The Donahues Episode 274

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Ryan goes out drinking after a stressful day and makes some serious mistakes, Mayor Satch tries to reassert power in his personal and professional life as he begins losing it, and Jacob finds out
he is re-deploying to Afghanistan in January.

Submitted: December 13, 2017

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 13, 2017









“I need alcohol to open my blood. I need alcohol to empty my head. I need alcohol”

  • Michael Gira


(We start with a shot of Ryan doodling in his notebook, during class. The date on the notebook reads “11-27-2017”, and Ryan is sketching a picture of himself trapped inside a wine bottle, with a corkscrew about to drill into his brain)


PROFESSOR: (Chinese accent, offscreen) Ryan Donahue?


(Cut to Ryan lifting his head to look at the Chinese Professor behind the podium in this small classroom. On the board, it says Professor Zemin, along with the date, November 27, 2017)


RYAN: Here.


(The Professor marks Ryan’s attendance down in his notebook, as Ryan goes back to doodling)




FRANK: Here.


PROFESSOR ZEMIN: Stanley Dawson?


(Cut to Stanley, a short-haired white kid)


STANLEY: How’s it goin’, big guy?


(Professor Zemin half-heartedly smiles and notes his attendance in his notebook. Cut to Ryan sighing. Cut back to Professor Zemin)


PROFESSOR ZEMIN: Alexandria Atherton?




PROFESSOR ZEMIN: Okay. (Zemin moves to the center of the white board) Let us begin. It is nearing the end of the year. Final projects are due by the end of the week.


(Ryan furrows his brow)


RYAN: I thought they were due in the middle of next week.


(Zemin shakes his head)


PROFESSOR ZEMIN: No. Check the syllabus.


RYAN: (Under his breath) Fuck.


PROFESSOR ZEMIN: This, assignments, should not be too hard. Not too hard. You have had all semester, to complete this assignments. Make the best of it.


(Ryan rubs his eyes)


STANLEY: We won’t let you down, coach!

(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: (Under his breath) I hate you so much.


PROFESSOR ZEMIN: Good to hear. Now. This is our last day, of presentations, so, first up, Mallory Duckworth.


(Zemin sits down to take notes, as Mallory inserts her flash drive into the computer, and brings up her PowerPoint presentation. The presentation is titled “Audience Research & Viral Marketing”)


MALLORY: Today, I’m going to be talking about audience research and viral marketing. Now, let me start by asking you guys a question. Have you ever seen a hashtag for a show trending on Twitter? Like #GameOfThrones or #Scandal, or something like that? (A few people nod and say “yes”) Do you have some examples?




RYAN: Twin Peaks.


STANLEY: Barney The Purple Dinosaur! That’s the only show I watch!

(There’s a smattering of nervous laughter. Cut to Ryan furiously scribbling “KILL ME” into his notebook. Cut to Ryan pouring a glass of Barefoot Moscato in his kitchen. He walks into his living room, sits down and starts drinking it. Sarah walks in)


SARAH: Oh. I didn’t expect to see you out here.


RYAN: Where did you expect to see me?


SARAH: Locked away in your room, licking your wounds like always.


RYAN: Oh, please. I’m just enjoying the living room. We just got the lightbulbs replaced, so. I’m…enjoying that.


(Sarah starts kissing Ryan’s neck from behind)


SARAH: Sounds like… (Sarah kisses more) …you had a rough day.


(Ryan grabs Sarah’s hand and caresses it)


RYAN: It was stressful. I have to complete a project, like, five days earlier than I expected. And also, this motherfucker named Stanley Dawson tries to tell jokes in my audience research class.


SARAH: Are they funny?


RYAN: What do you think?


SARAH: So, you’re drinking to forget a few shitty jokes?


RYAN: I’m not drinking to forget anything, can’t a guy just enjoy some cheap wine? (Ryan stands up, and faces Sarah) I earned it, especially since it took me like two hours to open this bottle of wine. I broke all my keys. I don’t know how I’m gonna get anywhere.


SARAH: Just buy a wine bottle opener!

RYAN: Maybe they should stop bottling wine like it’s the 14th century!!


(Sarah sighs)


SARAH: Ryan, I’m taking a yoga class right now, and it really helps with my stress.


RYAN: Sar-bear, I appreciate it, but, I just became a hipster last week, so I’m not even gonna try to enjoy yoga ironically, okay? I’m not ready.


SARAH: …Fine. I know a tried and true way to reduce stress.


(Sarah gets on her knees, and pulls Ryan’s zipper down. But then, Ryan puts his hand on Sarah’s hand)


RYAN: Sarah…I was gonna meet Alec and Tara for a drink in like five minutes. I really appreciate it, but can we postpone this?


(Sarah reluctantly stands back up)


SARAH: …Yeah, sure…if you’re meeting them for a drink, why are you drinking?


RYAN: I’m pre-gaming. Come along with me, it’ll be fun. We’re going to the Green Room.


SARAH: I can’t, Ryan, I have a test tomorrow.


RYAN: Come on, you can study after.


SARAH: Ryan, I’ve never met the teacher for this class. I need to study.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: Okay. Next time.


(Ryan kisses Sarah a little bit. Cut to Mayor Satch in a meeting with the city council in his conference room. Conan and Amy are flanking him on both sides)


MAYOR SATCH: I want to thank you all for coming here. And furthermore, I’ll just congratulate the new Republican Majority. I’m glad you feel comfortable in your party even after your President re-tweeted anti-Islamic snuff films.


(Ethan clears his throat)


ETHAN: Well, obviously, he shouldn’t have done that.


MAYOR SATCH: I’m talking here, Ethan. Thanks. (Satch clears his throat) Anyway, I hope you guys can agree to pass some of my major legislative priorities, like raising the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour, doubling the local sales tax on cigarettes in our town, and declaring June 10th “Funny Hat Day”.


(Chairman Sloane squints, and then sprawls out his hands)




(Mayor Satch leans back in his chair and drops his jaw)


MAYOR SATCH: How come???


(Cut to Mayor Satch sitting in the Mayor’s mansion on his couch, stroking his moustache with concern)


AMY: (Offscreen) Irvy, don’t let those mean old Republicans get to you.


MAYOR SATCH: But they’re in control now! I’m only ten months into office and I’m already a lame duck!


(Amy comes onscreen and starts massaging his back)


AMY: But you love lame ducks, you own a few.


MAYOR SATCH: Well, that’s just because I love animals. (A duckling limps onto the coffee table before Irville, and he gives it some bread from his pocket) There you go, little fella.


AMY: You just have to find a way to flex your power. (Amy pats Irville on the back) And then they’ll respect you. Finally.


(Amy walks upstairs. Irville looks behind him. Cut to Amy in bed, reading Twilight: New Moon. Irville comes in, wearing cat ears and a tail)


MAYOR SATCH: Hey, kitty, kitty, kitty.


(Amy glances over at him)


AMY: Aren’t you the kitty?


(Mayor Satch crawls onto the bed and starts purring)


MAYOR SATCH: Why don’t you find out?


(Amy puts her book down)


AMY: Irville, I’m not in the mood for whatever this is.


MAYOR SATCH: I wanted to spice up our bedroom life. I read this great article in People Magazine about it.


AMY: What’d it say about cat roleplay?


MAYOR SATCH: It said that it “likey”.


(Irville paws at Amy)


AMY: Irville.  (Amy stands up) I’m tired.


MAYOR SATCH: …Of what?


(Amy sighs and leans on the wardrobe)


AMY: …A lot of things.


(Amy leaves the room, and shuts the bathroom door. Irville gets up and puts his ear against it. Cut to Amy drawing a bath. She feels the water on her skin. Cut to Irville mournfully removing his cat ears, and sinking to the floor, as the camera dollies back. Cut to Mayor Satch arriving in his office the next morning. His Secretary stands up)


SECRETARY: Good morning, Mr. Mayor.


(Mayor Satch hands her his coat)


MAYOR SATCH: Good morning, Violet. Could I see you for a second?


(Mayor Satch walks into the office)


VIOLET: Certainly.


(Violet walks in, as Mayor Satch removes his shoes and sits down. And puts his feet up on the desk. Satch tries to hold back tears)




VIOLET: What’s wrong, sir?


MAYOR SATCH: You’re…you’re fired…


(Violet looks devastated)


VIOLET: …Wha…why?


MAYOR SATCH: You’re just fired, get out of here.


(Mayor Satch quickly scampers out of the room, leaving Violet devastated. Cut to him standing in the middle of the office, as his employees type away on their computers. Violet tearfully starts putting her things in a box. Conan stands up)


CONAN: What’s going on?



(Mayor Satch, bursting into tears, runs back into his office. Cut to Chairman Sloane, on the phone in his office)


CHAIRMAN SLOANE: What in ROCKEFELLER’S name is going on over there!?


MAYOR SATCH: (On the phone) I cleaned house, Sloane. It’s my city, I can hire and fire who I wanna! (Cut to Mayor Satch at his desk, which is covered in tissues. He’s dabbing his tears) And I don’t even care.


(Irville sniffs. Cut to Sloane)


CHAIRMAN SLOANE: We have no one in the Mayor’s office to run the day-to-day of government, don’t you see!?


MAYOR SATCH: (On the phone) Don’t you guys hate the government anyway?


(Satch hangs up. Sloane shakes his head and slams the phone down. Cut to Jacob on his cell phone in his car, looking very fearful, as we slowly zoom in on him)


JACOB: Uh-huh…uh-huh…I, don’t know what to…say. I’ll be there Friday. Goodbye.


(Jacob hangs up, deflated as he looks to the ceiling. Cut to Jacob sitting on the couch in him and Renee’s apartment. Renee walks over and puts Kyle next to Jacob on the couch)


RENEE: Say hi to your father, Kyle.


KYLE: Hi daddy!


(Jacob pinches Kyle’s cheek)


JACOB: Hey, buddy. Have you been a good boy?


(Renee sits down across from Jacob)


RENEE: He’s not a dog, Jacob.


KYLE: Yes, daddy. And I AM a dog! Ruff ruff!

(Jacob and Renee laugh)


JACOB: Why don’t you go play in the other room, kiddo?


RENEE: Why does he need to run off?


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: Sometimes adults need to talk about adult things.


KYLE: Like guns and driving?


JACOB: …Yes.


(Renee nods)


RENEE: Go. (Jacob tousles Kyle’s hair as he runs off. Jacob turns to Renee) What’s going on?


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: I’m being called back up. (Renee tears up and covers her eyes) They’re gonna let me spend Christmas and New Years here, but, as soon as 2018 begins, I’m going back to Afghanistan.




JACOB: …I knew as soon as Trump escalated the war in August, I’d be going back. Hell, I might go to North Korea after that. And possibly the UK, if he keeps feuding with their Prime Minister.


RENEE: They can’t do this! They can’t tear apart our family!


JACOB: This is what I signed up for. I’m not like those guys in army movies, who say “I didn’t sign up for this shit”. I signed up for this shit.


RENEE: …Break your foot! Tell them your gay! Do something!

JACOB: Gay people are allowed in the military now, Renee-


RENEE: Then stare at the sun, and ruin your vision! Just don’t leave!

JACOB: Renee. (Jacob stands up and goes over to sit next to Renee) Please relax-


(Renee sinks her head into Jacob’s chest)


RENEE: …How long is it?


JACOB: Six months, maybe a year.


RENEE: …You’ll miss Kyle’s third birthday.


JACOB: …I know. (Jacob kisses Renee’s forehead) How about this? I’ll take you and Kyle on a road trip.


RENEE: To where?


JACOB: Wherever. We could see The Space Needle. Then Disney World. Then NASA. Then The Statue of Liberty-


RENEE: That seems like a really inefficient order.


JACOB: Just- we’ll make it work, okay? It’ll be our last hurrah before I deploy.


(Renee removes her head from Jacob’s chest and looks at him)


RENEE: …Okay.


(Renee kisses Jacob. Cut to Jacob driving Renee and Kyle in his car. Kyle is in a booster seat in the back)


BOB KINZEL: (On the radio) This is Bob Kinzel for VPR news. Senate President Tim Ashe has called on Governor Scott to support raising Vermont’s minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour. Governor Scott has consistently opposed this, calling the measure “artificial inflation”. In national news, President Trump’s former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn has been indicted by the special counsel for one count of lying to the FBI about his communications with the Russian Ambassador, Sergei Kislyak.


JACOB: Do we have to listen to the news?


RENEE: This sounds like good news.


JACOB: Until Trump is literally hung in a cage in Washington D.C.’s town square, with spectators throwing pussy hats at him, I don’t care.


(Jacob changes the station to an alt-rock station playing “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons)


RENEE: You know, we never listen to Christian stations.


JACOB: Don’t you take Kyle to church?


RENEE: He needs exposure to God at all times! It’s like sunblock against the fires of Hell.


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: You’re gonna make him cry.


KYLE: I’m not gonna cry.


JACOB: Of course you aren’t, bud. Pull over, I need to piss.  (Kyle starts crying, and Jacob turns around) Whoa, buddy, what’s wrong?


KYLE: You cursed!!


(Jacob turns to Renee)


JACOB: What the hell have you been teaching him!?


(Renee pulls into a 7-11 parking lot)


RENEE: I’ve been teaching him what I’ve been taught.


(Jacob sighs, gets out of the car, opens the backseat door, and pulls Kyle out of his booster seat and starts bouncing him on his leg)


JACOB: When did you put these ideas in his head?! My God, he’s inconsolable!


(Renee turns around)


RENEE: You know, I think it was right around the time you decided to go live in the desert.


(Jacob laughs)


JACOB: Of course. This is my fault. I knew it.


RENEE: Someone needed to instill values in him, Jacob.


JACOB: I made all my mistakes before I was twenty! Let him join a cult for all I care, it’ll prepare him for life!

RENEE: Maybe he should run off and join the army, too, huh?!

(Jacob nods and puts Kyle back in his booster seat as he starts to calm down)


JACOB: I got it.


(Jacob gets out of the car, and walks towards the 7-11. Renee crosses her arms, and leans her chair back slightly. Cut to Jacob leaving the men’s room, and walking up to the counter, where a cashier awaits to serve him. Jacob looks at the wall of cigarette brands behind him)


CASHIER: …Can I help you, sir?


(Jacob looks at the cashier, as his hands tap away on the counter)


JACOB: …Uh…I’ll have a, a, Coke, please.




(The Cashier points to the freezers in the back)


JACOB: Of course. Sorry.


(Jacob walks to the freezers in the back. Cut to him getting into the passenger’s seat of the car, holding a Coke. He puts it in the cup holder)


RENEE: I’m sorry, okay?


JACOB: Don’t be. I got you a Coke.


(Jacob hands Renee a Coke)


RENEE: I hate Coke, I thought you knew that.


(Jacob sighs)


JACOB: Right, you like Doctor Pepper.


RENEE: Yes. I like the fizzy taste on my tongue.


JACOB: Let’s just drive to Martha’s Vineyard, shall we?


(Jacob starts the car, and drives out of the 7-11 parking lot)


RENEE: What kind of message may that send to our two-year old? That it’s fun to drink?




RENEE: Don’t listen to him, Kyle.


KYLE: Please stop.


(They both look at him. Cut to the Green Room in Plattsburgh, we see shots of beers being served, drinks being sipped from straws, cigarettes being flicked, alcoholic drinks being drank directly. Then we see Ryan, Alec and Tara sitting in a booth at the Green Room. Alec has a beer, Tara has a Vodka cranberry, and Ryan has a whiskey on the rocks)


ALEC: …I still can’t drink it straight like that.


(Ryan shrugs)


RYAN: I guess I’m a more seasoned vet in this respect.


TARA: Alec’s a lightweight. I’ve only been drunk once, in my entire life, and that’s not from lack of trying.


ALEC: Where’s your other half, by the way?


RYAN: Sarah has a test in the morning.


(Ryan finishes the rest of his drink, and then spins his finger in a circle in the air, to indicate to the bars tender another round of drinks)


ALEC: Good idea.


TARA: You should probably get food, too, babe.


RYAN: True!


(Ryan points at Alec and then gives a thumbs up)


TARA: I don’t think he’s gonna understand that one.


RYAN: Do you want me to act it out?


ALEC: It’s cool, I’ll order it in a second.


TARA: So, Ryan, I probably shouldn’t tell you this, because-


RYAN: Please tell me. Whatever it is, I’m just thrilled to know secrets.


ALEC: Why would you tell him?


TARA: Just for shits and giggles! You know that band assistant Clarissa?


(Ryan squints)


RYAN: Clarissa…is she the Latina one?


TARA: Yeah.


RYAN: Yeah, what about her?


TARA: She’s very much into you.


RYAN: …Really?


ALEC: Yeah. Something about those hollowing, dead eyes.


TARA: Shut up.


RYAN: Did you tell her I’m taken?


TARA: Of course. She was pretty disappointed, but she’s a big girl.


RYAN: Interesting. How old is she?


TARA: She’s nineteen.


ALEC: Ah. I wouldn’t go for it, man.


TARA: Alec, he’s in a relationship. And so are you!


ALEC: I know, I’m just saying, even if I weren’t, I wouldn’t go for it.


RYAN: Why?


ALEC: Because if she’s nineteen, she can’t even drink. You can’t take her out to bars, and stuff.


RYAN: I don’t know if bars are the best date destination anyway-


ALEC: But don’t you want to have the option?


TARA: Not everything revolves around alcohol, Alec.


(The bartender puts down a round of whiskeys for the table, and he walks away)


ALEC: My life does!

(Alec takes a swig of his whiskey, and Tara shakes her head)


TARA: Anyway, I just thought it was funny. I probably shouldn’t have told you, though.


RYAN: No, it’s okay. Finish these, we’ll close out, and then we’ll go to Peabody’s.


(Ryan downs his whiskey, as Alec and Tara shrug and do the same. Cut to Peabody’s. This place has some dancing. Ryan, Alec and Tara walk through it uncomfortably, until they arrive in a corner with a table. They sit down)


ALEC: Make it stop.


TARA: Shut up, we could dance.


RYAN: We could also drink paint, as long as we’re throwing out options.


TARA: Fine, we’ll just try to talk over all the noise.


ALEC: She has a point.


RYAN: I’m fine with just sitting here, and silently drinking. At least I can still say I’m not drinking alone.


ALEC: Oh, look, there’s Brad.


(Cut to Brad, a young white guy with a slight handle-bar mustache, dancing with a somewhat short, white, brunette girl with a sizeable ass)


RYAN: What’s he doing with Robin?


TARA: Oh, yeah, that is Robin.


ALEC: She is out of his league. I mean, he’s Brad.


TARA: Nothing against him, he’s a great audio engineer, but, yeah, he’s Brad.


(Ryan waves at Robin. She smiles, and starts to walk over. Brad is clearly trying to hide his disappointment. Robin arrives at the table)


ROBIN: Oh my Gosh, how’s my favorite band doing?




TARA: We’re doing great.


ROBIN: Super cool.


(Brad starts walking over)


RYAN: I’m gonna order a drink, you want to come with?


ROBIN: Absolutely.


(Ryan and Robin walk to the bar, just as Brad arrives)


BRAD: …Hey, what up, mate?


ALEC: Hey, Brad.


TARA: I’m here too.


BRAD: You guys are one collective mate, don’t worry about that.


ALEC: I was very worried.


(Cut to Ryan and Robin at the bar)


RYAN: I always have a terrible time getting the bartender’s attention.


ROBIN: Don’t worry, I’m good at it. Watch.


(The bartender comes over to Robin)


BARTENDER: What can I get you?


ROBIN: Rum & Coke for me, and, Ryan?


RYAN: I’ll have a Maker’s Mark, neat.


BARTENDER: Sure thing, do you have a tab?


RYAN: No, put hers on mine.


(Ryan takes out his card and hands it to the bartender. He swipes it)


ROBIN: You didn’t have to do that.


RYAN: You’re a friend. Also, you got his attention. How did you do that, by the way?


ROBIN: I just have to be.


RYAN: Hmm.


BARTENDER: Open or close?


RYAN: Keep it open.


(Ryan and Robin sit on bar stools as the bartender walks away)


ROBIN: …So, what’s your pitch?


(Ryan smirks, as the bartenders hands them their drinks)


RYAN: I don’t have, a pitch.


ROBIN: Come on, guy. Everyone has a pitch.


RYAN: I actually have a…


(Robin leans in)


ROBIN: …What?


RYAN: …A pitch. I have a pitch.


ROBIN: Well, go ahead. I’m listening.


(Ryan smiles and looks up at Robin)


RYAN: Well.


(Brad comes over and grabs Robin’s shoulder)


BRAD: Robin, I signed us up for karaoke. We’re doing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”, and it’s our turn!


ROBIN: Oh! Cool. I’ll be right back, Ryan.


(Robin leaves with Brad, as the karaoke version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” starts playing. Alec sits next to Ryan)


ALEC: What happened there?


RYAN: Do you think it’s a coincidence that song has warped ideas about consent?


ALEC: So, Brad is trying to smash?


RYAN: Very hard.


ALEC: What are you trying to do?


(Ryan looks at Alec)


RYAN: I’m just talking.


(Alec nods, and then gets the bartender’s attention)


ALEC: I’ll have a whiskey & coke. Triple.


(Ryan sips his drink. Cut to Mayor Satch at a press conference outside City Hall. Local news are repeatedly taking pictures of him, as the camera dollies in)


MAYOR SATCH: I made a decision! To sweep up the swamp in City Hall, by firing EVERYBODY! And I need your help to vacuum up that swamp and replace it with, I don’t know, Moscato probably! That stuff is de-lish! So, City Hall is holding open interviews for all positions! I’M IN TOTAL CONTROL HERE!!! (Cut to Mayor Satch interviewing Mr. Johnson) So, I was looking through your resume, Mr. Johnson, and I saw-


MR. JOHNSON: I know, I’m just a high school teacher. But your arch-nemesis Ethan Donahue made me a goddamn garbage man, too.


MAYOR SATCH: So you’re out for revenge?


MR. JOHNSON: Hell yes, sister, and I think here is the best place to work towards that.


MAYOR SATCH: Well, if you dislike Ethan Donahue as much as I do, I think you’ll be a great fit. (Mayor Satch extends his hand) Welcome aboard.


(Mr. Johnson grasps his hand)


MR. JOHNSON: What’s the job again?


MAYOR SATCH: I forget, check with my secretary on the way out. Actually, I don’t have a secretary anymore, I’ll just call you. (Mr. Johnson nods and stands up. He then leaves) NEXT!

(A man in a suit walks in and closes the door. He sits down)


MAN IN SUIT: Hello, Mr. Mayor.


MAYOR SATCH: Mr. Schnitzler, it’s a pleasure.


(Mayor Satch shakes his hand. He nods and the two sit down)


MR. SCHNITZLER: You have a lot of balls doing what you did today.


MAYOR SATCH: Excuse me?


MR. SCHNITZLER: You want to be part of the elite, kid? You want to become part of something truly exclusive?


MAYOR SATCH: I don’t know what you’re talking about, and you have the look in your eye my mommy warned me about.


(Mr. Schnitzler slides a piece of paper over to Satch)


MR. SCHNITZLER: 9pm tonight. You want the prestige? Come and get it.


(Schnitzler gets up and leaves. Satch looks at the piece of paper. It says “1802 Wynwood Grove, Essex. VT. Password: Marquis. Wear mask, hood & cape”)


MAYOR SATCH: A costume party? In December? Well…sounds fun anyway.


(Cut to Irville pulling up to a remote mansion, in an Uber, with a tuxedoed man standing guard before the gate. Irville emerges from his car, wearing a cape, and holding a bedazzled mask and hood. He walks up to the guard)


GUARD: May I get a password, sir?




GUARD: …Close enough.


(The Guard opens up the gate, and Mayor Satch walks through. Cut to Mayor Satch entering the mansion. Another man in a tuxedo, wearing a mask greets him in this opulent foyer. Strange, holistic music plays in the distance)


DOORMAN: Password, sir?


MAYOR SATCH: I already said. It’s “Marcus”.


DOORMAN: …Right. Yes, that’s basically it.


(Mayor Satch puts on his bedazzled mask)


MAYOR SATCH: Do I look good?


DOORMAN: …Sir, please, just go inside.


(Mayor Satch recoils)




(Mayor Satch walks through some curtains into a luxurious ball room with columns and balconies, filled with hooded figures in fanciful masks. A dozen or so of them are gathered in a circle, with a hooded figure wielding a staff in the middle of the circle, and they’re performing some manner of ritual. Mayor Satch slowly walks as he observes this event. As the strange music plays, the staff-wielding man bangs his staff on the ground, and the hooded figures in the circle drop to their knees. There is a blindfolded piano player in the corner. Mayor Satch is approached by a hooded figure holding a red solo cup)


HOODED FIGURE: (Whispering) So, this is some Christmas party, huh?


MAYOR SATCH: (Whispering) Is that what this is?


HOODED FIGURE: (Whispering) No, of course not, you know that.


MAYOR SATCH: (Whispering) Right. I know what the hell this is.


(The man bangs the staff again and the figures in the circle disrobe all at once, revealing their breasts)


HOODED FIGURE: (Whispering) Are you new?


MAYOR SATCH: (Whispering) …Kinda. These ladies must be cold, should I get them a blanket?


HOODED FIGURE: (Whispering) All of them? One blanket?


MAYOR SATCH: (Whispering) It’s all my dad ever gave me.


(The figures get on their knees and start pecking each other on the mask)


HOODED FIGURE: (Whispering) You’re part of the elite now. After this, you can have any woman in this circle you’d like. Provided they consent, you gotta be a really careful about that.


MAYOR SATCH: (Whispering) I have a wife.


HOODED FIGURE: She doesn’t exist within these walls.


(The hooded figure pats Satch on the back and walks away. Mayor Satch looks at the ceremony with disbelief. Cut to a hallway outside some private rooms. Men and women in masks are walking around with naked, masked women in tow. Satch isn’t, however, and is darting around confused. He stops a hooded figure in his tracks)


MAYOR SATCH: I’m very confused, do you know a “Mr. Schnitzler”?


HOODED FIGURE: (Ethan Donahue’s voice) …Are you shitting me?


MAYOR SATCH: Is he a hot dog magnate? Because I love me some dogs!


ETHAN: Irville, I know your voice, how do you not know mine?




ETHAN: What the hell are you doing here?


MAYOR SATCH: A guy named Schnitzler told me to come. What are you doing here?


ETHAN: I was invited here after we took control of the city council.


MAYOR SATCH: You already HAD control of the city council, you just switched it!


(A woman in a mask with her breasts out walks up to Ethan)


MASKED WOMAN: (Councilwoman Cusick’s voice) Let’s go, shall we?


ETHAN: I have to go, sir.


(Ethan and the woman enter a bedroom. A man in a mask then walks up to Satch with a naked, masked woman in tow)


MASKED MAN: (Mr. Schnitzler’s voice) Irville?


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah. Who are you?


MR. SCHNITZLER: I’m Mr. Schnitzler. I’m glad you came tonight.


MAYOR SATCH: Why am I here?


MR. SCHNITZLER: Because you’re a very important, powerful man now. Here, meet Phoebe.


PHOEBE: Hello.




MR. SCHNITZLER: There’s a room right over there. Go with her.


MAYOR SATCH: But I’m married.


(Phoebe walks right up to Irville and grabs his arms and pulls his mask close to hers)


PHOEBE: That’s why we have the masks.


(Phoebe leads Irville into her bedroom. Cut to the bedroom. Phoebe splays herself out on the bed. Irville is breathing heavily)




PHOEBE: Keep it on. Get yourself a drink, too.


(Irville turns around and sees a bottle of Jim Beam and a glass)




PHOEBE: That’s for me, babe, your stuff is over there.


(Irville turns over and sees a gallon of Bailey’s, a pink cup with a silly straw and a bowl of sugar)


MAYOR SATCH: Oh, goodie!

(Irville walks over, pours himself some Bailey’s, adds two spoonfuls of sugar, lifts his mask, and chugs it. Once he’s done, he turns around to see Phoebe having just finished off her glass of Jim Beam. She splays herself on the bed again and looks at Irville)


PHOEBE: Who’s the big powerful boy?


(Irville nods)


MAYOR SATCH: I’m the big, special, powerful boy. And gosh darn it, people like me!


(Irville gets on the bed and starts making out with Phoebe. He throws her against the bedpost, and starts undoing her bra. Cut to Jacob, Renee and Kyle in Elkhart, Delaware, in a room with a banner hung behind them reading “STARE IN AWE AT THE WORLD’S SMALLEST SHOE!!” There are several older people in line behind them as Jacob stares into a microscope, while Renee holds Kyle. Jacob backs up from the microscope)


JACOB: I can’t believe we went here, of all places.


(Renee gives Kyle to Jacob and looks through the microscope)


RENEE: Oh my God, look at how small it is! It’s smaller than that penny!


JACOB: It’s a shoe no one can wear, Renee, it makes it less impressive.


RENEE: It’s so detailed, though! Kyle, take a look at this!

(Renee grabs Kyle and puts his face to the microscope)


KYLE: I want it!


(Jacob chuckles and shakes his head, as Renee laughs)


OLD MAN BEHIND THEM: Would you hurry up, already?!


JACOB: Yeah, that sounds good to me, let’s go.


(Cut to an establishing shot of the “Small Shoe Hotel”. Cut to Jacob, Renee and Kyle in their hotel room, at night. Jacob is taking off his shoes, as Renee and Kyle lay on the bed. The local news is on TV. The lower thirds name the reporters as “James Kelly” and “Kelly James”)


JAMES KELLY: Welcome to Elkhart, Delaware Local News Five, I’m James Kelly.


KELLY JAMES: And I’m Kelly James. Washington Democrats are pressuring Michigan Representative John Conyers to resign in the wake of numerous sexual harassment allegations against him. Conyers has so far refused to resign.


JAMES KELLY: This, all in the wake of Matt Lauer’s sudden termination from NBC News, and the mounting allegations of sexual assault facing Minnesota Senator Al Franken. Man, I did not see that Matt Lauer thing coming.


KELLY: What about when he flashed his female co-hosts in an NBC news skit and said “take it in, ladies”? Or what about when Katie Couric said on a talk show he would pinch her ass?


JAMES: Exactly, there was nothing they could’ve done. In other news, accused child molester Roy Moore is now leading Doug Jones in the polls for the Alabama Senate race which will be held December 12th.


KELLY: And Donald Trump is still the President.


JAMES: That’s right, Kelly. In other news, the Senate passed its version of a massive tax reform bill today, the bill passed 51-49, with only one Republican, Tennessee’s Bob Corker, opposing. The bill would slash the corporate tax rate from 35% to 20%, eliminate state and local tax deductions, and the tax cuts for the middle class it does have would end in eight years.


KELLY: Many Democrats complained that some of the bill’s revisions were scribbled onto the final piece of legislation by hand, in order to win votes last-minute. Republicans responded by saying that they don’t give a fuck what Democrats think, and they can go fuck themselves. They then violently gestured at their genitals while biting their upper lips.


KELLY: In other news, North Korea test fired a long-range ballistic missile on Tuesday, and although they are still six months to a year away from being able to nuclearize such a missile, it does prove they are more than able to reach the U.S. with an ICBM. For more on this-


(Jacob turns off the TV)


JACOB: Are you tired, Renee?


(Jacob sits next to Renee and Kyle)


RENEE: Of course, I am, Jacob, I’ve been on my feet all day.


JACOB: And yet, Kyle’s feet barely ever needs to touch the ground.


RENEE: That’s because he’s an angel.


KYLE: I’m an angel!


(Kyle and Renee giggle. Jacob clears his throat)

JACOB: Kyle, you’re a boy, that means you’re a wizard, not an angel.


RENEE: Boys can be angels! And Wizards are not the male versions of Angels. That’s witchcraft, which angels hate.


JACOB: Fine, then you’re a warlock.


(Kyle laughs, and Renee shakes her head)


RENEE: I’m going to sleep.


JACOB: Okay, good night.


(Jacob kisses Renee’s forehead, and she turns off the light. Cut to Jacob lying in bed with her and Kyle. They’re both asleep, but Jacob is wide awake. Jacob gets out of bed, and leaves the hotel room. Cut to Jacob, in a thick winter coat, sitting at an outdoor bar at the hotel. A similarly bundled up bartender is cleaning glasses. Jacob is smoking a cigarette, and drinking a beer. “Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield is playing faintly from an overhead speaker. Jacob puts out his cigarette. He then pulls out another one and puts it in his mouth. He reaches in his pocket, trying to find a lighter, but the bartender comes over and pulls his out)


BARTENDER: Need some help?


(Jacob nods and leans forward, as the bartender lights his cigarette with a U.S. Army lighter. Jacob inhales, and then exhales the smoke)


JACOB: Were you in the service?


(The bartender looks at his lighter)


BARTENDER: Oh, yeah, I guess I was. I try to forget about that.


(He puts the lighter away)


JACOB: I was stationed in the Kandahar province for six months. Deploying back in January.


BARTENDER: A lot of chicks over there?


JACOB: Surprisingly, yes.


BARTENDER: I’m Todd, by the way.


(Todd extends his hand)


JACOB: Jacob.


(They shake hands, as then relinquish each other’s grasp)


TODD: I was in Iraq during the first ground invasion.


JACOB: Oh my God.


TODD: It’s not as fun as they say.


JACOB: I don’t think they, say-


TODD: Do you have a wife? Or girlfriend?


JACOB: I have a wife. And a kid.


TODD: I had a wife when I was over there. I thought I would miss her. But I almost forgot about her.


JACOB: ...Really?


TODD: Yes. You get caught up in all the bloodshed, and the constant, constant games of “I, Spy”.


JACOB: You guys did that too? War is weirdly boring, isn’t it?


TODD: When I got home, I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer.


JACOB: Oh my God…I’m sorry to hear that…did she not know you were coming home?


(Todd shakes his head)


TODD: I wanted it to be a surprise. (Todd slams the bar) I even used a battering ram and everything.


JACOB: Hey, man, it’s okay. Just breathe.


TODD: I never should’ve left.


(Todd turns and goes back to washing the glass. Jacob looks down for a few moments, as the camera zooms in on him, slowly. The zoom ceases, as Jacob looks up)


JACOB: Todd. (Todd turns around) Punch me in the eyes.


(Todd squints)


TODD: …What?


JACOB: Punch me in the eyes! (Jacob stands up, and pats his eyes) Come on, take a swing!

TODD: Explain, Jacob.


JACOB: I can’t go back to Afghanistan. My family needs me. Destroy my vision! Come on!


TODD: …This isn’t an insurance trap, right?


JACOB: No, this would be a dumb way to do it. Punch me!


TODD: With like? Both my fists? In your eyes?


JACOB: Sure! Do it for my family! (Todd breathes heavily for about five seconds) Do it-


(Todd punches Jacob in both his eyes. He falls over, unconscious. Todd looks over the bar, at Jacob laying on the ground)


TODD: Oh, shit!

(Cut to Ryan, Alec and Tara at the bar, watching Brad and Robin dance as a bar patron sings “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie on karaoke. Ryan bitterly sips on his beer. Alec and Tara stare at Ryan as he sips on his beer for about twenty seconds)


TARA: …Do you wanna go get food?


ALEC: Yeah, let’s go. You coming Ryan?


RYAN: Sure, why the hell not?  (Ryan, Alec and Tara hop off their bar stools. They walk by Brad and Robin, and Ryan puts his hand on Robin’s shoulder, her and Brad stop dancing) Hey, guys, we’re going to get food, are you coming?


ROBIN: Sure!


BRAD: But, Robin, they haven’t gotten to my song yet, don’t you want to watch me?


(Ryan puts his hand on Robin’s back)


RYAN: She said she wanted to go eat, man.


BRAD: But I’m waiting for my song.


RYAN: Then stay here, and she can come with us.


(Brad squints)


ALEC: Hey, guys, let’s go.


RYAN: What do you want to do, Robin?


ROBIN: …I’ll go.


RYAN: Great.


(Ryan leads Robin towards the bar’s exit, as Alec and Tara move with them. Cut to Ryan, Alec, Robin and Tara leaving the bar)


TARA: We’ll go get the car and bring it around, you guys wait here, okay?


RYAN: Alright.


ALEC: You’ll be right here, right?


RYAN: Yes, shut up!


ALEC: Okay, I don’t want you to run off with a van full of nudists or something.


TARA: We’ll be back.


(Alec and Tara start walking. Ryan turns to Robin)


RYAN: Alec knows me too well. (Ryan chuckles, and then strokes Robin’s chin) You’re adorable, you know that?


ROBIN: You have a girlfriend, do you know that?


(Ryan drops his hand and steps back)


RYAN: …How did you-


ROBIN: Brad told me.


(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I apologize. I’m drunk.


(Robin shakes her head)


ROBIN: Don’t act like you wouldn’t do the same thing sober. (Robin scoffs) Go kick rocks.


(Robin walks back into the bar. Ryan stumbles over the curb and sits on it, with his head bowed, as the camera slowly zooms away from him. Cut to Irville Satch, lying in bed with Phoebe, still wearing their masks)


MAYOR SATCH: It’s so dang sweaty under this mask, Phoebe-


PHOEBE: Keep it on. I don’t need to know who just rocked my world.


MAYOR SATCH: Okay, fine.


PHOEBE: It’s a good thing your voice is so indistinct.


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah, I’ve been told I sound like Walter Cronkite. (Mayor Satch gets out of bed) I should go home. Thanks for…thank you.


PHOEBE: No problem, honey. Rest up. You’ve had a hard day.


(Irville nods, and walks out the door. Cut to the hallway. Mr. Schnitzler walks over to Irville and puts his arm around him)


MR. SCHNITZLER: How’d that feel, Mr. Mayor?


MAYOR SATCH: Come on, man, keep it down.


MR. SCHNITZLER: Sorry. How’d you feel though?


(Mayor Satch stops and turns to Schnitzler)


MAYOR SATCH: I feel shame.


MR. SCHNITZLER: Don’t. You’re powerful now. That’s what the mask is for.


MAYOR SATCH: Why do you guys do this?


MR. SCHNITZLER: Because. When you’re powerful, there are no consequences for your actions. Look at Roy Moore. He molested a kid and he’s six points ahead right now. I’m not saying we do any of that here, of course. That’s despicable, and I hope Doug Jones wins.


MAYOR SATCH: Yeah, bad example.


MR. SCHNITZLER: I’m just saying. Enjoy your privilege. That’s why we’re here.


(He pats Satch on the shoulder, and walks away. Cut to Mayor Satch in the back of his Uber, looking out the window, forlorn. Cut to him walking into his house to see Amy asleep on the couch, as CNN plays on the TV. Wolf Jake Tapper is speaking to Dana Bash as Alabama Senate Special Election results are on the screen in the background)


JAKE TAPPER: Much less that Doug Jones, uh, potentially, potentially, might even win this race in deep red Alabama.

DANA BASH: Jake, let’s just take a step back-


JAKE: Let’s go to Wolf Blitzer, for a second, I’m sorry.


(The CNN projection graphic pops up, and cuts to Wolf Blitzer in front of the giant screen showing a picture of Doug Jones, a checkmark next to him, with the words “CNN Projection- DOUG JONES ELECTED TO U.S. SENATE” in bold lettering)


WOLF: We have a major projection right now. And CNN projects Doug Jones, the Democrat, he will be the next United States Senator from Alabama, he beats Roy Moore in this, really, really, exciting contest. Doug Jones comes from behind, takes the lead, and now CNN projects, he will be the next Senator, first time in 25 years that a Democrat will be elected Senator from the state of Alabama, a ruby red state. A very Republican state, but Doug Jones. Doug Jones, is the winner, CNN projects that he is the winner in this race- this is a huge moment. A huge win for the Democrats. A huge setback for the President of the Unite States, uh-


(Satch smiles a bit, and turns the TV off. Mayor Satch leans over the couch, and kisses Amy on the cheek. He then walks into their bedroom. Cut to Irville in the shower, naked. He puts a bag over his head)


MAYOR SATCH: Don’t wanna get Mr. Stache wet…


(He turns on the shower. Cut to Amy on the couch, waking up. She looks around, and pulls a bejeweled mask from under the couch. She gets up, runs upstairs, pulls down an attic door, climbs up the ladder, and hides the mask in a box labeled “Happy Meal Toys (Back-Up xmas gifts)”. She then smiles, climbs down the ladder, and shuts the door. Cut to Jacob walking up in the hospital with two black eyes, with Renee, Kyle and a Doctor looking over him)


JACOB: …Am I legally blind?


RENEE: Jacob, what the hell happened?!

JACOB: I did this for you! Doctor, am I legally blind?


RENEE: Did this for me?!?!


(Kyle starts crying)


DOCTOR: You’re not legally blind, Mr. Donahue. You’ll just need glasses or contacts for the rest of your life.


(Jacob looks devastated)


JACOB: …Do they allow glasses or contacts in the military?


(The Doctor shakes his head, as Renee starts crying. Cut to Ryan, Alec and Tara on stage in some empty dive bar. Alec and Tara are testing out their instruments, while Ryan is tapping his microphone. Ryan looks at his phone and sees an article about Jones’ win. Ryan smiles)


RYAN: I still can’t believe that happened, I need to watch Roy Moore’s concession speech and jerk off to it later… (Ryan puts his phone away. Clarissa walks over holding an amp) Clarissa, could you bring that amp up here please?


(Clarissa shoots an ugly glare at Ryan)


CLARISSA: What do you think I’m doing?


(Ryan squints as Clarissa brings the amp on stage)


RYAN: I’m sorry, did I say something?


CLARISSA: I’m fine.


RYAN: Clarissa, what’s wrong?


CLARISSA: Nothing, I hardly even know you, what are you, my mom?


RYAN: What is it?


CLARISSA: …I thought I liked you, but you’re a creep, that’s what.


RYAN: Did Robin talk to you?




(Ryan sighs)


RYAN: I’m not a creep. I’m just…not a very good person.


CLARISSA: That makes me feel better.


RYAN: Clarissa, trust me, while I’m with Sarah, I’m off limits. I promise.


CLARISSA: …Just tell me one thing. Was it the alcohol or was it you?


RYAN: …It was me.


CLARISSA: …Good. Maybe we can get coffee one day. Just not soon, alright?


RYAN: …Alright. (Clarissa nods and walks away. Ryan turns to Alec and Tara) Do you guys wanna get fucked up after the show to celebrate Roy Moore’s defeat?


ALEC: Fuck yes.


(Cut to black)



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