The Donahues Episode 3
Script by: NEONETWORK
“Mighty Elephant, revered for all he is, and killed for all he's worth.”
- Krissy Jazz
(We start with Ryan entering a Hot Topic store on March 24, 2012 and walking up to an attractive woman who works there, she has black hair, a black bow on her hair, a red “Damned Cuckold” band t-shirt and black skinny jeans)
GIRL: Hi, welcome to Hot Topic, how can I help you?
RYAN: Hi there. (Ryan smiles) I was wondering if I could get a job here.
GIRL: Wow, you’re the third person in the last hour to come in here and apply.
RYAN: Yeah, the other two were my friends Brennan and Sarah, we’re kind of competing.
GIRL: (Giggles) Oh, that’s cool. Well, here (Takes out job application form and sets it on the counter) is your job application form. Good luck!
(Ryan takes the application and a pen from her desk)
RYAN: Thanks. What’s your name, again?
GIRL: Oh, my name is Michelle.
RYAN: Okay, cool. I look forward to working with you.
MICHELLE: (Giggles) Someone’s confident.
(Ryan laughs and leaves. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly around the dinner table reading the Washington Post and the New York Times, respectively. Ethan is wearing a suit and Kimberly is wearing skinny jeans with heels and tank top. Ethan is wearing a “Romney 2012” button and Kimberly is wearing an “Obama 2012” button)
ETHAN: Gas prices are way, way up. 3.84 a gallon? Are you kidding me?? Obama’s got to go.
KIMBERLY: Do you really think the President can just raise and lower the price of gasoline with a magic wand?
ETHAN: From what I heard from you four years ago, he definitely can.
KIMBERLY: What do you mean?
ETHAN: Don’t you remember?
(Flashback to March 24, 2008, when a 42-year old Ethan and a 40-year old Kimberly are sitting around a table, Ethan is wearing a collared shirt and cackies while Kimberly is wearing a pantsuit. Ethan is wearing a “McCain 2008” button and Kimberly is wearing an “Obama 2008” button. They are reading the Washington Post and the New York Times, respectively)
KIMBERLY: Four dollars a gallon? Are you kidding me?? I can’t wait for President Bush to get out of office.
ETHAN: Well, gas prices are pretty ridiculous, and whether it’s Bush’s fault or not, it needs to be fixed.
KIMBERLY: No, it’s definitely President Bush’s fault!
(Cut back to the present.)
KIMBERLY: Well…this is different.
KIMBERLY: Because…Obama…is a Democrat.
ETHAN: What was that?
KIMBERLY: BECAUSE HE’S A DEMOCRAT!
ETHAN: Oh, I see. Double standard much?
ETHAN: By the way, did you hear about this?
ETHAN: Apparently, (THE FOLLOWING STORY IS TRUE, http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2012/03/12/tsr-todd-iraq-emo-killings.cnn)) terrorists in Iraq are killing Iraqi emo kids by the dozens.
KIMBERLY: That’s awful.
ETHAN: I know.
KIMBERLY: I didn’t even know that subculture existed there.
ETHAN: I know, it’s horrendous what these terrorists are doing to these kids. We better not send Ryan over there.
(They both crack up. Cut to Ryan on the couch day dreaming, when Jacob comes in, having just woken up, wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt.)
JACOB: (Yawns) Good Morning.
RYAN: It’s noon.
JACOB: Well, it’s got to be morning somewhere.
RYAN: Yeah, but here it’s noon.
JACOB: What are you doing? The TV isn’t even on.
RYAN: I’m in love.
JACOB: Jesus, I’m going back to bed.
RYAN: Hold on, I’m serious.
JACOB: I know you are, that’s why it’s so scary.
(Ryan gets up and walks over to Jacob)
RYAN: I met her when I got the application at Hot Topic this morning.
JACOB: Huge fucking surprise.
RYAN: She was so cute and nice and funny…
JACOB: Dude, don’t do this. Every couple of months you fall in love with somebody. In January it was Jennifer from that garage band across the street, in November it was Courtney from that Slur Factory concert, and every time you try to get them to fall in love with you, but then you give up, get depressed, roll on E and make out with Brennan.
RYAN: But it’s different!
RYAN: Because I can’t stop thinking about her…
JACOB: You couldn’t stop thinking or talking about any of the other girls either!
RYAN: We’re soul mates!
JACOB: You just met her! What is wrong with you? Are you this emotionally weak?
RYAN: YES! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an application to fill out!
(Ryan exits stage left)
JACOB: …I hate him so much.
(Cut to Kimberly at her mailbox checking the mail. A woman of average height with short black hair wearing a dress and a man of average height with brown hair wearing business casual wear walk over to her.)
WOMAN: Hello, Kimberly.
(Kimberly turns around)
KIMBERLY: Hello, Ellen and Evan.
EVAN: Hi. We were wondering if you were interested in signing up to join the Home Owner’s Association. It’s a lot of fun, and it gives us something to do.
KIMBERLY: Oh, well I do have some complaints about this neighborhood. Like how the tennis courts have both a height requirement and income requirement.
ELLEN: Well, then come to the next meeting, March 27, 2012 at 2pm. It’s at the building near the entrance to the neighborhood. (She takes out a pamphlet that says “Cypress Creek Homeowner’s Association” and hands it to her) There you go.
KIMBERLY: Thank you. (She takes it) I might just be there.
EVAN: Terrific. Prepare for that empty hole in your life to be filled with fabricated power!
(They walk away)
KIMBERLY: Bye you guys! Hmm…
(Cut to Madeline making out with a relatively muscular student wearing a green V-neck and jeans on her bed in her room. Madeline is wearing ripped skinny jeans and a white “TYLER’S, HANSBAY, VERMONT” shirt. Suddenly, someone knocks on the door.)
MADELINE: Shit! (Madeline jumps off the bed and flips a switch on the wall which releases straps that binds the guy to the mattress and flips the mattress over.) Come in!
(Jacob comes in.)
JACOB: Ryan is in love again.
MADELINE: Fuck. With who?
JACOB: I don’t know, some girl who works at Hot Topic.
MADELINE: Great. He’s going to be swooning and being optimistic all the time,
JACOB: And then when she crushes him like a fly, he’s going to be all (Starts rubbing his wrist with his finger to simulate cutting oneself) “Ooh, I’m so sad, I’m going to mope around and complain and cut myself and play the emo violin on my wrist, ooh!”
MADELINE: (Laughs) …What are our options?
JACOB: I don’t know-
GUY UNDER BED: Is he gone yet?
JACOB: Who the fuck was that?
MADELINE: No one.
GUY UNDER BED: What?
MADELINE: NO, HE’S NOT GONE YOU IDIOT!
JACOB: Do you have a guy in here?
JACOB: Let me turn the lights up. (Jacob flips the switch and the mattress flips to reveal the guy bound by straps.) Jesus!
GUY: Hey, I know you!
JACOB: Yeah, I know you too, what are you doing here?
MADELINE: He’s just a friend.
JACOB: He’s strapped to your bed!
MADELINE: Well, I wanted to keep him a secret, you know how crazy mom is about me having boys over.
JACOB: It’s Kyle, right?
JACOB: You’ve been missing for like, weeks! How long has he been here?
MADELINE: Since…late February…
JACOB: Christ. Come to think of it, a lot of other students have run away or gone missing recently.
(Jacob runs over to the closet while Madeline lunges to try to stop him.)
(Jacob opens the closet to reveal a bunch of attractive students, most of them clothed, with three exceptions.)
JACOB: Ugh! (Jacob looks away) WHAT ARE THESE DUDES DOING HERE??
MADELINE: They’re just friends!
JACOB: They seem like…slaves.
MADELINE: That’s ridiculous.
(Jacob opens up her wardrobe to reveal more guys; Jacob opens up her bathroom cabinets to reveal more guys, and looks under her bed to reveal even more guys.)
JACOB: This is fucked up. I’m going to tell mom, this is just too much!
MADELINE: Oh, really?
(Madeline runs out of the room, followed by Jacob, and Madeline goes into Jacob’s room to reveal a bunch of attractive teenage girls in bras and panties.)
GIRL: Hi Jacob!
MADELINE: Oh my god, is that Julia?
MADELINE: Looks like we’re even then. You don’t tell them, I won’t tell them.
JACOB: (Sighs) Fine. Just a question though, all of your guys are willing, right?
MADELINE: Yeah. Are your girls all willing?
MADELINE: Well, then those are the ground rules.
(They shake hands. Cut to Ryan at a job interview on March 25, 2012, wearing black super skinny jeans and a “Shadow Senator” band t-shirt while sitting in a back office with Michelle, who is wearing a black “Guts on the Disco Ball” t-shirt with black skinny jeans, interviewing him)
MICHELLE: So Ryan, what are your strengths and weaknesses?
RYAN: Well, my strengths are hard work,
(Cut to Ryan listening to music on his bed in his room. Homework is inches away from his hand. He tries to reach it with his hand.)
(But he gives up. Cut back.)
RYAN: Social skills,
(Cut to Ryan in health class paired up with an attractive popular girl for a project.)
POPULAR GIRL: Hi, I’m Elisa.
RYAN: I’m Ryan.
ELISA: Well, we should get started. Our project is supposed to be about the female reproductive system.
RYAN: (Chuckles) Reproductive system. Like women have ever done anything productive.
ELISA: You’re an asshole. You hardly ever work in here, who are you to talk?
RYAN: Jesus, I’m sorry, God.
ELISA: It’s okay, let’s just, focus on the female reproductive system.
RYAN: …We could test yours.
RYAN: And, I’m working towards a goal.
MICHELLE: Oh really, what’s that?
RYAN: I probably shouldn’t tell you.
MICHELLE: Oh, okay. Well, these questions are kind of a formality at this point, because you got everything you need to be a Hot Topic employee, you got the straightened hair, the skinny jeans, the band-themed shirts, the bracelets, the necessary pigmentation, you’ve got the job secured. Congratulations, you start Monday at 5PM.
RYAN: Oh my God, thank you so much! (He stands up and shakes her hand.) My goal is to buy three tablets of ecstasy by the way.
MICHELLE: Ah, I see.
(Cut to the Cypress Creek Homeowner’s Association meeting. It is a room with tables with chairs all in a square, with microphones at each chair, and the highest chair being that of the President of the Homeowner’s association. Each chair has a plaque and people are talking before the meeting. Kimberly comes in with a collared shirt and a pair of formal jeans and a necklace. She awkwardly shuffles towards Ellen, who is speaking with Evan.)
(Ellen turns around.)
ELLEN: Oh my god, you made it!
KIMBERLY: Yeah, I did.
(Ellen hugs Kimberly)
ELLEN: I’m so glad!
KIMBERLY: Yeah, you-you are.
(Ellen lets go.)
ELLEN: You came here just in time, the President of the HOA, Evan, is just about to gavel in.
(Evan goes up to the President’s chair and slams the gavel)
EVAN: The HOA will come to order. (Slams the gavel three more times) The HOA will come to order. (People quiet down and the members take their seats) I understand we are going to vote on adding a new member to the HOA council to replace the late Becky Ponnick, who died last week when her husband poisoned her.
EVAN: Will the candidate come forward?
ELLEN: That’s you, Kim.
(Kimberly comes forward.)
EVAN: According to HOA rules, you are allowed to give a quick campaign speech.
KIMBERLY: Oh, okay. Um, I feel that reforming this neighborhood to make it more child-friendly, neighbor-friendly and more respectful and charitable to the needs of the homeless should be the number one priority of this association.
EVAN: Okay, thank you. All in favor say aye?
EVAN: All opposed no?
EVAN: In the opinion of the chair, the ayes have it, the ayes have it and Kimberly Donahue is elected.
WOMAN: Mr. President?
EVAN: Yes, Lydia?
LYDIA: I demand a recorded vote.
(Women around her voice their agreement)
EVAN: All in favor of a recorded vote will rise? (Everybody rises) A sufficient number having risen, a recorded vote is ordered. Members will vote via electronic device, this will be a five minute vote.
(Evan slams the gavel and leaves. Kimberly walks over to Ellen.)
KIMBERLY: What’s going on? Why would anyone not vote for me?
ELLEN: Well, Honey, I think you lost them when you mentioned “respecting the homeless”, that kind of thing turns them off.
KIMBERLY: How? This neighborhood has a gate that Mayor Sarandon put there to keep out the homeless, and he put a sign that said “Homeless keep off the grass”, don’t you find that a little insulting?
ELLEN: I think it’s insulting if a homeless person places its dirty shoes on our grass!
KIMBERLY: Ugh. Did you seriously just refer to a homeless person as “it”?
ELLEN: Well, I didn’t ask for a grammar lesson!
KIMBERLY: Well you’re going to get one, because I am going to be on this goddamn council whatever it takes!
ELLEN: Well, I’m not voting for you!
KIMBERLY: I WOULDN’T WANT YOUR VOTE, BITCH.
(They get up in each other’s faces, squint their eyes and walk away in a huff. Cut to Madeline, at school on March 26, 2012, wearing blue skinny jeans and a pink t-shirt, talking to her friends at lunch. She is the only one not eating.)
GIRL: I am so happy since I got my man slut, he is so awesome!
GIRL 2: I know! I love him so much.
GIRL: I love his dick mostly.
GIRL 2: Yeah, me too.
GIRL 3: Hey, why aren’t you eating, Madeline?
MADELINE: Oh, I don’t like to eat in front of other people. It’s weird.
(Ryan runs over to Madeline’s table.)
RYAN: It’s weird.
(Ryan and Madeline embrace and then Ryan leaves)
GIRL: You’re friends with that emo kid?
MADELINE: No, Britney, he’s my brother, and we’ve made a pact to never eat in front of other people.
BRITNEY: You’re right; I’m never eating in front of someone else ever again. (She pushes aside her plate and checks her phone) OMG, it’s time!
(They all scream in excitement and leave the table. They all half-run to the locker room, where there is a sign that says “Slut Trade”. Inside, there is a student in an 1800s southern style suit with clothed male teenagers standing beside him looking eager. The girls sit down on a bench)
AUCTIONEER: Hello, ladies. Welcome to the slut auction. Today we are auctioning off some of the finest man sluts you will ever encounter. I do declare these man sluts to be the best for your respective bedrooms, bathrooms, drawers and crawl spaces. And remember, they are ALL WILLING. None of them were forced into this. They are truly sluts.
MAN SLUT: Yeah!
AUCTIONEER: Shut up. Anyway, begin the bidding!
BRITNEY: One dollar!
AUCTIONEER: One dollar!
MADELINE: Five dollars!
AUCTIONEER: Five dollars!
GIRL 3: Ten dollars!
AUCTIONEER: Ten dollars!
(Cut to Ryan folding shirts at Hot Topic on March 26, 2012. He is wearing black super skinny jeans and a black “Graveyard Wedding” shirt.)
RYAN: This is so awesome.
(Michelle , who is wearing a white “Fee of Life” shirt, a black bow and blue skinny jeans, walks by.)
MICHELLE: Yeah, until the customers start coming in.
(A 12-year old kid with brown hair dressed in a green polo and jeans with his clearly uncomfortable dad come in.)
KID: Hi, I’m Danny. I want to be emo just like you.
RYAN: is that…right…
MICHELLE: Pull through.
RYAN: Um, you’re a little young-
(Michelle kicks him in the back of the leg)
RYAN: Um, excuse me, I meant, what kind of clothes are you looking for, buddy?
DANNY: Badass ones, skinny jeans and black shirts, and lip rings and bracelets and shit, hair straighteners and all that fucking shit.
RYAN: Yeah, we don’t have lip rings or hair straighteners here, but we do have the other, um, “shit” you mentioned.
DANNY: Look at how much I cut!
(Danny shows Ryan his wrists, which have red marker on them)
RYAN: Yeah. That’s uh…pretty badass there. Look at how much I cut.
(Ryan shows the kid actual cutting scars under his bracelets)
RYAN: Now, tell me something kid. (Ryan kneels down to the kid) Do you think you’re actually ready for the commitment of the emo lifestyle? Because it’s not just a way of dressing, it’s a way of fucking living. If you don’t get it right, you’re a poser, and nobody likes them. You have to come up with a unique way of dressing emo, you have to straighten your hair a certain way or tease it, you have to act in a sullen and combative manner virtually always, and it helps to be cynical, aggrieved and have a fucked up family life. You also have to befriend other emos, and emos can be fickle little bitches. By that I mean, their moods can change dramatically, based on virtually nothing, except when they are in love, like I am right now. It also helps to have severe psychological problems like depression, anxiety and anger. Hurting oneself is a part of that. It’s not going to cut it just to be able to take a Crayola marker to your wrist. You have to (pulls out his pocket knife and flicks it open) put a fucking knife to it. Having said all this, I sincerely believe that at your young age, you are not ready for the emo lifestyle.
(There is a ten second long shocked silence.)
DAD: …I’M UNCOMFORTABLE.
DANNY: Well, I want to dress like emos, but I don’t want to be depressed or whatever.
RYAN: So, wouldn’t you be a poser?
DANNY: No, it’s different.
DANNY: …Because I don’t want to be a poser?
RYAN: Ah. Well, pick out whatever you want then.
(Ryan stands up as Danny and his dad go to the other side of the store.)
RYAN: I know.
MICHELLE: You really layed it all out there for that kid.
RYAN: I like for my customers to make informed decisions.
MICHELLE: (Giggles) Well, you did a good job. You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to say that to emo newcomers.
RYAN: (Laughs) Yeah, well. I said it for you.
MICHELLE: Yeah, you did.
RYAN: Hey, when I earn enough money to buy three tablets of E, would you want to, do it, perhaps, with us?
MICHELLE: Uh, sure. That sounds fun.
(Cut to March 27, 2012 when Ryan, who is wearing dark blue super skinny jeans and a black “Devil’s Niece” shirt, Brennan, who is wearing black super skinny jeans with a “Dead By Now” shirt and Sarah, who is wearing black skinny jeans with an “Order of Dirt” shirt, at lunch counting money)
RYAN: Eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four. Perfect! This, combined with my forty dollars will provide us with three tablets of ecstasy.
BRENNAN: How’d you get the money this quickly?
RYAN: I combined the income so far from Hot Topic with the money I stole from my dad.
SARAH: Sounds ethical. Well I’m excited for the three tablets.
BRENNAN: We are going to really teach our sweat glands a lesson.
SARAH: And remember, if you stop dancing, you won’t die.
RYAN: Thanks, I keep forgetting that. Anyway, I was wondering, I invited my boss at Hot Topic to join us when we do ecstasy, is that cool?
SARAH: Ryan, this was supposed to be special for the three of us!
RYAN: Come on, you guys, she’s my soul mate.
BRENNAN: Ugh, fine. She better be cool, though.
RYAN: She is. And she’s very hot.
SARAH: Where is she going to get E?
RYAN: She has her own supplier. Now, let me go to mine and get my shit.
(Ryan gets up and exits stage left. Cut to Mr. Daniels’ Sports Marketing room. He is wearing a lab coat with a bow tie, cackies and VANS shoes while cutting beef on his desk. No one is in his class until Ryan saunters in.)
RYAN: Hello, Mr. D.
JACK DANIELS: Hello, Ryan. Care for some genetically engineered beef?
RYAN: No, I’m fine.
JACK DANIELS: It tastes like a monstrosity!
RYAN: I’m good, anyway, I have the money now.
JACK DANIELS: Oh, perfect. But before you give me the money, please allow me to have you answer this survey.
JACK DANIELS: How did you find out about my services? From a friend? On TV? In print? Word of mouth? What?
RYAN: Do you have television commercials?
JACK DANIELS: No, not that I’m aware of.
RYAN: So, why would you include that as an option?
JACK DANIELS: Just in case some company mentioned my services in their ads!
RYAN: Doubtful, right?
JACK DANIELS: Yeah, kind of.
RYAN: No, definitely.
JACK: So who’d you hear about me from?
RYAN: My brother.
JACK: Would you use my services again?
RYAN: (He puts down the 120 dollars) Just give me the E.
(Jack puts a baggie of three ecstasy tablets down on the desk)
RYAN: Thank you. Bye.
(He takes the E and walks out. Cut to Evan gaveling in the HOA Council meeting again. He bangs the gavel thrice)
EVAN: The HOA will be in order. On this vote, the yeas are 16, the nays are 13 and Kimberly Donahue is hereby elected.
(One side of the room gasps as the other side smirks)
ELLEN: WHAT? Well, prepare for the homeless to storm the gates and indoctrinate our kids into homelessness because it’s “cool”.
(Ellen’s posse agrees verbally, while the leader of the other side stands up)
EVAN: For what purpose does Karen rise?
KAREN: Mr. President, can we have order?
EVAN: Karen’s correct. The HOA will be in order. (He gavels thrice and things quiet down.)
KAREN: Thank you, Mr. President. We believe Kim has the compassion this neighborhood association needs. For God’s sakes, last year you amended the charter to crack down on child vandals by placing armed guards around playground perimeters!
(Karen’s posse verbally agrees)
ELLEN: It was to scare them! No one was going to get shot, Mr. President.
(Ellen’s posse verbally agrees)
EVAN: Will Mrs. Donahue please step forward? (Kimberly steps forward, places her hand on the HOA charter and raised her right hand, and Evan also raises his hand.) Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will support and defend the HOA charter against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that you will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that you take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that you will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which you are about to enter: So help you God?
KIMBERLY: I do.
EVAN: Congratulations, Mrs. Councilwoman.
(One side cheers and applauds hardily while the other begrudgingly applauds, cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Jacob and Madeline eating hot dogs around the dinner table)
ETHAN: So, how was everybody’s day?
KIMBERLY: I had a great day. I was elected councilwoman for the Homeowner’s Association, or the HOA.
JACOB: But those are a bunch of evil bitches.
KIMBERLY: I know, that’s why I am going to reform this neighborhood. No more being mean to the homeless, no more asbestos, no more playgrounds made of hot steel, no more armed guards to stave off vandals and no more rules against Islamic symbols on people’s houses.
ETHAN: Jesus, Muslims live in this neighborhood?
KIMBERLY: No, this is why I wonder why they have that rule. The point is, I’m going to shake things up.
ETHAN: Well, your housewife stuff is cute, but, (Kimberly grimaces) how about Jacob? What did you do today?
JACOB: What? Oh, nothing.
ETHAN: Okay, disappointing. Madeline?
MADELINE: NOTHING AT ALL.
ETHAN: Alright, weirdly defensive. (Sighs) Ryan?
ETHAN: …Okay, they’re being secretive; you know what, let’s just turn on the news.
(Ethan presses the remote and the kitchen TV flips on to show the Hansbay Action News 5. Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury are on air. Patrick is wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt, Fiona is wearing a turquoise blazer with a white undershirt)
PATRICK WHITE: Hello, and welcome to the Hansbay Action News 5 at nine. I am Patrick White.
FIONA CADBURY: And I am Fiona Cadbury.
PATRICK: A local man was amazed when he found his truck in a ditch this morning. Hansbay police quoted him as saying he “Thought he had left it in his drive way the night before”.
FIONA: In other news, a dangerous new craze is sweeping our nation’s high schools.
PATRICK: And this time, we’re not making it up to scare the shit out of parents.
FIONA: Apparently, so-called “slut” students are being willingly traded at secret auctions to students of the opposite sex who want to keep them in their room as so-called “sex buddies”. These auctions are hard to detect, but sources say they are usually held at noon in locker rooms, and are marked by a sign that says “Slut Trade”. Hm, very cryptic, Patrick.
PATRICK: Indeed. In other news, Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich ate his own hand today-
(Cut back to the Donahues, where Madeline and Jacob’s eyes are wide in shock)
KIMBERLY: Wow, that slut trade thing is fucked up.
ETHAN: I swear to god, the liberal media has just perverted kids these days.
KIMBERLY: Why do you always have to turn this back on liberals?
JACOB: Madeline, a word.
(Madeline and Jacob leave the room, and go into the living room.)
JACOB: Okay, you need to give up your sluts.
MADELINE: WHAT? We both need to give up our sluts! You’re doing the exact same thing that I am doing!
JACOB: It’s different.
JACOB: Because…my sluts are chicks.
MADELINE: What’s that?
JACOB: Because my sluts are chicks.
MADELINE: Exactly! Double standard. We both need to give them up. Deal?
JACOB: Yeah, I guess.
(They shake hands and re-enter the dining room and sit down. Cut back to the news.)
PATRICK: That was one horny squirrel, Fiona. In other news, the epidemic of ecstasy in Hansbay area high schools is at an all-time high, and even teachers are beginning to sell it, according to anonymous sources.
ETHAN: Well, they say academic institutions have an inherent liberal bias.
KIMBERLY: Newt Gingrich says that and nobody else. And he ate his own hand!
ETHAN: Yeah, because of liberals!
PATRICK: In other news, the FBI is currently investigating the possibility of Al Qaeda recruiters setting up camp in the Hansbay area.
ETHAN: I’m going to fucking kill them.
KIMBERLY: Get the gun.
RYAN: I will tear their fucking heads off.
JACOB: SHIT DOWN THEIR NECKS!
MADELINE: I HATE THEM.
PATRICK: This also comes as terrorist violence against emo kids in Iraq is at an all-time high.
ETHAN: Yeah, I read about that. It’s awful.
RYAN: So did I. I hope I never have to go to Iraq!
(Everyone laughs. The camera pans out, goes to black and the words “TO BE CONTINUED” appear)
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