The Donahues Episode 248

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan must begin to put his life back in order in the wake of his impulse marriage to Fiona and spiritual transformation. Ryan and Madeline try to impress Kimberly on her 49th birthday so they can get larger portions of the inheritance and Jacob is tempted by a female basketball player in the army pretending to be a male

Submitted: July 10, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: July 10, 2016









“The sun came up with no conclusion- flowers sleeping in their beds. The city’s cemetery’s humming. I’m wide awake. It’s morning”

  • Conor Oberst


(We start with a close-up of Ethan’s face, which looks very grim. Around him, you can hear children giggling and fireworks shooting off. The camera slowly zooms out to show Fiona resting her head on his shoulder. It also becomes apparent they’re sitting on folding chairs near Lake Champlain)


FIONA: Ethan, isn’t this beautiful? I’ve never seen the lake this pretty before…Ethan?


ETHAN: Huh? Oh yeah, it’s great.


FIONA: Is something distracting you?


ETHAN: No, no, I’m fine. Just keep going, I’m listening.


(A couple of kids run past Ethan and Fiona, giggling)


FIONA: Look at those kids. We could have kids like that someday, couldn’t we?


(Ethan rubs his temple)


ETHAN: I already had kids like that. Except one of them just sat in the car and shot fireworks from out the window every July 4th.


FIONA: I know you’re fifty, and I’m thirty-eight, but if we’re too old to conceive by ourselves, maybe we could get help.


ETHAN: A threesome can’t conceive a child, Fiona.


FIONA: No, I mean, medically.


ETHAN: Since when do you want kids? I thought you hated kids!


FIONA: I did, but, man, you really changed my perspective on everything two weeks ago. I feel like life is just great now that we’re married.


ETHAN: Yeah, I know, I know, but, I’m just saying, I already have three kids. And they are…adequate.


FIONA: Come on, babe, just think about it.


(Fiona looks at Ethan)


ETHAN: …Okay, we’ll think about it.


FIONA: Thanks, babe. That’s all I needed. (Fiona rests her shoulder on Ethan’s shoulder again. Ethan starts grinding his teeth, and dilates his eyes) This is going to be the greatest summer ever.


(A roman candle flies over Ethan and Fiona causing them to duck slightly)



(A 13-year old kid walks over to them)


13-YEAR OLD KID: Hold STILL next time! GOSH!


(The kid walks away from them)


ETHAN: I wanna go kick that kid’s ass.


FIONA: Ethan.


ETHAN: I wanna go kick his ass!

FIONA: Ethan, what happened to peace and love and all that stuff?


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: I don’t know. It’s slowly wearing off.


(A big firework explodes before them)


FIONA: Look, it’s starting up again!


ETHAN: Yeah, look at that.


FIONA: So wait, are you still liberal?


ETHAN: That’s slowly wearing off too. Just two weeks ago I was watching The Young Turks all the time. Now I’m watching MSNBC.


FIONA: Oh, that, sucks.


ETHAN: I don’t know, they’re so charming. You know, Hillary should really pick Cory Booker as her VP. He has such a great smile.


FIONA: Plus, Wall Street will pull their money out if she picks Elizabeth Warren.


ETHAN: And she needs that money.  


FIONA: She’s gonna have to pay for Loretta Lynch’s summer home somehow.


ETHAN: Come on, now, we don’t know that Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch spoke about the investiga-I mean, security inquiry.


FIONA: It’s an investigation!


ETHAN: It’s more like a…scavenger hunt.


FIONA: Jesus, Ethan.


ETHAN: It’s a Sudoku puzzle.


(Cut to Sergeant Waverly wearing gym shorts and a T-shirt, in a military gym, with Jacob, Private Renzi, Private Matthews and a few other soldiers, stand in front of him, also wearing gym shorts and t-shirts that say “U.S. ARMY”)


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Alright you little squirts. Ugh. Sorry. Give me a second. (Sergeant Waverly closes his eyes and puts his hand to his forehead for ten seconds, as the soldiers look at one another, puzzled. Sergeant Waverly clears his throat and then opens his eyes and puts his hand down and looks at them) Listen up. Tonight is the army’s independence Day basketball game. This is a tradition, I’m told. Now, there have been a lot of terror attacks recently. Istanbul, Bangladesh, Baghdad and so on, so as a precaution, we’ve designated one of the players tonight to have a gun. But you won’t know who it is.


JACOB: It’s Renzi.


PRIVATE RENZI: Why do you say that, Jake?


JACOB: You have that bulge.


(Zoom out to see Renzi’s gym shorts have a gun shaped bulge on the side)


PRIVATE RENZI: How do you know that bulge isn’t my huge dong?


JACOB: Your dong is on your hip!?


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Okay, that’s enough, you ding dongs. Give me the gun, Renzi, this is a bad idea anyway.


(Private Renzi sighs and hands Sergeant Waverly the firearm)


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: Who are we playin’, sir?


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Some people from the Chicopee Air Force Base in Westover.


JACOB: I’ll kick their asses. I don’t know if you guys knows this, but back when I was a Junior in High School, my sports team almost made it to state.


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Was that sport basketball?


JACOB: Well, no, it was…golf.


PRIVATE RENZI: Then shut the fuck up.


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Alright, men. Let’s make this a top quality Independence Day basketball game.


JACOB: Yessir!


(Sergeant Waverly leads the men into the locker room. Cut to later that night. There is a large crowd of people, mostly military families and other members of the military. Cut to Kimberly, Luke and Noah DePinto in the stands)


LUKE: So, since this is an army basketball game, do the players get guns?


KIMBERLY: No they do not, Luke.


LUKE: Okay. I’m still trying to get used to your country’s gun-crazed culture.


NOAH: You know, I was super upset Boris Johnson took himself out of consideration for Prime Minister.


LUKE: I was ecstatic. My brother was in the room when Boris announced it, and my brother was like holding a Foster’s and smoking a fag and he said (trashy British accent) “yeah, you tell ‘em, Boris. Hop in my Jeep and we can go to the pub, my man”.


KIMBERLY: Did that really happen?


LUKE: (Regular British accent) Really did.


(Cut to Sergeant Waverly on the basketball court with a microphone)


SERGEANT WAVERLY: WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Many of you are here because someone you care about serves in the armed forces. (The crowd cheers) Today is Independence Day. A day to celebrate our armed forces. Our armed forces fought the dirty Brits 240 years ago in the American Revolution.


LUKE: Rub it in, why don’t you?


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Two basketball teams will face off tonight. One will leave victorious. The other, will be dishonorably discharged. (The crowd gasps) I’m just kidding. (The crowd grumbles) Sorry. Introducing, THE DEVENS ARMY BASE LIOOOOONS!!!


(The crowd goes wild as Jacob, Private Renzi, Private Matthews, and the rest of the team comes onto the court. Jacob waves to his mom, stepdad and General DePinto. Jacob leans over to Private Renzi’s ear)


JACOB: I wonder why Renee isn’t here.


PRIVATE RENZI: Maybe her side hoe just got off work.


JACOB: Fuck you.


PRIVATE RENZI: Fuck you too.




(The Chicopee Air Force Base Wildebeests run out onto the court to raucous applause. One of the players is someone who appears to be a woman wearing a fake beard, with the name “WOODS” on the back of her jersey. Jacob looks at this woman, perplexed)


JACOB: (To Renzi) Aren’t beards disallowed in the Air Force?


PRIVATE RENZI: I think they make exceptions for Sikh and Muslim members.


JACOB: Even when it’s…a woman?




JACOB: That soldier looks like a lady.


PRIVATE RENZI: With a beard?


JACOB: Yeah, like a bearded lady.


PRIVATE RENZI: No, I think you’re just trying to find an excuse to be attracted to that guy.


JACOB: Shut up, dude, I’m married!

PRIVATE RENZI: Then why are you so enamored?


JACOB: Because look at how smooth her skin is.


PRIVATE RENZI: You’re such a weirdo.




(The teams line up on opposite sides of each other. Sergeant Waverly throws the ball up, and the teams battle over who should get it. Ms. Woods gets the ball as Sergeant Waverly walks off the court. Ms. Woods starts dribbling towards the basket, but Renzi and Jacob block her. Woods then passes it to another member of her team, who makes a basket, causing the buzzer to go off, and part of the crowd to go wild. Jacob walks over to Woods)


JACOB: Who are you?


(Ms. Woods winks at Jacob and has the ball passed to her. Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi, Private Matthews and the rest in the locker room afterwards)


PRIVATE RENZI: We really got embarrassed out there.


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: I told Sergeant Waverly, we should’ve been allowed to have guns.


(Jacob pulls his sports bag out of his locker)


JACOB: They beat us fair and square.


(Jacob pulls out a pack of cigarettes)


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: I wonder why we lost. Our lung capacity is so great.


(Jacob puts the cigarette in his mouth)


JACOB: Fuck off.


(Jacob walks outside, through the back door, to behind the building where he lights his cigarette. He inhales and exhales the smoke, and then turns to the side to see Ms. Woods smoking a cigarette as well)


MS. WOODS: Hello there.


JACOB: Shit! You scared me!


MS. WOODS: I noticed we scared you out on the court, too.


JACOB: Nah, it was just a friendly game. I wasn’t really trying. I let you guys win.


MS. WOODS: Are you gonna do that when you’re in war?


JACOB: …Probably not.


MS. WOODS: Donahue, huh? Is that Irish?


JACOB: Woods, huh? Is that…Muslim?


MS. WOODS: What would make you think that?


JACOB: Because you have a beard. Despite the Air Force’s ban on beards.


MS. WOODS: I tell them I’m Seikh. But really... (Ms. Woods walks up to Jacob and gets close) I just like to wear a beard.


(Jacob takes a drag of his cigarette and blows the smoke to the side)


JACOB: You’re not really a man.


MS. WOODS: What made you guess?


JACOB: The fact that I’m erect right now.


MS. WOODS: Don’t be so sure.


JACOB: Why would you pretend to be a man? Women are allowed in the Air Force.


MS. WOODS: But they’re not respected.


JACOB: Are…Seikhs respected?


MS. WOODS: As long as they’re not too brown.


JACOB: I see.


(Ms. Woods runs her finger through Jacob’s hair as she takes a drag from her cigarette)


MS. WOODS: My real name’s Sheila, by the way.


JACOB: Listen, I’m married.


SHEILA: We all have boos back home. But we’re not home. Aren’t you tired of dusting your broom?


JACOB: That’s such a weird euphemism.


SHEILA: I’ll be here for the next couple of days.




(Sheila takes a drag and blows smoke in Jacob’s face)


SHEILA: It’s tradition.


(Sheila puts her cigarette out on the ground and walks away. Jacob puts his cigarette out and puts another one in his mouth)


JACOB: Oh, Lord, give me strength.


(Jacob lights his cigarette. Cut to Kimberly, Luke, Ryan and Madeline watching FBI Director James Comey speak on television)


DIRECTOR COMEY: Although we did not find clear evidence that Secretary Clinton, or her colleagues, intended to violate laws governing the handling of classified information, there IS evidence that they were extremely careless in their handling of very sensitive, highly classified information. For example, seven e-mail chains concerned matters that were classified at the top secret, special access program, at the time they were sent and received.


LUKE: That’s weird, I thought Hillary said there were no e-mails that were classified at the time she sent them.


KIMBERLY: They were probably just, e-mails about surprise parties for State Department employees or something-


LUKE: Kim, they were top secret.


KIMBERLY: Well then they should’ve made the e-mails self-destruct after you read them! That’s not on her!

LUKE: Kim, you can’t blindly defend Hillary about EVERYTHING she does. She was extremely careless with classified information. That’s a serious blunder.


KIMBERLY: Sure, she made a mistake.


LUKE: Constantly. For four years.


KIMBERLY: Hey, I made a mistake constantly for twenty-two years! I was married to Ethan Donahue!


LUKE: Don’t try to butter me up, Hillary really, really fucked up. She needlessly jeopardized secrets.


KIMBERLY: Well, when you have a bunch of insane people constantly trying to find scandals to destroy your career with, you might want to have a private e-mail server as well.


LUKE: But by doing that, she created an entirely new scandal! Perhaps the FIRST scandal about her that’s ACTUALLY a scandal! And don’t think it’s over, if she gets elected, they’re going to investigate this over and over for the next four to eight years! Hell, even if Trump wins I bet they still investigate her about it. They just finished their NINTH report on Benghazi.


KIMBERLY: Wait, hold on, I think the announcement is about to happen.


DIRECTOR COMEY: She also used her personal e-mail extensively while outside the United States, including sending and receiving work-related e-mails in the territory of sophisticated adversaries. Given that combination of factors, we assess it is possible that hostile actors gained access to Secretary Clinton’s personal e-mail account. Looking back at our investigations into the mishandling or removal of classified information, we CANNOT find a case that would support bringing criminal charges on these facts.


(Kimberly stands up)




(Madeline stands up)




RYAN: Suck-up.


MADELINE (Whispering) Shut up.


RYAN: This is a really bad day for President Obama and Hillary to be campaigning together.


(Kimberly sits down)


KIMBERLY: Man, I love her.


LUKE: You’re excited because Hillary barely got away with mishandling classified information?


RYAN: That’s honestly as excited as one can get about this election. All the excitement is gone now. Without an indictment, Bernie Sanders is done.


(Madeline scoffs)


MADELINE: Listen to the Bernie Bro.


RYAN: What you’re doing is so obvious.


MADELINE: What do you mean?


KIMBERLY: We need to get back to work. We had to lay off some of our warehouse workers, so we’re unloading trucks by ourselves.


RYAN: Hey, I’ll help you with that!



RYAN: Yes, of course.


MADELINE: Me too! I will too. I was going to suggest it first, but I was thinking of the gift I’m gonna get you for your birthday tomorrow.


RYAN: Me too, but I multitasked.


(Kimberly furrows her brow)


KIMBERLY: Okay, yeah, come with us, I guess.


(Ryan and Madeline follow Kimberly and Luke out of the house. Cut to Ryan and Madeline unloading a truck full of boxes while Kimberly and Luke sit and watch. The truck driver is leaning against the truck, on his phone, while chewing gum. Ryan and Madeline are sweating in the hot weather)


RYAN: Hey, can’t that guy help us with this?


TRUCK DRIVER: That’s above my pay grade, fucko.


KIMBERLY: Hey, man. Don’t do that.


TRUCK DRIVER: Don’t take offense, I call everyone that.


LUKE: Are you sure you guys don’t need help?

MADELINE: No, we’re fine. Heh heh.


(Ryan takes off his shirt)


RYAN: Shit, it’s so hot out here. And I haven’t done manual labor since I had to light the candles on Kristel’s birthday cake.


KIMBERLY: Oh, it’s a little hot out here?


RYAN: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: Maybe you should take off all your clothes. You might not get arrested for it this time.


(Ryan’s eyes widen)


RYAN: What?




KIMBERLY: That’s right, we know about what happened in Sacramento.


RYAN: How do you know that?


LUKE: It’s called news.


KIMBERLY: It was also in a BuzzFeed listicle about the ten worst concerts of all time.


RYAN: That’s harsh.


KIMBERLY: What is wrong with you!?


RYAN: I was making a statement! Clothes are…honestly, dumb!


MADELINE: So you’re a nudist?


RYAN: No, I’m not a-okay, you wanna hear the truth?


KIMBERLY: Why do people even bother asking that question?


RYAN: My label had unreasonable demands of me. That was my way of telling them to fuck themselves.


MADELINE: Did they drop you?


RYAN: Yes.


KIMBERLY: Jesus, Ryan! You gave up your record label deal to make a point!

RYAN: I didn’t want to sell my soul, I’m sorry!


KIMBERLY: You NEVER miss a chance to disappoint me! Luke. You know what to do.


(Luke stands up and walks into the building)


RYAN: Oh, God. Is he getting his cane to give me a weird British beating?


MADELINE: You know what he’s doing.


RYAN: Oh, right. Mom. What can I do to make this up to you?


KIMBERLY: Keep unloading.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Alright then.


(Ryan continues unloading boxes. Luke comes in with a cane)


LUKE: Alright, let me have at him.



LUKE: Sorry! (Luke sits down) My pop-pop came out for a second there.


MADELINE: Can I take a break?




(Madeline puts a box down and walks over to Kimberly)


MADELINE: Is there anything I can do inside? Where the air conditioning is?


LUKE: You can be lookout for Doyle while he has his yearly Diet Coke. He really doesn’t like anybody to catch him in the act.


(Madeline nods her head)


MADELINE: I can do that.


(Madeline walks inside)


RYAN: Can I take a break-




TRUCK DRIVER: And hurry too. My phone is losing charge and this Tinder match is SQUIRMING!


RYAN: You’re a fuckin’ weirdo, man.


TRUCK DRIVER: Hey! Don’t call me that!

RYAN: Oh, don’t worry, I call everyone that.


LUKE: I think you mean everyone calls you that.


(Cut to Ethan Donahue speaking at a press conference for his campaign, outside his apartment complex)


REPORTER: Mr. Donahue, can you explain why you’ve appeared to moderate your newfound liberal positions over the past few weeks?


ETHAN: Well, I’ve revoked my endorsement of Jill Stein, and I’m supporting Hillary Clinton, because I think a vote for Jill Stein is a vote for Donald Trump. And I’m seeing some movement for Hillary. She wasn’t indicted, first of all, which is great, because as Jeffrey Toobin from CNN said, our jails are full enough. We don’t need Hillary in there trading speeches for packs of cigarettes and toothbrush shivs.


REPORTER: I don’t think she would’ve gone to that type of prison-


ETHAN: Any further questions?


(Councilman Deters stands up in the back of the press pool)


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Yeah, I’m from “Your Momma’s Arse Monthly”.


ETHAN: Why would that be a thing, man?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: And I’m here to ask, why in the name of the good God Jesus are you lying to the people of Hansbay? One day you believe this, the next day you believe something else!


ETHAN: You know what, Deters? I’m tired of you interrupting my press conferences.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Then maybe you should agree to a DEBATE! (Leads chant) DEBATE! DEBATE! DEBATE!


(People start chanting “debate”)


ETHAN: You guys are reporters! Aren’t you supposed to be neutral!?


REPORTER: I just want to see someone’s throat ripped out.


(The reporters clamor. Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Fine. You want a debate? You’ve got it. Where and when?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Hansbay High auditorium. This Friday. Moderated by Richard Stovall. Two men enter. One man leaves.


ETHAN: We’re not gonna be physically fighting…


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Well, I’m roiding for it anyway.


(Councilman Deters pops a couple pills and points two fingers at his eyes and then at Ethan’s eyes as he walks away. Cut to Richard Stovall and Quinn Porter sitting at a desk in Hansbay High’s auditorium with a news camera pointed at them. They are on live TV)


RICHARD STOVALL: Good evening. I’m Richard Stovall.


QUINN PORTER: And I’m Quinn Porter. This is the 2016 Hansbay City Council debate, sponsored by Cooky Old Laura’s Quality Manure. It’s literally bullshit.


RICHARD: Last night, Vermonters, Texans and indeed all Americans were shocked and saddened by the violent assassination, by a sniper, of five police officers in Dallas, Texas during a Black Lives Matter protest last night. The protests were a reaction to the controversial shooting deaths of Philando Castile in St. Paul, Minnesota and Alton Sterling in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. So, Mr. Donahue, I will ask you, with respect to law enforcement, how would you as a city councilor build better relations between Hansbay Police and the people of Hansbay?


ETHAN: Well, first of all, I just want to express my solidarity with the Dallas Police Department and the people of Dallas. When Mayor Sarandon was shot, I remember the chaos that ensued vividly, and how difficult it was to heal the city. So I wish Mayor Rawlings the best and I wish the best for the families of the five officers who were slain during an otherwise peaceful protest. But I also hold solidarity with the families of Philando Castile and Alton Sterling. You know, back when I was a conservative, every time a black man was shot by a police officer, I felt, safe. Warm and safe. Almost like I was curling up with a good book. But now that I’m more liberal, I feel absolutely stunned and saddened by these two incidences. So, as a City Councilor, I would make sure our police are well trained enough to understand when and when not to use lethal force. I want to make sure that Hansbay’s black person feels safe in his own community. Because if he gets shot, then we’re out our only black person, and that won’t be good for the tank that our department is hoping to get from the Federal Government next year.


RICHARD: Thank you, Mr. Donahue. Councilman Deters, same question to you.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Well, I think what happened in Dallas last night was an unspeakable tragedy. And personally, I’m offended that Mr. Donahue is suddenly liberal on this issue because he wants the black vote in this city.


ETHAN: There’s only one black guy who lives here-


COUNCILMAN DETERS: It’s MY time, Mr. Donahue!


ETHAN: Sorry.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: We need to support our cops. No matter what they do. And honestly, I feel like Mr. Donahue is a robot who will say anything just to get elected.


(Parts of the crowd applaud)


QUINN: Mr. Donahue, would you like to respond?


ETHAN: Yes, I would. I have had a change of-




ETHAN: Mrs. Porter!


QUINN: Hmm? Keep going.


ETHAN: He was interrupting me!

QUINN: Oh. Sorry. I couldn’t tell the difference.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: That’s what I’m saying! He’s a robot! Don’t let him laser your kids to smithereens!




COUNCILMAN DETERS: And how would a robot even be able to be a city councilor? He’d have to charge himself in his office! The taxpayers shouldn’t have to pay for that!

ETHAN: Hold on, do you think I’m literally a robot?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: You know, my wife and my newborn baby went camping over the weekend. I was roasting some wieners, when my newborn looked up at me and said “daddy, I’m scared. What is Hansbay coming to”? And I said “son, I don’t know”. And if Mr. Donahue takes office, I fear for our future.


RICHARD: Mr. Donahue?


ETHAN: I have some doubt your newborn looked at up and you and started speaking, but, uh…listen, I, uh, I am not a robot. I am a… (Ethan looks at Fiona, who is in the audience, watching. She looks uncomfortable) I too have a family, and um, I actually… (Ethan sighs) I have a baby on the way with my girlfriend Fiona. (The audience goes “awwww”. Fiona looks surprised, and then smiles widely) So, trust me, I’m human. I impregnated a woman. So I kind of have to be. And uh, I’m concerned about his or her future should Councilman Deters serve another four years in office.


RICHARD: Congratulations. When is she due?


ETHAN: Uh, yeah, she’s uh- due, (whispering quickly) August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March- (regular tone of voice) April. April of next year.


QUINN: Well, we look forward to meeting him or her.


ETHAN: He or she will be a cute or handsome child. Heh.


QUINN: I have another question for Mr. Donahue. Up until recently, you were a registered Republican, now you are a registered Democrat. Correct?


ETHAN: Yes, I left the party because of Trump.


QUINN: Okay, before you left the party, you RSVP’d to attend the Republican National Convention in Cleveland. Are you still planning on attending?


ETHAN: Yes, I made a commitment and the hotel reservation is non-refundable. Plus I kinda want to see it devolve into utter chaos.


QUINN: Will you also be attending the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia?


ETHAN: Yes I will.


QUINN: And you, Councilman Deters?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I will be at the RNC. But I won’t be at the DNC with all those filthy liberals.


(Councilman Deters winks)


QUINN: …So are you going to the DNC or no?




(Councilman Deters calmly blinks only one eye)


QUINN: …I’m just gonna write down that you’re going.




(Councilman Deters calmly winks again. Cut to Jacob sitting on the bottom bunk of his bunk bed in the army lodging. Privates Renzi and Matthews are talking to him. There a ton of other soldiers in the room as well, socializing)


JACOB: She came on so strong, dude. She wants the D.


PRIVATE RENZI: Apparently you do too, Jake.


JACOB: Oh my God, she’s not a man! She told me she’s posing as one to gain the respect of her fellow Airmen!


PRIVATE RENZI: Don’t airmen take showers together? Couldn’t they notice?


JACOB: Come on, we all know airmen have micro-penises.




(Jacob and Renzi high-five)


JACOB: This whole thing is ridiculous. I’m so tempted.


PRIVATE RENZI: Then do it!

JACOB: No! I can’t! I love Renee too much.


PRIVATE RENZI: Jake, you know my feelings about monogamy. If people just stopped getting emotionally attached to people already, it wouldn’t be such a big deal!

PRIVATE MATTHEWS: You’ve never been emotionally attached to anybody?


PRIVATE RENZI: Only my Grandpa Herbert.


(Cut to Private Renzi sitting in a living room across from his Grandpa Herbert)


GRANDPA HERBERT: …You should always keep a tape measure with you, so you can measure a woman’s breasts to see if she’s suitable to bear and feed your child.


(Private Renzi nods)


PRIVATE RENZI: I’m fond of you, Grandpa Herbert.


(Cut back)


JACOB: Do you do that?


PRIVATE RENZI: All the time, baby. (Private Renzi pulls out a tape measure) It can double as a switch for when she bears the child.


JACOB: Oh my God.


PRIVATE RENZI: He’s from a different time.


(A note slips under the door)


JACOB: Oh, shit. (Jacob walks over and grabs the note. He reads it) “Jacob- meet me in the forest at 3: 15 sharp. Sheila”.


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: Good God, man, I have never seen a thirstier bitch.


JACOB: I think I’m gonna go meet her.


PRIVATE RENZI: Are you gonna smash?


JACOB: No, I’m gonna tell her I’m flattered, but I can’t.




PRIVATE MATTHEWS: Shut up, Marcus. Good for you, Jake.


JACOB: Thanks.


(Jacob turns around to leave)




(Jacob turns to Renzi, and Renzi throws him the tape measure)


JACOB: …Thanks. I guess.


(Jacob leaves)


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: He’s gonna fuck her.


PRIVATE RENZI: He’s DEFINITELY gonna fuck her.


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: You should’ve given him condoms.


PRIVATE RENZI: I don’t like condoms.


(Cut to Jacob waiting in the forest)


JACOB: …Man, I just realized she didn’t specify what part of the forest I should meet her in- (An arrow whizzes past Jacob) AHHH!!!


(The arrow pierces a nearby tree, as Sheila comes out from behind a tree wielding a bow and arrow)


SHEILA: The most dangerous game of all. Man.


(Jacob turns to Sheila)



SHEILA: Oh, calm down, pussy. It was just a joke. (Sheila slings the bow and arrow on her book) That’s not to say you’re not my target, though.


(Sheila leans in for a kiss, but Jacob stops her)


JACOB: Hold on a second, okay? I’m very flattered, but I’m very married.


SHEILA: Then why’d you meet me?


JACOB: To let you know I’m not interested.


SHEILA: Huh. (Sheila nods. She then pulls an apple out of her pocket) Do you mind putting this on your head?


JACOB: Jesus, you’re crazy.


(Jacob starts kissing Sheila’s neck. Sheila takes off her beard and starts making out with him. They drop to the ground. Jacob pulls down his pants, as does Sheila. He begins thrusting his penis into her vagina. A fox comes by and picks up her beard, and runs into the wilderness with it. Cut to Jacob and Sheila sitting against a tree, smoking cigarettes)


SHEILA: My God, it’s a beautiful day.


JACOB: I know. Where’d your beard go?


SHEILA: I don’t know. It’s fine, I have a back-up in my bag.


JACOB: …So what do you see in me?


SHEILA: I mean, I like athletic guys.


JACOB: You know, when I was in High School-


SHEILA: Your team almost went to state, I know, you mentioned it while you were in me.


JACOB: Jesus, really? Something’s wrong with me.


SHEILA: Isn’t it almost time for your drills?


(Jacob looks at his wrist watch)


JACOB: Shit, yes it is. (Jacob stands up and turns to Sheila) Um…thanks for this.


SHEILA: Don’t do that, that’s weird.


JACOB: True.  Speaking of weird. (Jacob takes out a tape measure) Well, never mind.


(Sheila stands up and takes out her bow and arrow)


SHEILA: If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go hunt down the furry woodland fucker who stole my beard.


JACOB: I thought you had a back-up.


SHEILA: That doesn’t mean I tolerate theft.


(Sheila loads her bow and heads deeper into the forest. Jacob sighs and walks out of the forest. Cut to Jacob walking to his lodging. Sergeant Waverly is standing outside the lodging)



(Jacob stands straight and salutes Sergeant Waverly)




SERGEANT WAVERLY: Drills begin in five minutes. But first, you have a call from your wife.


(Jacob gulps)


JACOB: Okay. (Sergeant Waverly points to a building. Jacob walks into the building and walks over to a desk, where a home phone is sitting on it. Jacob picks it up) Hello?


RENEE: (On the other line) I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your basketball game today, babe! I was dreadfully sick.


JACOB: Oh, god, you are, with what?!

RENEE: I just have a cold, it’s like a week-long thing.


(Jacob starts crying)


JACOB: Oh, gooood…my baby’s dying!

RENEE: What? Jacob, what are you talking about?! I’m not dying! Why are you crying?!


JACOB: I have to go.


(Jacob hangs up. Cut to Ryan continuing to unload boxes while Kimberly watches)


RYAN: Mom, please…if I stay out here any longer I won’t be pale enough to attend the Vampire Society’s meeting in the forest next week.


KIMBERLY: I don’t really mind that.


(Ryan puts the box down)


RYAN: Listen, this isn’t worth it anymore.


KIMBERLY: What do you mean?


RYAN: I mean that I was only doing all these favors because I wanted a higher percentage of your inheritance! (Kimberly furrows her brow) Oh, shit.


KIMBERLY: How did you even know that I-


RYAN: Madeline found out.


KIMBERLY: Is that why she’s doing this too?


RYAN: Yes.


KIMBERLY: You son of a bitch.


RYAN: You realize that’s you, right?


KIMBERLY: Watch yourself.


RYAN: Sorry.


KIMBERLY: You guys know that I have at least thirty or more years before I die, what were you guys going to do? Suck up to me until I kicked it?


RYAN: Yeah, we didn’t really have a…definite end game there.


(Kimberly shakes her head)


KIMBERLY: I can’t believe you guys. Trying to plunder my will the day before my birthday.


(Kimberly comes in holding a box of donuts)


MADELINE: I bought donuts for everyone in the company, mom. Hope you don’t mind. Doyle passed out, by the way. But that was hours ago.


KIMBERLY: Ryan gave you away, Maddie.




(Kimberly turns to Madeline)


KIMBERLY: To ME. He told me what you guys’ end goal is.


MADELINE: Oh. Well, thanks, Ryan. You’re not getting a donut.


RYAN: That shit’s unhealthy anyway.


MADELINE: Okay, I’m gonna fuckin’ force feed this to you now.


KIMBERLY: Guys, shut it. You’re taking advantage of me! How do you think that makes me feel?


RYAN: I see it more like we’re trying to prove our worth to you.


MADELINE: A competition which I clearly win.


RYAN: Just because I’m bi doesn’t mean I’m worth less.


MADELINE: Come on, man, that is not what I said.


RYAN: I’m a victim!

KIMBERLY: I can’t even look at you guys right now. Maddie, how did you find out about my system?


(Madeline walks over, and now stands in front of Kimberly)


MADELINE: I found some documents on the coffee table two weeks ago.


(Kimberly shakes her head)


KIMBERLY: Damnit, Luke.


(Ryan checks his phone)


RYAN: Oh, awesome! Theneedledrop just put up their review of my latest album, this’ll put you in a better mood, mom.


(Ryan turns the phone towards Kimberly. Anthony Fantano is reviewing the album in this video)


ANTHONY: Hi everyone, Anthony Fantano her, and it’s time for a review of the latest Depraved Hallway Fern record, Bloodspray. Depraved Hallway Fern is a Vermont metalcore act who’ve been active since 2012, I first heard of them when they released their 2014 record Televising Cremations, which I loved-


KIMBERLY: I’m not gonna listen to this guy talk about a metal album for eight minutes.


RYAN: Alright, let’s skip to the end.


(Ryan skips to the end of the video)


ANTHONY: Anyway, I’m feeling a strong four to a light five on this record. Tran-


(Ryan closes his phone)


RYAN: Shit. That backfired.


KIMBERLY: Was that five out of ten? Or five?


RYAN: …Five?


KIMBERLY: I don’t believe you.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I’m sorry, okay? Who knows where I’ll be financially in thirty years? Depending on who the next President is, I could be living under a bridge or living under a slightly nicer bridge with a scrappy group of gay homeless tramps.


KIMBERLY Go home, you guys. Your help isn’t wanted here.


(Kimberly goes inside. Ryan and Madeline glare at one another. Cut to Ethan and Fiona walking into their apartment. Fiona is giggling, and Ethan is smirking)


FIONA: You did so great up there, honey.


ETHAN: Thanks, yeah, I felt good about it.


FIONA: Imagine the look on our child’s face someday when we tell him he was created for political reasons.


(Fiona starts giggling, Ethan chuckles)


ETHAN: Man, you’ve had a lot of wine.


FIONA: Well, hey, it was available.


ETHAN: Yeah, because you brought it to the debate.


FIONA: Well, I brought it for everyone.


ETHAN: You’re the only one who drank it.


FIONA: Anyone was welcome to it! (Fiona giggles and falls on the couch, as Ethan walks over to his liquor cabinet) What are you doing?!


(Ethan turns to Fiona)


ETHAN: …What do you mean? I’m making a drink.


FIONA: You can’t be drunk for baby-making!

ETHAN: Wait, we’re trying tonight?!


FIONA: Yeah, and drinking’s not gonna help your sex drive!

ETHAN: YOU’RE drunk!

FIONA: Just put it down and let’s fuck. (Fiona pulls Ethan by the arm into the next room. Cut to Ethan having vaginal sex with Fiona on their bed) Hey, do you mind putting on a condom and poking a hole through it? I’ve actually always kind of liked the feeling of latex in my pussy.


ETHAN: Okay, that’s enough talking. Let’s just do this silently, please.


(Cut to Jacob smoking a cigarette outside his lodging quarters. Sheila walks over to him)


JACOB: Hi, Sheila.


SHEILA: Hey, Jakey.


JACOB: Did you catch that animal that took your fake beard?


SHEILA: Yep. Then I made into a new fake beard.


JACOB: Oh my God.


SHEILA: So listen, I’m not really happy in the Air Force, so…I’m thinking about transferring to the army, and beginning my training here at Fort Devens.


(Jacob takes a drag of his cigarette)


JACOB: I want to fuck you right now, so I’m just gonna go inside.


(Jacob throws his cigarette on the ground and stomps it out, and then runs inside his lodging. Cut to Jacob walking in to see Private Renzi and Private Matthews sitting on the bottom bunk of Jacob and Marcus’ bunk bed)


PRIVATE RENZI: What’s up, Jacob?


(Jacob grins his teeth for a few seconds)


JACOB: We’re both just about done with basic, right? (Jacob sits down next to Renzi) I’m hoping to be stationed somewhere really far away. Not in the U.S.




JACOB: Because…I fucked Sheila, okay?


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: Yeah, we figured.


JACOB: I feel terrible, but she just told me she wants to start basic at Fort Devens. And I can’t get her crazy, insane pussy out of my mind. She fucks like a meteor is headed towards the Earth.


PRIVATE RENZI: So you wanna be stationed far away to get away from her?


JACOB: Yes. Would you guys come with me?


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: It’s not really up to us.


JACOB: I know, but we can let our desires be known to Waverly.


PRIVATE MATTHEWS: To tell you the truth, Jake, I don’t necessarily want to be stationed far away.






PRIVATE RENZI: My family are a bunch of…morons. My dad hits me. My mom is a schizoid, and my brothers are drug addicts. I want to get as far away from them as possible. That’s why I joined the army. Also because of Black Ops two.


JACOB: So you would go with me?


(Private Renzi stands up and extends his hand to Jacob)


PRIVATE RENZI: Yes, Jacob. Yes, I would.


(Jacob smiles)


JACOB: You called me Jacob.


PRIVATE RENZI: …Yep. Actually, I take that back, I still like Jake better.


(Jacob shrugs)


JACOB: I’ll take it.


(Jacob shakes Private Renzi’s hand. Cut to Private Renzi and Jacob sitting in front of Sergeant Waverly’s desk. Sergeant Waverly stands up and looks at a painting of Washington crossing the Delaware)




JACOB: Yes, sir.


SERGEANT WAVERLY: One of my descendants was on the boat with him.


JACOB: Really?

SERGEANT WAVERLY: Yes. He complained about having to work on Christmas and was thus thrown overboard by the rest of the crew to drown in the freezing waters of the Delaware.




SERGEANT WAVERLY: Ever since I was told that story, at age nine, I have strived not to be a coward. (Sergeant Waverly sits down) If you’re here to request that you be stationed at some cushy base in Barcelona or Japan or Cancun or some shit-then I’ll make sure you’re stationed somewhere challenging.


JACOB: We’re not here to do that, sir. We don’t care where we’re stationed, as long as it’s far away.


PRIVATE RENZI: Outside the Americas.


(Sergeant Waverly leans back)


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Is Afghanistan far away enough for you?


(Jacob and Private Renzi look at each other, and then look at Sergeant Waverly. Jacob gulps)


JACOB: Yes sir.


SERGEANT WAVERLY: Perfect. President Obama’s announced that we’re keeping 8,000 or so troops there through 2017, and we’re supposed to deploy 500 troops there soon. And we needed two more. (Sergeant Waverly takes out two small bags and pushes them across the desk) This is your Afghanistan deployment essentials kit.


(Jacob and Private Renzi open their bags. Jacob and Renzi both take out a bottle of sun screen)


PRIVATE RENZI: There’s just a bottle of sun screen in here.


SERGEANT WAVERLY: We’re having some funding problems, to be sure.


(Cut to Madeline, Ryan, Kimberly and Luke sitting at a booth in a fancy restaurant. Ryan is on a laptop)


RYAN: Jacob isn’t answering his Skype. He’s probably busy whipping his friends in the shower.


KIMBERLY: Well, just keep the laptop open in case he calls back.


RYAN: Okay.


(Ryan turns the laptop around and pushes it aside)


MADELINE: So, uh, happy birthday, mom!

KIMBERLY: Thanks, Maddie.


LUKE: How does it feel to be- (Kimberly steps on Luke’s foot) OWWW! What the hell?! I didn’t even say an age yet!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, but you were about to placate me about it.


LUKE: You’re forty-nine!

KIMBERLY: And it feels terrible. I have only one year left in my forties. Then I’ll be an old woman.


LUKE: That’s not true, love.


RYAN: Yeah, mom. You’ll just be a menopausal woman.


MADELINE: What is wrong with you?


RYAN: I’m sorry, I can’t handle good feelings.


(The waiter comes over)


WAITER: Hey everybody, I’m Tom, I’ll be serving you tonight, what can I get started for you tonight? Drinks?


KIMBERLY: I’ll have a Zinfidel white wine.


LUKE: Same here.


MADELINE: I’ll have a Doctor Pepper.


WAITER: Sure thing.


RYAN: Can I have spiders?


WAITER: Spiders?


RYAN: Pour me a brimming glass of spiders.


LUKE: He’ll have a milk.


WAITER: Okay then.


(The waiter walks away)


RYAN: Why milk?


LUKE: Why spiders!?


RYAN: Listen mom, I know I’ve disappointed you recently. But I’m here to make it up to you.


KIMBERLY: How exactly?


RYAN: This is my gift for your 49th birthday. (Ryan takes out a vinyl copy of Depraved Hallway Fern’s Bloodspray. The cover depicts sunglasses sitting on the floor of a cave with blood spatter on them) I pulled some strings and got one hundred of these printed with- (he flips the record around to the back, where it shows a picture of Kimberly with the words “Dedicated to Ryan’s Mom, Kimberly” above the picture, and the words “May She Outlive Me” below the picture) this on the back.


(Kimberly smiles)




LUKE: Look at that. “May she outlive me”?


KIMBERLY: That’s kinda dark, but that’s totally you.


RYAN: That’s how I express affection. (Kimberly sniffs and wipes tears from her eyes) Maddie and I are really sorry for everything, mom.


MADELINE: Yes, we are. That’s why I had Ryan add a bonus track to the album, which is just a slam poem I wrote and performed about how much I love and appreciate you.


RYAN: It’s so good, I bet it’ll shoot theneedledrop’s rating up to a ten.


(Kimberly chuckles as she sniffs and wipes tears away)


KIMBERLY: I can’t wait to listen to it, Maddie. (Madeline nods) Thank you guys.


(Kimberly reaches her hands across the table and Ryan and Madeline grab them. Luke puts his hand on her shoulder. Then, Jacob calls on Skype)


RYAN: Oh shit, here we go.


(They all let go of each other’s hands and Ryan answers the call. Jacob is seen skyping from his bunk bed with his headphones on)


JACOB: Hey guys! Sorry I didn’t answer your call earlier, me and the boys were playing gun ball.


KIMBERLY: What is gun ba-


JACOB: I also just got off the phone with Renee, and um…I told her something. That I’m now going to tell you guys.


MADELINE: What is it?


JACOB: First off, happy birthday, mom.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, get to it.


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: …I’m being deployed, within the next couple weeks, to Afghanistan.


(Stunned silence falls upon the table)




RYAN: …Maybe it’s time to write Jacob’s will…


(Cut to black)









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