“LOVE UNDER THE DEMOCRATS”
“And every Sunday we’ll have a lark and take a walk in Central Park. And one of these days not too remote, you’ll probably up and cut my throat.”
(We start with Mayor Sarandon, Ethan and Tim sitting next to each other on a plane)
INTERCOM: Hello, passengers, this is your captain speaking. We should be arriving in Charlotte, North Carolina at around 3:15.
ETHAN: I still don’t get WHY we’re going to Charlotte for the Democratic National Convention.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh my God, I’ve explained to you a million times, we’re going to sabotage it!
ETHAN: Wow, don’t say it that loudly.
MAYOR SARANDON: All we have to do is look like Democrats and we can do a walk of confidence into the Time Warner Cable Arena.
ETHAN: How can someone look like a Democrat?
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tim and Tatum in their hotel room at the Charlotte Hilton with flamboyant gay clothes on, like tight pink belly shirts, cut-off jean shorts, sunglasses and fake mustaches. They are also wearing “OBAMA/BIDEN 2012” buttons)
ETHAN: THIS IS NOT HOW SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE A DEMOCRAT!
MAYOR SARANDON: Of course this is what a Democrat looks like. It was either that or the Castro outfit.
JOHN: You know, I could see wearing the shorts, given the right circumstances.
ETHAN: What circumstance would ever be right for those things?
TATUM: We look like assholes.
MAYOR SARANDON: No, we look like faggots, which is exactly the point.
ETHAN: If we’re going to look gay, we should at least be a little more subtle.
MAYOR SARANDON: How so?
(Cut to the five of them in pin-striped suits with purple and pink ties, pinky rings and slicked back hair)
MAYOR SARANDON: Perfect!
(Everybody sits in chairs around the hotel room)
TATUM: So, how are we going to sabotage the DNC?
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re my campaign manager, aren’t you? You think of something.
TATUM: Fine. My idea is that we would get one of the speakers to talk to an inanimate object like Clint Eastwood did last Thursday.
ETHAN: Yeah, what the fuck was that?
MAYOR SARANDON: He was talking to invisible Obama.
ETHAN: He just rambled, talked to a chair and ended on an old movie quote like he just winged it!
MAYOR SARANDON: He’s Clint Eastwood; do you think he cares about some speech to a group of assholes that call themselves the Republican Party?
JOHN: All four of us are members of the Republican Party.
MAYOR SARANDON: And we’re proud assholes. But he could’ve easily called invisible Obama a “spook” like he did to those black guys in Gran Torino.
ETHAN: Well, I think President Obama should replace Vice President Biden with that chair. “OBAMA/CHAIR 2012”. He’ll make much less gaffes.
TIM: The point is, if Obama wins, he’s going to be coming at us with pick axes. We have got to sabotage the convention.
MAYOR SARANDON: Wow, thanks Tim for telling us to do something we already elected to do.
TIM: You’re welcome.
TATUM: Let’s poison the hotel maids.
MAYOR SARANDON: How would that embarrass the DNC?
TATUM: I don’t know, I’ve just always wanted to poison maids.
MAYOR SARANDON: You are a fucking psycho.
TATUM: Hey, my dad was killed by a janitor.
ETHAN: So, not a maid then?
TATUM: It was close enough.
MAYOR SARANDON: Enough is right. See what I did there?
MAYOR SARANDON: I say we go with Tatum’s idea.
JOHN: The maid poisoning one?
MAYOR SARANDON: No, the one involving getting a DNC speaker to talk to an inanimate object.
TIM: How would that even work?
MAYOR SARANDON: We could prop one up there and he’d have no choice but to talk to it, dumby.
TIM: I think you mean dummy, and how would he not have a choice?
MAYOR SARANDON: The inanimate object would be a Chik-Fil-a employee, and they’d have no choice but to yell at her even though she had no part in the anti-gay marriage stance, it’s what they do.
ETHAN: Okay, it sounds like it wouldn’t be an inanimate object then.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes it would, because it’s a woman.
(Cut to Ryan and Michelle at Bernie’s Grinders in a booth)
MICHELLE: Hey. How has your day been?
RYAN: Great, it’s been good. It’s been okay. I caught my finger in the door hinge.
MICHELLE: Ouch. Is it okay?
RYAN: Yeah. It actually turned out well because I realized “door hinge” rhymes with orange.
MICHELLE: Sort of.
RYAN: Yeah. So, what should we do when we get to your house?
MICHELLE: We can make more paintings.
RYAN: Album covers. Great.
MICHELLE: Cool. But they’re paintings.
RYAN: They’re not.
MICHELLE: They are.
MICHELLE: How long has it been?
RYAN: I may have done some with Brennan and Michael last Tuesday.
MICHELLE: Ryan, you have to stop doing this, it’s not good for you.
RYAN: I know, I know.
MICHELLE: Well nonetheless, I’m glad we have today off for Labor Day.
MICHELLE: The weather is great, and-
RYAN: Michelle, no small talk.
MICHELLE: It totally feels like a Sunday.
RYAN: Michelle, please stop.
MICHELLE: I’m pregnant.
MICHELLE: Sorry, I’m not pregnant, it’s just that you told me to stop using small talk.
RYAN: Okay, no BIG talk either.
RYAN: So…what do you want to talk about?
MICHELLE: I don’t know.
RYAN: We must have something to talk about.
MICHELLE: Right...the weather is right out there, waiting to be talked about, we shouldn’t be rude and not talk about it.
RYAN: I’m sure the weather’s not that insecure.
(Brandon comes over with a pad and paper wearing a uniform)
BRANDON: Hey Ryan!
RYAN: Brandon? What are you doing here?
BRANDON: I work here. Josh left to go to college so they had a nerd vacancy. I filled it.
MICHELLE: You don’t look like a nerd.
RYAN: And trust me, we know what nerds look like. Most of us became emos so we could avoid becoming nerds.
BRANDON: Well, I’m not exactly popular, I guess. Anyway, what do you guys want?
RYAN: I know what you want.
BRANDON: What’s that?
RYAN: I’ll have water. I don’t eat in front of others. It’s weird.
(Cut to Madeline sitting on the couch in her dorm room. She receives a text from Ryan and she checks her phone. She opens the text and it says “IT’S WEIRD”. Michelle texts back “I’m in Rhode Island, dipshit” and sends it. Cut back)
BRANDON: Great. And for your lady friend?
MICHELLE: My name’s Michelle. I’m a senior.
BRANDON: Okay then. Michelle, what would you like?
MICHELLE: A six-inch meatball grinder with cheese. No anchovies.
BRANDON: We don’t have anchovies.
MICHELLE: Just don’t put them in.
BRANDON: Okay. Great.
(Brandon walks away)
RYAN: He’s a real character, isn’t he?
MICHELLE: No, he’s perfectly normal.
RYAN: Yeah, he’s great. Too great.
MICHELLE: Are you okay?
MICHELLE: Okay. Why don’t we talk about how your dad is in Charlotte?
RYAN: Who’s Charlotte? I don’t know a Charlotte.
MICHELLE: Why are you acting weird?
RYAN: No reason. I’m fine. Go ahead.
MICHELLE: I wasn’t going to say anything else.
RYAN: Okay. Let’s go, let’s leave.
MICHELLE: Our food hasn’t even come yet!
RYAN: Oh God, I’m having a panic attack!
MICHELLE: Ryan, why are you faking a panic attack if I’m not even angry at you?
RYAN: BECAUSE I’M HAVING A REAL PANIC ATTACK!
MICHELLE: Jesus. (Michelle runs over to Ryan’s side of the booth while he hyperventilates) Just breathe, Ryan.
RYAN: BREATHING IS THE PROBLEM!
(Cut to Madeline and Cameron on the couch in their dorm. Both are them clearly high. Cameron is taking a hit off his pipe. He takes the hit and exhales the smoke)
MADELINE: Is it cashed?
CAMERON: No, it’s still pretty cherry. (Cameron hands the pipe to Madeline, who lights it and inhales. She then exhales and hands it back to Cameron. Cameron tries to inhale, but then puts it down) No, it’s cashed.
MADELINE: Johnny Cashed.
(They both start giggling. Then, a knock is heard at the door)
CAMERON: Fuck. Do you want to get that?
MADELINE: Fuck no, it could be our RA.
CAMERON: Or, it could be the Pillsbury Dough boy.
MADELINE: Why do you think he’s real?
CAMERON: My mom told me the Pillsbury Dough boy delivered me toys instead of Santa, because she thought Santa was over-commercialized.
MADELINE: And the Pillsbury Dough Boy isn’t?
CAMERON: Just get it.
MADELINE: No. WHO IS IT?
VOICE: It’s Kyle.
MADELINE: KYLE WHO?
VOICE: It’s Kyle, Madeline.
MADELINE: Do we know a Kyle Madeline? Oh, wait. (Madeline gets up, goes to the door and opens it to see Kyle Lautenberg standing there) KYLE?
MADELINE: You’re not surprised I’m here, I’m surprised you’re here!
KYLE: I’m surprised too! I was looking for someone else and suddenly I run into you! Holy crap!
MADELINE: So you just happened to be in Warwick looking for somebody at the New England Institute of Technology dormitory where you know I live.
KYLE: It’s pretty incredible, but it is the truth.
MADELINE: You said Madeline while you were knocking on my door.
KYLE: I was looking for a different Madeline.
KYLE: Fine, I came here for you.
MADELINE: You drove two and a half hours to see me?
KYLE: No, I drove half an hour.
MADELINE: I thought you were going to the Whittemore School of Business in New Hampshire?
KYLE: No, I accepted the offer at the University of Rhode Island Business School. I live in Kingston.
MADELINE: So you couldn’t stay away, huh Kiddo?
KYLE: You know I couldn’t, glamorpuss. Also, I’m two months older than you.
MADELINE: Come in.
(Kyle comes in and sees Cameron on the couch)
KYLE: Are you tired or something, Madeline?
MADELINE: No, I’m just high. This is Cameron, my dorm mate.
(Cameron gets up and walks over to Kyle)
CAMERON: S’up, bro?
CAMERON: Dude, you look like such a Jew!
(Madeline and Cameron break out laughing. Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tatum and Tim walking up to a security guard outside the Time Warner arena. They are all in their homosexual suits, and Ethan and Mayor Sarandon are wearing fake mustaches and wigs)
SECURITY GUARD: Hello, can I have your convention passes, sirs?
MAYOR SARANDON: Um, look at us! We are so flaming! We deserve to be in this convention.
SECURITY GUARD: Merely being a homosexual does not make one an attendee of the Democratic National Convention.
(David Axelrod walks over)
DAVID: Now hold on, wait a minute, put a little blatant political exploitation in it! Sir, did you say you are a homosexual?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes, I am a gay.
DAVID: Do you also happen to be a member of the military?
MAYOR SARANDON: …Yes. Retired, but yeah, I was an army doctor.
DAVID: Good enough! What about the rest of these guys?
MAYOR SARANDON: Ethan’s a Republican who supports Obama, John’s a student who benefited from college loans, Tatum’s an auto worker whose job was saved by the bailout and Tim is a straight soldier whose life was saved by a pap smear.
DAVID: Jesus Christ, you five are perfect. LET THEM IN!
SECURITY GUARD: Come in.
(They walk in and David follows. Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tim, Tatum, David Axelrod, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Patrick Gaspard sitting at a dinner table in a back room)
DAVID: These five are perfect for us to exploit for political gain. Using these five examples of the President’s success will convince independents that the President’s policies have worked.
PATRICK: I love them. The tasteful shape of them. Their chins, their hair, their smiles. They could be perfectly positioned on the stage to give the effect of successful policy.
ETHAN: You know, we’re not paintings.
DEBBIE: You might as well be. What the DNC is trying to do is use people who have been positively affected by the President’s policies as props to gain political advantage.
ETHAN: Wow, you guys are craven.
DAVID: Yeah, well so are Republicans.
ETHAN: That doesn’t make it ri-
MAYOR SARANDON: Shut it, Ethan. Listen, we can be used for any purpose you see fit.
DAVID: We can show Brian and Tim making out on stage to show unity between gay and straight soldiers.
PATRICK: It’d be better if they fucked.
ETHAN: But one of them’s straight, right? That doesn’t make any sense.
DAVID: Let’s hear some stories. Brian, tell us your name and your story so we can use it to your advantage.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay. My name is Brian Sara-llion…and I enlisted as an army doctor in 2006, served for a few years, but then I retired a few months ago. I was planning on retiring a few months earlier, but I wanted to serve openly as a gay man for a few months before I retired. Also, Rick Santorum once beat the shit out of me.
DAVID: Oh my God. That is, amazing. Is there a possibility that you can come on stage and throw feathers up in the air or something?
DEBBIE: Maybe have a pillow fight with the straight soldier?
TIM: I have a name. It’s Tim Awesome-son.
ETHAN: Oh no.
PATRICK: That’s a very unusual name, Tim.
TIM: I’m a very unusual guy. I have a band.
MAYOR SARANDON: Don’t.
(Tim pulls out a picture of him and a few other people posing in a band photo and David takes it)
TIM: There I am with my band, right after practice.
(David flips the picture around)
DAVID: On the back it says your name is Tim Price.
TIM: No, that’s a mistake, it should say Tim Prive. It must’ve been a typo, since the V is right next to the C on the keyboard.
DAVID: First of all, you said your last name was “Awesome-son”, second of all, this was handwritten and third of all, isn’t Timothy Price the treasurer of Hansbay, Vermont?
TIM: That’s just a coincidence and Awesome-son is just a stage name.
DAVID: I see. Change your stage name, it’s really stupid. No disrespect to the military, of course.
TIM: None taken.
DAVID: But still, change that name.
(Cut to the five of them sitting in seats on the convention floor)
MAYOR SARANDON: This is a HUGE opportunity. We could embarrass the pants off of these dirty liberals.
TATUM: Totally, I’m going to pretend to have tourettes and then blame them for not asking me if I had tourettes.
MAYOR SARANDON: I love it!
JOHN: This is the best. You know, you guys are such great friends.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, calm down.
(John bows his head)
ETHAN: Listen, what if we get caught trying to sabotage the convention? That’s the end of our political careers.
JOHN: I think it’s worth it. As long as I’m with my friends, everything seems okay.
MAYOR SARANDON: Please stop.
ETHAN: I just don’t think it’s worth the risk.
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re wearing moustaches, we’ll never be discovered.
ETHAN: What are you? A cartoon character?
MAYOR SARANDON: Nah.
(Tatum stands up and starts waving his hands)
ETHAN: What are you doing?
TATUM: I thought someone was looking for us.
ETHAN: No, nobody is.
TATUM: Oh. Sorry.
(Tatum sits down. Cut to the five of them watching Newark, New Jersey Mayor Cory Booker’s speech)
MAYOR BOOKER: Our platform calls for significant cuts in federal spending! Our platform calls for a balanced deficit reduction plan where everyone, everyone, from elected officials to the wealthy to the super wealthy pay their fair share. (Applause and cheers) And please listen to this, because, when your country is in a costly war with our soldiers sacrificing abroad and our nation is facing a debt crisis at home, being asked to pay your fair share ISN’T CLASS WARFARE! IT’S PATRIOTISM!
(Multitudinous applause and cheers continue. Cut to the five of them sitting in the audience clapping while Muslims and black people stand up and cheer behind them)
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re surrounded by Muslims and black people; this must be the Democratic National Convention.
ETHAN: It’s really difficult to applaud all this socialism they’re spouting. This convention seems more like Che Guevara’s basement than an arena in North Carolina. Radicals screaming and pounding a podium while water drips from the ceiling. (Water drips on Ethan) Agh!
TATUM: Yeah, and they adopted gay marriage legalization in their party platform, but they didn’t mention that Jerusalem is the Capitol of Israel!
JOHN: They also didn’t mention that Carson City is the capital of Nevada. What the fuck?
ETHAN: That’s-what? That’s not why we’re outraged.
(Cut to Julian Castro’s speech)
JULIAN CASTRO: Now, like many of you, I watched last week's Republican convention. They told a few stories of individual success. We all celebrate individual success. But the question is, how do we multiply that success? The answer is President Barack Obama.
ETHAN: Okay, this is Che Guevara’s basement.
MAYOR SARANDON: If I were him I would change my name to Julian Castor. Just switch the O and the R around.
TATUM: Yeah, but then he sounds like a Latino ghost.
JOHN: No, he said Julian Castor, not Casper.
TATUM: AHH! You scared me!
(The four of them stare at Tatum. Cut to Michelle Obama speaking)
MICHELLE OBAMA: And the truth is, I loved the life we had built for our girls, and I deeply loved the man I had built that life with — and I didn’t want that to change if he became President.
MAYOR SARANDON: You didn’t build that!
ETHAN: I love her.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, she’s great.
(Cut to the next day. The five of them are sitting in their seats)
MAYOR SARANDON: I have a great idea to embarrass them.
MAYOR SARANDON: When the chairman moves to insert the “Jerusalem is the capital of Israel” part into the party platform, let’s shout “NO”, just to embarrass them.
ETHAN: That’s a great idea! Then people will think some of them are anti-Israel!
TATUM: Let’s do it!
(Former Governor Ted Strickland walks up to a microphone)
GOVERNOR STRICKLAND: Mr. Chairman, I move that we suspend the rules to permit an amendment to the platform adopted by this convention last night.
CHAIRMAN VILLARAIGOSA: Governor Strickland has made a motion on the floor to suspend the rules, is there a second?
CHAIRMAN VILLARAIGOSA: A motion to suspend the rules to permit the amendment to the platform has been moved and seconded. This is a non-debatable motion requiring a two-thirds vote. All in-those in favor of suspending the rules say aye! (A large amount of people scream aye) All those opposed say no?
(Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Tatum, Tim and John scream “no” along with a bunch of other people)
MAYOR SARANDON: Wait, what?!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Ethan are backstage with David)
MAYOR SARANDON: When do we get to speak?
DAVID: Oh, we’re actually booked when it comes to speakers. But you will be able to go on stage and be shown as people who have benefited from the President’s policies.
MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Okay then.
(Pan to Chuck Schumer coming out on stage to make a speech. David leaves. Mayor Sarandon sees a couch and pushes it on stage)
SENATOR SCHUMER: What…are you doing?
MAYOR SARANDON: (Fake Bronx accent) Someone told me to move a couch ‘ere.
SENATOR SCHUMER: Someone told you to move a couch onto the stage of a major party’s political convention?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, I work for a movin’ company.
SENATOR SCHUMER: You’re wearing a suit.
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re a…fancy movin’ company.
SENATOR SCHUMER: I see.
MAYOR SARANDON: Do ya have anything to say to this couch?
SENATOR SCHUMER: Excuse me?
MAYOR SARANDON: My name’s Couch.
SENATOR SCHUMER: Your name is Couch?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes it is.
SENATOR SCHUMER: Wow, weird name.
MAYOR SARANDON: (Mumbles something)
SENATOR SCHUMER: What’d you say, Couch?
MAYOR SARANDON: AH-HA! He was talkin’ to the couch! Holy shit balls! GAFFE! GAFFE!
(Cut to Ethan sitting on a chair backstage with his hand in his face. Governor Peter Shumlin walks over to him)
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: …Ethan?
(Ethan looks up)
ETHAN: What? No, I’m not Hansbay Chief of Staff Ethan Donahue; I’m a gay Republican soldier who supports pap smears or something.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: C’mon. You’re the Chief of Staff to Mayor Sarandon.
ETHAN: (Sigh) Yeah, I am. But don’t tell anybody.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Oh, I won’t. But I do want to ask you something. How would you like to come work for me, Ethan?
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: I think you’re a good worker. You’re clearly loyal. But your skills are not appreciated much in your current position. Your boss is an incompetent drunk who makes foolish decisions and has a 22-year old trollop for a girlfriend. He’s not letting you advance any further in Hansbay’s government and just between you and I, once the hammer comes down on his corruption, you’re going to be the scapegoat.
ETHAN: What makes you think that?
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: Mayor Sarandon calls me sometimes when he wants to use state funds or invites me to one of his bunga-bunga parties.
ETHAN: Jesus. He told you that he would blame me?
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: No, but I know he will. You’re the only person in the Hansbay City Government who people could believe did the most wrong. I think you deserve better. What do you say?
ETHAN: But…you’re a Democrat.
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: And you’re a Republican. But you’ll just have to facilitate staff functions, not support any policy initiatives. Plus, you’ll have to move your family to Montpelier.
ETHAN: …Governor, I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think I’m in a position to do that right now.
(Mayor Sarandon walks off the stage into the backstage)
MAYOR SARANDON: Those liberals are bloodthirsty out there. But I think he was yelling at the couch, not me.
(Mayor Sarandon walks away)
GOVERNOR SHUMLIN: …If you ever change your mind and if you ever want to actually advance your career, give me a call.
(Governor Shumlin hands him his card, shakes his hand and walks off. Cut to the next day. Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, Tatum, Tim, John, Vice President Joe Biden, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer and Senator John Kerry at a dinner table)
MAYOR SARANDON: Um…so, I love your pizza.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: What?
(President Obama enters the room and everybody stands up to greet him and shake his hand)
ETHAN: Nice to meet you for the first time, President Obama.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: You as well, sir. (They all sit down) Joe, introduce me to some of these folks.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Well Barack, these gentlemen are Ethan Bilkerspets, Brian Sarallion, Tatum Jocelyn, Tim Awesome-son and John Thinkofalastnameforme.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Nice to meet you folks.
ETHAN: It’s also nice to meet you for the first time.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: O-kay. You know, you kind of look familiar, Ethan.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: …Well, anyway, how are you folks enjoying your dinner?
HARRY: It’s magnificent, Mr. President. I love this way more than Governor Romney’s father loved him.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: What did I tell you about saying stuff like that? Now let’s just have a peaceful dinner with each other and pretend like Pelosi isn’t the reason half the country hates us.
NANCY PELOSI: I’ll drink to that!
(They clink their glasses together and drink)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: So Joe, why are we exploiting these fine folks?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Brian’s a gay soldier, Ethan’s a Republican who supports Obama, John’s a student who benefited from college loans, Tatum’s an auto worker whose job was saved by the bailout and Tim is a straight soldier whose life was saved by a pap smear.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Tight.
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Indeed. Mr. President, I was thinking for my speech I could make a tasteful holocaust joke.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Do you just try to make gaffes?
VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN: Sometimes I get bored.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Folks, we could win this election and continue to advance progress. We’ve saved the economy from collapse, we saved the auto industry, we’ve expanded gay rights, we’ve expanded healthcare coverage, we had SEAL Team Six take out Bin Laden, we ended the war in Iraq, we put new consumer protections and banking regulations in place and we’ve created four million jobs, but America has to continue to fix the economy and advance the other issues we haven’t yet addressed. Folks realize that folks are hurting out there and if us folks don’t fix that problem, then folks are going to tell other folks to not support us any longer, folks.
STENY HOYER: You say “folks” so often.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Go folk yourself, Steny.
SENATOR KERRY: Mr. President, let me give you a piece of advice-
PRESIDENT OBAMA: NO!
SENATOR KERRY: Fair enough.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: We need people like Bryant, Elmer, Jim, Tom and Sean to exemplify why we’re right.
ETHAN: You got all of our names wrong, but that’s okay, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: We need to win at any and every cost. I e-mail you folks new euphemisms for the stances that Republicans slap pejorative pet names on every week because we all know this party has neither the time, nor the balls to stand its ground, ever. In fact, we do have the time, we just lack the balls. That’s why we need to rely on folks like these five and of course pot-smoking teens, to win this election.
TATUM: I’ll drink to that!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: No!
SENATOR KERRY: With all due respect, Mr. President, I think if we had stood up to Republican obstructionism and vitriolic rhetoric more forcefully, we could’ve retained political clout to get actually universal healthcare, get unemployment down to six percent, we could’ve gotten Congress to appropriate funds to close Gitmo and we could’ve kept the House in 2010.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: But if I had called out Republicans for their assholery that would’ve ruined my cool and calm demeanor.
TIM: Calm people don’t always make good Presidents. Look at Lincoln. He had anxiety problems and he was a homosexual. He was like a gay George Costanza.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Who are you?
TIM: I’m Tim, we just me-
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thirdly, Obamacare is universal healthcare. It is universally for everyone except 15 million people. But, if we send some of those people to the still open Gitmo, we can bring down those numbers a little bit.
STENY: But Gitmo is still American soil.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: God damnit. Maybe I should close Gitmo and use Cuba as a leper colony for the uninsured.
ETHAN: I don’t know if that’d go over well, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: No one would know, I would invoke the state secrets act and if they tried to find out I would send a drone to their house and give them a happy ending!
ETHAN: You would give them an Asian handjob?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: No, I would shoot them. Dead.
MAYOR SARANDON: That doesn’t really sound like a happy ending.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Yeah, I still have to work on one-liners a little bit. Maybe I could call it an unhappy ending?
ETHAN: That’s what they call an Asian driver’s license test.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Oh, okay. What about-
NANCY: Would you really order someone trying to find out about your uninsured leper colony dead?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: No, it was a joke. It was a funny joke.
TIM: Nixon told a lot of funny jokes. I think he released a comedy album, in fact.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Who invited this guy?
TIM: You did!
(Cut to the five of them standing on the stage behind David Axelrod who is at the podium)
DAVID AXELROD: These five men behind me have benefited greatly from the President’s policies. Brian’s a gay solider, Ethan’s a Republican who supports Obama, John’s a student who benefited from college loans, Tatum’s an auto worker whose job was saved by the bailout and Tim is a straight soldier whose life was saved by a pap smear. How is that possible, you ask? Well, it saved the life of a woman who later saved his life. BOOM!
MAYOR SARANDON: I LOVE COMMUNISM!
DAVID AXELROD: …He said he loves CONDOMS! Wow, that’s not better. He said he loves-
TATUM: FUCK THE POLICE!
DAVID: No, the police are very astute individuals, we want cities to hire more!
MAYOR SARANDON: I LOVE COCK!
DAVID: That’s actually effective, HE IS A GAY SOLDIER! HE CAN SAY THAT NOW!
MAYOR SARANDON: Damnit, that worked for them. What do I do now?
ETHAN: Nothing, this whole idea was stupid to begin with.
MAYOR SARANDON: This idea was genius.
ETHAN: Brian, sometimes I feel like…
MAYOR SARANDON: What? Sometimes you feel like what?
DAVID: This man is FLAMING!
(Cut to Ryan and Michelle sitting in Michelle’s room)
RYAN: Sorry about that, I guess I do have panic attacks.
MICHELLE: Talk about the boy who cried panic attack.
RYAN: Yeah, sorry. So, do you want to paint or whatever?
(Michelle gets up, opens the closet and wheels out a painting of the guy with an apple in front of his face, except blood is hemorrhaging out of the apple and the guy is a zombie)
RYAN: That is awesome.
MICHELLE: Well, you had a good idea, so I painted it.
RYAN: Thanks, Michelle.
MICHELLE: No problem. Let’s start with a clean slate though. (Michelle wheels out a blank canvas) What should we paint now?
RYAN: A velosceraptor listening to an iPod while perched on a mountain of skulls. The band would be called “Ocean Of Pain”.
MICHELLE: First of all, that band name has nothing to do with the visuals involved, secondly, Ryan, these are not album covers. Why can’t we make something scenic and nice?
RYAN: Like what? A field of flowers? Rolling hillsides? Children with ice cream on their shirts running through the park on a warm summer day?
RYAN: No! No, absolutely not! We need blood and gore and despair and symbolism.
MICHELLE: I agree with symbolism part.
RYAN: As long as it symbolizes blood and gore and despair.
MICHELLE: Of course. Why?
RYAN: Because that’s what life is.
MICHELLE: That’s not true; there are many beautiful things in this world.
RYAN: Yeah, but pettiness, selfishness, greed, idolatry and idleness are winning. And they always will.
MICHELLE: What’s your point?
RYAN: My point is art should reflect that.
MICHELLE: So, art can’t shine light on the good part of life?
RYAN: There’s already way too much art reflecting that, it’s quotidian.
MICHELLE: So my art is too QUOTIDIAN for you, huh?
RYAN: Michelle, that’s not what I meant, I’m just saying-
MICHELLE: YOU are a very mean person.
(Ryan gets up and goes over to Michelle)
RYAN: Michelle, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.
MICHELLE: You know what your problem is, Ryan? You’re too willing to accept your circumstances and you can’t let ANYONE help you.
RYAN: I never asked for your help!
MICHELLE: You asked for it three and a half months ago when we started dating!
RYAN: No I didn’t!
MICHELLE: Ryan, remember when you and Michael ruined everybody’s weekend back in May? I talked to you for FOUR HOURS about how you needed help. Now I’m trying to get you off drugs and you’re repelling my help away!
RYAN: I don’t NEED your help! My life is something I cultivate on my own. I’m simply getting drugs out of my system while I’m young so I’m not hooked on drugs later in life!
MICHELLE: And you’re accomplishing that by putting drugs IN your system?
RYAN: YES! Finally, you get it.
MICHELLE: Jesus Christ, Ryan. I’m trying to help you.
RYAN: And I’m trying to tell YOU that I can handle my life on my own. I got where I am now based on my decisions. I built that.
MICHELLE: YOU didn’t build that! Someone else made that happen!
RYAN: Made what happen? Me passing tenth grade? Me getting a girlfriend? Me surviving a concentration camp? I did all those things.
MICHELLE: Your teachers accepted your bribes for you to pass tenth grade, I agreed to be your girlfriend, the Navy SEALs saved us in Iraq, you didn’t build that.
RYAN: But I DID build my occasional recreational drug use. And it’s my decision, not yours, about whether I go on with it.
MICHELLE: And since you’re not making the right decision, I have to step in.
RYAN: You don’t HAVE to do anything.
MICHELLE: Fine, then. I won’t. So get out.
(Ryan leaves the room and slams the door. Michelle then breaks down in tears. Cut to Madeline, Cameron and Kyle sitting on the couch in Madeline’s dorm. Cameron is packing his pipe)
KYLE: So…this place is nice.
CAMERON: Murder’s a sin, you know.
KYLE: Excuse me?
CAMERON: Lying is also a sin.
KYLE: Got it.
MADELINE: So you couldn’t stay away huh, kiddo?
KYLE: You already said that. And yes, I couldn’t.
MADELINE: Well, I’m glad we can still be friends.
KYLE: Wait, I thought-
MADELINE: Shh! Okay? Kyle? You had your chance with me! Twice! I offered friendship; you rejected it because you couldn’t have a relationship with me. So now you’ve come to your senses and you’ve come here to be my friend. Do you get that? Do you get it? We are friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend.
KYLE: …Okay. That’s fine.
MADELINE: Now come on, get high with us.
MADELINE: Cameron? Are you done packing that piece?
KYLE: What kind of weed is this?
CAMERON: It’s mega purple hay, a type of weed from Lichtenstein that is cultivated by Asian dwarves.
(Cameron hands Kyle the pipe and the lighter. He lights it, he inhales, then exhales and hands the pipe back to Cameron)
KYLE: That’s pretty dank.
CAMERON: Dank Cook.
(All three of them laugh profusely)
MADELINE: Why are weed-related celebrity name puns so funny right now?
(Cut to Ethan, Mayor Sarandon, John, Tim and Tatum watching President Obama’s acceptance speech at the Bank of America stadium)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: If you feel a cold coming on, take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations and call us in the morning.
(Everybody starts laughing and cheering)
ETHAN: (Whispering to Mayor Sarandon) Just to let you know, I quit.
MAYOR SARANDON: What?
(Cut to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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