The Donahues Episode 259

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan, Fiona and Anella's agreement puts them in an awkward position come Christmas time, and Ryan gets bad news which ruins his already miserable Christmas.

Submitted: December 24, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 24, 2016









“I’m rollin’ down with Rodeo with a shotgun, these people ain’t seen a brown-skinned man since their grandparents bought one”

  • Tom Morello


(We start with a shot of the sliding glass door of Ethan’s apartment. It shows heavy snowfall outside. We gradually zoom out to show Ethan sitting in front of his TV with a glass of egg nog. He’s watching “Home Alone: Lost In New York”)


ETHAN: Finally, an escape from all the Trump news. Just a nice Christmas movie.


(The TV is showing the scene where Kevin walks through the Great Plaza Hotel in New York City. Donald Trump walks by, and Kevin turns to him)


KEVIN: Excuse me, where’s the lobby?


DONALD TRUMP: Down the hall, and to the left.


KEVIN: Thanks.


(Cut back to Ethan)


ETHAN: Goddamnit.


(Ethan turns off the TV. Anella comes out of the bedroom wearing an “I Stand With Standing Rock” T-shirt and Pajamas)


ANELLA: Come to bed, Ethan.


ETHAN: I’m trying to enjoy the Christmas season.


ANELLA: I know, but it’s late. And we need to go sleep before the old man upstairs does his midnight dancing thing.


ETHAN: That always wakes me up anyway, so why don’t we just stay up?


(Anella sighs)


ANELLA: I guess.


(Anella walks over and sits next to Ethan, and leans on his shoulder)


ETHAN: There you go. Just two people enjoying the most wonderful time of the year.


ANELLA: Fiona won’t leave us alone.


ETHAN: It’s her right, it’s in the contract.


ANELLA: She can’t let us have Christmas!?


ETHAN: I don’t know if you noticed last time we had a threesome, but she’s kind of a pleasure monster.



ETHAN: She’s kind of a monster in general, actually. Did you know she stabbed her boyfriend after he cheated on her? Three years after it happened?


ANELLA: You’re kind of fucked, no?


ETHAN: No, I’ll have security once I’m a city councilman.


ANELLA: I don’t think you will….


ETHAN: Really?


ANELLA: Yeah, City Councilman is like a part-time job.


ETHAN: …Well, shit. I better tell Satch to get on that.


(Someone knocks on the door)


ANELLA: (Whispering) Shit. Is that her?

ETHAN: Just relax. I’m sure it’s just someone else who trekked to our apartment during a snowstorm.


(Ethan gets up and walks over to the door and opens it to see Fiona wearing a heavy overcoat)


ETHAN: Hi, Fiona.


FIONA: Can I come in? It’s SUPER COLD out there!

ETHAN: Shit. Yes, you may.


(Fiona comes in)


FIONA: Sorry I had to stop by, my engine froze, and so I figured I’d come here since I was close by.


ANELLA: Oh, good, we’ll call triple A.


FIONA: There’s no Triple A in this weather, right?


ETHAN: I don’t-


FIONA: Your bodies could keep me warm in this weather, you know.


ANELLA: Fiona, we’re tired. I’ve already had my chamomile tea and I have something queued up on Netflix.


ETHAN: Why can’t people your age just fall asleep without distractions?


ANELLA: Because trying to fall asleep is super boring.


ETHAN: That’s the point!

FIONA: I seem to remember our contract didn’t say anything about whether we “felt like it” or not.


ETHAN: Did the consent clause not cover that?


FIONA: You know what I mean!


ANELLA: No, I actually don’t.

ETHAN: Come on, Fiona, what is this all about? It’s late.


(Fiona sighs)


FIONA: …It’s Christmas time, and I’m alone. I don’t want to be lonely during Christmas time.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: That’s heavy.


(Ethan walks over to his bar and pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pours himself a drink. He puts the bottle back)


ANELLA: Ugh. My stubborn liberal empathy is coming out again. Fucking fine. But let’s ease into the sex, alright? Just sit down.


(Fiona nods and sits down on the couch. Ethan serves Fiona a drink, sips his drink and then points at Anella)

ETHAN: Do you want one?


ANELLA: Are you sure we should get drunk before we have an orgy?


ETHAN: Sorry, do people have sober orgies?


FIONA: I don’t think so, but maybe, I’m trying to think if I know of any….AH! My Glee Club from High School. We did that.


(Cut to Ryan sitting in his living room. There is a Christmas Tree behind him. There are four stockings hung over the fireplace, a black one with Ryan’s name, one with Madeline’s name, a camouflage one with Jacob’s name, and one with the British Flag design on it with Luke’s name on it. Kimberly is watching CNN)


KIMBERLY: I can’t believe this. President-elect Trump is putting all his donors and his cronies in his cabinet! Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State? Steve Mnuchin for Treasury?! Scott Pruitt to head the EPA?! He’s not draining the swamp at all!

(Luke comes in holding a mug of cocoa)


LUKE: Honestly, it’s refreshing. He’s cutting out the middle man and just putting corporations directly in charge of our government. No more “cloak and dagger” like with Obama. Say hello to Secretary of State Exxon Mobil and Secretary of Treasury Goldman Sachs. Maybe a jar of High-Fructose Corn Syrup will be the head of the FDA.


KIMBERLY: But then there’s these completely unqualified people, like Ben Carson for HUD and Rick Perry for Energy?! Perry literally couldn’t even remember the Department of Energy!


LUKE: You can’t blame him for that, though, he wanted to get rid of it.


KIMBERLY: That’s another thing, half of these appointments are like putting arsonists in charge of the Fire Department! Besty DeVos wants to get rid of public education and yet she’ll be in charge of the Department of Education!


LUKE: To me, it’s more like putting a fire in charge of a wooden shed.


KIMBERLY: And how is an incompetent buffoon like Trump going to deal with international crises he doesn’t even begin to understand? They’re saying the assassination of that Russian ambassador is like the event that set off World War I.


LUKE: The cinematography on that assassination was impeccable, by the way. The way those black suits contrasted with the white background really made this feel more like a movie instead of a waking nightmare.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Can we talk about something else?


KIMBERLY: Sorry, honey. These are just, very surreal times. How were Finals?


RYAN: They were fine. I got four As and one B this semester.


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, honey, that’s incredible! Come here! (Ryan stands up and goes over to hug Kimberly) Proud of you.


RYAN: Thanks.


(Ryan lets go of Kimberly and shakes Luke’s hand)


LUKE: Bloody brilliant, chap.


RYAN: You’re overdoing it.


LUKE: Okay.


(Ryan goes back to his seat)


KIMBERLY: Why aren’t you more excited, hon?


RYAN: Because everything is still shit. (Ryan gets a call on his phone) Hold on. (Ryan picks up his phone and runs upstairs to take the call) Hello?


MICHAEL: (On the phone) Hey.


RYAN: Hey Michael, what’s up?


MICHAEL: Nothin’ too much, man. You called earlier?


RYAN: Yeah, I was just wondering if we were all gonna get together now that winter break has started. Does tonight work for you?


MICHAEL: Uhhh, I gotta, I work as an Uber driver now. So I’m busy.


RYAN: Oh. What about tomorrow?


MICHAEL: I’m Ubering all weekend, my man. I basically live in this Uber now. Scratch that, I literally do.


RYAN: …Well, can I come over to your Uber home then?


MICHAEL: Ehhh, I really gotta concentrate, sorry, dude.


RYAN: …Alright. Well…let me know when you’re-


MICHAEL: Got a drunk fourteen-year old to pick up. Talk to you later.


(Michael hangs up. Ryan lowers his arm and angrily throws the phone on the ground. Cut to the streets of New York City, late at night. A young woman runs down fire escape stairs, on a cell phone, wearing a man’s jacket. She looks scared)


WOMAN: Hello!? 911?! Yes, I have a guy here in this apartment, and he won’t-he won’t respond- I-I-I don’t know if he’s breathing! Please come help! I’m on Baltic Street, right next to Cobble Hill Mini Mart, please come quick, I’m freaking out!

(Cut to police and paramedics wheeling a body covered in a white sheet out of an apartment. There is a girl and a guy standing aside, weeping. Cut to Ryan lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He sighs and opens up his laptop. Cut to two NYPD detectives, talking at their desks. One detective takes out a baggie marked “evidence” that has a wallet and keys in it)


DETECTIVE: We found this on his person.


DETECTIVE 2: Find anything in the wallet?


(The detective puts on a glove and reaches into the baggie. He pulls out the wallet and opens it up)


DETECTIVE: He doesn’t seem to have a driver’s license, McCarr.


DETECTIVE MCCARR: Really? Then what does he have in there, Markey?


(Markey starts feeling around the wallet)


DETECTIVE MARKEY: He has a few dollars, a Starbucks gift card and- (Markey pulls out a business card reading “DEPRAVED HALLWAY FERN- Shitty Band From Nowhere- Contact Info: Ryan: 802-214-0908”. There is also an illustration of dead rabbit corpses) this business card- I think? There’s a number here. Maybe his name is Ryan. Do you have his cell phone?


(Detective McCarr takes out a cell phone in a baggie)


DETECTIVE MCCARR: Yeah, but there’s a code. Call it, see if it rings.


(Markey takes out his cell phone and calls the number on the back of the card)


DETECTIVE MARKEY: Is it ringing?


DETECTIVE MCCARR: No, it’s not this one.


(Cut to Ryan looking at his laptop, on his bed. He reaches towards his zipper, unzips it, unbuttons his pants, but then, gets a cell phone call. He reaches for his phone and sees the number “718-941-7111”. He is confused)


RYAN: New York City? (Ryan answers the phone) Hello?


DETECTIVE MARKEY: Hi, is this Ryan?


RYAN: This is.


DETECTIVE MARKEY: This is Detective Markey from the New York City police department.


RYAN: Okay. I didn’t do anything to that deflated balloon after the Macy’s Day Parade in 2004, okay?!


DETECTIVE MARKEY: I’m not here to discuss that. I found your number on a business card in the wallet of a deceased individual found in an apartment on Baltic Street.


(Ryan gets off the bed, and stands up)


RYAN: …Really?


DETECTIVE MARKEY: Yes, the card says “Depraved Hallway Fern”.


RYAN: Jesus…I hope it was just some worthless groupie I gave it to. Please tell me it was that.


DETECTIVE MARKEY: The deceased is a blonde male, roughly twenty years old, he has like, Macklemore hair, sort of?


RYAN: Oh, no. (Ryan sits on his bed and starts tearing up) That’s Chance.


DETECTIVE MARKEY: What’s his name?


RYAN: Chance McMiller. He’s the drummer in my band. (Ryan closes his eyes) What the hell happened?


DETECTIVE MARKEY: We don’t know. Do you know how we can contact his next of kin?


(Ryan wipes away his tears)


RYAN: Uh, uh, he has an Uncle Winslow-no never mind, his uncle was murdered by the Chinese, just check Facebook- I, I should go.


(Ryan hangs up and starts bawling on his bed. Cut to Ryan walking downstairs to see Kimberly, Luke and Madeline standing in the foyer)



(Madeline hugs Ryan)


RYAN: Hey.


(Madeline lets go of Ryan)


MADELINE: It’s been too long.


RYAN: Yeah.


MADELINE: You okay?


RYAN: Yeah.


LUKE: Well, I’m convinced.


KIMBERLY: I’m glad we have most of the family here for Christmas. And maybe Jacob can Skype in from Kabul.


MADELINE: Are we having Christmas with dad the day after Christmas or on Christmas evening?


KIMBERLY: I spoke with your father, he said the day after. He also said you should bring “earmuffs to put on just in case you get bored”. I don’t know what the hell that means though.


(Madeline squints. Madeline turns to Ryan)


MADELINE: What are you doing tonight, Ryan?


RYAN: Oh. I don’t know. I was gonna go out with friends.


MADELINE: Cool! Because I will too. I have some friends from High School I need to catch up with. Can you believe it’s been two years since Kyle died?


RYAN: …No, I can’t really believe anything anymore.


MADELINE: Yeah. Anyway, we should hang out tomorrow.


RYAN: For sure.


(Madeline smiles)


MADELINE: I’m gonna eat mom’s food.


(Madeline walks over to the kitchen. Ryan closes his eyes an drifts towards the door. He opens it, and closes it behind him. Kimberly and Luke look at one another and shrug. Cut to Ryan in a rowdy night club, filled with people wearing neon glow sticks, dancing their asses off. Ryan looks numb. He walks over to a group of people sitting at a table in the corner of the night club. A few of them are smoking cigarettes. There are lines of cocaine on the table, and credit cards sitting nearby)


CLUBGOER: Who’s this one here?

(Ryan sits down next to them)


RYAN: Here’s what I can contribute.


(Ryan takes out a baggie of cocaine and sets it on the table)


CLUBGOER: …You think you can just buy the group because of that little bag of flour? Push it over here, bitch.


(Ryan pushes it over to the clubgoer as he lights his cigarette. He picks it up and undoes it. He gets some on his finger and taste tests it)


CLUBGOER 2: Is it good, Rodney?


RODNEY: It’s about as good as you’ll get from this twink.


RYAN: I’m pretty sure you’re much twinkier than I am.


RODNEY: Oh, that’s right, you’re a sad boy.


RYAN: I’m just some dude looking to get high. I don’t even care if you know my name.


RODNEY: Good. Because I don’t care what your name is. (Rodney slides the cocaine back to Ryan) You can use ours if we can use that.


(Rodney takes a drag)


RYAN: Thanks.


(Ryan straightens out a line of coke and snorts it. He sits up, and starts sniffing a bunch while blinking profusely)


RODNEY: Do you not do coke that much, newbie?


RYAN: No, I don’t. I’m usually an ecstasy person.


(Rodney takes a drag of his cigarette)


RODNEY: That’s adorable. (Rodney does a line) You should’ve bought Fisher Price brand cocaine.


RYAN: Didn’t their cartel get shut down last year?


CLUBGOER 2: Yeah, I think it did.


RODNEY: No, they just got bought out by the conglomerate Mexican Cartel Incorporated.


CLUBGOER 2: Oh, okay.


(The clubgoer pulls out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. He offers Ryan one)


RYAN: I’m good. Or-actually, what difference does it make at this point?


(Ryan accept a cigarette from clubgoer 2. He puts it in his mouth, and the clubgoer lights it for him. Ryan inhales and exhales the smoke)


RODNEY: WOO! (Rodney slams the table) GODDAMN! I LOVE TOO MUCH COCAINE! (Rodney puts out his cigarette and stands up) I’m gonna go dance, who wants to come with? Are you feeling it, sad boy?


RYAN: Not really, not yet.


RODNEY: It should hit right away.


(Rodney sniffs)


RYAN: It should, but I’m on a downer too. It’s called life.


RODNEY: Come on, get the fuck up!

(Rodney pulls Ryan up, steps over clubgoer 2 and walks to the dance floor with him. “Dance Yrself Clean” by LCD Soundsystem begins playing as we see Ryan and Rodney jump up and down on the dance floor. Then we cut to a shirtless Ryan being crowd-surfed while smoking a cigarette. We pan down to see another person being crowd-surfed is giving Ryan fellatio. Cut to Rodney taking a piss in the bathroom, while nearby, Ryan cutting a line of cocaine on the bathroom counter. Ryan snorts the line, and bangs the bathroom counter with his fist. Rodney finishes pissing, and then goes “woo” and punches the mirror with his fist, cracking it. He then walks out of the bathroom. Ryan is unfazed, and just follows him. Cut to Ryan purchasing a pack of Marlboro Golds from the cigarette vending machine in the club. The machine vends the pack, Ryan grabs it, pulls out a cigarette, puts it in his mouth, and lights it, as he walks away. Cut to Ryan jumping up and down with a bunch of other people in the club. Cut to Ryan sitting in the corner of the club, smoking a cigarette. Rodney is sitting next to him, holding a bottle of whiskey. He takes a swig of the whiskey. He then hands it to Ryan. Ryan starts chugging it, and people start chanting. He drinks half of it, and puts the bottle down as people cheer. The song ends)


RODNEY: Someone’s going hard.


RYAN: I just wish someone had X-RAY vision so they could see my liver right now, because I want people to know that I’m as hardcore as I fucking claim, because my liver will show it, where is-there was this guy earlier who had cool-ass sunglasses and I’m 80% sure he has X-RAY vision-


RODNEY: Shh, sad boy, you’re coke-talking.


RYAN: Sorry, stop me next time I do that, I don’t want to freak people out too much-


RODNEY: You’re still doing it.


RYAN: Sorry.


(Ashton walks in, wearing a tank top, festooned with glow rings and sticks. Rodney perks up)


RODNEY: Who’s this?


(Rodney gets up and walks towards him)


RYAN: That’s my- oh, he’s gone. (Ryan sighs. He stands up and falls over onto the floor. A bunch of people rush by, almost trampling Ryan) HEY! SOMEONE’S DOWN HERE!

(Someone picks Ryan up)


SOMEONE: Are you okay?


RYAN: Yeah, I just lost my fuckin’ balance- let me go.


(Ryan breaks free from that stranger and stumbles over to a man in a Grimace costume with a giant dildo attached to his crotch)


GRIMACE: Hello, young boy!


RYAN: I’m twenty-one, who are you, Mr. Grimace?


GRIMACE: Of course, I can! I can help any little boy who gets inside me.


RYAN: I’m very sad, Mr. Grimace. My life, and the world, seems to be falling apart. Everything I cling onto leaves me.


GRIMACE: I’ll never leave you. Get inside me.


(Ryan looks down to see an entrance at the bottom of the costume that has room for one more)


RYAN: …I guess if there’s room.


(Ryan takes a drag of his cigarette and puts it out on the floor. Ryan puts his body up the bottom of the costume and we see Ryan inside the costume’s head. The other guy in there with Ryan is an unshaven, middle-aged, disheveled, one-eyed man, who starts making out with Ryan. Ryan looks bored while he’s doing it)


ONE-EYED MAN: Hmmm- (between kisses) Grimace’ll take care of ya- (goes back to kissing for a bit) make all those worries go away.


(The man continues kissing Ryan)


RYAN: This was cool, bye.


(Ryan pulls himself out of the suit, much to the one-eyed man’s dismay)




(Cut to Ryan stumbling drunk across the dance floor. Ryan stumbles into the bathroom. He sees Rodney unzipping Ashton’s pants)


RYAN: …Fuck is this?


RODNEY: Ryan, do you mind?


ASHTON: What’s up, Ry-Ry?


RYAN: You shouldn’t be here, Ashton.


(Ashton takes a swig of a beer)




RYAN: You’re not even gay.


ASHTON: I’m too drunk to care right now.


RODNEY: Ryan, what are you doing?


RYAN: Get away from him, Ashton.


RODNEY: Ryan, this is none of your business.






(Ryan rushes towards Ashton and grabs him by the collar. Rodney backs away)




(Rodney’s beer bottle falls to the floor, as Ryan and Rodney tussle to the floor)






(Ryan punches Ashton in the face, Ashton punches back, and they roll around on the floor, tussling, for a bit)



(Grimace comes in, but then sees what’s going on)


GRIMACE: Fuck this.


(Grimace leaves. Ashton starts punching Ryan in the face a bunch. Ryan sees the beer bottle from earlier within in his reach. Ryan reaches for it, hard, and finally grabs it, and bangs it against Ashton’s head, knocking him out. Ryan gets up as Ashton lies there with his head bleeding)




(Rodney gets down to check Ashton’s pulse)


RYAN: Come on, he’s not dead…right?


RODNEY: I don’t know. He has a pulse.


RYAN: Come on, tell me he’s okay.



(Ryan runs over and grabs paper towels from the dispenser, and hands them to Rodney. Rodney puts the paper towels over his head wound)


ASHTON: Urrgghhh…


RYAN: So he’s alive, good.


RODNEY: You need to get the fuck out of here before he realizes who did this to him.


(Ryan runs out of the bathroom. Cut to Ryan sitting down at one of the tables in the club. He looks to his left to see Grimace, from earlier, only this time, he’s wearing a Santa hat and he’s draped in Christmas lights)


GRIMACE: I feel like I was short-changed.


(Ryan turns to Grimace and furrows his brow. Ryan takes out his phone)


RYAN: My phone died…at some point. Can you tell me what day it is? (Grimace pulls out his phone and shows him. The phone reads “12:14 PM SUN DEC 25 2016”) …The fuck!? It’s Christmas Day?!


GRIMACE: Yeah. (Grimace puts his phone up) And I need my stocking stuffed. Preferably with a Swiss Army Knife.


RYAN: Jesus, I’ve been here for three days. I need to get to my family-


GRIMACE: Can you please end my life? Please?


(Ryan gets up and stumbles away. Cut to Madeline, Kimberly and Luke sitting in the living room. Kimberly is on the phone)


KIMBERLY: Goddamnit, where is he?!


MADELINE: As if this year couldn’t get any worse, now Ryan is missing.


(Kimberly hangs up)


KIMBERLY: I can’t believe him. How could he miss Christmas?!


LUKE: The police are on the look-out for him. We can only hope now.


(Cut to Ryan getting in his car. Ryan plugs his phone into his car charger. His phone turns on. Ryan sees he has numerous missed calls from Kimberly, Madeline, Luke, Ethan, Michael and Oleander)


RYAN: Shit. (Ryan sighs, and sheds a tear) Here goes.


(Ryan calls Michael. Michael answers)


MICHAEL: (On the phone) Ryan, where have you been?! I’ve been calling you for three days!


RYAN: I know.


MICHAEL: Did you hear about Chance?


(Ryan sniffs)


RYAN: Yeah.


(Ryan sheds more tears)

MICHAEL: I just can’t believe it. They’re still not releasing the cause of death.


RYAN: …He was a great guy…do you think they’ll bury him in the family plot, near his Uncle Winslow?


MICHAEL: …I don’t think that’s what he would’ve wanted.


(Ryan sniffs)


RYAN: You’re right.


MICHAEL: …Where the hell have you been these last couple of days?


RYAN: …I’ve been dealing with this grief, in, my own, self-destructive way.


MICHAEL: Oh, Ryan.


(Ryan takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. He lights it, takes a drag, and exhales)


RYAN: This year has broken me.


MICHAEL: I know, buddy. After Christmas, you, Oleander and I need to get together to memorialize Chance. And remember, his funeral is on Tuesday.


RYAN: …So now you want to spend time with me.




RYAN: I have to go to my mom’s for Christmas, I have to go.


(Ryan hangs up. He starts the car. A homeless guy wakes up in his backseat)




RYAN: Get the fuck outta here. (The homeless guy grunts and exits Ryan’s car as Ryan ashes his cigarette in his car’s ash tray. Cut to Ryan walking up to his front door. Ryan uses his key to unlock the door, and walks in) Hello?


(Kimberly, Luke and Madeline run over to the foyer)



(Kimberly hugs Ryan)




(Kimberly lets go of Ryan)


KIMBERLY: Where the hell have you been!? We’ve been killing ourselves over here worrying about you! Why are your eyes so red!?


MADELINE: Have you been abusing drugs and alcohol again? And why do you smell like David Lynch’s mouth?


RYAN: I’ve been…at a club. I lost track of time. I’m sorry.


LUKE: How did you lose track of three days going by?!


(Ryan sniffs)


RYAN: My bandmate, friend and frenemy, Chance McMiller, died. And I’ve taken it hard.


MADELINE: Chance died?


RYAN: Yeah.


KIMBERLY: Oh my God, honey, I’m so sorry.


(Kimberly hugs Ryan)


RYAN: Thanks.


(Kimberly lets go of Ryan)


KIMBERLY: Never do that again!


RYAN: Sorry. Merry Christmas everyone. Even though it’s by far the worst Christmas ever.


LUKE: No, that was the Christmas when my pop showed up drunk, dressed as Santa, and gave me a motorcycle he stole from my mum’s boyfriend.


RYAN: Shhh, no one cares.


(Cut to Ethan having sex with Fiona, while fingering Anella)


FIONA: Uhhhhh, yaaassss!!!!


ANELLA: Could you, could you be quieter, Fiona?


FIONA: I like to enjoy myself audibly, is that a problem?


ETHAN: Both of you shut the fuck up. (The doorbell rings) Oh shit, who is that?


MADELINE: (Outside) Dad?


ETHAN: Damnit, why are Ryan and Madeline here?!


ANELLA: Probably because it’s Christmas.


ETHAN: But I thought we were having second divorced dad Christmas on the 26th, like the last two years.


FIONA: I guess not, but fuck ‘em, keep going.


ETHAN: No! (Ethan pulls out. The doorbell rings again) I’M COMING!

(Fiona sits on the bed and starts getting dressed, as does Anella)


FIONA: Obviously, you’re not.


ETHAN: Shhh.


ANELLA: How do we explain why Fiona is here?


(Ethan starts putting his pants on)


ETHAN: You can use the bedsheet to shimmy down the wall from the balcony.


FIONA: No! I’ll just stay.




FIONA: Because, it would be weirder if they saw me leave. And plus… (Fiona gives puppy dog eyes) I have nowhere to go for Christmas.


ANELLA: Oh, for fuck’s sake.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: Fine. But, behave yourself.


ANELLA: I once again ask, how are we going to explain this?


(The doorbell rings multiple times)


ETHAN: We don’t really have time to think it through. (Ethan puts his shirt on, Anella and Fiona finish getting dressed. They all walk over to the door and open it) Sorry, kids, I was in the shower.


RYAN: And what was Anella doing?


MADELINE: And Fiona, apparently?


ETHAN: They were- they were really enamored with this A&E documentary about dino-beasts. They were like dinosaurs, but…well, they were dinosaurs. Whatever, just come on in!


(Ryan and Madeline come in to see Ethan’s small Christmas tree in the corner of the apartment with presents sitting beneath it)


RYAN: Where’s Jesus, dad?


ETHAN: Pardon?


RYAN: He’s supposed to be on top of the tree, right? I mean, you’re still a Christian, correct?


ETHAN: Yes, but I don’t think anyone puts Jesus on top of their tree, usually it’s an angel.


RYAN: Well, you don’t even have that.


ETHAN: Why are you being like this?


RYAN: I don’t know, just ignore me.


MADELINE: No disrespect, but why are Fiona AND Anella here?


FIONA: I’m part of the family now-


ANELLA: (At the same time as Fiona) She’s a friend.


(Ethan sighs)


ETHAN: She’s a good friend, we left on good terms, it’s all good. Let’s just focus on Christmas!


(Ethan sits down)


RYAN: Let’s open shit then.


(Ethan takes a present and puts it on Ryan’s lap)


ETHAN: That’s for you, bud.


(Anella and Fiona sit down)


ANELLA: It’s from Ethan and I.


FIONA: And me.


(Anella shakes her head)


ETHAN: Credit doesn’t matter, just open it. (Ryan opens it and sees it’s a vinyl copy of Depraved Hallway Fern’s most recent album) Pull out the record. (Ryan pulls out the record, and it’s golden) You like it?


RYAN: Yeah.


(Ryan bursts into tears)


ETHAN: Oh, God. Are you okay?


MADELINE: His bandmate just died.


ETHAN: Jesus, I’m so sorry.


ANELLA: Yeah, I’m sorry to hear that.


FIONA: Sorry, Ryan.


(Ryan wipes his tears away)


RYAN: It’s okay. I love this.


(Ryan puts the record down, and stands up, spreading his arms. Ethan starts to get up, but Fiona goes over there and hugs Ryan first)


FIONA: You’re welcome buddy. And sorry again.


RYAN: …Thanks.


(Fiona lets go of Ryan and sits down. Ethan goes over and hugs Ryan)


ETHAN: I’m sorry about everything, Ryan.


RYAN: Don’t be.


(Ethan lets go and nods. He then goes over and sits down)


MADELINE: So sorry, Ryan.


(Madeline hugs Ryan)


RYAN: Thanks.


(Madeline lets go of Ryan)


ETHAN: Maddie? Going next?


MADELINE: Sure. (Madeline picks up a present with her name on it) Before I do this, though. I really need to know what’s going on with you three.


ETHAN: There’s nothing-


FIONA: Your father, Anella and I have an arrangement.


ETHAN: Oh God.


(Cut to black)





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