“Most people live lives of quiet inspiration and pass through life in silent desperation”
(We start with Ryan, Jacob, Ethan, Kimberly and Madeline sitting around the dinner table, eating food. Except for Ryan and Madeline)
MADELINE: So then I went to this the dentist and it hurt really badly.
RYAN: How many?
JACOB: Well, I think I’m done. These pork chops were good.
KIMBERLY: Thanks, Madeline made them.
JACOB: Then why’d you say thanks?
RYAN: Also, why are we all having dinner together? You know how rare this is in American society nowadays?
MADELINE: Yeah and why did you demand I come down here on a Sunday when I have tests tomorrow?
ETHAN: It’s just that, you don’t come down that often.
MADELINE: I came down like a week and a half ago and it’s a five hour drive from Warwick to here.
KIMBERLY: Listen, kids. We have something to tell you.
ETHAN: Perhaps we should go to the living room.
(They all get up and walk into the living room and sit down in a circle)
ETHAN: Kids, it has been discussed between your mother and I that your mother should move out temporarily.
KIMBERLY: We realize this is a shock, but your father and I have several problems we’ve been trying to work out.
MADELINE: You guys have been married for TWENTY years this October!
ETHAN: I realize that Maddie, but we decided it would be best for both of us and you guys if she had her own place.
JACOB: Why though? What’s the issue between you two?
ETHAN: …We can’t agree on…the decoration of the house.
RYAN: That’s not a reason!
KIMBERLY: Let’s just say we have differences.
(Rob comes in)
ROB: I know what they are!
RYAN: Why does he know?
ETHAN: That’s not important, what’s important is that you guys get used to this.
(Ryan starts crying, which makes Jacob and Madeline start crying)
KIMBERLY: Oh, guys. It’s going to be okay.
(Ethan walks over to Jacob and Madeline and starts hugging the two of them while Kimberly hugs Ryan. Cut to the following day at school. Ryan and Brennan are talking in the cafeteria)
BRENNAN: So, she moved out?
RYAN: Yeah. It’s a big thing, there’s a lot of moving pieces.
BRENNAN: Yeah…what does that mean exactly?
RYAN: Shut up, I’m in pain. Because it’s like, when you’re a kid, you always assume your parents were meant for each other. But then something like this happens.
BRENNAN: Well, if it makes you feel any better, my parents are divorced.
RYAN: That doesn’t make me any feel better. And my parents aren’t getting divorced, they’re just separating.
BRENNAN: Once you’re separate your marriage becomes inadequate. Trust the rhyme.
RYAN: That can’t be a real saying.
BRENNAN: It’s scripture.
(Brandon and Scott walk over)
BRANDON: Okay, wow.
(Brandon and Scott leave. Cut to Jacob, Beckett and Ross sitting at a table)
JACOB: My parents have been divorced for days, bro.
BECKETT: That sucks.
ROSS: Dude, I’m really sorry.
BECKETT: Yeah bro, that sucks.
(Ryan walks over)
RYAN: How are you holding up, Jacob?
JACOB: I’m fine, dude.
ROSS: Why did your parents get divorced?
RYAN: They aren’t, did Jacob say they were?
JACOB: (Defensive) No!
RYAN: Dude, are you exaggerating the story to get extra sympathy?
JACOB: No that’d be pathetic. (Awkward silence) My dog died.
(Cut to Ethan watching local news at home. Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury are on camera)
PATRICK WHITE: Breaking news, the Hansbay Police Department Missing Persons Division has recently found an entire sex slavery ring located under a run-of-the mill prostitution ring. Who would have thunk it?
FIONA CADBURY: As a result, the leading man in the investigation Detective George Zimmerman has been promoted to the head of the Hansbay Missing Persons Division. He had this to say at a press conference moments ago.
(Ethan sits up in anticipation. The screen cuts to Zimmerman, Mayor Sarandon and Sherriff Warren in front of a podium full of microphones outside city hall. Sandra Farmella is standing behind Zimmerman at the left side of the screen)
MAYOR SARANDON: I congratulate Detective Zimmerman for not only his keen skills of deduction, but his…(sniff) wonderful taste in women…(Covers his eyes, on the verge of tears) I’ve got to go.
(Mayor Sarandon leaves)
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I will lead this to department to greatness. Either that or I will lead it into decline, it depends on my leadership skills. What do you think about my leadership skills, Sandra?
SANDRA: They’re a lot better than Mayor Sarandon’s, I’ll tell you that.
(Zimmerman and Sandra start making out on camera and Mayor Sarandon breaks through the window and steps in with a bottle of jack in hand, to Ethan’s shock)
ETHAN: What the fuck are you doing?!
MAYOR SARANDON: That bald bastard stole my girlfriend! I want to punch him in the wrist!
ETHAN: He’s not bald, and who punches someone in the wrist?!
MAYOR SARANDON: That fat prick stole my beloved and he’s gonna pay!
ETHAN: Please stop breaking my windows!
MAYOR SARANDON: I know you don’t work for me anymore, but I want the two of us to beat him up! Beat him up real nice!
ETHAN: Well, he does seem to just take advantage of women who are already in relationships. Bald bastard.
MAYOR SARANDON: I told you, he’s a bald bastard!
ETHAN: He took advantage of Kimberly in her time of weakness and had sex with her.
MAYOR SARANDON: Wait…what?
ETHAN: Yeah. She had sex with Zimmerman. She was feeling vengeful against me because Zimmerman showed her that you, Tim and I bought prostitutes in the Caymans so she had sex with him. She told me a couple days back and now she’s moved out. That opportunistic cue balled bastard.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah! Let’s go beat up that hairless prick!
ETHAN: Let’s do it.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll drive.
ETHAN: Fuck no.
(They leave. Cut to reception at the Hansbay Police Department. The cop at reception stands up when he sees The Mayor and Ethan walk in)
COP: Mr. Mayor, I wasn’t expecting you.
MAYOR SARANDON: You never expect the Sarandon, son! I need to see Detective Zimmerman.
ETHAN: WE need to see Detective Zimmerman.
COP: Detective Zimmerman is not here, he went home with his girlfriend to…celebrate.
ETHAN: I see.
COP: They’re gonna fuck.
ETHAN: Got it.
COP: But if you really want to see him, I have a picture of him in my wallet.
MAYOR SARANDON: First of all, that’s not what we mean by “see” hm and secondly, why do you have a picture of him in your wallet?
ETHAN: What’s his address?
COP: I can call him.
BRIAN AND ETHAN: NO!
MAYOR SARANDON: Just the address.
COP: Okay. (Types some stuff into his computer) 1114 Oak Grove Drive, Hansbay, Vermont, United States.
(They leave. Cut to Brandon and Sarah sitting next to each other in AP GT English, talking)
BRANDON: So I read this study saying that the best way to start your morning is with a glass of bone marrow.
BRANDON: Yeah, it was either that or milk.
SARAH: Okay, that’s a huge difference.
(The teacher comes in)
TEACHER: Excuse me everyone, pay attention and quiet down. (Everybody quiets down) Kids, this is a GT AP class, but still, I expect everyone to have fun! You’re going to have to write a humorous essay about an appropriate topic of your choosing. (One of the kids raises his hands) Yes, Chandler?
CHANDLER: Um, is there a rubric to this?
TEACHER: Um, no it just has to be 2-3 pages in MLA format with a clear and humorous thesis statement and supporting details.
CHANDLER: That’s not enough rubric! I need to know what to do!
TEACHER: That’s the fun, it can be any appropriate topic, just run it by me first.
ANOTHER STUDENT: I need to get a good grade on this. My happiness for the next month depends on me getting a good grade on this. Do you understand, Ms. Pinicetti?
MS. PINICETTI: That’s…irrational, Paul. Listen, if you don’t get a good grade on this, it’ll be a learning curve to help you do better on the next essay.
CHANDLER: My dad will kick my ass if I don’t get a good grade on this, I NEED to get a good grade on this, if I don’t my value as a human being depletes!
PAUL: My parent’s love for me is conditioned on my grade in this class; do you realize what that means, Ms. Pinicetti? Do you realize what that means?
MS. PINICETTI: Stop asking me if I realize what that means! It means that your parents are terrible people! Guys, stressing out about this is not going to make your grade any better.
SOME GIRL: You need to provide a pathway so we can have a guaranteed A as long as we follow the rubric to the letter!
MS. PINICETTI: There is no rubric, Cassandra!
CASSANDRA: THERE’S ALWAYS A RUBRIC GODDAMNIT!
PAUL: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US TO DO?! TRY OUR HARDEST AND HOPE FOR THE BEST?!
MS. PINICETTI: Yes!!
BRANDON: Guys, I think you need to calm down.
CHANDLER: NO, YOU SHUT UP!
BRANDON: I didn’t say-
CHANDLER: I need a good grade in this class or my parents will not talk to me for weeks on end!
BRANDON: Then get better parents. Listen, I think you guys are missing the point of this class.
CASSANDRA: The point is, we do well OR DIE.
SARAH: I don’t think so, you do well because you try hard and you enjoy what you’re doing, and if you don’t do well, you get a bad grade.
PAUL: And then we die.
BRANDON: Years later. Probably of a blood clot considering the sedentary nature of us smart kids.
PAUL: Sports are stupid. But I need a good grade on this.
MS. PINICETTI: Everybody, cool it! You guys will have your rough drafts into me on Wednesday and I will pair you up in groups of four to let you guys revise each other’s papers. Got milk?
(Cut to a shot of Brattleboro Mental Institution in Brattleboro, Vermont. The Alpha channel at the bottom reads “BRATTLEBORO MENTAL FACILITY, BRATTLEBORO, VERMONT. Cut to Logan sitting in a patient’s room equipped with a bed and drawers and closet. He is visibly disheveled and anxious)
LOGAN: (Singing) Hush little Logan, don’t say a word. Papa’s gonna FUCK YOU OVER! GODDAMNIT!
(A psychiatrist comes in with a nurse at his side. The psychiatrist glances at his chart)
PSYCHIARIST: Logan DeMint?
LOGAN: What’s it to you?
PSYCHIATRIST: I’m your new psychiatrist, Logan. I’m Doctor Arnold Thompson.
LOGAN: What happened to my old psychiatrist?!
DOCTOR THOMPSON: He hung himself. He was a very troubled man.
LOGAN: What the fuck?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Can I sit?
LOGAN: You own this room, don’t you?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Of course not, you own this room, Logan. This is your place to talk about your issues in a completely judgment-free, confidential zone.
LOGAN: If I own this room, can I move out?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: No, the uh…housing market isn’t great, listen Logan, I read your chart and it says here you were first admitted here in April 2009 after your first girlfriend was hit by a train. You were only fourteen. But by April 2012 you showed significant improvement and you were released. But then you were only free for four months when you were placed here again after you were caught peeping on a 45-year old woman. So now it appears as though you’re still crazy.
LOGAN: Okay, am I crazy crazy ot “We just met and this is crazy crazy”?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: You’re crazy crazy.
LOGAN: Here’s my number-
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Stop. Okay? You are likely going to be here for a long time before we think you’re ready to be released into the general population again. Looking at your chart, it appears as though merely weeks after we released you, you knocked out the principal of your school.
LOGAN: What? How’d you know that?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Eyewitness testimony. Not from the Principal though, he doesn’t remember shit.
LOGAN: Thank God, but I didn’t do it!
DOCTOR THOMPSON: It’s kind of too late for that not guilty plea. Anyway, what do you, Logan, think you have improved on since you were released back in April?
LOGAN: Well, in May I engaged in my first romantic relationship since Alexandra.
DOCTOR THOMPSON: I see. Who with?
LOGAN: Sarah Blumenthal. She was the love of my life. Funny, smart, a great cook and she smelled like lilacs and antimony.
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Antimony? Like the toxic chemical element?
LOGAN: Exactly. But she left my ass just because I was dragged to a mental institution.
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Well, women having relationships with men in crazy houses rarely happens, this isn’t Lifetime for god’s sake.
LOGAN: Yeah, I guess not.
DOCTOR THOMPSON: According to your chart you joined a gang in July.
LOGAN: Yep. The Mostly Shirtless Gang, REPRESENT!
(Logan takes off his shirt)
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Please put your shirt back on.
LOGAN: I’ll “back-on” you to join the mostly shirtless gang!
DOCTOR THOMPSON: No, I was already in a gang. It was called the American Psychiatric Association and I remember losing one of my best friends.
LOGAN: I’m so sorry, how?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Heart disease. It was a rough and tumble lifestyle. Anyway, put your fucking shirt back on!
LOGAN: Fine! (Logan puts his shirt back on) Are you happy now?
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Of course I’m not happy, I’m a psychiatrist! Now I would suggest based purely on this experience alone that you still retain elements of mania and have an extremely limited understanding of social norms. However, I have not gotten indication that you are prone to impulsive fits of violence-
(Logan begins choking Doctor Thompson and he drops his clipboard)
LOGAN: YOU FUCKIN’ THINK I’M A MANIACAL SOCIAL RETARD YOU FUCKING CUNT?!
(The nurse whacks Logan on the head with a newspaper repeatedly but this hardly inhibits his fit of violence. Cut to George and Sandra walking in the door of his house)
GEORGE: Sandra, we are going to celebrate tonight!
SANDRA: You said it! I’m going to get the champagne glasses.
(Sandra goes over to the cupboard and grabs two champagne glasses. She closes the cupboards and puts the glasses on the table)
GEORGE: And I’ll get the champagne! (George kneels down to his liquor cabinet and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. He walks over to the glasses, pours a little in each and then puts the bottle down. They both raise their glasses) To all the little enslaved girls who are now free due to my tireless work!
(They clink their glasses and just as they’re about to drink, Ethan and Mayor Sarandon bust into his house and walk into the living room)
ETHAN: HEY ZIMMERMAN!
GEORGE: AH! Ethan? Mr. Mayor? To what do I owe the pleasure of having the Mayor of Hansbay, Vermont and the former Chief of Staff for the Mayor break into my house in a confrontational manner?
MAYOR SARANDON: FUCK YOU, ZIMMERMAN!
ETHAN: YOU FUCKED MY WIFE! AND NOW YOU’VE TOSSED HER BY LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT AND MOVED ONTO THIS SLUT!
MAYOR SARANDON: YEAH! Wait, Ethan, that’s my girlfriend!
ETHAN: Sorry, but, come on.
SANDRA: Brian, I am your EX-girlfriend. You are a disgusting alcoholic while George is a brave hero!
ETHAN: You guys are drinking Jack out of wine glasses.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sandra, I think we can work it out.
SANDRA: Never. You’re 28 years older than I am. You could be my father.
MAYOR SARANDON: I AM 29 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU!
SANDRA: So more than I thought.
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, technically.
ETHAN: SHUT UP, THE BOTH OF YOU! Zimmerman, you are a philandering, manipulative, opportunistic son of a bitch and you used a video of me to screw my wife while I was in Tampa! Do you think I’ll let you get away with this?!
GEORGE: Listen Ethan, I think you should have serious reservations about assaulting an officer of the law.
MAYOR SARANDON: I think you have a serious misunderstanding of what I am capable of covering up.
GEORGE: …YOU cheated on her, Ethan.
ETHAN: I didn’t. I masturbated to Brian and Tim having sex with a hooker.
ETHAN: I feel ashamed about it, obviously, but what you did to her was a much more serious breach of morals. So get off your high horse you cretin.
GEORGE: Fine. What are you waiting for? Come at me, bro!
GEORGE: Oh yeah, we’re like eighteen years apart. FIGHT ME! (Sandra backs away as Ethan lunges at George and punches him in the face. George then punches Ethan in the face and head butts him in the stomach. This sends Ethan to the floor. Zimmerman then punches him repeatedly in the face until Mayor Sarandon kicks him in the side of the head. However, George quickly recovers and pulls Sarandon’s leg, causing him to fall down. He then punches the Mayor repeatedly in the face. Then, Ethan punches George in the back of the head, but George turns around and starts choking Ethan. Cut to Sandra watching while drinking her Jack in a wine glass. She seems delighted. Then cut back to George punching both Ethan and the Mayor repeatedly. Finally, he stops) HAD ENOUGH?
MAYOR SARANDON: YES! FOR GOD’S SAKE, YES!
GEORGE: Great. Now leave.
(Ethan and Mayor Sarandon reluctantly get up and walk away, groaning while doing so. Ethan knocks over a vase as he leaves. Once they leave, Detective Zimmerman walks over to his filing cabinet. He opens it and removes a folder from it marked “PROOF OF ETHAN AND KIMBERLY’S CORRUPTION”)
GEORGE: What does it say on the label?
SANDRA: Poof of Evan and Kindling Choruses. Did you make Evan and some sticks disappear in song?
GEORGE: Sandra, this is proof of Ethan and Kimberly’s corruption. I know exactly who to fax this to.
(He begins laughing maniacally. Cut to Brandon, Sarah, Chandler and Cassandra sitting in a four-way cluster of desks in Ms. Pinicetti’s room. They all have papers)
BRANDON: Okay, does everyone have their papers?
SARAH: I do.
CHANDLER: I do too. But I’m probably going to fail.
BRANDON: That’s the spirit, now, let’s trade off and read each other’s papers and then we’ll level some constructive criticism at each other.
CASSANDRA: How do we know that’s what we’re supposed to do?
MS. PINICETTI: Okay, now trade off and read each other’s papers and then level some constructive criticism at each other.
BRANDON: There you go. Let’s get started.
(They trade off papers)
CHANDLER: You did your paper on how you’re double-jointed?
BRANDON: Yeah, let me show you.
SARAH: Brandon, please stop showing people.
CHANDLER: You’re going to get a terrible grade on this just for the topic.
BRANDON: I ran it by Ms. Pinicetti.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well it’s an unsafe topic, you should’ve played it safe.
(Brandon looks at Chandler’s paper)
BRANDON: You just wrote a four-page essay about how you’re terrified of getting below a 100. How is that a safe topic?
CHANDLER: I don’t know, it’s all I think about.
SARAH: Yeah, clearly.
CASSANDRA: Sarah, you wrote about how House Republicans had a hearing on women’s health with an all-male panel about seven months back?
SARAH: Yes. I originally was going to write about how adorable it is when emo kids dress up like Pikachu. (Sarah shrieks with joy) I mean, look at this picture of Ryan from last Halloween! (Sarah holds up a picture of Ryan in a Pikachu costume in Sarah’s house) But yeah, I decided to go in a more topical direction.
CHANDLER: Wow, first of all, that’s embarrassing for him and secondly, that is way too original. You have to think about what the teacher will expect, you can’t take any risks about getting a bad grade and making your parents despise every fiber of your being. Why are you still holding that picture up?
(Ryan walks into the classroom with an envelope)
RYAN: Ms. Pinicetti, this is an urgent message from Mrs. Burnham, (Ryan sees the picture) WHICH will just have to wait.
(Ryan runs out of the room as Sarah puts down the picture)
BRANDON: Hold on, earlier did you say Sarah’s paper is too original?
CHANDLER: YES! Way too original!
BRANDON: Isn’t originality a good thing?
CASSANDRA: NO! What don’t you understand about that?! RISK is not a virtue! It’s like you’re committing the English class equivalent of Hari Kari!
(Preston turns around in his seat)
PRESTON: I did my paper on Hari Kari. It’s a traditional Japanese dish like cat.
BRANDON: That’s not true, how are you already back to school after you almost killed everyone with that bowling ball?
PRESTON: I’m going to clear my name of those attempted murder and gross negligence charges.
SARAH: You are far too stupid to be in this class, but at least he’s taking a risk in his paper! Chandler, you need to reach up into your ass and pull out a set of balls, because one gym class they must’ve gotten snuggled up there.
CHANDLER: Well…I suppose a little risk wouldn’t hurt. But it definitely would.
SARAH: Those are two contradictory statements, but at least we’re on the right foot.
BRANDON: How about we invite Chandler and Cassandra to Sarah’s house and we can help our each other with our respective papers?
CHANDLER: No, I can’t go to other people’s houses thanks to a 98 I got in fifth grade, but you guys can come to mine!
BRANDON: Wow. Okay, great. We’ll do that.
(Cut to Logan in a small cell, sitting on a flimsy bed. Two guards outside the cell while Doctor Thompson stands outside the cell, looking at him with choking marks on his neck)
DOCTOR THOMPSON: Logan, you could’ve killed me! What is wrong with you?! You have to be able to take constructive criticism if you want to live in an INSANE ASYLUM! You’ll probably get a lot worse than constructive criticism as well you fucking maniac. See? Right there! Destructive criticism! What are you gonna do? Chop off my head? That’s why you’re in the hole! See ya tomorrow in a goddamn straight jacket!
(Doctor Thompson walks away. Logan sits there, depressed. Then, he notices a note under one of the feet of the bed. He gets down on his knees and lifts the bed slightly. He then takes the note, puts the bed down and unfolds the note to reveal the writing “Okay, here’s how to get out of here. Taped under the bed are some wax and feathers. You have to use that to construct wings for yourself. Then, take the needle also taped under the bed to sedate the guards. Furthermore, use the fire torch to burn the bars, climb out of the building and start flying. But, don’t fly too close to the sun, you hear? Don’t ask how I managed to sneak these things into a high-security mental facility. Not that you could ask anything anyway. I mean, we’re not talking, you’re just reading this.” Logan puts the note down and looks under the bed to see the wax, the feathers, the blow torch and the needles. He grabs all of these things. He eventually constructs the wings and tries them on)
LOGAN: This’ll work. Birds can do it, right? I’ll be flying high. Just like that Seymour Skinner song. (Singing) Because I’m free…free falling…like a bird? (Stops singing) I think that’s how it goes.
GUARD: Shut up back there!
LOGAN: Sorry. Now let’s see about escaping from here.
GUARD: What’s that?
LOGAN: I said let’s see about landscaping from here.
GUARD: Well, crazy kids usually do get dead-end jobs. Keep practicing!
LOGAN: Great, thanks.
(Logan stabs the both guards in the back with the sedative and they both fall asleep on the ground. Logan then uses the blowtorch to melt the bars. He then touches the melted bars)
LOGAN: AHH MOTHERFUCKER! (He retracts his hand and grips it in pain) GODDAMNIT, THAT HURT! I wonder if it’s still hot. (He touches it again, but immediately retracts his hand in pain) AH, SON OF A BITCH! GOD! I guess I should escape now. (He puts his legs through the window and sits on the sill. Then he sees an enormous drop below him) Shiatsu. Here we go. (He jumps and tries to flap his wings, but obviously, he fails and falls towards the Earth, screaming, he then falls through a glass ceiling and lands in a ball pit. He emerges from the ball pit covered in Band-Aids and he has needles sticking in his arms and head) FUCK! THAT FUCKING HURT!
(Pan above to reveal Phillip, Aaron and Grimes standing over the ball pit wearing medic outfits)
PHILLIP: Why hello, Logan.
(Logan turns around to see them)
LOGAN: Phillip? Aaron? Grimes?
AARON: Yep. We’re here to bust you out.
GRIMES: Because we need to get revenge on Jacob for ditching our plot against Brennan.
PHILLIP: Not only Jacob, but that faggot brother of his, his corrupt father, his slut of a sister and his hypocritical mother.
LOGAN: How are you going to do that?
PHILLIP: We’re going to give you this. (Phillip takes out a manila folder) This is proof of Ethan and Kimberly’s corruption as Chief of Staff to the Mayor of Hansbay and HOA member, respectively. This is indictable proof.
LOGAN: How did you get that?
PHILLIP: Detective Zimmerman faxed this to us yesterday. He was originally concealing it to protect Kimberly, whom he apparently banged, but I guess his feelings towards her have been inhibited by something. The point is, we’re going to take you to Hansbay and force the Donahues to keep you as a fugitive unless Ethan and Kimberly feel like being indicted. At that point, your job is to make sure you make their lives a living hell.
LOGAN: That sounds like a lot of work.
PHILLIP: No, you won’t even have to try.
LOGAN: That’s true. How are you going to bust me out of here, though?
PHILLIP: Well, luckily ball pits are always filled with heroin needles and dirty diapers.
LOGAN: Yeah, but-
(He passes out as Brattleboro Retreat authorities walk up to them)
GUARD: Hey, did the kid who jumped out the window survive?!
PHILLIP: Nope, he’s dead, right there in the ball pit. We’re medics, so we’ll take him away.
GUARD: Well, you guys do look like medics. I’ve played Team Fortress Two before.
GRIMES: Exactly, we’re just going to bring him to the Windham County Coroner.
(The guard leaves and Phillip, Grimes and Aaron jump into the ball pit and lift up Logan. They then bring him out of the ball pit and place him on a stretcher and wheel him out of the retreat. Cut to Ryan reading anime in his the living room. His cell phone rings and he answers it)
MADELINE: (On the phone, clearly distressed) Ryan?
MADELINE: It’s Madeline.
RYAN: Oh, hi Maddie. What’s wrong?
MADELINE: I don’t know, I’m just taking mom and dad’s separation pretty hard.
RYAN: Yeah, I know. It’s really tough.
MADELINE: I’ve always assumed that they were meant to be!
RYAN: Me too. I mean, they obviously have differences politically, but that can’t be what this is about. They’ve always seemed to adore each other.
MADELINE: I know! It all seems so sudden!
RYAN: Nothing, it’s just that…usually I come crying to you, not the other way around.
(Madeline and Ryan both chuckle)
MADELINE: That’s true. I mean, I guess I’ve always tried to help you through your problems, but I’ve also kind of pushed you away at other times.
RYAN: Well, you’re better than Jacob.
RYAN: He betrayed me by helping a gang get revenge on Brennan for when he shot and killed Jim Cornish in self-defense.
MADELINE: Really?! Why didn’t you ever tell me?!
RYAN: I don’t know, I could barely believe it myself. Anyway, we made up recently.
MADELINE: Wow, that quickly?
RYAN: No, it took almost two months.
RYAN: Yeah. So, what’s up with you and your boyfriend Cameron?
MADELINE: He’s not my boyfriend, and we’re fine. Although he did get in trouble for vandalizing the bathroom.
RYAN: What did he write?
MADELINE: “Drops beats, not-
RYAN: Bombs, wow, real original.
MADELINE: BABIES! Presumptive much?
RYAN: Drop beats not babies?
MADELINE: It’s a principled stand against dropping babies. What’s wrong with that?
RYAN: It’s not exactly a controversial stance. (Ethan and Mayor Sarandon enter with bruises all over themselves) Let me call you back. (He hangs up and jumps on his feet) What the hell happened to you two?!
ETHAN: We…hit our funny bones.
RYAN: It looks like you hit all your bones. Repeatedly. With somebody else’s fist.
MAYOR SARANDON: That’s purely semantics.
RYAN: Who did this to you?!
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’ want to talk about that, I want to talk about jobs.
RYAN: Don’t try the politician’s line on me, Mr. Mayor!
ETHAN: We were…mugged.
RYAN: My God, are you guys okay?
MAYOR SARANDON: We’re fine.
RYAN: What did the guy look like?
ETHAN AND MAYOR SARANDON: (In unison) Black male in his early twenties.
(Ethan quickly walks into his bathroom while Mayor Sarandon quickly walks out the door, leaving Ryan confused. Cut to Brandon and Sarah at the door of Chandler’s house. Brandon rings the doorbell and Chandler’s father opens the door. He looks like a strict disciplinarian)
CHANDLER’S DAD: How may I help you?
BRANDON: Hi, I’m Brandon Nehring and this is Sarah Blumenthal. We’re here to help out Chandler with his homework. May I come in?
CHANDLER’S DAD: You need to learn some manners, young man.
BRANDON: I beg your pardon?
CHANDLER’S DAD: “Hi, I’m Brandon Nehring”. Hello would’ve been much more appropriate.
BRANDON: Oh, sir, I apologize. Hello.
CHANDLER’S DAD: You further breached the basic laws of manners by not inquiring as to what my name is.
BRANDON: You’re right, sir. What is your name?
CHANDLER’S DAD: That is none of your business.
BRANDON: You told me to-(sighs) sorry. May I help out your son?
CHANDLER’S DAD: I will allow it. (Chandler’s dad clears the way for them to enter) Welcome to my home. Is there anything I can get you?
BRANDON: Can I have like a, bass? Like a live bass?
SARAH: Brandon! You were doing so well!
(Chandler comes in)
CHANDLER: Hello, father.
CHANDLER’S DAD: Hello, son. Go upstairs and do homework with your friends and be down here by supper. Remember, don’t log onto TV to listen to porn!
CHANDLER: Yes, father.
(Chandler’s dad leaves the area)
BRANDON: Wow. Let’s get started.
(Cut to Brandon, Sarah and Chandler upstairs in Chandler’s room. They are all sitting around with their papers)
BRANDON: How do you stand this place?
CHANDLER: It is the only thing I’ve ever known. I get good grades or they shun me, I don’t spend time with friends unless I get good grades and I behave, I can’t have sleepovers, God forbids them from ever being proud of me, and that’s why I’m continually trying to make them proud of me.
SARAH: That doesn’t sound possible, considering they’re never “allowed” to be proud of you.
CHANDLER: It keeps me working hard, though. My mom read this book called “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” and it forever changed their parenting philosophy. After they read that book, they became even stricter. They threatened that they would deprive me of meals, Christmas presents and a social life until I learned how to create a butter sculpture of David Bowie.
SARAH: First of all, that is a useless skill. Second of all, that borders on child abuse.
CHANDLER: It borders on good parenting. I completed that sculpture. (Pan to a butter sculpture of David Bowie, then pan back) Plus, I felt so relieved when I finally got to eat.
(Chandler’s mother comes in)
CHANDLER’S MOTHER: Chandler, why aren’t you working?! Why are you wasting time talking?!
CHANDLER: I’m sorry, mother. I’ll work right away.
CHANDLER’S MOTHER: You are GARBAGE, CHANDLER! PURE GARBAGE!
CHANDLER You’re right, mother. I will work hard to become storm drain runoff, at least.
CHANDLER’S MOTHER: YOU BET YOUR EAR YOU WILL!
(Chandler’s mother leaves the room, slamming the door behind her)
BRANDON: What the hell is wrong with her? That was really mean!
CHANDLER: Tiger mothering rejects western parenting’s insistence that self-esteem is paramount.
SARAH: …I feel…dead inside.
CHANDLER: You don’t have to brag.
SARAH: Excuse me?
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, being dead inside is a “bad thing” in western parenting.
BRANDON: You guys also live in the Western hemisphere and you’re not Asian.
CHANDLER: Yes, but their parenting style is Eastern. Now let’s get started on these papers, shall we?
BRANDON: Fuck no.
SARAH: Yeah, you’re on your own, Chandler. Nothing could ever satisfy your or your crazy-ass parents.
CHANDLER: What the heck?!
(Brandon and Sarah leave the room. Cut to Phillip, Aaron and Grimes pulling up to the Donahue household in a van. They all hop out and open the back to reveal Logan on his stretcher. Phillip and Aaron pull him out of the van and he wakes up)
LOGAN: Ah! I’m awake!
PHILLIP: Good. Where’s Zimmerman?
(Zimmerman pulls up in his car and gets out and walks over to them)
GEORGE: Sorry I’m late. There was traffic and I hit a flamingo.
PHILLIP: You don’t have to lie, you’re not that late.
GEORGE: Good, because I actually hit a homeless person.
GEORGE: He’s fine, let’s just focus.
PHILLIP: We’re just going to go up there and drop off ol’ Logan here.
GEORGE: And they’re obviously going to refuse to harbor a fugitive, so we’ll threaten them with the indictable proof!
(The five of them go up to the door and Phillip knocks on it. Ethan opens up)
ETHAN: Um…can I help you? Wait, Zimmerman? Logan?
PHILLIP: I’m Phillip Bumpass.
(Ryan goes over to the door)
RYAN: What the hell are you doing here, Phillip?
ETHAN: Also, how is Logan here?!
PHILLIP: Let me explain. As far as Brattleboro Retreat knows, Logan died after jumping out a window. When really, he survived and we smuggled him out of there and came here. Now, you are going to hide him here.
ETHAN: Like hell we will!
RYAN: Like hell!
(Jacob goes to the door)
JACOB: Like hell! Wait, what’s going on?
PHILLIP: Actually Mr. Donahue, you will because in the manila folder right here (Phillip takes out a manila folder labeled “PROOF OF ETHAN AND KIMBERLY’S CORRUPTION”) is the evidence of you and your wife’s corruption that will get you both indicted.
ETHAN: How do I know what’s in there is actual evidence? (Phillip opens the folder and shows Ethan what is in it) Oh my lord…
PHILLIP: Exactly. You could serve 14 years for bribery, 3 years for the blackmail and ten years for the misuse of public funds, adding up to a grand total of 27 years, worst-case scenario. Could you handle having a sore asshole until 2039? You’ll be, what? 74? Ouch. I hope they show Matlock in prison.
(Phillip, Grimes, Aaron, Zimmerman and Logan laugh)
ETHAN: You sons of bitches.
ZIMMERMAN: You can’t call the kettle black, you blackmailing son of a bitch!
ETHAN: You guys are blackmailing me right now, how is this different?
ZIMMERMAN: Because we also faked someone’s death!
ETHAN: This is not a contest to see who’s the worst person, although you guys would win.
PHILLIP: Listen, Logan is staying with you guys. Period.
RYAN: Why are you doing this, Phillip? Your beef’s not with us, it’s with Brennan!
PHILLIP: Oh, our beef is with you guys. Jacob, you abandoned the cause to get revenge on Brennan! Now we’re getting our revenge for your lack of revenge!
ETHAN: Someone’s going to have to explain a lot of this to me later.
JACOB: Listen, that’s a really petty reason to make us live with a pscyho!
PHILLIP: Well, we also think Ryan may have been involved in Dirk’s death four months ago.
RYAN: What? His death was an accident! He went off the cliff!
GRIMES: Yeah, but did you poison him?! Or constrain him in the car to where he couldn’t jump out?!
RYAN: NO! Of course not!
AARON: Maybe he poured coffee all over the radio!
RYAN: Why would that-
ETHAN: Just give me Logan and get the fuck out of my sight.
(They all leave except Logan)
LOGAN: Do you guys have pop tarts here?
(Logan walks in and Ethan shuts the door. “Little Lion Man” by Mumford and Sons starts playing. Cut to Ethan lying in bed, alone. He rolls over and grabs the pillow and cuddles with it. Cut to Kimberly in her hotel bed doing the same. Then cut to Ethan punching a punching bag with Zimmerman’s face on it. Then cut to Ryan watching home videos of the Donahues from years and years ago on his laptop in his room. Then, Rob and Logan walk into his room laughing obnoxiously, causing Ryan to slowly close his laptop. Then cut to Ethan kneeling before a Wikipedia picture of Jesus on his computer screen while praying and wearing a cross necklace. Then cut to Logan waking up in the morning on a sleeping bag in Ryan’s room. He sees the sun shining through the window rather severely, so he covers his eyes. Cut to Kimberly listening to the NPR podcast on her iTunes in her hotel room. Then cut to Jacob walking into Ethan’s bathroom to see a line of lipstick going down the middle of the mirror. On one side of the line it says “THIS IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE” and on the other side it says “THIS IS WHAT YOU DO”. Ryan walks by too and upon seeing it, he goes into the bathroom and looks at it as the song ends)
RYAN: Oh my God. Did Ethan or Kimberly write this?
JACOB: …I have no idea.
(Fade to black)
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