The Donahues Episode 31

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan and Tatum must spy on the Jewish Democratic candidate for Mayor in order to find something to smear him about, Kimberly fights to allow a mosque’s construction to go ahead in Hansbay despite protests and Ryan, Michelle, Michael, Eric and Brennan are annoyed by a preacher at Town Center but Sarah is inspired by him

Submitted: August 17, 2012

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Submitted: August 17, 2012






“On earth god sent us as humans; and when we came we made religions. We divided the people into different religions; we divided the people into different beliefs. Due to which violence occurred; Fightings happened; Blood, blood, blood; and everyone went into grief”

- Jagmeet Singh

(We start with Kimberly at the kitchen table reading the Hansbay Quintessential which has the headline “ROMNEY PICKS RYAN FOR VP SLOT”. Ethan walks over and sits down, holding a cup of coffee)

ETHAN: Oh my God, that newspaper headline almost gave me a heart attack when I first saw it.


ETHAN: Because I thought Governor Romney had picked Ryan as his running mate.

KIMBERLY: He did pick Ryan as his running mate.

ETHAN: No, I mean like, our son Ryan. I though Romney had picked our son Ryan as his running mate.

KIMBERLY: You thought Romney picked our seventeen-year old son as his running mate?

ETHAN: Yeah, for like twelve minutes, but now I know that’s not the case.

KIMBERLY: You thought that for twelve minutes?

ETHAN: Yeah, I just saw “Romney Picks Ryan” and what else am I supposed to think?

KIMBERLY: Maybe read into it more?

ETHAN: I did!

KIMBERLY: Yeah, after you thought that Presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Willard Mitt Romney picked our seventeen-year old son Ryan Anthony Donahue as his Vice Presidential running mate for twelve entire minutes!

ETHAN: I said that I know he didn’t now, so it’s fine.

KIMBERLY: I’m still baffled.

ETHAN: Anyway, Paul Ryan is a perfect pick.

KIMBERLY: How? He’s perfect bait. He wants to confront Medicare in a back alley, throw it up against a wall and have his way with it, that’s such an easy position to take advantage of. It’s as easy as stealing candy from a baby or stealing health insurance from old people.

ETHAN: Yeah, but he’s handsome, chiseled, well-rested and he’s readily able to walk into a powerless vortex at age 42. Plus, he’s a Catholic so he can sop up the Catholic vote.

KIMBERLY: He’s not getting my vote.

ETHAN: He doesn’t want your vote.

KIMBERLY: He actually probably does.

ETHAN: Yeah, but it doesn’t matter because he’s a ninja with the clichés. He throw some “freedom and liberty” throwing stars and then put you in a “believe in America” chokehold before utilizing the “free enterprise” punch to the testicles.

KIMBERLY: Yep, because freedom and liberty are nothing more than platitudes.

ETHAN: Exactly right. But yeah, a Mormon and a Catholic running together is pretty interesting. Paul Ryan can taunt Romney by giving out free sodas at campaign rallies and unveiling the slogan “Romney/Ryan 2012, Mothafucka” and Romney can taunt Ryan by reporting child molestation to the authorities.

KIMBERLY: (Smiles) Yeah.

ETHAN: See? I got a smile out of you. Can I sleep in our bed tonight?

KIMBERLY: Whoa, did you read about this?

ETHAN: What?

KIMBERLY: There’s a mosque being constructed on Steno Avenue and there are public protests of it.

ETHAN: Oh yeah, Mayor Sarandon signed a bill to render their construction permit null and void because they hadn’t given the public adequate notice.

KIMBERLY: It says here the mosque’s imminent construction has been known to the people of Hansbay for twelve years.

ETHAN: Yes, and we require thirteen years notice for any and all Islamic buildings and that includes the Turkish deli.

KIMBERLY: This is bullshit, they just hate this mosque because Muslims practice their religion there, it’s just a bunch of bigots, I would not expect this from such a liberal state like Vermont. It’s their first amendment right to practice their religion anywhere they want and fear-mongered hysteria should not halt that.

ETHAN: Listen Kimberly, this mosque is almost three-hundred miles from Ground Zero, why would we disrespect the memories of the fallen with a mosque?

KIMBERLY: That’s not disrespecting their memories at all, whether people like it or not, Muslims have a first amendment right to practice their religion in the way they see fit as long as it isn’t illegal.

ETHAN: Well, when they sued the mosque, they peppered a completely baseless terrorism accusation for good measure.

KIMBERLY: I’m going to visit this mosque and take a stand.

(Kimberly leaves. Suddenly, Ethan receives a call on his cell phone)

ETHAN: Hello?

MAYOR SARANDON: (On the line) Hey, I know it’s a Saturday, but I need you to come in.

ETHAN: Damnit, why?

MAYOR SARANDON: They’ve decided.

ETHAN: Oh, really? Alright, I’ll be there soon.

(Ethan hangs up and leaves the dining room. Cut to Mayor Sarandon, Tim, Mason, Maria, Ethan and two others, all dressed business casual in Mayor Sarandon’s office)

MAYOR SARANDON: I just got word from the Democratic Party of Hansbay, Vermont that they have nominated a dark horse candidate to run against me in November.

TIM: Who is he?

MAYOR SARANDON: He is local businessman Mordecai Lautenberg.

ETHAN: Mordecai Lautenberg? Why does that name sound familiar?

MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t know, but he’s some Jewish businessman with political aspirations. He’s fifty-one with no obvious skeletons in his closet.

MASON: What about the six million skeletons in his closet from the 1940s?


TIM: What the fuck is wrong with you?

ETHAN: How are you the HR guy? Anyway, there’s got to be something about this guy we can exploit.

MAYOR SARANDON: I looked through everything; he’s a fucking boy scout. He owns a successful education supply company in Hansbay, he does volunteer work, there’s not a scratch on his record.

GUY: Not an obvious scratch.

MAYOR SARANDON: Exactly. Tatum, as my campaign manager, I need you and Ethan to pick up as much dirt on this guy as possible. A complete schmear campaign. Tim, you’re the treasurer, you’re going to appropriate money for yard signs to make Mordecai look bad after we’ve found something. And Nathan, as my city council chairman, you’re going to continually make speeches on the floor of the council on why Mordecai is a baby rapist or whatever we find out about him.

MARIA: Just a question, instead of relentlessly attacking him as a bad person, couldn’t you guys just criticize his policies as ineffective and misguided?

(There is a pause and then everybody cracks up laughing)

MAYOR SARANDON: (Laughing) Yeah, Maria, let’s take the high road!

(He laughs even more)

ETHAN: (Laughing) Maria, get out of here!

(As they continue to cackle, Maria leaves in a huff. After a few seconds, the laughing dies down)

MAYOR SARANDON: Wow, that was too funny.

TATUM: By the way, is there no way we can exploit the Jewish angle?

ETHAN: No, that’s too risky.

TATUM: C’mon, we could allege he’s involved in an international banking conspiracy or maybe draw him with a big Jew nose.

MAYOR SARANDON: No, no, no, that’s far too inappropriate. Although we could subtly imply that he can’t eat pork.

ETHAN: He can’t eat pork.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, and who doesn’t like pork? Now, Ethan and Tatum, go find some shiz on him.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah, Michael and Eric sitting in Ryan’s room with emo music playing while talking)

ERIC: So I said that I was just joking and I left.

MICHAEL: How is crashing into a parking meter during Driver’s Ed a joke?

BRENNAN: Can we please return to the conversation about how my dad doesn’t understand me?

RYAN: None of our dads understand us.

SARAH: Yeah, it doesn’t mean we have to talk about it all the time.

RYAN: Sarah, are you still dating Logan?

(Sarah pauses, then nods)

RYAN: How is that going?

(Sarah shrugs)

ERIC: Can you like…speak to us about it? With your mouth?

(Sarah shakes her head)

MICHAEL: You’re that embarrassed to be dating Logan?

(Sarah starts imitating a robot)

RYAN: Uh, uh, you’re the Terminator!

(Sarah shakes her head and starts acting like a puppy)

BRENNAN: Uh, uh, Skip? John Wayne? Clifford?

ERIC: What’s that? Little Timmy’s stuck in the well?

SARAH: Yes, I’m that embarrassed to be dating Logan.

BRENNAN: Ah. Well, you know what we haven’t done in forever?


BRENNAN: We haven’t hung out at Town Center in a long time.

RYAN: That’s true. Do you guys want to do that?

ERIC: Sure.


SARAH: Definitely.

RYAN: Great, I’ll invite Michelle. (Ryan takes out his phone as everyone else groans) Fuck you guys.

BRENNAN: No, we didn’t say anything.

(Ryan speed dials Michelle and she picks up)

MICHELLE: (On the phone) Hey Ryan, what’s up?

RYAN: Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to come to town center with Brennan, Eric, Michael, Sarah and I.

MICHELLE: Sure. What time?

RYAN: Um, meet us there at seven o’clock.

MICHELLE: Will do. Goodbye, Ry-Ry.

RYAN: Bye, Chelle-Chelle.


(Ryan hangs up)

RYAN: She’s on board!

SARAH: Cool. Just, please don’t be weird in front of us.

RYAN: What do you mean?

SARAH: Like-

RYAN: What do you mean by that, exactly?

SARAH: Don’t…ugh, never mind.

RYAN: That’s right never mind.

(Cut to a protest outside an almost finished Mosque in Hansbay called the “Mohammed is God Islamic Center and Spa of Hansbay, Vermont, coming Fall 2012”. A Muslim family consisting of a father, a mother, a son and a daughter, all dressed in traditional Islamic clothing, are standing outside the Mosque watching it being built)



(Kimberly walks through the crowd to see the Mosque under construction)

KIMBERLY: What is going on here?

PROTESTOR: This mosque is being built!

ANOTHER PROTESTOR: Shit, this is a mosque? I thought this was the watch shop protest.

(That protestor leaves)

KIMBERLY: Why would have a problem with a watch shop? Also, why do YOU people have a problem with this mosque?

PROTESTOR: Because it is actually a terrorist organization disguised as a mosque!

KIMBERLY: What are you basing that on?

PROTESTOR: The word of the one and only true God: hearsay.

KIMBERLY: Great. I think you should leave these poor people alone. They have the constitutional right to practice their religion wherever they want.

(A fat man with white hair, sunglasses, a suit and a baseball cap comes out of the crowd)

MAN: Don’t lecture us about religious freedom when there’s not a single church or synagogue in Saudi Arabia!

(The crowd verbally agrees)

KIMBERLY: That’s not an argument, Saudi Arabia doesn’t have churches or synagogue because Saudi Arabia is an Islamic Theocracy while the United States is not, which is why we should allow Muslims to operate religious facilities in this country.

MAN: They can operate religious facilities here, as long as they’re churches!

(The crowd cheers)

PROTESTOR: But also, I do not want them to operate churches either.

(They all verbally agree)

MAN: Fair enough.

KIMBERLY: That’s not fair at all-wait a minute, are you Newt Gingrich?


(Newt runs away)

KIMBERLY: …Anyway, who’s leading this movement to suppress religious freedom?

(The protestor steps up)

PROTESTOR: I am. My name is Grant Gilchrest and I am from the organization “Humans Against Terrorist Establishments”

(Grant takes out a sign that says “H.A.T.E.”)

KIMBERLY: Wow, you really should’ve picked a different name.

GRANT: Well guess what? The Southern Poverty Law Center says we’re (Cool voice) RADICAL!

KIMBERLY: I don’t think they were saying it in that context, how is it that people in the very liberal state of Vermont are against this mosque?

GRANT: We come to towns up north where mosques are being built and we use fear-mongering and slander to ferment hatred amongst the populace.

KIMBERLY: Wow, I’m surprised you would openly admit that.

GRANT: Don’t diminish our accomplishments missy. We have successfully organized hysteria. In my mind, that’s pretty impressive.

KIMBERLY: In your mind, yelling at a family because they are different than you is appropriate, so excuse me if I don’t defer to your judgment.

GRANT: Defer!

KIMBERLY: You people are simply being intolerant of a peaceful group of people trying to practice their religion because you disagree with it or you associate it with terrorism.

GRANT: I have the first amendment right to say whatever I want because this America. If you don’t like that, I’ll help you pack your bags.

KIMBERLY: Nobody’s arguing against that, that’s just a cheap fallback because you don’t have an argument.

(Grant lifts up his shirt to reveal a gun)

GRANT: I would be very careful about what you say to me.

KIMBERLY: Jesus Christ!

GRANT: What? I have the second amendment right to carry this gun with me.

KIMBERLY: Once again, nobody’s arguing against that, but that makes me very uncomfortable.

GRANT: Does it now?

(A French soldier walks over)

FRENCH SOLDIER: (French accent) Bonjour. My name is Jacque. I was hoping to crash at your place tonight. We can watch Thelma and Louise.


KIMBERLY: How did-

GRANT: It’s my third amendment right to-

(Cut to Ryan, Eric, Brennan, Michael and Sarah at Town Center near a fountain with tons of other kids around)

RYAN: Sometimes I think Siri really knows me.


RYAN: Check this out.

(Ryan takes out his iPhone and presses the Siri application)

RYAN: Siri, do you know me?

SIRI: Do you want me to look up “Do you know me?” on Google?

RYAN: Damnit. (Ryan puts away his Siri) Okay, bad example.

(Michelle comes up behind Ryan and covers his eyes)

MICHELLE: Guess who it is?

RYAN: Steve Buscemi?

MICHELE: Does Steve Buscemi have breasts sticking into your back?

RYAN: Is this a trick question?

MICHELLE: How would this be a trick question? It’s Michelle!

(Ryan turns around)


(Ryan and Michelle start making out, making Brennan, Michael, Sarah and Eric visibly uncomfortable)

MICHAEL: God, this hurts me physically.

(Brennan has his phone out)

BRENNAN: Yeah, Ryan’s tweeting about it as he’s doing it.

ERIC: That’s impressive.

SARAH: I don’t know why you guys are so hurt by it, there’s not a single person in our group that’s not in a relationship. Eric’s with Scarlett, Michael’s with Brennan and I’m with (mumble)

BRENNAN: That’s actually not the case.

ERIC: Yeah, not for me either.

SARAH: What happened?

MICHAEL: I was just with Brennan to spite Ryan, but then he stopped paying attention when we made out directly in front of his bedroom window, so we ended it.

ERIC: Yeah, and Scarlett was jealous of my turtle, so we broke up and she moved to Uzbekistan.


(Ryan and Michelle stop making out)

RYAN: Okay, what do you guys want to do?

MICHELLE: Well I’m hungry, so I say we get something to eat.

ERIC: Well, there’s a Chic-Fil-a in town center.


ERIC: Oh yeah.

RYAN: We should ask for a gay marriage there, though.

(A man behind them stands up on a box with a megaphone)

MAN: PEOPLE OF HANSBAY TOWN CENTER! THIS IS A WARNING! My name is Clay Malone, by the way. To all of you who thought you could come here and congregate and have a good time unimpinged by people trying to shove their religious beliefs down your throat in a public place, YOU WERE WRONG! And guess what? I’m going to do that. OKAY? SO TAKE THAT, RANDOM PEOPLE! I AM HERE TO YELL THING AT YOU THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR! Because guess how many times someone has been converted by some lunatic yelling at them in a public area?

RYAN: Twice a decade?


RYAN: Then why do you do it?!


BRENNAN: How do you know God exists?

CLAY: Because a group of people 2,000 years ago wrote a book that says he exists and that his son is Jesus Christ.

RYAN: Right, but they were just a group of people, how would they know?


RYAN: Don’t yell, okay? Is there any proof of that?

CLAY: Proof? Religion doesn’t need proof. The proof is the book.

RYAN: So the proof that God wrote the bible through man is the book itself?

CLAY: Yeah! How else did the book get there?

RYAN: Maybe it was written by man through man?


RYAN: Listen, the story of Jesus is an interesting one, but the problem is the exact same story belongs to many mythological beings that pre-date Jesus. Horus was the sun God in ancient Egypt before Christ and according to legend he was born of a Virgin on December 25 and his birth was marked by a star in the east. He was adorned by three kings and became a teacher at age 12, was baptized at age 30 and had twelve disciples and went around performing miracles such as healing the sick and walking on water. He was also crucified, buried for three days and then resurrected. Sound familiar?

CLAY: Was that the plot of The Fifth Element?

RYAN: No, that was the story of Jesus Christ. Not only is that story shared by Horus, but very similar stories belong to mythical beings such as Attis of Greece, Krishna of India, Dionysus of Greece, Mithra of Persia and literally dozens more.

CLAY: Listen, I don’t care about your stupid Dialysis or Greece or your stupid Meth lab or Persia or whatever, Jesus Christ is the light of the world, the alpha and omega and the son of God.

RYAN: That’s the thing, almost every single one of these mythical beings with attributes similar to Jesus were called those things. These are facts, you can’t deny them.

(Beckett, Jacob, Kirsten and Ross walk up to the preacher and Jacob and Ryan scowl at each other)

BECKETT: Yeah! God doesn’t exist!

RYAN: Well, to be fair, you have no more proof of that as he does of God existing.

BECKETT: Yeah I do, okay? This arrogant jackass can claim something’s true despite their being no evidence of it, so by Hansen’s Theory of Logic, I can claim something’s not true despite their being no evidence of it.

RYAN: Who is Hansen?

JACOB: If I could get a word in-

RYAN: Shut your FUCKING mouth.

JACOB: Okay.

(A police officer walks over)

POLICE OFFICER: Hello there, folks. We got a noise complaint that there was some jackass standing on a stool ruining everybody’s Saturday night.

CLAY: Not my Saturday night! I have no wife and only a still born baby to bear my name; I’m having the time of my life!

RYAN: Wow. Officer, I believe this man is a disturbance of the peace.

CLAY: Hey, I have my first amendment rights!

OFFICER: That’s true, I have no latitude to arrest him unless he’s screaming curse words.

(Logan runs over and steps on his foot)


LOGAN: Now can you arrest him?

OFFICER: No, but I can arrest you for assault.

LOGAN: Oh, really?

SARAH: Go with the police man, Logan.

LOGAN: FUCK HIM! See ya, Sar-bear.

(Logan runs away as the officer chases him)

SARAH: Oh my God…

ERIC: (Laughs) Your boyfriend’s fucking crazy!

CLAY: Listen people! By following Jesus, you are following goodness. Jesus promotes respect for your fellow man, decency, honesty, empathy and charity. There no nobler paths than the path to the lord. Follow that and you will be saved. There are no other options.

RYAN: Oh my God, let’s just go.

(Ryan, Michelle, Brennan, Eric and Sarah walk away as Jacob, Beckett and Ross walk away. Cut to Ethan and Tatum in a parked car outside the Lautenberg household. Ethan is holding binoculars)

ETHAN: He should come out any second.

TATUM: What are you basing that off of?

ETHAN: …Chance.

TATUM: Got it.

(Mordecai comes out of his house to take out the trash)

ETHAN: There he is! What’s in that bag?

TATUM: Probably trash.

ETHAN: Or maybe drugs.

TATUM: Probably not, but we could put drugs in there once he goes back inside.

(Mordecai puts the bag down on the curb and starts walking back)

ETHAN: That sounds really unethical.

TATUM: Since when are you against being unethical?

ETHAN: I don’t know, maybe since Brian and I were outed as corrupt fiends?

TATUM: Well, I have drugs I could plant on him. We could either plant them, or smoke them.

ETHAN: You have drugs?

TATUM: Yeah, I have an ounce of weed.

ETHAN: You shouldn’t have drugs considering recent events, you work for the Mayor.

TATUM: And you do to, yet I see you smoking pot outside our building at least once a fortnight.

ETHAN: Nobody says fortnight, and yeah, that’s medical weed, I get migraine headaches.

TATUM: That’s so awesome.

ETHAN: It’s not awesome, they really hurt.

TATUM: How do I get them?

ETHAN: How about I knock you over the head with these binoculars and you’ll find out?


(Mordecai walks out of his house with Kyle and gets into his car)

ETHAN: Holy shit! That’s why I recognize him! He’s my daughter’s ex-boyfriend’s dad and he was at my Fourth of July party and there’s my daughter’s ex-boyfriend!

TATUM: My God, the Democratic candidate’s son had sex with the Mayor’s Chief of Staff’s daughter?

ETHAN Whoa! Why are you assuming they had sex?

TATUM: I don’t know, sorry. Regardless, we have to follow them.

(Ethan and Tatum start up the car and follow Mordecai and Kyle. Cut to Kimberly walking into the Mayor’s office. Every employee turns around to see her)

MARIA: Hi, can I help you?

KIMBERLY: Yes, I’m Ethan’s wife. Is he here?

MARIA: I’m sorry, no, he’s out right now. Would you like to leave a message?

KIMBERLY: No, let me just talk to the Mayor.

MARIA: In regards to what?

KIMBERLY: The Mosque on Steno Street.

(Two employees rise from their desks and walk over to greet Kimberly)

EMPLOYEE: Hi, I’m Ben. The mosque on Steno Street is under my department’s jurisdiction.

EMPLOYEE 2: I’m John Baerwald and I’m also in his department.

KIMBERLY: What is your department?

JOHN: Chamber of Commerce. We issue permits to businesses and religious establishments, but we decided to revoke the permit for the mosque on Steno because they’re Muslims-

BEN: Whoa, whoa. No, we did it because they did not give the public sufficient notice.

KIMBERLY: It’s been known to the public for twelve years.

JOHN: If I may say so Mrs. Donahue, you are a lovely, vibrant and verile woman, so you must be able to understand that zoning is a complicated process.

BEN: Did that first part really need to be said?

JOHN: Yes.

KIMBERLY: Listen, these are law-abiding Muslims and all they want to do is congregate in a mosque and practice their religion. It’s their first amendment right.

BEN: It’s not really our call to make, we’re under direct orders from the Mayor to postpone its approval.

KIMBERLY: Maybe I can nudge him in the right direction.

JOHN: Be our guest, madam.

BEN: Please stop.

(Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Sarah, Brennan, Sarah and Eric in an elongated booth in the corner of a restaurant. Sarah seems distracted and a black waitress comes over)

WAITRESS: Welcome to Snappy’s, how may I help you, horde of posers?

RYAN: Excuse me?

WAITRESS: Just tell me what you want.

RYAN: I don’t eat in front of people, because it’s weird. (Pause) Um, usually Madeline comes in here and agrees with me, but…anyway, what do you want, Michelle?

MICHELLE: I would like a cheeseburger with no broccoli, please.

WAITRESS: When is broccoli ever on a cheese burger?

(She writes it down)

ERIC: I’d like a chili bowl, please.

(She writes it down)

BRENNAN: Cheese fries, extra cheese with bacon.

(She writes that down)

MICHAEL: I’d like…can I have a minute?

(Everybody groans)

RYAN: You are terrible at life! Just pick something and own it.

MICHAEL: Fine, fine! I’d like a…a, uh…maybe…(Ryan stares at him with increasing disdain) perhaps…corn on the cob?



MICHELLE: NO! He’ll have corn on the cob.

(She writes it down)

WAITRESS: Okay, is that it?

RYAN: …Yes.


(She leaves)

ERIC: I do not like her attitude.

RYAN: Yeah, I’m not a fan either.

MICHELLE: Well, I don’t know if you guys heard, but I’m laying down the law when it comes to Ryan and drugs.

RYAN: Yeah, Michelle’s my probation officer now.

(Most of them chuckle)

MICHAEL: Well, I hope you don’t mind if Eric, Brennan and I still get high and watch Kayushi.

RYAN: Oh, I so miss that.

MICHELLE: But, he’s glad to try some new things. We’re making art together.

RYAN: That’s true. We’re making album covers for bands that don’t exist yet.

MICHELLE: I thought we were just making paintings.

RYAN: Oh. Well, to me they are album covers. You know that painting of the guy with an apple in front of his face? Well, this time the apple has BLOOD. And so does the guy.

ERIC: Is that the twist?

RYAN: Yeah, the guy has blood.

MICHELLE: Someone is missing from this conversation…Sarah, what’s wrong?

SARAH: Um…nothing.

MICHELLE: C’mon, is it your boyfriend running from a cop?

SARAH: No, it’s just …maybe some of what that guy said at the fountain had substance. You know? All of us, we focus so much on things that don’t matter and consume ourselves with drugs or-


SARAH: TV shows or superficial relationships that I think we forget about what we can do for our communities. Like that guy said; respect for your fellow man, decency, honesty, empathy and charity.

RYAN: First of all, by superficial relationships I assume you mean you and Logan, not Michelle and I.

SARAH: I mean a lot of relationships. Including ones that are over, like Michael and Brennan or Eric and Scarlett.

RYAN: Second of all, Sarah there is plenty of ways to follow those principles without also following a man who died nearly 2000 years ago. You can respect your fellow man; you can be decent, honest, empathic and charitable all by yourself. Religious charities do great things and there are religious people who are magnificent people but there are also plenty of religious people who are bad people. Plus, there are plenty of non-religious people who are good and who are bad, goodness doesn’t depend on religion necessarily, it is just innate.

SARAH: That’s true. Well, then we should volunteer at charities some time.

(Everybody except Sarah move uncomfortably in their chairs)



RYAN: My back hurts, so…

MICHELLE: The weather…

(Madeline runs in, out of breath)

MADELINE: It’s weird!

(Ryan and Madeline hug and then she leaves. Cut to Ethan and Tatum following Mordecai’s car. He pulls up to a synagogue and gets out and Ethan’s car pulls up as well. His son and him walk into the synagogue)

ETHAN: Damnit! He’s just at a synagogue.

TATUM: You know, a hundred years ago this would’ve been fair game.

ETHAN: Yeah, well now it’s not. Tatum, this is going to be the toughest election for Sarandon ever. If he wins, he’s going to be Hansbay’s longest-serving Mayor, even longer than that guy who died in office of syphilis.

TATUM: Luckily I brought these (holds up yarmulkes and fake beards0 yarmulkes and fake beards so we could go undercover.


(Cut to Ethan and Tatum sitting behind Mordecai and Kyle in the synagogue)

RABBI: ?? ????? ???? YHVH ?????? ???, ??? ??? ???? ????? ?? ?? ??? ?????? ???, ???? ?? ??? ???? ????. ???? ???? ?? ? '?????? ??? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?????.?? '????? ??? ?? ?????? ???? ???? ?? ???, ?? ?, ????? ???? ??? ???? ???? ????, ??? ???? ?????.

(As the rabbi continues talking, Ethan and Tatum whisper)

TATUM: I see so many writers in here.

ETHAN: Oh my God, Tatum, there are not writers in here, this is an orthodox synagogue.

TATUM: I’ve seen Jonah Goldberg, Jon Stewartburg, Amir Blumenfeld and Seth MacFarlaneburg.

ETHAN: He’s not even Jewish.

MORDECAI: Hey Kyle, how’s that pyramid scheme of ours going?

ETHAN: Holy shit, record this.

(Tatum gets out his tape recorder)

KYLE: Oh, it’s going well. The international banking conspirators are going to be so excited. We should have a hummus and motza ball party in Tel Aviv and discuss our plans to rule the world.

ETHAN: This is getting weird.

(Mordecai and Kyle turn around in their seats wielding two magnums and pointing them at Ethan and Tatum)


MORDECAI: (Whispering) You motherfuckers better hand me those tape recorders right now.

ETHAN: (Whispering) Is nobody else noticing this?


(Ethan and Tatum hand them the tape recorder)

KYLE: Thanks, boys. Now meshuginah your tuckuses out of here.


KYLE: Leave.

TATUM: Got it.

(Ethan and Tatum quickly leave as Kyle and Mordecai turn back around in their seats. A close-up on the guns reveal the “BUCK BB GUNS INC.” logo. Cut to Kimberly in Mayor Sarandon’s office)

KIMBERLY: Mr. Mayor, these Muslims have the right to the same scrutiny as any other public building. Why are you discriminating against them?

MAYOR SARANDON: It’s quite simple, really. I don’t trust them.

KIMBERLY: Wow, that was blunt.

MAYOR SARANDON: It’s true. I believe they are trying to set up a terrorist base here in Hansbay, and I won’t have it.

KIMBERLY: You realize there’s been a mosque on Lyndon avenue for like thirty years, right?

MAYOR SARANDON: My father had a saying. “A recent mosque is more dangerous than an old mosque”. If the mosque on Lyndon’s been here so long and hasn’t set up Sharia law by now, then they won’t.

KIMBERLY: How do you know this new mosque will?

MAYOR SARANDON: Because I found this at the site. (Mayor Sarandon pulls out a blue print of the Mosque’s construction) Clearly, they are trying to cultivate a bomb.

KIMBERLY: That’s a building. That’s just the floor plan for the mosque.

MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, what about this room? The “praying” room. They could mean preying on the flesh of innocents.

KIMBERLY: That’s perfectly logical to think, but, it could also mean praying to their God.

MAYOR SARANDON: Kimberly, don’t question my double standards, okay? This nation is a Christian nation founded on Christian values.

KIMBERLY: No, it’s not.

MAYOR SARANDON: Kimberly, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

KIMBERLY: This nation was founded on the principles of freedom of religion and one of our founding fathers Benjamin Franklin didn’t really adhere to Christian values, by the way. He quite enjoyed the company of French whores.

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, if your argument is that all Christians have to be perfect to be Christian, then nobody is a Christian.

KIMBERLY: …Touché.

MAYOR SARANDON: Yes. (Pause0 You know what? Musliimism-

KIMBERLY: Not what it’s called.

MAYOR SARANDON: Is a religion I don’t agree with, but I do suppose we have no evidence of any wrongdoing or reason to scrutinize this mosque harder than any other building. So, since you’re so damn cute, I’ll give it the go ahead.

KIMBERLY: Wait, are you doing it because you have no reason to scrutinize it or because I’m so damn cute?

(Mayor Sarandon chuckles, rises from his chair and leaves the room. Cut to the Commerce area of desks. Mayor Sarandon and Kimberly walk over to it)

MAYOR SARANDON: This magnificent young lady has-


MAYOR SARANDON: HAS brought some things to my attention, so I’d like you to give the go ahead to the mosque on Steno.

BEN: Are you sure, sir?

MAYOR SARANDON: I said it, didn’t I?

JOHN: He did say it.

BEN: Okay, yes sir.

(Mayor Sarandon turns to Kimberly)

KIMBERLY: Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

MAYOR SARANDON: You are welcome.

(Ethan and Tatum run in)

ETHAN: Brian!


(Mayor Sarandon and Kimberly turn around and walk over to them)

ETHAN: Oh, hi Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: Hello, Ethan.

ETHAN: What are you-

TATUM: Brian, we followed Mordecai to the synagogue and him and his son pointed guns at us and took our tape recorders.


ETHAN: Yeah!

MAYOR SARANDON: Well, that’s a scandal if I’ve ever heard one, and I’ve heard far too many, mostly about myself.

ETHAN: I don’t know Brian, I’m scared they’ll hurt us if we take advantage of that situation. Plus, we don’t really have any evidence of what happened.

MAYOR SARANDON: You’re scared they’ll hurt you, not us. So go to the ad agency we hired and let it happen.

TATUM: I don’t know about this, Brian. They meant business.

MAYOR SARANDON: Where are your balls?

ETHAN: Brian, we could be in danger.

MAYOR SARANDON: Get it done!

(Mayor Sarandon walks away and Tatum does as well and Ethan walks up to Kimberly)

ETHAN: Kimmy, I think I should sleep in our bed, tonight. I’m scared.

KIMBERLY: Ethan, did the guns look real?

ETHAN: Yeah. I think.

KIMBERLY: So they weren’t small with little finger grips?

ETHAN: Actually, they may have been smaller than normal guns. Slightly.

KIMBERLY: So you’re sure they weren’t the guns Mordecai let Jeffrey Sanford play with at our Fourth ofJuly party?

ETHAN: No…I think they were, actually.

KIMBERLY: Alright then. See? Nothing to worry about.

ETHAN: But that doesn’t matter Kimberly, I want to sleep in the same bed as you tonight.

KIMBERLY: Sorry, Ethan, but no. I did something good today.

(Kimberly walks away, leaving Ethan befuddled. Cut to Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Michelle, Michael, Eric, Jacob, Ross, Beckett and Madeline as well as other random people crowded around some scene kid playing his guitar while singing “Dear Maria” by All Time Low)

SCENE KID: (Singing) I’ve got your picture, I’m coming with you, dear Maria, count me in. There’s a story at the bottom of this bottle and I’m the pen. When the lights go off, I want to watch the way you take the stage by storm. The way you wrap those boys around your finger. Go on and play the leader, 'cause you know it's what you're good at. The low road for the fast track. Make every second laAaAast.

(As he continues singing, the following exchange occurs)

RYAN: Sarah, I’m sorry about what happened earlier.

SARAH: What do you mean?

RYAN: I mean you’re right. We do have a community to give back to. Tomorrow, let’s say you and I and maybe some of these guys find a place to volunteer. We could get some community service hours in and it would look great on a college resume.

SARAH: …I’d like that.

RYAN: Great.

SCENE KID: Make it count when I'm the one who's selling you out 'cause it feels like stealing hearts calling your name from the crowd.

(Ryan gives Sarah a friendly kiss on the cheek and then puts his arms around Michelle, leaving Sarah smiling. Fade to black)


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