The Donahues Episode 21

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan tries to fight off an old flame and make sense of his relationship with Michelle, Ethan, Kimberly and Mayor Sarandon’s lawsuit goes to court, Jacob tries to find a hobby while his girlfriend has a sleepover, Eric finds new love and Michael and Brennan go on a date

Submitted: June 29, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 29, 2012






“Old shadow, appears, so close, brushes my arm, soft, out these lips, your name”

  • Unknown

(We start with Ryan driving on the street tapping on his steering wheel)

RADIO ANNOUNCER: The House Oversight Committee found Attorney General Eric Holder in contempt of Congress today, for failing to provide enough documents detailing events surrounding the botched “Fast and Furious” gunrunning sting administered by the ATF. The resolution to hold Attorney General Holder in contempt will go to the full House next week. “Fast and Furious” was a gunrunning operation involving selling weapons to Mexican drug cartels implanted with microphones so as to monitor them. However, the microphones eventually ran out of batteries and the weapons were used to kill a border agent.

RYAN: Jesus Christ. We might as well put cameras in cocaine or tag switchblades on Foursquare.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: This is NPR, your source for everything monotone and self-important.

RYAN: Where’s my café latte?

(An arm comes from the back of his car with a latte and hands it to him)

ARM: There you go, sir.

RYAN: Thanks. (The arm goes back) Wait, I have a Starbucks in the back of my car?! (Cut to an apartment building in Burlington. Ryan pulls up to the side of the street and parks. He sees another car right in front of his. Day turns to night. Cut to Ryan half asleep in his car holding a Starbucks) Jesus, when will his dad leave?

(A man comes out from back seat wearing a Starbucks uniform and a nametag reading “Rodney”)

RODNEY: Can I go?

RYAN: Sure, Rodney.

RODNEY: Thanks, Mr. D.

(He leaves the car. Suddenly, a man walks out of the apartment and goes up to his car, gets in and drives away)

RYAN: Thank God.

(Ryan exits his car and goes inside the apartment building. He goes up to the little information sign and sees SULLIVAN, ELMER D. at apartment 3H. He presses the button. After a few seconds, Eric buzzes)

ERIC: Who is this?

RYAN: It’s Ryan.

ERIC: Seacrest?

RYAN: No, Donahue.

ERIC: Oh. Okay, come up.

(Ryan walks upstairs to apartment 3H and knocks on the door. Eric opens up)


ERIC: What are you doing here?

RYAN: What do you mean?

ERIC: I’m mad at you.

RYAN: Why?

ERIC: I don’t…really remember, come in.

(Ryan comes into the apartment and Eric shuts the door)

RYAN: Wow.

ERIC: This is my apartment.

RYAN: This is very nice.

(Eric turns to him)

ERIC: Yes it is. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in here, dreaming of you?

RYAN: This dialogue sounds very familiar.

ERIC: Yeah, it’s what you said to me when I first when into your room!

RYAN: Oh. Well, Eric, I have a girlfriend. And you know what the best part about that is? I don’t have to deal with a jealous ex, because he’s dead!

ERIC: Wow, dark.

RYAN: Plus, I can have my relationship in the open-is that a coffee maker?

(Ryan points to a copier)

ERIC: No, that’s a copy maker. The coffee maker is in my room.

RYAN: Why is there a copier n your kitchen?

ERIC: My dad likes to make copies.

RYAN: That doesn’t answer my question.

ERIC: Come into my room.

(Ryan and Eric walk into Eric’s room, which is as dark and emo as Ryan’s. They both sit on the bed)

RYAN: Wow.

ERIC: This is my room.

RYAN: This is very nice.

ERIC: Yes it is. Do you how many nights-

RYAN: Stop that!

ERIC: Sure.

RYAN: What do you want to do?

ERIC: Well, we’ve never really been just friends before, we’ve always just been boyfriend and girlfriend.

RYAN: Who’s the girlfriend?

ERIC: Let’s let the audience decide.

RYAN: What audience?

ERIC: My posters.

RYAN: (Laughs) Yeah. What do we do then?

ERIC: Let’s go somewhere. My dad won’t be back until tomorrow.

RYAN: Where did he go?

ERIC: He’s a judge.

(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Mayor Sarandon and their lawyer David Merkely in a board room. Ethan, David and Mayor Sarandon are all wearing suits while Kimberly wears a pants suit)

ETHAN: Finally, this case is going to rock and roll all night, and party everyday.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, we filed this lawsuit nearly a month ago.

DAVID: Well, things take time. Now, you have taken those acting classes right?

ETHAN: Yes, unfortunately.

(Cut to Ethan wearing a turtleneck and sitting in a circle of people in a black room with a single light overhead on May 23, 2012. Enters, an acting teacher with a short beard and an unbuttoned suit vest over a white shirt and some jeans)

ACTING TEACHER: Welcome class. I am your teacher, Derivative Tacacardo.

ETHAN: Excuse me?

DERIVATIVE: Derivative Tacacardo.

ETHAN: No, your name isn’t that.

DERIVATIVE: Yes it is, I think it’s Dutch.

ETHAN: I don’t think it’s anything.

DERIVATIVE: Can we move on to the lesson?

ETHAN: Did a celebrity name you?

DERIVATIVE: Today, we’re going to focus on acting. Acting is an art, much like being in the army.

ETHAN: How is being in the army an art?

DERIVATIVE: Ethan, pray tell, have you ever read the “Art of War” by Sun Su?

ETHAN: Okay, fine, I’ll give you that one.

DERIVATIVE: Thank you. Now, have you ever read “Huckleberry Finn” by Mark Twank?

ETHAN: Okay, wrong name, and how does that factor into this equation?

DERIVATIVE: Art is like war.

(Cut back)

ETHAN: I’ve paid considerably.

DAVID: Well, it all comes down to the decision of the judge.

ETHAN: Is it a white judge?


ETHAN: Sorry, “Caucasian” judge.

KIMBERLY: That wasn’t why I was mad.

DAVID: Yes, it is a white male judge by the name of Elmer Sullivan.

ETHAN: Oh, is he a member of the Elmer Glue family?

KIMBERLY: His first name is Elmer.

ETHAN: Well, maybe they named the glue after his first name.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, but they don’t usually pass down first names like they do last names.


(Cut to Jacob shining his DC shoes on the coffee table. Kirsten enters stage right)

KIRSTEN: What…what are you doing?

(Jacob turns around)

JACOB: Wow, you scared me. Um, I’m shining my shoes, what does it look like I am doing?

KIRSTEN: It looks like your shining sports shoes, which is not normal.

JACOB: I just need them to look nice and shiny tonight.


JACOB: Because we’re going to that restaurant in the mall, you know the one with the Golden Umbrellas?

KIRSTEN: Oh, you mean the Golden Umbrella?

JACOB: No, not that one. Wait, is that the one with the golden umbrellas?


JACOB: Yeah, than that one.

KIRSTEN: Well, I can’t actually, I have to remove my sister’s lip ring and then I have a sleepover.

JACOB: Oh. Well, okay then. Another time.

KIRSTEN: Alright. Sorry, Jake.

JACOB: Don’t call me that.

KIRSTEN: Right, right, right.

JACOB: Are you sure I can’t come? I know what you girls do at sleepovers. Compare tits, complain about your period, jump and scream every time some dude comes on TV with a girl’s voice.

KIRSTEN: None of that is true.

JACOB: Not from your perspective.

KIRSTEN: Listen, this relationship has vastly improved recently. It used to be that you didn’t even want to tell people we were dating. Now, look at us!

JACOB: Exactly!

KIRSTEN: But, I also need time to be with my friends.

JACOB: But I need you!

KIRSTEN: Don’t you have hobbies to fill your time?

JACOB: Hobbies are for homosexuals.

KIRSTEN: No, they’re for interesting people.

JACOB: I’m interesting!

KIRSTEN: I didn’t mean it that way.

JACOB: Well, I like to…play video games?

KIRSTEN: So does every lazy asshole with a Mountain Dew belly who only leaves the house to refill on junk food and video games, and does so wearing Gears of War pajama pants in the process. But you’re not that guy; you’re a fun-loving, outgoing, caring guy who’s just a little insecure.

JACOB: I’m not insecure! Why would you say something like that?

KIRSTEN: See, that sounds like something an insecure person would say.

JACOB: Fair enough.

KIRSTEN: Find something to do while I’m gone, okay?

JACOB: Fine. Bye.


(Kirsten kisses him and leaves. Cut to Ryan and Eric walking into the Hansbay aquarium)

ERIC: Hey, I’m going to use the restroom.

RYAN: Okay. I’ll wait on this bench.

(Eric goes into the bathroom and Ryan sits down on a bench. Suddenly, a scene girl walks into the aquarium and sees Ryan sitting on the bench. She hesitates for a second, then walks over)


(Ryan looks up)

RYAN: Scarlett?

SCARLETT: Oh my god, what are the odds?

RYAN: What are they, indeed?

SCARLETT: How are you?

RYAN: I have a girlfriend.

SCARLETT: I just asked how you are.

RYAN: Right, I’m girlfriend. I mean I’m good.

SCARLETT: Right. You can relax, I’m not going to do anything, I just want to talk.

(Ryan gets up)

RYAN: To be fair Scarlett, we’ve only met once.

SCARLETT: But oh, what a once it was.

RYAN: Listen, my girlfriend is in the bathroom, and she takes really fast shits, like record time.

SCARLETT: What are you afraid of? Is she some jealousy freak? Trust me; you do not want to get involved with someone like that. I had a boyfriend like that, he slit my dad’s tires.

RYAN: Wow, what did your dad do?

SCARLETT: Well, he tried to land the plane, but the tires gave out and killed everyone on board except him.

RYAN: Jesus Christ, you didn’t tell me it was an airplane!

SCARLETT: Yep. He lives in Atlanta now.

RYAN: Why aren’t you in Atlanta?

SCARLETT: I have relatives in Vermont, remember? I told you when we met in Atlanta that I’d try to get my parents to take me to Vermont, so I could see you, but you never game me your number!

RYAN: Yeah, because I was with Brennan at the time!

SCARLETT: You couldn’t be friends with me?!

RYAN: You gave me head; we were way beyond that, I felt guilty enough.

(Eric comes out of the bathroom)

ERIC: Let’s go, Ryan. Who’s this?

RYAN: Um…Eric, this is Scarlett.

ERIC: Hello, Scarlett.

SCARLETT: Hello, Eric. Eric, this is Ryan.

RYAN: He knows who I am.

SCARLETT: Oh. Are you two with Michelle?


RYAN: She left early, she wasn’t feeling well. I knew something was awry, because her shits were taking too long.

ERIC: What?

SCARLETT: Oh, I see.

RYAN: So, shall we look around?

ERIC: I guess. Is she coming with us?

RYAN: Uh, Scarlett, do you want to come with us?

SCARLETT: Um, sure. But first, we need to go to the bathroom.

RYAN: No, I don’t need to go to the bathroom.

SCARLETT: I think there’s a fight going on in the bathroom, we should break it up.

RYAN: You can’t hear or see anything that’s going on in the bathroom-

(Scarlett grabs Ryan’s hand and drags him into the girl’s bathroom, leaving Eric confused. Cut to inside a bathroom stall)

RYAN: I really shouldn’t be in the girl’s bathroom.

SCARLETT: You know you want me.

(Scarlett puts her arms around Ryan, and Ryan removes them)

RYAN: Scarlett, behave yourself.

SCARLETT: Ooh, are we doing a teacher-students role playing thing?

RYAN: No, I’m legit telling you to behave yourself. I have a girlfriend.

SCARLETT: But, Mr. Donahue, I’ve been a bad girl! You should give me detention!

RYAN: We’re not role-playing!

SCARLETT: Send me to the office, Mr. Donahue!

RYAN: Fine. Go to the office. As in, leave this room and go to wherever the office is.

SCARLETT: That’s not kinky.

RYAN: That’s the point!

(Cut to a court room. A Ethan, Kimberly and David are sitting on one side and representatives for the Airzone trampoline company. A cop comes up to the front of the court room)

COP: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye, all rise for the honorable Judge Sullivan.

(Everybody rises as Judge Sullivan takes his seat. Judge Sullivan slams his gavel)

JUDGE SULLIVAN: The court will come to order. The lawyer for the plaintiff may rise and state his case.

(David stands up)

DAVID: Thank you, your honor. Your honor, (he begins to walk around the courtroom) there’s an old saying in the United States, “Safety is good.”

(The lawyer for the defendant stands up)

DEFENDANT LAWYER: Objection, your honor!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: On what grounds?

DEFENDANT LAWYER: That’s not a saying!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Overruled. Pick your battles, Mr. Gibson.


(Gibson sits down)


DAVID: Thank you, your honor. This clever phrase however does apparently not apply at Airzone incorporated. Their trampolines are very dangerous, and injured my client severely one month ago. Unfortunately, those wounds have healed.

GIBSON: Unfortunately?

DAVID: Your honor!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Sustained. Please be quiet, Mr. Gibson. There is no room for verbal assessment of absurdities in the court room. Although there is room for it everywhere else in this city. Anyway, proceed, Mr. Merkely.

DAVID: Thank you. Your honor. Like I said, these wounds have healed, but we do have pictures. (Someone rolls in a projector and someone else pulls down a screen. David turns on the projector and goes to the first picture, which is of him without his shirt on at the beach) Whoa, how did that get there? Wow, sorry about that your honor.


DAVID: Right. (He clicks to the next one, which is a picture of him naked, balancing a fedora on his erect penis, the courtroom gasps) Oh, sorry about that.

(Judge Sullivan slams the gavel thrice)


DAVID: Yes. (He changes it to a picture of Michael Biehn) How did Michael Biehn get there? Well, I guess he (Schwarzenegger accent) will be back!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: That’s the wrong character.

DAVID: (Regular voice) Oh, he’s right enough for me.

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Also, why do you have a picture of Michael Biehn in this slideshow?

(David changes it to a picture of Ethan with his injuries)

DAVID: Look at those He sustained those when Mayor Sarandon bounced into the net and the thing fell over. That trampoline should have bars, not a net! But, Airzone apparently doesn’t care about safety. Now, get this shit out of here. (People get the shit in question out) Your honor, I now call up Ethan Donahue to the stands.

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Without objection.

(Ethan goes up to the stands and an officer walks over to him with a bible, which he places his hand on)

OFFICER: Mr. Donahue, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

ETHAN: I does.

(Ethan sits down and the officer goes away)

DAVID: Mr. Donahue, what were you doing on the night of May 22, 2012?

ETHAN: Well…

(Cut to the morning of May 22, 2012. Kimberly is at home, doing bills at the kitchen table)

KIMBERLY: 11,000 dollars for a penguin statue? 14,000 dollars for an unmanned drone? 21,000 dollars for a shot glass the size of a wardrobe? What the hell is this stuff?

(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon, both dressed in suits, enter stage right)

ETHAN: Good evening, wifey.

MAYOR SARANDON: Good afternoon, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: It’s neither afternoon nor the evening, but whatever, Ethan, why did we spend 1,500 dollars on renting the old set of Seinfeld?

ETHAN: (Laughs) Oh, that was Brian and I, we lived there for like a week, I slept on the couch in Jerry’s apartment set, and Brian slept on the couch in George’s apartment set. We ate at the Tom’s Café set, too.

KIMBERLY: Was there food there?

MAYOR SARANDON: No, that’s the thing! We had a guy deliver pizza to the set! We also usually had him hang out with us in there, whether he liked it or not.

KIMBERLY: That’s disturbing, anyway, these bills are way too high and you’re buying too many things that you don’t need!

ETHAN: I need it all!

KIMBERLY: No you don’t, why the hell would you need a 5,000 dollar portrait of an American Eagle pistol whipping a Russian bear?

ETHAN: Sorry for being a patriot, you pinko!

KIMBERLY: The Cold War is over, and I am a patriot, just, (sighs) Listen, just calm down on the spending, okay? This is still a slow recovery.

ETHAN: Fine.

MAYOR SARANDON: You know, I was actually thinking about getting a portrait of Donald Duck raping Snooki in my office.



ETHAN: Not my style, personally, but a bold choice, and I commend you for it.


(They shake hands)

ETHAN: Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to jump on our new trampoline.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s also in these bills. Three-hundred dollars for a trampoline.

ETHAN: T’was a good deal.

KIMBERLY: T’was probably the only thing you got a good deal on.

ETHAN: Whatever. We’re going to go jump on the trampoline. Goodnight, Kim.

MAYOR SARANDON: See you tomorrow.

(They both start to exit stage left)

KIMBERLY: It’s not night, and no, I’ll probably see you in an hour when you come back inside.

(Cut back to the present)

ETHAN: I was with Mayor Sarandon talking to my wife about expenditures or something, and then Brian and I went to jump on the Airzone trampoline outside. And guess what? We got ourselves hurt, because of those yellow-bellied buffoons!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: No western insults!

ETHAN: Sorry.

DAVID: Well, how did that happen?

ETHAN: Mayor Sarandon bounced into the net, and the trampoline fell over. It was a tergedy. I broke my arm and nose.

DAVID: The arm and nose are the two most important parts of the body!

ETHAN: I-I don’t know if I’d say that, but they are important.

DAVID: What are you doing, man? You’re screwing it up.

ETHAN: I’m just saying that’s a pretty bold statement to make, I think the heart’s probably more important.

DAVID: No, it’s the nose and arm.

ETHAN: What are you doing?

DAVID: I don’t know. Your honor, I have no further questions.

(Cut to Jacob watching television)

JACOB: Oh my God, television sucks in the summer. There’s only reruns of Monk, and they played this same episode three hours ago.

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Coming up next, the same episode of Monk. If this’ll be the third time you’ve seen it today, you really need to get off your ass.

JACOB: That television announcer is right! I am going to Kirsten’s sleepover!

(Jacob gets up and leaves)

TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Don’t go to your girlfriend’s sleepover, though!

(Cut to Ryan and Scarlett in the bathroom stall)

SCARLETT: You know you want me!

RYAN: No, I don’t know that. Listen, Scarlett, you need to chill out.

SCARLETT: I need to chill out? Remember when we first met so, so long ago…it was January 2012,

RYAN: So recent.

(Memory sequence to Ryan, Kimberly, Ethan, Jacob and Madeline walking through an aquarium in Atlanta in January 2012)

ETHAN: President Obama’s state of the union was complete garbage.

KIMBERLY: It wasn’t the Gettysburg address, but it wasn’t garbage.

ETHAN: Yeah, it was less Jewish than the Gettysburg address, but still it sucked. The only part I liked about it was the “spilled milk” joke.

KIMBERLY: That was the only part I didn’t like.

ETHAN: Well, milk jokes tickle me. Like, what was the gallon of milk’s tax rate?


ETHAN: 2%! HA!

KIMBERLY: No, that’s Mitt Romney’s tax rate.

(Ryan looks over at Scarlett looking at fish in an aquarium. He departs from his group and goes right next to her to look at fish)

RYAN: These fish are pretty interesting, huh?

SCARLETT: Not really.

RYAN: Yeah. But you are.

SCARLETT: Thank you. What’s your name?

(They turn towards each other)

RYAN: My name’s Ryan.

SCARLETT: My name’s Scarlett, but my friends call me Scar.

RYAN: Really?


(They both laugh. Cut back)

SCARLETT: One thing lead to another, and I gave you head.

RYAN: Yeah. How did one thing lead to another again?

SCARLETT: You asked me how long you’ve been dreaming about me, and I remarked that we just met, an you said you’ve always known me in some capacity.

RYAN: Oh shit.

(Cut to Ryan and Eric in Ryan’s room in March 2011)

ERIC: Wow.

RYAN: This is my room.

ERIC: This is very nice.

(Ryan turns to him)

RYAN: Yes it is. Do you have any idea how many nights I’ve spent in here alone, dreaming of you?

ERIC: You just met me.

RYAN: It doesn’t matter. I’ve always known you. One version or another.

(Ryan closes the door and begins making out with Eric. After a little while, Eric stops him)

ERIC: Why are we doing this?

RYAN: Doesn’t this feel right?

ERIC: …Yeah.

(They continue making out. Cut to Ryan and Brennan sitting on Brennan’s bed, staring at each other)

RYAN: Brennan, we’ve been friends for a while, but do you know how long I’ve been dreaming of you? My entire life.

BRENNAN: We metnine years ago.

RYAN: It doesn’t matter. I’ve always known you in one way or another.

(They start making out. Cut to Ryan and Scarlett talking near the whale exhibit)

RYAN: Do you have any idea how long I’ve been dreaming of you?

SCARLETT: You just met me.

RYAN: It doesn’t matter. I’ve always known you in some capacity.

(They start making out. Cut back)

RYAN: My God. Michelle is the only one I didn’t pull that bullshit on.

SCARLETT: Excuse me?

RYAN: Listen, Scarlett, you’re a little bit crazy. I obviously got the wrong impression of you.

SCARLETT: Hell yeah, I’m crazy. (Whips her head around like a tiger and makes tiger noises) AM I CRAZY ENOUGH FOR YOU?

RYAN: You’re too crazy for me.

(Scarlett suddenly has a plush tiger in her mouth)

SCARLETT: (Muffled) You want my cub, bitch?

RYAN: Where did you get that?! Listen, Scarlett, I have a girlfriend and since you are crazier than a shithouse rat, I think it’s better we never see each other again. Bye.

(Ryan opens the stall and begins to leave, but Scarlett stops him)

SCARLETT: Ryan, if you go, where shall I go? What should I do?

RYAN: Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.

(Ryan walks out of the bathroom leaving Scarlett in tears. Cut to Jacob walking through the neighborhood late at night)

JACOB: This is going to be so romantic. Kirsten won’t even know what’s coming.

(Suddenly, a kid with a leather jacket comes out of the darkness)

KID: Hey! Kid. Passing through this area at this time of night is going to cost you a lot of dime.

JACOB: One dime? Okay, I guess.

KID: No, I said a lot of dime.

JACOB: So, like twenty cents?

KID: No, I mean it will cost ya a shitload of money.

JACOB: Piss off, I’m not paying shit.

KID: Oh, really?

(A bunch of kids in leather jackets with crow bars come out of the bushes, including Grimes and Aaron)

JACOB: Wow, please don’t beat me up! I have stocks!

KID: Really? Where?

JACOB: Facebook.

KID: Ouch. Sorry, kid. You have to pay up or get beat up.

AARON: Hold on. I know this kid. He’s the brother of the kid whose friend killed Jim nearly a month ago.

JACOB: Oh yeah. I am.

GRIMES: You’re not allegiant to your brother or his friend, are ya, Jakey?

JACOB: Don’t call me that, and no, not really.

KID: Perfect. How about you join us?

JACOB: Well, I was actually headed to-actually, you know what? My girlfriend did tell me to get a hobby.

GRIMES: Well, this is the perfect hobby. It just doesn’t require going to Hobby Lobby.

AARON: Actually, you can fashion a perfect shiv out of a knitting needle.

KID: You don’t really need to fashion it, it’s just kind of a stabbing weapon.

JACOB: You know what? I will join you guys. What’s the harm?

KID: Exactly. Let me introduce myself, I’m Phillip. I’m the new leader ever since Dirk went off that cliff because of the chicken run with your brother and him.

JACOB: Cool. Well, this is a win-win. I get to be part of a cool gang, and I don’t have to get beat up!

AARON: Actually, that’s the initiation process.

JACOB: What?

(Aaron tackles Jacob and everyone starts beating the shit out of him. Cut to Ryan walking out of the bathroom. He walks up to Eric)

RYAN: Eric, I have to go. It’s an emergency. Bye.

ERIC: What the fu-

(Ryan walks out of the aquarium. Scarlett walks out of the bathroom, still crying. Eric stands there, confused as Michael and Brennan walk up)

MICHAEL: Hey, was that Ryan Donahue that just left?

ERIC: Yeah.

BRENNAN: How weird, Michael and I were just checking out the aquarium-wait, how do you two know him?

(All four of them look towards the door that Ryan just left through, and there is a five-second silence)

ERIC: We don’t.

(Cut to Michelle folding shirts at Hot Topic. Suddenly, Ryan comes into the store and kisses her passionately)

MICHELLE: What has gotten into you?

RYAN: The combined weight of three people and a ninety pound faggot from last year was just lifted off my shoulders.

(He continues making out with her. Cut back to the court proceedings. Mayor Sarandon is on the witness stand. David is questioning him)

DAVID: What were you doing on May 22, 2012?

MAYOR SARANDON: It was the afternoon, and we were jumping on a trampoline, and I accidentally jumped into the net, causing the damn thing to collapse. This caused the horribleness that you saw in the picture you showed everyone.

DAVID: The fedora on my boner?

MAYOR SARANDON: No, for Christ’s sakes, the injuries to Ethan.

DAVID: Ah. Well, did the trampoline come with anything to hold it down?

MAYOR SARANDON: Not to my knowledge, no.

DAVID: Any warnings that this might happen?


DAVID: I have no further questions, your honor.

(David goes over and sits down. Mr. Gibson stands up)

GIBSON: I would like to cross-examine the witness, your honor.

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Without objection.

(Gibson walks over to Mayor Sarandon)

GIBSON: Mayor Sarandon, I heard that you like prostitutes.



GIBSON: Fine. Mayor Sarandon, a liar says what?



GIBSON: Once upon a time, a little man named Mayor Sarandon lied in a frivolous lawsuit, is that correct?



GIBSON: Have you seen previews for that new movie “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”? It looks pretty good, and I’m not usually a fan of Steve Carell-



GIBSON: This-(Holds up a piece of paper) piece of paper says Mayor Sarandon is lying.

DAVID: OBJECTION! Lack of foundation!


GIBSON: Okay. (Holds up a coffee mug) I obtained this piece of evidence by breaking in to the Donahue household late at night-

DAVID: OBEJCTION! Evidence obtained illegally, also, irrelevant.


GIBSON: Fine. Jesus….wait a minute, when did you say this incident happened?

MAYOR SARANDON: The afternoon.

GIBSON: And when did Mr. Donahue say it happened?

DAVID: Objection! Leading.


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know when he said it happened.

STENOGRAPHER: He said it happened at night.

GIBSON: AH HAH! Their stories are different. Your honor, don’t you think they would’ve known the time of day in which this happened? This is very fishy, your honor. I have no further questions.

(Gibson takes his seat while David rises)

DAVID: Your honor, I would like to call Kimberly Donahue to the stands.

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Without objection.

(Kimberly goes up to the stands and the officer approaches her with the bible. She places her hand upon it)

OFFICER: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?


(Kimberly takes the stand and the officer leaves)

ETHAN: I always thought Liberal skin sizzled when it touches the bible.


DAVID: Mrs. Donahue, what time of day did the incident occur?

KIMBERLY: Um…I’m under oath right?

DAVID: Yeah…sort of…

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Not sort of, you’re completely under oath.



(Cut to the morning of May 22, 2012. Kimberly is at home, doing bills at the kitchen table)

KIMBERLY: 11,000 dollars for a penguin statue? 14,000 dollars for an unmanned drone? 21,000 dollars for a shot glass the size of a wardrobe? What the hell is this stuff?

(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon, both dressed in suits, enter stage right)

ETHAN: Good evening, wifey.

MAYOR SARANDON: Good afternoon, Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: It’s neither afternoon nor the evening, but whatever, Ethan, why did we spend 1,500 dollars on renting the old set of Seinfeld?

(Cut back)

KIMBERLY: I remember someone was completely wrong about what time of the day it was, and someone else pointed it out, but I can’t remember if it was me, or Ethan, or Mayor Sarandon!

DAVID: Oh no. I have no further questions.

(David walks back and sits down)

GIBSON: Your honor, may I make my closing arguments?


(Kimberly goes back to her seat as Gibson stands up and walks around)

GIBSON: Obviously, they have not been able to keep their story straight because they are shit brained glass-tards.

DAVID: OBJECTION! Inflammatory!

JUDGE SULLIVAN: I’ll allow it.

GIBSON: Thank you, your honor, but I’ll rephrase. They can’t keep their story straight because they formulated this story and took advantage of the court system.

(David puts his head in his hands. Cut to hours later, a jury member hands the verdict to the judge)

JUDGE SULLIVAN: We, the jury, find the defendant, Mr. Steven Farmella and Airzone Incorporated, not guilty or liable to the injuries sustained by Mr. Ethan Donahue.

(The judge bangs the gavel. The plaintiffs look dejected while the defendants cheer and shake hands. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Kimberly around the dinner table)

MAYOR SARANDON: Damnit. I guess that teaches us not to pursue frivolous lawsuits.

ETHAN: Yeah…(rubs his temple) my lord, ever since he banged that gavel a migraine has been coming on.

KIMBERLY: Smoke some of your medical pot.

ETHAN: Yeah I should-wait a minute…is there any possibility Judge Sullivan is liable for my headache since he banged the gavel?

(They all form devious smiles on their faces. Cut to Ryan and Michelle watching television, holding each other)

RYAN: You’re different, Michelle Reed.


RYAN: You’re different from everybody else I’ve dated.

MICHELLE: I don’t doubt that.

(They look at each other and start making out. “The Look of Love” by Dusty Springfield starts playing. Cut to Jacob knocking on the door of someone’s house. He has a black eye and is beaten up. Kirsten opens the door in her pajamas. She looks shocked, and Jacob starts making out with her. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly filling out legal paperwork. Ethan pushes the paperwork aside and Kimberly and Ethan prepare to have sex on the dinner table. Cut to Eric and Scarlett in Eric’s room. They are sitting on Eric’s bed. Eric touches her chin and they stare longingly at each other. Cut to outside Eric’s room. Judge Sullivan walks over to it and listens in. He shrugs and walks away. Cut to Brennan and Michael looking at an aquarium full of sharks, talking about them profusely. Pan down to their hands. They both grasp each other’s hands. Fade to black)


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