The Donahues Episode 221

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Kimberly and Luke desperately try to attract clients to avoid bankruptcy, and this struggle reveals foundational problems in Kimberly and Luke’s relationship. Jason and the rest of Towncenter feud with Brennan, while Ryan is called in to manage a dispute between Broken Bone and Ellipsis, which Kristel helps mediate

Submitted: July 15, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 15, 2015









“Buildings collapse. Hitting the ground in waves. Washes the streets”

  • Elias Bender Ronnenfelt


(We start with Norman Sanford reading a newspaper in an apartment. The newspaper’s headline reads “Bill Cosby admitted Plans To Drug Women in 2005 Deposition” with the sub-headline reading “it’s true, men said it this time”. Brennan walks by with a back pack)


BRENNAN: I’m going to Seani’s for the Battle Of The Bands, see ya.


(Norman puts the newspaper down)


NORMAN: Hey, get over here!


(Brennan stops in his tracks, turns around and stands before Norman)




NORMAN: Why do you think we moved into this apartment?


BRENNAN: Because you’re strapped for cash after Reliable Vending fired you.


NORMAN: Okay, yes, but-


BRENNAN: Because you blew the budget on an expensive trip to Aspen and a series of ridiculous calendars featuring a picture of you fully clothed in sports gear for every month of the year.


NORMAN: Okay, I know why I got fired, Brennan! Just listen. We also moved into this apartment because I didn’t want you hiding in your room, in the corner of the house anymore. Now anytime you leave, I can see you. So I don’t want you breezing past me anymore.


(Brennan looks down)


BRENNAN: …I don’t have anything to say to you. You don’t believe in what I’m doing with my life because you don’t believe in me.


NORMAN: Look at me. (Brennan looks at Norman) I’m your father. Any you may not want to, listen to this, but by not going to college, you might not even have an apartment when you’re my age. You might be living in a shoe.


BRENNAN: So I’ll be homeless in a children’s fantasy book?


NORMAN: Damnit, Brennan, you’re a millennial. You may get job interviews, and you may get a trophy just for showing up to one of them, but you probably won’t get the job. Get your priorities straight. Stop chasing fairytales. Now, go skip along to your band practice. And remember, you have to visit Grandma in the woods this weekend.


BRENNAN: Why does she live there?


NORMAN: She got lost. She’s old.


(Brennan rolls his eyes and starts walking towards the door)


NORMAN: And pick up porridge on your way home!


(Brennan leaves, and slams the door on his way out. Cut to Brennan, Jason, Rick, Louise and Ernie on stage at Seani’s. Ryan, Kristel, Michael, Sarah and Michelle, as well as a few other people, are in the crowd, but for the most part the crowd is sparse)


BRENNAN: Thanks everyone for coming out. We’re Towncenter from Hansbay, Vermont. And this next song is called “Does This Dress Cover My Gat?” (The band starts playing) I can tell whyyyy, you left me stranded heeere, I didn’t treat you right, but now I weep from the pier of my broken heart…let’s make a new start…TOGETHEERRRRRRR!! WE CAN BRAVE THE STORMY TEMPEST-(stops singing as crowd on the other side of the bar gets noisy, chanting) you know what?! Not on my time! Not on my time! Not while I’m up here! Kill the music! (The band stops playing) We could save that shit for the streets! 2015, pop punks tired of playin’ victim, dawg! How about everyone over there in that corner of the bar come over HERE and support local music for a change?!


(Cut to Ryan and Kristel standing there, feeling uncomfortable)


RYAN: Damn.


BRENNAN: Alright. Let’s go from the top.


JASON: Sorry about that, guys, Brennan gets emotional sometimes. Honestly, Brennan, I think the acoustics don’t translate very well to that side of the bar. I was over there and all I heard was crickets. Like, crickets were drowning out the music, it was weird.


(The audience chuckles and Brennan rolls his eyes)


BRENNAN: Here we go, one more time.


(Cut to Brennan, Jason, Ryan, Kristel, Michael, Sarah and Michelle sitting at a long table right next to a huge window that displays the room to people on the street. The room is pretty narrow, only having a bar, the long table and a couple booths)


RYAN: Do you think you guys won?


BRENNAN: Probably not.


RYAN: When are they announcing?


BRENNAN: I don’t know, soon?


INTERCOM: And now, Seani’s customers, the moment we’ve all been waiting for.


JASON: Hey, we should go out here.


BRENNAN: We can here it from here, can’t we?


(Jason shrugs)


INTERCOM: The winner of the 2015 Seani’s Battle Of The Bands is…Neutral Bible!




RYAN: Seriously?! That vague-as-hell Christian Rock band got first place? Their band made me think I was in a dentist’s office!


JASON: They’re friends with the owners of Seani’s. It was a foregone conclusion.


BRENNAN: Christ, (Brennan throws the fork down on his pancakes) this whole industry’s rigged.


ERNIE: Well maybe if you hadn’t called half the crowd “assholes” tonight we would’ve had a better chance.


BRENNAN: They weren’t even trying to listen to us! They’re all just waiting for their shitty friend’s shitty band to come on.


MICHAEL: We’re all here for some shitty friend.


JASON: I need to go smoke.


(Jason stands up)


BRENNAN: Go ahead. That’s your solution to everything anyway.


(Jason goes outside. Kristel stands up)


RYAN: Kristel.


KRISTEL: Don’t be a pussy, I’ll be back in a second.


(Kristel goes outside as well)


MICHELLE: She’s charming.


RYAN: I shouldn’t have brought her to this.


BRENNAN: I hate this place. This room is so cramped, it’s like, one of those futuristic restaurants where we have over-population problems and we have to live in cubes.


MICHAEL: Well, here’s something that’ll cheer you up, you know that waitress with the big tits?


BRENNAN: Uh-huh.


MICHAEL: Tell her to touch her elbows, and it’ll force her to squeeze her tits together.


BRENNAN: Okay, I like it. Let me try.


SARAH: Disgusting, Michael.


MICHAEL: Let him have this, SJW feminazi.


BRENNAN: Excuse me, Rory?


(Rory, a busty waitress, comes over)


RORY: Yes?


BRENNAN: Can you touch your elbows for us?


RORY: Sure!


(Rory turns around and painstakingly touches her elbows behind her back in an almost exorcist-esque contortion act)




RYAN: Michael, what have you done?!


(Cut to Jason, Ernie, Louise and Rick sitting in Jason’s garage on bean bags)


RICK: I’m going to visit my family in El Paso later this month. It’s like, less than a mile from the border.


JASON: Be sure to tackle some illegals then. A man with a comb-over tells me they’re all rapists.


RICK: I’m gonna run them over with a truck so I don’t get raped. Want to make The Donald proud.


(Brennan comes in)


BRENNAN: Oh hey, everyone’s here early, for once. Let’s get practicing, I guess.


ERNIE: Brennan, I think you should sit down.


BRENNAN: Why? Did Oliver Sykes die?


ERNIE: No, but we have a dedicated man refreshing Bring Me The Horizon’s Facebook page every hour to make sure he hasn’t. We have some other shit we need to talk about.


(Brennan sighs)




(Brennan sits down on a nearby office chair)


ERNIE: We all kind of decided that it would be best for Towncenter if you were no longer in it.


(Brennan furrows his brow)




RICK: We decided that you’re not the best singer in the world, Jason is a better singer than you and yet he’s a back-up.


(Jason lights up a cigarette)


BRENNAN: Yeah, well, clearly, that’ll last.


RICK: He was in choir.


BRENNAN: Look at him right now!


ERNIE: Well, Jason never tries to insult our audience. And also, Jason can write and play music, you can only write lyrics, and trust me, we’ve got “hearts” and “feels” and “hold me” all figured out.


(Brennan shakes his head)


BRENNAN: Did you guys forget that I STARTED this band?!


LOUISE: No, Brennan, we didn’t. But we think Towncenter can go beyond servicing your ego.


(Brennan looks at Jason)


BRENNAN: So you have NO problem with this, Jason? (Jason exhales smoke and shrugs. He then looks down) Oh, okay. Real brave stand you took today, Jason. (Brennan stands up) See you in court, bitches.


ERNIE: That won’t be an issue.


BRENNAN: How so? (Ernie holds up a sign that reads “Town Center”) Shit.


(Cut to Kurt Ballou at a sound board at his recording studio. Jason, Ernie, Louise and Rick are in the studio, behind the glass. Ryan walks over and sits next to Kurt)


RYAN: How are my favorite Broken Bone signees doing?


JASON: Awesomely. Can we get on with this?


RYAN: What’s the hurry? Pop Spiders’ appointment for this studio isn’t for another hour, and he’s on lean right now, so his slo-mo ass won’t be here for another three.


JASON: I’m just excited to record.


RYAN: Sure let’s do it. Where’s Brennan?


KURT: Oh, uh, Ryan, Brennan decided to move on.


RYAN: …What?


JASON: Yeah, he’s not with us anymore. He decided it was best for the band to go his separate way.


RYAN: Well, that’s retarded. I also find it hard to believe, why would he leave the band?


JASON: …Maybe he didn’t make the decision.


RYAN: …You guys kicked him out? Of his own band?


JASON: Can you blame us?


RYAN: Yes, I actually fucking can! Brennan is the face of Towncenter!


JASON: But I can actually sing! And I have a pretty handsome face too, but I have the kind of face that lets you know, “oh, this guy’s emo, but you know underneath all of that there’s a nerd with a hydro habit in there”.


RYAN: I guess you don’t care that he’s my friend of thirteen years?


JASON: Ryan, it’s not personal! It just wasn’t working out!


RYAN; Fine, then I guess your relationship with your label isn’t working out.


JASON: Seriously!?


KURT: Ryan, come on, is that really necessary? Shouldn’t the client decide what line-up is best for them?


RYAN: I think listeners at home might be confused that, suddenly, in the middle of the record, Brennan is no longer singing, instead, it’s Judas over here.


JASON: Yeah, Ryan, Brennan is Jesus.


KURT: We’re re-recording the songs that Brennan has already sung on. It’ll be easier to mix this time, because I won’t have to obscure Brennan’s vocals.


(Ryan sighs with disgust)


RYAN: Whatever you guys want, I guess. I’m only funding this entire operation, after all.


(Ryan walks out of the room. Then, Pop Spiders walks into the room in literal slow motion, but everything else around him is moving at a normal speed)


POP SPIDERS: (Slowed and pitched down speech) IIiiiiii’mmmmmmmm heeeeeee-


KURT: Oh yeah, Pop Spiders’ session was supposed to be yesterday.


(Cut to Luke and Kimberly at a fancy sea food place, eating with an olive-colored man in a suit. Luke and Kimberly have fish, but the olive-colored man has a tub of “all-you-can-eat” shrimp)


MAN: I have to say, I’m very impressed with your business.


KIMBERLY: Thank you, Mr. Hawk.


MR. HAWK: Please, call me Matt.


LUKE: Were you raised by the sea, Matt?


MATT: No, I just love shrimp. Always have. (He eats another shrimp) Where were you raised?


LUKE: Deep South.


MATT: I would not have guessed that.


(Luke chuckles)


LUKE: No, trust me, I wasn’t weeping mint julep tears when that confederate flag in South Carolina came down. I’m from Deep South London. Wandsworth.


MATT: That’s a real place?


KIMBERLY: I know. It sounds like he commuted to school by magical flying car.


LUKE: That’s just because I was constantly high in Secondary School.


(They all laugh)


KIMBERLY: Anyway, Mr. Hawk, I think our business has a lot to offer you-


MATT: Do they have shrimp at all in the UK, Lucas?


LUKE: They do have a lot of shrimp and seafood in general in London.


MATT: I swear, there must be shrimp in Heaven. There has to be.


(Luke and Kimberly chuckle)


LUKE: Maybe when you die, you just swim through a sea of 72 shrimp virgins. (Luke laughs, but quickly stops once he realizes Matt looks offended. Kimberly looks at Luke in disbelief) Oh, I’m-


MATT: I’ll have you know that I am a Muslim and I take umbrage with that!

LUKE: I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that-


KIMBERLY: Matt, my fiancée regrets what he said, he doesn’t think when he speaks sometimes, he didn’t mean anything by it.


LUKE: Please accept my apologies.


MATT: I know better than to work with bigots like you. (Matt stands up, as does Luke and Kimberly) I knew Europe had its Islamophobia problems, but my God!


LUKE: No, I’m not an Islamophobe, I’m just an imbecile, you have to-


MATT: You Europeans act like you’re different than those racists burning down black churches, but you might as well have been shedding a rebel tear as that Confederate Flag came down. Good day. (Matt turns around) COULD I GET A TUB TO GO?!


(A waiter comes over)


WAITER: Yes sir.


(The waiter walks away as Matt turns back to Kimberly and Luke)


KIMBERLY: Can you please give us a second chance?


MATT: Absolutely not. Now sit down.


LUKE: But-


(Kimberly puts her hand on Luke’s shoulder and shakes her head “no”. Luke sees this and the two sit down as Matt stands there, awkwardly)


MATT: This should only take a minute.


(Kimberly rubs her temples. Cut to Kimberly driving the car at night, with Luke in the passenger seat. They both look pissed off and uninterested in talking. NPR is on)


NPR: Greek parliament has approved a 59 billion dollar bailout measure that Prime Minister Tsipras had originally opposed, and with that, parliament also approved a new set of severe austerity measures. These plans are an attempt to prevent a potentially disastrous exit from the Eurozone, but many see Greece’s promises to be fiscally responsible pretty worthless, considering their recent history. And the fact that the plans they detailed to raise revenue consisted of 45 iPhone app ideas, 32 of which already existed. In other news, the FBI admitted today that a failed background check allowed Dylann Roof to get a gun-


(Luke turns down the radio)


LUKE: Listen, I’m sorry-


KIMBERLY: YOU’RE sorry?! YOU are perhaps responsible for the END of our business! Because of your STUPID joke!!


LUKE: His name was MATT FALCON, how was I supposed to know he was Muslim!?


KIMBERLY: Here’s a tip! Don’t make religious jokes at a client dinner REGARDLESS of what you think the client’s religion might be! So save your “shrimp-o-caust” or “the SHRIMP really killed Jesus” jokes for some other time!


LUKE: You’re right, you’re right, I am really, really sorry. But that guy was unreasonable, it was just a bad joke! Plus, I could’ve SWORN I saw that motherfucker rubbing bacon bits in his gums while he was waiting for us at the restaurant!

KIMBERLY: It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. I give you the spotlight, it gives you a big head, like it ALWAYS DOES, and you go too far. I should’ve done all the talking. I couldn’t even get a word in, he interrupted me and you let him!


LUKE: What was I going to do? Tell him to shut up because you’re talking?


KIMBERLY: Just forget it. We’ll go in on Monday morning and try and figure this shit out.


LUKE: Fine.


(Luke rests his head against the car window. Cut to Luke and Kimberly walking into work on the morning of Monday, July 13, 2015. They are holding hands, and Doyle and Ben approach them)


DOYLE: We didn’t get any e-mails about the dinner, how’d it go?


LUKE: Didn’t work out.


BEN: What?! He was gung-ho about when I first set up the dinner!

LUKE: We’ll talk about in the conference room in a second, Ben.


(Luke and Kimberly go into Kimberly’s office. Ben scoffs, shakes his head and walks away. Doyle follows him)


DOYLE: Guys! Hold up!


(Ben turns to Doyle)


BEN: What?


(Doyle is breathing heavily)


DOYLE: Sorry, give me a second.


BEN: Jesus.


DOYLE: Could you reach into my pocket and get my inhaler?


BEN: Why can’t you?


DOYLE: My arms feel weak, but fine! (Doyle uses his inhaler and puts it away) Why are you snapping at Luke? You don’t want to choke chain that English bull dog.


BEN: I’m sure she does it to him enough during foreplay.


DOYLE: Their foreplay is S&M? What the hell’s their main event? A Roman orgy?


BEN: Doyle, you thought an orgy was a bodily fluid when I first met you, don’t act like you’re enlightened about sex these days. And I don’t care what they do in the bedroom, what Luke does here is ruin the account that I had nearly signed! All they had to do was take him to dinner and not call him an asshole and we would have the account! But no, Luke ruined my lead.


DOYLE: How do you know he ruined it?


BEN: Kimberly would never have let this happen.


DOYLE: Well, don’t antagonize him, it’s not good for your career.


BEN: Because he’s the boss’ fiancée. I got it. But if they don’t start letting me close these deals, he’ll just be some random chick’s fiancée.


(Ben walks away, and Doyle shakes his head and walks into another room. Cut to Luke and Kimberly heading up a meeting in the conference room. Doyle, Ben, Micah, a girl in a suit and a man in a suit)


KIMBERLY: Alright everybody, here’s the deal. We attempted to sign 24/7 Racquetball Nook corporation, but we weren’t suited for business.


BEN: How is that possible?


KIMBERLY: He refused to back us.


BEN: That’s so strange, because he seemed almost unreasonably excited to join us when I contacted him to begin with.


LUKE: That man gets unreasonably excited about everything. The man lost his mind over a bowl of shrimp. The deal just didn’t work out.


BEN: Well, I got an e-mail right before this meeting began saying that he’ll tell every Muslim he knows to never do business with you.


KIMBERLY: Ben. Is this really the time?


LUKE: No, Kim, it’s fine. I take full responsibility for what happened. But now we have to move forward-and I’m NOT an Islamophobe! It was a big misunderstanding!


BEN: Do you misunderstand how to sign a client?


FEMALE EMPLOYEE: Hey! Ben! This is not productive!


KIMBERLY: Thank you, Nina. It isn’t. Now stop complaining and go try to sign more clients. I want you to search every henhouse, penthouse, outhouse, green house and lake house in New England for new business! And try to avoid Muslims. Okay, that sounded bad. Try to avoid Muslims because they’re trying to avoid us. So let’s get to work.


(Kimberly claps her hands. Doyle starts applauding, but stops once he sees nobody else is)


DOYLE: Sorry, I thought we were applauding.


KIMBERLY: No, I just clapped once to indicate that everyone needs to get to work.


DOYLE: Very good then.


(Everybody gets up to leave, but Luke and Ben remain behind because Luke is putting his papers together and Ben stops to talk to Luke)


BEN: Why should I bring in another lead when you’re just going to pulverize it?


LUKE: I don’t know what you think happens when companies lose huge clients, but let’s just say that your definition of what constitutes “expired food” is going to be adjusted soon.


(Luke walks away as Ben looks down. Cut to Nina speaking with Kimberly in her office)


NINA: So those are the projections for Fall 2015 with Burlington ISD and without, side by side.


KIMBERLY: Thank you, Nina, this is great.


NINA: There are also a few poems of encouragement, in there.


KIMBERLY: What’d you rhyme “encouragement” with?


NINA: “Permanent”.


KIMBERLY: “Nourishment” would’ve been better.


NINA: Shit.


(Luke comes in)


LUKE: Oh, hey Nina.


NINA: What’s up?


LUKE: Are we taking shelter from Shitstorm Benjamin in here?


(Nina laughs)


NINA: I didn’t know they’re naming shitstorms now.


LUKE: Yeah, first it was blizzards, now it’s shitstorms, I don’t know when they’ll stop.


NINA: I do. Shitstorm Benjamin will be the shitstorm to end all shitstorms.


(Luke laughs)


LUKE: You’re probably right.


KIMBERLY: Can I help you, Luke?


LUKE: Yes.


NINA: I’ll be in my office.


(Nina leaves, and Luke shuts the door)


LUKE: So, obviously, we have to decide who’s worth letting go. My first pick is Benjamin Norcross. That guy has been insubordinate as fuck recently. Let’s tell him his grandkids are in the parking lot to see him, and then just lock him out of the building.


KIMBERLY: He’s not THAT old. And it’s stupid to let go of account men. We need them now more than ever.


LUKE: We have plenty! Who else are we going to get rid of?


KIMBERLY: Accountants, sales associates and customer service reps mostly.


LUKE: Which ones?


KIMBERLY: I’ll make a list and send it to you by 11. And they’ll be gone by three.


(Luke sighs)


LUKE: And the police will cordon off the crime scene by 5.


KIMBERLY: Jesus, I hope we didn’t hire anyone mentally unstable.


LUKE: No, not since Rob left. But he wouldn’t go postal, would he?


KIMBERLY: Remember when he traveled across the country just to kick Ethan’s ass for dating his ex?


LUKE: Oh, God.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in a conference room with Arena and Duncan from the band Ellipsis. Duncan is sitting in Arena’s lap and Arena is braiding his hair)


RYAN: So, what exactly is the problem, Arena?


ARENA: Ellipsis doesn’t want its music released like every other band out there today. They just lazily post it on iTunes, Spotify or BandCamp-


DUNCAN: And SoundCloud, don’t forget SoundCloud.


ARENA: Exactly, and they just expect people to put their ears on it, with no presentation whatsoever.


DUNCAN: It’s ridiculous. No one’s going to pay attention to a couple of white kids from New Hampshire unless we air drop our upcoming record in some of the most indie-friendly towns in America.


ARENA: Portland, Seattle, Los Feliz, Greenwhich Village, Austin, Deep Ellum, etcetera.


RYAN: Right, and what Broken Bone Records is saying is that we cannot air-drop anything because we don’t have a plane.


ARENA: You can’t make room for a plane in the budget?


RYAN: No. No, we absolutely cannot. I’m fighting for plastic cups here...


DUNCAN: There has to be an unconventional way to spread our new record that you can afford, right? Maybe I should go door to door?


RYAN: Have you ever interacted with a door-to-door salesman before?


DUNCAN: As a matter of fact, I have! I let them talk to me for as long as they like. I never buy their shit, but seeing them squirm trying to sell it to me makes me feel like I’ve made their day.


RYAN: No, you definitely haven’t. Look, you want to go door-to-door? Fine, give me your sales pitch.


ARENA: Hey, Duncan, I’ll do it because you suck at it.


DUNCAN: Uh-huh.


(Duncan gets off Arena’s lap and sits down as he feels his newly braided hair. Arena knocks on the table, and Ryan mimes opening a door)


 ARENA: Oh. Are your parents here, little boy? We need to talk to them about this rad new record of ours.


RYAN: Come on, I don’t look that young.


ARENA: Ah, look, he his facial hair is patchy and short because he doesn’t want to grow a beard and doesn’t know how to shave properly!


RYAN: Stop it.


ARENA: This isn’t “Kidz Bop Goes Indie” you little shit, this is genius!


(Ryan mimes slamming the door)


RYAN: See? You insulted him, and me, and you’re left with nothing. The best way for Broken Bone and for Ellipsis to make a profit is to distribute the record online or through iTunes in the conventional way.


DUNCAN: I, I refuse.


ARENA: We refuse to be shills for the bean-counters who run this record label. I don’t make money, Ryan. I make Art Music.


RYAN: Art Music?


ARENA: You’ve heard of music, right?


RYAN: Yes.


ARENA: Well, this is Art Music. And I don’t make money, I make that.


RYAN: Yeah, well, WE make money. And you do too. Sorry, but that’s the way it is. (Ryan stands up) My hands are tied on this.


DUNCAN: I guess you don’t need to keep us as a client then. I know you’re bursting at the seams with other clients like Towncenter, Pop Spiders and…who else?


(Ryan looks annoyed)

RYAN: A band that does ska covers of New Order songs.


DUNCAN: And what is that band called?


RYAN: “A Band That Does Ska Covers of New Order Songs”.


DUNCAN: Right, doesn’t sound look great on a headline, does it?


(Ryan bites his upper lip as Kristel comes into the room holding a cup of coffee)


RYAN: Slut-bag, what are you doing here?


(Kristel hugs Ryan)


KRISTEL: Surprising you, limp-dick. (They stop hugging) I thought we could go destroy ourselves at a punk show in Burlington.


RYAN: What show?


KRISTEL: Doesn’t matter. I just want to get punched.


RYAN: Well, I could do that.


KRISTEL: It’s just not the same! That’s it, you’re in time-out for that. No touching me until we get there.


ARENA: Sorry, you guys seem like a great couple and all, but my concerns still remain unresolved.


RYAN: Keep them company, I have to go ask Kurt about some stuff.


(Ryan leaves and Kristel sits down)


KRISTEL: So what’s are you concerns anyway?


DUNCAN: Broken Bone is refusing to release our records the way we want them to.


ARENA: Air-dropped, door-to-door, direct mail, inmate-only releases-


KRISTEL: Inmate only releases?!


ARENA: Inmates have money! Okay?! They make it at their license plate making jobs! And what’s more punk than an inmate-only release? Punk fans will be trying to get in prison just to hear this shit.


KRISTEL: I’ve been in relationships with dudes in prison, trust me, they spend all their money on cigarettes, drugs and those book lights from the prison gift shop. All these release plans are retarded.


DUNCAN: Excuse me?


KRISTEL: They’re retarded! You two are trying to quirky and different, but you look like every indie band ever.


ARENA: Our look is a satire on the modern Indie landscape, thank you.


KRISTEL: Yeah, you’re a regular Jonathan Swift. Look, if you really want to release the record in a different way than Broken Bone wants you to, just release it online for free. If it’s good enough, hipsters the world over will cop it on vinyl or on CD once you release it on those mediums.


DUNCAN: And why would they do that when they could just listen to it on their computers or torrent it?


KRISTEL: Guys, even if you release it on iTunes for ten bucks people are going to torrent it! The money’s in the live shows, merchandise and devoted fans who WANT to own your music. But to get to that point, they don’t want to pay to try it out.


ARENA: She’s right. If you want ears on a project, the initial listen needs to be free. Otherwise they won’t bother. The money’s in vinyls and CDs.


KRISTEL: There! Now propose that to Ryan so we can go.


ARENA: Are you gonna try the record?


KRISTEL: Uh, maybe. How long is it?


ARENA: 75 minutes. 90 with commercials.


KRISTEL: Commercials?


DUNCAN: They’re all whole foods commercials, it’s cool! Also, Squarespace.


(Ryan comes in)


RYAN: So I just spoke with Kurt, and-


ARENA: Ryan, we have a proposal we want you to entertain.


RYAN: Just hold on, Arena-


KRISTEL: No, let her speak.


ARENA: We were thinking, as a compromise, we could release the album for free online. That way we can get people to listen to it without the barrier of having to pay for it, because music is essentially free nowadays anyhow. After that, we can make money off of the die-hard fans buying vinyl and CD copies of the album, as well as going to shows and selling merchandise.


DUNCAN: Plus, we’ll still make money at our menial office jobs, which you guys will still get a cut of, according to the contract.


KRISTEL: Seriously?


RYAN: (To Kristel) I didn’t write that contract, I just, giddily accepted it- (To Ellipsis) you really think I’ll be able to convince Kurt to agree to give away the album for free?


DUNCAN: People won’t listen to it if we don’t. It’s a way to get our foot in the door.


RYAN: …This is actually, super reasonable. How’d you guys do that?


ARENA: Your bae gave us the idea.


(Ryan looks at Kristel)


RYAN: Did you really?


KRISTEL: Yeah. A lot of labels are doing it these days.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: Huh. (Ryan turns to Ellipsis) Well, I’ll make the case to Kurt then.


ARENA: Cool. We’re going to go back our car. We’ll be back tomorrow morning for more studio time.


RYAN: Great. See you guys.


(Arena and Duncan get up)


KRISTEL: Wait, where are you guys going to in your car?


(Arena and Duncan ignore the question and leave. Cut to Ryan and Kristel in Kristel’s car. She is driving. “PCP Crazy” by Idylls plays over her car stereo)


RYAN: Damn, you really buttered those hipsters up.


KRISTEL: Are you kidding me? I called them retarded. Then I just, gave them a good idea.


RYAN: I’m just saying, you handled that situation like a pro. I’ve been dealing with those assholes for almost two months, and I’ve never seen them that reasonable.


KRISTEL: That’s because you tolerate their bullshit. If you just tell them off and offer a better idea, they’ll come around. (Ryan is about to touch Kristel’s shoulder) What’d I say about touching?!


(Ryan pulls his hand back)


RYAN: Sorry. Not until we get here.


KRISTEL: Exactly. (Ryan leans his head against the window and smiles. Cut to Ryan and Kristel at Seani’s. They are sitting in the corner and Ryan has his head rested on Kristel’s shoulder) Big Ups should be coming on anytime.


RYAN: I just want to feel your warmth.


KRISTEL: Oh, God. (Ryan puts his head against Kristel’s chest) Ryan, my tits aren’t indestructible.


RYAN: No, but they’re firm and resolute.




RYAN: Your tits are like pillows, warm on one side, but if you flip them over, you feel the cold side, which in guess in this case would be your heart.


KRISTEL: I have a cold heart?


RYAN: Yeah, but that’s good. I like that. It’ll be helpful for vamp role-play.


KRISTEL: Okay, it’s time to get up.


(Ryan takes his head off Kristel’s tits and looks at her)


RYAN: What’s the matter?


KRISTEL: You’re creepier than people give you credit for.


RYAN: You don’t know people who know me from High School.


KRISTEL: Ryan, something about intimacy outside of a sexual setting makes me uncomfortable, I’m sorry.


RYAN: Don’t be. You just need to be liberated from that sense of discomfort.


KRISTEL: You want to do vamp role-play? You haven’t even considered S&M and you expect me to buy made-in-China Halloween fangs?


RYAN: Is it much worse than made-in-China Halloween whips and chains?


KRISTEL: Well, my S&M fantasy involves a Chinese factory manager abusing and molesting a small child employee, so it’s kind of appropriate.


RYAN: Jesus Christ.


KRISTEL: THERE is no judgement here! That’s what you said!


RYAN: I didn’t say that!


KRISTEL: Listen, we both have to be open to experimentation. Otherwise, we’ll be bored and bitter. (Kristel takes out a cigarette, puts it in her mouth, lights it, inhales and exhales) Just like our parents.


RYAN: Does Elias ever contact you?


KRISTEL: Where did that come from?


RYAN: I’m just wondering.


KRISTEL: Yeah, sometimes.


RYAN: Texts? E-mails?


KRISTEL: Texts, why does it matter?


RYAN: What does he say?


KRISTEL: Look at that! Big Ups is on stage.


(Kristel gets up and walks towards the other side of the venue, and Ryan follows her. Cut to Brennan sitting in Ryan’s sun room taking a hit off a marijuana-filled pipe. Michael is sitting right next to him. Brennan takes the hit and hands it to Michael)


BRENNAN: Don’t take forever with this.


MICHAEL: I won’t!


BRENNAN: And so they just paraded me in there and told me I wasn’t in the band anymore, like they, they just kicked me out of my own band.


MICHAEL: Why’d they do it?


BRENNAN: I don’t know! It sucks, because I had big things coming! We were going to the moon!


(Cut to Ryan, who is sitting opposite Brennan, and is holding an empty glass with ice in it)


RYAN: You were gonna do a show on the moon?


BRENNAN: I meant it in a metaphorical sense, but sure, we could’ve done that! We could’ve gone further than that, we could’ve extended the tour to Pluto and entertained that New Horizons spacecraft.


MICHAEL: But what if your show on the moon went haywire once you realized there’s no oxygen? And you just die?


BRENNAN: Then I guess we’d have to cancel our show on Pluto.


RYAN: And what about the people who got tickets-


BRENNAN: There will BE no refunds.


RYAN: Are you gonna take your hit?


MICHAEL: Sorry, goddamnit, here I go.


(Michael takes his hit)


BRENNAN: Jason’s such a pussy, he didn’t even speak when they fired me from the band, he let everyone else do the talking. He didn’t wanna face up to what he did. You know what I think? We should-are you gonna give that to me?


MICHAEL: I haven’t taken my second hit yet!


BRENNAN: Who said we’re taking two hits each?


MICHAEL: It’s called “puff, puff, pass”, where were you during High School chemistry?


BRENNAN: They teach that in High School Chemistry?


MICHAEL: No, I would just get high during High School Chemistry. Super risky by the way, but a genuine thrill.


BRENNAN: Hurry up then!




(Michael takes a hit and hands it to Brennan)


BRENNAN: I say we excommunicate Jason from the meme team.


MICHAEL: Me too. He’s been a little shitter for leading the coup d’état against Brennan. No loyalty.


BRENNAN: Exactly. We’re supposed to be best friends.


(Brennan takes a hit)


MICHAEL: What do you think, Ryan?


RYAN: …Well, I mean, can we make an executive decision for the meme team when Eric isn’t here?


BRENNAN: Eric doesn’t give a shit about Jason. And he wasn’t at the meeting when we excommunicated Terry from the meme team back in 2011.


RYAN: Yeah, because he was at a mental institution!


BRENNAN: Whatever happened to Terry?


RYAN: He went to a mental institution. It’s actually how Eric got out. We planted Eric’s ID on Terry, put him in a gown, left him in Eric’s cell and got Eric out of there. It was some real “El Chapo” level escape work.


(Brennan takes his hit)


MICHAEL: I didn’t know you guys back then, but I really hope you’re joking.


(Brennan hands Michael the pipe)


BRENNAN: Just smoke this and forget about it. (Michael shrugs and takes his hit) So, do you agree with leaving him out or not?


(Ryan gulps and looks reluctant)


RYAN: Of course. He stabbed you in the back.


BRENNAN: Good. So, how are you and Kristel?


RYAN: We’re great. We make a great team. I’ll be right back.


(Ryan goes inside. Cut to Ryan going into his kitchen to see a bottle of spiced rum. He takes his glass, puts some ice in it and pours the rum into the glass frantically. He then drinks a bit of it and closes his eyes as it tingles in his throat. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michael in the kitchen. Ryan is sitting on a counter, Brennan is leaning against the kitchen’s island and Michael is standing near the pantry)


MICHAEL: What are you talking about, man?


RYAN: What are you saying?


(Brennan, who is clearly very high, is feeling his teeth with his tongue)


BRENNAN: My teeth feel like, my teeth feel like glass. You know?


(Ryan and Michael laugh)


MICHAEL: No, I don’t.


BRENNAN: My teeth feel like smarties, and they’re just like, invading my teeth.


(Ryan laughs)


RYAN: I feel like I’m watching a documentary about mental institutions and like, they’re interviewing one of the patients.


(Brennan laughs)


MICHAEL: Is Terry still in there?


BRENNAN: (Whispering) Shhh, about that shit, Michael. (Brennan goes over to a sink and turns it on) I don’t want them to hear.


(Ryan laughs and Brennan turns the sink off and goes back to leaning against the island. Brennan makes himself a drink and takes a sip, as Ryan stares at him. Brennan looks up and catches Ryan’s stare)


RYAN: Hang in there, kid.


(Brennan nods and looks down. Cut to Ethan and Vitenka sitting in Ethan’s Moscow living room on the afternoon of July 14, 2015. They are watching President Obama speak from the White House’s East Room on the BBC. Vice President Biden is standing behind him)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Because of this deal, Iran will modify the core of its reactor in Iraq, so that it will not produce weapons-grade plutonium. And it has agreed to ship the spent fuel from the reactor out of the country for the lifetime of the reactor. For at least the next fifteen years, Iran will not build any new heavy-water reactors. Because of this deal, we will, for the first time, be in a position to verify all of these commitments. That means this deal is not built on trust. It is built on verification.


ETHAN: Hmm. I think that was Kimberly and I’s wedding vows.


(Vitenka laughs)




ETHAN: What does President Obama bowing to the Iranian regime have to do with my clemency request?


VITENKA: I’m sure the news will come soon. And I don’t know, I was reading about this deal, it seems pretty great to me. The inspectors get 24/7 access to all Iranian nuclear facilities, and they can’t enrich Uranium or Plutonium to weapons-grade levels. And we all we have to do is lift sanctions.


ETHAN: Iran’s just going to divert the uranium enriching to some covert location!

VITENKA: No, because I read that inspectors would have access to centrifuge manufacturing and storage facilities. As well as any suspicious activity.


ETHAN: What are they gonna do? (Ethan starts knocking on the table) Hey! What are you guys doing in there? Are you guys enriching Uranium in there? (Ethan stops knocking on the table and starts coughing) Uhh, no! We’re just, we’re doing arts and crafts- (whispering) Abdul, I thought I told you to stuff the towel under the door!

VITENKA: Covering up uranium enrichment is not as easy as covering up weed smoke, Ethan.


ETHAN: There’s just no reason to trust Iran!


VITENKA: Well, if Iran violates the terms of the agreement, all the sanctions go back in place. So they have every reason to follow the rules. Remember when your country negotiated with my country to reduce nuclear stockpiles?


ETHAN: That was different. The stakes were higher then. (Ethan looks confused about what he just said. Then, his cell phone rings) Excuse me. (Ethan picks up his phone) Hello?


ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: (On the phone) Hi, Mr. Donahue. It’s Loretta Lynch, the Attorney General.


(Ethan grabs Vitenka’s thigh)


ETHAN: Attorney General Lynch, it’s great to hear from you.


ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: I’ve been directed by both the President of the United States and the Governor of Vermont to inform you that both of them have accepted your request for clemency.


(Ethan smiles very widely)


ETHAN: My God! That’s incredible news!


(Vitenka squeals and hugs Ethan)


ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: We decided to announce it today while everyone’s distracted by the Iran deal and the Pluto flyby.


ETHAN: Smart.


ATTORNEY GENERAL LYNCH: You may return to the United States at your leisure.


ETHAN: Oh, I don’t get a private jet or something, to pick me up?




(She hangs up. Ethan puts the phone down and kisses Vitenka for five seconds, before looking into her eyes)


VITENKA: I can’t believe it actually happened.


ETHAN: I told you! Now we can make a life together. In Vermont.


VITENKA: I’ll go pack my things.


ETHAN: And I’ll call my kids.


(Vitenka gets up and walks off-screen as Ethan takes out his cell phone. Cut to Ryan passed out on the floor of his bedroom with an empty bottle of Spiced Rum by him. His phone rings and his eyes open. He sits up and sees Ethan is calling. The time says “7:10 AM July 14 2015”. He answers it)


RYAN: Hello? (Ethan can be heard on the other line) What?!


(Cut to Norman Sanford in his office, typing on his computer. Brennan comes into the house and walks by his office)


NORMAN: Brennan!


(Brennan turns around)




NORMAN: Come in here.


(Brennan walks into Norman’s office)


BRENNAN: What is it?


(Norman turns his monitor to show one of the first high-resolution photos of Pluto sent back from the New Horizon spacecraft)


NORMAN: Can you believe this?


BRENNAN: It’s cool, I guess.


NORMAN: It’s “cool”? Jesus, why do people long to be a teenager again?


(Norman turns the monitor back towards him)


BRENNAN: …You know, before I left Ryan’s house, he told me the President pardoned his father. He’s coming back to America.


NORMAN: Is that right?


BRENNAN: Uh-huh. I was pretty shocked. Apparently he wants to move back to Vermont too. But who the hell will hire him after what he did?


NORMAN: That’s a good question.


BRENNAN: Jason would probably hire him. Fucking asshole.


(Brennan walks away as Norman thinks deeply. Norman takes out his cell phone and searches through it. Cut to Ethan packing his bags in his room. Edward Snowden is standing by)


EDWARD: I’m gonna miss you, buddy. When you get there and you realize that the NSA’s PRISM program isn’t ruling over your life, just thank me.


ETHAN: Go to Hell. And have Satan rule over you.


EDWARD: You know, the Bible never once says that Satan rules Hell.


ETHAN: What, is he a tenant? Does he have a landlord?


EDWARD: No, he just rules Earth.


(Vitenka comes in with a bottle of vodka)


VITENKA: You want celebratory vodka drink?


ETHAN: Sure.


VITENKA: You told all your kids, right?


ETHAN: Yes. They were all very excited. Although, Jacob told me that Kimberly’s business just lost a huge client, and is failing. Apparently his girlfriend overheard something and told him about it.


VITENKA: That’s no good.


(Vitenka goes into the other room. Ethan gets a phone call, and picks it up)


ETHAN: Hello?


NORMAN: (On the phone) Ethan! I’m glad you answered. It’s Norman Sanford.


ETHAN: …Norman Sanford-you’re the father of one of Ryan’s friends, right?


NORMAN: Yes! Sorry, I know we haven’t spoken in a while.


ETHAN: Norman, if you caught Ryan getting into your medicine cabinet, I am not the person to call about that. Kimberly and I are divorced, and I live in Russia, for the time being, anyway.


NORMAN: No, it’s not that, I heard about your pardon. Congratulations.


ETHAN: Thanks. Is that why you called?


NORMAN: Ethan, I have a business opportunity for you.


ETHAN: …Is that right?


NORMAN: Yes. My son tells me you’re planning on moving back to Vermont?


ETHAN: Yes, my family lives there.


NORMAN: Well, let me tell you something. No one in Vermont is going to hire you after what you did to the city.


ETHAN: I stole that money to get it away from Hansbay 2028, Norman! Sarandon’s delusional!


NORMAN: I get that, and I take no issue with it, but that’s the facts. No one will hire you to any job that is as prestigious as the one you had. Am I wrong?


ETHAN: …I suppose you’re probably not.


NORMAN: Exactly. Listen, Ethan, I recently lost my job at Reliable Vending. I was an executive in charge of multimillion dollar deals to provide vending machines and services to schools, hotels, gyms-you name it.


ETHAN: And you lost your job? Why?


NORMAN: Let’s not focus on why. I’m starting my own goddamn vending company now. And I need someone’s help. I want you to be a partner.


(Ethan laughs)




NORMAN: Because, no one else will help me. And you have no other options for employment here in Vermont. Unless you want to work for your ex-wife.


ETHAN: Yeah, that lead doesn’t really interest me.


NORMAN: But I also want you to work for me because of your skills. Your skills in crisis management, logistics, sales, money management-you name it. I want you to build something with me.


ETHAN: …I have very little private sector experience.


NORMAN: It doesn’t matter. You’ll adapt. I never go on business ventures with friends, Ethan. Things get too personal that way. That’s why I want you to join this company.


(Ethan looks behind and gestures to Edward that he should leave)


EDWARD: Why do I have to leave? I’m comfortable standing here.


ETHAN: (Whispering) Don’t you, of all people, believe in privacy? Out! (Edward rolls his eyes and leaves. Ethan is no longer whispering) Sorry about that. Do you have any leads for clients?


NORMAN: I’m poaching some big ticket gyms and schools away from Reliable Vending as we speak. They were fans of mine when I worked there and they don’t like that I’m gone. It’s peanuts to Reliable, but it’s a great set of clients to start a business with.


ETHAN: …I have one condition before I join this company.


NORMAN: What’s that?


ETHAN: I want you to put in a good word for Altmire Racquetball to all the gym and school clients that you poach. Any client that needs sports equipment, really.


NORMAN: Why would you want to help out your ex-wife’s company that much? You’re not looking to get back with her, are you? Trust me, that’s not a good idea, I have an ex-wife and one time we got re-married. A month later she divorced me again and took half of the stuff that I KEPT in the first divorce.


ETHAN: No, it’s not that. I have a girlfriend. It’s just…her business is having hard times and it really needs clients, and, well, despite our divorce, I care about her.


NORMAN: …Okay. I get it. Then it’s a deal. When shall we meet?


ETHAN: I’m arriving on Thursday. We should meet Friday at 3pm. Your house.


NORMAN: Why not Thursday?


ETHAN: …I’d like to see my family first, Norman.


(Norman clears his throat)


NORMAN: Of course. I look forward to seeing you.


ETHAN: Me too. Goodbye.


(Ethan hangs up and smiles. Cut to Vitenka standing just outside the room, holding the cup of vodka, having just heard the phone conversation. She looks concerned. Fade to black)



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