The Donahues Episode 213

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

On the finale of part one of The Donahues, a relative of Kimberly’s gets diagnosed with terminal cancer and turns to her for support, while Ryan tries to escape from Hansbay and live a more
stress-free life elsewhere and Ethan attempts to deal with the legal repercussions of Mayor Sarandon pulling out of his position as shareholder for Cole’s company







“Reality seems valueless by comparison with the dreams of fevered imaginations; reality is therefore abandoned”

  • Emile Durkheim


(We start with an older woman standing near a roadside on a sunny day. She is with Kaley Altmire)


OLDER WOMAN: What a wondrous attraction.


KALEY: Yes, but I wouldn’t say it’s one of the Seven Wonders of the World, Barbara.


BARBARA: Well, I can’t afford to see Lake Eerie.


KALEY: Lake Eerie’s not one of the seven wonders-


BARBARA: It’s a huge lake!

KALEY: Yeah, there are a lot of those. And you can afford to see that.


OLDER WOMAN: Just, let me spend my last days the way I choose. The world’s smallest shoe is quite a spectacle. (Zoom out to see a huge billboard advertising “WELCOME TO ELKHART, DELAWARE! HOME OF THE WORLD’S SMALLEST SHOE! Population: Shoe”. Then cut to a microscope on the ground) Let me take a peek. (Barbara kneels down and looks through the microscope) How nice, it’s a pink converse.


(Barbara stands back up)


KALEY: I want to let you spend your last days the way you want, Barbara, but don’t limit yourself. Money doesn’t matter, you’ll see Jesus soon.


BARBARA: No, I’ll die before I can see that.


KALEY: What do you mean? You’ll see Jesus when you die.


BARBARA: No, I’m talking about the self-driving car that’s supposed to come out in 2035, called “Jesus”. I was really looking forward to napping while driving.


KALEY: Why would they call a self-driving car “Jesus”?! (Barbara points to a billboard across the road showing a Google Self-driving car with a halo over it and the words “COMING 2035…Jesus, The Self-Driving Car, coming to you from the Google Boys. Let Jesus Take The Wheel!” cut back to Kaley and Barbara) Wow. Really offensive.


BARBARA: You know what my number one regret is, Kaley?


KALEY: What’s that Aunt Barbara?


BARBARA: That I never had any children.


KALEY: Oh. Yes, well, you still have people that love you. I tell you what, you can spend time in Boston with me and my children.


BARBARA: No, I want to be in Colorado. Plus, your children are weird.


KALEY: Wow, thanks. Fine, whose children do you want to spend time with?


(Barbara stops to think for a second. Cut to Kimberly in her office at Altmire Racquetball. She is on the computer)


KIMBERLY: Wow, this net neutrality thing is insane, I swear-ugh, who am I kidding? I don’t even care about the news anymore.


(Luke walks up the door of Kimberly’s office and knocks on the frame)


LUKE: Knock knock.




LUKE: Anyone there?


KIMBERLY: Yes. I’m here.


LUKE: Hello, stranger.


KIMBERLY: Stop with the, awkward phrases, just talk!


LUKE: I’m sorry about storming out the other day.


KIMBERLY: You mean like, a week and a half ago?


LUKE: I know it’s been awkward.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, it has! Especially since we work together and my boyfriend has been avoiding me since then!

LUKE: But, I’ve decided I forgive you.


KIMBERLY: …Thank you. And I’m sorry about what I did. I’m just glad you care about things like that.


LUKE: Me too. And I’m glad I don’t have to live in storage anymore.




LUKE: Nothing, is there a shower in this building?




LUKE: I’m going to stop by the house then, be back later.


KIMBERLY: Alright. (Luke leaves. Kimberly gets a cell phone call. She picks up) Hello?


BARBARA: (Over the phone) Hello? Kimberly?


KIMBERLY: Yes, who is this?


BARBARA: It’s me, your aunt Barbara.


KIMBERLY: Oh, wow. Aunt Barbara, it’s nice to hear from you! I haven’t seen you in-


BARBARA: Five years and twenty days, yeah.


KIMBERLY: Right. Sorry about that. What can I do for you?


BARBARA: Well, first of all, how’s Ethan?


KIMBERLY: We’re divorced.


BARBARA: Oh. Well now that I’ve run out of things to catch up on with you about-


KIMBERLY: You have?


BARBARA: I’ll tell you what’s going on with me.


KIMBERLY: Go ahead.


BARBARA: Kimberly, I have terminal lung cancer.


(Kimberly stands up)


KIMBERLY: Jesus. I’m so sorry to hear that.


BARBARA: And because of this, I think you should get yourself checked.




BARBARA: Sorry, never mind, old habits from calling college boyfriends.


KIMBERLY: Hmm. How long have you known?


BARBARA: About a week. Your sister Kaley has been taking me around the country, trying to fill the six months I have left to live with as much levity as possible.


KIMBERLY: Why didn’t she tell me?


BARBARA: I told her not to tell anybody. I want to tell people on my own. I’ll be dead by September, and because of this, I want to fulfill one thing on my bucket list before I go.


KIMBERLY: What’s that?


BARBARA: Having a kid.


KIMBERLY: …Yeah, that ship may have sailed.


BARBARA: Basically, I want to spend my last months with a child. I never had kids, and I want to experience that joy.


KIMBERLY: Well, I don’t know what I can do about that-


BARBARA: How old are your kids, Kimberly?


KIMBERLY: Well, Madeline is twenty-one, Jacob is twenty and Ryan is nineteen.


BARBARA: Well, I’ll be spending my last days at my summer house in the mountains of Colorado.


KIMBERLY: Your summer house is in Colorado?


BARBARA: The reason I’ll be there is so I can get medical marijuana to ease the pain of my disease.




BARBARA: Do you think one of your children would like to stay with me for a while?


KIMBERLY: Barbara, Madeline and Ryan are in college.


BARBARA: And Jacob?


KIMBERLY: He’s not in college, but he has a baby on the way.


BARBARA: Wow, I missed a lot in the last five years.




BARBARA: Well, it was worth a shot.


KIMBERLY: Hey, don’t worry, we’ll come to visit.


BARBARA: That would be nice, thank you.


KIMBERLY: Of course. I love you.


BARBARA: Love you too.


KIMBERLY: Get better.


BARBARA: I won’t.


KIMBERLY: Sorry, just, um…have a nice day? I don’t know, see you soon.


BARBARA: Of course, bye.


(Kimberly hangs up and puts the phone on her desk. Kimberly starts shaking and sits down in her chair)


KIMBERLY: Jesus, I’m shaking.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the phone in his office)


MAYOR SARANDON: Mitt, are you kidding me? There are no strong Republican contenders for 2016. Chris Christie is the strongest, and that guy probably breaks a sweat while equivocating.


MITT: (On the phone) You think I’ll be a strong candidate, Brian? They rejected me twice. I haven’t been rejected that many times since I tried to pick up all those wives at that milk bar.


MAYOR SARANDON: We need a decisive leader in 2016, not a flavor of the week! Look at all the challenges we’re facing, at home and abroad. Putin is having politicians assassinated and then blaming people who later blow themselves to smitheroons-


MITT: Smitheroons?


MAYOR SARANDON: That Justice Department report on Ferguson, Missouri police showed that Ferguson’s police force was like a shakedown organization for black people, almost like the police are a rival gang, and all the while, unemployment is decreasing!


MITT: How is decreasing unemployment a challenge we’re facing?


MAYOR SARANDON: Because it lessens the chance of a Republican getting elected!


MITT: That is a huge issue.


MAYOR SARANDON: ISIS and Boko Haram just allied to form a League of Doom, and Hillary Clinton used her person e-mail while she ran the State Department, that could be something the GOP could go after her for!


MITT: She wants those e-mails to be released, there’s nothing incriminating in them.


MAYOR SARANDON: Maybe she’s a total bitch in some of those e-mails, though. We could tell male voters she’s on the rag.


MITT: That’s true. I’ll give that some thought. Thanks, Brian.


MAYOR SARANDON: You’re welcome.


(Mayor Sarandon hangs up as Ethan comes in)


ETHAN: Hello, sir.


MAYOR SARANDON: Good morning, Ethan.


ETHAN: Good morning to you, sir.


MAYOR SARANDON: Have you drafted our proposed budgets for 2016 yet?


(Brian puts on his reading glasses)


ETHAN: Yes, it is right here-


(Ethan takes a budget out)


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, before we discuss that, though, can you explain- (Mayor Sarandon takes out a copy of the Hansbay Quintessential with the headline “TEDDY BEAR THEME PARK RUNS INTO EMINENT DOMAIN ISSUES, HANSBAY CITIZENS PROTEST”) THIS SHIT?!!


ETHAN: Oh yeah, that.



ETHAN: Well, there’s not enough open land in Hansbay to construct the teddy bear theme park, so, Cole wants you to invoke eminent domain on some of the residents, tear their houses down and use the land for the theme park.


MAYOR SARANDON: Are you fucking kidding me?! You want me to use my power to invoke eminent domain on hapless Hansbay voters in order to have a theme park built that when it’s PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE that I’m profiting from the theme park?!


ETHAN: Why do you care? You’re not running for re-election in 2016.




ETHAN: I didn’t think you were-


MAYOR SARANDON: I changed my mind. This job is the only thing that keeps me sane.


ETHAN: …Oh my God, you can’t, you have to-


MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t have to do anything, I’m not invoking eminent domain, and you know what? (Mayor Sarandon throws the newspaper down) I’m withdrawing my shareholder status on this thing, too!


ETHAN: No, no, Brian, you can’t do that!



(Ethan walks over to him)


ETHAN: Listen, Brian, I’ll talk to Cole, maybe we can have the park built in another city-


MAYOR SARANDON: And make it apparent that I’m profiting from a business that’s not supporting our local economy? Come on.


ETHAN: Brian, Brian, don’t do this, okay?!


MAYOR SARANDON: Why do you care so much?


ETHAN: I can’t explain why you shouldn’t do this, but- (Ethan puts his hands on Brian’s shoulders) YOU SHOULDN’T DO THIS!

(Mayor Sarandon pushes Ethan to the ground)




(Ethan looks up at Brian, scared)


ETHAN: Brian, you don’t understand-




ETHAN: …I can’t tell you…


MAYOR SARANDON: Then you’re fired.


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: You just fucked me over in more ways than you can imagine.


MAYOR SARANDON: Well. It was about time that I repaid the favor.


(Mayor Sarandon smiles. Ethan shakes his head and walks out his office, and slams the door behind him. He rushes into his office, and takes out his phone and calls Cole)


COLE: (Over the phone) Ethan?


ETHAN: Cole!

COLE: Is he pulling the trigger?


ETHAN: Yes, but it’s against my head!

COLE: What?


ETHAN: He’s not doing the eminent domain, and he’s pulling out as a shareholder.


COLE: Jesus. Well…you know what I gotta do.


ETHAN: No! For the love of Christ, Cole, don’t turn me in!


COLE: That was the deal! Either you, Sarandon and Leonard remain shareholders, or your ass is being turned over to the authorities!


ETHAN: NO! YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO ME! I have children, I have a girlfriend-


COLE: You should’ve thought about that before stealing a million dollars. I’m sure you’ll find a nice girl in prison, but she might be a butch lesbian.


ETHAN: I’m not going to a co-ed prison, Cole! I’d be going to a fucking ass pounder!


COLE: With cheese.



COLE: They’re not all hygienic over there.


ETHAN: Fuck off! I’ll do anything if you don’t turn me in!


COLE: There’s nothing you can do. You know why?




COLE: Because nothing makes me sicker than a man who can’t live up to his word.


ETHAN: It’s my fault, Cole! It’s Brian’s fault!

COLE: Goodbye, Ethan.


 (Cole hang up)




(Cole slams down his phone. Valerie comes in)


VALERIE: Is everything alright in here?


(Ethan turns around)


ETHAN: Out of my way!


(Ethan comes out into the office area. All the workers are staring at him)


CONAN: Ethan, are you okay?


ETHAN: Fuck you, Conan.




(Ethan goes back into his office)


VALERIE: Ethan! Come out and apologize to Conan!


CONAN: Is it because I’m Hispanic but have an Irish name?


VALERIE: Yeah, I bet that’s why he’s mad.


(Ethan comes out with a box of his stuff, and rushes out of the office. Cut to Ryan tripping in Sarah’s room. He is on her bed. Sarah walks over to him)


SARAH: How’re you doing?


RYAN: Good, I feel really great. When you’re on acid, even unpleasant things are great. Like, I saw a cockroach in your bathroom, and we did battle, and in the end, I defeated him in glorious fashion. And I stole some of his cash.


SARAH: The cockroach had money?


RYAN: You’re damn right it did. How long have I been tripping, by the way? An hour or two?


SARAH: About a day.


RYAN: What?


SARAH: For about a day, I said.


(Ryan sits up)


RYAN: A fucking day?!




RYAN: It feels like it’s been like, two hours!

(Sarah stares at Ryan for a good twenty seconds)


SARAH: Doesn’t acid distort how time feels?


RYAN: Wow, don’t interrupt me, let me finish!

SARAH: Okay, so you’re still tripping balls.


RYAN: Listen, this has been fun, but I have to get going.


(Ryan gets up off the bed)


SARAH: Where are you going?


RYAN: I’m going, you know, home.


SARAH: Home? What’s at home? A laptop and some lube? Stay a while! The night is young!

RYAN: It’s day now! Because it’s been 24 hours!

SARAH: The night is so young, it’s not even night yet.


RYAN: I’m fine, Sarah, it’s been fun, but I gotta go.


SARAH: You can’t drive in your condition.


RYAN: It’s wearing off, trust me.


SARAH: TRUST ME! It’s not.


(Ryan tries to walk around Sarah, but Sarah blocks him)


RYAN: Sarah, get out of my way!

SARAH: Make me!

RYAN: I’m not gonna hurt you, but you know I could if I wanted to. (Sarah lunges at Ryan, and he jumps back and screams) Don’t hurt me!

SARAH: I could bring your malnourished bones in half!


RYAN: But why? Why do you want me to stay so badly?!


(Cut to outside Sarah’s door where Michael, Brennan and Eric are pressing against the door)


MICHAEL: (Whispering) We gotta prevent him from leaving, alright? Let’s hope he doesn’t jump out the window in an acid-fueled fit of hysteria.


ERIC: (Whispering) I could catch him.


MICHAEL: (Whispering) He’d break you.


(Amy Satch walks over)


AMY: Hey, I don’t know what you guys are doin’, but could I get you some drinks, or breakfast burritos or something?


(They all look frustrated)


ERIC: (Whispering) Mrs. Satch! Be quiet! We don’t want Ryan to know we’re here!



(Amy winks and walks away)


ERIC: Wow.


MICHAEL: Why’d she only get my name wrong?


(Cut to Ryan and Sarah in the bedroom)


RYAN: What the hell was that?


SARAH: I don’t know, my mom’s dumb, she says untrue things sometimes-


(Ryan rushes to the door and tries to open it, but Michael, Eric and Brennan push back)


RYAN: The fuck? Michael, Eric and Brennan ARE here!

SARAH: Yeah, well-


RYAN: Wait, I know what this is about! Did Jason talk to you guys?


SARAH: Maybe.


RYAN: And what’d he tell you?


SARAH: That…you’re running away. And we want you to rethink your decision.


RYAN: Running away? He’s totally exaggerating, I’m just going on a Spring Break trip, Spring Break is starting, remember?




RYAN: Well, FUCK YOUR SCHOOL THEN! But mine is starting March 9th. So out my way, huh?


SARAH: I don’t believe you. This is precisely what you would say if you were trying to BS your way out of this!

RYAN: Out of what? You guys can’t keep me from doing anything, this is unlawful confinement!


SARAH: Ryan, your whole family is here! All your friends! Your band, too!

RYAN: Oh, you mean my ex-girlfriends, my enablers, and my-well, my band and family?


SARAH: Yeah, I thought those were decent points!


RYAN: Sure, but, the rest is-just, I know what’s best, okay?


SARAH: This is for your own good.


RYAN: What’s for my own good? What are you going to do?


(Jason opens up Sarah’s window from the outside)


JASON: RYAN! Come out here!

(Ryan runs to the window and Sarah tries to grab a hold of him, but he slips out of her reach)


SARAH: Damnit!


(Ryan gets outside with Jason, on Sarah’s roof, and Jason closes the window)


RYAN: Good luck getting out here! (Sarah opens up the window) Oh, right.


(Michelle comes in the room, as do Brennan, Eric and Michael)


MICHELLE: Hold on! Hold the phones!


(Sarah turns around)


SARAH: Where have you been?


MICHELLE: I was having my period in the other room.




MICHELLE: Sarah, just let him go.


SARAH: Seriously?


BRENNAN: Michelle, what are you doing?


MICHELLE: We’ve been trying to save him for three years-


SARAH: Five years.


MICHELLE: Yeah, five years for you! So why don’t we just let him go? Make his own mistakes and learn from them?


SARAH: Because he doesn’t learn!


MICHELLE: Well, we have to accept a lack of control over that! Or else it’ll just tear us apart!


RYAN: Exactly. If you love something, let it go. And if it comes back, let it crash at your place for a while because it probably owes some really bad people a lot of money.


(Sarah chuckles)


SARAH: Goddamnit, you and your charm…fine, if you’re going, at least come in here and give us hugs.


(Ryan looks at Jason. Jason nods his head. Ryan climbs in the window and walks over to Michael)


RYAN: Goodbye, Michael. (Michael is tearing up) Oh, don’t cry. You’ll have to fight somebody if you cry.


MICHAEL: I really don’t like emotions.


RYAN: I know you don’t. (Ryan hugs Michael. Ryan then walks over to Eric) Eric…I found you after you were kicked out of your parents’ house, remember?


ERIC: Uh-huh.


(Eric is tearing up)


RYAN: We’ve had a lot of goodbyes. Like when you moved to Russia.


ERIC: Yeah. Never do that, by the way.


RYAN: I won’t. But we’ll meet again some sunny day.


ERIC: Don’t bring Colbert into this, that makes it harder.


RYAN: Sorry. (Ryan kisses Eric on the cheek and moves onto Brennan, who is also tearing up) It’s been a solid thirteen years, buddy.


BRENNAN: Jesus, I can’t believe this…


RYAN: Every time you feel phantom pains from your gunshot wound. Just think of me.




(Ryan hugs Brennan and moves onto Michelle and Sarah)


RYAN: And my two on and off girlfriends. (They are both teary-eyed) It’s a shame our relationships never overlapped.


MICHELLE: …I disagree…


(Ryan hugs Sarah)


SARAH: I’ll miss you.


RYAN: Me too.


SARAH: Stay safe.


RYAN: I will.


SARAH: Stay clean.


RYAN: I will. I swear I will. Love you.


SARAH: Love you too.


(Ryan detaches from Sarah and hugs Michelle)


MICHELLE: I love you.


RYAN: Oh, God, so do I.


MICHELLE: Keep in touch.


RYAN: Uh-huh.


(Ryan detaches from Michelle)


RYAN: I love all of you. Not you, Mr. Satch.


(Pan to Irville Satch standing in the doorway, wiping away tears)


IRVILLE: Oh Gad, me too.


RYAN: #FarewellRyan. (Michael furrows his brow, and Ryan climbs out the window and shuts it. They climb down the ladder that Jason set up) Does this mean you’re coming with me?


JASON: Unfortunately, no. I just thought it was wrong that they were confining you. Sorry for telling them, by the way.


RYAN: It’s alright, how’d you know they were confining me?


JASON: Skype.


RYAN: Wow.


JASON: Yeah, it was some Saw shit.


(Ryan chuckles)


RYAN: Well…I know we’ve only known each other a short time. But, goodbye.


JASON: Goodbye, Ryan. (Ryan and Jason hug, and then Ryan starts to walk away) Keep in touch.


(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Trust me. You’ll be the only one I actually visit.


(Ryan starts walking away again, and Jason looks confused and intrigued. Cut to Luke getting dressed in Kimberly’s bedroom, he is putting his shirt on. Kimberly comes in)


LUKE: Hey, what are you doing here?


KIMBERLY: Um, I came home early.


LUKE: Why?


KIMBERLY: …My Great Aunt Barb has terminal cancer.


LUKE: Jesus. I’m so sorry to hear that. (Luke walks over) Are you okay?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, I’m fine…but she wants one of my kids to go live with her in Colorado while she waits out her final six months.


LUKE: Oh my Gosh. Why?


KIMBERLY: She never had kids.


LUKE: Oh. Well, they’re all in- (The front door opens) who’s that?


KIMBERLY: I don’t know.


(Kimberly and Luke walk out of their room and go into the foyer to see Ryan)


RYAN: Hey.


KIMBERLY: Hey, Ryan, shouldn’t you be at UVM?


RYAN: Yeah, I just came here to grab a couple things.


KIMBERLY: Okay. Well, I have something to tell you.


RYAN: What?


KIMBERLY: Um…you know your Great Aunt Barb


RYAN: …No…


KIMBERLY: You last saw her when you were seven months old?


RYAN: Oh yeah, Aunt Barb. What’s gucci with her?


KIMBERLY: She has cancer.


RYAN: Oh. That’s not that gucci.


LUKE: That’s no gucci at all.


KIMBERLY: Anyway, the cancer is terminal, and she’s spending her last months in Colorado.


RYAN: Hm. Well, that sure is a peaceful place to be. Will she be with her husband?


KIMBERLY: She’s a widow.


RYAN: Wow, her life is getting less gucci by the minute. Who’s she going to spend her last days with?


KIMBERLY: Well, it’s kind of odd, but she…wants to spend them with one of my kids.


RYAN: …Really?


KIMBERLY: Yeah. Because she never had any children.


(Ryan starts to think)


RYAN: That’s interesting...why is she in Colorado?


KIMBERLY: So she can get medical marijuana.


(Ryan’s eyes light up)


RYAN: You know what…I volunteer as tribute to spend those last six months with her.


(Ryan faces Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: What? Ryan, you’re in college, don’t be silly.


RYAN: No I’m not.




RYAN: I’m dropping out.


KIMBERLY: What?! Like hell you are!

RYAN: Mom, I’ve decided I’m not mature enough for college.


KIMBERLY: Well, I could’ve told you that, but-




KIMBERLY: BUT if you drop out, you’re guaranteeing yourself a lack of a future! A reserved seat in the unemployment line!

RYAN: You don’t sit in an unemployment line!

KIMBERLY: You do if you’re a BUM!

RYAN: Or a war vet.


KIMBERLY: LISTEN! You are NOT dropping out and that is FINAL!

RYAN: Mom! I can focus on my music, I don’t need a degree to do that!


KIMBERLY: It’s 2015, Ryan, you need a degree no matter what!


RYAN: Does Elias Bender Ronnenfelt have a degree?




RYAN: He’s the lead singer of-oh fuck it, mom, this is my decision, you can either support me or not!


KIMBERLY: How about not?


RYAN: Well, then, I’m going to Colorado, bye!

(Ryan runs out the door and Kimberly chases him. Ryan gets into his car and Kimberly gets in front of it, while Luke stands by)





LUKE: He has a point.




LUKE: Seriously?! I was on your side!



KIMBERLY: RYAN! You’re throwing your future away!

RYAN: FINE! I can’t control what you think, but YOU can’t control what I do! Now get out of the way of my car! Please!

KIMBERLY: You’re gonna DRIVE to Colorado?


RYAN: One way or another!

KIMBERLY: That’s a thirty hour drive! How’re you gonna afford gas?!


RYAN: With your credit card-oh fuck.



RYAN: We’re at a stand-still now.


(Cut to Jamie in the apartment, on her computer)


JAMIE: Ooh, there’s a sale on meme games on Steam. I can play as a piece of bread, sounds like a pick-up! (Ethan enters the apartment frantically) Jesus, you scared me-



(Jamie stands up)


JAMIE: What are you talking about?!


(Ethan grabs Jamie’s shoulders)


ETHAN: Brian pulled out, Cole is turning us in, we have to flee the country before he can do that!



(Ethan starts packing)




(Ethan faces Jamie)




JAMIE: No, of course not, but-




JAMIE: We gave it to Cole-






ETHAN: I TRIED! (Ethan cries) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I TRIED!! But we have to get out of here before they put a restriction on our travel, so hurry up and pack, because they’re gonna throw the book at us!

(Ethan goes back to packing)


JAMIE: Where are we even going?!


ETHAN: You decide.

(Ethan throws a book of destinations at Jamie, that hits her in the chest)




(Ethan turns around)

ETHAN: Sorry!


JAMIE: You threw the book at me.


(Ethan goes over)


ETHAN: Russia. We need to go to Russia.


JAMIE: Fucking-


ETHAN: They don’t extradite to the US.


JAMIE: Yeah, let’s shack with Edward Snowden.


ETHAN: We could watch up on The Wire together!


JAMIE: Jesus. I can’t believe I’m doing this.


ETHAN: Be quick about packing.


JAMIE: What about your children?


ETHAN: Oh, God. (Ethan sits down) I won’t be able to see them again.


JAMIE: I’m sure they could visit Russia.


ETHAN: How often?! And would the U.S. even let them!?


JAMIE: I don’t know.


ETHAN: We don’t have time to think about this, we need to get going to the airport. I’ll say goodbye to them before I go.


JAMIE: Just a few minutes ago, I was worrying about taking advantage of a sale on Steam…


ETHAN: I know, right?


(Cut to Ryan in the car, with Kimberly in front of the hood. Kimberly, is tired, resting her chin on her hand, on the hood)


KIMBERLY: So you really want to spend the next six months at my Great Aunt’s place in Colorado?


RYAN: I really do.


(Kimberly sighs)




RYAN: …Really?!


KIMBERLY: Yeah. Like you said, I can’t stop you. Even if I cancel your credit card, you’ll hop on a train car or something.


RYAN: Damnit, I already had my hobo name picked out.


LUKE: What was it?


RYAN: Blood knuckles.


LUKE: Why?


RYAN: ‘Cause I’ll beat you until my knuckles are bloody if you mess with me.


LUKE: But you won’t.


RYAN: They don’t know that.


LUKE: You don’t look like you will either, you don’t have the build for it.




RYAN: Sorry.


KIMBERLY: Let me call Aunt Barb.


(Kimberly calls Aunt Barb on the phone, and she picks up)




(Barbara coughs on the phone)


KIMBERLY: Hi, Barb. How would you like to live with my son Ryan for the rest of your life? (Barbara coughs) Please tell me you’re coughing to bide time to think of an excuse about why you can’t.


BARBARA: No, I’m coughing because I have lung cancer.


KIMBERLY: Oh, right.


BARBARA: No, are you kidding me? I would love to live with Ryan for the rest of my life!


KIMBERLY: Damnit, alright. He’ll be over in a few days.


BARBARA: Thank you so much, Kimberly, you’ve done me the favor of a lifetime.


KIMBERLY: You owe me.


LUKE: The woman’s dying of cancer!




BARBARA: When I die, you can stay at my summer house.


KIMBERLY: Oh, really?


BARBARA: Sorry, I meant to say, when YOU die, you can stay at my summer house, in Heaven.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: Alright, Barb.


BARBARA: Alright. I look forward to getting to know your son.


KIMBERLY: Me too. Because I haven’t.


BARBARA: Pardon?


KIMBERLY: Nothing. Goodbye!


(Kimberly hangs up as Ryan gets out of the car)


RYAN: So what’d she say?


KIMBERLY: Let’s pack.


(Ryan smiles. Then, suddenly, Ethan’s car speeds into the street and parks, as Ethan gets out)


RYAN: What the hell, dad?!


(Ethan comes over and feels Ryan’s cheeks)


ETHAN: Oh, dear God, those cheeks. I’m so sorry bud.


RYAN: What?! What are you talking about?!


KIMBERLY: Did Great Aunt Barb call you? And if so, how did she do it so fast?!

ETHAN: Great Aunt Barb? (Ethan looks towards Kimberly) Didn’t she die?


KIMBERLY: Not yet. She-


ETHAN: I don’t have time for this, okay?!




RYAN: Why are you feeling my cheeks!?


ETHAN: Where are Jacob and Madeline?!


KIMBERLY: I don’t know, not here!


ETHAN: JESUS! Okay, listen, Ryan- (Ethan turns back to Ryan) I have to go away for a long time, it’ll all make sense soon.


RYAN: What?! Where are you going?!


ETHAN: Russia.


RYAN: Dad, you don’t want to be in a plane over Russia.


ETHAN: I love you, I’m sorry for everything, you’re not a faggot, you’re my boy.


(Ethan kisses Ryan on the lips, pats his head and runs to his car)




ETHAN: GOODBYE, KIMBERLY! I LOVE YOU! (Ethan hops in the car and Jamie drives up the street, but Jamie stops for a second, and Ethan peeks his head out the window of the car) Oh, and one more thing, Luke.


LUKE: What?


ETHAN: You’re not Ryan’s dad.


LUKE: Jesus.





(Ethan rolls up the window and Jamie drives away)




RYAN: I think I know why.


(“Forever” by Iceage begins playing, as we cut to Ryan at the airport with Kimberly, Luke, Jacob and Madeline. He is waiting for his terminal to board. Ryan, with tears in his eyes, hugs Madeline for an extended period of time, and then moves onto hugging Jacob and then Kimberly. He then shakes Luke’s hand. Cut to Ethan and Jamie sitting on a plane, looking very nervous. Jamie reaches up to click the steward button, but Ethan grabs her hand and shakes his head with widened eyes. Jamie nods and puts her hand down. Cut to Ryan on the plane. He looks out the window to see beautiful Lake Michigan. He smiles. But, the camera pans down to reveal his knee is shaking. Cut to Michael, Chance, Oleander and Kurt throwing sheet over all their instruments in the studio. Eric takes out a match and a small can of gasoline, and is about to throw both on the sheets, but they all grab ahold of his arm and prevent him from doing it, while yelling at him. Cut to Brennan looking at a picture of a seven year old Ryan, a seven year old Brennan and an eight year old Jacob inside of a pillow fort. Brennan is in his room while looking at this photo, and he opens up his closet to see the perfectly preserved pillow fort from TDEP38. He smiles at this sight, but then ten-year old Jeff Sanford comes in and kicks the fort over, making Brennan angry, and the two start wrestling on the ground. Cut to Michelle and Sarah standing in Michelle’s apartment. Michelle hands Sarah a roommate agreement. Sarah giddily signs it against the wall. As the song winds down, we cut to Kimberly watching the news in her living room)


KIMBERLY: Oh my God…


PATRICK WHITE: (Heard in background) A powerful millionaire named Cole Nedzi has tipped off prosecutors about Ethan Donahue, a 49-year old former Hansbay Chief Operations Officer at Mayor’s Office. According to the allegation, Mr. Donahue and his significant other, Jamie Gerlach stole roughly a million dollars from the city’s coffers. Reportedly, Donahue and Gerlach posed as Headhunter, the famous unknown philanthropist who saved Hansbay from financial ruin in the 1970s. Under this ruse, they were able to convince Sarandon that they wanted to be paid back for the help they gave the city forty years ago. Investigators checked Mr. Donahue’s apartment this morning only to find it empty, and cleaned out. According to Burlington International Airport, Donahue and Gerlach have fled to Russia. The Kremlin did not respond to requests for comment.


KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ…


(Luke walks over and turns the TV off and sits down and faces Kimberly)


LUKE: Listen-


KIMBERLY: Thank you.


LUKE: Oh. I thought it would take more convincing to show you turning off the TV was the right move.


KIMBERLY: No, I’d had more than enough of that.


LUKE: Okay, good. Listen…I know we’ve been through a lot. Professionally, personally, shag-wise.


KIMBERLY: Don’t call it shag.


LUKE: I called it Shag-wise.


KIMBERLY: No, that’s just something you added to it.


LUKE: Shag-wise was my porn name.


(Kimberly laughs)


KIMBERLY: Yeah, I bet.


LUKE: Point is, that, despite our ups and downs, I love you.




LUKE: I don’t know why I never saw it when I worked with you, but that’s probably because I had been divorced a couple times at that point.


KIMBERLY: Repeat offender.


LUKE: I blame it on the lack of kids.


KIMBERLY: Wow, it’s their fault if they’re there, it’s their fault if they’re not.


LUKE: Exactly. The point is, I’m glad this happened. You are such a strong-willed, clever and caring woman. And ever since Jeremy Clarkson was suspended from Top Gear- (Kimberly chuckles) you’re my one true love.


(Luke gets down on one knee. Kimberly covers her mouth)


KIMBERLY: Oh my God.


LUKE: Kimberly Altmire, will you marry me?


KIMBERLY: YES! Of course! (Luke and Kimberly stand up and begin to kiss. They pause for a second and look at each other) What’s the real reason you’re marrying me?


LUKE: Well…you remind me of my mother, and I can’t shag her, so you’ll have to do.


(Kimberly playfully pushes Luke and laughs. They then begin kissing again. Cut to Ethan and Jamie exiting the plane bridge at Moscow Domodedovo International Airport and walking into the terminal area with their luggage. They stop for a second, and Ethan breathes in the air)


ETHAN: Man, breathe in that sense of hopelessness.


JAMIE: You know, we’re going to be living in a place run by a madman who kills-


(Ethan puts his hand on Jamie’s mouth)


ETHAN: Shhhh, Jesus, Jamie! You can’t just say that around here!


(Ethan removes his hand from Jamie’s mouth)


JAMIE: Ugh. Sorry.


ETHAN: Now let’s find a hotel until we can find a more permanent place to live.


JAMIE: This is a place to die.


ETHAN: Okay, enough with that negative attitude! (Ethan faces Jamie) This may be, an INSANELY shitty situation. But all we have is each other. And we have to make the best of it. Okay?


JAMIE: How do you suggest we do that?


ETHAN: Well… (Ethan looks around and sees an ad posted on a wall that shows a picture of Edward Snowden and the text “NEED ROOM MATE(S)! HAVE LITTLE INCOME! CONSTANTLY SCARED FOR MY LIFE! AND I’M VERY CLEAN, QUIET AND CONSIDERATE! HOPE YOU DON’T MIND THE OCCASIONAL PATDOWN! CALL ME: ED SNOWDEN, 495-784-9201” and there is a flyer right next to it with the same picture bearing the text “????? ????? ???????????! ????? ???? ??????! ????????? ??????? ?? ??? ?????! ? ? ????? ??????, ????? ? ????????????! ???????, ?? ?? ??????????, ????????? PAT ????! ????????? ???: ED SNOWDEN, 495-784-9201”. Bot Ethan and Jamie see this and gasp) Holy shit.


(Cut to Ryan and Aunt Barbara sitting in her living room at her mountain house in Colorado. Aunt Barbara is lighting a pipe with marijuana in it while Ryan sits nearby, excited. Barbara inhales, and then exhales)


BARBARA: It really helps with the pain.


RYAN: Yeah, I bet!


BARBARA: How old are you again, Ryan?


RYAN: Nineteen, Aunt Barb.


BARBARA: Call me Barbara.


RYAN: Okay, cool. Aunt Barbara.


BARBARA: What are you into, Ryan?


RYAN: Music, mostly. I was in a band before I came here.


BARBARA: Oh, I hate that I broke your band up.


RYAN: No, trust me, it was time. I was getting distracted by the project. I’ll return to it eventually.


BARBARA: Please do. You have so much time on this Earth. Don’t waste it. Pursue your dreams.


RYAN: I will.


BARBARA: Do you dream of kush?


RYAN: A little bit.


BARBARA: Go ahead. (Ryan smiles and Barbara hands him the pipe and he lights it with his own lighter) Brought your own, nice.


(Ryan inhales and exhales and then puts the pipe down)


RYAN: I would’ve brought my own weed, but you know how airports get.


(Barbara laughs)


BARBARA: Yeah. Do you like the view from your bedroom?


RYAN: It’s amazing. I wake up every morning and see the mountains, and they’re just so, majestic. It’s like sleeping in a tree house up there.


BARBARA: Has it brought some optimism into your emo disposition?


RYAN: For sure, I feel completely unburdened by stress here. I climbed a bit down the mountain yesterday, and I found these arrow heads, and for the first time EVER, I was actually fascinated by arrowheads.


(Barbara laughs)


BARBARA: I know, this mountain really frees your mind. (Pause) Have you been having cravings?


RYAN: …No, not for the most part. The weed is helping me along.


BARBARA: Good. (Ryan takes another hit) I’m still surprised you told me about that.


(Ryan finishes his hit)


RYAN: I want to be open about things. And whether they want to admit or not, so do most people. I remember when I was younger, and I had this friend for a little while, and his dad was an alcoholic, and would stack empty beer cases, one on top of the other. Like, why make it so obvious that you have a problem?


(Barbara laughs)


BARBARA: So you’re saying it’s a call for help?


RYAN: Well, maybe, but it’s like, it’s not like heroin addicts just start playing darts with their used needles when you visit them! (Barbara laughs more) “Hey, look at me! I missed the dart board every time! Because I have a heroin arm!”


BARBARA: Oh my Gosh…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay Kimberly for what she’s done for me by sending you here.


RYAN: …Trust me, you’re doing ME a favor. (Barbara smiles. A honk is heard outside) Oh wow, that must be them!


(Ryan walks outside to see Jacob and Madeline getting out of Jacob’s truck)


JACOB: Hey, little bro!

RYAN: Shut up, you’ve never called me that before.


JACOB: Have I not? Okay.


(Ryan and Jacob hug)


MADELINE: Great to see you, Ryan.


RYAN: Awesome to see you, Maddie.


(Ryan and Madeline hug, and then detach from hugging)


JACOB: So. How is it up here?


RYAN: It’s beautiful. It’s like a dream, waking up every morning. Sometimes I dream about waking up, instead of dreaming about never waking up, like I usually do.




RYAN: Yes. So, how are you guys?


MADELINE: Wow, I smell weed.


RYAN: Yeah, she lets me in on that medical stash.


JACOB: Is that why you went up here?


RYAN: isn’t that why you visited? A week after I left?


JACOB: …’Course not.


MADELINE: That was part of it, for Jacob, but mostly, we wanted to talk. We haven’t really spoken in person about…dad.


RYAN: Right.


JACOB: Yeah, what the hell happened there? He stole a MILLION dollars?


RYAN: I told him it was stupid.


MADELINE: You KNEW about this?!


RYAN: He was trying to get the money away from Sarandon so Sarandon couldn’t use it to fund his 2024 Olympic ambitions. And then he gave the money to its rightful owner-


JACOB: Headhunter?


RYAN: Yes.


JACOB: Yeah, we’ve heard about him on the news. If that’s the case, why did he flee to Russia?


RYAN: I don’t know, probably because he would’ve gone to prison anyway.


MADELINE: Well, now Putin is giving dad asylum in Russia-I can’t believe I’m saying that.


RYAN: Yep. It’s pretty surreal. But remember, we can visit dad at some point. And all of us, here, we’re family. Nothing can change that. So, fam, what’s up with you guys?


JACOB: Well…my baby’s going to be a boy, named Kyle. And he’s due May 14th.


RYAN: Awesome. I’ll come down for it. And send Renee my love.


JACOB: Will do.


RYAN: And what about you, Maddie?


MADELINE: I’m writing a book of poetry, and I have a publishing deal, so it should be out by the end of the year.


RYAN: Make it a Christmas present.


(Madeline smiles)


MADELINE: For sure.


JACOB: So. Shall we come in? We can have dinner or something.


RYAN: Nah. I don’t like eating in front of other people.


MADELINE: It’s weird!


RYAN: It’s weird.


(Cut to black)



Submitted: March 11, 2015

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