The Donahues Episode 36

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan deals with unemployment by engaging in a gold enterprise, Ryan goes to a wise man to seek advice about Michelle while he deals with their breakup, Michelle deals with her boss and Rob gets hired at the Post Office

Submitted: September 10, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 10, 2012






“All things are busy; only I neither bring honey with the bees, nor flowers to make that, nor the husbandry to water these”

- George Herbert

(We start with Mayor Sarandon standing next to Ethan’s old desk, which is now empty, smiling. The joke-a-day calendar on the wall shows it is September 11, 2012. Tim and John walk into work)

MAYOR SARANDON: Good morning, gentlemen.

TIM: Morning, Brian.

JOHN: Happy Birthday.

MAYOR SARANDON: Thank you very much. (Tim and John start to walk away) Where are you guys going?

TIM: They have a 9/11 victim’s tribute on CNN.

(They go into another room)

MAYOR SARANDON: Of course. I’m 51, but 9/11 is eleven, so…the youngest one is treated the best.

(Sophie walks by)

SOPHIE: Are you kidding me? That is so offensive.

MAYOR SARANDON: You’re right. Sorry. I’ll go watch the special.

(Mayor Sarandon follows Sophie. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly sitting on the couch in the living room)

ETHAN: I can’t believe I’m unemployed. I should be so ployed it’s unbelievable.

KIMBERLY: That is not how that word works.

ETHAN: Don’t correct me right now; I am grieving for the loss of my job.

KIMBERLY: I mean, you quit.

ETHAN: That’s true. But I told him that my wife had cancer and we need to afford chemotherapy, but he didn’t listen.


ETHAN: Oh yeah. I guess that was just my plan in case I ever got fired from a job.

KIMBERLY: It’s a good plan.

ETHAN: Well, now I’m bored.

KIMBERLY: You could…write a letter.

ETHAN: To whom?

KIMBERLY: It doesn’t matter, it’ll just get lost in the mail anyway!

(Kimberly chuckles)

ETHAN: …Letters very rarely get lost in the mail, that joke had no relatibility.

KIMBERLY: Just find a way to keep busy. Update your resume.

ETHAN: Okay. (Ethan opens his laptop and pulls up his resume in a word document and starts typing) “Chief of Staff to the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont, 2001-2012”. Done.

(Ethan closes his laptop)

KIMBERLY: Okay…well maybe you could get a hobby.

ETHAN: What? Like collecting sea shells? Collecting beanie babies? Collecting figurines? Collecting 18th century engravings?

KIMBERLY: Not all hobbies are just collecting things.

ETHAN: Collecting gold coins? Maybe I could do that cash for gold thing. How much gold do you have? (Kimberly takes out her purse, sticks her hand in it and pulls out two gold bars and sets them down on the coffee table) …How?

KIMBERLY: A woman’s purse is like a vortex, if you dig deep enough you can find anything.

ETHAN: Thanks. I’ll go to my local Cash for Gold place. I just have to figure out where that is.

KIMBERLY: There’s one at Hansbay Town Center.

ETHAN: Perfect! I’ll go there and trade my gold in for cash! Maybe I can use the money to buy more gold!

KIMBERLY: Great. Well, I’m going to an HOA meeting.

ETHAN: Okay.

(Ethan kisses Kimberly as Rob comes in. Rob stands there as Kimberly leaves. Rob comes over to Ethan and sits down beside him)

ROB: Hey Ethan, I have something to tell you.

ETHAN: Oh my God Rob, just shut up! Nobody wants you to be here, you suck and I hate everything about you. Now, I have to go to the Cash for Gold place and I have no time to listen to you brag about finishing fifth in a biathlon or whatever the fuck.

(Ethan gets up and leaves. Cut to a bunch of students funneling into the gym for a pep rally. Ryan, Michael, Brennan, Sarah and Brandon sit in the bleachers in the back. Michelle sits in the middle with Jacob, Ross, Beckett and Kirsten)

MICHAEL: What’s the deal? Why isn’t Michelle sitting with you?

RYAN: We broke up. Or something. I’m not exactly sure, but things are not going well.

SARAH: My God, Ryan, that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that.

RYAN: Yeah, it does. We just want different things. It’s not her, it’s me. We’re just not good fits. We could not make sense. Thing are really weird for me, right now. I have a-

BRENNAN: Stop the breakup lines, Michelle’s not even here.

RYAN: Yeah.

BRANDON: Well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Plenty of bears in the forest. Plenty of termites in the sink fixture. Plenty of urinary tract infections at the furry convention.

SARAH: We get it.


BRENNAN: When did it happen?

RYAN: Eight days ago.

SARAH: You guys have been broken up for a week?!

RYAN: Yeah, sorry I didn’t tell you guys earlier, but I thought you guys got the hint when I changed my relationship status on Facebook from “In a relationship with Michelle Reed” to “single”.

SARAH: No, you changed your political party to “single” and changed your relationship status to “Liberal Democrat”.

RYAN: Fucking Facebook design changes.

SARAH: You realize those had nothing to do with your screw-up, right?

RYAN: I just can’t believe she broke up with me. It was just a stupid fight over her stupid paintings. Also, my drug habit may have come up at one point.

BRANDON: You do drugs? (Everybody looks at him) So…this is common knowledge, then? (Everybody nods their heads) Thanks for making me feel dumb for not knowing something I couldn’t have known.

BRENNAN: You’re welcome.

(Cut to the gym floor. The cheerleaders are doing a routine in dark blue uniforms. There are signs everywhere and they read “HANSBAY HIGHLANDERS” and “BEAT THE BURLINGTON SEA HORSES!”. After the cheerleaders do their routine, they clear off the gym floor and Preston and Natasha walk onto the gym floor with microphones)

PRESTON: HOW GOES IT, HANSBAY HIGH?! (Everybody except the emo Klan cheers)Terrific. What are the Hansbay Highlanders going to do to those dirty starfish?

NATASHA: Sea horses.

PRESTON: Sea horses?


PRESTON: Yep! We’re going to beat ‘em like a rented Rihanna.


PRESTON: Now, for a skit. (He puts on a “Hansbay Highlanders” cap on and Natasha puts on a “Burlington Seahorses” cap on) Hey there. Who are you?

NATASHA: (Exaggeratedly chipper voice) HI! I’m a Burlington High mom, and I LOVE my little football player!

(She starts giggling enthusiastically and Preston pretends to slit her throat. She then falls to the floor and starts convulsing and making death noises while the audience stays silent. Preston picks up the microphone)

PRESTON: Let’s beat those sea horses! (A couple people clap as Natasha gets up and runs off stage) Now, (Preston opens a crate of “Hansbay Highlanders” t-shirts) WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?! (Everybody starts cheering as Preston throws t-shirts into the crowd. After five t-shirts, he stops and opens another crate full of bowling balls with “Hansbay Highlanders” printed on them) Now, WHO WANTS A HANSBAY HIGHLANDER BOWLING BALL? (He picks one up and throws it into the audience as the entire audience screams and runs away and Principal Maxell tackles Preston as the bowling ball lands in the middle of the bleachers, where everybody has already ran away from. Cut to Ryan walking into Hot Topic with Michelle in her office in the back. Ryan walks over to the front desk and sits down. Michelle gets up and walks over to the front desk)

MICHELLE: Where have you been? You took a personal week last week and you weren’t here yesterday.

RYAN: I had an eye appointment at noon yesterday.

MICHELLE: Wow, if you were going to make up an appointment, you should’ve at least made it during you work hours.

RYAN: Good advice.

MICHELLE: Listen, is this because of us?

RYAN: Yes. I just want to know where we are visa vi our relationship.

MICHELLE: We’re taking a break.

RYAN: So in other words, we’re broken up?

MICHELLE: That’s correct. But we still have to work together, so do some work. Remember, you no longer have our relationship to fall back on.

RYAN: Right. But I do have our friendship to fall back on.

MICHELLE: Give that until the end of the day.

(Michelle walks into her office and closes the door. Dean walks out of the back room)

DEAN: That’s tough, man.

RYAN: Yeah.

DEAN: You know what I do when someone breaks up with me?

RYAN: What?

DEAN: I like to take a rope and choke myself until I pass out.

RYAN: Jesus, isn’t that the choking game?

DEAN: No, this isn’t Panem, okay? It’s a stress relief tactic that an old Asian wise man taught to me.

RYAN: How did you meet him?

DEAN: While climbing Mount Mansfield up in Underhill. He also told me that my girlfriend wasn’t right for me. She was too demanding and unwilling to accept me for who I am. He really changed my life.

RYAN: …So he’s not a complete idiot.

DEAN: No, he’s very wise.

RYAN: How far is Mount Mansfield from here?

DEAN: Like, an hour.

RYAN: …How about we go? I could use some guidance.

DEAN: Sweet! You know, I’ve always said we should hang out.

RYAN: Don’t push it.

DEAN: Okay.

RYAN: Get those black shorts off the discount rack.

(Dean gets a pair of black shorts and throws them to Ryan. Ryan catches them and knocks on Michelle’s door)


RYAN: Dean and I are going to meet with the shipping company to demand they stop sending us the “Free Weezy” shirts from when Li’l Wayne was in jail.

MICHELLE: Okay, be back soon.

RYAN: Okay.

(Ryan and Dean walk out, passing a trash can full of “Free Weezy” t-shirts. Cut to Rob on the phone with Kimberly in his room)

ROB: Ethan doesn’t like me at all, Kimmy.

KIMBERLY: (On the phone) He’s just in a bad mood now that he doesn’t have a job. Who wouldn’t be?

ROB: He quit though!

KIMBERLY: Well, he quit for good reasons. Now stop thinking about Ethan and get a job yourself! I put a lead on your desk.

(Rob picks up a piece of paper)

ROB: Yeah, it’s a lead for the US Postal Service. I’m not sure if I want to work in a dying industry.

KIMBERLY: Not THAT many people get shot by disgruntled ex-employees.

ROB: That’s not what I meant by dying industry.

KIMBERLY: Well, it’s a job, so go out and get it.

ROB: That’s the thing though, the job they’re hiring me for is a job in which I fire people because, quote, “The manager doesn’t want to have to deal with that shit”.

KIMBERLY: Well, who would?

ROB: This is gonna suck.

KIMBERLY: This is good, Rob. It’ll get you away your level 18 Elf on Sky Rim.

ROB: He is a dark elf. Or at least he was, until he took an arrow to the knee.

(Rob chuckles)

KIMBERLY: I told you I don’t understand fucking internet memes. Stop saying them at me.

ROB: Sorry. All your base are belong to us.


(She hangs up. Cut to Rob in a suit in an interview with the boss, who is wearing a postal office uniform and they are sitting in an office)

POSTAL BOSS: Hello. I’m Greg Shuster.

ROB: Robert Altmire.

(They shake hands over the desk and then stop)

GREG: Robert, do you think you’re prepared for the rigors this job entails?

ROB: Um, I once fixed a printer, so yeah, I’m pretty adept at firing people.

GREG: …Okay, but do you know the best way to fire someone?

ROB: Um, usually at the end of the day on a Friday, so they have some time to cool off over the weekend so they don’t impulsively decide to shoot everyone.

GREG: Usually yes, but we here at the Postal Service are suffering through an economy that no longer really needs us. As a result, we’ve had to make some redundancies.

ROB: So, you’re changing your name to “The United States Postal Service of the United States” or something?

GREG: …No. Redundancies as in layoffs. But we’ve found that the most efficient way to get rid of excess postal workers is to fire one of them on a Monday morning with little time to rationalize their actions. Also, we give them a gun store’s address as a potential lead for a new job. Our hope is that they will then come back and shoot a bunch of our employees so we can get rid of them quicker, easier and cheaper. We don’t want to have to pay severance.

ROB: …That’s…horrifying.

GREG: Indeed. But it is a necessity. Would you like the job of firing these people?

ROB: I guess. Wouldn’t it cost less money just to fire them yourself instead of paying someone else to-you know what? Nevermind. I’ll take the job.

GREG: Great.

(They shake hands. Cut to Ethan at a Cash 4 Gold place’s front counter holding a bag. Farmer John works there and looks like an 1840s California gold rush tycoon, wearing brown trousers with a collared shirt and suspenders and donning a long beard and a floppy hat)

FARMER JOHN: (Western hick accent) Well GOOD GOLLY GEE! What can I do for ya, yankee?

ETHAN: Um, hey John, I have two pieces of gold I would like to trade for cash.

(Ethan takes out two gold bricks and puts them on the counter)


ETHAN: Um…yeah. Farmer John, why are you dressed like an 1840s gold rush tycoon?

FARMER JOHN: Now, who’s this Farmer John?! I’m Gold Rush John now!

ETHAN: You were never FARMER John! You only had a garden.

GOLD RUSH JOHN: Damn right, and I made that garden sang! I even branded my petunias!

(He holds up a brander with a burnt petunia dangling to it)

ETHAN: Great. Can you give me cash for these, please?

GOLD RUSH JOHN: Absolutely, Mista Donahue! You wouldn’t believe how much money this Cash 4 Gold thing is makin’, let me yell ya. I made so much money getting’ people’s jewelry, appraisin’ it, givin’ a bullshit price and then sellin’ dat shit for even more cash. Anyway, these two gold bricks are worth twenty dollars.

ETHAN: TWENTY dollars? Are you fucking kidding me? These are the kind of gold bricks that you pick up in old video games to gain health, they are SOLID gold. Plus, you just told me this whole thing’s a scam.

GOLD RUSH JOHN: Well, if ya want you can pan for gold in the kiddy gold panning pool in back.

ETHAN: No, I’m good. I am going to take my gold and go elsewhere.

(Ethan takes his gold bars and leaves. Cut to Michelle in her office. A knock is heard at the door)

MICHELLE: Are you guys back?


MICHELLE: Oh. Come in. (A man in a suit walks in and Michelle stands up and shakes his hand. They sit down) What can I do for you, Gene?

GENE: Well, it has come to my attention completely by accident that you are in a relationship with a subordinate of yours.

MICHELLE: Oh. Well, why do you think this?

(Gene holds up a picture of Michelle and Ryan kissing while taking a picture of themselves in the Apple Store)

GENE: You friended me on Facebook.


GENE: You have like, forty of these. (Gene holds up a stack of pictures and puts them on Michelle’s desk) Here’s one of you guys at the bowling alley-(He holds up a picture of them at the bowling alley) in the pediatrist’s office. (He holds up a picture of them in a podiatrist’s office) here’s the two of you in a women’s restroom, (He holds up a picture of them inside a women’s restroom) and even an airport restroom.

(He holds up a picture of the two of them cramped inside an airport restroom)

MICHELLE: Yeah, that plane wasn’t even running.

GENE: How did-

MICHELLE: What is your point, Gene?

GENE: When did this romantic relationship begin?

MICHELLE: Late May of this year.

GENE: When did you hire Mr. Donahue?

MICHELLE: I hired him in late March of this year.

GENE: I see. So you worked with him for two months before becoming romantically involved?

MICHELLE: He worked for me.

GENE: Oh yeah, women can be bosses now.

MICHELLE: That’s been the case for a while.

(Gene writes some stuff down)

GENE: Okay, you two began fucking in late May-

MICHELLE: DATING. We haven’t fucked yet, not that it’s any of your business!

GENE: Have you given him a blowjob or a humjob?

MICHELLE: Those are the same thing.

GENE: I know, I was just offering you a range of different terms. Would “blowie” be a more appropriate term?

MICHELLE: No, and none of these are appropriate terms, especially not ones to ask me. Why is it your business whether I’ve given him fellatio or not?

GENE: Well, because-(He picks up a broken video camera and puts it on the desk) this was in the back room. Along with an inscription on the wall that said “RYAN AND MICHELLE WERE HERE HAVING A GOOD TIME”.

MICHELLE: Having a good time could mean anything.

GENE: Below that it said in parentheses “By good time I mean Michelle was blowing Ryan”.

MICHELLE: Goddamn Ryan.

GENE: Listen, company policy dictates that workplace relationships have to be disclosed to corporate in California.

MICHELLE: Wow, that sounds overly-bureacratic.

GENE: Oh, it is. Do you know who Craig Newman and Taylor Pinson are?


GENE: Well, they were two seventeen year olds who had a relationship while working at a Hot Topic in Kentwood, Michigan back in 2004 and now they’re both dead.

MICHELLE: Jesus Christ. How do you know that?

GENE: It’s all in the corporate file. We keep it all.

MICHELLE: That’s really weird, how did they die?

GENE: Natural causes. Anyway, you need to get your shiatsu together and disclose this relationship with corporate.

MICHELLE: Well, lucky for you, that relationship ended a week ago.

GENE: Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. You’ll land on your feet, Megan.

MICHELLE: Michelle.

GENE: Yep. I said that.

(Cut to Ryan and Dean hiking up Mount Mansfield)

RYAN: Jesus, how long do we have to walk?

DEAN: What are you talking about, it’s right here!

(Pan to a large tent)

RYAN: Wow. That wasn’t very far up the mountain.

DEAN: Yeah.

RYAN: But for God’s sake, it’s hotter than balls out here.

DEAN: It’s seventy degrees.

RYAN: Seventy degrees hot, maybe.

DEAN: …Yes?

RYAN: Let’s just go in.

(They walk into the tent to see an old Asian man with a silk robe on. He has a long, thin beard and he is sitting Indian style with his hands clasped and his eyes closed)

DEAN: It is an honor to see you once again, sir.

WISE MAN: Likewise. Who is this?

RYAN: Who are you?

WISE MAN: I am the wise man of wisdom.

(Pan to a midget next to a gong. He bangs the gong)

RYAN: Why is there a midget banging a gong over there?

WISE MAN: He bangs the gong every time I say something introspective or contemplative in nature. Like this. Destiny.

(The midget bangs the gong)

RYAN: Okay…listen, Mr. Wise man-

WISE MAN: No, please, call me Mr. Wiseman. (Pronounced wyze-muhn)

RYAN: Mr. Wiseman?

WISE MAN: Yes. That’s my name. I’m Lloyd Wiseman.

RYAN: So are you Asian or are you a Jew?

LLOYD: I’m an Asian Jew. (The midget bangs the gong) No, that’s not contemplative or introspective, goddamnit.

RYAN: Mr. Wiseman, I need guidance. I have 99 problems and a bitch is one. I don’t usually quote Jay-Z, but it’s the truth.

LLOYD: I don’t get that reference. What is a Jay-Z? Is it a kind of a nut?

RYAN: Yes, I quoted a nut, aren’t you supposed to be a wise old man?

LLOYD: Well, I am 250.

RYAN: There’s no way you’re 250. The oldest person ever was 122.

LLOYD: Fine, I’m sixty.

RYAN: Let’s focus. I have three big problems and they are the following: My girlfriend broke up with me, my grades are lackluster and I have a drug habit. What’s worse is that I am jealous of a kid named Brandon Nehring for two reasons; he has better grades and he’s dating the girl of my dreams.

DEAN: Wait, Michelle’s dating already?


DEAN: Then how is Brandon dating the girl of your dreams?

RYAN: How are you not getting this?

LLOYD: I think I get it. The girl of your dreams is actually a guy.

RYAN: No, that is not a reasonable conclusion you could draw from what I said.

LLOYD: Then, what is the conclusion?

RYAN: Michelle is not the girl of my dreams. I like her a lot, but I realize now that she is not the one.

LLOYD: Then who is?

RYAN: Sarah. That’s the girl Brandon is dating.

DEAN: What’s wrong with Michelle?

LLOYD: I will ask the questions here. What’s wrong with Michelle?

RYAN: Michelle’s great, she is, but she is not willing to accept me for who I am.

LLOYD: Does she reject your personality, your sense of humor or the way you look or dress or something?

RYAN: No, she loves my personality for the most part and my sense of humor, and she’s an emo like I am, but she wants to curb my problems.

LLOYD: Sounds like that’s something you should want. What are your problems?

RYAN: I told them to you. Grades, drugs, a bad relationship with my father, my selfishness and my cynicism.

LLOYD: You didn’t mention those last three.

RYAN: Well I also didn’t mention that I have eczema on my heel, but I guess I should just tell you everything!

LLOYD: Listen Ryan, it sounds like she wants to make you a better person, which is something that you should want.

RYAN: Yeah, but she shouldn’t boss me around.

LLOYD: She can’t force you to do anything, she’s just encouraging you. Why do you have a problem with that?

RYAN: …I don’t know.

LLOYD: So, this Sarah girl, do you really like her or are you just bored with Michelle?

RYAN: …I don’t know.


DEAN: We’re not getting anywhere, we should go.

RYAN: What?

(Cut to Ethan holding a Gold Rush era pan and walking up to a door. He rings the doorbell. After a few seconds, Ellen Alexander opens the door)

ELLEN: Oh, hi Ethan.

ETHAN: Hello, Ellen. What a great day to make money, huh?

ELLEN: I guess…the networks are making a lot of money with these 9/11 tributes on TV.

ETHAN: Yes. Now, I have started a business called “Ethan for Gold”. Trade in any of your spare gold lying around in exchange for spending time with me.

ELLEN: We give you gold so you’ll hang out with us?

ETHAN: That’s correct.

ELLEN: We haven’t spoken in two months.

ETHAN: So there’s no better time to get in on this shizness. What do you say?

ELLEN: I say-

(Evan walks over)

EVAN: Hell yes! I love company.

ELLEN: Oh, God.

EVAN: I’ll go get our gold.

(Evan walks away, leaving Ethan and Ellen awkwardly standing there. Ten seconds passes)

ELLEN: are your kids?

ETHAN: They’re well.

ELLEN: Good, good.

(They wait for another ten seconds)

ETHAN: Hot enough for ya?

ELLEN: How about them Red Sox? JESUS, EVAN, GET BACK HERE!

(Evan comes back with two massive gold bars earrings)


EVAN: I know! These ear rings are huge. We got them from a garage sale, apparently they ripped some woman’s head in half.

ETHAN: Jesus Christ.

EVAN: So now you have to hang out with us.


(Ethan walks into their house. Cut to Rob in his new office, wearing a postal uniform)

ROB: This is pretty sweet. I have a desk. I haven’t had a desk since 1989 and that’s when I was repeating the fourth grade.

(Pan out to see a postal worker is sitting in a seat in front of Rob’s desk)

POSTAL WORKER: Didn’t you have a desk from 5th grade to 12th grade?

ROB: No, I kept drawing vaginas all over it, so they made me sit on the ground.

POSTAL WORKER: Wow, that’s really sad.

ROB: Not as sad as this. You are fired.


ROB: Sorry, but we have to make cutbacks here. The postal service is dying. So, the best thing to do is delay its inevitable demise by destroying people’s livelihoods instead of reforming our operations. Sorry Charlie, but thems the brakes.


ROB: Well, you are getting two weeks’ severance.

POSTAL WORKER: FUCK YOU! YOU and everyone here are going to pay for this!

ROB: Would you like to work at the “Guns, Alcohol and Suicide Note Emporium, Warehouse and Casino”?

(The postal worker gets up and storms out, leaving Rob frightened. Cut to Ryan and Dean walking back into Hot Topic. Michelle gets up and walks over to the two of them)

MICHELLE: Hey guys. Are they going to stop shipping us the shirts?

RYAN: Yes. Pronto-like. But, they’re waiting at a tension for another musician to go to jail.

MICHELLE: You mean like Mallart Bond?

(Michelle points to her laptop on the counter to show a CNN article showing Mallart Bond’s mug shot, and he looks intoxicated and disheveled)

RYAN: Oh, god damnit.

MICHELLE: He was injecting ecstasy into his penile glands.

DEAN: How does someone do that?

MICHELLE: He found a way. Anyway, Dean, can I speak to Ryan in private?

DEAN: Sure.

(Dean walks away, but then three teens walk in)

TEEN: Hey, where are the super skinny fit ultra-denim Avenged Sevenfold bracelets?

MICHELLE: Those are over there.

TEEN: You didn’t point anywhere.

(Michelle walks Ryan to the back room)

RYAN: What?

MICHELLE: Corporate found out about us.

RYAN: The people down in Industry, California?


RYAN: How?

MICHELLE: I Facebook friended Gene.

RYAN: Why would you do that, Michelle?

MICHELLE: In my defense, he also follows me on Twitter, he pinned me on Pinterest and he follows me on Sparrow.

RYAN: What is Sparrow?

MICHELLE: It’s the name of me street, I sometimes see him standing outside my house eating a sandwich.

RYAN: Oh my God. Wait, why does it matter that he knows about us if we’re broken up? We are broken up right?


RYAN: Then why are you telling me this?

MICHELLE: I don’t know, actually.

RYAN: Great. I’ll go back to work.

(Ryan walks away, leaving Michelle confused. Cut to Ethan sitting around a table with Evan and Ellen Alexander)

ETHAN: …So…Evan, how is the HOA going?

EVAN: Your wife’s the President of it, you should know, right?

ETHAN: Right, but you’re still on it right?

EVAN: No, they ousted me.

ETHAN: Oh. So you’re…

EVAN: Unemployed, that’s correct.

ETHAN: Got it...any luck with the job search?

EVAN: Not really, it’s a tough job market.

ETHAN: It is.

EVAN: But, I have enjoyed spending time with Ellen.

ETHAN: That’s good.

ELLEN: It’s been… (Deep sigh)…dandy.

EVAN: We’ve been cooking and watching True Blood and ordering pizzas and watching Glee.

ETHAN: That sounds…fun. I’m not really sure what those shows are, but that’s terrific.

(Scott walks in)

SCOTT: Hey mom, hey dad.

(Evan turns around and Scott sits at the bar)

EVAN: Hey kiddo, do you remember Mr. Donahue?

SCOTT: I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure.

EVAN: Oh, well this is Ethan Donahue. He’s Jacob and Ryan’s father.

SCOTT: Oh, okay.

(Scott walks over to Ethan and shakes Ethan’s hand. They both nod and Scott sits back down at the bar)

ELLEN: So Ethan, how is your line of work?

ETHAN: Um, actually, I quit last week.

EVAN: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! (Everything goes silent for a few seconds. Evan clears his throat) Um, by that I mean, that’s great, sometimes you gotta start fresh.

ETHAN: That could not possibly be what you meant.

EVAN: Are you kidding me? Leaving the HOA is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I get to swim in our pool out there a couple times a day, although usually not that often because it’s not heated. Plus, I get to talk to Scott every morning before he goes to school. What do we talk about Scotty boy?

SCOTT: You usually talk about what the HOA is doing wrong.

EVAN: Not-no, that’s…not entirely accurate.

SCOTT: That’s entirely accurate; you covered my mirror in newspaper clippings, strings and thumb tacks to prove the theory that the HOA is poisoning our ground water.

EVAN: That’s another fun thing about unemployment; you can research the internet’s vast database of conspiracy theories. Courtney Love faked the moon landing by murdering Vince Foster.

ETHAN: You’re confusing like three conspiracy theories there.

EVAN: I can dance now! I taught myself to dance using the home version of DDR.

(Evan gets up and starts “dancing” as if he’s on DDR. After ten seconds of doing that, he bows and sits down while Ethan is wondering what the hell just happened)

ETHAN: Well…I should go. Thanks for the gold.

EVAN: You won’t go.

ETHAN: I have to.

EVAN: You will stay right the fuck where you are.

ELLEN: Ethan, stay a while and hang out with Evan, preferably alone in your guys’ bedroom.

SCOTT: Mr. Donahue, can you be my dad? I would be willing to be adopted.

EVAN: Stay.

ETHAN: I should really go.

(Evan slams Ethan’s hand down and stands up)


ETHAN: OW! Evan, you’re hurting me! You’re hurting me!

(Ethan tries to go out the back door but Evan grabs his shoulder)


(Ethan turns around and punches Evan in the face, then opens the door and runs, leaving Evan on the floor with blood dripping from his nose. Cut to Rob smoking a cigarette by the post office counter. Greg walks over to him)

GREG: What the hell Rob? You can’t smoke in here.

ROB: Sorry, I’m just nervous that the guy I fired earlier is going to come here and shoot everyone. He said we’d “all pay” for what we did.

GREG: Rob, we WANT him to do that. It’s the only way to reduce the workforce without paying severance, capiche?

ROB: You’re a sick fuck. What if he comes in here and shoots you?

GREG: …Shiatsu.

(Greg jumps out a window)

ROB: Wow, that was an overreaction. I QUIT!

GREG: (Offscreen, clearly in pain) Yep.

(Rob puts out his cigarette and leaves. Cut to Rob talking to Kimberly in the kitchen)

ROB: So then I said “I quit” and I left.

KIMBERLY: Why do you always make up stories to brag about?

ROB: No, this was true! I swear!

(Ryan walks in)

RYAN: Hey guys.

ROB: Hey Ryan.

RYAN: Hey. Um…I’m going to be in my room…until 7:30 tomorrow.

KIMBERLY: Did Michelle break up with you?

RYAN: Yep.

KIMBERLY: God speed.

RYAN: Yep.

(Ryan walks away. Ethan walks in)

ETHAN: Jesus Christ, I need a job.

KIMBERLY: You’ve only been unemployed for four days.

ETHAN: Well, (Ethan takes out four gold bars and puts them on the counter) I am sick of it. Sell these and we can make it through Fall.

(Ethan opens up his laptop. Jacob and Madeline come in. Madeline has a backpack on)

JACOB: Look who I found in the driveway!

MADELINE: Hey guys! I thought I’d make a surprise visit.

KIMBERLY: Madeline!

(Ethan turns around)

ETHAN: Madeline!

(They go over there and hug her for a few seconds. Ryan comes in)

RYAN: Hey, I need to cut a steak, does anybody know where the-hey Maddie!

(Ryan walks over and hugs Madeline for a few seconds)

ETHAN: How’s college, kiddo?

MADELINE: Great. I’ve made some new friends, I’ve caught up with some old. Plus, it’s preparing me to get a job one day.

(Ethan, Ryan and Rob say the following three lines in unison)

ETHAN: Exactly!



(Madeline is visibly confused. Several seconds later, Mayor Sarandon uses his shoe to break the window and let himself in. He is holding a cake that the numbers “5” and “1” as candles. Ethan, Kimberly, Ryan, Madeline and Rob stare at him standing there)

MAYOR SARANDON: Happy Birthday to me!

(Fade to black)



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