“Here’s a Japanese sandman sneaking on with ado. Just an old second hand man. He’ll buy your old days from you.”
-Raymond B. Egan
(We start with Keith Farmella in his office reading news on his laptop)
KEITH: (Lisp) Look at that. A Pennsylvania court upheld the voter ID law. Thank God. Voter suppression is so much easier than making Mitt Romney not seem like a mega-rich, completely out of touch, flip-flopping possibly criminal Mormon.
(Keith’s secretary walks in)
SECRETARY: Sir, I have some bad news.
KEITH: What is it, Olivia? I’m on a voter ID high over here.
OLIVIA: I just read in the Hansbay Quintessential that Mayor Sarandon canceled your museum construction idea.
KEITH: GET MR. DONAHUE ON THE PHONE!
OLIVIA: Yes, sir.
(She starts to leave)
KEITH: DO IT NOW!
OLIVIA: I was about to do it until your started screaming at me!
(Olivia leaves the room and sets up the call. Keith picks up the phone. The phone rings several times and then goes to Ethan’s voicemail)
ETHAN: This is Ethan Donahue; please leave a message after the beep, unless you have not yet been baptized. (Keith hangs up, gets up, grabs his coat and walks out the door. Cut to Ethan getting a physical. A doctor is holding his balls)
DOCTOR: Okay, turn your head and cough.
DOCTOR: You didn’t turn your head.
ETHAN: Oh, sorry, Doctor Hammond. Does that affect anything?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: No, I just don’t like being coughed on.
ETHAN: Oh, okay. So, no hernias down there?
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Nope.
ETHAN: Great…so can you stop holding on to my balls please? (Keith busts into the room and punches Doctor Hammond in the face, knocking him out and grabs Ethan by the balls and hoists him up against the wall, causing him to scream in pain) AHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
KEITH: I HEARD SOMEONE CANCELED MY MUSEUM!
ETHAN: THAT WAS MAYOR SARANDON! HE DID IT! I TOLD HIM NOT TO!
KEITH: OH, REALLY?
ETHAN: YES! IT WAS ALL Him!
KEITH: WELL, I ALSO HEARD YOUR DAUGHTER IS HALF-WOLF!
ETHAN: WHAT? (Keith lets go of Ethan’s balls and punches him in the face, causing Ethan to collapse into the corner of the room) WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!!
KEITH: CHANGE HIS MND!
ETHAN: YOU’RE A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!
KEITH: DAMN RIGHT I AM! (Keith knees him in the face for breakfast) YOU HAVE EIGHT HOURS TO CONVINCE HIM OTHERWISE OR ELSE I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
(Keith takes out a mask and a gun and runs out of the room. Cut to the parking lot of the “Hammond-Brundage” private practice. He gets into his expensive car and drives off. Cut to the waiting room. Ethan is cowering in fear in the corner as Doctor Hammond gets up)
DOCTOR HAMMOND: What the hell happened?
ETHAN: Some psycho came in here and beat both of us up.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Jesus.
ETHAN: I know. I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids again.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Your chart said you got a vasectomy in 1996.
ETHAN: Shut it, okay? I’m in a lot of pain.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Well, I’m gonna call the police.
ETHAN: NO! DON’T!
DOCTOR HAMMOND: Are you mad? I think he may have given me a concussion. Get me an apple juice.
DOCTOR HAMMOND: My coat I said!
ETHAN: I have to go, don’t call the police or my family might be in danger.
(Ethan runs out of the room. Cut to outside the Mayor’s office. Ethan runs in looking visibly injured)
ETHAN: Attention everyone!
(Everybody turns around to see him)
ASIAN ASSISTANT TREASURER: OH MY GOD, what happened to you?
ETHAN: I’m fine, Conan. I really am, it’s just that I was punched repeatedly by Keith Farmella while I was in the middle of a physical.
DARK-HAIRED GIRL: WHAT? Why would he do that?
ETHAN: It’s quite simple, Taylor. Because the Mayor shut down his museum idea. Not a big deal.
SOME COMMERCE WORKER: Stop trying to pretend like this isn’t a big deal Ethan, this is clearly a HUGE deal.
ETHAN: Tyler, have you ever been in a fight before?
TYLER: I fought my dad when I was young. He won. Repeatedly. I also didn’t volunteer for the fights.
ETHAN: Okay, enough about Tyler’s sad life. Let’s focus.
JOHN: Yeah, let’s focus on calling the police.
(Mayor Sarandon comes out of his office)
MAYOR SARANDON: What’s with the yelling?
ETHAN: Brian, I had a minor scuffle with-
TATUM: Ethan got the shit beaten out of him by Keith Farmella.
MAYOR SARANDON: WHAT?
ETHAN: Tatum, stop being dramatic. Although, it was during the “turn and cough” part.
(Everybody groans in disgust)
SOME GIRL FROM COMMERCE: So, I’m assuming he took advantage of that?
ETHAN: …I was hoping you would not bring that up, but yes, Sophie, he did.
BEN: You were the one who brought it up.
MAYOR SARANDON: Focus, people! We need to call Sherriff Warren.
ETHAN: No, Brian, we need to not do that. If he finds out we snitched he will do something crazy and psychopathic to me or my family.
TIM: He’s right, back down.
JOHN: No, NEVER back down. I will fight Keith myself.
ETHAN: John, you couldn’t fight your way out of an anorexic colony. We are going to simply reinstate the museum and then he will do no harm.
MAYOR SARANDON: What? We’re not reinstating the museum, Ethan. That is the worst idea; we don’t have the money or the resources.
TIM: Yet, we have the money and the resources to host the Olympics?
MAYOR SARANDON: That is different.
ETHAN: How? Listen; if we don’t reinstate the museum idea then he said he will burn my house down.
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus. You know, if we just call the authorities, they’ll get to him before he can do anything to harm you.
ETHAN: No, this guy is good. He’s a sociopath; he made a pledge drink a bunch of water in college so he would die of water intoxication just because he thought it was funny. He’s crafty and cunning and he’s going to elude the police somehow. I know that. I KNOW IT.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, calm yourself. Let’s put an ice pack on those punch wounds and maybe get an ice pack for your testicles and then we’ll talk this out. MARIA! TWO ICE PACKS, STAT! (Maria goes to get ice packs)You know, after what I did with Sandra last night, I might need an ice pack.
ETHAN: Please stop.
(Cut to Ryan, Sarah and Brennan at the edge of Lake Champlain, admiring it)
RYAN: It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
SARAH: It really is. Siri told me this was the best location to dispose of human remains.
(They all chuckle)
BRENNAN: So, I want to feed the ducks.
RYAN: Okay, get out the bread.
(Brennan takes out hot-crumb bread and starts throwing it around)
BRENNAN: C’mere, duckies.
RYAN: Dude, what the fuck?
RYAN: That’s hot crumb bread, really delicious and expensive bread. You don’t use that for ducks, you use the bread that went bad two weeks ago.
BRENNAN: Well, so sorry, but I like the ducks of Lake Champlain to dine on quality bread.
RYAN: I was gonna eat that bread, though.
BRENNAN: Well, now it’s for the mallards.
SARAH: Hey, do you think we’ll spot Champ?
RYAN: Oh my God, no.
BRENNAN: What’s Champ?
RYAN: Champ is a mythical creature that supposedly lives in Lake Champlain.
SARAH: He’s not mythical, he’s cryptozoological. He could be real.
RYAN: No, he couldn’t be. Whenever someone snaps a photo of Champ, it always turns out to be a log, a rock, a snake, a fish or a dead body. It’s never actually a serpentine plesiosaur.
SARAH: You’ve gotta believe, Ryan.
(Brennan begins throwing hot crumb bread by the lake and the ducks start eating it)
BRENNAN: Aw, they love it.
RYAN: I should be the one loving it. Mallard bitches.
SARAH: OH MY GOD, THERE’S CHAMP! (Pan to a log sticking out of the lake with a leaf on it) THIS IS SO AMAZING!
RYAN: That’s clearly a log.
SARAH: No, that’s Champ. Let me get out my phone.
(Sarah takes her phone out and snaps a pic)
RYAN: Sarah, there’s a fucking leaf on it.
SARAH: It’s his nose.
RYAN: It’s not.
(Ryan receives a text. He looks at his phone and the text is from Michelle. It says “come over, im lonely” he takes out his phone and thinks for a second. He then sends her a text reading “im in Burlington with my parents so I cant. Long story ill tell u later”)
RYAN: Well, we should get going.
SARAH: Get going where?
RYAN: Want to go to the Conveni-Mart?
SARAH: Definitely, I’ve already got my photographic evidence of Champ.
RYAN: Sure you did. But yeah, I need to get some more hot crumb bread.
(Ryan, Sarah and Brennan leave. A few seconds after they leave a serpentine beast’s head comes out of the lake and eats some hot crumb bread. Cut to Logan outside the Donahue household, near the air conditioning unit. He takes out a wrench and whacks it five times until it shuts off)
LOGAN: Perfect. Now, all I have to do is wait a couple of minutes. (Logan walks around to the backyard and looks through the window to see Kimberly in a cardigan, shirt and jeans reading a book on the couch) This is my best idea since I broke that other lady’s air conditioning. (Cut to a few minutes later. As Logan looks on, Kimberly notices how hot it became in the room and goes to the thermostat to set it. She does that and then takes off her cardigan to reveal a tank top) Oh my God, that is the tankiest top I have ever seen. (She goes into her bedroom) Damnit. (Cut to minutes later. She comes out wearing shorts) YES! What kind of crazy hot sexy activities is she going to do now? (She goes to the pantry and takes out sun chips, walks back into the living room, sits on the couch, turns on CNN and eats sun chips, getting crumbs on herself) Oh fuck yeah, get those crumbs on yourself. Oh my God, this is getting hot. (Kimberly goes to the fridge, takes out a gallon of milk and takes a swig from it) Have I been blessed by Buddha tonight! Thanks, Siddhartha! (She puts the milk back, shuts the door and then walks across the floor. She trips and scrapes her knee on the tile in her kitchen, causing her to tense up and growl in pain as she sits on the floor holding her knee) Dear lord, I’m getting a hemoglobin-slip! This is X-rated. Even though there’s no actual X-rating in the MPAA’s movie ratings system. (She limps to the cabinet and takes out some bandage and puts a bandage over the wound) Oh, don’t take it away! Although, that’s a hot bandage. Milky tan like a macchiato.
(Jacob walks to the backyard to see Logan there)
(Logan gasps and turns around)
LOGAN: (Nervous) Hey man, what’s up?
JACOB: Wha the fuck are you doing?!
LOGAN: I am at my house playing video games.
JACOB: Really? Because I sort of thought you were PEEPING ON MY FUCKING MOM!
LOGAN: I wasn’t, I was watching your guys’ TV through your window. Mine’s broken, someone whacked it with a wrench.
JACOB: I think you’re confusing your TV with OUR air conditioner! It saw it while I was walking back here. That explains why our house is so hot, you broke our air conditioner so you could watch my mom remove clothing, you FUCKING PERVERT?! (Jacob grabs Logan and throws him up against a brick wall of his house) NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!
LOGAN: LEAVE! I’M SORRY! I’LL FUCKING LEAVE!
JACOB: THAT’S GODDAMN RIGHT YOU’LL LEAVE!
LOGAN: DON’T TELL SARAH!
JACOB: Give me a reason not to tell Sarah.
LOGAN: I have money! I can pay you money.
(Jacob lowers Logan and lets go of him)
JACOB: How much?
LOGAN: I have a hundred dollars.
JACOB: Where did you get a hundred dollars?
LOGAN: Drug-dealing operation with the Mostly Shirtless Gang.
JACOB: Oh yeah. Well, I will not tell Sarah for one hundred dollars.
(Logan takes out three wads of cash and gives them to Jacob)
JACOB: …You have a hundred dollars in ones?
LOGAN: That way it’s more difficult to steal all of it.
JACOB: Nice logic. So, you also broke our air conditioning. How am I going to be recompensed for this?
LOGAN: I will fix it myself.
JACOB: Do you have any experience fixing air conditioning systems?
LOGAN: I have experience breaking air conditioning systems, so the fixing part will probably come naturally.
JACOB: …What about peeping on my mom? How are you going to recompense her?
LOGAN: I could do her a personal favor, if you catch my snow drift, brotha.
(Jacob takes off his DC shoe and hits Logan on the side of the head with it, knocking him out. Cut to Ethan sitting at his desk with an ice pack on his head. Mayor Sarandon, Ben, John, Conan, Tim, Taylor, Mason and Tatum are surrounding his desk)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, shouldn’t you call your family?
ETHAN: NO! Okay? I can’t alarm them, that’s the worst thing I could do right now.
BEN: And yet it’s the best thing you can do right now.
ETHAN: That is weird.
BEN: No, Ethan, I’m not saying it’s a paradox, I’m saying you NEED to call them and tell them.
ETHAN: No! All we have to do is reinstate the museum plan before eight hours is up and it’s only been twenty minutes since this happened. That was noon, which means we have until 8PM.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan, how about I send cops to your house?
ETHAN: That’s fine; just make sure NONE of them say why they’re there.
MAYOR SARANDON: Got it.
(Mayor Sarandon picks up a phone)
JOHN: Ethan, is the Mayor going to reinstate the museum project?
ETHAN: I don’t know, but that would the easiest way to resolve this.
JOHN: You know the real easiest way to resolve this? Send me to punch Keith in the mouth. I’ve done it before. That’s why he has that lisp.
MAYOR SARANDON: (On the phone) Sheriff Warren, send police officers to the Donahue household and have them protect the perimeter, but make sure not to alarm the family there and don’t tell them why you’re there and don’t even agree that it’s suspicious to have five cop cars parked in a random cul-de-sac…I don’t know, dress the officers up like Dora the Explorer, say it’s a kid’s party. Thanks. Bye.
(Mayor Sarandon hangs up)
ETHAN: Mr. Mayor, you’ve got to reinstate that project, that’s the only way he’s going to back down.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, I’ll do it, but as soon as that asshole’s in the slammer, I’m pulling the plug once again.
MAYOR SARANDON: Everybody back to work!
(All the employees that were gathered around the desk go back to their work stations. Mayor Sarandon picks up the phone and dials a number. Ethan sits at his desk, waiting. Suddenly, smoke starts seeping from under the front door)
ETHAN: Hey guys, is John having one of his Hookah parties outside?
JOHN: You know how I love unnecessarily elaborate ways to smoke tobacco, but no, I’m not.
ETHAN: Oh shit.
(Everybody looks at the smoke)
MAYOR SARANDON: FIRE!
ETHAN: DON’T SHOUT FIRE, IT’LL CAUSE A PANIC!
(Everybody jumps up in their seats)
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, fine, no panic, go back to work!
ETHAN: No, they can’t do that either!
(Ethan goes and looks out the window to see Keith looking up at him, he then goes back to where he was before)
BEN: What do we do?!
ETHAN: Keith set the building ablaze, we’ve got to get out of here, try the exits!
TAYLOR: KEITH DID THIS?!
ETHAN: YES! MOVE, MOVE!
(Everybody goes to one of the exits and Ethan touches the handle and jumps back)
ETHAN: FUCK, THAT’S HOT!
TATUM: Damnit, go to the other door! (They all run over to another door and Tatum touches the handle and jumps back) AGH! IT’S HOT! Damnit, I can’t die in here, I want to sleaze for a President someday!
ETHAN: We all have dreams to fulfill, okay? Let’s just get out of here, let’s go to the back door.
(They all run back there and Tyler taps the knob and jumps back)
TYLER: That’s hot. Really hot. Just leave me here.
MAYOR SARANDON: No way, no child left behind, right?
ETHAN: There’s one more door to open. (Ethan goes over to the other door, taps it and jumps back) GODDAMNIT! It’s hot!
CONAN: How else do we get out of here?!
JOHN: Okay, I’ve seen Prison Break, we’ve got to get out of here through a vent or maybe a sewer.
BEN: Okay, has the prison ever been on fire?
JOHN: Not technically.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ve seen The Wire, and the best thing we can do is put the fire out ourselves!
(Mayor Sarandon takes a hammer out of his pocket and smashes the glass containing the fire extinguisher, takes it out and busts open the door, revealing a fire. He sprays the fire with the foam and eventually some of the fire goes out. Then, out of the foam walks Keith Farmella)
(Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Sarah walking into the Conveni-Mart)
SARAH: Why is it called Conveni-Mart? Like, convenience?
RYAN: No, it’s owned by an Italian family called the Convenis. (They walk inside and the cashier is an Italian guy throwing pizza dough in the air) Hello, Mr. Conveni!
MR. CONVENI: Hello, Ryan! Would you like-a a frozen slush drink for fifty cents off?
RYAN: Sure, Mr. Conveni.
MR. CONVENI: Then go-a get it ya lazy bum!
(They both laugh)
RYAN: Oh, Mr. Conveni.
(A younger, slimmer Italian guy comes out of the backroom)
ITALIAN GUY: Hey, we need more paper in the printer. (Mr. Conveni clears his throat) Oh, yeah. (Mock Italian accent) We need-a more-a pepperoni for the printers-a, preferably ink and color-a, whenever it’s convenient for you-a! That’s amore! Arrivederci! Pizza pie! The princess! Whatever.
(He walks back into the back room. Ryan, Brennan and Sarah walk over to the frozen slushy drink area)
BRENNAN: Why is the cashier making a pizza?
RYAN: I don’t know.
BRENNAN: So, what should I get? The vaguely coke-flavored slushy or the vaguely coconut-flavored slushy?
SARAH: We could just go to the 7-11 across the street and get a Slurpee.
RYAN: Shut your hole, Sarah. We’re getting slushies from the Conveni-Mart.
MR. CONVENI: Yeah, Sarah! Also, if you get-a this (Points to a sign with the code 2718 on it) code on your slushy drink, you-a get to go-a on a free trip to Six Flags over New England in Massachusetts…a!
SARAH: Sweet. Too bad school starts next Monday.
(Michelle walks out of the snack aisle)
MICHELLE: Yeah, that does suck-RYAN?
RYAN: (Nervous) Hey Michelle.
MICHELLE: Ryan? You told me you were in Burlington.
RYAN: Yeah…I meant Burlington, New York.
MICHELLE: How is that better?
RYAN: I meant Burlington Coat Factory. The one on Ithaca Avenue.
MICHELLE: You said in the text that it’s a “long story”. Why would it be a long story if you were just in a coat store?
RYAN: I’m having a panic attack.
MICHELLE: Ryan! Stop lying to me.
RYAN: Fine, I lied to you. I apologize.
MICHELLE: Damn right you apologize!
BRENNAN: That doesn’t…
MICHELLE: Yeah, if he had said “I’m sorry” that would’ve worked better.
MICHELLE: I would’ve been like “Damn right you’re sorry”, but…he didn’t.
MICHELLE: Anyway, you LIED to me. Why?
RYAN: I just think we should all stop kidding ourselves here. Some of my friends don’t feel your presence is comforting. They groan when I call you to tag along in things. You were cold to them at Adam’s party two and a half months ago and they didn’t want you at town center a week ago.
MICHELLE: Well, I tried to hang out with them on the Fourth of July.
RYAN: Yeah, but you thought I was going to be involved until you found out that my dad was being a dick and didn’t let me go, so it was just you and my friends, and it was awkward.
MICHELLE: It wasn’t awkward, we had a good time, right guys?
SARAH: I’m not getting involved. But yeah, it was kind of awkward.
MICHELLE: Damnit. But that still doesn’t excuse you lying to me!
MR. CONVENI: Listen, I think you two are great together and you shouldn’t let this come between you.
MICHELLE: This has nothing to do with you! Ryan?
RYAN: Archipelago, stay out of this.
MR. CONVENI: Sorry.
MICHELLE: His name is Archipelago?
RYAN: Yes. Anyway, it’s just that I think my friends deserved to hang out with me alone, that’s all.
MICHELLE: Well then maybe you don’t DESERVE me.
(Michelle marches towards the door)
RYAN: Michelle! (Ryan walks after her, but Michelle waves him away. He stands there as she exits) Damnit.
BRENNAN: Can I get some beef jerky?
(Ryan looks back at him. Cut to Logan waking up in Jacob’s room, tied to a chair. The room is dimly lit)
LOGAN: What the…what the fuck? HELLO? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!
(Jacob comes in and closes the door)
JACOB: God can’t help you now.
LOGAN: I didn’t say anything about God.
JACOB: I know, you’re just supposed to say that.
LOGAN: Oh. Anyway, what the fuck are you doing?
JACOB: I am detaining you for being batshit insane.
LOGAN: I am nowhere near as insane as vespertilian feces.
JACOB: You are as crazy as a shithouse rat.
LOGAN: Why do all insane comparisons involve shit?
JACOB: You have the sanity of a shit-covered sloth on a Tuesday! Do you get that? Do you get it? You are a crazy person! You broke my air conditioning so you could peep on my sweating mom and then you suggested you would recompense her for that inappropriate act by having sex with her! So I knocked you out with my shoe and put you in here!
LOGAN: I never said we should have sex!
JACOB: You said you could “do her a favor if you catch my snow drift, bro”
LOGAN: Yeah, I meant I could shovel snow out of her driveway! I wouldn’t want to have sex with your 45-year old mom! Gross!
JACOB: First of all, it’s August, second of all, YOU were peeping on her!
LOGAN: Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with her! Don’t get high on your own supply, right?
JACOB: Fine, but you’re still crazy. You were peeping on her!
LOGAN: You know, in the old days peeping toms were cute, lovable rascals wreaking harmless havoc.
JACOB: No, they were always considered criminal delinquents. It was an invasion of privacy.
LOGAN: So, what are you going to do with me?
JACOB: Well…I ain’t buildin’ no book case.
JACOB: Sorry, that was a Boardwalk Empire quote.
LOGAN: That’s a good show.
JACOB: Yeah, it is. Anyway, I…have not really planned this out extensively as I should’ve.
JACOB: No worries, I will improvise. I will call an insane asylum in the area.
LOGAN: Yeah, there’s one in Brattleboro, the Brattleboro retreat.
JACOB: Oh, thanks.
LOGAN: You’re wel-FUCK! Why did I do that?
(Jacob goes online and looks up Brattleboro retreat)
JACOB: So this place is in Brattleboro, huh?
LOGAN: Yeah, I spent three years there. 2009-2012. It’s quite esteemed, it’s a member of the Ivy League.
JACOB: I see. Why is anything good in this state always on the very edge of the state? Anyway, it says the phone number right here. 1-800-738-7328.
(Jacob calls the mental institution)
WOMAN: (On the phone) Thank you for calling the Brattleboro Retreat, the friendliest name for an insane asylum we could come up with. How can I help you?
JACOB: Hi, I have a potential patient here. He’s this kid I caught peeping on my mom. Now he’s in my room, completely by his own will.
LOGAN: THAT’S NOT TRUE!
JACOB: SHUT IT! Anyway, can I admit him for being a voyeur?
WOMAN: He needs to be declared mentally incompetent by a court, sir.
JACOB: Come on! He knocked out the principal, he’s in a gang, he stole a counselor’s car, he peeped on my mom, he’s crazy! His girlfriend isn’t exactly right in the head either, I mean, she’s dating him!
WOMAN: Sir, why don’t you just call the police?
JACOB: Rage Against the Machines has taught me to distrust the police greatly.
WOMAN: Actually, the original version was by N.W.A.
JACOB: Just shut up, okay? I’m trying to think.
WOMAN: You know, a family member could bring him here for an evaluation.
JACOB: Really? That’s perfect. Thank you, hot woman.
WOMAN: How do you know I’m-?
(Jacob hangs up)
JACOB: Guess what, asshole? I’m going to call your dad and tell him to take you to Brattleboro because you’re a fucking lunatic.
LOGAN: Do you really think he’ll do that?
LOGAN: Damnit, you’re probably right.
(Cut to Keith Farmella walking out of the smoke carrying gasoline and covered in soot)
KEITH: Hello, ladies and gentleman. Do you know what my name is?
MAYOR SARANDON: Keith, why are you trying to kill us?
KEITH: Who says I started this fire?
ETHAN: Well for starters, you’re covered in soot, carrying gasoline and you threatened you would burn my house down earlier.
KEITH: Yeah, and this doesn’t look like your house, does ti?
MAYOR SARANDON: Keith, you have to stop this fire. You are going to KILL everyone here. These people have families for Christ’s sake!
ETHAN: That’s not gonna work Brian, he’s a sociopath! Keith, if you do this you will go to jail.
KEITH: To the contrary, sirs. I am a powerful contractor who no one would ever suspect of a crime.
CONAN: Weren’t you the one that built that bridge in Mississippi that collapsed?
KEITH: I didn’t build it, those foppish construction workers did. Those imbeciles, following the blue print I designed and gave to them.
BEN: Wait…aren’t you in here with us now? Aren’t you as doomed as we are?
KEITH: Uh…shit. Yeah, kind of.
MAYOR SARANDON: How did you get up in the first place?
KEITH: None of your business.
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s my building.
KEITH: Okay, I need you to reinstate that museum plan or I will throw gasoline on all of you!
(They all gasp)
ETHAN: BRIAN, REINSTATE IT! REINSTATE IT!
MAYOR SARANDON: OKAY! FINE! Wait, is any gasoline left in that thing?
KEITH: Sure! (Keith turns the spout downwards and nothing comes out) Oh no, this is bad…
JOHN: HE HAS NO LEVERAGE!
KEITH: LIKE HELL I DON’T!
(Keith lunges for Mayor Sarandon and Mayor Sarandon blocks his attack and punches him in the face. Keith then punches Sarandon several times in the face, and then Ethan tackles him from the side. Keith turns around and starts punching him multiple times in the face, but then Ethan starts choking Keith and Keith starts flailing. Mayor Sarandon then walks over and kicks Keith in the head, knocking him out)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ain’t that a kick in the head?
ETHAN: Nice line!
(Keith wakes up and grabs Mayor Sarandon’s leg, sending him collapsing to the floor)
KEITH: YOU’RE FUCKING MY DAUGHTER, ASSHOLE!
(Ethan punches him multiple times in the head and face, knocking him out once again)
MAYOR SARANDON: Motherfucker’s like the terminator.
(Mayor Sarandon gets up and dusts himself off)
TAYLOR: Just in case you guys forgot, THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE!
ETHAN: WE KNOW! Who called 911?
BEN: I did, they should be here soon.
(They hear sirens. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Sarah exiting the Conveni-Mart)
RYAN: God, whose life sucks more than mine right now?
SARAH: Probably a starving African child.
RYAN: Yeah, but whose life sucks more than mine in Chittenden county?
(Fire trucks labeled “HANSBAY FIRE DEPARTMENT” drive by the store, along with police cars and ambulances)
BRENNAN: …I guess whoever’s on fire right now.
(Cut to Jacob and Logan in Jacob’s room. Logan is Jacob’s laptop while Jacob reads Fifty Shades of Grey)
LOGAN: Are you for real?
JACOB: I just read whatever’s selling the best.
(A knock is heard at the door and Jacob leaves his room, locks his door and goes to the front door at the same time as Kimberly)
KIMBERLY: I’ll get it, Jakey.
JACOB: No, it’s fine. I’ll get it. I’m expecting a package.
KIMBERLY: From who?
JACOB: From…(Jacob opens the door to reveal Logan’s dad) Hey, Mr. DeMint. What brings you around?
MR. DEMINT: You called me.
JACOB: Yeah, anyway that psychopath you wanted is in my room.
KIMBERLY: I’m sorry, who are you?
MR. DEMINT: I’m Carson DeMint. Logan’s father.
KIMBERLY: Who is Logan?
JACOB: The kid who knocked out the principal, is in a gang, sells drugs, stole a car and was your peeping Tom about an hour ago.
KIMBERLY: …Wow. And he’s in your room?
JACOB: That’s correct.
CARSON: Your son called and said I should take him to a mental hospital, specifically the one in Brattleboro and I’m inclined to believe he’s right. He’s been a nightmare recently.
KIMBERLY: Okay, sure take him.
CARSON: Thanks, beautiful.
(Carson walks to Jacob’s room and then Ryan, Brennan and Sarah walk in)
RYAN: Hey guys. Why is it so hot in here?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, why is it so hot in here?
JACOB: Logan broke the air conditioning unit so he could peep on my mom while she removed her clothes due to the heat.
JACOB: Oh, hey Sarah.
SARAH: Where is he?!
(Carson drags Logan through the hallway)
LOGAN: I AM NOT GOING! GODDAMNT, DAD! I AM NOT GOING! THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I’M-Whoa, Sarah?
SARAH: We’re through, Logan.
(Carson stops dragging him)
LOGAN: C’mon Sar-bear, we’re perfect together.
SARAH: Not really. You’re a crazy person.
LOGAN: I can still play a guitar!
SARAH: That’s true.
SARAH: But they’re right, you need to get help.
JACOB: How’d you know Mr. DeMint was taking him to a looney bin?
SARAH: I just kind of assumed.
LOGAN: NOO!!! I LOVE YOU, SARAH LELAND BLUMENTHAL! (His dad starts dragging him again) MY FIFTH UNCLE THRICE REMOVED IS A SENATOR GODDAMNIT!
CARSON: That’s not true! Bye!
(Kimberly shuts the door)
KIMBERLY: Jesus, that kid is a maniac.
SARAH: Yeah. I don’t know why I was ever with him.
RYAN: No one does.
BRENNAN: Well, I guess that’s the second relationship ended today.
KIMBERLY: What do you mean?
RYAN: He means Michelle and I, and he’s wrong. We just had a fight. I lied over text that I was busy and couldn’t hang out with her.
BRENNAN: But then he got caught at the Conveni-Mart.
KIMBERLY: Wow. Sorry about that.
(Ethan walks in, covered in soot)
(Kimberly runs in and hugs Ethan)
RYAN: What the hell happened to you?!
(Madeline and Rob come in)
MADELINE: What’s the yelling about?
ROB: Yeah, we heard screaming.
JACOB: Dad, what happened?
(Kimberly lets go)
ETHAN: Guys, I’m fine, but Keith set the Mayor’s building ablaze today.
RYAN: Who’s Keith?!
ETHAN: Let’s talk in the living room. Sarah, Brennan, you can go.
SARAH: Okay. Feel better! Take an Advil or something!
(Sarah and Brennan leave. They all go into the living room and sit down)
ETHAN: Keith is Keith Farmella, a contractor we’re doing business with. Well, we were, but we suspended the museum plan this morning. When he found this out he accosted me during my physical and threatened to burn my house to the ground.
ETHAN: Yeah, so I had the Mayor send cops here just to make sure he wouldn’t come and I tried to convince Mayor Sarandon to suspend the museum, but then he tried to burn down the Mayor’s office. We finally apprehended him and now he’s in Hansbay police custody.
MADELINE: My God…
RYAN: Thank God you’re okay.
JACOB: And that Keith is going to the slammer.
ETHAN: Yeah. This shit’s getting too real. I can’t believe it, this day has been the worst of my life, yet I’m just so happy to be alive.
RYAN: Well dad, welcome to the almost died club. Members: Ryan Donahue, Sarah Blumenthal, Brennan Sanford, Michelle Reed and you.
ETHAN: Yeah. Politics is a rough sport.
KIMBERLY: It usually doesn’t involve burning down buildings.
ETHAN: Yeah, but it’s always a diluted version of that.
KIMBERLY: Well, are you considering leaving?
ETHAN: …No. I’m not, I’m just saying. I’m not going to back out because of that psychopathic asshole. I’m going to the Tampa, Florida for the Republican National Convention in ten days’ time. I’m not going to give that up because of Keith Farmella.
KIMBERLY: And you shouldn’t.
RYAN: Yeah, screw him.
ETHAN: Thanks, guys.
ROB: You are welcome.
(All of them except Rob hug close. Chinaberry also comes in and rubs up against them. Then, “Japanese Sandman” by Sarah Sharpe starts playing. Cut to Ryan standing in his backyard sipping water while looking at the space between two trees in the neighbor’s backyard. Then cut to Sarah on her computer looking up Logan’s mental hospital records. She then switches the tab to Facebook to see Ryan Donahue messaged her saying “Congratz on ur breakup lol. BTW, found a great soup kitchen in Hansbay, ill fill u in later.” This makes her smile. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sleeping in the same bed together, cuddled up near each other. He notices the door to the bathroom is still open and sits up to see his own reflection in the mirror and a pressed suit in a laundry bag hanging from a hook. Then cut to Ryan nervously awaiting Sarah’s response on Facebook. Sarah responds “(:” and this makes Ryan smile. Fade to black)
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