The Donahues Episode 252

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Irville Satch declares his candidacy for Mayor of Hansbay, challenging incumbent Mayor Evan Alexander after Ethan encourages him to, Ryan discovers Alan is taking a semester off and laments the fact he must spend the semester with some rando. Madeline has to deal with a client who is a known mobster.

Submitted: August 25, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 25, 2016









“Surprise, sometimes, will come around. I will surprise you, sometimes, I’ll come around”

  • Paul Banks


(Cut to Mayor Alexander sitting in his office, with Patrick White sitting before him. Mayor Alexander is looking at an article on his computer)

MAYOR ALEXANDER: I can’t believe this. The threesome strategy actually worked!

PATRICK: Yeah, because it makes me look like a jealous creep. They even said I watched them have sex, and I only did that once!

MAYOR ALEXANDER: Did they specify the number of times that you did it in the ad?


PATRICK: …Come to think of it, no.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Well, you can feel great about this, because Ethan is now behind Deters by only three points. I don’t want to work with Ethan Donahue.


PATRICK: I’m sorry I failed you, sir.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: You BETRAYED ME!! I’m sorry, Jesus, I just get so worked up.


PATRICK: No, I did.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: I’ve worked with Ethan before. It’s not pretty. He eats his sandwiches from the inside out. It really bothers me. Also, he hates me and would stab me in the back.


(Cut to Ethan sitting in a conference room with Fiona, Nelson and Anella. Ethan is looking at his iPad)


ETHAN: I’m up by one point in this poll!


NELSON: It’s a perfect place to be, Ethan. You keep this up, and in a few weeks, you’ll be in the lead.


ETHAN: How’s the Democratic Mayoral primary going, Nelson?


NELSON: Oh, um- (Nelson takes out some papers and looks at them) The primary is on September 6th, and the only candidate is some Judge named David Marwick.


ETHAN: Shit. Really? He was the judge in my corruption trial. I don’t want to work with him anymore than I want to work with Evan. How’s Marwick doing against Evan?


NELSON: Marwick is seventy points behind Alexander in match-up polling.


ETHAN: Damnit.


FIONA: Do you think we should recruit a better candidate for the Democrats?


ETHAN: …No, I think we should recruit a wild card.


FIONA: What do you mean?


ETHAN: Alexander is a popular Mayor, and we’re not going to beat him with just any Democrat. We need a populist. And I think I know just the person. (Cut to Ethan sitting on a couch in someone’s home, sipping coffee) Hmm, where is this coffee from?


(Cut to Irville Satch, who is sitting across from Ethan)


IRVILLE: Oh, it’s a re-heated McCafe I got last week. Tastes even better the second time around, and the third time’s the charm!

(Ethan puts the coffee cup down)


ETHAN: Irville, I have a question for you. How’s Sarah?


IRVILLE: Sarah’s real good. She’s going back to school pretty soon here. How’s your daughter Ryan?


ETHAN: She’s the best, pride and joy. So listen, let’s get down to business. You ran against me for Mayor back in 2013, from what I remember.


IRVILLE: Yeah, you’re not here to hurt me, are ya?


ETHAN: …No. No, Irville, I’m over it.


IRVILLE: Okay, good, because I would’ve sat and taken it.


(Amy comes in)


AMY: I’ve seen him do it before.


IRVILLE: Amy, if you could excuse us.


AMY: It was a group of damn kids inside a Kohl’s dressing room-


ETHAN: Amy, please.


(Amy shrugs and goes outside)


IRVILLE: What is it, Ethan?


ETHAN: Irville, I want you to run for the Democratic nomination for Mayor of Hansbay.




ETHAN: Yes. I think you’d make a great Mayor. You have union ties, you’re a man of the people, and populism is in vogue.


IRVILLE: I mean, yeah, but, what are my accomplishments?


ETHAN: I mean, you helped us get rid of those vagrants that were masturbating on those tug boats!


IRVILLE: That’s true. Not to mention, I went to a book club meeting once.


ETHAN: There you go. What do you say?


IRVILLE: I mean, gee, okay! Sounds fun!

ETHAN: Just know that you may actually win, and have to serve as Mayor.


IRVILLE: Yeah, I got it.


ETHAN: And have all the responsibilities associated with that.


IRVILLE: Uh-huh.


ETHAN: Great. Obviously, my one condition is that you endorse me in my race against City Councilman Greg Deters.


IRVILLE: I endorse you.


ETHAN: …Good. In public, right?




ETHAN: You’re gonna endorse me in public, right?


IRVILLE: I just endorsed, you want me to do it again?




IRVILLE: I endorse you.


ETHAN: Okay, we have some things to work on here, buddy.


(Cut to Ryan standing outside University Inn, an on-campus apartment building that looks like an old motel. Alan pulls up in his car and gets out)


RYAN: It’s about time you got here. I’ve been waiting here for so long, I got mugged at least three times.


(Alan walks up to Ryan)


ALAN: Hey, Ryan, I got some bad news.


RYAN: About what? Is it that we have to live in what was obviously once a Motel Six?


ALAN: No, man, it’s, uh…I’m taking the semester off.


RYAN: …What?!


ALAN: Yeah.


RYAN: Why would you-why would you-


ALAN: I have no choice, man, I owe SUNY Plattsburgh 4,000 dollars from last semester.


RYAN: Then take out a student loan-


ALAN: They’re not gonna give me one until I pay them 4,000 dollars!

RYAN: Then go to the bank and get a loan!

ALAN: I tried, but…


(Cut to Alan sitting in front of a lender at a bank. Alan is wearing a polo shirt and khakis)


LENDER: So, your credit is fine, but you make minimum wage at a Speedy Chicken Franchise. Why exactly should we loan you four grand?


ALAN: Well first off, Mr. Lender-


LENDER: Mr. Rosen.


ALAN: Mr. Rosen, your tie looks tight.


MR. ROSEN: Thanks.


ALAN: Secondly, my experience with chicken is likely going to make me start my own chicken place, which would then make me the money to pay this loan back.


MR. ROSEN: How would you finance the new chicken place?


ALAN: With…another loan…?


MR. ROSEN: Got it.


(Cut back)


RYAN: Wow. I can’t believe this. You just pulled the fucking rug out from under me.


ALAN: Ryan, I’m really sorry.


RYAN: Everybody is just fleeing from my life! Catherine kicked me the fuck out, and now you’re running away due to some stupid economic disadvantage!


ALAN: Yeah, you can’t really blame my family for being poor, Ryan.


RYAN: I couldn’t even imagine what it’s like to not have 4,000 dollars lying around. No one should have to experience that.


ALAN: What can I say? Donald Trump was right. I suck. I’m poor, and I should vote for him because I have nothing left.


RYAN: I’m still in shock, man, I’m not ready for jokes.


ALAN: I’m really sorry, Ryan. You’re still my best friend, but I gotta wait until next semester when I can pay for all this shit. I’ll still come down on the weekends, so we can party.


RYAN: …You promise?


ALAN: Yes. And hey, you’ll have a new roommate.


RYAN: But I don’t WANT a new roommate!


ALAN: Dude, I’m not a dog.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I know.


ALAN: Come here, nigga.


(Ryan hugs Alan tight as Ryan cries. Cut to Ryan unpacking in his new apartment, which is basically just a glorified dorm room with a kitchenette. Ryan takes out his laptop and puts it on his bed. Ryan takes out his diary)


RYAN: (Under his breath) Should I keep the diary open on my desk so he reads it or do it more subtly by leaving it closed on the ground?


(His roommate comes in with some bags)




(Ryan stands up)


RYAN: Hey.


(The roommate walks in, closes the door and puts down his bags)


ROOMMATE: Hey, what’s up man? I’m Blaine Tigris.


(Ryan shakes Blaine’s hand)


RYAN: I’m Ryan Donahue.


BLAINE: Thank God I got this place, I was on the waiting list forever, I thought I might have to sleep at a Starbucks in order to attend SUNY Plattsburgh.


(Blaine sits down on his bed)


RYAN: Yeah. Where are you from?


BLAINE: I’m from Albany.


RYAN: Cool, cool, what part of Albany?


BLAINE: Pine Hills.


RYAN: Is that the rough part of the city?


BLAINE: Uh, not really. It has Madison Theatre, which is cool. Where are you from-


RYAN: Shh. So, you never saw any drug deals or got chased by pitbulls unleashed by gangster cholos?


BLAINE: No, that didn’t happen.


RYAN: Shit. Do you like Hip-Hop?


BLAINE: I-uh, I like Eminem and, Macklemore and stuff.


RYAN: Oh, Jesus. What about Drake?


BLAINE: Yeah, him too.


RYAN: Okay, I can work with that.


BLAINE: What do you mean, why are you interrogating me?!


(Ryan takes out a curly, black hair wig)


RYAN: Could you wear this for me?


(Cut to Madeline sitting behind the reception desk at Cryo Self To Health, looking at her phone)


MADELINE: …Man, that is too much money for a black hoodie.


(Peter comes in and rests his head on the reception desk)


PETER: Heeeeeey.


MADELINE: What’s up? What’re you doing here?


PETER: Jeez, I can’t visit?


MADELINE: You can, just don’t bother anyone.


PETER: Bother people? When have I bothered people in this waiting room?


MADELINE: You once held open auditions for voice actors in your video game in this waiting room.


PETER: Once I learn how to code, I’ll need those voice actors.


(A woman comes out of the back with a patient)


WOMAN: Mr. Stein’s all done.


MADELINE: Thanks, Melinda.




PETER: Do you want to voice act in my new video game?




MADELINE: Keep it down, Mr. Stein.


PETER: Okay, the game is an alternate history game, it’s apartheid, but with zombies.


MADELINE: Mrs. O’Brien?


(Pan over to a woman sitting in the waiting room getting up and walking towards the front desk. Another client in the waiting room, a man wearing a fine Italian suit reading the July 25, 2016 edition of Time Magazine depicting from behind, Donald Trump sitting in the President’s chair with the subtitle “GUT CHECK: For Trump, Intuition beats experience. What that would mean for the Presidency”. Another man is also sitting in the waiting room, on his phone)


MAN: Hey, when is it gonna be my turn?


MADELINE: You’re next, Mr. Rizzoli.


MR. RIZZOLI: Okay. I betta be. I have a dentist appointment at 6 o’clock.


MADELINE: Alright.


(Mrs. O’Brien goes with Melinda, to the back)


PETER: (Whispering) Maddie, I need to talk to you in private.


MADELINE: I’m not gonna be in your video game.


PETER: (Whispering) No, that conversation’s for later, I need to talk to you about something else.


(Madeline sighs)


MADELINE: Alright. (Madeline and Peter go into the break room) What is it?


PETER: Maddie, you know that episode of every medical drama where the mob boss comes in for surgery and they have to make sure he survives or they’re dead?




PETER: We’re in that situation right now.




PETER: That guy out there, Mr. Rizzoli, he’s a mob boss.


MADELINE: What? No he’s not-he is?


PETER: Yeah, that’s Vito Rizzoli, Providence’s most notorious mob boss. He was really cozy with Mayor Cianci back in the day. And now his crime outfit slings H in these streets like Big Bird on speed. And I think he slings speed too.


MADELINE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know this for a fact?


PETER: Look him up. He’s Mayor Elorza’s worst enemy because they haven’t been able to prove anything yet, but it’s obvious. He owns a- (Peter uses hand quotes) “bakery”.


MADELINE: How do you know it’s not a real bakery?


PETER: Because once you move past the bakery front, it becomes a racetrack. It’s a double front. If you peel back that racetrack, I bet the racket reveals itself.  (Madeline takes out her phone and looks it up) This is not just one of my conspiracy theories, Maddie, believe me.


(Madeline puts her phone away)


MADELINE: Damnit, you’re right.


PETER: You need to treat him like royalty. And you especially need to make sure he doesn’t perish in one of those icy death traps.


MADELINE: They’re not icy death tra-


PETER: One mistake, and we’re dead.


MADELINE: You’re over-reacting.


PETER: Maybe I am, but do you wanna take that risk?


(Madeline squints)


MADELINE: Fuck. (Madeline comes outside and walks over to Mr. Rizzoli) Could I get you anything while you wait, Mr. Rizzoli?


MR. RIZZOLI: Yeah, I tried to get a Diet Coke, but that damn vending machine is broken.


MADELINE: Don’t worry, sir, I will get it for you right away. PETER!!


(Peter walks out)


PETER: Yes, Maddie dearest?


MADELINE: Help me get a Diet Coke for Mr. Rizzoli.


PETER: Oh, I thought I don’t work here anymore.




PETER: Okay, fine, I’ll do it pro bono. But only because we’re in a relationship. (To Mr. Rizzoli) We’re in a relationship, Mr. Rizzoli.


MR. RIZZOLI: Good for you.


(Madeline sighs and she and Peter go over to the vending machine)


MADELINE: Do you have coins on you?


PETER: No. I actually haven’t had money since you fired me. I’ve been eating those cheese sticks you buy to stay alive. And luckily, cigarettes are an appetite suppressant.


MADELINE: Shit, I have no money either. I spent it on bags of candy for Halloween.


PETER: Halloween is like two months away-


MADELINE: I had a panic attack because I thought it was coming up for a second, okay!? Let’s just find a way to get that Diet Coke.


PETER: Hold on.


(Peter starts kicking the machine)


MADELINE: That’s not going to work!


(A bottle of Coca-Cola pops out of the dispenser)




MADELINE: That’s not a Diet Coke though.


PETER: I’m sure he’ll understand.


MADELINE: You were the one who said we can’t take any chances with this guy.


PETER: Trust me, I know how to deal with thugs. I worked at a Best Buy. (Peter picks up the Coca Cola and brings it over to Mr. Rizzoli. Madeline follows him) Do you mind if it’s just a regular Coke, Mr. Rizzoli?


MR. RIZZOLI: I asked for a Diet Coke!


(Madeline gulps)


PETER: …Yes, but…I don’t think you need a Diet Coke, sir. You look great. I think you deserve to treat yourself.


(Mr. Rizzoli slowly smiles)


MR. RIZZOLI: Yeah, you’re right. I’ve been good recently. I started taking an improv class recently, and it’s very physical. Plus it’s exhausting to “yes, and” people instead of smackin’ them upside the head.


(Mr. Rizzoli starts laughing, and Madeline and Peter start fake laughing with him)


PETER: Enjoy it, sir.


MR. RIZZZOLI: Will do.


(Mr. Rizzoli untwists the cap, and the Coca-Cola explodes onto his face and suit. Peter and Madeline look terrified)


MADELINE: (Whispering) Lord help us.


(Cut to Irville Satch behind a podium, speaking in front of Lake Champlain. The press is in front of him, filming and snapping pictures. Amy Satch and a mortified Sarah Blumenthal is standing behind him)


IRVILLE: I have been a fixture of Hansbay, Vermont for a very long time! I have lead the tug boat worker’s union for years now. I am a frequent customer of the McDonald’s on Park Street. I have wondered onto the field during numerous Hansbay High football games. And now I am here to take my meteoric rise to the next level. I am declaring my candidacy for the Democratic nomination for Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont!


(Cut to Ashton the drug dealer, standing in the back of the crowd, looking bored and unenthusiastic)


ASHTON: Woooo! When do I get paid for this?


(Cut back to Irville)


IRVILLE: I am running because Hansbay needs a champion for the people! I was very inspired by Bernie Sanders’ campaign for President, and I intend to run on the issues he cares about! Like for example, those lights on Park Street that blink orange all the time, at night! What are they blinkin’ for? Are we supposed to stop or keep going? Enough is enough! It’s time to bring change to Hansbay! Mayor Alexander certainly won’t bring that change. You know what he brought to the Tug Boat Union annual Mayoral meet-up last November? Sugar cookies! Not even chocolate chip or white chocolate, sugar cookies! I guarantee ya, if you elect Evan Alexander to a full four-year term as your Mayor, he’ll bring more sugar cookies to Hansbay.


(Cut to Mayor Alexander reading the Hansbay Quintessential. The cover story is “SATCH THROWS HAT IN THE RING FOR DEM NOMINATION” and the stories beside it are “Manafort resigns from Trump campaign after Breitbart CEO hire and Ukraine connection scandal”. Conan comes in as Evan puts the newspaper down)


CONAN: What’s on your mind, sir?


MAYOR ALEXANDER: This Satch thing.


CONAN: Satch? He’s a clown. A side show. He’ll never make it-OH FUCK.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Exactly. Trump should teach us to never underestimate a candidate no matter how ridiculous they may seem. Run an internal poll to feel out how much support he has and see if he has any chance of winning the Democratic Primary.


CONAN: Yes, sir.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: By the way, did you hear about this?


(Mayor Alexander shows Conan the article about Trump’s hiring of Steve Bannon)


CONAN: Yeah…


MAYOR ALEXANDER: This guy is from Breitbart News. Super right-wing hate site. I have a feeling there’s a chance Andrew Breitbart will escape from his coffin, rise from the dirt, jump on a horse’s back, and be the fourth henchman needed for the apocalypse.


CONAN: Yeah, well…Trump is a racist.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: That’s the problem. I endorsed Trump. Whoever the Democratic nominee is, Marwick or Satch, they’re gonna jump on that.


CONAN: Then revoke your endorsement. This isn’t math, or science.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Don’t make fun of how poorly I did in school, okay?


CONAN: How did you pass anything?




(Cut to Quinn Porter at the Hansbay 5 News Desk, speaking to the camera)


QUINN PORTER: Irville Satch threw his hat in the Democratic ring for the campaign for Mayor of Hansbay yesterday. Here to comment is Democratic city council candidate, Ethan Donahue. (Quinn turns to Ethan) Good to have you, Mr. Donahue. You look a bit flushed. Did you just come from a threesome?


ETHAN: Yes I did, Quinn.


QUINN: Ooh la la! Okay, let’s get down to business.


ETHAN: Uh-huh.


QUINN: Irville Satch threw his hat in the Democratic ring yesterday, you’re a Democrat now, you obviously don’t want Evan Alexander to win in November, but Irville Satch’s opponent, Judge Marwick, has not been your best friend either. Are you prepared to endorse a candidate in the race for the Democratic nomination for Mayor?


ETHAN: Listen, Quinn, I’m going to stay neutral on this race. Judge Marwick presided over my trial three years ago, yes, but he seems like a capable Judge. Meanwhile, Mr. Satch is a little bit goofy, but he’s my son’s friend’s stepfather, so I know him a little bit, and he’s certainly been a proponent of worker’s rights in this city. I think they’re both good candidates and I’ll let the voters of Hansbay decide who is more qualified to challenge neurotic Evan in November.


(Ethan winks)


QUINN: What was that?


ETHAN: What?


QUINN: You just winked.


ETHAN: No. No, I think a fly flew into my, eye, or something.


QUINN: A fly flew into your eye?


ETHAN: Something like that, yes. Let’s focus on more pressing issues please.


(Cut to Irville Satch speaking to a smattering of supporters and reporters outside of Hansbay Public Library)


IRVILLE: For my first trick, I will bravely protest Mayor Alexander’s proposed hike on late fees here at Hansbay Public Library, by bothering people in the reading nooks! (The supporters clap their hands as Irville walks into the library. Cut to Irville sitting in a seat in a reading nook near some book shelves. A man is reading The Paper Man, by Gallagher Lawson. Irville is not reading anything) …What are you readin’ there?


(The man looks up)


MAN: …Uh, it’s called The Paper Man, by Gallagher Lawson.


IRVILLE: Hmm. Is it good?


MAN: I don’t know, I just started reading it.


(The man looks quickly back at his book)


IRVILLE: My uncle always said, “if a book isn’t good in the first two pages, burn it”.


(The man looks at Irville and sighs)


MAN: Did he now?


IRVILLE: Yep. Wise man.


(Cut to Blaine walking in heels, wearing the curly black wig and a polo t-shirt in front of Ryan in his dorm. Ryan is vaping while watching him do a catwalk in front of him. Ryan looks bored)


BLAINE: Listen, man, I know there’s things I have to do to make friends in college, but this kind of stuff is why I left the frat at my old college.


RYAN: Shhh, just do another spin.


(Ryan takes another drag off his vape. Blaine does a spin)


BLAINE: Why am I wearing heels, by the way? Was Alan transgender?


RYAN: No, those are Catherine’s heels. She left them in my car. God, I miss her.


(Ryan vapes again)


BLAINE: Man, I don’t like doing this.


RYAN: It’s fine, I’m bored anyway.


(Blaine kicks off the heels and takes off the wig)


BLAINE: You have problems, man.


(Blaine goes back to unpacking things. Ryan sighs and walks outside, onto the balcony overlooking the swimming pool, which is shaped like a coffin. He takes a drag off his E-cig)


RYAN: …Why is this pool shaped like a coffin? (Ryan sighs) I guess it’s appropriate.


(Cut to Alan getting in his car after a shift at The Speedy Chicken. He checks his phone to see seven missed calls from Ryan. Alan sighs)


ALAN: Poor kid. All alone over there. I should appoint a surrogate friend.


(Alan calls Alejandro. Cut to Alejandro in his dorm room with Jack, Helen and Sammy. Alejandro is taking a shot. He finishes it and slams it on Helen’s knee)



ALEJANDRO: I bet it hurt when you got fucked in the bathroom, bieetttchhh!!!! (Jack and Alejandro laugh) I hate you, nigga.


JACK: Fuck off, Alejandro.


HELEN: This is bordering on verbal abuse.


SAMMY: And physical.


ALEJANDRO: I’m fucking with you!




ALEJANDRO: Cloooocked!!!


HELEN: Jesus, guys, that was like five months ago.


JACK: We’ll never let you live it down.


ALEJANDRO: Ever. (Alejandro gets a call from Alan. Alejandro picks up the phone) Ooh, Alan is calling. (He picks up) Hello?


ALAN: (On the phone) Hey, Alejandro.


ALEJANDRO: What’s up, nigga? Still laboring over chicken instead of getting an education, bitch-t-t?!


SAMMY: I hate this!!


ALAN: Yeah, that’s kinda why I’m calling you.


ALEJANDRO: I don’t have any special chicken tips for you, bitch!!!


JACK: Clocked.


ALAN: Ryan’s lonely over at University Inn because I’m not there. Call him and invite him to do something before he drowns himself or some shit.


ALEJANDRO: They put that bitch around water? And sharp objects? That shit is a scandal.


ALAN: Just call him, okay? He has no friends at University Inn.


ALEJANDRO: Alright. I’ll call him.


ALAN: Cool. I’ll be down this weekend so we can all party.


ALEJANDRO: Bring us some chicken, whorebag.


HELEN: Clocked.


ALEJANDRO: Shut the fuck up, Helen.


ALAN: Bye.


ALEJANDRO: Bye-bye. (Alejandro hangs up) What I’m about to do I’m not gonna like.


(Alejandro takes out his iPhone and dials Ryan’s number. Cut to the side of the coffin-shaped pool at University Inn. Ryan’s cell phone is sitting on the poolside. Ryan comes up, fully clothed, for air, and sees the phone starts ringing. Ryan gets out of the pool, his clothes dripping wet, and answers the phone)


RYAN: Alejandro?!


ALEJANDRO: (On the phone) Hey!


RYAN: Alejandro, this is Ryan, you dialed the wrong number.


ALEJANDRO: No, I meant to call you.


RYAN: Jesus, don’t tell me Helen died.


ALEJANDRO: No, she’s fine. Calm the fuck down. I was just calling to say, I live over at Kent Hall, so if you want to, you can…hang out. Or whatever. With us.


RYAN: …I don’t have any weed, Alejandro.


ALEJANDRO: That’s fine. We just want to you know, hang out with you. And do all the things you wanna do. Like…Ouija boards?


RYAN: Oh. Oh, I see. Uh, yeah, sure man, I’ll let you know when I want to…how you say, “kick it”.




RYAN: Alright. Bye-bye, Alejandro.




(Ryan hangs up the phone. A maintenance worker walks over to the still soaking wet Ryan)


MAINTENANCE WORKER: What the hell is wrong with you?


RYAN: You don’t know what it’s like to have a bromance with a black man, only for it to be cruelly ripped away. Also, my girlfriend broke up with me.


MAINTENANCE WORKER: I’m sorry to hear that, man.


(Ryan nods and walks away. Cut to Ryan standing outside his door, on the phone with Alan)


ALAN: Hello?


RYAN: You always sound pissed when you answer the phone.


ALAN: You always sound pissed, always.


RYAN: Fair point.


ALAN: What’s goin’ on, man?


RYAN: Alejandro called me just now.


ALAN: …Okay…


RYAN: He offered to hang out with me if I wanted.


ALAN: …Alrighty…


RYAN: Alan, you told him to do this.


ALAN: What?


RYAN: Alan, you just said “alrighty”. And you’re a worse liar than Ryan Lochte.


ALAN: “He put a gun to my head, but I didn’t freak out. My buddies though, were crying and pissing themselves. But I was a hero”.


RYAN: I’m too mad for jokes, Alan.


ALAN: Fine, dude, I told him to do it. So what?


RYAN: You think I need charity? I have a roommate so desperate to be my friend he dressed like a black woman!

ALAN: You should hang out with Alejandro and Jack and all them, man, you don’t need me to have fun.


RYAN: But Alan, hanging out with them would be like hanging out with my dentist. Yeah, I see my dentist once in a while, but I’m there for a reason. Dentistry. If we suddenly just start chilling, that would be awkward as fuck.


ALAN: So what’s the reason you’re with Antonio?


RYAN: Alcohol.


ALAN: So you’re just using him?


RYAN: No, Alan, I just really want to be friends with a bitchy gay Shrek- of course I’m using him!!


ALAN: Ryan, he’s a nice guy. He’s just bitchy when he’s drunk. Just try it out. And even if it doesn’t work, I’ll see you guys on Friday when we all party together.


RYAN: Alright, fine.


ALAN: Hang in there, bud.


RYAN: Jesus, stop it.


ALAN: Sorry.


(Ryan hangs up. He takes another drag off his e-cig. A student comes out of the dorm that neighbors Ryan’s. He is a dirty blonde with a beard, and is wearing a SUNY Plattsburgh shirt)


STUDENT: Hey, man, Ryan, right? I’m Mike, I’m your RA.


RYAN: Hi, Mike.


MIKE: Do you mind not vaping? It’s kind of forbidden on campus to smoke, or vape.


RYAN: Show me the science on popcorn lung and maybe I’ll stop. (Ryan goes into his dorm. Mike blinks and goes back into his dorm. Cut to Ryan looking at Blaine, who is still unpacking things) Listen…I think we got off on the wrong foot.


(Blaine stops what he’s doing and just stares at Ryan. Cut to Peter and Madeline hurriedly cleaning Coke off of Mr. Rizzoli’s suit in the lobby of Cryo Self To Health)



MADELINE: I’m so sorry, Mr. Rizzoli, we should’ve warned you it might do that-


PETER: Don’t worry, we’ll pay for the dry cleaning!

MADELINE: Yes! And, and, we’ll pull that bitch Mrs. O’Brien out of the machine early! Hold on!


(Madeline runs to the back room. Cut to Mrs. O’Brien in the cryotherapy machine, which is being overseen by Melinda. Madeline runs into the room and presses a button shutting down the machine)


MELINDA: What the hell!?





(Madeline goes over to the machine, and opens it)


MRS. O’BRIEN: What’s going on?


MADELINE: I’m sorry, ma’am, but If you value my life, you’ll get the hell out of here.


MRS. O’BRIEN: I paid for this!



MRS. O’BRIEN: Okay, geez!

(Mrs. O’Brien leaves as Peter brings in Mr. Rizzoli wearing nothing but a towel)


PETER: It’s ready for you, sir.


MADELINE: He got undressed quickly.


PETER: Please, sir, get in the machine.


MR. RIZZOLI: Alright, fine.


(Mr. Rizzoli gets in the machine and Madeline closes the door)


MADELINE: It’s going to get very cold. But remember, it’s good for you. For reasons I can never keep straight.


MR. RIZZOLI: I got an improv injury, so I’m glad the cryotherapy can treat the inflammation.


PETER: What’s the injury?


MR. RIZZOLI: Someone took a baseball bat to my shin. But in the end, he got what he deserved.


(Peter furrows his brow)


MELINDA: Which is?




MR. RIZZOLI: I said no to him. Totally embarrassed the dude.


PETER: Got it.


MADELINE: Keep speaking to Mr. Rizzoli, I have to make a call.


PETER: No problem. (Madeline leaves the room. Peter sits down on a stool) …Can I be candid, Mr. Rizzoli?


MR. RIZZOLI: Please, Peter, call me Vito.


(Peter smiles)


PETER: Alright. Vito. Is the worldwide conspiracy true?


MR. RIZZOLI: What worldwide conspiracy? Conspiracy to do what?


PETER: Just, the conspiracy. The Louisiana flooding is just a plot by the CIA to drown gypsies, right? And Nigel Farage is campaigning for Donald Trump so the UK can re-colonize the US under the guise of ending globalism?! And the mob invented Wi-Fi so they could track the location of their targets?!!! And the Clinton Foundation had Hillary meet with the Prince of Bahrain to agree on a plan to exile problematic meninists to Antarctica??!?!?! HILLARY HAS DEMENTIA-LEPROSY, DOESN’T SHE??!!?


MR. RIZZOLI: You’re funny, kid. I don’t have any say in the world, trust me. You know, you and Madeline have been so decent to me. How would you two like to come to my improv showcase on Sunday?


(Peter nods)


PETER: Of course! We’d love to!

(Madeline comes in)


MADELINE: What would we love to do?


PETER: Mr. Rizzoli just kindly invited us to his improv showcase.


MR. RIZZOLI: It’s my graduation showcase. I’ve completed all five levels.


MADELINE: Oh! (Madeline grits her teeth) Of course we’d like to come.


MR. RIZZOLI: Great. It’s 7pm Sunday, August 28th. At Providence Comedy House. Don’t be late.


(Mr. Rizzoli smiles. Madeline nods nervously while Peter nods excitedly. Cut to Madeline and Peter sitting at a table in a theatre at Providence Comedy House. There are other audience members at surrounding tables as well)


MADELINE: Remember, we have to laugh. LOUDLY. Every time he says something.


PETER: Come on, Vito wants honest feedback.


MADELINE: Stop calling him by his first name!


PETER: He’s a nice guy!

MADELINE: (Whispering) No, he’s not! He’s a mobster!


PETER: I know, but putting all that aside, he’s very amiable.


MADELINE: Why would we put that aside?!


(The lights go dark as the spotlight shines on a man standing on stage)


MAN: Uh, hello everyone, I’m Scott Nicholson, and I taught this level 5 class this term. (The audience cheers) Please, cheer if you are here to see somebody that you care about. (The audience applauds and cheers) Very good, well, this class has been working their asses off for weeks to prepare for an awesome improv show for you guys. So, without further ado, please welcome, THE LILIPADS!!!!


(Scott runs off stage, and Mr. Rizzoli, along with seven other classmates, run out on stage as the audience applauds. As the applause dies down, one of the classmates steps forward at the same time as Mr. Rizzoli)


CLASSMATE: Oh, sorry, go ahead.


MR. RIZZOLI: No. You do it. (Mr. Rizzoli squints) I insist.


(The classmate seems a little bit scared, but steps forward anyway)


CLASSMATE: Um. Hi. I’m Lorena. And we’re the Lilipads. Could we get a one-word suggestion to inspire the show tonight?




MADELINE: Don’t be that guy.




PETER: Better than being that guy.




LORENA: Rocket ship! When the lights come up.


(Lorena and the rest of the players walk off stage as the lights go down. The lights come back up and Mr. Rizzoli is on stage with a young adult male improviser)


YOUNG ADULT IMPROVISER: I don’t know if we’ll have time to put this space voyage together in time for the, launch.


MR. RIZZOLI: Oh, we’ll have time to put it together. I have a way of gettin’ things done, Jeremy.


(Madeline laughs)


PETER: Shh. (Whispering) His style of improv is about discovery, not trying to be funny.


JEREMY: But Jeremy, we have no funding!


MR. RIZZOLI: Come here, Jeremy.


(Mr. Rizzoli pulls Jeremy in close)



MR. RIZZOLI: I sent a monkey up there last week, as a test.




(The audience laughs)


MR. RIZZOLI: That’s why we have no money left.


(The audience laughs)


JEREMY: Wha-okay, so you told me that like you had a solution-


MR. RIZZOLI: Yeah, I don’t.


(The audience laughs, including genuine laughs from Madeline and Peter. Cut to a little bit later. Lorena and another improviser are on stage)


LORENA: What’s that up there?


(The other improviser squints)


IMPROVISER: It looks like it’s a monkey.


(The audience laughs as the lights go down. Madeline and Peter, and the rest of the audience, begin applauding as the lights go up on the class taking a bow. Scott comes on stage)


SCOTT: Uhhh, thank you very much guys, for coming out, let’s have another round of applause for these guys and the wonderful show they just put on. (The audience applauds again) Obviously, a lot of you guys have been to a number of these showcases, and I’m proud to inform you that this is the last one for these guys, they are graduating from the program.


(The audience applauds)


MR. RIZZOLI: And it wasn’t easy neither!

SCOTT: Vito is right. They worked really hard. So, we’re now going to do the graduation ceremony for these guys. (Scott takes out eight framed diplomas and sets them on a nearby chair) Okay, so we’re going to give these out in alphabetical order. First- (Scott picks up Vito Rizzoli’s diploma) oh, Vito Rizzoli. (The audience applauds, Peter gives a standing ovation) Huh. (The applause dies down, but Peter is still applauding. Madeline pulls him down to his seat, and he stops applauding) I can’t believe everyone in this class has a last name that’s after “R”. Anyway, Vito has been great. He was late on the first day, because, according to him, he spilled tomato juice all over his shirt, jeans and shoes and back seat of his car, so he had to change. But, the rest of the term, he “yes, and-ed” the shit out of all of his scene partners. And he also had an odd penchant for beating the shit out of his scene partners-in the scene, of course.


MR. RIZZOLI: Of course.


(Madeline fake laughs)




SCOTT: Uh, so here you go, Vito.


(Scott hands the diploma to Vito)


VITO: Really appreciate it, Scott. Appreciate you.


(Vito kisses Scott on the cheek)


SCOTT: Oh, okay.


(Peter stands up)


PETER: Ooh! Can I say something?


MADELINE: Peter! Holy shit, I just realized I’m Lois Griffin.


MR. RIZZOLI: Yeah, let Petey-Pete come up here.


SCOTT: Uh, sure, “yes, and”, right?


(Peter gets on stage as Madeline grimaces)


PETER: First off, congrats, Vito, you were hilarious tonight. And I thought Dane Cook was a great comedian. Huh.




PETER: Secondly, I met this guy just three days ago, but he is already one of my favorite people.  (Vito pats Peter on the back) He accepted my Follow request on Twitter the other day which is crazy, because he has a locked account. So proud.


MR. RIZZOLI: There’s a reason for that.




(The audience applauds as Mr. Rizzoli kisses Peter on the head and rubs the sides of his torso)


MADELINE: What is he doing to my man?


(Peter goes back into the audience and sits down)


SCOTT: That was quite possibly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen.


MR. RIZZOLI: Hey, you watch it.


SCOTT: Sorry, Mr. Rizzoli. Okay, let’s continue with the graduation.


(Cut to Peter and Madeline standing in the lobby area and bar area of Providence Comedy House)


MADELINE: I can’t believe you did that.


PETER: I’m sorry. You can’t deny a bromance.


MADELINE: What if word gets around that we’re cozying up to a mobster?!


PETER: Then we say we didn’t know! I mean honestly, there are no public enemy number ones anymore. Who keeps track of that stuff? I might be a serial killer!

MADELINE: I think you ARE a serial killer.


PETER: Who knows? I sleep walk, and then wake up in places I shouldn’t be all the time.


(Mr. and Mrs. Rizzoli come over to Peter and Madeline)


MADELINE: Hey, you were great, Mr. Rizzoli, really funny.


PETER: You’re amazing in general, Vito.


MR. RIZZOLI: Thank you guys so much, have you met my wife Myra?


MADELINE: Oh, hello, Myra, it’s a pleasure.


(Madeline shakes Myra’s hand)


MYRA: Charmed.


(Myra shakes Madeline, and then Peter’s hand)


PETER: Pleasure.


MYRA: You guys have been so decent to my husband, I would be remiss if I didn’t invite you to dinner tomorrow night at our mansion.


PETER: Of course we’ll go! Let’s make it a sleep-over! I’ll bring Smash Brothers!

MR. RIZZOLI: I love that game.


MADELINE: I don’t know, Peter, don’t you have an early morning on Tuesday?


PETER: No. I don’t have a job.


MADELINE: Well, I have an early morning on Tuesday, so-


MR. RIZZOLI: Oh. Oh, I see. You were just being nice to me for business, I get it.


MADELINE: What? No, I was-


MR. RIZZOLI: At least have the decency to say no.


PETER: Instead of “yes, and”. Madeline.


MADELINE: Why are you turning on me-Mr. Rizzoli, I wasn’t trying to offend, listen, I’ll shuffle my schedule around and I’ll make sure we make it.


MR. RIZZOLI: Capital.


MYRA: Wonderful. There’ll be a key under the 15,000 dollar Persian doormat at our front gate, you can get in that way.


MR. RIZZOLI: And once we find our dining room, we’ll text you how to get there.


PETER: Can’t wait.


(Madeline smiles nervously. Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Nelson watching Hansbay Local News, hosted by Richard Stovall)


ETHAN: I guarantee you, Irville is going to get even more attention today.


RICHARD: Donald Trump was given his first classified briefing recently-


ETHAN: I mean yeah, they’ll talk about Trump first.


RICHARD: And sources say the Republican nominee was curious, and asked many questions. Many, many questions.


NELSON: Bullshit.


ETHAN: They could’ve told that clown anything. They could’ve been like “oh, yeah, over here in Blazergastan, ISIS has a secret temple” and he would’ve been like “cool, cool, are we almost done here?”.


RICHARD: Donald Trump and Mike Pence toured the flooding damage in Louisiana recently, and were so generous with their time, they handed out much needed play-doh to flooding victims for just under one minute.


(The news shows the photo of Donald Trump and Mike Pence’s photo op where they are handing out play-doh)


FIONA: Yeah, they can rebuild their houses with that.


ETHAN: That’s how he built his casinos.


(Cut back to Richard)


RICHARD: Meanwhile, in rare Hillary Clinton news, the Clinton Foundation is receiving a lot of negative attention for e-mails revealing how as Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton often met with donors to the Clinton Foundation and may have given them favors at the State Department. The Clinton campaign responded with the following statement. “Come on guys, she didn’t do it THAT much! Plus, remember Trump? TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” In response to the controversy, the Clinton Foundation has pledged to stop taking foreign and corporate money if Secretary Clinton is elected, and Bill Clinton will also step down from the board of the Clinton Foundation.


ETHAN: Because the Oval Office is the one office the Clintons would never dare to corrupt.


NELSON: Come on, get to Satch.


RICHARD: In local news, Mayoral Candidate Irville Satch has been attracting a lot of attention.



ETHAN: Show some footage.


RICHARD: The eccentric union leader is STILL harassing library goers in an attempt to protest a proposed hike on library late fees. Let’s cut to our live feed of that.


(Cut to Irville speaking to a guy reading a 2014 Guinness Book of World Records book. He is looking over his shoulder)


IRVILLE: Ooh, I want to see the woman with the long fingernails, turn to that.


MAN: Dude, I’m the one reading this book.


(Cut back to Richard)


RICHARD: I’m sorry, we have to interrupt that live feed to bring you an impromptu press conference from Mayor Alexander and city councilman Greg Deters.




(Cut to a press conference in front of city hall, with a press pool, and Mayor Alexander behind his podium, and councilman Deters standing beside him)




COUNCILMAN DETERS: Why, biiiiiiiitch!?


MAYOR ALEXANDER: Because there are too many space aliens abducting our people and probing them, and it’s a real problem, and Deters is the only man I know who believes in the UFOs.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Fear the little green men! And this isn’t a metaphor for Mexicans.


MAYOR ALEXANDER: No, absolutely not, aliens are here to probe your ass.


(Councilman Deters takes the podium)


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Your move…. (Close up on Ethan’s squinted eyes, then cut back to Deters) aliens.


(Ethan turns off the TV)


ETHAN: That’s it. I have to OUT-ridiculous them. The race to the bottom begins!


NELSON: You’re not above that?


ETHAN: You’re goddamn right I’m not!

(Cut to Blaine walking into the dorm, to see Ryan drinking coffee in the middle of the room)




RYAN: Hey.


BLAINE: So, I’m glad we’re getting along now.


RYAN: Me too, man.


BLAINE: I really am sorry about you and your roommate not working out, that sucks. I know it must be hard.


RYAN: Yeah, it does. And it is.


BLAINE: …So did you end up hanging out with Alejandro?


RYAN: Actually, no, I didn’t, Alan just lives in our closet now, instead.


(Alan comes out of the closet wearing pajamas)


ALAN: S’up nigga?


BLAINE: Whoa, what the hell!?


ALAN: Don’t worry man, I got a blow-up bed in here, but I didn’t mess with your stuff. However, I reserve the right to bring a hoe in here if things go that way tonight.


RYAN: And whoever I bring has eminent domain in the bathroom.


ALAN: Deal.


(Ryan and Alan fist bump while Blaine rubs his temple)


RYAN: The Dream Team, back together again.


(The song “Untitled 1” by Interpol comes on as we cut to black, and the credits roll)



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