The Donahues Episode 206

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan, Jamie and Ryan look for Headhunter so they may give the cash to him. Meanwhile, Towncenter gets screwed over and joins with Depraved Hallway Fern to seek a record label signing

Submitted: January 22, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 22, 2015









“I wish I could run into some that has some”

  • Adriana Avila


(We start with Ethan, Jamie and Ryan sitting in Ethan’s apartment at his dinner table, with the sack of cash sitting in the middle of the table)


JAMIE: Do we have to have this sack of cash sitting in the middle of the table?


ETHAN: If we don’t have it here, how are we going to know what we’re talking about?


JAMIE: I don’t follow.


RYAN: Yeah, I don’t either.


ETHAN: It’s just so pretty, it really brings the room together.


RYAN: Goddamnit, let’s just focus on figuring out who Headhunter is. Any leads?


JAMIE: People have been speculating for years. People have suggested Ben Cohen or Jerry Greenfield from Ben and Jerry’s, or the band Phish, but 1974 pre-dates all these peoples’ riches.


ETHAN: Now we’re getting somewhere.


RYAN: No, we’re not. Let’s not think so conventionally. (Ryan stands up) Let’s think like the people who were trying to track down the Zodiac Killer.


ETHAN: You mean the ones that never found him?


RYAN: Exactly! We have to find out this guy’s modus operandi. Like Criminal Minds, for philanthropists. I’ll be Derek Morgan, dad, you can be Aaron Hotchner, and Jamie, you’ll be baby girl.


JAMIE: Doesn’t baby girl have a name, in that show?


RYAN: Probably, but maybe not. Anyway, if he’s rich, but wants to be anonymous and not make a big show of his donation, he may be one of those crazy-ass reclusive billionaires whose funerals are attended by no one but the guy who wants the down payment on the coffin.


ETHAN: Great, so we’ll just loiter around Hansbay’s richest neighborhoods hoping to locate a foul stench.


RYAN: That’s one strategy.


ETHAN: Who are the wealthiest people in Vermont? That should be easy to come up with.


RYAN: Baby girl, we’re going to need a list of the wealthiest people in Vermont.


JAMIE: I’m on it. Don’t call me that, though.


(Jamie takes out her laptop and starts typing away)


ETHAN: Alright, now we’re getting somewhere.


JAMIE: Okay, I hacked into the mainframe!

RYAN: Look at her! She hacked into the mainframe to get out information, what’d you come up with?


ETHAN: Computers don’t use mainframe systems anymore-


JAMIE: John Abele is the wealthiest person in Vermont, having a net worth of three and a half billion dollars.


ETHAN: How old is he?


JAMIE: 77. But his business was founded in 1979.


ETHAN: Shit.


RYAN: Who’s the second richest?


JAMIE: Robert Stiller, but he didn’t earn his riches until the eighties.


RYAN: What did he make?


JAMIE: Those Keurig machines.


RYAN: Let’s just give him the money anyway. I mean, that dude is the shit.


ETHAN: Who’s after that?


JAMIE: There are no billionaires left, that’s it. Although…there are hood billionaires left…


RYAN: Rick Ross?


JAMIE: No, there’s this encrypted, deep web link to people who made their riches in the underground black market.


RYAN: Are you saying someone with an alias like “Headhunter” is some sort of criminal? Come on.


ETHAN: Click on it.


(Jamie clicks on the link)


JAMIE: Look at that.


ETHAN: What?


JAMIE: I got thirty viruses, but also, it says Giovanni Cardova is the richest criminal in Vermont.


ETHAN: No surprise there.


JAMIE: He got his start in the crime game in 1971. He could’ve had half a million by 1974.


ETHAN: I’m not giving a million dollars to a gangster.


RYAN: But what if he’s Headhunter?


ETHAN: Then I guess Sarandon will be getting his money back.


RYAN: Why don’t you just give Sarandon his money back now? If you get caught with this million dollars, you’re done for. They will throw the book at you. They will literally execute you by throwing legal books at you until you die from blunt-force trauma.


JAMIE: Ryan’s right, we didn’t think about this enough. Sarandon’s going to forget about the 2028 Olympics just like he forgot about the 2024 Olympics.


(Ethan leans back in his chair)


ETHAN: Wait a minute…


(Cut to Ethan, Jamie, Ryan and Leonard at Leonard’s house. Leonard is wearing the Airsoft vest Jamie apparently got for him)


LEONARD: My son! My grandson! And my pride and joy, Jamie.


JAMIE: Hi, Leonard.


LEONARD: Thanks again for the vest, Jamie.


JAMIE: You are welcome.


LEONARD: How are you doing, Ryan?


RYAN: I’m doing okay, Grandpa.


LEONARD: Is “okay” what qualifies for a good mood with today’s kids?


RYAN: I didn’t come here to have my generation insulted.


ETHAN: Don’t worry about Ryan, “okay” is a considerable improvement for him, just listen to the question I have for you.


LEONARD: Ooh! (Sarcastic) You traveled all this way to consult the elderly oracle that created you! Well, shoot.


RYAN: You know, you don’t seem to be in that great a mood either.


ETHAN: Ryan, quiet. Dad, do you remember Cole? From your clothing company?


LEONARD: Don’t remind me of that asshole. He was a weird bastard. He would apologize to me by giving me stuffed bears as “tokens of his contrition”. He one time traveled all the way to Mississippi to give me a bear.


JAMIE: Oh my Gosh.


LEONARD: That was actually the week that you were born, Ethan.


ETHAN: I seem to remember you telling me that he went on to become rich, right?


LEONARD: Yeah, he left my firm after the restructuring in 1968, and by 1973 he was a millionaire with his, goddamn stuffed bear company. Why do you ask?


ETHAN: Oh, well, um…I’m looking to get a giant stuffed bear for Jamie, for Valentine’s Day. Coming up.


LEONARD: She’s right there, Ethan!

JAMIE: Oh, we don’t try to hide gifts from our significant others, anymore. Another generational difference, I guess.


RYAN: Yeah, that and the belief in love.


LEONARD: Oh, well, why would you want a giant teddy bear from that asshole’s company?


ETHAN: I know you hate him, but…we have a coupon.


LEONARD: Oh. Well, why would you have to ask me for the company’s name then?


ETHAN: …Just cough it up, old man.


(Ryan and Jamie look at one another. Cut to Ethan, Jamie and Ryan sitting in their car, staking out Cole’s house)


RYAN: That was ballsy, earlier.


ETHAN: Sometimes you gotta make it clear what you want. Even if it’s with your dad.


RYAN: I’ll keep that in mind next time I want something from you.


ETHAN: You better not.


JAMIE: He’s here!

(Ethan takes out his binoculars, Ryan takes out a magnifying glass and Jamie takes out an Oculus Rift and they all put them over their respective eyes)


ETHAN: He’s going into his house!

RYAN: Everything looks so big!

JAMIE: We should head into that Realm!


(They all put down their devices and get out of the car. Cut to Ethan, Ryan and Jamie at the front gate of a mansion. Ethan presses a button)






VOICE: Hark! Who goes there?


ETHAN: This is Ethan Donahue, here with my son and girlfriend, Mr. Nedzi.


COLE: (On audio box) …Come in.


(The gate opens, and the three of them enter. They walk up to the door and a 79-year old Cole Nedzi opens the door)


COLE: Well, if it isn’t Ethan Donahue.


ETHAN: Hi, Cole.


COLE: I remember when you were just a toddler being brought in on “Bring Your Son To Work Day”.


ETHAN: Do you?


COLE: Just barely. Leonard tried to keep me away from you.


ETHAN: That makes sense. May we come in?


RYAN: Are you sure I should?


COLE: Don’t be silly, I have teddy bears for everyone.


RYAN: Oh, that’s a classic lure. I’m in!


(They all come in. Cole gives everyone a stuffed bear. His house is completely bear-themed, his furniture is fluffy like a teddy bear, and has teddy bear faces. Ethan, Ryan, Jamie and Cole all sit down in these teddy bear chairs)


COLE: Please, make yourselves comfortable in your “Teddy Chairs”.


RYAN: Nice. Knucks!

(Ryan extends his fist, and Cole bumps it)


ETHAN: My father would roll over in his grave if he saw this.


COLE: Did he die?


ETHAN: No, sorry, he didn’t.


COLE: Hmm. Because I was about to give you even more bears.


ETHAN: Anyway, I have a question for you, Cole.


COLE: Yes?


ETHAN: Are you Headhunter?


(Cole bites his upper lip and takes out a bear-themed walkie talkie)


COLE: Security, we have a-


ETHAN: Because I have your money.


COLE: Ignore that, security.


(Cole puts the walkie talkie away. Cut to a shot of two teddy bears with security badges sitting in front of a walkie talkie on the receiving end of Cole’s dispatches. The walkie talky relays his message)


WALKIE-TALKIE: ignore that, security.


(One of the bears falls over. Cut back to Cole, Ethan, Ryan and Jamie)


COLE: What are you talking about?


ETHAN: If you are Headhunter, I have your money.


COLE: But I didn’t even ask for it.


RYAN: So you ARE Headhunter?!


COLE: Yes, indeed I am. How’d you find me?


ETHAN: It’s a little something called intuition. I had a hunch.


RYAN: And I helped.


COLE: Well, how could you possibly have my money?


ETHAN: I, may have pretended to be you so Sarandon would give it to me so he wouldn’t have enough money to foolishly pursue his 2028 Olympic fantasies.


COLE: And so what? You’re giving it back to me now?




COLE: That was supposed to be on my terms.


ETHAN: Well, I can’t keep the money. It’s yours. And like you gave the money for the city of Hansbay’s sake, I’m taking money from Sarandon for the city of Hansbay’s sake.


COLE: He may be a delusional fuckwad, but there’s a reason I haven’t asked for the money back yet.


ETHAN: And why’s that? You’ve had plenty of opportunities to in the past forty years, Hansbay’s been solvent since you saved our asses.


COLE: Yes. But has it been solvent in spirit?


ETHAN: Pardon?


(Cole stands up)


COLE: That money was a message. A message that my time had come. And that Hansbay would pay me back not only in interest, but in the biggest Teddy Bear theme park Vermont has ever seen.


RYAN: That’s a cool idea!

ETHAN: So you want to spend the money on that-go ahead and spend money on that. It’s yours.


COLE: No, that’s not good enough. I want YOU and your FATHER and Mayor Sarandon to own huge shares in this Teddy Bear Factory. I want eminent domain and I want all my employees buried with me, alive, when I die.


ETHAN: Why do me, my father and Brian have to be shareholders?! ESPECIALLY why my father?

COLE: Because he never believed in me. When I worked for him. And now it’s time for him to put his money where his dick’s been. Because he fucked me over.


RYAN: And over?


COLE: And over again.


ETHAN: Thanks, Ryan. Mayor Sarandon and I are fine, you can just tel him you’re Headhunter and you want him to be a shareholder, but my father’s a different story, he can’t lose his retirement money! Otherwise he’ll have to live in a home, and he is not old enough for me to be paying a nurse to pretend that she’s his mom.


COLE: This is non-negotiable. Otherwise, I’ll turn you in.


(Ethan starts grinding his teeth)


RYAN: Now that’s a Kodak moment.


ETHAN: Fuck off.


(Cut to Jason, Brennan and the rest of Towncenter talking in Brennan’s garage)


BRENNAN: All I’m saying is, people are all over the internet saying that Depraved Hallways Fern’s single gimmick was a flop. Nobody trekked to Whiteface Mountain just to pry a frozen seven-inch out of a box. Not even those short, pale emo chicks whose hands are constantly cold anyway.


JASON: What’s your point?


BRENNAN: I’m saying we have to put our own single near Whiteface Mountain-and prove to the music world that our fans are more passionate than DHF fans.




BRENNAN: Do you have a better suggestion, Mark?


MARK: Yes, let’s just release the single online, and not just copy the bad idea that DHF had.


BRENNAN: That actually is a better suggestion.


MARK: Thank you!


BRENNAN: Alright. Sounds good.


JASON: We shouldn’t act like we’re enemies with, DHF either because they’re our friends. We shouldn’t be competing and shit, in fact, I think we should go on tour with them, at some point. Maybe during Spring Break?


(Brennan starts nodding his head, squinting his eyes and smirking)


BRENNAN: … (Relaxed cadence) Everyone out. (Confusedly, Mark, the bassist and Jason start to leave) Except Jason.


(Mark and the bassist leave)


JASON: How can you be mad and relaxed at the same time?


BRENNAN: I have no strong opinions about anything. But I do have perceptions. And I perceive what you’re trying to pull.


JASON: What is that?


BRENNAN: You’re trying to make us tour with DHF so you can get close to Ryan.


JASON: Dude, that’s not it.


BRENNAN: We all know what you guys did together last Friday.


JASON: How can you be sure? We can’t be sure. The ecstasy made everything a blur.


BRENNAN: I’m pretty sure that blur was small and pale and over-circumcised.


JASON: Ew. This is not my intention! If you don’t want to tour with DHF, fine, dude, but don’t go accusing me of shit.


BRENNAN: Fine, man. I’m sorry. I’ll bounce an idea off of you, then. Why don’t we play The Broom Closet in Burlington on Saturday? The spot just opened. It’s not an amazing venue, but it pays.


JASON: See? That sounds good to me.


BRENNAN: Awesome. I’ll book it. (Cut to Brennan, Jason, Mark and the bassist on stage at The Broom Closet, some bar in Burlington. There are a sparse number of people watching them, a lot of them being friends of Brennan’s, like Sarah, Michelle, Dion and Eric) HELLO BURLINGTON!


(Mic feedback, some girl with braces in the back of the bar stands up)





JASON: Did someone say “Pop Punk”?


(People laugh as Brennan glares at Jason with a smirk and turns back to the audience)


MARK: I’m almost positive someone did.


JASON: Well, we have it for you tonight.


BRENNAN: This first song is called “A Part of Me”, and it’s actually a cover of a Welsh Pop Punk band by the name of Neck Deep.


JASON: Yeah, so they don’t sue us.


(People chuckle, and Brennan looks at Jason again, and then back at the crowd)


BRENNAN: Alright, ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! (Singing) I’ll paint you a picture with words, “I miss her.” We still talk like everyday, but we don’t talk in the same way that we used to! I’ll move on and forget you! We could never see eye to eye, but either way.


BRENNAN AND JASON: (Singing) I like her ‘cause she’s smart, headstrong and independent! She puts me in my place, but I don’t know where I stand, and if only I could find the words, or muster up the nerve to tell her, I’ll never forget her and she’ll always have a part of me!


(Some people in the bar are clearly rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. Cut to where Michelle, Sarah, Dion and Eric are sitting, near some dude drinking a beer)


MICHELLE: …So how have you been?


SARAH: I’ve been great. And you?


MICHELLE: Awesome. Ryan’s absence has done wonders for my figure.


SARAH: Mine too. I think we should start the “Breaking Up With Ryan” diet.


(Michelle smiles)


DUDE WITH BEER: Jesus, they’re terrible.


MICHELLE: Those are my friends up there, you know.


SARAH: Dad, don’t confront. I mean, Michelle, don’t confront.


MICHELLE: I’m not confronting-


SARAH: I’m scared!

MICHELLE: You know what? I think they need some support, let’s go up there.


(Michelle gets up)


SARAH: Okay then!


(Sarah gets up. Eric and Dion reluctantly follow. And, a bunch of other people that are apparently Brennan’s friends follow. Cut to Brennan and Towncenter on stage)


BRENNAN AND JASON: (Singing) I like her ‘cause she’s smart!


(Michelle, Eric, Dion and Sarah hop on stage and start singing with them, to Brennan and Jason’s delight. A bunch of others follow)




(Jason starts doing a solo. As he’s doing that, everyone on stage goes off stage and goes in front of the stage)





(Brennan stage dives and lets his friends crowd surf him around the bar. Cut to Brennan and Jason sitting in the bar owner’s office)


BAR OWNER: Great show, guys.


BRENNAN: Thanks, man.


JASON: We had so much fun.


BAR OWNER: Unfortunately, we can’t pay you.




JASON: Excuse me?


BAR OWNER: Yeah, we can’t pay you the money we promised for the performance, you didn’t bring in enough people.


BRENNAN: Since when was that part of the deal!?


JASON: I think you’re giving us a raw deal!


BRENNAN: Yeah, what is this, anarchy? We gave you a product AND a service and you can’t just NOT pay us!


BAR OWNER: What product did you give us?


BRENNAN: ME! (Brennan points to his face) THIS!


(Jason points to his face too)


JASON: And this too!


BRENNAN: Well, not exactly-if this is an optometrist’s office, then you’re the mint you pick up from the receptionist’s desk, but I’m the goddamn-


BAR OWNER: Eye exam?


BRENNAN: No, I’m the-


BAR OWNER: Your music is as exciting as an eye exam?


BRENNAN: Dude, no, I’m a pair of glasses!

JASON: Yeah, that’s way more exciting.


BRENNAN: Fuck off, Jason!

BAR OWNER: Enough! You’re not getting paid. Get over it. And get out.


JASON: In what order?


BAR OWNER: You can sit in here and try to get over it if you want, but-


BRENNAN: You’ll be hearing from the lawyers I don’t have yet!


(Cut to Brennan, Jason and Norman sitting around the dinner table at Brennan’s house)


NORMAN: I’m not getting you a lawyer, Brennan.


BRENNAN: But dad! These assholes screwed us over!

NORMAN: This is what happens in the real world. Maybe it’s time you finally realize that. People get screwed over. Some people get screwed over by bar owners, some people get screwed over by adoption agencies.


BRENNAN: And they don’t get punished?


JASON: Did you not notice what your dad just said?


BRENNAN: Shh! And they don’t get punished?


NORMAN: Look at John Boehner, someone tried to poison him. Where’s the justice there?


BRENNAN: Isn’t that guy going to jail?


NORMAN: Yeah, but where is John Boehner going?




NORMAN: Home at night. To sleep in a bed. No justice.




NORMAN: Even if you got a lawyer, you’d waste all your money on legal fees that it’d be a net loss.


BRENNAN: Lady Justice never gets her justice…


JASON: We should start a #WeCantBreathe campaign.


BRENNAN: No, nothing ever came of that…


(Cut to Leonard, Ethan and Jamie in Ethan’s apartment, sitting around a dinner table)


LEONARD: You know, up there in France and England, they have these, no-go zones where only Muslims are allowed to go. In Birmingham, they have religious police that will beat, stone and sometimes kill anyone who doesn’t wear religious garments. Reminds me of the Birmingham of my day. Except, in the re-verse.


ETHAN: The Birmingham of your day?


LEONARD: Yeah, before Johnson ordered it to be moved to England to ease racial tensions.


JAMIE: Did you fall asleep in the second half of that MLK movie?


LEONARD: No, I fell asleep in the second half of the 1960s.


ETHAN: Dad, how is Birmingham, England like Birmingham, Alabama in reverse? That would only be true if white people were being beaten by black cops.


JAMIE: Not to mention, but all these “no-go” zons in England and France were completely made up by FOX News, David Cameron said he almost choked on his porridge when he heard about those lies.


LEONARD: I bet he almost choked on the gun that some Islamic extremist held in his mouth.


ETHAN: Hey, the gun was halal.


(Leonard and Ethan chuckle)


JAMIE: Oh my God. I hope Paris really sues FOX’s ass.


LEONARD: Worry not. Ethan’s good friend Mitt Romney will be President come 2017 and he’ll fix the world.


ETHAN: When I heard that Mitt is considering another run for President, I tried to call him to see if he was okay and if he needed to talk. I mean, what the hell?


LEONARD: At least Romney would approve the Keystone pipeline, so Congress wouldn’t have to do it for him.


JAMIE: These pipelines are built to spill, they’re on average expected to spill every seven years! Tar sands are chock full of carbon, which would mean RIP for the planet, and this pipeline could contaminate the groundwater.


LEONARD: What’s wrong with carbon? Look! (Leonard takes out a Diet Coke) This is a carbonated beverage, doesn’t look so bad to me! And look outside! (Leonard points to a window, it’s snowing outside) It’s goddamn snowing out there! Doesn’t seem like there’s any global warming to me.


JAMIE: There’s a difference between weather and climate-oh my Gosh, never mind.


ETHAN: Listen, dad, maybe we should focus on the reason we’re here.


LEONARD: Yeah, there’s a typo in my will.


ETHAN: No, we didn’t-who told him that?


LEONARD: I just want to change it so Paul doesn’t get shit.


ETHAN: We can arrange for that, but for now, this is a business opportunity.


(Cole walks in)


COLE: It sure is, Ethan!

(Ethan, Jamie and Leonard stand up)


ETHAN: COLE?! What the hell are you doing here?!

LEONARD: Is that you, Cole?! You rotten son of a bitch!

COLE: Good to see you, Leonard.


LEONARD: Rot in hell! What is he doing here?!


(Cole puts a hand behind his back)




COLE: I have a little apartment-warming gift for you all.


LEONARD: I swear to God if you pull out a teddy bear, I will beat you to a pulp!



ETHAN: Not the time.


JAMIE: Fair enough.


COLE: Nope, I have a- (Cole pulls out a document) opportunity!


ETHAN: You have A opportunity?


COLE: Fuck off. I have AN opportunity!


LEONARD: You already made Ethan and Jamie a teddy bear, get out of our lives!

COLE: I don’t know that they told you, but, Ethan finds himself, once again, in a pickle. He needs you and Mayor Sarandon to invest in my Teddy Bear themed amusement park in order to get him out of it.


LEONARD: I’m not investing in anything you do, dumbass!


COLE: You seemed fine with investing in Charles Keating during the Savings and Loan crisis.


LEONARD: That’s because those were the days! Are these the days?! I don’t think so! Why the hell would Ethan need me to invest in your shitty Bear Park?


COLE: Yeah, why would he? Ethan?


(Leonard turns to Ethan)


ETHAN: …Cole was Headhunter.




ETHAN: So, Jamie and I pretended to be Headhunter so Mayor Sarandon would give us half a million dollars, so he wouldn’t be able to spend that money on pursuing the 2028 Olympics. In order to avoid a theft charge, we had to give the money to Headhunter, who we found to be Cole, and the only way he won’t turn Jamie and I in for theft is if you, me and Mayor Sarandon became shareholders for his, Teddy Bear, Park.




ETHAN: I’M NOT KEEPING IT!! And with interest, it was one million.


(Leonard turns to Cole)


LEONARD: Jesus, I have to be a shareholder for YOU just to keep my son out of prison?!


COLE: Yeah, so you can finally believe in me!!


LEONARD: You started your own business and made way more than me, why would you need my approval!?




LEONARD: Oh my God.


COLE: My father never GAVE me teddy bears as a kid! He abandoned me!


LEONARD: Then why were you such an asshole to me?!

COLE: Because you abandoned me too. So are you in? Or are you up for some conjugal visits?


LEONARD: I, I’m not sure how to react to all this.


ETHAN: Dad, I don’t want to go to prison.


(Leonard turns to Ethan)


LEONARD: You’re worse than Paul, you know that?




LEONARD: At least he never learned. You learned, but you don’t give a fuck.


(Ethan grits his teeth)


COLE: I’d love to stick around for this family feud, but SHOW ME- (Cole points to the right) DOING WHAT I TELL YOU!




(Cole points to Leonard)


COLE: DING DING DING! Good answer!


(Leonard stands up)


LEONARD: Why, I oughta punch you.


(Cole puts on a pair of 2015 novelty glasses)


COLE: You wouldn’t punch a guy with glasses, would ya?


ETHAN: You aren’t Jack Nicholson. And those are not real glasses.


COLE: These were- (Cole takes them off) the best I could get on short notice.


JAMIE: How did you have any notice that was going to happen?


COLE: Ethan, you have forty-eight hours to convince- (Leonard sits down) Mayor Sarandon to be a shareholder. Game on.


(Cole leaves)


ETHAN: …Let’s go back to talking about politics-


LEONARD: Fuck you, son.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his State and Local government class at UVM. The Professor is a young female named Professor Sarbanes)


PROFESSOR SARBANES: Alright, welcome to State and Local Government. I hope everyone had a great Winter break. Before we get into the syllabus, I wanna ask, who watched the State of the Union last night? (A few people, including Ryan, raise their hands) Okay, a few people. Just know that keeping up with current events is a huge part of this class. You’ll be expected to do that. So, you, in the black- (She points to Ryan) what was your favorite part of the address?


RYAN: Definitely when Obama was saying “he had no campaigns left to run”, and then Republicans started applauding, and then he was like “I know that because I won both of them”. (Everybody laughs) I mean, that was some Jay-Z shit.


PROFESSOR SARBANES: Yeah, for sure. He should’ve stage-dived and been crowd surfed for a bit, until he got to the right side of the aisle, where they would just drop him. (Everybody laughs) I also noticed he was very upbeat for a President whose party just lost control of the Senate.


SOME STUDENT: Yeah, he seemed like he was about to break out into song or something.


PROFESSOR SARBANES: Yeah. And John Boehner only rarely broke out his “I agree in principle” face.


RYAN: Which is sadly, also his O-face.




RYAN: Nothing. (Ryan gets a call, and he checks his phone. It’s Brennan. He puts it on silent and puts it back in his pocket) Anything else?


PROFESSOR SARBANES: Yeah, forty more minutes of anything else.


RYAN: Oh, okay. (Cut to Ryan walking out of class and calling Brennan) Hey, Brennan, sorry I didn’t answer, some of us are in college.


BRENNAN: (On the phone) Yeah, I would kill myself if I was.


RYAN: No one would miss you, what’s up?


BRENNAN: Listen, The Broom Closet refused to pay us after our performance there! We don’t work for free, we aren’t singing the blues on the street corner! Those people have genuine pain to express, we make ours up!


RYAN: Why aren’t they paying you for your melodrama blues?


BRENNAN: Because I didn’t bring enough fans in. But that was not a stipulation of the contract! If we just get to make up stipulations post-concert, I’d just say I require at least three maidens to carry me out of the bar on satin pillows. But all they have at that bar are these bar stool covers with tacks coming out of them.


RYAN: Well, what do you want me to do about it, Brennan?


BRENNAN: You know Kurt Ballou, right?


RYAN: Yeah.


BRENNAN: Can he help us crush these niggas?


RYAN: Wow, stop listening to Childish Gambino, white boy, and listen to me. What you need is a record label.


BRENNAN: What? Fuck that shit-


RYAN: Silence. Kurt is in the process of negotiating with Deathwish Records to pick us up.


BRENNAN: Fucking awesome, can we get on that?


RYAN: Wow, you changed your position on labels real quickly there.


BRENNAN: My pupils just turned to dollar signs.


RYAN: Did your weird, question mark nipples turn to dollar signs?


BRENNAN: Fuck off. Get me a meeting.


RYAN: They don’t usually pick up pop-punk acts. But if we show them one of your more emo or post-hardcore influenced songs, with Kurt’s help, maybe they’ll consider you, and we can work on the same label, and tour together.


BRENNAN: That’d be cool, man.


RYAN: Okay. And don’t worry, Deathwish isn’t an evil label. They are just host to evil music.


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Jason, Kurt and Michael in a meeting with suited Deathwish executives Jacob Bannon and Tre McCarthy)


JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob Bannon, and this is my partner Tre McCarthy.


RYAN: Sorry, you’re Jacob Bannon? From Converge?




RYAN: Holy shit! I love your work, sir! Why are you in a suit? I only ever see you in pictures as being shirtless or about to take off your shirt.


JACOB: Yeah, well, this is business me. I don’t want to look like a bumkin. (Jacob takes out a cigar and lights it and puts it in his mouth and inhales and exhales) Man, am I glad Obama lifted that Cuban embargo.


RYAN: I always took you for more of a “smoking crystal meth out of a sock kinda of guy”.


JACOB: As long as it’s Cuban.


KURT: Listen, Jacob, you must know at this point I produce for Ryan and Michael’s band.




KURT: Well, they’re expressing interest in being signed onto Deathwish, and I personally vouch for them.


JACOB: Interesting, and who are these other two gentlemen?


RYAN: Oh, they are my friends Jason and Brennan from the band Towncenter. They’re, emo, post-hardcore, screamo. Extreme shit. Give ‘em your best growl, Brennan!




RYAN: He’s shy.


BRENNAN: I’ll punch your dick off, Ryan.


JACOB: Listen, boys. Kurt has been a friend of mine for over twenty-five years. I trust his judgment in signing you guys.


RYAN: Great!


BRENNAN: We did it, Reddit!


(Ryan and Brennan hug)


TRE: What’s even better is that we’ll put your stuff on Spotify.


(Ryan and Brennan detach from the hug)


RYAN: Spotify? The streaming service?


KURT: Wait. Guys, I don’t know about that-


JACOB: What’s not to know? We make money, they make money, everybody’s happy.


JASON: How much money do we make though?


TRE: Oh, you know, 10 dollars per a certain amount of streams.


MICHAEL: What’s that certain amount? Ten streams? A dollar per stream?


TRE: Not exactly. More along the lines of, per…100,000 streams.




KURT: Guys, calm down.


MICHAEL: And what do you get?!


TRE: The rest.


MICHAEL: How much is the rest?!


TRE: It’s so much, it’s truly hard to define.


RYAN: Ten dollars per 100,000 streams?! Our last album didn’t even sell 100,000 copies!


JACOB: Guys, we’re doing distribution and marketing for you, and that shit gets expensive. So we need to afford things like this- (Jacob takes out a box of Cuban cigars) Cuban cigar box. You want some? After all, you’re paying for it.


MICHAEL: Showing off how much you waste the money WE should be earning is not a good way to pacify us right now!


JASON: I’ll take one though.


BRENNAN: Oh my God.


(Jacob hands Jason a cigar and Tre lights it for him as he sits back and puffs out the smoke)


JASON: I’m rich now.


RYAN: No, you’re a sixteen-year old being screwed over by rich people.


JASON: At least I’m around rich people.


RYAN: Is this how Deathwish treats every signee, Kurt?


KURT: Come on, Jacob, Tre, remember when we were coming up? Why are you gouging these kids? They’re just trying to make it in the crowded marketplace of punk-metal hybrids.


JACOB: We were screwed over by our first label too, Kurt, Earthmaker Records. Every single generation screws over the next, and we all overcome it to show how tough we are, and how we don’t care about the crotchety old man howling from the porch, but you know what? These four will grow up to star their own label and screw over people too!


RYAN: Why wait?


(Jacob looks at Ryan)


JACOB: Sorry?


RYAN: I said-


JACOB: You threw me off my game, could you repeat that?


RYAN: I said “WHY WAIT”!? (Ryan stands up) Me, Kurt, Jason, Brennan and Michael will just start our own label. We don’t need you two assholes.


JACOB: WHOA! Get the fuck out of here, you’re starting your own label?!


KURT: Ryan.


(Ryan turns to Kurt)


RYAN: Kurt, clearly they’ve lost their way. Why not help us out?


KURT: …You guys have lost your way.


JACOB: So what? You’re going to start a label with these four children? Let me share a little secret with you. (Jacob stands up) Don’t do that please, I need you, man.


KURT: That’s not a secret, that’s you begging.


JACOB: I was going to share the fact that labels don’t care about musicians, but that’s not a secret. So I had to improvise.


RYAN: Bad improvisation. You know, I was a fan until now. But I think I’ll pass on the next Converge record.


JACOB: Then I guess we’ll pass on you.


(Jacob points to the door)


RYAN: That’s a closet.




(Jason’s cigar drops out of his mouth)




RYAN: No, Jason, there’s-


(They all drop through the trap door, and scream as they fall)




(Jacob picks up Jason’s cigar and sees lip rouge on it)


TRE: Now they’ll have to battle their way through a maze of music journalists and the members of Trap Them.


(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Kurt, Jason and Michael at a meeting at Kurt’s studio’s conference room. Kurt is putting Vicodin in his coffee)


KURT: There we are, Vicky. You’re my best friend, girlfriend and life partner, Vicky.


RYAN: I can’t believe we hit Ryan McKinney over the head with a brick in the dark.


MICHAEL: Yeah, what an idiot, roaming around in the dark like that when we kept screaming at him to stay put. Good thing I paid him off with that cough drop I had in my pocket. Shit was lunch to him.


RYAN: So let’s discuss this, label, we’re making. What should it be called?




RYAN: No, you stoner. What should it be called?


JASON: Uhhh…maybe Donahue-Sanford-Bingaman-Ballou?


RYAN: You’re not including your own last name in there?


JASON: My last name sounds way too Jewy.


RYAN: What is it?


JASON: Griffin.


RYAN: No, that sounds more, Wizardly.


JASON: Jews are Wizards, what’s your point?


MICHAEL: It shouldn’t be a boring collection of names. It should be something menacing.


RYAN: Like, “Murder Sport”?


MICHAEL: Wow, Ryan, SUPER edgy.


RYAN: Dude, you said it should be menacing!


MICHAEL: But that’s trying way too hard.


RYAN: Fine, we’ll go subtler, maybe…”Smashed Teeth Records”.


MICHAEL: Now that’s just unpleasant.


RYAN: Holy shit, you said MENACING!

MICHAEL: Menacing, but not unpleasant.


RYAN: There’s a good label name.




BRENNAN: What about Anarchy Records?


JASON: Super original. We might as well name it Broken Bone records if we’re going to be that unoriginal about it. (They all look at Jason) Wait, no-


(Cut to Brennan, Ryan, Jason, Michael and Kurt at a press conference, behind a table with microphones and reporters in front of them, with a banner reading “Broken Bone Records”, which has a lego of a bone snapping, and blood coming out of the bone, behind them. Jason does not look happy)


KURT: I am proud to announce, that the members of Depraved Hallway Fern and Towncenter have come under my wing, to form a new record label called “Broken Bone Records”. Which they will both be recording under now, and will be signing artists on to. Any questions? (Someone from Pichfork raises his hand) Yes, Pitchfork?


PITCHFORK REPORTER: Why is there blood coming out of the bone, in your logo? Bones don’t have blood.


(Jason leans forward)


JASON: That’s what I told them!

(Ryan leans forward)


RYAN: Bones have marrow!


PITCHFORK REPORTER: It doesn’t look like that, though-




(Cut to Ethan talking to Mayor Sarandon by showing him a slideshow presentation. A chart showing profits going up from January 2015 through January 2020)


ETHAN: This Teddy Bear amusement park will bring in millions to the local economy as tourists look for cheap, affordable vacations for the whole family. Whether it’s Papa Bear, Mama Bear, or little Teddy, they will want to see which porridge is too hot, too cold, or just right, at Cole’s Teddy World.


MAYOR SARANDON: Why are you pitching this to me? You just decided to become a shareholder for some plush bear company?


ETHAN: Brian, this will make your pockets orgasm lint.


MAYOR SARNDON: My pockets have plenty of lint.


ETHAN: They’ll orgasm lint and you can replace the lint with money.


MAYOR SARANDON: What’s the real story here, huh?


(Ethan sighs and puts down the pointer)


ETHAN: The guy who owns this park is Headhunter. Okay?


(Mayor Sarandon stands up)


MAYOR SARANDON: How would you know that?


ETHAN: He told me. He approached me and told me. Why didn’t you tell me Headhunter had requested his money back?


MAYOR SARANDON: I was going to, but, this means I can’t pursue the 2028 Olympics anymore. That, and the 11th anniversary of my wife’s death, just, made me too depressed to tell anyone.


ETHAN: …I understand, sir. But you should consider this, considering all he’s done for the city.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fuck him. I already gave him a million dollars. Tell him I’m not interested.


ETHAN: (British accent) But, sir-


MAYOR SARANDON: Get out, I’m not in the mood to talk. Did you just have a British accent for a second there?


ETHAN: (Regular accent) So you are in the mood to talk?




ETHAN: Sir, think about it! If you become one of four shareholders in this business venture, and it is truly successful, you could make enough money to pursue the 2028 Olympics again!

(Mayor Sarandon looks at Ethan)


MAYOR SARANDON: That’s true.


ETHAN: See?!


MAYOR SARANDON: …Alright. Count me in. On one condition.




MAYOR SARANDON: If things start going South, I’m out.


ETHAN: Yes sir.


(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon shake hands)


MAYOR SARANDON: We’re going to host the 2028 Olympics, Ethan!

ETHAN: Hell yeah we are! (Ethan smiles and takes his chart and waves goodbye to Sarandon as he leaves the office. Ethan goes into his office and puts down the chart and closes the door and leans against it) Jesus Christ, that defeats the whole fucking point-


(Cut to black)



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