The Donahues Episode 214

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The Donahues returns for its part 2. Jacob and Renee celebrate the birth of their baby, Ryan returns to Vermont to witness it, and tries to connect with Jason in the mean time, and Ethan tries to see his grandson from abroad.

Submitted: May 24, 2015

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Submitted: May 24, 2015









“Around me; now as the petals are no more. A corroding, shrinking stalk remains. Bereft of his blooms and the ultimate cruelty of love's opinions. Beset his appearance. Beset his appearance. No king could replenish his state. Now browning, sinking, dying a thousand deaths”

  • Peter Murphy


(We start with a roundabout outside Hansbay Middle School in Hansbay, Vermont. White pollen is dancing about the air.  We linger on this shot for a few moments, before Jacob’s car zooms through the roundabout, and the camera focuses on him as he’s on the phone)


JACOB: So is it about to happen? Is she going to give birth?!


DOCTOR STIVERS: (On the phone) We may have to perform a C-section, Mr. Donahue.


JACOB: What the hell is that?


DOCTOR STIVERS: We need to make an incision in your wife’s abdomen and deliver your baby through it. Your child is in a transverse position, and delivering him would risk your wife’s health.


JACOB: She’s not my wife, Doctor, but, I understand.


DOCTOR STIVERS: So can I go ahead and deliver this bastard?


JACOB: Excuse me?


DOCTOR STIVERS: Sorry, I meant to save that for my super-judgmental Church group slash Sunday school. Where me and some eight-year olds talk smack.


JACOB: You were trying to cop a beer from another physician a few days ago!


DOCTOR STIVERS: Your baby will be delivered safely soon, Mr. Donahue.


(Doctor Stivers hangs up and Jacob puts the phone down. He takes a deep breath. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michelle walking into a movie theatre)


MICHELLE: Where should we sit?


BRENNAN: I like to sit at the front. I want to get inundated in the movie, I wanna feel like I’m in the movie.


RYAN: Are you high? It would only feel like you’re in the movie if your character is Stephen Hawking, all (Ryan cranks his head back) cranking your head like this and not being able to talk.


MICHELLE: Well that’s good, because I don’t want to talk to you during the movie.


RYAN: You know I like to talk during movies.


MICHELLE: Yeah, and it’s obnoxious.


BRENNAN: Listen, we’ll just sit in the middle.


RYAN: Great, let’s do it.


(Michelle, Ryan and Brennan walk up to one of the middle rows and start scooching past people to find three empty seats. Brennan sits down, followed by Ryan, which leaves a space in the middle for Michelle. Michelle hesitates)


MICHELLE: …Brennan, want to switch?




RYAN: Yeah, why?


MICHELLE: I just think Mad Max would be more enjoyable from your specific point of view.




(Brennan gets up, sits in the middle seat as Michelle sits in his seat. Ryan looks on in confusion and disappointment. Cut to Jason Griffin walking with some emo/scene chick who is wearing a humanoid mask that is just a little off from looking actually real. The mask is wearing mascara and pink eye shadow. They are walking in Hansbay High School. Jason seems creeped out)


EMO/SCENE CHICK: I am honestly SUPER glad that my body is finally hairless, my doctor said it was impossible, but with this mask and my new skinless legs, I got there.


JASON: Uhh…Reyla, I…I don’t like this new generation of emo students, honestly.


REYLA: Silly, you ARE this new generation of emo students! Now when are you going to get the mask?


JASON: That thing looks creepy as fuck.


REYLA: Creepy is in. Look at Benedict Cumberbatch.


JASON: I don’t want to. (Reyla and Jason exit the school through the back, and Jason sees Ryan standing there) Holy shit!


REYLA: Ugh, a poser. Go back to your Devil’s Niece concert, daddy-o!


JASON: What are you doing here, Ryan?! Aren’t you supposed to be in Colorado?


(Ryan walks over to Jason)


RYAN: First off, sweetheart, I was emo before you picked out your first “skull with bow” stockings in 7th grade.


REYLA: I’m deleting you, daddy!

JASON: Reyla, leave us alone for a second.


(Reyla’s mask’s eyes glare suspiciously and then she walks away)


RYAN: How does she do that?


JASON: No idea, what are you doing here?!


RYAN: Didn’t you hear? I’m back in town because my brother’s baby is on its way.


JASON: Shit, your brother knocked someone up? And you have a brother?


RYAN: Yes, Jason, I have a brother.


JASON: Fine, still doesn’t answer my question. You realize you don’t attend this school anymore, right?


RYAN: Well, I wanted to say happy birthday.


JASON: My birthday was a month ago.


RYAN: And now that you’re 17, you still have a few weeks before I’m twenty and the two of us fucking seems weird again.


JASON: Ryan, that won’t happen, okay?


RYAN: Oh, come on, I told you you’d be the only one that I missed.


JASON: Ryan, you’re my friend. Okay? Why do we have to be anything else but that?


RYAN: Because I finally found someone outside my main friend group, and I don’t want my dick to spin around like a bottle and just, choose one of them, every year, for the rest of time! I want other people who are dared to do things with my dick!


JASON: So it would take a dare.


RYAN: Fuck off.


JASON: Since when does “spin the bottle” involve daring people to do something with the bottle?


RYAN: That’s how I always played it. Lost a lot of good bottles from that game.


JASON: Lost them where?


RYAN: We won’t get into that.




RYAN: So, what do you say?


JASON: Ryan, I’m still IN your friend group! What is your “main” friend group?


RYAN: My Day Ones. The ones I’m still rollin’ with.


JASON: You’re an emo quoting Drake, you’re a long way from “day one”.


RYAN: Fair enough, but I am tired of going between Michelle and Sarah. It’s your time to shine.


(Ryan puts his hands on Jason’s shoulders. Jason looks at Ryan and then removes Ryan’s hands)


JASON: I’m sorry. I’m interested in someone else right now.


RYAN: Who? That edgy power puff girl from earlier?


JASON: No, not Reyla. She’s nice, but she keeps almost deleting me.


RYAN: What?


JASON: You’ll understand soon enough. I’m interested in Cynthia.


RYAN: Who’s that?


JASON: She says she’s met you. She calls you the “swaggot from the playground”.


RYAN: Holy shit, that chick!? The one who says “swaggot” all the time?!


JASON: Yeah, you guys hung out on a playground once?


RYAN: Yeah, it was such an insignificant event in my life, I don’t know why it keeps coming back to haunt me.


JASON: Well, I think she’s chill as fuck, believe it or not.


RYAN: Really?! Her?!


JASON: Yeah. Once you get underneath all the “swaggot” stuff, you find that, deep down…she really likes to smoke weed.


RYAN: Not that deep.


JASON: Yeah, well, that’s as deep as she goes. I’m sorry, Ryan, but this can’t happen right now.


RYAN: …That’s too bad.




RYAN: Well, we should still hang out before I go back to Colorado.


JASON: Sure, when are you leaving?


RYAN: Wednesday or Thursday, not sure. And I might not be back until the end of the summer.


JASON: Oh. Well, I have school all this week, and all weeks until early June, and finals are coming up, so I’m not sure if- (Ryan gives Jason a look) uh…I’ll cancel it.


RYAN: Cool. See you tomorrow night, 7pm? My house?


JASON: Sure, man. I look forward to it.


(Ryan gets a text and looks at it)


RYAN: Oh, wow.


JASON: What?


RYAN: It looks like I’m about to have a nephew.


JASON: Why? Is your cousin getting married?


RYAN: …You’re an idiot.


JASON: See you later too.


(Ryan briskly walks towards his car. Cut to Kimberly, Luke, Jacob and Madeline in the waiting room)


LUKE: C-sections have a very low risk of failure, Jacob. Don’t worry.


JACOB: What happens if it fails? Does the baby stay in there and grow into an adult?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s what happens, Jacob.


(Ryan walks over)


RYAN: Hey, is it here yet?


JACOB: Not yet. Get comfy.


(Ryan sits down)


RYAN: These seats are terrible.


LUKE: The Doctors have the best seat in town.



LUKE: I am so sorry for that.


JACOB: No, it’s true.


(Madeline laughs)




(Doctor Stivers comes over with blood on his surgical scrubs, and they all stand up)


DOCTOR STIVERS: Congratulations, Mr. Donahue, you have a baby boy.


JACOB: Oh wow, that’s incredible!


KIMBERLY: I’m a grandmother!


(Kimberly hugs Jacob, and then Jacob hugs Madeline, then Ryan. Luke pats Jacob on the shoulder)


JACOB: What’s with all the blood?




JACOB: You should get that checked out.


DOCTOR STIVERS: Come with me. Your family can see her soon, but you should see your girlfriend.


JACOB: Alright! See you guys soon.



RYAN: Congratulations, kiddo! (Jacob and Doctor Stivers walk into another room) Maddie, who did you have having a baby first?


MADELINE: I thought I would have a baby first, then Jacob, and then I thought my baby would have a baby before you ever had a baby.


RYAN: Sounds good to me.


(Cut to Renee looking sweaty in a hospital bed. Jacob is by her side. Renee is smiling)


JACOB: Hey, how are you feeling, Re-Re?


RENEE: I am so glad that miracle is finally done destroying my insides.


JACOB: Now it’s my job again.


RENEE: No way.


JACOB: Fair enough.


(Doctor Stivers brings the newborn child and gives him to Renee)


DOCTOR STIVERS: There you go, ma’am.


RENEE: Thanks so much, Doctor.


(Doctor Stivers nods and exits the room. Renee starts kissing Kyle)


JACOB: He’s so precious.


RENEE: He looks like you.


JACOB: No he doesn’t. Babies don’t look like anyone, they look like babies.


RENEE: He has that soft spot on the top of his head that you do.


JACOB: Does he? Let me feel. (Jacob feels the top of the baby’s head) So he does. I thought mine was from smoking weed too much.


RENEE: I guess it got second-handed to little Kyle.


JACOB: Suppose so.




RENEE: Shhhh….


(Cut to Kimberly, Luke, Ryan and Madeline in the waiting room)


KIMBERLY: When are we going to get to see this baby?!


LUKE: Be patient, they’re having their time.


RYAN: Are they gonna get married?


KIMBERLY: I would hope so.


MADELINE: That kid needs a mother and father.


RYAN: Does he need Jacob and Renee?


KIMBERLY: Are you doubting their relationship?


RYAN: No, they’re the two musketeers. Janee is what they would be called if they were a celebrity couple with a coke habit. I’m just confused, if they like each other so much and are keeping the baby instead of putting it up for adoption, why haven’t they gotten engaged yet?


MADELINE: Maybe they’re just taking it one step at a time.


KIMBERLY: You can’t take it one step at a time with children. They’re a constant headache, even after they leave the nest.


RYAN: Thanks, mom.


KIMBERLY: What if I had taught you how to speak, then walk and then potty trained you? Instead of all at the same time? You’d always be two steps behind, your boss at your first job would be tying your shoe.


RYAN: You didn’t even teach me how to change a tire.


KIMBERLY: That was your father’s responsibility.


RYAN: Well, he didn’t know how to do it either. When I was in Cub Scouts and they tried to have the parents teach us how to change a tire, he panicked, claim the idea of “working together” was socialist and accused the Boy Scouts of being overtaken by communists, and pulled me out of Scouts.


KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, I remember that.


RYAN: Now he lives in the former Soviet Union. How times change.


(Kimberly gets a call, and checks the caller ID)


KIMBERLY: Oh wow, speaking of which, it’s Ethan.


MADELINE: He’s probably calling about Jacob’s baby. What time is it over there?


LUKE: About a quarter past nine.


(Kimberly answers)




ETHAN: (On the phone) Kimberly! I’m glad I got you, I tried to call Jacob, but he didn’t answer.


KIMBERLY: Well, he’s a bit occupied right now.


ETHAN: Do I have a grandson?




ETHAN: Oh my God…that’s incredible. Can I see him?


KIMBERLY: We’ll send you a picture over Facebook, Ethan. Now this call is costing a fortune.


ETHAN: I wanna see him live, let’s get him on webcam or something. Can I talk to Jacob?


KIMBERLY: He’s in the room, we’re in the waiting room.


ETHAN: Well, get him!


KIMBERLY: Goodbye, Ethan.


ETHAN: Wait, no- (Kimberly hangs up. Cut to Ethan on the phone on the couch in his Moscow apartment. His beard is thicker than before) FUCK! YOU BITCH! (Ethan slams his phone on the coffee able and leans back on the couch) She doesn’t give a shit that I’m a grandfather now, she wants to keep the family all to herself.


(Edward Snowden comes in wearing a towel)


EDWARD: If you see a small bug, kill it. I think it’s a mechanical bug Putin planted here.


ETHAN: It could be just a bug, Edward.


EDWARD: No, I’ve had this place fumigated too many times for there to be any bugs left! Did you hear about your favorite Presidential candidate Rand Paul filibustering the PATRIOT Act because of NSA surveillance? Huh? Am I a traitor now?


ETHAN: He’s not my favorite Presidential candidate and I have bigger things to worry about than the systemic shattering of constitutional principles! My grandson was just born, so I called Kimberly, and she hung up on me! Won’t even let me talk to my son!


EDWARD: You called Kimberly?!


ETHAN: Yeah, why?


EDWARD: No, you can’t do that anymore, every call you make is monitored by the Kremlin!


ETHAN: So I won’t make calls after midnight.


EDWARD: Bad. Just listen to me! They’ll see your making calls to America and begin to suspect you of being an American spy.


ETHAN: Because I’m calling my ex-wife in Vermont?


EDWARD: To them, she’s a spy too.


ETHAN: And what about what we’re saying? And how we’re not exchanging secrets?


EDWARD: They can only see the calls you’re making, not what you’re saying in them.


ETHAN: So they haven’t mastered the art of tapping phones? Come on.


EDWARD: Technology is behind here, you know they don’t have red light cameras here! If you go over the white line, a mustached man opens a cage and sends a vulture after your car.


ETHAN: So that’s why my car is covered in shit.


EDWARD: But you’re right it’s only a matter of time before they tape your phones. And we’re under asylum, meaning even if the conversations are innocuous, they can’t guarantee that we’re not using code to communicate.


(Ethan stands up and turns to Edward)




(Ethan marches into the other room)



(Edward walks into the room Ethan went into, which is Edward’s computer room. Ethan is sitting at one of his computers)


ETHAN: What?!


EDWARD: I’ve helped you hack before. I can help you hack again.


ETHAN: How is hacking going to allow me to see my grandson?


EDWARD: You can hack Jacob’s laptop’s webcam. His little boy is bound to end up in front of it somehow.


ETHAN: That’s stupid, I’ll just call him!


EDWARD: NO! That’s too risky!!


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: And hacking into an American laptop isn’t?!


EDWARD: Exactly! That makes the Russians feel like you’re doing freelance spy work!

ETHAN: How dumb are they?




(Edward hands Ethan a paper hat, and Edward puts one on too)




EDWARD: Russian mind reading technology can’t penetrate paper. Like I said, they’re a bit behind.


(A pigeon flies in with a tracker on its ankle and lands on Edward’s hat and starts poking at it)


ETHAN: Edward!

EDWARD: Shhh…don’t move.


(Cut to the waiting room. Kimberly, Ryan, Luke and Madeline are still in there. Then, Jacob comes in, holding the baby. They all go “aww” and stand up)


RYAN: Look at him!

JACOB: Meet Kyle Robert Donahue.


KIMBERLY: He’s so precious! (Kimberly touches his belly, and he starts crying) Oh, sorry.


JACOB: It’s alright.


RYAN: I guess you’re rusty when it comes to this, mom. Let me see him.




RYAN: Come on, man, let me hold him.


JACOB: In due time, Ryan.




JACOB: You have to earn that title.


RYAN: Come on, I’ll be a great uncle! I’ll buy him, fuckin’, peanut brittle or whatever shit uncles buy their nephews!

JACOB: See, you’re already cursing in front of my hour-old son.


RYAN: Oh, he doesn’t know language.


JACOB: Well, he’s getting an early lesson. From you.


RYAN: Fine, sorry.


MADELINE: Let me see him. Let Aunt Maddie see him.


(Jacob hands Kyle to Madeline and he stops crying)


RYAN: Wow.


MADELINE: (To Kyle) Hey there, little guy. Bet you’re glad to be out of that damp, dark place, huh? (To Jacob) How much does he weigh?


JACOB: Six and a half pounds.


MADELINE: (To Kyle) Man, you had to use that umbilical lasso to get out of there like Indiana Jones, huh, Kyle? (To Jacob) Has he eaten yet?


JACOB: He was breastfed- could you stop saying weird things to my baby?


LUKE: Well, have you eaten yet? Let’s have a celebratory lunch!


JACOB: Sounds good to me. I’ll give Kyle back to Renee.


KIMBERLY: Wait, let me hold him!


JACOB: Oh, okay. Maddie?


MADELINE: You’re going to Grandma Kim now, little squirt.


(Madeline hands Kimberly Kyle and Kimberly holds him, but he starts crying again)




(Ryan gets a call)


RYAN: Excuse me, I have to take this. (Ryan walks away from his family and picks up his phone near a vending machine) Ashton? What are you calling me for?


(Cut to Ashton standing in Barb’s living room)


ASHTON: Ryan, where are you!?


RYAN: (On the phone) Where am I?! I’m in Vermont, I flew back to see the birth of Jacob’s son.


ASHTON: I was worried about you! Don’t leave me like that!


RYAN: We’re not dating for God’s sake! You’re a drug dealer who’s supposed to not even care about me! What, did you go to my house?!


ASHTON: Yeah! No one answered!

RYAN: Not even Barb?


ASHTON: No! That’s what I’m calling about.


RYAN: What?


ASHTON: Um…I broke into Barb’s house.


RYAN: Excuse me?!


ASHTON: And I found her lying in her bed-


RYAN: Dude, you have no right to-


ASHTON: I tried to wake her up, but she was unresponsive. She’s dead, Ryan.


(Cut to Ryan on the phone at the hospital, with a shocked look on his face)


RYAN: ….What?


ASHTON: (On the phone) Yeah, I checked her pulse, but she’s cold.


RYAN: No, she wasn’t-she wasn’t supposed to die this early!


ASHTON: I’m sorry, but she’s gone.


RYAN: She had another- (Ryan starts crying) FOUR MONTHS GODDAMNIT!!


ASHTON: Ryan, take an ecstasy, you’re freaking out.




(Ryan hangs up and throws his phone on the floor. Kimberly and Madeline go over to Ryan)


KIMBERLY: Ryan, lower your voice, what’s going on!?


(Ryan turns to them with a pained look)


RYAN: Aunt Barb is dead.




KIMBERLY: Come here, Ryan.


(Madeline and Kimberly hug Ryan close. Cut to Jason Griffin out on his roof, smoking a cigarette. Ryan taps on his window, and Jason panics and looks behind him, hiding the cigarette)




RYAN: Sorry. (Jason opens the window and Ryan comes onto the roof) Your mom let me in.


JASON: You scared the shit out of me.


RYAN: Sorry about that.


JASON: Was she confused that you were here on a school night?


RYAN: Not really. She was on her way out with your dad. I think they’re going somewhere.


JASON: Yeah, I think there’s a Memorial Day Dinner hosted by the city tonight.


RYAN: But it’s not until next Monday.


JASON: I don’t know, they’re having it early.


RYAN: Did your dad serve?


(Jason takes a drag)


JASON: Yeah, my dad was in Desert Storm.


RYAN: Why are they honoring him for Memorial Day when he’s…alive?


JASON: He lost some buddies. But at least they were fighting for a good cause.


RYAN: …Which was?


JASON: …To stop…9/11…


RYAN: Yeah, well they did a good job.


JASON: Why did Desert Storm happen again?


RYAN: Because Iraq invaded Kuwait.


JASON: And why’d we care?


RYAN: Uhhh…wanna get high?


(Ryan takes out a baggie of weed)


JASON: Sure! (Ryan takes out a pipe and starts packing a bowl) My dad says I should go and fight ISIS in the Air Force. Or join the SEALs and take out ISIS leaders like they did recently.


RYAN: But you don’t wanna do that?

JASON: No, I’m not cut out for the air force. The tea cups used to make me vomit.


RYAN: And weed made you vomit. On my bath mat.


(Jason laughs)


JASON: Yeah, exactly. And also, tea makes me vomit. A lot of things make me vomit.


RYAN: Uh-huh. Yeah, I’d never go to war either. (Ryan lights the bowl and inhales, then exhales) Damn, that’s no bammer.


(Ryan hands the pipe to Jason, who lights it and inhales, then exhales)


JASON: It sure isn’t. Shit. Colorado’s been good to you, huh?


RYAN: Yeah. Coloradans handle their weed with tender loving care. Down home cooking.


(Jason grins. He then sees a spider and jumps up)


JASON: Fuck!


RYAN: Don’t puke, it’s just a spider.


(Ryan stands up)


JASON: Squish it, you have shoes on, I only have socks.


RYAN: My dad taught me a long time ago that squishing spiders isn’t nice.


JASON: Didn’t your steal a million dollars from the city?


RYAN: Let’s go inside. No spiders in there.


(Ryan opens the window and the two of them crawl in Jason’s house. Jason closes the window behind them. Cut to the two of them smoking weed on Jason’s backyard patio. Ryan finishes a toke and hands it to Jason)


JASON: I just hate spiders, I’m sorry. They’re just so, fucking…vile. (Jason takes a hit. Ryan starts giggling as Jason finishes his hit) What?


RYAN: What if spiders were like, human-sized? And they were as intelligent as humans? Would you be racist against them?


(Jason giggles)


JASON: You’re high out of your mind.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: No! Dude, I’m serious!


JASON: Yeah, you really look it.


RYAN: Would you be racist against them?


JASON: God, that would be awful! I’d have to deal with, fucking, life-sized spiders all the time, they’d look horrible, but I’d have no choice but to tolerate them because they are as smart as humans-ugh…


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: They’d be your co-workers, neighbors, fellow students-


(Jason puts his hands on his face)


JASON: Ugh-I couldn’t handle it.


(Ryan laughs and takes another hit)


RYAN: Those motherfuckers would be useful in the army, though.


JASON: No shit, they could crush ISIS. They could’ve killed Bin Laden years earlier.


RYAN: Dude, I read that Bin Laden was dead years before the Abbottabad Raid and that the U.S. faked it!

JASON: Shit! You know what that means?


RYAN: What?


JASON: All of Bin Laden’s wives were just living in that compound by themselves! Smoking weed and shit!

(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: That’s truuueee!! That’d be a perfect porno.


JASON: Right?! “Bin Laden’s Away on Business” or something.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: “Bin Laden’s Bitches Bungalow 5”.


JASON: Shit, we have to make five of them?!

RYAN: Nah, man, it’s a porno, it just always needs to be a sequel no matter what!

(Jason laughs. Cut to Jacob and Renee in Jacob’s room at the Donahue household. Jacob is holding Kyle Donahue while looking at his laptop. Renee is resting in the bed)


JACOB: Renee, this is a funny article here.


RENEE: I’ll read it later.


JACOB: It’s a BuzzFeed article.


(Renee gets up and goes over to Jacob)


RENEE: What is it?


JACOB: Well-


(Cut to Ethan in Moscow on one of Edward’s computers. Edward is behind him)


EDWARD: And that should do it.


ETHAN: Where’s the image?


EDWARD: it should be coming up.


(A view of Jacob’s room from Jacob’s laptop’s webcam comes on Ethan’s screen. He can see Jacob holding Kyle and Renee standing behind him)


ETHAN: Oh my Gosh, can they hear me?


EDWARD: No, they cannot.


ETHAN: I can’t believe it. Look at him! He’s an angel!


EDWARD: He must get it from Renee’s side of the family.


ETHAN: Look at those cheeks!

JACOB: (Through the webcam) So the article is, “14 Signs You May Be Pregnant with a Dad Bod”.


ETHAN: What the fuck is that?


EDWARD: They should not be exposing that child to BuzzFeed listicles.


ETHAN: Don’t talk about my grandson’s listicles!


EDWARD: You don’t know what a listicle is-


ETHAN: Do you wanna step outside?


JACOB: (Through the webcam) Sign Number Three: you just bought some pizza-flavored beer! HA! What is that?


RENEE: Something really stupid. I’m losing interest, here.


JACOB: What is a dad bod, Renee?


RENEE: It’s like, the kind of body you have when you’re an aging father who doesn’t work out and has too much beer and pizza.


ETHAN: Do I have one, Edward?


EDWARD: All you do is mope and drink, so, probably. You’re lucky that Russian pizza sucks.


ETHAN I wish I could just mute them and watch my grandson.


EDWARD: You can.


ETHAN: Great! How?


JACOB: Number seven- your beer belly has a beer belly and your-


(Edward presses a button to mute Jacob)


EDWARD: God, Buzz Feed is bad at everything they do.


ETHAN: Yes, but Kyle Donahue has listicles just like his daddy’s.


EDWARD: So you’re just running with that, huh?


ETHAN: He’s so cute. I wish I could hold him.


(Cut to Jacob, Renee and Kyle in front of Jacob’s laptop)


JACOB: Number seventeen-you are at high risk for stroke, heart disease and diabetes. Shit.


RENEE: They said there would only be fourteen signs, and that was already spreading it thin.


JACOB: Well, BuzzFeed went above and beyond.


RENEE: Just go to the article called “video of a pregnant mother drinking alcohol will make your day”, please.


JACOB: How would that make anyone’s day?


(Jacob looks at Renee)


RENEE: It’s cute! It’s like the baby’s doing adult things!

JACOB: Kyle’s staying right here until I know you’re kidding.


RENEE: Why is that light at the top of your laptop shining like that?

JACOB: I don’t know, that’s my webcam light. Maybe it’s on, let me check.


(Cut to Ethan watching Jacob, Renee and Kyle from Russia)


ETHAN: Who’s my baby? You are, aren’t you? (Ethan notices Jacob is looking at the camera) SHIT! 


(Ethan ducks, and then turns on the sound with his hand from underneath the desk)


JACOB: Hey, who the hell is watching us right now?! All I see is a dark room! What the fuck’s going on? If this is Josh Duggar, I swear, I’ll beat the shit out of you.


(Cut to Ethan under the desk)


ETHAN: (Whispering) Damnit, what do I do!? I guess I could just reveal myself, but how would they react?


(Edward comes in with a gallon of milk)


EDWARD: Hey, is this milk good?




(Edward looks down to see Ethan under the desk)




ETHAN: Get down!

(Edward gets down and crawls over to Ethan)


EDWARD: Did he find it?


ETHAN: YES! I don’t know how, but-


EDWARD: Well, you hacked, but that doesn’t mean he can’t find the window.


ETHAN: Shit.




ETHAN: You came in here to ask me if the milk was good?!


EDWARD: Just jump up and tell them the truth! How mad at you can they get?


ETHAN: …I guess not very. But now I won’t be able to watch Jacob, Renee and Kyle’s every movement.


EDWARD: If that’s your intention, I feel like I should burn down these computers. I’ll take my newspaper clippings out of here, those should be safe. I think the Russians put some “New Milk Smell” in this milk, Ethan, I’m serious-


ETHAN: Relax, you’re freaking out! Let me handle this.



(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: Jacob, it’s JUST me!


JACOB: What the fuck!? Dad?!


RENEE: Mr. Donahue? You look so different with a beard!


JACOB: How did you-what are you-what?!


ETHAN: First off, thank you Renee for complimenting my beard-


JACOB: She didn’t compliment it, she just said you looked different with a beard.


RENEE: But it is…different.


JACOB: Didn’t say anything new, right, Renee?


ETHAN: Secondly, my friend helped me hack into your webcam so I could see my grandson.


JACOB: Holy shit, who is your friend?!


ETHAN: I’m not at liberty to discuss that.


JACOB: Whoa, are you Batman?


ETHAN: I’m Batman’s friend, I guess.


JACOB: So, you’re Alfred?


ETHAN: I don’t wipe Edward’s ass.


JACOB: So his name is Edward.


ETHAN: Shit. Don’t find out who he is, okay, it’s important.


JACOB: Fine. Why didn’t you just ask to get webcammed in to see my child?


ETHAN: Because… (Ethan sighs) because I wanted to see what you guys were doing all the time. I wanted to feel like your father again.


JACOB: …Dad, you’ll always be my father. And we can webcam anytime you want. Except when I’m at work and when I don’t feel like it.


ETHAN: Good to know.


JACOB: And as soon as we get the money, me, Ryan, Kyle and Madeline will come to Russia and visit you.


ETHAN: God, I long for that day.


JACOB: I’ll start saving up now. In the meantime, make nice with Edward. Wait, is it Edward SNOWDEN?


(Ethan laughs nervously)


ETHAN: Good one.


RENEE: I mean, the guy who came in did kind of look like Edward Snowden.


ETHAN: Another home run, Renee.


JACOB: And he helped you hack a computer half a world away.



(Ethan ends the Skype call. Cut to Luke and Kimberly in the living room, on their laptops)


LUKE: So, those Hillary Clinton e-mails were released.


KIMBERLY: Some of them. And unless one of the subject lines are “Re: how we take care of Vince Foster” or “Fwd: How we take care of Vince Foster’s family in his absence”, I don’t think they’re going to clear up any of the questions surrounding her.


LUKE: Why aren’t people focusing on Bernie Sanders at all? Especially here, he’s your Senator!


KIMBERLY: But he’s a Jewish socialist.


LUKE: And she’s an authoritative female! On the unelectability chart, authoritative female is worth two Jewish socialists!


KIMBERLY: The chart’s changed. A Catholic used to be worth half a Black Muslim. And then look what happened.


(Jacob and Renee come in. Renee is holding Kyle)


JACOB: Hey guys.


KIMBERLY: How is my little boy?


JACOB: He’s pretty useless, so far, actually.


LUKE: Were you expecting to get a use out of your three-day old?


JACOB: Listen, we just spoke with dad over Skype, and we’ve decided we want to take a trip to Russia this summer.


(Kimberly closes her laptop)


KIMBERLY: To visit your father?




KIMBERLY: …That may draw the Government’s attention, Jacob.


JACOB: I don’t care. He’s my father, and this is his grandson. He deserves to see him. And he deserves to see us.


RENEE: We hope to bring your other two children, as well.


JACOB: We’re going to save up as much as we can, but with a baby and living expenses, especially once we move out of here, we’re probably going to need some assistance from you to finance the trip.


KIMBERLY: You shouldn’t take Ryan, he’ll be imprisoned.


JACOB: I’m sure he’ll be on his best behavior. We’ll make his skinny jeans acid-washed, and then he’ll just look like a 1980s Soviet throwback and not a homo.


(Kimberly sighs)




JACOB: Thank you, mom.


(Jacob goes over and hugs her)


RENEE: Thanks so much, Mrs. Donahue.


(Jacob detaches from Kimberly)


LUKE: You guys better not get in trouble over there, because I have a very specific set of skills, and none of them involve saving you.


(They laugh. Cut to Ryan driving Jason somewhere, late at night)


JASON: I can’t believe I let you drive while you’re high.


RYAN: I can’t believe you forgot to get snacks! I mean we ARE high, after all!


JASON: I didn’t know you were bringing weed, and being a part of an upper-middle class family, it should be a given that my house never has any food. (Ryan parks at a Food Mart. Jason opens the door, but Ryan is sitting there, giggling) What, dude? Don’t giggle too much, the cashier’s going to know we’re high!


RYAN: Dude, he’s a spider, they don’t see like everyone else, they have segmented eyes and shit!


JASON: Fuck off, he’s not a spider!

(Ryan laughs and gets out of the car with Jason. They go into the convenience store. Cut to Ryan and Jason putting snacks on the counter at the Food Mart. The black cashier from TDEP194, Noneya, is behind the counter. Noneya is wearing a headset)


RYAN: Um…excuse me?


NONEYA: I on the phone, you gonna have to wait.


JASON: But it’s-


NONEYA: I ain’t care that it hands-free, you still gonna have to wait. (Ryan and Jason stand there. Another customer walks up to the line and stands behind them. Ten seconds pass) See yo’ ass later, Jackson. (Noneya hangs up) What you want?


RYAN: We wanna buy this stuff. Didn’t I see you at a convenience store in Burlington once? Noneya, right?


NONEYA: Name’s Randall, nigga.


RYAN: Oh, okay. Sorry.


(Randall starts ringing up their items. Ryan takes out his debit card and swipes it. Ryan is about to put in his pin number)


RANDALL: You gotta say yo’ pin number out loud. New-ass policy from da top.


RYAN: Are you serious?


RANDALL: I’m dead-ass, nigga.


JASON: Why would that be a policy?


RYAN: Whatever. 6078.


(Ryan puts in the pin number. Randall prints the receipt and hands it to Ryan)


RANDALL: Shout-out to my nigga Jackson.


JASON: Yeah.


(They quickly leave. Cut to Ryan and Jason eating cheese popcorn from bags in Jason’s room)


RYAN: Let me ask you something, Jason.


JASON: What?


RYAN: That girl you were talking to, the weeaboo chick-


JASON; What about her? No, she’s not actually Japanese. She may be a robot, though.


RYAN: No, I was gonna ask…she said “I’m deleting you daddy” at one point. What the hell does that mean?


(Jason laughs)


JASON: Oh my God. We flirt a lot, and she calls me “daddy”, because she’s a sub.


RYAN: Uh-huh.


JASON: So when she gets mad at me, she’ll send me this message on Facebook that goes something like- (Jason laughs) “I’m deleting you, daddy! 10% complete, 35% complete, 50% complete, 99% complete” and then it’s like, “ERROR! True daddies are irreplaceable!” (Ryan laughs) “I could never delete you, daddy! Send this to ten other daddies who give you cummies”.


RYAN: Cummies?!


JASON: You can probably guess what that is.


RYAN: Oh God, that’s funny. That sounds like something Sarah would’ve done early on.


JASON: It’s super weird. She gets off on it. But of course, I’m interested in Cynthia, not this cummy cyborg.


RYAN: Right. (Ryan puts the popcorn on the bedside table and sighs) Uhh…I have some news I haven’t told you.


JASON: What?


RYAN: I’m not going back to Colorado.


JASON: Really, why?


(Jason puts his bag to the side)


RYAN: Well, I am, but I’m coming back soon after.


JASON: What happened?


(Ryan bows his head)


RYAN: My Aunt Barb died yesterday.


(Jason gets up and sits on his bed right next to Ryan and rubs his back)


JASON: Jesus, what happened?!


(Ryan wipes his tears)


RYAN: My dealer broke into my house and just…found her dead. In her sleep.


JASON: She had cancer, right?


RYAN: Yeah, but I didn’t expect her to die this early. I thought she had until September. Now I have to go to Colorado and, bring her back in a coffin so we can have the funeral. Hopefully she’ll fit in the overhead. (Jason and Ryan chuckle) I don’t know why I got so close to someone who was on the verge of death.


JASON: No, don’t think like that, you made her very happy before she went, dude.


RYAN: God…I wish I could’ve been there for her.


(Ryan cries in Jason’s arms. Jason holds him close. Ryan looks at Jason. Ryan starts kissing his neck)


JASON: Ryan.


(Ryan stops and looks at Jason)


RYAN: Come on, man. I have nothing, here. I’m not in college, and my mom resents me for it. I lost my Aunt Barb, my friends are so begrudging about me being back! Michelle insisted that Brennan sit between us when we went to see Mad Max. It’s like their reluctant! (Jason looks down) I need this, Jason. I want you. Because I want someone who wants me.


(Jason looks at Ryan and starts making out with him. They get on the bed and start taking their shirts off. Eventually, they start taking their pants off. Briefly, Ryan and Jason are shown having anal sex on Jason’s bed, with Ryan being on the receiving end. Then, cut to Ryan and Jason lying in bed afterwards. Ryan looks sated, but Jason looks annoyed)


RYAN: Wow…that was just like I dreamed it. Except, we didn’t do it at my old middle school. And Hillary Clinton wasn’t watching to take notes. (Jason gets up out of bed) Where are you going? (Jason takes a cigarette out of his pack, and lights it. He smokes it while looking out the window, wearing only underwear. Ryan sits up in bed) Jason, you should quit with all this smoking stuff, you know, my Aunt Barb died from lung cancer!


(Jason turns around)




RYAN: Are you deleting me, daddy?


JASON: ENOUGH, Ryan! Congratulations! You duped me into it again! Are you proud that I was only a little bit high this time? Is that an accomplishment to you?


RYAN: Jason, why are you freaking out?!


JASON: Ryan, you don’t care what I want, you only care what you want, and you guilt-tripped me into it. And I was stupid enough to fall for it. Your whole- (gesticulates with cigarette-holding hand) fucking man-child vibe. But you know what, Ryan? (Pause) You’re pathetic! (Ryan furrows his brow as Jason takes a drag) And it’s not cute anymore.


(Jason takes a drag and leaves the room. Ryan falls to the ground and starts bawling. Cut to Jason sitting in the game room, continuing to smoke his cigarette while rubbing his temple and listening to Ryan bawl in the other room)


JASON: (Whispering) Should I say sorry? No, fuck that.


(Ryan comes in, wearing all his clothes and wiping off tears. Jason looks up)


RYAN: …You’re right, Jason. I’m sorry for doing that. And I’m sorry we could never quite happen. I won’t bother you anymore.


(Ryan goes downstairs and out the front door as Jason wells up. The song “Exquisite Corpse” by Bauhaus begins playing. Ryan is shown driving back home during the night, looking extremely guilt-ridden. Cut to Jason on his computer, looking at Cynthia’s Facebook page. He notices he hasn’t friended her yet. He smiles and sends a friend request. Cut to Ethan going through his online calendar, and putting “tentative date for the arrival of Jacob, Renee, Ryan, Maddie and Kyle” on July 10th. He smiles as he looks at it. Jacob and Renee, holding each side of Kyle, lower him into his crib. Cut to Barbara being lowered into her grave as Ryan, Jacob, Kimberly, Luke, Aunt Kaley, Grandpa, Joe and Grandma Kay stand around in formal funeral wear, all mourning and crying, as the Bauhaus song fades out at its 3:32 second mark. Cut to Jacob and Renee looking over Kyle in his crib)


RENEE: He’s such an angel.


JACOB: He really is. (Pause) Why did we lower him into the crib, holding him from both sides, like that?


RENEE: I don’t know, that was weird.


JACOB: Yeah, let’s not do that again.


RENEE: Okay.


(Cut to black)



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