The Donahues Episode 213.5

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A compilation of the short Donahues bits I released during The Donahues' hiatus from March to May 2015.

Submitted: July 15, 2015

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Submitted: July 15, 2015

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THE DONAHUES

 

“POST-GAMEPLAY”

 

TV-MA

 

“This is basically a compilation of all the short Donahues bits that I wrote between the ending of part one of The Donahues- episode 213, and the beginning of part two of The Donahues, episode 214”

  • Sean Byrne

 

(We start on April 24, 2015. Ryan Donahue is standing between two large rocks on a mountain. He is filing his nails and attempting to fix his hair. Ashton, in a tank top and hiking gear, walks over to him)

 

ASHTON: Were you prettying yourself up for me?

 

RYAN: No!

 

(Ryan throws the nail file to the side)

 

ASHTON: Well, I hiked all the way here, so this better be good.

 

RYAN: Hey, you said you were in Colorado anyway, because pot is legal here and you wanted to steal a bunch of it from a dispensary.

 

ASHTON: Yeah, but unfortunately, stealing pot is not legal, so that didn’t work out.

 

RYAN: Didn’t prepare for that variable?

 

ASHTON: You know how it is.

 

RYAN: No. Anyway, do you have it?

 

ASHTON: Yep. (Ashton takes out a bag of ecstasy tablets) Right here.

 

RYAN: Wow, nice.

 

ASHTON: You know, I truly thought I’d seen the last of you.

 

RYAN: So did I. But you know, after three years of insanity, I thought it was time to just settle down in Colorado and hang around a dying woman for a few months.

 

ASHTON: That seems normal. What do you mean three years of insanity?

 

RYAN: My life seemed to start going off the tracks the moment I stepped into Mayor Sarandon’s house in the Hamptons and met Mitt Romney. Ten months later, my dad was on trial for corruption, a year after that I was suicidal and a year after that, my dad lives in Russia and I dropped out of college.

 

ASHTON: Shit happens. Can I have my money?

 

RYAN: Sure.

 

(Ryan takes out eighty dollars and hands it to Ashton)

 

ASHTON: Thanks.

 

(Ashton turns around)

 

RYAN: (Mumbling) I got a fake ID.

 

(Ashton turns back to Ryan)

 

ASHTON: Huh?

 

RYAN: Nothing.

 

ASHTON: …Okay.

 

(Ashton turns around again and Ryan clears his throat)

 

RYAN: I got a fake ID, though.

 

(Ashton turns back to him)

 

ASHTON: What’s up?

 

RYAN: I got a fake ID. So I can get into bars, marijuana and otherwise.

 

ASHTON: Are they really going to believe you’re twenty-one? Aren’t you like, seventeen?

 

RYAN: Seventeen-really!?

 

ASHTON: Yeah, aren’t you like, a little emo teeny-bopper?

 

RYAN: I just told you that I dropped out of college! I turn twenty in June!

 

ASHTON: Goddamn, you’re a full grown man who straightens his hair.

 

RYAN: I like to feel pretty. It’s not a crime.

 

ASHTON: Want to help me rob a marijuana dispensary?

 

RYAN: I thought you said you weren’t going to do it.

 

ASHTON: I’m having second thoughts.

 

RYAN: Usually people don’t have reservations about NOT committing terrible crimes.

 

ASHTON: Well, I’m not people.

 

RYAN: You’re not, people?

 

ASHTON: I don’t feel…anything.

 

RYAN: That’d be nice.

 

ASHTON: Dark.

 

RYAN: You are severely sunburnt, by the way.

 

ASHTON: Yeah, I always wear dank tanks, so it’s kind of hard to avoid.

 

RYAN: No, you use sunscreen.

 

ASHTON: But it’s a bitch applying sunscreen to a sunburn.

 

RYAN: That’s why you do it beforehand-

 

ASHTON: Let’s just let cooler heads prevail and rob this weed dispensary, huh?

 

RYAN: No, absolutely not. I’m gonna go do this ecstasy with my Aunt Barb.

 

ASHTON: Is that old hag about to kick the bucket? I’ve been looking for a mountain raving spot.

 

RYAN: I’m tempted to push you down the mountain. But, it’s not a bad idea, call me up in three months.

 

ASHTON: Will do.

 

RYAN: And hey, will you go to bars with me?

 

ASHTON: Sure.

 

RYAN: Okay, get your own fake ID.

 

ASHTON: Alright.

 

RYAN: And don’t rob that marijuana dispensary!

 

ASHTON: Alright, DAD!

 

(Cut to Ryan and Ashton at a club in Trinidad, Colorado. They are both holding drinks. The club is crowded)

 

RYAN: Dude, I told you we would get in.

 

ASHTON: Hey, quiet down, they might hear us.

 

RYAN: WHAT?!

 

(Ashton holds his ear)

 

ASHTON: Wow, it’s not even that loud in here, dude!

 

RYAN: Yeah! Because Coloradans talk in a mere whisper about local legends and shit, let’s make ourselves legends! Of drinking!

 

ASHTON: You’re probably already a legend around here considering you rolled so hard on E that you walked through a plate glass window at a church, apparently thinking it was the club we were supposed to go to.

 

RYAN: It was colorful!

 

ASHTON: That doesn’t mean it’s a club!

 

RYAN: Then why did I see that priest partying with all those kids?!

 

ASHTON: What?

 

RYAN: What?!

 

(Cut to Ashton and Ryan talking to a girl at the club. She is a skinny brunette)

 

ASHTON: Hey, I’m Ashton.

 

GIRL: Hi!

 

ASHTON: I heard Trinidad is the sex change capital of the world, so, mind filling out this questionnaire?

 

(Ashton takes out a questionnaire)

 

GIRL: Never mind, then.

 

(She walks away)

 

ASHTON: Oh, wow, we know where the trap door is located now, huh?!

 

(An old fisherman with a beard walks over)

 

BEARDED FISHERMAN: (Whisper) Ohh, you wanna hear the legend of the old TRAP DOOR, do ya?!

 

RYAN: Get outta here, man! (Cut to Ryan and Ashton leaning against the bar, talking) Could I get another round?!

 

(The bartender goes over to him)

 

BARTENDER: Sure thing, Ryan.

 

(He starts making the drinks)

 

ASHTON: How does he know your name already?

 

RYAN: I don’t know, it’s not like I’ve ever gone here alone. So that is weird.

 

(Ryan finishes his drink. You can tell mascara is starting to slide down one of his cheeks as a tear)

 

ASHTON: Are you wearing mascara?

 

RYAN: No, I just cry black. My doctor says that the mascara has become one with my bodily fluids now. It’s called Mascara poisoning, it actually causes abdominal cramps and “loose tear gland” syndrome.

 

ASHTON: So you’re not sad?

 

RYAN: No, I am. But, I did get one thing out of the whole ordeal- (Ryan takes out a bag of weed) MEDICAL MARIJUANAAAAAAA- (Cut to Ryan talking to a black-haired girl while Ashton talks to the bartender) Can I buy you a drink?

 

GIRL: Sure.

 

RYAN: One straight vodka bottle for this one, barkeep.

 

GIRL: You’re ordering me a Vodka bottle?

 

RYAN: Why? Do you want something stronger? (Cut to Ashton lighting a cigarette in the bar while Ryan stands by him. The girl is gone) Dude, you can’t smoke in bars in Colorado.

 

ASHTON: Can they suck my dick in bars in Colorado?

 

(Ashton exhales smoke)

 

RYAN: Yes, actually.

 

ASHTON: Really?

 

RYAN: Yeah, bar fellatio is specifically allowed.

 

ASHTON: Wow, this is an increasingly liberal state. I bet Hillary’s going to win this one.

 

RYAN: Uh-huh.

 

(Cut)

 

ASHTON: So how are your folks back home?

 

RYAN: From what I hear, Luke and Kimberly are getting married soon, Jacob’s baby is due in a couple weeks, and my dad is roommates with Edward Snowden in Russia.

 

ASHTON: What about your friends?

 

RYAN: We don’t keep in touch. Although it appears Michelle is dating Delaware again. Ugh.

 

ASHTON: Really? Why?!

 

RYAN: I don’t know, but she seems to be going to school in Massachusetts again. And they even posted a picture of themselves on Facebook celebrating Delaware’s 20th birthday, which is crazy, I thought he was like, 22 at this point.

 

ASHTON: Are you sure those are new updates? Are you sure it hasn’t just been two years since Michelle updated her Facebook page?

 

(Ryan pauses)

 

RYAN: Fuck, I have to unsend that angry message and all that revenge porn.

 

ASHTON: Revenge porn?!

 

RYAN: Yeah, I sent Michelle naked videos and pictures of her from when we were dating and also from when we weren’t dating-

 

ASHTON: Weren’t dating?!

 

RYAN: WERE dating I said!

 

ASHTON: Yeah, then you said WEREN’T dating! So not only were you Facebook stalking her, you were ACTUALLY stalking her! Also, how is it revenge porn if you send it to her?!

 

RYAN: Because she has to relive painfully awkward moments, like when she didn’t notice I was inside her.

 

ASHTON: You’re bad at revenge, man.

 

RYAN: I need to go unsend that shit.

 

(Ryan walks away)

 

ASHTON: THAT’S NOT EVEN A THING YOU CAN DO!

 

(Cut to Ashton in the bathroom of the club. He is waiting outside a stall while Ryan vomits inside one)

 

ASHTON: You okay in there, man?

 

RYAN: Goddamnit, I’m dry heaving!

 

ASHTON: Why?

 

RYAN: I don’t know, I have to start eating better. And, regularly.

 

ASHTON: Regularly?!

 

RYAN: Yeah, dude, I go on streaks without eating, I’m a legend in that regard!

 

(The bearded fisherman peeks his head out of one of the stalls)

 

BEARDED FISHERMAN: (Whispering) Would you like to hear the legend of the guy who walked through a plate glass window-

 

ASHTON: GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, MAN!

 

(Cut to May 1, 2015. Ethan sitting in his apartment in Moscow. He has a full beard, and is drinking a dark and stormy while watching TV. The news casters on TV are speaking in Russian, talking about the earthquake in Nepal)

 

ETHAN: Goddamnit, I can’t understand what they’re saying.

 

(Edward Snowden walks in)

 

EDWARD: Come on, Ethan, you’ve lived here over a month, turn on English captions.

 

ETHAN: Those captions are never right though! Remember when Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy?! (Cut to April 12, 2015. Ethan and Edward are watching Hillary Clinton speak in her TV ad declaring her candidacy. There are English captions for the Russian translation speaking over her. The captions say “I am a frigid woman. I am interested in scolding America for being lazy and not buying me enough clothes”) Wow, I really doubt these captions reflect what she is actually saying.

 

EDWARD: Yeah, Putin has fun with his control of the media.

 

(Cut back to the present)

 

EDWARD: Well, then don’t watch TV. Use your computer.

 

ETHAN: What else can I do to occupy myself in this godforsaken country?

 

(Ethan stands up and finishes his Dark And Stormy)

 

EDWARD: Dude! I literally just made one suggestion!

 

ETHAN: I know, I know, the internet. But I’m tired of jerking off. I have no girlfriend and I’m stranded in Moscow with one of the most wanted men in America.

 

EDWARD: Dude, come on, I’m tired of you moping around.

 

ETHAN: Well, I’m tired of you blasting Eurodance all goddamn day!

 

EDWARD: I only blast it when I’m hacking into the mainframe.

 

(Ethan shakes his head)

 

ETHAN: That must be why you buy all those monsters too, huh?

 

EDWARD: Yeah, exactly right.

 

ETHAN: What are you even hacking? Who’s paying you?

 

EDWARD: Definitely not Putin. Definitely not.

 

ETHAN: Really?

 

EDWARD: Really.

 

ETHAN: Because I’ve been learning a bit of Russian-

 

EDWARD: Have you?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, and I notice that those messages that get left on your answering machine-

 

EDWARD: Uh-huh.

 

ETHAN: They sound a lot like Putin-

 

EDWARD: Sure.

 

ETHAN: And I’ve been learning a bit of Russian, and he says stuff like “bitch” and “you little bitch” and “chicken little bitch”, like, demeaning things.

 

EDWARD: So you just learned the word “bitch” in Russian?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, I asked some guy on the Moscow Subway how to say it. For fun.

 

EDWARD: How do you say it?

 

ETHAN: I don’t speak bitch, but I can understand it. You wanna know why?

 

EDWARD: Because you’re not a bitch-

 

ETHAN: Because I’m not a bitch! Yeah! Unlike some people!

 

EDWARD: We were talking about-you know what, never mind.

 

ETHAN: So what’s the deal with you and Putin? What is he making you do?

 

(Edward pauses)

 

EDWARD: Wanna see my hacking set-up?

 

ETHAN: …Sure…

 

(Edward beckons Ethan forth, and Ethan follows Edward into his room. It is a dark room, filled with monitors. The windows are blocked out by blankets and newspaper clippings)

 

EDWARD: Here it is.

 

ETHAN: Wow. This is…insanely cool. (Ethan looks at the newspaper clippings) Why are these all Moscow Times coupon clippings?

 

EDWARD: It’s a conspiracy, just, pay attention to the monitors. (Edward sits down and starts typing as Ethan sits down next to him) Check out what I can do.

 

ETHAN: I have no idea what’s going on.

 

(Edward clicks a final button)

 

EDWARD: I’m in!

 

ETHAN: Jesus, that was fast!

 

EDWARD: No, I’ve been working on getting into this for the past three weeks.

 

ETHAN: Oh. What is this?

 

EDWARD: It is your ex-wife’s bank statement.

 

(Ethan looks at Edward)

 

ETHAN: Excuse you?

 

EDWARD: Check it out, man, this is stuff she’s bought in the past couple months.

 

ETHAN: You’ve been spending three weeks getting into this?!

 

EDWARD: No, I’ve been spending three weeks perfecting the art of hacking people’s bank accounts. I just chose Kimberly as a test subject.

 

ETHAN: Oh my God, she bought a wedding dress.

 

EDWARD: Look at that. She must be getting ready for a big day.

 

ETHAN: She’s marrying Luke…Jesus…

 

EDWARD: Why do you care? You guys ae divorced.

 

ETHAN: For almost nine months, yeah, but…now that Jamie left me, it hurts. It really is a gut punch.

 

EDWARD: Sorry man, I didn’t mean to upset you.

 

ETHAN: I have no one. No one to hold at night. No one to, talk to about current events like the Baltimore Riots-hell, why would I even care about those riots?! I haven’t seen a black person in almost two months.

 

EDWARD: You can talk to me about current events. And you do. A lot.

 

ETHAN: It’s not the same. You ARE current events.

 

EDWARD: No, I was spit out many news cycles ago.

 

ETHAN: It was cool to see you on Last Week Tonight though.

 

EDWARD: Yeah.

 

ETHAN: I’m a bit butt-hurt you didn’t take me to meet John Oliver with you, actually.

 

EDWARD: I think one U.S. fugitive in one interview is enough, Ethan. Also, who taught you the term “but-hurt”?

 

ETHAN: I’ve been called it by mean Russian bullies in local schoolyards as I walk by.

 

EDWARD: God, you can’t handle living in Moscow for shit, huh?

 

ETHAN: One of those shits jumped on my back! He told me to get down on all fours like a dog or he would hurt my butt! I tried to have him arrested under those anti-gay propaganda laws, but he just said I was “butt hurt” and then jumped off and hurt my butt!

 

EDWARD: This story really makes me, sad for you.

 

ETHAN: Yeah! But we’re both in the same, “stranded in Moscow” boat! So move over, I want to spy on Kimberly some more.

 

EDWARD: Christ, you reek of desperation.

 

ETHAN: MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS FALLEN APART!

 

EDWARD: Jesus, man, I’ve lived here for almost two years, cry me a goddamn river.

 

(The doorbell rings. Edward stands up and Ethan gets on the computer. Ethan sees purchases for a wedding dress, a reservation for a spot at an orchard and a catering service)

 

ETHAN: She’s getting married in a fucking orchard?! Is the snake that tempted Eve going to marry them?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH A CHURCH?! Oh, who am I kidding, I don’t even believe in God anymore…

 

(Cut to May 4, 2015. Kimberly and Luke are in the conference room at work, planning their wedding. They have schematics of the location and numerous wedding magazines strewn around)

 

KIMBERLY: I feel like we shouldn’t have your mates from Nottingham perform at the wedding…

 

LUKE: But they’re my best buds from University!

 

KIMBERLY: Right, and that would make sense if they were like a barbershop trio or something, but you tell me they don’t have an “act” to put on.

 

LUKE: They could figure something out, they have skills.

 

KIMBERLY: Like what?

 

LUKE: Drinking hot beer out of a boot.

 

KIMBERLY: Was this a frat?

 

LUKE: First of all, don’t call it a “frat”. Would you call your country a “cunt”? No! You wouldn’t! Unless it was Scotland. Then you should!

 

KIMBERLY: So, it was a fraternity of xenophobic young Englishmen.

 

LUKE: “FEE FI FO FUM” was our motto. But if you think for a second that drinking hot beer out of a boot is “hazing”, think again! Because that’s how most Englishmen take their beer.

 

KIMBERLY: Ugh.

 

(Doyle comes in)

 

DOYLE: Hey! Wow, look at all these schematics, are you guys planning a heist or something? (Doyle chuckles) I heard it runs in the family!

 

(Doyle chuckles again)

 

KIMBERLY: Ass.

 

DOYLE: Sorry.

 

KIMBERLY: Also, Ethan’s not in my family-just, what do you want?

 

DOYLE: Well, I have some bad news. (Doyle closes the door and puts a manila folder on the table as he sits down) In that folder there is proof we were hacked. (Kimberly opens the folder and looks at it) And passwords to company e-mails were stolen, and are being presumably being used.

 

KIMBERLY: Jesus. We should call the police or something.

 

DOYLE: I did, I promptly called the authorities. But they spilled coffee on their computer and didn’t know what to do, so I took matters into my own hands. I traced the IP of this hacker, but it was highly encrypted, so I could only conclude that the hacker most likely lives somewhere on the Eurasian continent.

 

LUKE: Wow, that’s only four and a half billion people, we’ve really narrowed it down.

 

DOYLE: I did my best.

 

KIMBERLY: Thanks for bringing this to my attention, Doyle.

 

DOYLE: No problem. Does this mean I can get my coffee privileges back?

 

KIMBERLY: Coffee privileges-?

 

LUKE: Go nuts.

 

DOYLE: YES! SCORE!

 

(Doyle stands and excitedly jaunts out of the room)

 

KIMBERLY: Why?

 

LUKE: Sometimes he needs to be taken down a peg. Now, what is this hacker bullocks about?

 

KIMBERLY: …I don’t know…could it be a rival company?

 

LUKE: In Eurasia? We have no business anywhere but the Northeast United States. It’s probably just someone trying to hack and get our credit card info or something, thinking we may have said it somewhere in our e-mails.

 

KIMBERLY: Wouldn’t they just hack our financial records then?

 

LUKE: You would think so. Hmm…so what do we do?

 

KIMBERLY: They have our e-mails. We need to get the authorities on this. And I don’t mean whatever dopes Doyle contacted.

 

LUKE: I’ll get on it. (Luke stands up) When it comes to the wedding though, can my mates come?

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t they live in Liverpool?

 

LUKE: I told them I would invite them to my wedding when I was in University.

 

KIMBERLY: Everybody makes that promise in college. Also, you’ve been married before, did they go to those weddings?

 

LUKE: No, but they don’t know those weddings happened. This is for real.

 

KIMBERLY: Fine, invite them, but they aren’t performing.

 

LUKE: What is this bomboclat?!

 

KIMBERLY: What?

 

LUKE: Sorry, it’s a Jamaican expression supposed to convey shock or surprise.

 

KIMBERLY: Fun.

 

LUKE: I think so.

 

(Cut to Ethan in Russia, in Edward’s computer room. His eyes are bloodshot and a 4Loco is right beside him)

 

ETHAN: Goddamnit, all this lovey-dovey shit is giving me a MIGRAINE!

 

(Edward walks in)

 

EDWARD: Jesus Christ, Ethan, you’ve been in here for three days! Go outside or some shit! I should NEVER have taught you how to hack!

 

ETHAN: …I have to get her back…

 

EDWARD: Who? Kimberly?! You can’t go back to The United States unless you want to be in prison, so I think that’s out of the question.

 

ETHAN: …She can move here.

 

EDWARD: Well, she’s not going to. How long was she married to you?

 

ETHAN: Nearly twenty-two years.

 

EDWARD: Yeah, I think she’s had her fill. Come on, let’s go find you some Russian pussy.

 

(Ethan spins around to face Edward)

 

ETHAN: Where?

 

EDWARD: Let’s go to a Russian night club or something, they’re really awesome around here.

 

ETHAN: You know, I read your girlfriend moved here to live with you some time ago. What happened with that?

 

EDWARD: …Yeah, she left me.

 

ETHAN: Sorry to hear that. She moved to Moscow and then left you?

 

EDWARD: Well, she’s a pole dancing teacher, and there’s not much of a market for pole dancing classes in a country where the women are so hairy.

 

ETHAN: Good point.

 

(Cut to May 2, 2015. Ryan and Barb are at the dinner table in her Colorado home. Barb is putting gravy on her mashed potatoes)

 

BARB: See those riots in Baltimore?

 

RYAN: Yeah, those were pretty insane. I also saw that- (Barb hands Ryan the gravy, and he puts it on his mashed potatoes) mom who started slapping her son around for rioting.

 

(Barb laughs)

 

BARB: Me too! Man, we need those moms.

 

RYAN: I know, and that guy was all like, “STOP IT! Mom! I’m rioting! Go away, you’re embarrassing me in front of the looters!”

 

BARB: Yeah, the looters who scored some free paper towels.

 

RYAN: Worth it. But anyway, I’m just glad those six officers got charged. That’s the way to rebuild trust with the community. Punishing white people when they murder black people-I mean, they put Freddie Gray in the back of a paddy wagon with NO seat belts! He was shaking around like a pinball back there, no wonder he broke his neck and died.

 

BARB: He didn’t have a protective layer of OTHER black people in there to cushion him?

 

RYAN: No, surprisingly not.

 

BARB: Wow. That is pretty fucked up.

 

(The door bell rings)

 

RYAN: I’ll get it, it’s probably Ashton. (Ryan gets up and walks to the front door. He opens it to see Ashton in a tank top) What’s up, man?

 

ASHTON: I got that shit you wanted.

 

(Ashton reveals a baggie of acid tablets)

 

RYAN: YES! Thank you, Ashton.

 

ASHTON: When are we taking it?!

 

RYAN: Oh. (Ryan takes out a twenty dollar bill) Um, when are you taking my money you mean?

 

ASHTON: Are we not doing this together?!

 

RYAN: Ashton, we’ll hang out later. But I think I’m going to do this with my Aunt Barb. She’ll be dead in a few months and she should experience this before she no longer experiences…things.

 

ASHTON: Fine, man, go ahead. (Ashton hands him the bag and takes the money) But next time we head to a bar, you’re paying.

 

RYAN: With what money?

 

ASHTON: Start selling drugs like me, bro.

 

RYAN: I can’t sell marijuana in a state where it’s legal.

 

ASHTON: That’s why you sell fake acid!

 

RYAN: Excuse me?!

 

ASHTON: Only to people who aren’t your friends! Of course I sell the real shit, to you.

 

RYAN: You fucking better.

 

ASHTON: This will make you trip balls, it works better than the placebo I tested on some kids in Denver.

 

RYAN: Jesus.

 

ASHTON: It’s all for the sake of quality!

 

RYAN: Did you still take their money?

 

ASHTON: Not after they beat the shit out of me and took it back.

 

RYAN: How old were these kids?

 

ASHTON: Eleven, but dude, there was like two of them.

 

RYAN: I’m going to go inside now.

 

ASHTON: Me too. (Ashton starts to walk towards the door, but Ryan slams it shut) Ohh…call you later, man!

 

RYAN: (From inside the house) Yep! (Cut to Ryan walking into the dining room) Hey, are you ready to go on a journey?

 

(Barb stands up)

 

BARB: Damn right I am. Just like Peter Fonda, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and I back in 1965.

 

RYAN: What?

 

BARB: Yeah. That was the last time I did acid.

 

RYAN: Oh. I thought you had never done acid!

 

BARB: Did I say that?

 

RYAN: I don’t know…I just assumed? You did acid with The Beatles?!

 

BARB: And Peter Fonda.

 

RYAN: He’s definitely not the most interesting part of the equation!

 

BARB: He actually was. We were all doing acid at the Beatles’ rented house in Los Angeles, when suddenly, Peter was whispering in all of our ears that he “knows what it’s like to be dead”. Paul, John and George got really annoyed by this so they told him to (British accent) “piss off with that bullocks” and Peter just kind of, retreated into a corner. After we battled an Octopus Armada, braided each other’s hair and slit our arms and collected the blood, Peter was still sobbing in a corner.

 

RYAN: Why?

 

BARB: Because we told him to piss off.

 

RYAN: Wow. What a pussy.

 

BARB: Ringo had to hold him and sing his high ass a lullaby.  And that’s where the song “Hey Jude” came from.

 

RYAN: Wow.

 

BARB: It was originally supposed to be “Hey Jew”.

 

RYAN: Is Peter Fonda Jewish?

 

BARB: “Fonda” sounds Jewish, to me.

 

RYAN: Close enough, I guess. Anyway, want to do acid for the first time in 50 years?!

 

BARB: Hell yeah I do! (Ryan hands Barb a tablet and Ryan takes out a tablet, and they both put the tablets on their tongues) Heh heh. Here we go. Feel anything?

 

RYAN: Just be patient, okay? It’s supposed to take like thirty minutes to an hour to kick in.

 

BARB: Cool, cool, am I high yet?

 

RYAN: Are you asking me?

 

BARB: Uh-huh.

 

RYAN: I don’t know!

 

BARB: I should call Peter Fonda, see if he’s grown some balls.

 

RYAN: Why?

 

BARB: Maybe he wants a wife.

 

RYAN: He probably has one.

 

BARB: Maybe he wants a side bitch.

 

(Ryan and Barb laugh. Cut to an hour and a half later. Ryan and Barb are sitting in chairs in Bar’s living room, waiting)

 

RYAN: …Jesus, nothing is happening.

 

BARB: I know. Were we dealt fake stuff or something?

 

RYAN: I don’t know, Aunt Barb. If we were, I’m going to kill Ashton.

 

(Cut to John Lennon sitting in one of the chairs of Barb’s living room)

 

JOHN LENNON: Just relax, mate.

 

RYAN: HOLY SHIT!

 

BARB: What?

 

RYAN: Do you see John Lennon sitting over there?!

 

BARB: Yeah, what about him-OH MY GOD, JOHN LENNON!

 

(Cut to Ryan, Barb, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison in their LA home in 1965)

 

RYAN: Oh my God, we’re tripping balls.

 

JOHN: Yes we are. And Peter is still over there, quietly sobbing.

 

(Pan to 25-year old Peter Fonda in the corner off the room, quietly sobbing. Pan back to them)

 

RYAN: The guy really is a coward among cowards.

 

BARB: And his dick’s tiny.

 

RYAN: Wow, I don’t need to know that you know that.

 

GEORGE: You gave him a shag now, didn’t you?

 

BARB: Yeah, he whispered “in another universe, we’re brother and sister”, and that REALLY turned me off.

 

PAUL: Wow, that little bloke knows just the right thing to say to ruin a groovy vibe.

 

JOHN: No kidding. One time we were at a club, dancing, and he whispered to us that he could sense the club was built on an Indian burial ground. Which is impossible, because we were in Liverpool, but still, it just ruined everybody’s mood.

 

RYAN: Yeah, for sure. Why do you keep hanging out with him?

 

GEORGE: He sells us great acid. And Bob Dylan stopped selling ever since he started recording Highway 61 Revisited.

 

JOHN: He’ll never amount to anything.

 

RYAN: What are you talking about? He’s already amounted to something, he’s famous-

 

JOHN: I know, but you just kind of have to say that when you do a big flashback like this.

 

RYAN: Oh yeah, you guys are figments of my imagination.

 

BARB: Yep, they are.

 

RYAN: Can we fight the Octopi now?

 

(Cut to May 13, 2015. Ryan is sitting on a plane, listening to music on his iPod. A stewardess walks over to him)

 

STEWARDESS: Can I get you something, hon?

 

(Ryan takes out his earphones)

 

RYAN: I’m fine, thanks.

 

STEWARDESS: You don’t need a drink or anything?

 

RYAN: I can’t get a- yes, I’ll have a drink.

 

STEWARDESS: Can I see your ID?

 

RYAN: Okay, then fuck it.

 

STEWARDESS: Have a nice flight, sir.

 

RYAN: Uh-huh.

 

(The Stewardess walks away. Cut to Ryan getting off the plane at Burlington International Airport. Kimberly, Luke and Madeline are standing there)

 

KIMBERLY: Hey, it’s Ryan!!

 

(Kimberly goes over to hug Ryan)

 

RYAN: Hi, mom.

 

KIMBERLY: I missed you so much! (Kimberly lets go) I just want to gobble you up like a steak dinner!

 

LUKE: There’s no meat on his bones, you’d be hungry in thirty minutes.

 

MADELINE: Not if you served him with a rice bowl and some nan.

 

RYAN: Can we stop talking about how to eat me?

 

(Ryan goes over to hug Madeline)

 

MADELINE: Nice to see you, kid.

 

(Ryan detaches from Madeline)

 

RYAN: How’s the publishing game going?

 

MADELINE: I’m still working on the book. It’s due in December 2015.

 

RYAN: Wow. How about that? Everyone’s dreams seem to be coming true. Madeline has a publishing deal. You and Luke are getting married. (Kimberly and Luke hold each other’s hands) You have a successful business. (Kimberly hands Luke a hundred dollars, and Luke waves it off) Jacob is having a baby at twenty years old.

 

MADELINE: Twenty-one years old. It’s his birthday, remember?

 

LUKE: Also, how was that his dream?

 

RYAN: I have a record label and a band.

 

MADELINE: Which you left.

 

RYAN: I get to smoke weed in Colorado, it’s as if the universe is aligning.

 

MADELINE: …How can the universe align- I mean, what the fuck is it aligning to?

 

KIMBERLY: Guys, we should get to the hospital. We don’t want to miss Renee’s crowning.

 

RYAN: I want to miss that. You don’t really expect us to watch Renee’s vagina, right?

 

KIMBERLY: No, but we should be there.

 

RYAN: Of course. Dibs on the morphine by the way! Renee probably won’t need it anyway, considering she’s all religious and shit.

 

KIMBERLY: Shh.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Madeline, Luke and Kimberly in the hospital waiting room. Ryan is reading the May 11, 2015 edition of TIME Magazine, which depicts a black person running away from a horde of riot police in Baltimore, Maryland. The cover reads “America, 1968” but with the 1968 crossed out and replaced by “2015”)

 

RYAN: This Baltimore thing is not going away. (Ryan puts down the magazine) Still don’t think we need body cameras and better training?

 

KIMBERLY: Who are you asking?

 

RYAN: Oh. Sorry. I forgot dad wasn’t here.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, we don’t have that counter-point anymore. But I’m sure Luke could share his insights on the British Elections. Luke?

 

LUKE: David Cameron is a wanker.

 

MADELINE: I suppose there are a lot of wankers in England then.

 

LUKE: He certainly got the vote of men in Benny Hill sketches.

 

RYAN: What I loved about the British elections were the way they were covered by CNN. Richard Quest being driven around in a bus and screaming British things at the camera.

 

LUKE: He was politely screaming. It’s something only Britons have mastered.

 

RYAN: (British accent) “PULL THIS BIG RED BUS OVER, DRIVER, I SPOT A METH DEN ON THE HORIZON!”

 

MADELINE: Even British Meth heads are classy. Which is why they hired one.

 

(Jacob walks in)

 

JACOB: Hey, you guys!

 

(They all stand up and Jacob hugs Kimberly, shakes hands with Luke, hugs Madeline and fist bumps Ryan)

 

RYAN: It’s been too long.

 

JACOB: Well, it’s been a while. Too long? I don’t know.

 

RYAN: Thanks, Jacob.

 

JACOB: Do you guys want to see Renee?

 

(A nurse walks over)

 

NURSE: I’m gonna need you guys to scoot, okay?

 

KIMBERLY: Excuse me?

 

NURSE: Only the father is allowed to see Renee while she’s in labor.

 

KIMBERLY: I’m the mother of the father.

 

NURSE: So the Grandmother?

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t push it.

 

LUKE: Relax, Kim. We can wait out here. We’ll see Kyle when he’s born.

 

JACOB: About that. The Doctor told me it may be a day or two before we meet Kyle Donahue.

 

(The Doctor walks over while folding in a telescope)

 

DOCTOR: Yeah, that little fucker may be a while.

 

KIMBERLY: Could you not call my grandson a “little fucker”?

 

MADELINE: Did you use a telescope to look at him?

 

JACOB: Doctor Stivers has been very helpful.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: He looks like a healthy baby boy. (Jacob takes out Nicorette gum and starts chewing it) And with the help of Jacob here, he should stay that way.

 

JACOB: I’m trying to quit smoking, for Kyle’s sake.

 

MADELINE: Well, that’s great.

 

JACOB: This gum tastes like shit though.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Really? Let me see it. (Jacob hands Doctor Stivers the Nicorette gum case. He opens it) Jesus, this is chewing tobacco!

 

JACOB: What?!

 

RYAN: Wow.

 

JACOB: Ugh!

 

(Jacob takes a bucket and spits it in there and puts it down. The sick person who was using it stares at him)

 

KIMBERLY: Sorry about that, sir.

 

SICK PERSON: You spat in my vomit bucket.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Where did you get this gum?

 

JACOB: Some dude outside the hospital was selling it. I need real Nicorette gum!

 

RYAN: If you think about it, though, Jacob chewing tobacco would only negatively affect him, not his baby.

 

KIMBERLY: Wow, don’t put that idea in his head.

 

JACOB: I’ll go find some Nicorette.

 

(Jacob walks away)

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: It might be days before Mr. Donahue’s child is born. You folks are better off going on with your business until maybe Saturday.

 

RYAN: Cool, because I’d love to see my friends again.

 

MADELINE: Yeah, me too. Not Ryan’s friends, my friends.

 

RYAN: Actually. Maddie…you’ve never hung out with my friends, have you?

 

MADELINE: Not extensively.

 

RYAN: …How about we do that? I want them to get to know you. Like I know you.

 

MADELINE: …Sure, okay.

 

LUKE: Wait, guys. We’ve completely forgotten about Jacob’s birthday.

 

(Jacob walks in with a beer)

JACOB: I HAVEN’T! TWENTY-ONE, BABY! WOO!

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Did you get distracted on your quest to get Nicorette and instead cop a beer off a homeless man?

 

JACOB: No, I got it from a Doctor.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Could I have his name?

 

JACOB: I ain’t no snitch!

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: No, I want to see if he has any for me.

 

JACOB: Oh. Doctor Lyle Evans the third.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Thanks.

 

KIMBERLY: Don’t direct the Doctor who’s going to deliver your baby to get alcohol

 

JACOB: You’re right. Maybe after.

 

DOCTOR STIVERS: Gotcha.

 

(Doctor Stivers smiles and walks away)

 

RYAN: I guess I’ll go tend to my frenemies. Save my seat, make sure no sick people take it up.

 

(Ryan walks away. Cut to Sarah, Michelle, Brennan, Michael and Eric in Sarah’s upstairs game room)

 

BRENNAN: This is so crazy, this is the first time we’ve all been together since Ryan left.

 

SARAH: He was the glue that forced us together.

 

MICHELLE: Held us together-

 

SARAH: Forced us.

 

MICHAEL: We were all busy with college. But now that’s over, we can enjoy a stress-free summer. As long as Ryan’s aunt lives through the entire summer.

 

ERIC: Isn’t that the truth.

 

(Irville and Sarah come in)

 

IRVILLE: Sarah, you have a visitor! One, (Irville takes out a piece of paper) “Ryan Donahue”.

 

SARAH: You know who that is, Irville. Where is he?

 

AMY: Poor thing almost got trapped in my cat trap outside.

 

BRENNAN: Your what?

 

AMY: My cat trap. It’s like a rat trap, but for cats. Put a little cat nip. And a trap.

 

IRVILLE: There are strays all over the neighborhood.

 

BRENNAN: A cat trap?! That’s so fucked up.

 

(Amy has a smile on her face)

 

AMY: You’re wrong! Thinkin’ of selling ‘em. Could be lucrative.

 

SARAH: Could you just get Ryan in here?

 

(Ryan walks in)

 

RYAN: Hey, sorry I had to induce vomiting to get all that cat nip out of my system.

 

AMY: You kids have fun!

 

(They leave)

 

RYAN: Hey you guys!

 

MICHELLE: Hey, Ryan, get the fuck over here.

 

(Ryan walks over and sits between Michelle and Sarah)

 

MICHAEL: How was Colorado?

 

RYAN: It was spectacular. My Aunt Barb is such a sweetheart. We did acid together.

 

BRENNAN: Really? How’d that go?

 

RYAN: It was insane- we had a mutual hallucination. We both imagined we were doing acid with the Beatles.

 

MICHELLE: Maybe that’s how MAD MEN will end.

 

RYAN: No, The Beatles were broken up by 1970. It’ll probably end with Don becoming Deep Throat. Or maybe they’ll reveal he was the Zodiac Killer.

 

SARAH: I bet he’ll just stare longingly into something. And it’ll cut to black. The whole episode may only be three minutes long.

 

MICHAEL: I don’t know this show, so I’m going to bring up a show that that I DO know.

 

RYAN: No thank you. So guys, now that this meme team is all back together, where should we go once Jason gets out of the bathroom?

 

BRENNAN: Jason?

 

RYAN: Yeah. Isn’t that where he is? Smoking a cig in the bathroom?

 

BRENNAN: Jason’s not here.

 

RYAN: What? Why not?

 

BRENNAN: He just isn’t, I don’t know.

 

RYAN: Did you tell him I was back?

 

BRENNAN: I may have mentioned it.

 

RYAN: Well, shit, man, let’s get him over here.

 

BRENNAN: We already have six people here, man, and Eric hasn’t even said anything yet!

 

ERIC: Oh, I was just thinking of tips Ryan can pass onto his father about how to live in Russia. Let me tell you, I lived there for nine months and I have some pro tips. For instance, never leave your drink alone in a Russian bar, or they’ll call you (Russian accent) “pussy” (American accent) and convict you for gay propaganda.

 

BRENNAN: Cool, man.

 

ERIC: Not really.

 

BRENNAN: Listen, Jason is busy getting studio time for us at Towncenter.

 

RYAN: Really?

 

BRENNAN: Really.

 

SARAH: Hey, maybe you should get DHF back together, Ryan.

 

RYAN: I’m still living in Colorado until Barb passes away, Sarah.

 

SARAH: Doesn’t mean you can’t jam out.

 

MICHELLE: I can do your cover art. You know I’m in graphic design, right? I wanted to do a tattoo for you.

 

RYAN: A tattoo of what?

 

MICHELLE: A sailor that has you strung up in a net full of cod. The sailor is wearing bright yellow and is smirking evilly while holding a lip ring in front of you.

 

(Ryan smiles)

 

RYAN: I like that.

 

(Michelle smiles)

 

MICHELLE: Thanks.

 

ERIC: Oh, fuck. Not this again. The last thing we need is a return to normalcy-

 

(Amy comes in holding a kitten)

 

AMY: I got a live one!

 

MICHAEL: We’re not returning to shit.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END


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