The Donahues Episode 216

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan tries to get Jason to come to his 20th Birthday party, Mayor Sarandon tours an aquarium and Eric recieves a strange offer from an online friend

Submitted: June 07, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 07, 2015









“Hear my troubles of mine. Can you take me for one last ride? I want to bend my soul again. That's what we do when we get older. Where's your troubled mind? You've got your money and you got them ‘cause others just can't”

  • Karin Andersson


(We start with Ryan sitting in his therapist Doctor McMorris’ office. Ryan is playing with a Rubix cube while talking to him)


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: It’s good to have you back, Ryan.


RYAN: It’s good to be back, Doctor McMorris.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m sorry about the circumstances of your return, however.


RYAN: Oh, well…she was going to die soon anyway. I just wish it hadn’t been THAT soon.




(Ryan turns the Rubix cube a few times)


RYAN: I’m turning twenty on Saturday.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: You don’t say?


RYAN: Yeah. And I’m horning after a guy who turn seventeen…a month ago.


(Cut to Doctor McMorris)


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Does that bother you?


(Cut back to Ryan. He is now playing with Doctor McMorris’ clock while speaking with him. He is winding it back and forth)


RYAN: I guess. I just won’t want to be one of those guys who can’t ever leave high school, you know?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Can you not play with my clock?


RYAN: Oh, sorry. (Ryan puts the clock down on the coffee table) But Jason doesn’t matter anymore, in theory, because I told him that I wouldn’t bother him anymore. But he’s all I think about.


(Cut to Doctor McMorris)


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: When did you tell him that you “wouldn’t bother him anymore”?


(Cut to Ryan, who is now playing with a gun)


RYAN: Like, two weeks ago. I got pity sex from him, and he was angry about it, so I told him I wouldn’t bother him anymore.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Can you, not play with my glock?


RYAN: Hmm? Oh, sorry. (Ryan puts the glock back in the drawer of the coffee table) Why do you have a glock in here anyway?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I have some scary patients.


RYAN: Makes sense. (Sighs) I just don’t know what to do, my birthday party is supposed to be this weekend, but I’m not sure if I should invite Jason or not. People will wonder “why” if I don’t invite him, and I don’t want them to know “why”! But if I do invite him, it’s like I’m reneging on my promise to leave him alone.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Which is exactly what you want to do anyway.


RYAN: Damnit, McMorris, why do you always have to play psychologist with me?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I AM a psychologist, that’s why.


RYAN: I know, I know, but, you’re right. I want him to be there. I want him to forgive me. I want to be better to him. I want to be his friend if I can’t be his boyfriend. Because he has Cynthia. And I shouldn’t infringe on what he wants to do. So should I invite him?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m not here to tell you to do one thing or the other, Ryan. I’m here to guide you towards your own conclusion.


RYAN: Are you a Zen Buddhist now?


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Stop playing with the scroll of ultimate destiny!

(Cut to Ryan, who is holding an ancient-looking scroll)


RYAN: Oh, sorry.


(Ryan puts it down)


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: Do what you feel like is right. Just because you invite Jason, doesn’t mean he’s going to go.


RYAN: I suppose you’re right. I’ll invite him. Meanwhile, my father is still in Russia. Jacob has a sneaking suspicion that his roommate is Edward Snowden.


(Doctor McMorris chuckles)


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: I’m sure that’s the case.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: I know, it’s stupid. But, Edward Snowden must be happy right now. Congress actually did something good. They ended the mass collection of telephone metadata. And they replaced it with a system where phone companies are required to collect metadata and the government can only access it using a targeted warrant.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: It’s a sizeable improvement.


RYAN: Damn right it is. Congress hasn’t done anything besides symbolic gestures and steps towards debating symbolic gestures in years and then suddenly, they do their job. I mean, the PATRIOT Act remains, but, it’s a compromise. That’s what they’re supposed to do.


DOCTOR MCMORRIS: For about a day there, the PATRIOT Act was gone, though.


RYAN: Yeah, that was terrifying. I woke up one morning and that incessant beeping I usually hear from somewhere inside the walls wasn’t there, and it just didn’t feel the same.


(Cut to Ryan driving. He is listening to “Funeral Fog” by Mayhem. He pulls in to a Chipotle parking lot, and parks)


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: If Jason is at my party, will it be awkward? Will he even talk? Will he slash my tires and subtly hint at it throughout the night? Will he be passive aggressive? (Ryan gets out of his car) Will he be aggressively passive? What if he tells everyone what I did? In a drunken moment? I have to make sure he stays bone sober while he’s there. Oh, well, then he’ll just leave. Shit. (Ryan turns and walks toward the Chipotle) Jason Griffin, what will I do with you- (Ryan opens the door of the Chipotle and sees that Jason and Cynthia are sitting at a table, eating) Holy shit, is that Jason?!


RYAN: Hey! Jason!

(Jason and Cynthia look up)


JASON: Hey, Ryan.


CYNTHIA: I remember this dude! You’re in that band, right?


JASON: Just let Ryan get his food, Cynthia.


(Ryan smiles and walks toward the Chipotle lady with wide eyes, looking anxious. He mouths “wow”)


CHIPOTLE LADY: Hi, welcome to Chipotle, what can I get started for you?


RYAN: Umm…


CHIPOTLE LADY: Just take a deep breath.


(Ryan takes a deep breath)


RYAN: Christ. I’ll have a burrito bowl to go.


(She grabs a bowl)


CHIPOTLE LADY: It’ll be alright, honey, white or brown rice?


RYAN: Brown.


(She puts brown rice in the bowl)


CHIPOTLE LADY: Black or pinto beans?


(Cut to Jason and Cynthia at their table)


CYNTHIA: (Whispering) Why are you being rude to him?


JASON: (Whispering) I’m not. It’s just-we have a history together.


CYNTHIA: (Whispering) What?


JASON: (Whispering) Before we were together, don’t worry.


CYNTHIA: (Whispering) I am worried, if some bitch broke your heart, I’m gonna cut him or her with my heel. In the face.


JASON: (Whispering) It’s a him, just, don’t cut anybody, he just, didn’t respect me. Okay? That’s it. Now let’s get back on Hot Or Not so we can make fun of people.




(Cynthia takes out her phone as Ryan comes over with a bag of his food)


RYAN: Hey, you guys.


JASON: Hi, Ryan.


RYAN: It’s funny that I run into you guys here at this, food restaurant.


JASON: Sure. What’s up, Ryan?


RYAN: This is Cynthia, right?


CYNTHIA: Yeah, we’ve met before.


RYAN: I know, it’s cool to see you again. If either of you guys ever need things only 18+ people can buy. Hit me up.




JASON: I have a guy for that.


CYNTHIA: Jason, he’s a creep, he dressed up like me once!


JASON: Yeah, because he made you a fake voter registration card and tried to pose as you to vote in last year’s election!


RYAN: I didn’t mean 18+ stuff like voting.


CYNTHIA: Oh. Well, I only wanted to vote because I had a crush on Chris Hayes and that shit seemed important to him.


RYAN: You had a crush on Chris Hayes?


CYNTHIA: I’m not proud of it.


JASON: Listen, Ryan, we’re fine. I get my cigarettes from Henry.


RYAN: Okay, fine. By the way, I’m turning twenty on Saturday, and I’m having a birthday party. You and your new girlfriend can come along, if you want.


JASON: Saturday? I think I may have…edgy things to do that day. Band practice!


RYAN: You shouldn’t think of excuses out loud.


JASON: Fair point.


CYNTHIA: Don’t be a party pooper, asshole!




CYNTHIA: We’ll be there. When is it?


RYAN: Saturday at 5pm. At my house. You know where that is, right, Jason?


JASON: I sure do.


RYAN: Good. I look forward to it.


JASON: Will there be a bottle there?


RYAN: A bottle? Yes, there will be a single beer.


(Jason smiles)


JASON: I was thinking something, stronger. Absinthe?


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Jason, are you looking to puke all over my house again?


JASON: We should all drink on the roof. And yell at the stars.


CYNTHIA: That’d be sexy.


RYAN: That’d be suicidal. My roof is slopey and hazardous. Trust me, I’ve gone up there a few times. And I fought a yeti. Also, once I fought a firefighter trying to get me down.


JASON: Are you suicidal, Ryan?


RYAN: I was, at one point. Don’t tell me you weren’t.


JASON: I was. But then I started taking Zoloft. And suddenly I forgot about my old friends. The friends I grew up with. The ones who are still in Boy Scouts and shop at Kohl’s.


RYAN: Don’t tell me you didn’t get that plaid shirt at Kohl’s.


JASON: I got this plaid shirt off of a guy at Warped Tour while he slept. Anyways, I began to let my depression define me, and choose the people I hung out with.


RYAN: People like you and I.


JASON: Yes. Except most of those people are younger than you. And they go to that High School, right down the street. Why is that?


RYAN: I chose this lifestyle for the exact same reason you did. So I could identify myself with something that celebrated the emotions that I felt. It made them hurt less. It didn’t stop working just because I left High School. This is how I deal with things.


JASON: …Okay. (Jason takes out a bottle of Zoloft and slides it over to Ryan) Then deal with it.


CYNTHIA: What is happening? (Ryan takes off the cap with ease) Whoa, that was double child-proofed!


RYAN: No match for me. I’ve been doing this a long time, Cynthia.


(Ryan takes one of the Zoloft pills)


JASON: See you Saturday, Ryan.


RYAN: See you Saturday.


(Ryan walks away. Cut to Eric in his apartment in Burlington. “King Kunta” by Kendrick Lamar is playing in the background as he makes coffee with his Keurig. Coffee dispenses into his cup. Eric’s laptop is on the table)


ERIC: Bitch, where you when I was walkin’? Now I run the game, got the whole world talking, King Kunta, everybody want to cut the legs off him-Kunta! Black man takin’ no losses, oh yeah!


VOICE FROM ERIC’S LAPTOP: Are you listening to hood music again?


(Eric walks over and sits down in front of his computer and opens up Mumble, a voice-over application)


ERIC: Jesus, Abel, actually shut up. Hip hop is not just “hood” music anymore, white kids all over America bump that shit on the daily. It’s part of American culture now. Did you know that terms like “fam”, “on point” and “finna” were used by black people for decades before white kids started obnoxiously yelling them at one another? In fact, it was traced back to ancient Egyptians. They were


ABEL: (Over Mumble) Is that you talking, or is that the hood talking? I’m serious, man!


SOMEONE ELSE ON MUMBLE: You were raised in suburban Vermont, Eric, shut up about the hood.


ERIC: I wasn’t talking about the hood, Koopa. So you shut up.


KOOPA: We all know why the hood culture has infiltrated the suburbs. Because the suburbs are no longer safe from the influence of the hood!


ERIC: That was circular logic, you literally didn’t SAY anything!

ABEL: I’m deleting you, daddy!


ERIC: Abel, are you just going to talk in memes now?


ABEL: (British accent) I’ll bash your fuckin’ ‘ead in, I swear on me mum.


ERIC: Awesome.



ABEL: Sorry, I gotta go.


ERIC: Okay. Good luck. (Abel hangs up) How are we doing, Koopa?




ERIC: Awesome. Can I have a genuine conversation with any of you memers?


KOOPA: You have been coaxed into a snafu!


(Eric sighs)


ERIC: Evidently not. I have to go into work, I’ll holler at you guys later.


(Eric signs off of Mumble. He gets up, grabs his phone and leaves. Cut to Eric at Complete Vape in Plainfield, Vermont. He is behind the counter, vaping with Tony)


TONY: We got this new flavor in, it’s called “Lean”.


ERIC: Jesus, it was only a matter of time before that happened.


TONY: It gets your sizzurped to relaxin’ before any wedding, meeting or funeral you have to go to.


ERIC: What’s in it?


TONY: Melatonin, melanin and artificial grape flavorings.


ERIC: I understand melatonin being in it, because it’s supposed to relax you, but, “melanin”!?


TONY: Because-


ERIC: Before you say anything, that’s racist.


TONY: Racism sells. Why do you think anyone is supporting Rick Perry for President?


(Tony points at the TV, and Eric turns to see Rick Perry’s presidential announcement being broadcast on CNN)


ERIC: I don’t know if anybody is. (A tall, white, brown-haired 18-year old kid walks in. Eric looks at him) Abel?


ABEL: Hey.


(Abel walks up to the counter)


ERIC: Hey man, what are you doing here? Don’t you live in Middlebury?


ABEL: Yeah, but I needed to talk to you. Do you have a second?


ERIC: So now’s the time for sincerity?


ABEL: Eric, it’s important.


ERIC: I’m working.


(Eric takes a drag off his e-cig)


TONY: Hi, I’m Tony.


ABEL: Hey. Abel.


(Tony and Abel shake hands)


TONY: Could I see your ID?


ABEL: Oh, sure. (Abel shows Tony his ID) There you go.


TONY: Just turned eighteen, huh?


ABEL: Yep. (Abel puts his ID away) I just graduated last week.


TONY: Congratulations.


ABEL: Do you mind if I speak to Eric alone for a second?


TONY: Not alone. I have to be able to watch.


ABEL: …Okay. Eric, I was kicked out of my house this morning.


ERIC: Is that what that shit on Mumble was about? With your dad yelling at you?


TONY: What’d you do?


ABEL: Could you-sorry, you said you would watch, not involve yourself.


TONY: I didn’t say I wouldn’t involve myself.


ERIC: He has a point.


ABEL: Why are you-okay, my dad found my weed.


TONY: You should’ve been vaping hash oil. (Tony takes out a box labeled “Vapolizer 2000”. The box depicts a Volcano Vape decorated with Pot leaves) With the Vapolizer 2000, you can get high in class or at your court arraignment and nobody would give a flying damn.


ERIC: We aren’t supposed to explicitly mention that we sell marijuana apparatuses, Tony.


TONY: Does he have cancer or glaucoma?


ABEL: No, just listen! Eric. He found the weed you dealt to me.


ERIC: Really?


(Tony puts the box down)


TONY: Now I gotta hear this.


ABEL: And he knows that because you signed it on the bag!


ERIC: Technically, it wasn’t a signature, it was a logo stylized as a signature. I had those bags custom-made.


TONY: Really dumb.


ABEL: Well, now, he hates me. And he’s ordered me to move in with you.


(Eric takes a drag off his e-cig)


ERIC: Excuse?


ABEL: He’s ordered me to start living with you, like Michael did.


ERIC: His solution to your perceived “drug problem” is for you to move into your drug dealer’s apartment!?


ABEL: He knows we’re friends. Mostly online friends, but still. And he said something like “hey, if you wanna be a gay druggie, go and be a gay druggie” and ORDERED me to move in with you!


ERIC: He can’t ORDER anything!! It’s MY apartment!!


TONY: You know, I recently got a home gym installed-


ABEL: Why are you changing the subject?! We are clearly NOT done with this topic!


TONY: Fine, go ahead.


(Tony takes a drag off his e-cig)


TONY: Listen, my dad doesn’t want me in the house. It’s bad enough he knows I’m gay and HATES me for it, but now he knows about my marijuana use. And would it be so bad to live with me? You’re living in Plainfield for the entire summer, right?


ERIC: Yeah, because I have summer classes, but Abel, I’m not just going to let you LIVE in my apartment! I’m glad that Michael is gone anyway, that kid would sleep until 3pm and leave a pube shrine on the toilet seat every time he used it.


ABEL: It’s not like living with you was always peachy either, Eric. From what Michael told me.


ERIC: What do you mean? (Flashback to April 16, 2015. Michael is on the toilet in Eric’s apartment’s restroom. Eric is banging on the door) MICHAEL!!? DO YOU NEED HELP!?




(Eric unscrews the doorknob from the door, causing it to fall to the bathroom floor, leaving a hole that Eric’s enter)






(Pan to Eric’s computer, which is behind him while he terrorizes Michael. Everyone Mumble, including Abel, is cracking up. Cut back to present day, at Complete Vape)




ABEL: And you wanted to milk him?


ERIC: If it’s so bad, why do you want to live there?


ABEL: Because, I have nowhere else to go! And…I want to experience independence. I’m probably going to Goddard starting in August anyway. If you’re tired of Michael, try someone new, is all I’m saying. Just think about it. See you on Mumble.


(Abel leaves. Eric sighs and takes a drag on his e-cig)


TONY: Dude’s gay?


ERIC: Yep. Dude’s gay.


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon in his office, drinking coffee while on his computer. He has a mustache now)


MAYOR SARANDON: Hmmm…if FIFA can be bribed, maybe the Olympic Committee can too. Too bad I don’t have enough money to bribe them because of FUCKING ETHAN!!!


(Evan comes in)


EVAN: Hey, are you ready?


MAYOR SARANDON: Ready for what?


EVAN: Ready for HILLARY! But anyway, no, ready to tour the Hansbay Aquarium with some school children.


MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, right, that’s today. (Mayor Sarandon stands up) Do I look good?


EVAN: I would personally lose the mustache.


MAYOR SARANDON: My fiancée likes it. Does yours?


EVAN: Cruel.


MAYOR SARANDON: Fine. I’m sorry. Do I need the giant ceremonial scissors?


EVAN: For what?


MAYOR SARANDON: To cut the ribbon, to unveil the aquarium.


EVAN: Uh, I’m not sure.


MAYOR SARANDON: Better bring them just to be safe.


(Mayor Sarandon takes giant ceremonial scissors out from under his desk and then he leaves with Evan. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Evan, an aquarium tour guide in a polo and a bunch of elementary school children. They are looking at a walrus tank. The local news is also there, filming it. Mayor Sarandon is holding the giant scissors)


AQUARIUM TOUR GUIDE: Hi everyone, I’m Terrance, and today we’re going to learn about fish!


ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILD: But that’s a walrus!


TERRANCE: Yes, these aren’t fish, but they are still creatures of the sea. Did you know Walrus’ blubber can keep them warm in frigid waters? That’s why they have it.


CHILD: Did you guys give it to them?


(Terrance chuckles)


TERRANCE: No sweetheart. We just gave them sedatives so that we could capture them and lock them in this tank.


MAYOR SARANDON: Excuse me, sir, I don’t mean to be impatient, but, when am I supposed to cut the ribbon to unveil this brand new aquarium we have here?


TERRANCE: …Mr. Mayor, this aquarium has been around for six years. You yourself unveiled it in 2009.


MAYOR SARANDON: …Is that right? I guess I didn’t recognize it, it’s probably undergone some renovations.


TERRANCE: No, sir. Not any, because you haven’t appropriated any money for renovations, we’ve been lobbying the city council for years. The glass on some of these tanks is not strong enough, but we can’t afford to replace the tanks.


MAYOR SARANDON: …Interesting. You know what’s more interesting? Facts about Walruses!


TERRANCE: YES! In fact, did you know Walruses can live between 30-40 years in the wild?




(The school children laugh)


EVAN: You want me to hold those scissors?


MAYOR SARANDON: No, I don’t trust you with them.


EVAN: …So you want to lug around these giant scissors when you don’t even need them?




TERRANCE: Okay, everybody! Let’s move to the jellyfish exhibit! (They all start walking out of the room. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Evan, Terrance, the press and the kids in a room full of jelly fish tanks) Did you know Jelly Fish don’t have brains?


MAYOR SARANDON: So like Evan here?


(The kids laugh)


TERRANCE: Yep, and they have no hearts either.


EVAN: So like Brian here-


MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t you dare.


EVAN: Come on, man.


CHILD: Can we touch the jellyfish?


TERRANCE: No, sport, I’m afraid you can’t.




TERRANCE: Hey, no yelling!




(The child grabs Mayor Sarandon’s giant scissors out of his hand)




(The child then throws the scissors at the jellyfish tank, breaking the glass, sending gallons of water and tons of jellyfish flooding out. The children, Terrance, Mayor Sarandon, Evan and some of the press are throttled back by the wave. Pan to a soaking wet Mayor Sarandon, Evan, Terrance lying on a puddle near the back of the room, surrounded by jellyfish and children. They are coughing, and there is still a member of the press filming in the background)


EVAN: HOLY SHIT!! (Coughing) WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! (Evan looks at his hand, to see it has been cut by a shard of glass)  Oh, fuck! I’M CUT!


(Mayor Sarandon coughs some more and stands up)




(Terrance stands up, coughing)














EVAN: Oh, Christ.




(Mayor Sarandon kneels down and helps a child up, and Terrance starts doing the same. Evan takes out his phone and dials 911. Cut to Michelle, Sarah, Brennan, Eric, Jason, Michael and Abel in a van that Sarah is driving)


MICHAEL: Sarah, where did you get this van?


SARAH: Irville let me borrow it for the night. He used it while going on tour for his one-man shows. I guess he thought he might have parties with groupies and stuff.


ERIC: Explains the- (Eric holds up a package of women’s underwear) unopened package of women’s underwear and this- (holds up a TAB soda can) fake can of TAB soda, which actually has- (he unscrews the can and pulls out a small bottle of melatonin) melatonin in it.


BRENNAN: He was getting fucked up.


(They laugh, but Sarah suddenly possesses a look of panic)


SARAH: Oh, fuck!




SARAH: That reminds me! I left out my fake Sunkist can, the one that has my weed in it! Jesus, I hope Amy doesn’t find it.


(Cut to Amy walking into Sarah’s game room. She sees the fake Sunkist can)


AMY: Ooh! Soda! I like that. (Amy picks it up, tries to pull back the tab, but the tab just comes off) Ooh, wow, it’s hard to happen! What a rip off. I don’t like that.


(Amy puts the soda down, and leaves the room. Cut back to Sarah and everyone in the van)


SARAH: Actually, now that I think about it, I’m probably fine.


MICHELLE: Hey, hold on, I didn’t get Ryan a gift, did any of you?


(Sarah stops the car in the middle of the road)




(Honking behind them ensues. Cut to all of them getting out of Sarah’s van in a parking lot)


MICHAEL: Sarah, was stopping in the middle of the road really necessary?!


SARAH: We ALL forgot to get gifts! I had to stop so I could turn around!


MICHAEL: And drive the wrong way down the road?! This Walmart Supercenter is right down the road!


SARAH: Whatever, it’s over.


BRENNAN: We would’ve been over.


(Abel turns around)


ABEL: Hey guys, look!


(The camera pans up to reveal a neon sign reading “COMMON PENIS”)


JASON: What the hell is that?!

SARAH: Common Penis, it’s a sex shop. It’s been here forever. It’s a play on words, it’s like “Common Sense”, but they took out an E, an S and another E and replace them with a P, an I and an S.


MICHELLE: Why not “Condom Sense”?!


SARAH: Because that’d be stupid.




ABEL: Guys, we should get Ryan gag gifts here. As in he’ll gag on them.


(They all laugh)


JASON: I don’t know about that.


MICHAEL: No, Abel’s right, that’ll be hilarious. I’ll get him a dragon dildo and it will be fucking epic.


JASON: Come on, we don’t have to do that, right? What do you get for the man who has all the sex toys possible?


(They laugh)


MICHAEL: Come on, let’s go in.


(Jason sighs and follows the rest of them as they go in the shop. The shop is filled with sex toys, porno movies and various titillating products. A girl behind the counter with a lot of tattoos stands up. Her nametag says “Melody”)


MELODY: Welcome to Common Penis! Ask us about our S&M insurance.


ERIC: I’ll follow up with you about that.




(Cut to Brennan and Jason over by a shelf that has tiny dildo pacifiers. Brennan laughs and picks up one of the tiny dildo pacifiers and shows it to Jason)


BRENNAN: Hey Jason, you should sue them for copyright infringement.


(Jason laughs. Cut to Eric and Michelle in the greeting card section. He is reading one of them)


ERIC: Jesus, these sexual greeting cards have no subtlety to them whatsoever! They’re not even clever, look! (Eric starts reading one) “I got you a big black cock for your birthday”.


(Eric turns the card around to show a picture of a naked, muscular black man with a huge penis. Michelle laughs)


MICHELLE: Not even trying.


ERIC: Right?!


(Cut to Michael and Brennan fingering the same hole of a displayed rubber vagina while Melody and her assistant Crystal watch)


MELODY: Are you guys fingering the same hole?


(Michael turns around)


MICHAEL: It’s awfully spacey in here.


(Pan over to Abel, who is hanging out near Melody and Crystal)


ABEL: Can you believe these two?


CRYSTAL: What? Do you prefer Caitlyn Jenner’s vagina?


(Abel looks at Crystal)


ABEL: Goddamn, your gaydar is spot on.


(Cut to Michael, Eric, Brennan, Abel, Sarah and Michelle coming out of Common Penis with bags of smut for Ryan. Jason is out there smoking a cigarette)


MICHAEL: Alright, we’re all done buying the meme gifts. Jason, did you get anything?


(Jason takes a drag and looks at them)


JASON: Nah, I ain’t about that.


BRENNAN: Then what are you gonna say, nuqqa? That you didn’t give a shit enough to get him something?


JASON: I’ll figure something out.


ERIC: If it’s about money, I mean, my dad is a Judge, so I can pay for whatever you want. I paid for Michael’s meals 75% of the time he lived with me, and I all I asked in return was his complete obedience and fealty.




JASON: I’m fine, really.


ERIC: Alright then. Let’s go.


(Jason puts out his cigarette on the ground and they all pile into the van. Cut to Fiona Cadbury reporting on the local news station. A picture of Hansbay Aquarium is beside her)


FIONA: Shocking news out of Hansbay this afternoon. There was a major accident at Hansbay Aquarium which has left dozens of children and several adults injured. Mayor Sarandon was reportedly touring the aquarium with second grade children from Hansbay Elementary School when one of them grabbed a pair of giant scissors that the Mayor was, for unclear reasons, toting around. The child, whose name is not being disclosed, then threw the pair of scissors at a Jellyfish tank, breaking it, and causing gallons of water to throttle the children and the adults back, causing severe injuries including cuts from glass shards, blunt-force trauma from the force of the water and jelly fish stings as well. Miraculously, none of these injuries are reported to be life-threatening. Twenty Hansbay second-graders were hospitalized and all of them are in stable condition. Mayor Sarandon was hospitalized as a precaution, but has been released. Hansbay Chief of Staff to Mayor Sarandon, Evan Alexander, was also briefly hospitalized, but has been released. And so has aquarium tour guide Terrance Grothman.


(Cut to Patrick White, also reporting the news)


PATRICK: In another bizarre twist to this already bizarre story, this exclusive footage was captured by one of our camera man in the aftermath of the jelly fish tank breaking. Enjoy.


(Patrick smiles deviously. Cut to a behind-shot footage of Mayor Sarandon and Terrance standing in the water in the aftermath of the tank busting. Evan is still on the ground. Terrance is coughing)














(Cut back to Patrick and Fiona at the news desk)


PATRICK: Chilling.


(Cut to Valerie turning off that news report as it broadcasts in Mayor Sarandon’s living room. Mayor Sarandon is sitting on the couch with his arm in a sling and numerous bandages to cover up cuts to his face and arm. Valerie turns to him)


VALERIE: I don’t even know what to say to you.


MAYOR SARANDON: How about “glad you’re okay, I’ll get you some hot soup”?


VALERIE: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO PEE ON THOSE KIDS!!! I would say that it’s “Politics 101” to NOT say that you’re going to pee on children, but I THOUGHT IT WENT WITHOUT SAYING!!



VALERIE: BE SORRY THAT YOU SAID YOUR WERE GOING TO PISS ON SOME CHILDREN! Brian, even if that WASN’T a myth and urine ACTUALLY soothed the pain of jellyfish stings, do you think that doing that would’ve been a good idea!? I mean, were you really going to urinate on those children?!


MAYOR SARANDON: I-I don’t know, probably not, but I was just trying to be helpful! Won’t that recognize that as a merit even if I didn’t, word it in the best way?


VALERIE: IT’S NOT A MATTER OF WORDING! Jesus, you’re political career is over!


MAYOR SARANDON: The late night hosts will have their fun for a week at most.


VALERIE: No, no, no, no! Not at all! Jon Stewart and David Letterman are probably regretting their decisions to leave their shows JUST because they wanted to milk a YEAR’S worth of material out of this. To make matters worse, by the way, you have kind of a child molester’s mustache now.


MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll make light of it! I’ll diffuse the situation with self-deprecation!


VALERIE: Telling jokes about peeing on children don’t usually go over very well anywhere except Neverland Ranch and maybe the Duggar family house. You’re done. You will never be elected to another office again. And quite frankly, I’m done with you.


(Valerie starts walking away. Mayor Sarandon stands up)








(You can hear a door slamming. Mayor Sarandon sits down. His face looks grim, and he switches on the TV. Cut to Ryan talking to Kimberly and Luke in the foyer. They are both dressed nicely, for a night on the town)


KIMBERLY: We’re going out tonight so we can give you plenty of room to have fun with your friends. Okay?


RYAN: Great. Thank you.


LUKE: I don’t want the house to turn into a crack den, okay? Unless I’m profiting from it.


RYAN: You won’t need to worry about that. It’s all drug-free.


KIMBERLY: Of course, Luke was just joking. But seriously, if you wind up on the roof, I’m not calling the fire department.


LUKE: We’ll just throw things up there until one of them knocks you off the roof.


RYAN: Message received.


KIMBERLY: Happy Birthday, baby. (Kimberly hugs Ryan, and then Kimberly looks at Ryan) How’s it feel to be twenty?


RYAN: I’m just grateful I’ve lived this long.


KIMBERLY: Oh, don’t say that.


LUKE: Intimate high-five. (Ryan and Luke high five) Alright, let’s go.


(Kimberly and Luke walk outside to see Brennan, Sarah, Michael, Michelle, Eric and Abel outside, holding bags labeled “Common Penis”. Jason is standing by, not holding any bags)


KIMBERLY: Oh, wow.


MICHELLE: Uhh…hi, Mrs. Donahue.


LUKE: Altmire. Wonderful bags you have there.


ERIC: Well, this is awkward.


RYAN: Yes. It is. What?


BRENNAN: Don’t worry, Ms. Altmire-


KIMBERLY: Mrs. Altmire.


BRENNAN: Mrs. Altmire, these are gag gifts-er-joke gifts.


LUKE: Choke gifts?


BRENNAN: JOKE GIFTS! Sorry, joke gifts.


KIMBERLY: Alright then. Have fun with that.


(They get into their car and Luke backs out, and drives away. They all crack up)


RYAN: Holy shit, come in here, guys.


(Cut to the eight of them in Ryan’s game room. Sex toys are strewn everywhere, and Ryan picks another bag from Common Penis up)


SARAH: That one’s from me!


RYAN: Let’s see what’s in here- (Ryan takes out a DVD copy of “Breaking Bad XXX”, the Breaking Bad porn parody) ohhh, wow.  (They all laugh) Breaking Bad porn parody, huh?




(Ryan points to a picture of a guy dressed as Walter White, surrounded by half-naked women)


RYAN: How are they going to turn every scene of this show into porn!?


MICHELLE: They’ll have that scene where Walter lets Jane choke to death on her own vomit, except in this version she’ll choke to death on cum.


RYAN: That works, I guess. I can’t wait to binge watch all five seasons of this.


MICHAEL: I don’t think they produced that many.


RYAN: Well, thank you guys for these pornographic gifts. Now all I have to do is figure out where to hide them and how to explain them to anyone who finds them.


MICHAEL: Happy Birthday, Ryan!


RYAN: Wait, Jason, did you get me anything?


JASON: Oh. My gift to you is coming in the mail. Don’t stress, fam.


RYAN: That’s what’s up. Make sure it’s air-dropped as the clock flies V.


JASON: It’s not weed.


RYAN: Oh. Never mind then.


BRENNAN: You get your weed air dropped?


RYAN: I have alcohol in my closet and music on the way, so feel free to get a hold of it. Except for Jason, he is the designated DD tonight.


JASON: Says who?


RYAN: It was a random…decision. Based on random chance.


JASON: Why isn’t Sarah the DD? She drove us over here.


RYAN: Because she was kind enough to drive you all here, she should be rewarded with drank.


SARAH: No, I’m good. Irville wouldn’t like anyone but me driving his van.


JASON: See? Get me a gin and tonic!

RYAN: We only have vodka and discount soda water. Also, there are no waiters here.


JASON: That’s cool. I can get it myself.


(Jason walks towards Ryan’s room)


SARAH: Why didn’t you want Jason to get drunk? Is he a mean drunk?


RYAN: …No, he’s a perfect drunk…he’s perfect.


(Sarah nods)


SARAH: I see.


RYAN: Ah- (Ryan clears his throat) did you hear about those two guys who escaped from Clinton Correctional in upstate New York?


SARAH: I did. That’s only like an hour and a half from here.


RYAN: Yeah, it’s scary. They’re both murderers. And they escaped by drilling through steel walls and steel pipes! God knows where they got drills! And I heard they left coats and pillows under their sheets to make it seem like they were there. They have eight-year old tactics.


SARAH: I bet they left tape recorders looping “good night Mr. Warden, I love you” over and over again.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Probably.


(Jason returns with a red plastic cup)


JASON: Hey, I went ahead and got the music started.


(“Smile” by The Story So Far starts playing in the background)


RYAN: Jason, why?


JASON: What? It’s from The Story So Far’s new album.


RYAN: Jason, I understand you’re only seventeen, but you’ll grow out of this style of pop punk, God willing.


JASON: Why? It’s good now, why wouldn’t it be good when I’m twenty, like you?


RYAN: Because I used to be seventeen too, and I was into this style of music, you know? The kind where the song titles are way cleverer than the basslines, guitar riffs, choruses, lyrics or the people in the band. It’s like they should just go into business writing song titles.


JASON; You know, I’m in a pop punk band.


RYAN: Yeah, but you guys are great. Better than your influences, and that’s rare. That’s like beating Lou Reed in a drinking contest. Which I’m sure you’ll do tonight.


(Ryan pats Jason on the shoulder and walks towards his room)


JASON: Who the hell is Lou Reed?


SARAH: An old dead guy who influenced people, but most of all, he influenced his liver.


JASON: Do you like The Story So Far?


SARAH: Oh, Jason. You’ve so much to learn.


JASON: You guys do. You’re the ones who invited me here.


(Jason takes out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth and walks into another room as Sarah stands there. “Goes Black” by Big Ups comes on, and Ryan walks over to Sarah)


RYAN: Where’d Jason go?


SARAH: To smoke a cigarette on your roof, I think.


RYAN: I think he gets all his life advice from pop punk songs too.


(Sarah laughs)


SARAH: (Singing in an ultra-melodic, pop punk style) Smoke a cigarette on the roooof!!


RYAN: (Singing in a similarly ultra-melodic pop punk style) And I can only think of youuuuu!!


(Ryan and Sarah laugh. Cut to Eric getting slamming back a cup of vodka and coke and throwing the cup on the ground. Abel and Michael are watching)


ERIC: WOOO!! Who wants to get milked tonight?!


MICHAEL: No one. Can ever. Get milked.


ERIC: Don’t talk like that, you’re not making any sense.


MICHAEL: I’ll try to work on that.


ABEL: Hey Michael, could you give us a second?


MICHAEL: Gladly.


(Michael leaves and shuts the door behind him)


ABEL: Eric…there’s a closet in this house somewhere where the two of us can-you know what? Fuck it.


ERIC: Fuck what? One of Ryan’s plush dolls? I already have.


ABEL: Jeez, which one?


ERIC: Fluttershy.


ABEL: You might want to get checked, he may have an STD. From Ryan. But anyway, I was saying, fuck it. (Abel holds out his hand in a very theatrical way and stands tall) dance with me, Eric!!


ERIC: Let’s do it.


(Eric grabs Abel’s hand and the two slow dance for a spit second before Eric falls to the floor, and Abel, surprised, looks down at Eric rolling around on his back, like a baby, and laughing. He also starts gushing spit from the sides of his mouth)


ABEL: Holy shit.


(Michael and Ryan come in)


MICHAEL: Is he alright?


RYAN: Oh. This meme again.


ABEL: This is a meme? Why wasn’t I told? I’m an expert on memes.


MICHAEL: Whenever Eric gets drunk enough, he rolls around on the floor like a baby.


ABEL: Wow… (Mumbled) that’s really a turn-off.


MICHAEL: What was that?


ABEL: Nothing!

RYAN: I heard you, Abel. And I agree with you. It was a problem when Eric and I were screwing around too.


ABEL: We’ve never screwed around.


RYAN: I know. Just saying.


(Ryan leaves)


MICHAEL: Just for the record, I heard about you wanting to move in with him. Let me tell you something. (Michael takes Eric outside Ryan’s room) It’s not worth it. You know, he used to put inanimate objects in my bed with me and convinced me I was sleep walking.


ABEL: I don’t want to talk about this.


MICHAEL: Okay, that’s fine. (They hear a car horn outside) Oh, shit, you know the model of car that makes that beep?




MICHAEL: Well, THAT car was in this street racing video I saw recently


ABEL: I said I didn’t know the car.


MICHAEL: Okay, so, fuel is injected directly into the cylinder so that combustion occurs at constant pressure, as the piston moves, and-


ABEL: Are you describing how a car engine works to me?!


MICHAEL: Don’t interrupt me. So, in the Otto cycle-


(Abel starts day dreaming as Michael’s voice is tuned out. Flashback to September 14, 2014. Eric is seen waking up in his bed in apartment. He turns to a 17-year old Abel and smiles)


ERIC: Fuck. I picked up another tranny.


ABEL: I’ve coaxed you into a snafu.


(They both laugh. Cut to Jason outside Ryan’s house, smoking a cigarette and watching Brennan ride around the street on his skateboard, trying to do a kick flip)


JASON: Dude, do you have to practice right now?


(Brennan rides by)


BRENNAN: I’m gonna get it, dude!


(Ryan comes outside holding a drink)


RYAN: What’s going on?


JASON: Brennan, you’ve been trying to do a kick flip for like, three weeks, man.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: What?! That’s so long.


(Ryan walks over to Jason. Brennan rides over and stops)


BRENNAN: I haven’t quite done it yet, but I’ve only been practicing five hours a day.


RYAN: Long time!


BRENNAN: Malcolm Gladwell said 10,000 hours!


JASON: Yeah, if you want to become Tony Hawk, not if you want to learn one of the most basic skateboarding tricks.


BRENNAN: Fuck off, guys, don’t you know my girlfriend broke up with me?!


RYAN: Dion?


BRENNAN: Yeah, Dion!


JASON: What happened?


BRENNAN: She said she “couldn’t see a future with me”. She’s sixteen.


RYAN: Jesus Christ. Imagine looking for a future at sixteen. I’m twenty and I’m not looking for a future. I’m looking for a now.


JASON: Fuck yeah.


RYAN: I just have yet to find one I enjoy that much.


JASON: Yeah, me neither.


(Jason takes a drag and Ryan takes a drink)


RYAN: You don’t seem that broken up about the…break up.


BRENNAN: Yeah, I’m not really.


(Brennan skates away. Jason and Ryan turn away from Brennan to speak privately, as Brennan continues to unsuccessfully attempt to do kick flips in the background)


RYAN: Hey, I’m sorry if I offended you earlier, about The Story So Far. I just don’t really get down with that type of music anymore.


JASON: It’s fine, dude. Here’s my question, though. Why did you not want me to drink?


RYAN: I wanted you to know my intentions are pure. I really just want to be friends, I don’t want to be anything else than that.


JASON: So you won’t date rape me. That’s good to hear.


RYAN: You know what I mean.  (Jason takes a drag) Also, if you ever want to talk, I’m down to talk. I didn’t know you took Zoloft. That concerns me, even though I have to admit, it’s the only way to fly.


JASON: Why do you guys keep me around when I’m so much younger than most of you?


RYAN: You’re not that much younger. Three years is-


JASON: Forever for people our age, dude. Three years is 15% of your life.


RYAN: I mean, Jason, we like you, plus, you’re a part of Brennan’s band.


JASON: So are Ernie, Rick and Louise, and they’re all your guys’ age, more or less. And yet, they’re not invited to these types of things.


RYAN: I don’t know, I haven’t gotten to know them.


(Jason takes another drag)


JASON: I think you guys keep me around so you can feel like you’re hanging onto your youth, because you guys can’t figure out for shit what to do with adulthood.


(Brennan does a successful kick flip in the background, which neither Jason nor Ryan see)


BRENNAN: YES!! (Jason and Ryan  turn around) DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT SHIT?!


RYAN: No, sorry, we didn’t.




(Brennan throws his skateboard down and storms inside, as Sarah comes outside)


SARAH: Hey, what are you guys doing out here?


(Jason puts out his cigarette on the ground)


JASON: I was smoking. I’ll go back inside now and see if Eric remembered how to walk.


(Jason starts walking towards the door)


SARAH: We’ll be there in a second.


JASON: Okay.


(Jason goes inside, and Sarah walks over to Ryan)


SARAH: What are you doing?


RYAN: …Talking to Jason?


SARAH: Ryan…what are you doing going after him? He’s so young. He’s not progression past any of the people you’ve dated, he’s RE-gression. He’s not at your maturity level. He smokes only because it’s edgy and cool, and I could see an Inuyasha-shaped burn mark from where he got a tattoo laser-removed. And God knows who tattooed a 17-year old to begin with.


RYAN: ….You know what I think, Sarah?


SARAH: What?


RYAN: …I think you’re jealous. And I think you’re trying to sabotage this. What did you say to him?


(Sarah looks at Ryan in disbelief)


SARAH: Ugh. You know what, Ryan? I was wrong. You two are at the same maturity level. Happy Birthday.


(Sarah walks back inside, leaving Ryan there bitterly staring at his shoes. He finishes his drink and crushes the cup, then walks back inside. The camera starts to zoom out as “Raging Lung” by The Knife begins playing. Cut to Abel standing over Eric, who is passed out on Ryan’s floor. Abel pokes Eric with his foot, but he doesn’t wake up. Abel sits down and rests Eric’s head on his lap, and strokes his hair. Cut to Mayor Sarandon standing in front of a broken mirror. Shards fall into the sink, and he looks at his fist. It is bloodied. Cut to Ryan vomiting into his toilet while Jason holds his hair back. Brennan, Sarah and Michael stand outside the bathroom, looking at this transpire, as the song ends)


JASON: He’s making it in the bowl. That’s a step up on me.


(Michelle and Sarah chuckle. Cut to black)



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