“We get everything we ever wanted, but all we do is throw it away, like it’s another day letting our lives go in a simple way”
(We start with Ryan in an elevator with Mallart Bond and Michelle)
RYAN: Do you think we should like, use my shoe lace to slide down the shaft and get out of here, Mallart?
MALLART: (Voice of Kimberly) Yeah, we should probably do that.
(Suddenly, Ryan is Matt LeBlanc)
MATT LEBLANC: (Ryan’s voice) Okay. Michelle, hand me my shoes.
MICHELLE: Okay, Ryan.
(Suddenly the elevator stops)
MALLART BOND: What happened?
(Matt LeBlanc becomes Ryan again)
RYAN: I don’t know. Pry the doors open.
(Mallart pries the door open to reveal a floor full of snails slithering everywhere. A black guy with a kindle and an afro is throwing blood-covered bread on the ground)
BLACK GUY: I’m feeding them.
RYAN: Okay. Where’s the nearest RYAN? RYAN!!!
(Cut to Ryan asleep in his bed. Madeline is shaking him)
(Ryan wakes and sits up)
RYAN: Agh! What?
MADELINE: Wake up!
RYAN: I’m awake! What time is it?
(Madeline looks at her phone, which reads “MONDAY AUGUST 6 2012 12:01 PM”)
MADELINE: It’s noon.
RYAN: Then why the fuck are you waking me up?
MADELINE: Didn’t you have to be at work like two hours ago?
RYAN: Maddie, my girlfriend is my boss! I come in late all the time.
MADELINE: Well, she’s called like forty times since eleven o’clock and by that time you were already an hour late.
RYAN: Yeah, she doesn’t have very high expectations of me.
MADELINE: No kidding.
RYAN: Fine, I’ll get dressed and go to work.
MADELINE: Great. That way I can stop answering the home phone.
RYAN: We still have a home phone?
MADELINE: Yeah, but the only people who ever call are telemarketers, wrong numbers and those stupid charitable organizations who want me to give the fleece zip-up that fit me when I was eight to some poor kid in downtown Burlington.
RYAN: Why wouldn’t you?
MADELINE: Because I put it on Chinaberry and gave him a cigar so I could reenact the dogs playing poker painting. But it turns out he ate most of the sweater. So what? Do poor kids in Burlington want a half-eaten sweater?!
RYAN: I have to go to work.
MADELINE: Yeah, you do.
(Madeline leaves the room as Ryan walks into his bathroom. Cut to Kyle, Britney, Elisa, Lilly, Adam and Kirsten in Adam’s room. Britney is three months pregnant and it is somewhat noticeable)
ADAM: Thanks for coming over, guys.
KYLE: No problem.
ADAM: I don’t remember inviting you.
KYLE: Well…Britney, how is the baby?
BRITNEY: Well, I’m three months pregnant, so I have to change things up.
KYLE: In what manner?
BRITNEY: You know, I’ve been reading “What to suspect when you’re…whatever.”
ADAM: Have you actually bought that book?
BRITNEY: Not technically.
KYLE: Kirsten, how are you and Jacob?
KIRSTEN: We’ve been dating for three months now, and-
KYLE: You know what I heard about Madeline?
KYLE: I heard that she does spray paint.
BRITNEY: Like, vandalism?
KYLE: No, like huffs spray paint.
ADAM: Wow. I can see why she’s going to that interior decorating school.
BRITNEY: Yeah, her nose needs some interior decorating.
(They all chuckle)
KYLE: Yeah. She’s also dyslexic, bipolar, sickle-cell anemic and half-wolf.
KIRSTEN: Don’t only black people get sickle cell anemia?
KYLE: Wow, I said she was half-wolf and that’s the rumor you question?
KIRSTEN: So she’s not half-wolf?
KYLE: No, she is! She is!
ADAM: Didn’t you use to have sex with her? Wouldn’t you have noticed she was half-wolf?
KYLE: She always kept her socks on during sex. I found out it because she was hiding wolf paws.
(Cut to Kyle talking to Logan and Sarah on a bench in the park. Logan and Sarah are holding hands)
KYLE: I heard Madeline ate dog when she was living in Indonesia.
LOGAN: Where’s that bitch’s birth certificate?
(Cut to Kyle talking to Ross and Beckett in a public bathroom. All three of them are washing their hands)
KYLE: Ross, Beckett, Madeline can rip a phone book in half.
BECKETT: That’s kind of cool, actually.
KYLE: You don’t think it makes her sound like a dyke at all?
ROSS: Now that I think about it, yeah, it does kind of.
BECKETT: Where’s that dyke’s birth certificate?
(Cut to Elisa and Kirsten talking to Brennan and Scott in a dentist’s office, with a kid being treated in the background by a dentist)
KIRSTEN: So, apparently Madeline dated the World of Warcraft Freak out kid.
BRENNAN: Wow, really? Is she into the whole remote thing?
ELISA: (Stupid teenage girl voice) And I heard that she had sex with a tree.
SCOTT: A tree? Really? Which one?
(Cut to Scott and Peter talking to a tree)
SCOTT: Hey, did Madeline have sex with you?
TREE: (Really Kyle behind the tree using fake gruff voice) Yeah, I had sex with that slut.
SCOTT: I told you, Peter!
PETER: How was it, tree?
TREE: (Still Kyle using a fake voice) Amazing…she’s so beautiful and sexy and…(loses the voice) just the most wonderful person I’ve ever…I mean, (Clears throat, regains the voice) she barked up the WRONG tree, let me tell you that.
PETER: Bye, tree!
(Scott and Peter leave, and Kyle comes out from behind the tree, smiling)
KYLE: It’s working!
(Cut to Trey Horn talking to Mayor Sarandon and Farmer John riding in a train boxcar)
TREY: I heard Madeline Donahue stole the Declaration of Independence and the Magna Carta and used them to wrap a burrito.
FARMER JOHN: What in tarnation? That’s amazin’.
MAYOR SARANDON: I heard that she’s an anti-Semitic and the grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan’s Chittenden County Branch. She’s part of the sisterhood of the traveling sheets.
FARMER JOHN: I heard she broke Kyle Donaberg’s heart when she broke up with him two months ago.
TREY: That I don’t really care about as much.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah.
FARMER JOHN: Yeah, me neither.
MAYOR SARANDON: How the fuck did the three of us get on this train?
(Cut to Phillip, Aaron, Grimes and other members of Dirk’s Warriors holding hands in a dark room with candles and pictures of Dirk Jameson everywhere, holding a séance)
PHILLIP: Dirk, Madeline is 23 years old; she was held back four times.
DIRK’S GHOSTLY VOICE: No way!
(Cut to Dean talking to Michelle at Hot Topic behind the counter)
DEAN: Madeline puts salt on macaroni.
MICHELLE: That’s great, where the hell is Ryan?
DEAN: I don’t know. I get a pre-recorded message from him every Tuesday saying he’s sick, so…
MICHELLE: Yeah, but it’s Monday!
(Ryan comes in, holding Starbucks)
RYAN: Hello, fellow Hot Topic employees.
(Ryan goes in for a kiss from Michelle, but Michelle stops him)
MICHELLE: Ryan, what the hell?
MICHELLE: You can’t keep being late like this!
RYAN: Relax, Michelle, I had pressing business I had to attend to.
MICHELLE: What does the even mean?
RYAN: It’s like business, that just comes up suddenly and it’s…pressing.
MICHELLE: Madeline told me you slept until noon.
RYAN: …I dreamed about you?
MICHELLE: Jesus, Ryan, you can’t keep taking advantage of your girlfriend being your boss!
RYAN: I’m not taking advantage, I’m just really stressed.
RYAN: I have anxiety and-
RYAN: I’m going to have a panic attack! You’re going to give me a panic attack!
MICHELLE: Ryan, this isn’t going to work.
(Ryan starts hyperventilating, puts down his coffee and sits down in a nearby chair)
DEAN: Michelle, I think he’s really having a panic attack!
MICHELLE: No, he’s not; he does this all the time.
RYAN: (In between breathes) MICHELLE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BUT I’M FREAKING OUT, I FEEL HELPLESS-
MICHELLE: Oh my God…
RYAN: I THINK I’M GOING TO DIE…
MICHELLE: Ryan, you don’t have panic attacks!
RYAN: I NEED SOME AIR. I’M GONNA-(Two scene kids come in and Ryan stands up) welcome to Hot Topic, this week we have a twenty percent discount on all belts.
SCENE KID: Cool.
(They walk past Ryan and Michelle)
MICHELLE: Wow, quick recovery, huh?
RYAN: Yeah…I don’t have panic attacks.
MICHELLE: Ryan, you can’t keep doing this! Ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf?
DEAN: Is the wolf your sister Madeline?
RYAN: …Excuse me?
DEAN: Oh. Um…sorry, I guess you didn’t hear about-what’s that? A customer needs help finding a Che Guevara t-shirt? Sure! You don’t need to know who he is to have him on your shirt!
(Dean walks away)
RYAN: That was weird. Anyway, I’ll be sure to come in earlier, boss.
MICHELLE: Good. I manage this store, and the fact that we’re dating changes nothing.
RYAN: I think the security camera I broke in the back room would beg to differ.
MICHELE: Hey, shut up about that.
(Ryan laughs. Cut to Ethan watching the Olympics with Rob)
ETHAN: Wow, the gay guy who commentates during the gymnastic events is a real asshole.
GAY COMMENTATOR: (From the TV with a feminine voice) Wow, HUGE MISTAKE! Wow. What a clumsy whore. Her parents should disown her. I would.
ETHAN: How is he even going to have a kid?
ROB: You know, I won four golds in the 2004 Athens Games.
ETHAN: If you’re going to brag about things that didn’t happen, at least make it somewhat believable.
ROB: I can run an eight minute mile.
ETHAN: For some reason, I don’t believe you.
ROB: Yeah, it was lying, I run an eleven minute mile.
ETHAN: That’s so sad, go back to lying.
ROB: I served two terms as President of the United States of America.
ETHAN: Oh my God, no you didn’t.
(Kimberly comes in)
KIMBERLY: Hey Rob, hey Ethan.
(Ethan gets up and walks over to Kimberly)
ETHAN: Hello, Kimmie.
KIMBERLY: How was work?
ETHAN: A nightmare, as usual. Ever since the scandal broke, we’ve had to answer so many questions every day, we’ve had to perpetuate so many distractions and now Mayor Sarandon is forcing us to bid for the 2024 Olympics. He expects us to win the support of the majority of the international Olympic Committee by 2017. How are we going to host a Olympics, we can’t even afford PE for the elementary school kids!
KIMBERLY: I know he’s been putting stress on you. How about we go to dinner tomorrow, just you and I, and we forget all this stress?
ETHAN: Why not tonight?
KIMBERLY: I’m having a Pedi party with my girlfriends and then we’re meeting someone at a bar.
KIMBERLY: A friend.
ETHAN: Which friend?
ETHAN: Jesus, I’m not going to ask again.
KIMBERLY: Detective Zimmerman.
KIMBERLY: Ethan, calm down!
ETHAN: What the fuck do you mean, calm down?
KIMBERLY: To release or bring relief from the effects of tension or anxiety?
ETHAN: I know what “calm down” means, I just can’t believe you expect me to calm down when you’re going to be hanging out with that ASSHOLE detective who is ruining my career!
KIMBERLY He helped save our son!
ETHAN: I DON’T GIVE A-(Takes a deep breath) of course, and I appreciate that, but he’s another man, and I-
KIMBERLY: Do you not trust me?
ETHAN: …Of course I trust you, but I don’t trust him.
KIMBERLY: You should, he’s an honorable man.
ETHAN: Kimberly, do you realize what you’re doing? You’re playing with the enemy! This man is actively trying to ruin me, and why? Why is he doing that? What’s his motivation?
KIMBERLY: He just doesn’t like corruption!
ETHAN: Why single ME and Mayor Sarandon out?
KIMBERLY: Who else is he going to mention? The comptroller?
ETHAN: Yeah, that guy made his job up!
KIMBERLY: Listen, you can’t prevent me from having friends.
ROB: Hey, can I say-
ETHAN: GET THE FUCK OUT!
(Rob leaves, quickly)
ETHAN: I can’t prevent you from having friends, but Kimberly, why him? Of ALL people, why him?
KIMBERLY: He’s a lovely man and he’s the reason Ryan is ALIVE.
ETHAN: Stop holding that over my head! It doesn’t mean he won’t take advantage of you!
KIMBERLY: He wouldn’t do that!
ETHAN: Wouldn’t he?
KIMBERLY: I can’t believe this! I’m not going to let you ruin my evening!
(Kimberly marches out the back door)
ETHAN: GODDAMNIT, KIMBERLY, YOU COME BACK THIS INSTANT!
(Kimberly gets in her car and backs out of the driveway, prompting Ethan to throw a glass at the television. Madeline then comes in the room)
MADELINE: What the hell was that?
ETHAN: Nothing. Kimberly and I had a fight.
MADELINE: That’s the second TV you’ve broken in like, two and a half months!
(Cut to Ryan sitting behind the counter at Hot Topic on his iPhone. Michelle comes over with a stack of clothes)
MICHELLE: Ryan, can you sort the numerous and miscellaneous clothes some customer left in the dressing room?
RYAN: Yeah, in a second, I’m on Facebook posting pictures of myself from forty different angles.
MICHELLE: I’d prefer that you do it now, customers might want this stuff.
RYAN: Yeah, well that’s why I’ve been putting all the clothes left in the dressing room in a pile in the back room so when people say they can’t find something, I just rummage through the pile until I find it.
MICHELLE: Are you kidding me?
RYAN: No, why?
MICHELE: Goddamnit, Ryan.
(Michelle walks to the back room and Ryan follows. They are both in the back room and see the pile of clothes with a bald eagle living in it, feeding its young)
MICHELLE: There is a fucking bald eagle in a pile of clothes that this company spent money on.
RYAN: At least it’s our national bird.
MICHELLE: That doesn’t make it better.
RYAN: Shoo it away, it’s not supposed to be here anyway, it’s supposed to be in Oregon or whatever.
(Michelle turns to Ryan)
MICHELLE: Ryan, I have cause to fire you.
RYAN: Fire me?
MICHELLE: Yes. This is unacceptable. You’ve been throwing clothes in a pile, you’ve been showing up late, you let your drug dealer run operate out of our dressing room-
RYAN: Hey, Isaac has been very good to me.
MICHELLE: He hasn’t, and every time someone asks you for help, you say “I got where I am on my own, I advise that you do the same.”
RYAN: How do you know that?
MICHELE: The complaints people have filed! You know what? (Michelle goes behind the counter and produces a stack of complaints from a drawer and picks one at random) This one says “He came into work one day very high, grabbed a stack of jeans and said ‘free shirts on me’ and then started throwing them at unsuspecting shoppers’ faces”.
RYAN: I thought we were having a special.
MICHELLE: Ryan, this isn’t going away. It’s time for you to either do your job and do it responsibly, or leave.
RYAN: C’mon, Michelle. (Ryan comes close to her) Why don’t we go home and lay in my bed, listen to music and cuddle, we can do that all day.
(Michelle pushes him away gently)
MICHELLE: No, Ryan. Get your act together here or you are done working here.
(Michelle goes into the back room. Ryan goes over to a dressing room, knocks on the door and opens it, to reveal his drug dealer Isaac wearing a poker cap and using an 80s calculator while being surrounded by baggies of E)
RYAN: You have to go, man. Sorry.
ISAAC: But I just figured out how to clear the screen on this piece of shit!
(Cut to Madeline, Eric, Ellen and Tim on a cruise ship, talking)
ELLEN: I heard Madeline broke a bottle over an old man’s head and kicked him in the tit.
ELLEN: Oh. Madeline. I did not see you there.
MADELINE: First of all, how did the four of us end up on this cruise ship? Secondly, where did you hear that?
ELLEN: I heard it from Tim.
MADELINE: Tim, where’d you hear it from?
TIM: I heard it from Evan.
(Cut to Madeline, Lilly, George and Evan at an aquarium)
EVAN: I heard it from Darcy.
(Cut to Madeline, Darcy, Detective Reynolds and Sherriff Warren at a bee farm)
DARCY: I heard it from Robert.
(Cut to Madeline and Robert in Ryan’s room)
ROBERT: I heard it from Norman.
(Cut to Madeline and Norman on the beach)
MADELINE: Norman, where’d you hear it from?
NORMAN: That little Jewey kid you used to date.
NORMAN: Yeah, Kyle Lautenbergsteinskyowitz.
MADELINE: Why would he do that?
(The cruise ship passes by in the background and Ellen, Eric and Tim waive from the deck)
ERIC: HEY MADELINE! SHOW ME YOUR WOLF PAWS AND I’LL THROW YOU THESE BEADS!
TIM: CAPTAIN SCHETTINO, SLOW DOWN THE SHIP, THERE’S MADELINE DONAHUE! THE SICKLE-CELL ANEMIC HALF-WOLF SLUT BAG!
(They all laugh as Madeline runs away. Cut to Kyle on his cell phone in his bedroom)
KYLE: Okay, I want you to take the LIBOR interest rate and adjust it a little so my multiple media and matzo ball companies can seem more creditworthy.
(Mordecai peaks his head in)
MORDECAI: Kyle, Madeline’s here for you.
KYLE: I’ll have to call you back, Marcus. (Kyle hangs up) She can come in.
(Mordecai lets Madeline in)
MORDECAI: Can I get you two some hummus?
MADELINE: No, I’m fine.
MORDECAI: How about some-
KYLE: Hey, Maddie, what’s up?
MADELINE: Why have you been talking shit about me behind my back?
KYLE: What? I haven’t been talking anything.
MADELINE: You told Scott that I like to text Anthony Weiner!
KYLE: I didn’t tell him what you texted him though.
MADELINE: You told Logan I was obsessed with Wicker Man!
KYLE: It’s an underrated movie!
MADELINE: Why would you spread these false rumors?!
KYLE: I didn’t spread them Maddie, I just heard them from other people.
MADELINE: That’s not true, all roads lead to you.
KYLE: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I never thought you would trace the rumors back to me.
MADELINE: How the fuck would that make me feel better? Did you spread these rumors because I rejected you last week?
MADELINE: Kyle, what the fuck?
KYLE: I’m sorry, but these last two months have been awful without you.
MADELINE: I know! That’s why I extended the olive branch and said we could be friends! But you ruined it, as usual. Speaking of branches, did you tell people I had sex with a tree?
KYLE: I’m sorry, but I don’t want a friendship, I want a relationship!
MADELINE: Our relationship didn’t exactly work out, did it?
KYLE: I legally changed my name back today, though!
MADELINE: Kyle, I tried to poison you at prom.
KYLE: Well, I was being annoying.
KYLE: But remember how much fun we had last Wednesday?
MADELINE: Yeah, it was fun until you tried to kiss me.
KYLE: Maddie, here’s my ultimatum. I can’t stop thinking about you, so either we start dating and I go to the University Of Rhode Island Business School, which is just twenty minutes from where you’re going to school, or we don’t date, we’re not friends and I find another business school, maybe in New Hampshire.
MADELINE: Don’t go to New Hampshire.
KYLE: So we’ll date?
MADELINE: No, just don’t go to New Hampshire.
KYLE: Oh. Well, what is it? There can be no middle ground.
(Camera zooms In on Madeline, who is deep in thought. Cut to Kimberly with Karen, Kelly and Kathy getting pedicures from some Vietnamese women)
KAREN: This is so nice.
KIMBERLY: I know, why did we fight a war with these people?
KELLY: Yeah, it makes no sense.
PEDICURIST 1: Ng??i ph? n? này không ph?i là quen thu?c v?i các y?u t? ph?c t?p liên quan ??n trong cu?c chi?n tranh xâm l??c M?.
(SUBTITLES: This woman must not be familiar with the complex factors involved in the war of American aggression)
PEDICURIST 2: Có, chính ph? Hoa K? ?ã nhìn th?y s? ?e d?a c?a m?t s? ti?p qu?n c?a c?ng s?n mi?n Nam Vi?t Nam nh? là m?t ch?t ?c ch? chính sách c?a h? ng?n ch?n.
(SUBTITLES: Yeah, the United States government saw the threat of a communist takeover of South Vietnam as an inhibitor to their policy of containment.)
KATHY: What do you think they’re talking about?
KIMBERLY: They’re probably talking about Hello Kitty and stuff.
(They all chuckle)
KAREN: Or they’re talking about trash about us like that episode of Seinfeld.
(They all chuckle)
PEDICURIST 3: Hoa K? ngh? r?ng nó mang l?i l?i ích cho hành ??ng quân s? ?? ng?n ch?n c?ng s?n lan r?ng, và do ?ó cu?c chi?n tranh không có gì ?? làm v?i các nhân viên ch?m sóc bàn chân. Thêm vào ?ó, Vi?t C?ng ban ??u chi?n ??u ch?ng l?i Pháp, ???c h? tr? b?i Hoa K?, nh?ng sau ?ó h? ?ã chi?n ??u ch?ng l?i Chính ph? bù nhìn Hoa K? ? Nam Vi?t Nam.
(SUBTITLES: The United States thought it beneficial for military action to be taken to stop communism from spreading, and so the war has nothing to do with the pedicurists. In addition, the Viet Cong initially fought against the French, supported by the United States, but later they fought against the U.S. puppet government in South Vietnam)
KATHY: Their voices are so funny!
(They all laugh. Cut to Kimberly, Kelly, Kathy, Karen and George at the bar)
KIMBERLY: George, thanks so much for the drinks and the Pedi party. It really is too much.
GEORGE: You seemed pretty willing to accept it.
KIMBERLY: I objected, trust me.
(Everyone except George chuckles)
GEORGE No, you-
KAREN: So George, you’re a detective?
GEORGE: Yes I am.
KIMBERLY: He helped find my son. I am so grateful for that.
KAREN: What a saint.
GEORGE: I’m just doing my job. I work for the Missing Persons Division.
KATHY: You mean the missing people division.
GEORGE: (Laughs) No, it’s called the Missing Persons Division, but both are correct.
KATHY: No, you’re wrong.
GEORGE: …Okay, anyway, Kimberly and I have become gullies over the last month.
KIMBERLY: And it’s been a pleasure.
GEORGE: Yes it has been. She’s wonderful.
KIMBERLY: Oh, stop it.
GEORGE: Okay, sorry.
KIMBERLY: No, you can keep going.
GEORGE: Oh. Uh…she is beautiful.
KIMBERLY: Stop it!
GEORGE: (Laughs) Nice.
KIMBERLY: Thank you. I can yank compliments out of anyone.
KATHY: It’s true.
KATHY: You’re great! Why am I doing this?
(Pan to Mayor Sarandon, who is sitting on the other side of the bar with Sandra)
MAYOR SARANDON: Holy shit.
SANDRA: What, Brian?
MAYOR SARANDON: Over there is Ethan’s wife. She’s fraternizing with the son of a bitch who outed me to the press.
SANDRA: So we’re a sham?!
MAYOR SARANDON: No, outed me as in, revealed my corruption.
SANDRA: Go beat him up, sweetie!
MAYOR SARANDON: No, it’ll make me look bad. Plus, he’s a detective. But I know someone who can beat him up. Ethan.
(Mayor Sarandon takes out his cell phone and calls Ethan. Cut to Ethan watching television)
ANNOUNCER ON TELEVISION: Coming soon to Comedy Central, “Chocolate News with Naked Trucker and Michael Ian Black Show”. Tweet about it or something.
ETHAN: Yeah, just combine bad ideas, that’ll work. (Ethan’s phone rings and he picks it up) Hello?
MAYOR SARANDON: (On the phone) Your wife is at the bar with Detective Zimmerman, and they seem to be having a grand time.
ETHAN: Yeah, she told me.
MAYOR SARANDON: And you’re okay with that?
ETHAN: No, we fought about it, but what am I going to do? Punch him?
MAYOR SARANDON: YES!
ETHAN: No, he’s a detective.
MAYOR SARANDON: He’s off-duty!
ETHAN: No, Detectives have like, people at all corners of the bar.
MAYOR SARANDON: He’s not the President for God’s sake. Just go over here and chew him out at least.
ETHAN: No harm in that.
MAYOR SARANDON: Nope.
ETHAN: Which bar is that?
MAYOR SARANDON: Barry’s. (Pronounces it BAR-ees)
ETHAN: You mean Barry’s? (Pronounces it BAIR-ees)
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s a bar, so BAR-ees makes sense, right?
ETHAN: Do they call banks bankies?
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know, Julio goes to the bank for me.
ETHAN: They don’t. They call it J.P. Morgan or whatever.
MAYOR SARANDON: Just get over here.
ETHAN: Okay. I’m just saying it’s probably owned by a guy named Barry.
MAYOR SARANDON: NOW!
(Ethan hangs up. Cut to the bar)
GEORGE: So when I was twelve I really got into wooden blocks.
KIMBERLY: That’s cool.
GEORGE: I would build masterpieces.
(Ethan comes in)
ETHAN: Kimberly Jordan Donahue!
(Kimberly turns around)
KIMBERLY: Ethan? What are you doing here?
ETHAN: Protecting you from this fucking guy.
GEORGE: Your wife and I are just friends, sir.
ETHAN: Yeah, so were Hitler and Eva Braun.
ETHAN: YOU TRY TO RUIN MY CAREER BY SPREADING FALSE RUMORS AND NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN BE FRIENDS WITH MY FUCKING WIFE?! WHERE’S YOUR GODDAMN COMMON SENSE?!
GEORGE: Ethan, she has a choice of whether she wants to hang out with me or not.
ETHAN: HANG OUT?! We are two married adults; we’re not supposed to have friends of the opposite gender! I have no female friends besides Kim!
KIMBERLY: ETHAN, YOU CAN’T CONTROL MY LIFE!
ETHAN: I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TRY! NOW GEORGE, STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I’LL HAVE TO TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO THREATEN AN OFFICER OF THE LAW! Also, I really appreciate you helping find my son. BUT FUCK OFF! C’mon, Kimberly.
KIMBERLY: No, I’m staying here.
ETHAN: …AWESOME! HAVE A FUCKING SWELL TIME! Send me phonographs.
KIMBERLY: YOU KNOW WHAT, ETHAN? I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN IN TAMPA, BECAUSE WHEN YOU COME BACK, DON’T EXPECT TO BE SLEEPING ANYWHERE BUT THE COUCH!
ETHAN: The RNC is not for another two weeks, so…
KIMBERLY: FINE, DON’T EXPECT TO BE SLEEPING ANYWHERE BUT THE COUCH UNTIL YOU GO TO TAMPA!
ETHAN: …At least I’ll be in the sunshine state. Rather than this green mountain piece of shit state.
(Ethan storms out of the bar)
GEORGE: Wow. I’m sorry that happened.
KIMBERLY: It’s not your fault. He’s having a conniption.
GEORGE: Right…you know, I don’t mean to be forward, but I think you deserve better than what you just got.
(Kimberly turns to him)
KIMBERLY: You’re right.
(They stare at each other for a few seconds. Then, the 1911 version of “Some of These Days” by Sophie Tucker starts playing. Cut to Ryan and Michelle leaving Hot Topic for the day. They walk out together and don’t hold hands with straight faces. Cut to Madeline and Kyle meeting behind the Donahue household. Madeline hands him an envelope. He takes it, opens it and takes out an acceptance letter to the Whitmore School of Business and Economics at the University of New Hampshire. His smile goes limp. Madeline kisses him on the cheek and walks away, leaving him dejected. He squeezes the envelope and sheds tears as the “You’re gonna miss me, honey, when I’m far away” part of the song plays. Cut to Ryan and Michelle walking into the parking lot, their cars immediately adjacent to each other. Ryan goes to his car and Michelle walks over and kisses him. He smiles, but then she grabs his crotch, lifting him slightly, causing him to grab onto the car. Michelle then reaches into his pocket and takes out a baggie to two E tablets as the “I’ve let you have your way” part of the song plays. She then walks away with the bag and gets into her car and drives away, leaving Ryan aware that a new arrangement has taken place. As the song ends, cut to Kimberly walking into the house with Ethan on the couch. She walks into her room and slams the door, prompting Ethan to close his eyes in remorse. Fade to black)
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