The Donahues Episode 43

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ryan goes to homecoming to extort money from women, Kirsten reveals a secret to Jacob during homecoming, Sarah and Brandon have a less than perfect night and Principal Maxell polices dancing

Submitted: October 17, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: October 17, 2012









“The rush of my blood, my heart beating like a fast drum, a race against time to get rid of my hood. I struggle with my hood and start to hum”

  • Bethany Williams


(We start with Principal Maxell in his office, signing papers. Principal Maxell’s somewhat overweight secretary Morgan comes in)


MORGAN: Excuse me, sir?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Knock, please.


MORGAN: Oh, sorry, I’ll go back out and do it again.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: No, just, what do you want?


MORGAN: I’m just reminding you that homecoming is tomorrow, and the board wants you to be there to intimidate students so they don’t dance inappropriately.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Oh my God…I hate homecoming. Bunch of kids in suits grinding on each other while we play the clean version of a million radio songs. Do we have to do it?


MORGAN: We already spent money renting the ball room at the Double Tree Inn in Burlington.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Fine! I’ll police dance moves.  What dance moves are considered inappropriate anyway?


MORGAN: Well, this one.


(She starts swaying her hips while putting her tongue in between index and middle fingers)




(She stops)


MORGAN: See? That’s exactly what you have to do.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: What dances are appropriate?


MORGAN: The Kimbra!


(Morgan starts moving her shoulders like Kimbra)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: But they can’t be naked like Kimbra.


(Morgan stops)






(Cut to Kirsten and Jacob at Kohl’s in the men’s suits section)


KIRSTEN: Okay, what size suit are you?


JACOB: I don’t know, I haven’t worn a suit since my bar mitzvah.


KIRSTEN: You aren’t Jewish.


JACOB: Oh yeah, it was actually a Jewish funeral.


KIRSTEN: Well, we’re going to make you look snazzy. (Kirsten takes a black coat off the rack and puts it up to Jacob’s chest) That looks great.


JACOB: Yeah, I can just staple the suit to my chest.


KIRSTEN: Fine, try it on.


(Jacob takes the suit and tries it on, and it’s a little small)


JACOB: This is pretty small.


KIRSTEN: Alright, then we’ll get some help.


JACOB: No, just get a bigger size.


KIRSTEN: Nonsense, we have to make this homecoming be very special.


JACOB: Why? It’s homecoming, most people leave after an hour.


KIRSTEN: Just trust me; we have to make it very special. (Kirsten stops an employee while she walks) Excuse me, can you help me find a bigger size for my boyfriend here?


(The employee takes a suit off the rack and gives it to Kirsten and walks away. Jacob takes the suit, tries it on and it fits perfectly)


JACOB: Wow, you must feel pretty helpless.


KIRSTEN: Shut up, I’m still recovering from that.


(Cut to Sarah and Brandon in a parking lot. Sarah is wearing her mum, which is enormous, and Brandon is wearing his boutonniere, which is smaller. Sarah’s mum is white, blue and pink and celebrates the Hansbay Highlanders and has her name on it while Brandon’s boutonniere is red, black and white with his name on it. They are posing for pictures that Sarah’s mom Amy is taking. Brandon’s dad is also taking pictures. Brandon’s mum begins hemorrhaging blood)


BRANDON: What the fuck?


SARAH: Yeah, I put little fake blood balloons in it that can go off at any point. Pretty badass, huh?


BRANDON: Pretty weird.


SARAH: O-kay.


AMY: C’mon, guys, get closer, this is the only reason we do any of this mum and boutonniere bullshit is so we can get pictures.


(Sarah and Brandon get closer and Amy takes a couple pictures, as does Brandon’s dad)


BRANDON’S DAD: This is what it’s all about!


AMY: Pictures! (She looks at some, as does Brandon’s dad) I’m going to post these to Facebook and it’ll look like I experienced the moment.


BRANDON’S DAD: Let’s get pictures with Brandon and I, then Sarah and Amy, then Brandon and Amy, then Sarah and I,  then all four of us, then only three of us-


BRANDON: Dad, please. We just want to go to the game.


BRANDON’S DAD: Fine, sorry.


(Amy walks over to Brandon’s dad)


AMY: You have a lovely son.


BRANDON’S DAD: Thank you, you have a lovely daughter.


AMY: What’s your name?


BRANDON’S DAD: Al. Al Nehring.


AMY: Amy Blumenthal.


(They shake hands)


AL: I can see where Sarah gets her beautiful eyes.


AMY: Yes, that’s all me. I can see where Brandon gets his chin.


AL: Ah, yes, I could knock someone out with this thing.


(They both giggle)


BRANDON: This is getting weird.


SARAH: We’re going to go.


(They leave. Cut to Ryan, Brennan and Michel sitting together at lunch)


RYAN: Where’s Sarah?


BRENNAN: She’s at Brandon’s table.


RYAN: Damnit. Brandon is tearing Sarah away from us.


MICHAEL: Well, that’s what happens when you mix the cliques.


BRENNAN: Maybe each clique should have its own schools.


MICHAELL: Right, separate but equal.


RYAN: What clique is Brandon associated with?


BRENNAN: The brain-geniuses.


RYAN: Right. Well, she’s going with Brandon and Michelle told me that she’d “think about” going to homecoming with me. Literally ten minutes ago she was making out with me, but nine minutes ago she said she’d “think about” it.


MICHAEL: Yeah, that means no.


RYAN: Exactly!


BRENNAN: So what are you going to do? I mean, Michael and I have homecoming dates.


RYAN: Well…I think I have an idea.


MICHAEL: And what’s that?


RYAN: Well, I’m kind of strapped for cash, because my mom’s making me pay for my own gas now using money I make from Hot Topic.




RYAN: So you know how girls take off their shoes at homecoming while they’re dancing?




RYAN: Well I was thinking I could set up a shoe check at the front of the room where girls could put their shoes. That way, they could put them there and if they wanted them back, they’d have to pay the price.


(Brennan shakes his head)


BRENNAN: You’re a bad person.


RYAN: It’s a victimless crime.




RYAN: Hey, if I’m going to stag, I’m not going to stag for nothing.




RYAN: Anyway, I am going to go to the bathroom.


(Ryan gets up and walks away)


MICHAEL: Wow, Ryan’s kind of an asshole without Michelle there to keep him in check.


BRENNAN: How is he this emotionally weak?


MICHAEL: I don’t know. We have to get those two back together.


BRENNAN: By convincing Michelle to take him to homecoming?


MICHAEL: Nope, it looks like that ship has already sailed.


(Michael points at Delaware asking Michelle to homecoming in the background. She accepts, and they hug)


BRENNAN: Damnit! This is going to be an arduous task. But we can do it.


MICHAEL: But Delaware is so hot!


BRENNAN: Yeah, I know. It’ll be tough. But we can do it.


MICHAEL: Are you sure, because-


BRENNAN: Oh my God, just say we can do it.


MICHAEL Fine. We can do it!


(They shake hands. Cut to a big ballroom at the Double Tree hotel. There is a DJ, tables full of food and punch, as well as chaperones. The lights are dim and there’s a dance floor. Cut to Principal Maxell standing near a wall, next to Morgan)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Is rubbing heads together okay?


MORGAN: Like dick heads?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: No, for Christ’s sake, like heads!


MORGAN: Who rubs heads together?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Isn’t that what head banging is?


MORGAN: No, that’s different. Head banging is the same as getting head.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Oh, and getting head is…?


MORGAN: Head butting.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Okay, I don’t see anything wrong with that.


(Students start funneling into the room. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten walking in. Jacob is wearing a black suit with a bright blue tie and a silver vest and shined shoes. Kirsten is wearing a beautiful red dress)


JACOB: This place is huge.


KIRSTEN: Yeah, I know. I wonder who’s going to spike the water this year.


JACOB: I was planning to, actually. You kind of ruined the surprise.


KIRSTEN: Oh, sorry about that.


(They laugh. But once their done laughing, the camera zooms in on Kirsten as she expresses concern about something. Cut to Sarah and Brandon talking to Jacob and Kirsten in a group. Brandon is wearing a black suit with a white shirt and a red bow tie while Sarah is wearing a black dress)


BRANDON: You look great, Kirsten.


JACOB: Yes she does.


SARAH: Do I look great?


BRANDON: Yeah, you do, it’s just that…


SARAH: What?


BRANDON: I don’t know, your outfit is devoid of color.


SARAH: Well maybe I should get a bowtie like I’m a fucking ventriloquist doll!


(Jacob and Kirsten laugh)


BRANDON: That was good.


JACOB: It sure was. What is the theme of this homecoming by the way? Western?


(Kirsten groans)


BRANDON: I don’t think they do themes any more.


KIRSTEN: They probably don’t.


JACOB: Yeah. But judging from the temperature in here, maybe the theme is arctic. (They all chuckle, while Kirsten does a loud fake laugh) What the hell was that?


KIRSTEN: I laughed. I’m going to go freshen up.


(Kirsten leaves)


JACOB: That was weird. She gets like this when she has something to tell me.


(Preston and Natasha come over. Preston is in a silver suit with a black tie while Natasha is in a green dress)


PRESTON: Hey there, Tucker Carlson. Loving the bow tie.


(Preston and Natasha laugh)


BRANDON: Hey there, attempted murderer. Loving the reckless endangerment charge and the up-to-one-year prison sentence. (Preston and Natasha leave while giving them the stink eye) See ya in 2013!


(Cut to Ryan walking into the ball room to see Michelle and Delaware talking. He casts a negative glance in their direction and then walks over to the side of the room, sets up a sign reading “SHOE CHECK” and then waits. He is wearing a black suit with a blue-striped black shirt and a dark blue tie. A girl walks over holding her shoes in her hand)


GIRL: Are you the volunteer taking shoes?


RYAN: Yes I am.


(The girl hands him the shoes)


GIRL: Thank you so much.


RYAN: You are very welcome.


(The girl walks away and Brennan walks over with some scene chick)


BRENNAN: You’ve got to stop this.


RYAN: Hey Brennan! Who’s the lucky lady?


BRENNAN: I don’t know her name, I went to a group of scene girls, spun them all around and one of them stumbled towards me.


SCENE GIRL: Where am I?


BRENNAN: She’s a little disoriented from the spiked punch.


RYAN: Yeah, why does someone always spike the punch?


BRENNAN: I don’t know, but I hope he keeps doing it. Anyway, we’re getting off track. You have to stop the shoe extortion thing.


RYAN: I’m trying to make money!


BRENNAN: Yeah, I’m not arguing with you about what you’re trying to do, but it’s wrong.


RYAN: Who’s to say what is right and wrong? I believe in moral relativism.


BRENNAN:  As the Vice President might say, that’s some bullshit!


RYAN: No, he said malarkey.


BRENNAN: Well, I don’t speak Catholic.


RYAN: Nameless scene chick, would you like to leave your shoes here?


SCENE CHICK: Why, yes.


BRENNAN: Why, no.




(Brennan and the scene chick walk away. Cut to Michelle and Delaware talking at the punch bowl)


DELAWARE: And then he left my party without saying “hello”.


MICHELLE: Why would he say “hello” if he was leaving your party?


DELAWARE: It’s not what he did; it’s what he didn’t do that I’m mad about.


MICHELLE: Yeah, I had no confusion about that.


(Brennan comes over)


BRENNAN: Michelle, you have to get back together with Ryan-oh, hey Delaware.


MICHELLE: Hi, Brennan.


DELAWARE: Wait, you used to date Ryan Donahue?


MICHELLE: Yeah, it was just a brief fling.


BRENNAN: You guys dated for almost four months.


DELAWARE: Wow. You never dated Jacob, did you?


MICHELLE: No. God no. Ugh.


DELAWARE: Well, it’s over now, so what’s the big deal?


MICHELLE: Thank you, Delaware.


BRENNAN: Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but you not being his girlfriend is making his recovery from drugs and depression a little more arduous, plus without you to keep him in check he’s kind of a major asshole. Look, right now, he’s collecting shoes from the girls so he can extort money from them later.


(Brennan points to Ryan hanging out near his shoe check, where there are more shoes than before. Pan back)


MICHELLE: Wow. Dick move.




DELAWARE: But it’s not Michelle’s job to police Ryan’s behavior. Apparently I misjudged Ryan when I was getting mega blazed with him. He isn’t all that innocent.


BRENNAN: Maybe your first clue should’ve been that he was getting mega blazed.


DELAWARE: Yeah, he was also dealing.


MICHELLE: He dealt?


DELAWARE: Yeah, he was.


MICHELLE: Oh my God, he has learned nothing from me. That manipulative prick tried to seduce me into going to homecoming with him the other day, too.


BRENNAN: He’s not manipulative, he’s just…flawed. Like all of God’s children.


DELAWARE: If God even exists, Ryan would be the berated, emotionally neglected emo child.


BRENNAN: Well, he already is that.


DELAWARE: Oh yeah.


MICHELLE: The point is, I’m not getting back together with Ryan. He has to take care of himself. He almost had me going the other day, but no way.




(Jacob walks over)


JACOB: Hey Delaware, listen, I thought we got off on the wrong foot-


DELAWARE: Oh look, I’m leaving.


(Michelle and Delaware walk away. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten dancing to “Fuck you (clean version)” by Cee Lo Green)


JACOB: The fuck is this? HEY! DJ GUY!


(Pan to the DJ guy, some fat Arabian dude)


DJ: (He stops the music) What?


JACOB: This song’s a little too May 2011 for me. I mean, I feel like we just killed Osama Bin Laden. Which is actually a great feeling, but still. Got anything more recent?


DJ: Let me see.


(He plays “Pumped up Kicks” by Foster the People)


JACOB: Hold the phone! (He shuts off the song) C’mon, that’s way too September 2011 for me. I mean, I still think Rick Perry has a chance. Work with me, here!


DJ: Fine.


(He puts on “Somebody that I used to Know” by Gotye)






(He plays “Too Close” by Alex Clare)


JACOB: There we go.


(Everybody continues dancing when Principal Maxell and Morgan stand on tables with microphones)




(The DJ shuts off the music)


DJ: I’m gonna get paid for this right?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You will be paid in YAHTZEE MONEY if you don’t shut it!


DJ: Yahtzee doesn’t have fake money!


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: SHUT IT! Anyway, Morgan and I are here to make an announcement. No inappropriate dancing will be tolerated at this homecoming. Getting head is fine, but no inappropriate dancing.


DELAWARE: I’m sorry, did you just say getting head is fine?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes. (Silence) Okay, I don’t think it’s fine anymore. Listen, just don’t grind on each other. That is inappropriate, and it’s rape in some states. So don’t do it. Also, no eye contact between dancers. That constitutes a legal marriage in some seven-syllable countries. Alright? We’re representing Hansbay High here. Any questions?


BRANDON: Yes, are surprise trust falls allowed?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: No, two-year old internet sensations are not allowed at all. Thank you.


(Principal Maxell gets down from the table. The music starts back up.  Cut to Ryan leaning against the wall. A girl walks over with no shoes on)


GIRL: Hey, can I have my shoes back?


RYAN: Do you got the dough?


GIRL: I beg your pardon?


RYAN: Sorry, do you have the dough.


GIRL: I don’t understand.


RYAN: If you want your shoes back, you gotta earn it. By paying me. With money.


GIRL: What the fuck is wrong with you?


RYAN: I honestly don’t know.


(The girl scoffs and walks away. Cut back to Jacob and Kirsten. Kirsten seems distracted)


JACOB: Hey, what’s wrong?


KIRSTEN: What? Oh, nothing. I just-um…follow me.


JACOB: Okay.


(Jacob and Kirsten leave the room and go to the area outside the ball room, but there are some people there as well)


KIRSTEN: Damnit, follow me again.


JACOB: I mean, why can’t Ricky hear  what you’re going to tell me?


RICKY: Yeah, why can’t I?


KIRSTEN: Suck a dick, Ricky. Follow me.


(Jacob follows Kirsten out of that area. Cut to Sarah and Brandon sitting at a table, both drinking punch)


BRANDON: Someone definitely put something in this punch.


SARAH: Yeah, I think it was vodka.


BRANDON: Who’s that?


SARAH: No, I mean like, someone put vodka in the punch.


BRANDON: You know, vodka comes from potatoes.


SARAH:  Not all vodka.


BRANDON: That’s…that’s true.


(They sit there, bored for a little bit)


SARAH: The music they play at these things is so awful.


BRANDON: Is it really that bad?


SARAH: It’s terrible. I would much prefer if they played Kindred Stranger.


BRANDON: What do they sound like?


SARAH: Well, let me show you.


(Sarah takes out her phone and puts on “Kindred Stranger”. It’s basic emo screamo and Sarah starts head banging to it, making Brandon uncomfortable. Then, one of Brandon’s friends comes over)


BRANDON’S FRIEND; Hey Brandon, sorry to interrupt your…whatever the hell this is, but there’s a game of Pathfinder going on in the broom closet. Want to join?


BRANDON: What is Pathfinder?


CHAD: It’s the less stigmatic way of saying D n’ D.


BRANDON: Oh. Well, sorry Chad, but I have a date.


CHAD: You mean…




CHAD: Okay. Have fun dating that date of yours. What’s today’s date?


BRANDON: Just go.


CHAD: Yeah.


(Chad leaves. Brandon puts his head in his hands. Cut to Ryan leaning against the wall next to the shoes. Brennan walks over with his date)


BRENNAN: Hey Ryan.


RYAN: Hey.


BRENNAN: Did you see Michelle and her date?


RYAN: Yeah, I did.


BRENNAN: Doesn’t it make you just want to punch him? With his stupid long hair and his stupid, really nice long hair and his stupid good taste in clothing.


RYAN: Sounds like you like the way he looks.


BRENNAN: Maybe, but he’s butting into your game, man.


RYAN: I do hate seeing them together.


BRENNAN: Yeah! Get yourself full of that piss and vinegar and go over and punch him in the face. Well, not the face, because it’s so beautiful, but punch him in the…knee cap.


RYAN: I don’t know, Michelle broke up with me because I was being a jerk to her and I wasn’t willing to change. I made out with her yesterday, but then she acted like she didn’t want to go with me to homecoming.


BRENNAN: She probably does, deep down.


(Suddenly, the scene girl is no longer in the shot)


RYAN: But she’s not, this is homecoming right? And she’s not with me!


BRENNAN: You have to go after her before it’s too late, man; women worsen with age, like a fine wine.


RYAN: Now that I think about it, she is kind of being a fickle little bitch.


BRENNAN: Try to cultivate that anger towards Delaware, not her.


RYAN: But I mean, yesterday she was all “I miss my petulant little Ryan” and now she’s all like “I don’t need that ass-ho, mama can take care of herself, I can kick that bitch to the curb, hmm.”


BRENNAN: I’m not sure why Michelle’s a black woman, but okay.


RYAN: I’m going to talk to her.


BRENNAN: Can you please just punch Delaware anywhere beside his beautiful face? Or cock?


RYAN: Look after the shoes, please.


(Ryan walks away. Brennan leans against the wall and he notices his scene date wandered off)


BRENNAN: Where the fuck…?


(Cut to Delaware and Michelle sitting in the corner. Delaware has his arm around Michelle. Delaware chuckles)




DELAWARE: Nothing, it’s just-I think watching fat girls waddle around is funny.


MICHELLE: Isn’t it?


DELAWARE: They’re jiggling all around, wearing dresses like that’ll make up for it.


(They both laugh)


MICHELLE: That’s so true.


DELAWARE: I’m so glad my imperfections aren’t visible.




(Ryan walks over)


RYAN: Hello, Michelle.




RYAN: Who’s this?


DELAWARE: We got high together like, two weeks ago, do you not remember that?


RYAN: Well, look what the cat dragged in.


DELAWARE: You only say that when someone just arrived, I’ve been at this dance for two hours.


RYAN: Well if it isn’t Delaware Peter- I don’t your last name-


DELAWARE: Then how do you know my middle name?


MICHELLE: What do you want, Ryan?


RYAN: You know what I want? I want you to explain why you made out with me the other day and now you’re suddenly so attached to this faggot emo kid.


MICHELLE: Wow, firstly, way to call the kettle a faggot, secondly, I told you I would consider taking you, but then Delaware asked me out, and now I think this is a better arrangement. You can understand.


RYAN: What did I do wrong?


MICHELLE: First of all, you have a lot of problems and you refuse my help or anyone else’s, secondly, you’re an asshole, thirdly, you were growing tired of me anyway.


RYAN: That is not true-


MICHELLE: You lied about being in Burlington to avoid me, didn’t you?


RYAN: Yeah, but-


MICHELLE: You were becoming infatuated with Sarah, weren’t you?


RYAN: …Yeah.


MICHELLE: Now that Sarah’s dating Brandon, you think I must’ve been the best thing that ever happened to you. This, by the way, is true. I am the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but as they say, “All best things must come to an end”. Best men at weddings eventually die.


DELAWARE: I think you could’ve made your point without the last sentence or two.


MICHELLE: What am I, writing an essay? Look, Ryan, there she is. Over there. Sarah is here with Brandon and do they look particularly jolly?


(Pan to Brandon doing the Charleston in front of an indifferent Sarah. Pan back)


RYAN: Is he doing the Charleston?


MICHELLE: Yeah. He’s a total derp.


RYAN: Does anybody else find that word a little sardonic and condescending?


DELAWARE: Is there any term that South Park invented that isn’t utilized by eighth graders to make others feel like outcasts?


RYAN: I supposed not. But if there’s anyone who should be an outcast, it’s that derp.


(Ryan walks away while Michelle smiles. Cut to Jacob and Kirsten outside the hotel)


KIRSTEN: Damnit, there’s still people out here!


JACOB: Yeah, we’re in public!


KIRSTEN: You know what; let’s just go into this party bus.  (Jacob and Kirsten go into a party bus, the kind that takes students to homecoming. Inside there is a sign that reads “NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL ARE ALLOWED IN THIS BUS” and there is a trash can under the driver’s side that is full of cash and reads “TOTALLY NOT BRIBES” and you can clearly see the bus is full of empty alcohol bottles. Jacob and Kirsten go to the middle area and sit down) Okay, we need to talk in private.


JACOB: We ARE in private! Just tell me.


KIRSTEN: Um…first of all, I know how you said that college was not going to be a major problem for our relationship, because we’ll both be going to colleges in New England.


JACOB: Yeah, we might even go to the same college, who knows?


KIRSTEN: Don’t you want to go to Burlington Community College?


JACOB: That’s just my safety school.


KIRSTEN: Oh, so what’s your ideal school?


JACOB: No, I mean like, I’m going to BCC to get my degree in safety inspection.


KIRSTEN: Why would you want to be a safety inspector?


JACOB: Because I’ve always been fascinated with health inspectors. I mean, they show up out of the blue uninvited like they’re fuckin’ Adele or something, and they write things down while shaking their heads. I mean, that’s power.


KIRSTEN: That’s power to you?


JACOB: Well, I get a power high from getting able to pick the movie my family goes and sees every month, and I haven’t been able to do that since like, April 2010.


KIRSTEN: Listen, I don’t want to go to BCC.




KIRSTEN: I went with my sister on a tour there, and I have never seen so many depressed people in one place, and I’ve been to Quiznos!


JACOB: There’s no way that’s true, only five percent of the world has major depressive disorder.


KIRSTEN: Yeah, your brother, his friends, and everyone at BCC.


JACOB: So what are you saying?


KIRSTEN: I’m saying that I have been accepted to a college in Canada.


JACOB: Oh. Well, that’s fine, Canada’s only like an hour and a half from here.


KIRSTEN: Western Canada.




KIRSTEN: Yeah.  Douglas College’s theatre program. It’s in Vancouver.




KIRSTEN: How do you know that?


JACOB: I get bored on Google Maps sometimes, but the point is, why did you choose that school?! Are you trying to abandon me in the frigid wasteland that is Western Vermont?!


KIRSTEN: I’m going to the frigid wasteland that is Canada!




KIRSTEN: My parents know the President of the school, we have an in.


JACOB: Great, so our relationship has a sequester.


KIRSTEN: A what?


JACOB: A dated end. Our relationship will end in ten months regardless of what we do.


KIRSTEN: We can maintain a long, long, really long, extremely long distance relationship, long. We can Skype, text, call, Facebook, Twitter, we can use semaphores, just think of me as the girl you met on Omegle and you got my number.


JACOB: But Kirsten, you always forget about that girl after a day! Maybe we should just make this relationship baton death march less painful for both of us and just break up.


KIRSTEN: Are you serious?


JACOB: Yes! We both made out with people in front of each other. And to be quite honest, I’m still a little embarrassed to be dating a theatre chick.


KIRSTEN: Oh my…God. I should’ve done this a long time ago.


(Kirsten gets up and walks away as Jacob hangs his head in shame. As Kirsten gets off the bus, a drunk kid in a suit in the back wakes up)


DRUNK KID: WOO! Let’s do this, are we almost at homecoming?


JACOB: Homecoming’s already two hours in.


DRUNK KID: …Damnit.


(Cut to Ryan walking over to Sarah and Brandon. Sarah is listening to her iPod while Brandon does the Gangnam style)


RYAN: Wow, way to be stuck in late September, Brandon.


(He stops doing the dance)


BRANDON: I’m just trying to have a good time, Ryan. And make Sarah notice me.


RYAN: She’s your date for Christ’s sake.


(Ryan pulls the ear buds out of Sarah’s ears)


SARAH: Oh, hey Ryan.


RYAN: Didn’t you see me before?


SARAH: These are sight-cancelling ear buds.


RYAN: Impressive. Anyway, I just wanted to talk to you. In private.


BRANDON: Hey buddy, anything you do with her, you’re doing with me.


SARAH: Let’s go somewhere private.


RYAN: Yeah.


(They walk away together. Brandon looks disappointedly and catches his breath after dancing)


BRANDON: Well…there’s always Pathfinder.


(He walks away. Cut to Ryan and Sarah outside the homecoming ball room)


RYAN: Listen, um…I know you haven’t had the best luck with relationships. Logan was born with a strait jacket on and Brandon was born with carpal tunnel syndrome.


SARAH: (Giggles) Right.


RYAN: But, I think the reason you have terrible luck with guys is because you keep dating the wrong ones. You keep dating outside of your clique. It’s that kind of open-minded attitude that will get you nowhere in high school. (Sarah giggles further, as does Ryan) So, maybe it’s about time you abandon the strait jackets and the carpal tunnel and start dating someone who was born with a gun in his mouth.


(Sarah smiles)


SARAH: Well…I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it.


RYAN: In the last couple weeks of my relationship with Michelle, it’s all I did think about. So what do you say? We could dinner and a movie, movie and a dinner if you play your cards right.


SARAH: What does that even mean?


RYAN: I don’t know.


(They both giggle)


SARAH: …Okay. Sure.


RYAN: Great.


(Ryan begins making out with Sarah, and she acquiesces. They start making out, but then Principal Maxell and Morgan walk out of the ball room to see them)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Whoa! Inappropriate dancing!


(They start making out and they look over at the two)


RYAN: It’s not really dancing, we were just making out.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Oh, is that what they call “giving head” nowadays?! You two are in BIG trouble.


(Morgan begins staring at Principal Maxell with lust)


SARAH: What’s our punishment?


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I am going to tape you to a desk!


RYAN: That’s not legal-




(Morgan starts making out with Principal Maxell, much to Ryan and Sarah’s disgust)


RYAN: Oh my God…


(Michelle and Delaware walk out of the dance and behold what is occurring)


DELAWARE: Ha! Fat people making out. I’ve got to post this to Fatbook.


MICHELLE: Fatbook?


DELAWARE: Facebook I said! (Delaware snaps a picture of it and then puts his phone in his pocket) What should my caption be? “Through evolution, the fat folk adapted long necks so they could reach each other’s faces while making out.”


MICHELLE: How about this?  “Every kiss begins with K-FC!”


(They both laugh hysterically)


RYAN: Wow, really mean.


(Jacob marches in in a huff)


JACOB: I’m in a HUFF!


(Preston walks by with a can of spray paint in his hand and nostrils with spray paint material around them)


PRESTON: Same here, brother. They have everything in that party bus.


(Principal Maxell and Morgan stop making out and turn around)


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Wait, there are illicit substances on the party bus?


PRESTON: You know it.


PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Let’s go Morgan. It’s time to get strict!


(Morgan jumps on Maxell’s back and they run off together)


DELAWARE: That’s a month’s worth of exercise.


PRESTON: I thought he was going to tackle me again.


JACOB: Does nobody care that I’m in a huff?!


SARAH: Not really.


(Cut to Brennan still looking after the shoes)


BRENNAN: Oh my God, has he gotten back together with Michelle yet?


(The girl from earlier comes over with Officer Peterson)


GIRL: Officer, he’s trying to extort money from us using those shoes!


BRENNAN: What? No, I was just waiting here-


OFFICER PETERSON: Sir, you’re under arrest for extortion.


BRENNAN: No, I was looking after them for a different guy, another emo kid, he was taller with darker hair!


GIRL: They all look the same to me. Arrest him.


(Officer Peterson handcuffs Brennan)




(Office Peterson hauls him off and a bunch of girls run over to take their shoes back. Fade to black)



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