“MARBLE JUNGLE PART 2”
“Mr. Speaker, point of order? Is it on hell that we are bent? When we live and die with petty arguments, but pass corruption by unanimous consent?”
- Sean Byrne
(We start with Asian Woman who works at the George Washington University Inn talking on the phone behind the counter)
ASIAN WOMAN: I don’t give head, because I don’t give head, Patrick. It’s weird...I do love you, I just… (A man walks up to the woman) don’t like to give you head…it’s unnatural!
MAN: Excuse me?
ASIAN WOMAN: Hold on. (She puts the phone to her chest) This is a business call, could you hold on?
MAN: It’s clearly not a business call.
ASIAN WOMAN: Well, it is my boss.
ASIAN WOMAN: I’m going to have to call you back.
(She hangs up the phone)
MAN: You didn’t even say that into the phone, you just said that to me and hung up on the other guy-
ASIAN WOMAN: Can I help you?
MAN: Yes. (The camera swings around to reveal the man is Ethan and behind him is Kimberly, Madeline and Jacob) I’m looking for Ryan Donahue, Michelle Reed and Brennan Sanford.
ASIAN WOMAN: Are you the package he’s expecting?
ETHAN: No, I’m a…I’m a human.
ASIAN WOMAN: Are you the taxi he’s expecting?
ASIAN WOMAN: Are you the stripper he’s expecting?
ETHAN: Jesus, no, was he expecting a stripper?
(Ryan and Michelle walk arm in arm into the lobby, then stop in shock as the rest of the Donahues turn around)
RYAN: Oh, shit.
ETHAN: You fucking cunt.
ETHAN: I MEANT RYAN.
RYAN: Dad, I didn’t mean to-
KIMBERLY: Mean to do what? To make us worried sick about where you were and who you were with?
ETHAN: Shut your fucking mouth. You are going to be up to your cunt in shit when we get home.
RYAN: You keep saying-
ETHAN: Cunt. Yeah. Because that word is most indicative of the amount of anger I possess towards you at this moment. Got that, cunt?
ASIAN WOMAN: Got it!
ETHAN: Wow, not talking to you.
RYAN: Listen, I can explain-
ETHAN: No, you listen. We’re going back home and once we get there you’re going to endure a punishment so severe you’ll wish you were a black man living in Alabama in 1854.
RYAN: I doubt that.
ETHAN: DOUBT NOTHING.
JACOB: You are so goddamn self-centered, you can’t just leave whenever you want, just willy nilly mamby pamby and not give a good fuck what we might think!
MADELINE: You are a cunt.
JACOB: That’s honestly the best word to call you right now, but I also feel like it’s not harsh enough.
KIMBERLY: You’re a cunt, honey.
ASIAN WOMAN: A total cunt.
(Brennan comes in)
BRENNAN: Hey! AH! DONAHUES!
ETHAN: That’s right.
RYAN: Listen, guys, I’m sorry for what I did. It was incredibly impulsive and selfish, and I apologize, I’ll do anything to win back your favor. I’ll spy on Scott for a while!
KIMBERLY: Great, because I’m sick of doing it. His mom’s a psycho. I’m just trying to stay out of jail.
RYAN: I’ll feed Chinaberry for a while-by the way, where is Chinaberry?
JACOB: We left him with Beckett.
RYAN: That was a great idea, anyway, I’ll support Romney! (Ethan smiles) I’ll stop knocking at Madeline’s door complaining about my melancholy! (Madeline smiles) I’ll stop pointing out the flaws in Jacob’s logic! (Jacob smiles) Anything to win back you guys’ favor.
ETHAN: Oh, it’ll take much more than all that to win back our favor. But you know what? We’re in Washington DC, we’re an entire family again, why don’t we have a little summer vacation here, huh?
JACOB: Affirmative statement!
ETHAN: Then let’s go see the sights!
ETHAN: But remember, we’re going to see museums and nothing else for the next two days, and then we can see the White House and Congress and stuff.
RYAN: That’s fine actually; Congress isn’t back in session until Monday anyway.
(Cut to Monday. The Donahues and Michelle and Brennan outside the White House)
ETHAN: Wow, the White House.
RYAN: You’ve been inside the White House before, why are you so amazed by it?
ETHAN: I don’t know. Anyway, I’m going to protest this place if you guys don’t mind.
(Ethan pulls out a sign reading “HEALTH CARE FOR ALL IS TYRANNT”)
KIMBERLY: Wow, that’s a gem.
ETHAN: Yes it is. So is this one.
(Ethan takes out a sign reading “OBAMA HAS BEEN LYING”)
KIMBERLY: That’s not very creative.
ETHAN: Yeah, well originally it said “Obama been lyin’”, but once he had Bin Laden killed it didn’t seem appropriate anymore.
KIMBERLY: It was never appropriate.
ETHAN: Anyway, this next one is gold.
(Ethan takes out a sign reading “REPEAL OSAMACARE”)
KIMBERLY: So “Obama been Lyin’” is off limits, but “repeal Osamacare” is okay?
ETHAN: Are you trying to silence me?
ETHAN: What happened to my first amendment rights?
KIMBERLY: Nothing happened to them.
ETHAN: Explicitly, in the first amendment it states “All men have the right to freely express themselves without any criticism whatsoever for what they express”
KIMBERLY: Okay, that’s not true.
ETHAN: I learned that from Laura Ingraham.
KIMBERLY: You do realize that by criticizing what you said, I am also exercising my constitutional rights?
ETHAN: Just go to your boring museums or whatever.
KIMBERLY: No, I’m actually going to protest with you.
ETHAN: What? But we disagree!
(Kimberly holds up a sign that says “GET THE HELL OUT OF AFGHANISTAN”)
ETHAN: C’mon! That’s the only thing he’s done right!
KIMBERLY: I guess it’s time for a battle royale of the picket signs.
(Ethan and Kimberly cross pickets signs like swords)
ETHAN: May the best protester win!
(They uncross signs and start marching around)
ETHAN: OSAMACARE IS TYRANNY!
KIMBERLY: LEAVE AFGHANISTAN UP IN A TREE!
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, I was trying to rhyme.
RYAN: Hey, Michelle and I are going to Capitol Hill.
ETHAN: Okay, we’ll be here.
JACOB: Yeah, Madeline and I are just going to walk around.
ETHAN: Okay, we’ll be here.
JACOB: Yeah, you mentioned that.
(Jacob, Madeline, Ryan and Michelle walk away)
BRENNAN: I’m going to go to the natural history museum.
KIMBERLY: Nobody gives a shit, just leave.
(Brennan leaves. Cut to Ryan and Michelle walking up to capitol hill)
RYAN: Wow, it’s majestic. But it houses a rancid beast.
MICHELLE: What are we going to do in there?
RYAN: We’re going to see what’s going on, see if we can’t run into some members of Congress.
MICHELLE: Well, how do we get in?
(Senator Tom Carper (D-DE) walks by)
RYAN: Hey bro, how do we get into the capitol?
SENATOR CARPER: Excuse me? I’m not your “bro”, bro; I am United States Senator Thomas Richard Carper of Delaware.
RYAN: I’ve never heard of you.
SENATOR CARPER: Well, I’m sure your bitch has.
RYAN: Wow, don’t talk to my girlfriend that way, aren’t you a senator?
SENATOR CARPER: Yes I am, and I’m sure your girlfriend knew that beforehand.
MICHELLE: No, I didn’t.
SENATOR CARPER: FUCK!
(Congressman Steve Austria (R-OH) walks by)
RYAN: Wow, Congressman Steve Austria!
SENATOR CARPER: C’MON!
RYAN: Anyway, how do you get in?
SENATOR CARPER: Go to the visitor’s center around the back.
RYAN: Okay. Thanks Carpy.
(Ryan and Michelle walk away)
SENATOR CARPER: Great, I have a nickname now.
(Senator Carper takes a small flask out of his jacket pocket, takes a swig and puts it back, then walks away. Cut to Ryan and Michelle on the guided tour of the capitol. They are in the dome while a woman with a red jacket and blonde hair tours them along with a large group, all with headsets on)
TOUR GUIDE: This is the dome, and it is filled with paintings of historical events. The signing of the Declaration of independence, (pans to that painting) the murder, rape and pillaging of the Indian tribes, (pans to a painting of Christopher Columbus raping a native American while his cohorts steal from their teepee and murder Indian children) the enslavement of the Negro people, (pan to a picture of a slave owner whipping a Negro slave) Abraham Lincoln and William Johnson’s battle royale with the vampires on the train tracks, (pan to Abraham Lincoln stabbing a vampire with a piece of silver under train tracks while William Johnson looks on) and then of course, there’s Maude. (Pan to a painting of Maude on the set of “Maude”) Any questions?
RYAN: Let’s ditch.
MICHELLE: Fuck me.
MICHELLE: I mean to say “fuck yeah”.
RYAN: I’ll take you at your word.
(Ryan and Michelle slip away from the group. Cut to Ryan and Michelle inside the main capitol dome, where Congressmen and Senators sometimes walk through. They first run into Senator John McCain, a Republican from Arizona)
RYAN: Senator, nice to meet you.
(Ryan shakes Senator McCain’s hand, as does Michelle)
SENATOR MCCAIN: It’s nice to meet you…
RYAN: Ryan. Ryan Donahue.
SENATOR MCCAIN: Nice to meet you, Ryan. How did you get in here?
RYAN: Not important, so Senator, I heard you’re very superstitious.
SENATOR MCCAIN: I can be.
RYAN: So, say your name into this mirror.
(Ryan holds up a mirror)
MICHELLE: How do you have that?
SENATOR MCCAIN: John McCain.
RYAN: …Isn’t something bad supposed to happen to you now?
SENATOR MCCAIN: What?
RYAN: Isn’t saying your name into a mirror bad luck?
SENATOR MCCAIN: Who says their name into a mirror?
(Cut to Ryan and Michelle talking t Congressman Alcee Hastings, a Democrat from Florida)
RYAN: Congressman, nice to meet you.
CONGRESSMAN HASTINGS: Nice to meet you.
RYAN: Aren’t you the guy who accepted bribes as a federal judge, then was impeached by the Senate, then ran for the House and somehow won, over and over again, and then was also for some reason put on the powerful House rules committee?
CONGRESSMAN HASTINGS: …Yeah, that’s me. How do you know all that?
RYAN: I Wikipedia’d you.
CONGRESSMAN HASTINGS: Is that why I was talking to your girlfriend for six minutes before you asked me anything?
CONGRESSMAN HASTINGS: Ah, I see. Well, I’d much rather talk about Takahasi Monasuki with your girlfriend then talk about the irresponsible amount of power they gave to a clearly corruptible person like myself. Anyway, Michelle, did you see when Takahasi kissed Donumaki on the mouth?
(They squeal and girlishly jump up and down while Ryan looks confused. Cut to Ryan, Michelle and John McCain again)
RYAN: If you could have any other job, what would it be?
SENATOR MCCAIN: A referee.
SENATOR MCCAIN: Yes.
RYAN: Um…okay, what about-
SENATOR MCCAIN: What about what?
RYAN: Um…what about the, uh…
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a Democrat from California)
RYAN: Hello, Speaker Pelosi.
LEADER PELOSI: I appreciate that, but I’m not Speaker anymore.
RYAN: Sorry, I just feel compelled to say you’re the Speaker with your eyes piercing my soul like that.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Speaker of the House John Boehner, a Republican from Ohio)
RYAN: Mr. Speaker, what an honor.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Likewise.
RYAN: Why is it an honor to meet me? I’m just some emo kid from Vermont.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Yeah, I guess you aren’t that important.
RYAN: Damn, that was blunt.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Listen, you don’t live in Ohio’s eighth district and you’re not a tobacco lobbyist, I don’t give a shit about you.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Senator McCain again)
RYAN: Uh…well, you can’t-
SENATOR MCCAIN: I can’t do what?
RYAN: Well, if there was a touchdown, how would you-
SENATOR MCCAIN: How would I do WHAT?
(Cut to Ryan and Michelle speaking to Congressman Allen West, a Republican from Florida)
RYAN: Hey Congressman. Here’s a question, am I on the blacklist?
CONGRESSMAN WEST: Well,
(Congressman West takes out a list)
RYAN: Wow, I was joking and you actually have a black list.
CONGRESSMAN WEST: You’re under thirty from a state so liberal you can gay marry pot-flavored ice cream, so yes, you’re on the blacklist.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Boehner speaking again)
RYAN: Do you have a sun tanning booth in your office? Or are you our nation’s first processed Speaker?
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Congressman Peter Welch, a Democrat from Vermont)
RYAN: So, who do you represent?
CONGRESSMAN WELCH: I represent Vermont’s first and only Congressional district.
RYAN: Oh, so you represent me!
CONGRESSMAN WELCH: Yes, I do. And her.
RYAN: Right. I also understand that you met Sean Byrne a couple of weeks back.
CONGRESSMAN WELCH: Yes I did. He was a wonderful human being. Strong, likable, charming, handsome, charitable, generous-
RYAN: Virtuous, hopeful, youthful, hilarious, forward-thinking,
(Ryan, Congressman Welch and Michelle look towards the camera with bug eyes and name a bunch of positive character attributes in at the same time. Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Senate Majority leader Harry Reid talking)
RYAN: Hey, Senator, you’re a Mormon, right?
HARRY REID: Yes.
RYAN: Yet you’re voting for Obama? How crazy is that?
HARRY REID: Not that crazy, I like President Obama’s policies more.
RYAN: Do the other Mormons threaten you or anything?
HARRY REID: No, of course not.
(Harry Reid takes out his wallet and takes out a business card and writes something down and then shows it to Ryan and Michelle. It reads “HELP ME. I’M BEING WATCHED.” Cut to Ryan and Michelle speaking to Senator McCain again)
RYAN: I don’t know, it’s just-
SENATOR MCCAIN: It’s just WHAT?
RYAN: Because you can’t lift your arms above your head, okay? So if there’s a touchdown you can’t make the touchdown signal.
SENATOR MCCAIN: …That’s actually a good point.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Speaker Boehner)
RYAN: So both you and President Obama smoke, shouldn’t you bond over that? Maybe have a cancer stick summit and agree on something?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Well, President Obama quit before I became Speaker, so he can suck my cancer stick.
RYAN: You’re cancer stick being…
SPEAKER BOEHNER: My penis.
RYAN: Got it. (Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell) So…you look like a-
SENATOR MCCONNELL: Turtle.
SENATOR MCCONNELL: Got it.
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Speaker Boehner talking. Speaker Boehner takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights one, then sucks in)
RYAN: Dude, right now?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Yeah.
RYAN: It’s illegal to smoke indoors in Washington DC.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: I’m the Speaker, okay? I could have you killed.
RYAN: Wow, don’t do that.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: You can start now, want a cigarette?
(Speaker Boehner puts a cigarette in Ryan’s mouth and Ryan sucks in. Cut to Senator McConnell on his back in front of Ryan and Michelle)
RYAN: What the fuck are you doing?
SENATOR MCCONNELL: I’m stuck! I can’t get up!
RYAN: Are you actually part turtle?
(Cut to Ryan, Michelle and Speaker Boehner all smoking in his office)
RYAN: Wow, this is actually really relaxing.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: I know.
MICHELLE: This is not bad at all. You know, Ryan’s not eighteen.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: It’s never too early to start, just ask the tobacco companies. I started when I was six. My dad was drunk and gave me a cigarette instead of a sucker.
RYAN: Is that right?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Yeah.
RYAN: Wow. Want to try ecstasy?
(Ryan takes out a bag of ecstasy)
MICHELLE: We also have a lot of vicodin that we’d like to get rid of.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Sure.
(Cut to Jacob and Madeline walking through a Washington DC ghetto, complete with dilapidated housing, homeless people and trash)
JACOB: Jesus Christ, how did we end up here?
MADELINE: I don’t know, we must’ve taken a bad street or something.
JACOB: I don’t feel safe here. Do you have a gun or a knife or something?
MADELINE: Have you ever known me to carry around a gun or a knife? Or something?
JACOB: I’ve known you to carry around something.
MADELINE: I have a purse with a wallet, keys and melted butterscotch.
MADELINE: Because it makes everything too sticky for criminals to steal.
JACOB: And it makes everything too sticky for you to take out.
MADELINE: That’s fair.
(A homeless man walks up with a knife)
JACOB AND MADELINE: AHHH!
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR GODDAMN MONEY!
JACOB: JESUS! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!
MADELINE: GIVE HIM MONEY!
(Jacob takes out his wallet and gives the man one-hundred dollars. Madeline gets 100 dollars from her purse and gives it to the man)
MUGGER: Anything else?
JACOB: Yeah, a side of fries.
MADELINE: We’re not at a drive-thru!
JACOB: Fuck, right, um, what else do you want?
MUGGER: I want to be a star.
JACOB: Excuse me?
MUGGER: I said I want to be a STAR!
JACOB: I don’t really have connections, per se.
(The mugger starts doing ballet in front of them, while Jacob and Madeline look on in confusion. Once he’s done, he turns back to them and bows, while they confusedly clap)
MUGGER: Thank you. My name’s Todd Shimkus.
(The mugger hands Jacob and Madeline two pieces of cardboard reading “TODD SHIMKUS, 1291 SKID ROW, WACHINGTON, DISTRECT OF CULUMBIA, UNITED STATES, PHONE: N/A, BURNER: 202-803-4675 (AS OF MAY 18, 2010))
MADELINE: Yeah, your burner’s number is really out of date.
MUGGER: Yeah, you can contact me via breaking into a television stenographer’s office and writing little messages to me on the closed captioning, which I will see on the television through the window of the deaf family I spy on.
JACOB: Jesus. Okay, we’re going to go.
MUGGER: Great. Will you get in touch with me?
MADELINE: Yeah, we will.
MUGGER: Thanks for the money.
JACOB: We didn’t really have a choice, but okay, you’re welcome.
(Jacob and Madeline hurriedly walk the opposite direction)
MADELINE: Did a hobo just mug us and dance in front of us?
JACOB: Don’t call him a hobo, that’s not the correct term.
MADELINE: Who gives a shit about the correct term? He just mugged us!
JACOB: He spies on a deaf family, I feel like we should call the police.
MADELINE: What are the police going to do?
JACOB: I don’t know, probably use the name Todd Shimkus to go find and arrest him?
MADELINE: Whatever, man. Let’s just go.
(Jacob and Madeline keep walking hurriedly. Cut to Ethan outside the White House holding up a sign reading “HEY, WHERE’S MONICA?”)
ETHAN: REPEAL OSCAMACARE! REPEAL OSAMACARE!
(Kimberly walks over with her sign down)
KIMBERLY: That sign says “Hey, where’s Monica?” That doesn’t make any sense.
ETHAN: Oh fuck, this one’s from fourteen years ago.
(Kimberly holds up a sign saying “BE CAREFUL WHEN EATING PRETZELS!”)
KIMBERLY: NO MORE BLOODSHED! GET OUT OF AFGHANISTAN!
ETHAN: That sign’s out of date too!
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, this is from like ten years ago.
(Birthers walk over with signs like “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?” and “OBAMA BEEN BORN IN KENYA” and “HAWAII WASN’T EVEN A STATE IN 1961, ASSHOLE!”)
BIRTHER: Hey brother, want to join us?
ETHAN: Oh, Jesus. It’s the Birthers. The people who ruin it for the rest of the conservatives. You do realize that you make the conservative movement look like inbred fuckwads, right?
BIRTHER: We’re just fighting for the truth, brother. That’s all that matters to us.
ETHAN: President Obama has released both birth certificates. Short and long form. Newspaper announcements in Honolulu in August 1961 show that he was born in Hawaii. There is absolutely no evidence that he was born anywhere else. Now stop making us look like half-retarded flag-raping shit stains, please.
BIRTHER: Hawaii wasn’t even a state in 1961, ass-
ETHAN: Hole, got it. Hawaii was admitted into the union in 1959.
BIRTHER: I guess I should’ve researched that. But his father was born in Kenya, so Obama’s not a natural-born citizen!
ETHAN: Presidents James Buchannan and Chester Arthur both had foreign-born parents, and Mitt Romney’s dad was born in Mexico. Plus, Mitt Romney’s dad tried to run for President in 1967 because of how vague the “natural-born citizen” clause is in the first place!
BIRTHER: You shut up!
ETHAN: Run out of red herrings?
BIRTHER: Nope, I still got one.
(The birther takes a red herring out of his back pocket that is still alive)
ETHAN: Jesus, how do you have that?!
BIRTHER: I put it in my pocket after I found it in the reflecting pool!
ETHAN: The reflecting pool is empty!
BIRTHER: Yeah, he’s a survivor.
ETHAN: That thing is still alive!
BIRTHER: I know, I like ‘em alive.
(The birther takes a bite)
ETHAN: AGH! STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
(As the birther chews, blood streams out of his mouth and onto his shirt)
BIRTHER: (Mouth full) What do you know, liberal?
ETHAN: I’m not a liberal, okay? I’m a conservative who realizes that just because President Obama was born in America; it doesn’t make him a good President.
KIMBERLY: Although he is!
ETHAN: How the fuck did you get a live red herring anyway? They’re only red when they are grilled.
BIRTHER: Spray paint.
ETHAN: Wow, you’re eating a live fish covered in spray paint.
BIRTHER: He’s not alive any more.
ETHAN: Doesn’t make you look any better.
(9/11 Truthers come over to Kimberly with signs like “9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!” and “CHENEY HAD BUSINESS INTERESTS IN THE MIDDLE EAST!” and “THERE WEREN’T EVEN MUSLIM TERRORISTS IN 2001, ASSHOLE!”)
KIMBERLY: Oh God, the people who ruin it for everybody else in the progressive movement.
TRUTHER: 9/11 was an inside job, okay?
KIMBERLY: Where’s your proof?
TRUTHER: Dick Cheney had business interests in the Middle East!
KIMBERLY: Right, but out of the nineteen hijackers, Mohammed Atta, Waleed Al-Sheri, Wail-Al Sheri, Abdul-Aziz al-Omari, Satam al-Suqami, Marwan al-Shehhi, Fayez Bannihammad, Mohand al-Sheri, Hamza al-Ghamdi, Ahmed al-Ghamdi, Hani Hanjour, Khalid al-Mindhar, Majed Moqed, Nawef al-Hazmi, Salem al-Hazmi, Ziad Jarrah, Ahmed al-Haznawi, Ahmed al-Nami and Saeed al-Ghamdi, none of them were named Dik al-Cheney.
TRUTHER: The leaseholder of the World Trade Center took out an insurance policy on the skyscrapers.
KIMBERLY: Wouldn’t you?
TRUTHER: Marvin Bush was the owner of a security company and the World Trade Center was one of their clients.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and Neil Bush is a businessman in Texas. Any more irrelevant facts?
TRUTHER: The jet fuel would not be enough to completely incinerate the steel beams holding that building up!
KIMBERLY: Right, but it didn’t need to; it just needed to weaken the steel beams enough to make the building collapse.
TRUTHER: There weren’t even Muslim terrorists in 2001, asshole!
KIMBERLY: Okay, that’s not true.
TRUTHER: Should’ve researched the 1998 USS Cole bombing.
KIMBERLY: Okay, so you do know what it is.
TRUTHER: I know the name.
KIMBERLY: Listen, just because President Bush did not orchestrate the death of three-thousand people doesn’t mean he was a good President!
ETHAN: Although he was!
(President Obama walks up to the gate with three secret service people surrounding him)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Ethan and Kimberly Donahue as I live and breathe!
ETHAN: Hello, Mr. President.
KIMBERLY: It’s nice to see you again, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Likewise. What brings you guys to Washington?
KIMBERLY: (At the same time as Ethan) Vacation.
ETHAN: (At the same time as Kimberly) Ryan and his friends ran away to here.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Ah. Where are Ryan and his friends?
ETHAN: Ryan and Michelle are at Capitol Hill.
(A limousine with the “Speaker of the United States House of Representatives” seal on it pulls up and out walks Speaker Boehner, Ryan and Michelle and a bunch of smoke)
RYAN: Mr. President!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: This must be Ryan.
ETHAN: Yes, that’s Ryan.
(Ryan walks up to President Obama and shakes his hand through the fence, then stops shaking his hand)
RYAN: It’s an honor, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Likewise. Wow, your hand is cold.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: How?
MICHELLE: Well Mr. President, we emos have to keep our skin pale and cold to offset the how dark and hot our clothes are.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I see. But still, how do you-
RYAN: Ice cold baths, twice a week.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jesus.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Mr. President, I just came here to drop off these youngsters to their parents.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you, John.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: You’re welcome.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Were you smoking in there with them, it seems like there was a lot of smoke seeping out of that limo.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: No, I was…grilling fish.
(The birther comes over with another red herring)
BIRTHER: Can I throw this in there then, Mr. Speaker?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: No.
ETHAN: How many of those do you have?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Speaking of, how are you guys enjoying the lunatic Birthers and truthers?
ETHAN: I was telling the Birthers that they’re wrong and need to stop, and they just spouted and ate red herrings.
KIMBERLY: I was telling the truthers that correlation does not necessarily mean causation, and being left-wing lunatics as opposed to right-wing lunatics, they just drank red herring lattes from Starbucks.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, look at that! Both of you, a conservative and a liberal can agree that fringe conspiracy theorists on both sides make no beneficial contribution to national discourse.
ETHAN: Yeah, that’s true.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Great. You know, I don’t have to go to my fifteenth fundraiser in the last week until 4:15, so do you guys want to come in?
KIMBERLY: Sure. Ryan? Michelle?
RYAN: Of course.
RYAN: But where’s Jacob, Madeline and Brennan?
(Brennan walks over with an Obama bobble head)
BRENNAN: Hey, they have an Obama bobble head, oh, there’s the real Obama bobble head right there.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes, I’m the real Obama bobble head.
BRENNAN: it’s an honor, Mr. President.
(Jacob and Madeline run into the shot, exhausted)
JACOB: OH MY GOD, WE WERE MUGGED!
MADELINE: Whoa, there’s the President!
JACOB: Whoa, yeah, there is the President!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: You guys were mugged? By who?
MADELINE: A homeless stalker ballerina with dreams of making it big time in Hollywood!
ETHAN: Jesus Christ, are you guys okay?
JACOB: Yeah, we’re fine.
KIMBERLY: How much money did he take?
MADELINE: 200 dollars.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, the federal government will fully reimburse you using the money that was supposed to be for mandatory re-education camps before Bachmann caught onto us.
(Pan to Representative Michelle Bachmann, a Republican from Minnesota, standing on the sidewalk)
MICHELLE BACHMANN: I KNEW IT!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Go away Michelle and keep smoking whatever secret drug that makes you so paranoid and delusional.
MICHELLE BACHMANN: Will do!
(Michelle Bachmann walks away)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Speaker Boehner, Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Michelle and Brennan, get in here!
(Speaker Boehner, Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline, Michelle and Brennan cheer. Cut to all of them in the oval office, sitting on chairs and couches)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: So McConnell just rolled around on his back?
RYAN: Yeah! It was crazy!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: No kidding.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Mr. President, do you mind if I smoke in here?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, technically, the White House has a no smoking policy, but sure, fuck it.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Thank you.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: What?
ETHAN: I feel a migraine coming on.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, that’s not good.
ETHAN: Mr. President, medical pot is legal in Vermont, is it legal in DC?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yes.
ETHAN: Okay, do you mind?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Of course not. In fact-(He takes out a pipe) Boehner, can you get the blinds?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Sure.
(Boehner gets up and closes the blinds, then sits back down)
ETHAN: Wait, Mr. President, you smoke marijuana?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yeah. I had to replace my cigarette addiction with something.
(Ethan gets out his medical pot and rolls a joint and starts smoking it. President Obama takes a hit off of his pipe)
RYAN: This is crazy.
JACOB: Yeah, we want some!
(President Obama passes the pipe to Speaker Boehner, who puts out his cigarette and takes a hit)
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Sorry kids, but none for you.
KIMBERLY: But some for me. It was my birthday a few days ago!
ETHAN: Oh yeah. Happy Birthday, Kim!
SPEAKER BOEHNER: Why can’t you just say “Merry Christmas”?
SPEAKER BOEHNER: You don’t have to be politically correct all the time.
(Speaker Boehner passes the pipe to Kimberly, who takes a hit. Cut to an hour later. Boehner, Obama, Ethan and Kimberly are sitting in the Oval Office getting high while Ryan, Jacob, Michelle, Brennan and Madeline sit in a circle of chairs in the corner, looking bitter)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: (Laughing profusely) John, your skin is so orange!
SPEAKER BOEHNER: (Laughing) I know!
ETHAN: Guys, guys, my high just hit me like a fucking avalanche! Help me! I’m in an avalanche!
(Everybody starts laughing at that)
KIMBERLY: Whoa, I just realized something.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: What?
KIMBERLY: There’s no computer on your desk, Mr. President!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I know! It’s 2012 for Christ’s sakes; there should be a computer there, right?
ETHAN: Let’s make one.
SPEAKER BOEHNER: How?
ETHAN: That lamp.
(They all start laughing again. Cut to the Ryan, Jacob, Michelle, Brennan and Madeline)
RYAN: This is bullshit.
MICHELLE: Yeah. Wait, how will the pot react with the ecstasy we Speaker Boehner earlier?
RYAN: I don’t-
(Cut to Speaker Boehner jumping up and down and then launching head first into a lamp, shattering the bulb and knocking the lamp over while all the adults get up in shock. Cut to the concert hall from the last episode’s stage, where General Darkness is on the microphone with his band behind him)
GENERAL DARKNESS: Okay, everyone. That song was called “The World Consumes Darkness”. This next song is by the lead singer of Devil’s Niece, Mallart Bond!
(Everyone cheers as Mallart Bond walks on stage and takes the microphone)
MALLART BOND: Thank you, everybody. We’ve heard a lot of loud emo rock tonight, but seldom did we acknowledge why any of us are here to begin with. This city. Washington DC. So I wrote a song about the bedrock of the emo subculture, Washington DC. It’s not a conventional emo song, it may sound kind of familiar. It’s called “Columbia District of Mind”. (Everybody cheers and Mallart starts singing) D.C., marble jungle where dreams are crushed, there’s nothing you can do. Now you’re in D.C., these streets will make you feel like shit, homeless people out of their wits, let’s hear it for D.C., D.C., D.C.! One hand in the air for the capitol! Corruption and pages all looking’ wonderful. No place in the world that could compare, except for all the places in the world that could, but still put your middle fingers in the air FOR D.C.! MARBLE JUNGLE WHERE LAWS ARE PASSED, SIGNED AND SOMETIMES OVERTURNED! ALL FOR THE PEOPLE! AND BY PEOPLE I MEAN SPECIAL INTERESTS WHO PUT THEIR HEAD UP CONGRESS’ DRESS! WELCOME TO D.C.! THE REASON EMO STARTED HERE IS BECAUSE WE WERE SO SAD BECAUSE OUR GOVERNMENT WAS SO BAD! LET’S HEAR IT FOR D.C., D.C, D.C.!
(He stops singing, and the crowd goes wild. Fade to black)
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