“There are mean people, keen people, people that are in between people.”
- Kelly Curiel
(We start with Ethan in the kitchen in a suit, looking through the mail. A tall man comes in with black hair and a goatee)
MAN: Hey, Eth.
ETHAN: Don’t call me Eth, Rob.
ROB: Sorry, Eth.
ETHAN: Okay, then you’re not sorry, you just called me Eth again.
ROB: Listen Eth,
ETHAN: Oh, Jesus Christ.
ROB: Guess how tall I am?
ETHAN: …How tall are you?
ROB: I’m taller than a mountain.
ETHAN: Yeah, you’re uh, you’re relatively tall.
ROB: You impressed?
ETHAN: No, because you had no control over that, right?
ETHAN: Listen, what do you want?
ROB: I’m just talking to you, Eth.
ETHAN: I told you not to call me that, I mean, my name is short enough, isn’t it? Ethan. You don’t need to shorten it.
ROB: Any name with more than one syllable, no. No.
ETHAN: No? What does that mean? No? You’re saying “no” to it? Just use complete sentences!
ETHAN: Okay, so you’re saying “no” to using complete sentences?
ETHAN: I have to go to work, okay?
ROB: Hey listen, man.
ROB: It’s good that you’re going, because I have to go to, I have to play racquetball. I am pretty much the best at racquetball. I racqueted like, two-hundred balls yesterday.
ETHAN: Okay, that’s not true. Kimberly was with you yesterday, she said you never left the house.
ROB: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
ETHAN: Okay, so you’re agreeing with me?
ETHAN: That you were lying?
ETHAN: Great. Um, like I said, I have to go to work.
ROB: Well, I hope you don’t mind that I’m living here for a while.
ROB: Yeah, I figured I’d live here for a little while until I get back on my feet.
ETHAN: You figured that?
ETHAN: Really? Because I did not approve that.
ROB: Kimberly did though.
ROB: I’m her step-brother, she wants to help me out.
ETHAN: Does she?
ROB: That’s what she said.
ETHAN: Don’t get too comfortable, I’ll have to talk to Kimberly.
ROB: Okay, okay. I’m braver than a lion.
ROB: Because I ate a banana, that was like, legit green. Not even close to ripe, it was insane.
ETHAN: Okay, that doesn’t make you-
ROB: I know French, German and Dutch, and I don’t need no classes neither.
ETHAN: Okay, you don’t even know English, much less French, German and Dutch.
ROB: You impressed?
ETHAN: Obviously not.
(Cut to Jacob, Kirsten, Ross, Ryan, Michelle and Madeline watching the Olympics on television)
RYAN: Wow, compared to the terrifying Chinese Olympics opening ceremony from 2008, this opening ceremony is relatively tame.
JACOB: It’s just a bunch of British people punching dentists in the face, drinking brandy and floating in carrying umbrellas.
MICHELLE: But soon the cute little orphan kids with black lung will come on stage and sing!
MADELINE: This isn’t the industrial revolution.
KIRSTEN: The industrial revolution never ended in the United Kingdom.
RYAN: What I don’t understand is why is a celebration of the United Kingdom’s National Health Service part of the opening ceremony? They’re just gloating that they have Universal Healthcare and the United States doesn’t.
ROSS: Yeah, and why are they making those sick kids dance on those hospital beds? They need rest!
JACOB: I think those are actors.
RYAN: I loved the part where all the top-hatted men stood around doing karate moves while a bunch of ash-covered English workers erected pillars for no apparent reason.
KIRSTEN: It symbolized how instrumental the United Kingdom was in the Industrial Revolution.
RYAN: Yeah, and how they were also instrumental in advancing black lung, exhaustion and still births.
ROSS: Hey Jacob, Madeline, is T-Pain’s Welsh step-brother still in town?
JACOB: No, he went to the London Olympics to compete in the 100-meter “run in your clogs and then heal your callouses” dash for the UK Olympic team.
(Ross’ phone gets a text. He looks at it and expresses disappointment. He puts it away)
ROSS: Hey, um, my dad tells me I need to come home.
JACOB: That sucks, why?
ROSS: I don’t know, they want me to watch the Olympics with them.
JACOB: Oh, okay. Hey, why don’t Kirsten and I come with you?
ROSS: Um…are you sure?
JACOB: Sure, we’d love to meet your family. Right, Kirsten?
KIRSTEN: Of course.
ROSS: Uh…okay, I guess. It’s just that, my grandfather lives with us.
JACOB: Why? Can’t he live on Social Security?
ROSS: Black people aren’t allowed on Social Security.
JACOB: Actually, I don’t think that’s true.
ROSS: Yeah, but that’s his excuse for living with us. He has these weird delusions of oppression. Anyway, if you guys want to come, then come.
(Ross, Kirsten and Jacob get up and leave)
RYAN: Bye, guys. Have fun at the water park! I really do hope they have a good time.
MICHELLE: What are you talking about?
(Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon in Mayor Sarandon’s office, sitting down, looking stressed)
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus Christ, the reporters just won’t go away, and that asshole Zimmerman has absolutely no proof that any of this shit happened.
ETHAN: But this shit did happen! Okay? And Chambliss said he was blackmailed, Edelman said she was bribed and Burlington International has records of the plane tickets to the Caymans on the TAXPAYER’S DIME! Okay? We could both lose our jobs come November; it’s an election year for Christ’s sake.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think you’re forgetting we also could be INDICTED. I don’t think either of us would survive in prison. You’re too handsome and I have butter fingers.
ETHAN: If you drop the soap, just don’t use it, water is good enough.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, but then someone slips on the soap!
ETHAN: You’re thinking too much! Okay? And by the way, I can fashion a shiv out of anything. Soap, wood, metal, a pine cone, a knife, anything!
MAYOR SARANDON: Where would there be a pine cone in prison?
ETHAN: Let’s not think about prison right now. This is a simple matter of “He said, she said”, they can’t prove jack. I mean, we passed a charter a year ago saying business trips could be tacpayer-funded, and they can’t prove it was a poon doggle, what we need, is a distraction.
MAYOR SARANDON: Like, a man in a top hat doing a jig outside our building?
ETHAN: No, I already tried that.
(Cut to a man in a top hat doing a jig outside the Mayor’s building with reporters everywhere)
REPORTER: Mr. Fantastico, what is Mayor Sarandon hiding?
MR. FANTASTICO: Nothing, but this rabbit!
(He pulls a rabbit out of his hat)
RABBIT: That son of a bitch is corrupt!
(Mr. Fantastico stuffs the rabbit back in the hat)
MR. FANTASTICO: Never mind him.
OTHER REPORTER: Mr. Fantastico, what did President Obama mean when he said business owners didn’t build their businesses all by themselves?
MR. FANTISTICO: I don’t know what he meant, but I know what’s behind your ear!
(Mr. Fantistico produces Mitt Romney’s tax returns from behind his ear)
MR. FANTASTICO: Holy shit, these are Mitt Romney’s tax returns!
OTHER REPORTER: GIVE ME THEM!
MR. FANTISTICO: NO! (Mr. Fantastico puts them in his back pocket) Any more tricks you want me to do?
REPORTER 3: Mr. Fantastico, have you been rigging the LIBOR interest rate or have you been doing business with Al Qaeda?
MR. FANTASTICO: I’M A FUCKING MAGICIAN!
ETHAN: What we need is to show the people of Hansbay that we care about their well-being. We need to start construction projects and make deals with contractors, so we can create jobs and build confidence in the people of Hansbay.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s a good idea. You know, my new girlfriend’s father is a contractor, he has some ideas.
ETHAN: You have a new girlfriend?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I do. She’s great. She’s got the tits of an angel with tits.
ETHAN: Yeah, that’s kind of implied. What’s her personality like?
MAYOR SARANDON: She’s…tits.
ETHAN: Did you just say “She’s tits”?
MARIA: Mr. Sarandon, your girlfriend is here.
MAYOR SARANDON: SEND HER IN!
ETHAN: I should go.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nonsense, stay!
(A beautiful 22-year old walks in and starts making out with the 50-year old Sarandon while Ethan cringes. Once they stop, the 22-year old faces Ethan, as does Mayor Sarandon)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, meet Sandra Farmella.
ETHAN: It’s a pleasure.
(Ethan shakes Sandra’s hand)
SANDRA: Me too. (They unclench their hands) Look at you two, you guys are so professional in your suits, it’s kinky.
(Sandra starts licking Mayor Sarandon’s neck, making Ethan visibly uncomfortable)
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh, thank you, Sandra. Oh…keep going.
ETHAN: Uh…I should go.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nonsense!
ETHAN: Sense! Perfect sense! (Sandra starts removing her clothes, as does Mayor Sarandon) Oh, Jesus Christ.
MAYOR SARANDON: DON’T GO, MOTHERFUCKER! WATCH US!
(Ethan tries to open the door, but it’s locked from the outside)
ETHAN: OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!
(Sandra and Mayor Sarandon start having sex on the desk)
MAYOR SARANDON: YOU’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! WATCH US, GODDAMNIT!
ETHAN: YOU’RE FUCKING INSANE, BRIAN! LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
MAYOR SARANDON: NO!!!!
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Sandra walking out of the office. Ethan looks scarred for life while Mayor Sarandon and Sandra look satisfied)
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, bye Sandra!
SANDRA: Bye, Mr. Mayor!
(They kiss and Sandra leaves. Mayor Sarandon walks over to Ethan’s desk as Ethan sits down)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, I think I know the perfect person to do business with to make jobs in this city.
ETHAN: Who sir?
MAYOR SARANDON: Keith Farmella! He’s Sandra’s father. He directed the operations that built the 1-35 West Mississippi River Bridge.
ETHAN: You mean the one that collapsed five years ago and killed like twelve people?
MAYOR SARANDON: Wrong, it killed thirteen people.
ETHAN: So it was worse than I thought.
MAYOR SARANDON: Trust me though. He’s good.
ETHAN: You just made me watch you and your girlfriend fuck.
MAYOR SARANDON: I have a lot of work to do, Ethan. (Mayor Sarandon walks into his office. He buzzes his secretary) Maria, set up a meeting with Mr. Keith Farmella and Mr. Ethan Donahue tomorrow at three sharp, comprende?
MARIA: Yes sir.
(Cut to Ethan walking into his bedroom to see Kimberly sitting on the bed)
ETHAN: Kimberly, I need to talk to you.
KIMBERLY: Why here?
ETHAN: Why not here?
KIMBERLY: Rob is taking a bath in there!
ETHAN: What? Why?
KIMBERLY: He prefers baths.
ETHAN: In our bathroom?! How old is he?
KIMBERLY: He’s 34.
ETHAN: Well, then he’s just a little tyke, isn’t he? Do you think he’ll need braces soon?
KIMBERLY: Why are you mad?
ETHAN: Let’s talk in the other room.
(Kimberly and Ethan go to the other room, which is the living room and they sit on the couch)
KIMBERLY: What’s going on?
ETHAN: This morning Rob told me he’s going to live here with us.
KIMBERLY: Oh, yeah, I forgot to let you know about that incredibly important long-term arrangement.
ETHAN: You forgot-wait, you already said what I was going to say. Well, why didn’t you tell me?
KIMBERLY: Because I know you don’t like him, but he’s my half-brother and he needs my help.
ETHAN: He’s a braggart, a liar and a slob.
KIMBERLY: Maybe, but-
ETHAN: Definitely, but-
KIMBERLY: BUT, he’s my half-brother.
ETHAN: Kimmy, I already have enough stress due to the scandal and that spitfuck Zimmerman. I don’t need this!
KIMBERLY: Hey, Detective Zimmerman is a nice man; he helped save our son, twice!
ETHAN: I know, but he blew the whistle based on hearsay!
KIMBERLY: Hearsay? It’s true!
ETHAN: Truth is relative.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, and it’s relatively likely you’re going to be indicted if they prove you blackmailed, bribed or wasted taxpayer money!
ETHAN: Eye of the beholder.
KIMBERLY: The eye of the fucking judge!
ETHAN: Grass is always greener?
KIMBERLY: That doesn’t even apply!
ETHAN: FINE! He can stay here, but I’m going to hate it.
KIMBERLY: Where’s he going to sleep?
ETHAN: Umm…I’ll give him that choice.
(Cut to Jacob and Ross walking into Ross’ house. They walk into the living room to see Ross’ mom, dad and grandfather watching the Olympics opening ceremony)
ROSS’ DAD: Oh, hello Ross, who’s this?
ROSS: Hey dad, this is my friend Jacob Donahue.
JACOB: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Higgins.
(Ross’ mom and dad walk up to Jacob and they both shake his hand)
ROSS’ MOM: It’s a pleasure, Jacob.
ROSS’ GRANDFATHER: Who is that kid, Joshua?
JOSHUA: Oh. (Ross’ parents turn around) Dad, this is Jacob Donahue, Ross’ friend. Jacob, this is Ross’ Grandpa Kenneth.
JACOB: Hello, sir.
GRANDPA KENNETH: He looks like the son of a bitch who had sex with my wife in 1964.
JOSHUA: Jesus Christ, dad.
GRANDPA KENNETH: It’s three in the afternoon, I came home early and that asshole was knee-deep!
GRANDPA KENNETH: Knee-deep, yeah.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Why did you have sex with my wife?!
JOSHUA: Jesus, Dad, he’s eighteen years old! When Zachary had sex with your wife Jacob was thirty years away from being born!
GRANDPA KENNETH: He looks like the cop sprayed me down with a fire hose in the spring of ’63.
JACOB: I’ve never even been to Birmingham!
GRANDPA KENNETH: HOW DID THAT SON OF A BITCH KNOW I WAS SPRAYED IN BIRMINGHAM?!
JOSHUA: He probably knows history!
GRANDPA KENNETH: IS THAT A BADGE ON HE CHEST?!
JOSHUA: No, there’s no badge, listen dad, you’re being extremely racist towards this young man.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Racist? He’s the one being racist.
JACOB: I haven’t said anything even remotely racist, but you have implied that I’m a Birmingham cop who sprayed down black people even though you seem fully aware that I was nothing but a gleam in the eye of my grandfather’s sperm when that happened.
GRANDPA KENNETH: That doesn’t mean you weren’t involved!
JACOB: It does actually mean that.
JOSHUA: Dad, that’s enough, go yell obscenities at the pigeons.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Fine. (Gets up) I don’t need this from no cracker-lovin’ family any damn way.
(Grandpa Kenneth walks out to the porch)
JOSHUA: I am so, so sorry about that.
JACOB: It’s fine. My grandpa is crazy too.
JOSHUA: Okay. Have a seat.
(Joshua, Jacob, Ross and Ross’ mom walk into the living room and take a seat and watch the Olympics opening ceremony. Cut to Ethan walking into an office and going up to a secretary)
ETHAN: Hello, I’m looking for Keith Farmella.
SECRETARY: Yes, Mr. Farmella is in his office, he’ll be with you momentarily. Please sit down and enjoy all of the incredibly recent magazines we have laid out in the waiting area.
ETHAN: Okay, thanks. (Ethan goes over to the waiting area, sits down and opens a Newsweek, which has a picture of Rudy Giuliani straightening his tie with the caption “Is Rudy Giuliani the One?”) Ooh, it seems as though the housing market will continue to boom. Thank God...wait, Edwards is running this year? I thought the sex scandal would have kind of gummed up those tires. Ooh! They’re hanging Saddam again? I love re-enactments!
SECRETARY: Mr. Farmella is ready for you, Mr. Donahue.
ETHAN: Okay, thank you. (He puts down the magazine and walks inside Keith’s office. Keith turns around and shakes his hand) Hello, Ethan Donahue.
KEITH: (Keith has a lisp) My name’s Keith Farmella.
ETHAN: Oh. Okay.
(They stop shaking hands)
KEITH: Yes. Have a seat.
(Ethan has a seat while Keith goes to his liquor cabinet)
KEITH: Can I get you anything?
ETHAN: Um…what do you have?
KEITH: I have gin, bourbon, brandy, whiskey, vodka, ale, wine, porter, lager, sake, absinthe, tequila, scotch, cognac, bangers and mash.
ETHAN: Those last two were not alcohol.
KEITH: Which do you want?
ETHAN: Um…you know what? In honor of the London Olympics, I’ll have Brandy.
KEITH: Okay, faggot.
(Keith hands him a glass of brandy)
ETHAN: You had it! (Keith pours himself absinthe and sits down) Isn’t that illegal?
KEITH: Only if it has the chemical thujone. That shit’ll give you visions.
ETHAN: Does that have thujone?
KEITH: Yes. Let’s get down to business.
ETHAN: Let’s do. We are interested in hearing your ideas for a major construction project in Hansbay to create jobs.
KEITH: Here’s how I got the inspiration for my idea.
ETHAN: I haven’t heard it yet.
KEITH: I was walking by a house one day when I saw a window pulsating with light. I thought someone was getting electrocuted in their but it turns out, when I looked through it, some kid was just watching television. He looked very entertained, so my idea is a museum of people’s reactions to television shows.
KEITH: Yeah, a museum showing people’s reactions to television shows throughout history. Mothers cringing when they saw the Flintstones sleeping in the same bed together, Richard Nixon throwing a rock at his TV when there was a gay character on All In The Family, Vice President Dan Quayle being shocked seeing that feminist bitch Murphy Brown raise a child on her own, H.W. vomiting on the Japanese Prime Minister in disgust while seeing the terrible example the Simpsons set for the nation and people across the nation contemplating suicide as they witness the Big Bang Theory or watch a Russell Brand comedy special. This will be the thing that brings people to Hansbay, Vermont.
ETHAN: Yeah…I don’t really know if that’ll attract anybody…
KEITH: Are you kidding me? Who wouldn’t want to come see this?
ETHAN: Right off the top of my head, I’d say people who want to see the Statue of Liberty instead.
KEITH: C’mon. This idea is golden.
ETHAN: We don’t have pictures of famous people reacting to television shows.
KEITH: We’ll get Nixon to recreate it.
ETHAN: Nixon has been dead for like, eighteen years.
KEITH: Okay, then we’ll get Frank Langella to do it. Better yet, we could have Nixon reacting to Frost/Nixon, that was a good movie.
ETHAN: That’s not television.
KEITH: Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was talking to nitpick Magee. Plus, we could have tourist traps surrounding the building, like the world’s biggest mittens, the world’s largest book and the world’s largest condom.
ETHAN: Yeah! I’ve always loved tourist traps. Maybe we could get a shoe bigger than the one in Canyon Falls.
KEITH: The world’s even biggerest shoe!
ETHAN: Like a hurricane!
(Ethan and Keith shake each other’s hands and sit back down)
KEITH: Let me tell you something, when I was part of a fraternity in college, there was this new pledge named Rick, who was a short guy, but he had a lot of heart. I decided to haze him by forcing him to drink four liters of water in under two hours, guaranteeing that his entrance into our fraternal society would be imminent should he complete the challenge. This would give him a sense of community, as he had been abused by his father and had few friends during high school. He died of water intoxication after completing the challenge.
ETHAN: Jesus. Well, I’m sure you were unaware of the dangers of water intoxication-
KEITH: No, I was fully aware of the dangers of water intoxication. I just thought it would be funny. The point is, I fully expect for my construction project to be funded, built, completed and successful, anything less than that…would be a major mistake. Capiche?
KEITH: Great. Thanks for coming.
(Ethan shakes Keith’s hand and leaves, stunned)
ETHAN: Jesus fucking Christ, that guy is a goddamn sociopath.
SECRETARY: Hey, that’s my boss. Although he did kill someone’s family member so he could meet someone else at their funeral.
ETHAN: My lord. Anyway, now I just have to pitch this to my boss and we can start on it so we can distract people from how corrupt we are.
(Cut to Rob entering Ryan’s room while Ryan sits on his bed with his laptop)
ROB: Hey Ryan.
RYAN: What do you want, Rob?
ROB: Well, the elders have decided that I should live here for a while, so naturally, I need a room to sleep in.
RYAN: They decided you should stay here or they reluctantly decided you can stay here?
ROB: It’s just until I get back on my feet.
RYAN: Which of course are the biggest and best in the world.
ROB: Well, of course.
RYAN: Sarcasm, anyway, please just go ask Jacob or Madeline first. I know it’s inevitably going to be one of us, but please ask one of them first.
ROB: Why don’t you want to bunk with me, Broseph?
RYAN: Because first of all, I hate people who incorporate the word “bro” into everyday words and names, second of all, you’re a braggart, third of all, you’re an asshole, fourth of all, you practice racquetball in the garage which is already really loud so I couldn’t imagine how loud it would be in here. Plus, you’re fucking terrible at it; I don’t know who told you you were good.
ROB: I was being quiet as a mouse down there.
RYAN: You weren’t, plus you killed all of Madeline’s goldfish.
ROB: Why did she have them in the garage to begin with?
RYAN: She put them in there because at first you were practicing in her room!
ROB: Her room has good acoustics.
RYAN: Listen, I don’t want you to permeate my room with AXE Body spray, I don’t want you ride our dog like a pony, I don’t want you to wrestle my dog like it’s WWE and I don’t want you to live in here.
ROB: I won the 2011 award for Racquetball, thank you very much.
RYAN: I thought we were past that, but while we’re back on it, I’m just going to point out that that prize doesn’t exist.
ROB: Well, what about me? If I lived here I would have to deal with your emo faggotry on a daily basis. I would have to deal with you straightening your hair-
RYAN: Yeah! People do that! But no one does what you do which is buying editions of Rosetta Stone and learning a few words and phrases in a foreign language and then claiming you have mastered that language! Okay? Nobody does that! But a lot of guys, especially in the 21st fucking century, straighten their hair. It’s relatively common!
ROB: Listen, I feel like we’ve started on the wrong foot.
RYAN: Yeah, you’ve said that to me like twenty times since we met, which was literally three days ago.
ROB: Fine, I’ll go ask Madeline.
(Cut to Rob walking into Madeline’s room while Madeline is on her couch reading)
ROB: Hey Madeline.
(Madeline puts the book down)
ROB: I will be living here for a little while, so I was wondering if I could sleep in your room.
MADELINE: Please ask Ryan or Jacob first.
ROB: I already asked Ryan.
MADELINE: Then ask Jacob! Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I fucking hate you!
ROB: So you do mean to be rude.
MADELINE: That’s fair.
(Cut to Jacob and Ross watching the Olympics. Grandpa Kenneth comes back in and sits down)
GRANDPA KENNETH: What is Lester Maddox still doing here?
ROSS: For Christ’s sake, granddad, he’s my friend!
GRANDPA KENNETH: He looked like he hosed me back in ’63, like I said.
ROSS: Does he look 70 to you? Because he would have to be at least 70 to have sprayed you and the protestors.
GRANDPA KENNETH: I remember the Birmingham police hired babies to spray us and confiscate our illegal liquor. Then we’d go to ragtime shows and do the Jitterbug.
ROSS: Okay, now you’re like, confusing time periods, and even if the Birmingham police did hire babies, which they didn’t, he would still have to be like 49 years old.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Let’s just drop it.
ROSS: Okay, good!
(They continue watching the Olympics)
JACOB: Huh. Michael Phelps got fourth place. That’s too bad.
ROSS: Well, he’s ancient. He’s literally 27 years old, which in swimmer years, is like being 74.
JACOB: What’s the equation for figuring out swimmer years?
ROSS: Well, you take his real age and add the number of times he’s posed on the front of a cereal box, and then times it by how many anabolic steroids you’ve injected into your taint, and then carry the two.
JACOB: That’s an important step. The good news is, another American, Ryan Lochte, won the gold, so who really gives a shit?
ROSS: Yeah, exactly! And Michael Phelps thinks it’s about him...HA!
(Grandpa Kenneth takes out a Fresca and takes a sip)
JACOB: Um…where did you get that?
GRANDPA KENNETH: Oh, it must’ve been right next to my…(holds up an Old Navy catalog) Old Navy catalog.
JACOB: Don’t fuck with me, man. Where did you get that Fresca and Old Navy catalog?
GRANDPA KENNETH: Not exactly sure. All I know is that there are no Frescas left and that was the only Old Navy catalog they delivered to us. Sorry.
JACOB I NEED THAT! I NEED IT!
GRANDPA KENNETH: YOU CAN’T GET IT, BITCH! WHITE PEOPLE DEPRIVED US OF WHAT WE WANTED SO NOW WE’RE DEPRIVING WHITE PEOPLE OF WHAT THEY WANT!
ROSS: Okay, civil rights are way different from Fresca and Old Navy catalogs!
GRANDPA KENNETH: I also have a Dane Cook comedy special.
JACOB: You son of a bitch.
ROSS: Stop you two! Listen, Granddad, what if Jacob dangled a grape soda, an Urban Apparel catalog and a Katt Williams comedy special?
GRANDPA KENNETH: I’d beat he ass.
ROSS: Do you not sense some hypocrisy there?
GRANDPA KENNETH: I’m not following.
ROSS: Why is it okay for you to be a guy who stereotypes people but Jacob can’t be?
GRANDPA KENNETH: I’m still not following. Be? Like bees? Bzzzzz…
ROSS: No, I’m not talking about bees.
JACOB: Listen! You see that white guy right there in the rundown of past Olympic events? He was Al Oerter. He fought just as hard for this country to get a gold medal as that black sprinter right there.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Well, look! Some white person wrote “gay” on his uniform!
JACOB: His name is Tyson Gay!
GRANDPA KENNETH: …Oh.
JACOB: Listen, I know that the discrimination and racism you’ve had to face most of your life has been horrible, but forever holding a grudge against all white people defeats the point of equality and it makes you no better than racists. Because there are actual racists on Earth. But white people marched with Doctor King and Malcolm X become tolerant of white people when he saw them during his Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca. Presidents Eisenhower, Kennedy and Johnson, all white men, signed the Civil Rights Acts into law and the full equality that black people enjoy in every state except Florida today is due to black people and white people coming together, not black people and white people ripping apart.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Wow…that’s very true. I see now the error of my ways. I got so caught up in hating white people that I forgot Dr. King’s words. (Kennedy accent) “I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave-owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.” (Ends Kennedy accent) Great man, he was.
ROSS: Yeah…except you were doing a Kennedy accent.
GRANDPA KENNETH: Really?
JACOB: Yeah, you were.
GRANDPA KENNETH: How about this? (Jack Nicholson impression) “One day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers, I have a dream today!”
ROSS: How do you confuse Jack Nicholson and Martin Luther King?
GRANDPA KENNETH: (Batman impression) “I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted. Every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together.”
JACOB: Close enough.
(Two middle-aged black men come in)
ROSS: Oh, hey Uncle Thomas. This is my friend Jacob.
JACOB: Nice to meet you.
UNCLE TOM: You as well.
JACOB: Yeah, I just convinced your father here not to be a racist-wait, your name is Uncle Tom?
UNCLE TOM: Yeah…
ROSS: Yeah, I know. This is my Uncle Remus.
JACOB: Jesus Christ…
UNCLE REMUS: Yep.
JACOB: Mr. Higgins!
GRANDPA KENNETH: I know, I know.
JACOB: What were you thinking?
GRANDPA KENNETH: I know already!
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Madeline and Ryan watching the Olympics)
RYAN: Hey, is that American swimmer Claire Donahue related to us?
ETHAN: Yeah, she’s your fourth cousin, thrice removed.
RYAN: Awesome. By the way, we haven’t decided who is bunking with Rob yet.
ETHAN: Rock paper scissors it or something.
JACOB: Okay. Here we go, process of elimination, Ryan and Madeline first, and the loser faces off against me, and whoever is the loser gets the loser.
KIMBERLY: Hey! Robert is very important to me.
JACOB: So is my sanity. Let’s go, Ryan and Madeline.
MADELINE: Fine. (Ryan draws a rock and Madeline draws a paper, and then covers Ryan’s rock with it) HA! Paper covers rock!
RYAN: Bullshit! Rock is just warmer now. It’s like he has a fleece zip-up.
MADELINE: No, I’m smothering it like it’s an elderly billionaire!
(Ryan and Jacob turn to each other. Ryan draws scissors and Jacob draws rock)
JACOB: HA! Rock crushes scissors.
RYAN: GODDAMNIT! Best two out of three?
JACOB: Hell no, that’s for sore losers. Now go give that sore loser the tour of your room.
(Rob comes in)
ROB: I’m so sore from playing racquetball all day, ugh! (Chinaberry comes in and starts barking at him) Shut up, you mutt!
KIMBERLY: Chinaberry, get over here. Sorry.
(Chinaberry stops and walks over to Kimberly, but does keeps eyeing Rob)
ROB: Hey Ethan, I need to pick up some stuff at the pharmacy, mind if I drive your piece of shit car there?
ETHAN: Excuse me?
ROB: That’s not what I meant.
ETHAN: What exactly did you mean then?
ROB: Can I take your car to the pharmacy?
ETHAN: No, take Kimberly’s car.
ROB: That piece of shit Volkswagen?
ETHAN: No, that’s my car, and if you call it a piece of shit one more time I’m going to sock you in the cunt.
ROB: I thought you owned the piece of dick Corolla out there.
RYAN: That’s mine.
JACOB: You don’t seem offended.
RYAN: No, he’s right. It is a piece of dick.
ETHAN: Just pick a car that’s not my Jetta, not Kimberly’s Avalanche, not Ryan’s Corolla nor Jacob’s Buick Century.
ROB: So…I can take that cum stain Camry outside?
ETHAN: …I dislike you very much.
(Fade to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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