The Donahues Episode 220

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan and his girlfriend go to the fireworks show at Lake Champlain to celebrate America’s 239th Birthday, and run into Jason and Cynthia there. Ethan applies for clemency while homesick in Russia and tries to convince Vitenka to move to America with him if he receives a pardon and Luke receives a message at the end of work on July 3rd that distracts him through July 4th

Submitted: July 05, 2015

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Submitted: July 05, 2015

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THE DONAHUES

 

“STAR-SPLATTERED BANNER”

 

TV-MA DLS

 

“Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just. And this be our motto: ‘In God is our trust.’ And the Star- Spangled Banner in triumph shall wave o'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!”

  • Francis Scott Key

 

(We start with Ryan being tutored by Celia at her home. Ryan seems preoccupied)

 

CELIA: Okay, so you understand that the X needs to be on both sides in order for it to be included in the factor?

 

RYAN: Uh-huh.

 

CELIA: Okay, and so then you divide each term by the factor, go ahead.

 

RYAN: Okay.

 

(Ryan starts factoring as Celia’s cat comes underneath the table and rubs herself against Ryan’s leg. Suddenly, Ryan is imagining Kristel underneath the table, unzipping his zipper)

 

KRISTEL: This has to be quick, I have an auditory hallucination of an ex-boyfriend to be at.

 

RYAN: Don’t worry, it’ll be quick.

 

KRISTEL: Yeah, you already came.

 

RYAN: What?! No!

 

(Snap back to reality. Only the cat is underneath the desk and Ryan is staring blankly forward as Celia looks at him)

 

CELIA: Ryan? (Pause) Ryan!?

 

RYAN: Oh! Sorry. (Ryan looks at Celia) What’s up?

 

CELIA: You said “what?! No!” just a second ago for no reason, and the problem you put down on your paper, was really just a crudely drawn girl smoking a cigarette.

 

(Cut to said drawing on paper)

 

RYAN: Oh. Sorry about that. I’m distracted.

 

CELIA: What’s going on?

 

RYAN: Kristel is going on.

 

CELIA: Oh God. Ryan, I knew you had drug problems, but crystal!?

 

RYAN: Jesus, no, I have a new girlfriend named Kristel!

 

CELIA: Oh, thank the Lord. Good for you! Where’d you meet her?

 

RYAN: At an Iceage show in Boston.

 

CELIA: Oh God, Ryan, I knew you had drug problems, but a meth den in Boston? Those are the worst kind!
 

RYAN: How is “Iceage” a name for a Meth Den?! I mean, I guess I kind of get it, but no! Iceage, the band.

 

CELIA: Oh thank God.

 

(Cut to Ryan and Kristel on the night of July 4th, sitting by Lake Champlain as fireworks go off in the distance)

 

RYAN: They’re the same fireworks every year. And nobody’s hands ever get ripped apart.

 

KRISTEL: Yeah, these fireworks are boring. But you know what isn’t?

 

RYAN: What?

 

KRISTEL: Straight fucking, no chaser.

 

RYAN: What would you chase fucking with?

 

KRISTEL: Usually some drug that would make me forget it.

 

RYAN: Not with me, I hope.

 

KRISTEL: Nope. Just sit back.

 

RYAN: Are you gonna blow me?

 

KRISTEL: …I’m gonna fuck you.

 

(Ryan laughs)

 

RYAN: Out here? At the biggest fireworks show in Vermont?

 

KRISTEL: Ryan, the biggest anything in Vermont is not that big. It’s Vermont.

 

RYAN: Well, I have the biggest dick in Vermont.

 

KRISTEL: Honestly, you’re probably right. Vermont winters cause permanent damage.

 

(Ryan laughs and looks around)

 

RYAN: I think we have the all-clear. (Kristel unzips Ryan’s pants and pulls them down a bit. She also pulls down her pants a bit) You’re gonna take top?

 

KRISTEL: I always take top.

 

(Ryan and Kristel start fucking. Cut to Jason and Cynthia standing lakeside at Lake Champlain, watching the fireworks. Jason looks miserable)

 

CYNTHIA: These fireworks remind me of our love. Endless.

 

(The fireworks end)

 

JASON: Oh, look at that, they’re over. Happy Birthday, America. (Ryan and Kristel approach) Oh, look! RYAN! KRISTEL!
 

(Ryan and Kristel notice Jason and Cynthia)

 

RYAN: (To himself) Shit. (Out loud) Hey, Jason and Cynthia.

 

(Ryan and Kristel go over to Jason and Cynthia. Ryan and Jason fist bump)

 

JASON: Good to see you, man.

 

RYAN: Yeah. Cynthia, this is my girlfriend Kristel.

 

CYNTHIA: Hi, I’m Cynthia.

 

(Cynthia smiles insanely wide and shakes Kristel’s hand)

 

KRISTEL: Hey.

 

(They stop shaking hands)

 

CYNTHIA: What’d you think of the show?

 

RYAN: It was whatever.

 

JASON: Agreed. Honestly, why even celebrate Independence Day anymore? It was so long ago.

 

RYAN: People find dumber excuses to have holidays. Ever heard of Grandparents’ day? If I wanted to talk to my grandparents, I would, but if I ever have grandkids and they try to talk to me? I’d tell them to move on with their lives.

 

KRISTEL: Same. But I’ll probably be dead before I have grandkids.

 

RYAN: Same.

 

JASON: For sure.

 

(Jason clears his throat, a silence ensues)
 

KRISTEL: …I need to piss before we leave, Ryan.

 

RYAN: Go in the forest. We’ll meet you back here.

 

CYNTHIA: I’ll come with you! Girl talk!!

 

(Cynthia smiles and Kristel bites her lip and walks with her towards the forest. Jason takes out a cigarette and lights it. He then exhales the smoke and puts away his lighter)

 

JASON: Sure they’re safe in the forest?

 

RYAN: Richard Matt was killed. And David Sweat was captured. And I don’t think they’re lesbian lovers. Although Cynthia seems like the type that would fall for an inmate. (Jason chuckles) Sorry.

 

JASON: No, you’re right. Well, now that they’re gone, we can do whatever we want.

 

(Jason puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder and brings Ryan close to him)

 

RYAN: Whoa, what the hell? (Ryan backs away) What are you doing?

 

JASON: Isn’t this what you wanted?

 

(Jason takes a drag and exhales a heart-shaped cigarette smoke cloud)

 

RYAN: How the hell did you do that?

 

JASON: You have to cut off part of your tongue.

 

RYAN: Jesus, look, I have a girlfriend! Kristel! She was just here! And so do you!

 

JASON: We’re miserable. Okay? I’ve realized I should’ve gone with you.

 

RYAN: Well, dude, it’s too late! Goddamn you, I was just starting to get over you and as soon as I get a girlfriend, you pull a 180? If you and Cynthia are miserable, break up with her!
 

JASON: Dude, you don’t get it, she’s insane!

 

RYAN: I could’ve told you that the minute I met her. Like, two years ago. When you were, what? Twelve?

 

JASON: Fifteen! Fuck you! Listen! If I break up with her, I fear she might break me up. Into little pieces, which she will hide in neatly organized drawers in her house!

 

RYAN: So what do you want me to do?

 

JASON: I need you to fuck me so she will break up with me for cheating on her!
 

RYAN: No, Jason! No! Because then I would be cheating on Kristel!

 

JASON: Fine, then have Kristel fuck me.

 

RYAN: A similar problem comes up, Jason.

 

JASON: Okay, okay, pretend to fuck me.

 

RYAN: Why would I do that?!

 

JASON: After how much you USED ME in the last several months- (Jason throws his cigarette on the ground) YOU OWE ME THAT!

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: …I’m gonna have to check with Kristel first.

 

JASON: Fine. Let her know it’s a ruse.

 

RYAN: How are we gonna do it?

 

(Jason sighs and begins thinking. Cut to Kristel lighting a cigarette in the forest as Cynthia pisses on a tree)

 

CYNTHIA: Are you not gonna piss, Kristel?

 

(Kristel exhales smoke and puts her lighter away)

 

KRISTEL: Something about being around you makes me too nervous to piss.

 

(Cynthia laughs)

 

CYNTHIA: Why’s that?

 

KRISTEL: …I don’t know…

 

(Cynthia finishes and pulls up her pants and walks over to Kristel)

 

CYNTHIA: I know exactly why.

 

(Kristel takes a drag)

 

KRISTEL: Why?

 

CYNTHIA: I see the way you look at Jason. Looking at his face while he’s talking and, using body language to acknowledge his words.

 

KRISTEL: …Yeah, it’s called listening. And I wasn’t even doing it that well.

 

CYNTHIA: If you so much as breathe on Jason, you are finished, sister.

 

KRISTEL: What if I blow into his vagina? And cause a pulmonary embolism?

 

(Kristel blows smoke in Cynthia’s face)

 

CYNTHIA: We should get back.

 

(Kristel rolls her eyes and the two of them start walking back towards the lake. Cut to Kristel and Cynthia walking towards Ryan and Jason)

 

KRISTEL: Can we go?

 

RYAN: Actually, Jason and I were talking, and he thought we should all go to his house.

 

KRISTEL: Oh, really?

 

CYNTHIA: Wouldn’t that be fun?

 

JASON: I think so.

 

KRISTEL: I don’t know, I’d rather not.

 

JASON: I have booze there.

 

KRISTEL: I guess I could knock a couple back.

 

JASON: I don’t have beers, I have two or three bottles of liquor.

 

KRISTEL: I know.

 

JASON: Oh, okay.

 

(Cut to Ethan sitting in his Moscow apartment with Vitenka, making out. Edward comes in with groceries and sees them, and they both stop and look at them)

 

ETHAN: Oh, hey, Edward.

 

EDWARD: You guys don’t have to stop just because I come in the room.

 

(Edward walks into the kitchen and starts unloading groceries)

 

ETHAN: I just know you’re still sore over your girlfriend leaving you, so, I don’t want to flaunt mine.

 

EDWARD: You can do whatever you want. Except eat my Chex Mix and get pubic hair on my soap!

 

VITENKA: You’re a dick roommate, Ethan.

 

ETHAN: I’ve been out of college for a long time, I forget the protocol.

 

EDWARD: You haven’t had the opportunity to be considerate for the past twenty-eight years?

 

ETHAN: Hey, I’ve only been out of college for-shit, that’s exactly how long I’ve been out of college.

 

(Edward comes out of the kitchen)

 

EDWARD: What time is it?

 

ETHAN: Uh- (Ethan checks his Apple Watch) it’s 7, why?

 

EDWARD: Okay. It’s Independence Day in America, so I should probably wish some friends a happy Fourth of July.

 

(Ethan stands up)

 

ETHAN: Holy shit, it is Independence Day!

 

EDWARD: Yeah.

 

ETHAN: We’re both American, we should celebrate!
 

EDWARD: Uh, I don’t know, sure-

 

ETHAN: What are you drinking, Ed?

 

(Ethan goes over to his mini-bar)

 

EDWARD: Oh, I don’t know-do you have any mead?

 

(Ethan looks at Edward)

 

ETHAN: …No. No, I don’t have any mead.

 

EDWARD: Rum?

 

ETHAN: Am I an ancient pirate? I don’t have mead or rum. Here. (Ethan pours a Scotch for himself and for Edward, and hands it to Edward) There you go.

 

EDWARD: Thanks.

 

(Ethan pours some Vodka and hands it to Vitenka)

 

VITENKA: What the hell does Independence Day celebrate anyway? Independence from the Metric system?

 

(Ethan and Edward sit down)

 

ETHAN: No, independence from the British.

 

VITENKA: They used to own America?

 

ETHAN: Do they not teach you that in Russian schools?

 

EDWARD: Ever been to a Russian school? I did a talk at one. The teachers look like work camp guards. And the kids act like they’re in Animal Farm.

 

ETHAN: But she grew up in post-Soviet Russia, when owners started walking their dogs again.

 

VITENKA: We still didn’t learn much except anti-American propaganda.

 

(Edward raises his glass in the air)

 

EDWARD: WHICH WAS ALL COMPLETELY TRUE!

 

(Edward winks)

 

ETHAN: If they’re watching us, Edward, I think they know what a wink means.

 

EDWARD: No, in Russia, winking is something only gay guys do. So, you’re right. I shouldn’t be doing it. Excuse me for a second.

 

(Edward leaves the room, and Ethan turns to Vitenka)

 

ETHAN: I can’t believe I’m missing the Fourth of July in America to be here.

 

VITENKA: With me? I know, what a tragedy.

 

ETHAN: Vitenka, that’s not what I mean. It’s just that, I love America. Despite all its flaws, like legal gay marriage, near-universal health insurance and diplomatic ties to Cuba, it has a lot of wonderful things about it too. Like painfully slow lethal injection deaths and very relaxed emissions standards.

 

VITENKA: It sounds lovely. But you live here. You can’t go back there, they’ll throw you in prison for the rest of your life.

 

ETHAN: Not if I get clemency.

 

VITENKA: I do not know this.

 

ETHAN: Darling, “clemency” means like, a pardon! A pardon for my crime! And if I could get a pardon, then I could move back to America! I want to start over. And I know I can! And you- (Ethan holds Vitenka’s hand close) my love, could move there with me.

 

VITENKA: Ethan. Why would they pardon you? How would that even happen?

 

ETHAN: I stole that money and gave it back to its original owner! All so I could keep it away from Mayor Sarandon and his Olympic delusions! It’s a near-victimless crime!

 

VITENKA: Do they know that?

 

ETHAN: Yes, the news has been reporting it for months! Plus, the U.S. Government rescued my son from terrorists three years ago.

 

VITENKA: ….What?!

 

ETHAN: I know, I still can’t believe it happened either. But they can’t just imprison that boy’s father!

 

VITENKA: …So how would you make that happen?

 

ETHAN: I would have to send a formal request to President Obama. He would pardon me for fleeing the country. And then I would have to send a separate request to the Governor of Vermont, Peter Shumlin. He would have to pardon me for stealing the money.

 

VITENKA: So you need two pardons?

 

ETHAN: I know it seems like a long shot, but it’s my only chance of ever being happy!

 

VITENKA: Ethan, you have me! You can make a life with me!
 

ETHAN: Of course, but, what about my kids?

 

VITENKA: Aren’t they visiting?

 

ETHAN: Awesome, I get to see my kids once a year. Or would it just be every other year and one Christmas every decade?

 

VITENKA: Ethan.

 

ETHAN: And how am I supposed to make a life in this frigid wasteland?! You know what the Russian Dream is? It’s driving one of those flower vans that the Russian Government uses to block cameras from sight of a targeted assassination.

 

VITENKA: I swear if I see a red dot on your forehead.

 

ETHAN: I’m going to make this request. Would you be willing to come with me if they both were accepted?

 

VITENKA: And abandon my modeling career?

 

ETHAN: They have modeling in the U.S! And you don’t even need to lose weight to be an American model because photo shop will do it for you!

 

VITENKA: I don’t need to lose weight!

 

ETHAN: That doesn’t matter in America. You always need to lose weight. Will you go?

 

(Vitenka sighs, smiles and starts nodding)

 

VITENKA: Yes!
 

ETHAN: Thank the Lord!

 

(Ethan and Vitenka begin making out, passionately. Cut to Kimberly in a conference room meeting with Doyle, Luke, Micah and two other people in suits)

 

KIMBERLY: Okay, so how are our chances with the Schenectady Workout Palace?

 

DOYLE: I have been courting them with some friendly D&D games and they seem amenable.

 

KIMBERLY: I shouldn’t have let you handle that account, but I’m glad it miraculously worked out anyway.

 

DOYLE: They enjoyed giving me noogies so much that they’re considering signing the deal just so they can do that again.

 

LUKE: Accounts through bullying. I like it.

 

MAN IN SUIT: But I still think we should be doing business with the 24/7 Access Racquetball nook corporation.

 

KIMBERLY: And why’s that, Ben?

 

BEN: Because, they’re on the cutting edge of the new frontier of the state of the art of the-

 

KIMBERLY: Get to it.

 

BEN: Installing racquetball courts in the homes of most Americans.

 

(Luke chuckles)

 

LUKE: That’s more viable than Schenectady? Why would people want a racquetball court in their home? It’s noisy as hell, super expensive and it’s hard to justify leaving it there unused when it’s an entire portion of your house. It’s not like a treadmill, which you can just cover up with a sheet and forget about.

 

BEN: It doesn’t matter if our customers feel bad about themselves, as long as we get that court installed in their home.

 

KIMBERLY: That doesn’t address the first two problems, Ben. Keep an eye on the account, but we should devote more of our resources towards the Schenectady account. Good work, Doyle.

 

DOYLE: Thank you ma’am.

 

(They all stand up)

 

KIMBERLY: You guys are free to leave. Enjoy your holiday.

 

MICAH: I’m Jewish, I don’t celebrate Independence Day.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh. (Kimberly nods. Everybody then leaves but Luke and Kimberly. Kimberly furrows her brow) I didn’t realize until just now that that doesn’t make any sense.

 

LUKE: What time is the party? For Independence Day?

 

KIMBERLY: Five.

 

LUKE: Okay.

 

KIMBERLY: You still want to have it, right?

 

LUKE: Of course, as long as it can double as a Bachelor Party.

 

KIMBERLY: …It can double as a “God Save The Queen” party, but not that.

 

LUKE: Okay, ugh, it’s just that I already ordered the cakes with strippers in them. So? I guess if they improvised they could dress up as the Queen of England. Maybe we could just stick old lady strippers in there?

 

(Kimberly laughs)

 

KIMBERLY: Go get your stuff, we should go rest up.

 

LUKE: Alright then. (Luke leaves the room. Cut to Luke going into his office. He packs up his laptop in a laptop case when a call comes in on his work phone. He picks it up) Altmire Racquetball, this is Luke.

 

(Cut to a man on his couch at his home, talking to Luke on the phone)

 

MAN: Hi, this is Russell Gabbard from the Burlington School District’s athletic department.

 

LUKE: Oh, Russell, good to hear from you. How can I help you?

 

RUSSELL: Well, I was going over our budgets for 2015 and I noticed that you were eating up a healthy portion of our funding.

 

LUKE: Well, I tend to think it’s going towards a good cause. Getting kids in shape at and all.

 

RUSSELL: Well, we’re trying to get our budgets in shape. And I’m afraid the black-eye lawsuits and that sniveling shit Doyle Spann, who lets himself get bullied by the kids at our elementary school, are all not worth the benefit of having racquetball at Burlington ISD.

 

(Luke sits down, clearly panicking)

 

LUKE: Whoa. Russell, let’s talk about this.

 

RUSSELL: Our teachers eat it up, they bet on it.

 

LUKE: They bet on the bullying?

 

RUSSELL: They bet on what the bullies can make Doyle do.

 

LUKE: Russell, we will take Doyle off this account immediately if that’s what you want.

 

RUSSELL: No, Lucas. I want off this account immediately.

 

LUKE: Russell, you’re being hasty.

 

RUSSELL: We’ll turn away your next shipment. It was a pleasure doing business.

 

LUKE: Russell, don’t- (Russell hangs up) GODDAMNIT!

 

(Luke throws his phone against the wall. Kimberly rushes in)

 

KIMBERLY: What is it?!

 

(Luke breathes)

 

LUKE: Sorry. I just saw that, that, Greece defaulted.

 

KIMBERLY: You just heard about that? That happened like four days ago.

 

LUKE: I get all my news via telegram. It’s better than CNN iPhone alerts telling me every time someone wins a horse race.

 

KIMBERLY: Did you have money in Greek holdings or something?

 

LUKE: No, but, I just…I thought those little Greek bastards could make it. (Luke tears up) I really thought they could.

 

KIMBERLY: …What the hell’s going on? Why do you care if they exit from the Euro?

 

LUKE: We should go.

 

(Luke grabs his laptop case)

 

KIMBERLY: Are you sure you’re okay?

 

LUKE: Yeah, I’m great. I just want to go home and get some sleep.

 

KIMBERLY: It’s five.

 

LUKE: I didn’t get much sleep last night.

 

KIMBERLY: Okay, let’s go.

 

(Kimberly walks out of the room)

 

LUKE: And I probably won’t get much sleep tonight either. (Luke walks out the door. Cut to Kimberly and Luke in bed. Kimberly is asleep while Luke is wide awake, staring at the ceiling. Luke gets up out of bed and picks his cell phone off the dresser. Cut to Luke walking towards the front door in his pajamas while on the phone) Come on, pick up. (Luke opens the front door to see Jacob smoking weed in the front yard) Goddamnit. (Luke goes back inside and walks to the back door and goes into the backyard) Micah?

 

(Cut to Micah sitting up in bed on his cell phone)

 

MICAH: Luke? What the hell time is it?

 

LUKE: (On the phone) It’s 1:30, but it’s important. (Cut to Luke walking out of the sun room of the backyard into the outside area) I got a call- (Luke turns to see Ryan fingering Kristel in the backyard. They both gasp and look at him like deers in the headlights) SHIT! CAN I NOT GET PRIVACY ANYWHERE?!

 

RYAN: CAN WE?!

 

(Luke turns around and walks into the side yard)

 

MICAH: (On the phone) What the hell was that!?

 

LUKE: Nothing, just listen! I got a call earlier today from Burlington ISD, they are firing us!
 

MICAH: No, no, no, that can’t be.

 

LUKE: It be! Dawg!

 

MICAH: Racist.

 

LUKE: Sorry! Just listen! They’re cutting back, and we were the first off the list.

 

MICAH: They are our biggest client! Without them, we are seriously wounded.

 

LUKE: You’re financial chief! What do we have to do to survive?

 

MICAH: Organ donation can be compelled at any time in all of our employee’s contracts, so that’s one option.

 

LUKE: I didn’t know that!

 

MICAH: Being a lawyer you figure out that nobody reads contracts, so you can put whatever you want in there. I put that one in there as a joke, but it might be necessary in this case.

 

LUKE: NO! Can’t we just desperately poach for new business?

 

MICAH: Of course, but how much time is that going to buy us? We need to start laying people off and preparing for the worst.

 

LUKE: What’s the worst?

 

MICAH: Turn to Chapter 11 and you’ll find out.

 

LUKE: Shit.

 

(Luke hangs up and turns around to see a bowl of melted ice cream sitting atop the heating unit. He picks it up and furrows his brow. Renee comes out from behind the heater)

 

RENEE: I like the way the heater melts the ice cream so I can drink it.

 

LUKE: Is that why the heater’s been on all summer?

 

(Luke drops the bowl on the heater)

 

RENEE: Is your company dying?

 

LUKE: Don’t mention it to Kimberly. She’s, she’s stressed out about it enough and she’ll just snap at you. (Renee nods) And would you guys stop committing all your vices out here in the dead of night?!

 

(Luke walks away. Cut to Ryan, Kristel, Jason and Cynthia walking into Jason’s house)

 

JASON: Here it is, here’s my place. Shut the door, Kristel.

 

(Kristel furrows her brow and looks at Ryan. Ryan nods and looks at the door. Kristel rolls her eyes and shuts the door)

 

RYAN: Why did that become a point of contention?

 

(Jason turns to them as he puts his arm around Cynthia)

 

JASON: So, who wants booze? My dad has a lot.

 

RYAN: He won’t notice?

 

JASON: No, he’s one of those alcoholics that just assumes he drank all of it.

 

RYAN: Oh. I’ll take disaronno if you have it.

 

KRISTEL: Straight vodka for me. I better not see any chasers.

 

RYAN: Will you not even chase it with disaronno?

 

(Jason starts pouring drinks)

 

CYNTHIA: Where are your parents, Jason?

 

JASON: At some Independence Day party, I guess. Him and his fake-ass co-workers discussing 9-5 rat race bullshit.

 

(Jason hands Ryan and Kristel their drinks)

 

RYAN: What does he do?

 

JASON: Besides ruin my life? No idea. I think it involves a Children’s Hospital though. Let’s go upstairs. I’ll bring the booze up there, for Cynthia and I.

 

(They all head upstairs. Cut to Jason lead them into his room)

 

JASON: So this is- (They see a cockroach on his bed) AHHH!!

 

(Jason backs up and holds Cynthia)

 

RYAN: FUCK! SOMEONE KILL IT!!

 

KRISTEL: Oh, come on!

 

(The cockroach starts flying and everyone except Kristel screams. They all leave the room and close the door)

 

JASON: I guess we’ll just leave that room alone! Because I’m pretty sure that thing had a bullet belt around it.
 

KRISTEL: Can’t believe you guys. I’m going in.

 

RYAN: Kristel, no!
 

(Kristel grabs Ryan and pulls him close)

 

KRISTEL: I can handle it, pussy. (Kristel goes into Jason’s room. Cynthia smiles as Kristel can be heard repeatedly trying to step on the cockroach) GET OVER HERE, BASTARD!
 

(She can be heard stepping on it more)

 

RYAN: Are they having a knife fight in there?

 

(Kristel comes out holding the dead cockroach by its leg)

 

KRISTEL: Got him!
 

RYAN, JASON, CYNTHIA: AUGGGH!!

 

KRISTEL: What? He’s dead.

 

RYAN: Kristel, he could be playing dead!
 

KRISTEL: He’s not a possum, Ryan!

 

RYAN: They’re super smart!

 

KRISTEL: Yeah, they’re brilliant, where’s a trash can?

 

JASON: Bathroom at the end of the hall.

 

RYAN: I’m telling you! You have to do a confirm kill or he could come back! Have you seen any movie, ever?

 

(Kristel rolls her eyes and starts walking down the hall, and Ryan goes after her. Kristel is shown throwing the cockroach away, and Ryan closes the bathroom door as Kristel faces him)

 

KRISTEL: What are you doing? This situation can’t be turning you on.

 

RYAN: It’s not, but I have an agreement with Jason I need to run by you.

 

KRISTEL: An agreement?

 

(Cut to Jason and Cynthia in the upstairs game room sitting on the couch talking. They each have alcoholic drinks in their hands)

 

CYNTHIA: You know, Jason, Kristel seems like the kind of dominatrix I would want if we ever had a menage a trois.

 

JASON: A what?

 

CYNTHIA: A menage a trois.

 

JASON: This is Independence Day, speak English.

 

CYNTHIA: Menage a trois, it’s like a French marriage. But in American English, it means threesome.

 

JASON: Oh….really?

 

CYNTHIA: Yes! I’ve been telling you I’ve wanted a strong figure in our sexual escapades instead of your weak, unassertive library sex.

 

JASON: Because I whisper?

 

CYNTHIA: Yes. Because you whisper. It’s weird, why do you do that?

 

JASON: I don’t want to bother you.

 

CYNTHIA:

 

JASON: So what are we gonna do? Have a threesome while Ryan sits in the corner, building up his revenge porn inventory?

 

CYNTHIA: Fine, it can be a foursome. Can we just suggest it? It’s been my dream.

 

(Jason smirks)

 

JASON: Your dreams are my dreams.

 

CYNTHIA: I knew you’d come around.

 

JASON: (Muttering) And your nightmares are also my dreams.

 

CYNTHIA: That’s sexy.

 

JASON: You heard that?

 

CYNTHIA: Just because you muttered doesn’t mean I can’t hear you.

 

(Ryan and Kristel comes in)

 

KRISTEL: Where’d we put those drinks? Because I’m going to need a lot more of those.

 

CYNTHIA: Sit down, guys.

 

(Ryan and Kristel sit down)

 

JASON: So listen, Cynthia had this crazy idea, and you can totally say no if you want.

 

(Kristel takes out her pack of cigarettes)

 

KRISTEL: Mind if I smoke in here?

 

JASON: Uh, yeah. That will permeate throughout the house and my parents will definitely notice when they get back.

 

(Kristel sighs and puts her pack away and Ryan puts his hand on her shoulder)

 

CYNTHIA: I had the idea that we could have a foursome together.

 

(Ryan and Kristel’s eyes widen)

 

RYAN: What?

 

KRISTEL: So the cockroach situation did turn someone on, listen, I’m flattered, but that would require Ryan and Jason to be bisexual, wouldn’t it? Plus, Jason told me to close the door and I DIDN’T LIKE THAT!

 

RYAN: Relax.

 

JASON: Listen, I hate to break it to you, Kristel, but- (Ryan gives Jason a death stare) Ryan and I are bisexual. In fact, we’ve slept together on multiple occasions.

 

CYNTHIA: What?!

 

KRISTEL: Wait, really?

 

RYAN: Thanks, Jason, I didn’t realize this was truth or dare. Why don’t you go and reveal your own secret instead of everybody else’s?

 

JASON: Sure, I will. I slept with Ryan while we were dating, Cynthia.

 

CYNTHIA: EXCUSE ME?!

 

RYAN: That’s also MY secret!

 

CYNTHIA: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!

 

JASON: It’s not funny yet, but I’m sure when we look back on it-

 

CYNTHIA: NO! NO! NO! (Cynthia goes over to a nearby window) I WILL THROW MYSELF OUT THIS WINDOW!!

 

(Jason, Ryan and Kristel all stand up)

 

JASON: Nope, Nevermind, it’ll take me a while to get over this, DON’T JUMP, CYNTHIA!
 

KRISTEL: I mean, not to be morbid, but that would solve the problem.

 

RYAN: Shut up! Listen, Cynthia, don’t do this! You have so much to live for! Just not, Jason! Trust me, he’s not on many people’s lists!

 

JASON: Yeah, ONLY RYAN’S!

 

RYAN: THIS IS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE!

 

CYNTHIA: I’M GONNA DO IT!

 

(Cynthia backs up from the window)

 

JASON: AHHH! CYNTHIA, I WANT TO BREAK UP!

 

(Ryan and Kristel stare at Jason)

 

RYAN: NO!
 

(Cynthia turns to look at Jason)

 

CYNTHIA: …Really!?

 

JASON: Uh-huh.

 

(Cynthia smiles)

 

CYNTHIA: Oh, thank God. All this stringing along was scratching away at my sanity.

 

KRISTEL: Really? You seemed so composed.

 

JASON: You wanted to break up with me?

 

CYNTHIA: Yeah, I was trying to be a psycho bitch so you would break up with me and I wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of breaking up with you. But you just took it. Like a bitch.

 

JASON: …You’re a bitch too, Cynthia.

 

(Cynthia and Jason hug)

 

KRISTEL: Think that’ll be us someday?

 

RYAN: You’re bad at romance.

 

(Kristel looks at Ryan)

 

KRISTEL: There’s no such thing.

 

(Cut to President Obama at his desk, filling out papers. His secretary Ferial Govashiri comes in)

 

FERIAL: Mr. President?

 

(President Obama looks up)

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, Ferial?

 

FERIAL: Attorney General Lynch is here to see you.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Send her in. But first, can you see if I can get a goddamn computer in here? It’s Monday, all my YouTube subscriptions are probably updating.

 

FERIAL: You know we block YouTube, Mr. President.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: What is this, High School? Do I have to have a court jester come in here and reenact viral videos for me for Christ’s sakes? Get Loretta in here.

 

(Ferial nods and walks out of the Oval Office. Attorney General Loretta Lynch comes in and walks over to the President’s desk to shake his hand)

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Good to see you, Mr. President.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: You look well. Have a seat.

 

(Loretta sits down on the Oval Office Couch and the President sits across from her)

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Country treating you well?

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, I have the highest approval ratings in years because of my great singing voice. I think I’ll sing more often from now on.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: I don’t think you should wear out that welcome.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Ugh…now you’ve got me in a bad mood. How can I help you?

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Well, Mr. President, it has come to my attention that you received a pardon request from Ethan Donahue.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh yeah. I didn’t even look at it. The guy stole a million bucks and fled the country.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: It’s a little more complicated than that, sir. He didn’t even keep the money for himself. He gave the money back to its original owner, the guy who saved Hansbay from insolvency forty years ago.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yeah, but that doesn’t change the fact that he obtained the money under false pretenses. What’s the precedent I’m setting there?

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: He was trying to get the money away from Mayor Sarandon, because he knew it was going to be used to fund his 2028 Olympic delusions.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: …is that right?

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Yes. He detailed in the request that it would be a waste of taxpayer money.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well…you can hardly blame him for that. Mayor Sarandon is a laughing stock. I met him at a charity dinner once when I was a Senator, and he asked me to be his designated driver. And I had hold his hair back while he vomited into the lap of a hooker passed out on the toilet.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Jesus, why did you agree to do that?

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Doing favors in politics is always a good idea. It means they owe you. Do we owe this to Ethan? Because it seems like he owes us.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: But he wasn’t profiting from it and he had Hansbay’s best interests in mind.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: How is FOX going to react? They’re gonna say I’m soft on crime!

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Why do you give a shit what they think?

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I just don’t see how they’re immune to my charms, I should go on Hannity and sing!

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Mr. President-

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: FERIAL! BOOK ME ON HANNITY FOR THIS THURSDAY!

 

FERIAL (Off screen) YES SIR!
 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Bad idea.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Are you sure pardoning Donahue is a good idea?

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: I don’t know if you remember, Mr. President, but we rescued Mr. Donahue’s son from terrorists three years ago. How’s it going to look if we put his father in prison?

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: …I guess not good.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: And, Mr. Donahue’s a Republican, so there’ll be no appearance of favoritism to worry about.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: But I would only be pardoning him for the crime of fleeing justice. I can’t pardon him for stealing a million dollars.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: No, that would be up to Governor Shumlin.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: …Well, I’ll meet you halfway. Call Mr. Donahue, tell him we’re considering his request and will make our decisions in a few weeks.

 

ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: Very well, Mr. President.

 

(Loretta and the President get up, shake hands and Loretta leaves. President Obama sits down at his desk and Ferial comes in)

 

FERIAL: The people at Hannity say they’re having a zookeeper on the show that night and they can’t bump him.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

 

(Cut to Ethan on his phone at Techno Hut)

 

ETHAN: Oh, I’m so glad to hear that, Madame Attorney General. That is stupendous news. Let me know as soon as you make a decision. (Ethan hangs up and turns to an old Russian woman) What are you drinking, ma’am? I just got some great news.

 

(The Russian woman points to a computer)

 

OLD WOMAN: (Russian accent) Does this computer have the internet?

 

ETHAN: THAT’S NOT HOW THE INTERNET WORKS!! (Ethan turns around to see Bradley) I quit, Bradley!

 

(Ethan gives him his badge)

 

BRADLEY: What?

 

ETHAN: It’s been a pleasure. (Ethan walks away. Cut to Ethan walking in the parking lot outside of Techno Hut, he stops in his tracks for a second) Oh, God, I hope that wasn’t too premature.

 

(Cut to Governor Shumlin speaking with his advisor in his office while leaning against his desk)

 

GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Honestly, anybody who tries to fuck over Mayor Sarandon is a friend of mine. He wasn’t trying to enrich himself, why don’t we let him come back?

 

ADVISOR: Sir, he’s a Republican who’s stood trial before. How’s it going to look?

 

GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Who cares? I’m not running for re-election anyway. And it’s not like they’re going to elect his ass once he gets back here. He’d be lucky to get a job kicking homeless people off of tug boats. He might become one of those homeless people, actually.

 

ADVISOR: Well, the President hasn’t decided on whether to pardon him or not yet, so we should wait until he has before we make our decision.

 

GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Fine.

 

ADVISOR: Should we have his family come to the Governor’s mansion for the announcement?

 

GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: We’re not going to have a ticker-tape parade, Reynold. We’ll issue a press release.

 

REYNOLD: Okay. Times New Roman or Calibri?

 

GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Holy shit, figure it out!

 

(Reynold nods and leaves. Cut to Evan Alexander and General DePinto talking beside a table full of soda refreshments at Kimberly’s house party for the Fourth of July. There are other people at the party, talking and making merry)

 

GENERAL DEPINTO: Hillary Clinton’s people were holding back reporters from her with a literal rope! She was corralling them like farm animals! How can we have a President like that?

 

EVAN: Come on, Teddy Roosevelt tranquilized any reporter who came too close to him. I mean, that was his last resort after making himself look big didn’t work, but still. It’s not a big deal.

 

GENERAL DEPINTO: So what, you support Clinton?

 

EVAN: I’m voting for Sanders. He’s a hometown boy. Loves guns, like you and I.

 

GENERAL DEPINTO: Yeah, he loves guns like Stalin loved guns.

 

(Kimberly comes over)

 

KIMBERLY: Hey! Evan, Noah, nice to see you two. Happy Fourth.

 

EVAN: Great party, Kim.

 

KIMBERLY: Do you guys need refreshments?

 

EVAN: Uh, I guess I’ll take one of these sodas.

 

(Evan takes a Coca-Cola from the refreshments table)

 

KIMBERLY: Hmm, high fructose corn syrup is bad for you.

 

EVAN: Then, why did you provide sodas?

 

KIMBERLY: To make you think.

 

(Kimberly nods her head as Noah and Evan look annoyed and confused)

 

NOAH: Where’s Jacob?

 

KIMBERLY: He’s upstairs.

 

NOAH: Good to see you, Kimberly.

 

(Noah walks away as Luke comes into the house from the backyard holding a plate full of burnt burgers)

 

LUKE: I have some bad news, partygoers.

 

(Cut to Micah near the fireplace holding a daiquiri)

 

MICAH: Kimberly’s pregnant!! WOOO!!

 

LUKE: NO! That’s not it. I burnt the burgers. (Everyone goes “aww” in disappointment) Sorry, I must’ve been…distracted.

 

EVAN: What are we gonna eat?

 

LUKE: Well, there’s still sodas.

 

EVAN: But we’re not allowed to drink those!

 

LUKE: Uh, wha? How could that be?

 

KIMBERLY: it’s fine! I apologize, partygoers! (Kimberly walks over and stands next to Luke) We will make a new batch of burgers for you, just hang tight.

 

(Luke and Kimberly go outside, where it is just them)

 

LUKE: Sorry.

 

KIMBERLY: What’s got you so distracted, honey? You’ve been acting strange all day.

 

LUKE: I, I need to tell you something.

 

KIMBERLY: What is it?

 

(Luke puts down the burgers and sits down on a deck chair, which Kimberly also does)

 

LUKE: I got a call yesterday from Burlington ISD. They’re dropping our asses.

 

KIMBERLY: …Shit.

 

LUKE: Yeah.

 

KIMBERLY: Why didn’t you tell me then?!

 

LUKE: Because I didn’t want to ruin the party. Or your upcoming birthday. Or, our fucking wedding!

 

KIMBERLY: So what was your plan?! Keep it from me until after we spent a bunch of money we don’t have on a wedding we can’t afford?!

 

LUKE: I don’t know, I don’t know, I thought I could make it through the weekend without letting it distract me, but obviously I couldn’t. There are options, though.

 

KIMBERLY: Like what?

 

LUKE: Poaching as many new clients as possible until we get on even financial footing. And of course, there’s also bankruptcy protection.

 

KIMBERLY: No, we’re not at that point yet. What we need to do is aggressively sop up accounts. We need to go after Ben’s lead and Doyle’s lead.

 

LUKE: Okay. And we’ll both try to piece together as many leads as we can individually.

 

KIMBERLY: Of course. We can make it through this, babe.

 

LUKE: I’m confident in that.

 

(They kiss. Noah comes out holding a whiskey)

 

NOAH: Are those burgers ready yet?

 

LUKE: No, we haven’t put them on the grill yet, Noah.

 

NOAH: Oh, okay. Congrats on the baby, by the way.

 

(Luke and Kimberly furrow their brow and look at one another)

 

LUKE: …Thanks?

 

(Cut to Ryan, Kristel and Jason outside Jason’s house as Cynthia’s car backs up. Jason is waving)

 

JASON: Goodbye!

 

(Cynthia drives away and Jason puts his hand down)

 

RYAN: Well, that was insane.

 

(Kristel takes out a cigarette and puts it in her mouth. Jason lights it with his lighter)

 

JASON: At least I got out of the relationship. That was the goal, right?

 

(Jason puts his lighter away and Kristel exhales smoke)

 

KRISTEL: Was that the only goal?

 

RYAN: Yeah, what about the threesome shit?

 

JASON: I-uh, was trying to scare her away.

 

KRISTEL: I bet that bitch has an underground sex dungeon and you think she’ll be scared away with Seinfeldian tactics?

 

JASON: How about this? I’ll let you two figure out what that “threesome shit” was about. Good night.

 

(Jason takes a drag on his cigarette, hands it to Ryan and goes inside. Ryan puts it out on the ground)

 

KRISTEL: Why didn’t you tell me you were bisexual?

 

RYAN: I was going to tell you, eventually. Why is it a big deal?

 

KRISTEL: It’s not, I just don’t like being lied to. And I don’t like Jason.

 

RYAN: Jason is very important to me, Kristel.

 

KRISTEL: He’s seventeen years old! And you fucked him?!

 

RYAN: How about this, Kristel? When we run into someone I’ve fucked out in public, I’ll cough.

 

KRISTEL: What if you actually need to cough?

 

RYAN: If it was a real cough, I’ll cough again, and that’ll mean it was a real cough.

 

KRISTEL: Well, that solves that problem. No complications there.

 

(Kristel takes a drag on her cigarette)

 

RYAN: I know he’s young, and immature, and we don’t need to hang out with him if you don’t want to.

 

KRISTEL: I don’t want to hang out with any of your friends. I was having a great time before they came along.

 

RYAN: Then we won’t.

 

KRISTEL: Good. Because Jason is a beanie away from being on some thirteen year old girl’s bedroom poster and it makes me kind of sick.

 

(Ryan laughs)

 

RYAN: Yeah, I know. I have terrible taste in men.

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END

 

 

 

 

 


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