The Donahues Episode 240

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Mitt Romney, Ted Cruz, John Kasich and the Republican establishment enlist Ethan’s services to stop Donald Trump from obtaining the Republican nomination, Ryan feels conflicted about temptation after signing a deal with an RCA exec he meets in his music class. Alan meanwhile is conflicted about his relationship with Sammy’s friends, and making a deal with them

Submitted: April 02, 2016

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Submitted: April 02, 2016

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THE DONAHUES

 

“THE POLITICS OF SPRING BREAK PART 2”

 

TV-MA DL

 

“Can I kick it? To my tribe that flows in layers. Right now, Phife is a poem sayer. At times, I’m a studio conveyor. Mr. Dinkins, would you please be my mayor? You’ll be doing us a really big favor”

  • Phife Dawg

 

(We start with Ethan in his hotel room, watching Senator Marco Rubio speak on television)

 

SENATOR RUBIO: And so, while it is not God’s plan that I be President in 2016, or, or maybe ever, and while today my campaign is suspended-

 

(Groans of disappointment come from the crowd)

 

ETHAN: Nooo!! Why, Marco!? Why can’t you be delusional like John Kasich?!

 

SENATOR RUBIO: The fact that I’ve even come this far is evidence of how special America truly is. And all the reason more we must do all we can to ensure that this nation remains a special place.

 

(Ethan turns off the TV, and goes to fix himself a drink)

 

ETHAN: I can’t believe I have to force myself to be a Cruz supporter. That guy reminds me of the annoying know-it-all in my college philosophy class who never showered and called my mother a whore. Come to think of it, maybe that was him. (Someone knocks on Ethan’s door) Ugh. Not Vernon again. I can’t handle more of his knuckle sandwiches. (Ethan walks over to the door and opens it, to reveal Mitt Romney standing there in a trench coat, wearing a fedora) No fucking way.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Flipping way.

 

ETHAN: How are you-what are you-what?!

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Ethan, I know it’s been a while. But we haven’t spoken since Brian passed away.

 

ETHAN: Yes, I know! Because you’re Mitt Romney! And you were always closer to Brian than you were to me!

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Well, I have some inside information for you. Don’t share this with anyone, but now that Donald Trump won Florida, Marco Rubio is dropping out.

 

ETHAN: …If that’s your information, I think you’ve been scooped. Come in before someone sees you and thinks I’m screwing a prostitute with a Mitt Romney mask on. (Governor Romney comes in the room and Ethan shuts the door) Do you want a drink? I mean, uh, orange juice?
 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: As long as it doesn’t have pulp. Pulp is Satan’s phlegm.

 

ETHAN: …Water it is.

 

(Ethan pours Romney a cup of water and hands it to him)

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Thank you.

 

ETHAN: So what ae you doing here?

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: We just lost our last viable establishment candidate. Kasich won Ohio, which buys us breathing room at the convention, but he has no chance of going further.

 

ETHAN: How does this involve me?

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Meet me at the back room of Flipping Wei, the Chinese restaurant on Darla Street in Hansbay. One week from today. All will be explained then. I was never here.

 

(Governor Romney chugs the water in one gulp, to Ethan’s confusion, and then leaves the room. Ethan follows him, and as Romney leaves the room, John and Vernon see him)

 

ETHAN: Hey John, hey Vernon.

 

(Governor Romney quickly walks away)

 

VERNON: I’ve seen that guy somewhere before.

 

ETHAN: He sells vacuums door to door in the area.

 

VERNON: Oh yeah…

 

(Cut to Ryan sitting in his popular music and American culture class, which is in a theatre and has a middle-aged pudgy man for a teacher. He is being filmed by some teacher’s assistants. He has a white board behind him that says “Mr. Zeldin with the date “3-18-2016”)

 

MR. ZELDIN: So I got an e-mail from someone that made almost gave me a STROKE from how STUPID it was! It was from a student in here, but I won’t name names. Mostly because I can’t remember who it was. I’m half blind and was run over by a drunk driver, give me a break! Bring up the e-mail in a word document, Mr. Schultz. (One of the TAs projects a word document onto the board) So, I got this e-mail disputing what I said about the tin pan alley singer, Sophie Tucker. The e-mail says “you said she was 400 pounds and she was red-haired. But I looked it up, and she looks to be 200 pounds, at most”. Well, you know what? Last time I checked, 200 pounds for a person who is 5’4 is obese! I mean this political correctness has run amok! I’m sorry! What are we gonna deny next? Slavery?! The holocaust?!

 

RYAN: Holy shit.

 

MR. ZELDIN: Enough of this white-washing of history! Alright?! Now let’s talk about country and the development of the blues. Robert Johnson was a legendary blues man, but he only had that talent because he made a deal with the devil. You got that? That’s a fact, so don’t e-mail me about it. We’re going to play a Robert Johnson song for you guys, it’s called “Hellhound On My Trail”. And if you work for Columbia Records, don’t sue us because we own this song on CD! Every year Columbia plants one of their guys in this class, where they pose as a student and try to see if we’re playing unlicensed music for you guys. I swear, at the end of every year some student comes up to me and says “yeah, I was the guy”. And I just want you to know, whoever you are, we hate you.

 

(The students laugh. Cut to Ryan. He looks around)

 

RYAN: (Whispering) …Is that right? Hmmm…

 

(Cut to Ryan walking out of the classroom. Ryan is listening to his iPod, and sits down on the couch outside the classroom, and starts air drumming while whisper-screaming, while looking at the door as people funnel out of the classroom. People look at him weirdly, and most move on. But finally, some white guy wearing a backwards cap, a track suit jacket, jeans and a Cuban link comes out of the classroom and stops dead in his tracks)

 

STUDENT: Hey, talk to me.

 

(Ryan takes out his headphones and looks at the guy)

 

RYAN: Sorry, can I help you?

 

STUDENT: Kid, I see you trying to get my attention. And doing it by embarrassing yourself in front of all your classmates takes balls. I respect that. So you have my ear. What do you want?

 

(Ryan stands up)

 

RYAN: You’re the Columbia Records guy?

 

(The student shushes Ryan)

 

STUDENT: (Whispering) Don’t give me away. But yes, I very much am. (The Columbia Records guy leans in) And I’m ALWAYS scouting talent. (He leans back away and starts speaking in a normal tone of voice) You should’ve guessed since I’m 47 and smell like cigar smoke.

 

RYAN: Yeah. Plus, you never take any notes.

 

COLUMBIA RECORDS EXEC: Well, neither do you.

 

RYAN: Let’s not get bogged down. What’s your name?

 

COLUMBIA RECORDS EXEC: I go by many names…

 

(He smiles deviously)

 

RYAN: …Care to give an example?

 

COLUMBIA RECORDS EXEC: …Richard Astan.

 

RYAN: Cool. So listen-

 

RICHARD: Not here. Meet me at the crossroads next Tuesday and we’ll make a deal…

 

RYAN: …The crossroads?

 

RICHARD: …It’s a gay bar on Cornelia.

 

RYAN: Oh, okay. Is it-

 

RICHARD: 18 and up, yes.

 

RYAN: Cool. (Cut to Kimberly and Luke making coffee at their house, in the kitchen. They are watching TV as Ryan comes in) Morning, guys.

 

KIMBERLY: Why are you up so early?

 

RYAN: Wait, what the hell’s going on?

 

(Cut to the TV, which is showing a CNN report on the Brussels Terrorist attack. The headline says “TERROR ATTACK IN BRUSSELS KILL AT LEAST 34”. Footage of Belgians running away is playing on the screen)

 

JOHN BERMAN: (Voice over) If you’re just joining us, that is the scene in Belgium, where two explosions, one at an airport, and the other at a subway, has caused the deaths of over 30 people in Brussels. ISIS has not yet claimed responsibility, but-

 

(Cut back to Ryan, Kimberly and Luke)

 

RYAN: Jesus Christ…

 

(Ryan sits down)

 

LUKE: The human tragedy of this is obvious, but can we talk about the other tragedy? How this will only increase Donald Trump’s support?

 

RYAN: Does he really need help at this point? Even when people endorse Ted Cruz, it just helps Donald. He’s invincible.

 

KIMBERLY: Unless they stop him at the convention.

 

LUKE: That’s why Lindsay Graham endorsed Cruz, he’s their only hope. And they hate each other!
 

KIMBERLY: They should’ve done that earlier! They under-estimate the Donald.

 

RYAN: Can you blame them? Imagine if your worst enemy was running for President. How many candidates would you cling to before you endorsed him?

 

KIMBERLY: I don’t have any worst enemies. Do you?

 

RYAN: Yeah! If Trey Goodlatte was running for President, I would knock on more than a few doors to stop him. And I’d also just use blackmail.

 

LUKE: Why are you up, by the way?

 

RYAN: I need to meet someone in Plattsburgh at 11am. I forgot I was on Spring Break this week, so I had to wake up early to drive there.

 

KIMBERLY: Who is it?

 

RYAN: Can’t I have secrets? God…

 

(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan sitting in a booth in an empty gay bar. Techno music faintly pounds in the background while cheap disco lights swirl everywhere. Ryan has a root beer in front of him, and a waiter wearing a leather S&M suit comes over)

 

WAITER: Why you babysittin’ that root beer, honey?

 

(Ryan holds up his hands to show he has Xs on them)

 

RYAN: It would be sad to get fucked up at eleven in the morning anyway, bro.

 

(The waiter shrugs and walks away. Then Ryan takes out a small bottle of vodka and pours it into his root beer before putting it away. Richard comes over and sits down across from Ryan)

 

RICHARD: Thanks for agreeing to meet me here.

 

RYAN: Why did it have to be so early?

 

RICHARD: So nobody would be here. This is a very sensitive meeting.

 

RYAN: Why? What are you expecting to happen?

 

RICHARD: This is Columbia fucking Records! You know we have?

 

RYAN: No, I do not.

 

RICHARD: Adele. Beyonce. Bruce Springsteen. Daft Punk. Earl Sweatshirt. One Direction. Passion Pit. The Neighbourhood. Shall I go on?

 

RYAN: I’ll knock when I recognize one of them.

 

RICHARD: Bring Me The Horizon.

 

(Ryan knocks on the table)

 

RYAN: Shit, really?!

 

RICHARD: Yes. We have only one metalcore band. And it’s one of the most popular out there. So we need to keep those negotiations low-key.

 

RYAN: Well, here’s my band’s mixtape-

 

(Ryan takes out a mix tape)

 

RICHARD: No, put that away. I-wait, you have a literal mix tape.

 

RYAN: Yeah, we have limited technology, but trust me, it’s charming.

 

RICHARD: Just put that away. I don’t want to listen to any of your music because I don’t care for that type of music at all.

 

RYAN: Oh.

 

(Richard takes out a contract and places it on the table, along with a pen)

 

RICHARD: You can have this record deal, as long as you give me one thing.

 

RYAN: I understand.

 

(Ryan gets under the table)

 

RICHARD: NO!

 

(Ryan comes up from under the table)

 

RYAN: Sorry, I have a thing for older people recently.

 

RICHARD: Give me your soul.

 

RYAN: …Excuse me?

 

RICHARD: You can have this record deal, if I can have your soul.

 

(Ryan laughs)

 

RYAN: …Come on. What do you really want?

 

RICHARD: I want your soul. Sign it away. It’s on the contract.

 

(Ryan looks at the contract)

 

RYAN: “I, Ryan Anthony Donahue, agree to sell my soul to Satan, the Lord Protectorate of Evil, in exchange for this record deal”. (Ryan laughs) Jesus Christ. This is hardcore.

 

RICHARD: Isn’t that what you’re all about?

 

RYAN: Of course.

 

RICHARD: So you would damn yourself to Hell in order to get a record deal at Columbia?

 

RYAN: Dude, Hell doesn’t exist. And you’re not Satan, I thought this contract was just a cool publicity stunt to make us look badass.

 

RICHARD: No, this is deadly serious. And I am Satan. Notice how my name was-

 

RYAN: Richard Astan, yeah, it’s an anagram, I noticed that immediately, you’re not clever.

 

RICHARD: I beg to differ.

 

RYAN: Listen, dude, if you want me to sign away my soul, which, is not a thing, then, I’ll do it for that record deal. But I doubt you’re serious about this.

 

RICHARD: No, go ahead. You’ll get it all.

 

RYAN: Great.

 

(Ryan signs the contract, as Richard smiles. Cut to Alan walking towards Whiteface Hall. Helen, Sammy and a half-black, half-Hispanic, fully effeminate dude come out of Whiteface Hall. The guy is wearing a back pack)

 

SAMMY: Hi, Alan. How are you?

 

ALAN: I’m good. (Alan turns around) Wait, what’s with the backpack? And who are you?

 

(The dude with the backpack starts laughing and pointing at Alan)

 

BACKPACK GUY: (Effeminate voice) Who is this bitch?! Oh my God, is he a cop?!

 

HELEN: This is Alejandro.

 

ALEJANDRO: Nice to meet you.

 

(Alejandro extends his hand, and Alan shakes it)

 

ALAN: What’s goin’ on, man?

 

ALEJANDRO: Why are you asking that again?

 

ALAN: No, I mean, like, that’s how I greet people-I get it from my dad, I’m sorry.

 

(Alejandro looks at Helen and Sammy and starts laughing)

 

ALEJANDRO: I hate this!! (Alejandro turns back to Alan) What’s your name, by the way?

 

ALAN: I’m Alan, but some people call me Bones.

 

ALEJANDRO: So which is it?

 

ALAN: Both.

 

(Alejandro laughs)

 

ALEJANDRO: I’ll call you both then.

 

ALAN: Where are you guys going?

 

HELEN: We’re going to a house show, party thing.

 

ALAN: Oh, cool. Did you guys just get back home from Spring Break?

 

SAMMY: Yeah, B. And we’re still in a party mood!
 

HELEN: I’m always in a party mood.

 

ALAN: You know, you can drink and stand quietly in the corner at home too, Helen.

 

(Alejandro gasps)

 

ALEJANDRO: OH MY GOSH! TEA WAS JUST SPILLED!!!

 

SAMMY: MAJOR TEA! NO JOKE!

 

ALEJANDRO: YOU JUST CLOCKED HELEN’S ASS SO HAAAARD!!
 

(Alan chuckles)

 

ALAN: Sorry, Helen, it was just a joke.

 

HELEN: It’s fine. I’m used to it. From Alejandro.

 

ALEJANDRO: I like you, Both. You should come to the house party with us. It’s on Steltzer.

 

ALAN: Cool. Yeah, let me see if my roommate’s back yet and I’ll text Sammy about it.

 

ALEJANDRO: Cool. See ya, Both.

 

(Alejandro, Helen and Sammy walk away. Alan turns around and walks inside Whiteface Hall)

 

ALAN: I tried to clarify my complicated name situation, and I wound up with a second nickname. What does that make? Five names? Alan “Bones” “Both” Carter Fleming. Damn.

 

(Cut to Ryan in his dorm room, unpacking things from a bag. Alan comes in)

 

RYAN: What’s up, Bones?
 

ALAN: Call me Alan now.

 

RYAN: Okay. I like that better anyway.

 

ALAN: I just got a new nickname I never want you to call me.

 

RYAN: Then don’t tell me about it.

 

ALAN: It’s “both”.

 

RYAN: Because you’re both black and white?

 

ALAN: No, this dude named Alejandro gave it to me. He’s one of Helen and Sammy’s friends, and they invited me to a house party on Skeltzer. Want to come?

 

RYAN: Come on, man. I JUST got back from Vermont. And we don’t even like Sammy.

 

ALAN: Yeah, but we like Helen, and this Alejandro guy seems…interesting. Plus, they have booze.

 

RYAN: …Well…I have had a hell of a week.  Alright, sure, let’s go.

 

(Alan and Ryan leave the dorm. Cut to Ryan, Alan, Alejandro, Sammy, Helen and some bearded Hispanic gay guy in the backyard at a house party. They all have drinks in red solo cups)

 

ALAN: That was a good show. It was a really…angular performance.

 

RYAN: Alan, if you want to sound Indie, just say what I told you to say.

 

ALAN: Rest in peace, Elliott Smith!

 

(Alan points upwards)

 

RYAN: Good.

 

ALAN: Can I say “rest in peace, Phife Dawg”? He died a few days ago.

 

RYAN: Everybody here is white, they’re not gonna know who that was.

 

(Alejandro sniffs a couple times)

 

ALEJANDRO: This, is a white.

 

(They all laugh. Mark Spadelli walks over with a box in hand)

 

MARK: Hey friends! What’s going on?

 

RYAN: Hey man!

 

(Ryan fist bumps with Mark, and Alan fist bumps Mark too)

 

ALAN: What’s goin’ on, man?

 

MARK: Does anyone want Cuban Cigars?

 

(Mark opens the box to reveal Cuban cigars)

 

ALEJANDRO: Bitch, how’d you get those?

 

MARK: Obama’s chilled out relations with Cuba means I can get these easy.

 

HELEN: Yeah, he was over there recently, right?

 

RYAN: Yeah. He watched a baseball game. He probably would’ve thrown out the first pitch, but I think they had a political prisoner wearing a ball and chain do it.

 

MARK: So, who wants one?

 

RYAN: I’ll try one, why the hell not?

 

ALAN: Because they’re dangerous?

 

(Mark hands Ryan a Cuban Cigar, and lights himself one too)

 

RYAN: Cuba has a lung cancer vaccine. We’ll be fine.

 

MARK: That’s why I haven’t quit.

 

HELEN: That’s not how the lung cancer vaccine works.

 

(Mark hands Ryan a lighter and he lights his cigar. He exhales smoke and coughs)

 

MARK: Alright, I’ll see you around, guys.

 

RYAN: See ya.

 

(Mark walks away)

 

RYAN: Hey, that wasn’t so awkward. Do you think he remembers me coming onto him?

 

ALAN: Maybe not. That was really weird, he was super friendly. I mean, I still hate his ass, but.

 

ALEJANDRO: Ryan, are you trying to get that suck-t-t?

 

(Alejandro, Sammy, Helen and the Hispanic guy start cracking up)

 

RYAN: …What is going on?

 

ALAN: I have no idea. Wanna go back inside and watch the next band?

 

RYAN: Sure.

 

(Alan and Ryan go inside. Cut to Ethan, wearing a suit, walking into the “Flipping Wei” Chinese restaurant. Ethan walks up to the maître de, and clears his throat)

 

ETHAN: I’d like the white rice. Please.

 

MAITRE DE: You have to sit down and get a waiter first, sir.

 

ETHAN: Listen to me. I want white rice.

 

(Maître De realizes what he’s talking about)

 

MAITRE DE: Of course. Right this way.

 

(The Maître de leads him to a back room, and she opens the door, and Ethan comes into a room where former Republican nominee Mitt Romney, House Speaker Paul Ryan, Texas Senator Ted Cruz, Ohio Governor John Kasich, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Florida Senator Marco Rubio, Senator Lindsay Graham and Vermont Republican Party Chair David Sunderland are sitting around a table. The woman shuts the door behind him)

 

ETHAN: Oh my Lord.

 

SPEAKER RYAN: Welcome, Mr. Donahue. I’m Paul Ryan-

 

ETHAN: I know who all of you are! I just can’t believe you’re all here! (Ethan sits down at the table) It’s such an honor to meet all of you. But I still don’t understand why!
 

DAVID SUNDERLAND: We’re desperate to stop Trump. And every delegate counts, even Vermont’s delegates.

 

ETHAN: You’re the only person here I don’t know, man. Why are you talking first?

 

SPEAKER RYAN: This is Vermont Republican Party Chair David Sunderland, Ethan.

 

ETHAN: We have one of those?

 

SPEAKER RYAN: Listen, Ethan-

 

ETHAN: Why is Ted Cruz here?!
 

SENATOR CRUZ: I’m a part of the establishment now. Isn’t that weird?

 

ETHAN: Yes, it’s fucking insane, Senator.

 

SENATOR CRUZ: Wait, you’re not supporting for Trump, right?

 

ETHAN: No, I’m not supporting Trump, asshole! I’m supporting…you.

 

SENATOR CRUZ: …Thank you.

 

SENATOR RUBIO: He sounds like a Cruz supporter. Reluctant and disoriented.

 

SENATOR CRUZ: What can I say? I fail upward. I’d like your reluctant and disoriented support, Marco.

 

SPEAKER RYAN: The point is, Vermont’s delegation matters, because if there’s a brokered convention-

 

SENATOR GRAHAM: Open convention.

 

SPEAKER RYAN: Right, sorry, DAMNIT! (Speaker Ryan rubs his temples) I’ve failed you, John.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: If there’s an open convention, it’s gonna be a close vote on the second ballot. So we need the entire Vermont delegation behind either Senator Cruz or Governor Kasich.

 

SPEAKER RYAN: And John wants me to be nominated, I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, BOEHNER!!

 

SENATOR MCCONNELL: Relax, Paul. Listen, Trump won big in Vermont a few weeks ago. So we need you to use your influence in the community to get the delegation behind… (Senator McConnell sighs) Ted.

 

GOVERNOR KASICH: Oh come on, guys, that’s not nice!
 

ETHAN: You only won your home state, Governor. If we’re going to wipe our asses with the votes of our own voter base, we can’t give it to a guy who has fewer delegates than little Marco here.

 

SENATOR RUBIO: I thought you guys said he used to support me!

 

ETHAN: I did! But you turned out to be the “Batman V. Superman” of Presidential candidates!

 

SPEAKER RYAN: Just, tell us, Ethan, do you think you can rally the Vermont delegation behind Senator Cruz?

 

ETHAN: Why do you think I have such sway in the community? You know I fled to Russia to avoid charges once, right?

 

SPEAKER RYAN: Yes, but we’ve done opinion polling, and people tend to respect you for what you tried to prevent Sarandon from doing.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Not only that, but ever since Brian passed away, you’re the only person we’ve got.

 

(Ethan sighs)

 

ETHAN: This is a lot of responsibility.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: But we need to stop Trump. He’s a mad man, and we should’ve taken him seriously earlier.

 

ETHAN: Oh, I’ve always taken him seriously.

 

(Cut to March 2014. Robert is sitting in a conference room with Hank, Paul Lee and three ABC executives)

 

ABC EXEC: I respect Hank greatly. So when he suggested you for The Bachelorette, I was floored. I thought, “how could such a respectable human being recommend such an ape for my TV show?” Then I realized, your apelike sensibilities are exactly what is valued in this industry. You could be the next “Situation” or fake “real housewife of New Jersey”. At the very least you’ll be Donald Trump.

 

ROBERT: I am…honored?

 

PAUL LEE: Honored, yes.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly speaking in the kitchen of their old house back in October 2012)

 

ETHAN: Hey, it’s the President’s decision not to release those transcripts.

 

KIMBERLY: Yeah, but it’s Donald Trump’s decision to publically extort them from him. Everyone thought he had something big to sink the President’s campaign, but no it was just a 6-year old with a bad haircut tugging on the country’s dress and pointing at Occidental records saying “I want dat! Gimme dat or I’m gonna scream!”

 

(Cut to Ryan and Sarah lying in bed together in November 2013. Sarah sits up and holds her head)

 

RYAN: SARAH, WHAT IS IT?!!

 

SARAH: I’M SEEING COLORS THAT AREN’T THERE! THE WALLS ARE MOVING!! I’M ALMOST POSITIVE DONALD TRUMP IS IN THE CORNER WITH MANGLED FINGERS!!

 

RYAN: NO HE’S NOT SARAH!

 

SARAH: YES HE IS! HE HAD TO PICK THE CORN OUT OF A KFC FAMOUS BOWL AND NOW HIS FINGERS, THEY’RE, THEY’RE, THEY’RE ALL BROKEN!

 

(Cut to Donald Trump in the corner with mangled fingers)

 

DONALD TRUMP: WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(Cut back to Sarah and Ryan)

 

RYAN: OH GOD, I SEE HIM TOO!

 

(Cut back to Ethan and the rest of them, in the present day)

 

ETHAN: I always knew he would lead a grass-roots authoritarian movement someday…

 

(Richard Astan walks in)

 

RICHARD: Hey, sorry I’m late. (Richard sits down. Cut to Ryan, Chance, Oleander and Michael walking down a hallway at Columbia Records, guided by Richard) You guys are now signed onto the most prestigious label in the industry.

 

(Barbara Streisand comes out of a nearby room)

 

BARBARA: Hello, newcomers!
 

RICHARD: Hey, Barb! Barbara just finished recording her 70th album of love songs.

 

BARBARA: I like to love.

 

RICHARD: She sure does.

 

(Barbara smiles, waves and walks away)

 

CHANCE: Okay, dude, we don’t need a tour through the wax museum, can we just get to the studio?

 

RYAN: Chance!
 

RICHARD: No, I like this kid.

 

RYAN: Well, obviously you do.

 

CHANCE: What does that mean? Is he gay?

 

RYAN: No, he thinks he’s Satan.

 

RICHARD: Let’s go into another room to discuss this.

 

(Richard leads them to a recording studio, which has top-tier equipment)

 

MICHAEL: Holy shit, dude, look at this equipment!

 

(Michael puts his hand on the soundboard, as do Chance and Oleander)

 

CHANCE: This is the best recording equipment I have ever seen!

 

RICHARD: And it’s all yours. By continuing to use this equipment, you have agreed to turn over your soul to me, Satan.

 

OLEANDER: Sounds cool.

 

MICHAEL: Wait, what?

 

RYAN: Richard, you’re not Satan! NO ONE is Satan!

 

RICHARD: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

 

RYAN: Then why are you trying to convince me he does?

 

RICHARD: You can think I’m not Satan all you want. I get paid either way.

 

RYAN: Great, so shut up and get paid. Let’s record, gang.

 

MICHAEL: Gang?

 

RYAN: Sorry, I don’t know-

 

MICHAEL: Come on, we don’t know you like that.

 

RYAN: Seriously? (Cut to the band in the studio, playing a hard punk song, Ryan starts screaming) THEY SAY IT’S JUST A PART OF LIFE!!!!! THEY SAY JUST IGNORE THE FEELING OF THE KNIIIIFE! SLICING YOUR THROAT!!!! SET FIRE TO THE BOAAAAAAT!!! PUSH IT OFF INTO THE WINTERY SEAAAAAAA!!!! (Oleander begins a guitar solo) Stoooooop.

 

(The band stops)

 

OLEANDER: What?

 

RYAN: You’re fucking up the solo.

 

OLEANDER: How?

 

RYAN: You’re missing chords.

 

OLEANDER: I am? My bad, I actually went deaf in one ear about a-

 

RYAN: (Over Oleander) Let’s do it again.

 

OLEANDER: (Over Ryan) Week ago. What?

 

RYAN: One, two, three! (The band starts playing) THEY SAY IT’S JUST A PART OF LIFE!!!!! THEY SAY JUST IGNORE THE FEELING OF THE KNIIIIFE! SLICING YOUR THROAT!!!! SET FIRE TO THE BOAAAAAAT!!! PUSH IT OFF INTO THE WINTERY SEAAAAAAA!!!! (Oleander attempts the guitar solo again) STOOOOOP!! (The band stops again) LET ME SEE THAT! (Ryan takes Oleander’s guitar and does the guitar solo perfectly) THERE! THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT!

 

(Ryan throws the guitar on the ground, as everybody stands shocked)

 

CHANCE: …How the fuck did you do that?

 

RYAN: What are you talking about, I just- oh my God. (Ryan sits on a nearby stool) I don’t even know how to play guitar.

 

(Richard begins laughing maniacally over at the sound board)

 

RICHARD: YOU DO NOW!

 

(Ryan points at Richard)

 

RYAN: No, no, there has to be a logical explanation for this!
 

CHANCE: Dude, calm down, you were gonna go to Hell anyway.

 

(Cut to Alan, Alejandro, Ryan and the bearded Hispanic guy standing outside, passing a marijuana pipe around. The bearded guy is hitting it. He then hands it to Alan)

 

ALEJANDRO: Bitch, you fuckin’ up the rotation. It goes to me next, Jack.

 

(Alan takes a hit)

 

JACK: Shut up, bietch.

 

ALEJANDRO: Biiiietttchhh.

 

(Ryan sighs as Alan finishes his hit)

 

RYAN: Give it to Jack, Alan.

 

JACK: Oh my God, bietch, don’t tell him what to do, t-t.

 

ALEJANDRO: This plantation massah-lookin’ ass-

 

(Jack gasps)

 

JACK: Oh my God! I hate thiiiiiis!!

 

RYAN: Same. I’m gonna go watch the band, y’all can take off that. (Ryan walks away, but then sees Amber making out with Mark on the other side of the backyard, Ryan goes wide-eyed, and then walks over back to Alan, hyperventilating) Alan, do you see that shit?
 

ALAN: What shit? (Alan looks over at them) Oh, shiiiit.

 

RYAN: (Whispering) WHAT THE FUCK!??!

 

ALAN: I’m so sorry, dude. Man, if I saw my ex-girlfriend making out with one of my crushes, I would think it’s hot. But since you’re bisexual, it just…sucks.

 

RYAN: What is she even doing here!?

 

ALAN: I guess she was trying to find a party, and…she found one. I don’t know what she sees in Mark, though. That dude’s face is way too eager.

 

RYAN: …Should I break it up?

 

ALAN: What?

 

RYAN: WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

 

ALAN: SHHH! You’re drunk!
 

RYAN: This sucks…

 

ALAN: Yeah, but you can’t pull them apart though! Oh, shit, here they come.

 

(Ryan turn around as Mark and Amber walk up to them. Amber is resting her face on Mark’s shoulder, so she can’t see anyone at the moment. A cigarette is hanging out of Mark’s mouth)

 

MARK: Hey, does anyone have a lighter?

 

(Amber looks up)

 

AMBER: Just give him-oh, shit!

 

MARK: What?

 

RYAN: I see you’ve bounced back.

 

AMBER: It wasn’t hard.

 

MARK: What is going on?

 

ALAN: The two of them used to smash.

 

RYAN: It was a bit more involved than that.

 

MARK: Oh. Wow. I am sorry, man, I didn’t know that.

 

AMBER: Ryan- (Amber points at Mark) you ain’t got the juice like that.

 

ALEJANDRO: Come on, bitch, you ain’t got to do him like that.

 

MARK: Amber, stop it. You’re being cruel.

 

AMBER: Mark is a better PERSON than you, too!
 

MARK: Come on. Even I know that’s not true.

 

ALEJANDRO: The tea is boiling the fuck over.

 

MARK: Ryan, I’m sorry about this. If I had known, I would’ve taken her somewhere else.

 

(Ryan shakes his head and rolls his eyes)

 

RYAN: …Thanks, Mark.

 

MARK: No problem, dude. Let’s go, Amber, you’re drunk.

 

AMBER: Fuck off, Mark, I love you.

 

(Mark and Amber leave)

 

RYAN: Jack, turn around, please.

 

ALEJANDRO: Kinky.

 

JACK: Oh my God! I hate thiiis!

 

(Jack turns around to reveal he’s wearing a backpack. Ryan unzips the back pack and pulls out a bottle of Everclear, and then a Martini glass)

 

RYAN: Wow, you have some nice glassware back here.

 

JACK: Check in the bottom pocket, there’s a cocktail shaker and some olives.

 

(Ryan opens up the bottom pocket, and indeed olives fall out. Cut to Ethan sitting in front of a room with sixteen delegates sitting in it. Ethan has a laptop hooked up to a projector, and is playing footage from a Republican Presidential Town Hall where Anderson Cooper is speaking with Donald Trump)

 

ANDERSON: After saying you were gonna “spill the beans” about Heidi Cruz, you retweeted an unflattering picture of her next to a picture of your wife-

 

DONALD: I thought it was a nice picture of Heidi, I thought it was fine!

 

ANDERSON: Come on.

 

DONALD: I thought it was fine, she’s a pretty woman.

 

ANDERSON: You’re running for President of the United States.

 

DONALD: Excuse me, excuse me! I didn’t start it. (Laughing from the audience) I didn’t start it!
 

ANDERSON: Sir, sir, with all due respect, that’s the argument of a five-year-old.

 

(Ethan pauses the footage)

 

ETHAN: So listen, I should say at this point “any questions”? But some of you Trump people may need more convincing. So let’s just say that was a little taster for y’all.

 

DELEGATE: I don’t know, I have a five-year-old at home, and I love him.

 

(Some delegates nod and agree)

 

ETHAN: Of course, but would you elect your five-year-old President?

 

DELEGATE 2: Honestly, I feel like, as we get older, we lose that sense of childlike innocence and wonder.

 

(Some delegates nod and talk amongst each other in agreement)

 

DELEGATE 3: I’d love to be five again.

 

DELEGATE: I’d crawl right back in that womb.

 

ETHAN: Guys, please, I need a pledge from each of you by July that you’re going to vote for Ted Cruz on the second ballot, we need to start off on some kind of common ground, like the idea that a five-year-old should not have access to nuclear weapons.

 

DELEGATE 5: Kids are more perceptive than we give them credit for. My kid saw a brown-skinned man the other day-

 

(Ethan clears his throat)

 

ETHAN: We’re not going there. Speaking of nuclear weapons, did you know Donald Trump refused to rule out using nuclear weapons against ISIS on Wednesday?

 

DELEGATE 1: Hey, you can’t say it wouldn’t destroy them.

 

ETHAN: He also refused to rule out using nuclear weapons against Europe.

 

DELEGATE 6: It’s about time someone turn up the pressure on Europe. Ever since we went back to calling them “French fries” those fuckers have been arrogant. I was gonna vote for Cruz, but I think I’m voting for Trump now.

 

ETHAN: Goddamnit, how did I make things worse?

 

DELEGATE 2: I mean, you think Trump is so bad, but Cruz had all those mistresses!
 

ETHAN: That’s a false tabloid story. No one would touch that reptile. (Ethan clears his throat) That reptile who you should make the next President? God, I need a new strategy. Wait a minute.

 

(Cut to Ethan speaking with Governor Romney behind a building. Ethan is showing Romney a video on his phone)

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: So what is your point?

 

ETHAN: My point is- (Ethan puts his phone away) they measured brain waves of debate watchers and determined that their brains get excited when they see Donald Trump on screen. Their brains light up like they’re seeing a cat with no paws try to play with a ball of yarn in a sandbox.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Is that a real video?

 

ETHAN: It certainly should be.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: I don’t see what your point is, still, I understand Trump is entertaining, but we need to prove to them he’s not a real conservative-

 

ETHAN: NO! (Ethan slaps Governor Romney) WON’T YOU PEOPLE GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK ESTABLISHMENT MINDS THAT THIS ELECTION IS NOT ABOUT POLICY!!?!! Do you think those people give a solitary SHIT about whether the next Supreme Court Justice is Merrick Garland or not?! No! They just want to see Trump and Secretary of State Gary Busey negotiate peace on the Middle East! That’s what they want! THEY WANT CHAOS!!

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: So what do we do?!

 

ETHAN: The only way to turn them off now is conditioning… (Cut to Ethan and Governor Romney in lab coats in front of a movie projector in the reel room of a large theatre) You guys ready down there?

 

(Pan down to a man in a lab coat in the front row, sitting next to delegate number one, who is in a strait jacket, and is restrained. The scientist is applying metallic prongs to keep the delegate’s eyes open. The scientist finishes, and then gives a thumbs up as “Music For The Funeral Of Queen Mary” by Henry Purcell begins playing)

 

DELEGATE: Why’d you give me that shot before I came in here?! You know those things cause autism!!

 

ETHAN: (Under his breath) Trump supporters, man- (He now yells) It was just a vitamin, no need to worry!

 

(The scientists starts dripping liquid into his eye balls every few moments)

 

DELEGATE: What is this all about?!

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: We’re just going to have you watch some footage of Trump and ask you how you feel afterwards!

 

ETHAN: Yeah, it’s a, I don’t know, a polling thing or whatever.

 

DELEGATE: Okay…

 

(Footage of Donald Trump begins playing on the screen, first at his Presidential announcement)

 

DONALD: When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. (Cut) They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people.

 

DELEGATE: Just tellin’ it like it is!
 

(Now it’s playing the infamous Jake Tapper-Donald Trump interview)

 

JAKE TAPPER: Will you, unequivocally condemn David Duke and say you don’t want his vote, or the votes of other white supremacists in this election?

 

DONALD: Well, just so you understand, I don’t know anything about David Duke, okay, I don’t know anything about what you’re even talking about with, uh, white supremacy or white supremacists.

 

(The delegate gulps)

 

DELEGATE: The-the damn, that damn “gotcha” media!

 

(Now they are playing Trump’s interview with Chris Matthews)

 

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Do you believe in punishment for abortion? Yes or no? As a principle?

 

DONALD: The answer is, that…there has to be some form of punishment.

 

CHRIS: For the woman?

 

DONALD: Yeah. There has to be some form.

 

(The delegate is now squirming)

 

DELEGATE: Man, we uh, we didn’t need the female vote anyway….

 

(They then show Donald Trump speaking to a crowd while sitting on a couch)

 

DONALD: They want to kill us. They want to kill us. They want to kill our country. They want to knock out our cities. And don’t tell me it doesn’t work! Torture works, okay folks?

 

DELEGATE: Ohhh…oh God, I’m gonna be sick. Get me something to be sick in.

 

(Cut to Ethan and Governor Romney)

 

ETHAN: Very soon now, the drug will cause the delegate to experience death-like paralysis, along with deep feelings of terror and helplessness, whenever he sees Donald Trump on TV, the internet or real life.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: Fantastic. This is real amazing work, Ethan.

 

ETHAN: Thank you very much, Governor.

 

GOVERNOR ROMNEY: We just got fifteen more delegates to go.

 

ETHAN: Oh, right.

 

(Cut to Ryan stumbling to someone’s house’s door. He knocks on it)

 

RYAN: Come out you fucking BITCH! I can’t believe you would DO THAT TO ME!!!

 

(Richard Astan opens the door, wearing a red night robe)

 

RICHARD: Ryan, what a pleasant surprise. At four in the morning.

 

RYAN: You beelzefuck dickbag. (Ryan stumbles in and slams the door, and then turns to Richard) You put a curse on me!
 

RICHARD: A curse? Oh! Yes, the curse. I cursed you too. You should’ve read that contract more carefully

 

RYAN: My girlfriend fucking fucked me over by making out with my crush, why would you do that to me, man?! I know you’re Satan, but, damn!

 

RICHARD: You know. My evil knows no bounds and all that.

 

(Ryan gets on his knees)

 

RYAN: I’m not just doing this because I can’ stand any longer. I am on my knees, BEGGING YOU! To let me nullify that contract! I’ll do anything! Except, sign another contract. Don’t put it in writing, basically, and I’ll do anything for you. Lift the curse and give me my soul back.

 

RICHARD: Let me get this straight. You now believe I am Satan?

 

RYAN: Yeah, dude, you obviously are, how else could you have cursed me with girl problems and blessed me with guitar skills and a record contract? Plus, you only seem to eat hot peppers. I mean- (Ryan picks up a bowl of peppers on Richard’s coffee table) who the fuck offers a bowl of peppers as snack food for party guests? Fucking Satan, that’s who.

 

(Ryan puts the bowl down)

 

RICHARD: So since you believe in Satan, that means you must believe in God, right?

 

RYAN: …I mean, yeah, I guess.

 

RICHARD: HA! GOT HIM!

 

(A bunch of reporters come out of nowhere and start filming)

 

RYAN: WHAT?!

 

RICHARD: HE BELIEVES IN GOD, HE SAID IT! (Richard faces towards one of the cameras) That just goes to show, folks, Ryan Donahue is not the hardcore punk you think he is. He was tempted away from atheism by the fear of Hell, a place he had claimed to not believe existed.

 

RYAN: What?! This was all a huge hit-job on me?!

 

(Richard turns to Ryan)

 

RICHARD: You sir are the snake that was tempted by the yummy dead rat Eve had hung around her neck, you are NO true agnostic punk! Your faithlessness has been tested and you have FAILED! You might as well be making Christian Rock!
 

RYAN: NO! THAT IS NOT TRUE! I don’t believe in God, I never did, but wait, hold on, how the hell did I play that guitar solo earlier?!

 

RICHARD: I honestly cannot explain that, but I honestly don’t care, because this is going to make headline news in Punk News Weekly dot biz.

 

RYAN: Come on, man, nobody subscribes to your vlog!

 

RICHARD: Tell that to my 400,000 subscribers.

 

RYAN: Why have I never heard of it then!?

 

RICHARD: Because you’re not a true punk. Obviously. And now you have lost all your credibility in the punk community. Good day.

 

(Ryan throws up his hands as Richard opens his front door. Ryan sighs and walks out the door, then faces Richard)

 

RYAN: I would say see you in Hell, but- (Richard slams the door. Cut to Ryan stumbling drunk into the dorm while Alan sleeps. Ryan is carrying a wet, mangy dog with him) Alan…ALAN!

 

(Ryan gets into Alan’s bed, as Alan wakes up, in a daze)

 

ALAN: The fuck are you-

 

(Ryan lays right next to Alan as the dog lays down at the end of the bed)

 

RYAN: (Whispering) Bitch, I own you.

 

ALAN: What?

 

RYAN: Bitch, I own you…

 

ALAN: No, you don’t, why is there a fuckin’ wet dog in our bed?

 

RYAN: I found him for us.

 

ALAN: You idiot, Zak would never allow that! And I wouldn’t want that shit anyway, he looks like he has so many fleas!

 

RYAN: He’s felt so unwanted all his life, can’t we give him a home?

 

ALAN: Holy shit, you’re drunk.

 

RYAN: I don’t like your new friends…

 

ALAN: You mean Alejandro and Jack? Yeah, they’re alright.

 

RYAN: They’re fuckin’ annoying. If I wanted to hear gay people talk shit and make unfunny jokes, I would…well, I wouldn’t want to hear that.

 

ALAN: Hey, I mean, they take us to parties, right?

 

RYAN: Come on, man. That deal isn’t worth it. You get to go to parties, but the catch is, you have to party with assholes? Fuck that. (Ryan sits up) Oh my God, my career is ruined.

 

ALAN: What do you mean?

 

(The dog jumps from the bed runs out the door, which is slightly propped open)

 

RYAN: Shit! COME BACK!!

 

(Ryan runs out the door)

 

ALAN: Ryan, NO!

 

(Alan runs after Ryan. “Hellhound On My Trail” by Robert Johnson plays as we see footage of Alan and Ryan trying desperately to chase this wet dog around the ninth floor of Whiteface Hall. They try to corner it near the elevators, but it escapes through Ryan’s legs. They then chase it downstairs for a while. Cut to the bottom floor, it escapes out the door as they open them, and then they chase it out of Whiteface Hall. The dog runs off into the distance. Alan stops to catch his breath, and Ryan vomits on the ground, as the song ends, they look at each other. Fade to black)

 

DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF MALIK “PHIFE DAWG” TAYLOR, 1970-2016

 

THE END


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