The Donahues Episode 236

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Jacob and Renee get married, Bones and Triston try to convince Ryan to go to rehab and Ethan and Fiona attend an AA meeting

Submitted: January 28, 2016

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Submitted: January 28, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“PIT OF DREAMS”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“I know something is very wrong. The pulse returns, the prodigal son. The blackout hearts, the flowered news. With skulls designed upon my shoes. I can’t give everything away”

  • David Bowie

 

(We start with Bones sitting in his dorm room, talking on the phone)

 

BONES: Yeah. I knooooow. Momma, I love you, but I gotta go. No, I’m noooot. No, there’s not a “drug party” I need to get to. Momma, I need to get a textbook, I told you that. I’m sorryyy. I just really need to go. Okay. Bye. Yeeees, I remember. I’m not trying to ride the gravy train, I don’t even know what that means! I’m just gonna call dad, okay? I knoooow. Love you. Bye. Uh-uh. Yes. Uh-huh. Okay, bye. I knooow. (Pan over to Triston, who is sitting at his desk, staring with intense, widened eyes at Bones. He is clearly stressed out listening to this conversation) I knooooow.

 

(Cut to Bernard in his dorm room, playing a video game on his computer. Bones comes in with Triston)

 

TRISTON: Bernard!
 

(Bernard takes off his headset)

 

BERNARD: Fuck do you want?

 

BONES: Where’s Ryan?

 

BERNARD: He left like five minutes ago, he said he’d be back in a few minutes.

 

BONES: Was he drunk?

 

BERNARD: Yeah. Very.

 

BONES: Shit. You’ve got to make sure to keep him out of here because my dad is coming to drop off my Spanish textbook. And drunk Ryan plus my dad equals…well, I’m not a math major, but it seems like it’d be bad.

 

TRISTON: You know that’s not a math problem, right?

 

BERNARD: How am I going to keep him from coming back?

 

BONES: I don’t know, rub mayo on your breasts or something.

 

BERNARD: No. Fuck off.

 

TRISTON: You’re never gonna convince him to do that.

 

BONES: Just, come up with something, alright?

 

(Bones and Triston leave. Bernard sighs. Cut to Ryan sitting next to Mark Spadelli outside Whiteface Hall. Mark is smoking a cigarette and Ryan is drinking a small bottle of tequila)

 

RYAN: There’s just something about life that LITERALLY SCREAMS “kill yourself”.

 

MARK: Are you okay, bro?

 

RYAN: Yeah, I’m fine.

 

(Ryan takes a swig of his tequila)

 

MARK: How are you and your girlfriend?

 

RYAN: We’re gooooood. She’s a cool little southern chick. What about you?

 

MARK: Mine’s a short-haired Indie dyke.

 

RYAN: God, I want to be you. (Mark chuckles. Ryan stares into Mark’s eyes) I’m serious as fuck.

 

(Mark nods, takes a drag from his cigarette)

 

MARK: I’ll see ya around, man.

 

(Mark puts out his cigarette and begins to leave, but Ryan starts to follow)

 

RYAN: I gotta go too. Got homework and shit.

 

MARK: Right. (Ryan follows Mark into Whiteface. Cut to Ryan and Mark in the elevator. The elevator gets to the eighth floor) This is me.

 

RYAN: Hey, any time you want someone to keep you company when you smoke, I’m just upstairs.

 

(Mark exits the elevator and turns around)

 

MARK: …I think I might quit. Thanks though.

 

(Mark smirks and nods as the elevator door closes, and goes up to the ninth floor)

 

RYAN: …I want to be in him.

 

(The elevator door opens and Ryan stumbles out of it. Cut to Ryan stumbling into his dorm room. Bernard stands up)

 

BERNARD: Ryan!
 

RYAN: What? Huh? You never greet me when I come in. What’s your end game here, Brookhammer?

 

BERNARD: I just wanted to tell you, Zak set a mandatory floor meeting for…five minutes from now. We should go to the common room and wait.

 

RYAN: Alright, let’s go get Bones and Triston.

 

(Ryan opens the bathroom door)

 

BERNARD: No!

 

(Ryan turns to Bernard)

 

RYAN: Why?

 

BERNARD: Oh, I didn’t think this shit through.

 

(Ryan furrows his brow, shakes his head, and goes to Bones’ dorm room to see Bones, Triston and Bones’ dad, who is a darker-skinned black guy who is balding and has a mustache)

 

BONES: Oh, hi, Ryan. Can you give me a second?

 

(Bernard comes in)

 

BERNARD: (Whispering) I tried my best.

 

RYAN: Hey. Is this your dad?

 

BONES: Yep. This is Mr. Fleming.

 

(While looking down, Mr. Fleming extends his hand)

 

MR. FLEMING: (Deep-ish voice) Hey, what’s goin’ on, man?

 

(Ryan shakes Mr. Fleming’s hand)

 

RYAN: Not much, bro, how are you?

 

(Mr. Fleming lets go of Ryan’s hand)

 

MR. FLEMING: I’m-I’m fine.

 

RYAN: Mr. Fleming, what are you passionate about?

 

BONES: Oh God.

 

MR. FLEMING: I don’t-

 

RYAN: What do you do?

 

MR. FLEMING: …I’m a coach.

 

RYAN: That’s super cool! Coach me around! Teach me how to run the ball!
 

MR. FLEMING: Could you back up just a bit, man?

 

RYAN: I’m just interested in who you are as a human being, dude.

 

BONES: Ryan, what are you doing?

 

MR. FLEMING: I’m a grown-ass man, I ain’t tryna play with you right now.

 

RYAN: Why not?

 

BONES: Ryan, please stop.

 

RYAN: I should probably tell you there’s a mandatory hall meeting in like, three minutes. I don’t know what Zak is PMS-ing about, but he’s probably coming out. God willing.

 

MR. FLEMING: All your friends do is play, shiiiiit.

 

BONES: I’m sorry, dad. I think Ryan’s judgement is no good right now.

 

RYAN: I feel great.

 

MR. FLEMING: Any damn way, here’s your book. (Mr. Fleming hands Bones his Spanish book) I’m gonna go.

 

TRISTON: Have a good day, Mr. Fleming.

 

MR. FLEMING: You don’t know who the hell you talkin’ about.

 

(Mr. Fleming leaves)

 

BONES: Bye, dad.

 

RYAN: I’m gonna go nap before the meeting.

 

(Ryan passes out on the floor)

 

TRISTON: …Well, that was a disaster.

 

BONES: It wasn’t that bad. Most of his conversations go like that. It’s why he can’t get a job very easily.

 

(Cut to Mr. Fleming sitting across from a man in a suit in a job interview)

 

BOSS: So tell me about yourself.

 

MR. FLEMING: Man, I ain’t got time to be playing with you, I’m tryna get a job here.

 

(Cut back)

 

TRISTON: Regardless, I’m really concerned about Ryan.

 

BONES: I am too! Ever since we got back, he’s been drinking a lot.

 

BERNARD: He’s definitely an alcoholic.

 

TRISTON: Well, I knew that from the get-go. He has no food in his fridge, just booze.

 

BONES: To be fair, he does have a meal plan, so he doesn’t really need food in his fridge.

 

TRISTON: Yeah, well, he also petitioned the school to start selling booze in the cafeterias.

 

BONES: True.

 

TRISTON: So let’s think about how we’re going to get him help.

 

BERNARD: It’s his problem, not mine.

 

BONES: Aren’t you tired of having a drunken roommate?

 

BERNARD: Aren’t we going to switch anyway?

 

TRISTON: No, I’m moving into Pedro’s dorm now that Andy is gone, and then Ryan is moving into Bones’ room, and you’re going to be forever alone in your dorm.

 

BERNARD: Sounds fine to me. Just figure out all of this yourself. You know him better than I do.

 

(Bernard goes back into his room. Cut to Renee and Jacob sitting across from each other in their apartment. Renee’s jaw is agape as she holds Kyle in her hands)

 

RENEE: …Excuse my language, but are you serious right now?!

 

(Jacob clears his throat)
 

JACOB: You didn’t curse there, but anyway, yes, I am serious. And I know it’s sudden, and you may not like it, but it’s my calling.

 

RENEE: You’re going to abandon your fiancé and eight month old to go off to war?
 

JACOB: Whoa, I’m not going to war. I’m joining the army. I’ll be in basic training for a few months, and then I might have to go to a base in Europe or MAYBE Afghanistan. But that’s unlikely, because that war is winding down.

 

RENEE: But what about Syria?! What if they start sending troops, Jacob?

 

JACOB: They won’t. Sanders is eight points ahead of Clinton in Iowa, and if that guy gets in office, they’ll barely use people like me. Meanwhile, the military will take care of our family and pay our bills.

 

RENEE: But I want you HERE! Not on a European military base playing ultimate Frisbee or whatever the hell those soldiers do over there!
 

JACOB: Dodgeball, usually.

 

RENEE: Why would you DO THIS TO ME?! TO US?!

 

JACOB: Renee, darling, don’t-

 

(Renee stands up)

 

RENEE: How are we going to get married if YOU’RE OVERSEAS?!

 

(Jacob stands up)

 

JACOB: I thought about that. And I had an idea. We can get married tomorrow.

 

RENEE: No, I don’t want some rushed wedding by a justice of the peace! I want a REAL WEDDING, with our FRIENDS AND FAMILY THERE!! (Kyle starts crying) Shhhh…baby…

 

JACOB: Renee, we are having a real wedding with our friends and family there. And it’s happening tomorrow.

 

RENEE: How could that possibly be?

 

JACOB: I called in a favor from the Mayor. He’s eager to support members of the military for political reasons, apparently he mistook a female service member in a wheelchair for a drunk stripper. Anyway he got me to the top of the list for venues, caterers, photographers and planners. All the invitations are sent out.

 

(Renee shakes her head, and sits down)

 

RENEE: This is all way too fast.

 

(Jacob gets on his knees in front of Renee)

 

JACOB: Renee, I’m sorry, but this is what I want. I want to serve my country, and I want to provide for you two. I have nothing but a high school degree, so I don’t see a lot of other options.

 

RENEE: Yeah, there’s no way you could just go to college.

 

JACOB: Renee, let me ask you this. Did the man who invented “go to college” go to college?

 

RENEE: Please stop listening to Hopsin. His lines are not good.

 

JACOB: Renee, either you support my choices or you don’t. So I’ll ask you again, just like I did several months ago. Will you marry me? (Renee stares at Jacob for a while. Cut to Jacob wearing a tuxedo in a dressing room. He is staring at the mirror, trying to tie a bowtie) Shit, I need a YouTube HowCast ASAP.

 

(Beckett comes in, wearing a tuxedo)

 

BECKETT: Hey.

 

JACOB: What’s up, man?

 

BECKETT: Nothing, I just wanted to tell you how honored I am that you’ve made me your best man.

 

JACOB: Hey, you know, I know we had a falling out eight months ago, but that’s in the past now. I’ve forgiven you. Plus you’re the only person I could think of to fill the role.

 

BECKETT: Right. So, uh, listen. I want to be completely honest with you.

 

JACOB: About what?

 

BECKETT: …I have something to tell you.

 

JACOB: Just say it.

 

BECKETT: When you started dating Renee, I was very jealous and angry. We had known each other in middle school, and I had a crush on her. So, out of revenge, I kidnapped her pet tarantula, and I killed it.

 

(Jacob turns to Beckett, with his brow furrowed)

 

JACOB: …Beckett…I’m SO nervous already, for this wedding, and then you come in here and tell me that, and it’s like…how do you respect me to respond to that?

 

BECKETT: I just want you to know, there’s no secrets here.

 

JACOB: I wish you had kept that a secret. She loved that tarantula, you know.

 

BECKETT: I was in a rough spot, in my life.

 

(Jacob turns to his mirror)

 

JACOB: …Just….get the hell out of my dressing room.

 

BECKETT: …Okay. I’ll go get my Knight’s Suit of Armor on.

 

(Beckett turns to leave)

 

JACOB: Hold up.

 

(Beckett turns back to Jacob)

 

BECKETT: Yeah?

 

JACOB: Suit or armor?

 

BECKETT: Yeah. I have to be able to catch the bride if she runs away. That’s the job of a best man, you know.

 

JACOB: Yeah, five hundred years ago! Just keep the tux on, Jesus!
 

(Beckett nods and leaves. Cut to Ryan waking up on the floor of Bones’ dorm room, with saliva pooling around his mouth)

 

RYAN: …The fuck?

 

(Bones walks over)

 

BONES: Are you okay, Ryan?

 

(Ryan sits up)

 

RYAN: Oh my God, I have a terrible headache.

 

BONES: You’re probably hungover.

 

RYAN: No, it’s probably because my head hit the floor kinda hard.

 

BONES: …Because you were so drunk.

 

RYAN: Let’s not lose ourselves in petty details now.

 

(Bones helps Ryan up)

 

BONES: So I was thinking, Ryan, 2016 is gonna be our year.

 

RYAN: What do you mean?

 

BONES: It’s our year to shine, man. We can do anything. We can party. We can get girls. You can get guys.

 

RYAN: I have a girlfriend.

 

BONES: Yeah, but you always need a plan B.

 

RYAN: Yeah, so does she. I do not want to become like Jacob.

 

BONES: The point is, I think we need to write down a list of dreams we want to accomplish before the semester is out.

 

RYAN: …Like a dream journal?

 

BONES: I was thinking something less lame, like “hardcore G shit to do”. But I guess that works.

 

RYAN: Trust me, Bones, all my dreams end up just being…a pit.

 

BONES: A pit of dreams! That’s perfect!

 

RYAN: No, that’s not a good thing-

 

(Bones takes out a journal and a pen)

 

BONES: What’s the first thing in our pit of dreams?

 

RYAN: Uhhhh….I don’t know, get better grades.

 

BONES: It’s boring, let’s skip it.

 

RYAN: What do you want me to say?

 

BONES: Anything, no bad ideas.

 

RYAN: …I want to rob a grave, and then put everything back, except I want to make the skeleton his fingers.

 

(Bones nods)

 

BONES: Let’s put some ground rules forward.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Fiona in Ethan’s apartment. Ethan is drinking some coffee while Fiona gets ready in the bathroom)

 

ETHAN: Almost ready, Fiona?

 

FIONA: HOLD ON!!

 

ETHAN: Sorry.

 

(Ethan sips his coffee)

 

FIONA: I don’t want to look like a sloppy drunk at this AA meeting, okay?! I’m sorry if I want to take a second to get ready!
 

ETHAN: You’ve taken three hours.

 

(Fiona comes out caked in make-up, some of which is smeared)

 

FIONA: So do I look like a sloppy drunk?

 

ETHAN: …You look like you just came from a sorority party at Clown College. Also, you’re blouse is on backwards.

 

(Zoom out to reveal her blouse is on backwards)

 

FIONA: I have to start over, I guess.

 

(Fiona goes back into the bathroom. Ethan rubs his eyes, and then picks up Fiona’s purse, which is full of mini-bottles of schnapps)

 

ETHAN: Do you want me to empty all the schnapps out of your purse?

 

FIONA: Yes please! But keep one so I can have something to take my pills with!

 

(Ethan takes out a bottle of pills)

 

ETHAN: This is Plan B…you know I wore a condom last night!
 

FIONA: NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

 

(Ethan nods and puts her purse down. Cut to Bones and Ryan in Bones’ dorm. Bones is looking over their pit of dreams)

 

BONES: Okay, here’s what we have so far…

 

RYAN: Lay it on me.

 

BONES: Get laid.

 

RYAN: Yep.

 

BONES: Get sucked.

 

RYAN: Very important.

 

BONES: Get fucked.

 

RYAN: Integral.

 

BONES: Get closer to Mark.

 

RYAN: MUCH closer.

 

BONES: Pop a firework at a hospital-I feel like that’s cuttable.

 

RYAN: It’s not just YOUR dream journal, Bones.

 

(Bones sighs)

 

BONES: Get Bones into David Bowie.

 

RYAN: R.I.P.

 

BONES: Get Bones’ voter registration approved.

 

RYAN: Feel the Bern.

 

BONES: Ryan goes to church with me one day.

 

RYAN: Ugh.

 

BONES: Invent a new color.

 

RYAN: I don’t see how you think we’re gonna-

 

BONES: It’ll happen. Okay, next, perform a citizen’s arrest.

 

RYAN: Yes please.

 

BONES: Destroy the Boone Crew.

 

RYAN: For Good. I don’t remember why, but we’ll do it.

 

BONES: And finally, improve Bones’ diet.

 

RYAN: That’s right. No more chicken and fries.

 

BONES: That’s racist!

 

RYAN: But it’s all you eat! What do you want me to say?!

 

BONES: Well, if I have to change my habits, why don’t we change yours?

 

RYAN: What habits?

 

BONES: Your alcoholism! Obviously! What else would I be talking about?

 

RYAN: I’m not an alcoholic.

 

BONES: Look at that puddle of saliva on the floor.

 

(Pan down to Ryan’s saliva on the floor)

 

RYAN: What about it?

 

BONES: It looks brown like whiskey. Plus, it’s there because you passed out from being really drunk in the middle of the day.

 

RYAN: …Bones, have you ever been gnawed half to death by a horde of South American fruit bats that took the shape of a person?

 

BONES: …No?

 

RYAN: Well that’s what happened to me when I was forced to go to South America to find Elliott! It was VERY traumatizing!
 

BONES: I know, you’ve told me the story, but, alcohol consumption like this is only going to make your life worse. So how do you feel about AA?

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: The answer is always AA, isn’t it?

 

BONES: You know, there’s a REAL community for recovering addicts on the fifth floor of Whiteface B tower. It’s only the second in the country, after UNT.

 

RYAN: Well, hey, that’d be a good place to go when I become the plug.

 

BONES: Come on man, that’s messed up.

 

RYAN: What? You said that when I turned twenty-one in June, I could become the plug and we could make money buying alcohol for 18-20 year olds.

 

BONES: Yeah, but not alcoholics! I’m tryna get into Heaven up in this bitch!
 

RYAN: Fair enough.

 

BONES: Will you at least consider going to AA or joining the addiction REAL community? Not for us, but for you?

 

(Ryan sighs)

 

RYAN: If I were to do AA…I don’t want to do it during the week. And I don’t want to do it in Plattsburgh.

 

BONES: Why not?

 

RYAN: …I suspect there would be too many familiar faces.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Fiona in the car. Fiona is driving, with Ethan in the passenger seat. It is snowing heavily outside)

 

NPR: Calls grow for Michigan Governor Rick Snyder to resign in the face of a scandal regarding Flint, Michigan’s lead tainted water. An investigation concluded that dereliction of duty lead to the mostly African-American residents of Flint being exposed to toxic levels of lead in their water.

 

ETHAN: He should resign. How hard is it to keep lead out of water? When I worked for Sarandon, he tried to play with the mercury in a thermometer, and I just took it away from him, it’s not that hard.

 

FIONA: The asshole should be in jail.

 

ETHAN: He’s dead.

 

FIONA: I’m talking about Snyder.

 

ETHAN: Oh. Yes. He should.

 

(Fiona pulls up to the Alcoholics Anonymous building, and they get up and walk into the building. They walk up to the receptionist)

 

FIONA: Hi, we’re here for the AA meeting.

 

RECEPTIONIST: Oh, you must be Ethan Donahue and Fiona Cadbury.

 

ETHAN: Wow, really?

 

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, the meeting is at the end of the hall. They’ve been expecting you.

 

FIONA: Thank you.

 

(Ethan and Fiona walk to the end of the hall, and go into a room where a bunch of people, including Ryan, are sitting in a circle)

 

ETHAN: Hol-y shit.

 

FIONA: What?

 

(Ryan looks up)

 

RYAN: …Dad?

 

ETHAN: I must have the wrong room, I’m here for the, for the “scolding alcoholics”…session.

 

THERAPIST: Then you’re kind of in the right room. But I hope you don’t do that. (The therapist stands up) Hi. I’m Frank.

 

(Frank extends his hand)

 

ETHAN: Uhh…

 

FIONA: Shake the man’s hand, Ethan.

 

(Ethan shakes Frank’s hand)

 

FRANK: Have a seat.

 

ETHAN: I think I should just leave-

 

RYAN: Don’t be a rude dude, dad. Have a seat.

 

FRANK: Oh. You’re his father?

 

ETHAN: Uh-huh.

 

FRANK: Well. This is exciting.

 

ETHAN: …I fail to see why.

 

FIONA: Sit down, Ethan.

 

(Ethan and Fiona sit down)

 

ETHAN: Ryan, what are you doing in Vermont?

 

RYAN: You don’t want to ask why I’m in AA?

 

ETHAN: No, that part makes sense, but not the Vermont part.

 

RYAN: Plattsburgh’s AA is too religious. I swear they were using leeches to suck the alcohol from your nipples. Why are you here?! I thought you didn’t have a drinking problem?

 

FRANK: And why did you think that, Ryan?

 

RYAN: Because he told me multiple times that he doesn’t have a drinking problem!

 

ETHAN: Well, I wasn’t aware YOU had one still.

 

RYAN: I have a life problem! But they don’t have programs for that!
 

FRANK: Yes they do. They’re called mental institutions.

 

RYAN: Well, we all know I wouldn’t last a day in one of those. I couldn’t get up that early. Although a place to wallow would be nice. How do people get committed typically?

 

ETHAN: Let’s move on.

 

FRANK: Yes, in fact, I think we should do some group therapy. Ethan, how does it make you feel that Ryan’s in here?

 

ETHAN: …Angry. We sent him to in-patient rehab two years ago, but it obviously didn’t do anything.

 

FRANK: And Ryan, how does it make you feel that your father is in here?

 

RYAN: I feel like he’s a hypocrite. For the thing that he said literally five seconds ago.

 

FRANK: Fair.

 

RYAN: I’m also confused as to why he’s with Fiona Cadbury right now?

 

FIONA: Your father and I are special friends.

 

ETHAN: Fiona, he’s twenty years old.

 

FIONA: Your father and I are fucking.

 

ETHAN: Roll it back a little bit.

 

RYAN: Ew.

 

ETHAN: I’m sorry about her.

 

FRANK: I think we’ve made a lot of progress today. Same time next week?

 

AA MEMBER: I haven’t spoken about missing my daughter’s birthday party yet.

 

FRANK: You’ve been trying to tell that story for weeks, Don, NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT!!

 

(Ryan and Ethan get texts at the same time, and they both check them)

 

RYAN: …What the hell is Jacob talking about?

 

(Cut to Ethan and Ryan at Jacob’s wedding. They are standing in a ball room. Ethan is wearing a tuxedo and Ryan is wearing his normal clothing)

 

ETHAN: You couldn’t have dressed up at all?

 

RYAN: I don’t dress up. At my funeral, make sure I’m lying in my casket wearing a Trapdoor Vulva shirt and skinny jeans.

 

ETHAN: Closed casket it is. (A waiter brings Ethan some wine in a glass) Thank you.

 

(The waiter nods and leaves)

 

RYAN: Oh, so YOU’RE allowed to drink?

 

ETHAN: Ryan, I’m cutting down. Tapering off. Not stopping completely. Meanwhile, you had Irish coffee this morning.

 

RYAN: Irish- (Ryan takes out a can of monster) Monster! It’s Monster with Whiskey and sugar.

 

ETHAN: Monster already has sugar! SO much sugar!
 

RYAN: That’s why you add more! It’s not hard to grasp!
 

(Ryan drinks a bit)

 

ETHAN: I’m just saying you don’t have the right to give me shit.

 

(Mayor Alexander walks over)

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: About what?

 

ETHAN: Oh, nothing. Say, can we talk somewhere, Evan?

 

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Sure.

 

(Ethan and Mayor Alexander walk away from Ryan and start walking towards the corner of the crowded ball room)

 

ETHAN: So my boy Jacob is finally tying the knot, attaching the hitch and putting the gun against his head. (Ethan laughs) Marriage, right? (Ethan forces Evan into a dark corner of the ball room, and begins whispering) Fiona is MINE now, you got that?

 

EVAN: What are you talking about?

 

ETHAN: Fiona and I are dating, so you two can’t fuck around anymore.

 

EVAN: Ethan, I’m a happily divorced man, these are hefty accusations, I mean, Fiona is with Patrick.

 

ETHAN: Not anymore. She’s with me.

 

EVAN: (Whispering) Well, she should know that she’s never getting DICK this powerful again. Unless she fucks the City Manager. They’re kind of reorganizing the system right now.

 

ETHAN: No more. If I catch you with her, you can guarantee you won’t be elected for a full term of your own come November.

 

(Evan nods and Ethan walks away. Cut to Ryan speaking with Madeline, who is wearing a dress)

 

MADELINE: I just didn’t expect this so soon.

 

RYAN: I know, right? Like, me? I’m never getting married.

 

PETER: I sure am.

 

MADELINE: Shhh. What about Amber?

 

RYAN: I’d be fine with hanging out with her for the rest of my life. As long as it’s like a kickback.

 

(The Master of Ceremonies comes on stage wearing a tuxedo and holding a microphone)

 

MC: Attention, ladies and gentleman of the Donahue-Hendrickson wedding. The pre-wedding brunch and conflict development is wrapping up, we encouraged you to gather at the chapel where the happy couple will elope.

 

MADELINE: I guess we should head that way.

 

(Roger comes over)

 

ROGER: Do y’all think I should object?

 

RYAN: What? Of course not!
 

ROGER: You’re right, I’m sorry.

 

(Cut to Ryan, Ethan, Kimberly, Luke, Madeline and Peter sitting in the chairs of the chapel as the wedding is set up)

 

RYAN: I don’t know, Maddie, I’m supposed to become involved with this addiction REAL community at Whiteface, but all those guys are probably just a club that likes to share funny drug abuse stories. And a club that wants to make new ones.

 

MADELINE: I understand, Ryan, but you can’t go on like this. You have to try something.

 

PETER: Let me tell you brother man, getting a job helps. My life was in shambles. No job. No home. Only one sock to call my own.

 

MADELINE: You still only have one sock.

 

PETER: And you know what? Then I met Madeline and I got a job at the cryotherapy clinic she works at. That, Ryan, was my Savior.

 

ETHAN: Excuse me, there is only one Savior, and it’s not your job, it’s Jesus Christ!

 

RYAN: We get it dad, you’re a Rubio supporter now.

 

ETHAN: That was such a great line.

 

RYAN: Was “Bernie Sanders is a good candidate for President…of Sweden” a great line?

 

ETHAN: No, that was the political equivalent of a “not” joke. Swing and a miss, Senator.

 

(Cut to Sumner, in a tuxedo, walking Renee down the aisle. All the guests turn and watch as “Here Comes The Bride” plays)

 

SUMNER: (Whispering) I still have my reservations about you marrying a Lutheran, you know.

 

RENEE: (Whispering) Daddy, I don’t wanna hear this right now.

 

SUMNER: (Whispering) You know, Lutherans think they can just avoid Hell by being good people. Like it’s that easy. Please.

 

RENEE: (Whispering) Stop.

 

(Sumner brings Renee to the altar, where Jacob, Renee’s bride’s maids and Jacob’s best man is. Sumner kisses Renee and goes to sit down. A Priest walks over and stands before Jacob and Renee)

 

PRIEST: Hi, I’m Father Bugg. I’m kind of known as the “fun Priest” here at the church, so if you hear a bell ring, that means it’s time for a limbo contest. And you better be ready.

 

(The crowd laughs)

 

JACOB: Is that really a thing that might happen?

 

FATHER BUGG: All bets are off with Father Bugg.

 

JACOB: Can we not wait until after the ceremony?

 

FATHER BUGG: God doesn’t wait, sir.

 

(Renee furrows her brow)

 

RENEE: Could you not berate my fiancé?

 

FATHER BUGG: …Listen, I’m only fun if you’ve gotten a few in me. Right now I’m pissy, so let’s get this over with. (Father Bugg clears his throat) Dearly beloved. Today we gather here, before the Lord Jesus Christ, to witness the combination of two souls into one. Hope you got a prenup, am I right?

 

JACOB: You’re a dick.

 

FATHER BUGG: Do you, Renee Diana Hendrickson, take this, Jacob Nicholas Donahue-

 

ETHAN: Oh yeah, Nicholas.

 

FATHER BUGG: As your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and health, until death do you part?

 

RENEE: I do.

 

FATHER BUGG: Do you, Jacob Nicholas Donahue, take this, Renee Diana Hendrickson, as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and health, until death do you part?

 

JACOB: I do.

 

FATHER BUGG: You may kiss the bride.

 

(Jacob and Renee passionately kiss as the crowd stands up and erupts in applause and cheering. Cut to them walking down the aisle, waving at everyone. They get into a car outside that has “Just Married” written on the back window. The car pulls away as people applaud, into a very nearby parking lot. Cut to Ethan, Jacob, Ryan, Kimberly, Luke and Madeline speaking at the reception. Ethan is holding a whiskey in his hands)

 

ETHAN: That was incredible, son. I never thought I’d see the day.

 

JACOB: Where I got married?

 

ETHAN: No, I knew that would happen, but I thought it would be to that Kirsten girl.

 

JACOB: Oh man, that was a long time ago.

 

ETHAN: You know, if I had gotten married to my first high school girlfriend, your name would be Plethegro, and Ryan would be dead. She was in a cult.

 

RENEE: Ah.

 

KIMBERLY: She leaves dead turtles at our door to this day.

 

ETHAN: So it was a good decision to take your time. Not all of us can get love right the first time around. I wish you all the happiness in the goddamn world. But don’t become happier than me, because then I’ll resent you.

 

JACOB: Dad, I don’t think I can get much happier than you right now.

 

ETHAN: WAITER! (The waiter comes over, Ethan hands him the empty glass) Do this again, but more.

 

(The waiter nods and walks away)

 

RYAN: For real, congrats, brother.

 

JACOB: Thanks, bro.

 

RENEE: I look forward to getting to know my brother-in-law.

 

(Ryan smirks)

 

KIMBERLY: It was a wondrous wedding. So Renee, are you keeping your last name?

 

RENEE: Yes, I’m Renee Donahue now. It feels good to take my man’s name.

 

KIMBERLY: Oh. (Kimberly’s voice quivers) That’s g-great.

 

RYAN: Mom’s feminism is seething just below the surface, dying to be unleashed.

 

(Luke puts his hand on Kimberly’s shoulder0

 

LUKE: Shhhh, it’s alright.

 

KIMBERLY: I know.

 

LUKE: It was a great ceremony though, maybe better than Kim and I’s.

 

JACOB: …Well, if there’s one thing that your wedding didn’t have that mine does, it’s bombshells.

 

(Noah comes over in formal military wear)

 

NOAH: I heard bombshells. I can disarm them in eight seconds flat, you know.

 

JACOB: Noah, I’m glad you’re here. We have a little announcement for everyone.

 

NOAH: Oh. Right, that announcement. You know, they say a soldier never leaves a man behind. But I’ve got a thing at nine that I can’t reschedule. Congratulations, kid.

 

(Noah leaves in a hurry)

 

JACOB: Wow, what the fuck?

 

MADELINE: What is going on?

 

ETHAN: Yeah, what do you need to tell us?

 

JACOB: …I’ve joined the armed forces.

 

KIMBERLY: What?!

 

RYAN: Oh my God.

 

MADELINE: Excuse me?

 

(Ethan vomits on the floor. Peter comes over holding a shrimp)

 

PETER: I found something green on the shrimp and SOMEONE needs to identify it before I proceed!

 

(Cut to black)

 

THE END

 


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