I buy extra groceries for you, I spend more time talking to you, and like they say, your time is your money.


JACOB: I’m glad you see quality time with me like that.


KIMBERLY: I’m glad you understand micro-economics. And that’s why I need to ask you to start paying rent for you and Renee to be here.


JACOB: Uh, I don’t have a job.


KIMBERLY: And that’s why I need to ask you to, get one.


JACOB: Get what?




JACOB: Jobs art scarce around these parts, mom.


KIMBERLY: No. Unemployment is 5.8% and people are hiring.


JACOB: Well, you know, I’m still in college!


KIMBERLY: And you never skip, right?




KIMBERLY: I’ve seen you walk out the door in the morning, get in you car, and just drive down the street to hang out with Roger before.


JACOB: Yeah, who knew Roger lived right down the street now?


KIMBERLY: I mean, we moved a year ago, I’m surprised you didn’t notice he lived near us.


JACOB: I was in jail. Then I went to college. And then I guess after that I was high as fuck.


KIMBERLY: I won’t start charging rent until you get your first paycheck from a new job, but that new job needs to happen sooner rather than later! (Kimberly walks away, leaving Jacob looking concerned. Cut to Ryan on his laptop in his office at the Donahue household. Kimberly walks in and Ryan looks up) And as for you…


RYAN: Hi there.


KIMBERLY: You better be studying.


(Ryan looks at his computer screen, which shows the @MarnieTheDog Twitter feed, and then he looks back at Kimberly)


RYAN: I am.


KIMBERLY: Good. What subject?


RYAN: Uh, (Ryan looks back at his computer. It shows the website whoa, I’m getting desperate for procrastination.




RYAN: Nothing, (Ryan looks up) I’m studying Government.


KIMBERLY: Okay, good. When’s that test?


RYAN: Uh- (Ryan looks at his computer screen to see Google image results for brown coffee cups) it’s- (Ryan looks back up at her) Monday at 8am.


KIMBERLY: Can you, can you stop looking down at your laptop every time I ask you a question?


RYAN: Sorry.


KIMBERLY: Keep studying.


(Kimberly walks out of the room. Ryan goes on Twitter again and sees @SanfordBrennan’s tweet reading “Our Band HAS CHANGED NAMES to @TownCenter and you should too! What? That doesn’t make sense, let me try this again!” and the next tweet reads “Come SEEE @TownCenter in a BATTLE OF THE BANDS at Seani’s THIS FRIDAY DEC 6!! BE THERE TO SUPPORT US! Tickets are 10$$$$”)


RYAN: Huh. I didn’t know that.


(Ryan calls Brennan on the phone. Brennan picks up)


BRENNAN: (On the phone) Hello?


RYAN: Hey, your band is back together? With a dumb name? I mean, a new name?

BRENNAN: Yeah, we are. And we have a show at Seani’s.


RYAN: Didn’t the health inspector shut them down like, nine months ago?


BRENNAN: Yep! But they recently re-opened and are purely a bar and music venue now! You are not allowed to bring food in there because the health inspector has put them on probation, but you know, it’ll still be fun. Also, there will be very few chairs because of all the bar fights that took place at Seani’s.


RYAN: Wow. Hungry people who have to stand for several hours. Sounds fun.


BRENNAN: Want to go?


RYAN: Yeah, sure, are there tickets left?


BRENNAN: Yeah, they’re ten dollars each.


RYAN: Alright, I’ll withdraw from the ATM and be over in a bit.


BRENNAN: They’re all left.


RYAN: Okay, I’ll-wait, what?


BRENNAN: They’re all left.


RYAN: You haven’t sold a single ticket?


BRENNAN: No, you’d be the first.


RYAN: Isn’t it tomorrow?




RYAN: Wow…well, you gotta start somewhere, I’ll be over soon.


(Ryan hangs up and walks out of his room. Cut to Ryan knocking at Brennan’s door. Norman opens the door)




RYAN: Yes. Me.


NORMAN: Didn’t I ban you from this household?


RYAN: Yeah, like, over two years ago.


NORMAN: Hmm. Did I lift that ban?


(Brennan walks over)


BRENNAN: Dad, stop being a homo. (Norman rolls his eyes and walks away) Hey, bud.


RYAN: Hey, man. I haven’t seen you in like, a month.


BRENNAN: I know, it’s crazy. I was getting Ryan withdrawals.


RYAN: I’m just getting actual withdrawals.




RYAN: I’m totally kidding.


BRENNAN: Oh okay, good. Because I’ve heard recently that you totally aren’t kidding.


RYAN: Don’t listen to that nonsense, it’s probably just ex-girlfriends trying to get back at me.


BRENNAN: Alright, well, do you have the money?


RYAN: Yeah, I was- (Ryan takes out a $20 bill) unable to break a twenty, so I guess consider the extra ten dollars the only Christmas gift I’m getting you.


BRENNAN: Oh wow, when’d you convert to Judaism?


RYAN: How are comments like that okay?


BRENNAN: Dude, just buy another ticket with the other ten dollars so you can bring someone else.


RYAN: Oh. Okay, sure. Who should I bring?


BRENNAN: Maybe Michael, maybe one of your exotic college friends.


RYAN: How are comments like that okay?

BRENNAN: I’ll see you there, bud. I have to get back to arguing with my dad about a song I wrote that’s dedicated to my birth mom. My dad’s pretty sure she was a whore, apparently.


RYAN: Why would you be eager to get back to arguing?


BRENNAN: I have so many points bottled up inside. I’m gonna blow, Ryan.


RYAN: Alright. I’ll let you do that.




(Brennan shuts the door and Ryan turns around. Ryan starts walking to his car, and then stops in his tracks, as if he’s gotten an idea. He checks his phone to see Samantha in his contacts. He’s about to call her, but he hesitates, and bites his lip. Cut to Ryan pacing around the second floor of his house, contemplating what to text Samantha)


RYAN: “Hey Samantha, I know it’s short notice, but my friend has this show and my friend Michael can’t go, so I was wondering if you wanted to”, no, it can’t be that, it should be like “hey Samantha, I know it’s short notice, and I know you don’t really want to go, but I was wondering if you wanted to go to-“ fuck, that’s too insecure. You know what? Fuck it. (Ryan quickly types in a text, closes his eyes and sends it) AH! (Ryan throws the phone onto the couch) Now I wait. (His phone’s text tone goes off) AHH! ALREADY?! (Ryan goes over and checks it) Thank God, it’s just Jacob.


(Ryan throws the phone on the couch and starts pacing. Cut to Kyle sitting on the ground of a hotel room, leaning against the foot of the bed. He has a bottle of Vodka right next to him, and is drinking a cup of straight vodka. His eyes are bloodshot, he looks tired. Two girls come out of the bathroom, both of them are pretty trashy-looking)


GIRL: Enjoying that?


KYLE: Yeah, yeah.


GIRL 2: Shit, we partied hard tonight.


(Kyle gets up and sits on the bed)


KYLE: That we did.


GIRL 2: It’s getting pretty late though, Karen and I are going to get some sleep, so, do you want that bed, or-?


KYLE: Yeah, Patricia, I’ll just sleep right here.


(Kyle lays down on his back and kicks off his shoes as he puts his drink aside and closes his eyes)


KAREN: It was a good night.


KYLE: Hmm.


KAREN: It’s too bad you never sealed the deal on getting laid by either of us.


KYLE: Hmm, (yawns) yeah, too bad.


(Kyle starts snoring)


PATRICIA: …(Whispering) Now?


KAREN: …(Whispering) Let’s wait a bit to be on the safe side.


(Karen and Patricia walk into the next room, pass an alarm clock that says 3:15 am, December 5, 2014. Cut to Kyle sleeping on his back on the hotel room bed. Ostensibly, Kyle begins coughing, but it becomes clear that chunks of vomit are flying out, and he is throwing up in his sleep. Karen and Patricia walk in to see this)


PATRICIA: Shit, he might wake up soon.


KAREN: We gotta move fast.


(Karen and Patricia walk over to the bedside table and grab his cell phone, iPod and wallet. They quickly run out of the room as Kyle continues to choke on his own vomit. Eventually, the coughing relents, the vomit relents, and Kyle lies there cold. Cut to Jacob in his car, down the street from Kimberly’s house. He is smoking a cigarette while listening to the new J Cole song “’03 Adolescence”. He looks very stressed)


JACOB: It’ll be alright, Jacob, they’ll understand, just let them down easy. Weigh them down easy. Rip their soul in two easy. This won’t be easy.


(Renee gets into the car and Jacob rolls down the window, takes a drag of his cigarette and blows the smoke out the window. He then holds the cigarette outside the car)


RENEE: What happened that made you want us to meet in secret?


JACOB: They want me to get a job, and to pay rent.


RENEE: What?! Don’t they know you’re in college?


JACOB: They know that. What they don’t know is that I have a child on the way that I’ll have to provide for. So I can’t exactly be cutting them checks.


RENEE: Oh, Gosh…


(Jacob looks at Renee)


JACOB: …We have to tell them.


RENEE: …You’re right. But how?


JACOB: Well…I wouldn’t do it in song.


RENEE: I could pee on a stick for them.


JACOB: Yeah, I think they’ll take our word for it.


RENEE: Denial’s a weird thing, Jacob, I was in psychology for a week before I dropped the class.




RENEE: We just have to gather them, and say it. But when?


JACOB: Ryan has the Battle of The Bands thing tonight. Let’s let him enjoy that, and tell everyone on Saturday.


RENEE: …Alright.


(Jacob takes a drag of his cigarette and Renee rubs her stomach. Cut to Ryan in his room, sitting on his bed)


RYAN: I can only imagine what it would be like to go out with Samantha… (Cut to a daydream sequence with Ryan and Samantha standing in front a huge mansion. “Starring Ryan Donahue” appears in the corner of the screen, before disappearing) Baby, you smart! (Ryan points at her) You very smart! (“Samantha Schiff” appears as a credit on the other side of the screen, before disappearing) Matter fact, you a genius! (Samantha plays with her hair and looks around) You see? You let me hustle, you let me do what I gotta do in the streets, baby, you deserve a Nobel Prize, baby!

SAMANTHA: For letting you hustle?


(“Guest starring Pop Spiders” appears in the corner of the screen before disappearing as well)


RYAN: Yeah. And I’m gonna make sure it happen. I’m gonna show you somethin’ you ain’t never seen before, keep ridin’! You smart! Come with me baby, let’s ride. (Ryan puts his arm around Samantha as they begin to walk into his house) I’m gonna hold you down. (They walk into the house as “HOLD U DOWN” appears on the screen as the title card. Cut to Ryan in the mansion smoking from an e-cigarette while Samantha sits at a table with him. Samantha is looking around the room, seemingly dazed and confused. Ryan blows a sick cloud and turns to her) Say my name, baby.


(Samantha looks at him)


SAMANTHA: Ryan Donahue.


RYAN: Say my NAME, baby!


SAMANTHA: Ryan Donahue.


(Ryan points to Samantha)


RYAN: You smart! You’re loyal. You’re grateful. You seem- (Samantha looks away) easily distracted-Samantha? (Ryan snaps and Samantha looks back at him) There you go. Nonetheless, I appreciate that. (Ryan reaches for a wad of money and gives it to Samantha) Go buy your mom a house. (Ryan hands her another wad of cash) Go buy your whole family houses.


SAMANTHA: This is like 10,000 dollars, it’s not enough for a house-


(Ryan gives her another wad of cash)


RYAN: Put this money in your savings account. (Ryan gives her another wad of cash) Go spend some money for no reason. (Ryan gives her another wad of cash) Come back and ask for more. (Ryan grabs some headphones and is about to put them on Samantha’s head) Baby, let the music take control- (He stops right before he puts them on her head) hold on, say my name!

SAMANTHA: Ryan Donahue?


RYAN: That’s right. (Ryan puts the headphones on Samantha’s head) You remember that.


(Suddenly, Samantha and Ryan are head-banging furiously to the hardcore metalcore that is playing over Samantha’s headphones. Cut back to Ryan daydreaming in his bedroom)


RYAN: Yep, that’s what would happen. (Ryan receives a text) Oh shit! (Ryan checks his phone. Samantha texted “yeah sorry I’m not gonna be able to do that tonight. Do hit me up next time tho!” Ryan smirks and texts back “Ok, that’s cool. And I will! :)”. Ryan puts his phone down) Mission pretty much accomplished. (Ryan gets up and throws on a leather jacket and runs a comb through his hair. He looks at himself in the mirror and smiles) Shit, I still got like four hours before the show, what am I doing?


(Cut to Ryan getting out of his car at a 7-11 in Burlington. He walks across the street and walks over to Seani’s, which now appears to be a brick building with “Seani’s” spray-painted onto it. Ryan sees Samuel and some girl standing outside the building, waiting)


SAMUEL: (Flamboyant, effeminate voice) Ryan Donahue?!

RYAN: Hey, Samuel.


SAMUEL: It’s been forever!


RYAN: Yep. Six months.


SAMUEL: I noticed you unfollowed me on Twitter.


RYAN: Yeah, uh-


SAMUEL: You tweeted “okay, I’m unfollowing you” at me.


RYAN: Yeah, I didn’t think I’d, ever see you again.


SAMUEL: It’s a small state, Ryan.


RYAN: That it is.


GIRL: Why’d you unfollow him?


RYAN: I guess he tweeted something that rubbed me the wrong way.


SAMUEL: Don’t worry, I don’t care what people think. An inspirational poem inspired me to be like that.


RYAN: So even if you do shitty things-


SAMUEL: Oh yeah, I’m a total bitch. But I carry around that poem with me to remind me that I don’t give a shit.


RYAN: …Inspiring. So Samuel, who’s this?


GIRL: I’m Eric’s girlfriend.


RYAN: Eric’s what?


GIRL: I’m Eric’s girlfriend Shannon.


RYAN: Oh! That’s right, he told me on Tuesday. He told me to prepare for the possibility of never seeing him again.


SHANNON: Yep. I’m the friendship cock block.


RYAN: What has he told you?




RYAN: Uh, never mind. But yeah, nice to meet you, I’m Eric’s friend Ryan.


(Chuck comes out of the club)


CHUCK: HEYYY!!! (They all turn around) You can start lining up now.


RYAN: Alright, let’s do this. (Ryan, Shannon and Samuel line up, along with various other people) Guys excited?


SAMUEL: Fuck that.


SHANNON: Try nervous.


RYAN: Yeah, me too.


SHANNON: My fear is, they’re going to be terrible.


RYAN: Make the case.


SHANNON: Brennan can’t sing, their new drummer can’t keep time, and the guy they hired to do the trap instrumentals is just not that good.


RYAN: They have someone doing trap instrumentals for the band?


SHANNON: It’s a very trendy sound right now, so they’re jumping right on it. They ordered way too many hi-hats.


RYAN: This is a pop punk outfit right, not a hip-hop or alternative R&B group!


SAMUEL: Trust me, trap is everywhere. And so are traps, but don’t worry about that now.


SHANNON: Not until we get inside this dump.


(Pan over to Chuck standing there)


CHUCK: The dump is open.


SHANNON: Sorry, I didn’t mean it.


CHUCK: I heard what I heard.




CHUCK: Enough.


(Shannon looks to Ryan and Ryan shakes his head as they walk in. They walk in to see two stages, a bar, and very few chairs and tables. The place does look pretty run down, with graffiti, dim lighting and a literal hole in the wall. A maître d stops Ryan)


MAITRE D: Are you over 21?


RYAN: What if I said I was?


MAITRE D: I would ask for proof.


RYAN: What if I didn’t have it?


MAITRE D: Let me see your hands.


(Ryan shows the Maitre D his hands and she puts Xes on there in sharpie)


RYAN: You know, if I saw you on Hot or Not, I wouldn’t even think of Xing you.


MAITRE D: Move along.


RYAN: Alright.


(Ryan walks away as Samuel moves up. Cut to Ryan, Samuel and Shannon sitting on some couches lining the side of the club)


SAMUEL: This place is a shit hole.


RYAN: There’s a hole in the wall over there, but I’ve seen homeless people walk by, take a quick peek inside, and then just move on.


(Eric walks over)


ERIC: Hey, Shannon, Ryan!


SHANNON: Hey baby.


(Shannon gets up to hug Eric)


ERIC: Say my name.


SHANNON: Fuck off.


(Eric laughs as Shannon detaches from Eric. Ryan stands up, as does Samuel)


SAMUEL: Hey Eric.


ERIC: Hi, Samuel.


RYAN: S’up, Eric? Where’s Brennan?


ERIC: He’s nervously pacing, forgetting lyrics, and shitting pants. He shit all his good skinny jeans, and now he’s writing lyrics on his hand-well, he’s writing lyrical clichés on his hand just in case he forgets lyrics and can just ad-lib something.


RYAN: Let’s go give him a pep talk.


(Ryan and Samuel walk over there)


ERIC: You don’t wanna give him a pep talk?


SHANNON: Not really.


(Cut to Brennan sitting on the side of the stage as Ryan and Samuel walk over to him)


BRENNAN: Hey bud.


RYAN: Hey, man. Got some butterflies in the stomach?


BRENNAN: Nah, nuqqa, I’m good.


SAMUEL: Are you sure? You have puke on your shoes.


BRENNAN: That ain’t puke.


RYAN: What is it?


(Brennan takes a bucket and pukes in it, to Ryan and Samuel’s disgust. He then wipes off his chin with a tissue)


BRENNAN: I’ll tell you later.


RYAN: Brennan, just relax. The only people here are your friends, the friends of the other bands performing, and some strung-out homeless people, and they don’t really have a place to boo you.


SAMUEL: Yeah, they’re homeless!


BRENAN: So if they boo me, I’ll just be like “what do you know?! You’re homeless!”


RYAN: Uhh…I wouldn’t do that, that might not get people on your side.


BRENNAN: I think I’ll do that.


SAMUEL: If you forget lyrics, just ad-lib some “na nas” or just put your hands up in a “don’t shoot” pose. People will cheer you on for that brave and very easy stand.


BRENNAN: Alright, cool. Sounds good. I think I’ve got this.


RYAN: Good, man. Awesome. When do you guys play?


BRENNAN: After like, two or three other bands do their 20-minute sets.


RYAN: Okay, so, I better hunker down.


BRENNAN: Yeah. Hunker. But don’t hunker any of the girls here, they’re all mine. That goes for you too, Samuel.


SAMUEL: Don’t need to worry about that, Brennan.


RYAN: Isn’t your girlfriend here?


BRENNAN: Oh yeah. You should meet her. DION!


(A black-haired girl in a beanie walks over)


DION: Hey, sweetie.


BRENNAN: Dion, this is my friend Ryan, the one who goes to UVM.


DION: Hi, Ryan.


(Dion shakes Ryan’s hand)


RYAN: Hey.


BRENNAN: And this is Samuel, he went to my High School.


SAMUEL: Hi, Dion.


(Dion shakes Samuel’s hand)


DION: Charmed.


BRENNAN: That’s so cute. Alright, let’s-


DION: What’s cute?


BRENNAN: The “charmed” thing.


DION: I was just saying “charmed”, people say that.


BRENNAN: Okay, okay, relax- (Ryan looks at Samuel, confused) let’s just, go watch this band that’s about to play.


(Ryan, Samuel, Brennan and Dion walk over to the other side of the room, where some hardcore punk band just got set up. The vocalist is wearing a dress and takes to the microphone)


HARDCORE PUNK FRONTMAN: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT?! (People cheer) Well, how can you be doing SO WELL when there are starving children in Africa?! Luckily, I have a plan to feed them, WITH MY DICK!!


(The band’s drummer does a drum line. The crowd is silent)


SOMEBODY IN THE CROWD: That’s child molestation!


RYAN: That’s ONE of the reasons that was in such poor taste.


HARDCORE PUNK FRONTMAN: Alright, we’re called Fuck Her Right In The Pussy, and this first song is called “Rape The Feminists”.


RYAN: Oh my God, that’s offensive.


HARDCORE PUNK FRONTMAN: This song was inspired by a High School teacher who encouraged me to follow my dreams of becoming a musician.


BRENNAN: Alright, now it’s offensive and weird.


(The band starts playing and the frontman starts screaming, and it all sounds like generic, bland hardcore punk)






(Ryan looks to see the front man is jumping on a pogo stick on stage while his guitarist does a guitar solo)









(Brennan laughs. Cut to Michelle walking into the club. She hands her ticket to the woman at reception)


WOMAN: Thanks, are you 21 or older?


MICHELLE: I’ll be twenty-one in about a month, can you-?


WOMAN: No, I can’t, let me see those hands.


(Woman grabs Michelle’ hands)


MICHELLE: O-kay then! (The woman writes “Under 21” on Michelle’s hands in pen) That’s a sharp pen, damn!


WOMAN: You’re lucky I didn’t carve it in there! Trying to bribe me like that.


MICHELLE: I didn’t-oh my God, never mind. (Michelle walks into the club to see Ryan and Brennan watching the hardcore punk band) Oh, shit.


(Ryan laughs at something Brennan said and then turns his head while smiling in Michelle’s general direction. Then his face turns into a realization visage)


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Wait a minute…what Brennan said wasn’t that funny-holy shit, there’s Michelle.


(Michelle walks over to Brennan and Ryan. Brennan turns around)


BRENNAN: Hey Michelle, it was so cool you could make it.


MICHELLE: Hi, Brennan. Hi, Ryan.


RYAN: Hello, Michelle.


BRENNAN: Whoa, what’s with the cold shoulder guys? Are you guys in a lover’s quarrel?


RYAN: Brennan, Michelle and I have been broken up for like, three weeks, how do you not know that?


BRENNAN: Whoa, have I been out of the loop or what? How come no one told me?


RYAN: Obviously you haven’t signed up for Ryan’s constantly changing relationship status alert app.


BRENNAN: I have a Windows Phone, it doesn’t get many apps. (Brennan takes out his Windows Phone) I mean, look at this thing. I have an app called “hot or bot?” It’s like a knock-off of Hot Or Not, but instead of deciding whether a girl is attractive or unattractive, you have to decide whether she’s a real person or just a bot trying to sell you something.


MICHELLE: How can you tell?


BRENNAN: Look at her interests. If her interests are reading, writing or creating, she can’t be real. (Brennan swipes left) Damn it, she is!


MICHELLE: Wow, fuck off.


(Brennan puts his phone away)


BRENNAN: What happened to you two?


RYAN: It’s a long story, we don’t have to talk about it here.


MICHELLE: I guess I should’ve figured you might be here. I just didn’t think about it.


BRENNAN: Well, just, don’t ruin my night, and make it your night, this is my night to shine, and-


MICHELLE: Stay out of this, Brennan. (Brennan throws his hands up and walks away as Michelle steps toward Ryan) Now you listen here, you, you FIEND!

(Cut to a 15-year old girl taking the stage where the hardcore punk band used to be. Their drummer is a thirteen year old ginger kid and their guitarists are in their late teens)


LEAD SINGER: Hi everyone, I’m Alora Whitten, and we’re called Mojo Haiku. We’re a North Texas band, and we were heading to New York to meet with a record label, but we figured we’d stop in Vermont on the way This first song is called “Behind Closed Doors”.


(People cheer and they start playing a slower-tempo, but hard-hitting stoner rock song with Alora’s beautiful vocals singing wonderfully. Ryan, Brennan, Samuel and Shannon watch. Ryan is very impressed looking)


RYAN: Oh my Gosh.













(Cut to Michelle going up to the bartender)













(Michelle turns around as Mojo Haiku finish their song. People cheer, and Ryan cheers the loudest)


ALORA: Thank you. Thanks, glad to see the enthusiasm in the house tonight.



(Michelle squints her eyes at Alora)


MICHELLE: Talk about jailbait.


(Pan over to the bartender)


BARTENDER: I would, but the court put a gag order on me when it comes to that stuff.


MICHELLE: I’m walking away now.


(The Bartender holds up a cup of water)


BARTENDER: Why? I got water for you now! (Michelle shakes her head and walks away) Come on!


(Cut to later, as Mojo Haiku is finishing their last song, people are cheering, especially Ryan)


ALORA: Thank you so much, guys! I will be distributing business cards and talking to people after the show. My business card has our website, our Twitter account, our Facebook page and my home room number on it.


(Cut to Michelle talking to TownCenter’ drummer in the crowd)


MICHELLE: See? She’s so young she still has a home room.


TOWNCENTER DRUMMER: Sorry, who are you?


MICHELLE: I’m Brennan’s friend. (The drummer looks at her for a little bit, and Michelle looks back at him) Kind of.


(Cut to Alora getting off stage, Ryan comes up to her)


RYAN: Hey, you did a fantastic job up there.


ALORA: Thanks so much, what’s your name?


RYAN: I’m Ryan, from the band Depraved Hallway Fern.


ALORA: Oh, yeah! I’ve never heard of them, but that’s cool.


RYAN: Yeah, well, I’ll definitely be following you closely. I mean, not following you, following your band-I just thought your voice, and your instrumentation, it was all so, stoner rock-like, kind of doomy and resonant.


ALORA: Are you going to do a full review on stage for everybody?


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Just get me a potted plant and a fold-out chair and I will review in-between sets.


(Alora giggles)


ALORA: I’m glad you liked it. Here’s our card.


(Alora hands Ryan their card)


RYAN: Thank you- (Ryan looks at it) damn, you have Mrs. Young for homeroom?


ALORA: Yeah! Doesn’t she suck?


RYAN: She sucks so bad!


(Cut to Michelle talking to TownCenter’s drummer as he sets up his drum set and Brennan as he sets up his microphone)


MICHELLE: Look at him, hitting on that child when he’ll be twenty in half a year. He has no shame!

BRENNAN: He doesn’t look like he’s hitting on her, maybe he’s just having a conversation.


MICHELLE: What are they talking about, Paramore? The only reason her voice is so pretty is because it hasn’t been ravaged by puberty yet!

BRENNAN: She’s fifteen and girls get puberty earlier than guys do! Michelle, your bitterness is so obvious!

MICHELLE: Well, Ryan gives up so easily! He makes one mistake, and suddenly our relationship is over. And now he’s trying to rob the cradle!


BRENNAN: Speaking of which, I have to make tweens swoon, so get up off the stage.


(Michelle sighs and gets off the stage as the crowd gathers near the stage. Ryan, Samuel, Shannon and Dion are at the front of the stage, as Michelle goes to sit on a chair near the middle of the room. Brennan picks up the microphone)


BRENNAN: How’s everybody doing tonight?! (They all cheer) That’s what I like to hear, our name is TownCenter. We played South By So What?! Once under a different name, and since then we’ve made a big step forward and booked this show tonight. (They all cheer) Look at how far we’ve come.









(Everyone ducks. Cut to medics taking Kyle’s body covered in a sheet out of the hotel room he was in, as a crying hotel worker stands by. An investigator is standing there)


INVESTIGATOR: This man, did you know him?


HOTEL MAID: No, I didn’t know him at all!


INVESTIGATOR: Who did he come in with?


HOTEL MAID: Some girls, I don’t know! Check with the front desk!


INVESTIGATOR: I looked around the room, he had no wallet, I think he was robbed. I’ll check with the front desk.


(The investigator walks down the hallway to the front desk, where a Hotel receptionist is. The body is being carried towards the doorway)


HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: Excuse me, he needs to check out!



(They take the body out of the hotel)




INVESTIGATOR: I’m Detective William Forsythe. Who was the man who died in room 127?


HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: Let me look it up. (Hotel receptionist looks it up on his computer) He paid cash and said his name was John Johnman.


DETECTIVE FORSYTHE: Johnman? Interesting. Could you sketch the girls he was with for me?


HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: I’m not a sketch artist-


DETECTIVE FORSYTHE: Could you paint them for me?


(Cut back to Brennan on stage with TownCenter)


BRENNAN: Alright, now that the shooting down the street has been cleared up as being just another instance of police brutality likely to gain national attention, we can get back to our set.


SHANNON: Oh, Jesus Christ on the cross being erected by the Virgin Mary.


RYAN: Is the cross being erected or is Jesus being erected?




RYAN: I’m sorry!

BRENNAN: After that random pause, I can tell you our first song is called “Drop The Knife”. (The band starts playing, and eventually Brennan comes in screaming) DROP THE KNIIIIIIFEEE!!!! (Clean vocals) Tonight’s the night, thinking everything will be alright, as long as you are by my side! Give your heart to me! AND IT’LL BE ALRIGHT! AS LONG AS YOU NEVER LEAVE MY SIGHT! WE’LL GET YOU THROUGH THIS TERRIBLE NIGHT! Listen baby, please… I WON’T TRY TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, SO TAKE MY HAND AND DROP THE KNIFE!


(Guitar solo)








(Cut to later in the set)


BRENNAN: Alright, this next song is dedicated to-


(Cut to the back of the crowd, where Brennan’s adoptive mother Diane is standing)


DIANE: Your mother!!


BRENNAN: Um…yes, my mother. My mother.


DIANE: As in, ME!


BRENNAN: Well…no, not, not you-


(Cut to Michelle)




BRENNAN: My, biological mother. Who is dead.


DIANE: I am your biological mother, sweetie!


BRENNAN: Mom, we both know you’re not!




BRENNAN: SHUT UP, MOM! (Diane leaves, as everybody looks around uncomfortably) Sorry about that, everyone. ONE, TWO, THREE AND FOUR! (The band starts playing, and Brennan starts screaming) YOU MADE ME AND I MET YOU, BUT WAS SO YOUNG AND DID FORGET YOU! YOU WANTED IN MY LIFE BUT MY PARENTS DID NOT LET YOU! YOU WERE THIRTY-THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! AND PICTURES ARE KEPT FROM MEEEEEEEEE!!! (Clean vocals) Today you would be fifty-two and I would be a major part of you! But my new parents came along, got divorced and (Screaming) RAISED ME WRONG!!! DUBSTEP DROP!



(Drum break, then back to Brennan)


BRENNAN: (Screaming) YOU MADE ME AND I MET YOU, BUT WAS SO YOUNG AND DID FORGET YOU! YOU WANTED IN MY LIFE BUT MY PARENTS DID NOT LET YOU! YOU WERE THIRTY THREEEEEEEEEE!!! AND PICTURES WERE KEPT FROM MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! AND PICTURES ARE KEPT FROM MEEEEEE!!! (Clean vocals) I don’t mean to be rude to you, but why get drunk and why just screw? Have me as a small baby and then crash on highway sixty-three?! (Screaming) TODAY YOU WOULD BE FIFTY-TWO AND I WOULD BE A MAJOR PARTY OF YOU! (Clean vocals) But my new parents came along, got divorced and (Screaming) RAISED ME WRONG!!!! (Guitar and drum break) AND THAT’S WHY I’M AN ASSHOLE!!! (Everybody cheers) Thank you. Thanks.


(Cut to Ryan cheering, along with the others)


RYAN: ALRIGHT, BRENNAN! WOOO!!! (Ryan looks behind him to see Michelle sitting alone. Ryan walks over there and sits down with her) You seriously can’t be with the group?


MICHELLE: You seriously can’t be with me?


RYAN: Do you really want to get back together? Isn’t there a reason that our relationships keep ending?


MICHELLE: Ryan, when did I meet you?


RYAN: I don’t know, like, three years ago.


MICHELLE: Not quite three years. I met you when you applied to Hot Topic in the Spring of 2012.


RYAN: Okay, what’s your point?


MICHELLE: …That was a thousand days ago, Ryan. One thousand days. And in that time you may have gotten kidnapped, arrested, chased by a drug dealer, recorded two albums, developed an addiction and overcame it, became a Mormon for a few months, gotten into relationships with me, Sarah and Brennan, you may have even gone to college, but I cannot say you’ve changed very much. (Ryan squints) I mean, you’ve had those jeans you’re wearing since I hired you at Hot Topic, you stole them in the first week you worked there.


RYAN: …Well, they still fit me. Even in the crotch area, surprisingly enough, there’s a lot of space, as long as I soak my dong in cold water every now and then.


MICHELLE: Please don’t call it your “dong”.


RYAN: Sorry.


MICHELLE: Ryan, you have the same addiction, same habits and same fear of commitment that you had when I met you. You’re scared to death of “hurting” me? Bullshit. You’re scared of changing YOURSELF. I mean, you have finals next week, right? Have you studied at all? (Ryan looks down) What a surprise.


RYAN: I’m waiting for the muse to speak to me about…integers.


MICHELLE: Integers? That’s a very basic concept.


RYAN: Yeah.


MICHELLE: A thousand days and you’ve learned no lessons. Of those thousand days, we have dated a combined total of nine months, or about two-hundred and seventy days. And the reason it’s off and on is simple. You give up too easily. And I’m obviously not important enough to you for you to want to try.


RYAN: No, Michelle, it’s not that-


MICHELLE: But I’ve loved you for a thousand days, too. And, I still love you. Even after everything, I care about you. Do you feel the same way?


RYAN: Of course I love you, Michelle. But I can’t keep dating my friends. I’m sorry I haven’t changed, it’s not fair to anyone I know. Not even the postman, I still look at my phone when I ask him how his day has been.


MICHELLE: Ryan, I’m not asking you to get back together with me. It’s clearly too late for that. I’m just asking you, change for the next girl you are with. Whether that’s Alora, or whoever. Also, don’t fuck Alora.


RYAN: I’m not gonna fuck Alora!


(Cut to later that night. Everybody is gathering around near the sound guy’s booth, because Chuck is about to speak. Ryan, Brennan, Dion, Michelle, Samuel, Eric, Brennan’s band and Shannon are frothing with anticipation)


CHUCK: Alright, alright, everybody. Now listen. A lot of great, popular bands got their start in the Vermont underground, including Phish… (Chuck looks at his notes) and that’s it. Let’s announce which four bands will move on to the second round in January. First off, Mojo Haiku!


(Mojo Haiku, their fans and Ryan cheers)




(Brennan looks at Ryan)



RYAN: They’re good! You are too, but they’re good!

BRENNAN: She is hot as fuck.


RYAN: Yeah.


DION: Brennan!

BRENNAN: She’s hot! You are too, but she’s hot as fuck!


(Cut back to Chuck)


CHUCK: The other band moving on is American Soccer.


(Cut to a black guy wearing a trilby)


BLACK GUY: Alright, alright.


CHUCK: Take much influence from American Football for that name?


BLACK GUY: You think just because I’m black I like emo music?


CHUCK: …Yeah, that’s what I think. Alright, the next band to move on is…TownCenter.


(Ryan, Dion, Samuel, Shannon, Eric, Brennan’s band and Michelle cheer and jump up and down. Ryan pats Brennan on the shoulder. Brennan is smirking)



(Dion kisses Brennan)


DION: You moved on, honey!




MICHELLE: You excited?!


BRENNAN: Totally.


RYAN: You are so bad at being genuine, it’s incredible.


BRENNAN: And the weird thing is, I am genuine. I’m just not capable of showing it.


DION: Well, you’ll make a great father.


MICHELLE: Let’s go out and celebrate!


BRENNAN: Can we address what Dion said for a second?


MICHELLE: NOPE! Had enough drama for the day!

RYAN: Me too.


(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Luke, Madeline, Jacob and Renee sitting in the living room)


JACOB: You guys may be wondering why I gathered you here today.


ETHAN: Yes. Considering I’m here, I’m especially confused.


KIMBERLY: Are you guys getting married?


RENEE: (Under her breath) Good question.


JACOB: SHH! Listen guys, we have some…news. There’s no easy way to say this, but, Renee is…four months pregnant.


KIMBERLY: Oh, she cheated on you?


JACOB: What?! No! It’s mine!


(Everybody gasps)




ETHAN: Oh my God, dear Lord in Heaven, creator of the Universe-


(Ethan stands up and start breathing heavily as he walks away to go catch his breath in the corner)


JACOB: Everyone just relax!

RYAN: How do you figure we do that, Jacob?! Holy shit!


MADELINE: This is just, insane. Why weren’t you guys careful?!


(Ethan turns around)


ETHAN: WHY WERE YOU HAVING SEX AT ALL!?! I thought you were a Christian, Renee! Didn’t they teach you to pretend God was the ceiling?!




ETHAN: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m stressed out!


RYAN: Also, you’re assuming Renee was on the bottom.


ETHAN: She was, wasn’t she?


(Jacob looks down)


JACOB: …Not always.


ETHAN: Oh, sweet Christ.


(Ethan puts his hands on his face)


LUKE: I don’t mean to get too deeply involved here, but does that matter?


KIMBERLY: Luke, you’re part of the family now, you can give Jacob as much shit as you want. Speaking of which, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!?


JACOB: We weren’t careful, and we’re sorry! But, it’s too late now! The baby is due in May.


RYAN: Oh, just in time for your 21st birthday.


JACOB: Oh yeah, I didn’t think about that. Well, my twenties are ruined.




RENEE: Now hold on! I am not ruining Jacob’s life!

MADELINE: We’re not saying YOU are ruining Jacob’s life, we’re saying what’s INSIDE of you is ruining Jacob’s life.


RENEE: Oh, thanks, Madeline!


MADELINE: You’re welcome.


RENEE: Aren’t you guys at least somewhat excited to be grandparents?


ETHAN: I’m not even fifty! I haven’t gotten an AARP card in the mail yet! But I’m sure you two have picked out a home for me already!


JACOB: Doesn’t hurt to be prepared, listen, I needed to tell you because you were going to charge us rent, and we need that money for our child!

ETHAN: Wait, rent?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, for him staying here.


ETHAN: Charging rent to your own child?


KIMBERLY: Ethan, he’s an adult, he’s not working, and the company is running low on cash.


ETHAN: Oh, okay! So, should Renee charge rent to her child? He’s not working!


RENEE: I have a vested interest in him staying there, Mr. Donahue.


JACOB: Guys.


KIMBERLY: Listen, you don’t have to pay rent anymore, but, but, I’m not going to take care of this child for you. I will love this child with all my heart-


ETHAN: Me too.


RYAN: Me three!


MADELINE: Did you momentarily become eight years old?


RYAN: Yeah, it was weird.


MADELINE: Anyway, me too, Jacob.


JACOB: Yeah, me as well.


KIMBERLY: BUT, I will not raise it for you, this is your responsibility.


JACOB; Mom, I’ll be in school, and so will Renee, we can’t be with it all the time, unless you want us to drop out of school until it’s eighteen! But I’m not looking forward to being one of those guys who goes back to college at age 40, and in a cruel twist of fate, starts balding prematurely at the same time.


ETHAN: He’s right, they’re going to need help.


KIMBERLY: Well, I will not be their primary caretaker.


RENEE: I’ll drop out to take care of it.


JACOB: What? Rene you don’t have to-


RENEE: I want to. It’s what it takes.


JACOB: …Okay.


(Jacob rubs her shoulder)


RYAN: Well, we’re just one happy family now, aren’t we?


ETHAN: Shut up, Ryan.


RYAN: I mean, I’m going to be an uncle. Madeline’s going to be an aunt.


JACOB: And I’m going to be a father, but I guess that goes without saying.


RYAN: Luke’s going to be a step-grandpa.


LUKE: He doesn’t have to, call me that. I’m not even married to Kimberly.


RYAN: I will make sure her first words are “step-grandpa”.


LUKE: Please don’t, mate.


JACOB: Nice bate mate, but it’s fake.


RYAN: Stop using Reddit, Jacob.


ETHAN: Can we get back on topic?


JACOB: Yeah, can we still live here?


KIMBERLY: You need to have an apartment and a job lined up by May of 2015. And that’s final.


(Jacob looks at Renee)


RENEE: Fair enough.


(Jacob looks back at Kimberly)


JACOB: Alright.


ETHAN: God… (Ethan sits down) what else could happen?


RYAN: …You know what Michelle pointed out to me recently?




RYAN: She pointed out to me that we had met roughly 1,000 days ago. In the Spring of 2012. And it kind of made me think a bit, and I think I kind of traced back where the insanity began.


ETHAN: Where’d you land?


RYAN: Around that same time when I met Michelle, but just a little bit before, when you had us have dinner at Mayor Sarandon’s mansion with Governor Romney. That’s when. That’s when all the crazy shit started happening, as soon as we picked up our forks and ate with that saltine cracker of a man. It all goes back to that. It’s like he spread the Romney curse to us, that’s why you’ve lost every election you’ve been a contender in since you had dinner with him.


(Everyone looks at Ethan)


ETHAN: …Um, this is probably not the best time to bring this up, but- (Ethan takes out a piece of paper) Would anyone like to sign this petition urging Mitt Romney to run for President again in 2016? We need 1,000 signatures.


(They all stare at him. Cut to black)



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