“Because each name that hangs there is just a piece of me, each so carefully hung there on my stately Family Tree”
- Carolyn Ford Witt
(We start with Ryan in bed. His alarm clock reads “6:20 AM FRI SEP 21 2012”. Pan to Rob on his computer on the other side of the room. He opens up “World of Warcraft” and the startup noise plays, causing Ryan to wake up)
RYAN:W-what…what’s going on?
ROB: That noise means it’s time to wake up, bro.
RYAN: Fuck…it’s ten minutes until I need to wake up though…
ROB: Well, unless you want to stare at the ceiling listening to me make mega-kills on WoW for ten minutes, I suggest you get up. You know they call me the Tyler Perry of World of Warcraft.
RYAN: That’s…just sad. It’s sad enough that you play WoW, but out of all the directors you could’ve chosen-
ROB: Shut up dude, I’m trying to kill Krosis.
RYAN: That’s Sky Rim.
ROB: Yeah, I switched to Sky Rim while you were talking.
RYAN: Well that’s better I guess-
ROB: No shit it’s better, watch me kill this Chronozon.
RYAN: How are you on RuneScape now?
ROB: I have ADD.
RYAN: Yeah, just like every lazy kid in America.
ROB: That’s right, self-diagnosed. Now watch me own on Minecraft.
RYAN: Pick a game!
(Cut to Kimberly brewing coffee in the kitchen. She sees a step stool nearby. She uses her foot to slide it nearer to her and in front of the fridge. She then steps on it and looks to the top of the fridge to see the video evidence of Ethan’s marital infraction. Ethan comes in)
(Kimberly shrieks, and then gets down off the stool)
KIMBERLY: You scared me.
ETHAN: Sorry. What’s up there?
KIMBERLY: Nothing, just a jungle bunny.
KIMBERLY: There’s a jungle bunny up there, I’ll get the duster and get it out of there.
ETHAN: …I think you mean dust bunny.
KIMBERLY: Why? What does jungle bunny mean?
ETHAN: It’s a racial slur.
KIMBERLY: Damnit, that’s why that black family fired me as their maid.
ETHAN: When were you a maid?
KIMBERLY: Like, twenty-four years ago.
ETHAN: Ah. (Ethan reaches into the cabinet and grabs a box of oatmeal) Is everything alright?
KIMBERLY: Yeah, everything’s fine.
(Ethan turns to Kimberly)
ETHAN: It’s just that, you looked kind of preoccupied when we watched that detective show last night.
ETHAN: And when we read “Curious George” to Rob.
KIMBERLY: Well, he is 34.
ETHAN: That’s what I was saying! But that still doesn’t explain the detective show thing, or the fact that you seemed so upset when we tore down Ryan’s “Invader Zim” poster.
KIMBERLY: Well…it was his poster, and we betrayed his trust.
ETHAN: That show is weird. It was cancelled like ten years ago and that alien gives me nightmares.
KIMBERLY: I know, I know.
ETHAN: Kimmy, you don’t have to tell me now, but I’m going to find out what’s wrong. Okay?
KIMBERLY: Alright then, Ethan.
(Ryan comes in, fully dressed with his hair straightened)
RYAN: Good morning.
ETHAN: Morning, Ryan.
RYAN: I want that poster back, by the way.
ETHAN: Oh my God, are you still harping on that poster, Ryan? You’re just like the Muslims; you’ll get upset about every little thing.
RYAN: I’m not going to riot in Tahrir square, but I do want you to put it back up.
(Jacob comes in)
JACOB: Good morning, all.
ETHAN: Morning, Jacob.
KIMBERLY: Good morning, Jacob.
JACOB: Alright. It’s time to go to the daily grind!
ETHAN: Please don’t say that.
JACOB: By the way, I’m going out tonight and it’s going to be exhilarating.
KIMBERLY: You’re not going out tonight, we told Norman you’d babysit Jeff Sanford while Norman goes to an investor’s ski trip/dinner/happy hour/toastmasters.
JACOB: What? Why wasn’t I told?
KIMBERLY: I just told you.
JACOB: But Ross, Beckett and I were going to…study the bible…at a TEA Party meeting...praise Jesus.
ETHAN: Nice try. But you we promised Norman you’d babysit. Cancel your plans with the creepy kid and the…tall kid.
JACOB: Did you replace the word “black” with “tall” to be politically correct?
ETHAN: I’m a conservative; I’m too much of a victim to be politically correct.
KIMBERLY: Do you want coffee?
ETHAN: Sure. I take mine tall. (Kimberly starts brewing coffee for Ethan) You’re going to babysit Jeff Sanford and you’re going to like it.
JACOB: How on Earth can you regulate that?
ETHAN: I will inject you with dopamine if I have to make you enjoy it.
JACOB: Yes please.
RYAN: I’ll take that as well.
ETHAN: I have to go to work.
RYAN: Wait, you’re working now? Where?
ETHAN: It’s a temporary job. I’m assisting the Coast Guard in operating the Burlington Breakwater lighthouses on Lake Champlain. It’s like fifteen minutes from here.
RYAN: Wow. That is not a typical temp job.
JACOB: Why would they need you during the daytime?
ETHAN: They’re training me today, and I’m supposed to come back during the night for my first session. It’s pretty exciting.
KIMBERLY: Sounds that way.
JACOB: What did the smoker say to Hugh Laurie?
JACOB: Do you got a light, House?
ETHAN: Wow, I’m leaving.
(Ethan grabs his coat, kisses Kimberly on the cheek and leaves. Kimberly then walks out of the room, leaving Jacob and Ryan standing in the kitchen)
JACOB: Hey, Ryan, we haven’t really talked for like…a month and a half, so I just wanted to say that I’m sorry-
RYAN: Save it, Jacob. For Christ’s sake. Sometimes family members drift away from other family members due to irreconcilable differences. They don’t talk for years, even decades. They eventually forget what formed their grudge and they reconnect. Let’s just let nature take its course.
JACOB: Ryan, I don’t want to wait years or decades to talk to you again. Yes, we’re very different people. But we’re brothers.
RYAN: Well, so were Uday and Qusay Hussein and look what happened to them.
JACOB: Ryan, I’m sorry for going after Brennan like that. I know he’s important to you in a really weird queerosexual way.
RYAN: That’s not the term, listen, I have to leave for school.
(Ryan grabs his backpack and keys and leaves. Cut to Kimberly in her bedroom on her laptop. Rob comes in)
ROB: What are you doing?
KIMBERLY: I was watching the video that caused all those Muslims in Egypt to go crazy, but then I got distracted by “Call Me Maybe” parody videos.
ROB: Great. Listen, can I talk to you?
KIMBERLY: Sure. You can talk at me, I just can’t guarantee I will be listening due to the alluring glow of this computer screen.
ROB: It’s really important.
KIMBERLY: Fine. (Kimberly closes the laptop and moves it off to the side) What’s going on?
ROB: Remember like three weeks ago when Ethan was in Tampa?
ROB: Well, I woke up at around noon to see Detective Zimmerman leaving the house while putting his clothes on that day.
ROB: It’s not only possible, but it happened.
KIMBERLY: Rob, (She gets up and walks over to him) I guarantee you that we were not doing anything that would constitute infidelity. He was sprayed by a skunk, so he had to take a bath, because his bath was…burned down by…witches. Gnarly-nosed witches with bath-burning glitter and sequence. His house was built on an Indian burial ground and the Japanese boy from the Grudge kept appearing in his mirrors.
ROB: Okay, how about I take all of those valid excuses to Ethan?
KIMBERLY: How about I save you some time and punch you in the mouth?
ROB: I don’t think that would save me any time.
KIMBERLY: Don’t tell Ethan.
ROB: Either I tell him or you do.
KIMBERLY: …Jesus Christ…fine, I’ll tell Ethan. Just for the record, Ethan has not been faithful himself and I was angry.
ROB: Okay then, Kimmy. (Rob touches her chin) You’ll always have me.
(Rob leaves the room, leaving Kimberly worrisome. Cut to Ryan and Brennan sitting next to each other in History class working on a paper)
BRENNAN: I never understood what the big deal was with taxing tea in the colonies. Tea sucks, it tastes like colored water.
RYAN: Sweet tea is where it’s at. America took that pussy tea from Britain and made it really high in sugar. Kind of like how we took those pussy Beatles and made them really high.
MR. HARKINS: Hey! Goth kids! Zip your talk holes! Nobody wants to hear about your favorite goth bands.
RYAN: We were talking about the Beatles.
MR. HARKINS: I don’t care what Goth band it is! Back to work.
RYAN: (Whispering) Hey, want to come over after school?
BRENNAN: (Whispering) Sure.
RYAN: (Whispering) Cool.
(Cut to Ethan next to a Coast Guard Lighthouse operator in the light room of a lighthouse during the day)
COAST GUARD GUY: Hi, I’m Dylan Sharp.
ETHAN: Nice to make your acquaintance, Dylan.
DYLAN: Hey, I’m not your friend.
ETHAN: I didn’t say you were-
DYLAN: Listen Ethan, what’s your name again?
DYLAN: Listen Ester, this is a lighthouse. It’s not just some bullshit metaphorical figure like in novels, it is a Coast Guard operated tower utilized to make sure ships know where they’re going. It is an honor and privilege to operate this penis-shaped obsolete piece of shit.
ETHAN: That doesn’t sound like an honor. (Dylan slaps Ethan) OW! What the hell?
DYLAN: It is an honor!
ETHAN: You called it a penis-shaped obsolete piece of shit!
DYLAN: What? So penises are bad now? Want to see mine?
ETHAN: No, I don’t.
DYLAN: Seriously, you want to see mine? I get awful lonely up here in the lighthouse. It’s why I hired you actually.
ETHAN: I don’t want to see your penis.
DYLAN: Fine! I’ll go out and buy a hooker like I usually do.
ETHAN: Did you only hire me so someone could keep you company?
DYLAN: That was part of it, but really I just want you to operate the lighthouse when I’m out at brothels.
ETHAN: I thought only Coast Guard members could operate the lighthouse.
DYLAN: Yeah, and I thought prostitution wasn’t legal in the United States! But I guess we’re all law abiding citizens all of a sudden! You like lacrosse?
ETHAN: Wow, that was a huge change of topic.
DYLAN: I’m going to play lacrosse with some friends and then I’m going to see the hookers.
ETHAN: I thought you said you were lonely.
(Dylan picks up a lacrosse stick)
DYLAN: I am. I’m playing lacrosse with the prostitutes.
ETHAN: Okay then.
DYLAN: Be here at 7PM to operate the lighthouse.
ETHAN: Shouldn’t you train me on how to operate it?
DYLAN: You’ll figure it out.
(Dylan slaps Ethan once more. Cut to Kimberly on the couch, chewing her nails watching Hansbay Local News with Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury)
PATRICK WHITE: As the Egyptian people struggle to take a joke, Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is receiving heat for comments he made at a fundraiser which were secretly caught on audio. The former Massachusetts Governor said 47% of people will vote for Obama because they are dependent on the Government and have no responsibility and the Obama team is using these comments to make Romney appear out of touch and having a low opinion of half the country. This reporter would like to make clear that he does not think lowly of his poor employees. As long as they keep getting me coffee. And scones. And bear claws. I have a sweet tooth, okay? (Patrick picks up his cell phone) Margaret, NOT NOW!
(He puts the phone down)
FIONA: That phone isn’t on.
PATRICK WHITE: The Romney team clarified that the Governor does not have a low opinion of half the country, he just thinks “a little posture wouldn’t hurt”. He also mentioned it would be easier to be elected if he was Latino, which gave every person over 65 an aneurism. Except Mitt Romney.
(Ethan comes in and Kimberly stands up)
KIMBERLY: I didn’t think you were getting back until later.
ETHAN: It turns out he’s too much of a womanizer to train me properly. But I’ll go back to the lighthouse at 6:30.
KIMBERLY: Oh, okay. Listen. (She turns off the TV) Ethan, we need to talk.
(Ethan and Kimberly sit down on the couch and face each other)
(Rob comes in)
ETHAN: Did he break another vase?
ROB: Actually, I did.
KIMBERLY: Jesus. Here, (Kimberly takes her wallet out of her purse and takes out a hundred dollar bill and gives it to Rob) Go buy a new vase and maybe some other stuff for yourself.
ROB: Thanks! I’m gonna buy a million stuff!
(Rob skips out of the house)
ETHAN: He’s 34.
KIMBERLY: I know. Listen.
ETHAN: What’s going on?
KIMBERLY: …Remember three weeks ago when you were in Tampa?
KIMBERLY: Well, Detective Zimmerman came by and showed me a tape of you, your boss and someone else going in a hotel room with a bunch of prostitutes about four months ago when you went to the Cayman Islands.
ETHAN: Oh, Kimberly, it’s not what you think-
KIMBERLY: Let me finish. I was in a vengeful mood when I saw these tapes, so I made a rash decision and had sex with Detective Zimmerman.
KIMBERLY: Ethan, I’m sorry.
ETHAN: YOU FUCKED ZIMMERMAN?!
KIMBERLY: Ethan, you fucked those whores!
ETHAN: NO I DIDN’T! I just sat in the corner and masturbated while watching Brian and Tim fuck those whores!
ETHAN: Yeah! I did that to explicitly avoid adultery!
KIMBERLY: That’s still adultery Ethan!
ETHAN: Is watching porn adultery?
KIMBERLY: Watching LIVE porn is!
ETHAN: Kimmy, I regret having done what I did in the Caymans and once I got back from the Caymans I decided to reconnect with my Christian faith. However, what you did was WAY worse!
KIMBERLY: Oh my God…why is it every time you do something bad I do something equally as bad? Like when you got in trouble for corruption and Ryan pointed out how corrupt I was?
ETHAN: We’re both equally flawed people, Kimberly. (Kimberly take a deep breath) I think it’s best if you move out for a while so we can reflect on the status of our relationship.
KIMBERLY: Why don’t you move out? You could live in the light house!
ETHAN: I own this house and there are already too many homeless people in the light house.
(Kimberly scoffs and walks away. She goes into her room, pulls out a suitcase and starts packing her stuff while Ethan puts his head in his hands. Cut to Ryan on his computer in his room. Brennan walks in and Ryan turns to him)
RYAN: Hello! It’s a Friday night and we’re going to go on 4Chan to make fun of fat chicks.
BRENNAN: As much as I like making others feel badly about themselves to elevate my self-esteem, I have a better idea.
RYAN: What’s that?
BRENNAN: I have pot.
RYAN: Pot? Where did you get I from?
BRENNAN: Well, I’m about to have pot, the dealer’s on his way.
RYAN: Who’s your dealer?
BRENNAN: He’s a stereotypical 1950s anti-drug propaganda film drug peddler.
(A kid walks in wearing 50s casual clothes and goes over to Brennan)
DEALER: Hey there kid, you want to smoke some drugs? It’ll make you feel reaaalll good.
BRENNAN: I told you over the phone that I did.
DEALER: Oh yeah. Give me the money kid. It’ll make you feel reaaall good.
BRENNAN: Giving you money will make me feel real good?
DEALER: No, the, drugs. Look, you owe me fifteen dollars.
(Brennan hands him the money)
(The dealer leaves)
RYAN: We don’t usually smoke pot-ijuana.
BRENNAN: Yeah, well E is really bad for you.
RYAN: That’s true, X is really bad for you.
BRENNAN: Can we just call it one or the other? Is it E or X?
RYAN: I’m leaning towards E…or maybe X.
BRENNAN: Let’s just smoke.
RYAN: Okay. But not in here. The attic. (The two of them go into Ryan’s closet and open up another door which leads into the attic. They both go in and shut the door. Brennan takes out a pipe, lights it, sucks in and exhales. He then hands the pipe to Ryan, who lights it, sucks in and then exhales and starts coughing) Shit…(coughing fit) how dank is this? (He keeps coughing) is this Northern Cambodian lights or some shit? (Cough)
BRENNAN: No, it’s northern Mediocrity lights, how long has it been since you’ve smoked?
RYAN: Like five months. (He gets a water bottle and takes a swig) Back during the tornado.
BRENNAN: Oh yeah, when that shitbat crazy kid got shot in the leg.
(Brennan takes a hit)
RYAN: I think it’s batshit crazy.
BRENNAN: That kid was crazier than a houseshit rat.
RYAN: Why do so many expressions about insanity involve escrement?
(Brennan hands Ryan the pipe)
BRENNAN: Just stop being owl shit crazy and take another hit.
(They laugh and Ryan takes another hit. Cut to Jacob at the front door of the Sanford household. He rings the doorbell and waits for a few seconds. Then, Norman comes to the door wearing a suit, skis and ski goggles)
NORMAN: I’m ready for my close-up!
JACOB: …I’m not sure how to comprehend what I’m seeing right now.
NORMAN: Thanks for looking after Jeffy for me. Make sure he doesn’t break anything.
JACOB: Just out of curiousity, why couldn’t Brennan do this?
NORMAN: Brennan told me had an investor’s meeting.
JACOB: He’s seventeen.
NORMAN: Trust me, I don’t want to know what he’s actually doing. Gotta go!
(Norman walks off. Jacob comes in and sees Jeff, who is eight sitting on the stairs on his iPad)
JACOB: Hey Jeff.
JEFF: Hey Jake.
JACOB: My name’s Jacob, Jeff.
JEFF: Hey, are you on Pinterest, Jake?
JACOB: No, I’m not actually sure what that is.
JEFF: Get on Pinterest, I’ll show you some of my pins.
JACOB: No, let’s just go to the living room.
(Jacob and Jeff go to the living room. There, Jacob sits down on the couch as does Jeff, who is still on his iPad)
JACOB: This is a big house.
JEFF: Yeah, I know. My dad’s really rich and someday I’ll be as rich as he is.
JACOB: With hard work, sure.
JEFF: Pff. Hard work? I’ll be born into wealth. He owns the third largest vending machine company in the Northeast.
JACOB: That’s impressive. So, what do you want to do?
JEFF: I was thinking that I could tumble about your stupid face right now.
JACOB: I beg your pardon?
(Jeff takes a picture of Jacob and then presses a few buttons)
JEFF: I just twittered, tumbled, stumbled, facbooked and pinned your stupid face. How does that feel, stupid face?
JACOB: Why do you have an iPad? You don’t need it!
JEFF: Yes I do, my dad gave it to me for my birthday last month.
JACOB: Why? So you could get jelly stains all over it?
JEFF: Yeah! Which is why he bought me a new one two weeks later! Ooh, that was hard!
JACOB: Wow, that is not a good parenting technique.
JEFF: I’m Norman’s favorite! As opposed to that faggot Brennan.
JACOB: Can’t argue with that.
JEFF: Hey, are you on ChafR?
JACOB: Please don’t explain.
JEFF: It’s a social networking site where you complain about parts of your body that chafe.
JEFF: Yeah. Now I’m going to play Angry Wings.
JACOB: Do that. Do you want dinner?
JEFF: Yeah, there’s some frozen stuff in the freezer.
(Jacob gets up and goes to the kitchen. He walks through the kitchen when a picture on the counter catches his eye. He glimpses at it to see it’s a picture of a seven-year old Ryan, a seven-year old Brennan and an eight-year old Jacob inside of a pillow fort. Jacob looks at this and smiles. He flips it over to see the words “LABOR DAY, SEPTEMBER 2002”. He puts it down, takes two pans out of the cupboard and walks over to Jeff)
JEFF: Hey bitch, where ma suppa?
JACOB: I’m willing to ignore that if you do me a favor.
JEFF: Fine, what?
JACOB: Take these pans and clang them together so I can convince my brother that you’re a handful when I call him.
JEFF: No need, I have an app for that.
JACOB: Of course you do, you technology-raised little fucker.
(Jeff pulls it up and presses play. The noise is pots and pans clanging together. Jacob dials up Ryan. Cut to Ryan and Brennan in the attic, both clearly high. Brennan’s now wearing a wool beanie)
RYAN: Where did you get that beanie?
BRENNAN: I think if you smoke enough pot, it just kind of grows on your head.
(They both start laughing profusely and walk out of the attic. They both sit in computer chairs)
BRENNAN: What do we do now?
RYAN: I don’t know. (Ryan gets up and falls on the bed, laughing profusely) It just hit me like a fucking avalanche! I’m gonna need an air lift! (Continues laughing as he rolls over on the bed. Brennan then gets on the bed next to him, also laughing. The laughing dies down as they look at each other) How long have we known each other?
BRENNAN: About ten years.
RYAN: Wow. Remember when we were together?
BRENNAN: Of course.
RYAN: I remember being really happy when we were together. Happier with you than when I was with Michelle, Michael or Eric.
BRENNAN: Is that maybe because I was your first relationship?
RYAN: …Maybe. I don’t know, a relationship with a guy seemed better than no relationship at all. It was kind of my coming out festival.
BRENNAN: They threw a festival when you came out as bi?
RYAN: Yeah, face-painting, fried dough and everything.
(They both laugh profusely. Once the laughing dies down, they start making out. They remove their shirts and Brennan removes his beanie and they continue making out. Cut to Ethan watching television. He looks at his phone and sees it’s 6:20. Then, Kimberly calls him. He picks up)
KIMBERLY: (On the phone) Have you told them yet?
ETHAN: No. Ryan and Brennan are upstairs, Jacob’s babysitting and Madeline in Rhode Island. I’ll tell them when they’re all in the same room.
KIMBERLY: That’s probably a good idea. We don’t want Kimberly hearing over the internet or something.
ETHAN: Right. Well until Madeline comes down this weekend, what should we tell them?
KIMBERLY: Um…tell them I went to a farm somewhere.
ETHAN: We didn’t put you down, we just separated.
KIMBERLY: Fine. I went on an HOA retreat.
(Ethan hangs up. He then goes upstairs. Cut to Ryan and Brennan cuddling on his bed. Ryan’s phone goes off. Ryan checks it, to see it’s Jacob)
BRENNAN: Are you going to answer it?
RYAN: Ugh, I guess. I try not to talk to him since he actively participated in beating the shiatsu out of you, but was too much of a pussy to actually do it himself.
BRENNAN: Yeah, but he’s your brother.
RYAN: I said I’d answer it! (Ryan picks up) Hello?
JACOB: (On the phone, with pots and pans in the background and commotion generated by the iPad) Hey Ryan, can you help me babysit Jeff?! He’s been a real handful! Hear all this noise! So much commotion going on over here. JEFF! DON’T BURY THAT FROG, IT’S NOT DEAD YET! Sorry, he’s a crazy kid. Can you come over here and give me a hand?
RYAN: No, fucking-
(Ethan knocks on the door)
RYAN: I’ll be right over!
(Ryan hangs up as Brennan gets his pants and shirt on, Ryan hastily does the same. Ethan knocks twice more)
ETHAN: Ryan? Brennan?
(Ryan goes over to the door and opens it, revealing Ethan)
RYAN: Hey dad, I love you.
ETHAN: Hey what are you guys-uh…okay, I love you too-why would you just-listen, what are you guys doing?
RYAN: Nothing, we were just anime, emo bands and…tight clothing?
ETHAN: Okay, you’re being secretive. Listen, I just wanted to tell you I’m going to operate the lighthouse.
RYAN: Oh, thank God. We’ll be here.
ETHAN: Also, go help Jacob out with babysitting Jeff, he just texted me that he’s overwhelmed.
RYAN: What? Why? Brennan can go!
ETHAN: Norman texted me that Brennan needs to go to his shindig so someone can coach him on how to balance an egg on a spoon while limboing.
RYAN: You’re kidding.
ETHAN: Nope. Anyway, I’m leaving.
(Ethan leaves. Ryan and Brennan go back into Ryan’s room)
RYAN: This sucks!
BRENNAN: I know! Ugh, I hate my dad’s stupid teambuilding exercises! Anyway, good luck with my brother.
(Brennan pats him on the shoulder and leaves. Cut to Ryan walking into Brennan’s house. Jacob walks up to him)
RYAN: It doesn’t seem that chaotic in here.
JACOB: I know, it isn’t, but I needed to talk to you.
RYAN: You made me come here under false pretenses?
JACOB: Yeah, if you want to sound like a faggot about it-okay, that’s probably not the best way to begin this interaction.
JACOB: But I feel really bed for what I did. And I feel like I could make it right.
RYAN: You conspired with my enemies to beat up my friend. My BEST friend. I don’t know if you remember, but he was your friend too at one point, like ten years ago.
JACOB: Yeah, I do remember. (Jacob holds up the photo from earlier) That was us. And while I was trying to look for a hobby, I ran into the wrong people and got involved in the wrong thing and I forgot about this.
RYAN: You think you can get my sentimentality in a dander with some photo from 2002? You don’t understand me at all. Two years ago when I went emo and finally got a group of my own friends, your friends thought my group and I were a bunch of faggots, and being the goddamn little sheep you are, you followed along with that mantra. You go around school with your friends like half of them aren’t fake! You were embarrassed to be seen around me! You abandon all of your convictions so you can seem cool, but you forgot that I was the one that made you realize that your crippling insecurity prevents you from having many actual friends! Remember? Only Ross!
JACOB: Well, YOU ruined a relationship with a PERFECTLY NICE GIRL BECAUSE SHE WANTED YOU TO LET GO OF YOUR PRECIOUS DRUGS AND BECOME A BETTER PERSON! I may be insecure but I’m not a whiny little BITCH who refuses to even try to solve any of his problems, EVER!
(Ryan lunges at Jacob in anger and the two crash to the floor. Jacob punches Ryan in the face and Ryan punches Jacob in the face. Then, Jacob puts Ryan in a chokehold and Ryan scratches Jacob’s cheeks, causing Jacob to howl in pain and let go. Then, Ryan wraps Jacob’s arms and legs, but Jacob kicks him. Jacob puts Ryan up against the wall and punches him twice, but Ryan pushes Jacob, sending Jacob to the ground. Ryan then punches Jacob several times before Jacob grabs him by the arm and pulls him toward himself and then head butts him. Ryan then goes upright and holds his head in pain as Jacob tackles his torso and punches him twice in the stomach. Ryan then punches Jacob in the face, but Jacob punches Ryan in the face, and then Ryan pins Jacob on the floor and punches him in the face once, then again and almost does it a third time before Jeff hits him on the side of the head with his iPad, sending Ryan falling to the floor. Jacob then gets up and dusts himself off while Jeff stands there with his iPad’s screen broken)
JACOB: Holy shit. (Jacob and Jeff high-five) You broke your iPad to defend me.
JEFF: Yep. My dad will just get a new one anyway.
JACOB: Yeah. Ryan, buddy, are you alright?
(Pan to Ryan, who is bloodied, bruised and passed out)
JEFF: I think he’s passed out.
(Cut to later. Ryan is lying on the couch, passed out wearing numerous bandages and a Mountain Dew and an empty plate on the table next to him. Pan to Jacob and Jeff. Jacob is on his laptop. He presses a button and a song by Devil’s Niece called “Perforate the Edges”. He wakes up slowly, looks over and sees the Mountain Dew and the empty plate. He sits up)
RYAN: Did I…win?
JACOB: No, Ryan. You lost. You lost to Steve Jobs. (Jeff holds up his broken iPad) But look, your favorite meal.
RYAN: Mountain Dew and an empty plate, because I don’t eat in front of people because it’s weird!
(Jacob turns the laptop around to reveal Madeline on Skype)
MADELINE: It’s weird!
RYAN: (Chuckles) Hi Maddie!
MADELINE: Hi Ryan! I heard Jacob kicked your ass.
RYAN: No, Jeff kicked my ass.
MADELINE: That’s worse.
RYAN: I know.
MADELINE: He’s eight!
RYAN: I said I know.
JACOB: Okay, well Ryan will be fine. He has his favorite meal and his favorite song!
RYAN: This is a good song.
(Cameron comes on the Skype screen with a blunt)
CAMERON: This song sucks, dude!
JEFF: You know, the cyber police will arrest you for smoking bong like that.
JACOB: Okay, that’s enough Skype. Say goodbye to Maddie and her stoner boyfriend.
MADELINE: He’s not my boy-
RYAN: Thanks, Jacob. For the dinner and stuff.
JACOB: You’re welcome. I’m surprised you’re so forgiving Jeff and I beat the shit out of you.
RYAN: Well, I guess I can’t be angry because, you’re right. I do have a lot of problems that I’m unwilling to address, and as long as I don’t do that, I won’t improve as a person. But for the record, what you did to Brennan was awful.
JACOB: I know. And I will spend as much time as is required making it up to you. But I don’t want to lose my brother because of some stupid thing I did. And I certainly don’t want to lose my brother to drugs.
RYAN: …I drove here high.
(Cut to Ethan in the lighthouse at night. The light is on and he sees a ship. He points the light in the direction the ship is going, and the ship goes increasingly off into the distance. He then stands there looking out into the sea as the camera zooms out to reveal Lake Champlain. Cut to Kimberly at a hotel reception desk with luggage in hand)
KIMBERLY: Hi, I’d like a room here, please.
RECEPTIONIST: Absolutely. What is your name?
KIMBERLY: My name is Kelsey Daniels.
RECEPTIONIST: Okay, and who are you meeting here so you can fuck around behind your husband’s back?
KIMBERLY: Excuse me?
RECEPTIONIST: All of your bags are marked “Property of Kimberly Jordan Donahue”.
KIMBERLY: (Sighs) I’m separated. Now just give me my room.
RECEPTIONIST: It’s 120 dollars a night and you’ll have room 12B.
(The receptionists hands her the key card)
KIMBERLY: Do you have a business center?
KIMBERLY: Great, because it’s not like I have a laptop!
(Kimberly walks away)
RECEPTIONIST: You asked!
(Cut to Ryan, Jacob and Jeff sitting in the living room of the Sanford household)
JEFF: So…my iPad’s broken. What do we do now?
JACOB: Well, you know what Ryan, your brother and I used to do?
JACOB: We would make pillow forts.
JEFF: Is that some sort of app, or game, or…app?
RYAN: Already said that.
JACOB: No, it’s where you get chairs and pillows and blankets and you make a fort out of them. Then maybe you friend makes a fort and then you throw smaller pillows at the fort, trying to knock some of the blankets down.
JEFF: …Wow. That actually sounds kind of fun.
RYAN: It is.
JEFF: Let’s do it.
(Ryan, Jacob and Jeff go into Norman’s bedroom and start collecting pillows and blankets, and then Ryan leaves and comes back with a bunch of chairs from the dining room, and they starts building two forts out of them. Cut to Ethan walking through the door early in the morning. Rob comes in right after him)
ROB: Hey, Ethan.
(Ethan turns around)
ETHAN: Oh. Hi, Rob. Where did you come from?
ROB: I got home from the lake. Caught about forty bass. Eighty-seven bass in dog years.
ETHAN: Rob, where were you really?
ROB: When Kimberly sent me to the vase store, I got confused, scared and lost and didn’t find my way back until now.
ETHAN: Jesus. Listen, I have to tell you something. Your sister and I are separating.
ETHAN: Yeah. We’re separating.
ROB: But I don’t want you to go! What about Christmas! I don’t want two Christmases, I want one Christmas!
ETHAN: First of all, I’m not your father, second of all, we’re not getting a divorce, we’re just separated.
ROB: But I don’t want a new dog, I want MY dog!
ETHAN: You’re confusing family tragedies now. Listen Rob, it’ll be okay. Your sister’s a big girl. And soon, I’ll tell my actual children, not the petulant man-child that currently lives with me.
ROB: Who’s that?
(Chinaberry comes over and barks at Ethan)
ROB: Yeah, he is childish. Well, I don’t know why you and my sister are having problems, but I know why you and my sister are having problems.
ROB: I saw Detective Zimmerman leave the house will putting his clothes on while you were in Tampa and this morning I told her I would tell you if she didn’t.
(Ethan pauses for a moment, but then puts his hand on Rob’s shoulder. He pats it, and then goes into his room. Rob smiles. Cut to Jacob and Jeff in one pillow fort, throwing pillows at Ryan in another pillow fort, who is also throwing pillows at them)
RYAN: This is not a fair fight!
JEFF: Should we throw knives? You’d probably be more accustomed to the sensation!
(Jacob, Jeff and Ryan laugh as they continue to pelt each other with pillows, dodging some and peeking up above the blankets. Then, Norman and Brennan come in)
NORMAN: HOW THE HELL DID YOU BREAK ANOTHER IPAD?!
(Jacob and Ryan freeze up as Jeff comes up above the blanket)
JEFF: I don’t need it anymore, dad. I have this!
(Jeff continues to throw pillows as Jacob and Ryan relax and also start throwing them. Norman smiles and goes over to Jeff’s pillow fort)
NORMAN: Need some help, Jeffy?
JEFF: Yeah, dad!
RYAN: I’m the one outnumbered, why would you help them?
NORMAN: Because I’m pretty sure I banned you from this house like four months ago.
RYAN: Fair enough. Brennan, help me out!
(Norman starts pelting Ryan with pillows and Brennan goes under the fort to help Ryan out. Then cut to a wide view shot of the lighthouse as the sun rises over Lake Champlain. Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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