The Donahues, Episode 5

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The Obama administration actively attempts to rescue Ryan, Brennan, Sarah and Michelle with the assistance of Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Madeline.

Submitted: May 28, 2012

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Submitted: May 28, 2012










“The fence, cold, hard, tall - divides humans from humans, it should be torn down!”

-Alyssa Steele


(We start with Ethan and Kimberly in their living room with Detective Reynolds and Detective Zimmerman; all four are sitting down, facing each other)


REYNOLDS: Ma’am, sir, we know this is hard for you, but-


(Jacob shuffles down stairs in the same clothes he wore the night before)


JACOB: (Yawns) Good morning. Oh Jesus. Who is that?


ETHAN: It’s nothing to do with you, Jacob, just come over here.


JACOB: Thank God. (Jacob walks over and shakes the man’s hand and sits down.) What is this about? Are we being evicted?


ETHAN: No, Jacob. Let me explain. Ryan, Michelle, Sarah and Brennan were kidnapped last night in the forest by Iraqi terrorists, and they were smuggled to Baghdad.


JACOB: (Laughs) Yeah, I bet. I bet a million bucks on that, Daddio.


ETHAN: Jacob.


JACOB: One million dollars!


ETHAN: Jacob, it’s true.


JACOB: Wha-…really?


ZIMMERMAN: Yes, Jacob. I’m sorry.


JACOB: Jesus. (He starts welling up and begins to cry as Kimberly and Ethan console him)


REYNOLDS: Jacob, we know this is hard, but literally the most powerful people in the country are on the case.




ZIMMERMAN: The Secretaries of Defense, Homeland Security and State, the Directors of the CIA and the FBI as well as the President of the United States.


JACOB: …Wow. I never thought he would be of concern to his teachers, much less the entire Obama administration.


REYNOLDS: I know. But right now we need to get you guys on a plane to Washington DC to help out.


ETHAN: Absolutely. I’ll get my stuff.


(Everybody disperses to pack. Cut to Ryan and Michelle still in the interrogation room. Muhammad, Iqbal and Arab 2 enter)


MUHAMMAD: Well, well, well, well, well-


RYAN: You only say it three times.




(Muhammad punches Ryan)


RYAN: Why do I keep talking?


MUHAMMAD: I don’t know why ANY of you filth talk. YOU ARE FILTH. That is why we are putting you into camps.




MUHAMMAD: Yes. Mazir and Iqbal will take you to work camps. In fact, your friends Sarah and Brennan are already there.


RYAN: Oh, no. Are they okay?


MUHAMMAD:  If you call having really chapped lips “okay”!


RYAN: …I do.


MUHAMMAD: Oh, well in that case they’re fine. But, they may have to use their own piss to lubricate their lips.


RYAN: I doubt that.


MUHAMMAD: The point is, eventually, we will rid the world of ALL emos, all of them. Big and small, white and-well, I guess they’re only really white, huh?


RYAN: Yeah.


MUHAMMAD: But anyway, we will cleanse the world of these emos in a giant holocaust, or shall I say,


RYAN: Emolo-


MUHAMMAD: Emo holocaust.


RYAN: No, emolocaust.


MUHAMMAD: Yeah, that’s a lot better.


RYAN: Dude, what is your beef with emos?


MUHAMMAD: They worship Satan! They dress in black because Satan commands them to. Plus, they look like huge faggots, and in a land that used to be ridden with social constriction, now suddenly abounding with diversity makes my stomach ill.


RYAN: Why? We dress and act differently than you do, why are you so closed minded?




MUHAMMAD: I’m not closed minded, I just believe emos worship Satan.


RYAN: They don’t. Most emos worship Andy Sixx or the lead singer of any band that they listen to while ignoring their parents. If not them, they usually worship themselves.


MUHAMMAD: Then why does their music have demonic screaming in it?


RYAN: It’s not demonic, it’s human screaming, you just have to derive it from the bowels of your lungs.


MUHAMMAD: Demonstrate.


RYAN: Oh, I can’t do it, I mean, to do it, I’d have to practice every night my parents are out until my throat nearly bleeds to do that-(Begins screaming demonically)


MUHAMMAD: ???? ????!


(Ryan stops after a few seconds as several other terrorists enter)


ARAB 5: What happened? Did he morph into a demon?


MUHAMMAD: No, the kid’s just good at screaming. Now take these fuckers to the work camps. The Final solution begins. And Mad Men starts in a couple hours as well.


RYAN: That’s a good show.




(Cut to President Obama in the situation room with Panetta, Petraeus, Clinton, Napolitano and Mueller as well his National Security Advisor, Thomas Donilon. Director Petraeus is showing him a presentation)


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Mr. President, four kids were snatched by terrorists in a forest in Hansbay, Vermont, then driven to a small airport where a neglectful owner let them fly because they had a driver’s license, and ignored all the signs of terrorist activity. As a result, the four kids are in Baghdad, Iraq somewhere.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I see. Do we have pictures of the teenagers in question?


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Yes, Mr. President. (He begins the slideshow, starting with a Facebook picture that involves Ryan taking a picture of himself in the mirror with his phone, he is wearing his black “Order of dirt” shirt, his black super skinny jeans and is showing off his straightened black hair) This is Ryan Donahue. Our records indicate he is a sixteen year old white male living in Hansbay, Vermont. He is a known illegal downloader of movies and-


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Does that really matter right now, Dave?


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Sorry, Mr. President. Here, are some pictures of him in different outfits (Clicks through various pictures of him in different shirts and pants and jackets and belts as the rest of this line goes on) Incorporating some grey into his outfit here…


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why is this important?




PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why do the emo kids and teens in general nowadays do the picture in the mirror thing, why don’t they get their parents to do this for them?


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Usually they hate their parents.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Ah. Anyway, continue, Director.


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Thank you, Mr. President. The rest of the kids are Brennan Sanford, (Slides to a picture of Brennan in his bathroom doing the cell phone mirror thing, with teased hair and dark, tight clothes) Michelle Reed, (Slides to a Facebook picture of her doing the cell phone mirror thing wearing her emo clothes) and Sarah Blumenthal (Slides to a Facebook picture of her in her emo clothes) and there you go.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Well, we need to be proactive in rescuing these kids.


SECRETARY PANETTA: Absolutely, Mr. President.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thank you, Leon. Anyway, everybody knows their roles in this correct?


SECRETARY PANETTA: Yes, Mr. President, but it’s your decision on what we use.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I say we use SEAL Team Six.






DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Nothing, sir, you’re probably right, but, you’ve just been abusing the SEAL Team Six thing since we had Osama Bin Laden killed.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Name one example of me abusing my SEAL Team Six power.


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Okay, easy, you ordered them to rescue Bo from a tree last month.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Okay, point taken, but you got to understand how cool it is to say “Send in SEAL Team Six”, it’s fucking intoxicating.


SECRETARY NAPOLITANO: Well, you’re lucky, because SEAL Team Six is probably the best way to rescue these kids.




DIRECTOR MUELLER: Well, we’ve all delegated ourselves responsibilities when it comes to rescuing these kids. It seems like their main intent, Mr. President  is to murder emos in a holocaust, they’ve been killing innocent people who dress in emo style for months, and now they’re moving on to their final solution.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Jesus, that’s awful. Well, let’s get Mr. and Mrs. Donahue in here. ANITA! GET THEM IN HERE!


(Anita comes in)


ANITA: Yes, Mr. President.


(She leaves and returns with Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Madeline, all dressed up appropriately for their meeting with the President.)


ETHAN: Hello, Mr. President.


(Ethan shakes President Obama’s hand)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Hello, Mr. Donahue.


ETHAN: It’s an honor.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I appreciate that.


(President Obama shakes hands with Kimberly)


KIMBERLY: Hello, Mr. President, it’s such an honor.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: It’s an honor for me as well, Mrs. Donahue.


(President Obama shakes hands with Jacob)




JACOB: It’s a pleasure, Mr. President.




(President Obama shakes hands with Madeline)


MADELINE: Nice to meet you, Mr. President.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Nice to meet you.


(They unclasp hands)


ETHAN: Mr. President, is there any luck locating Ryan and his friends?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: You know what I know, they’re in Baghdad somewhere. We’ve got our top national security team working on it. Secretaries Panetta, Napolitano and Clinton, Directors Petraeus and Mueller, as well as my National Security Advisor Thomas Donilon.


ETHAN: Nice to meet you all. Okay, are we going to pull a book out of a shelf and go to the real situation room now?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: This is the real situation room.


ETHAN: Oh. I thought it would’ve been…situation-ier.




JACOB: Where’s the nuclear football?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why does it matter?


JACOB: Because it’s badass.




JACOB: Sorry, I just want to see some top secret technology up in here!


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Trust me, we have badass technology. Look at that video screen, I can teleconference people with that thing.


JACOB: Yeah, it’s like Skype, but bigger.




ETHAN: Let’s sit down.


(They all sit down)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: So, the game plan, essentially is, send in SEAL Team Six, via helicopter, they march in, boom-boom-boom, shoot some terrorist motherfuckers, plant some explosives along the perimeter to subtract the remainder of terrorists, get to the kids, securely place them in the helicopter, carry the two,  get ‘em back to the good ‘ol US of A, correct?


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Um…yeah, and I appreciate you stealing my moment, Mr. President. (Throws his hands up in the air and back down again) Had a whole paper about what we were going to do, had a slideshow, special effects, hired James Cameron to animate a simulation, hired the guy from the Allstate commercials to do the voice-over, hired a production crew of eighteen people and took 50,000 dollars out of the military budget, that’s taxpayer money, to pay for it all, and you had to fucking ruin it, so thanks, Mr. President.


(The Allstate guy comes in)


ALLSTATE GUY: In a world where terrorists are-


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Stop, it’s over, the President ruined it.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Why would you spend so much time and effort for something that could be summed up so briefly anyway?


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: I don’t know! Maybe I want to get recognized around here once in a while!


PRESIDENT OBAMA: We recognize your achievements all the time, you run the goddamn CIA!


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS; You guys forgot my birthday! Happy?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: When was your birthday?




PRESIDENT OBAMA: That was like, five months ago.


DIRECTOR PETRAEUS: Yeah, and five months of frustration about that culminated into this outburst instead of me killing my wife or something.




KIMBERLY: Okay, my son and his friends are going to die soon, can we focus?


SECRETARY PANETTA: I concur. Let’s ask some questions to the parents. Ethan, Kimberly, in general, would you describe your son as a man of integrity?


ETHAN: Excuse me?


SECRETARY PANETTA: These are standard questions, Mr. Donahue.


ETHAN: Uh, I suppose so, although he is emo and does drugs.




SECRETARY PANETTA: No, Mrs. Donahue, it’s fine, drugs are not of our concern, nor is some subculture, we just are running some routine background checks on Mr. Donahue.


KIMBERLY: Is that really necessary? He’s in grave danger!


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’ve already ordered all the operations; they’re preparing the plan as we speak.


KIMBERLY: Oh, okay. Fine, I’ve got nothing to hide, and neither does Ryan.


SECRETARY PANETTA: Have you ever seen anything that Ryan has read before that strikes you as radical or subversive in nature?


ETHAN: Um, he reads Japan books. Do you think he’s a lackey of General Tojo?


KIMBERLY: He means anime. Ryan reads anime, and besides that he doesn’t read.


SECRETARY PANETTA: I see, and General Tojo has been dead for sixty-three years.


ETHAN: Phew.


SECRETARY PANETTA: Does he belong to any clubs or organizations?


ETHAN: Uh, the Emo club. The cutting squad, the anime guild, the major depressive disorder association, I don’t know, man, he’s never motivated enough to join any clubs at school.


KIMBERLY: Yeah, that’s true.


SECRETARY PANETTA: Would you describe him as loyal?


KIMBERLY: Come again?


SECRETARY PANETTA: Have you ever had any doubt about Ryan’s allegiance to the United States, any ties or sympathies to the Communist Parties of Cuba, North Korea or China?


ETHAN: Well, he is a liberal.




(Everybody except Ethan and Jacob start cracking up, after a few seconds the laughter subsides)


KIMBERLY: But no, no ties like that. Ryan’s patriotic as any other.


SECRETARY PANETTA: I see. Any ties or sympathies to terrorist organizations, Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Harakat ul-Mujahidin-




SECRETARY PANETTA: I’m not done. Jemmah Anshorut Tauhid, Army of Islam, Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, Mujahedin-e Khalq, Hamas, the Lord’s Resistance Army-


ETHAN: I already said no, Secretary Panetta, you don’t have to specify.


SECRETARY PANETTA: Fair enough. Is there any indication that Ryan isn’t who he says he is?


ETHAN: I certainly hope so.


(Ethan, Kimberly and Jacob start laughing for a while, and then the laughter subsides to uncomfortable silence)




(Cut to Press Secretary Jay Carney coming to the White House Press room for the daily briefing. He walks up to the podium)


SECRETARY CARNEY: Good morning, everybody. Welcome to your daily briefing, here at the White House. I have no announcements, so I will now take your questions. Dan Lothian, CNN.


DAN LOTHIAN: Is there any specified time when the operation to rescue Ryan Donahue, Sarah Blumenthal, Brennan Sanford and Michelle Reed shall take place?


SECRETARY CARNEY: (Stunned pause) …The fuck do you know about that?


DAN LOTHIAN: It’s all over the news.




(Secretary Carney leaves as the press room chatters. Cut to the situation room)


SECRETARY PANETTA: Has Ryan ever worn a tri-cornered hat and threw tea bags at the White House gates?


ETHAN: No, but he’s probably tea bagged somebody.


JACOB: Nice!


(They high-five)


DIRECTOR MUELLER: The fuck is wrong with you two?


ETHAN: This is uh, how we deal with things like this.


JACOB: Yeah, humor is our defense mechanism to help us deal with the pain.


SECRETARY CLINTON: You know what I use?


JACOB: What, Madame Secretary?


SECRETARY CLINTON: Cackling. (She starts cackling)


JACOB: (Covers his ears) Urgh! Madame Secretary, please stop!


(Secretary Carney enters and Secretary Clinton stops cackling)


SECRETARY CARNEY: How do the assholes in the White House Press room already know about the Iraq situation?




SECRETARY NAPOLITANO: There’s no way they could know.


SECRETARY CARNEY: They do! Lothian asked me a Q!


ETHAN: What?




ETHAN: Got it.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Damnit. Media’s already sensationalizing this, it must’ve leaked. Let’s pray to NPR this goes our way, or else, thing aren’t look too well.


(Cut to Ryan and Michelle, covered in coal dust, sitting down in their cell and having a door slammed on them.)


RYAN: Ugh, why did we have to move those rocks back and forth, back and forth?


MICHELLE: What was the point?


RYAN: I know. I feel like I’m in a holocaust work camp.


MICHELLE: Whoa, don’t get too crazy.


RYAN: What do you mean? This is a reasonable comparison, I’m being forced to work because of a defining characteristic of me, and I’m in a camp where others like me are being forced to work, and will all eventually be killed.


MICHELLE: Yeah, but don’t be an overdramatic bitch and just throw the holocaust card out there like that.


RYAN: Are you kidding me? Besides the time, the group persecuted, the location of the camp and the race of the persecutors, what is different?


MICHELLE: Um…the ration of bread is Hawaiian Sweet Rolls instead of whatever bread they had at the holocaust. So, yeah.


RYAN: The terrorist himself called it a holocaust!


MICHELLE: Yeah, and he was being an overdramatic bitch


RYAN: Ugh, whatever. I don’t want to spend our last hours on this Earth fighting. I can’t believe they’re going to send us to the gas showers just because they don’t think I’m strong enough to work.


MICHELLE: It’s what happens when you play too much SKYRIM.


RYAN: Yeah, I guess.


MICHELLE: But, yeah, they’re going to gas me too…I’m a woman, I’m weak.


RYAN: Jesus. Oh, Michelle…we’re in our last hours. Let’s stop the game. Let me…let me…


(Ryan and Michelle close their eyes and almost fall into a kiss when they hear helicopters overhead)


MICHELLE: What the fuck was that?


RYAN: Maybe we’re being rescued!


(Cut to helicopters landing outside of the compound. SEAL Team six members funnel out of the helicopters and two of them stand against the wall outside the door, one of them knocks)


SEAL 1: What are you doing, Robert?


ROBERT: (High-pitched female Mexican accent) Housekeeping?


(Iqbal opens up)


IQBAL: Housekeepers have helicopters?


(Robert turns and shoots Iqbal in the face, and Robert and SEAL 1 rush inside, to see many other terrorists who scatter to equip weaponry, but are quickly eliminated with bullets. Outside,  explosives are triggered, eliminating further terrorists and weaponry caches. Cut back to SEAL Team six, who rush inside to see some more terrorists using burqa-clad women as human shields. A SEAL Member walks up to him, throws the woman to the ground, pushes the terrorist to the ground and places his foot over his neck)


SEAL 2: Coward motherfucker.


(He shoots him in the head. As SEAL Team six kills more terrorists, two SEALs unlock cages containing starved, overworked emos from many countries. They walk out in excitement, and funnel towards the gates, which are now opened. Cut to Ryan and Michelle in their cell. A SEAL opens it up)






(They jump up and go with SEAL 3, and they all funnel towards the gates. Further helicopters land to accommodate the amounts of emos liberated from the camp, which the signs displays is called “Emo Töten Fläche”. Emos and SEALs gather on helicopters, and as the last of them do so, the helicopters take off. Cut to Ryan, Michelle, Brennan and Sarah on a helicopter with SEAL 3)




RYAN: We’ve been liberated!


BRENNAN: Free at last! Free at last!


RYAN: What’s your name, sir?


SEAL 3: Name’s Chadwin, but call me Chad.


MICHELLE: And he’s so casual about it, but he just saved all of our lives!


CHAD: Ah, don’t worry about it, all in a day’s work.


RYAN: Really? Do you liberate death camps that often?


CHAD: No, not ever. But you know, whatever.


BRENNAN: No, not whatever, you saved our lives, you’re amazing!




(Cut to the situation room. President Obama, his national security team and Ryan’s parents and siblings are watching, when the screen displays the helicopters taking off with the emos in them, everybody stands up and cheers)




ETHAN: Mr. President, do they have him?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good question, I’ll ask this ruggedly handsome SEAL with a pregnant wife whether they’re safe. Sargent Leaf?


(His voice comes through the screen)


SARGENT LEAF: Yes, Mr. Commander in Chief?


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Are Ryan Donahue, Sarah Blumenthal, Michelle Reed and Brennan Sanford safe with you guys?


SARGENT LEAF: Yes, Mr. Commander in Chief.


(Everybody cheers and Ethan and Kimberly hug with tears of joy as Madeline and Jacob grip on to their hugging parents, also pouring out tears of joy. Cut to President Obama in the White House East Room at the podium for a live announcement)


PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good afternoon. Today, I can report to the American people, and to the world, that the United States has carried out an operation that liberated a death camp in Baghdad, Iraq, that was to be used for the systematic extermination of teenagers who belong to the subculture known as emo. SEAL Team Six killed every single one of the terrorists that kidnapped emo teenagers from around the world, including five Americans, namely Ryan Donahue, Michelle Reed, Sarah Blumenthal and Brennan Sanford. All the emos at the camp have been rescued, and fortunately, none of them were killed.


(Cut to after the speech. Ethan, Jacob and Kimberly are in the hallway as President Obama walks back from the East Room. Ethan grips President Obama’s hand)


ETHAN: Mr. President, I think you are a socialist Muslim subverting the constitution and trying to create a European-style entitlement state with a social underclass of people dependent on the Government, but there’s nothing I want to do more right now than hug you.




(Ethan embraces President Obama as Jacob and Madeline pull out their phones to snap pictures)


ETHAN: Thank you.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: You’re welcome.


(Kimberly also hugs the President. They embrace for a few seconds, and then relinquish each other)


JACOB: Thank you so much, Mr. President.


MADELINE: We really appreciate it.


PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m just doing my job. Now, time to go. Thank you, guys.


(The floor tile beneath President Obama sinks into the floor while President Obama remains on it. Once he is completely submerged, another floor tile comes in the lowered one’s place, leaving the Donahues awed)


JACOB: I knew he had badass technology!


(Cut to the Reed family celebrating in their living room, cut to the Blumenthal family celebrating in their living room and then cut to the Sanford family celebrating in their living room. Then cut to Wolf Blitzer in the Situation Room)


WOLF BLITZER: You just heard the President, the Hansbay four have been rescued.


(Anderson Cooper enters stage right)


ANDERSON COOPER: But, how will this affect the Presidential race? Because everything has to relate to that somehow.


(Anderson and Wolf stare creepily into the camera)




(Cut to Brian Williams doing the Nightly News with the graphic “Hansbay Four Rescued” over his right shoulder)


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Welcome to the NBC Nightly News, I’m Brian Williams, and you’re over 65. Our top story today is the rescue of the Hansbay Four, Ryan Donahue-


(The fire alarm goes off)


BRIAN WILLIAMS: Goddamnit, again?


(Cut to Megyn Kelly on FOX News’ America Live)


MEGYN KELLY: Hello, I’m pretty and blonde, and this is America Live. You just saw the alleged President of the United States announce that SEAL Team Six rescued an emo concentration camp. Will this boost his poll numbers, and how much does FOX News stand to lose money-wise if he does?


(Cut to Jay Leno on the Tonight Show)


JAY LENO: So, you hear about this? You hear about this? The Hansbay four were rescued, and the emo concentration camp was liberated, and they killed a bunch of terrorists. Sounds like my wedding night! (Silence) Swing and a miss.


(Cut to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show)


JON STEWART: The only thing that could make this mission the President ordered more badass would be if it included everyone from Act of Valor, the Hurt Locker and Ryan Gosselin from Drive. (Laughter) You know? The Ryan Gosselin who seems to walking around the entire movie with a blood-stained white jacket, you know, very casually? (Laughter) You know what, scratch that, NOTHING could make this mission more badass. (Applause and cheering)


(Cut to Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH) presiding over the Senate on C-SPAN when Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) walks up to his podium on the Senate floor)




PRESIDENT BROWN: The Senator from Vermont.


SENATOR SANDERS: Thank you, Mr. President. Um, thank you very much. Um, Mr. President, um,  um, Mr. President, I ask unanimous consent to engage in a colloquy with my colleague and fellow Senator from Vermont, Senator Leahy.


PRESIDENT BROWN: Without objection.


SENATOR SANDERS: I am here today to praise the military operation President Obama ordered to liberate the emo concentration camp, and save hundreds of emos imprisoned there, including four young Americans from my state of Vermont, Ryan Donahue, Michelle Reed, Brennan Sanford and Sarah Blumenthal.


SENATOR LEAHY: I absolutely concur with my colleague, Senator Sanders.


(Cut to Rep. Peter Welch (D-VT) speaking on the House floor)


REP. PETER WELCH: Well done, Mr. President.


(Cut to Ethan, Kimberly, Jacob and Madeline all in the living room sitting on the couch, all faced towards Ryan)


ETHAN: Wow, that was a quite a tale.


JACOB: Who knew terrorists could be named Mike?


RYAN: I know, I was surprised too. An Arab terrorist named Mike? What?


MADELINE: Was he born in the US?


RYAN: Nope. Born in Kazakhstan.


 JACOB: (Russian accent) What a country!


RYAN: Who was that an impression of?


JACOB: Borat.




ETHAN: Well, the only thing that matters is, you’re back, son. Listen, I know I don’t always treat you the best, so I figured I would make some changes in how I talk to you.


RYAN: Really?


ETHAN: Of course not, faggot.


(They all start laughing while Ryan’s countenance remains serious. The laughter subsides after a few seconds)


ETHAN: Ah, love you, son.


RYAN: (Annoyed) Love you too, dad.


(Cut to the Donahues sitting around the kitchen table the following morning. Ethan is wearing a gray suit with a striped tie, Kimberly is wearing a dark green top with blue jeans, Jacob is wearing a light green Aeropostale shirt with blue jeans, Madeline is wearing a white “POP LOK AND DROP IT” V-neck with skinny blue jeans and Ryan is wearing dark blue skinny jeans with a black “JAILED PANTHER” shirt)


ETHAN: Wow, the Supreme Court headed up by Chief Justice Roberts is awesome. They’re likely to strike down the individual mandate in ObamaCare, and they just ruled that strip searches are okay for anyone who is arrested for committing a crime, even the most minor of crime.


MADELINE: Jesus. That seems a little draconian.


ETHAN: Madeline, this has nothing to do with your vampire books.


MADELINE: Do you think I said Dracula?


ETHAN: Team Jacob is not applicable here.


MADELINE: Do you even listen to me? Ever?


RYAN: So basically, what the Roberts court says is that corporations are people, health insurance is only for some and once you’re in police hands for anything from triple homicide to jay walking, they can go ahead and anally violate you if they suspect you have anything from a nuclear bomb to a dime bag of ditch weed.


ETHAN: Sounds like Utopia to me.


RYAN: Sounds like shit to me.


KIMBERLY: Wait, doesn’t that logically mean that if health insurance companies are people and they commit a crime, we can strip search the health insurance companies?


RYAN: Maybe if ObamaCare’s individual mandate is overturned, we could strip search the health insurance companies and confiscate some affordable insurance plans that cover everything that are usually reserved for the rich, and give those to the 30 million people who don’t have health insurance!


ETHAN: (Holding his head) No, no, no, watcha-c’mon, YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!


(Ryan and Kimberly laugh and shake hands)


MADELINE: Well, dad, did you see Sarah Palin co-host the Today Show on Tuesday?


ETHAN: Jesus, I fucking hate her.


RYAN: What?


ETHAN: I mean, I like her. Or, I don’t. I don’t know what to think about her anymore. She’s like Lindsay Lohan, she was cute and lovable at first, but now seeing her on TV just makes you…sad.


RYAN: I agree with dad. This is a weird feeling.


KIMBERLY: Well, you guys should probably head to school.


RYAN: Yes.


(Jacob and Madeline clean their dishes and leave the room)


RYAN: So…we’re just back to the normal routine, huh?


ETHAN: Yes, son. You were really brave out there, though.


RYAN: Thanks, dad. See ya.


ETHAN: Bye, Ryan.


(Ryan exits stage left. Cut to Ryan, Jacob and Madeline getting of the bus at Hansbay High. They enter the school, to applause from teachers, staff and students. As the applause continues, the following exchange occurs)


RYAN: What the fuck are they doing?


MADELINE: They’re applauding your safe return.


RYAN: I’m not used to this; I’m used to being invisible in plain sight, shutting the world out with my ear phones, not being greeted with applause at the door.


JACOB: Don’t get your pussy in a twat; it’ll only be one day.


RYAN: Did you mean “Don’t get your panties in a wad”?




RYAN: Okay.


(Cut to Ryan at lunch with Brennan and Sarah.)


RYAN: Well, cheers to surviving the emolocaust!


(They clink their MONSTERS™©® together)


BRENNAN: Now, only if we had a celebratory lunch.


RYAN: Well, eating in front of other people is weird.


BRENNAN: It’s weird.


(Fade to black)



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