The Donahues Episode 230

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan’s squad engages in a Civil War with the Boone Crew over a Doritos ad contest, Madeline falls for the scam of an unscrupulous preacher and Kimberly and Luke have trouble adapting to their newfound wealth

Submitted: October 19, 2015

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 19, 2015









“A King looks out a broken window in the midst of a field of rubble and worries for the future of his Kingdom”

  • Sean Byrne


(We start with Professor Hayward lecturing to Ryan and the rest of his “World History Since the 16th Century” class)


PROFESSOR HAYWARD: Historians offer refer to the period of time between the late 16th century and the early 18th century as the “General Crisis of the 17th century”. Now why do they call it that? Well, there was a lot of instability and widespread conflict during this time. For instance, the English Civil War broke out in the mid-17th century. Civil Wars rocked France during roughly the same period. The Thirty Years’ War climaxed in the Holy Roman Empire.


RYAN: (Whispering) Still not as turbulent as my life…


PROFESSOR HAYWARD: What was that, Ryan?


(Ryan looks around)


RYAN: How did you hear that? I whispered so softly.


PROFESSOR HAYWARD: I guarantee that this time was more turbulent than your life, Ryan.


RYAN: Really? Well, did the King of France get dumped by his girlfriend only to dump his boyfriend like two weeks later?


PROFESSOR HAYWARD: No, because then the King would probably have been executed.


RYAN: Then my point stands. (Cut to Ryan walking to the elevator at Whiteface while listening to his iPod. Someone taps him on the shoulder and he turns around to see Colleen Diamond) NO!


(Ryan takes out his headphones)




RYAN: My God, what are you doing here?


COLLEEN: I go here now!

RYAN: I thought you went to Penn State!


COLLEEN: I did, but then Trey transferred here, so I followed him, like a puppy- (Colleen giggles) but then we broke up like three weeks ago. And I found out where my dorm is two weeks ago. Apparently it’s here!


RYAN: Well, good for you on that, I guess. What are you studying here?


COLLEEN: I’m undeclared. Thinking about becoming a Stewardess, though


RYAN: Uhhh…look’s like the elevator’s here!


(The elevator opens)


COLLEEN: Cool! I’m going up.


RYAN: Right, of course you are.


(Ryan walks into the elevator with Colleen, and the door closes)


COLLEEN: We have so much to catch up on.


RYAN: Like what?


COLLEEN: We haven’t seen each other in over a year, dude, there’s a lot!

RYAN: Do tell.


COLLEEN: Well, for instance…I got so drunk over the weekend.


RYAN: Is that right?




RYAN: What happened?


COLLEEN: I just, drank so much.




COLLEEN: Just kept drinking and drinking.


(The elevator stops on the third floor, and the doors open to reveal a pack of hipsters)


RYAN: (Whispering) Oh no, the Boone crew.


COLLEEN: The Boone Crew?


DIRTY BLONDE TALL HIPSTER: That’s us. (They walk onto the elevator, and the door closes) Name’s Darren Boone. And this is my crew. S’up Ryan?


RYAN: Hey Darren.


DARREN: Wait a minute. Are you that girl we got drunk with on Saturday?


COLLEEN: Oh my God, I think I might be!

RYAN: Makes sense.


BLACK HIPSTER: Do you remember us?


COLLEEN: Yeah, I think I saw you guys between my brownout and my blackout!


(The Boone Crew laughs)


DARREN: That’s hilarious.


COLLEEN: Yeah, at first I thought you guys were the gatekeepers of Hell, but none of you took me across the River Styx.


DARREN: More like the river DICKS!


(They all laugh and high five)


RYAN: (Whispering) This is a really long elevator ride.


COLLEEN: You guys are funny! Want to come to my room?






(Darren presses 8 real quick, and the elevator stops there)


DARREN: Let’s see it.


COLLEEN: Okay, but just know that my roommate doesn’t remember how you guys held her hair back while she was vomiting. (They get out of the elevator) So don’t mention it.


DARREN: Does she remember us cutting most of her hair off-


(The elevator door closes)


RYAN: The rare hybrid of douchebag and hipster, all in a pack. Come to think of it, that doesn’t seem that rare.


(The elevator arrives at the ninth floor, and Ryan steps out and puts his ear buds back in and heads back to his dorm. As he arrives at his dorm, he looks directly across the hall to the door which says “Herein lies the home of the #BooneCrew- If we’re being loud, just shoot us a text and we’ll quiet down-just don’t expect us to refrain from distributing that number to society so mob rule can deal with you”. Ryan shakes his head and enters his dorm room. Cut to Kimberly in an empty, large office in an office building. Laborers are putting down carpet in the room. Kimberly is wearing a hard hat, supervising them)


KIMBERLY: Come on guys, we don’t have all day.



KIMBERLY: Wait, are you allowed to talk to me like that?




KIMBERLY: No, I’m seriously asking-I don’t know the protocol here.


(Luke comes in with a tray of crumpets and Doritos)


LUKE: I have snacks for you guys.


KIMBERLY: Is that allowed?


LUKE: What do you mean? Anything’s allowed, we’re rich!


KIMBERLY: Relax, we’re barely rich.


LUKE: Our company’s size doubled, Kim. Why do you think we moved offices?


KIMBERLY: Are you saying there’s no rules?


LUKE: Not when you have dosh, Kimberly. I’m even allowed to have one of these things.


(The camera pans down to reveal Luke is on an electric unicycle)


KIMBERLY: Jesus, I’m not sure I want to be rich.


LUKE: I don’t know why, but whenever I leave this thing alone, it keeps running away by itself. And it always winds up at college campuses.


KIMBERLY: This just feels so weird. Having this affluence.


LUKE: This is just the beginning, sister. Once we get married, we’ll have tax breaks that will allow us to have even more money.


KIMBERLY: And then what?


LUKE: That’s it. But just because our money stagnates, that doesn’t mean our status has to. We should join a Country Club.


KIMBERLY: Oh God no, trust me, Mayor Sarandon, may he rest in peace, had Ethan and I join one of those two years ago, and it was a disaster.


LUKE: But now you have a suave Brit on your arm, rather than a jackass and Mayor Sarandon.


(Kimberly chuckles)


KIMBERLY: Yeah, well…this Country Club better not be full of former Scott Walker supporters and current reluctant Fiorina supporters.


LUKE: No, everybody will be very, bordering on condescendingly, concerned for the welfare of the less fortunate.


(Cut to Luke and Kimberly walking in a parking lot, except Luke is on his electric unicycle)


KIMBERLY: For the love of Christ, get off that thing. You look like a British Rosie The Robot.


LUKE: Shit, I don’t want to look like the help. Let me get off this thing.


(Luke jumps off it and the electric unicycle drives away)


KIMBERLY: Where’s it going?


LUKE: It’ll come back. It always does.


(Cut to Luke and Kimberly in the Country Club, speaking with a middle aged couple wearing polos and shorts. They are drinking wine while in front of a fireplace)


MAN: Did you hear about the AMTRAK train that derailed in Northfield?


KIMBERLY: Yes, I did.


MAN: That is why I don’t take public transit.


WOMAN: Greg, that is a great point. Quite frankly it serves them right for trusting public transportation.


KIMBERLY: They probably don’t have a choice but to take public transit.


GREG: I worked hard to get where I am today, they should too.


LUKE: You look so familiar to me, do I know you from somewhere?


GREG: I used to work at the 7-11 on Wesley.


KIMBERLY: Then how did you get your fortune?


GREG: Violet, tell them.


VIOLET: We’re really good at winning the lottery.


KIMBERLY: You’re…you’re really good at winning the lottery?


GREG: The best there is.


KIMBERLY: So you criticize these AMTRAK people for not getting ahead, when you didn’t work hard at all to get your fortune, you just got lucky!

GREG: We worked hard! We were scratching tickets every day, grinding down pennies to their core elements! And then selling the copper off for crack money.


LUKE: Wow. You realize pennies aren’t made of copper anymore, right?


GREG: Shit, then someone got screwed over.


VIOLET: How dare you criticize us anyway! It’s not like you guys came from much! I swear I saw you passed out on your lawn once!

KIMBERLY: I was sun tanning!


VIOLET: You were using a newspaper as a blanket!


LUKE: Well, it was the Wall Street Journal! What kind of rag did you use, the Chicago Sun Times?


KIMBERLY: Wait a second.


LUKE: What?


KIMBERLY: Come over here.


(Kimberly and Luke walk away from Greg and Violet, and go to a corner of the room)


LUKE: What is it?


KIMBERLY: Jesus, what are we becoming?


LUKE: Those two are assholes, don’t worry about them.


KIMBERLY: But to them, we’re assholes.


LUKE: Yes, despite their stupidity, they are capable of subjective experiences. But we’re not assholes.


KIMBERLY: You just touted the Wall Street Journal, Lucas.


LUKE: Oh my God, what is happening?


(Cut to Madeline walking on campus at NEIT. She has a Dixie cup of water in her hands)


MADELINE: …I should get a bagel at Einstein’s-


PREACHER: (Offscreen) Planned Parenthood is a genocidal organization!




(Pan to a Preacher speaking over a microphone near a crosswalk. A multitude of people are watching him speak)


PREACHER: Congress wants to defund them because they are wiping out an entire generation of children! Perfectly good children that could be put to better use as advertising demographics, cheap labor and Republican Party voters! (Madeline walks over to watch the preacher) Meanwhile, we have tyrants in Washington who are crushing religious freedom by requiring us to watch gay people sword fight, or how over they reproduce.


MADELINE: Excuse me, what gives you the right to tell ME what I can do with my body?


PREACHER: God has given us all the right to determine what you can do with your body, ma’am.


MADELINE: By “us all”, you mean men right?


PREACHER: That’s what “us all” means. I mean, come on, buy a dictionary. Specifically, buy my dictionary for 14.99- (The preacher holds up a book entitled “The Dictionary of a good, God-Fearing Man- with a foreword by Josh Duggar”) or for free if you agree to wear a barrel in front of everyone.


MADELINE: With a foreword by-


PREACHER: That’ll be removed in the 2016 Edition. The point is, in this dictionary, the definition of marriage is- (The preacher opens the book and reads it aloud) “The union of one man and his woman. Noun. A parasitic relationship, am I right fellas?” That’s the verbatim definition.


MADELINE: That is complete bullshit, listen, you can practice whatever faith you want, but don’t try to impose your religious beliefs on the rest of us! There is a separation between Church and State, you know!


PREACHER: Then why have 43 of the last 44 Presidents of this country been Christian?


MADELINE: Oh my God.


PREACHER: Religion is a way for this country to keep its moral compass alive! And every pro-choice person in America has BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS!


(People boo)


MADELINE: I don’t like abortion any more than you do, sir, but women have the right to decide what to do with their own bodies! Plus, if you illegalized abortions, women would be going to underground doctors working in unsafe conditions, and those women could die!


PREACHER: Well then maybe they shouldn’t be sluts!


(People boo, and Madeline gets very angry)




(Madeline throws her Dixie cup at the preacher)





PREACHER: SHE ASSAULTED ME!! (The preacher laughs) Finally!! Robin, get over here!

(A guy with a video camera walks over)


GUY: Got it all on tape, Hank!


MADELINE: What the hell is going on?! You filmed that?


HANK: Yeah, and you assaulted me! We’re going to sue the ba-Jesus, our Lord and Savior, may Grace be upon His name, out of you!


MADELINE: Oh my God, you’re nothing but a scam artist!


HANK: Shut off the camera, Robin.


(Robin closes the camera)


MADELINE: You’re just trying to provoke people so that they can assault you and you can make money off of it!


HANK: That is ridiculous!

(A Rabbi walks over)


RABBI: No, it’s true! I saw you preaching Islam in Tel Aviv last year!


HANK: Yeah, and I got a lot of money after that guy blew my leg off! (Hank knocks on his leg and you hear a metallic clink) I even got this nice, pent house apartment in the West Bank. (Hank clears his throat) Anyway, then I converted once I saw the light of Jesus. And all that shit. You’ll be hearing from our lawyers, Misses…?


MADELINE: Madeline Donahue. Fuck, why did I tell him that?


HANK: See you in court.


(Hank smiles and walks away with Robin. Cut to Madeline arriving at her apartment. She takes out her cell phone and calls someone. Cut to Ethan watching CNN in his apartment. They are showing footage of Russian missiles being launched from the Caspian Sea)


WOLF BLITZER: What you’re watching is footage of Russian cruise missiles being launched at Syria from the Caspian Sea. This footage was released by the Russian Government, and they say the missiles struck ISIS. However, U.S. intelligence maintains that the missiles hit Syrian rebels instead. Russia has launched this offensive to protect the Assad regime, a regime that Russia says is the only thing keeping ISIS from taking over Syria.


ETHAN: Holy shit, we’re in a proxy war with Russia. If only Reagan were here to see this. He would…probably not know what was going on because of the Alzheimer’s, I guess.


(Vitenka walks in)


VITENKA: What’s going on?


ETHAN: Look at what your benevolent leader is doing. He’s fighting the rebels to protect Assad, and he’s not even fighting ISIS!


VITENKA: He probably is just saving ISIS for later when he personally wrestles them to death.


(Ethan’s phone rings, and he picks it up)


ETHAN: Hey Maddie, what’s up?


MADELINE: (On the phone) Dad, I’m in trouble.


ETHAN: Maddie, I love Kyle, but I don’t want another grandchild right now.


MADELINE: No! Jesus, not that.


ETHAN: Then you’re no in trouble. Are we done here?


MADELINE: I’m being sued.


ETHAN: By who?!


MADELINE: Some preacher I threw a Dixie Cup at. He’s a scam artist who was trying to provoke people to attack him on campus! And they got it on tape.


ETHAN: A Dixie Cup? Maddie, I know lawyers that got a blind man off for driving through a school for the deaf. I’ll get you represented.


MADELINE: Thanks, dad. Because I feel pretty intimidated. That elderly nun who lives next to me stared at me especially intensely today.


ETHAN: I’ll sue her!!


MADELINE: Dad, relax.


ETHAN: Yeah, sorry, don’t get lawsuits on my mind. I have a problem.


(Cut to Ryan, Triston, Bones and Bernard eating at Whiteface Café. Ryan seems distracted, nervous, fidgety and high on something. They are all eating something, except for Ryan)


TRISTON: So I saw the albino squirrel on campus today.


BONES: Shit, really?


TRISTON: Yeah, and then I got like an 80 on my stats test. So I guess the legends are true, the albino squirrel does help test grades.


BERNARD: What the fuck? That doesn’t mean shit, you probably just did well because you studied!


BONES: Bernard, stop bitchin’!


TRISTON: I don’t know, Ryan, what do you think about the albino squirrel?


(Ryan’s looking away)


RYAN: Yeah, yeah, it works.


BONES: Ryan, you ain’t even paying attention.


RYAN: Nah, dude, I’m engaged in this conversation. The albino squirrel and shit, he doesn’t exist.


(They all look at each other, and then look back at him)


TRISTON: Ryan, are you high?


RYAN: I killed that squirrel, man.


BERNARD: We should just move on. Did you guys hear about that car outside of Delta Phi Epsilon that got set on fire?


TRISTON: Yeah! What the hell was that, I heard a-


RYAN: Yeah, who knows? Maybe the person who owned that car sold someone fake ecstasy or something…


(They all look at him again. Then one of the café workers comes over)


CAFÉ WORKER: Several of our guests have asked that you leave.




CAFÉ WORKER: Because they think it’s weird that he’s not eating anything.


TRISTON: Why would-


CAFÉ WORKER: At least give him something to do.


(Cut to Ryan, Triston, Bernard, Bones, some Hispanic dude and a white girl in Triston’s dorm)


WHITE GIRL: So, there’s this contest that Doritos is holding. Basically, you have to film a Doritos Super Bowl commercial, submit it, and if they approve it, they will give you the budget to re-shoot it so it can air at the Super Bowl.


BONES: What do we win, Millie?


MILLIE: A million dollars.




MILLIE: After taxes, it’s 750,000.


BONES: Oh, fuck that shit then.


TRISTON: Yeah, it’s not worth it.


RYAN: I don’t know, you could buy a lot of kerosene with that.


TRISTON: What is wrong with you?


BONES: And why wouldn’t you spend it on drugs?


TRISTON: Bones, don’t encourage him.


RYAN: Because I need to stop doing drugs dude! And I need to set fires instead.


HISPANIC GUY: We need to do this shit, dude. We could do an ad where it’s like, some guy is in front of a blank canvas, and he’s eating Doritos, and he accidentally streaks the Dorito dust across it, and it becomes like the most valuable art piece in the world.


(They chuckle. Then, the Hispanic guy and Millie make out for a solid ten seconds while everyone looks around uncomfortably)


RYAN: …Or we could do a thing where a black guy is pulled over by a cop-


BONES: Yikes.


RYAN: And the black guy’s like “I got something for you, officer”, he gets out of the car, and the cop pulls his gun- (Ryan mimes pointing a gun) and the black guy reaches for something in his coat, and the cop shoots him, and then goes over and discovers all he had in his coat was a bag of Doritos.


(Bernard laughs)


BERNARD: That’s pretty good.


TRISTON: No, it’s not!

BONES: Yeah, man, that’s messed up.


RYAN: It’s provocative! You have to get people’s attention! (Someone knocks on the door. Ryan goes over and opens the door to see the Boone Crew) Oh, hey guys.


DARREN: Hey, we just wanted to say, don’t bitch if we’re loud in our dorm right now because we’re filming a Doritos commercial.


TRISTON: Wait, you guys are in the Doritos contest too?


DARREN: You guys are?




DARREN: Does your ad have a guy’s face melting off?


RYAN: We haven’t settled on an idea yet. Your ad has a guy’s face melting off?


DARREN: Tell ‘em, Miles. (Miles, who is a black in a fedora, comes to the front of the Boone Crew) Get behind me, Miles.


MILES: Oh, sorry.


(Miles gets behind Darren)


BONES: I thought your name was Carl.


MILES: I go by Miles.


(Bones looks confused)


DARREN: If you want to get technical, though, his name is Nungabishu.


MILES: It’s not. Anyway, we have a guy’s face melting off after he realizes he can’t eat just ONE Dorito without eating the whole bag. It’s like an avant garde piece.


DARREN: But don’t worry, we also have sex appeal.


(Colleen comes out from behind the group)


COLLEEN: Finally, my big break!


DARREN: As long as Colleen stays below the weight required for a female member of the Boone Crew, she can sexily eat Doritos in the last frame before shattering into a million glass pieces.


COLLEEN: I’m so ready for Thursday’s weigh-in.


RYAN: So fucked up.


DARREN: May the best crew win.


(Darren smiles and the Boone Crew leave, and Ryan shuts the door, and turns to them)


RYAN: We can’t let the Boone Crew win, guys. I hate that guy.


TRISTON: But we don’t even have an idea yet, and they have a production crew and shit. What do we have?


(Pan over to the Hispanic guy holding Millie while they trade kisses back and forth)


BONES: Shit, that’s not something we have!


RYAN: No, it could work. Sex sells. Does that work for you, Diego?


DIEGO: For sure. Especially since I don’t allow Millie to get cake from Whiteface café after dinner.


MILLIE: It’s to keep me slim and trim.


DIEGO: No, it’s mostly about health.




DIEGO: Now I’m gonna go out for a smoke, okay baby?




DIEGO: Be right back. (Diego and Millie make out for a bit, and then Diego goes over to Ryan, mimics punching him in the balls) Could’ve happened.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting next to some rich people at the country club. They are all holding champagne, and seem to be having a great time)


RICH MAN: Yeah, I thought Vermont was the best place to raze My Children’s Play Center and build my second home.


LUKE: Sorry, what?


RICH MAN: I razed My Children’s Play Center, a daycare that I had demolished to make room for my second home.


LUKE: Is that right?


KIMBERLY: Well, sacrifices must be made to serve the public interest.


LUKE: Kimberly.


KIMBERLY: I don’t know what’s happening to me. Are my blood vessels supposed to look black like that?


RICH MAN: Don’t worry honey, that’s just a very dark navy blue. The black blood doesn’t come until much later.


LUKE: Kim and I were wondering, Wesley, if there were any charity organizations that the club was involved in that we could support.


WESLEY: Of course, of course.


KIMBERLY: Because this is really fun, and I don’t want to give this up just to sleep at night.


WESLEY: We donate to Heifer International, Habitat For the Homely and Chafee for President, 2016.


KIMBERLY: Okay, Heifer International! I’ve heard of them. They help impoverished villages become self-sustaining, right?


WESLEY: Yes, but that’s not the Heifer International I’m talking about. This organization kidnaps cows from Indian streets, slits their throats and tosses them in ditches so that they don’t create a traffic hazard in the very devout areas of India.


LUKE: My instincts as a human are to be repulsed, but as a Brit, I rather like it.


KIMBERLY: Oh, lord.


(Cut to Madeline, Ethan and Micah watching the Democratic Presidential Debate on CNN in Madeline’s apartment. Bernie Sanders is speaking)


SENATOR SANDERS: Let me say, let me say something that may not be, great politics. But I think, the Secretary is right. And that is that the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails!


(The audience laughs and applauds)

SECRETARY CLINTON: Thank you! Me too! Me too!

(Secretary Clinton laughs)


ETHAN: Wow, Bernie, you had a chance to go for Hillary’s jugular and instead you went for the jugular of modern technology! Just like when I texted my dad telling him Aunt Bertha died and he replied by asking whether the three dots he keeps on saying means his phone is broken.


MADELINE: I like that Bernie is not just another politician, personally. He talks about the issues.


ETHAN: Hey, your brother managed to corrupt him. So.


MICAH: Let’s focus on your lawsuit. Throwing a Dixie Cup at somebody is not a serious offense, but if he alleges it was a hate crime, then his bounty becomes much larger.


MADELINE: A hate crime?! The fuck? Hate against who? Scam artists?


MICAH: Religious people. Religious freedom is a hot button issue right now, Madeline.


ETHAN: Not for these people- (points at the TV screen) but for real Americans, it is.


MADELINE: So how do we defend ourselves against those charges?


MICAH: We use something called the “fighting words” doctrine. It’s where-


MADELINE: I know what it is.


MICAH: Okay, well, it’s when you say something to provoke or incite hatred or violence intentionally-


MADELINE: I said I know what it is!


ETHAN: Madeline, please, let him man-splain it to you, it makes him feel important.


MADELINE: He WAS using fighting words, so I think that’s a good defense.


MICAH: Thanks, but can you let me explain it?


(Madeline sighs)




MICAH: So, fighting words are-


(Cut to Madeline, Micah and Ethan sitting across from Hank the Preacher and his camera man Robin in a conference room somewhere)


HANK: Who’s this shyster?


MICAH: Who are you referring to-


ETHAN: This is our lawyer, Micah Schultz.


MICAH: Yeah, but I’m not a Shyster. That family is mostly concentrated in New Jersey. Trust me, the Shysters and I go to Synagogue some times.


MADELINE: Where’s your lawyer, by the way?


HANK: I only need one lawyer.


MADELINE: Oh, dear. Is it Jesus?


HANK: No, even better. Mike Huckabee.


ETHAN: What?


(Mike Huckabee comes in and sits down, causing Ethan and Madeline to gasp)


MADELINE: Oh my God!


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: You two discriminated against this man due to his fervent, angry religious beliefs. What do you have to say for yourselves?


ETHAN: Listen, Governor, I believe in the cause, but-


(Governor Huckabee takes off his jacket and dims the lights in the room as he stands up)




(Huckabee rolls his sleeves up)


ETHAN: B-but, she was being provoked! It’s the fighting words doctrine!


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: You wanna hear fighting words? Let’s have a fight, bro-seph!


MADELINE: I am pretty incensed by those words, but not for the reason you want.


(Governor Huckabee puts a cigarette in his mouth and lights it)


ETHAN: You can’t smoke in here.


(Governor Huckabee takes a drag and shines the lamp light on Ethan)


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: And you can’t tell me what to do in here, big boy.


MICAH: Governor, this is not an interrogation. You’re supposed to represent these two men, although to my knowledge, you’re not a lawyer.


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: I’m not. But I know the law. And I know that fighting on these two men’s behalf will make me President. And get me into Heaven.


(Madeline stands up)


MADELINE: You are NOT going to blow this out of proportion! And I have a better chance of becoming President than you do, jackass!


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: Oh, I think you’ll see what we’ve done will be QUITE convincing to the jury. Hank. Take off your shirt.


MADELINE: Hank, don’t do that.


(Hank stands up, takes off his shirt to reveal three backwards sixes carved into his chest)


MADELINE: My God, man! Those sixes are backwards!

GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: As far as the jury knows, you did that to him-wait, what? (Governor Huckabee looks at his stomach) Damnit, Hank, I told you not to do that in the mirror!


HANK: NO! You said that you would buy me a better mirror! One that didn’t make it look backwards!




(Governor Huckabee puts the cigarette out on Hank’s chest)





HANK: What do you know about Jesus, you shyster?!


MICAH: He was a construction worker, right?


GOVERNOR HUCKABEE: Let’s go. You screwed the whole thing up.


(Governor Huckabee, Hank and Robin leave)


MADELINE: …So hey, we won!


ETHAN: Yeah, I guess so. Let’s go out and celebrate.


MADELINE: There’s this great vegan place on Sojourner Boulevard-


MICAH: Can we celebrate somewhere that ISN’T a college town?


ETHAN: We totally can!


MADELINE: I have class tomorrow though.




(Cut to Ryan, Millie, Triston, Diego, Bones and Bernard brainstorming in Ryan’s dorm room)


TRISTON: How about this? It’s 1504, and Da Vinci is painting the Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa is eating Doritos, and the dust is on her teeth, and that’s the reason she doesn’t show her teeth in the painting?


DIEGO: That’s tight, dawg.


BERNARD: Yeah, I like that.


BONES: Were Doritos around in the 1500s?


RYAN: Let’s not get carried away, Triston. People might not get an art reference like that. Not everyone is an art major.


TRISTON: It’s the most recognized painting in history, Ryan. You know, you haven’t come up with any ideas, you just keep shooting ours down.


RYAN: Can you blame me? I’m tryna make sure I get the largest share of the money. And I didn’t contribute to any of these ideas, so why would I get any share of the money?


TRISTON: Is this just about money to you?


RYAN: Yes! I’m not passionate about anything but. Don’t you get that?


TRISTON: I don’t get why you’re being so honest about it.


BONES: What if we did an ad with like a mythical creature that we make up? Or something?


DIEGO: Like who?


BONES: Maybe his name is…We Wee Chief Indian or something.


RYAN: Wow, kind of offensive-


BONES: And he demands a bag of Doritos, otherwise he’ll curse you with a cocaine addiction.


RYAN: And dark.


TRISTON: We’re not doing that.


MILLIE: If we’re going to go with my sex appeal, then we should do a thing where Diego is a secret agent, and I’m his sexy side kick. And we’re going to stop a super villain from launching all the world’s Doritos into the sun, or something like that.


RYAN: Oh, I like that!


TRISTON: Me too, me too, but we’ll need a nice car.


RYAN: We can just go to the Champlain Centre Mall and film it in one of those display cars.


MILLIE: Cool! We’ll go write the script.


(Diego nods)


RYAN: Good job, Millie. (Millie and Diego leave, and Ryan grabs Triston by the shoulders) We need to kick that bitch out of the squad, dude.


TRISTON: Oh my God, you’ll get a cut. How about this? You can be the secret agent. Now you’re an integral part of the advertisement.


RYAN: Thank God. It’s probably good too, I don’t think America is ready for a Hispanic secret agent.


(Cut to Ryan and Millie in the front seats of a 2016 Lexus 250 at Champlain Centre Mall. Ryan is in a suit and Millie is in a black dress. Triston is filming while Diego, Bones and Bernard watch)


MILLIE: Are you ready, Triston?


TRISTON: Yeah, you guys can go ahead on one, two, three- GO!

(Triston presses record, and Ryan screams)


RYAN: You startled me!

TRISTON: Okay, just, go ahead.


(Ryan clears his throat and puts on sunglasses)


RYAN: If we don’t stop President Trump from launching those Doritos into the sun, the world may never be the same.


MILLIE: I don’t understand what Doritos was thinking, having illegal immigrants pick the chips for them.


RYAN: Yeah. Illegal immigrants like him.


(Ryan points to Diego, who points at himself and raises his eyebrows)


DIEGO: What? I’m not in this.


TRISTON: Speaking of not in this…


(Pan over to the Boone Crew walking over with camera equipment. Ryan and Millie look behind them)


RYAN: Holy shit. What are they doing here?


DARREN: Hey! WE were gonna use that car!


BERNARD: Too bad! We got it first!


DARREN: Oh, this will not stand.


(Darren runs over and jumps on the back of the car. Ryan presses on the gas pedal, even though the car is off)


RYAN: HE’S RIGHT ON MY ASS, MILLIE!! (Darren opens the door to the backseat and jumps into the back seat) HE’S INSIDE MY ASS, MILLIE!!


DARREN: And I’m about to tear that ass up!

TRISTON: Jesus, what is going on?


(Darren takes out a Bag of Doritos and opens it)


MILLIE: He’s trying to make this HIS AD! SWERVE!


(Ryan “swerves” the stationary car, and for some reason, Darren is knocked onto his side by this)




BONES: This situation is getting out of control, I need to jump through the windshield to help the, like in GTA.


TRISTON: This is hardly a situation at all.


BONES: I have to follow Ben Carson’s advice and rush the shooter!


TRISTON: He has a bag of Doritos! (Darren gets up with a broken bottle of PBR in his hand) Okay, RUSH HIM! RUSH HIM!!


(Bones jumps on the hood of the car, distracting Darren momentarily)



(Bones climbs over the car and enters car through the back seat door, and he tackles Darren, as the broken bottle falls aside)




(Triston rushes over to film the back seat)






(Ryan turns around)


RYAN: Hey Wee Wee Chief Indian, can you also take addictions away?


BONES: NO BITCH! (Bones slaps Ryan) Darren, I got yo’ back!


RYAN: I thought you had my back!

BONES: I’m a bandwagon jumper, and it felt like Darren had the momentum at the time.


(Colleen puts her face up against the back window of the car)




DARREN: Whoa, that is not official!




(Pan over to a mall cop running over)


MALL COP: What the hell’s going on here?!


RYAN: Oh shit, we’re fucked.


MALL COP’S RADIO: Dispatch, we have an active shooter situation on the south side of the mall. All units respond.


MALL COP: Shit, I have to go!


(The Mall Cop runs away)


RYAN: Saved by America’s intractable gun violence problem.




(They all run away. Cut to the south side of the mall. A gunman is aiming his weapon at Ben Carson and a group of six people)


BEN CARSON: Listen, we don’t have to let this man kill us all. We can attack him. Raise your hand if you’re with me. (Nobody raises their hands) ...What about you, in the back?


OFFSCREEN PERSON: I was just stretching.


BEN CARSON: You were just stretching?


(Cut to Triston on his computer, with Ryan, Bernard, Bones, Millie, Diego and the Boone Crew looking at him)


TRISTON: I’m not exactly sure how I’ll edit this together, but it seems like we’re going to have a wonderfully entertaining Doritos ad no matter how I edit it.


DARREN: But who’s Doritos ad is it?


TRISTON: It’s all of our Doritos ad! (Triston stands up and puts his hands in the air) We can share the glory!


RYAN: Let’s talk money.


(Triston puts his arms down)


TRISTON: You suck my soul dry.


RYAN: How is it being split up?


TRISTON: We’re splitting it six ways.


RYAN: Ridiculous. 750,000 times six is like...


(They all look like they’re thinking)


BONES: 95,000 dollars!


RYAN: 95,000 dollars!


(Millie shakes her head)


MILLIE: That’s not it.


TRISTON: It’ll more than pay for your college, books.


RYAN: Oh, my college is completely paid for. I don’t have any loans.


(They all look at him)


DIEGO: I think I’m going to murder you.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke sitting on the couch, watching TV at their home)


KIMBERLY: It’s so weird, whenever Sanders talked about taxing the rich, I flinched. It’s like…it’s so contagious.


LUKE: That’s why I don’t think we should go back there anymore.


KIMBERLY: Absolutely agreed. Or we’ll end up like those greedy Wall Street people Hillary Clinton hates so darn much.


LUKE: Yeah, she really went in on them. I mean, sure, the other four candidates want to reinstate Glass-Steagall to make sure the banks don’t get too big, and commercial banks don’t affiliate with securities firms, but Hillary Clinton wants to march down there and tell them sternly to quit all their shenanigans.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, even if she did that, she wouldn’t be able to say no to their empty, sociopathic stares.


LUKE: Yeah. But what about Jim Webb’s empty, sociopathic stare?


KIMBERLY: Yeah, no kidding. The whole “I’ve killed before, I’ll kill again if you don’t vote for me” method he employed at the end was, disturbing to say the least.


LUKE: And for a Vietnam soldier, the dude bitches a lot. He spent half of his time complaining that he wasn’t being given enough time.


KIMBERLY: Sometimes you gotta complain your way to the Presidency. Speaking of bad performances though, how about Lincoln Chafee, huh?


LUKE: That poor bastard. When Bernie Sanders raised his finger to be called on to answer a question, I half expected Lincoln Chafee to go over there and serve him a gin and tonic.


KIMBERLY: The dude’s selling point was that he’s “never had a scandal”.


LUKE: Well, of course he hasn’t. I mean, that’s not for lack of trying. It’s just that even prostitutes refuse to sleep with him.


(Kimberly laughs)


KIMBERLY: And then Anderson asked him about why he voted for the repeal of Glass-Steagall. And he was all like “it was my first day, everyone else was voting for it, I didn’t even know who to sit next to in the Senate, you know how intimidating your first day in the Senate can be, am I right, America?”


LUKE: Yeah, we’ll never see that dude again. Because I don’t think he’ll ever get a ride out of Las Vegas.


KIMBERLY: Yeah. Well, I think we learned something today. Don’t be a rich asshole. Just be rich.


LUKE: Exactly.


(A butler comes over with two Margaritas)




LUKE: Oh sorry, I forgot to tell you, we have a butler now.




LUKE: Because I don’t know how to make Margaritas. Set them down, Pierre. (Pierre sets them down) Good boy.




LUKE: I mean, nice job, chap.


KIMBERLY: Why hasn’t he said anything?


LUKE: He’s mute.


KIMBERLY: You got us a mute butler?


LUKE: We’re trying to give back, right? Well, what’s more philanthropic than employing the disabled? Plus, he was cheaper.


KIMBERLY: Don’t say stuff like that, he’ll hear you.


LUKE: He’s mute.


KIMBERLY: That doesn’t mean he’s deaf!


LUKE: Yeah, but he can’t respond. Say, Pierre, could you make us hoagies?


(Pierre smiles and nods as he goes to the kitchen)


KIMBERLY: I don’t want a hoagie-


LUKE: You’re gonna want one once he’s done.


(Pierre stands on a chair in the kitchen)


KIMBERLY: But the carbs are ridiculous.


LUKE: It’s not an everyday thing for God’s sake.


(Pierre takes out a rope and ties it around his neck)


KIMBERLY: Who’s paying for those ingredients?


LUKE: We are! We just don’t have to do it!


(Pierre ties the other end of the rope to a kitchen rafter)


KIMBERLY: Then why can’t he make a kale sandwich?


(Pierre makes a jolly kick as pushes the chair aside and hangs himself. Cut to black)



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