“THE PATH INERRUPTED”
“Fate is not the future in store. What is happening will be fate. Fate is not a predetermined one. Fate is not causes but effects.”
- Shanmugam Chettiar
(We start with Jacob in the game room watching television. Ryan comes in with his laptop)
RYAN: Hey, what are you doing?
JACOB: Well, DirecTV isn’t letting me watch MTV, Comedy Central or Nickelodeon because of some contract dispute, so in lieu of watching Jersey Shore I’m watching a video of a guy jerking off on a salad.
JACOB: Because it’s equally as intelligent and makes as much sense as Jersey Shore.
RYAN: Why don’t you just read a book or something?
JACOB: Because books are for people who read books.
RYAN: I guess…and I’m assuming you don’t read books?
RYAN: Great. So, let me show you this video.
(Jacob turns off the television and Ryan sits next to him)
JACOB: Wow, too close.
(Ryan scoots over somewhat and shows him the video. It’s a YouTube video of a puppy chewing on an XBOX while people in the background laugh)
JACOB: Wow. They just let the dog chew on that XBOX?
RYAN: Yeah, and the XBOX worked perfectly before the dog chewed on it.
JACOB: Was that worth it?
RYAN: Well, they made money in a YouTube partnership.
JACOB: A what?
RYAN: A YouTube partnership, if you upload a video that enough people like or it goes widespread like this one, you can have YouTube pay you money to upload videos.
RYAN: Yeah, but the payment’s usually very small.
JACOB: Very small my ass, it’s huge!
RYAN: You just found out about it, how would you know? (Jacob walks away) And now you’re walking away, this is just great. (Ryan closes his laptop) What is on TV?
(Ryan turns on the television and the local news is on)
PATRICK WHITE: Hello, and welcome to Hansbay Actions News at six. Action. Pressure mounts for Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney to release more of his tax returns. The Presidential candidate has so far refused, but has however released his birth records, revealing that he was in fact born in a Faberge egg. In other news, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid head butted Julia Louis Dreyfus today.
(Kimberly comes in)
KIMBERLY: Ryan, your father and I were just talking, and we concluded that it would be beneficial if you got an internship somewhere, just for the rest of the summer.
RYAN: An internship? Jesus, I already work at Hot Topic.
KIMBERLY: Isn’t it awkward with your girlfriend as your boss?
RYAN: Yeah, it does kind of make her the one wearing the tight pants in the relationship.
KIMBERLY: You’re both wearing tight pants.
RYAN: Whatever, the point is, maybe I should resign. But where would I get an internship?
PATRICK WHITE: Thank you, Sharon. That minute and thirty seconds was the most informative thing I’ve ever half-listened to. Anyway, we’d like to remind our viewer that internships are now available for anybody interested. And that means everybody interested.
KIMBERLY: Well, there’s something!
RYAN: That was really crazy, let me try something. Man, I want a puppy so badly.
PATRICK WHITE: By the way, I have free puppies in a shoebox in my garage if anybody wants them. Seventy-five bucks each.
RYAN: I want a sandwich.
PATRICK WHITE: Anybody who wants a sandwich can come to my office, it’s just there. Does it tease you? Does it tempt you? Does it taunt you? Come and get it. It has a side of chips.
RYAN: I want a free iPhone.
PATRICK WHITE: Anyone who wants a free iPhone can shove it.
RYAN: Wow, okay, didn’t work out too well that time.
KIMBERLY: I’m kind of amazed at what just happened.
RYAN: Anyway, yeah, I’ll go sign up for an internship and tender my resignation at Hot Topic.
(Cut to Jacob writing on a piece of paper at a counter in the kitchen. The radio is on)
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That was another Li’l Wayne song talking about how much money he has. I really do wonder why his music is liked by so many poor people. Anyway, comin’ up next is “Rack City” by Tyga!
TYGA: Rack city bitch, rack, rack city, bitch. Rack city, bitch. Rack, rack city bitch. Ten, ten, ten twenties and a fifties bitch.
(Cut to Madeline’s room. Madeline is on the ground, staring at the ceiling when Jacob comes in)
JACOB: Hey, Madeline.
(Madeline props herself up)
MADELINE: Jacob, don’t just barge in here.
JACOB: Your door was open!
JACOB: Were you staring at the ceiling?
MADELINE: What do you want?
JACOB: Well, (Jacob sits on Madeline’s bed and Madeline sits adjacent to him) I have an idea that will make us both rich.
MADELINE: What’s that?
JACOB: We should make a viral video together.
MADELINE: Jesus, Jacob, do you realize every time someone tries to make a viral video, it never becomes viral?
JACOB: You’re on drugs; we’re going to become YouTube sensations! CNN will mention us during their “viral video” segments that they choose to have in lieu of a “slaughter in Syria” segment, we’ll be rich!
JACOB: We could get a YouTube partnership!
MADELINE: They hand out YouTube partnerships like bonuses at AIG, there’s nothing special about them. All you have to do is mouth breath for ten minutes about some video game and you get ten cents in the mail!
JACOB: Well, I have a good idea though.
MADELINE: What is your idea?
JACOB: Well, you know that shitty rap song “Rack City”?
MADELINE: Of course.
JACOB: Well, he says “Rack city bitch, rack, rack city, bitch. Rack city, bitch. Rack, rack city bitch. Ten, ten, ten twenties and a fifties bitch.” So, how about we do a music video for that song and we have one woman born in the 1910s, one woman born in the 1920s and one woman born in the 1950s doing back up dancing?
MADELINE: …Whoa. That’s actually a pretty good idea.
JACOB: Yeah! It’s going to go widespread!
MADELINE: Okay, sure. Let’s do it.
JACOB: Great. Now, where do we get women that old?
MADELINE: There’s that retirement home downtown.
JACOB: That’s right! Let’s go steal some of those old whores.
MADELINE: Wow, we’re not stealing anyone.
JACOB: We’ll see.
MADELINE: We won’t see, we’re not stealing old ladies.
JACOB: Alright then.
MADELINE: By the way, do you think we can get Tyga to do the parody? He can’t be too proud of a song so essentially meaningless that he won’t make fun of it!
JACOB: No, there’s no way we’re getting Tyga. But, I do have someone better.
JACOB: T-Pain’s Welsh half-brother!
MADELINE: How is he better?
JACOB: I don’t know, but he’s the man we’re using.
MADELINE: So, T-Pain’s dad divorced his wife and married a welsh woman, had sex with her and made him?
JACOB: Actually, his mom had sex with a Welsh man.
JACOB: Anyway, let me call him up.
(Jacob picks up the phone and starts dialing)
MADELINE: I’m going to go look up the address of the retirement homes.
JACOB: I’M ON THE PHONE!
MADELINE: Yeah, but the person hasn’t answered yet.
JACOB: CAN’T YOU SEE I’M ON THE GODDAMN PHONE?!
MADELINE: Yeah, I see that but-
JACOB: I’M ON A VERY IMPORTANT TELEPHONE CALL! Wait-hello? Shit. T-Pain’s Welsh half-brother hung up like three minutes ago.
MADELINE: You weren’t on the phone for three minutes.
JACOB: I’ll call him again.
(Madeline rolls her eyes, walks away while Jacob dials again. Cut to Kimberly at an HOA meeting. Evan comes in and bangs the gavel while Ellen sits with her smaller than ever coalition, dejected)
EVAN: The council will come to order. Pursuant to rule 21 Jump Street of HOA Charter section R2D2 paragraph lucky number sleven, Kimberly Donahue’s coalition having attained the number of members required to take control of the Home Owner’s Association of Cypress Creek Estates, Hansbay, Vermont, United States, the current President of the Home Owner’s Association of Cypress Creek Estates, Hansbay, Vermont, United States will relinquish control to the President-appointee, Kimberly Donahue. Mrs. Donahue?
(Kimberly Donahue makes her way to the President’s desk and shakes his hand and poses for a photograph. Then, Detective Zimmerman comes into the room to watch her be sworn in, which Kimberly notices. Evan holds the HOA charter and has Kimberly put her hand on it)
EVAN: Raise your right hand. (Kimberly raises her right hand) Do you Kimberly Donahue, swear to uphold the rules and regulations of the Homeowner’s Association of Cypress Creek, Hansbay, Vermont, United States, and to the best of your ability harass, brown nose, judge and pretend you have much more power than you actually do, so help you God?
KIMBERLY: I do.
EVAN: Congratulations, Madame President.
(Kimberly’s coalition and Zimmerman erupt in applause while Ellen’s coalition begrudgingly claps. Kimberly takes her seat and pounds the gavel)
KIMBERLY: The council will please come to order. The chair will now make a statement. Since I was a little girl growing up in Boston, I knew I would one day be in control of something. It didn’t matter whether I was President, Governor, Mayor or Chieftain of a Klan on World of Warcraft; I just knew I would one day really count for something. Although I supposed it would matter if I was President of the United States. My earliest memory was of Apollo 15 landing on the moon. It was July 1971. I had just turned four. My dad sat down and soaked up the glory of America’s great mission to space. For a few seconds before he changed the channel to All in the Family. The point is, I knew I was going to go somewhere. I just didn’t know I would be making a difference in such a localized area. But Barack Obama started off as nothing but a son of a poor couple in Hawaii, Bill Clinton was born nothing but the son of a traveling salesman and our possible next President, Mitt Romney as nothing but the rich son of a rich man. I could be President someday is what I’m saying. I have the humble beginnings. I grew up the daughter of a muffin farmer and the granddaughter of the guy who helped Franklin Roosevelt go to the bathroom. That is why I leave you with this quote from Daniel Webster. “Curtail is to cut short; cut off a part of; abridge; reduce; diminish.” Thank you.
(Everybody claps. Cut to Ryan walking into Hot Topic to see Michelle at the checkout carving something into the counter. She looks up to see Ryan)
MICHELLE: Jesus, you’re four hours late!
RYAN: Yeah, traffic was a bitch. But even if it wasn’t I would’ve been like three and a half hours late anyway.
RYAN: Anyway, Michelle I have to tell you something.
(Dean comes out of the back room)
DEAN: Hey, we’re out of pre-torn shirts.
MICHELLE: No, there’s a box in the dressing room where that kid OD’d a few minutes ago.
DEAN: Oh, okay. Have we called the coroner yet?
MICHELLE: Yeah, I just did.
RYAN: Jesus Christ.
MICHELLE: Yeah, it’s a tragedy, maybe it was better that you were late.
RYAN: Yeah, that’s awful. Wait, we have pre-torn shirts now?
MICHELLE: Yeah, actually.
(Dean comes back in with the box)
DEAN: Hey, where are the pre-torn bracelets?
RYAN: Are you serious?
RYAN: Do those even stay on your wrist?
MICHELLE: No. Anyway, what do you want to tell me?
RYAN: As of today, July 19, 2012, I, Ryan Donahue am officially resigning my post as Senior Vice President of Sales at the Hot Topic store of the Hansbay Mall.
MICHELLE: That’s not your title, and why are you leaving?
RYAN: I’m pursuing an internship at the Hansbay Actions News.
MICHELLE: Oh. Well, that’s constructive, why?
RYAN: It looks good on a college application.
MICHELLE: You want to be a journalist?
RYAN: Fuck no, it just looks good on a college application, it looks better than being black, even.
MICHELLE: That is pretty good. Well, good luck with that. I’ll miss seeing you here every day.
RYAN: Oh, Michelle, we’ll still see each other all the time. Whether it is my house, or yours.
MICHELLE: Not my house.
(Cut to Jacob and Madeline walking into the “You’re going to die here” retirement facility. They go up to the receptionist)
JACOB: My name is Jacob Donahue and this is my associate Madeline Donahue. We were wondering, do you have any women at this facility that were born in the 1910s?
RECEPTIONIST: One moment. Yes, we have a woman-
MADELINE: Wow, that was fast.
RECEPTIONSIT: Who was born on July 19, 1912 at 3:30 PM in Hansbay, Vermont.
(Jacob looks at his phone)
JACOB: Wow, that was one hundred years ago to the minute….oh, now it’s 3:31, it’s not one-hundred years ago anymore.
MADELINE: That’s not how that works.
JACOB: When was she put in a home?
RECEPTIONIST: One moment.
MADELINE: She’s not going to take a moment-
RECEPTIONIST: She was put here-
MADELINE: You didn’t even look at your computer.
RECEPTIONIST: She was put here on July 19, 1977 at 3:30 PM.
JACOB: Wow, on her 65th birthday? They couldn’t wait to get rid of her.
RECEPTIONSIT: Yep, we’re celebrating her 100th birthday and 35th anniversary of being cooped up in a soulless environment filled with disease and condescension.
MADELINE: Have any women born in the 1920s?
RECEPTIONIST: Yes, we have four. One born in 1922, one born in 1925, one born in 1927 and one born in 1929.
JACOB: Give us info on the one born in 1925.
RECEPTIONIST: She was Al Capone’s illegitimate daughter.
JACOB: We’ll take her!
RECPETIONIST: Excuse me?
JACOB: Have any bitches born in the 1950s?
RECEPTIONIST: I was born in the 1950s.
JACOB: What year?
RECEPTIONIST: 1954. But nobody born in the 1950s has attained the age of 65 yet and that’s our minimum age. You have to be at least born in 1947.
JACOB: Well, we’ll take the one-hundred year old and the 87 year old, please.
MADELINE: This isn’t a drive-thru!
RECEPTIONIST: Why do you need them?
JACOB: We’re making a viral video, okay? And we need funny dancing old ladies.
RECEPTIONIST: The 100 year old is in a wheelchair.
JACOB: Even better! Even funnier!
RECEPTIONIST: Listen, old person rentals are 50 dollars each.
MADELINE: Shit, where are we going to get 150 dollars?
RECEPTIONIST: You’re not renting me, so it’s only 100 dollars.
JACOB: We’ll make it 100 dollars for you.
MADELINE: Okay, we especially don’t have 200 dollars!
(T-Pain’s Welsh half-brother comes in. He is white with dreads and gangster clothing)
T-PAIN’S WELSH HALF-BROTHER: But I does.
(They turn around)
JACOB AND MADELINE: T-PAIN’S WELSH HALF-BROTHER!
T-PAIN’S WELSH HALF-BROTHER: I have a name. It’s Anhun Najm.
JACOB: A Welsh first name and an Arab last name. Huh.
ANHUM: Anyway, I’ll pay for y’alls old people.
RECEPTIONIST: Great! That’ll be 200 dollars.
(Anhun takes out his wallet and gives her 200 pounds)
RECEPTIONIST: What is this?
ANHUN: Damnit, I forgot to exchange my pounds for dollars.
JACOB: Pounds? I thought you were Welsh.
ANHUN: Wales is part of the United Kingdom.
JACOB: Oh. Well, is there any other way we can pay her?
ANHUN: Yes. With this 200 dollar bill.
(Anhun takes out an “American” 200 dollar bill with Bill Clinton’s face on it and hands it to her. She holds it up to the light and then slips it into her pocket)
RECEPTIONIST: We have ourselves a deal.
JACOB: YES. Anyway, we’re shooting it tomorrow so be at this address (Jacob hands her a slip of paper) by 1pm tomorrow.
JACOB: What’s your name by the way?
JACOB: Okay. Remember, bring the rest of the ancient bitches I requested.
NINA: Got it.
(Cut to Ethan looking at his computer in the kitchen drinking coffee, looking shocked. Kimberly comes in)
ETHAN: Did you hear about this?
KIMBERLY: I did. It’s awful.
ETHAN: Well, at least now we can have a vapid and hollow national conversation about gun control that will devolve into meaningless rhetoric and result in no action.
KIMBERLY: I’m looking forward to it. Anyway, today is my first full day as HOA President. Wish me luck!
ETHAN: Luck doing what? Banging a gavel? Conjuring power out of virtually nothing? Selectively enforcing charter provisions based on which housewife has been talking the most shit about you, or which of their children has been vandalizing the playground with depictions of phalluses?
KIMBERLY: …I guess?
ETHAN: Good luck.
KIMBERLY: Okay then.
(Kimberly walks away, disappointed. Cut to Ryan walking into the Hansbay Action News studio and greeting Matthew Chambliss)
RYAN: Hello, you must be Mr. Chambliss.
MATTHEW: I am.
RYAN: It’s nice to meet you.
(They shake hands, then stop)
MATTHEW: You as well. I’ve already had the pleasure of meeting your dad…uggh…
RYAN: Yeah. So what do I do here exactly?
MATTHEW: You get Mr. White coffee, bear claws and other things. In fact, MR. WHITE!
(Patrick White walks over there eating a bear claw)
MATTHEW: Patrick, meet Ryan Donahue. He is the Mayor’s Chief of Staff’s son.
PATRICK: Is he? Nice to meet you. Why do I care who this emo kid is just out of curiosity?
RYAN: You saw me at my dad’s Fourth of July party pretty extensively.
MATTHEW: He’s your new intern.
PATRICK: Oh, okay.
(They shake hands)
RYAN: Nice to meet you.
PATRICK: Now, get me a bear claw.
RYAN: You have a-
PATRICK WHITE: Get me another one!
(Patrick walks away)
MATTHEW: Don’t mind him. Follow me.
(Matthew takes him into an empty room)
MATTHEW: Because this is where the script for the Hansbay Actions News is written.
RYAN: It looks like this is just an empty room with nothing in it.
MATTHEW: Exactly. Budget constraints forced us to outsource the writing of our scripts to third and sometimes fourth world countries.
RYAN: What are fourth world countries?
MATTHEW: Countries that don’t exist anymore. We outsourced four of our May 2012 episodes to a Korean country called Goryeo, which hasn’t existed since 1392.
MATTHEW: We outsourced to Czechoslovakia, the Soviet Union and once Nazi Germany, which was a bad idea.
RYAN: I think even outsourcing it to India is a bad idea.
MATTHEW: Well, India is precisely where we outsourced today’s script. It should be arriving any second now.
(They wait for ten seconds before a bunch of Indian people dance in to the room to Indian music and hands Matthew the script, then dance out as the music fades away, leaving Ryan confused)
MATTHEW: That’s their UPS. Anyway, another part of your job besides the stuff I’ve already told you, like getting Patrick food, coffee, massaging his feet-
RYAN: Didn’t say that.
MATTHEW: And keeping his wife company while he’s working is-
RYAN: You didn’t say that!
MATTHEW: You also have to improvise a solution to a live on-air problem. If Patrick freezes up, or something goes wrong, you have to direct somebody to save the day.
RYAN: Shouldn’t that be the director’s job?
MATTHEW: We outsourced the job of the director to a guy in Ancient Greece.
MATTHEW: So unless we he can get that stone tablet to us fast enough, you’re going to have usurp some of his responsibilities.
(Cut to Kimberly at the helm of the HOA council)
KIMBERLY: Pursuant to clause 28 days later of HOA charter chapter catch 22 subsection sixteen candles, I hereby adjourn this council.
(Kimberly slams the gavel and people begin to disperse. She walks from her post and runs into Detective Zimmerman)
GEORGE: Please, it’s George.
KIMBERLY: Not in public, it isn’t. What are you doing here?
GEORGE: I came here to watch the proceedings of the HOA Council; it’s open to the public.
KIMBERLY: You know that’s not why you’re here.
GEORGE: Fine, maybe I wanted to see you.
KIMBERLY: You definitely wanted to see me.
GEORGE: Yes. Listen, I just want to be friends.
KIMBERLY: That’s fine.
GEORGE: Do you ever sometimes think we’re more than just friends, though?
KIMBERLY: We literally just become friends.
GEORGE: I know, I’m just really confused right now.
KIMBERLY: Listen, I’m married.
GEORGE: I know, but do you think Ethan can provide, love and care for you?
KIMBERLY: You don’t know him at all.
GEORGE: I know he’s corrupt. He covered up Mayor Sarandon’s prostitution scandal by blackmailing the local news, he bribed the vice chair of the city council to keep quiet when Sarandon drunkenly exposed himself to her, he’s not good.
KIMBERLY: …Wait, is all that true?
GEORGE: Yes. He wasted tax payer money on a boondoggle to the Cayman Islands with Sarandon and some other guy. Who knows what they did there.
KIMBERLY: How do you know all this?
GEORGE: I’m in Hansbay government just like your husband, I hear things.
KIMBERLY: It could be just hearsay.
GEORGE: No, if I wanted to share the hearsay I’d tell you that Ethan and Sarandon dressed up a hobo like Adam Sandler’s character from Jack and Jill and took turns beating him to the death down by the lake.
KIMBERLY: Jesus. Wait, was it Jack or Jill?
GEORGE: Consider my words. Confront your husband. But don’t tell him I told you these things. I can provide a better life for you. I have integrity.
(Kimberly looks at him for a few moments and then walks away. Cut to Jacob, Madeline, Ross, Beckett, Peter, Lilly, Anhun, the 100-year old in a wheelchair, the 87-year old and Nina in the garage with Anhun sitting on an apple crate with Ross operating the camera, Beckett and Peter standing near Anhun in black suits with badass sun glasses. Jacob and Madeline are sitting in director’s chairs while the 100-year old, the 87-year old and Nina are behind Anhun, Beckett and Peter)
JACOB: Okay, quiet on the set!
MADELINE: It is quiet.
JACOB: Rack city parody take one. Action.
(Madeline plays “Rack City” over her iHome. Anhun mouths to the lyrics while the old ladies dance behind him. The wheelchair bound one rolls around, and seems to be having a lot of fun)
100-YEAR OLD: I’VE GONE VIRAL!
JACOB: Did she just hear that word somewhere and think that it would make sense in this context?
MADELINE: I guess so.
87-YEAR OLD: When I was a little girl, I-
JACOB: Goddamnit! CUT!
(Madeline turns off the music and Jacob walks on set)
JACOB: The 87-year old started talking in the middle of the song.
ANHUN: Her name is Louise Schuler, okay?
JACOB: Schuler? I hardly know her!
ANHUN: Yeah, you just met her.
JACOB: What-no, that’s…nevermind.
ANHUN: I’ll never understand American humor.
MADELINE: Trust me Anhun, that joke was not even funny in American humor. How do you “schul” somebody?
JACOB: I don’t know, okay?! Just tell the old ladies to shut their yaps.
(Jacob walks back off set)
(Anhun mouths the lyrics once again while the old ladies dance. After a little while, the 100-year old starts talking)
100-YEAR OLD: When I was a little girl I met Calvin Coolidge’s father, and we used to play hoop and stick on the panama canal while drinking bootleg hooch and making fun of slanty-eyed Japanese.
MADELINE: Wow, if we put that on YouTube we’ll receive some letters.
JACOB: Yeah. ANHUN, WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE ONE TALKING?!
ANHUN: Her name’s Renee Coble.
JACOB: MS. COBLE, SWEETHEART, CAN YOU PLEASE NOT TALK WHEN THE SONG IS PLAYING?
RENEE: Poodle skirts and leisure suits were all the rage back when women couldn’t vote and being raped was flattering.
JACOB: Was that ever the case?
MADELINE: That’s not the point. The point is, be quiet on the set.
RENEE: Okay, Mr. Gorbachov.
(Cut to Ryan and Matthew standing by while the ten o’clock news begins with Fiona and Patrick. Matthew gives the countdown with his fingers, then signals the cameras to roll and for the broadcast to go live)
PATRICK WHITE: Hello, and welcome to the six o’clock news. My family is hungry and I make very little money writing these scripts for some news station in America, please help me. Okay, we’ve obviously had a little mix-up here, um…
RYAN: (Whispering to Matthew) Shit, am I supposed to do something?
MATTHEW: No, I think he’s got it.
PATRICK WHITE: Due to technical difficulties, we have no news script tonight. In lieu of the news I will read the first chapter of a novel I’ve been working on.
MATTHEW: (Whispering) Oh no.
(Patrick takes out a screenplay and flips to the first page)
PATRICK: “It was the first day of autumn, and I was sitting on my office, dragging on a cigarette when a woman came in with beautiful dirty blonde hair, perfectly white skin and entrancing blue eyes.
FIONA: (Realizing Patrick is describing her exactly, she giggles nervously and smiles through her anger as she says the following) Oh, Patrick. Stop it! Please!
PATRICK: She grabbed my heart and drank the fluids dripping out the minute she walked in the door. I asked her-
(Cut to Detective Zimmerman in his office, watching the Hansbay Action News. He sits up in his chair)
(George gets up and rushes out of the room. Cut back to the studio)
MATTHEW: (As Patrick continues talking) Jesus, Ryan, do something!
RYAN: Like what?
MATTHEW: I don’t know; go on there and save the day!
RYAN: Can’t you guys cut to commercial?
MATTHEW: We outsourced out “emergency cutting to commercial” guy to-
RYAN: Let me guess, India?
MATTHEW: Wrong. The Byzantine Empire.
RYAN: Okay, I was wrong, but that’s still worse.
MATTHEW: They left us this. (Matthew hands him a heavy stone tablet) Study that and the answer will be there.
RYAN: This is in Latin!
MATTHEW: Damnit, you don’t know Spanish?
RYAN: Latin is different from Spanish, but yeah, for the record I also don’t know Spanish.
MATTHEW: Do something!
RYAN: Like what?
MATTHEW: I don’t know, make up a story and hand it to him as if it’s breaking news.
RYAN: We can’t just make up a story!
MATTHEW: Sure we can! We do it all the time here. Do you really think Newt Gingrich ate his own hand or Boehner was found passed out in a bar in Fresno or the 9/11 Commission had a reunion tour or Mitt Romney got drunk on Germ-X or Harry Reid head-butted Julia Louis Dreyfus?
RYAN: I did wonder why I didn’t hear any of those stories from any other news sources.
MATTHEW: It’s our way of scooping CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, other local news stations and the newspapers!
RYAN: It’s not that hard to scoop the newspapers.
MATTHEW: Just make something up!
(Ryan gets a piece of paper, he takes out his phone and looks something up, puts his phone away and then writes something down. He then runs to Patrick and hands him the paper)
PATRICK WHITE: I’ll have to interrupt my well written-sex scene to tell you some breaking news. Today is Former Senator Larry Craig’s 67th Birthday. (Singing) Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Larry, happy birthday to you! (Stops singing) Happy Birthday, Senator Craig. Go out and enjoy yourself. Not too much though.
MATTHEW: Goddamnit! That’s a copyrighted song! Now we’re going to get sued!
(George busts in the studio and runs in front of the cameras)
GEORGE: People of Hansbay! I have real news, not this meaningless jabber!
PATRICK: Who are you?
GEORGE: I am a member of the Missing Persons Division of the Hansbay Police Department and I have news!
(Cut to Kimberly watching at home)
KIMBERLY: Oh, holy tits.
(Cut to Ethan watching at his desk)
ETHAN: What is going on?
(Cut back to the studio)
PATRICK: Say it man, we’re dying here.
GEORGE: May I have a seat behind the desk?
(Patrick gets up and installs the microphone on George, who then sits down)
GEORGE: Four months ago, Mayor Sarandon’s Chief of Staff attempted to bribe Matthew and Richard Chambliss so this very news show would not report on a scandal involving Mayor Brian Sarandon’s proclivity for prostitutes. When they refused this bribe, he blackmailed Matthew Chambliss by threatening to tell the public some very compromising information about him if they ran the story. He agreed not to run the story, and the compromising information was-
(Matthew jumps into the shot)
MATTHEW: Not important!
GEORGE: Well, I think it’s somewhat important.
GEORGE: Okay fine, anyway, about three months ago Mayor Sarandon, Ethan Donahue and Timothy Price went on a taxpayer funded boondoggle to the Cayman Islands. Nearly two months ago, Mayor Sarandon drunkenly exposed himself to the Vice Chair of the City Council Colleen Edelman and Ethan Donahue bribed her to keep it under wraps. This is clearly a pattern of unmistakably corrupt behavior from both Mayor Sarandon and Mr. Donahue.
(Cut to Kimberly watching)
(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon watching)
ETHAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
MAYOR SARANDON: NO! NO!! NOT-NO! GODDAMNIT! WHY?!
ETHAN: What are we going to do?
MAYOR SARANDON: We have no choice but to fake our own deaths. We could pour some spaghetti out the window and hire some special effects artists to make our dead bodies and throw those fake bodies out the window and say the spaghetti is our blood and organs!
ETHAN: Yeah, but there’s DNA testing nowadays.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, spaghetti has similar chemical properties to blood and organs, trust me.
ETHAN: No, that’s not true! Can’t we just deny it?
MAYOR SARANDON: I guess.
ETHAN: Okay, great.
(Cut back to the studio)
GEORGE: Thank you, very much. Don’t let Sarandon and Donahue get away with this. Stand up as a citizen of Hansbay. Especially since local politics hasn’t been this interesting since…well, ever. Thank you and goodnight.
(George takes off his mic and leaves. Matthew sits down)
MATTHEW: All of that’s true. But I’m not going to tell you Ethan’s leverage…fine, I jumped over nine buses on my motorcycle and I was embarrassed because I didn’t jump over ten. You happy?
FIONA: That’s such a lie.
(Cut to Ryan standing there, shocked. Matthew walks over)
MATTHEW: You are fired.
(Ryan walks away. Cut to Ethan walking through the front door to see Kimberly livid)
KIMBERLY: Don’t “Kimmy” me! What the hell? Is any of this shit true?
ETHAN: Yes, it’s true. My boondoggle was taxpayer-funded, I covered up Sarandon’s sex scandal and I bribed Colleen to keep quiet about Mayor Sarandon exposing himself.
KIMBERLY: How could you?
ETHAN: Kimberly, I’m sorry, but I told you about covering up Sarandon’s sex scandal, remember?
KIMBERLY: Yes, but you didn’t tell me you used blackmail! Mayor Sarandon is clearly unfit for office, why would you protect him?
ETHAN: Because I care about you. Because I care about Jacob, Madeline and Ryan, because I care about this family. I knew that if Sarandon is gone, I’m gone.
KIMBERLY: But it’s corruption!
(Ryan comes in)
RYAN: Get off your fucking high horse, mom.
(Ethan and Kimberly turn around)
KIMBERLY: EXCUSE ME, YOUNG MAN?!
RYAN: You’re excused. But not for embezzling money from the HOA two and a half months ago!
KIMBERLY: Oh, Jesus.
ETHAN: You did that?!
ETHAN: Why would you do that?
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, I was corrupted.
ETHAN: How can you lecture me about this then?
KIMBERLY: I can’t. I’m sorry.
ETHAN: Also, why does Ryan know and I don’t?
KIMBERLY: I had to tell him, he caught me spying on Scott Alexander. Ellen found out about my embezzlement, so she had me spy on her son Scott in return for not telling anybody.
ETHAN: Wow. This is…fucked.
(Jacob and Madeline walked in with Anhun)
JACOB: S’up family. Meet T-Pain’s Welsh half-brother.
ANHUN: Yo. Who wants to here what clog dancing sounds like when it’s auto-tuned? (Pan down to his clog shoes, then pan up) Anybody?
ETHAN: NO! This is not a fucking good time.
JACOB: Why? What happened?
RYAN: Did you watch the news today?
KIMBERLY: Ethan and Mayor Sarandon have been exposed by Detective Zimmerman for corruption.
JACOB: Jesus. Is it true?
ETHAN: Yes. But Kimberly just told me she embezzled money from the HOA, so now we can’t criticize each other.
KIMBERLY: We have no choice but to stick together while we endure the public attention.
RYAN: I suppose so. C’mon everybody, group hug.
(“Didn’t Cha Know” by Erykah Badu starts playing as Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline and Anhun get into a group hug and Chinaberry goes over and rubs against their legs. Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting at his desk in the middle of the night with a glass of scotch near him, desperately rummaging through papers. He takes one out, takes out a lighter and lights the paper on fire and it begins to burn. Cut to Detective Zimmerman calling Kimberly’s number. She doesn’t answer and he puts down the phone and rubs his eyes. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan holding a news conference outside the Mayor’s office, the both of them trying to handle questions. Cut to Ryan shaking Michelle’s hand at Hot Topic and then making out with her. As the song ends, cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline and Anhun on the couch watching Jacob and Madeline’s viral video on the laptop, laughing. Anhun is in the garage with the old ladies behind him “dancing”)
ANHUN: Rack city, bitch. Rack, rack city bitch. Rack city, bitch. Rack, rack city bitch. Ten, ten, ten, twenties and a fifties bitch. (Points to Louise) This bitch is so old she was put in a home and Warren Harding called her titties the teapot domes because she was called sexy across the nation, even FDR gave her a standing ovation and when this bitch (points to Renee) went into the Truman abode Hiroshima wasn’t the only thing ready to explode and this bitch (points to Nina)was alive, President Nixon was horrified, himself he began to hate because he knew Nina ha the REAL Watergate.
(They all laugh)
ETHAN: Wow, this isn’t bad.
JACOB: I know, it’s gotten a ton of views.
RYAN: Good for you guys.
KIMBERLY: Well done.
(Louise comes in and puts her hand on Jacob’s shoulder)
LOUISE: Why did you leave me, Edward? You know I’m fragile.
(Louse looks toward the camera with a saddened, frightened face as The Donahues look on in confusion. Fade to black)
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