The Donahues Episode 226

Reads: 358  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Jacob must deal with anonymous’ takeover of the Sullivan Hotel, Ryan moves into his dorm at SUNY Plattsburgh as he leaves Jason and Kristel behind, he tries Tinder hook-ups in their place.







“I'm the biggest hypocrite of 2015. Once I finish this, witnesses will convey just what I mean. Been feeling this way since I was 16, came to my senses. You never liked us anyway, fuck your friendship, I meant it”

  • Kendrick Lamar


(Cut to Ryan in his room, packing a suitcase while Jason talks to him)


JASON: Listen, the whole thing was just a big misunderstanding!

RYAN: YEAH! Yeah it was! Because for a long-ass time, I did not in fact understand why my girlfriend was knocked out by a drone! Because why would that ever happen?!


JASON: You know the technology these days is goin’ fast as fuck! Toddlers can 3D print drones with their iPads now! And those drones can come equipped with guns!


RYAN: Yeah, well, Brandon fessed up! You guys were spying on me?!


JASON: Yeah, and he lost control of the drone!

RYAN: Why were you spying on me?!


JASON: Because we heard were you back in drugs again, we were concerned! And Kristel was just, collateral damage!


RYAN: I’m sick and tired of this self-righteous bullshit! You’re like those people who posted the personal info of all those Ashley Madison customers!

JASON: Are you comparing yourself to the Ashley Madison customers then?


RYAN: Shut up! Jason, no! This relationship between us, it’s over! I’m sorry, but I’m moving to Plattsburgh and that’s the end of this!


JASON: Really? You’re going to give this up?


RYAN: I would’ve maintained a long distance relationship, but now that I know you had Kristel on your “kill list”, I’ll probably keep my distance.


JASON: Ryan, no! (Jason tears up) What about Kristel? What is she gonna do without you?


RYAN: Why-? Why are you concerned about her?


JASON: I don’t know! I just don’t know how to feel about this!


RYAN: It seems like you’re aiming for sad.


JASON: Yeah, I think that’s it! (Jason hugs Ryan) I’m sorry about what I did!

(Ryan furrows his brow and rubs Jason’s back)


RYAN: It’s okay, you didn’t mean it…you didn’t mean to knock out my girlfriend with a UAV…


(Jason looks at Ryan after his crying settles down)


JASON: So we’re really over?


RYAN: Yeah. I’m sorry. But I can’t do this anymore.


(Jason sniffs)


JASON: Well…I’ll see you at SUNY Plattsburgh in January.


RYAN: Oh yeah, I forgot about-OH FUCK, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT!


(Cut to Ryan standing over Kristel as she lies on the couch in her apartment. She is holding a towel-wrapped bag of ice to her head)


KRISTEL: What is it?


RYAN: I just wanted to see how you were feeling before I headed off to Plattsburgh.


KRISTEL: I feel like a goddamn drone hit me in the head.


RYAN: I’m sorry. I should’ve fought the drone. To defend your honor.


(Kristel sits up)


KRISTEL: Your friends are morons.


(Ryan sits next to Kristel)


RYAN: I know they are.


(Kristel takes a cigarette out of the pack on her coffee table. She puts it in her mouth. Ryan grabs a lighter off the coffee table and lights it for her. She inhales and then exhales as Ryan puts the lighter back on the coffee table)


KRISTEL: Then why are they your friends?


RYAN: Out of habit, I guess. If I’m not friends with them, who am I going to be friends with? Hal down your hall?


KRISTEL: Definitely not.


RYAN: Right? So, I don’t know, they’ve been there for me for years. But now I’m going to college, so I’ll be seeing a lot less of them. And I can make friends there.


(Kristel takes a drag)


KRISTEL: About that. (Kristel exhales smoke) You’re moving an hour and a half away.


RYAN: I can visit on weekends. And you can come by too, if you want! You could surprise me!


KRISTEL: Speaking of surprises…


(Kristel exhales smoke)


RYAN: I didn’t see you take a drag-?


KRISTEL: Ryan, I think we both know we bring out the worst in each other.


(Ryan furrows his brow)


RYAN: What are you saying?


KRISTEL: I’m saying it’s over. (Ryan bows his head) Ryan, I’m sorry. But deep down, you wanted this too.


(Ryan lifts his head up, with tears in his eyes)


RYAN: But I was going to string you along for a few more months!




RYAN: I was looking forward to having someone to bang when I went home until I found someone at college who was better suited for me!

KRISTEL: You should leave now.


(Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Ethan, Luke and Kimberly standing outside Kimberly’s house. Ryan is wearing a backpack)


ETHAN: My boy’s going to be a college sophomore.


KIMBERLY: You should’ve seen how hard he worked to finish his freshman year online and pass that math test.


LUKE: But you don’t live here, so…


ETHAN: Yes, thank you, Lucas.


LUKE: No problem.


ETHAN: How do you feel about going to SUNY Plattsburgh, huh, kiddo?


RYAN: It’s…fine.


KIMBERLY: Ryan, what’s wrong?


JACOB: Mom, you should know at this point that acting excited about things is not in Ryan’s MO.


RYAN: Jacob, what does MO stand for?


JACOB: I don’t know, but they use it on Criminal Minds a lot. Along with stock sound effects to simulate the insanity of the criminal mind. (An SFX CD sound effect of children laughing is heard) You hear that?


RYAN: No-?


JACOB: That means some abusive shit went down in my childhood.


RYAN: No, that was my childhood.


ETHAN: Hey, enough, you know that’s not true.


RYAN: I better get going.


ETHAN: Alright, good luck, son! Stay focused.


(Ethan hugs Ryan, and then Ryan goes over to hug Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: Do well. Stay organized. Stay clean.


RYAN: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: If you have a question in class, raise your hand.


RYAN: Right.


KIMBERLY: If you can’t find the bathroom in one of those big college buildings, ask someone.




KIMBERLY: If the sun gets in your eyes on the way there, block your eyes with your hand if other means are not available.


RYAN: Okay, mom, I can figure all this out on my own, thanks. (Ryan lets go of Kimberly. Ryan extends his hand to Luke, but Luke awkwardly hugs him) Oh, alright then.


(Luke lets go of Ryan)


LUKE: That felt really forced.


RYAN: Yeah.


LUKE: Regardless, if you ever need help talking to a girl, just put me on the phone with her. My accent works every time.


RYAN: So you wanna screw college girls?


LUKE: No, I just want to steal your thunder.


JACOB: Ryan, I’m sure going to miss you, bro.


(Ryan turns to Jacob)


RYAN: Me, too.


JACOB: If it weren’t for your girlfriend, we could probably hang out during the weekends that you’re back for a visit.


RYAN: Oh, actually, um, that’s kind of, over.


JACOB: Oh, really?


RYAN: Yeah.


JACOB: So we can hang out during those weekends?


RYAN: Yep.


JACOB: Oh, geez.


RYAN: Well, I better head off.


(Ryan hugs Jacob and then waves as he gets in his car and starts it. Everybody waves as he drives away)


JACOB: Well, I gotta get back to the Hotel. There’s a “Black Lives Matter/Anonymous” protest brewing there that I have to deal with.


ETHAN: Really? Why?!


(Jacob looks off in the distance as he hears stock sounds of laser beams, children laughing and a Wilhelm Scream)


JACOB: It’s a long story.


(Cut to Ryan in an elevator. The door opens, and he sees a bunch of college freshmen gathered in the hallway of this dorm hall. He comes out of the elevator and they all start singing “Happy Birthday”. The RA, who is wearing a “SUNY Plattsburgh” t-shirt, is there as well)


RYAN: Uh, IT’S NOT- IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY! (The RA goes over and pats Ryan on the shoulder as they continue singing) IT ISN’T!

(They finish)


RA: It’s your birthday, brah?


RYAN: No, that was on June 6th. But I appreciate that, I guess.


RA: Welcome to the 9th floor of Whiteface Hall here at SUNY Plattsburgh, your new home!

RYAN: Thanks.


RA: What’s your name?


RYAN: Ryan Donahue.


RA: Cool, dude, my name’s Zak. I’m your RA. We were just talking, have a stand, over there.


RYAN: Okay.


(Ryan goes over and stands near the other students)


ZAK: So, as I was saying, discipline is important. Professors don’t like it when you come in class and are all like (exaggerated “stoner” voice) “OOHHH, DUUUDE!! I smoked too many doobies and couldn’t study last night!!”


(A lot of the students laugh, not including Ryan. Some guy next to Ryan turns to him)


STUDENT: He’s just like us!

(Ryan smirks and gives a bemused look before darting his eyes away from that guy)


ZAK: And if you don’t turn in a paper, all hell breaks loose. Suddenly you’re getting a call from your Professor- (Stereotypical Hispanic accent) “Yo, homes, you got that paper yet? It was due Thursday ese, and if you don’t turn it in, the cartel gonna get you, dawg!”


RYAN: What’s with the inexplicable Hispanic accent?! That was pretty offensive!

ZAK: Racist? What? If anything, you’re being racist! What, are you saying Hispanics can’t be Professors?


RYAN: No, they definitely can! But they don’t sound like that! That’s just a bunch of ugly stereotypes!


ZAK: If you’re offended, take it up with your RA. (Ryan throws his hands in the air) Oh wait, THAS ME!


(Cut to dozens of #BlackLivesMatter protestors outside the Sullivan Hotel)




(Cut to Laura talking to her boss, some man in a suit, while walking through the Sullivan Hotel lobby)


LAURA’S BOSS: What are their specific grievances?


LAURA: Well, Mr. Pullman, they point to numerous Yelp reviews where we put blacks in the worst rooms and ignored them when they called the front desk for help.


MR. PULLMAN: Did we?


LAURA: I don’t know, I don’t remember, not intentionally!


MR. PULLMAN: So we did.


(Laura and Mr. Pullman arrive at Laura’s office door, but one of the black anonymous members is standing in front of it)


BLACK MAN: Pool’s closed.


LAURA: Goddamnit, I knew I shouldn’t have left my office unattended!


MR. PULLMAN: Let’s talk in the lobby. (Mr. Pullman and Laura go into the lobby and sit down) Any other complaints?

LAURA: Apparently they opened the first NAACP branch in Vermont last month, and the members stayed at this hotel for a bit, and one of the guys in our kitchen made the continental breakfast ONLY watermelon and fried chicken.


MR. PULLMAN: Jesus. How does he expect white people to eat?


LAURA: I don’t think that’s what you should be taking away from this.


MR. PULLMAN: I guess not. Has he been fired?


LAURA: To be fair, it was great watermelon and fried chicken-


MR. PULLMAN: Has he been fired?!

LAURA: Yes, he’s been fired.




(Cut to Jacob walking up to the hotel in his uniform, trying to get past the protestors, who are screaming “black lives matter” at him)




(Fiona Cadbury comes over holding a microphone as news cameras are pointed at her)


FIONA: Here we have an employee at Sullivan Hotel, what’s your name?


JACOB: Jacob.


FIONA: Jacob, any thoughts on the allegations of racism at the hotel you are employed at?


JACOB: Personally, I’ve always found Sullivan Hotel to be an inclusive, tolerant place, but, as a white male, I really have no place to discount the personal experiences of black people who have felt discriminated against in this establishment.


(The protestors cheer behind him. Cut to Mr. Pullman and Laura watching this interview unfold on the lobby television. Mr. Pullman is seething with rage)




LAURA: Mr. Pullman!

(Jacob comes in)


JACOB: Hey Laura, did you see that? I was on TV!


MR. PULLMAN: Youuuuuuu’rrrrrre (Mr. Pullman spins his hand in a circular fashion, as if he’s “charging up” his pointing at Jacob, and then he points as soon as he says the following word) FIIIIIIRRRRREEEED!!!!!!!!!


JACOB: What?! Why?!

MR. PULLMAN: You said we were racist on TV, asshole!

JACOB: No, I said we were tolerant but I couldn’t discount the way they felt!

LAURA: Yes, Mr. Pullman, Jacob is a wonderful employee, don’t fire him!


MR. PULLMAN: You’re conceding something! We can’t concede anything or else they’ll think they’re right!

JACOB: They ALREADY think they’re right!


LAURA: Sir, didn’t you see how enthusiastic their response to Jacob’s comments were? If we can get them on our side, isn’t that perfect for us?


MR. PULLMAN: They’re not on OUR side, they’re on Jacob’s side! And trust me, it’s hard to reason with these Black Lives Matter activists. Did you see them sparring with Hillary Clinton? Nothing she said was working on them! She even was like “mm-mm” like a black lady in a church when they were talking, and she got nothing!


LAURA: What she really needed was a fan and some gloves.


MR. PULLMAN: Exactly!


JACOB: Well, isn’t it important that they like ONE of the employees here? Because they don’t seem to be getting along with a lot of them. Look.


(They look at the TV to see Steve is being interviewed outside)


STEVE: I feel like these protestors are just homeless, and they’re protesting just so they can have an excuse for being outside all the time! (The Crowd boos) OH! OH! SO I’M WRONG!? GO HOME THEN! I’LL FOLLOW YOU ALL THERE!


BLACK KID: You’re gonna follow me home?!



FIONA: You do, just a bit.


(Cut back to Mr. Pullman, Laura and Jacob watching that unfold on TV)


MR. PULLMAN: Change of plans. Fire that guy.


LAURA: Of course.


MR. PULLMAN: And don’t fire Jacob here.


JACOB: Thank you so much, sir.


(Mr. Pullman points at Jacob)


MR. PULLMAN: But you are on probation, Donahue!


JACOB: I’m used to that.




JACOB: Nothing.


(Mr. Pullman glares at Jacob and walks away. Laura smiles at Jacob. Jacob smiles back. Cut to Mr. Pullman walking up to the bathroom, to see one of the black anonymous guys is guarding it)

MR. PULLMAN: Wait, are you the guy who wipes my ass now? What happened to the old guy?


BLACK GUY: Pool’s closed.


MR. PULLMAN: Oh, Damnit. That’s right. I forgot about you fuckers. LAURA!!


(Laura walks over)




MR. PULLMAN: We need to call the police to remove these trespassers.


LAURA: Trust me, Mr. Pullman, that would only increase racial tensions outside.


MR. PULLMAN: So just because they’re black they’re allowed to break the law?! Talk about a double standard! Laura, my people have been oppressed for too long!


LAURA: You’ve only been here fifteen minutes!

MR. PULLMAN: We’ve been oppressed for fifteen minutes too long! Call the police!!


LAURA: Oh, God. Fine. But this could get ugly. (Laura takes out her cell phone. Cut to Laura, Jacob and Mr. Pullman standing in the lobby of the hotel as Hansbay Police Officers enter) Officers, they’re right over-




(A bunch of officers run towards the black guy guarding the elevator)


JACOB: Oh, shit.


(“The Black The Berry” by Kendrick Lamar begins playing as the black guy puts his hands up. He is tased by one of the officers, and then tackled. The other police officers spread to different parts of the hotel. A montage of police brutally beating the black anonymous members follows. After the excerpt from “The Blacker The Berry” wraps up, the montage wraps up, and we cut to Ryan plugging in his Keurig in his new dorm room. A somewhat overweight, white, brunette male comes in wearing a SUNY Plattsburgh shirt)


DORMMATE: Oh, hey.


RYAN: Hey. I’m Ryan. You must be Bart?


BART: Yeah, I’m Bart.


(Bart shakes hands with Ryan)


RYAN: So, I guess this is our room.


BART: Yeah. So did you skip a year or something?


RYAN: Uhh…no?


BART: Really? Because your whole look seems kind of Junior year-ish.


RYAN: No, I’m actually a sophomore.


BART: In High School? Shiiit-


RYAN: No, in college.


BART: Oh. So you’re older than I am.


RYAN: Yeah.


BART: Well. (Bart laughs) Sorry about that.


RYAN: I know, my look is dated. But I can’t go back now.


BART: Right. Well, there are counselors on campus if you ever need to talk to someone.


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: Thanks, Bart. (Bart nods and gets on his laptop) How do we loft the beds, by the way?


BART: The RA usually does it, but you antagonized him, so…


RYAN: You know about that?


BART: Yeah, I was there.


RYAN: Shit. Now I’ll have nowhere to put my mini-fridge.


BART: That’ll be the least of your concerns. Last I heard, you don’t cross RA Zak.


(Someone knocks on the door)


RYAN: Come in!

(Zak opens the door)


ZAK: Mandatory meeting for all Ryans living on the 9th floor, 7pm today!

(Zak smiles and leaves the room)


BART: Oh boy.


RYAN: Fuck him. (Ryan takes out his phone and opens it up to see Instagram. One of the photos is of Jason in a VANS store drinking Starbucks, with the caption being “Starbucks in VANS- 2 Punk”) And fuck this guy too. Drinking Starbucks in VANS is about as punk as your shitty pop punk music SOUNDS. I don’t need Jason or Kristel, I can find someone here, right, Bart?


(Bart turns to Ryan)


BART: …I don’t know what you’re talking about.


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: Exactly. (Ryan goes on Tinder and starts swiping left and right) Too fat. (Swipes left) Too skinny! I mean, God, dating her would just be perpetuating unrealistic standards of beauty. (Swipes left) Has clearly not checked his white privilege.


BART: How could you tell that from a picture?


RYAN: He’s being served a drink by a Hispanic waiter in his photo!


BART: How do you know he’s not the waiter?


RYAN: Because what waiter would want their Tinder profile to showcase how they’re a waiter?


BART: Fair point.


(Ryan swipes left)


RYAN: Wait a minute. Ooh, I like her. (The camera shows Ryan’s phone screen, which is showing a Tinder profile picture of a girl named Stacy, who is a skinny brunette girl. She is depicted taking a picture of herself in the bathroom mirror. Oddly enough though, there is a cartoon toilet superimposed on the photograph, over where the regular toilet in her bathroom would be) But…why the hell does she have a fake toilet in her photo?


BART: What?


RYAN: This chick, she has like, a fake, cartoon toilet photoshopped into her picture over where her real toilet would be. Look!


(Ryan shows Bart the picture)


BART: That’s really weird.


RYAN: No kidding. (Ryan turns the phone back towards himself) She’s really cute, but why would she do that?


BART: She must be hiding something.


RYAN: Like what?


BART: Either some guy is tied up in her bathroom, or she has a really terrible looking toilet.


RYAN: Hmm. (Ryan swipes right, and Tinder tells him it’s a match) I guess I’ll find that out. She does look good, though. (Ryan looks up) Bart, do you have any late afternoon classes?


BART: Uh, I’m not sure. Why?


RYAN: I just want to know when I can masturbate.


(Cut to Ryan pulling up to an apartment complex near campus. Ryan gets out of the car and takes out a switchblade) Hope I survive this.


(Ryan heads upstairs and finds apartment 8B. He knocks on the door, and Stacy opens the door)




RYAN: Hey.


STACY: Come in! (Ryan comes in, and Stacy closes the door) I could’ve met at a Starbucks or something-


RYAN: No, here is perfect.


STACY: Perfect to do what?


RYAN: To, you know, do whatever. We can’t listen to music at a Starbucks unless it’s the War on Drugs or a Paul Simon tribute jazz ensemble.


STACY: I don’t know, I’m not really into music. You want something? Maybe a beer?


RYAN: Straight vodka in a bowl, if you have it.


STACY: Wasn’t going to go there first, but alright!

(Stacy smiles and walks into the kitchen)


RYAN: (Mumbling) Not into music, huh? I’m sure we’ll get along great.


(Ryan sits down. Stacy comes in with two big cups of vodka)


STACY: Sorry, all my bowls are dirty.


RYAN: That’s fine.


(Stacy hands Ryan the cup and sits down next to him)


STACY: So do you go to SUNY Plattsburgh?


RYAN: Yeah, I guess.


STACY: What’s your major?


RYAN: My major is mus- uh, it’s engineering.


STACY: What do you want to engineer?


RYAN: …Ingenuity.


STACY: Oh, cool, my uncle builds those! I’ve ALWAYS had a huge crush on him.


(Stacy starts making out with Ryan and unbuckling his pants. Ryan stops her for a second)


RYAN: Hey, sorry, could I use the bathroom before we start?


STACY: Silly, don’t cock block yourself!


(Stacy starts making out with Ryan again as she reaches into his pants and starts jerking him off. Ryan’s eyes are wide open. Cut to a scene from Ryan’s imagination. He walks into her bathroom to see a bunch of men tied up and gagged)


RYAN: HOLY SHIT!! (The door locks behind him and he pulls on the knob, desperately trying to get out) LET ME OUT OF HERE, PSYCHO BITCH!!!



(Stacy starts blasting the True Detective season 2 theme song)




(A cartoon toilet floats into the picture, laughing maniacally at Ryan)




(Ryan screams. Cut back to reality, where Ryan is getting sucked off by Stacy. Ryan looks panicked)


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: C’mon Donahue, you can stay hard. It’s not real, there’s not evil cartoon toilet and there are no bound and gagged men-oh, that’s perfect, if you want to stay hard, think about the bound and gagged men!


(Stacy takes her mouth off Ryan’s dick and looks at him)


STACY: Are you kidding me?


RYAN’S INNER MONOLOGUE: Wow, I’m already soft, aren’t I?


RYAN: Uhhh…


STACY: I’m not gonna be your beard, if that’s what you want.


RYAN: I should go.


STACY: Yeah, maybe you should.


(Stacy stands up, and Ryan pulls up his pants and buckles them)


RYAN: Sorry.


STACY: I will not be posting a positive Tinder Yelp review.


RYAN: Is that a thing?


STACY: Yeah, some guy named Oliver Mulvaney made it. (Ryan furrows his brow, and then shakes his head and leaves. Stacy knocks on the bathroom door) Gromlin, are you hungry?




(Cut to Laura and Mr. Pullman speaking with Chief Warren as the police take away bruised, bloodied black anonymous members behind them)


LAURA: Was that REALLY necessary, Chief Warren?


CHIEF WARREN: They were trespassing, Ma’am.


LAURA: This hotel is open to the public.


CHIEF WARREN: You called us, ma’am.


LAURA: Yeah, because they were being disruptive, but you didn’t have to beat the hell out of them! They weren’t even resisting!

CHIEF WARREN: You don’t know that, ma’am. These guys are from anonymous. They could’ve been hacking me on their phones for all we know. It’s why we stole their phones.


LAURA: You stole their-?!


MR. PULLMAN: Laura, relax. These men are doing their jobs.


LAURA: You don’t get it sir, that was police brutality, now the protests are just gonna get worse!


(Jacob comes over)


JACOB: Laura, the protests are getting worse!


LAURA: How much worse?


JACOB: A Presidential candidate is getting involved!

LAURA: Oh God. It’s not Trump, is it?


MR. PULLMAN: Please say it’s Trump.


LAURA: Really?!

MR. PULLMAN: Laura, I’m only human.


JACOB: It’s some old, bald white guy with buck teeth, he says he’s running for President, I know, he might just be a crazy homeless guy.


LAURA: No, that’s Bernie Sanders! He represents us in the Senate, and he’s running for President! And he’s had problems with Black Lives Matter before, what is he doing out there?!


MR. PULLMAN: Jacob, go see and report back to us.


JACOB: Yes sir!

(Jacob goes outside the hotel to see Bernie Sanders at a podium speaking to the Black Lives Matter protestors)


SENATOR SANDERS: The police brutality we have seen at this hotel is unacceptable! (Cheers) We must live in a world where the various races can live in harmony, not in a world where whites get a complimentary mint under their pillow and blacks get nothing but a crushed saltine cracker!



SENATOR SANDERS: Uh, yes. (The crowd explodes with anger) I know! I know! It is an egregious double standard! (The crowd calms down a bit) I know I have had my squabbles with Black Lives Matter in the past, but that is mostly because I am not used to African-Americans. I grew up in Vermont, and we didn’t learn about blacks until sixth grade. There was an in-class activity where they would give us felt and tell us that’s what a black person’s hair feels like. But now that I’m running for President, I have to be prepared to be President of all people. And I think I am. I mean, I marched with Doctor King for Christ’s sake. So I will say with absolute certainty and without reservation, BLACK LIVES MATTER!!


(The crowd cheers)


JACOB: Oh God, they’re not going anywhere.


SENATOR SANDERS: Thank you so much, Vermont!

(Senator Sanders walks away from the podium, and Jacob goes over to him)


JACOB: Senator, we really think you should join us in a press conference to hail our new commitment to racial equality and our condemnation of the police brutality that has taken place here!

SENATOR SANDERS: Get away from me, I can’t be seen with you.


JACOB: Senator, we just want to reach out to the black community, we agree with their concerns!

SENATOR SANDERS: But then I’ll be siding with the enemy! Did you see the way they rallied around me just then?! I haven’t had that many black people on my schmeckel since my bar mitzvah’s after party.


JACOB: What the hell kind of synagogue did you attend, man?


SENATOR SANDERS: They practiced reform reform reform Judaism.


JACOB: Just, please, Senator Sanders, I’ll do anything.


SENATOR SANDERS: What could you possibly do for me?


JACOB: …I have an idea.




JACOB: When is the Vermont primary, Senator?


SENATOR SANDERS: It’s on Super Tuesday, March 1st I think.


JACOB: You’re gonna win that anyway, Senator. You don’t need the black votes here, you need the black votes in swing states. Like Ohio.




JACOB: You have to lead these black voters, like Moses, away from our hotel, all the way to Ohio, where they can settle down and be useful to you.


(Senator Sanders’ eyes light up)


SENATOR SANDERS: I have always wanted to be like Moses.


JACOB: Then lead them away, Senator.


SENATOR SANDERS: But what makes you think they’ll follow me? An elderly, frail Jew with a heavy Bronx accent?


JACOB: Come on, where’s that Bernie Sanders I’ve known for five minutes and loved? You could sell fire in Hell! You could sell water to a whale! You could sell good business ideas to Jay-Z!


SENATOR SANDERS: You’re right. (Senator Sanders shakes Jacob’s hand) Thank you young man. Do I have your vote?


JACOB: T-totally.


(Senator Sanders nods and goes to the podium)


SENATOR SANDERS: Excuse me! Excuse me! Could I have your attention, please?


(The Black Lives Matter protestors start paying attention to Senator Sanders)




SENATOR SANDERS: Please, let me have your attention. I believe that the real story of the Black Lives Matter movement is in Cincinnati. Samuel DuBose was killed by police there, and we must MARCH! WE MUST MARCH EIGHT HUNDRED MILES TO CINCINATTI TO DEMAND JUSTICE! And perhaps you guys could take up residence there as well! LET’S GOOOOO!!


(All the protestors cheer and Senator Sanders starts leading them away. Jacob smiles and goes back inside to see a shocked Laura and Mr. Pullman)


LAURA: Where the hell are they going?!


JACOB: I convinced Senator Sanders to lead them all to Ohio, so they could take up residence there and it could aid his chances in 2016.


MR. PULLMAN: Dear God. You corrupted Bernie Sanders?!


LAURA: They thought no one could do it. But all it took was a lowly bell hop.


JACOB: He’s a politician. Of course he’s corruptible.


LAURA: No, not Bernie Sanders. He was seen as the incorruptible exception. The prophecy predicted that the Incorruptible One could only be corrupted by a magical buffalo trainer. But, that prophecy writer was on peyote when he wrote that, so this seems much more believable.


MR. PULLMAN: I can’t believe it. You corrupted Bernie Sanders to save this company. That shows incredible loyalty, and skill. I’m promoting you to middle management!


JACOB: …What?


LAURA: Wait, sir-


MR. PULLMAN: Calm your tits, Laura, he’ll still report to you.


LAURA: Don’t talk about my tits, please.


JACOB: Are you serious?


MR. PULLMAN: I’m dead-ass.


JACOB: What does that mean-?


MR. PULLMAN: I’m serious. I am promoting you to assistant Hotel Director of our Hansbay property.


JACOB: Jeez, are you sure I’m ready?


MR. PULLMAN: Son, you just convinced a major Presidential candidate to lead a mob of protestors eight hundred miles away. I think you’re ready for anything. As long as it’s not higher than middle management at a hotel.


JACOB: Well, this is all such a shock! But, I accept!


(Jacob shakes hands with Mr. Pullman. And Laura smiles)


LAURA: You earned it, kiddo.


JACOB: Thanks. But what will become of Senator Sanders and all those protestors?


MR. PULLMAN: I’m sure they’ll be juuuuuust fine.


(Cut to Bernie Sanders leading the mob of protestors by the side of a major highway. Bernie is wearing his glasses, looking at a map)


SENATOR SANDERS: Okay, I think we’re on I-87 South, but I’m not positive-


PROTESTOR: Just ask somebody!




PROTESTOR 2: Just use Google Maps, Bernie! Christ!


SENATOR SANDERS: I don’t trust it! (Two protestors are seen passing notes) Hold on! (Senator Sanders walks over to a protestor with a note in his hand) What’s that you have there?


PROTESTOR 3: Nothing.


(Senator Sanders snatches the note out of the protestor’s hand and reads it)


SENATOR SANDERS: “This old man doesn’t know where the hell he’s going”, okay, new rule! NO PASSING NOTES!


(Cut to Ryan driving one afternoon)


NPR: This is NPR. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush has gotten in hot water recently for using the slur “anchor baby”, which seemingly referred to the children of undocumented immigrants, who obtain citizenship upon being born in the United States. After backlash, Governor Bush clarified that he was talking about Asian people, not Mexicans. Many observers questioned Governor Bush’s strategy in this instance. Instead of appealing to the savvy, modern racist who is fearful of Mexicans, Bush appears to be appealing to old school, 19th century racists who fear “Chinamen” will steal their jobs and sell tainted tiger’s blood as cough medicine to poor white children. In other news, stocks plunged around the world yesterday morning in reaction to record low oil prices and concerns about the Chinese economy. This China-fueled hysteria on the markets is already being called “black Monday” or as Jeb Bush would put it, “Yellow Monday”.


(Ryan pulls into a parking lot, and turns off his car. He gets out and sees a handsome Hispanic teenager getting out of his own car. The teenager waves, and Ryan walks over to him)


RYAN: Hey.




RYAN: Diego, right?


DIEGO: Yeah.


RYAN: Good, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t a choir boy for this church over here, trying to save my soul.


(Diego giggles)


DIEGO: No, I’m not. But since we will be doing this in a church parking lot, we should be discreet.


RYAN: Right.


DIEGO: So, the back of your car then?


RYAN: Yeah, for sure.


(Diego and Ryan get in the back of Ryan’s car, and start making out. Eventually, Ryan starts unbuckling his own belt, but Diego stops him)


DIEGO: Wait.


RYAN: What?


DIEGO: There’s something I should tell you.


RYAN: What is it? You don’t have HIV, do you?


DIEGO: What? No! It’s just that, well, after I matched with you on Tinder, I looked you up on Tinder Yelp. And I found a pretty negative review.


RYAN: Oh, God. What did it say?


DIEGO: It said your dick don’t work.


RYAN: No, no, no, my dick DO work! I swear it do!


DIEGO: Then why would she say that?


RYAN: Because well, I couldn’t get aroused around her.


DIEGO: She seemed pretty attractive to me. And I don’t even play for that team.


RYAN: Trust me, that picture is not her. She’s actually…a dude.


DIEGO: Really?!


RYAN: Yeah. Total bait and switch. I had to get out of there. So I guess he wanted to get revenge


DIEGO: That’s so weird, because, she posted a video reviewing your dick.


(Diego holds up his phone to show a video of Stacy in her bedroom, talking to the camera with a photo of Ryan next to her)


STACY: “This dick ain’t free” said a wise man from Compton. But Ryan, age 20’s dick should be. Because it’s as satisfying as the stale mints you get at an optometrist’s office. And it has as many red stripes, I swear his veins look like they’re painted on just to make it look throbbing when it’s really limp as loose leaf.  Swipe left on this guy if you know what’s good for you.


(Diego pauses the video and puts his phone back in his pocket)


RYAN: Listen, she’s not a guy, I’m sorry for lying, but look, I just wasn’t interested in her. And honestly, my mind was on other things. If you really believed this girl, you wouldn’t have come here.


DIEGO: Well…I just thought you were too cute to pass up.


RYAN: Cool. You’re super cute too. So why don’t you find out what my dick can do when it puts its mind to it?


(Diego giggles and goes down on Ryan, as Ryan leans back, with his eyes closed. Cut to half an hour later. Ryan and Diego are sitting in the back of Ryan’s car, and Diego’s head is resting on Ryan’s lap)


DIEGO: …I was surprised you weren’t panicking about that Tinder Yelp review….


RYAN: My reputation’s already really bad, so that’s just a drop in the bucket.


(Diego giggles)


DIEGO: So you’re from Vermont?


RYAN: Yeah.


DIEGO: How do you like New York?


RYAN: It’s just as fake as the place I just came from. People still walk around like they’re not dying inside. And they fill that void with endless Starbucks and Netflix.


(Diego giggles)


DIEGO: I was gonna suggest we watch True Detective Season 2 together, but I guess not.


RYAN: Well, that’s not Netflix, that’s HBO Go. But still, I don’t want to watch that.


DIEGO: Is it bad?


RYAN: Vince Vaughn just doesn’t, work. It makes me think HBO is going to cast Michael Richards and Wayne Brady next season just to be different. (Diego laughs) And they’re gonna investigate a hate crime.


(Diego sits up and looks at Ryan)


DIEGO: Oh, I like you. (Diego starts making out with Ryan again, but then pauses in between) I was just looking to hook up with a rando, but I think I want to see you again.


RYAN: Me too. I live here, so it should be pretty easy.


DIEGO: When does school start for you?


RYAN: August 31st. You?


DIEGO: Same.


RYAN: And where are you going?


DIEGO: Clinton Community College.


RYAN: Awesome. Then we could do this again.


DIEGO: Wait, are you gonna leave me?


RYAN: Uh, yeah, I probably need to. There’s a mandatory dorm meeting pretty soon.


DIEGO: Come on, just ten more minutes?!

RYAN: …Okay, sure.


(Diego smiles and puts his head back on Ryan’s lap. Ryan plays with Diego’s back. Suddenly, they hear people marching. Diego shoots up)


DIEGO: Is someone coming?!

(Ryan looks out the back window and sees Bernie Sanders leading those black protestors, and they’re all arguing with each other)


RYAN: Uhhhh, yeah, looks like it.


(Cut to Ryan, Bart, and a bunch of other dorm residents in the common room at Whiteface hall. Zak and a chubby guy in a polo are speaking to them as a group)


CHUBBY GUY: Hi everyone, I’m Liam, I’m the building manager, and the purpose of this meeting is to outline the rules here at Whiteface Hall. First and foremost, just recognize that quiet hours start at 10pm and end at 10am, so be respectful of that. Also, please do not slam the doors, it is very annoying and inconsiderate to your fellow residents. In addition, remember to fill out the inventory form on the SUNY Plattsburgh website so we can know what condition your dorm was in at the beginning of the year and at the end of the year.


RYAN: (Whispering to Bart) I live a rock n’ roll lifestyle, so just put down that the dorm was destroyed when we got here.


LIAM: You might notice there are no locks on the bathroom doors. That is New York state law, for the protection of residents. (The students groan) I’m sorry guys, but there were a few instances of students being locked in a bathroom from both sides over Winter break, so they got rid of the locks. You should be lucky the nanny state didn’t require that you piss the doors open. Furthermore, if you are not 21 or older, you may not consume or store alcohol in your dorm.


STUDENT: What if you’re twenty-one but your roommate is fifteen?


LIAM: There-there should be no fifteen years olds living here.


STUDENT: Sorry, I meant to say boyfriend.


LIAM: We’ll discuss that after the meeting. Any questions? (Silence) Okay, Zak, go ahead.


(Zak wipes his brow and clears his throat)


ZAK: Hey, man, you didn’t leave hardly anything for me to say!


(Zak nervously laughs)


LIAM: Oh. Sorry.


ZAK: It’s whatever, I’ll just wing it. Um...don’t smoke or vape in the building, that will result in a hefty fine if you are caught.  (Ryan gets a text, and he checks it as Zak’s talking fades into the background. The text is from Diego and it says “I miss you. I wish I could see you tomorrow”. Ryan smiles and texts back “me too. But we’ll see each other soon enough. <3”. Then, Diego responds with a cartoon picture of two graves next to one another. One grave says “Diego Dominguez, 1997-2077” and the other one says “Ryan Donahue, 1995-2077”. Ryan’s smile immediately goes away, and he looks concerned. Cut back to Zak speaking to the group) And remember guys, the showerheads are fragile, try not to take more than two showers a week. (Pan to the college students Zak is talking to, they’re literally all on their phones. Pan back to him. He looks as if he is repressing intense anger) …Great. Great Kumbaya. There’s cake and ice cream in the back, so feel free to…oh, fuck it.


(Zak leaves, and then Liam shrugs and leaves. Cut to Ryan lying in his dorm bed, texting with Diego. Diego has said “we should talk on the phone” and Ryan responds “I’m actually really tired. But I’ll call you tomorrow”. Diego responds “L L L come on!!! Just for five minutes at least!” Ryan rolls his eyes and texts back “sorry, I’m just exhausted. Goodnight”. Ryan then lies down and closes his eyes. Cut to Ryan shooting up awake in the morning, with a gasp, as his phone’s alarm goes off. He looks over and turns his alarm off. He has three missed calls from Diego)


RYAN: Oh, God, what have I done?


BART: (Offscreen) Faggot!

RYAN: Excuse me?


(Pan over to Bart playing video games on his PC with his Logitech headphones on)


BART: Stop TKing, faggot!!




(Cut to Ryan on his computer, watching the YouTube footage of Virginia TV News journalists Allison Parker and Adam Ward being shot to death on live television. He is crying as he watches it. Cut to Ryan standing outside Whiteface Hall, holding a flask. A short white kid walks over to him)




RYAN: Oh, hi. You’re my suite mate, right?


SUITE MATE: Yeah. I’m Triston.


RYAN: Ryan.


(Ryan and Triston shake hands)


TRISTON: Awesome, nice to meet you, man! (They retract their hands) What are you doing out here? With a…flask?


RYAN: I don’t know, I just needed some fresh air and a drink. Did you see the footage of that shooting in Virginia? The news crew who were shot to death on live TV?


TRISTON: Yeah, I did. It’s horrific.


RYAN: And the NRA expects us to live with this? Fuck them.


TRISTON: No kidding.


RYAN: I’m just glad I haven’t gotten numb to these tragedies. I don’t want to lose my humanity. I just wish I was numb to everything else.


(Ryan takes a swig from his flask)


TRISTON: …What happened?


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I met up with a Tinder date last night, just for a hook-up, and now he’s really attached. Like, REALLY attached. And now I’m regretting all the things I said to him.


TRISTON: What’d you say?


RYAN: All this stuff about…the future, and seeing him again. I’d like to think I was just trying to match him, but…I think I was just interested in a rebound. You know?




RYAN: I just got out of two relationships.


TRISTON: Were these relationships consecutive or simultaneous?


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Simultaneous.


TRISTON: Got it.


RYAN: I don’t know, what should I do? He’s really clingy- I mean, SHE’s really clingy.


TRISTON: It’s fine, Ryan.


RYAN: What’s fine? Her ass? You bet it is.


TRISTON: Come on.


RYAN: I’m just bi, not gay.


TRISTON: Ryan, just tell him you think you two are going too fast, and you aren’t interested in a relationship. And once you’re done, throw that flask away, and come up to the ninth floor and play Smash 4 in the common room, because I want you to be there with us. ‘Kay?


RYAN: …Sounds good, man.


(Triston nods, pats Ryan on the back, and then walks toward Whiteface Hall. Ryan takes out his phone and texts Diego “Sorry I think we’re moving too fast, so I got anxious and regretted a lot of the things I said to you. Let’s just let what happened stay where it is”. Ryan then puts his phone away. Ryan then hears his text ring go off. He checks the phone, and sees Diego texted back “Thanks for wasting me time, limp dick” and then he texts “whoops my**” immediately after. Ryan looks at this and smirks) Wow. He’s so angry, he briefly developed an Irish accent.


(Ryan shakes his head and walks into the building as “Alright” by Kendrick Lamar begins playing. Cut to Ryan, Bart, Triston and other dorm residents playing Smash 4 in the common room. Cut to Jacob coming into his apartment as Renee sits on the couch, breast feeding Kyle. Jacob sits next to Renee and kisses her head, and then kisses Kyle’s head. Cut to Ryan, Triston, Bart and a tall, light-skinned black guy all hanging out in Triston’s dorm. The black guy and Triston are battle rapping one another, as Ryan and Bart look on, laughing. Cut to Jason, Jason’s mom and Jason’s little brother on a boat going down the San Antonio River. Jason breathes in the fresh air, and smiles. Cut to Kristel showering, looking very depressed. She gets out of the shower and puts on a towel. She goes into her living room to see Elias sitting on her couch smoking a cigarette. Kristel walks over and sits next to Elias, putting her head on his shoulder. He hands her his cigarette and she takes a drag off of it as they watch TV. Cut to Ryan in his dorm room, which is very dark. His face is illuminated only by the glow of his laptop, as he titles a Word document “’Smeared Portrait’ by Depraved Hallway Fern”, as the song ends. Cut to black)



Submitted: August 27, 2015

© Copyright 2022 NEONETWORK. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:

Facebook Comments