“But if with noble zeal you stay to note the outcome of your patriotic vote, for Romney, or Obama, and your native land, take-and God bless you!-Take my overcoat.”
(We start with Ethan asleep in bed, next to Kimberly. His alarm clock, which reads “7:59 AM TUES NOV 6 2012” turns to 8am and goes off. Ethan hits it with his hand and throws the sheets off of him)
ETHAN: (Singing) It’s a beautiful morning! In the United States! Even though it’s been pouring, it’s still Election Day! (He walks into his bathroom and walks into his walk-in closet and comes out dressed in a suit) So go down to a courthouse, or go down to a smelly gym, because it’s the day for you to decide whether you are with America, or HIM!
(Ethan takes out a picture of President Obama and then rips it. He then walks back into his bedroom and Kimberly rises from bed)
KIMBERLY: It’s a beautiful morning! In the United States! Even though it’s been pouring, it’s still Election Day! So remember kids, now that it’s November sixth, go out and vote-
ETHAN: Unless your black, Hispanic or gay!
(Kimberly gets out of bed, spins around and is suddenly in a dress and the two march out of their room in lockstep)
ETHAN AND KIMBERLY: GO OUT AND CAST YOUR BALLOT EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER COUNT IT! EVERY OTHER DAY THERE’S FIFTY STATES BUT TODAY THERE’S ONLY EIGHT! UNLESS YOU LIVE IN OHIO, FLORIDA, NEVADA, COLORADO, WISCONSIN, IOWA, VIRGINIA OR NEW HAMPSHIRE, SORRY BUB, BUT YOU DON’T MATTER!
(Ethan and Kimberly march up the stairs and knock on Ryan’s door at the same time. He comes out, fully dressed)
RYAN: (Singing) It’s a beautiful morning, in the United States! Even though it’s been pouring, it’s still Election Day! You can vote for the criminal Mormon or you can have Obama stay, whatever your choice is, you’re going to paaaaay!
(Jacob comes out of his room)
JACOB: (Singing) Today is my first time voting, and I am gay!
ETHAN: Stop that man!
JACOB: Gay as in happy, I get to have my way! I have to choose between a rich-ass elite and another rich-ass elite, which one will I get? I don’t know, but either way I’ll probably get loads of debt!
KIMBERLY: National debt or student loan debt?
JACOB: Why not both?!
(Jacob, Ryan, Ethan and Kimberly lock arms and march down the stage and go out the door, march down the path to their house and begin singing again
ETHAN, KIMBERLY, RYAN AND JACOB: (Singing) It’s a beautiful morning, in the United States! Even though it’s been pouring, it’s still Election Day! You can vote for the Mormon, or you can let Obama stay, either way, trust me, you’re going to PAAAAY!
(Ross, Lance and Preston walk over)
ROSS, LANCE AND PRESTON: Can we vote?
ETHAN, KIMBERLY, RYAN AND JACOB: NO WAY!
(The four of them continue to march down the sidewalk)
ETHAN, KIMBERLY, RYAN AND JACOB: AFTER 16 MONTHS OF SPECULATION, THERE’S FINALLY GOING TO BE MORE! UNTIL THE SUPREME COURT USES THEIR JURISDICTION, TO KICK OBAMA’S ASS OUT THE DOOR! SO GO VOTE FOR THE SOCIALIST TYRANT OR THE BAIN CAPITAL ASSHOLE AND THEN WATCH THE RESULTS COME IN OR WATCH A RERUN OF CASTLE! TOMMOROW MORNING OR IN LATE NOVEMBER, WE’LL HAVE A WINNER INSTEAD OF TWO CONTENDERS! THEY’LL PUT THEIR HAND ON THE BIBLE AND LIEEEEEEE! IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR OBAMA, A DRONE WILL MAKE SURE YOU DIEEEE! IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR ROMNEY, HE’LL HIRE YOU, FIRE YOU AND YOU’LL ASK “WHY”????
JACOB: Wait, you’ll be asking Romney why or the world why?
RYAN: The world!
(They march down to the Mayor’s office and stand in front of it. Mayor Sarandon walks down the steps in a golden suit)
MAYOR SARANDON: (Singing) Some may ask todaaaay who will win and who will lose, but whoever wins it doesn’t matter anywaaaay…there’ll be a GOP house and Dem-lead Senate, it’ll be gridlock and nobody will put their hands in it, they both say they’re gonna take control, but they’re bluffing! Once it’s a split again, they’ll do what they do best…which is NOTHING!
(Madeline walks down the street with her backpack on)
MADELINE: (Singing) Romney doesn’t know our toil…he’s never had to strip just to afford oillll…
RYAN: Well, neither have you.
MADELINE: That’s not the point, the point is that many Americans can’t afford food, clothing or rent! And that’s one HELL of a hard-working forty-seven perceeeent!
RYAN, JACOB AND KIMBERLY: AMEN TO THAT!
ETHAN: In Obama’s closet we have never found anything extremely lude, so when the election’s this close Chris Christie might as well be posing with Obama nude!
RYAN: (Singing) He was surveying damage from Hurricane Sandy!
ETHAN: He was giving Obama a HANDY!
RYAN: (Singing) In a campaign filled with vitriol, it’s easy to forget, that Obama and Romney are humans, and on the voters they’ve placed a bet. Anne Romney has been dealing with her husband’s campaign for six long years but she hasn’t grown tired of his lying ways. You could even call her Anne of the five thousand days! Romney’s Henry the Eighth, 2008 was their stillborn baby and if 2012 is born dead, I’d fear for the Massachusetts first lady! (Ryan grabs Mayor Sarandon’s hand and the six of them waltz down the street) Which of these candidates will we choose? The one who picks winners and losers or the one who’s got nothing to lose? The multimillionaire or the mere millionaire? The black disappointment or the white-bread purchaser of ointment? The vulture capitalist or the guy who leaves it to congress? The guy who bullied gay kids or the guy who threatened gay kids with a DRONE?!!!!
MAYOR SARANDON: THE JONAS BROTHERS!
(They go into the courthouse and over to the voting area)
ETHAN, KIMBERLY, RYAN, JACOB, MADELINE AND MAYOR SARANDON: (Singing) It’s a beautiful morning, in the United States! Even though it’s been pouring, it’s still Election Day! You can vote for the Mormon, or you can let Obama stay, either way, trust me, you’re going to PAAAAY! GOING TO PAAAY! GOING TO PAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
(Cut to Ethan sleeping while singing “paaaaay” very quietly to himself when Kimberly nudges him)
(Ethan wakes up)
ETHAN: Ugh? What? Oh hi.
KIMBERLY: Morning, Ethan. It’s Election Day.
ETHAN: It sure is. I had a dream that there a musical sequence about the election and we all participated. Me, you, Ryan, Jacob, Madeline and Mayor Sarandon.
KIMBERLY: Wow, you have show tunes in your dreams? Are you sure you don’t need gay reparative therapy?
ETHAN: I’m a big believer in that, but no. (They both laugh) Anyway, we should go vote.
KIMBERLY: Okay, just go get ready. Who are you voting for?
ETHAN: Gary Johnson all the way.
(Kimberly laughs. Jacob comes in)
JACOB: Hey, don’t mock Gary Johnson. He’s advertising on Omegle, he’s got the lonely horny people vote locked up.
ETHAN: Why are you here?
JACOB: I got up early so I can go vote.
KIMBERLY: Are you voting for Gary Johnson?
JACOB: Do I look like a person who would waste my own vote? I’m voting for President Obama.
KIMBERLY: The first time I voted it was for Michael Dukakis in ’88. Fucking waste of time.
ETHAN: My first vote was for Reagan in ’84. I certainly didn’t vote for a liberal, Jacob. You know, I remember you agreeing with me!
JACOB: Yeah, but that was when I was four and you would show me pictures of President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky together and you would say they were “kissing friends” and that all liberals were adulterers. (Ethan starts banging a Bill Clinton figurine and a Monica Lewinsky figurine together) You just happened to have those with you?
ETHAN: I’m going to go get ready.
(Ethan gets out of bed. Cut to Brennan in his car talking on his cell phone)
BRENNAN: Really? You’re going to tackle Obama supporters at the polls? Aren’t you the party of anti-voter fraud laws? Listen-(Brennan takes out a straightener and straightens his hair while driving and uses his knee to drive) I have to get off the phone. Why? Because I’m driving, that’s why, it’s dangerous. Bye. (He hangs up and starts texting) Ryan is going to freak when he sees my new-
(Brennan spins out of control on the road and crashes off screen. Cut to Jacob walking up to a table in Hansbay City Hall where voting booths have been set up. An overweight black woman is sitting there)
JACOB: Hello ma’am, I have a question.
BLACK WOMAN: Yes?
JACOB: When you mark the box of the candidate you want to vote for, do you put like a square root symbol…or a V?
BLACK WOMAN: You put a check mark.
JACOB: Okay, thanks. (Jacob walks into a voting booth. Cut to inside the voting booth. Jacob takes a paper ballot and a pen and goes down the list) I am voting for President Barack Obama. (He makes a mark) Hopefully this time he’ll treat Republicans like a fly on his hand. What is this, Governor? Um, I guess Governor Shumlin’s okay. (He makes the mark) Senate? Bernie Sanders? Isn’t he a socialist? Well, I suppose a socialist is better than learning whoever the fuck John MacGovern is. (He makes a mark) Cassandra Gekas? Sure. (He makes a mark) Beth Pearce? Why not? (He makes a mark) Jim Condos? Good name. Way better than Cassandra Gekas, I shouldn’t have voted for that chick. But it’s too late. Doug Hoffer or Tim Salmon? I don’t know either of them but fuck it, I like the fish salmon better than I like the fish hoffer.
(He makes a check. Cut to Ethan in his voting booth with his ballot)
ETHAN: I would like to vote for Mitt Romney. (He makes his mark) Ugh, why do I even bother voting for Romney in a state so liberal that our “laboratory of Democracy” makes new strains of pot?
(Cut to Madeline parking in the Hansbay town hall parking lot. She gets out of the car and meets Jacob, Kimberly and Ethan)
MADELINE: Hey, did you guys already vote?
ETHAN: Yeah, we just got finished. You can go in there and vote to your heart’s content.
(Pan to Norman Sanford)
NORMAN: I only tackle guys! (An Hispanic guy walks over) Oh no, you don’t!
(The Hispanic guy tries to walk past Norman, but Norman keeps blocking him. The Hispanic guy then pushes Norman to the ground and runs to the Town Hall. Norman is lying on the grass)
NORMAN: (Deep breath) I’m just going to rest here a moment.
ETHAN: You do that. So Maddie, how is life in Warwick?
MADELINE: Um, for a little while it was like the 1700s. Warwick had the most power outages. Cameron doesn’t usually shower that often anyway, but now that he has an excuse for being gross, he’s being even grosser.
ETHAN: Sorry to hear that. Here in Vermont we had some power outages too.
MADELINE: Yeah, we had flooding. Teenagers robbing toddlers at razor point for spare apple sauce, knocked over trees, signs and grandmas. People’s scissors weren’t working and those don’t even require electricity.
ETHAN: Well…I had to use a book light when I was reading Killing Lincoln.
MADELINE: I’m so sorry, dad. Anyway, I’m going to go vote.
ETHAN: Who are you voting for?
MADELINE: Obama, who else?
(Madeline walks away. Ethan turns to Kimberly)
ETHAN: Romney was the “who else”. Romney was. Since when did I lose control of our kids?
KIMBERLY: Wow, Ryan’s in drug therapy and Jacob’s a pothead but you think you’ve lost control of our kids because their voting differently than you?
ETHAN: Eight months ago Madeline and Jacob were conservatives! What happened? Was it that levy Rachel Maddow?
KIMBERLY: Did you just replace the word “dyke” with “levy”? And no, it wasn’t Maddow, it was the fact they grew up. They became adults. They became free of your ideological grasp and saw the world through the youthful, idealistic eyes of a young Vermonter. Those eyes tend to be liberal. It’s just something you have to get used to.
ETHAN: I don’t wanna! Why am I suddenly so unimportant to this family?
KIMBERLY: You’re not unimportant to us, but you don’t control us. Maybe that’s a fact you should get used too.
(Kimberly gets in on the passenger side of the car. Ethan stands there a moment and then gets it on the driver’s side and starts it up. Cut to Mayor Sarandon with his sleeves rolled up smoking a cigarette in the wide area outside his office while his entire staff works on computers fastidiously. There are “SARANDON 2012 FOR MAYOR” posters everywhere)
MAYOR SARANDON: Alright everybody, we’re going to step it up in here, we need people shakin’ babies and kissin’ hands all over this damn city, we need to WIN this thing! (Tatum raises his hand while balancing a phone between his head and shoulder) Tatum!
TATUM: Sir, your twenty points down in all the polls, this seems kind of fruitless.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ugh, fuck it, you’re right. (Mayor Sarandon throws his cigarette into a trashcan and everybody hangs up their phones, stops working and turns to him. Mayor Sarandon sits down on a nearby desk. Evan is sitting at Ethan’s old desk) I mean, Evan, where did I go wrong?
EVAN: Probably when you got charged with embezzlement.
MAYOR SARANDON: Hey, I didn’t ask you!
EVAN: Yeah, you did.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well I should be winning! My grandfather was Mayor of this city!
EVAN: Wasn’t he arrested for bootlegging?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yeah, but he bootlegged DVDs!
EVAN: It was the 20s!
MAYOR SARANDON: You’re right, they were VHS. Anyway, we have got to beat Mordecai Lautenberg.
MAYOR SARANDON: Tatum?
TATUM: Um, I honestly don’t think we can, Mr. Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: You know, that’s too bad, because new Mayors seldom keep the entire staff of the old Mayor.
TATUM: …Do we have time to rig this bitch?
SOPHIE: How could we rig an election today? Polls have already opened.
TATUM: No, I mean, let’s let the voters rig the election by voting for Mayor Sarandon.
SOPHIE: That’s not rigging an election.
TATUM: Hold on, I remember almost three months ago Ethan and I discovered something about the Lautenbergs.
MAYOR SARANDON: You said he was a boy scout!
TATUM: Yeah, he was a boy scout, how embarrassing is that? “Ooh, I’m in the woods, tying knots and experimenting with bisexuality! Look at me!”
MAYOR SARANDON: We can’t win based on him once being a boy scout, Tatum.
TATUM: True, but we got something else. Apparently, his son dated and had SEX with Ethan’s daughter!
MAYOR SARANDON: Are you for real?
MAYOR SARANDON: Why didn’t you bring this to my attention in mid-August?!
TATUM: Well, Mordecai and his son pointed guns at us, which kind of discouraged us.
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, I think we’ve got a solid case against the Lautenberg campaign.
SOPHIE: Yeah, they pointed guns at our campaign operatives!
MAYOR SARANDON: No, he didn’t raise his son responsibly!
EVAN: How is that worse than the guns thing?
MAYOR SARANDON: We can’t prove the guns thing.
EVAN: We can’t prove the Kyle thing!
MAYOR SARANDON: LET’S DO THIS!
(Cut to Brennan in the hospital with a cast on his leg and arm. Norman, Jeff and Ryan enter the hospital room with the nurse)
NURSE: There he is. Dumbass over here was texting and driving.
BRENNAN: Hey! I was also straightening my hair!
NORMAN: That’s worse.
(The nurse leaves and Norman, Jeff and Ryan go over to Brennan)
NORMAN: Are you okay, Brennan?
BRENNAN: No, I’m not okay, but I’ll be fine.
NORMAN: Well, then why don’t they release you?
BRENNAN: Probably because I have a broken arm and leg.
JEFF: When I was imitating Martina Navratilova and I busted a rib, I wasn’t a big puss about it and get an overnight hospital stay!
RYAN: How’d you bust a rib imitating Martina Navratilova?
JEFF: Czech tennis is way more demanding than you think!
BRENNAN: They’re giving me a hospital stay overnight, okay?
NORMAN: Okay, fine. I’m sure we can watch the election from this TV here.
(Norman gets up and turns on the TV and switches it over to CNN, where Wolf Blitzer, Gloria Allred, Ari Fleischer and James Carville sitting around a table)
WOLF BLITZER: After this election made Colorado four-year old Abigail Evans cry, how can we in the media make an eight-year old sob?
ARI FLESICHER: My personal goal is to make a twelve-year old dissolve in a puddle of tears.
GLORIA ALLRED: I was hoping to make a twenty-three year old contemplate suicide, but the stupid judge didn’t lift the gag order on Romney’s October surprise.
JAMES CARVILLE: I’m personally not familiar with the salty discharge you guys are referring to.
WOLF BLITZER: You mean, tears?
JAMES CARVILLE: Exactly. I mean, people have said that I look like an alien, which I’m not of course, but sometimes I just feel like my alien mother landed in Louisiana sixty-eight years ago to give birth to me, which resulted in a glowing green afterbirth later used to cure polio and that my home planet’s master Oxian Bodadrox sent me here to make sure that two Democratic Presidents were elected twice or I’d be sent home to Siana Loutrix, VOTE FOR OBAMA GODDAMNIT!
WOLF BLITZER: Okay, that’s enough. (Wolf turns around) John King, have polls closed in Ohio yet?
(Cut to John King at the election map)
JOHN KING: Um, it’s 3:30, Wolf.
WOLF: Sweet Jesus.
(Cut back to Brennan, Norman, Jeff and Ryan watching. Ryan appears to be tearing up)
BRENNAN: Are you crying?
RYAN: (Clearly crying) No!
BRENNAN: You clearly-you are.
RYAN: Don’t judge me, okay? The ’08 election is why I started cutting.
BRENNAN: Well I broke my leg and arm! Is no one concerned about that?
NORMAN: of course we’re concerned, Brennan. I’m just more concerned about Ryan.
BRENNAN: Why? He’s just being a dramatic bitch about the election!
NORMAN: No, I’m concerned about him being here! He insisted that he come here even though I insisted it should be family only.
RYAN: You’re not even his real dad!
BRENNAN: Hey, I’m the only one allowed to use that against him!
RYAN: Well, if you want me to go, then I’ll go.
BRENNAN: Dad, I want him to stay. He’s my best friend.
NORMAN: Yeah, well he once lost me one percent commission on a 176 million dollar sale, so I’m sorry if I’m not exactly cordial with him right now.
RYAN: Fine, I’ll leave. But remember this sir. Fortune favors the bowl. Good day.
(Ryan leaves Norman, Jeff and Brennan confused. Cut to Ethan and Kimberly setting up their election-watching party. Ethan is putting up a “Romney/Ryan 2012” sign and Kimberly is filling a bowl with dip. Ethan finishes putting the Romney/Ryan sign up and walks over to Kimberly)
ETHAN: Nice dip. Is it cheese?
KIMBERLY: It is cheese, yes. I also have tobacco dip set up.
(Pan over to see tobacco dip)
KIMBERLY: Because Rob is attending.
ETHAN: Rob’s attending? Jesus, Kimberly, why him?
KIMBERLY: He’s my half-brother, I can’t not invite him! Plus, we’re business partners.
(Rob comes walks in through the front door and walks over to the two of them)
ROB: S’up my YOLOs.
ETHAN: Did you just call us YOLOs?
ROB: Cool story, bro. Sounds like a personal problem.
ETHAN: What is he doing?
KIMBERLY: Sorry, Ryan showed Rob 4Chan and Reddit recently.
ROB: Ermagherd, that’s such a big deal!
ETHAN: Rob, do you even vote?
ROB: Of course I do. I voted for Nader in 2004 and Bob Barr in 2008.
ETHAN: Oh, so you throw away your votes.
ROB: Usually, but this time around I just voted for Romney.
ETHAN: Oh. Well, that was a very good decision.
ROB: I guess. Where’s the dip?
KIMBERLY: Right here.
(Rob takes a chip and dips it in the tobacco dip and then eats it)
ETHAN: Jesus Christ.
(Ethan and Kimberly walk away)
(Logan comes downstairs)
LOGAN: Hey, party people. It’s election day, so let’s hope the Democraps, or should I say, the DemoCRAPS get crushed.
KIMBERLY: You said Democraps the first time.
ETHAN: Also, that’s juvenile.
LOGAN: Well, I’ve been to juvenile detention before, so excuse me if I’m sometimes juvenile.
ETHAN: Fine, it’s infantile.
LOGAN: Well, I also went to Infantile Detention.
KIMBERLY: That doesn’t exist.
LOGAN: Well, it may have just been the time my dad accidentally left me in the dryer.
ETHAN: Oh my God, Logan, guests will be here soon, you have to hide in the attic.
LOGAN: Fine! I’ll stay in the attic! But how am I going to hear results of the election?
ETHAN: If you hear me melodramatically packing my bags so I can move to Mexico, Obama won.
KIMBERLY: Yeah, he threatens to do that every four years if the Democrat wins and guess what? He’s still here.
(The doorbell rings)
(Logan runs upstairs and Ethan walks over to his front door and opens it to see Evan and Ellen)
ETHAN: Oh, it’s just Evan and Ellen. They already know.
(Trey and Darcy Horn peek out from behind the Alexanders)
TREY: Know what?
ETHAN: Um, they know that Romney’s going to win!
(Evan and Ellen come in, as do Trey and Darcy. Ethan shuts the door as Kimberly puts up an “OBAMA/BIDEN 2012” sign)
ETHAN: Welcome, everybody. Make yourselves comfortable.
(Ellen, Evan, Trey and Darcy sit on the couch and chairs)
EVAN: It’s like six thirty, polls should be closing in Indiana and Kentucky soon.
KIMBERLY: I wonder who will win those states.
EVAN: I’m turning it on anyway!
(Evan turns on the TV to see Anderson Cooper, John King and Wolf Blitzer around the situation room election table)
WOLF BLITZER: Okay, what gimmick are we going to use to jazz up election night this time around?
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, in 2008 we used a hologram for some reason.
WOLF BLITZER: Right.
ANDERSON COOPER: This time we’ll use Siri.
WOLF BLITZER: Wow, we’re really running out of money.
ANDERSON COOPER: Yeah, our ratings are pretty dismal.
(Cut back to them watching CNN. Madeline and Jacob come downstairs and Ethan walks over to them)
ETHAN: Hey guys, where are you going?
MADELINE: I’m going to an Election watching party at Lilly’s house.
JACOB: I’m going to an election-noticing party at Roger’s house.
ETHAN: Guys, I thought you were going to stay here and watch the election here!
MADELINE: I never said that I would do that.
ETHAN: Guys, this is a Donahue family tradition, the election watching party! Remember four years ago? You guys stayed here for that!
JACOB: Yeah, but I’m not fourteen anymore.
MADELINE: And I’m not fifteen.
(Ryan walks in)
RYAN: And I’m not seventy-two, what are we doing?
JACOB: Dad wants us to stay for his election-watching party when Madeline has her own and I’m going to Roger’s house to acknowledge the election and then play Forza Motorsport!
RYAN: Well, I was actually going to go to Sarah’s house to watch the returns.
ETHAN: Oh, well this is great. Everybody’s abandoning my watch party!
RYAN: We were here for your 47th birthday party on Sunday!
ETHAN: Well two days ago was November fourth, which means four years ago you only stayed for my election watching party because November 4, 2008 was also my 43rd birthday! Well that’s a great epiphany! You know what? I didn’t want to have to do this, but I’m doing it. I am issuing a royal decree saying that the three of you HAVE to stay HERE for my election watch party!
JACOB: WHAT THE HELL?!
MADELINE: You can’t force me to do anything! I’m an adult and I don’ live here!
ETHAN: Fine! But Jacob and Ryan have to stay.
RYAN: I have a girlfriend who wants to watch the election with me, dad! And Jacob has his fake friends!
ETHAN: No way, you two are staying and that is FINAL! And this time, Ryan, you’re NOT running off to Washington D.C.!
(Ethan walks away. Cut to Mayor Sarandon giving a speech earlier in the day to a group congregated at Hansbay Town Center. He is on a soap box with a microphone)
MAYOR SARANDON: ATTENTION PEOPLE OF HANSBAY! BEWARE A MORDECAI LAUTENBERG MAYORALSHIP! HIS SON HAD A TORRID AFFAIR WITH ONE OF MY FORMER EMPLOYEES’ DAUGHTERS! IF HE CANNOT CONTROL HIS SON’S DICK, HOW CAN HE CONTROL A CITY IN CRISIS?!
(The crowd gasps. Mordecai walks over)
MORDECAI: What the hell is this?
MAYOR SARANDON: Ladies and gentlemen, do you want to know why I ran for office to begin with? Well, it all started in 1999 when I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich. I looked at the grilled
cheese sandwich and I saw the face of a messiah. A man who many years ago descended to Earth to heal the land. That’s right; I saw the face of Ronald Reagan in that sandwich. That’s what inspired
me in 2000 to run for office. I was but 38, but I knew the price of losing. (He takes out the old sandwich) I have kept it in my freezer since as a reminder of my duty to the people. I recently
thawed it so I could show it to you in all of its glory. This is part of the reason why I feel compelled to tell you the parental failings of Mordecai Lautenberg. His failure to raise his son not
to bang one of my ex-employees’ daughters is horrendous!
MORDECAI: WHAT THE HELL?! (Mordecai marches over and stands next to Mayor Sarandon) This man is LYING! My son is a fine boy who would never engage in lude activities with strange women!
MAYOR SARANDON: Now he’s saying women are strange?! Ladies, if you don’t be careful, Mr. Lautenberg will take away your reproductive rights!
MORDECAI: Aren’t you a Republican?
MAYOR SARANDON: I am a panderer first, a Republican second. A lover third and a Chevy owner first.
MORDECAI: This man has deceived you about the age of his sandwich! He probably made it this morning! Look! (Mordecai takes a bite out of the sandwich as the crowd gasps and he swallows the bite) Oh my God, that tasted old.
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus, Mordecai, what were you thinking?!
MORDECAI: I thinking I’m gonna be sick!
(Mayor Sarandon gets off his soap box and catches Mordecai when he falls and the crowd gathers around him. Cut to Brennan sitting in the hospital with Norman and Jeff)
BRENNAN: Have they called Vermont yet?
NORMAN: No, but I think Romney could win it.
BRENNAN: The election?
NORMAN: Not only that, but the state of Vermont.
BRENNAN: There’s no way Romney’s winning Vermont!
NORMAN: Hey, Gingrich said Romney would win over 300 electoral votes and Republicans would take the Senate, if he can say crazy delusional things with a pig-in-shit smile, I can.
BRENNAN: Ugh, could you get me some ice chips?
(Norman gets up and leaves the room. Brennan gets a call and he answers it)
BRENNAN: Hey Ryan, what’s up?
RYAN: (On the phone) Hey, is your dad in there?
BRENNAN: No, he went to get ice chips, why?
RYAN: He went to get mice dicks?
BRENNAN: Yeah, I need them for my arm.
RYAN: I’ll never understand alternative medicine.
RYAN: Anyway, my dad’s being a dyuck and isn’t letting me leave his election-watching party.
BRENNAN: Weren’t you going to Sarah’s?
RYAN: Yeah, but then Sarah’s mom will call my dad and have small talk about how I’m there and how we’re making out and how we’re making fun of Brit Hume’s jowls.
BRENNAN: Yeah. So what are you going to do?
RYAN: Well, I could shame him into letting me visit you.
BRENNAN: Try it.
(Suddenly, nurses and medics wheel Mordecai Lautenberg into the hospital room along while Mayor Sarandon runs behind him. They put him in place as Brennan hangs up)
MORDECAI: Ugh…damnit! Why did I eat that sandwich?!
MAYOR SARANDON: Why did you? I told you it was old!
MORDECAI: I thought you just made that up to get votes!
MAYOR SARANDON: No, I use my “saved twelve babies from Jaguars” story when I want to make shit up. Anyway, how do we save him, doctor?
MEDIC: First of all, I’m a medic, secondly-
BRENNAN: (Russian accent) Medic!
MEDIC: …Yeah, anyway, this isn’t a big deal; we just have to induce vomiting.
MAYOR SARANDON: I’ll do it.
MEDIC: No, that’s not necessary , I can do it.
MAYOR SARANDON: Kid, I want you to take a picture of me saving this man’s life.
MOREDCAI: CAN WE HURRY THIS UP PLEASE, MY STOMACH IS TEARING ITSELF TO SHREDS!
BRENNAN: You’re going to have to pay me.
MAYOR SARANDON: Fine, how much?
MORDECAI: JESUS, MEDIC, WHY DON’T YOU DO IT?
(The medic’s watching TV)
(Cut to the TV screen. Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury are covering the election)
PATRICK WHITE: We are now ready to call the state of Vermont and its three electoral votes for President Barack Obama.
(A graphic comes up with a picture of the President, the state of Vermont and a checkmark indicating his victory in the state)
FIONA CADBURY: In addition to that, the fiercely progressive socialist Independent Senator Bernie Sanders has defeated John MacGovern by a wide margin in the Senate race.
MEDIC: Did Randy Brock win the Governor’s race?
MORDECAI: I’M IN INCREDIBLE PAIN!
(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Trey and Evan in the kitchen talking to a slim black man and a white man with salt and pepper hair)
ETHAN: So, what are your names?
BLACK MAN: Oh, I’m Baldwin.
WHITE MAN: And I’m Matt.
ETHAN: Nice to meet you two.
BALDWIN: Nice to meet you.
MATT: It’s a pleasure.
KIMBERLY: So, are you two new in the neighborhood?
BALDWIN: Well, it’s a funny story, actually. I’ve lived here for almost four years, I’m a tenant at a house a few streets over. But Matt here is now offering my landlord a large sum of money for the house, so now she has to choose who she’d rather have as a tenant.
MATT: Yeah, and it has to be me. Baldwin owes a lot of yen to that Chinese fellow down the street.
BALDWIN: Most of that was the tenant before me. And I’ve taken care of the house well, I’ve begun to strengthen the beams that caused the collapse of the deck under the last tenant, I’m almost done cleaning out the medicine cabinet, I had that raccoon in the basement killed and I’ve created 4.5 household chores for my kids which means they can have some extra allowance in their pocket. Plus, I fixed that rusty old car in the backyard!
MATT: 4.5 chores is not enough, Baldwin. I will create 12 more chores! Plus, I will stop taking so much out of my kid’s allowance to pay for the 47% of my family that just sits around doing nothing! Like my elderly mother, my injured war veteran father and of course my meth-adducted brother who’ll live in our basement should your landlord choose me.
ETHAN: You two look so familiar. What’s your line of work, Matt?
MATT: I work in private equity.
KIMBERLY: What about you, Baldwin?
BALDWIN: I’m a community organizer.
KIMBERLY: It’s weird, but you two remind me of two other people I know.
ETHAN: Yeah, me too.
MATT: I think we just have one of those faces.
ETHAN: That can’t be it.
BALDWIN: You know Matt, I made sure my son stopped egging that house owned by that Iraqi family across the street, okay? I have done a good job as a tenant.
MATT: Everybody in your household is dependent on you for food.
BALDWIN: Well I don’t want them to starve!
MATT: When you cleaned out that medicine cabinet you threw away some of your grandma’s pills and it was tantamount to a paternal takeover of the medicine cabinet.
BALDWIN: You’re out of your mind!
ETHAN: Alright gentleman, let’s simmer down here.
EVAN: Speaking of simmering down, who wants to hot tub?
KIMBERLY: We don’t have a hot tub, plus we can’t watch the election results if we’re in a hot tub.
EVAN: We have a hot tub and we have a TV outside so we can watch TV while we swim.
ETHAN: Wow, you guys like TV.
EVAN: Very much so.
ETHAN: Well, listen-
TREY: Hey, look what the TV is saying!
(They all go over to the TV to see Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at the news desk)
PATRICK WHITE: Polls are currently very close in the swing states of Ohio and Florida. President Obama is currently slightly ahead in both states but we are abstaining to call the races in those states yet. I will be at this desk until this is resolved even if that means I have to shit in a bag.
ETHAN: Oh, dear God no. Please don’t let this go on for a month.
FIONA CADBURY: Unfortunately, there are much more provisional ballots in Ohio than expected and those will not be counted for eleven days.
TREY: Let’s hunker down, people.
(Jacob walks from downstairs)
JACOB: Any news?
ETHAN: No, it’s still too close to call in Ohio and Florida.
JACOB: No, I mean on the pot legalization measures in Colorado and Washington.
ETHAN: They have those?!
JACOB: Yeah. Plus, in Los Angeles, they have porn on the ballot.
ETHAN: Porn? Oh my God, those sodomite Los Angeles people can’t go a minute without being titillated.
JACOB: No, they don’t have literal porn on the ballot, they have porn-related ballot initiatives.
PATRICK WHITE: We have a major projection.
(Ryan comes in)
RYAN: Oh my God, are they about to call Ohio?
PATRICK WHITE: We here at Hansbay Action News are ready to project that the state of Utah will be won by Governor Mitt Romney.
(They all groan)
RYAN: Anyway, dad, can I go please visit Brennan in the hospital?
ETHAN: Ryan, this is still my house and you are staying here and watching the election coverage with me.
PATRICK WHITE: Meanwhile, the Mayoral race here in Hansbay is too close to call despite originally likely to be a landslide for the Democratic nominee Mordecai Lautenberg. However, he was taken to the hospital for food poisoning after embarrassingly taking a bite of Mayor Sarandon’s famous Reagan sandwich. Mayor Sarandon is currently at the hospital with him, according to sources. This in addition to the revelation that Mordecai Lautenberg’s son allegedly had sex with the daughter of an ex-employee of Sarandon’s.
ETHAN: …Ryan. Go to the hospital. Try to find Mayor Sarandon and Mordecai Lautenberg and please smother Mayor Sarandon.
RYAN: I will not do that, but I’ll deliver the basic message you’re trying to get across here.
ETHAN: I’m trying to get the message of “hmphhh hmphhh!” across here. Do it.
RYAN: Alright then, bye.
(Ryan leaves. Cut to Ryan walking into Brennan’s hospital room to see Mayor Sarandon sitting by Mordecai while Brennan sits in his bed as well)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ryan?
RYAN: Hello, Brennan, Mayor Sarandon. (Ryan walks over to Brennan and sits by him) Brennan, how are you feeling?
BRENNAN: I’m feeling better. My dad has been at the ice machine for a while.
RYAN: Yeah, well guess who else has been at the ice machine for a while?
BRENNAN: Um, who else?
(Ryan walks over to Mayor Sarandon)
MAYOR SARANDON: That doesn’t make any sense.
RYAN: Or maybe it makes too much sense. Listen Mr. Mayor, Ethan saw how you used Maddie’s relationship with Kyle as an attack on Mordecai’s character.
MAYOR SARANDON: I intentionally left both of them anonymous.
RYAN: Yeah, but there’s only one person who has quit working for you recently and most kids at my school already know about Madeline and Kyle’s relationship, so people know what you’re talking about and you chose to release ads about them.
MAYOR SARANDON: I haven’t seen the particular ads you’re talking about, but whatever they say, I stand by them.
RYAN: Don’t do the stupid politician trick, okay? Why would you use Madeline like that you fucking dick?
MAYOR SARANDON: I…I don’t know, I…being Mayor is the only thing I have left in my life. My wife is dead, I have no girlfriend and I’m in legal trouble. I would do anything to hang onto the reins of power. But now I see I must-
PATRICK WHITE: We have a major projection in the Hansbay Mayoral race, due in large part to an eleventh hour scandal regarding Mordecai Lautenberg’s son and the fact that he got sick by taking a bite of Mayor Sarandon’s famous Reagan sandwich, Mordecai Lautenberg has lost the Hansbay Mayoral race by a thin margin with 100% of the vote in, which means Mayor Sarandon will be Mayor of Hansbay for another four years, unless of course he is convicted for embezzlement.
(Mayor Sarandon jumps up)
MAYOR SARANDON: YES! YEAH! WOO! DAMNIT, THAT FEELS GOOD! I WON!
RYAN: What were you about to say though?!
MAYOR SARANDON: Um, fuck if I know. I’m going to mosey. Have fun with Brennan or whatever.
(Mayor Sarandon leaves)
RYAN: Wow…just wow.
(Ryan walks over and sits down next to Brennan and they just sit for a few seconds)
BRENNAN: So…how’s therapy going?
RYAN: It’s pretty cool. Sometimes we play Jenga while talking about our issues with drugs. Other times we play Jenga behind the building.
RYAN: Well, “playing Jenga” is a euphemism for abusing paint thinner.
(Brennan and Ryan laugh)
FIONA CADBURY: We’re going to cut live to a Sarandon Victory Rally at June Park.
BRENNAN: How did he get there so fast?!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon behind a podium at June Park)
MAYOR SARANDON: Ladies and gentleman. Today we defied the expectations of the cynics who claimed we were going to lose in a landslide just because I’m under investigation for embezzlement. Well, we showed them that we will not let baseless or even baseful accusations sink the dreams of a candidate with an eleven year record of helping Hansbay and a vision for the future! (Applause) A vision where we are free from homelessness, because we make sure they leave and go to where they belong! Burlington! (Applause) Finally, although my sandwich has been partially consumed by my opponent, I am once again inspired by food. (He holds up a breakfast sandwich) This sandwich has a burn mark on the top that kind of looks like a cross between Lady Gaga and the second actress to play Laurie Forman on That 70s Show, that gives me hope! (Applause) Remember, despite what Mr. Lautenberg says, when it comes to all the roads and businesses and whore houses in Hansbay, WE BUILT THAT!
Mordecai wakes up)
MORDECAI: Are they still enamored with that “You didn’t build that” comment?
RYAN: Looks that way.
MORDECAI: That fucking Goy.
RYAN: Goy vey! Right?
PATRICK WHITE: We’re going to have to interrupt Mayor Sarandon’s victory speech for some news. Hansbay Action News is projecting the state of Colorado for President Barack Obama.
(Ryan and Brennan high five. Cut to Jacob, Ethan, Kimberly, Trey, Evan, Baldwin and Matt watching the TV)
MATT: 10,000 dollar bet that I get the house.
BALDWIN: Doubtful. My landlord’s a black gay female auto worker.
ETHAN: Shut up guys, we’re coming up on eleven o’clock here.
PATRICK WHITE: It is now eleven o’clock and we are going to make several projections. Hansbay Action News is projecting that the states of California, Hawaii, Washington and Oregon will go for President Barack Obama, which dramatically increases his electoral vote count. This entire election is now hinging on whether we can make a projection in Ohio or whether or not Antonin Scalia develops a soul.
ETHAN: Oh my God, Romney can still pull this out, right? The vote in Ohio’s only 69% in!
KIMBERLY: There’s no way Romney will win Ohio. He said “Let Detroit go Bankrupt” and the car industry is pretty big in Ohio too.
ETHAN: Whatever. We don’t need Ohio; they have a town called Lebanon. That’s un-American.
EVAN: Alright, King of Cognitive Dissonance.
(Jacob and Rob walk over)
JACOB: Getting tickets to Canada, dad?
ROB: Romney could still pull this out. And if he doesn’t, then we ARE moving to Canada.
JACOB: Yeah, you can escape the threat of ObamaCare’s socialized medicine by going to a country with actual socialized medicine.
ETHAN: Well where are we going to move, Mexico?
JACOB: You could move to Colorado. That’s where I’m going.
ETHAN: You have to be twenty-one to smoke pot in Colorado.
(Cut to Ryan and Brennan in the hospital room)
BRENNAN: So…you’re still dating Sarah?
RYAN: Uh, yeah. Nothing has changed in the last couple hours, so yeah.
BRENNAN: Okay. Because I thought you were bi.
RYAN: Um, I am.
BRENNAN: Then why are you dating a girl?
RYAN: Do you know what Bi means?
BRENNAN: Fine, it’s just…even when you broke up with Michele you didn’t hook up with me except for the little fling we had a month and a half ago.
RYAN: That’s exactly what it was, Brennan. A fling. I mean, I have a variety of fetishes. Man on woman, man on man, woman on man, Man VS. Wild, car on man, you name it.
BRENNAN: What’s car on man?
RYAN: Videos of people being hit with cars.
BRENNAN: Alright then. So I’m not a serious option for you?
RYAN: Brennan, you know I’ll go to you when I’m single as an aquifer of stress relief, but…you’re not what I would describe as a serious candidate for my boyfriend at this point.
PATRICK WHITE: Fiona, I’m going to have to interrupt you there-
FIONA CADBURY: I wasn’t saying anything.
PATRICK WHITE: Hansbay Action News is ready to make a major projection. President Barack Obama, 51 years old has been re-elected to a second term as President of the United States.
(Ryan and Brennan cheer profusely and Ryan jumps around, hugs Brennan and then goes over to kiss Mordecai, much to his surprise. Cut to Jacob, Kimberly and Baldwin jumping around and hugging in excitement while Ethan, Trey, Darcy, Evan, Ellen, Rob and Matt look dumbfounded and disappointed. Cut to Patrick White)
PATRICK WHITE: We are projecting Barack Obama has won Ohio, which puts him over the 270 electoral votes required to become President and thus he has won a second term as President.
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon and his staff watching the returns, they all look angry)
MAYOR SARANDON: …We need a revolution.
TATUM: Do we really?
MAYOR SARANDON: We do. Well, until tomorrow morning we do.
(Cut to shots of crowds in Chicago cheering for the President’s re-election victory. Then cut to Ryan and Brennan leaving his hospital room, Brennan is still in his gown. Brennan is using his crutches while Ryan is running down the hallway cheering while Doctors and nurses scramble after them. Cut to Ryan and Brennan entering the Donahue household to see Ethan, Rob, Trey, Darcy, Evan, Matt and Ellen sitting around the coffee table with a bottle of Vodka in the middle. They all have glasses of vodka in their hands. Meanwhile, Jacob, Kimberly and Baldwin are drinking champagne in the kitchen)
JACOB: Wow, why is Brennan in a hospital gown?
RYAN: We escaped from the hospital, that’s why!
BRENNAN: Honestly, I didn’t need to be there anymore anyway, I only broke my leg and arm. Plus my spleen hurts like a bastard!
JACOB: That sounds serious.
ETHAN: Not as serious as the ramifications of an Obama second term. He’s going to force us all to drive solar panel-fueled Priuses full of weed and gay marriage licenses to deliver to the masses of depraved gay souls looking for a quick, easy life commitment.
RYAN: I remember you making that exact prognostication four years ago, and it didn’t come to fruition.
ETHAN: That’s because Obama was worried about re-election! Now he’s unrestrained.
RYAN: Oh, is that why?
ETHAN: That is why. Did you get any info on Sarandon by the way?
RYAN: Yeah, he’s sorry, but he won, so…draw your own conclusions.
ETHAN: Here’s my conclusion. I don’t care if you two have different opinions than me, but the LEAST you can do is spend time with me every once in a while.
(Ethan gets up and goes upstairs, leaving everyone feeling awkward. Suddenly, Norman comes in with a bucket of ice)
NORMAN: Sorry, I fell asleep at the ice machines. Have polls in Ohio closed yet?
(They all stay silent. Cut to Mayor Sarandon speaking on the phone late at night)
MAYOR SARANDON: Sorry about your loss, Mitt.
MITT ROMNEY: (On the phone) I appreciate your condolences. But sometimes I think it’s my fault.
MAYOR SARANDON: Sometimes?
MITT ROMNEY: I mean, I never kept my position on anything. I was beginning to wonder why I even wanted to be President, and-
(Cut to footage of Governor Romney announcing his candidacy in June 2011 as “Some Nights” by Fun begins playing. At “some nights I wish that my lips could build a castle”, it cuts to Governor Romney speaking during the first debate. At “Some nights I wish they’d just fall off” it cuts to Romney being corrected at the second debate. Then for the next part it cuts to Romney in 2002 saying he’s pro-choice, but then to 2007 saying he’s pro-life. Then cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Madeline, Ryan, Mayor Sarandon and Governor Romney sitting at Mayor Sarandon’s dinner table in his mansion in March 2012. Then cut to Governor Romney cutting Ryan’s hair in May 2012. Then cut to Governor Romney standing next to Ryan’s parents at the police station while Ryan was being interviewed in May 2012. Then cut to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon having dinner with GOP insiders including Mitt Romney at the August 2012 RNC. At “This is it boys, this is war” we cut to footage from a slew of Romney’s deceitful ads and then footage of Mayor Sarandon telling Ethan to leave his office in early October 2012. At “Martyr in my bed tonight” it cuts to Ethan and Kimberly in bed together, but then it cuts to Ethan cooking breakfast while Jacob and Ryan zoom past him, out the door. At “Wish this all would end”, it cuts to footage from Romney’s concession speech. At “friends for a change”, it cuts to Ethan and Mayor Sarandon watching the debate together. At “I’m scared you’ll forget me again” it cuts to Kimberly and Ethan arguing. At “Some nights I always win” it cuts to Romney speaking at the first debate once again. At “I still see your ghost” it cuts to footage of George Romney and then it cuts to Ethan kneeling before a Wikipedia picture of Jesus on his computer screen while praying and wearing a cross necklace in September 2012. At “What do I stand for?” it cuts to Romney saying pulling out of Iraq was tragic and then it cuts to Romney saying “we don’t want another Iraq”. Then it cuts to Ethan’s bathroom where a line of lipstick is going down the middle of the mirror. On one side of the line it says “THIS IS WHAT YOU BELIEVE” and on the other side it says “THIS IS WHAT YOU DO”. Then, at “I sold my soul for this”, it shows Romney signing RomneyCare and then it shows him vowing to repeal ObamaCare. At “Who the fuck wants to die alone” it shows Ethan and Kimberly grasping hands at the dinner table in October 2012. At “You won’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lie” we alternate between footage of deceitful Romney ads, Mayor Sarandon denying allegations at a press conference, Ethan letting Logan into his house, Romney Campaign stops, Ethan bribing Vice Chair Edelman and Ethan talking to Matthew Chambliss on the phone. As the song quiets down and ends, we cut to President Obama’s acceptance speech in Chicago)
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I BELIEVE we can seize this future together. Because we are not as divided as our politics suggest. We’re not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are GREATER than the sum of our individual ambitions! And we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states, we are and forever will be the UNITED States of America! And TOGETHER, with your help and God’s grace, we will continue our journey forward! And remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth! Thank you, America! God BLESS these United States!
(The uproarious cheers continue as the screen fades to black)
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