“The manipulation of my mind is not something I take fine. But if you must I must ask you to only destroy what is not true, because the things that I hold dear will always be the things I fear”
(We start with Ryan in Mr. Pannell’s room. He is sketching something on a piece of paper when Mr. Pannell comes in and goes up to the head of the classroom)
MR. PANNELL: Attention. (Everybody looks up at him) I think some of you suffer from the mistaken impression that I like you. (The students laugh) Just to be clear, I don’t. (They laugh more) Now, let’s begin studying the Crucible. I trust all of you have your chapter one analysis sheets done? (Everybody except Ryan hold up their analysis sheets) What’s so convenient about you guys doing that is I can single out the one person who doesn’t. Ryan? Do you have your analysis sheet?
MR. PANNELL: You should at this point rotate your head in a horizontal fashion indicative of a negative or you move your head in a vertical motion indicative of a positive.
RYAN: No, sir. I do not have the analysis sheet.
MR. PANNELL: You either have it, or you don’t.
RYAN: I don’t.
MR. PANNELL: Enough excuses.
RYAN: I’m not making excuses; I’m telling you I don’t have it.
MR. PANNELL: Kids, you’ve got to realize something, this class doesn’t matter! This sheet we’re about to analyze doesn’t matter! In ten years you won’t even remember having to do this sheet or forgetting to do it! You’ll be with your kids, or your wife, or your boss, maybe your wife will be with your boss and your kids will suffer through it all. Whatever it is, this, right now, may seem like the end of the world, but forgetting this is not a big deal in the long run!
RYAN: So does that mean I’m fine?
MR. PANNELL: No, come with me in the hall, please.
RYAN: Oh Jesus.
MR. PANNELL: Hey! That’s my God you’re talking about!
(Ryan gets up and two of them come out in the hall. Mr. Pannell extends his fist and Ryan pounds it)
MR. PANNELL: Ryan, you can do better than this. I ask you to bring in a simple analysis of something and you bring in a half-baked assignment?
RYAN: I didn’t bring in anything.
MR. PANNELL: Even more half-baked!
RYAN: No baked.
(Mr. Pannell extends his fist and Ryan sighs and pounds it)
MR. PANNELL: Listen, you are not going to fail this class. Nobody has ever failed this class because I have always made sure their grades are above a seventy, but I will sham you into doing well with as many “come to Jesus” meetings in the hallway as possible and if that doesn’t convince you to do well and to think about what you’re doing, we’ll have a “come to Noah” moment and I’ll dump your body in Lake Champlain.
RYAN: Yes sir.
MR. PANNELL: So can you do it during lunch?
RYAN: Yes sir.
MR. PANNELL: Sweet. (Mr. Pannell extends his fist and Ryan pounds it. Then they both come back in and Ryan sits down and Mr. Pannell goes back up to the front of the class) Alright everybody, today we are going to compare analysis sheets on The Crucible. I will be eavesdropping on you and if I hear you make some salient points, I will make a mental note of it. Those mental notes can be then traded in for cognitive understandings which can then be traded in for fist bumps.
RYAN: Wouldn’t you say we have an ample supply of those?
(Mr. Pannell extends his fist towards Ryan, who reluctantly pounds it)
MR. PANNELL: Remember, the points have got to be salient and analytical. Maybe you could say that the puritan witch hunt was justified because the Devil exists in the hearts of those tempted by sin. Just saying. Okay, get into groups!
(Everybody turns their desks towards their partners. Ryan turns his desk towards Zach, Blake and one other kid)
RYAN: So, let’s analyze the Incrucible.
BLAKE: The Incrucible?
RYAN: The Incredibles.
BLAKE: Not closer.
ZACH: Oh my God, this is so annoying. Two books about Puritanism in a row. Should we even analyze the book, how is he going to know?
BLAKE: Dude, we have to analyze it, we want him to be impressed by us!
RYAN: Blake’s right, I so desire his admiration.
ZACH: Yeah, so do I. I don’t know why, but I do.
RYAN: He’s just so…interesting. And he’s pretty funny.
BLAKE: And he shames you into getting good grades! Who else does that?
RYAN: Alright, let’s make some good points really loudly so he can hear us.
BLAKE: Good idea. SO, JOHN PROCTOR WANTS TO LIVE BUT CANNOT DARE TO LIE TO ACHIEVE THAT END!
MR. PANNELL: Shut-shut up!
RYAN: You know what’s even cooler though?
RYAN: I heard that starting next week, he’s also going be our History teacher because Mr. Harkins is retiring.
MR. PANNELL: Was that salient point?
ZACH: No, I was just saying yes-
MR. PANNELL: Make some salient points!
(Cut to Mayor Sarandon sitting in a court room next to his lawyer, David Merkely. On the other side is the lawyer for the prosecution and his confidants)
MAYOR SARANDON: So what’s the defense here, David?
DAVID: We’ve interpreted a law the city council passed that authorized use of tax money for Hansbay business expenses as the justification for your wildly extravagant boon doggle.
MAYOR SARANDON: Pussy doggle.
DAVID: No, you call it a poon doggle, pussy doggle makes no sense.
MAYOR SARANDON: Okay, we should whisper to each other a little bit more just so it looks good for the cameras.
(They whisper nonsense to each other for a while until a police officer comes to the head of the court room)
POLICE OFFICER: Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. Please rise for the honorable Judge Benjamin McGlynn.
(He walks away, everybody rises and Judge McGlynn takes his seat and slams his gavel)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: The seventh district court of Chittenden County will come to order. Everybody, please take a seat.
(Everybody except Mayor Sarandon and David take a seat)
MAYOR SARANDON: (Whispering) Who is this sap? I thought we were getting Judge Sullivan, my ex-employee’s son’s friend’s dad!
DAVID: (Whispering) No, he and his son moved to Russia earlier this month. Plus he usually handled civil cases.
MAYOR SARANDON: So we get this fucking rube schmuck sap idiot?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Sarandon? Mr. Merkely?
DAVID: Yes your honor?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Sit the fuck down.
DAVID: Oh shit, sorry.
(They both sit down)
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Sarandon, you are being charged with gross misuse of public funds, how do you plead?
MAYOR SARANDON: Not guilt, your honor.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Donovan, you may present the prosecution’s case.
(TJ Donovan, the head prosecutor for Chittenden County, begrudgingly rises from his chair and stretches. He then walks to the front of the room)
TJ DONOVAN: Hey. Um…I apologize for my lethargy and relatively slovenly appearance, my tie clip is missing. It’s just that…almost three months ago I lost a primary race for Attorney General to the
current AG Bill Sorrell. And Sorrell won on Tuesday night, so…I’m just feeling a tad bitter about him winning his 150th term while I’m still dealing with Chittenden County shit. Anyway, um…Mayor
Sarandon misused public funds to play-pay for a boon doggle-I mean poon doggle, ugh, I can’t speak right when I’m down in the dumps, you know? Shit, you’re blowing this!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Don’t be so hard on yourself.
TJ DONOVAN: I’m talking to you, your honor!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: What did I do?!
TJ DONOVAN: Your honor, Mayor Sarandon is a baby rapist and a puppy murderer, he deserves life in hell!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Wow, you way over-corrected there passion-wise, especially since that’s not what he’s being accused of and “life in Hell” is not a real sentence.
TJ DONOVAN: What do you think marriage is? Eh? (Silence) C’mon, nobody?
MAYOR SARANDON: I’m not even married.
TJ DONOVAN: Goddamnit, man. Mayor Sarandon knowingly and willingly misused public funds to pay for an extravagant GSA-style boon doggle to the Cayman Islands. He has duped the people of Hansbay into paying for an ostentatious journey apropos of a General Services Administration-type journey to the Cayman Islands. He has pilfered local tax money from hardworking citizens to finance an egotistic voyage to the Cayman Islands that some might expect from a GSA memo.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: You’ve said the same thing like three times.
TJ DONOVAN: Oh, and I have three times the proof, your honor.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Do you have exhibit A, Mr. Donovan?
TJ DONOVAN: You know it!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Don’t be cute, just present it.
TJ DONOVAN: Okay then. (TJ pulls out a check for 12,000 dollars from the Vermont Department of Taxes and made out to the City Government of Hansbay, Vermont for “Official poon-related Government activities”) This check is Exhibit A, your honor. Does it look like this was for official government functions, your honor? “Poon-related activities”? Your honor, I would like to call Vermont Department of Taxes commissioner Mary Peterson to the stands.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: I’ll allow it.
(Mary Peterson walks up to the stands and a cop comes over and holds out a bible, which Mary then puts her hand on and raises her right hand)
COP: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
MARY PETERSON: As God as my witness I declare to you I will tell the truth for I am a-
(The cop leaves and Mary sits down)
TJ DONOVAN: Ms. Peterson, did Mayor Sarandon contact you in late April 2012 regarding a request of public funds for official government functions?
MARY PETERSON: Yes. I remember it was 1 am and I had gotten up because my feet were killing me and then suddenly as I was getting some muffins from my pantry I received a call from Mayor Sarandon and he said he wanted money for official government purposes and I licked my lips and said that he should call me about it in the morning and he said that it was the morning and he was technically correct, so I said-
TJ DONOVAN: Ms. Peterson, please. Can you boil it down to the basics?
MARY PETERSON: If you please. He asked money from me for stuff and I said sure. Turns out that money was used for an expensive doggle to the Caymans.
TJ DONOVAN: An expensive doggle to the Caymans. 12,000 dollars for plane ride to and fro and a hotel. There were also numerous expenses listed for other things including Bacardi, a prostitute named Bacardi, a rental car, a re-rental car and I don’t even know what that is, a Tron DVD, two subscriptions to the Lowe’s Catalogue, fourteen slabs of concrete, two turtles, two doves, two turtle doves, a book on zoology-
MAYOR SARANDON: So we could find out what turtle doves are.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Order.
TJ DONOVAN: Thank you, your honor, but just out of curiosity, what are turtle doves?
MAYOR SARANDON: They’re like Turkish Doves.
TJ DONOVAN: Oh okay.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Order, please.
TJ DONOVAN: They even bought camouflage shorts, which is egregious, not just because it was with public funds, I mean come on, they’re awful. We must not stand for this nonsense!
MARY PETERSON: Can I go?
TJ DONOVAN: Yeah.
(Mary Peterson leaves the stands. Cut to Madeline, Cameron and Kyle at a soup kitchen serving soup to people)
MADELINE: I think this is great what we’re doing for the people rendered homeless by Hurricane Sandy.
CAMERON: I agree. (He looks toward the camera) And if you want to help, just go to www.redcross.org and donate generously.
MADELINE: Who are you talking to?
(Cameron faces towards Madeline)
CAMERON: I was talking to you.
MADELINE: You were looking over there
(Madeline points toward the camera)
CAMERON: Yeah, well that’s how people talk to each other in retro video games.
KYLE: You know, it’s good we’re serving soup to hungry people, otherwise we’d be like Paul Ryan and serve soup to people who are full just for the photo op. (Kyle chuckles) C’mon, that was gold!
MADELINE: Yeah, but they already lost, so it’s like beating them while they’re down.
WOMAN IN SOUP LINE: I used to own a hedge fund!
MADELINE: Wow, Sandy really did a number on you, I’m sorry.
WOMAN IN SOUP LINE: No, it had nothing to do with Sandy, I just lost a lot of money in the hedge fund.
MADELINE: Ah. Here’s your soup.
(Madeline fills her bowl full of soup. She then looks over to see Oliver sitting with his family, eating soup)
KYLE: Hey, do you know that guy?
MADELINE: What? No, I don’t know him, who are you talking about though?
KYLE: The guy in the blue jacket, he’s a younger guy.
MADELINE: Yeah, I don’t know that guy.
KYLE: Well, his name is Oliver and he was a volunteer for my dad back when my dad was running for the Democratic nomination for Mayor back in 2008.
KYLE: Yeah. My dad lost that battle though.
MADELINE: Yeah, well your dad also lost on Tuesday.
KYLE: Yeah, well he WON the battle against choking on a matzo ball one time, so…
MADELINE: I guess. How did he lose against an indicted Mayor anyway?
KYLE: He ate a bad sandwich or something, I don’t know, I don’t really follow my dad’s political career much.
MADELINE: So you’re kind of like Sasha and Malia Obama.
KYLE: Yeah. Anyway, Oliver is beginning to find volunteers for Rhode Island Senator Jack Reed’s re-election campaign in 2014.
MADELINE: Wow, the last election was literally three days ago and he’s already preparing for the 2014 midterm election for a Senator in a deep blue state who has already won re-election twice?
KYLE: You can never be too early. I already have a “Biden/Warren 2020” re-election sticker. Anyway, he was hoping to interview some people for the job. Are you interested?
(Madeline smiles devilishly)
KYLE: Okay. I’ll put in a good word for you.
(Madeline turns toward Kyle)
MADELINE: No, don’t put in a good word for me.
KYLE: Should I put in a bad word for you? Like Madeline Donahue’s the fucking best?
MADELINE: No, don’t mention my name. He’ll probably recognize the Donahue in my name because my dad used to work for your dad’s opponent and he’ll freak out!
KYLE: I don’t really think he’ll care-
MADELINE: He will flip a shit and probably start throwing things at you!
KYLE: I don’t think so-
MADELINE: Do you want him to hit you?!
KYLE: I guess not, I just don’t think-
MADELINE: Tell him my name is Maddie…Liberalpants.
KYLE: You want me to tell him your name is Maddie Liberalpants?
MADELINE: I fuckin’ said it, didn’t I?
KYLE: I’m doing you a favor, the least you could do is not yell at me.
MADELINE: You’re right, sorry.
KYLE: Yeah and I still don’t know why you want me to tell him a different name.
MADELINE: C’mon Kyle…would you do this one thing for me?
(Madeline touches both of his hands and he blushes, smiles, looks down and then looks back up)
KYLE: Okay Madeline. Maddie Liberalpants it is.
(Pan to a man holding a soup bowl)
MAN: Yeah, my Rhode Island beach house migrated to Iowa for the winter, so can I get some soup up in this bitch?
MADELINE: Yeah, sorry.
(Madeline pours soup into his bowl. Cut to Ryan sitting down at lunch with Brennan, Michael, Sarah, Michelle and Delaware)
RYAN: Hey guys.
SARAH: Hey Ryan.
BRENNAN: Ryan, how’s tricks, my friend?
RYAN: Tricks is good. And they’re for kids.
SARAH: So Ryan, it’s a Friday, what are you doing tonight?
RYAN: Uh, well I was planning on watching Netflix until my eyes wanted to crawl out of their sockets and move to a more active person’s body, but I guess you want me to do something else.
SARAH: Yeah, I do!
RYAN: Then what’s that?
SARAH: We should go to Town Center.
RYAN: It’s freezing there, though. Plus, they haven’t cleaned up the glitter, alcohol, urine and vomit left over from the Obama re-election celebration there on Tuesday.
DELAWARE: Why were people peeing because Obama was re-elected?
RYAN: Maybe they were watching FOX News project the win.
SARAH: I’m sure they’ve cleaned most of it up.
RYAN: Okay, fine. Anyway, I gotta work on-
MICHAEL: Hey, does anybody why Principal Maxell is cracking down on kids going off campus for lunch?
RYAN: I have a few theories, Michael. He wants people to spend their money here to buy their lunch. That’s actually my only theory.
MICHAEL: Well they’re making us eat this filth! (He points to his government-provided lunch) Apparently the feds raised the nutrition standards on school lunches and now it tastes like what I imagine twead tastes like and the portions are ridiculously small!
RYAN: You think twead tastes like nachos and pear sauce? Also, there are non-government provided meals literally fifty feet away that are much larger and less healthy than those.
MICHAEL: I know, I already bought some!
RYAN: Then what happened to it?
MICHAEL: I took a couple bites and threw it away because I wanted a fucking gallon of pear sauce, but now I have this small-ass government ration of World War II era pear sauce!
RYAN: Well, they did pay for your lunch and now you’re bitching about it. Also, you threw away the rest of the food, so you have no warrant to complain.
MICHAEL: It still tastes like twead.
MICHELLE: What is twead?
BRENNAN: I think it’s used to make rope.
SARAH: No, that’s hemp.
RYAN: Ugh, I don’t have time for this; I have to get some work-
SARAH: Don’t they feed twead to horses?
RYAN: No, no! That doesn’t sound right. That can’t be it.
DELAWARE: They use it to make vodka.
RYAN: No, that’s potatoes. Damnit, why do I care about this?!
(Scott, Barbara and Cooper walk in the back door of the school holding bags of Taco Bell)
SCOTT: That was awesome. You can say “Olay” to that Taco Bell employee, he’s a goner!
COOPER: He kicked us out. He really never should’ve let us in to begin with.
SCOTT: That’s on him! You can say “ARRIBA” to him!
(Principal Maxell walks up to three as a bunch of the lunch room turns around in their seats, including Ryan’s table)
RYAN: Shit’s going down.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Oh, what’s this now? (Principal Maxell smacks the Taco Bell bag out of Scott’s hand) Huh? BITCH?! MR. WHITE!
SCOTT: There’s no crystal meth in that bag.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Why would you say that then?
SCOTT: Because you were quoting Breaking Bad.
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: You guys need to realize that eating off campus is forbidden by district policy and I’m cracking down. While I’m at it I should check your cars for illegal immigrants you could’ve smuggled in on the way back.
COOPER: Immigrants from South Burlington?
PRINCIPAL MAXELL: MY OFFICE! NOW!
(They all follow him as the entire cafeteria “oohs”)
MICHAEL: OOH! Ha! Losers.
RYAN: Oh my God, there’s something I need to do.
(Cut to David Merkely standing before the court)
DAVID: Ladies and gentleman of the jury, you guys are hot, sexy and ready to dole out justice, I get that. But this is an innocent man! Justice doled out to an innocent man is like giving a life sentence to George Zimmerman. (The jury groans) I mean, Casey Anthony. (They groan more) …Lance Armstrong? (They nod their heads in agreement, except for a stereotypical Frenchman who is wearing a beret, a striped shirt and a mustache and is shaking his head) Okay, good. Mayor Sarandon and the other two employees of his who will remain anonymous for the time being were simply attempting to increase mortality amongst the employees.
MAYOR SARANDON: MORALE!
DAVID: Yes, my apologies, morale. Stenographer, strike morality from the record, please.
(Pan to the stenographer)
STENOGRAPHER: What? Oh, I don’t actually write anything, this is all on camera.
DAVID: Then, why are you here?
STENOGRAPHER: Front row seat to history, bitch.
DAVID: Your honor, I want that stricken from the record.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: She’s not keeping a record.
DAVID: Well, I want them to edit the footage then!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: I’m not sure if that’s legal.
DAVID: We’ll decide that in a separate court case. Let’s get back to the subject at hand. Mr. Sarandon is innocent because in 2011 there was a law the city council passed that authorized use of tax money for Hansbay business expenses which makes his trip to the Cayman Islands entirely wi-uh, with merit.
STENOGRAPHER: You phrased that a little awkwardly.
DAVID: Well, maybe I can go back and change it-OH WAIT!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Order! Mr. Merkely, do you have any witnesses?
DAVID: Yes, your honor. I’d like to call Brian Leonard Sarandon to the stands.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Without objection.
(Mayor Sarandon walks up to the stands and the cop walks over and holds out the bible and Mayor Sarandon puts his hand on it and raises his right hand)
COP: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
MAYOR SARANDON: Sure.
COP: What’s that?
MAYOR SARANDON: Yes.
COP: I couldn’t quite hear you.
MAYOR SARANDON: I said ye-
(The cop runs his finger up the torso of the Mayor and flicks his nose)
MAYOR SARANDON: What the hell?!
(The cop walks away and Mayor Sarandon sits down)
DAVID: Mr. Sarandon, where were you on April 31, 2012?
MAYOR SARANDON: I was arriving at the Cayman Islands with two co-workers in order to attend a morale-boosting government meeting.
DAVID: What was the purpose of this meeting, Mr. Mayor?
MAYOR SARANDON: To boost morale.
DAVID: And did it achieve its intended purpose?
MAYOR SARANDON: Well, besides leading to my indictment, yeah!
(David, the judge, jury and gallery laugh)
DAVID: Superb, Mr. Mayor. One last question, what kind of policies did you discuss on this trip?
TJ: OBJECTION! Irrelevant.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: I’ll allow it.
MAYOR SARANDON: We discussed the kind of policies that would work for the city of Hansbay. Like getting rid of that median on Jones street, the one that we put there five years ago. Like stopping all the damn construction no matter how much we might need it. (The jury looks intrigued) Like making the thirty mile per hour speed limit on Kindred street 50 miles an hour. Like making sure we never adopt an education policy similar to that of Texas where we steal from the rich schools to give to the poor schools so they can afford “textbooks” and “pencils”. These things are what we discussed.
(The jury perks up)
DAVID: I have no further questions, your honor.
(David returns to his seat)
TJ: Your honor, may I cross examine the witness?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Aye.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Yeah.
(TJ walks up to the stands)
TJ: So…Mr. Mayor. Who else was involved in this trip?
MAYOR SARANDON: I decline to answer.
TJ: Ah. I see. Because we don’t really need your answer. Your honor, I would like to enter exhibits B and C into the record.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Without objection.
(Court hands wheel in a television and TJ puts in a VHS and the screen displays security camera footage from a hotel hallway in the Cayman Islands. The title of the video reads at the top as “RITZ-CARLTON, GRAND CAYMAN” and at the bottom the date is displayed as “04-MAY-2012”. After a few seconds it shows Mayor Sarandon, Ethan, Tim and two prostitutes giggling and entering the hotel room while Ethan, Mayor Sarandon and Tim also laugh. They shut the door and the tape goes out. Then, TJ takes two plane tickets out of his pocket)
TJ: These two plane tickets are for Ethan Donahue and Timothy Price. Numerous people we’ve talked to have signed sworn statements saying that the two other men in this video are Ethan Donahue and Timothy Price. Up until two months ago Ethan Donahue worked for Mayor Sarandon as his Chief of Staff and to this day Timothy Price works for Mayor Sarandon as the treasurer of Hansbay, Vermont. So in this case it seems as though Mr. Sarandon is rather virtuous, neglecting to implicate his friends and jumping on the sword for them. However, they are still complicit in a possible crime and as for Mr. Donahue, he is suspected of even more. Plus, although prostitution is a crime we cannot actually try them for since the Cayman Islands is a British territory, but does procuring prostitutes really make them look like they’re working? Not to me, it doesn’t. Not to me. (TJ hands the sworn statements and the tickets and the VHS tape to the judge) The sworn statements are exhibit D your honor, and I have nothing further.
(TJ walks back to his area and sits down. David gets up and walks up to the judge, just a few feet from his desk)
DAVID: Your honor?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Yes?
DAVID: May I ask Mr. Donovan where he got exhibits A through D?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: He’s right there, isn’t he?
DAVID: Mr. Donovan, where’d you get that stuff?
TJ: I got it from George Zimmerman. (The jury and gallery gasps) Not that George Zimmerman, Detective George Zimmerman.
DAVID: I see. (David turns back to the judge) Your honor, could we adjourn for the day?
JUDGE MCGLYNN: I beg your pardon?
DAVID: I asked if we could adjourn for the day and reconvene at a later date.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Mr. Merkely, we have been in session for barely an hour.
DAVID: Yes, but sir, my stomach is rather upset, it must’ve been something I had for breakfast.
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Sir, this is a very serious case and for us to adjourn for an indefinite amount of time is a preposterous-
DAVID: Your honor, either we adjourn or I’m going to have the green apple splatters all over this goddamn courtroom!
JUDGE MCGLYNN: Jesus, okay this court is adjourned until a date which is to be determined.
(Judge McGlynn slams the gavel and leaves, along with the people in the gallery and the jurors. Mayor Sarandon gets up as David goes over to him)
MAYOR SARANDON: What’s going on?
DAVID: Now that Ethan and Timothy are involved, we have to change our entire strategy.
MAYOR SARANDON: …Yeah, I think so.
(Cut to Ryan walking through the hallway with Sarah after lunch, they are holding hands and Ryan looks concerned about something)
SARAH: You look concerned about something.
RYAN: I AM concerned about something, I was supposed to get a analysis paper done for Mr. Pannell’s class during lunch but we got distracted by the randomly constructed horoscope that is the art of conversation.
SARAH: What do you mean?
RYAN: Remember, we started off talking about what I was doing tonight and we ended up talking about Zach Braff’s left nipple. Plus, I never got my work done!
SARAH: Just turn it in tomorrow morning.
RYAN: Tomorrow’s Saturday.
SARAH: Go to his house and turn it in!
RYAN: Great, I’ll turn my homework in and get a stalking conviction.
SARAH: I’m sure he wouldn’t press charges.
RYAN: Yeah, but he has a wife; I might catch him at a bad time.
SARAH: Like, when they’re having sex?
RYAN: No, he’s a Christian with no kids, so I’ll probably catch them while they’re speaking in tongues.
SARAH: Well, just turn it in Monday morning.
RYAN: Yeah, I will, but I just have to keep my head down for the rest of the day and- (Ryan and Sarah turn a corner to see Mr. Pannell standing there with an intimidating gaze, this causes them both to scream) Jesus, you scared us, why are you standing there looking like that?
(Mr. Pannell holds up a piece of paper and smiles)
MR. PANNELL: I was just making copies!
(Mr. Pannell extends his fist)
RYAN: Oh my God…
(Ryan pounds it)
MR. PANNELL: So Ryan, do you have that sheet for me?
RYAN: Um…can I get it to you by-
MR. PANNELL: Come with me, Ryan.
RYAN: Okay. Bye, Sar-bear.
(Ryan and Sarah hug)
SARAH: God speed.
RYAN: (Chokes up) Thank you.
MR. PANNELL: Are you crying?
(Ryan lets go of Sarah as she walks away)
MR. PANNELL: Let’s go.
(Ryan and Mr. Pannell walk away with each other. Cut to Oliver sitting at a desk with a “JACK REED 2014” sign above it in an office somewhere. Oliver stands up)
OLIVER: Alright everybody, there’s only 725 more days until the election so over the next 104 weeks we should paint Senator Reed’s opponent, whoever it’s going to be, as a big business elitist! Do you hear? (Pan out to see nobody’s there) Oh yeah.
(Kyle walks in)
KYLE: Oliver, how are you, sir?
OLIVER: Kyle, nice to see you, have a seat.
(Kyle takes a seat in front of Oliver’s desk and Oliver sits down behind his desk)
KYLE: So how’s your family coping with the loss of their home?
OLIVER: Not well. I lived there with them too and we lost a lot of money. For now I’m living at Howard’s place.
KYLE: Why not your girlfriend’s place?
OLIVER: Oh, Susie? No, we broke up in mid-October.
KYLE: Well where are your parents living?
KYLE: Where are they sleeping?
KYLE: Great. Um, listen, this whole Jack Reed 2014 thing is very exciting.
OLIVER: Thank God, are you thinking of joining?
KYLE: No, God no, but I have a friend who was interested.
KYLE: Her name is Maddie...Liberalpants.
OLIVER: I beg your pardon?
KYLE: Her name is Maddie White.
OLIVER: Ah. Well, I’d love to meet her.
KYLE: Great, she’ll be by today around six o’clock.
KYLE: Great. And remember, I like this girl, so put in a good word for me.
OLIVER: Uh…okay? How?
KYLE: Mention how big my dick is.
OLIVER: Yeah, I’m not sure if I could finagle that into a conversation about Senator Jack Reed.
KYLE: Fine, you don’t have to do that, she’s already seen my dick anyway, we dated for a month and a half.
OLIVER: Ah, I see. The one that got away.
KYLE: Yeah, so just don’t screw me over, okay?
KYLE: Cool. Bye.
(Kyle gets up and leaves. Cut to Ryan and Mr. Pannell standing in his empty classroom. Mr. Pannell is inches away from Ryan’s face. Ryan is visibly uncomfortable)
MR. PANNELL: …Wouldn’t you say that your number on priority in life is working hard and making it in this world?
MR. PANNELL: So why do you make chumming around with your emo friends more of a priority?
RYAN: I mean-
MR. PANNELL: There’s nothing to mean, you didn’t do your work. You were too busy slitting your wrists or whatever.
RYAN: If we did that-
MR. PANNELL: You’d be dead, I know. Maybe you’re about to be dead right now. It could happen. Not by me, but you could have a heart attack and drop dead on the floor like a dead dead person. Or your house could burn down and you’d be deader than a doornail if you didn’t die from the deadly heart attack. Ryan, you’re an extremely talented and smart kid, I don’t doubt that. But you need to lift the hair from your eyes and see that your work, even when it’s done, is unsatisfactory to my standards.
RYAN: I try to-
MR. PANNELL: Straighten it to where it only partially covers one eye, I know.
RYAN: How did you know that?
MR. PANNELL: Now I’m REALLY excited for that essay you’re going to turn into me on Tuesday. What’s that? You didn’t know we had one? Well we do so you might want to jump on that horse. And by horse I don’t mean heroin because I wouldn’t put it past you. Now get your act together and stop being so short-sighted, lazy and careless! I mean…you’re such a smart kid…(tears start streaming down his face, much to Ryan’s surprise) but…I can tell you have immense problems beyond my purview. (He pulls himself together without leaving Ryan’s eyeline) You know what the problem with public education is, Ryan? It’s not a problem of funding or curriculum necessarily, it’s just that most kids don’t care about what they’re learning and they’d rather go out and do drugs. But here’s the rub. You’re the rare kid who both cares about what you’re learning and does drugs.
RYAN: How do you-
MR. PANNELL: C’mon, it’s pretty obvious. You have to realize how rare that is, Ryan. I used to work at an inner-city school. Most of my students had kids and jobs and I would just let them sleep through class because they were exhausted from working late. It was like running a low-income daycare, I would sprinkle crack in their baby bottles and lullaby them to sleep talking about Huckleberry Finn. But this area’s different. And you’re different. I get it, alright? You dress weird, you’re different, you don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks and you clearly don’t based on what I’ve heard. But this class is different too. So get used to it. You’re like a dinosaur and I’m like a bigger dinosaur telling you to do your work. Do you get that? Do you get it?
RYAN: (Stunned, helpless) …Yes sir.
(Mr. Pannell extends his fist. Cut to Mayor Sarandon and his lawyer in a board room)
DAVID: So, essentially we’ve got to adjourn until a certain time to be determined and the prosecution has agreed to look into Ethan Donahue and Timothy Sessions’ involvement.
MAYOR SARANDON: I don’t get it David, why are we involving them?
DAVID: Don’t you see Brian? It was Ethan’s idea, Tim was in charge of approving business trip expenses and they can be the patsies! You can say that you thought it was being personally financed by Ethan and Tim. They’ll be the ones that’ll have to fashion an ass rape out of a shiv or drop the ass rape in the shower.
MAYOR SARANDON: Does everything in prison involve ass rape?
DAVID: Unless there are an odd number of inmates.
MAYOR SARANDON: Jesus…what kind of time would I get if convicted for this crime?
DAVID: You’re probably looking at about two years in the ol’ Graybar hotel. (Mayor Sarandon puts his head in his hands) You’d be in the clink until 2014. The ol’ slammer. The big apple.
(He lifts his head out of his hands)
MAYOR SARANDON: That last one is a nickname or New York, not prison.
DAVID: The Windy Penitentiary.
MAYOR SARANDON: David, I can’t do two years in prison.
DAVID: Exactly, so feed Donahue and Price to the wolves!
MAYOR SARANDON: But Ethan’s my friend! I know his kids and his wife, I don’t know if I could do that to him.
DAVID: Brian, it was his idea and he jumped ship after the DNC and now you’re protecting him? Him and Price are the ones that need to be punished, you barely did anything.
MAYOR SARANDON: Ugh…I guess you’re right. He did play a much larger role in the crime and people with families go to jail all the time, it’s not my fault he’s corrupt.
DAVID: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
MAYOR SARANDON: You were the one trying to convince me to throw him to the wolves! (David starts acting like a wolf tearing some prey to shreds and growling) Wow, stop that.
DAVID: Sorry. Anyway, I’ll make sure the prosecution is able to indict Donahue and Price and I’ll make sure your new story does not conflict with the rest of your testimony.
MAYOR SARANDON: Should I keep trying to win this case like it’s an election? I think the pandering was working pretty well.
DAVID: Yeah, that was good. But there’s only so many opportunities to showcase how much you hate everyday inconveniences and how you’ll fix them as Mayor.
MAYOR SARANDON: I was thinking I could outlaw people purchasing food at convenience store with change? Maybe?
(Cut to Oliver waiting in his office)
OLIVER: I should get like…a computer in here. (Someone knocks on the door) Come in!
(Madeline comes in as Oliver stands up)
MADELINE: Oliver?! Oh my God, this is crazy!
OLIVER: What are you doing here?
MADELINE: I’m here for the interview!
OLIVER: Kyle told me he was sending a Maddie White.
MADELINE: Yeah, that’s my stage name.
OLIVER: But this isn’t an audition.
(Madeline spins around)
MADELINE: And I’m not an actor! But here’s my headshot.
(Madeline takes out a headshot of herself and hands it to Oliver)
MADELINE: What a weird coincidence this is!
OLIVER: I guess, have a seat.
(Madeline sits down)
OLIVER: So uh, I haven’t been seeing you at the meetings recently. Not in like, over a week.
MADELINE: Yeah, well I have to do laundry sometimes, so…
OLIVER: Your laundry gets in the way?
OLIVER: Okay. Why would you like to work to re-elect Senator Jack Reed?
MADELINE: Because he is a man of integrity, grace, wit, reprise and honor.
OLIVER: Do you know anything about him?
MADELINE: Yes, he is a man of color, and-
OLIVER: Alright Maddie, let’s cut the piss. You haven’t been coming to the meetings because you rejected me on Halloween.
MADELINE: Well, it wasn’t so much a rejection as a reminder to slow down.
OLIVER: You pushed me into your coffee table.
OLIVER: Listen, I know why you did it, you had heard I had a girlfriend so you freaked out, but don’t worry, I had broken up with her like two weeks prior to that.
MADELINE: Well, actually…I did it because…(choking up) throughout High School I was seen as the…(sniff) the girl who would just…(sniff) put out for ANYBODY and I hated it…
OLIVER: Oh, Madeline, don’t cry. Um…we don’t have any tissues here, but-(He walks over to her and offers her his sleeve) you can use my sleeve.
MADELINE: (Sniff) Thank you. (Madeline wipes her tears on his sleeve) I used to have a closet full of guys and now…(sniff) I just want to go slow with somebody. So…would you want to go on a date with me?
OLIVER: Are you done with my sleeve?
OLIVER: Then yes.
(Madeline smiles and Oliver moves his arm. Then, Kyle comes in)
KYLE: Hello, cool cats. Did you hire Maddie here? She’s quite a hard worker. (Chuckles) Working hard or not, working very hard?
OLIVER: You know what, I think she has the job.
KYLE: Awesome! So Oliver, while you work hard for Senator Reed, why don’t Maddie and I go out to celebrate? There’s a Chinese place just a few streets down that’s filled with old Jews, but mostly because they live there due to Hurricane Sandy.
MADELINE: Um, actually, Kyle, I think Oliver and I are going to go celebrate.
KYLE: Wow, don’t be too premature, Senator Reed’s not being re-elected for another couple of furlongs.
OLIVER: That’s a measure of distance, not time first of all, second of all, we’re actually going on a date.
KYLE: …Oh. Okay. You see, I thought-
MADELINE: I know what you thought. But that’s not what happened. Thanks, Kyle.
(Oliver and Madeline leave the room, leaving Kyle visibly upset. Cut to Ryan the following Monday, vigorously studying in his room. Ethan comes in with a bottle of jack in his hand)
ETHAN: Hey, son.
RYAN: Hey, dad. Um, it’s been almost a week since Obama was re-elected, maybe lay off the jack?
ETHAN: If Romney’s not drinking, someone’s gotta drink.
RYAN: Who’s Romney again?
ETHAN: No kidding. All the Romney masks they sold at Halloween stores are worthless now, they’re gonna be sold to Africa and little African children will use them to keep their heads warm at night.
RYAN: Yeah, listen, I’m studying, so could you give me a second?
ETHAN: You’re studying? Wow. What happened to you, man? Fine, I’ll leave you alone. Not that you’ll need to work hard anyway, Obama will just give you a handout!
RYAN: You’re still here.
(Ethan leaves. Cut to TJ Donovan in a conference room speaking with Detective Zimmerman)
TJ DONOVAN: I see.
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Yep. They’re the key.
TJ DONOVAN: I’ll look into that. GET ME DIRK’S WARRIORS!
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: Wow, pretty loud.
TJ DONOVAN: Oh, sorry. Laura, could you summon Dirk’s Warriors from Juvenile Detention please?
LAURA: (Off screen) Yes sir.
TJ DONOVAN: By the way, how did you get off when you pointed that gun at the Donahues and the Alexanders?
DETECTIVE ZIMMERMAN: I told them I was trying to diffuse the situation and they pretty much took it a face value.
TJ DONOVAN: Huh.
(Fade to black)
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Script / Humor
Script / Humor
Script / Humor
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