The Donahues Episode 255

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Ryan tries to go find Zachary’s ex, but once he finds him, he realizes he wants him. Jacob, Renzi and Sheila run into trouble once Sheila tries to seduce Afghani villagers and Ethan needs to downplay his latest controversy whilst deciding between Fiona and Anella







“We gon’ ball again, before he call us home, world is going brazy, where did we go wrong? It’s a tidal wave, it’s a thunder dome, get God on the phone!”

  • Kendrick Lamar


(We start with Ryan sitting in the corner of Zachary’s dark bedroom, at night, during a thunderstorm. Lightning and thunder are erupting creating a cacophony outside, while Zachary is in his bed, crying. Ryan keeps checking out the window)




RYAN: No, no, Zach, I haven’t seen any lightning.



RYAN: I don’t know how much control I have over that-



RYAN: Okay, yeah! Hey you, lightning! Don’t come in here, or, whatever. Something bad.




(Zachary cries)


RYAN: Okay, Zach, are you sure this isn’t about Xavier?




RYAN: Did he hate lightning or something?


ZACHARY: No, he loved it…but he made it quiet for me.


RYAN: How’d he do that?


ZACHARY: I don’t know, he just did! He cared about me!

(Huge thunder strikes and Zachary cries more)


RYAN: Well, you know, you’ll find someone else. I mean, you’re rich! Why wouldn’t you?


ZACHARY: Most people just use me for my money…


RYAN: Yeah, fuck, those people.


(Ryan rubs his neck)


ZACHARY: Xavier understood me. I’ll never find anybody else who does.


RYAN: …What was he like?


ZACHARY: He sang, but had no voice. He liked to hunt, but owned no gun. He made money, but sold nothing.


RYAN: Was this guy a riddle?


ZACHARY: Yes. And I spent years trying to figure him out.


RYAN: Where does he live now?


ZACHARY: He lives over in Schuyler Falls.


RYAN: So, that’s only like ten minutes from here. Try to take him back, or something. To make you stop crying.


ZACHARY: Only you can make me stop crying. Come here. (Lightning strikes again) COME QUICK!

RYAN: Got it.


(Ryan goes over and jumps into bed with Zachary. They cuddle as the rain patters against the window. Cut to Ryan and Alan sitting on the couch in the rec room at University Inn, in front of the TV. They are watching CNN minutes before the first Presidential debate begins)


ALAN: So, he pays you to do this?


RYAN: Yeah, and I’m not getting paid enough. This guy cries more than any other human being I’ve seen. And I’ve seen me.


ALAN: Yeah, I was about to say, you cry a lot.


RYAN: This guy is scared of LIGHTNING! When I was a kid, lightning and thunder would put me to sleep every night.


ALAN: And now how do you get to sleep?


RYAN: Lightning And Thunder. It’s this combo of cough syrup and Redline, and it really knocks me out.


ALAN: Damn, how does your heart still beat?


RYAN: I don’t know, it probably doesn’t. Feel me.


(Alan feel Ryan’s hand)


ALAN: That shit is cold as stone.


RYAN: Right?


(Alan takes his hand off Ryan’s hand)


ALAN: So what are you gonna do, quit?


RYAN: No. I think I know exactly what to do. I’m gonna find his ex, and get them back together. So I don’t have to cuddle with him anymore. And protect him from thunderstorms. And barking dogs. And the mirrors in his house.


ALAN: Dude, just quit! Damn!


RYAN: I don’t have the heart to just quit. He’s a sad little man. And that’s saying something, because I’m the one who agreed to debase myself for his money.


ALAN: Yeah, dude, if he asked me to do that, I would’ve just looked him in the eye and said “I don’t play like that, ni-gga!”


RYAN: Do you think that’s what Hillary should do to Trump in a few minutes here?


ALAN: I think Hillary should make a positive case for herself-no, I’m just fuckin’ around, she should attack Trump.


RYAN: Yes, definitely.


LESTER HOLT: (On Television) Good evening from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York. I’m Lester Holt, anchor of NBC Nightly News, I want to welcome you to the first Presidential Debate. The participants tonight are Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.


RYAN: Oddly enough.


LESTER HOLT: This debate is sponsored by the commission on Presidential Debates, a non-partisan, non-profit organization. The commission drafted tonight’s format. And the rules have been agreed to by the campaigns. The ninety-minute debate is divided into six segments, each fifteen minutes long. We’ll explore three topic areas tonight. Achieving prosperity, America’s direction and securing America. At the start of each segment I will ask the same lead-off question to both candidates and they will each have up to two minutes to respond. From that point, until the end of the segment, we’ll have an open discussion. The questions are mine and have not been shared with the commission or the campaigns. The audience here in the room has agreed to remain silent so that we can focus on what the candidates are saying. I will invite you to applaud however, at this moment, as we welcome the candidates. Democratic Nominee for President of the United States Hillary Clinton- (applause) and Republican Nominee for President of the United States, Donald J. Trump.


(Huge applause as Clinton and Trump come out on stage and shake each other’s hands)


SECRETARY CLINTON: Hey. How are you, Donald?


RYAN: Look at them. They have to pretend like they don’t absolutely despise one another.


ALAN: Isn’t this the first time they’ve seen each other in person since Donald Trump’s wedding back in 2005?


RYAN: …Holy shit, yeah, probably. She probably told him they’d hang out again some time at his wedding too. And here they are.


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Anella watching the debate at Ethan’s apartment)


SECRETARY CLINTON: And the kind of plan that Donald has put forth would be trickle-down economics all over again. In fact, it would be the most extreme version, the biggest tax cuts for, uh, the top percents of the people in this country that we’ve ever had. I call it, “Trumped up, trickle down” because that’s exactly what it would be.


ETHAN: Jesus, do I have to vote for her?


FIONA: I guess whoever came up with that quip hasn’t worked on a campaign since 1984.


(Cut to Kimberly and Luke watching the debate in their home)


DONALD TRUMP: But the politicians haven’t done anything about it, but in all fairness to, uh- (Trump looks over at Hillary and gesticulates towards her) Secretary Clinton? Yes? (Secretary Clinton nods) Good. I want you to be very happy. (Uncomfortable laughter) It’s very important to me.


LUKE: What is this fucking bloke on about?


KIMBERLY: He’s such a weirdo. Yes, HER NAME IS SECRETARY CLINTON! That’s what you call her!


LUKE: I swear, I’m about ready to slap this bloody twat right in his orange face!


KIMBERLY: Your inner British Pub self is coming out.


(Luke rolls up his sleeves)


LUKE: Have a go, old man, have a go!


(Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi and numerous other soldiers watching from their base in Afghanistan’s rec room)


SECRETARY CLINTON: In fact, Donald was one of the people who rooted for the housing crisis. He said, back in 2006, “gee, I hope it does collapse because then I can go in and buy some and make some money”. Well, it did collapse. Ni-


DONALD TRUMP: That’s called business by the way.





JACOB: He didn’t get her! He just bragged about taking advantage of the housing crash!


SOLDIER: It’s business, Jacob.


JACOB: Yeah, so is drug dealing!


PRIVATE RENZI: That’s what I like about Donald Trump, though. He’s so openly a gangster. He’s been sniffing throughout this whole debate like he’s Al Capone. (Renzi starts sniffing and looks around) “Yeah, I’ll uh- (Sniff) I’ll loan America some money. (Sniff) No problem. Interest rate is gonna be uh- (Sniff) 25% percent. But don’t worry about it”.


(Cut to Madeline and Peter watching the debate at their apartment in Warwick)


DONALD TRUMP: I will release my tax returns, against my lawyer’s wishes, when she releases her 33,000 e-mails that had been deleted. As soon as she releases them- (people cheer) I will release, I will release, my tax returns. And that’s against-my lawyers, they say don’t do it, I will tell you this, in fact, watching, shows, to reading the papers, almost every lawyer says, you don’t release your returns until the audit’s complete. When the audit’s complete, I’ll do it. But I would go against them, if she releases her e-mails-


LESTER HOLT: So it’s negotiable?


MADELINE: How about this, asshole? If you release your tax returns, Obama will release the video of his birth, where his infant hands are holding the Honolulu Times with the date August 4, 1961 on it. Deal?


PETER: Maddie, you have to remember, he settled that whole thing.


MADELINE: Oh, of course, I forgot.


(Cut to Ryan and Alan watching the debate at University Inn)


SECRETARY CLINTON: So you’ve gotta ask yourself. Why won’t he release his tax returns? And I think there may be a couple of reasons. First, maybe he’s not as rich as he says he is.


ALAN: Damn, they’re scorin’ on each other This is my favorite part.


RYAN: That’s gotta hurt more than anything else. Hillary might as well have said “maybe his father WAS disappointed in him. Maybe he did lose that game of hide and seek back in 1954.”


(Cut to Ethan, Fiona and Anella watching the debate)


SECRETARY CLINTON: But remember, Donald started his career back in 1973, being sued by the Justice Department for racial discrimination. Because he would not rent, apartments in one of his developments to African-Americans and he made sure that the people who worked for him understood that was the policy. He actually was sued twice by the Justice Department. So, he has a long, record of engaging in racist behavior.




ANELLA: And I thought Hillary couldn’t do it. She threw down the R-card. She actually said something that takes some grain of courage.


ETHAN: She may have said it because if she calls him a racist, he’ll feel the need to one-up her and call her a cunt.


FIONA: Whoa!

ETHAN: Hey! I didn’t say it! Theoretical Donald Trump said it! Remember? I’m With Her!


(Ethan smiles. Cut to Ryan and Alan watching the debate at University Inn)


DONALD TRUMP: In Palm Beach, Florida, tough community, brilliant community, wealthy community, probably the wealthiest community there is in the world. I opened up a club. And, really got great credit for it. No discrimination, against African Americans, against Muslims, against anybody! And it’s a tremendously successful club, and I’m so glad I did it, and, I have been given great credit for what, I did, and I’m very, very proud of it. And that’s the way I feel. That is the true way I feel.


(Ryan and Alan are cracking up)


ALAN: This nigga-this nigga says “I let blacks and Muslims in my club, GIVE MY ASS SOME CREDIT!!!”


(Alan and Ryan continue cracking up)


RYAN: So-so-so does he have your vote?


ALAN: Oh yeah, I’m voting for Trump now. I WANT IN ON SOME OF THAT CLUB ACTION!


(Ryan and Alan crack up. Cut to Madeline and Peter watching the debate)


DONALD TRUMP: The security aspect of cyber, is very, very tough. And maybe, it’s hardly doable!


MADELINE: Why does he keep saying “cyber” like it’s a noun?


PETER: I know, right? He sounds like my grandma when she would call my Playstation “the Nintendo”.


(Madeline laughs)


MADELINE: The Nintendo is a disaster, the Japanese are stealing our video game jobs, believe me. It’s a mess.


PETER: Who here remembers Pearl Harbor? I do! I was down there when it happened, I lost hundreds of friends, and I worked on the clean-up effort afterward. Believe me.


(Cut to Ryan and Alan watching the debate)


DONALD TRUMP: Somebody who’s been very vicious to me, Rosie O’Donnell, I said, very tough things to her and I think everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her.




ALAN: You know who I feel bad for right now? Donald Trump’s surrogates.


RYAN: No kidding.


(Cut to Ethan campaigning at the Hansbay High auditorium, with numerous parents and teachers sitting before him. He is holding a microphone)


ETHAN: I would say, education is very important. And we should be appointing school board members who reflect that. The city council gets to vote on school board members. This is important to remember. Because-


(Councilman Deters walks on stage holding DVDs)


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Hey everybody, free copies of my sex tape.


(The parents and teachers start clamoring as Deters hands out copies of his sex tape. Ethan puts the microphone down by his waist)


ETHAN: Goddamnit. (Ethan shakes his head) I should really check out that Alicia Machado sex tape, to be honest. (Cut to Ethan, Fiona, Micah and Anella in the campaign’s board room) I’m just so tired of trying to one-up Deters. I’ve gone way too low already.


MICAH: My advice? Play with yourself at your next rally.


FIONA: I agree.


ETHAN: Guys, ENOUGH of the madness! (Ethan stands up) My lead’s blown and there’s five weeks to go! I’m even with Deters in the polls. And most of these asshole voters STILL haven’t heard of either of us!

ANELLA: That’s to be expected, babe.


ETHAN: I’m just saying, we can only go so low! Look at Trump, he called Alicia Machado fat numerous times over the past week, Mike Pence pretended like Trump doesn’t exist at last night’s VP debate, and it hasn’t helped him! He was at a 48% chance of becoming President on MONDAY, it’s now Friday, and he’s down to 32%. I’ve dragged Deters down, can’t I go high now? Make him look like an asshole?


MICAH: It won’t matter. People don’t trust you, because you’re corrupt.


ETHAN: Excuse me?


MICAH: I’m sorry, the perception is you’re corrupt.


ETHAN: Thank you!


ANELLA: My God, you are Hillary.


MICAH: I still suggest you play with yourself at the next rally.


FIONA: Couldn’t agree more.


ANELLA: Honestly, yeah.


ETHAN: No, I’m not-Jesus, I’m not jerking off at a rally!

MICAH: Not jerking off. Playing with yourself.


ETHAN: Forget it! I’m going home, I’m gonna take a break from the campaign.


(Ethan leaves the room. Micah gets a notification on his phone, and he looks at it. His eyes widen)




(Ethan comes back into the room)


ETHAN: What is it? Campaign stuff? I love campaign stuff.


MICAH: You won’t love this.


(Micah shows Ethan the phone. The notification is a news story from the Hansbay Quintessential that says “Donahue Lived With Traitor Edward Snowden in Russia In 2015”)


ETHAN: Oh, Christ on a stick. (Anella looks down) You think this is Manafort?


MICAH: It’s got his handprints all over it.


(Ethan sits down)


ETHAN: But there are only a few people I’ve ever told that to. And Ed wouldn’t have said anything. He wouldn’t do that to me.


MICAH: Hey, he betrayed his country, so, you never know.




(They all look at Anella)


ETHAN: …Anella, you okay?


(Anella sighs)


ANELLA: We need to talk, Ethan.


MICAH: You’re gonna want your lawyer there, Ethan.


ETHAN: Leave, Micah.


MICAH: Okay then.


(Micah leaves)


FIONA: I miss when we were the Three Musketeers, you know.


(Fiona leaves and closes the door behind her)


ETHAN: What’s going on?


(Anella sighs)


ANELLA: Please don’t kill me.


ETHAN: I can’t make that guarantee. Because apparently I’m Hillary Clinton.


ANELLA: Listen, you’re gonna…want to kill me when I tell you this.


ETHAN: Your delaying of it makes me wanna kill you already.


ANELLA: When we first met, I was sent by Manafort. (Ethan’s face freezes) So he could have a scandal to use against you. (Pause) Ethan? I’m just gonna keep going-


ETHAN: Whaaaaaaat.


ANELLA: But eventually I really did develop feelings for you. And so once Manafort got into the campaign-




ANELLA: BECAUSE! I didn’t want you to think our relationship was based on me kind of being a spy!




ANELLA: I was eager to screw over a Hillary supporter. And at the time, I kind of thought Trump would be better for the country in the long run because Americans would rise up against him and defeat him in 2020 and put in a real progressive, you know?




ANELLA: Just, please don’t be angry at me.



ANELLA: The reason I tell you this, is, I think Manafort may have gotten access to the evidence while he worked here.


ETHAN: The evidence of what? My Russian roommate? I thought we deleted all those selfies. And the picture of the pillow fort. I remember, because it was hard to get rid of those.


ANELLA: You didn’t delete the PDF of the lease.


ETHAN: Oh, you can’t be serious.


ANELLA: Yeah. I found it on your laptop when I was initially trying to find dirt on you, before I abandoned Manafort.


ETHAN: So you got Manafort fired-


ANELLA: To protect you.


(Ethan shakes his head)


ETHAN: I can’t believe you.


ANELLA: I love you. Okay? Don’t hate me for this.


(Ethan stands up)


ETHAN: I need to process this. I need to take a walk or skip rocks, or something. You know Lake Champlain?




ETHAN: Yeah, I’m gonna go drown myself there. I’ll see ya.


(Ethan turns to leave)


ANELLA: Wait. (Ethan turns to Anella) When in doubt, embrace it.


(Ethan nods, and leaves. Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi and Sheila Woods patrolling a village in Afghanistan)


JACOB: Alright guys, we’ve been advised to keep on the lookout for an Arab woman wearing a black, full body burka and sandals.


PRIVATE RENZI: …Dude, that’s all of them.


JACOB: I think he said it was off-black.


SHEILA: Ugh, can we buy from one of these fruit carts?


JACOB: We’re American soldiers, we should not be buying strange fruit from strange people.


PRIVATE RENZI: That’s racist.


JACOB: No, I don’t mean strange like that- I mean like, we don’t know them!

PRIVATE RENZI: Have you even made an effort to get to know these people? (Private Renzi walks over to a fruit stand being manned by an Afghani man) Watch and learn. Sheila, tell him I’m interested in purchasing a fruit.


(Sheila takes off her fake beard)


SHEILA: (Flirty) ???? ?? ?????? ???? ?? ?? ????? ???? ???. ??? ???? ???? ?? ?? ? ?????? ????


(SUBTITLES: “You are pretty cute, fruit boy. Do you have a wife, or multiple wives?”)


(The fruit stand manager smiles)


FRUIT STAND MANAGER: ???? ????? ???? ???? ??? ???? ?? ????.


(SUBTITLES: “You don’t look so bad yourself, hot stuff”)


PRIVATE RENZI: What’d he say?


SHEILA: He said, “you don’t look so bad yourself, hot stuff”.


(Private Renzi squints)


PRIVATE RENZI: What, why? I mean, I guess you could- I had you tell him I was interested in purchasing a fruit. Could that be misinterpreted as-do they sell gay people here?


JACOB: We should just go, guys.


SHEILA: Fine. But let me say goodbye.


(Sheila takes the stand manager’s hand and kisses it. He giggles excitedly as she waves. They walk away)


PRIVATE RENZI: Were you flirting with him?!


SHEILA: Yeah, a little bit.


JACOB: But why? He’s not really your type and also, you’re in a war situation.


SHEILA: I just flirt to relieve the monotony mostly. I mean honestly they talk about religious and civil strife all the damn time, but mostly this country is just boring.


PRIVATE RENZI: Whatever floats your boat.


JACOB: NO! (They both look at Jacob) I mean, sure. But we can’t be compromising our security by having one of these people you charm take advantage of us.


SHEILA: Trust me, if I’m charming them, I’m the one taking advantage.


JACOB: That’s a good point. And I’m speaking from experience.


(Sheila turns to Jacob)


SHEILA: Do we have a problem here?


JACOB: We’ve been patrolling the desert for a month. Have you not noticed the deafening sexual tension?


PRIVATE RENZI: It’s so thick, even the Sunni and the Shiite are coming together to gossip about it to each other.


SHEILA: I haven’t noticed anything.


JACOB: So you’re saying you’re NOT flirting with all these people to try to illicit jealousy from me?


SHEILA: Not at all. (A kid runs by, chasing a ball) HEY KID, YOU’RE HOT! (The kid runs away, scared. Renzi and Jacob furrow their brows) I, uh, I like to brighten people’s days. Alright, let’s just keep walking.


(They keep walking. Cut to Jacob, Renzi and Sheila walking by an Afghani Café. Two men outside the café are engaged in a shoving match)



PRIVATE RENZI: God, we really are just like local police. Only less trigger-happy.


(The two men turn around and start yelling at Jacob, Renzi and Sheila in Pashto, and other café customers join in)




SHEILA: Death To, something, but I can’t quite figure it out.


PRIVATE RENZI: Shit, should we brandish our weapons?


JACOB: No, not yet, not until they get physical. (The men start throwing shoes at them) OKAY, NOW BRANDISH!!


(Private Renzi, Jacob and Sheila brandish their weapons as they hide from the shoe projectiles behind some nearby trash cans)


JACOB: Sons of bitches are hammering us!

(Private Renzi takes his walkie talkie)


PRIVATE RENZI: Base, we need backup, we’re six miles east of Kandahar, and we’re getting fucking shoes thrown at us!


SHEILA: Hold off on that. Let me try something.


PRIVATE RENZI: No, I’m still gonna complete this call.


SHEILA: These guys speak Arabic instead of Pashto, I’m a little rusty, but I can try.


(Sheila stands up and catches two shoes with her hands)


SHEILA: ????? ?? ?????.


(SUBTITLES: “Hey boys”)


JACOB: How’d she do that?!


(The Afghanis stop throwing shoes and look at her)


AFGHANI 1: ???? ?????? ?????? ??? ????? ????? ?? ???? ???????


(SUBTITLES: “What do you and your sinful yet luscious figure want?”)


(Sheila tears off her Kevlar vest and exposes her breasts, much to Jacob and Renzi’s shock)


JACOB: My God.


RADIO: Private Renzi? Private Renzi, do you copy?


PRIVATE RENZI: (To radio) Shhhh.


SHEILA: ???? ??????? ??? ???.


(SUBTITLES: Come and get some)


AFGHANI 2: (Yelling) ?????!




ARGHANI 1: (Yelling) ?????!

(They keep yelling “whore” in Pashto)










(Members of the Taliban approach, pointing guns at Sheila. Jacob and Renzi point their weapons, but they’re outnumbered)


TALIBAN MEMBER: (Afghani accent) We out number you, morons.


(They kidnap Sheila, and she screams as they carry her away)


JACOB: Shit.


PRIVATE RENZI: Let’s get the hell out of here.


(Jacob and Private Renzi retreat. Cut to Ryan sitting in a corner at the Schuyler Falls Library. He is reading through old newspapers, and the ground below him has numerous empty Monster cans on the ground. Ryan looks sleep-deprived and his eyes are bloodshot. Ryan hurriedly flips through the newspaper)


RYAN: Goddamnit, goddamnit, goddamnit! There is no evidence of this guy! Somebody who sings but has no voice, what the hell does that mean?! I need more Adderall.


(Ryan takes out a bottle of Adderall and puts a bunch in his hand and then crushes them up on the table. He then puts a funnel in his ear, when a library employee peeks her head in)


LIBRARIAN: Excuse me, sir! What are you doing in the current events section?


RYAN: I figured nobody would be back here.


LIBRARIAN: Well, you’re right. But that doesn’t mean you can live here. And trash the place.


RYAN: I’m sorry, ma’am. I’ll clean up if you can just help me with this trouble I’m having. I need to find- (Ryan takes the funnel out of his ear) a guy who lives in Schuyler Falls based on just a riddle.


(The librarian sits down)


LIBRARIAN: Ooh, I love riddles! Go ahead, what is it?


RYAN: Okay, here it is. “He sings but has no voice. He likes to hunt, but has no gun. He makes money, but sells nothing”.


LIBRARIAN: Huh. Maybe like, a guy who’s bad at singing but does it anyway, hunts with a spear, and robs banks?


RYAN: …Yeah, I mean, that, resolves everything but that’s not really how riddles are supposed to work.


LIBRARIAN: I know at least three people like that.


RYAN: Really, who?


(Catherine comes in holding books)


CATHERINE: Hey Misra, oh, what the hell?


RYAN: Catherine!

CATHERINE: Ryan, what are you doing here?


RYAN: You found a job? At a library?


CATHERINE: Yeah, and you clearly found a job as a stalker with an addy problem.


RYAN: Catherine, I didn’t know you worked here, okay? I’m just, researching for, you know, school. (Ryan stands up) I NEED TO FIND THIS ONE GUY, I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN TWO DAYS!!!


CATHERINE: Ugh. Fine. Can you describe him?


RYAN: Sings, no voice. Hunts, no gun. Makes money, sells nothing.


CATHERINE: Jesus. Misra, doesn’t that sound like Terrence?


MISRA: Oh my God, yes it does!



(Ryan grabs a random book)


CATHERINE: Follow Misra, you child.


MISRA: Come with me.


(Ryan follows Misra as Catherine walks away. Cut to Ryan and Misra walking over to the comic section. Terrence is frantically searching the section while badly singing “Send My Love” by Adele)


TERRENCE: (Singing badly) Send my love to your new lover, treat her better…


RYAN: Oh, so he really is just a shitty singer. But how is he a hunter?


MISRA: He’s hunting for whatever science fiction shit he’s into, first off.


(Terrence scans the issues)


TERRENCE: Where in the hell is the graphic novel version of Friends?


MISRA: See? That’s incredibly obscure.


RYAN: And he works at a library. So he sells nothing, but makes money.


MISRA: That’s right.


RYAN: Huh. What’s with that spear over there?


MISRA: I don’t know.


(Catherine comes over to the aisle)


CATHERINE: Terrence.


(Terrence turns towards Catherine, Misra and Ryan, and Terrence turning his head is shown in slow motion as Terrence’s dirty blonde hair, unbuttoned green collared shirt and black and white striped shirt flow in an inexplicable wind. Ryan tilts his head with infatuation, also in slow motion. Cut to regular speed)


TERRENCE: What is it, Catherine?


CATHERINE: It’s your job this week to weed out the masturbators from the computer stations, alright?


TERRENCE: Yes, ma’am.


(Terrence gets up to do that, but Ryan stops him)


RYAN: Hold on, Terrence.


TERRENCE: Can I help you?


RYAN: Yes. Yes, you can. Did you used to date a man named Zach?


(Terrence sighs)


TERRENCE: Never heard of a Zach. Now excuse me, I have to get the broom.


(Terrence walks away)


RYAN: Shit. But I know it’s him!

CATHERINE: Guess it isn’t. Guess you should leave. Since you’re not renting anything and are basically squatting here.


RYAN: Should I rent the space, or?


CATHERINE: No, you can’t do that!

RYAN: Give me a second, Cathy.


(Ryan walks away. Catherine sighs. Cut to Ryan walking over to the computer stations with a broom. Ryan walks behind some people at computers)


TERRENCE: GET! (Terrence starts poking one of them with a broom) GET OUTTA HERE! (The masturbator panics and runs away) Nice taste though.


(Ryan walks over)


RYAN: I know you dated Zach.


(Terrence looks at Ryan)


TERRENCE: I told you, I never dated a Zach.


(Ryan walks up closer to Terrence)


RYAN: If you didn’t…who did?


(Terrence sighs)


TERRENCE: That was someone else. He kind of looked like me, but instead he was pathetic, and gave into Zach’s emotional manipulation. That guy is the reason I always get sick during thunderstorms.


RYAN: So good, I’m not crazy.


TERRENCE: What do you want with me? Are you one of his new victims?


RYAN: No, he hasn’t grabbed my pussy yet.


TERRENCE: Just wait until he takes you furniture shopping.


(Ryan smiles)


RYAN: You’re cute.




RYAN: …Zach is my sugar daddy.


TERRENCE: So he’s gotten into that business, huh? He was always talking about doing that. Never thought he’d pull the trigger.


RYAN: Well. He has. I’m not proud of it, but I only use the money for bare essentials.


(Misra comes over)

MISRA: Shhh!!


(Ryan hands Misra a wad of cash, and Misra smiles and walks away)


RYAN: I wanted you two to get back together so he would stop crying, but…right now I just want to go and trip balls in the desert with you.


TERRENCE: Call me when I get off work. My number’s 518-772-9045.


(Ryan takes out his phone and puts in the number)


RYAN: I’ll text you.




(Ryan nods and waves)


RYAN: Bye.




(Ryan smiles and walks away quickly, as Terrence watches him leave intently. Cut to Ethan standing before Lake Champlain, holding a rock as the sun sets. Ethan tries to skip a rock, but it just sinks into the lake)


ETHAN: Damnit, how am I not doing this right? This is too poetic to be real. (Ethan sits down. He reaches for a nearby case of beer. He opens a bottle, and begins drinking it. From offscreen, a hand reaches to grab a beer. Ethan looks over to see it’s Anella) JESUS!

ANELLA: Sorry.


ETHAN: You scared the shit out of me!


ANELLA: I apologize, I learned sneaking skills when I was in film school.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: What do you want, Anella?


ANELLA: I want you to make a choice.


ETHAN: I know. Stay in the race, or drop out. Or fake my death, which I can do at a moment’s notice. Special trick I learned in Russia.


ANELLA: No. Between Fiona and I.


(Ethan looks at Anella)


ETHAN: What do you mean?


ANELLA: This is how I prove my devotion to our relationship. By asking you to commit to me. And this is hard for me to do, because I think monogamy is as unnatural as the Wi-Fi in the air giving our children Asperger’s.


ETHAN: But Anella, it’s not as easy as leaving Fiona-


ANELLA: Why not?


ETHAN: She’s crazy. Easy question to answer.


ANELLA: What is she gonna do? Kill you? I’ll knock a table over in front of that bitch if I have to.


ETHAN: You might also want to consider that we’re married.


ANELLA: Then get a divorce-why do adults think problems are so complicated?


ETHAN: You know, you’re an adult too.


ANELLA: When I grow up, I’m gonna do drugs instead of work.


ETHAN: Anella. Let me tell you something. There’s only one way to escape this.


(Ethan takes off his shirt)


ANELLA: No, I’m not having sex with you until you make a decision!


ETHAN: No, I was gonna burn my clothes and then you were gonna smuggle me into South America. I want to try churros!

ANELLA: You can eat Churros here-just, Ethan! No! You can’t run away from this problem. You have to face it head on.


(Ethan turns to Anella)


ETHAN: What do you suggest I do, exactly?


ANELLA: Tell the truth. At the next debate, in a week or so, just say you needed a place to stay, and he was offering.


ETHAN: Yeah, but what’s the spin?


ANELLA: …There is no spin. You just say what happened. They never asked you about Snowden, so you didn’t really lie about it, you just never disclosed it.


ETHAN: …I don’t get it.


(Anella holds Ethan’s head with her hands)


ANELLA: TELL THE TRUTH, YOU PSYCHO POLITICIAN!! (Anella pats Ethan on the cheek and then puts her hands down) And then divorce your wife.


ETHAN: …Yes ma’am.


(Cut to a City Council Debate. Richard Stovall is moderating the debate between Deters and Donahue in Hansbay Elementary auditorium)


RICHARD: Okay, moving on from property taxes, let’s go to the campaign for President.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: (Under his breath) Oh, Jesus.


RICHARD: Councilman Deters, a shocking audio tape of Donald Trump and Billy Bush speaking on an Access Hollywood bus back in 2005 surfaced Friday, and the tape contains explicit and sexually aggressive remarks Mr. Trump made, such as when he said that, as a star, he can “do anything” to women, including “grab them by the pussy”.


ETHAN: Did you have to say it?


RICHARD: Do you feel comfortable continuing to support a man who brags about sexually assaulting women?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: You know, I rehearsed my response to this a lot recently, and, I even prayed about it, and in honor of Yom Kippur, I think it’s important to emphasize the power of forgiveness. This type of language has no place in our national discourse, but nothing is too disgusting and rapey for God to forgive.


ETHAN: So, Councilman, you’re willing to look your daughter or mother in the eye and say you’re supporting a man for President who brags about sexually assaulting women?


COUNCILMAN DETERS: You know, we’re coming up on Columbus Day, and that really tells you a lot about forgiveness. I mean, Columbus killed and raped a lot of people, but we forgave him so much he got his own day.


ETHAN: Councilman, have you no courage? This man has absolutely no respect for women, and I would know, because I love women. I love them so much, I have two sexual partners.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: You know, Thursday was German-American day, and-


RICHARD STOVALL: We’re going to move on, gentlemen. Mr. Donahue, you have been embroiled in a controversy as of late. Several days ago, it was revealed you lived with notorious NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden when you lived in Russia, a man some consider to be a traitor. Why did you live with Snowden and why did you keep it from the people of Hansbay?


ETHAN: Well, I’m glad you asked, because, this is important. No one ever asked me about it, so I didn’t keep it from the people of Hansbay, I just didn’t think it that important. Honestly, he needed a roommate and I happened to see his poster. I disagree with what Snowden did, but me living with him does not mean I wouldn’t throw his scrawny ass in the slammer if he came back to the good ‘ol U-S-of-A.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I wouldn’t have lived with him, and if I saw him in the street, I’d kick his scrawny ass.


ETHAN: He keeps saying crazy things! Isn’t it crazy, I’m pretty much the default choice now.


RICHARD: Okay, gentlemen, we here at Hansbay 5 are going to take a quick commercial break. We’ll be right back with the Hansbay City Council debate, right here at Hansbay Elementary. Stick around. (To the producer) Are we off the air? Okay, good. (Richard takes out a hair tie and lets his inexplicably long hair down) That feels good.


(Ethan takes a water bottle out from under his podium and takes a drink)


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I gotta go pee. How long is the commercial break?


ETHAN: It’s like three minutes, just go.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Okay. Are those fruit snacks backstage complimentary?


RICHARD: Those are for the young children, but I guess you can have some.



(Deters runs backstage)


ETHAN: Such a child.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: (Over the auditorium PAs) Cool, Flintstones gummies!


(Eating noises)


RICHARD: He left his mic on, somebody should-


ETHAN: Do me a favor and hold off on that.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I always love the Betty gummies. Back when I watched Flintstones, I always thought Betty was a hot piece of ass. Don’t you agree, Willy?


WILLY: (Over the PA) Oh yeah, hot, hot piece of ass.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I would fuck her so hard.


WILLY: Yeah, you would!


COUNCILMAN DETERS: Barney wouldn’t have to know. To be honest, neither would Betty.


(Ethan starts crying from happiness)


WILLY: Woooo! Deters has scored!


ETHAN: I’m so happy.


COUNCILMAN DETERS: I have to go find someone who looks like Betty Rubble and smash tonight. Where’s the bathroom by the way?


(Cut to Jacob and Private Renzi sitting outside General MaGarthur’s office)


PRIVATE RENZI: …I mean, we did succeed in getting rid of her.


JACOB: That is NOT what I meant by that!

PRIVATE RENZI: I’m just trying to look at the bright side!

JACOB: This is really fuckin’ bad. Imagine what the Taliban will do to her.


PRIVATE RENZI: You can’t let your feelings get in the way, man. She’ll make her way in the Taliban, if she has to. She’s an adapter.


JACOB: Dude, what is wrong with you?


PRIVATE RENZI: Clinically, I’m a sociopath.


(The door to MaGarthur’s office opens)


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Get in here, Renzi and Donahue.


(Jacob and Renzi walk in and sit down in front of MaGarthur’s desk)


JACOB: Before you say anything-


(General MaGarthur slaps both Jacob and Renzi across the face)


PRIVATE RENZI: What the hell?!




ETHAN: Come on-


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: You let them kidnap my dear Sheila-


(MaGarthur tears up)


ETHAN: What?! You know her name isn’t Shawn?!


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Of course I do! She hooved it in here two months ago and seduced me into giving her the job. And then I agreed to pretend she was a guy for show, in exchange for more of that sweet, sweet box of tricks.


(Jacob puts his head in his hands)


JACOB: Is there any men this chick doesn’t manipulate?


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: I’m sending in the army to locate Sheila.


PRIVATE RENZI: Wait, what do you mean “the army”?


GENERAL MAGARTHUR: Every single person here on base.


(Jacob lifts his head up)


JACOB: Sir, with all due respect, it makes sense to send a few guys out there, but everyone?!


(MaGarthur slams his fist on the desk)




(Renzi and Jacob leave in a panic. Cut to Jacob, Private Renzi and two-hundred and ninety-eight soldiers behind them)


JACOB: Why are we commanding this platoon?


PRIVATE RENZI: Because we know exactly where it happened.


JACOB: Shit. How many men is this?


PRIVATE RENZI: I think, exactly 300.


JACOB: Holy FUCK, this is like the pussy that launched a thousand ships!


PRIVATE RENZI: I honestly don’t see what’s so great about her.


(Cut to Terrence playing a GameBoy behind the library. Catherine walks through the library’s back door holding a sack of garbage)


CATHERINE: What are you doing?


TERRENCE: I’m playing Super Mario Bros for the GameBoy, except it’s a Yaoi mod.


CATHERINE: That’s unbearable, listen, you need to get back to work.


TERRENCE: I’m on my break.


CATHERINE: Break’s over, get back to it.


TERRENCE: I have fifteen minutes left!

(Catherine puts the garbage sack down)


CATHERINE: Terrence. There’s a bunch of people who need help, including a woman in there looking for “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets’ Nest”.


TERRENCE: Tell her we don’t have it.


CATHERINE: Do we not?


TERRENCE: I don’t know. I just always tell them we don’t have whatever they’re looking for. It’s the government’s fault really for creating a public library with no profit motive.


CATHERINE: I’m sorry, Terrence, you’re fired.




CATHERINE: If you’re not gonna help me tell these people we don’t have what they’re looking for, I’m gonna have to let you go.


TERRENCE: I’m sorry, I’ll do it!

CATHERINE: Nope, too late, I already, I already said the words.


(Catherine goes inside. Terrence looks devastated. Cut to Ryan sitting at a pizza place near SUNY Plattsburgh called “Cracked Crust”. He is looking at his phone when Terrence comes in, clearly trying to hold back tears. Terrence sits down)




(Ryan puts the phone down)


RYAN: Oh my God, who hurt you? I’ll kill them!


TERRENCE: My boss fired me. From the library. So I’m really upset, sorry our first date is ruined.


RYAN: No, it’s not ruined. Trust me. Just tell me what happened.


TERRENCE: Catherine came up to me during my break-


RYAN: Catherine fired you!?


TERRENCE: Yeah, do you know her?


RYAN: Yeah, she’s my ex.


TERRENCE: …Ex nanny? Or?


RYAN: No, girlfriend. She’s not THAT old. And I’m bi.


TERRENCE: Wow. So my former boss is your former girlfriend and your sugar daddy is my former boyfriend?


RYAN: Seems that way.


TERRENCE: Well. Just being here makes me feel better.


(Ryan nods)


RYAN: I’m sure you’ll find another job.


TERRENCE: Maybe here!

RYAN: No, you don’t want to work here. There’s a homeless guy with a chip on his shoulder working the greaser back there.


TERRENCE: Oh. (Pause) What’s a greaser-


RYAN: So let me ask you something. Would you like to trip balls and take me on walkies?


TERRENCE: …More than anything.


(Ryan and Terrence clasp their hands together. The homeless guy with a chip on his shoulder walks over to their table. He sighs)




RYAN: Two slices of pepperoni for me.


TERRENCE: I’ll have a vegan pizza, if you have it.


HOMELESS GUY WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER: …Great. Thanks for the curveball.


(The homeless guy with a chip on his shoulder groans and walks away. Cut to Fiona sitting in front of the TV, watching the second debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump)


DONALD TRUMP: She got caught in a total lie. Her papers went out to all her friends at the banks, Goldman Sachs and everybody else, and she said things, WikiLeaks, that just, came out. And, she lied. Now she’s blaming, the lie, on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. (Laughter) That’s one that I haven’t heard. Okay, Honest Abe. Honest Abe never lied, that’s the good thing, that’s the big difference between Abraham Lincoln, (Trump points at Hillary) and you.


FIONA: How could the person who just got exposed a rape-bragger be winning this debate?


(Ethan comes into the apartment)


ETHAN: How much did I miss?


FIONA: A little bit. You missed Hillary’s answer on the WikiLeaks about her Wall Street speeches. She answered the question by, I guess, reviewing the movie Lincoln?


ETHAN: Did she think it was good?


FIONA: Yes, it was to her liking.




FIONA: You also missed the part where Trump threatened to throw Hillary in jail if he won-


ETHAN: What?!


FIONA: And then Donald kind of weirdly loomed behind her as she was answering a question about healthcare.


ETHAN: Wait, go back to the part with the throwing in jail-


FIONA: Donald was like, slightly humping the back of his chair at one point, it was weird. But less weird when you listen to those tapes, because apparently he thinks taking a woman furniture shopping is “making a move”.


ETHAN: He threatened to throw Hillary in prison!? That’s a total threat to democracy, you can’t just throw your political opponents in prison!


FIONA: But he’s not gonna be President, so don’t worry about it. We won’t have to worry about that again until three and a half years from now when there’s another Trump- (Fiona dry heaves) oh God.


ETHAN: Are you okay?


FIONA: Yeah. Good job at your debate earlier tonight, by the way.


ETHAN: Thanks. I think Deters is doomed.


FIONA: Well, I can’t wait to be the First Lady of Hansbay.


(Fiona smiles and kisses Ethan)


ETHAN: Right. About that.


(Cut to black)



Submitted: October 14, 2016

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