The Donahues Episode 40

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan, Jacob and their friends try dealing drugs, Jacob tries to become friends with someone he meets at Town Center to disastrous results and the drug trade at Town Center leads to a territory dispute

Submitted: October 02, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 02, 2012






“Starlight broke their cool serene. Fear rode their hearts faster. All laid out as eyes wide cried;

a marijuana massacre”

- Kyle S. Hamp

(We start with Jacob sitting in the side yard of his house in a lawn chair with a bowl. He inhales the bowl, and then exhales. Cut to the night before. Jacob, Ross and Beckett are at Hansbay Town Center. They are standing around at the fountain while a bunch of other teenagers around. Ryan, Brennan, Michael and Sarah in the background to the right and Scott, Barbara and Preston are gathered in the background left corner. It is night time)

BECKETT: It’s a nice night.

JACOB: It is.

BECKETT: How are you and Kirsten?

JACOB: Not so well after I made out with Sarah right in front of her.

ROSS: That happened?!

JACOB: Yeah, like a month ago, I thought I told you. Anyway, she was making out with that dumb spic Preston while I did it, so we’re not overtly angry with each other.

ROSS: Did you call him a spic? Because that’s really racist.

JACOB: Hey, he threw a bowling ball into a pep rally crowd; I’m allowed to call him a dumb spic.

BECKETT: At any rate, it seems as though Jacob is having a tough time with the ladies.

JACOB: Oh really, Beckett? At least I have a girlfriend.

BECKETT: I have a girlfriend! She just goes to another school.

JACOB: Oh, what’s her name?

BECKETT: Her name? Ask me what her name is.

JACOB: I just did. What’s her name?

BECKETT: Her name is…Megan Fox…er…ton.

JACOB: Smooth.

(The opening guitar riff from “Remembering Sunday” by All Time Low is heard in the background)

ROSS: Where’s that coming from?

(Ross, Jacob and Beckett look over to the scene kid from TDEP32 playing a song on his guitar while Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Michael, Scott, Preston and Barbara listen. The three of them walk over as he begins to sing the lyrics)

SCENE KID: He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes…started making his way past two in the morning, he hasn't been sober for days. Leaning now into the breeze. Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees. They had breakfast together, but two eggs don't last like the feeling of what he needs. Now this place seems familiar to him. She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin. She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs, left him dying to get in!

(Cut to the earlier that day. Jacob and Beckett are in the game room of the Donahue household sitting on the couch)

BECKETT: I’m just saying that if Jesus got a wife, anybody could get a wife.

JACOB: Did you just diss Jesus?

BECKETT: Now that I think about it, that does kind of sound like a diss to Jesus.

JACOB: Yeah. And just because an ancient Coptic piece of paper had Jesus referring to his wife doesn’t mean he had a wife. Coptic papyrus was like the Wikipedia of its time.

(A kid with DC shoes, a V-Neck and jeans walks in and Jacob and Beckett stand up)

JACOB: Hey, man.

KID: Hey, man.

BECKETT: How are you doing, man?

KID: I’m doing well, man. I’m Alex.

BECKETT: I’m Beckett.

ALEX: Nice to meet you, man.

(Alex and Beckett shake hands)

JACOB: His name’s actually Parker Beckett, but Parker sounds like a retard name. I’m Jacob.

ALEX: Nice to meet you, man.

(Jacob and Alex shake hands)

JACOB: So, do you have the bud?

ALEX: Yeah, I have a gram. (Alex takes out a baggie of pot) Do you have the money?

JACOB: I do. I always keep my money in a special place.

(Jacob reaches into his pants and pulls out a twenty dollar bill. He then gives the bill to Alex)

ALEX: Thanks.

JACOB: That was right next to my balls.

ALEX: Terrific. Here’s your bud.

(Alex hands him the gram, which Jacob graciously accepts)

JACOB: Thanks, man. Do you want to smoke with us?

ALEX: My dad wants me home soon, bro.

JACOB: You’re a drug dealer, just call him up and tell him you’ll be home later.

ALEX: Well, he’s deaf, so he can’t answer when I call.

BECKETT: Your dad’s deaf?

ALEX: Yeah.

JACOB: Wow, that’s crazy. You know, I’m in an ASL class. Tell him this.

(Jacob signs “Candy Apple Cousin Tree”)

ALEX: I should tell him candy apple cousin tree?

JACOB: That’s all I remember.

BECKETT: Let me ask you something, are deaf people not smart? No offense, but they come off as not intelligent.

ALEX: No, deaf people can be very smart. It’s the fact most of them can’t talk, and those who do don’t talk normally. It’s just an illusion. Deaf people can be plenty smart. Although my dad’s not the smartest guy in the world.

JACOB: Wow, that softens your point somewhat.

ALEX: I guess I just don’t have the best relationship with my parents. I have to interpret for them when they go out, even when my mom’s buying tampons.


ALEX: Yeah. Plus when they’re mad, they throw full milk cartons at me.

JACOB: Are you serious?

ALEX: Yeah, it’s a surprisingly common punishment in the deaf community.

(Ryan walks in)

RYAN: What’s going on, guys?

(Isaac walks in afterwards)

ALEX: Oh, hello Isaac.

ISAAC: Hello, Alex.

JACOB: You two know each other?

ALEX: Yes. We’re both drug dealers, competing for territory. Isaac, I thought I made it clear I claimed Cypress Creek Estates.

ISAAC: There’s room enough for the two of us.

ALEX: Enough room my ASS! I have had this territory since last May, Isaac.

ISAAC: You have the advantage that your parents can’t hear when you sneak out to sell drugs! I thought you getting your parents cochlear implants was a reasonable request!

ALEX: That’s stupid!

RYAN: Gentlemen, please.

BECKETT: Settle such disputes elsewhere.

(Mr. Daniels walks in)

MR. DANIELS: What are you shit heads doing here?

RYAN: Mr. Daniels?

JACOB: Don’t you teach sports marketing at our school?

MR. DANIELS: That’s correct. And I demand to know why Isaac and Alex are infringing on my territory.

RYAN: Mr. Daniels, who are you even here for? You haven’t been my dealer for four months.

MR. DANIELS: I’m Rob’s dealer.

(Rob comes in)

ROB: That’s me!

RYAN: Jesus. I hate that your still here. Not as much as I hate that Logan’s-


RYAN: Right.

JACOB: Out of curiosity and nothing else, how much would one make as a drug dealer?

ALEX: You can make quite a bit depending on your salesmanship and resources.

BECKETT: Can it be that hard to sell weed? “Hey does your life suck? Well this’ll make you feel good for a few hours. Sold!”

ALEX: It’s more complicated than that. You have to have suppliers. But if you have good suppliers, then you can make quite a bit. A gram for twenty dollars, a couple of those a day, that adds up.

RYAN: Sounds like a very lucrative industry.

ISAAC: You know, I’ve tried to talk to you about dealing drugs before, Ryan.

RYAN: Isaac, you’re the kind of drug dealer that wants to start a conversation with me every time I buy drugs, but I don’t listen to a word you say.

ISAAC: But dude, I’ve been reading up on the moon landing, and it was totally fake, bro.

RYAN: (Unconvincingly) Oh really, that’s interesting.

ISAAC: Damnit.

RYAN: What I don’t understand is how you three are competing. Isaac sells X, Alex sells weed and Mr. Daniels sells pot.

ISAAC: I also sell weed. Plus, I used to be an expert at breaking open liquor cabinets for ten year olds.

JACOB: Wait, Ryan you were buying X? I thought you quit after we had our fight.

RYAN: I’m in the process of quitting, okay? And listen, I can further quit if I just start selling drugs.

BECKETT: How does that work?

RYAN: Have you ever seen a drunk bartender? Have you ever seen a shoe salesman wearing shoes? Have you ever seen a snake eating an oil salesman?

JACOB: …What?

BECKETT: My dad was a bartender, I saw him drunk all the time. I also saw him beat me with a shoe.

RYAN: Beckett’s depressing life aside; I’m going to sell drugs so I don’t take drugs, capiche?

JACOB: In that case, I’m going to sell drugs too. It can’t be that hard. I’ll build up an operation.

ALEX: You guys are treading on very dangerous ground.

RYAN: What ground exactly?

ALEX: The middle-class suburban white kid drug industry of Western Vermont.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael and Isaac in Ryan’s room)

BRENNAN: Why did you invite us here?

RYAN: Because we’re going to start selling weed.

MICHAEL: Really?

RYAN: Yeah, really. Isaac said we can join his operation.

ISAAC: As long as he participates in our conversations.

RYAN: Yeah.

MICHAEL: Well, who are we going to sell to?

RYAN: Stoners. A lot of stoners. They’re all around this neighborhood and this city. We’ll split the profits four ways. Five dollars for everyone each gram we sell.

BRENNAN: Well I’m in.

MICHAEL: I have certain reservations about this-I’m in.

ISAAC: And I’m in too.

RYAN: You already sell drugs.

ISAAC: So what? I can’t be in?

RYAN: No, it’s just-oh, nevermind. We’re all in. Let’s go sell pot at town center.

(Cut to Jacob, Beckett, Alex and Scott in Jacob’s room)

JACOB: Okay everybody, listen up. We have enlisted the resources of Scott Alexander to attain the marijuana we need to sell so we can make money.

SCOTT: I have blue dream, purple haze, any pot color-related really.

JACOB: Exactly. We’re going to distribute it with the help of Scott and Alex. Any questions?

BECKETT: Yes, what is the punishment for this crime?

JACOB: Two years in jail for selling less than two ounces to an adult, five years for selling it to minors.

BECKETT: Wow. Is this worth it?

JACOB: Of course, Beckett! Don’t be a bitch.

BECKETT: Are we going to pick up Ross?

JACOB: Damnit, I forgot about Ross. He’s pretty anti-weed, but as long as we don’t pressure him to smoke it, we’ll be fine.

ALEX: Is Mr. Daniels still in your house?

JACOB: God, I hope not.

(Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Michael and Isaac at the side yard, Isaac is holding a gram of weed and a pipe)

ISAAC: Ryan, to sell weed you have to know all the terms. How would you describe this weed?

RYAN: That weed is cashed.

ISAAC: It’s not even in the bowl yet.

RYAN: It’s cherry.

ISAAC: Oh my God…

RYAN: Is this hot boxed?

ISAAC: Stop.

(Cut to Jacob, Beckett and Ross at town center near the fountain again)

JACOB: Okay, Ross, you need to understand something.

ROSS: What?

BECKETT: We’re kind of selling weed now.

ROSS: What?

JACOB: Yeah, we’re selling weed to make some extra cash. It turns out it’s a very lucrative enterprise.

ROSS: Guys, that’s illegal and you could go to jail for a long time for doing that!

JACOB: People don’t get caught, Ross. And you don’t have to smoke it. But my dealer Alex is looking for potential customers right now.

(Alex walks over with Preston at his side)

JACOB: Oh no.

ALEX: I found your potential customer!

PRESTON: That’s me!

ROSS: Do you need some pot to forget how you almost killed everyone in the gym?

PRESTON: Why won’t people forget about that?

BECKETT: How would people forget about that?

PRESTON: I just want a gram of headies.

JACOB: Goddamnit, fine.

(Preston gives him twenty dollars and Jacob gives him a gram, which he quickly shuffles into his pocket)

PRESTON: Walk away, walk away.

JACOB: No, I’m supposed to say that to you.



(Preston walks away)

ALEX: That kid was kind of a dumbass.

JACOB: Yeah, thanks for that.

(Ryan and Isaac come over)

RYAN: Excuse me, are you guys selling here?

JACOB: Yeah, what of it?

ISAAC: We claimed this area, thank you very much and good night.

ALEX: How did you claim this area?

ISAAC: I’ve been dealing here since August!

ALEX: That wasn’t that long ago.

ISAAC: In dog years, it was!

JACOB: Shut up, both of you, there’s plenty of room for everybody.

ISAAC: Fine. But watch your step!

(Isaac and Ryan leave)

JACOB: Jesus.

(Lamar, Max and Daniel, otherwise known as the mostly shirtless gang, walks over. They’re all shirtless except for Daniel)

LAMAR: Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

JACOB: We’re selling.

LAMAR: You can’t sell here, this is Mostly Shirtless Gang territory.

JACOB: That’s still going on even without Logan?

MAX: May he rest in peace.

JACOB: Sure. Anyway, there is plenty of room for all of us to sell, okay?

LAMAR: No there isn’t, we’re not allowed to sell in restaurants.

JACOB: You’re not allowed to sell anywhere.

LAMAR: Right, but we’re not allowed in restaurants.

JACOB: Oh. Put shirts on then!

(Cut back to Jacob smoking a bowl outside of his house. Ryan comes out to see him)

RYAN: Hey.


RYAN: Are you okay, man?

JACOB: Yeah…I’m fine.

RYAN: Because you don’t seem like your okay.

JACOB: No, you’re the one who’s supposed to have problems, not me.

RYAN: Trust me Jacob, you don’t want the problems I have. Stick to your problems.

JACOB: I did nothing to him.

RYAN: I know.

(Cut to Jacob, Ross, Beckett, Ryan, Brennan, Michael, Scott, Preston and Barbara listening to the scene kid sing)

SCENE KID: Forgive me, I’m trying to find…my calling, I’m calling at night. I don’t mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She’s been running through my dreams. And it’s driving me crazy, it seems…I’m gonna ask her to marry me.

(Cut to Jacob, Ross, Beckett, Alex, Lamar, Max, Daniel, Ryan, Brennan, Michael and Isaac in a smoky, dimly lit room. Isaac is sitting behind a desk smoking from a bong while Ryan, Brennan and Michael stand behind him and look intimidating and the rest of the characters are standing in front of the desk. Isaac takes a massive bong hit and then dispenses smoke from his mouth. He puts the bong on his desk and leans forward)

ISAAC: Clearly, we have a problem here. The territory in question is being disputed by three rival drug dealing operations.

JACOB: Where are we?

ISAAC: This is my office, thank you very much.

ROSS: Since when do drug dealers have offices?

ISAAC: Since always and forever. Okay? Now look, there’s plenty of opportunity for competition in this business, we live in a free market.

BECKETT: No, we don’t.

ISAAC: Yes we do.

BECKETT: No, we don’t.

ISAAC: Well Beckett, you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

BECKETT: How is the illegal trade of drugs between people a “free” market?

ISAAC: Fine! We live in an overly-regulated market and that’s because of Obama and his socialism!

JACOB: Where is this office we’re in?

ISAAC: It’s a spare room at the Brio’s restaurant here in town center, they let me operate out of it. Of course, I used to be able to operate out of the dressing room at Hot Topic until Ryan’s girlfriend cut me off.

RYAN: Ex-girlfriend.

ISAAC: Right.

ALEX: Let’s focus. Town Center is ours.

LAMAR: Bull, it’s ours!

ISAAC: I’m inclined to believe it’s ours.

BECKETT: Of course you would, you greedy Jew.

JACOB: Wow, simmer down.

ISAAC: Listen, let’s settle this in the most adult fashion possible. Thumb war.


ISAAC: Ryan versus Jacob first.

(Jacob and Ryan put their fists together and position their thumbs accordingly)

JACOB AND RYAN: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!

(Jacob and Ryan fight the thumb war for fifteen seconds before Jacob triumphs)


(They detach fists)


JACOB: I control town center!

ISAAC: Not too fast, Jacoby. You have to thumb war Lamar now.

JACOB: Damnit.

LAMAR: Prepare yourself, Jacob. I am a thumb war champion from out west.

JACOB: You were born in Connecticut.

LAMAR: Down south, then.

JACOB: Fine.

(They start thumb warring, but Lamar just pushes Jacob to the ground)


JACOB: WHAT THE FUCK?! (Jacob gets up) You can’t do that!

ISAAC: The Mostly Shirtless Gang wins, sorry Jacoby.

JACOB: Stop calling me that, and how did he win? That’s against the rules of thumb war!

LAMAR: There are no rules of thumb war, it’s just like real war!

JACOB: It’s nothing like real war!

ISAAC: You lost! Sorry Jacob.


(Cut to Jacob, Ross and Beckett at Town Center)

JACOB: That was so much bullshit.

ROSS: It’s okay, Jacob. We can deal somewhere else.

JACOB: Where? School?

ROSS: No, Mr. Daniels has that territory claimed.

JACOB: Maybe a vet’s office?

BECKETT: Who buys pot at a vet’s office?

JACOB: I don’t know.


BECKETT: It’s a nice night.

JACOB: It is.

BECKETT: How are you and Kirsten?

JACOB: Not so well after I made out with Sarah right in front of her.

ROSS: That happened?!

JACOB: Yeah, like a month ago, I thought I told you. Anyway, she was making out with that dumb spic Preston while I did it, so we’re not overtly angry with each other.

ROSS: Did you call him a spic? Because that’s really racist.

JACOB: Hey, he threw a bowling ball into a pep rally crowd; I’m allowed to call him a dumb spic.

BECKETT: At any rate, it seems as though Jacob is having a tough time with the ladies.

JACOB: Oh really, Beckett? At least I have a girlfriend.

BECKETT: I have a girlfriend! She just goes to another school.

JACOB: Oh, what’s her name?

BECKETT: Her name? Ask me what her name is.

JACOB: I just did. What’s her name?

BECKETT: Her name is…Megan Fox…er…ton.

JACOB: Smooth.

(The opening guitar riff from “Remembering Sunday” by All Time Low is heard in the background)

ROSS: Where’s that coming from?

(Ross, Jacob and Beckett look over to the scene kid from TDEP32 playing a song on his guitar while Ryan, Sarah, Brennan, Michael, Scott, Preston and Barbara listen. The three of them walk over as he begins to sing the lyrics. But then, cut to the end of the song)

SCENE KID: I guess I’ll go home now…I guess I’ll go home now…I guess I’ll go home…

(The song ends and everybody claps, especially Jacob)

JACOB: Nicely done!

SCENE KID: Thanks, man.

JACOB: Hey, what’s your name?

(Scott, Barbara and Preston leave)

SCENE KID: I’m Delaware.

JACOB: I beg your pardon?

DELAWARE: My name’s Delaware.

JACOB: Like the state?

DELAWARE: Yeah, like the state.

JACOB: That’s awesome, man, are you from there?

DELAWARE: No, my parents just wanted me to have a unique name I guess.

JACOB: Oh, okay. Cool. Do you play here often?

DELAWARE: Yeah, pretty often, it’s good to make the extra money.

JACOB: Oh, of course. (Jacob looks over to Delaware’s guitar case, which is full of ones and fives) You know what? This kind of music doesn’t usually appeal to me, but I was kind of moved by that, so I will-(He takes out a ten) give you ten dollars for the lovely entertainment.

DELAWARE: Thanks, man.


(Jacob turns around)

JACOB: What?

BECKETT: (Whispering) That’s the drug money.

JACOB: Beckett, I realize that, but we’re not buying, we’re selling.

BECKETT: No, like that’s part of the money we’ve made from selling drugs.

JACOB: Yeah, and this is a worthy investment. Supporting the local art community.

BECKETT: The local art community? Save that shit for half-hearted compliments at Art Fest, we need to spend that money on something valuable.

JACOB: This is valuable! (Jacob turns around) Sorry about that.

(Jacob places the ten in the guitar case)


JACOB: You are welcome.

(Ryan comes over)

RYAN: Jacob, you said you’ve always hated All Time Low.

JACOB: That was All Time Low?


JACOB: I guess I’ve got to reconsider my taste.

(A loud cheering noise is heard in the background)

RYAN: What the hell was that?

DELAWARE: I have no idea. Let’s go to see what happened.

JACOB: Awesome! Okay, I think it came from over here!

(Delaware, Jacob, Beckett, Ross and Ryan run over to where it came from. They go down the street to see a bunch of people being loud sitting in the outdoor part of a restaurant)

BECKETT: It’s a birthday party.

DELAWARE: Wow, what a disappointment.

JACOB: I know! Damnit.

(They start walking back)

RYAN: They townspeople are going to want a more interesting explanation.

DELAWARE: Let’s just say that everyone’s dead. (Ryan, Beckett and Jacob laugh) Let’s be like “Oh my God, everyone’s dead, there’s bodies everywhere, it’s horrible”!

(They laugh even further)

JACOB: We should totally do that.

RYAN: We should just start yelling it at people.

ROSS: Why would people be cheering if everyone was dead?

DELEWARE: (Laughs) That’s a good question.

(They eventually get back to the area they were before)

JACOB: Delaware, where do you live?


JACOB: Let me rephrase that, where are you from?

DELAWARE: Oh, I’m from New Hampshire by way of Rhode Island, by way of Denmark.

JACOB: Wow. Everywhere but Delaware.


RYAN: I love All Time Low, what else do you play?

DELAWARE: Plenty of stuff.

JACOB: Like, rock n’ roll, mostly?

DELAWARE: (Laughs) Rock n’ Roll? Is this a foreign concept to you?

(Ryan, Beckett and Ross laugh while an embarrassed Jacob smirks)

RYAN: It’s not the 50s, Jacob.

ROSS: God, I hope not.

JACOB: (Chuckles) No, I meant like, emo rock and shit like that.

DELAWARE: Yeah, mostly.

RYAN: It’s certainly my schtick.

JACOB: Well, that was way better than most of the emo rock I’ve heard.

DELAWARE: Well, that song was more like pop punk or emo pop than anything else, but I play some emo rock, is that not to your liking?

JACOB: No, I didn’t say that, I just have…different…you know-

(A stoner chick with a beanie on comes over to Jacob)

STONER CHICK: Hey, do you got any bud? Someone told me you dealt.

JACOB: Thank God you’re here, yes, I have bud. How much do you want?

STONER CHICK: I have 40 bucks.

JACOB: You’re good for two grams.


(She pulls the money out from in between her breasts and gives it to Jacob)

JACOB: Thank you.

(Jacob places the money in his pants and gives her a baggie with two grams of weed in it)

BECKETT: Why are people doing that?

DELAWARE: Hey, if you guys are in the mood, I would love to be smoked out.


DELAWARE: Great. Where are we doing it?

STONER CHICK: Well, we could do it at my house. My parents are in Vermont.

RYAN: So are we.

STONER CHICK: Yeah, but they’re in Montpelier.

RYAN: Then why didn’t you say that?

DELAWARE: Awesome, we’ll smoke at her house.

JACOB: We should probably tell our respective bosses though.

(Alex and Isaac walk over)

ALEX: Tell us what?

RYAN: Isaac, we’re going to smoke Delaware out at this chick’s house.

STONER CHICK: I have a name, thank you.

RYAN: Of course, what’s your name?

STONER CHICK: I’m Natelie.

RYAN: Great, we’re going to use her weed that Jacob sold her and we’re going to take a few select people and get high.

ALEX: Wait, Jacob dealt that weed to this chick?

NATALIE: Natalie.

JACOB: Yeah, I dealt the weed to this random chick, what’s the big deal?

NATALIE: My name is Natalie.

ISAAC: The big deal is I decided that this territory is Lamar’s territory. That’s why Ryan and I are SUPPOSED to be dealing at the parking garage.

ALEX: And you’re SUPPOSED to be dealing at the Barnes and Noble.

JACOB: That’s a terrible idea.

RYAN: Yeah, being a drug dealer is not supposed to be so restrictive.

JACOB: Yeah, and Alex, Lamar isn’t even around, so who gives a fuck where we deal?

ALEX: He had to take a piass. No rules against taking a piass in the drug dealing game.

RYAN: But there are rules against dealing drugs to begin with, which returns is to the argument about whether a business that is against the rules is capable of having rules.

DELAWARE: I feel like this whole conversation would be a lot more interesting if I were high.

JACOB: Me too.

ALEX: One of the rules of dealing is that you never get high on your own supply. Mahatma Gandhi said that.

ISAAC: Personally, I don’t know if you guys are cut out for dealing. Ryan, where’s the rest of your operation? Brennan? Michael?

RYAN: They’re dealing, I guess. (Isaac points to them in the background. Michael, Scott and Brennan are in an ice cream place eating ice cream together) Maybe it’s pot ice cream.

ISAAC: No. You guys are done in this business.

ALEX: Yeah, so are you guys.

JACOB: Fine! We don’t want to have to hide pot up our asses when we go to airports anyway!

RYAN: Yeah!

JACOB: Although Ryan may want to.

RYAN: Wow, thanks for throwing me under the bus.

JACOB: Because you’re bi!

RYAN: I know!

NATALIE: Are you guys going to smoke with me?

DELAWARE: I just want to smoke. When are we going to do that?

JACOB: We will do it at my house with this lady.

NATALIE: Oh my God, it’s Natalie!

ALEX: If we’re going to do it, it should be at my house, because my parents won’t be able to hear us laughing and munching on fruit snacks.

JACOB: Let’s do it!

(Ryan, Jacob, Delaware, Ross, Beckett, Alex and Natalie leave)

ISAAC: Amateurs. I should’ve known that would never work.

(Mr. Daniels comes over with four ounces of pot on top of a piece of printer paper)

MR. DANIELS: These are those test reviews you wanted.

ISAAC: Wow, that’s not discreet.

(Lamar comes over)

LAMAR; Hey, I’m done taking a piass. Wait, Mr. Daniels, are you dealing on my territory?

MR. DANIELS: AH! Um, Jacob was too!

ISAAC: Yeah, so was Jacob.

LAMAR: That whore and a half. Where is he now?

ISAAC: He’s at Alex’s house. Their whole operation has no respect for territories.

LAMAR: Oh, I’ll take care of them.

(Lamar leaves as Isaac devilishly smiles. Cut to Ryan, Jacob, Delaware, Ross, Beckett, Alex and Natalie in Alex’s room getting high. Ryan is taking a hit off a pipe. He exhales and hands it to Ross, who hands it to Beckett)

BECKETT: C’mon Ross, stop being such a lucid bitch.

ROSS: My lucidity is fine, thank you.

BECKETT: Yeah, that’s the problem.

(Beckett takes a hit off the pipe)

JACOB: Delaware, how high are you right now?

DELAWARE: Pretty high, man.

JACOB: Like really high?

DELAWARE: Please stop talking.

(Beckett hands the pipe to Alex)

JACOB: This stuff is like God’s medicine, you know?

RYAN: Oh my God, don’t.

JACOB: What?

DELAWARE: He’s saying don’t do the stupid stoner thing where we pretend like God approves of what we’re doing.

JACOB: But it’s true, man. If God was a doctor, his nurse would be…the pope.

RYAN: Wha-that’s not…shut up.

BECKETT: Everybody, please. Be at peace. I’m far too high to deal with arguing. Where are those fruit snacks?

(Ryan tosses a fruit snack pack to Beckett and Beckett readily accepts them and starts eating them)

BECKETT: They feel so weird…sliding down my throat, you know? I can’t handle it.

ALEX: You know, I live right next to deaf lake, which is a lake where hearing parents used to drown their deaf children because they were ashamed of them. Sometimes I still hear their screams as I fall asleep each night.

ROSS: Jesus.

JACOB: Delaware, we should Facebook.

DELAWARE: Totally.

JACOB: We should Twitter and 4Chan too.

DELAWARE: Totally.

RYAN: …Hey Delaware, we should fuck.


RYAN: Exactly.

JACOB: Damnit.

(Ryan’s phone rings and he answers it)

RYAN: Hello?

BRENNAN: (On the phone) Ryan, where did you go?

RYAN: Oh, sorry I went to get smoked out by Alex, I’ll be back later.

BRENNAN: So the whole thing about dealing drugs to stay off of drugs is-

RYAN: I’m too high to talk right now.

(Ryan hangs up)

JACOB: Delaware, do you think…do you think Civil War soldiers smoked pot when they weren’t fighting?

DELAWARE: Totally.

RYAN: They were probably like “If you train high, you got to fight the battle high”.(Ryan and Delaware crack up, much to Jacob’s jealousy)

DELAWARE: That was great.

(Eventually they finish laughing)

RYAN: (Very quietly) I’m so sad.

( Cut to Lamar outside Alex’s house. He is wielding a switch blade. He kicks in the door and walks inside. He goes upstairs, when suddenly, a light switches on and reveals Alex’s deaf mom and dad, each holding a milk carton. They start throwing numerous milk cartons at him, making him fall down the stairs. As they do this, they are also angrily signing at him to get out while also talking in deaf voices. Then, Alex comes out and signs “What’s going on?” and Alex’s dad signs back “A hoodlum broke into our house, that’s what’s up!” and Alex signs back “I didn’t ask ‘what’s up?’” and then Alex looks at Lamar and signs “Call the police. This guy’s a notorious drug dealer.” And Alex’s dad signs back “I’ll text them.” And then leaves the room)

ALEX: No, dad just use the TTY!

(Cut to Jacob smoking that bowl in the side yard with Ryan by his side)

RYAN: …Jacob, where’d you get that pipe?

JACOB: Peter gave it to me for my birthday back in May.

RYAN: And I’m guessing you use it a considerable amount?

JACOB: Yeah…why?

RYAN: I’m just asking. Jacob, we all have an escape from our insecurities and the stresses of everyday life. Some people have constructive escapes like exercise or music or writing, but some people have unconstructive escapes. Like watching Honey Boo Boo to make fun of the fat people or in the case of you and I, doing drugs.

JACOB: Yeah, but you do E. That’s way worse.

RYAN: Granted. Jacob, I’m fickle. A week ago I pledged not to do drugs anymore, but now I’m just “in the process of quitting”. It’s hard to deal with everyday life, but sometimes you just have to face it. With Delaware, it was nothing persona he just personally doesn’t like you.

JACOB: So that is personal then, right?

RYAN: Whatever helps you sleep at night.

JACOB: That’s not going to help me sleep at night.

RYAN: Just forget about him. Anyway, I’ll see you in another life.

JACOB: What does that even mean? (Ryan begins to leave) Ryan!

(Ryan turns around)

RYAN: Yes?

(Jacob offers the pipe, and Ryan walks over and takes a hit off it, then leaves. Cut to Lamar outside Alex’s house being arrested by police officers while Ryan, Alex, Jacob and Delaware look on)

RYAN: Well, I suppose that’s the price of being a drug dealer.

JACOB: Yeah. So Delaware, we should hang out tomorrow.

DELAWARE: I think I have practice tomorrow.

JACOB: Like band practice? I could totally join in, what’s your band called?

DELAWARE: No, I have like…badminton practice tomorrow.

JACOB: Dude, I won the 2011 Badminton Award. They used to call me goodminton.

DELAWARE: Wow, you are terrible on picking up on people’s signals, aren’t you?

JACOB: I beg your pardon?

DELAWARE: I will ALWAYS be too busy to hang out with you, okay? Great. I’m gonna go. Thanks for the smoke out.

(Delaware leaves while Jacob stands there, embarrassed. Then Alex’s parents come out of the house and throw some milk cartons at the four)


(Cut to black)


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