The Donahues Episode 205

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and Depraved Hallway Fern decide to screw with their fan base to promote their new album, Jacob experiences discrimination at his new job because he is an ex-convict and Mayor Sarandon is disappointed to hear America’s bid city for 2024 has been chosen and he must pursue a new strategy

Submitted: January 15, 2015

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Submitted: January 15, 2015

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THE DONAHUES

 

“DO NOT REJECT ME IN OLD AGE PART 2”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“Do not reject me in my old age. Do not forsake me when my strength is gone”

-Psalm 71

 

(We start with Ryan, Michael, Oleander and Chance in Kurt Ballou’s studio)

 

RYAN: Alright, Kurt, can we get another microphone in hear to capture Michael’s bass guitar a bit better?

 

MICHAEL: Because I’m going to be shredding mad licks.

 

RYAN: You’re going to be playing a homophonic rhythm while Oleander masturbates the pentatonics on his guitar is what you’re going to do.

 

MICHAEL: That’s stupid though! You should leave it to the bass guitar to do the wankery!

 

CHANCE: Or the drums. We could have a nice drum break, it’d be way more interesting than Michael’s tedious basslines.

 

RYAN: Guys! GUYS! No one will get to wank on this track if we’re going to fight like this! I’ll be the only one doing the wanking!
 

MICHAEL: How do you wank with vocals?

 

RYAN: I’ll song operatically. I’ll needlessly draw out lines with long notes and repeat lines over and over again. Also, I’ve had a violinist standing in the corner of this studio for several days just in case we ever feel like getting really indulgent and gawdy.

 

(Pan over to a violinist holding a violin on his shoulders, looking tired)

 

VIOLINIST: I’m ready if you need me…

 

(Pan back to the band)

 

CHANCE: Indulgent and gawdy? So you mean, lazy?

 

RYAN: Yes. KURT! Can we get another microphone in here? (Pause) Kurt?

 

MICHAEL: Where’d he go?

 

RYAN: I don’t know. (Ryan walks outside the studio to see Kurt talking to MC Ride, Zach Hill and Flatlander from Death Grips) Hey Kurt, can you-oh my God.

 

(Kurt turns around)

 

KURT: Ryan, get back in the studio! You’re not supposed to see this!
 

(Ryan walks over)

 

RYAN: MC Ride, is that you? Stefan Burnett, are you there?

 

MC RIDE: (Quietly) Yeah, that’s me.

 

RYAN: Holy shit! MC Ride of Death Grips! I’m a huge fan, Mr. Burnett! Can I ask you a question, though?

 

MC RIDE: As long as it’s not-

 

RYAN: Jenny Death when?

 

MC RIDE: We already told you when Jenny Death.

 

FLATLANDER: Remember? We released Fashion Week to give you a clue about when the second half of the Powers That B was coming out.

 

RYAN: And that is?

 

FLATLANDER: Fashion Week. We shouldn’t have to spell it out for you.

 

RYAN: Oh, okay. One more question though, and this is a biggie. Um, what are you doing here? You guys are from Sacramento, what are you doing at a recording studio in Vermont?

 

ZACH: Some music journalist assholes were starting to suspect that we were recording another full-length album due for release in the Fall of 2015, so we decided to record the rest of it in the least likely place possible.

 

FLATLANDER: Second least likely. Originally we wanted it to be recorded in a Russian phone booth. But, Kanye copied us and beat us to the punch on that.

 

RYAN: Wow. So now they think you’re not recording a new album?

 

MC RIDE: Yep.

 

RYAN: So I guess you guys aren’t broken up after all.

 

MC RIDE: Yeah we are.

 

RYAN: What?

 

KURT: They are, Ryan.

 

(Chance, Michael and Oleander walk out of the studio)

 

CHANCE: What’s taking so long out here?

 

(They walk over)

 

RYAN: A band that is broken up does not release three albums in a year!
 

ZACH: Technically, Jenny Death is half an album, a companion to Niggas On The Moon.

 

RYAN: Whatever! You’re not broken up!
 

ZACH: We’re broken up. Can’t you sense the band tension? We’re not even sleeping over at each other’s apartments as often anymore.

 

RYAN: You guys are shitting me.

 

FLATLANDER: Well, we can’t just tell you we’re still together, or else you’re going to spread the word around.

 

MICHAEL: Who are these people?

 

RYAN: This is Death Grips-you guys just told me about you recording a new album here, so, I don’t know why you suddenly don’t trust me with this information.

 

ZACH: He’s right. We’re not broken up. I mean, it’s kind of hard to have band tension when Stefan sometimes doesn’t say a word for hours on end.

 

(Mc Ride shrugs. Suddenly, Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs comes out of the studio)

 

ROBERT: Hey, are we going to do this?

 

CHANCE: Is that Robert Pattinson?

 

ROBERT: Oh shit, who are these blokes?

 

ZACH: This is some other band recording here.

 

OLEANDER: Why is Robert Pattinson with you?

 

RYAN: I know Robert played guitar on your album “Government Plates”-

 

FLATLANDER: Yeah, we’re working with him again.

 

ROBERT: Hell yeah! These guys right here are my bros! They set me up with Tahliah here.

 

FKA TWIGS: Hi.

 

RYAN: Wow, Robert Pattinson is dating FKA Twigs and is friends with Death Grips? These are both way better love stories than “Twilight”.

 

ROBERT: I know, right? Those movies were shit.

 

MC RIDE: Yeah, they were.

 

ROBERT: Now he speaks up! Goddamn. The only time he ever seems to speak is when he’s rapping or when we go and smoke a fag together.

 

ZACH: He’s talking about when they go and play Counter-Strike together.

 

ROBERT: Yeah, we smoke fags all day long, as they emerge from their foxholes.

 

RYAN: I just don’t understand how you guys met Robert Pattinson and came up with the idea to have him on your record.

 

FLATLANDER: We met him when we were in Los Angeles, and he was playing guitar for a bunch of prepubescent girls, and they were going crazy, so Stefan decided to rap over Robert’s guitar strumming and all the girls ran away.

 

ZACH: Yeah, now kids in LA ask their mothers to check their closets for MC Ride before they go to bed.

 

MC RIDE: (Quietly) And I’m sometimes in there, too.

 

RYAN: Sorry?

 

ROBERT: Anyway, so I thought it was funny that they scared those girls away, and they complimented me on my guitar playing, I told them I was in town filming a shitty movie, they said they were some industrial rap band and they were recording their third studio album. They asked me to play guitar on the song “Birds”, so I did!

 

ZACH: And he kept asking where he could find pussy that was “aged to perfection”.

 

ROBERT: Because only young girls seem to line up, but I ain’t about that life! Remember Stefan, I told you I had “99 problems and pussy was all of them”?

 

STEFAN: Yeah, you demanded we put that on the record.

 

ROBERT: And you did, right?

 

STEFAN: No.

 

ROBERT: Damnit, Stefan.

 

FKA TWIGS: Anyway, Stefan gave him my number, and we went out on a date. Robert wasn’t interested at first, but, then I got famous off of the LP I released last year that got rave reviews-

 

ROBERT: And so I realized she was bae! The only bae I could ever envision! And I called her back.

 

MICHAEL: Do you only date famous people?

 

ROBERT: Not if I’m just fucking them.

 

MICHAEL: That’s not dating.

 

ROBERT: Okay, then yes. (FKA Twigs rolls her eyes) But anyway, I love her. And Death Grips and I, damn, we had so much fun recording that song. It was a weird song though, what was all that “I had a blue bird, now it’s dead” shit?

 

STEFAN: It’s based on a poem.

 

ROBERT: So was Twilight, who gives a fuck? That was a really FUN song to play with you guys.

 

RYAN: Twilight isn’t based on a poem.

 

ROBERT: It’s not?

 

RYAN: Jesus, do you not know what Twilight is based on?

 

(Everybody looks at Robert)

 

ROBERT: …Stefan, let’s go smoke a fag.

 

(Robert and Stefan both take out cigarettes and put them in their mouths as they walk out of the studio)

 

CHANCE: I’m a little lost, who are Death Grips?

 

RYAN: They’re an experimental hip-hop trio from California, and they’re apparently recording their fifth full-length LP here.

 

MICHAEL: What makes them so great?
 

ZACH: We’re right here!

 

MICHAEL: I know.

 

RYAN: Well, their music first of all, but also, these guys fuck with their fans quite a bit. They released their second album completely for free without their label’s permission, and they put a penis on it that had the album title written across it.

 

(Chance laughs)

 

ZACH: Yeah, that was my penis.

 

RYAN: Has that washed off?

 

ZACH: No, it hasn’t, Flatlander used permanent marker.

 

RYAN: See?! (Ryan lifts up his shirt to reveal the drawing Jason made of a man holding a balloon) I told Jason it doesn’t wash off!
 

MICHAEL: Can we talk about that night you had with Jason later?

 

RYAN: Sure.

 

(Ryan puts his shirt down)

 

MICHAEL: Also, are we just going to ignore that Zach said Flatlander drew on his dick?

 

ZACH: Anyway, we also didn’t show up at some live dates we had scheduled, which pissed our fans off, we released Government Plates out of the blue, we released Niggas on the Moon out of the blue, we broke up, but now we’re releasing three albums in one year, fucking with our fans is fun.

 

CHANCE: Dude. Fucking with people is my specialty-we should do something like that!
 

RYAN: Hold on, hold on, take it easy. Mr. Hill, it’s been a pleasure, but we need to go back to recording.

 

ZACH: Of course. Nice to meet you guys.

 

(Ryan shakes hands with Zach Hill and Flatlander, and then they all go back into the studio, along with Kurt)

 

KURT: Yeah, they’re-

 

RYAN: SHH! I agree with Chance. We need to get some hype going for this album, and the best way to do that is screwing with our fans.

 

MICHAEL: We need to make it creative.

 

RYAN: Yes!
 

MICHAEL: We’ll hide a single from our upcoming album in a steel box and place it somewhere in the Adirondacks.

 

RYAN: YES!
 

KURT: No.

 

RYAN: Yeah, no, what? Is our fan base dedicated enough to search the Adirondacks?

 

MICHAEL: I guess we’ll have to see, right?

 

(They all look at each other)

 

OLEANDER: This is the part where we all get on board, right?

 

RYAN: Yes.

 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office, on the phone)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Listen, tell those bald, Bostonite bastards that I will-no, I will alliterate as many insults as I want, you cold, calculating cuckhold! Now, you listen here, HANSBAY 2024 WILL HAPPEN IF MY MOTHER’S GRAVE DEPENDS ON IT! (Mayor Sarandon slams down the phone) ETHAN! EVAN! GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!

 

(Ethan and Evan rush in)

 

EVAN: Why? What’s going on?! Is it time to D-D-D-D-D-DUEL?!!?!

 

ETHAN: What?

 

(Mayor Sarandon stands up)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No, it’s not! Unless you mean duel with Boston.

 

ETHAN: Oh, Jesus.

 

EVAN: What?

 

ETHAN: Brian is upset because his push to make Hansbay America’s official bid for the 2024 Olympics, which he hasn’t even worked on in over a year and a half, has failed. America’s official bid city is Boston.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: FUCKIN’ BOSTON!
 

ETHAN: I mean, they have the most potential for infrastructure improvements. The only roadblock is getting Congress to appropriate SOME public funds.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I have connections with Congress! I am friends with Mitt Romney! And if he becomes President in 2017, then I could lobby him to ask Congress for the dough!

 

ETHAN: It doesn’t matter anyway, because Boston is already the chosen city. It’s too late!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Then we need to- (Mayor Sarandon bows his head and furrows his brow in a menacing way, as the room goes dark) bribe somebody. Thanks, Evan.

 

(Cut to Evan next to the light switch)

 

EVAN: You’re welcome.

 

(Evan flips the light back on)

 

ETHAN: Bribe somebody?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.

 

EVAN: (Higher pitched, slightly accented voice) This is illegal, you know.

 

ETHAN: I think he knows-are you only going to speak in memes today?

 

EVAN: My son sat me down the other day and showed me a few six-year old memes and I dug ‘em.

 

ETHAN: Brian, you can’t bribe anyone. Not only is it “illegal, you know” but it’s also wrong and not going to work, because this is a final decision.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: 2024 may be a lost cause.

 

ETHAN: Thank you! Jeez.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: 2028 however-

 

ETHAN: Oh God no.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Is a cause celebre.

 

ETHAN: What makes you think that’s doable?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I looked up the cities we’re up against, they include Seattle, Vancouver and Paris-and I don’t know if you’ve noticed recently, but Paris is in a bit of a state of upheaval recently.

 

EVAN: I think they’ll be over that thirteen years from now.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: The French are surrender monkeys, they’ll be an Islamic caliphate by then.

 

ETHAN: Brian, the Charlie Hebdo newspaper just published an issue with Mohammed on the cover, they’re not backing down.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Je Suis Charlie.

 

ETHAN: That’s, nice, but it doesn’t really address what you just said about the French people.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: What happened to freedom fries?! Listen! I’ll go over to Paris and march with them, get in their good graces, and persuade them to drop their bid.

 

ETHAN: The March is over.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: And Obama didn’t even send so much as a White House intern or Kevin Spacey to march with them?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I know. Huge fuck-up. All the all-stars were there, Francois Hollande, Chancellor Merkel-

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, she looked great marching there.

 

ETHAN: I still can’t believe you fucked her, anyway, Netanyahu was there, Mahmoud Abbas was there, although they kept challenging each other to a race.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, they’re competitive like that.

 

ETHAN: David Cameron was there. Everybody but an American.

 

EVAN: I read John Kerry’s going to go there later this week.

 

ETHAN: But that’s like having a great party with a lot of people, and then being like “that was so fun, we should do this again some time!” and then everybody agrees, and then you’re like “okay, how about next weekend?” and they’re all a bit hesitant, but they’re drunk, so they’re like “totally, man!” And next thing you know, it’s next weekend and Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny and John Kerry are skipping down the Avenue Champs –Elysees by themselves.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, you can’t recreate that kind of thing. But we can revive this Olympic bid. I want to speak to the head of the IOC.

 

ETHAN: Then schedule the meeting yourself, I won’t have anything to do with it!

 

(Ethan turns around)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Excuse me?

 

(Ethan turns back to him)

 

ETHAN: What?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I wasn’t aware we were equals.

 

ETHAN: Oh, come on, we’ve been working together for fourteen years!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: THAT DOESN’T MATTER! This is my dream, and I will not have it mocked! Remember you already pushed me out for this reason, are you off to do it again?!

 

ETHAN: …No sir.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: That’s right. Now get Valerie in here.

 

(Ethan leaves the office. Frustrated, he goes over to Valerie’s office, and pokes his head in as she’s working)

 

ETHAN: Hey-

 

VALERIE: What is it?

 

(Ethan bites his upper lip)

 

ETHAN: …Brian wants to see you. (Valerie gets up and walks out of the office without looking at Ethan) Apparently it’s National “Be An Assface” day. (Cut to Ethan in his office, pacing back and forth) I can’t conspire against him again, I can’t! But then how can I divert him from this path? It’s going to fail on its own, but, this is a waste of time and resources. What I need, is something to distract Brian. He’s like a thirteen-year old with self-diagnosed ADD who is actually just a dumb asshole that should be easy. (Ethan picks dials something on the work phone on his desk. He puts the phone to his ear and picks up the phone cradle as he looks out the window. But then, he notices that the phone cradle is slightly heavier than usual. He looks under the phone cradle to see a bug. His eyes widen and he hangs up the phone) Son of a bitch is spying on me!

 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office, speaking to Valerie)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: What have you gotten on the recordings so far?

 

VALERIE: He just seems to be, working. Although he’s said some nasty things about me.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Like what?

 

VALERIE: That I queef in elevators?!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, he has a point.

 

VALERIE: How would that be possible, women can only queef after sex!
 

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, and we have that janitor closet right beside the elevator.

 

VALERIE: Oh yeah. Still, he’s a jerk about it.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Nothing that smacks of betrayal right?

 

VALERIE: No.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, good. He’s on his best behavior then.

 

VALERIE: Not if you look at his purchasing habits.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Does he buy things over the phone?

 

VALERIE: No, I just do freelance work for Big Data.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Is Big Data one entity?

 

VALERIE: It’s ONE entity. It’s headquarters are everywhere and nowhere.

 

(Someone knocks at the door)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Come in!
 

(Ethan walks in wearing a coat)

 

ETHAN: I’m taking an early lunch.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Or are you taking a late breakfast?

 

ETHAN: …Do I have to stick around to respond to that?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: No, you’re dismissed.

 

ETHAN: Thanks, master.

 

(Ethan closes the door and walks away)

 

VALERIE: He’s awfully fresh.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: He’s got swag for days.

 

VALEIRE: No, “fresh” as in, not showing respect.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: We have to take his swag down a notch. Go make sure he hasn’t found that bug.

 

(Valerie nods and leaves the room. Evan walks in)

 

EVAN: You’re bugging Ethan?

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t say it!
 

EVAN: (High pitch, slight accent) This is illegal, you know.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Fucking hell.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Jamie in Ethan’s apartment, on the couch. Ethan is holding a pre-paid “burner” phone)

 

JAMIE: So you’re a drug dealer now?

 

ETHAN: No. I’ve considered it, but I’m afraid I’d end up accidentally dealing to my son. Or, dealing to myself, in some weird avant-garde piece.

 

JAMIE: That’s the worst avant-garde idea I’ve ever heard.

 

ETHAN: That’s what my 10th grade Avant-Garde teacher said to me while his hands turned into maggots. So listen, use this burner phone to call Mayor Sarandon and tell him that you’re Headhunter.

 

JAMIE: Who?

 

ETHAN: Headhunter was a mysterious man who saved Hansbay from bankruptcy in the mid-70s through an anonymous donation, signed only with the alias “Headhunter”. His only stipulation was that he be paid back some time in the next 50 years, whenever he calls the Mayor, demanding to be paid back.

 

JAMIE: And so I’m going to demand to be paid back?

 

ETHAN: Yes. That way, Sarandon will forfeit a bunch of money and will not be able to fund an expensive lobbying effort for the 2028 games.

 

JAMIE: How will they know it’s not a fake?

 

ETHAN: Because only Headhunter and top Hansbay officials, including me, know Headhunter’s code.

 

JAMIE: Wow. This is pretty genius.

 

ETHAN: Thank you.

 

JAMIE: Do I get one of those cool voice-alteration things?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I installed it on the phone.

 

JAMIE: Should I have a raspy voice or something, because I’m forty years older now?

 

ETHAN: Sure. I don’t know how the voice-alteration will pick up rasp though.

 

JAMIE: Should I blur my face?

 

ETHAN: Just make the call.

 

(Jamie punches in the number and puts the phone to her ear. Cut to Mayor Sarandon at his desk. The phone rings, and he answers it)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Hello?

 

JAMIE: (On the phone, with voice alteration) It’s Headhunter.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Sure it is. Do you have the code?

 

JAMIE: Cheese wheels.

 

(Mayor Sarandon stands up, in shock)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, it is you.

 

JAMIE: That’s right. And I need the cash.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Jeez, Headhunter, we appreciate it, but 500,000 dollars is a ton.

 

JAMIE: It wasn’t a gift from the kindness of my heart, Sarandon. It was a loan that I demand back, with interest! Wait a minute.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Alright, fine-wait, what? Did you say “wait a minute”?

 

JAMIE: Yeah, hold on. My, bitch is being a total mutt.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Uh…

 

(Cut to Jamie and Ethan. Jamie puts the phone to her shoulder)

 

JAMIE: (Whispering) Isn’t this a, robbery?

 

ETHAN: (Whispering) No, no, no, it’s not a robbery! We’re just trying to get the money away from the city-holy shit, this is a robbery.

 

JAMIE: (Whispering) Yeah!

 

ETHAN: We can’t keep the money!

 

JAMIE: Well, then who do we give it to?

 

ETHAN: …I guess we’ll have to find Headhunter.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: (On the phone) Hello?

 

(Jamie gets back on the phone)

 

JAMIE: Listen, you pompous, portly pissant!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, only I can alliterate insults!
 

JAMIE: You need to drop the money in the Adirondacks Mountains at the following coordinates, get your pencil ready- (Cut to Mayor Sarandon taking out a pencil and paper) 44.1125° North, 73.9239° West.

 

(Mayor Sarandon jots that down)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: At what time?

 

JAMIE: 9pm tomorrow!

 

MAYOR SARANDON: What should I wear?

 

(Jamie puts the phone to her chest)

 

JAMIE: What should he wear?

 

ETHAN: What-it doesn’t matter! Don’t put the phone to your chest like that.

 

JAMIE: Why?

 

ETHAN: Brian’s on the other line! This is almost cheating.

 

JAMIE: It’s not even close!

 

ETHAN: I’ll beat you up, Brian!
 

JAMIE: SHHH!!

 

(Cut to Ms. Zinke, from the hotel Jacob works at, talking to the doorman, the black bell hop and a bunch of other hotel employees in her office)

 

MS. ZINKE: Listen, you guys. Jacob had complained that you’ve been discriminating against him because he’s an ex-con.

 

DOORMAN: I mean, why would you hire an ex-con? He’s gonna make all the guests get up at six sharp to be counted!
 

BLACK BELL-HOP: And he might intimidate people.

 

MS. ZINKE: John, Steve, does he look intimidating to you guys?

 

STEVE: …Well, no, but let’s think about context here. His hair looks like it’s only been a few months since he got all of it shaved off. Prison skin-head much?

 

JOHN: Good point!

 

MS. ZINKE: He got out of prison over a year ago.

 

STEVE: Irrelevant. Once a Nazi, always a Nazi until you need hair to cover up that Swastika on your temple. I say we forcibly shave his head!

 

MS. ZINKE: GUYS! You have to play nice, or you’ll be hearing from me again. Understand?

 

JOHN: …Yes ma’am.

 

STEVE: Yes ma’am.

 

MS. ZINKE: Good. Now it’s 10pm, go put those Ande’s mints in all of our sleeping guest’s mouths.

 

(John and Steve nod and walk out of her office as she sits down. Cut to Jacob at his post. John and Steve walk over to him)

 

JOHN: We’ve been told to “play nice”.

 

STEVE: But let’s get something straight here. That doesn’t mean we like you.

 

JACOB: This is not playing nice.

 

STEVE: Don’t be silly.  (Steve extends his hand, as does John. Jacob shakes Steve’s hand) I’ll be watching you, Donahue.

 

JACOB: You’re really undermining this reconciliation.

 

(Jacob shakes John’s hand)

 

JOHN: Well, it’s hard not to feel salty when you get to text down here and we have to go shove chocolate in people’s mouths.

 

JACOB: Huuuh? (John and Steve walk toward the elevator and get on it. They glare at Jacob as the elevator doors close on them. Jacob rolls his eyes and looks at his phone. Some guy comes in lugging three bags, and Jacob runs over to help him) May I help you with one of these bags sir?

 

GUY: Uh, sure. (Jacob reaches for one of the guy’s bags, but the guy stops him) Whoa. (The guy hands him another bag) You can hold this one.

 

(Jacob nods and takes that bag and starts walking with him to the elevator. Jacob starts sniffing, as if he smells something)

 

JACOB: (Under his breath) Oh, wow.

 

(Jacob takes out his phone and surreptitiously dials 911 as they get into the elevator and the doors close)

 

GUY: What are you doing?

 

JACOB: Hi, I’d like to report drug possession at the Sullivan Hotel in Hansbay.

 

GUY: FUCK!

 

(The guy lunges at Jacob, but Jacob holds his face and arms back as the phone drops)

 

JACOB: CALM DOWN! GET BACK! I WILL DEFEND MYSELF!
 

GUY: MY PAROLE OFFICER IS GOING TO STOP DEALING TO ME IF THIS HAPPENS, DUDE!!

 

(Cut to Steve and John on the third floor of the hotel, holding bags of Ande’s mints right outside the elevator)

 

STEVE: So remember, turn them on their sides when you drop the mint in.

 

JOHN: What if they wake up?

 

STEVE: Tell them it’s all a dream.

 

(The elevator opens to reveal Jacob and the guy fighting)

 

JOHN: WHAT THE HELL?!
 

JACOB: HE HAD DRUGS SO I CALLED 911 AND NOW HE’S ATTACKING ME! GET HIM OFF!!

 

(Steve and John pull the guy off Jacob and out of the elevator and hold him down in a chair. Jacob grabs the luggage and brings it into the hall)

 

GUY: GUYS! GUYS! You can’t do this man, this’ll fuck up my life, man!

 

JACOB: FUCK OFF! You attacked me!

 

JOHN: Are the cops coming?!

 

(Jacob looks at his phone)

 

JACOB: The call failed.

 

STEVE: Yeah, you were in an elevator!
 

(Jacob calls 911)

 

JACOB: Yes, 911? We have a drug mule at the Sullivan Hotel. He also kicks like a mule and stinks like a mule.

 

GUY: I’ll deal you some if you let me go!

 

(Jacob puts the phone to his chest)

 

JACOB: The cops are on their way, and you’re asking if I want marijuana on my person by the time they get here?

 

GUY: …I suppose I am.

 

JACOB: Shut up.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Oleander, Michael and Oleander in a YouTube video where they are sitting on stools in their studio, facing the camera)

 

RYAN: Hey, I’m Ryan.

 

MICHAEL: I’m Michael.

 

OLEANDER: This is Oleander.

 

CHANCE: And I’m the cute one.

 

RYAN: He’s Chance. And WE’RE Depraved Hallway Fern. And we have a new single out.

 

MICHAEL: Except…YOU have to find it.

 

CHANCE: We put it in a box, stashed away somewhere near the Adirondacks Mountains.

 

RYAN: Anybody can find a stupid fucking box.

 

OLEANDER: But we’ll give you a hint. The box is red, and it’s near Whiteface Mountain.

 

MICHAEL: The purest of all the mountains.

 

RYAN: Yes-wait, what the hell does that mean?

 

MICHAEL: I don’t know, ask your brother, he’s the Nazi.

 

RYAN: What do you mean,my brother’s a- (Cut) contrary to rumors, my brother Jacob was never a skinhead when he was in prison. Don’t believe everything you hear.

 

OLEANDER: But believe us when we say that you’ll love this new track.

 

MICHAEL: We know it’s only eight degrees in Wilmington, New York, but that’s why this is for HARDCORE FANS only. We’re testing who is the biggest DHF fan out there.

 

RYAN: Plus, I know a lot of you are vamps who love the cold. Remember, if you’re below sixteen years old, bring an older friend.

 

CHANCE: Jesus Christ.

 

MICHAEL: And if you’re Anthony Fantano, don’t come.

 

RYAN: Do come, Anthony. DO come. And God speed. (Cut to Ryan, Michael, Chance and Oleander in the Adirondacks at night. Ryan is putting down the red box. They are all wearing heavy jackets) There we are.

 

MICHAEL: Now what?

 

RYAN: We wait in my heated car until some fans stumble upon the red box, and then we get out to congratulate them. And depending on their age and their attractiveness-

 

MICHAEL: And gender.

 

RYAN: Don’t trigger me. (Michael smiles) We maybe take them back to our studio.

 

CHANCE: You’ve been a real whore lately. And that’s coming from me, so you know I’m serious.

 

RYAN: Or just a hypocrite.

 

MICHAEL: You don’t think I know about you and Jason?

 

RYAN: Not even me and Jason know about me and Jason. We forgot again.

 

MICHAEL: Still. You guys know where you woke up. And you were doing drugs together! Whatever happened to sobriety?

 

RYAN: Listen, we have to look out for fans, we need to talk about this later.

 

MICHAEL: Dude, don’t give me that-

 

RYAN: Holy shit! Who’s that?

 

(They all look to see Mayor Sarandon in a heavy jacket holding a bag of cash)

 

OLEANDER: I don’t know, but it looks like a somewhat overweight, adult, man!
 

CHANCE: Jesus, this is one of those creepy adult fans. I’m surprised he’s wearing a beanie and not a fedora.

 

RYAN: Holy shit, that’s no creepy adult fan! That’s creepy adult SARANDON!
 

MICHAEL: The fucking Mayor?!
 

RYAN: YEAH!
 

MICHAEL: Holy balls.

 

OLEANDER: What possible reason would he have for being here? I don’t know this mountain to be a very active Red Light district.

 

(Cut to Mayor Sarandon standing there)

 

MAYOR SARANDON: HEADHUNTER?!!?

 

RYAN: He just screamed “Headhunter”. Is he off his rocker?

 

OLEANDER: No, he’d be wearing a Ushanka if that were the case.

 

RYAN: Oh yeah, that’s true.

 

MAYOR SARANDON: I’M LEAVING THIS FOR YOU, HEADHUNTER! COME AND GET IT!!

 

(Mayor Sarandon puts the bag down and walks away)

 

RYAN: Um…what do you think is in that bag?

 

MICHAEL: Maybe it’s Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s head.

 

RYAN: Only one way to find out!

 

CHANCE: Should we really go out there?

 

RYAN: Yeah, why not? Maybe this is some sort of crazy bribe and we can get that asshole out of office.

 

CHANCE: Yeah, and then we can get into office.

 

(Chance nods his head)

 

RYAN: No, that’s not gonna-

 

CHANCE: I have big plans for the future.

 

MICHAEL: And what do those include, Chance?

 

CHANCE: Anarchy. Only form of government worth trying. And I will be king of it.

 

RYAN: We’ve had this conversation with Brennan already, Chance.

 

CHANCE: Tell it to the Anarchic Council, dissenter!

 

RYAN: What the fuck? (Ryan sees Ethan and Jamie in masks going over to the bag) Shit, who are they?

 

OLEANDER: I don’t know, but we should get out of here.

 

MICHAEL: I can take them. If they try to touch me, I’ll be like “NOPE!” and put that brown belt in Karate from ten years ago to the test.

 

RYAN: Do you actually remember any of that stuff?

 

MICHAEL: No, but I’ve read that in an a life-or-death situation, it all comes back to you.

 

RYAN: Hmm.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Jamie opening the bag to see half a million in cash)

 

ETHAN: Holy fuck, it’s all here.

 

JAMIE: There goes the Olympics.

 

ETHAN: And the apartment we have!
 

JAMIE: Remember, we’re not keeping this!
 

ETHAN: Right, right. Greater good.

 

JAMIE: Oh, God.

 

ETHAN: What?

 

(Jamie points to a car she notices in the distance)

 

JAMIE: Who the fuck is that?

 

(Ethan stands up)

 

ETHAN: Let’s go check it out.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Chance, Michael and Oleander sitting in their car as Ethan and Jamie, still masked, head towards them)

 

RYAN: SHIT! THEY’VE SEEN US!
 

CHANCE: DRIVE!!

 

(Ryan tries to start the car, but it won’t start)

 

RYAN: FUCK!

 

OLEANDER: WHAT IS THIS, A FUCKING HORROR MOVIE?!
 

(Ethan and Jamie come nearer to the car)

 

RYAN: WE HAVE TO RUN!

 

MICHAEL FUCK THAT! IT’S TIME TO- (Michael jumps out of the car to confront Ethan and Jamie) D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!! (Michael lunges at Ethan and Jamie, but Ethan moves out of the way, and Michael lands on his face in the dirt as Ryan, Chance and Oleander get out of the car) Nope, I still don’t remember karate.

 

RYAN: PLEASE DON’T HURT US!!

 

(Michael gets up, and Ethan looks at Jamie, and then back at them)

 

ETHAN: (Fake raspy voice) We won’t-

 

RYAN: Dad?!

 

ETHAN: (Regular voice) Seriously?! (Ethan and Jamie take off their masks) My raspy voice wasn’t convincing to you?

 

RYAN: How in the-what are you-huh?!

 

ETHAN: Son, I can explain.

 

CHANCE: We demand an explanation.

 

ETHAN: But I also want to know why you guys are here.

 

RYAN: That doesn’t matter as much, why is your boss bribing you!? If he wanted you to do something for him, why would he need to bribe you, couldn’t he just order you to do it? Like-

 

ETHAN: No-

 

(Ryan slams his fist on the car)

 

RYAN: I DEMAND you do this!
 

ETHAN: He’s not bribing me! He thought he was giving the money to someone else-

 

MICHAEL: Holy shit.

 

ETHAN: No-

 

MICHAEL: Baller shock collar, you’re STEALING the money, Mr. Donahue?

 

RYAN: Are you!?

 

ETHAN: NO! I’m not!

 

JAMIE: We’re giving the money to its rightful owner.

 

OLEANDER: You know, all that money could easily fund our new album.

 

RYAN: Yeah, it could. We could afford a JD Salinger feature with that amount of money.

 

ETHAN: SHUT UP! Listen! None of you are getting this money, listen, I can explain! The year was 1974. An economic recession had befallen the nation in the previous year, bringing an end to the post-World War II economic boom.

 

CHANCE: Great, a history lesson.

 

ETHAN: Shut up! (Ryan puts his hand on Chance’s shoulder) As a result of this recession, Hansbay, Vermont was going bankrupt. But then Hansbay Mayor Elwood Seiberling received a mysterious phone call.

 

(Cut to Hansbay Mayor Elwood Seiberling in August 1974. He is a middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair, sideburns, thick brimmed glasses and he is sitting in the Mayor’s office while watching an old 1970s TV, which is displaying Richard Nixon’s resignation speech. He is smoking a cigarette while watching this)

 

PRESIDENT NIXON: (On TV) Therefore, I shall resign the Presidency effective at noon tomorrow. Vice President Ford, will be sworn in as President at that hour, in this office. (Mayor Seiberling takes a drag) As I recall the high hopes for America with which we began this second term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office, working on your behalf, to achieve those hopes in the next two and a half years. But in turning over direction of the Government to Vice President Ford, I know, as I told the nation when I nominated him for that office ten months ago, that the leadership of America will be in good hands. In passing this office-

 

(The TV shuts off)

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: What the hell?! (Mayor Seiberling takes out a remote and tries to turn the TV back on) Come on, I want tricky Dick back! RANDALL!
 

(Some dude named Randal comes in)

 

RANDALL: yes sir?

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: What happened to the TV?!

 

(Mayor Seiberling goes over and starts hitting it)

 

RANDALL: They shut off our TV service, sir.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: What?!

 

RANDALL: We can’t afford it anymore! We’re broke.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Jesus… (Mayor Seiberling wipes his brow with a napkin) oh, the sweat accumulating on my brow, it’s so moist up there.

 

RANDALL: Just relax, keep wiping it.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: But it just keeps coming, IT NEVER STOPS! GET ME A MARTINI AND A PANINI AND A CIGARINNI, STAT!
 

RANDALL: YES SIR!
 

(Randall leaves the room, and then Mayor Seiberling gets a call. He answers the phone)

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Hello?

 

SECRETARY: (On the line) Hey sexy, some random mysterious person is on the line.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Put him through.

 

SECRETARY: Yes sir.

 

(The call goes through)

 

HEADHUNTER: (On the phone, voice high and shrill) WELL HI THERE!
 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: JESUS, who are you?!

 

HEADHUNTER: The NAME’S Headhunter! And I’m going to save your city!
 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: But how?

 

HEAHDUNTER: How much money you need?

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Half a million dollars!
 

HEADHUNTER: WELL YOU GOT IT!
 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Stop screaming! What do you mean “I got it”?! You have half a million dollars?

 

HEADHUNTER: Yes. I earned it through my major corporation the name of which you’ll never know. I would like to remain anonymous.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Okay then, I’ll call you Anonymous! Thank you, Anonymous! I will never forget! And I will never forgive this gift!
 

HEADHUNTER: Call me Headhunter.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Right, sorry. How are you going to give me this money?

 

HEADHUNTER: I’ll leave it in a bag by Whiteface Mountain. And you will come and get it at 9pm today. HOWEVER, I do have stipulations here!
 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Yes, anything!

 

HEADHUNTER: I will contact the Mayor of this city sometime in the next fifty years to demand re-payment of this loan, plus interest!

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: So, whoever is Mayor in 2024 will have to mail the money to you in a flying mail truck?

 

HEAHDUNTER: Yes, and they can only talk to me via floating telephone booth!
 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: The future!
 

HEADHUNTER: Yes! Although I may demand it before 2024, like I said.

 

MAYOR SEIBERLING: Right.

 

HEAHDUNTER: The coordinates are as follows-

 

(Cut back to Ethan, Jamie, Ryan, Chance, Michael and Oleander near Whiteface Mountain)

 

ETHAN: So in order to stop Sarandon from pursuing Hansbay 2028, otherwise known as “Grand Delusions Theatre: Part 2”, I had to cut the funding away from him. So I faked Headhunter, and now I’m going to give this money to him.

 

RYAN: Do you know who he is?

 

ETHAN: No. That’s the hard part, actually.

 

RYAN: No shit! You had ONE JOB!
 

ETHAN: Don’t act like you gave this ONE JOB to me!
 

RYAN: You gave this ONE JOB to you, that’s what concerns me.

 

CHANCE: I don’t want to say anything, but that money’s just sitting over there, we should-

 

(They all run towards it. Ethan jumps on it)

 

ETHAN: GET AWAY! THIS IS MY MONEY!

 

JAMIE: It’s-

 

ETHAN: HEADHUNTER’S MONEY, YEAH! NOT YOURS! MY PRECIOUS!

 

RYAN: Well, how are you going to find out who he is?

 

ETHAN: It’s going to take some sleuthing.

 

RYAN: Well, Jinkies! How are you going to guarantee I won’t tell anybody about this whole thing?

 

(Ethan stands up)

 

ETHAN: Ryan, you wouldn’t.

 

RYAN: Remember that trial you had two years ago?

 

ETHAN: Vaguely.

 

RYAN: Yeah, obviously vaguely, because you’re roasting your nuts over an open fire again.

 

MICHAEL: Remember that rehab you were in a year ago, Ryan?

 

RYAN: Shut up, Michael.

 

ETHAN: You’re not using again, are you?

 

RYAN: NO! I’M NOT GODDAMNIT! We’re focusing on YOU!

 

ETHAN: Well, if you told somebody, that would fuckin’ ruin me, and I’m trying to do the right thing here!

 

JAMIE: And what if we can’t find Headhunter?

 

ETHAN: …Then we have no choice to return the money to Mayor Sarandon.

 

RYAN: …You promise me that’s what you’ll do?

 

ETHAN: I promise.

 

(Ryan and Ethan shake hands)

 

RYAN: Then we’ll help you get the money to Headhunter.

 

ETHAN: Thanks. I could use some minions.

 

RYAN: You might want to work on your good guy lingo.

 

MICHAEL: (High-pitched, slight accent) This is illegal, you know.

 

(They all laugh)

 

ETHAN: Wait, why were you guys here to begin with?

 

RYAN: We hid the lead single from our upcoming album here for hardcore fans to find. And nobody’s come yet.

 

ETHAN: Jesus, we have to get out of here before someone comes and witnesses us!

 

(Ethan and Jamie turn to their car)

 

RYAN: HOLD ON! (They turn around) My car wasn’t starting.

 

ETHAN: Fuck. We’ll have to pack into my car and have a tow truck tow your car away later.

 

RYAN: What tow truck will come out here?!

 

ETHAN: Don’t worry about it, just get in!

 

(They all run towards Ethan’s car and get in. Cut to Ryan and Michael sitting next to each other in the back, cramped)

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) This is insane.

 

RYAN: (Whispering) It’s the right thing to do.

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) We’re accomplices!
 

RYAN: (Whispering) It’s Headhunter’s money! He demanded it back!

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) On his terms. For all we know Headhunter is dead. It’s been forty years.

 

RYAN: (Whispering) We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) Can we come to this bridge? You fucking a sixteen-year old while he’s on drugs.

 

RYAN: (Whispering) We were both on drugs, and it was legal!

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) The drug part or the sex part?

 

RYAN: You know which part!

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) Was it one of those High Times “completely legal” highs, were you smoking wet concrete and hemp?

 

RYAN: (Whispering) Shut up, dude.

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) It was too close for comfort. All of it. You’ve been acting erratically recently.

 

RYAN: (Whispering) What else is new?

 

MICHAEL: (Whispering) Don’t give me that. You were doing better when you were sober. But, I guess your entire family is prone to rash decision making.

 

(Michael looks out the car window as Ryan looks down at his feet. Pan over to Chance, who is listening to his iPod and Oleander, who has his hands down his pants. Ryan looks over at them)

 

RYAN: (Whispering) See? Why can’t you be a non-contemplative person like my buddies over here?

 

MICHAEL: Fuck off.

 

(Cut to Jacob, Steve and John looking on as police escort the drug fiend from the hotel)

 

GUY: I would’ve gotten away with it too! If it weren’t for you calling the police on me!
 

JACOB: Was that statement in any way necessary?

 

(The police escort him away. Ms. Zinke walks over)

 

MS. ZINKE: How’s that for an Ex-con that has done good by society. Huh, boys?

 

JOHN: Sure thing. Good job, Jacob.

 

JACOB: Thanks.

 

STEVE: You’ve really outdone yourself.

 

(Jacob smiles)

 

MS. ZINKE: Back to work, boys.

 

(Ms. Zinke walks away. Steve and John turn to Jacob)

 

JOHN: Listen BUDDY! Like most Americans, we believe in legalization!

 

STEVE: Jackass!

 

JACOB: Wha-I do too!
 

JOHN: Well, that just makes it worse.

 

(John and Steve start walking away)

 

JACO: GUYS! WE SHOULD GET HIGH SOME TIME!

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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