“FRONT OR BACK”
“Some of the criminally inclined do seem friendly and warm and when the need arises they can turn on the charm”
(We start with Ethan and Kimberly at the dinner table, drinking coffee)
ETHAN: So, did you hear?
ETHAN: The Obamacare contraceptive and birth control mandate went into effect today. So, happy birthday, Madeline! Because of President Obama’s socialist program, you get to go be a whore!
KIMBERLY: Whoa, hold on now!
ETHAN: I’m just saying birth control leads to strumpetry.
KIMBERLY: Strumpetry? Is this 1922?
ETHAN: I’m just saying, I don’t want whores to take advantage of this free birth control nonsense.
KIMBERLY: Just because you take birth control doesn’t mean you’re a whore, you don’t take birth control every time you have sex, you take it every day just in case you have sex. Plus, some women need birth control for ovarian cysts.
ETHAN: I don’t care what crazy sex positions whores need birth control for.
KIMBERLY: First of all, ovarian cysts are not a sex position and secondly, you really think there are different birth controls for different sex positions?
ETHAN: Yeah! Every time we do doggy style I slip you a Flintstones vitamin.
KIMBERLY: What do you expect that to do?
ETHAN: I’m not sure exactly.
KIMBERLY: Is that why you sometimes scream “Yabba-dabba-doo” during sex?
ETHAN: Yeah, that may have something to do with it.
KIMBERLY: Okay, please don’t do that anymore.
KIMBERLY: Also, I read an article on MSNBC.com this morning showing that two house Republicans compared August 1, 2012 to September 11, 2001 and December 7, 1941 because of the mandate.
ETHAN: Yeah, all three of them are bad days.
KIMBERLY: For them, maybe! And I’ve had a few bad days but none of them were 9/11 bad. I haven’t had a day where I lost my keys and 3,000 innocent people died in front of me. Plus, the Japanese-American Senator from Hawaii, Daniel Inouye condemned the statements.
ETHAN: He’s just offended because he was one of the kamikazes that attacked Pearl Harbor!
KIMBERLY: No he wasn’t! He was a-
ETHAN: He was just offended because they’re calling December 7, 1941 a bad day! (Bronx accent) “Hey, why you insulting my talents, huh?”
KIMBERLY: So many things to pick up on here, first of all, you didn’t even try to do a Japanese accent there, second of all, he was a medical volunteer at Pearl Harbor when the attack happened, third of all, if he was kamikaze how would he still be alive, fourth of all, he’s a decorated war hero and fifth of all, oh my God, that’s so offensive!
ETHAN: At least I didn’t pull a Harry Reid and say Mitt Romney’s dead dad is embarrassed for his son!
(Rob walks into the shot with coffee)
ROB: Nice one, Ethan.
ETHAN: Hey, shut up, Rob.
(Madeline comes in)
MADELINE: Guess who’s nineteen today?
(Jacob and Ryan enter with buckets of confetti and Jacob pours out the entire bucket)
RYAN: Dude, what are you doing?
RYAN: You’re supposed to throw it gradually, now there’s just a big pile of confetti on the floor, that’s not fun.
ETHAN: One, two, three, four!
ETHAN, KIMBERLY, ROB, JACOB AND RYAN: (Singing) Happy birthday, happy, happy birthday! Happy birthday, happy happy day!
(Everybody cheers and Jacob knocks over Ryan’s bucket of confetti)
RYAN: What the fuck?
MADELINE: Thanks guys! But why did you sing the Birthday song they use for movies and TV shows to avoid copyright issues?
ETHAN: Because you never know when a lawyer might be right around the corner. (The camera pans to the left to reveal a lawyer peaking from behind a wall) Oh damnit. (Ethan grabs a broom and hits the lawyer in the ass with it, trying to shoo him away) Get out! Git! (The lawyer leaves and Ethan puts the broom away) Anyway, Happy Birthday, Maddie.
RYAN: Happy Birthday, sis.
JACOB: Happy B-day.
MADELINE: Thanks, gu-
KIMBERLY: Happy birthday.
MADELINE: Thanks. So-
ROB: Happy Birthday.
MADELINE: Yeah, okay. Listen, I will receive your gifts at a later time, but for now, I am going to use my debit card to make some purchases for myself.
RYAN: Where do you get money from? Out of the three of us, I’m the only one who has a job.
MADELINE: Yeah, but my ex-boyfriend is Jewish and knows to run a business. And he has one.
JACOB: And why would he give you money from his business?
MADELINE: Because he’s desperate to get me back.
RYAN: And you’re taking advantage of that?
MADELINE: Advantage is not a word I would use; I would say I’m making use of his charity with the pretense that I might get back with him if he keeps giving me money.
ETHAN: That’s cold.
MADELINE: Well dad, would you prefer that I bribe somebody to meet your ethical standards?
ETHAN: Fair enough.
RYAN: Well, just remember to check your debit card account every so often to make sure nothing’s awry.
RYAN: It’s just a responsible thing to do.
MADELINE: Oh. Okay.
KIMBERLY: Happy birthday, Maddie.
(Madeline leaves the room. Cut to Jacob talking on the phone in his room while sitting on his bed)
JACOB: Listen, I don’t care about Logan, he’s a crazy person. He knocked out the principal three and a half months ago. (Cut to Ryan walking by Jacob’s room with Michelle, Sarah and Brennan. They hear the following through the door) So Logan and his psycho buddies are riding their bikes around the neighborhood with their shirts off, that doesn’t provide a threat to our operation. (They all stop)
(They all put their ears to the door)
JACOB: I realize that Logan is making a dent in our main source of income, but there are other ways to get money so you guys can get revenge on Brennan. (The four of their eyes become wide) I’ll talk to Ross, but I doubt he’ll budge, Phillip. Okay. Okay, bye.
(Jacob hangs up. Ryan, Sarah, Michelle and Brennan run into Ryan’s room and close the door. They all sit on his bed, still shocked)
RYAN: (Whispering) What is going on? Why is Jacob conspiring with Dirk’s Warriors?
BRENNAN: (Whispering) I don’t know, but it’s bullshit! A month and a half ago those psychos basically tried to kill me!
SARAH: (Whispering) What is Logan doing in a gang of shirtless men?
RYAN: (Whispering) I don’t know, wasn’t he in a mental institution from age 14 to 17?
SARAH: (Whispering) Yeah, his girlfriend was hit by a train.
RYAN: (Whispering) Are mental institutions similar to prisons?
SARAH: (Whispering) I don’t know, what are you implying?
RYAN: (Whispering) I’m implying that the reason he’s in a gang of shirtless men is either because he had to go gay to survive in crazy person prison OR he recently reconnected with fellow crazy people from a gang he formed while in that looney bin over Facebook.
SARAH: (Whispering) I would actually believe both of those things.
MICHELLE: What are we going to do?
BRENNAN: (Whispering) Whoa!
RYAN: (Whispering) Too loud!
SARAH: (Whispering) Way too loud.
MICHELLE: (Whispering) Sorry. What are we going to do?
RYAN: (Whispering) There’s nothing we can do. Except spy on them and then confront Jacob about it.
MICHELLE: (Whispering) Okay, so there is something we can do.
RYAN: Yeah, I guess. Let’s go!
(They all leave the room. Cut to Piers Morgan on the set of “Piers Morgan Tonight” during a show)
PIERS MORGAN: Welcome back to Piers Morgan Tonight. My next guest is the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, which is a moderately sized town in the outskirts of Burlington. About two weeks ago he and his chief of staff Ethan Donahue were accused of bribery, blackmail and wasting local taxpayer money. To defend himself and tell us about exciting new frontiers in Hansbay, please welcome Mayor Brian Sarandon. (Piers turns to Brian) Thank you for coming on, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you for having me, Piers.
PIERS: Mr. Mayor, these accusations levied at you and a member of your staff are quite serious. Yet you have consistently denied them as hearsay. Tell me, how do you plan to combat this?
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, Piers, these allegations are completely erroneous. I did not reveal myself to Vice Chairwoman Edelman, although she would probably be impressed with what she saw, and I would certainly not allow my Chief of Staff to bribe her to keep quiet about it.
PIERS: Well, she hasn’t kept quiet about it; she recently told the Hansbay Quintessential that on the afternoon of June 6, 2012, you revealed yourself to her in your office.
MAYOR SARANDON: How do you know she didn’t mean reveal myself as in, reveal my true feelings and inner emotions about the good people of Hansbay, Vermont?
PIERS: She specifically said “He rose from his desk to reveal he was not wearing pants nor underwear, therefore drunkenly exposing his flaccid penis to both me and his chief of staff.”
MAYOR SARANDON: Anything bad that ever happens to me is politically motivated, so that’s politically motivated.
PIERS: How refreshing.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on Erin Burnett: Out Front)
MAYOR SARANDON: You are…just dazzling.
ERIN BURNETT: Thank you.
MAYOR SARANDON: Do you have a boyfriend?
ERIN BURNETT: I’m engaged to a Citi Group executive.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, when he gets indicted, give me a call.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the O’Reilly factor)
BILL O’REILLY: Why are these dirty liberal Marxists going after you?
MAYOR SARANDON: Because I’m an easy target and it’s an election year. I mean, you imagine these Democrats on the city council walking into a room full of ganja smoke, and there’s this kid in the corner lightly tapping a drum. They all yell out ideas on how to go after me while their male leader tears off bits off scraps of a chicken wing with his teeth all while the drum-tapping becomes increasingly louder and fast-paced when suddenly, BOOM! They come up with a golden idea to take me down and they cook the kid tapping the drum in the corner.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on The View)
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m gonna go.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on Fox and Friends)
STEVE DOOCY: Mr. Mayor, how do we know that President Obama didn’t take off your pants when you accidentally revealed yourself to Vice Chair Edelman?
MAYOR SARANDON: We don’t! (Cut to Mayor Sarandon on the Rachel Maddow’s show) On Fox and Friends I was not saying that I did reveal myself to Ms. Edelman, I was just saying that if someone ever gets proof, that’s what happened.
RACHEL MADDOW: Wow.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon with Piers)
MAYOR SARANDON: I was told I was going on Larry King Live.
PIERS MORGAN: He’s been off the air for some time.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I at least deserve to be on Seinfeld.
PIERS MORGAN: That’s a sitcom, and it’s also been off the air for some time.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on The Daily Show)
MAYOR SARANDON: Jon, I am such a fan of your guile and wit.
JON STEWART: I appreciate that. Did you expose your genitalia to Ms. Edelman?
MAYOR SARANDON: Let me show you something, Jon.
(Mayor Sarandon starts to get up)
JON STEWART: Don’t stand up!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on Fox and Friends)
GRETCHEN CARLSON: You know, I just googled you, and you’re the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, a Republican serving since 2001. And apparently, a Mayor is someone who directs the operations and presides over a town or municipality.
MAYOR SARANDON: …Jesus. Weren’t you a valedictorian?
BRIAN KILMEADE: She was a valedictorian?! TAKE HER AWAY!
(Producers come on set, cover her head with a black bag and walk her off set. Cut to Mayor Sarandon with Rachel Maddow)
MAYOR SARANDON: My girlfriend is backstage; would you be willing to make out with her on camera?
RACHEL: Absolutely not.
MAYOR SARANDON: You don’t have to use tongue.
RACHEL: That’s not why I don’t want to do it.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon on Piers Morgan)
MAYOR SARANDON: Piers, I am focusing on jobs. Farmella Contracting and I have made a deal to build a museum in Hansbay, Vermont that will create jobs and get tourism. Surrounding it will be more tourist traps than you or your crooked teeth can handle.
PIERS MORGAN: My teeth aren’t that bad.
MAYOR SARANDON: Plus, and this is a big announcement, Hansbay, Vermont will be making a bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics.
PIERS MORGAN: …Excuse me?
MAYOR SARANDON: You are excused.
PIERS MORGAN: You want the 2024 Summer Olympics to be held in a state which is notoriously frigid and in a town of 35,000 people?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.
PIERS MORGAN: Do you realize London has eight million people?
MAYOR SARANDON: Uh-
PIERS MORGAN: Beijing has 19 million people.
MAYOR SARANDON: Right, but-
PIERS MORGAN: Athens has 3 million, Sydney has 4 million, Atlanta has 420,000-
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, well you know what those cities don’t have? Heart. Hansbay has heart. In fact, that’s going to be our motto from now onward. We’re going to host the 2024 Olympics. It’s 88 degrees in Hansbay so weather won’t be a problem, and we only have thunderstorms a couple times a week, so-
PIERS MORGAN: Do you have a venue?
MAYOR SARANDON: We have the Hansbay High School gymnasium.
PIERS MORGAN: Yeah, that’ll do it.
MAYOR SARANDON: You know what? It’s twelve years from now, so we’ll build a goddamn stadium and another thing, we could probably fit every one of your viewers into that gymnasium and have room left over, so take that you British fuck.
(Cut to Ethan, Tim and the rest of the staff watching Mayor Sarandon on TV)
ETHAN: Jesus Christ…
TIM: Is he really serious about holding the 2024 Olympics here?
ETHAN: Apparently. He called me at 3am last night demanding we “give the torch to Hansbay” and “let Michael Phelps hot box his office.”
SOME CO-WORKER: Does he really think Phelps will still be competing when he’s 39?
TIM: I don’t know, but you know what I love the most about the Olympics? Seeing the Chinese gymnasts mess up and then be given the cold shoulder by their coaches.
SOME CO-WORKER: (Stereotypical Chinese accent) You bring disgrace to glorious People’s Republic! Now go chalk up your hands for the ritual Hari Kari.
ETHAN: I think Hari Kari is Japanese, Mason, plus, aren’t you the HR guy?
TIM: Do we have money to build a stadium?
ETHAN: It doesn’t matter, he’s delusional. There’s no way we’re getting the 2024 games, he’s just trying to distract the public from the scandal.
TIM: Isn’t that what the museum is for?
ETHAN: Yeah, but he’s doubling down.
TIM: Or doubling up.
ETHAN: No, that makes no sense.
TIM: Yeah, I guess not.
ETHAN: Why do you talk?
(Cut to Madeline looking at her debit card account, worried. Kyle comes in wearing a suit with a wad of cash)
MADELINE: AHH! (She turns around) Jesus, Kyle, you scared me.
KYLE: Sorry. Anyway, here is your share.
(Kyle hands over the wad of cash to Madeline)
MADELINE: Thank you very much. L’chaim!
MADELINE: Because you’re Jewish.
KYLE: (Laughs) Oh! Because you see, in Jewish law, screaming “L’chiam” means you just got married.
MADELINE: Right. But don’t you have to break a glass or something?
(Kyle knocks over a glass on Madeline’s desk and smashes it with his foot, sending glass flying)
MADELINE: JESUS CHRIST, KYLE!
KYLE: He is not involved in this.
MADELINE: We did not just get married.
KYLE: Yes we did. Have you ever read the Torah?
MADELINE: No. Have you?
KYLE: I read the Spark Notes.
MADELINE: There’s a spark notes for the Torah?
KYLE: Listen, maybe we didn’t get married, but I am giving you cash from my business, which constitutes a legal marriage in some Israeli provinces.
MADELINE: Kyle, just let it go! It was almost two months ago!
KYLE: But…c’mon, I love you!
MADELINE: No you don’t.
KYLE: Yes I do!
MADELINE: Kyle, have you even changed your name back?
KYLE: The paperwork is going through right now.
MADELINE: Oh my God, your name is still Kyle Donaberg?
MADELINE: Kyle, we’re done. We’re over. Let’s just be friends.
MADELINE: Okay, great.
KYLE: What are you doing here, friend?
MADELINE: Well, (She turns to her computer) some punk-ass company has been pilfering my money, charging me 54.99 a month for stuff I never bought!
MADELINE: Yeah, apparently I bought a “stuffed leopard leg” in May 2012.
KYLE: You’ve always loved taxidermy.
MADELINE: In June 2012 I bought an iPab 3.
KYLE: (Laughs) What?
MADELINE: (Laughs) I don’t know! It’s like the person who wrote this was 90 years old!
KYLE: Well in all seriousness, this is quite an outrage.
MADELINE: Yeah it is. On my birthday too!
KYLE: Oh yeah, it’s your birthday today!
MADELINE: Yes it is. I’m nineteen years old.
KYLE: Happy Birthday. Sorry that this had to happen on your birthday.
MADELINE: Yeah, it sucks. But I’m glad you came down.
KYLE: Yeah. You know what? What’s the company that’s charging you called?
MADELINE: “Unassuming Enterprises”.
KYLE: Wow, who would ever expect? See if they have a website.
(Madeline turns to the computer, types in www.unassumingenterprises.com, and it directs her to a website for Unassuming Enterprises)
MADELINE: I’m on the website.
KYLE: Cool. Now get their number and let’s call them up.
(Kyle takes out his cell phone)
(Kyle dials the number)
OPERATOR: (On the phone) Thank you for calling the corporate office.
KYLE: Wow, real specific. Yes, you have been pilfering my ex-girlfriend’s fortune through your deceitful ways by charging her account for weird stuff she never bought.
OPERATOR: I can take down your number and have the accounting department give you a call.
KYLE: How about you just transfer me there, right now?
OPERATOR: They’re too busy right now dealing with other customers, because they’re not multiple jars of jam with googley eyes attached to them.
KYLE: You would not go to such lengths to describe something that isn’t the case, sir. I am insulted. You have insulted me. Goodbye.
(Kyle hangs up)
MADELINE: We showed them.
MADELINE: Should we call the bank or the police now?
KYLE: No, I have an idea.
(Kyle dials the number again)
OPERATOR: Hello, thank you for calling the corporate office, how can I help you?
KYLE: Hi, I am Robert Mueller, the director of the FBI. (Madeline holds in her laughter) It has come to our attention that you have been pilfering money from unsuspecting citizens by charging their accounts without their consent. We thought it appropriate to let you know we’re launching a full investigation.
OPERATOR: Okay, wow, I don’t even know what to do in this situation. Um…I’ll hand you over to my supervisor.
KYLE: Hi, I’m Robert Mueller, the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation and I was wondering how much you enjoy anal rape, because you’re going to be receiving a lot of it soon.
SUPERVISOR: Listen, just give me your name and number and we’ll call you back.
KYLE: My name is Robert Mueller, and my number is on the FBI website.
SUPERVISOR: We need you to give us the number right now so we can call you back.
KYLE: You know how to use the internet, okay? You’re going downtown, sister. GOODBYE!
(Kyle hangs up and they both crack up. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah and Michelle in Ryan’s Corolla with Ryan driving. They are all trying to be very covert while following Jacob’s Buick)
MICHELLE: Are we almost there?
RYAN: (Whispering) You got to be quieter, Michelle, and I have no idea if we’re almost there or not because we’re just following Jacob.
(Sarah looks out the window)
SARAH: What the fuck?
(Pan to a shirtless Logan wearing red skinny jeans on a bike with Lamar, Max and Daniel on bikes behind him, also shirtless, except for Daniel)
RYAN: That’s a good question.
(Jacob’s car parks in a driveway and Ryan’s car parallel parks on the side of the street. Jacob gets out of the car and Logan and his friends park their bikes. They start talking)
SARAH: What are they doing?
BRENNAN: They could be meeting to commit group suicide.
RYAN: (Sarcastically) Yeah, that’s what they’re doing. (Phillip, Aaron and Grimes come out of the house and meet with Jacob) SON OF A BITCH! (Ryan jumps out of the car with Brennan, Sarah and Michelle) AH-HAH!
JACOB: RYAN! Hey, buddy, what are you doing here?
RYAN: The real question is, what are YOU doing here?
JACOB: Ryan, it’s not what it looks like, we’re just wrestling!
RYAN: I DIDN’T CATCH YOU HAVING SEX; I CAUGHT YOU CONSPIRING WITH THE PEOPLE TRYING TO KILL MY FRIEND!
JACOB: Ryan, I was never on board with killing Brennan, I was just helping them hurt Brennan physically, I specifically said no killing.
BRENNAN: When did you join Dirk’s Warriors?
JACOB: About a month and a half ago,
JACOB: Because Kirsten told me to get a hobby. I was walking the streets when this Phillip guy told me about Dirk’s Warriors, so I joined.
RYAN: So your HOBBY is beating the shit out of my friend at the Hot Topic?!
JACOB: No, I never beat him up, you saw who beat him up, it wasn’t me!
BRENNAN: Yeah, you just told them where I was!
PHILLIP: Yeah, we sent your dog into your room with a microphone attached to his collar.
JACOB: Phillip, why would you tell them that?!
RYAN: You asshole. YOU CONSPIRED WITH THE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO KILL MY FRIEND AS A HOBBY?! YOU TOLD THEM WHERE HE WAS SO THEY COULD BEAT HIM UP?!
JACOB: Ryan, I’m sorry!
RYAN: TAKE YOUR SORRY AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! All this time I thought you were the only one in our family who really knows me. Maybe you didn’t understand me, but you were more willing to help me than dad, Madeline or even mom! But now, I just feel like hitting you.
(Phillip, Aaron and Grimes take out their switch blades)
JACOB: Jesus guys, put the switchblades away!
(Phillip, Aaron and Grimes put away their switchblades)
PHILLIP: Listen, as much as we’re enjoying this little family feud, we need to make a deal with these guys here.
SARAH: Yeah, Logan, what are you doing?
LOGAN: I am the lead member of the “Mostly Shirtless” gang! Woo! We go around terrorizing the neighborhood by chasing dogs and riding our bikes through people’s lawns.
LOGAN: Because we’re badasses!
SARAH: Why aren’t you guys wearing shirts?
LOGAN: Because it’s like 90 degrees out here!
SARAH: Yeah, but your also wearing tight red skinny jeans, which kind of defeats the point of not having a shirt to begin with.
SARAH: Also, why is one guy wearing a shirt?
LOGAN: He’s modest, but he has kick-ass side abs.
DANIEL: You see, my shirt is cut down the side-(Daniel turns around to show a slit in the side of his shirt) to just give you a haste of Danny G!
LOGAN: Look at those side abs! Soak ‘em in, Sar-bear!
SARAH: Why am I still dating you?
LOGAN: Fuck if I know.
PHILLIP: Can we focus? Okay? We’re making a deal with the Mostly Shirtless gang to share profits from selling drugs with us.
LOGAN: Yeah, we’ve made a considerable dent in their drug income.
(Ryan lunges at Jacob, but Jacob holds his head while he flails. After a few seconds he backs off)
RYAN: I don’t need this! Michelle, Sarah and Brennan, we will stop these gang killers. Now watch this drive.
(Ryan takes a golf club and swings it at a copy of the movie “Drive” which is on a tee in front of him. It then goes off in the distance)
MICHELLE: Where did you get that?
RYAN: Let’s get out of here.
(Ryan, Brennan, Sarah and Michelle get back in Ryan’s car and drive away)
JACOB: I hereby tender my resignation as Deputy Assistant of Sales for the Northeast Region of Dirk’s Warriors.
PHILLIP: First of all, that isn’t your title, second of all, why would you make yourself an assistant?
JACOB: I’m sorry, but I have to leave this, my brother’s right.
AARON: We’ll miss you, Jacob. Fist pound?
(Jacob and Aaron high-five. Cut to Ethan in Mayor Sarandon’s office)
ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, you really dug us into a hole, here. You called me with the Olympics idea at 3am last night and I thought you would forget about it in your drunken stupor, but then you blurted it out on live television.
MAYOR SARANDON: I should’ve drank some coffee before I went on, I know, but I couldn’t get it out of my head, it’s like that jingle, (singing) Chili’s…really good ribs.
ETHAN: That’s not how it goes, man…
MAYOR SARANDON: Tangity sauce!
ETHAN: In what dictionary is that a word?
MAYOR SARANDON: Urban dictionary, for the poon-doggle inclined!
ETHAN: Let’s focus. We don’t have the money, nor the venue, nor the money for the venue or the venue for the money. Capiche?
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re breaking my ivory nuts here, Ethan.
ETHAN: Your nuts are none of my concern. We don’t have the resources, let’s stick to the museum.
MAYOR SARANDON: I ordered like two tons of chalk the other day for the gymnasts!
ETHAN: Why would you do that without consulting me?!
MAYOR SARANDON: I ordered the chalk before I came up with the Olympics idea, for a different reason.
ETHAN: What possible reason would you have?
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, it all started when I was a boy watching the chalk dust settle on my teacher’s bosom-
ETHAN: Okay, I don’t need to know, just end it. End it now.
MAYOR SARANDON: I need to research how to make a bid for the 2024 games. Bring up EBay, I just found out about it. It’s the hot new thing of the mid-90s.
ETHAN: That’s not how it works.
MAYOR SARANDON: Print me up some “Hansbay 2024” t-shirts. I want the logo to look like a uterus.
MAYOR SARANDON: Because we’re celebrating the new birthing of a new era in Hansbay.
(Ethan puts his head into his hands, takes a deep breath then lifts his head up again)
ETHAN: I’ll get on that.
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re going to have to print the shirts somewhere else, my printer’s broken.
(Ethan leaves the room. Cut to Madeline and Kyle in Madeline’s room, they’re laughing it up)
KYLE: That does sound like McCauley Culkin choking on a bean sprout!
MADELINE: I know!
(Kyle’s phone rings, and Kyle answers it)
MAN: (Unassuming voice) Yes, this is…Bill.
KYLE: Are you unsure?
BILL: NO! I just had something in my throat. I’m from the Libary association of America, and I was wondering when you’re going to return that book.
KYLE: What is the book called?
BILL: The book is called..the book’s title is…the name of the book is “You Smell like a Gym Teacher, unabridged”. (Snickers and laughs)
KYLE: Right…who published that book?
BILL: Harper Collins. (Snickers)
KYLE: What year was it published?
BILL: (Snickers) 2004!
KYLE: What’s the Dewy Decimal number for it?
BILL: (Snickers) 82-B! (Snickers more)
KYLE: Yeah, who is this?
BILL: Your plumber! Can I have a tip, please? (Snickers further)
KYLE: Wow, you’re really bad at this.
BILL: So is your gay weed dad! (Snickers)
KYLE: What? Who is this?
BILL: It’s Unassuming Enterprises, and you just got pranked back, son!
KYLE: Wow, nice job.
BILL: So is your mom!
(He cracks up and hangs up)
MADELINE: Yeah, they really got us.
KYLE: (Chuckles) Yeah that hurt.
MADELINE: Yeah. You know what I used to do when I was younger?
MADELINE: I would open this window and use my sheets to scale the wall down to the ground in the middle of the night, and then I would get in the car that was waiting for me.
KYLE: Couldn’t you have just gone out the front door?
MADELINE: (Laughs) This was more exciting!
KYLE: (Laughs) That’s great. (Pause) Want to do that right now?
KYLE: Yeah, let’s try it.
(Kyle opens the window and Madeline ties her sheets to her bed. They both grab the sheets and scale their way down the brick wall while nervously laughing. They get down to the ground and all the sheets fall out the window, leaving them laughing even more)
KYLE: (Laughing) Damnit! Well, at least we made it!
MADELINE: (Laughing) Yeah. (The laughing calms down, and they are facing each other. After a few seconds, Kyle leans in for a kiss, but Madeline blocks his lips with her hand) Kyle, what are you doing?
KYLE: I, uh…don’t know.
MADELINE: Well, we’re not dating anymore, okay? This is nice. Let’s not ruin it.
KYLE: …Okay. That’s…fine. Um, I just remembered I have a dentist’s appointment in the oven, so I gotta go.
KYLE: Bye. Happy birthday.
(Kyle walks away, leaving Madeline confused. The camera pans out as “Boyz in the Hood acoustic version” by Dynamite Hack starts playing. Cut to Kyle putting 200 dollars into an envelope labeled “MADELINE C. DONAHUE, 1190 MILK RIVER DRIVE, HANSBAY, VERMONT, UNITED STATES, 05401”. He looks at it for a little while, but then throws it away in anger. Cut to Ethan putting a copy of the Hansbay Quintessential on Mayor Sarandon’s desk reading “NEW EVIDENCE IN SARANDON-GATE” when Mayor Sarandon lifts up his dress shirt to show the “Hansbay 2024, Birthing a new era in Hansbay” uterus shirt and then spins around, lifts up the back of his dress shirt to show the slogan, “Hansbay Has Heart”, prompting Ethan to rub his temples. Cut to Logan talking to someone on a headset at his desk, with a placard on his desk reading ”LOGAN W. DEMINT, SENIOR SALESPERSON, UNASSUMING ENTERPRISES” while Phillip watches from behind. Cut to Jacob knocking on Ryan’s door, to no response, prompting him to sink down to the floor and holds his head in his hands. Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob, Ryan and Madeline sitting around the dinner table while Madeline blows out her candles. Jacob and Ryan are on complete opposite sides of the table while Ethan and Madeline smile through their stress. Then cut to Phillip at a dry-erase board in front of the Dirk’s Warriors. He has drawn stick figure versions of Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline, Ryan and Jacob and has written “The Donahues” above it and put a circle and line through them. Fade to black)
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Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
Short Story / Mystery and Crime
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