“A VERY SLENDER HALLOWEEN”
“I open my eyes, with fear I face life while you befriended fear and face death. Reality stabs me with a sharp knife. Can't we just go back to the time we met?”
(We start with Ryan on his laptop in bed, looking sleep-deprived and terrified with empty cans of Monster and Mountain Dew everywhere. His alarm clock reads “3:07 AM, WED OCT 31 2012”)
RYAN: I can’t believe this shit. The slender man is going to kill me. No, you’re talking crazy, Ryan! You have to think rationally here. But maybe that’s what the slender man wants, for us to not believe in him. Damnit, this is circular logic! I think. I’ve always thoughtthat’s what that means. Well, now I have to look up circular logic. Let me go to Wikipedia… (Ryan presumably types in the Wikipedia address and looks up “circular logic”) Circular reasoning (also known as paradoxical thinking or circular logic), is a logical fallacy in which "the reasoner begins with what he or she is trying to end up with". So like, an example of circular logic is “The Slender Man exists because the Slender Man…exists.” AH! Damnit, that’s scary. Okay, don’t worry Ryan. Just go to sleep. In the morning, you’ll wake up and you won’t even be thinking about the Slender Man. Let me put on my hypnosis video.
(Ryan goes to YouTube and looks up “Stara Institute Hypnosis” and goes to a video called “Sleep Hypnosis with Kelsey” with a blonde girl in a red tie against a blue background. Ryan goes over to turn the lights off and then he lies down in bed, putting the laptop near him so he can watch the video and try and fall asleep. Very relaxing music is playing in the background of the video)
KELSEY: Hello there. In a moment, you are going to feel very relaxed, drowsy and sleepy. Do not listen to this video while you are driving or operating heavy machinery. You might fall asleep and accidentally take a life. But let’s not think about that right now. Find a safe place where you can comfortably lay or sit down and be totally undisturbed for an hour or so. If someone disturbs you, I will come out of the laptop like the in The Ring and strangle them. (She winks) Is that winking thing cute? Does it make you feel at ease? I’ve been trying that recently in my hypnosis videos. My boyfriend doesn’t like it, but he broke up with me after I hypnotized him on camera anyway, so fuck him. We’re getting off topic. All you have to do is listen to the sound of my voice. At some point, you may lose track of what I am saying to you. It is perfectly alright when this happens. Just know that this video is an hour long and you might wake up at some point, look over to your computer and find a ridiculously creepy close-up of my eyes staring at you while you sleep. We do that to scare you into going back to sleep. Make yourself comfortable now. Sit up straight, with your feet flat on the floor.
(Ryan sits up straight)
KELSEY: But just allow yourself to be as lazy as you could ever want to be.
RYAN: I never allow myself to not be as lazy as I ever want to be.
(Ryan lies back down)
KELSEY: But don’t get too comfortable!
KELSEY: I want you to focus all of your attention on my eyes.
KELSEY: Three, two, one, sleep. (Ryan’s eyes shut) Still picturing my eyes with your eyes closed. Let go all of your stress, your worries. All of your worries about school and what people say about you behind your back; just let those worries go. (Ryan’s eyes open) Let go of all of your worries, even the one about everyone you love being dead right now and you not knowing it, don’t even devote a single thought to that. Just allow yourself to drift. And float. Drift. And float. (Ryan’s eyes close again) Noticing perhaps, your breathing. The weight of your head on the pillow. The temperature in the room. Maybe that man who is standing in the corner of your room. (Ryan’s eyes open and he looks in the corner) I’m fucking with you, man, relax! (Ryan turns back around and lies his head down and closes his eyes) Just remember to think about your breathing. Because who doesn’t do that? It would especially help if you were stoned and listening to this.
(Cut to Ethan and Kimberly talking in the morning in the kitchen)
KIMBERLY: So, today is the big deadline for Donald Trump’s demands to be met isn’t it?
KIMBERLY: He will let kids go hungry if the President doesn’t release his college transcripts, huh?
ETHAN: Hey, it’s the President’s decision not to release those transcripts.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, but it’s Donald Trump’s decision to publically extort them from him. Everyone thought he had something big to sink the President’s campaign, but no it was just a 6-year old with a bad haircut tugging on the country’s dress and pointing at Occidental records saying “I want dat! Gimme dat or I’m gonna scream!”
ETHAN: Yeah, well it was more exciting than Gloria Allred’s October Surprise.
KIMBERLY: She’s trying to have a gag order lifted so she can release documents showing Governor Romney lied on official court documents to help his buddy from Staples get a divorce. That’s real stuff. And unlike the President’s birth certificate, no one will doubt the authenticity of those documents.
ETHAN: If President Obama would just release his passport records and college transcripts, no one would question he was born in the United States anymore.
KIMBERLY: That’s what they said before he released his birth certificate.
ETHAN: Yeah and they’ll still doubt it if he releases his college transcripts and passports and stuff, aren’t you familiar with how this works at this point?
(Ryan comes in with his backpack on, looking tired)
KIMBERLY: Good morning, Ryan.
ETHAN: You look…like you’re really tired.
RYAN: Yeah, I couldn’t sleep. I had a dream where my 8th grade chemistry teacher was chasing me on a beach, but it turns out that really happened, because I woke up on the beach with the 40 dollars I owed him gone out of my wallet. So then I went home and started researching the slender man and I couldn’t fall asleep.
ETHAN: Why did you owe your eighth grade Chemistry teacher forty dollars?
RYAN: He…tutored me…?
RYAN: Anyway, Sarah is having a Halloween party tonight, so I’m going to go to that.
ETHAN: Well you know what? That’s fine, because we’re going to hand out candy to little kids.
RYAN: I thought you didn’t believe in welfare and I thought you thought Halloween promotes the occult.
ETHAN: I’m not a Puritan!
RYAN: Well, I’m going to school.
(Ryan walks out. Cut to Ryan, Brennan, Sarah and Michael sitting at their lunch table)
BRENNAN: In Australia, toilets flush counter-clockwards. Did you even know that?
MICHAEL: I guess. Is that even right?
BRENNAN: In Swedewald, they flush upwards.
SARAH: So, Ryan and I are dating now.
MICHAEL: We’ve known that for two weeks.
SARAH: I know, I just thought I’d make an official announcement.
MICHAEL: Well, I think it’s nice. Sarah looks past the fact that you have crazy eyes when you smile and that you have so little self-control, it’s nice.
RYAN: I don’t think you can get more back-handed.
MICHAEL: I actually can. Compared to Ryan, Sarah looks like a much better person, so that’s good.
RYAN: I stand corrected.
SARAH: Anyway, there is a Halloween party at my house after school at about 6pm going until whenever we feel like it or midnight, whichever comes first.
RYAN: Yeah, well-(Ryan look to the side to see the Slender Man lurking in his peripherals. He is inhumanly tall with a black suit and no face. He looks again and he’s gone) Wow, did you see that?
BRENNAN: See what?
RYAN: There was a really tall guy in my peripherals just a second ago, now he’s gone!
MICHAEL: Wow, must’ve been the slender man.
(They all laugh except Ryan)
RYAN: Wait, you guys know about the slender man?
BRENNAN: Of course, the Slenderman myth has been around for like three years.
RYAN: I stayed up almost all night last night researching him and it scared the shit out of me.
SARAH: Have you been taking your pills? (They all chuckle) In all seriousness though, are you taking the anti-depressants the doctor prescribed you?
RYAN: I started taking them about three weeks ago, and I did feel better generally, but now I figure I can operate without them.
SARAH: Ryan, the reason you’ve felt better is because of the pills!
RYAN: No, I think the pills just brought something out of me that’s always been there, I just needed a jump-start from a friendly stranger with a baseball cap named “Prozac”. But now that he’s done that I can putter along in my car and he can bring orange slices to a bunch of dirt-covered ten year olds or whatever.
SARAH: Fine, but if you feel the downy-frownies, just pop one of them, okay?
RYAN: Wow, don’t call them that.
(Brennan gets a text)
BRENNAN: I got a text message.
MICHAEL: That sounds like a personal problem.
BRENNAN: I know you’ve been waiting to use that phrase, but it doesn’t really apply here.
BRENNAN: Wow. (Brennan checks the text) Oh, God damnit!
BRENNAN: My dad texted me saying that I need to take my brother Jeff trick-or-treating tonight.
SARAH: Aw, that means you’ll miss the party.
BRENNAN: If I pull out the old “You’re not even my real father” card, I think that’ll work.
RYAN: Please don’t do that in front of us.
BRENNAN: Why? Don’t you want to listen to me argue with my dad?
MICHAEL: No, no one ever wants to hear their friends argue with their parents.
(Pan to Brennan already on the phone with his dad)
BRENNAN: DAD, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I’M GOING ON STRIKE!
(They all groan. Cut to Jacob walking over to the lunch table where Beckett, Ross and a Spanish looking kid are sitting)
JACOB: Hey guys.
(Jacob sits down)
JACOB: Happy Halloween or whatever.
ROSS: Are you wishing us a happy Halloween?
JACOB: Or whatever I said.
SPANISH KID: I would prefer an unequivocal happy Halloween.
ROSS: I would agree with Roger.
JACOB: (Laughs) Fine, happy Halloween guys.
BECKETT: (Chuckles) Thanks.
JACOB: Yeah. So on Saturday, I like, texted you guys a bunch asking what you were doing and you guys didn’t text me back.
BECKETT: Oh, yeah we were at the lake.
ROGER: This nigga was gettin’ so blazed.
JACOB: Whoa, dude, Ross is right there.
ROSS: Dude, it’s fine, we’re all friends here.
JACOB: Wait, I can say “nigger” around you?
ROSS: I don’t know, it sounds different when you say it.
JACOB: What do you mean?
ROSS: I don’t know, say the following sentence: “Well lordy, I do hope negro Jesus feed ma chillums for ano’er year or so or by golly mah coffers gon’ go empty and dis nigga gon’ be stawvin!”
JACOB: “Well goodness, I sincerely hope Jesus Christ feeds my children for another calendar year or my finances will be depleted and DIS NIGGER GON’ BE STAWVIN’!” DAMNIT!
ROSS: Exactly! You can’t say it, only Roger can.
ROGER: Pump it, nigga!
(Ross and Roger pump fists)
JACOB: So is there any fun Halloween stuff going on tonight?
BECKETT: Yeah, there’s a Halloween party at my house, I thought you knew.
JACOB: No, nobody texted me or called me or whatever.
ROSS: Stop saying “or whatever” so much.
BECKETT: Don’t worry man, you’re invited.
JACOB: Okay. Cool. Costumes?
ROGER: Why? Do you not have a costume?
JACOB: No, it’s just that I will have to wear it now.
ROSS: What is it?
JACOB: Peeta from the Hunger Games.
(Cut to Madeline at a meeting of the Young Democrats of New England Institute of Technology. They are seated around a table with the head of the organization at the head of the table. Their power is out, they have emergency lanterns all around them. They are all dressed up as Presidents, one as President Obama, President Bush, President Clinton, President H.W.Bush, President Reagan, President Carter, President Ford, President Nixon, President Johnson and President Kennedy. Madeline however, is dressed up as Snooki)
FAKE PRESIDENT OBAMA: (Obama impression) Uh, this meeting of the young Democrats club of the uh, New England Institute of Technology will uh, come to order. Yes we can. (They all chuckle) This is our uh, Halloween meeting. And uh, we’d like to introduce our members and their costumes. I uh, sent out an e-mail to all members urging them to dress as a President. (Normal voice) Now, Governor Chaffee and the city of Warwick have encouraged us to evacuate due to rising flood waters. But Halloween stops for no storm of the century. (Obama impression) So uh, let’s go around the table. Uh, Donald?
DONALD: (Bush impression) Mr. President, I ain’t Donald. I’m President George Dubya Bush! (They all chuckle) Get my name right or I’ll send ya to Gitmo!
FAKE PRESIDENT OBAMA: Trust me President Bush, uh, I could send a drone to kill you. (They all laugh) But kudos, that’s a very scary costume. (They all chuckle) Howard? Who are you?
HOWARD: (Clinton impression) I am Bill Clinton. Oliver, I feel your pain in having to be held down to one woman. (Everybody except Oliver, the guy dressed as President Obama laughs) Susie’s a wonderful girl, but sometimes you gotta get your D-AR wet.
(Everybody except Oliver laughs)
OLIVER: Uh, first of all, my name is President Obama, not Oliver. Also, don’t fucking talk about my girlfriend. (Awkward silence) Anyway, Duncan, who are you supposed to be?
DUNCAN: Um, I’m Gerald Ford. I don’t really know what he did in office, but…that’s me. I’m President Gerald Ford. Um…I think he was…clumsy?
OLIVER: Something like that. Yeah. Anyway, Madeline. Um, from what I can ascertain there has never been a female President, so explain your costume.
MADELINE: I’m…Madeline Albright.
OLIVER: You’re former Secretary of State Madeline Albright?
OLIVER: You have a spray tan, a short skirt and crazy big dyed brown hair.
MADELINE: I’m Madeline Albright in her younger…sluttier days.
OLIVER: I see.
HOWARD: (Clinton impression) Damn, I wish Albright looked like that when she worked for me.
(They all laugh. Cut to Sarah, dressed as a vampire, waiting at the door for people to come in. Her mom Amy comes over with brownies on a tray)
AMY: Hey, honey. I made brownies for your little party.
SARAH: Oh, thanks. You can put them in the living room. So, where are you going tonight?
AMY: What’s that, honey?
SARAH: Where are you going tonight?
AMY: Oh, I didn’t realize I was going anywhere.
SARAH: Mom! You can’t be here for my Halloween party! That’s so lame!
AMY: Jesus healed the lame, sweetheart.
SARAH: Well you’re beyond treatment. Can you please just go out with your friends?
AMY: I mean, I’m not really ready.
SARAH: You look fine.
AMY: I’m still in my work clothes.
SARAH: Then go to a Halloween party dressed as a no-nonsense female lawyer. Just-(Sarah opens the door) please find something to do.
(Sarah moves her mom out the door)
AMY: Honey, I don’t know where I’d go, I’d have to call some people-
SARAH: You’ll be fine.
(Sarah closes the door)
AMY: I’M STILL HOLDING THE BROWNIES! AND IT’S RAINING OUT HERE! IS HURRICANE SANDY STILL COMING OR HAS IT PASSED?
(A knock is heard at the door)
SARAH: MOM, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND SOMEWHERE ELSE TO GO, PLEASE!
RYAN: (Through the door) It’s Ryan!
(Sarah opens the door to see Ryan dressed as Mallart Bond. Sarah’s mom is gone)
SARAH: Oh. Hey. Where did my mom go?
RYAN: I don’t know, she wasn’t here when I came up here.
SARAH: Oh. That’s weird. Anyway, come in. Nice costume.
RYAN: Thank you. (Ryan comes in and Sarah shuts the door) I made it myself out of pure dark energy.
SARAH: Sure you did.
(Sarah and Ryan start making out. The doorbell rings so they stop making out. Sarah opens the door to see Michael, Eric, Michelle and Delaware. Michael and Eric are both dressed up as vampires. Michelle is dressed as some anime character and Delaware doesn’t have a costume)
MICHAEL: I know! Three vampire costumes, how embarrassing.
ERIC: Embarrassing for you! This was my idea. I’m a legit Dracula vampire; you guys are the kinds that sparkle in the sunlight.
SARAH: Just come in.
(They all come in and Sarah closes the door)
MICHELLE: Hi Ryan.
RYAN: Hi Michelle.
(Ryan puts his arm around Sarah)
SARAH: Um, let’s go in the living room.
(They all go into the living room and sit down in various places)
MICHELLE: Thanks for inviting us.
SARAH: You are welcome. We considered canceling because of Hurricane Sandy, but we figured that we could ride it out.
RYAN: Let’s just hope the power doesn’t go out…(awkward silence) wow, I totally expected that statement to be punctuated by irony.
SARAH: Like, by the power going out?
RYAN: Yeah, exactly, but-
(The power goes out)
RYAN: Ah, I see.
DELAWARE: Jesus, Michelle, hold me!
MICHELLE: Calm down, Delaware, your cell phone works doesn’t it?
DELAWARE: God willing. (Delaware pulls out his iPhone and it’s on) Thank God! Oh no, there’s no bars!
SARAH: We’ll manage.
MICHELLE: So where’s Brennan?
RYAN: Brennan had to go trick-or-treating with his little brother. You know, that little shit once knocked me out with his iPad.
SARAH: That shouldn’t be a story you want to share with everyone.
RYAN: C’mon, I feed off of people’s sympathy.
SARAH: Not here, you don’t. And also, no drugs will be done here, Ryan’s in drug therapy and he can’t be involving himself with that.
RYAN: Yeah, I’ll be able to do it.
(Michelle laughs. Everybody stares at her and she looks down)
ERIC: Um, I need to make an announcement before the festivities begin.
ERIC: Um, I’m going to be moving next week, far far away and I’ll probably never see any of you ever again.
SARAH: Are you serious?
MICHELLE: For real?
ERIC: Yes. I’m afraid so.
RYAN: That sucks, dude.
ERIC: I know. I didn’t mean to put a damper on the party, but I did.
RYAN: Yeah. You did, where are you moving?
RYAN: You’re moving to Siberia?
ERIC: Well, not actual Siberia, like, jokey Siberia. Meaning, I’m moving really far away.
RYAN: Oh. Then where are you actually moving?
RYAN: Wow, so not jokey Siberia then.
ERIC: Yeah, pretty close to actual Siberia.
MICHAEL: Isn’t your dad a Judge?
ERIC: Yeah, he got a job in Russia; he’s going to sentence the rest of the Pussy Riot members if they ever return to Russia.
RYAN: So he’s going to participate in the Russian Government’s suppression of free speech?
ERIC: Hey, they’re hooligans!
DELAWARE: This sucks man, we were getting to know each other so well.
ERIC: Who even are you?
DELAWARE: I’m-I’m Delaware, Michelle’s boyfriend.
ERIC: I thought you were dating Ryan.
DELAWARE: You thought I was dating Ryan?
ERIC: No, Michelle.
MICHELLE: If I were dating Ryan, why would he be right next to Sarah over there and why would I be right next to Delaware?
ERIC: Sorry I’m not fucking Sherlock Holmes deducing every clue about every social situation!
MICHELLE: Be sorry that you thought I was still dating Ryan! We’ve been broken up for almost two months!
SARAH: Let’s settle down. What do you guys want to do?
MICHAEL: Let’s dance! I can shuffle like anybody’s business.
MICHELLE: Trust me it isn’t anybody’s business, let’s just play charades.
RYAN: Or we could not do that.
DELAWARE: No, I think that’s a good idea.
MICHAEL: Yeah, definitely.
SARAH: Great idea, Michelle.
RYAN: I really thought people would be behind me on that, but uh…fine, let’s do it!
SARAH: Who wants to go first?
MICHAEL: I will!
(Michael gets up and goes in front of the fire place and stands there, looking normal)
SARAH: A PUPPY!
(Sarah gets up and Michael sits down)
RYAN: How did-
SARAH: Shh! Okay? Let’s go. (Sarah starts making punching motions)
MICHAEL: Muhammad Ali!
DELAWARE: Cassius Clay!
MICHAEL: That’s the same person!
DELAWARE: STEVIE WONDER!
(The power comes back on)
RYAN: Look, we have power, we don’t have to do this anymore!
DELAWARE: Yes we do, I gotta get this.
(Sarah continues to do her punching motions as she looks at Ryan and smiles. Ryan half-smiles back and then looks down. He rotates his head slightly to the right and sees the Slenderman in his peripherals. He rotates his head leftward in shock. He looks back and the Slenderman is no longer there. He then looks down again. Cut to Jacob knocking on the door of Beckett’s house dressed as Peeta. Beckett answers the door holding a red cup)
BECKETT: Hey Jacob. Come in.
(Jacob enters to see Roger and Peter using a volcano vape with an inflated bag on top of it while Ross stands by)
ROGER: Hey, nigga! We about to smoke out of this vape!
JACOB: What is that thing?
PETER: It’s the Volcano vape!
JACOB: Is it like a slow cooker? Are we making a pot roast?
ROGER: (Giggles) Fuck no, dude, this is the most conservative vape ever! You put weed, or as the instructions put it, a “substance” into this (points to top of the vape inflating the bag) container and it blows up this bag, you inhale the smoke from the bag and get really high without using up much of your weed.
JACOB: Wow, that’s awesome, how did you get that?
ROGER: I stole it from my older brother! He won’t find out.
JACOB: What if he does?
ROGER: Well, he has two aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charges pending, so render your own conclusions.
JACOB: Yeah, my conclusion is maybe we should be concerned.
BECKETT: Dude, chill out! You’re freakin’ out man! Just relax. Take a hit.
JACOB: Fine. (Jacob goes over, takes the bag off, puts the smoking apparatus on the bag and inhales, then exhales) Wow, no smell, no tell.
ROGER: Exactly, and with just eight payments of 44.99 it can be yours for 400 dollars!
JACOB: Well gosh, that’s a deal I can’t refuse!
BECKETT: Does it make orange juice? (Jacob puts the smoking apparatus in Beckett’s mouth. He inhales and then exhales after he takes it out) Can we make a balloon animal out of this?
(They all laugh)
JACOB: Thank God your power hasn’t gone out yet.
ROGER: It went out for a little while before you got here.
JACOB: Yeah, but I heard New York City’s like Panem right now. (Everybody stays silent) It’s the country that the Hunger Games takes place in.
ROGER: I think I’d rather be in New York City.
(They all laugh and Roger slaps Jacob on the back. Cut to the four of them upstairs in Beckett’s game room, which is really messy)
JACOB: Dude, this is so messy.
BECKETT: Dude, relax, we’re going to play racing games.
JACOB: Can’t we just watch Black Hawk Down? I love watching comedies while I’m high, everything’s so much funnier.
ROGER: That’s not a comedy, bro.
JACOB: C’mon, when that soldier has a seizure it’s like, why is he doing that? (Jacob laughs as everybody stares at him. Once he’s done, he bites his lip) Um, yeah, racing games are fine.
BECKETT: Great, dude, just remember to relax.
(They put Forza Motorsport into the XBOX. Cut to Brennan walking with Jeff, who is dressed as the Twitter Bird. They are out in the rain with an umbrella over them)
BRENNAN: Really? The Twitter Bird?
JEFF: Really. I was originally going to be the F in Facebook but I decided it was stupid.
BRENNAN: Yeah, this isn’t. (They walk up to the Donahue household. Brennan rings the doorbell) I know these people, okay? Just be respectful.
JEFF: I will respect the shit out of these bitches.
BRENNAN: That would be an example of disrespect. You’re like, eight!
(Ethan and Kimberly open the door)
JEFF: Trick or treat!
ETHAN: Oh wow, you’re trick or treating. In the rain. Um, are you a blue fish?
JEFF: It’s the Twitter bird, bi-(Brennan clears his throat)uddy. Buddy.
ETHAN: We are buddies. Pound it!
JEFF: Do you want me to pound your fist?
JEFF: You haven’t extended your fist.
ETHAN: Fine, I’ll be the one to do it.
(Neither of them do it still. A few seconds pass)
JEFF: Can I get candy now?
(Kimberly puts some candy in his pillow case. Cut to Madeline talking with Oliver at the Young Democrats Halloween party. Oliver now has his Obama mask off)
MADELINE: So, this is a nice group you have here.
OLIVER: Thank you, we try.
OLIVER: So why’d you decide to join?
MADELINE: Um, well my has always told me to be a conservative, so I decided to join the Young Republicans club, but…
(Cut to Madeline sitting at a meeting with a bunch of blonde chicks and young conservative intellectuals wearing blue sport coats)
YOUNG CONSERVATIVE INTELLECTUAL: I think William F. Buckley was right when he said Back in the thirties we were told we must collectivize the nation because the people were so poor. Now we are told we must collectivize the nation because the people are so rich.”
ANOTHER YOUNG CONSERVATIVE INTELLECTUAL: Absolutely.
BLONDE CONSERVATIVE CHICK: I don’t know who William Baxley is, but honestly, healthcare is not a right. I’m sorry! But healthcare is not a right! Honestly, I’m sorry! Like, healthcare is honestly not a right. I’m sorry! You know?
BLONDE CONSERVATIVE CHICK’S BOYFRIEND: Babe, I thought you said this was a brothel.
MADELINE: I decided I didn’t want to be the only smart chick in there. Plus, my views have been more moderate since I’ve been following this race. I figured I could test the waters.
OLIVER: That’s awesome. There’s only six days until the election and we need as many votes as we an get.
MADELINE: But, this is Rhode Island, which is already solidly in Obama’s category.
OLIVER: Right…but just because you live here doesn’t mean you’re going to vote here, aren’t you going to vote back where you live?
MADELINE: Yeah. Vermont. Arguably the most liberal state in the nation.
OLIVER: Right…well still vote, because if you don’t vote, you can’t complain.
MADELINE: Yeah, I’ll vote. It’s my first time, and according to that Obama campaign ad, the first time voting is like losing your virginity.
OLIVER: (Laughs) Yeah, what was that? I’ve never seen the porno where the sexy ballot counter is like “Oh, let me see your hanging chads”!
(They both laugh)
(Duncan comes over still in his Gerald Ford costume with his iPhone out)
DUNCAN: Hey! I’m Gerald Ford! I signed the Hart-Scott Antitrust Improvements Act of 1976! Wassat about?!
OLIVER: You’re not going to make a successful Gerald Ford joke, okay? Just don’t try it.
(Duncan takes off the mask)
DUNCAN: Fine! Wait…why do you look so familiar?
DUNCAN: Yeah, I remember you from somewhere.
MADELINE: I don’t recognize you, sorry.
DUNCAN: Oh my God! You’re Madeline Donahue! You were in my physics class junior year! Hansbay High?
MADELINE: Yep, that was me.
DUNCAN: Didn’t you bang that Muslim kid who sat next to you?
MADELINE: Wow. No I didn’t and he wasn’t Muslim, he was a Sikh.
OLIVER: Duncan, please leave.
DUNCAN: But dude, she banged that Jewish kid Kyle! He was missing for a month and it turns out that they had on and off month-long tantric sex! Wow-ee, why do you always bang dudes with weird religions? Is that your fetish? My dick has no denominational preference, personally.
OLIVER: Sorry about him, he can go off at the mouth a little bit.
MADELINE: Yeah, I didn’t think dressing up as Snooki would get me so much negative attention. (Oliver laughs) Trust me; I didn’t just bang anybody in High School.
OLIVER: None taken.
MADELINE: Yeah-wait, what?
OLIVER: I mean, I’m sure you didn’t.
(Cut to Ryan, Eric, Michael, Sarah, Delaware and Michelle upstairs in Sarah’s game room while emo music plays in the background. Ryan seems distracted)
DELAWARE: This is my band.
SARAH: What is it called?
DELAWARE: It’s called Assault and Battery not Included.
MICHAEL: Shouldn’t it be Assault and Battery Included, considering it’s supposed to be aggressive music?
DELAWARE: But then it wouldn’t go along with the “batteries not included” joke.
ERIC: Yeah, so maybe you should just change the name completely.
DELAWARE: Let’s just drink.
(Delaware takes a bottle of ABSOLUT Vodka from his guitar case)
MICHAEL: Now it’s a party!
SARAH: Guys, I said no drugs!
DELAWARE: This isn’t a drug! It’s made from potatoes; we can get our serving of vegetables.
SARAH: Potatoes aren’t vegetables first of all, secondly, Ryan is in rehab and can’t do things like this!
DELAWARE: Ryan’s in rehab for addiction to ecstasy.
RYAN: Ecstasy habit, not addiction.
DELAWARE: Whatever helps you sleep at night, anyway, this is clearly not ecstasy.
SARAH: It’s still a lucidity inhibitor!
DELAWARE: Okay, Nurse Blumenthal, give me your diagnosis of Michelle’s unladylike snoring, why don’t you?
SARAH: Why am I a nurse and not a doctor?
MICHELLE: And why is my snoring unladylike?
DELAWARE: There are two types of people I hate in this world, okay? Fat people and feminists.
SARAH: No Vodka, okay? Ryan probably feels uncomfortable.
RYAN: I’m not uncomfortable, I just have to be right back.
(Ryan rushes out of the room and goes into the bathroom. He washes his face a little bit and looks down into the sink as it drains out the water. When he looks back up, the slender man is there for a split second and he screams)
(He starts hyperventilating. Sarah comes in)
SARAH: Ryan, are you okay?
RYAN: Yeah…I just keep seeing the slender man.
SARAH: You mean that thing we were talking about earlier today?
RYAN: YEAH! He keeps appearing in my peripherals for like, split seconds!
SARAH: Ryan, come on.
RYAN: I’m serious! It’s freaking me the fuck out! The slender man has been stalking humans since the beginning of time. There were pictures online of him stalking kids that later went missing! They looked so cute and innocent but then the slender man took them to a dimension beyond our comprehension!
SARAH: Ryan, they probably went to the same dimension where autistic kids make Dolan Duck comics and insane clowns wonder how fucking magnets work.
RYAN: What do you mean?
SARAH: The idea of slender man didn’t exist before January 2009, Something Awful forums held a contest to see who could scare the shit out of the most people with some weird piece of fakelore and you’re just another one of their victims.
RYAN: Oh. But the things I see?
SARAH: It’s the hysteria taking over, Ryan. You should know that. What are you really afraid of?
RYAN: …I don’t know…I’m just…not enjoying this party as much as I thought I would.
RYAN: I don’t know, I mean…it seems like everything’s glazed over with this layer of negativity. This vague feeling that…nothing’s ever going to be the same again and there’s nothing I can do about it.
SARAH: Well Ryan, that’s partially true.
RYAN: Thanks Sarah.
SARAH: No, listen to me; it is true that things will never be the same now that you’re getting clean. But that’s not a bad thing, you’ll be happier when you learn to stay sober. Isn’t it tiring constantly chasing a high anyway when there’s so much around you trying to make you happy in the first place?
RYAN: …I guess.
SARAH: You know.
RYAN: Yeah, I guess I know.
SARAH: No, you know you know.
RYAN: I guess I know that I know, you know?
(Sarah smiles and the two start making out. Cut to them walking back in the room. Delaware is taking a swig of his vodka, but he quickly swallows and puts it away)
DELAWARE: Sorry about breaking out the vodka, man. I didn’t take your struggle into consideration.
RYAN: It’s okay.
DELAWARE: So I can take I back out?
RYAN: No, absolutely not.
DELAWARE: Alright then.
(Cut to Jacob in Beckett’s backyard with Ross. Jacob is smoking a bowl while Ross stands by)
JACOB: How can you hang out with us so often and manage not to smoke any weed?
ROSS: I don’t know, I figured that we’ll be best friends regardless of what I do, so I just choose to be sober. Plus, I love watching people get high and try to convince them they’ve been drafted.
JACOB: (Laughs) That’s so fucked up, stop doing that.
ROSS: (Laughs) Sorry.
JACOB: No, it’s fine. I don’t know, it’s like…maybe by brother has a point.
ROSS: What does your brother say?
(Jacob takes a hit)
JACOB: Well, about six months ago he told me I don’t have any actual friends and that my so-called “friends” didn’t understand me or whatever. Of course, that’s not true, I have you.
ROSS: You’re friends with me, you don’t “have” me.
JACOB: Oh I’m sorry, did I sound like a slave-owner there?
ROSS: Yeah, you did.
(They both laugh)
JACOB: But yeah, I mean…I feel like I’m always trying too hard to be their friends, you know?
ROSS: Yeah. Honestly, they’re mean stoners.
JACOB: Mean stoners?
ROSS: Like, mean drunks but instead of alcohol there’s pot. That makes mean stoners.
JACOB: What does that mean though?
ROSS: Like, they’re kind of dicks when they’re high because they’re all having their own experience and they don’t want anybody else to have a different experience and talk about it because it screws up theirs, it breeds a kind of selfishness.
JACOB: That’s true!
(Beckett comes outside)
BECKETT: Hey guys, what are you doing out here?
JACOB: Hey man, we’re just hanging out. Dude, it was so weird, for a second, I totally forgot where I was and I had an out-of-body experience, I couldn’t find my way out of the bathroom.
BECKETT: Dude, shut up, nobody cares.
(Beckett starts laughing profusely)
JACOB: Yeah, I see what you mean.
BECKETT: What do you mean?
ROSS: You’re a mean stoner. You’re mean to anybody who’s not on your level while you’re high.
BECKETT: Dude, my dad was a mean drunk who beat me. My adoptive father was too and so is my new dad.
ROSS: Dude, are you serious?
JACOB: He is.
(Jacob takes off his belt and Beckett flinches)
ROSS: Damn, bad luck. But you’re still a mean stoner.
BECKETT: Dude, you don’t get it! Weed brings people together!
JACOB: Does it though?
(Cut to Madeline and Oliver walking into Madeline’s apartment which also does not have power to see Cameron smoking pot on the couch)
MADELINE: Hey Cameron.
CAMERON: I’ll leave.
MADELINE: Thank you.
(Cameron gets up and goes into the other room and Madeline and Oliver sit down on the couch)
OLIVER: He seems nice.
MADELINE: He’s nice enough to pick up clues, but not nice enough to pick up his clothes.
OLIVER: That was quick.
MADELINE: (Giggles) Thank you…guess what?
MADELINE: My brother has a tape that could ruin the election for Romney.
MADELINE: Yeah. We met privately with Governor Romney seven months ago and my brother got him on tape, unfiltered.
OLIVER: You’ve MET Governor Romney?
MADELINE: Yeah. He’s friends with my dad’s former boss.
OLIVER: Wow. Call your brother.
MADELINE: Should I?
OLIVER: Yeah, totally!
(Madeline takes out her cell phone and presses 5 on her speed dial. Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Sarah, Eric and Michael hanging out on the front porch of the house during the storm. Brennan and Jeff walk up with their umbrella)
BRENNAN: I want some candy, bitches!
(Delaware jumps out of the bushes)
(Jeff screams and jumps back as Delaware, Ryan, Sarah, Eric, Michelle, Michael and Brennan laugh)
JEFF: Did he scream “bushes”?
DELAWARE: (Laughs) I’m soaked!
(Ryan gets a call and answers it)
MADELINE: Ryan, do you have those Romney tapes?
RYAN: How do you have service in Warwick right now?
MADELINE: DO YOU HAVE THE TAPES?!
RYAN: Yeah, why?
MADELINE: We should release them! My friend from the Young Democrats association says we should release them!
RYAN: But Madeline, I was planning on using those tapes to get something I want out of dad!
MADELINE: Well, you only have six more days to think of that thing. What does he say in them anyway?
RYAN: I’ll play them for you.
(Ryan takes out his iPhone and pulls up the audio recording and plays it)
MITT ROMNEY: (On recording) Personally, I think most Americans can’t afford a solid gold fountain because they haven’t EARNED a solid gold fountain. Most of them have to use composite. (Ryan skips ahead) The only reason Sanjaya was a finalist on Idol is because of Slumgod Billionaire! (Ryan skips ahead) I decided I didn’t want to hold that position anymore because Anne was certainly not comfortable with it, so that’s how Tagg was born. (Ryan skips ahead) I had a coffee once. It was madness. A nightmare I refuse to wake up from. (Ryan skips ahead) I experimented with asexuality for the first twenty-two years of my life. (Ryan skips ahead) The best prank I ever pulled was when I kidnapped one of my lawn workers and took them to the INS. It was hilarious. I also put a fake spider on his arm once. (Ryan skips ahead) Going on a mission trip in France was kind of like going to Vietnam. Except instead of knocking on doors we were riding bikes in suits.
(Ryan stops the recording)
MADELINE: Wow. That’s perfect. Can you get that to me?
RYAN: Totally. One second.
(Delaware comes over with his vodka in hand as Ryan uses his phone)
DELAWARE: Dude, I’m scaring the SHIT out of these kids.
RYAN: You probably shouldn’t have that out in front of kids, especially since you’re not 21.
DELAWARE: Eighteen’s the new twenty.
RYAN: So you still wouldn’t be old enough.
DELAWARE: Shut it, okay? Oh shit!
(A cop walks over)
DELAWARE: Hello, officer!
(Delaware drops the bottle and it pours it contents all over Ryan’s phone and the bottle knocks it out of Ryan’s hand and breaks it on the ground)
RYAN: GOD DAMNIT! Delaware, you just gave Romney the election!
COP: Sir, are you over 21?
DELAWARE: What kind of a question is that?
COP: Okay, you’re under arrest for underage drinking and possession of alcohol.
DELAWARE: What is this, prohibition?
COP: If you’re under 21, yeah it is.
(The cop puts Delaware in handcuffs)
MICHELLE: Officer, can you let him off? He’s my boyfriend!
COP: And I’m sure he’s a great boyfriend, breaking your ex-boyfriend’s phone and all.
RYAN: How do you know I’m her-
COP: Let’s go. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney one will be appointed to you by the state.
(The cop takes Delaware away)
DELAWARE: PUNCH HIM, MICHELLE!
(The cop puts Delaware in the back of the car and drives off. Sarah walks over to Ryan as he picks up his broken phone)
SARAH: Sorry about your phone.
RYAN: Well…for the first time, alcohol is not doing me any favors.
SARAH: It’s not the first time.
(Ryan puts his arm around Sarah and Sarah puts her head on his shoulder and the song “Little Black Submarines” by the Black Keys starts playing. Ryan puts his lips on Sarah’s head and from a distance, Michelle looks on. Cut to Jacob, Beckett, Ross, Peter and Roger in Beckett’s dark game room watching Celebrity Ghost Stories on the BIO channel. Jacob looks at his phone and looks up the last text he got from Kirsten, which was on October 13 at 6:45 PM and it was “ok”. Jacob acknowledges this, puts his phone away and turns to Ross, only to see that his eyes are relaxed and he is also high. Jacob viscerally expresses surprise, and then turns back to the TV. Cut to Oliver and Madeline on the couch. Oliver leans in for a kiss, but Madeline stops him with her hand. Oliver puts her hand down and goes in again and she acquiesces at first, but then stops and turns away from his face. Oliver then kisses her cheek and moves up to her lips, but Madeline pushes him away, but he is persistent and goes back in, but she pushes him more violently away and he falls to the ground, hitting his head on the coffee table as Madeline sits there. Oliver stands up and rubs his head, glares at her and then leaves. Madeline starts crying. Cut to Ryan looking at his bottle of Prozac in the bathroom. Sarah walks in and grabs Ryan’s arm, leading him somewhere. Sarah leads Ryan outside and he sees Michael, Eric and Michelle jumping on the trampoline in the middle of the storm with the net over it. Ryan smiles and Sarah smiles back. Sarah then runs over and climbs on the trampoline. Quickly, Ryan turns around and puts a Prozac in his mouth, swallows it and then runs over, gets on the trampoline and jumps with them. The camera zooms out as the song ends and thunder, lightning and a wolf howling is heard)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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