“LOVE UNDER THE REPUBLICANS”
“And every Sunday we’ll have a lark and take a walk in Central Park. And one of these days not too remote, you’ll probably up and cut my throat.”
- Ogden Nash
(We start with Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tatum and Tim all dressed in suits with Republican Party buttons on their lapels. They are all in Mayor Sarandon’s office at 4am)
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, so here’s the plan. Our flight from Burlington International departs at 6AM and we have a layover at JFK International for three hours. (They all groan) I know, I know, but maybe we can see a Broadway show or get mugged or something while we’re there. Then, we depart JFK and we arrive in Tampa at around 1PM.
ETHAN: Well, I’m excited. Guys, we’re going to the Republican National Convention. Remember the one four years ago?
TATUM: Yeah. I hooked up with Sarah Palin.
JOHN: For the last time, Tatum, that was not Sarah Palin, that was a waitress with glasses.
TATUM: Well, hopefully that girl from “Nailin’ Palin” will be at the convention.
TIM: Yeah, because the real Sarah Palin will not be.
MAYOR SARANDON: Neither will Bush or Cheney. These Republican fellas are smart. Now, we should go.
(They all funnel out of the room. Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Tim sitting next to each other on the plane, mid-flight)
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, can I have some lip balm?
ETHAN: Sure, I’ll get that balm for you.
(Ethan hands him lip balm and Mayor Sarandon applies it to his lips and hands it back to him)
MAYOR SARANDON: This convention is going to be the bomb.
ETHAN: It’s going to be the fertilizer that makes fertile the Republican Party’s chances this November.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think we have a shot. A major shot.
ETHAN: We’re going to blow up in popularity.
TIM: Stop. You know what you guys are doing.
(Cut to the five of them sitting at the gate in JFK international. Tatum opens his mouth as if about to say something, but then closes it and exhales in boredom. Cut to the five of them sitting in Mayor Sarandon’s luxurious hotel room at the Hyatt Regency in Tampa. They all have glasses of scotch)
MAYOR SARANDON: Here’s to Governor Mitt Romney and kicking ass this election!
ALL: Here here!
(They clink their glasses together)
TATUM: We have to make sure to do everything we possibly can to make sure President Obama doesn’t get a second term.
ETHAN: There was this judge in Texas who said there could be a civil war if he gets re-elected.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, maybe I can borrow a musket from those Civil War re-enactors.
JOHN: What’s ironic is that they’ll probably be killed first.
ETHAN: I swear, if President Obama gets re-elected, then I am moving to Greece.
MAYOR SARANDON: Didn’t you say that in 2008?
MAYOR SARANDON: And you’re still here, right?
ETHAN: Well…the plane broke down.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sure it did.
TATUM: I love his running mate, Paul Ryan.
ETHAN: Oh, he’s great. That one line during his Vice Presidential speech, saying “Rights come from God and nature, not government” is genius.
TIM: Yeah…wait, is where our rights come from really relevant in the big scope of things? Isn’t it the job of government to enforce those rights?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, it’s God’s job.
TIM: God doesn’t seem to have any Governmental authority. He let the holocaust happen.
MAYOR SARANDON: Just shut it, okay? Of course that line makes no fucking sense, anyone with half a brain knows that, but the ditto heads who follow our party’s platform like brainless zombies eat that shit up.
TIM: Got it.
JOHN: We need to make sure that liberals don’t exploit the whole “Paul Ryan wants to take away insurance from old people and vital programs from poor people” issue.
ETHAN: Well, they already have a commercial showing Paul Ryan as a murderous psychopath throwing and old lady off of a cliff.
MAYOR SARANDON: Paul Ryan doesn’t want old ladies thrown off of cliffs, he just wants to make sure it’ll cost the old ladies more money to treat their wounds if they survive a fall of a cliff.
ETHAN: But that’s the price of living in a laissez-fare, completely capitalistic and austere society.
(A knock is heard at the door. Mayor Sarandon opens up the door and sees Barre, Vermont Mayor Thom Lauzon)
MAYOR SARANDON: THOMMY!
(Everybody gets up to greet hm)
THOM: Hey everybody.
MAYOR SARANDON: How are you?
THOM: I’m terrific. Are you guys ready spew meaningless rhetoric for four days and then go through the formality of nominating Mitt Romney?
ETHAN: I have never wanted anything more.
(Cut to Kimberly sitting on the couch hack in Hansbay watching Wolf Blitzer at the Tampa Bay Times Forum)
WOLF BLITZER: Many are speculating as to what Mitt Romney is going to do after his acceptance speech. Maybe like a flip? Do you think he’ll do a flip? (Pan to James Carville, Candy Crowley and Karl Rove) Panel?
JAMES CARVILLE: Yeah, a flip. Definitely.
CANDY CROWLEY: Mitt Romney will do a back flip. I can tell.
KARL ROVE: I think he has an opportunity to turn his weaknesses into his strengths. After his speech, he should fire his entire writing staff; baptize the whole front row into Mormonism and then release torn up tax returns as confetti.
WOLF: That sounds like it would be very affective. Wait, don’t you work for FOX?
(A knock is heard at the door. Kimberly gets up and opens the door to see Detective Zimmerman)
GEORGE: Hey, Kimmy. I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight.
KIMBERLY: George, my husband is in Tampa, I don’t think my kids would like to see you here.
GEORGE: Oh, damnit. Your kids. I totally forgot. I’m sorry, I’ll leave.
KIMBERLY: No, no, no, I just remembered, Ryan’s at the soup kitchen with Sarah and Jacob’s with Kirsten, so you can come in for a bit.
GEORGE: Oh. Thank you.
(George walks in and Kimberly closes the door)
KIMBERLY: Can I get you anything?
GEORGE: Some coffee would be great.
KIMBERLY: Okay. I’ll go get some coffee.
(Kimberly walks into the kitchen and George follows. Kimberly brews coffee while George sits at the bar of the kitchen)
GEORGE: So, how are you and Ethan since the incident at the bar?
KIMBERLY: Oh, we’re fine. In fact, the other day Ethan joked that they called coffee grounds coffee grounds because they tasted like dirt.
(Kimberly chuckles and George looks dumbfounded)
KIMBERLY: Not really.
GEORGE: But you just sad-
(Kimberly walks over to the bar)
KIMBERLY: Why’d you come over here, George?
GEORGE: I wanted to spend time with my friend, that’s all.
KIMBERLY: You never came over here when Ethan was in town.
GEORGE: Well, I should’ve.
KIMBERLY: The only problem with that is Ethan would’ve made a balloon animal out of your spine if you had.
GEORGE: Okay, maybe I am taking advantage of Ethan’s absence, but this visit is purely platonic.
KIMBERLY: I don’t need a geological lesson right now, I need a reason you’re here.
GEORGE: …Are you happy with him?
KIMBERLY: Ethan? Of course. We’re very happy together.
GEORGE: It doesn’t bother you at all that he’s corrupt?
KIMBERLY: It does, but in love you have to deal with a lot of things.
GEORGE: That’s true. But no one should have to deal with what you’re about do deal with.
KIMBERLY: …What? (George takes a video tape out of his pocket and puts it on the counter) What is that? Is that Toy Story?
GEORGE: No. But like Toy Story, I think we should watch it sometime. Like right now. Together.
(George walks Kimberly over to their television and George puts the video tape in the VCR)
KIMBERLY: Yeah, we haven’t actually used the VCR since 2005, so…I don’t know if it works.
GEORGE: Okay, well maybe….(Kimberly sits on the couch, George moves up and uses the remote to reveal an options menu) Okay, which one?
KIMBERLY: HDM1 is for video games, VDGM is for television SIDE REVERSE is for the Discovery Channel and HDM2 is for Tyler Perry films.
GEORGE: I’ll try NOTFORVCR.
(George selects NOTFORVCR and the screen displays security camera footage from a hotel hallway in the Cayman Islands. The title of the video reads at the top as “RITZ-CARLTON, GRAND CAYMAN” and at the bottom the date is displayed as “04-MAY-2012”. After a few seconds it shows Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Tim and two prostitutes giggling and entering the hotel room while Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Tim also laugh. They shut the door and the tape goes out. Kimberly is left awe-struck)
KIMBERLY: What…was that…
GEORGE: Yes. Ethan cheated on you. With one of those prostitutes.
KIMBERLY: How did you get this tape?
GEORGE: I knew that he wasted taxpayer money on that boon doggle, which he called a “poon doggle” by the way. So I called up the hotel and asked if they had any suspicious footage between April 30 and May 9, and they gave me that. I wanted you to know. I feel like you deserve to know the truth.
KIMBERLY: Oh my God…why would that son of a bitch do this to me…
GEORGE: I don’t know, but it’s shameful.
KIMBERLY: You got this footage…for me?
GEORGE: Yes. I won’t even give it to the media. I feel like you deserve better than to be treated like this.
KIMBERLY: …That is...
(Kimberly starts making out with Detective Zimmerman and they both walk into Kimberly’s bedroom and shut the door and lock it. As they make out, Kimberly removes her tank top and undershirt while George removes his jacket, shirt and tie. Kimberly removes her bra and George removes his bra as well. They walk over to the bed and George throws Kimberly onto it. George removes his pants and his underwear and whips out his member. Kimberly takes off her pants and panties and the two of them begin having sex. Cut to Ryan and Sarah at the soup kitchen continuously handing out soup to homeless people right next to each other)
SARAH: I think we picked the right place to do volunteer work.
RYAN: Yeah, me too. Why is it that all these homeless people are wearing jackets and beanies when it’s ninety degrees outside?
SARAH: It’s just part of the homeless code.
RYAN: Okay. What kind of soup is this by the way?
SARAH: The can said “Warm Red Liquid” soup.
RYAN: Oh, my favorite.
(Sarah holds up the can and looks at it)
SARAH: It says “Edible since 1984” but it also says “Established in 1976”.
RYAN: (Laughs) That’s promising.
RYAN: Hey, I kind of owe someone something, so, I’ll get it over with.
RYAN: It’s totally okay if you say no, but Brandon Nehring wants me to set the two of you up.
SARAH: Well…he is smart.
RYAN: He’s of average intelligence, he just works really hard.
SARAH: Yeah, but he’s a pretty good person. He’s very charitable, he went to Kenya to teach the children there how to read, write and speak English. He fed them and he even raised awareness among them about American Poverty.
RYAN: Wow, that’s a much less pressing issue, but yeah he is definitely charitable. But so are we, you know, we’re doing charity right now.
SARAH: (Laughs) Don’t get defensive, I’m just saying he’s a good guy.
RYAN: Right. So is it yes or no?
SARAH: …Sure. Tell him to text me.
RYAN: I will do that.
(A homeless man walks up to the counter)
HOMELESS MAN: This soup is swill! Who are we? Elementary school kids? I demand HOT red liquid soup.
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Mayor Lauzon, Matt Rhoades, Karl Rove, Rupert Murdoch, David Koch and Charles Koch all sitting around a table eating dinner in a private room)
ETHAN: Wow, this is like an all-star cast here for the convention. I’m honored to even be at this table.
DAVID KOCH: I’m not.
ETHAN: Well, you don’t need to be.
DAVID KOCH: I know, I just wanted to point out that I’m not honored.
ETHAN: Okay then.
(Fabio, Mayor Sarandon’s waiter comes over)
FABIO: Would you like the tears of poor people on your salad, sir?
ETHAN: Excuse me?
FABIO: It’s a delicacy at the Republican Conventions, sir.
ETHAN: No thank you.
(Fabio positions the shaker over the salad)
FABIO: Tell me when to stop.
ETHAN: Don’t start.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fabby, go back to the kitchen.
(Fabio takes a bow and leaves)
ETHAN: Isn’t that Fabio, your butler?
MAYOR SARANDON: He does freelance work for the conventions.
MATT RHOADES: Well, Mitt Romney’s hit some bumps in the road with the whole “not gonna release my tax returns” and the statutory rape of businesses he committed while at Bain Capital. But luckily, Bain owns so many companies now that we can control the conversation.
MAYOR LAUZON: AMC theatres will show Romney ads, Burger King will sell kid’s meals with Mitt Romney dolls that when you pull the string, he says things that show integrity, like “I have integrity”.
RUPERT MURDOCH: If someone buys a coat at Burlington Coat Factory and they’re splashed with red paint, the paint will reveal a “Romney/Ryan 2012” logo hidden on the coat and only accessible by red ink.
ETHAN: Wow, this all sounds very intricate.
KARL ROVE: it gets better. Domino’s Pizza will have their delivery guys come to people’s houses and beg the customers to treat them for gunshot wounds because ObamaCare made the wait at the hospital too long.
(They all chuckle except for Ethan)
ETHAN: Wow, that’s a little heavy-handed, isn’t it?
CHARLES KOCH: Not at all! Bain has Staples so we can take the white vote, Toys “R” Us so we can take the creepy pedophile vote and the Weather Channel so we can take the cat vote.
ETHAN: I don’t think cats can vote.
CHARLES KOCH: In this election, they can.
(They all laugh except for Ethan)
ETHAN: What do you mean?
MATT: We named a bunch of cats normal names like Paul Jones, Sam Johnson and Muffin Littersniffer, you know, just normal names and now we’re registering them to vote.
DAVID KOCH: That, along with every corpse in every swing state in the nation.
ETHAN: Didn’t we pass all those voter ID laws to prevent voting fraud, though?
RUPERT MURDOCH: Are you kidding me with this? Voting fraud isn’t a problem, mate. There have been literally ten instances of voter fraud since the 2000 election. The voter ID laws are to suppress Democratic votes. The voter ID laws are more arbitrary than a dingo eating a kangaroo baby, mate.
ETHAN: Is he really Australian or has he just been doing an impression of one for eighty years?
(They all laugh hardily)
RUPERT MURDOCH: Very good, Ethan. I’ll have to tell that one to Alwaleed Bin Talal later.
MATT: I think we’ve all made a lot of accomplishments since Obama got into office. We watered down his few successes, blocked a bunch of smaller potential successes and kicked his balls in the 2010 midterms. Plus, we somehow convinced half of America that he’s a Muslim. I don’t even know why we did that!
RUPERT MURDOCH: That was kind of just for fun.
MATT: Here’s to victory on November sixth!
(They all clink their glasses together, but Ethan does so begrudgingly. Then they all drink, but Murdoch’s cell phone goes off. He puts his drink down and picks it up)
RUPERT MURDOCH: Hello? Oh. (To everybody else) There’s a murdered girl’s phone conversations I have to listen to, I got to take this.
MAYOR LAUZON: Okay.
ETHAN: I think I’m going to go to the bathroom.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think I will also do that.
CHARLES KOCH: Okay, queers.
(They both get up and walk out of the room. Cut to them exiting that room to see John, Tatum and Tim waiting in the hallway)
JOHN: Hey, how are things going in there?
TATUM: Oh, how awesome it would be to be in on everything.
ETHANS: Calm your collective tits, Brian and I are talking.
MAYOR SARANDON: Listen Ethan, you seem dejected in there. What gives?
ETHAN: I don’t know, coach, it’s just that it seems like a lot of these tactics they’re using to try and get Romney elected are sleazy at best and illegal at worst. Why don’t we just rely on our message and substance to win?
MAYOR SARANDON: Listen, I don’t agree with some of the things they were suggesting either. Especially the Burlington Coat Factory one.
ETHAN: That was like, the least objectionable thing they were talking about.
MAYOR SARANDON: But you have to put on your game face around these people, okay? I will try to stop some of these sleazy tactics in my own time, but for now I need you to be a fucking ballerina out there, okay kiddo? Wait, did you call me “coach” a minute ago?
ETHAN: Okay, I’ll suck it up.
MAYOR SARANDON: Good.
(Cut to the first day of the convention. Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tatum and Tim are playing cards in the hotel room)
ETHAN: I can’t believe they cancelled the first day of the convention due to Isaac.
TATUM: Isaac’s responsible for this?! Of course, a fucking Jew comes around and ruins everything.
ETHAN: Wow. No, Tropical Storm Isaac is the reason they cancelled the first day of the convention.
TATUM: Oh. Oops.
MAYOR SARANDON: This sucks pretty hard. Now we only have three days to make Obama look like a socialist Muslim Kenyan centaur.
JOHN: Ooh, centaur. That is a bold move.
MAYOR SARANDON: I know, it’s pretty cool. But, depending on tropical storm Isaac’s path, the convention could be further interrupted, rescheduled, relocated or cancelled.
ETHAN: Relocated? Where and how would we relocate it?
JOHN: I got a cousin in Gainesville with a basement. Maybe we could nominate Romney there.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna work.
JOHN: Why not? He has a kick-ass computer that he made himself.
ETHAN: Shut up, John. The convention may be delayed today but I doubt it will be delayed tomorrow. I just don’t know why we have conventions in coastal cities during hurricane season.
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s a swing state, Ethan.
ETHAN: Yeah, well so is Ohio. Ohio is also much nicer than this wretched state. It’s muggy, hot and full of old people, Jews, Cubans, alligators, old Jews, Cuban alligators and not to mention old Jewish Cuban alligators.
TATUM: “Oi, after I finish this cigar YOU will be my early bird special. CHOMP CHOMP!”
(Cut to Kimberly and George laying in bed after sex. Kimberly is holding a cigarette)
GEORGE: …Where did you get that?
KIMBERLY: I don’t know…I don’t even smoke.
GEORGE: Well, I think- (Kimberly gets up out of bed) Where are you going?
KIMBERLY: Damnit. Fucking God fucking damnit.
(Kimberly turns to him)
KIMBERLY: How STUPID am i? He cheats on me, so I cheat on him? How does that make me any better than him? I have no leverage now. This is a crock of shit.
GEORGE: Just don’t tell him.
KIMBERLY: Oh yeah, that’s a great idea. Let it come out in hypnotherapy twenty years from now.
GEORGE: Kimberly, you can’t tell him. He will kill me.
KIMBERLY: He will not kill you. He’ll probably just beat you up. And maybe you deserve it. Coming into my life pretending to make my acquaintance and then just trying to FUCK me.
GEORGE: I showed you the tape that revealed your husband cheated on you!
KIMBERLY: YOU COULD’VE JUST LEFT IT AT THAT!
GEORGE: YOU FUCKED ME!
KIMBERLY: AND YOU LET ME! GET OUT!
KIMBERLY: NOW! GET OUT!
(George begrudgingly puts on clothes and gathers his things and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him. Kimberly walks over to her bed, sits on it and starts crying. Cut to Rob rising from his bed in Ryan’s room and looking out the window to see George leaving the house struggling to put his jacket and tie on. He is shocked. Cut to Ryan walking home and talking on the phone with Brandon Nehring)
RYAN: Brandon, Sarah said yes, her number is 802-311-7826.
BRANDON: Thanks, ma-
(Ryan hangs up. Cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon on the floor of the convention next to the Vermont delegation)
ETHAN: So, we’re not delegates, right?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, we are not delegates.
ETHAN: Then what are we doing here exactly?
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re wheeling and dealing, okay?
ETHAN: For what? Mitt Romney’s going to be nominated no matter what, campaign reform has rendered conventions mostly just vapid expressions of a party’s platitudes summed up in staccato words and phrases. Watch this. AMERICA! (Everybody cheers) FREEDOM! (Everybody cheers) CHIC-FIL-A! (Everybody cheers really loudly) I think they liked Chic-Fil-a more than America.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m going to wheel and deal so I can get the VP slot.
ETHAN: Paul Ryan already has that locked up.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, but if I schmooze Mitt Romney enough, he’ll have no choice but to nominate me.
ETHAN: You’re delusional.
MAYOR SARANDON: Delusionally optimistic, maybe.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah.
ETHAN: Listen, Paul Ryan is getting the VP slot, there’s no question there.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, I’ll try for the top slot.
ETHAN: That’s even more delusional!
(A bearded man leans over)
BEARDED MAN: Shut up you guys, they’re about to call out Vermont’s name.
(Cut to the secretary at the podium on stage)
SECRETARY: Vermont, seventeen votes.
BEARDED MAN: (On microphone) The great state of Vermont. The home of the green mountain boys. America’s first republic and our nation’s fourteenth star, today remembers and shares with the gulf states that are being affected by Isaac on the one year to the day anniversary of Vermont being ravaged by Hurricane Irene.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’M RAVAGED BY IRENE EVERY NIGHT!
ETHAN: Brian, don’t.
BEARDED MAN: (On microphone) Our sympathies, our thoughts and our prayers as they recover from what’s going on. The great state of Vermont is pleased to cast its votes, four for Ron Paul,
ETHAN: Why do they even bother?
MAYOR SARANDON: It’s either that or accosting people in book stores talking about the Fountainhead.
BEARDED MAN: And thirteen for the team for the times, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.
(Everybody starts cheering and Mayor Sarandon grabs the microphone)
MAYOR SARANDON: I just want to say something, I’m Brian Sarandon, the mayor of Hansbay, Vermont and I just want to say something….what do I wanna say?
BEARDED MAN: YOU were the one who said he wanted to say something.
MAYOR SARANDON: Here’s what I wanna say. FUCK SOCIALISM, FUCK CASH FOR HUMPERS, FUCK OBAMACAN’T AND FUCK THE ASSAULT ON FAMILY VALUES, THOSE COCKSUCKERS SHITTING ON FAMILY VALUES LIKE A BUNCH OF BITCH TITS!
BEARDED MAN: Stop!
(The bearded man takes the microphone away)
SECRETARY: Vermont, thirteen votes, Romney.
(Ethan pulls Mayor Sarandon aside and they sit down)
ETHAN: You are not making re-election any easier for yourself.
MAYOR SARANDON: People like someone who is willing to take risks. Did you even see The Campaign?
ETHAN: Yeah, and that was a fictional work. How was Will Ferrell not arrested for punching that baby?
MAYOR SARANDON: Will Ferrell didn’t actually punch the baby, idiot.
ETHAN: No, I mean his character-(sighs) Listen, let’s just sit down and watch some of these speakers after they do the tally.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay. Remember, tomorrow we have a meeting with some of the higher-ups, like Paul Ryan, Senator Santorum and some others, and rumor has it the man himself might make an appearance.
ETHAN: Ooh, Romney’s going to be there?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes. The biggest, the baddest, the ass-kissigan from Michigan, ROMNINATOR!
ETHAN: Awesome. But remember, let’s go easy on the sleazy stuff, capiche?
MAYOR SARANDON: Sure. (Cut to later, Mayor Sarandon and Ethan are clapping) Those speeches were beautiful.
ETHAN: But Santorum barely mentioned Romney. I mean, throw him a bone or something. (Sniff, tearing up) I mean, he came all the way here.
MAYOR SARANDON: Are you crying?
MAYOR SARANDON: Cheer up, Ethan; at least he lied about Obama suspending work requirements for welfare.
ETHAN: That does make me feel a little better.
MAYOR SARANDON: Exactly. Ann Romney was great. Not bad looking either.
ETHAN: Brian, she’s like 63 years old.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, and I’m 50 without a wife, I gotta start lowering my standards sometime.
ETHAN: What about your 22-year old girlfriend?
MAYOR SARANDON: She’s so beautiful. But sometimes I can’t help but think she’s only dating me for my-
ETHAN: (Simultaneously with Mayor Sarandon’s line) Money.
MAYOR SARANDON: (Simultaneously with Ethan’s line) Good looks. Wait, what’d you say?
ETHAN: I said good looks.
MAYOR SARANDON: It sounded like you said-
ETHAN: I SAID GOOD LOOKS.
(Cut to a strip club in Tampa. Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, John, Tatum and Tim are there in front of the poll dancers)
MAYOR SARANDON: This city is awesome.
ETHAN: Brian, look over there! There’s a pathetic guy trying to convince a stripper they’re in love!
JOHN: That’s so sad.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think I recognize here, I must’ve seen her at my house. I think we dated.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, actually I think she was just some girl I had a one night stand with a few years back.
TATUM: Well, maybe you should go talk to her.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, actually she was just my maid at one point.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, she wasn’t actually my maid; I was just looking into the mirror dressed as a maid.
(Mayor Sarandon takes out 200 dollars and puts in a stripper’s panties)
STRIPPER: Thanks, boys. You have NO idea how much money this is making the city of Tampa.
MAYOR SARANDON: I know. I see a lot of convention delegates here.
STRIPPER: Yeah, they try to impress us with the fact they’re delegates, but they don’t realize most strippers don’t know what delegates are, what conventions are or even who the President is.
MAYOR SARANDON: You do seem dead inside. Do you want a hundred more dollars?
(Mayor Sarandon puts 100 more dollars in her panties)
MAYOR SARANDON: There you go, Matilda Cogsworth.
STRIPPER: That’s just my stripper name, honey. My real name is Shasta Lollipop.
(Cut to the next day. Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, Chris Christie, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio sitting around a large dinner table in a private room)
MAYOR SARANDON: So, um…I love your pizza.
HERMAN CAIN: That’s all you have to say to me?
(Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan walk in and everybody rises to shake hands with them and exchanged “hellos”. Once Romney and Ryan get to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan, the following exchange occurs)
MITT ROMNEY: Ethan, Brian, it’s a pleasure to see you again.
ETHAN: Likewise, Governor.
MITT ROMNEY: Please. Call me Governor Romney.
(They all sit down)
MAYOR SARANDON: What a wonderful feast we have here.
MITT ROMNEY: Yes, it’s terrific. Herman brought his famed pizza. Rick brought his famed peach jelly.
RICK SANTORUM: That’s right, or as I call it, Santorum Jelly.
RICK SANTORUM: And I also brought a friend. (Rick holds up a petri dish) He’s a zygote. I also brought some afterbirth in a jar.
ETHAN: Ugh, where is that?
RICK SANTORUM: Where is HE you mean. And he’s in my car.
MITT ROMNEY: Chris Christie brought his famous a lot of food.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: It’s a family recipe!
MITCH: I brought turtle soup.
JOHN BOEHNER: Did you make it out of your family?
(Everybody but Mitch laughs and Mitch throws down his rag and storms out)
ETHAN: Ouch. But he really does looks like a turtle.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah. Well, Paul, I heard you listen to Rage Against the Machines.
PAUL RYAN: Yes I do. But the singer says I’m for everything he’s against, so that kind of threw me off. I totally thought that the lyrics “Mister anchor assure me that Baghdad is burning, your voice, it is so soothing that cunning mantra of killing” and “Mass graves for the pump and the price is set” was supportive of the war in Iraq.
MAYOR SARANDON: Right… well, Paul, I love you budget plan.
PAUL RYAN: Oh, me too. All those Catholic groups are jumping my ass though because apparently they have some attachment to old and poor people and they don’t want to see their benefits taken away.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, if Roosevelt and Johnson hadn’t given them those things in the first place, this wouldn’t be a problem. If you don’t give a baby a lollipop they won’t be sad when you take it away. Of course, in this case, the lollipop is health insurance and food assistance.
PAUL RYAN: Food, LIKE LOLLIPOPS!
MAYOR SARANDON: Exactly!
(Mayor Sarandon and Paul high-five)
MITT ROMNEY: Yeah, and now President Obama is trying to pounce on one of my spokespeople just because he said “we’re not going to let fact checkers dictate this campaign”.
MARCO RUBIO: And you also shouldn’t let dictators fact-check this campaign.
MITT ROMNEY: Fact checkers? Dictators? What’s the difference?
(They all laugh)
MAYOR SARANDON: That was hilarious, Governor.
MITT ROMNEY: Thank you.
MAYOR SARANDON: You have a great, lapel or something, so listen, is Paul Ryan your final choice?
MITT ROMNEY: Yeah, I think I’m going with him.
(They all chuckle)
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, because I am very adept at not having any responsibilities and being prone to gaffes, so if you do reconsider, I’m Vice Presidential material.
PAUL RYAN: I’m right here.
MITT ROMNEY: No thank you, Brian. I chose Paul for a reason. Man, it was such a hard decision to pick between Marco and Paul. But I ultimately decided to pick someone who hadn’t just recently grown their first ball hair.
MARCO: Paul’s only one year older than me.
MITT ROMNEY: Okay, kiddo. (Romney puts a propeller cap on Marco, much to his embarrassment, and everybody but Marco and Ethan laugh) Actually, I need the Hispanic vote so…(He takes of the propeller cap and puts on a sombrero) Perfect! (Everybody but Marco and Ethan laugh) Ethan, how are your kids?
ETHAN: Jacob’s a senior now and he’s having problems with his girlfriend and Madeline’s in college and used to hate her dorm mate but now she’s friends with him.
MITT ROMNEY: What about Ryan?
ETHAN: Oh. Uh, Ryan’s…fine.
MITT ROMNEY: I’m glad.
JOHN BOEHNER: See, I’m surprised you two have met.
MITT ROMNEY: Yes, this is the third time I’ve met Ethan, and I’ve also met his son Ryan three times.
ETHAN: Yeah. Wait, you’ve met-
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I think we can all agree that our number one goal is to defeat President Obama. And Mitt Romney will do.
(They all verbally express agreement)
MITT ROMNEY: …Thanks. But we shouldn’t only be intent on defeating President Obama; we should be intent on diluting his policies. Democrats believe that the economy can be spurred through a targeted tax cut or a special spending program, but I believe we have to create conditions for everyone that inspires economic prosperity.
ETHAN: Wait…I thought you guys believed he was an unpatriotic socialist Kenyan Muslim dictator subverting the constitution to create an imperial Presidency and the United Soviet Socialist States of America?
JOHN BOEHNER: Of course not, it’s the job of the media outlets to say that crazy stuff. We just vehemently disagree with his policies.
ETHAN: Yeah, but you guys have implied he’s all those things.
MARCO RUBIO: Right, we say those things in public to scare voters into supporting us, but we’d have to have syphilitic brains to actually believe that garbage.
(They all laugh)
(As they continue talking, the camera zooms in on Ethan, who has a disappointed countenance. Then cut to Ryan walking in the door. Kimberly walks out of her room, completely clothed and sees him)
RYAN: Hey, mom.
KIMBERLY: …Hey, Ryan.
RYAN: What are we having for dinner?
KIMBERLY: I don’t know, Ryan. Make something.
(Kimberly walks away. Ryan walks into the kitchen)
RYAN: I’m gonna make Spaghettio’s, mom.
KIMBERLY: Fine, then do that.
(Ryan opens the pantry and takes out the Spaghettios)
RYAN: What’s your problem?
KIMBERLY: YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS?!
KIMBERLY: I…have a sore throat.
RYAN: The level of anger you’re exhibiting is not a proportional response to your dilemma.
KIMBERLY: I HAVE AN ITCHY BACK, CHINABERRY LOST HIS TOY AND I NEED TO DO A LOAD OF LAUNDRY!
RYAN: Still, those are very minor problems. (Chinaberry walks in and barks at Kimberly a couple times) Chinaberry, NO!
(Rob comes in and starts pointing at Kimberly and mumbling)
KIMBERLY: Rob, NO!
(Chinaberry barks some more)
RYAN: Bad Chinaberry!
(Rob points and mumbles)
KIMBERLY: Bad Rob!
RYAN: BAD CHINABERRY!
(Rob points and mumbles)
Kimberly: BAD ROB!
(Cut to AUGUST 30, 2012. Cut to Sarah and Brandon on a date at Olive Gordon)
BRANDON: So, this is a nice place.
SARAH: Yeah, it’s one of those places that’s nice, but not ridiculously nice.
BRANDON: Yeah, like IKEA.
SARAH: Not rea-
BRANDON: So, what do you enjoy doing?
SARAH: Well, I like to write poetry, I like to make art, I like to write music and I love Japanese culture.
BRANDON: So you must like Jomon pottery from 10,000 B.C.?
SARAH: Um…no, I like slightly more modern Japanese culture.
BRANDON: Oh, so like Ukiyo-e.
SARAH: …Sure. What about you? I heard you do charity work in Africa.
BRANDON: Yes, I went to Kenya to help the native peoples learn how to do arts and crafts projects.
SARAH: Oh, that’s nice. Did you feed them?
BRANDON: We gave them a cow so they could milk it and sell it and use that money to buy food, but they ended up killing the cow, eating its meat, drinking the milk and playing soccer.
SARAH: They really do seem to like soccer in third-world countries.
BRANDON: Yep, they love it in third world countries like Brazil, India, Mexico and the United Kingdom.
SARAH: (Laughs) Yeah.
(Cut to Kimberly at her desk looking through old photos. She looks at a picture of a 26-year old Ethan and a 24-year old Kimberly holding each other on the couch in Ethan’s old apartment wearing 90’s clothes. She flips it over and it says “Fourth date, February 1992”. She then looks at a picture of a 26- year old hugging Kimberly from behind as Kimberly sits at a table with a cake in front of her reading “HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY, KIMBERLY!” and she flips to the back and it says “Kimberly’s 25th Birthday Party, July 1992. I got some serious poonanny that night.” Kimberly smirks at this comment. She then looks at a picture of a 26-year old Ethan sitting on the couch in Ethan’s apartment wearing a “BUSH/QUAYLE ‘92” t-shirt with his head in his hands and a 25-year old Kimberly with an exuberant expression proudly wearing a “CLINTON/GORE ‘92” t-shirt. She then flips to a picture of a 26-year old Ethan and a 25-year old Kimberly kissing at their indoor wedding. While a priest stands between them and applauds them and the other people are also standing and applauding. She flips over and the text says “Donahue-Altmire Wedding, October 1992. I also got some serious cooch that night, but judging what I’ve heard from comedians, I’ll get some decidedly unserious cooch for the rest of my life. So worth it though.” Kimberly smiles and a tear streams down her face. She flips to the next picture. It shows a 27-year old Ethan holding baby Madeline in his arms while a 26-year old Kimberly smiles in her hospital bed with beads of sweat dripping down her face. She flips it over and it reads “Little baby Madeline is born, August 1993. Seven pounds, two ounces.” Kimberly then starts crying. Cut to Ryan on his bed with his phone out. He receives a text from Sarah Blumenthal. He opens it and it says “it went well. Thx for the set-up!” Ryan looks conflicted. He then calls Michelle. It rings, but she doesn’t answer, so he leaves a message)
RYAN: Hey Michelle. I was just hoping we could go out on a date this Labor Day. I know you can’t do tomorrow or the weekend because you have to prepare that profits presentation to your dad. But, just call me back.
(He hangs up. Ryan takes a cup of water and takes a sip and puts it down. Just as he puts it down, the screen cuts to Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, John, Tatum and Tim sitting in the convention hall watching Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech)
MITT ROMNEY: I thought about asking my church's pension fund to invest but I didn't. I thought it would be bad if I lost my investors' money, but I didn't want to go to hell, too.
(Everybody around Ethan erupts in laughter and applause while he reflects. The screen fades to black)
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