The Donahues Episode 45

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ethan tries to blacklist Evan, Kimberly and Ellen try to sabotage each other’s careers, Ryan and Scott get ready for their big fight and Evan and Detective Zimmerman cause problems for Ethan and Dylan’s lighthouse

Submitted: October 25, 2012

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Submitted: October 25, 2012






"These violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume."

- William Shakespeare

(We start with Ethan and Kimberly sitting at the kitchen table in the morning with coffee and toast)

ETHAN: The cold fog of war mists the warm smog of war creeps the numb bong water of war.

KIMBERLY: Please stop.

ETHAN: I’m sorry, war is just a hell of a thing.

(Jacob comes in)

JACOB: War never changes.


(Ryan comes in)

RYAN: He’s just quoting Call of Duty.

ETHAN: Still. Anyway, how are the operations doing?

KIMBERLY: Well we’re not using the Romney strategy of horses and bayonets.

ETHAN: Oh, is that the phrase that will live forever from last night’s debate?

KIMBERLY: Yes. Also, the thing about Romney having the foreign policy of the 1980s, the social policy of the 1950s and the economic policy of the 1920s.

ETHAN: Yeah, that was a real…whatever.

KIMBERLY: Oddly enough, Romney has the education policy of the 1640s. He favors cottage school houses and the flogging of naughty children.

ETHAN: Please don’t get on a horse and wield a bayonet and clip-clop outside of a Romney campaign office.

KIMBERLY: Too late!

ETHAN: Jesus. I don’t know why Romney seemed so distracted at certain points.

KIMBERLY: He was probably worried about his money. It hadn’t texted him in some time.

ETHAN: Listen, we need to focus on our battle plan. Ryan, how is your training going?

RYAN: I’ve been lifting weights while listening to my heaviest metal, this metal is the shit I only break out when I die inside and it’s working.

ETHAN: Good. Do you have group therapy today?

RYAN: Yes. And I’m going to tell everyone we’re having the fight outside my group therapy place.

ETHAN: Awesome. Jacob?

JACOB: I spray painted the Alexander’s fence.

RYAN: What did you write?

JACOB: Purple.

RYAN: You wrote “purple”?

JACOB: No, I spray painted their entire fence purple! Whose fence is purple? They’re gonna freak!

ETHAN: C’MON JACOB! (Pan to the window, revealing the Alexander’s purple fence, then pan back) That is not enough!

JACOB: Well, I don’t want to get caught! If I wrote “JACOB DONAHUE THINKS YOU SUCK” then I would get caught.

RYAN: Then don’t use your name. Easy fix.

ETHAN: Step it up, will you? Kimberly, how is the sabotage going?

KIMBERLY: After I do my investor’s presentation I am going to start on that.

ETHAN: Ugh, fine. We’re almost a week into this thing and we haven’t made much progress besides petty theft and vandalism.

KIMBERLY: Petty theft?

ETHAN: I stol one of their sprinklers. Watch their grass die. HA!

(Cut to Scott on his Zune, walking through the hallway. Ryan walks up to him and he stops and takes his Zune headphones out)

RYAN: Nice Zune, Scott.

SCOTT: iPods are too-

RYAN: Mainstream, yeah I figured that. Listen Scott. You. Me. Behind. Drug. Clinic. After. Group. Therapy.

SCOTT: So we’re going to fight behind the drug clinic after group therapy?

RYAN: Yes. Spread the word.

SCOTT: I already tweeted it, Facebooked it, Tumbled it, Stumbled it, Reddited it-

RYAN: Do you have a stutter?

SCOTT: I reddited it, okay? I also 4Chaned it alongside a picture of a naked black woman eating fried chicken with a ma gusta face.

RYAN: I’m not sure if I want 4Chan people there, but fine. I’ll spread the word too.

(Ryan and Scott shake hands. Cut to Ethan walking into Mayor Sarandon’s office and going up to the secretary)

ETHAN: Is Mayor Sarandon here?

MARIA: Yes, he finally posted bail.

ETHAN: Why did it take him three weeks to be bailed out of jail?

MARIA: He has no friends or family, I don’t know. But eventually I bailed him out because Conan screwed up something with my paycheck only the Mayor could fix. Anyway, would you like to see him?

ETHAN: Yes please.

(Maria buzzes the Mayor)

MARIA: You have a visitor, Mr. Mayor.

MAYOR SARANDON: (Over intercom) Is it my real girlfriend that exists?

MARIA: No, it’s Mr. Donahue.

MAYOR SARANDON: Oh. Send him in. (Ethan walks in and closes the door) What do you want?

ETHAN: Wow, cold greeting.

MAYOR SARANDON: What is it, Donahue?

ETHAN: Brian, let me be Frank.

MAYOR SARANDON: You know, that used to be my pick-up line at clubs.

ETHAN: How is that a pick-up line?

MAYOR SARANDON: My one-night stand name is Frank, so I would cleverly say “Let me be frank” when introducing myself.

ETHAN: Wow, bad. Also, still not really a pick-up line. Anyway, let me be…direct. I am here to ask for a favor. If Evan Alexander approaches you for a job, do NOT hire him. Please.

MAYOR SARANDON: Why shouldn’t I?

ETHAN: Why are you pissed at me?

MAYOR SARANDON: Because you jumped ship and left me flailing. I was indicted, and now court proceedings are going to occur soon, it’s not good.

ETHAN: You were going to use me as the scapegoat! I had to jump ship!

MAYOR SARANDON: I wasn’t going to do that! Why don’t you believe me?

ETHAN: Governor Shumlin told me you would.

MAYOR SARANDON: Governor Shumlin was trying to hire you! He said that so you would come around.

ETHAN: Well, whatever the case may be, I couldn’t put myself in danger like that.

MAYOR SARANDON: You didn’t bail me out!

ETHAN: You didn’t call me! What was three weeks in the clink like anyway?

MAYOR SARANDON: It was great, Ethan, thanks for fucking asking.

ETHAN: Just don’t hire Evan Alexander.

MAYOR SARANDON: I will do what I please. Now leave.

ETHAN: Fine! (Ethan leaves the room. Cut to Ethan talking to the owner of a Chinese Restaurant in the kitchen of a Chinese restaurant) Ever heard of spitting in people’s food?

CHINESE RESTAURANT OWNER: (Asian accent) No, I have not.

ETHAN: Oh. Well I was about to say that he’ll jerk off in people’s food, but…

CHINESE RESTAURANT OWNER: What is jerking off?

ETHAN: Um…it’s like…what you do when you see pictures of Chairman Mao. (Cut to Ethan talking to the owner of a Laundromat in a Laundromat) He’ll put kids in the laundry machines for fun.

LAUNDROMAT OWNER: That’s my job though!

ETHAN: Wow. (Cut to Ethan talking to Ellen’s milk man while standing outside of his milk truck holding a half-gallon of milk) He’s the husband of the woman you’re banging.

MILKMAN: Which one?

ETHAN: How many women in this neighborhood are you banging?

MILKMAN: No, I mean are you sure you have the right milk man? She bangs a lot of them now.

(Cut to Ellen, Evan, Scott, Dirk’s Warriors and Detective Zimmerman sitting around a table. Ellen is sipping root beer from a stein. She slams it down, splashing it on some nearby people)

ELLEN: DAMNT! Those imbeciles vandalized our fence! Now we have a goddamn purple fence. It looks like Barney came on our fence!


ELLEN: Scott, what’s the deal with Ryan?

SCOTT: Wow, loaded question. But I’m going to beat the fluids out of him tonight after group therapy.

ELLEN: Good. Evan, what are you doing to make sure the Donahues get their due?

EVAN: I’m still looking for a job, but I have thrown stuff at Ethan’s light house.

ELLEN: No, I need you to CRASH into it!

EVAN: Right, but that would require a boat and like I mentioned, I ain’t employed.

ELLEN: Damnit. We need money for a boat. Unless we stole one.

EVAN: Bingo!

ELLEN: Who has a boat that we know?

EVAN: Um…bingo?

ELLEN: What?

SCOTT: I don’t know anybody who has a boat.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I have a police boat you can borrow.

EVAN: Bingo!

ELLEN: Stop saying that. But yes.

(Cut to a bunch of HOA people in the HOA meeting room, talking. Ellen is absent)

KELLY: So I bought a size of shoe that clearly didn’t fit when I tried it on in the store, so when I came back, I raised hell.

KATHY: But you bought the shoes willingly.

(Kimberly walks in)

KIMBERLY: Oh, if it isn’t the four Ks.

KATHY: What?

KIMBERLY: Kathy, Kelly, Kimberly and Katie.

KATIE: Whoa, I never noticed that.

KIMBERLY: Yeah, we could’ve replaced Kathie Lee any day. Speaking of Kathie Lee, I heard Ellen is becoming rather power-hungry, huh?

KATHY: Yeah, she’s being a real big, honking bitch. Why? Are you thinking of returning as our leader?

KIMBERLY: No. God no. No! No. But, I think your current leader, Kelly can easily take over this HOA. NO!

KELLY: How? Lydia’s coalition has more members, therefore they elected Ellen President.

KIMBERLY: True. Well I guess there’s nothing you can do-WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE. This idea just now came to my head. She can’t be the HOA President if she herself has more than three violations of HOA Charter rules, correct?

KATHY: That’s what the rules say, yes.

KIMBERLY: Follow me.

(Cut to Kimberly, Kathy, Kelly and Katie standing outside the Alexander household. The fence is still purple and there is a guard dog tied to a stake)

KATHY: My fuck! Her fence is not an approved color.

KATIE: And dogs cannot be tied to stakes in front yards! We’re not mindless cretins in Alabama or its northern equivalent, New Jersey!

KELLY: But Kimberly, these are only two violations.

KIMBERLY: Quite the contrary, Kelly. Doesn’t her chimney seem longer than it was last week?

(They all look up at her chimney)

KELLY: My God, I think it is.

KATHY: This is gold. Let’s take pictures!

(They all start taking pictures with their phones. Kimberly turns around and gives a thumbs-up to Jacob, who is across the street at the Donahue household side yard lighting a bong. He notices Kimberly, throws the bong and gives a thumbs-up. Kimberly shakes her head and turns back)

KIMBERLY: Well, I’m done here.

(Kimberly leaves. Cut to Evan at the dock of Lake Champlain with Detective Zimmerman. Ethan’s light house is in the background)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Listen, this Ethan asshole fucked the love of my life, and just because the love of my life happens to be his spouse doesn’t mean that he can do that.

EVAN: Totally…wait, what?

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I saved his son from near death and he gets pissed at me for sleeping with his wife. Whatever happened to gratitude?

EVAN: Yeah, I don’t know, if someone was sleeping with my wife, I’d be pretty pissed.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Yeah…good thing that’s not happening.

EVAN: Yeah. Yeah!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Let’s just get on the boat.

EVAN: Good idea.

(Detective Zimmerman and Evan board the boat. They start up the boat and go off. Cut to Ethan manning the Burlington Breakwater lights alongside Dylan)

ETHAN: Another day, another dollar. Another day at the races. Same shit, different day.

DYLAN: Please stop. We need to focus anyway, alright? It’s a holiday, people get crazy drunk in celebration and they drive boats around the lake, it creates a hazard.

ETHAN: What holiday is it?

DYLAN: Macedonian Revolutionary Day.

ETHAN: I don’t know if that’s widely celebrated in the United States.

DYLAN: Well, neither’s your dick.

ETHAN: That’s true.

(A boat crashes into the lighthouse, namely Zimmerman’s boat)


(Cut to Evan holding his head while in the control room of the run aground boat while Zimmerman sits near him)

EVAN: AHH! GOD DAMNIT! That hurt! Is there like a life raft out there conveniently positioned for me to land in?!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: No, that’s only it Italy!

EVAN: Mama mia!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I just realized that this plan had to entail me wrecking my very expensive boat.

EVAN: Yeah! Were you not aware of that?!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I didn’t think that far ahead!


DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: You can’t get there from here!




DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Hey, no need to get personal!

EVAN: I think I’m bleeding.

(Cut to Ethan and Dylan looking over to see the boat)

ETHAN: Who are those people?

DYLAN: The boat is called the “U.S.S Invader Zimmerman”.

ETHAN: Oh my God, that’s Detective Zimmerman’s boat! Wow, what a bad name. Although I guess it’s better than the “U.S.S George Zimmerman’s Boat, Please Don’t Burn”.

DYLAN: I’ll go apprehend the suspects.

ETHAN: I think it’s a pretty cut and dry case, can’t we just call them perps?

DYLAN: They’re not wearing sparies or polos, so no.

ETHAN: Do you think I said “preps”?

DYLAN: I’m dyslexic!

ETHAN: In your…ears?

DYLAN: All this time we’re talking could be time for me to go arrest these preps.

ETHAN: Fine.

(Dylan runs down stairs, exits the lighthouse, goes over to the boat and knocks on the door. Evan and George open the door. Evan has a steak on his head while George is smoking a cigar)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Is there a problem, officer? (He looks toward the camera and does a Groucho Marx impression) Did I run a stop sign?

DYLAN: No, you didn’t and what are you looking at?

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I find it easier to do my Groucho Marx impression when in precarious situations. It lightens the mood.

DYLAN: By the power vested in me by the United States Coast Guard, you are under arrest for damage to federal property.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: (Looks toward the camera) Sounds like my wedding night!

DYLAN: That…no!

(Cut to Dylan bringing Evan and Detective Zimmerman into the light house. As Ethan walks in, a coast guard dog goes over and smells Detective Zimmerman’s pants)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: (Looks toward the camera) It must smell my wife!

ETHAN: Are you implying your wife is a dog?


EVAN: What do you want, Donahue?

ETHAN: I want you to pay for the damage you inflicted upon federal property?

EVAN: Well, I don’t exactly have the money for that, because you blacklisted me everywhere!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: It’s not his boat anyway,

ETHAN: Well, we need money from someone. Who’s it going to be?

(Evan and Zimmerman look at each other, and then Zimmerman looks at the camera)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I’d volunteer, but I’m afraid my hands are tied!

EVAN: Jesus.

(Cut to Kimberly outside a door in an office building waiting while wearing a woman’s suit and holding a flash drive. Rob is sitting right next to her, also in a suit)

ROB: You’ll be fine.

KIMBERLY: I know, but I’m worried about whether you’ll be fine.

ROB: Oh, I’ll be more than fine. Trust me; I know how to work a room. I once took a walk of confidence into a bachelor party I wasn’t even invited to, and it took them like ten minutes to throw me out.


ROB: I hid in a coat closet.

KIMBERLY: How is that working the room?

ROB: I worked that coat closet. I got a lot of lint for my lint collection.

KIMBERLY: This is not increasing my confidence.

ROB: You’ll be lint. I mean, you’ll be fine.

(A man leans his head out of the doorway)

MAN: We’re ready for you.

KIMBERLY: Okay. Let’s go. (Rob and Kimberly get up and go into the room, which is full of rich old people. Cut to outside. Ellen is standing there holding Kimberly’s flash drive, devilishly giggling. Cut to Kimberly and Rob at the head of the room while the rich old people watch. There is a projector set-up and a laptop with a flash drive in it) Hello-

ROB: Jerry, hello!

KIMBERLY: Rob, let me speak.

ROB: That was Seinfeld.

KIMBERLY: I know, just focus.

ROB: I’m focused.

KIMBERLY: Great. Ladies and gentleman, forget everything you know about racquetball supply companies and learn everything there is to know about Altmire Racquetball Supply Incorporated.


KIMBERLY: No, we’re not a Limited Liability Company.

ROB: Yeah, but we’re an LLC!

MAN: Wait, this is a limited liability company?

KIMBERLY: No, it’s not!

ROB: Yeah, it’s not! It’s a Less, Lower…Costs company.

MAN: So, it’s a higher cost company?

ROB: Wha-no.

KIMBERLY: It’s a regular company, not an LLC. Is that clear? (Everybody moans in agreement) Great. Now I bring this idea to your investment club for seven reasons. I condense them into five reasons for the purpose of time. Reason number one, it is a viable business model that entails selling quality racquetball equipment we buy from factories in the small Asian country of Cheking and selling them at a substantial profit to local gymnasiums. School gymnasiums, community gyms and of course birth coaching classes.

MAN: Why would birthing classes need racquetball equipment?

KIMBERLY: Well, Mr. Trinity, the balls are hollow and rubber, which means it’s much safer for pregnant women to play coochsketball with them rather than the harder tennis or medicine balls.

MR. TRINITY: What is coochsketball?

KIMBERLY: We’re getting off topic.

ROB: The topic is, we believe that we can make a profit by the year 2014, possibly 2015. That means money all around, hey-o!

KIMBERLY: We believe in strength, efficiency, soundness of product and customer service. But why tell you-

(Cut to Ellen in the hallway)

ELLEN: Man, I’m so nervously excited for when I see the look on her face! Maybe there’ll be a cat fight! I need my cigarettes. (She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a flash drive labeled “Kimberly Embarassment”) OH SHIT.

(Cut back to Kimberly)

KIMBERLY: When I could show you-

(Ellen bursts in)

ELLEN: Excuse me, there is a fire in the building!

MR. TRINITY: We don’t have time for fire, we need to see this presentation!

KIMBERLY: That’s not really the right attitude to have during a fire, but it doesn’t matter because she’s lying, she’s trying to sabotage me.

ELLEN: Kimberly, I need that flash drive in the laptop there.


ELLEN: I want to…see your business plan. I’ll help you.

KIMBERLY: Our families are at war, why would I help you?

ANOTHER INVESTOR: Your families are at war?

MR. TRINITY: What are you, a mafia member?

KIMBERLY: No, of course not, we’re just two families warring over slight indiscretions, it happens.

ANOTHER INVESTOR: Yeah, in the mafia.

MR. TRINITY: No thank you.

(Rob takes out the flash drive)

ROB: This flash drive is labeled “The Milky Way is the Sex Way”?



(Rob puts it in and opens the attachment to reveal a picture of a naked Ellen pouring milk all over the naked milkman, much to everybody’s disgust)

ELLEN: THAT is not me!

KIMBERLY: That is clearly you!

ELLEN: Yeah, but that was an experiment during college, I was…a lost soul.

ROB: It’s kinda weird that you looked 48 in college.

ELLEN: I aged poorly.

KIMBERLY: And you haven’t aged since?

MR. TRINITY: Does this pertain to us? We don’t want to be involved in a mafia war. Except for the Facebook kind.

KIMBERLY: I’m not from the mafia, okay? Will you invest?

MR. TRINITY: No way, I don’t want to get shot. Let’s go, boys. I heard it’s bingo night at the bingo parlor.

(They leave)

KIMBERLY: God damnit!

ROB: Not all presentations will-

KIMBERLY: Shut up!

ELLEN: Kimberly, I will pay you legit cash money not to disseminate those lude photographs.

KIMBERLY: No! This is a war of honor. And there’s no honor in bribery. I will use this at my discretion.

(Kimberly takes the flash drive and Rob and her leave Ellen stunned. Cut to Ryan and Scott sitting in his drug therapy with a bunch of other people in a circle)

SCOTT: Hey, let’s all get the same girl pregnant.

RYAN: But then we’d all be fathers.

ANOTHER KID: Plus, that’s impossible.

SCOTT: Oh I see, Cooper, so girls can have pregnancy pacts but I can’t have a pregnancy pact? Double standards.

COOPER: …We could have a suicide pact.


ANOTHER STUDENT: I could see that.

RYAN: Definitely.

(Mr. Proskovec comes in and sits down)

MR. PROSKOVEC: Hello, gentleman. So, let’s start where we left off last session.

COOPER: We left off at talking about corn fields.

SOME STUDENT: But that took us to corn, which took us to Children of the Corn, which took us to Scott’s Ritalin addiction.


SOME STUDENT: Don’t ask me.

MR. PROSKOVEC: Well, Scott, would you like to share that part of your life with us?

SCOTT: Um, well…I don’t have ADD or ADHD or even ADDDHD. However, I wanted to do better in school so my girlfriend Barbara, my favorite little enabler, lent me some of her prescription Vyvanse and it felt pretty damn good. You get an amphetamine rush and you just talk, about anything really and everything seems really interesting. So Barbara and I did it together for a while, but then she stopped giving it to me once she realized the danger of it. I had to start trolling random ADHD sufferers for Vyvanse and eventually, she broke up with me over it. (Ryan looks at Scott with sympathetic eyes) The fight I had with Ryan was kind of a blessing in disguise, because I needed help.

MR. PROSKOVEC: Well, I’m glad you recognize that. The first step is talking about it. Ryan, do you have anything to share today?

RYAN: …No.

MR. PROSKOVEC: Really? Nothing about you and your psycho buddy Michael throwing glow sticks at passing cars?

RYAN: No, I haven’t done X in a few days.

MR. PROSKOVEC: Very well. Good job. Cooper?

COOPER: Well, I’m organizing a suicide pact instead of a group suicide, so that way we choose whether or not we want to kill ourselves separately rather than having the peer pressure of a communal suicide.

MR. PROSKOVEC: That’s progress.

(Cut to Jacob, Ross, Peter, Beckett, Lilly, Preston, Natasha, Kirsten, Cooper, Brennan, Michael, Michelle, Delaware, Brandon, Chandler, Paul, Cassandra and Sarah behind the drug clinic waiting for Ryan and Scott)

JACOB: I got three dollars on Ryan!

ROSS: That’s not that much money.


ROSS: Okay, calm down!

BECKETT: Ryan’s going down, you kidding me? If one of his straightened hairs becomes tangled with another, he’ll collapse like a ton of bricks on the tip of a pencil.

JACOB: I don’t know, he showed me a montage of him working out. It looked pretty convincing.

DELAWARE: I think Ryan will be decimated like the forests of Eden.

MICHELLE: Are you trying to incorporate a song lyric into a conversation?


(Ryan and Scott walk up from opposite sides as the crowd cheers and pull out their phones. They both look apathetic, but try to put on tough faces. Preston goes up in front of everybody)

PRESTON: Attention everyone, tonight, only on YouTube-per view, it’s Donahue V. Alexander. Who will win? Who will lose? That is the question.

BRENNAN: Did that really need to be said?

PRESTON: In one corner, you have Ryan Donahue, who is livid at Scott Alexander for flirting with Ryan’s girlfriend Sarah. In the other corner, you have Scott Alexander, who is dying of love, wanting Sarah’s sloppy wet pussy in his face more and more every day.

SARAH: Wow. Really inappropriate, right?

PRESTON: Before they fight, we need trash talk. Ryan, you first.

(Preston goes back in the crowd)

RYAN: Um…oh! Scott! You flirted with my girlfriend! I’m so mad about this still. Um…I’m sorry, does this feel forced to you?

SCOTT: Yeah, I’m definitely forcing it.

RYAN: Yeah, we don’t think we’re going to fight anymore.

(Scott and Ryan relax their muscles and the whole crowd groans except for Sarah, who smiles)

JACOB: What the hell, Ryan? This is war! You have to beat the shit out of Scott, those are dad’s orders!

RYAN: Fuck dad. Jacob, Scott is just a kid who made a mistake. Him and I, we’re not that different. The only difference is our preference in drugs, music and clothing. As in, he does Ritalin, I do X. He listens to garbled diarrhea noises with a British accent and calls it too complex for us to understand and I listen to good music. I wear skinny jeans, he wears skinny jeans but decides for some fucking reason, that everybody wants to see his ankles. Besides that, what’s different? We both do drugs, we’re both misunderstood, we both have ex-girlfriends who we alienated, I mean, come on.

SCOTT: While we’re at it, can we talk about how Sarah and Michelle are exactly alike?

(Brief pause. Ryan punches Scott in the face, landing a knockout as everybody gasps)

RYAN: We’re also both kind of dicks. Great! I’ll see you all on Wednesday. (Ryan begins to walk away) Make sure he’s okay.

(Ryan leaves and Sarah catches up with him, whisking him away)

(Cut to Detective Zimmerman and Evan tied up at the top of the tower in chairs while Ethan and Dylan look at them)

ETHAN: We need the money NOW. Not tomorrow, not in an hour, not yesterday, but NOW.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: You’ll get your money! As long as you lift that cigar and put it in my mouth.


DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Then how am I supposed to say witty things?!

ETHAN: You crashed your boat into federal property. We need about 10,000 dollars.

EVAN: Well, I don’t have 10,000 dollars to spend, unless I want to start blowing vagrants on the street for beanie babies.


DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Whoa, calm your tits!

ETHAN: My breasts are exceedingly tranquil, thank you. But I want that money. How are you going to get it, Detective? That is your boat after all.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Well…I recently busted an underground sex slavery ring and I’m supposed to give the money the ring had earned to the government, but I could give it to you…

DYLAN: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that.

ETHAN: Yeah, neither am I.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Okay then, I could just write you a check.

ETHAN: Wait, writing a check was your SECOND option?!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Untie me so I can write the check.

ETHAN: Fine.

(Ethan unties Zimmerman and he gets out his checkbook, tears out a check and begins writing one)


ETHAN: (At the same time as Dylan) The United States Coast Guard.

DYLAN: (At the same time as Ethan) Dylan Sharp.


DYLAN: Fine.

(Zimmerman writes the check and gives it to Ethan)

ETHAN: Thank you.

EVAN: You know, I sure wish I was earning some of those.

ETHAN: Trust me Evan, you’ll never work in this town again. Not this town, not that town, not any town.

EVAN: What about that town?

ETHAN: Not that one either.

EVAN: What if I join the army?

ETHAN: Then you’ll come home and be homeless anyay. Problem solved! Now get out of my sight. Both of you.

(Dylan unties Evan and Evan and Zimmerman walk away)


(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and Evan sitting in his office across from each other. Evan has a sombrero in his hand)

MAYOR SARANDON: So, Mr. Donahue has a beef with you, huh?

EVAN: Yes. He blacklisted me all over the city like I’m a communist.

MAYOR SARANDON: My father Spencer was a huge blacklister, he kept the whole NAACP unemployed.

EVAN: Because they were communists or because they were black?

MAYOR SARANDON: What do you think blacklisting is? (Chuckles) So, I sympathize with your plight. Despite not being black nor a communist, you have still been blacklisted. That is a tergery. So, what do you think of working here for me?

EVAN: Oh gee, that’d be real special, mister. But aren’t you friends with Mr. Donahue?

MAYOR SARANDON: Not at the moment, no. I watched the debates with him, but I was desperate for company that night. Since he jumped shift and left grasping at legal straws, there’ve been feelings of bitterness.

EVAN: Ah. Hell, what would I do here, mister?

MAYOR SARANDON: You will be my new chief of staff.

EVAN: You haven’t picked a chief of staff since Ethan left?

MAYOR SARANDON: It’s only been a month and a half. I’ve had a homeless person coordinate staff functions since mid-September. The only problem is most of these functions include fires in the trash can.

EVAN: But there’s heating in this building.

MAYOR SARANDON: It makes him feel at home. Or rather, homeless.

EVAN: Mr. Mayor, I would be honored to accept the job. I coordinated staff functions at the HOA for three years and I appreciate the step-up. Especially since I was mere weeks away from resorting to blowing vagrants for beanie babies. You know how much those things go for nowadays?

MAYOR SARANDON: Ignoring that, welcome aboard!

(Mayor Sarandon and Evan shake hands. Cut to Ellen walking up to Ethan’s house while Kimberly is sitting a lawn chair on her lawn)

ELLEN: Oh, hello Kimberly.

KIMBERLY: Hello, Ellen. How are you and the milkman?

(Kimberly holds up the flash drive)

ELLEN: Do you intend to extort money from me?

KIMBERLY: It seems to me Ellen, that our whole relationship is just a big game of he extorts, she extorts. But I have more integrity than that. I will save this for future use.

ELLEN: Use in extortion?

KIMBERLY: Most likely.

ELLEN: So you don’t have more integrity than that?

KIMBERLY: Listen, I don’t need this flash drive when I already got you out of office.

ELLEN: What are you talking about? (Kimberly points to Ellen’s house across the street and she turns around to see it) I don’t see anything.

KIMBERLY: You have to go to your door.

ELLEN: Oh, okay. (Ellen walks over to her door and takes a flyer off of it) Inexpensive lawn care? Sounds like a solid deal.

KIMBERLY: NO, THE VIOLATION NOTICE! (Ellen notices a violation notice, pulls it off and reads it) What the fuck is this? THREE VIOLATIONS? I’m not HOA President anymore?!

(Kimberly walks over)

KIMBERLY: That’s right. HOA Charter subsection A-B 1231 explicitly states-

(Ellen turns around)

ELLEN: Don’t quote the HOA charter at ME! I memorized subsection A-B 1231 by listening to a tape of it all night in my sleep.

KIMBERLY: Too bad that extremely useful knowledge will not come in handy in any other jobs.

ELLEN: This is some bu-shit!

KIMBERLY: Your chimney is higher than it was last week, that’s not our fault.

ELLEN: YOU REALIZE THAT’S JUST SOMETHING WE MAKE UP, RIGHT?! And you still haven’t shortened your driveway!

KIMBERLY: Well, you did just say it was made-up.

ELLEN: So who’s going to be HOA President now, huh?!

KIMBERLY: Probably Lydia.

ELLEN: So I’ll still get a lot of what I want?


ELLEN: Alright, well. This is still somewhat disappointing.

KIMBERLY: I’m inclined to agree with you.

ELLEN: What do you mean, I thought this was what you wanted.

KIMBERLY: I thought I did, but now it seems petty and mean. I don’t even remember what I’m pissed about.

ELLEN: I was pissed at you for not spying on Scott, so I tried to selectively enforce HOA rules on you, and that helped begin the conflict, and I tried to sabotage your business presentation, which kind of worked actually because they thought you were in the mob.

KIMBERLY: It probably wouldn’t have gone well irregardless of whether you were involved or not.

ELLEN: Irregardless is not a word.

KIMBERLY: Hey I’m trying to be apologetic here, okay?

ELLEN: Okay.

KIMBERLY: But yeah, this is all kind of stupid.

ELLEN: Yeah, it is. Why are we doing this?

KIMBERLY: I don’t know.

(Jacob charges past Ellen and Kimberly, into Ellen’s house and kicks one of her banister columns until it breaks off)

JACOB: WOO! Take that, this is WAR!

KIMBERLY: JACOB! War’s over, okay?

JACOB: What? Why?

KIMBERLY: Because it’s petty and meaningless. Get over here. (Jacob comes over there) Apologize.

JACOB: I’m sorry I broke your banister.

ELLEN: That’s okay.

JACOB: I’m also sorry I spray painted your fence purple.

ELLEN: No, it’s commendable. It must’ve taken forever.

JACOB: My finger still has blisters.

(Jacob holds up his index finger to reveal a huge blister)

KIMBERLY: Jesus, we told you to spray-paint a message, not do a fence-wide rendition of Picasso’s purple period.

(Ethan walks over)

ETHAN: How does it taste, BITCH?!

ELLEN: How does what taste, my saliva?

KIMBERLY: Ethan, the war’s over.

ETHAN: What? But her husband crashed his boat into my lighthouse!

(Evan walks over with a suit on)

EVAN: I also got a job at the Mayor’s office as his Chief in Staff.

ETHAN: WHAT?! Also, it’s Chief OF Staff. But still, WHAT?! I blacklisted you there!

EVAN: Yeah, but Mayor Sarandon’s kind of piassed at you about something or another, so he hired me.

ETHAN: Damnit! I thought that might happen. Well, it’s not that great a job! You have to massage the Mayor every time he’s stressed, angry, sad or even happy. He says massages help him when he’s happy because that way he becomes happier! It’ll be exhausting.

EVAN: It’ll be a job, though.

(Ryan, Scott and Sarah walk over)

SARAH: I’m so sorry about this.

SCOTT: (Speaking quickly) Man, wow, everybody’s over here in a circle, what is this, a U.N. meeting?

(They both laugh)

RYAN: (Speaking quickly) I’d like to move on a resolution to shut up!

(They both laugh)

ETHAN: Like, for you guys to shut up? Because you guys need to.

SCOTT: We’ll shut up once the world shuts us up, because we won’t shut up until told to shut up by a higher authority unless that higher authority is the pope because eif the pope tells us to shut up we’ll be like “You protected child molesters, bitch!” and it’ll be crazy-

ELLEN: Take a breath! Are you two on Vyvanse?

RYAN: Yes, we’re on Vyvanse, what’s it you? I’m hungry, but once I eat I’m not hungry anymore! What’s up with that?

ETHAN: Shh. Okay? How did the fight go?

SCOTT: We didn’t have the fight, we decided it was stupid.

ETHAN: Great, everyone’s given up on this war.

UNKNOWN VOICE: We haven’t.

(Pan to Dirk’s Warriors and Detective Zimmerman, all holding up guns pointed at each and every one of them. They all put up their hands)


PHILLIP: We know you do. But we still want something.


DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: First and foremost-

PHILLIP: Not foremost, necessarily-

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Why does it matter? We have guns.


DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: The most important thing we want is my 10,000 dollars back.

(Ethan gets out the check)


(Zimmerman walks over and takes the check from Ethan and then walks back to the group and points the gun)

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Okay, the next thing we want is-

PHILLIP: I’LL say the next thing. We want a confession. On tape.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I could’ve said that so much better. We want a confession, ON tape!

PHILLIP: You put the emphasis on the word “on”, that doesn’t make any sense.

ETHAN: A confession of what?

PHILLIP: That you committed the crimes the media and Detective Zimmerman has accused you of.

RYAN: Why would you want that?! I thought you guys were after Brennan!

PHILLIP: Let’s just say the success of our enterprise depends on the success of Detective Zimmerman’s career.

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I’m trying to get a job with the Attorney General’s Office, where I could make boatloads of buttloads of buckloads of money.

PHILLIP: If he makes more money, he buys more drugs to sell to us so we can sell those drugs to the teenagers of Western Vermont. But his promotion requires breaking open a huge case, much like yours. So we need that confession OR we’ll waste some of your family members.

ETHAN: OKAY! FINE! I’ll confess. (Ethan walks up to them and Zimmerman holds out an audio recorder and presses record) I, Ethan Donahue, confess to bribery, extortion and embezzlement of public funds.





DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Good. (Zimmerman turns off the recorder and pushes Ethan away. Ethan walks back to his group. Detective Zimmerman holds up the recorder) This is a good old-fashioned confession on an audio recorder. I’m going to take this baby all the way to the District Attorney’s Office, where I’m soon going to work and get blowies every day at, and I’m going to turn this in as a confession. You’re likely to get hard time, Donahue. This-

(A bullet rips through the audio recorder, sending pieces everywhere as everybody ducks. Dirk’s Warriors and Zimmerman turn around with their guns drawn to see Logan wielding a shotgun)

LOGAN: Looks like you’re recording time is up.

PHILLIP: That’s not even a good line!

DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Plus, you’re outnumbered considerably, four to one.

LOGAN: You’re in a residential area. And I don’t mean to be condescending, but in the year 2012, people have telephones and they can use them not just to ignore their families, but to call the authorities.

(Gun-cocking is heard. Pan to the left to see Sherriff Warren and Dylan pointing guns at Dirk’s Warriors. They turn to look that way and do not put down their weapons)

SHERIFF WARREN: If you don’t put those weapons down I’ll shoot all five of you.

AARON: There are only four of us.

SHERIFF WARREN: Wait, so the crazy kid over there isn’t associated with you?

LOGAN I’m pointing a SHOTGUN at them!

GRIMES: You guys are still outnumbered

(Farmer John comes out of his house wielding a shotgun and walks towards them)

FARMER JOHN: What are ya sons of bitches doin’ in my corn field?!

ETHAN: A half-crazy pretend farmer saves the day!

PHILLIP: …Fine. Fucking fine. We’ll go peacefully.

(Phillip, Aaron and Grimes put down their weapons and slide them across the pavement. They are all subsequently arrested as the Donahues and Alexanders simultaneously breathe in relief. Cut to Ryan and Sarah talking in the street after the scuffle)

RYAN: Um…so that guy you saw with the shotgun was Logan.

SARAH: Yeah, I realize that. Why are you guys hiding him?

RYAN: Because we were coerced into it.

SARAH: Didn’t people see him just now?

RYAN: The Alexanders did, but I don’t think there’s any ill will between the two of us now. Plus, Dylan and Sherriff Warren are corrupt as fuck so we paid them to keep them quiet.

SARAH: It sounds like you guys are digging yourselves into a deeper and deeper hole of bribery-

RYAN: Sorry I was so obsessed with kicking his ass, I mean the whole culture of honor thing is so irrational, this isn’t the south for God’s sake, if you looked at this house from a different angle, would it still be a house?

SARAH: Shh. Quiet. I’m glad you realized, nay, avoided your mistake. Especially since your probably would’ve lost.

RYAN: Well, thanks, now I have to prove you wrong.

(They both smile and start making out. Cut to Ellen and Kimberly talking)

KIMBERLY: Sorry about making you lose your job and stuff.

ELLEN: No, it’s fine. I’ve decided I don’t want that job anyway.


ELLEN: Yeah. Now that my husband has the Mayor’s ear I can make some REAL changes.

KIMBERLY: Wow. Um, like what exactly?

ELLEN: Oh, you’ll see.

KIMBERLY: Like maybe a median on Steno street?

ELLEN: Yeah, that’d be nice.

KIMBERLY: Here’s your flash drive back.

(Kimberly offers it to her)

ELLEN: Keep it.

(Cut to Ethan and Evan talking)

ETHAN: Sorry about the whole conflict thing. We should’ve realized we weren’t the Capulets and the Montagues.

EVAN: Yeah. And hopefully our sons aren’t star-crossed lovers.

(Ethan laughs)

ETHAN: They’re such faggots, right?

EVAN: Right! Oh my lord!

(Fade to black)


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