The Donahues Episode 219

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

To celebrate the Supreme Court's decision on Gay Marriage, Eric, Brennan, Michael and Jason plan to go to a music festival but try to exclude Ryan because of the drugs that might be there. Meanwhile, Michael deals with anger issues and Eric contends with his parents' extortion.







“You used to check the weather, now you stopped that. You used to look at time, now you quit that. You used to wear red, now you wear white. What happens all the time, it happens all the time. Replace the word ‘space’ with a drink, and forget it. Space is only noise if you can see”

  • Nicolas Jaar


(We start with Ryan lying in bed at around ten in the morning. Kimberly bursts into his room)




(Ryan jumps up)


RYAN: What?!


KIMBERLY: The Supreme Court just legalized gay marriage!!


RYAN: Wait, all across the country?!




RYAN: Oh my God! (Ryan tears up) This is incredible!


(Ryan and Kimberly hug. Jacob comes in with Kyle in his arms)


JACOB: Congratulations, Ryan! Now you can get married!


(Ryan detaches from Kimberly)


RYAN: Marriage has been legal in Vermont for almost six years, Jacob. The awesome thing is that my gay friends in Texas and other backwards, medieval states can get married!


JACOB: Do you have any friends in Texas?


RYAN: No, thank God.


(Luke comes in with a bottle of champagne)


LUKE: I guess the Mountain Top has room for raves, huh, boy-o?


RYAN: Doctor King’s ghost can be the DJ. And Harvey Milk can twerk on Matthew Shepard.


JACOB: So, who are you marrying?


RYAN: I’m remaining single for the time being, Jacob, thank you. I’m not just going to go off and get married because a bunch of old fruits say I have the right to.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to be too hasty about getting married, right Jacob?


JACOB: You really don’t.


(Luke hands Ryan the bottle)


LUKE: My country has had legal gay marriage for years. You can pop this bottle.


RYAN: Let’s do it in the kitchen.


JACOB: That’s what gays all over the country are saying.


(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Luke and Kimberly in the kitchen as President Obama speaks on television. They are all holding champagne flutes)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: This ruling is a victory for Jim Obergefell and the other plaintiffs in the case. It’s a victory for gay and lesbian couples who have so long fought for their basic civil rights. It’s a victory for their children, whose families will now be recognized as equal to any other. It’s a victory for the allies and friends and supporters who spent years, even decades working and praying for change to come.


RYAN: I just imagine these Congressmen in 1866 drafting the fourteenth amendment, and their eyes meet across the room, and one of them winks.


(Luke laughs)


LUKE: It’s only a matter of time, Mr. Bingham. Meet me in the cloak room.


(They all laugh, and Ryan and Luke clink glasses)


KIMBERLY: I heard President Obama gave Jim Obergefell a call on television.


LUKE: That’s great. I think he should also call the people who make Oreos. Without their help, I don’t know if this could’ve happened.


(Kimberly laughs. Ryan starts crying)


KIMBERLY: Are you okay, Ryan?



(Ryan breaks down in tears as Kimberly holds him. Jacob and Luke stand by smiling. Cut to Michael, Eric and Brennan sitting around in Eric’s apartment. Michael is holding a pipe with marijuana in the bowl)


MICHAEL: So, you want to go to this Music Festival in Boston?


ERIC: Yeah, I think it’d be really great. Plus, I have connections that will make this trip all the better. Because we’ll be rolling our balls off.


MICHAEL: Rolling our balls down to a fine paste?


ERIC: Yeah!


BRENNAN: Shut up, and take your hit already.


MICHAEL: Sorry, sorry, I’ll take it. So, who all is coming?


ERIC: You haven’t taken your hit. Michael, you always do this. You procrastinate on smoking weed, Jesus, you can’t even be proactive about things you LIKE to do!

MICHAEL: I’m sorry, I’ll take it! (Michael takes his hit) Okay, so who’s going?


ERIC: Are you going to pass that?


MICHAEL: That was my first hit, dude, we’re doing two hits each.


BRENNAN: Oh my God, then take your second hit!

ERIC: Stop talking and take it! You’ve had that pipe for like, fifteen minutes!

MICHAEL: Dude, okay, here I go.


(Michael takes his hit and hands the pipe to Brennan)


BRENNAN: And to think I was once straight-edge.


(Brennan takes his hit)


ERIC: Be the person you want to be. Not who you should be.


MICHAEL: So, I ask again, who’s going?


(Brennan takes another hit and hands it to Eric)


ERIC: Well, all of us, obviously. Maybe Abel and Jason too.


(Eric takes his hit)


MICHAEL: So, no Ryan?


ERIC: Do you really think that would be a good idea? He’s been clean for over a year.


BRENNAN: We drank with him for his birthday two weeks ago!


ERIC: Clean of ecstasy, I mean.


MICHAEL: I don’t know, Michelle kind of indicated that he’d done E as recently as last November.


ERIC: It doesn’t matter, he can’t hold his E, and we can. We can do it occasionally and be fine, but he has no self-control.


MICHAEL: Once YOU got high and threatened to milk me, and ended up just wrestling me to the ground.


ERIC: That’s irrelevant.


MICHAEL: No, I don’t think it is.


BRENNAN: So you want Ryan at this drug-fueled festival, Michael? He’ll be so high he’ll rub his dick on a cactus or something, probably knock the man over. Maybe he’ll twerk on the man and get his dick caught on fire!


MICHAEL: The “man”?




MICHAEL: There’s no cactus, do you think we’re going to Burning Man?


BRENNAN: Are we not?


ERIC: We’re not going to Burning Man, you just knew that.


BRENNAN: Okay, well, wherever we’re going, Ryan shouldn’t be around so many drugs.


ERIC: Agreed. We’ll keep it from Ryan, because he’ll no doubt bitch about it.


BRENNAN: What are we going to tell him if he asks where we are?


ERIC: What are we, his wives? We’ll tell him we’re fuckin’ busy.


MICHAEL: I don’t think you know Ryan. Sometimes when I don’t answer his calls, I’ll see him driving around my cul-de-sac to check whether my car is there.


ERIC: Then answer his calls, and tell him that you can’t hang out. He can hang out with Michelle or Sarah or something-


(They all laugh)


MICHAEL: What a meme.


BRENNAN: Chill. This should be a fun festival. I want to flirt there.


MICHAEL: And get laid?


BRENNAN: Sure, that too. I like the flirting better though. It’s more of a rush for me. Sometimes I cum while I’m flirting.


(Michael laughs)


MICHAEL: You’re joking, right?




(Brennan looks at his phone)


ERIC: So, Brennan, do you want Jason to come? Or nah?


(Brennan is still looking at his phone)


MICHAEL: Dingus. Answer the man.


ERIC: Brennan, I’m going to rape you if you don’t answer me.


MICHAEL: I’ll do the raping. Eric will hold you down.




BRENNAN: Hold on a second, I’m on Vine.


ERIC: Holy shit, doing what?


BRENNAN: Vining about how I’m going to Warped Tour!


MICHAEL: This isn’t Warped Tour dude, pay attention!

BRENNAN: Sorry, I was on my phone when you told me.


ERIC: I don’t remember that being the case.


BRENNAN: I’m always either on my phone or thinking about it, so….


ERIC: Listen, retard, don’t vine this! Ryan will find out if you spread it around!




ERIC: Now, do you want Jason to come?


BRENNAN: Sure. What could go wrong?


ERIC: …I don’t know, nothing comes to mind.


BRENNAN: Exactly.


MICHAEL: So why’d you say it?


(Brennan is on his phone again)


BRENNAN: What’s that?


(Cut to Michael walking into his room wearing a towel, obviously just having showered. Michael takes off the towel and sees he has some stomach flab. He holds it and sighs. He then puts on underwear and dress pants, and a black dress shirt. Someone knocks on the door)


MICHAEL: Who is it?


WANDA: It’s your mother.


MICHAEL: Come in.


(Wanda comes in)


WANDA: Come on, let’s go get your old car from the shop. Elisa needs it by Monday.


MICHAEL: I can’t, I have to go to work.


WANDA: After we get the car, Michael.


MICHAEL: Mom, literally, I can’t be late for this job, I was five minutes late for orientation and they said lateness was frowned upon. And it’s my first day!


WANDA: Michael, if not now, when?


MICHAEL: Later today! When I get off work!


WANDA: Michael, we said we would get it done Thursday morning, so that’s what we’re doing! I don’t think you realize, if we don’t pick up your Corolla, chaos wins! And order has fallen.


MICHAEL: So you’re going to risk me losing my job just so we can do something that can be done later anyway?


WANDA: Because I said so!

MICHAEL: That doesn’t even-screw this, I’m going to work, you can’t make me do anything, I’m 19 years old! (Michael picks up a tie) Now, could you help me tie this tie?


WANDA: I don’t know how to do that.


MICHAEL: …Shit. Well, (Michael throws the tie over his shoulder) I guess I’m losing that job. We can go to pick my car up now.


WANDA: I can’t go with you. Miranda will.


(Miranda comes in)


MIRANDA: Ooh, I’m old enough to drive now! How’s that?


MICHAEL: Amazing. Wait, do you know how to tie a-




(Cut to Michael driving his Camry while Miranda follows behind. NPR is playing on his car radio)


NPR: In addition to the Supreme Court’s decision on gay marriage, on Thursday the Supreme Court upheld the Affordable Care Act of 2010 once again today in a 6-3 decision. The Court ruled that despite unclear wording in the text of the law, states that chose not to set up their own exchanges could receive federal subsidies through the Affordable Care Act to assist newly insured people who cannot pay for their insurance. Striking this down would have essentially gutted the law, so liberal voices in Washington rejoiced today, especially the President. However, in a harsh dissent, Justice Antonin Scalia said that the court’s decision was based on “interpretive jiggery-pokery” and was “pure applesauce”.


MICHAEL: You know, I’m beginning to think that this is not just old man folksiness. I think he might be losing his mind.


NPR: In another victory for the President today, Congress passed the Trade Promotion Authority act, which authorizes the President to fast-track negotiations on free trade deals like the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Free-trade deals like the TPP have been controversial amongst politicians in the President’s own party, as well as liberal citizens who usually support the President. Reportedly, a Washington D.C. barista who made coffee for the President at a local organic coffee shop did it while giving him a death stare the entire time and not saying a word. Congress will now take up a measure to provide assistance to workers whose jobs are displaced by the very trade agreement that they just gave a rubber stamp of approval to.


MICHAEL: Oh, how nice. It’s like a severance package for every American worker. (Michael is slowing down towards a light, when some guy in a wrangler, cuts him off and stops at the light in front of him, making Michael have to slam on his brakes) What the fuck?! Why did he speed to get in front of me if he was just going to stop at the light!? (Michael rolls down his window and sticks his head out of it) FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!!


(The guy looks at Michael from his Jeep Wrangler, which has a Confederate Flag spare tire holder cover)





(The driver, a middle-aged dude with a beard and a beer belly, jumps out of his Wrangler)


DRIVER: You wanna go, motherfucker?!


(Michael gets out of the car and slams the door)


MICHAEL: Really want to do this, old man?!


DRIVER: I’m gonna wrangle you, boy!


MICHAEL: Let’s go-sorry, did you just make a pun in the middle of a road rage fight?



(Michael and the driver go at each other. Michael punches the driver in the stomach, and then the driver punches him in the face, knocking him back)




(Michael punches the driver in the face, and the driver tackles him to the ground. Miranda runs over)









(The driver pegs Michael to the concrete and lifts his fist to punch him)




(The driver looks over at Miranda)


MICHAEL: Miranda, I’ve got him on the ropes, GO AWAY!!

(Miranda takes out forty dollars in cash)


MIRANDA: THERE! Take that!!


DRIVER: Oh, I see. (The driver gets off of Michael) You called your girlfriend and her money as back-up.


(Michael stands up)


MICHAEL: She’s my sister.


DRIVER: Same thing.


MICHAEL: Wow, where are you from?


DRIVER: Fuck off, that’s where I’m from.


(The Driver takes Miranda’s money and goes back to his Jeep and sits in it)


MIRANDA: That explains the confederate flag spare tire holder cover, thing. He must’ve gotten the last one they sold on Amazon.


MICHAEL: I can’t believe you did that.


(Michael gets in his car. Miranda scoffs and walks towards her car. Cut to Eric working at Complete Vape in Plainfield, Vermont. CNN coverage of the gay marriage decision is playing in the background as Eric juices an e-cigarette. Tony walks over)


TONY: Hey, we need more frog corpses for the “Eye of Newt” flavor.


ERIC: Sure. Wait, what?


TONY: Yeah, it’s a popular flavor.


ERIC: Wait, we actually use the eyes of newts for the “Eye of Newt” flavor?!


TONY: Yeah, what? Do you think we’re dishonest to our customers?


ERIC: I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek thing!


TONY: Yeah, we adulterate it with some frog tongues and cheeks, but it’s mostly eye of newt and water!

ERIC: That is-NOT what I meant!


TONY: Why are you so pissy? Shouldn’t you be happy?


ERIC: Why?


TONY: Because of this?


(Tony points to the TV)


ERIC: You assume I’m homosexual?


TONY: You’re something, right? You’re one of the letters in LGBT? Probably the B, maybe the L?


ERIC: Yes, Tony, I’m a lesbian.


TONY: Oh, I thought L stood for “late bloomer”. Like old people who the Government put through Top Secret estrogen replacement trials during the Cold War to see if they could homosexualize the Soviets.


ERIC: Still wouldn’t make sense for me, I’m not old.


TONY: You know gay people age well. They go to the gym.


ERIC: I’m bisexual, but, gay marriage has been law here in Vermont for six years, and, I don’t know, it was gonna happen eventually, I don’t see the point of getting excited over it. Thirty-seven states already had gay marriage by the time this ruling came down.


TONY: Well, I’m surprised you’re not more excited. But whatever. By the way, we need to throw out all the confederate flag E-cig skins.


ERIC: Why did we have those to begin with?


TONY: I have this customer who calls himself the “Wrangler”, and he always bought them. But now the NAACP is up my ass, so we gotta throw ‘em out.


ERIC: Got it. (An older slightly overweight blonde woman in glasses comes in the store, and Eric looks up, panics, and puts the E-cig under the counter) Mom! Hey! What-what are you-doing here?


ERIC’S MOM: What are you doing?


ERIC: I’m uh-I’m sitting in on this vape shop to protest it, it’s a protest, like a sit-in. Like the Civil Rights sit-ins.


(Eric takes off name tag)


TONY: Dude.


ERIC’S MOM: I can’t believe you workin’ at an electronic cigar store!


TONY: E-cigarette.


ERIC’S MOM: You know these electric cigarettes have formaldehyde in ‘em?


ERIC: Mom, only when you vape them at 5 volts. I vape them at 3 volts.


ERIC’S MOM: Do you even know what formaldehyde is?


ERIC: Yes, mom, it’s a carcinogen.


ERIC’S MOM: It is? Okay, I know it sounded bad. See?!


ERIC: Mom, but I don’t vape it at that voltage! How did you find me here?!


ERIC’S MOM: I went to your apartment to surprise you but you weren’t there. Why weren’t you there, Eric?


ERIC: Can we talk outside? You’re embarrassing me in front of Tony.


TONY: This is really embarrassing.


ERIC: Thanks, Tony.


ERIC’S MOM: HE should be embarrassed! He’s employing a 19-year old to sell death!


TONY: We don’t have that flavor anymore.


ERIC: (To Tony) SHH! (To his mom) Listen, let’s talk outside.


(Eric and his mom go outside)


ERIC’S MOM: I broke into your apartment when you wouldn’t answer, and I saw you had your work schedule up on your computer! I almost fainted when I saw it, Eric! Why you doin’ this to me?!


ERIC: I’m not doing anything, shouldn’t you be glad I’m earning my own money rather than leeching off of you!?


ERIC’S MOM: Nooo!!!


ERIC: Okay?!


ERIC’S MOM: Why do you think I came over, Eric?! I had a surprise for you! Look!


(Eric’s mom points to Eric’s dad getting out of a 2015 Tesla Model S)


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Here you are, son. A brand new car.


ERIC: Holy shit.


(Judge Sullivan puts his hand on the car as Eric and his mom walk toward)


JUDGE SULLIVAN: She is a real powerhouse. 2015 Tesla Model S. It’s electric, it has all-wheel drive, rain sensors and it’s the first car in history that actually appreciates after it’s driven off the lot.


ERIC: Wow, thanks you guys so much. What is this for?! My birthday’s not until November.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Well…wait, Rhonda, why did we get this again?


RHONDA: Uh, as a gift. For passing his first year of college.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: There you go.


ERIC: Well, I can’t thank you guys enough.


(Eric hugs his father, kind of half-heartedly)


JUDGE SULLIVAN: You’re welcome, Eric. (Eric detaches from his father and his father just holds him by the arms) You know, you’re like a son to me.


ERIC: I am a son to you.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: My only son. My only child. So you can’t continue the Sullivan family line if you take the cue of the Supreme Court and marry a fellow.


ERIC: What-why would I do that?


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Come on. Let’s get real.


ERIC: I’m real. 100% real here, why would I do that?


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Eric, I’m a Judge. I’ve seen accused drunk drivers come to my courtroom with their hands stuck in a jar, and even some of them are better liars than you.


RHONDA: We gave you this car. (Eric turns around) And we expect you to give us grandchildren. And, we expect you to quit this vape shop.


(Eric pauses)


ERIC: Oh, I get it. This isn’t a gift at all. It’s “tough love”, also known as blackmail.


RHONDA: We didn’t say that, Eric!


ERIC: Didn’t have to. It’s clear. You’re doing this meme again. Trying to control me with money. Why don’t you just grab a shotgun and I can go marry some nice Indian girl? That sound good?


JUDGE SULLIVAN: It certainly wouldn’t smell good.


ERIC: Wow, extremely racist.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: I’m sorry, listen, we were going to give you the car no matter what! But just consider what you’re doing to us when you drive that thing around and refuse to do something that would make us happy.


ERIC: I would, but, I won’t be driving that thing around. I don’t accept your gift.


RHONDA: Excuse me?


ERIC: I didn’t ask you to do this! And I’m not accepting your emotional blackmail! I will continue to drive my Lexus.


RHONDA: And what if we take that away? Or stop paying for your gas?


ERIC: You can do whatever you want! I’m not accepting the Tesla.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: Eric, this Tesla cost me 81,000 DOLLARS! And I almost bought an Edison, which is even more expensive because you charge it by electrocuting an elephant!


ERIC: Sell it then. Goodbye.


(Eric starts to walk away)


RHONDA: Eriiiic! Where you goin’?


(Eric walks back into the vape shop)

JUDGE SULLIVAN: Little brat. What should we do?


RHONDA: I know what we should do. Leave the Tesla and take away the Lexus. He’ll be too tempted eventually.


JUDGE SULLIVAN: How will we know if he’s driven it?


RHONDA: Let me take care of that.


(Cut to Jason talking on his cell phone in his room)


JASON: Why isn’t Ryan going?


BRENNAN: (On the phone) Because that’d be like inviting a kleptomaniac to a trinket warehouse. It’s asking for trouble.


JASON: A trinket warehouse?


BRENNAN: Do you want to go or not? Why do you care if Ryan is there? I noticed a weird vibe between you guys at his birthday party.


JASON: Are you sure you weren’t just busy dicking around with your skateboard?

BRENNAN: I’m only ten weeks away from being able to do an Ollie, dude.


JASON: I was just wondering why Ryan wasn’t going to be there.


BRENNAN: Well, now you know. Are you down?


JASON: Sure, man. That sounds great.


BRENNAN: Cool. Call Eric if you want details.


JASON: Alright. See ya.


BRENNAN: Deuces.


(Jason hangs up. Jason bites his lip)


JASON: …What is wrong with me?  (Jason calls someone on his phone. Cut to Eric, Brennan, Michael and Jason in Eric’s apartment. Brennan, Michael and Jason are wearing skinny shorts and tank tops and appear to be packing up. Eric is wearing his normal clothes, however. Michael has a black eye) Do we have to start calling each other before we hang out to make sure we don’t dress the same?


BRENNAN: I really hope not.


ERIC: You all look like assholes, now just pack up, we have a long drive ahead of us.


(They start packing up)


ERIC: Wait, there’s one thing I forgot to ask, Michael, um, what the fuck happened to your eye?


MICHAEL: I got in a fight with some inbred dingleberry when he cut me off in traffic.


ERIC: Are you kidding me?


MICHAEL: No. I beat him in the fight, of course, but, he roughed me up in the process.


BRENNAN: You beat him?


MICHAEL: Had him writhing on the cold, hard concrete.


ERIC: Why would you do that?


MICHAEL: He picked the fight with me. I had to defend myself.


BRENNAN: You couldn’t have defended yourself with, the car?


MICHAEL: Yeah, Brennan, I’ll just run him over.


BRENNAN: No, I mean, getting in the car, and driving away.


MICHAEL: I’m not a pussy. I could beat up some old man.


JASON: He was an old man!?


MICHAEL: Not an OLD man, but older than me.


ERIC: That’s so stupid, Michael. You never escalate situations like that. Did you know World War I started with a traffic dispute between an Italian and an Austrian?


MICHAEL: That is NOT true.


ERIC: Then how did World War I start?


MICHAEL: I don’t know, but not like that. Listen, I was just upset because my mom basically made me lose my job at Schmageggi’s because of her sheer irrationality! I was pissed, and had to take it out on something or someone!


BRENNAN: You’ll make a great husband.


(Someone knocks at the door)


ERIC: Who the hell could that be?


(Jason bites his lip, nervously. Eric opens the door to see Ryan, also wearing skinny shorts and a tank top)


RYAN: Oh, it seems I’ve stumbled on the world’s most bloodless coup, overthrowing me as head of the meme team-even PART of the meme team. Well guess what? (Ryan shows cutting scars on his wrist) Blood has been shed.


ERIC: What ae you doing here?! How did you find out about this?!


RYAN: About what? You guys going to the Wicked Retarded music show in Boston and not inviting me?


BRENNAN: It that what it’s called?


ERIC: For some reason, yes.


RYAN: You realize I was the one who introduced half you people to a genre besides metal and its punk variants!


ERIC: Who told him?!


JASON: I did.


MICHAEL: Jason, what the hell?


JASON: I told him your guys’ concerns and we came to an equitable solution. Ryan, tell them.


RYAN: I am willing to have a chaperone with me at this event that will prevent me from doing any drugs while I’m there.


ERIC: A chaperone? Well, I’m sure I could get my dad to do it, but then we’d have to go to the zoo instead of a fucking rave.


MICHAEL: Eric, ever heard of elephant tranquilizer?


JASON: I volunteer to be the chaperone.


BRENNAN: You want to babysit Ryan for the night?


JASON: I’m the designated driver anyway, why not? It’s unfair that Ryan can’t go on this trip. Especially with that gay marriage ruling, we can call it a celebration of that.


ERIC: You can call it whatever you want, he has no ticket!

RYAN: I bought a ticket shortly before they sold out. (Ryan takes out a ticket) It would be super shitty of you guys to go without me. I mean, why would you organize this whole thing without even asking me if I could handle it?! I’m clean and sober! Of rave drugs, anyway, so why wouldn’t you guys invite me on this awesome road trip with my friends!? I mean, is Jason my only real friend in this group!?


MICHAEL: Jesus, Ryan, this is graduation night all over again! You always do this! When there’s ever a slight change of plans or when we don’t want to include you in ONE THING, you bitch and cry and try to force your way onto it, you realize forcing your way into a trip like this is the WORST way to make the trip fun for you!?


RYAN: Don’t bring up graduation night, we agreed to never talk about that! And I’m tired of you guys pushing me away! I may have problems, but you guys aren’t perfect either! And it’s not an excuse to shut me out! I’ve been back from Colorado for a month, but you try to act like I’m still there! So I’m not forcing myself onto this. I’m asking you, can I come?


(Michael looks at Eric)


MICHAEL: This is your thing, Eric.


ERIC: …You can come. But Jason will be your chaperone. Even if you fuck a girl there, he will watch.


JASON: Especially if you fuck a girl there.


(They laugh)


BRENNAN: Cool. So let’s go. Whose car are we taking?


ERIC: We can’t take mine. My parents took it away. Michael?


MICHAEL: I can only use my car to go to work and back. Another one of my mom’s infallible commandments.


(Ryan comes in and shuts the door)


BRENNAN: My car’s a two seater, not enough room. Unless we strapped Michael to the roof, but then it’d be too top-heavy.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Goddamn, that was harsh.


MICHAEL: Fuck off. What about you, Ryan?


RYAN: I deliberately broke my car in the parking lot just in case you guys wouldn’t let me come. If I had no way to get home, I figured that might guilt you into it.


BRENNAN: You asshole.


RYAN: That leaves you, Jason.


JASON: I don’t have a car. I have a license, but no car.


RYAN: I thought you did!

JASON: I crashed it a few months ago. Into a pole.


RYAN: A polish person or a pole?


MICHAEL: Wait, are you saying there’s no fucking ride to this show in Boston!? How did we not work this out beforehand?! What are we even doing?!


(Eric sighs)


ERIC: There is another option.


BRENNAN: What’s that?


ERIC: …I didn’t want to do this, but, my parents bought me a Tesla to emotionally blackmail me into quitting the vape shop, I declined their gift-




ERIC: AND they left the Tesla in the parking lot to make me feel guilty. It’s our only option to get to the show.


BRENNAN: Bro, as long as they don’t know, they can’t use it against you.


ERIC: Yeah, we just have to pray they don’t swing by. Let’s go already.


MICHAEL: Can I drive it?!


ERIC: No! You’ll start talking about how the car works and what year it was made and the name of the factory worker that manufactured the engine-


MICHAEL: Usually it’s more than one factory worker-




(They all start heading out the door. Cut to Eric driving the Tesla with Michael in the front seat and Jason, Brennan and Ryan in the back. Eric and Michael are vaping while “Beep Street” by Squarepusher plays on the stereo. Brennan is on his phone. Jason rolls down the window a bit and pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. He then lights it and takes a drag before blowing the smoke out the window)


JASON: What the hell is playing right now?


ERIC: It’s Squarepusher. He’ll be one of the people at the festival.


JASON: This song is way too cluttered.


ERIC: I suppose you would rather the song have a generic metalcore riff and obnoxious chorus vocals.


RYAN: Guys, let’s lay off of Jason, huh?


JASON: Yeah, I’m only twelve, after all.


MICHAEL: Jason is a little shit. A snot-nosed youngster.


(Some of them laugh)


BRENNAN: Don’t make Jason bring out his ukulele. You’ll know what generic sounds like then.


ERIC: Could you not smoke in here, Jason? Why don’t you just get an E-cig like us?


JASON: I had one, but I ran out of juice and threw it away. It’s too hard to maintain.


RYAN: You tried your best, huh?


(Jason takes a drag)


JASON: That’s right.


RYAN: Jason, when are you graduating from High School? Class of 2016?


JASON: A little earlier than that, actually. I’m taking my last year at the Hansbay Center for the Performing Arts, and I’m graduating in December of this year.


RYAN: …Oh. Wow. Where are you going after that?


JASON: SUNY Plattsburgh. Their music program is great, from what I hear.


RYAN: Holy shit, dude.


JASON: What?


RYAN: I’m going to SUNY Plattsburgh, starting in August!


JASON: Christ. That’s cool, man.


RYAN: Yeah, what dorm are you staying in?


JASON: I don’t know.


RYAN: Well, we can hang out whatever dorm we’re in. Hopefully the dorm is better than Buckham Hall, from UVM. That place had legit holocaust showers.


BRENNAN: For real?


RYAN: Yeah. You had to make sure the knob was switched to water instead of gas every time you went in there.


(Cut to the music festival in Boston. Eric’s Tesla is pulling up into a field that is acting as a parking lot. They get out of the car, and you can hear music playing in the distance. There is also litter everywhere. Michael stretches)




BRENNAN: Jesus, Michael, do you have to scream every time you stretch?




(Jason and Ryan walk away from the car)


JASON: (Whispering) Permission to murder him?


RYAN: (Whispering) You’ll get used to it.


JASON: (Whispering) I’d only need to do it once.


ERIC: Alright, we’re seeing Lone’s set first. Well, that’s what I’m seeing anyway.


BRENNAN: I’m going to see Brand New, I don’t know about you guys.


JASON: Brand New, fuck yes! Their second album has saved my life at least three times. I owe it to Jesse to save his.


BRENNAN: From what?


JASON: You know. Stage diving.


BRENNAN: He’d probably just kill you if he stage dove onto you.


JASON: Then that’ll be my sacrifice to the pop punk Gods.


RYAN: Listen, I like Brand New, a little bit, but Iceage has a set in fifteen minutes and I am NOT going to miss it for Brand New.


MICHAEL: They’re showing Ice Age here? That movie is like, over a decade old.


RYAN: Not the movie, dumbass, the post-punk, noise rock, gothic rock band from Denmark.


ERIC: Not enough genre labels. 2/10.


RYAN: Come on, guys, they’re real gothy! Just like us! We should see them!


BRENNAN: Goth is stupid. I’m scene.


RYAN: Brennan, you have black fingernails right now!


BRENNAN: Well, yeah, (Brennan looks at his fingernails) but it’s not-it’s not goth-they’re not painted on, it’s-I have….bubonic plague.




BRENNAN: Iceage sounds gay, I don’t want to see them! Jason and I can go see Brand New while you see Iceage, how about that?


ERIC: NO! Jason is Ryan’s chaperone!


RYAN: Jason, come on, Iceage is from Denmark, they don’t come around just any day. I’m sure Brand New will be touring for their comeback album pretty soon. Please?


JASON: …Ugh. Alright. But we’re seeing Neck Deep later.


RYAN: Jesus, fine.


JASON: YES! (Jason takes off his tank top and puts on another one that says “NECK DEEP: GENERIC POP PUNK”) Reppin’.


RYAN: Yes.


ERIC: Oh, before everyone goes, who wants to take ecstasy now? Besides Ryan and Jason obviously?


MICHAEL: I’ll take some.


BRENNAN: I’m fine for now.


ERIC: Really? Just Michael and I? (Eric sighs) Okay. Here goes.


(Eric takes out a baggie of two tablets of ecstasy and hands one to Michael)


MICHAEL: I hope this’ll just melt my constant anxiety away.


ERIC: It’ll probably just melt that black eye off your face. And then the black eye will follow you as a constant reminder that your anxiety will always come back.


MICHAEL: …Hopefully this’ll help me forget what you just said.


(Eric and Michael both take the pills. Cut to Ryan and Jason approaching the outside stage where Iceage is performing to a medium-sized crowd. Elias Bender Ronnenfelt, the lead singer of the band, is up there as his band prepares to play a song)


RYAN: Holy shit, there they are!


(Jason takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth and lights it)


JASON: He’s a good looking guy.


RYAN: He’s so dark and mysterious. I’ve never seen him smile.


JASON: He’s not wearing a beanie or anything. No gauges either. I don’t know where he stands.


RYAN: Well, he’s not going to save your life. If you’re feeling suicidal, listening to Iceage would probably drive you to suicide. But it would be a beautiful suicide.


(Jason takes another drag)


JASON: …I’m already committing suicide. When are they gonna play?


RYAN: Let’s get closer to the stage.


(Jason and Ryan head down near the front of the stage, pushing past the crowds)


ELIAS: (Danish accent) This first song is called “Glassy-Eyed, Dormant and Veiled”.


(The crowd cheers)










ELIAS: (Singing, as the music is played) The world was once seen burning in my eyes, just as it is in youuuuurs noooow, a hurricane of memories put out the embers that remained, and now I’m gooooooone! Though I’m obsolete, ill scold you even in your dreams, rise from your sleeeeeep, boy! A myriad of maladies, incomplete identity, hunger for the love you never gave! Don’t think I did not hear you coming home, booooooooooy!! Don’t think I did not hear you coming home, last niiiiiight, I am an absent father! Glassy eyed, drunken and veiled!


(Cut to Ryan and Jason in the crowd. Ryan, and a lot of the others are singing along)




(A mosh pit starts as people start ramming into each other. Jason is pushed away from Ryan)




(Ryan is head-butted in the stomach by some girl)




(The girl, who is a cute, dirty brunette wearing a green jacket, looks at Ryan)


GIRL: (Danish accent) Sorry about that, kid. (The girl pats Ryan on the shoulder) Go ahead, do me!


(The girl backs up and pats her stomach as Ryan stares at her studded belt and crust punk shoes)


RYAN: Uhhh- (Ryan and the girl get separated by the mosh) NOO! BRING ME BACK!! (Ryan begins crowd surfing) TAKE ME BACK TO THAT PUNK ROCK CHICK WITH THE GREEN JACKET!!


(Cut to Jason, who is also crowd-surfing)



CROWD SURFER: Looks like this guy is part of the “Just Say No” Gang, huh?!


CROWD SURFER 2: You know what we say to straight edge kids?!




CROWD SURFER 2: How would you like a- (The guy takes a jagged blade out of his boot) JAGGED EDGE!?




CROWD SURFER: We don’t tolerate NARCS around here!!




CROWD SURFER 3: He’s just saying that so we won’t cut him!


CROWD SURFER 2: Exactly! That’s why we’ll give this narc a fate worse than death! This- (he takes out a huge bag of weed) huge bag of weed!


(Jason fights back his excitement)


JASON: Oh no. Don’t.


CROWED SURFER: He’s right, that’s too harsh, just kill him!

JASON: WAIT! NO! I deserve a bag of weed! As punishment for my narcing ways!

CROWD SURFER 2: Alright then. Here you go-


(The girl who head-butted Ryan earlier comes in and punches crowd surfer 2, then kicks crowd surfers 1 and 3 to the ground)





(The girl tugs Jason away)


GIRL: I gotta go!

(The girl crowd surfs away, and Jason rolls his eyes and pushes his way outside the crowd)


JASON: DAMNIT! I lost track of Ryan! I HAD ONE JOB! And now Ryan could be getting fucked up as we speak! Let me call him.


(Jason calls Ryan on his cell phone. Cut to Ryan’s phone ringing in his pocket as Ryan and the girl who head butted him are standing in the crowd, singing along to “Morals” by Iceage)




(Cut to Elias on stage, later, singing a completely different song)


ELIAS: (Singing) Favorite oooooonnnee! Favorite ooooonnneeee! Favorite oooonneee! I do believe I am the Lord’s favorite one… (The song ends as people cheer) Sweet dreams.


(Elias walks off stage. Cut to Ryan and the girl who head butted him standing in the field, talking)


RYAN: He doesn’t say “thank you” or “goodbye” or anything. He just walks off.


GIRL: He’s like that.


(The girl takes out a cigarette and lights it)


RYAN: I think that’s part of his appeal. He acts like he doesn’t give a fuck when he obviously does, he’s literally trying to convince us he’s the “Lord’s favorite”.


(The girl exhales smoke)


GIRL: And he believes it. I’d like to know where his morals are.


RYAN: …Did he break your heart?


GIRL: I did date him, for a while.


RYAN: No fucking way.


GIRL: Yep.


RYAN: Really?!


GIRL: Yes. Elias and I were an item. Well, he used me like an item anyway.


RYAN: Holy shit, I should’ve figured from the Danish accent that you guys knew each other!

GIRL: We don’t all know each other, Ryan. Although I’ve fucked quite a few of them.


RYAN: Come on, Kristel, doesn’t Denmark have like, ten people living in it?


KRISTEL: Try five million.


RYAN: Clearly, you have.


(Kristel laughs)


KRISTEL: How dare you.


RYAN: I’m just kidding, but if you dated Elias, why did you come to this concert?


KRISTEL: I needed to put an ocean between me and Elias, so I moved to New England to pursue music. I heard Touché Amore was playing here, and I knew Elias always hated them, so I figured I’d see them.


RYAN: Is every decisions of yours motivated by bitterness?


KRISTEL: Mostly. (Ryan laughs) Anyway, so I saw that Iceage was booked at the last minute, and I figured I’d see them, because even though Elias is a son of a bitch, he puts on an ass-pounding live show.


RYAN: I think your English could use some work there.


KRISTEL: What do you mean?


RYAN: “Ass-pounding live show”?


KRISTEL: I stand by it.


RYAN: Alright.


(Ryan and Kristel laugh. Kristel puts out her cigarette and takes out her pack)


KRISTEL: Want one?


RYAN: I’m fine.


(Kristel puts the pack back in her pocket)


KRISTEL: How old are you?


RYAN: Twenty.


KRISTEL: I would not have guessed that. You have a little baby face.


RYAN: Well, I don’t act my age. I really don’t act anybody’s age. I’m the worst aspects of all ages piled into one.


KRISTEL: If you say so.


RYAN: How old are you?


KRISTEL: Twenty-two.  As of last week.


RYAN: …You know what? When I say “I’m the worst aspects of all ages piled into one”. Most people would just re-assure me that I’m not. But you were honest with me.


KRISTEL: No, I just trust you. People know how fucked up they are more than anybody else, whether they want to admit it or not. And everybody tries to fix everyone else just to make themselves feel like they’re less fucked up.


RYAN: …You trust me?


KRISTEL: No reason not to.


RYAN: …My friends insisted that I have a chaperone at this festival to make sure I didn’t do any drugs. That’s how little they trust me.


(Kristel laughs)


KRISTEL: A chaperone?!


RYAN: I know. It’s so stupid, meanwhile, they’re off doing ecstasy!


KRISTEL: And where’s your chaperone? He’s clearly not doing his job!

RYAN: He lost me in the pit.


KRISTEL: I’m sure you’ll see him when you identify the body.


RYAN: I’m not sure I’ll recognize him with that Nike logo across his face.


(Kristel laughs)


KRISTEL: His eye balls will be a fucking ash tray.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: Yep.


KRISTEL: …So are you gonna do it?


RYAN: Do what?


(Kristel pats her stomach)


KRISTEL: Head butt me?


RYAN: Yeah, Kristel, I’m gonna head butt you.


KRISTEL: Come on, pussy. Right here.


(Kristel pats her stomach)


RYAN: But you’re a girl.


KRISTEL: Doesn’t matter. Fags got their equality. It’s about time we did.


RYAN: Do your friends in Copenhagen know you talk like that?


KRISTEL: No. They also don’t know I talk to faggy emo kids from Boston. Thank the Lord for that.


RYAN: I’m not from Boston. I’m from Vermont.


KRISTEL: Me too. Now head butt me. (Ryan smiles and tackles Kristel to the ground, and she giggles as Ryan lays on top of her and looks at her face and smiles) That’s fucking cheating!


(Ryan kisses Kristel, and she acquiesces. Suddenly, Elias Bender Ronnenfelt, his black bodyguards and the rest of his band walk by, and people start freaking out)






(Elias’ body guards Kristel taps Ryan on the back, and they both get up and see Elias, his band and body guards standing before them)


ELIAS: Kristel?


KRISTEL: Great show, Elias.


(Elias takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth and lights it. He exhales smok)


ELIAS: Well, this is a surprise. First, I come to America and find out that black people indeed exist, and then- (The body guards furrow their brow) I discover my ex-girlfriend went to a show just to make me feel jealous.


KRISTEL: I just happened to be here. I didn’t know you would be, Elias.


RYAN: I know this may be the worst time to bring this up, ever, but I am a huge fan of yours.


ELIAS: You’re not my favorite.


RYAN: Understandable.


ELIAS: Take him to the brig.


(Elias and his band walks away, leaving the body guards behind)


BODY GUARD: Um…he wants us to take you to the brig.


BODY GUARD 2: But we’re not allowed to do that, because you’re not doing anything.


BODY GUARD: And there is no brig.


KRISTEL: Just go keep fans away from Elias before some poor girl falls in love with him!


BODY GUARD: Yes ma’am.


(The body guards start speed-walking towards Elias. Ryan starts laughing, and so does Kristel. Cut to Eric and Michael at the Nicolas Jaar set. Nicolas Jaar is playing the song “The Three Sides of Audrey and Why She’s All Alone Now” as Eric and Michael stand in the crowd)






















(Michael and Eric leave the crowd at Nicolas Jaar’s set. Cut to Michael and Eric eating chicken wings at a picnic table near a food truck, which has an enormous line)


MICHAEL: Good thing we were early to the food truck.


ERIC: I can’t believe this shit. I spent thirty dollars on those pills!


MICHAEL: Wait, each or altogether?


ERIC: Altogether!

MICHAEL: Then you shouldn’t have expected ANYTHING but salt pills, retard!


ERIC: He said they were diet Ecstasy.


MICHAEL: Oh, of course.


(Brennan comes over)


BRENNAN: Dude, the Brand New set was INCREDIBLE!! And so was the Touché Amore set, Jeremy Bolm signed my chest!

(Brennan lifts up his tank top to reveal Jeremy Bolm wrote “The Fuck?” between his question mark nipples)


MICHAEL: He didn’t even sign his name.


BRENNAN: Shit, really?


ERIC: Just sit down and have chicken wings, man.


(Brennan sits down)


BRENNAN: I don’t really want them.


MICHAEL: Why not? We haven’t eaten since we left.


BRENNAN: Not hungry. There was a food truck selling pancakes down near Brand New’s set.


ERIC: What a healthy lunch. Michael, can I feed this wing to you?


(Eric holds up a chicken wing)


MICHAEL: Totally, Eric.


ERIC: Come on, let me feed it to you.


MICHAEL: No, you retard.


(Eric stands up and walks over to Michael with the wing)


ERIC: Just have a bite.


(Michael takes his knife while smiling)


MICHAEL: Eric, get away from me.


(Brennan laughs)


BRENNAN: You’re gonna stab him?


ERIC: Yeah, seriously! Just because I want to feed you a wing? Just open wide!

(Michael puts down the knife)


MICHAEL: I’m not gonna stab you, but I’m just, dude, the meme is over, I’m not let you feed me a wing!


ERIC: Here it comes.


(Eric pus the wing closer to Michael’s mouth, but Michael moves his mouth away




ERIC: Michael, all I want to do is feed you a wing!

MICHAEL: I know! I get that! That’s not a normal thing to want to do! And I don’t want you to do it!

BRENNAN: Eric, just sit down.


ERIC: No, he needs to let me feed this wing to him!


(Eric puts the wing near Michael’s mouth again)


MICHAEL: Eric, seriously, stop it.


ERIC: The train is coming into the station!

MICHAEL: Fuck the train.


(Eric puts the wing near Michael’s mouth again and he smacks it out of Eric’s hand)


ERIC: Okay, fine!

(Eric grabs another wing and puts it near Michael’s mouth, and Michael stands up, pushes Eric before punching him in the face, causing him to fall to the ground, shocked. Brennan restrains Michael from going any further)






(Eric stands up holding his chin as Michael hyperventilates. He then shakes Brennan off of him)






(Jason runs over with a cigarette in his mouth)


JASON: Guys, I can’t find Ryan for the life of me, he ran off! What just happened here?! Did you punch Eric?!


ERIC: He has fucking problems!


BRENNAN: You LOST Ryan?! You had one damn job, dude, and now he’s probably snorting E with his eyes!


JASON: I’m sorry, but, I lost him in the mosh pit. I also lost my cell phone, wallet and dignity in the mosh pit, and wound up with someone else’s- (Jason takes out an Android and a brown wallet) cell phone, wallet and dignity somehow. Does anyone know who Matt Holmes is?


(Ryan and Kristel walk over. Ryan has his arm draped over her shoulder)


RYAN: Hey guys!



RYAN: Nope. You didn’t. This is my new friend Kristel.


(Michael and Eric start vaping on their e-cigs)


KRISTEL: Wow. They all look just like you.


BRENNAN: Hi Kristel.


(Brennan smiles flirtatiously and looks at his shoes)


KRISTEL: And yet they have a more obnoxious sht

Submitted: July 01, 2015

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