“Mr. Speaker, point of order? Is it on hell that we are bent? When we live and die with petty arguments, but pass corruption by unanimous consent?”
- Sean Byrne
(We start with Ryan, Michelle and Brennan on a Subway in Washington DC)
MICHELLE: So, when do we know that we’ve gotten to our stop?
RYAN: They’re going to say so on the intercom.
BRENNAN: What if we don’t hear it?
RYAN: It’s right above us.
MICHELLE: What if they don’t say it then?
RYAN: They will, it’s their job.
BRENNAN: Then why aren’t they doing their job?!
RYAN: Because we haven’t gotten their yet!
MICHELLE: Well, when we miss the stop, we’re going to wind up in Virginia or something!
RYAN: Washington DC is in Virginia!
RANDOM SUBWAY PASSENGER: No, Washington DC is in Washington DC.
RYAN: Right sorry.
OTHER SUBWAY PASSENGER: Who’s this dumb motherfucker here?
RYAN: Dude, I said I’m sorry!
RANDOM SUBWAY PASSENGER: You think you’re better than me?
RYAN: No, but you obviously have an inferiority complex.
RANDOM SUBWAY PASSENGER: Do you know who the hell you’re talking to?
RYAN: I actually don’t.
RANDOM SUBWAY PASSENGER: I’m Alec Huff.
RYAN: Should I know who you are? What do you do?
ALEC: I’m a tour guide here in Washington.
RYAN: So, why did you expect us to know who you are-
ALEC: You know, for a fee, I’ll show you guys around Washington.
RYAN: We can’t afford a fee.
ALEC: Fine, I’ll do it for free, I could use some company.
RYAN: So sad, but fine, that’d be great.
ALEC: Great, that’d be fine.
INTERCOM: Arriving at Foggy Bottom, George Washington University.
(The subway stops eventually as people try to cram their way out. Once Ryan, Michelle, Brennan and Alec are out they walk towards the escalator. Cut to the George Washington University Inn lobby. Ryan, Brennan and Michelle are at the desk talking to the Asian woman receptionist)
ASIAN WOMAN: Hello, welcome to the George Washington University Inn. Are you guys here for GWU?
MICHELLE: No, we’re tourists.
RYAN: Whoa, no, we are not tourists.
MICHELLE: Why not?
RYAN: Tourists are people who go on vacation often or professionally, and also are at least twenty pounds overweight, wearing a Hawaiian shirt no matter where they go and taking pictures of anything and everything no matter how inappropriate or obnoxious it is.
ASIAN WOMAN: You mean like those people?
(Pan to a casket covered in an American flag near the entrance of the hotel with mourners in black suits surrounding it and a man and a woman obnoxiously taking pictures of the casket and laughing. Pan back to the front desk)
RYAN: Why is there a military funeral in the lobby of this hotel?
ASIAN WOMAN: I have no idea.
RYAN: Anyway, we’d like to check in.
ASIAN WOMAN: Okay, that’d be 300 dollars a night.
MICHELLE: Jesus Christ, let’s find another hotel.
RYAN: Michelle, this is the cheapest hotel in Washington DC.
MICHELLE: Well, that explains the homeless people, but Ryan, we only have one thousand dollars, how are we going to afford three-hundred a night?
RYAN: That’s a good question.
(A young guy with a slick haircut and a hoodie comes over)
GUY: And I’m the answer.
RYAN: Who are you?
GUY: I’m Tanner. And I have the answer to all your problems.
RYAN: I have a lot of problems, man.
TANNER: Fine, I’m the answer to your money problems. I sell vicodin, and I was looking to expand my business.
BRENNAN: You sell vicodin?
TANNER: Hell yeah.
MICHELLE: Isn’t that…illegal?
TANNER: Who cares?
RYAN: What if your customers get addicted to it or overdose and die?
TANNER: Why do I give a fuck? They paid me, didn’t they?
TANNER: Listen, are you in or are you out?
MICHELLE: …We’re in.
RYAN: Yeah, we gotta earn money somehow. And if selling vicodin is the only way, so be it.
TANNER: You have to watch what you say around here, love. Anybody can be listening.
RYAN: Did you just call me “love”?
ASIAN WOMAN: You guys realize I just heard that entire conversation, right?
RYAN: Anyway, we’re checking in.
ASIAN WOMAN: What are your names?
RYAN: I’m Zacky Vengeance, he’s Matthew Tuck and she’s Jeremy McKinnon.
ASIAN WOMAN: She’s Jeremy McKinnon?
ASIAN WOMAN: Okay then. You’re checked into room 113.
RYAN: Thank you.
ASIAN WOMAN: IDs, please? (Ryan, Michelle and Brennan immediately pull out fake IDs and show them to the Asian woman, who barely glances at them) Looks legit.
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Madeline in their living room with detectives Reynolds and Zimmerman sitting across from them)
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Mr. and Mrs. Donahue, it appears as though your son has run away.
KIMBERLY: Why would he do this to us?!
DETECTIVE REYNOLDS: It comes from a variety of different emotions and hormones we experience as teenagers. Angst, frustration and contradiction.
ETHAN: After what happened in April, why would he worry us like this?
DETECTIVE REYNOLDS: I don’t know, Mrs. Donahue, but the fact remains that this visit is courteous.
KIMBERLY: What do you mean?
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Your son has to be missing for more than forty-eight hours for it to be a matter for the Hansbay Police Department Missing Persons division.
ETHAN: Are you serious?!
DETECTIVE REYNOLDS: Unfortunately, yes. Fortunately however, this does appear to be a runaway this time and not a kidnapping.
JACOB: Can we contact you guys if he hasn’t come back by 10pm tomorrow?
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Absolutely.
MADELINE: Did he go alone?
DETECTIVE REYNOLDS: No, because we have also received calls from Mr. and Mrs. Reed and Mr. and Mrs. Sanford reporting that their children are missing. Your son appears to have packed his bags and run away with Michelle Reed and Brennan Sanford.
ETHAN: I see. Well, thank you, Detectives.
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: You’re welcome.
(Ethan and the Detectives shake hands; Detective Zimmerman shakes Kimberly’s hand for a few seconds longer than most, and then they both depart)
ETHAN: I can’t believe this. We’re going to be like sitting ducks here.
KIMBERLY: I know. It’s going to be hell.
JACOB: I’m going to fucking kill Ryan when he comes back.
MADELINE: How do you know he’s coming back?
JACOB: Because he can’t survive out there on his own. He can’t take out a light bulb for god’s sake.
MADELINE: You mean put in a light bulb?
JACOB: No, he can’t take out the light bulb.
MADELINE: That’s sad.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Brennan in their hotel room)
RYAN: This isn’t bad.
(Ryan goes to the window)
MICHELLE: What’s out there?
RYAN: We can see the Watergate from here.
MICHELLE: Why didn’t we stay there?
RYAN: Two reasons. It was too expensive and it’s not a hotel anymore.
MICHELLE: Wait, then there’s only one reason.
MICHELLE: You said there’s two reasons, but the first reason contradicted the second reason, because the hotel is not a hotel anymore, so how could it be too expensive?
RYAN: I’m not following.
MICHELLE: A hotel cannot be too expensive and at the same time not exist.
RYAN: I’m still not following.
MICHELLE: Jesus, never mind.
BRENNAN: Can we go sightseeing already?
MICHELLE: Yeah, call Alec.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Brennan and Alec walking up to the gates in front of the White House, where many other people are walking by and taking pictures)
MICHELLE: Wow, the White House.
ALEC: This is the White House!
BRENNAN: Thanks for that.
(Michelle, Ryan and Brennan go up to the bars and gaze at it)
BRENNAN: You could just imagine President Washington here, whipping a slave.
RYAN: Washington never lived here.
BRENNAN: Fine, you could imagine Paul Giamatti here, whipping a slave.
RYAN: Paul Giamatti played John Adams on HBO, he never actually served as President.
BRENNAN: You’re saying Paul Giamatti never went to the White House?
RYAN: I don’t know if he did or not, but if he did, he probably wasn’t whipping a slave while he was here.
BRENNAN: Just, let me finish.
BRENNAN: I could imagine Abraham Lincoln slipping his wife anti-crazy pills-
RYAN: That may have actually happened.
BRENNAN: And killing vampires.
RYAN: Okay, you lost me.
BRENNAN: I could imagine Franklin Roosevelt standing on the White House lawn-
RYAN: He had polio, he couldn’t stand.
BRENNAN: Just standing there, waving to the people, maybe doing a jig-
RYAN: He couldn’t stand!
BRENNAN: Fine! Jesus.
RYAN: What I could imagine is President Bush destroying the country here.
BRENNAN: Yeah, me too.
RYAN: Ooh! The secret service is leaving!
(Pan to the gate opening near the James Brady press briefing building. A secret service car is driving out of the gate as it opens. Ryan, Brennan and Michelle walk over there. A secret service agent is standing near the fence)
BRENNAN: Where are they going?
RYAN: Are they getting Columbian pussy?
SECRET SERVICE GUY: Hey! Have some respect. The vast majority of secret service agents did not participate in that scandal. The ones who did have been fired.
RYAN: I was just asking because there appears to be Columbian whores in the back of that car.
(Pan to the window in the back of the car, it indeed contains two Columbian whores)
SECRET SERVICE: Aw, goddamnit! CHARLIE!
(The secret service guy starts tapping on the car as it drives away)
CHARLIE: (In the distance) FUCK OFF, JUSTIN!
JUSTIN: That was-uh, just a coincidence.
(The gate gradually closes)
RYAN: It doesn’t matter if it was a coincidence or not.
MICHELLE: Hey Ryan, did you meet President Obama after the Hansbay Four thing?
RYAN: No, my family got to though when they were helping his national security team to rescue us.
BRENNAN: You know, we were the kidnapped ones; we deserve to get in there and meet the President.
MICHELLE: Yeah, we should see if we can get in there due to the circumstances.
RYAN: It happened three months ago.
BRENNAN: President Obama had a ceremony for the 1985 Chicago bears a quarter-century after they won the Super Bowl!
RYAN: Fine, I’ll see what I can do. But later! (Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Brennan looking at the Washington monument up close) Man, does that look tall.
ALEC: This monument amazed the Washington DC public, in 1884, and now the homeless man washing himself is more interesting.
RYAN: Yeah, I still don’t understand why they have that.
(Pan to a statue of a homeless man washing himself)
MICHELLE: Hey, look!
(Pan over to see an actual homeless man washing himself)
(Pan back to them)
ALEC: Not really. Would you like to go inside the monument?
ALEC: NO. Because it is closed indefinitely due to the 2011 Virginia earthquake.
RYAN: But I thought Washington DC wasn’t in Virginia.
MICHELLE: DC’s more like a parasitic worm on Virginia’s asshole.
ALEC: If I didn’t want company, I would beat all of your asses.
RYAN: Well, two of our asses.
ALEC: Yeah, I probably wouldn’t beat up Brennan.
RYAN: Wow, that’s not what I meant.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Brennan and Alec outside the Lincoln Memorial, looking over the national mall)
ALEC: As you can see, just like every goddamn road in the state of Texas, the reflecting pool is undergoing construction.
RYAN: Wow, it’s drained. Have any skate rats tried to shred through that shit?
ALEC: Well, former Senator John Ensign has.
(John Ensign walks over wearing a suit, wearing his cap backwards, a pair of skating shoes and holding a skateboard)
JOHN ENSIGN: Shred-ilicious, dudes!
(He runs off)
RYAN: How old is he?
ALEC: Fifty-four. He hangs around DC like that kid who was popular in High School and wants to re-live that time. It’s pretty pathetic.
MICHELLE: Let’s go see the Lincoln Memorial for god’s sake.
(They walk up the steps and go into the memorial area to see the Lincoln Memorial, in all its majesty)
RYAN: My lord.
(Ryan, Michelle and Brennan kneel down and avert their eyes from Lincoln’s majesty)
ALEC: What are you guys doing? Get up.
(They get up)
RYAN: It’s just so beautiful, I can’t even think of a snide remark to make about this beautiful statue.
MICHELLE: It’s truly majestic.
ALEC: Yes, it’s very nice. There’s a gift shop over there-
BRENNAN: Who gives a fuck about the gift shop, man? This statue is amazing; television does not do it justice.
ALEC: They have chocolates.
RYAN: Ooh, I want chocolates.
BRENNAN: Yeah, let’s get some.
(Michelle, Brennan and Alec walk off screen. Cut to Detective Zimmerman watching television at his apartment with his tie undone. He gets up and goes on his computer on his desk. He looks something up, then picks up his cell phone and dials a number. After a few seconds, someone answers)
ZIMMERMAN: Hello, is this AMTRAK?
AMTRAK REP: (On the phone) Yes sir.
ZIMMERMAN: Hi, this is Detective George Zimmerman with the Hansbay, Vermont Police Department’s missing persons division.
AMTRAK REP: Wait, George Zimmerman? You mean the murderer from Florida?
ZIMMERMAN: Yes, alleged murderer George Zimmerman somehow managed to escape from jail a day before he was supposed to be released anyway and go to Hansbay, Vermont and get a job as a missing persons detective.
AMTRAK REP: …So you’re saying you are George Zimmerman?
ZIMMERMAN: No. Well, yes, but not that George-
AMTRAK REP: You said yes!
ZIMMERMAN: It doesn’t ma-
AMTRAK REP: YOU SAID YES!
ZIMMERMAN: Tell me about any suspicious names that have bought tickets since July 4, 2012 at 10pm, please.
AMTRAK REP: One moment, I’ll put you on hold.
(The hold music plays, it’s “Down with the Sickness” by System of a Down)
ZIMMERMAN: Why would they-
(The hold music goes off)
AMTREK REP: Yes, three people by the names of Dixel Beff, January Jones and Cocktitty McHumpfuck bought tickets at approximately 11:30 pm yesterday.
ZIMMERMAN: Well, paint me blue and call me fuck.
AMTREK REP: What?
ZIMMERMAN: Where did they go?
AMTREK REP: To Washington DC.
ZIMMERMAN: Thank you, sweetheart.
AMTREK REP: Don’t call me that.
ZIMMERMAN: Sorry. Goodbye.
(Zimmerman hangs up. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michelle, Alec and Tanner meeting in front of a building)
RYAN: So, do you have vicodin we can sell?
TANNER: Absolutely. Like I said, I have to expand my business.
BRENNAN: Right. Should you really give us the vicodin in front of the-(Camera pans out to see a sign reading “Drug Enforcement Agency, Washington DC Field office”) DEA building?
TANNER: This is just a field office, the HQ is in Springfield.
BRENNAN: it’s just, out of all the buildings you could’ve picked-
TANNER: Listen, do you want the vicodin or not?
RYAN: Yes, we’ll take it.
(Tanner hands them a grocery bag full of Vicodin bottles)
TANNER: Sell that shit and we’ll split the earnings, 49%.
MICHELLE: Okay, so we’re not splitting the money.
TANNER: Right down the middle, 51-49.
MICHELLE: That doesn’t make sense, then we’re getting slightly less than you are.
TANNER: No, I’m getting 49%.
MICHELLE: Well, that makes even less sense.
RYAN: Can we go?
MICHELLE: Fine. Thank you, kind sir.
TANNER: You are welcome.
ALEC: Why was I included in this trip?
(They go their separate ways. Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Brennan at the MLK memorial.)
MICHELLE: What are we doing here?
RYAN: We’re here to admire the memory of this nation’s most impressive civil rights leader, Doctor Martin Luther King Jr.
MICHELLE: I realize that, but we just saw everything there is to see here.
RYAN: Oh. Well, now we’re here to do the one thing that still has millions of African-Americans enslaved: sell drugs.
MICHELLE: Wow. Who’s going to look for Vicodin near the MLK memorial?
RYAN: Anybody who knows what’s good for ‘em.
MICHELLE: Okay, now it sounds like a threat.
RYAN: Listen, this is Washington DC, it’s soggy with leftists who are just eager to try the next herbal supplement. I’ll just market it as that.
BRENNAN: Wow, that’s…illegal!
RYAN: Yeah, well, so is selling Vicodin on the street in the first place, so are we not violating laws now?
MICHELLE: Let’s just find people who want Vicodin.
RYAN: I know the perfect place!
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Brennan outside the Washington DC Holocaust Museum)
MICHELLE: Okay, this is just in bad taste.
RYAN: C’mon! It’s so depressing in there; they’re going to want to get high just to forget!
MICHELLE: This is Washington DC, where the central government is located, this is not a smart place to do anything illegal!
BRENNAN: Then why is there so much crime here? DC used to be the murder capital of America.
RYAN: Maybe it’s because all the police here ride Segways. (A policeman rolls by on a Segway) HEY OFFICER! IT’S NOT 2001!
(Hugh Laurie walks up to them)
HUGH LAURIE: (British accent) Hey, I was looking for some Vicky.
RYAN: Well, wait-are you Hugh Laurie?
HUGH LAURIE: NO! YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN FACE!
RYAN: I thought it was only your character who was addicted to Vicodin.
HUGH LAURIE: Well, they wanted the show to be realistic, so they went ahead and got me addicted to vicodin.
RYAN: Wow, that makes no sense, also, didn’t House end?
HUGH: Just give it to me! I have the pounds.
(Hugh gives him money and Ryan gives him vicodin. The “Old Dope Peddler” by Tom Lehrer plays as the following montage does. It cuts to Michelle selling a homeless man vicodin just outside the national archives. The homeless man tries to play his horn, but Michelle indicates that he should stop and just take the vicodin. Then cut to Brennan talking with a Senate page outside the Capital building. He hands him a bottle, and he takes it, and then sees Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in the background, telling him to come back. Brennan and the Senate Page go their separate ways. Then cut to Ryan giving a teenager vicodin outside the US State Department. The teenager hugs Ryan, making him uncomfortable, so he eventually pulls him off and shakes his hand and they go their separate ways. As the song ends, we cut to Michelle, outside the IRS building, walking up to a homeless man and offering him ecstasy)
MICHELLE: Hello sir, would you like- (The homeless man looks up) wait, have I met you before?
HOMELESS MAN: I believe we have met.
HOMELESS MAN: It was two and a half months ago at the Hot Topic.
MICHELLE: Oh Jesus.
HOMELESS MAN: Calm down now, I don’t bite.
MICHELLE: Really? Because that dead cat over there appears to have incision marks in it.
(Pan to a dead cat beside him with incision marks in it)
HOMELESS MAN: Well, I found this dead cat in the forest and I’m trying to nurse it back to health.
MICHELLE: But it’s dead.
HOMELESS MAN: Trust me sweetheart, I’ve read the Book of Mormon and I know what the Lord can do if he chooses.
(Ryan walks over)
RYAN: Michelle, have you interested this gentleman in our fine herbal supplement product?
MICHELLE: Please tell me you haven’t been marketing it as that.
HOMELESS MAN: We were just catching up; we met at Hot Topic back in Hansbay two and a half months ago. I think I saw you there, too.
RYAN: Oh yeah, you were the creepy homeless guy who said that you wanted to smell Michelle’s insides.
HOMELESS MAN: Smell them!
RYAN: That’s what I said.
HOMELESS MAN: Yeah, I was just emphasizing it.
RYAN: How’d you wind up here?
HOMELESS MAN: As the saying goes; “All homeless roads lead to Washington DC”.
RYAN: That’s not a saying, but honestly it should be.
HOMELESS MAN: Well, the story is, I tried to do interpretive dance in a leotard outside the Hansbay Bank for money, but something about a beard and a leotard don’t really match up, so I was arrested. I bribed the guard with a ham sandwich, he let me free on the condition I never show my face or grossly accentuated genitals in Hansbay, Vermont ever again so I hopped a train to Washington, which is kind of like the mecha for Homeless people, and now I troll the streets of Washington DC for vicodin and I sometimes dress up as a clown and sit outside Congress with a sign reading “Unemployed clown, give me a job in Congress where I belong”.
RYAN: Yeah, I saw that on StumbleUpon.
HOMELESS MAN: Yeah.
RYAN: Very clever.
HOMELESS MAN: Thank you.
MICHELLE: Listen, I hope you don’t think it rude to express how uncomfortable I am around you.
HOMELESS MAN: Well, like I said, I don’t bite! Except for that cat.
MICHELLE: A few minutes ago you said it was already bit!
HOMELESS MAN: A man’s gotta eat!
HOMELESS MAN: Just pretend I’m Asian!
RYAN: Wow, okay, stop. Listen, I heard that you troll for Vicodin in this area?
HOMELESS MAN: Yes, I do.
RYAN: Perfect! How much money do you have?
HOMELESS MAN: First of all, I’m Devin Worth.
RYAN: Didn’t ask you your name, but fine, Devin, how much money do you have?
DEVIN: I have nine American dollars and two Canadians euros.
RYAN: Okay, that’s enough for three tablets of Vicodin.
(Devin hands Ryan the money and Ryan hands Devin three tablets)
DEVIN: Shake my hand!
(Cut to the hotel room. Ryan, Michelle and Brennan are on the pull-out bed, resting their feet)
RYAN: Man, it feels good to earn an honest living.
MICHELLE: It wasn’t honest.
RYAN: Sure it was.
MICHELLE: We sold vicodin to homeless people, how is that honest?
RYAN: We only sold it to two homeless people, the rest were teenagers.
MICHELLE: That’s not better.
BRENNAN: Whatever guys, the point is, we can afford to stay at this hotel longer, and we can also see the sights. It’s a good thing so much stuff here is free.
RYAN: Well, we still have one place left to go today.
RYAN: Emo Mecha.
(Cut to a concert hall, packed with other emo people, with “Damned Cuckold” playing really lead emo music. Ryan, Brennan and Michelle enter)
RYAN: THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN MY FELLOW EMOS! THE EMO PUNK MOVEMENT OF WASHINGTON DC THROUGH THE 70S, 80S, 90S, 2000S AND TODAY! LET US BOW OUR HEADS TO THE GODS OF ANGST, DEPRESSION AND GENERAL DARKNESS!
BRENNAN: I THINK “GENERAL DARKNESS” IS THE NAME OF THE LEAD SINGER!
RYAN: YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT! NOW BOW!
(They all get on their knees and avert their eyes. They then get up and some emo kid comes up to them)
EMO KID: MAY M. SHADOWS BE WITH YOU!
RYAN: AND ALSO WITH YOU!
EMO KID: ARE YOU GUYS ON AN EMO PILGRIMAGE?
EMO KID: GOOD, I’M LUCAS CAMPBELL, AN EMO ELDER! THE EMO MASS IS OVER THERE, WHERE YOU DRINK THE BLOOD OF M. SHADOWS, WHICH IS ACTUALLY COUGH SYRUP, AND THEN YOU EAT THE BODY OF M. SHADOWS, BY EATING A STRAND OF HIS HAIR!
LUCAS: SOMEONE SAW HIM GETTING A HAIRCUT IN HUNTINGTON BEACH AND THEY MANAGED TO PICK US UP A HEAPING HELPING OF SHADOWS HAIR!
RYAN: THAT’S INCREDIBLY CREEPY! ANYWAY, LET’S DO IT!
LUCAS: NOT SO FAST! AS EMOS ON YOUR FIRST PILGRIMAGE, YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO MEET THE SEVEN ELDERS!
LUCAS: FOLLOW ME!
(Ryan, Michelle and Brennan follow Lucas backstage, where six emo kids are sitting in chairs with black robes on. Lucas sits in the middle of them)
EMO ELDER: Who are these people?
LUCAS: State your names before the council.
RYAN: Sir, I am Ryan Donahue of the Hansbay, Vermont chapter of the Emotive Hardcore movement.
(Ryan bows, then rises again)
MICHELLE: I am Michelle Reed of that same chapter.
(Michelle bows, then rises again)
BRENNAN: I am Brennan Sanford of that same chapter.
(Brennan bows, then rises again)
LUCAS: I sense negative energy in all three of these teens.
BRENNAN: Is that a bad thing?
LUCAS: Of course not, it’s terrific! It would be bad if it was positive energy!
RYAN: By the way, correct me if I’m wrong, but you elders don’t seem to be that…elder.
ELDER 2: Yeah, we’re actually only twenty, but that’s pretty old for an emo, most people get over emo by the time they’re nineteen or when they overdose.
MICHELLE: What exactly do you elders do, by the way?
LUCAS: Well, we decide what the latest emo clothing trend is, we approve all the bands, we cut.
RYAN: Don’t all emo kids do tha-
ELDER 3: And we decide the worthiness of emo kids across the nation when they go on their pilgrimage.
LUCAS: Hold up your hands. (Brennan holds up his hands) Eight bracelets. Not bad. Ryan? (Ryan holds up his hands) Ten. Even better. (Michelle holds up hers) My God, fifteen. She is the most emo among the three of you.
RYAN: That’s bullshit!
LUCAS: Now that you have gone on your pilgrimage, you have been blessed by M. Shadows.
RYAN: Just out of curiosity, have you guys ever actually met M. Shadows?
ELDER 4: Nope.
ELDER 5: Definitely not.
LUCAS: We have his hair.
(Cut to Kimberly sitting on the couch, worried. Her cell phone rings and she picks up)
ZIMMERMAN: (On the phone) Hey. It’s George.
KIMBERLY: (Clears her throat) Hello, Detective Zimmerman.
(Ethan, Jacob and Madeline come in)
ZIMMERMAN: Kimberly, your son has taken a train to Washington DC with his friend Brennan and girlfriend Michelle.
KIMBERLY: Really? Why Washington DC?
ETHAN: Kim, give me the phone.
KIMBERLY: Hold on.
ZIMMERMAN: I don’t know, but the point is, I did this before I was supposed to, but I just wanted to make sure your son and his friends are alright.
KIMBERLY: I appreciate that, Detective.
JACOB: Give me the phone, mom!
KIMBERLY: (Whispering) No!
ETHAN: Kimmy, pass me that bitch!
MADELINE: Pass it to him!
KIMBERLY: (Whispering) No, I can handle it!
ZIMMERMAN: You can handle what?
KIMBERLY: (Normal voice) Nothing, detective. We’re going to head to Washington today.
ZIMMERMAN: Okay. Goodbye.
(Kimberly hangs up her phone)
ETHAN: Kimberly, hand me the phone!
KIMBERLY: I hung up!
JACOB: What’s the deal?
KIMBERLY: Ryan, Michelle and Brennan are in Washington DC.
JACOB: I know why.
JACOB: The Emo pilgrimage.
ETHAN: Dear Lord...
JACOB: Do I know the most about him in this family?
KIMBERLY: I think you do.
MADELINE: Yes, you definitely do.
JACOB: Awesome. Just radical.
ETHAN: Well, pack your bags full of corruption, incompetence and hooker’s phone numbers, because we’re going to Washington DC!
(Everybody except Ethan sighs. Fade to black)
TO BE CONTINUED
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